Vol 62 No. 2 March 8 1988 This Publication Is Free , So Pick One Up
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Vol 62 No. 2 March 8 1988 This publication is free , so pick one up contents editorial Well here we all are then, the Orientation controller, who another week in the life of a three was not informed) the event in legged professional nappy volved alcohol and therefore changer and sheep dipper has gave it her approval. Needless to passed. It is of great concern to say she's pretty pissed off now, as us, here at Craccum, that a trend the event was supposed to run features of cultural distortion is beginning until one o'clock, but continued to overtake the world. It can not for much longer, subsequently be denied that the adulteration wiping out the Jazz Picnic of Beatles Music, and the use of scheduled for Thursday afternoon. Dear John the song Revolution on a shoe commercial in the United States, The Union M anager was also International Women's Day 6 is of much concern to us all. falsely informed to the nature of Into the Economic Morass 10 Closer to home, last week in the the event, she was told 'there would be a little social drinking' Le Politique le poseur 11 Quad we saw a rather interesting version of the old game this gave her a false impression The F Word 8 'Monopoly' (as old as the Presi of the amount of beer that would dent? probably not) - 'with a less be imbibed and the vomit that than traditional currency', name would be produced. ly beer. The gam e involved four So they say everyone knew ex teams, of four drinkers, with four actly what was going on, the kegs, pretty lethal ratios. Three of Union M anager says she was regular the participants Richard Foster, falsely informed, the Orientation Geraldine Ryan, and Mark Controller says they were Barlow were present at a special dishonest, and the rest of the ex Executive meeting last week, that ecutive says legislation for drink prevented a Drinking Horn being ing in the Quad should be drawn Arts 15 held on the Tuesday of that same up to prevent such intentional Art Gallery 13 week. The executive resolution misunderstandings. Gosh this stated that there shouldn't be any certainly is a funny place. Chaplains Chat 12 drinking horns during March and So if you want to organise Cover 1 definitely not during orientation, something really bad or sneaky Dragon Boat Festival 4 because it would disrupt the in the future without anybody fin cultural emphasis, and if involv ding out, and preventing you Editorial 2 ing outside sponsorship, would from doing it, then have a chat Gorilla Enrolment 4 be in conflict with the BNZ spon to : Mark Barlow your Education sorship deal. Now we get into the Vice-President, Geraldine Ryan Letters 19 word games, is four groups of your trusted Welfare Officer, and Music 7 four people getting really pissed of course Richard Foster, our Notices 18 and vomiting in cliques, which beloved President and local dei denied general students and ty. The more observant of you Normal 12 particularly first years (it is orien (both of you) may have noticed Orgasms 3 tation guys!) access, as a con that Craccum cam e out on a cept, so different from a drinking Tuesday last week. This is not Poetry 15 horn, where slightly more people because the editors were in Politics 9 get pissed and vomit.... well I'll competent, although no one Something 23 leave it to you. Now you may can seriously deny that the think, oh well so they wouldn't be editors are incompetent, but Sports 17 the best editors for the concise because we have changed our Slings and Arrows 6 Oxford Dictionary but what's printers. So happy Tuesday wrong with a little fun, well we reading folks. And remember University stretched to Capacity 5 agree with this and would go so your a womble. Winners and losers 5 far as to say what's wrong with a The Editors: Miriam De Graaf, lot of fun? Fair enough. But the in Carl Fagan, Simon Holroyd, and teresting part of the story involves Wendy Lawson. Craccum is a source of free ex ADVERTISING pression and information for Auckland University Students and MANAGER the University community. Crac credits cum is not the official publication of the Auckland University Credits: We would like to thank Wayne McDougall and Tron the Students' Association or of the CRACCUM NEEDS AN ADVERTIS the following people and cyber- mouse who lives under the filing University of Auckland. Both ING MANAGER FOR THE REST O F. nauts for their contribution. Gina cabinet. bodies may not endorse or 1988. THE JOB IS NOT FULL TIME O'Shea, Mr Big Nose, Craig Printers: Putaruru Press agree with opinions expressed AND CAN BE WORKED IN AROUND Dickson, Beatle Treadwell, Peter Publishers: Auckland University within Craccum, and neither YOUR LECTURES SO LONG AS YOU De Graaf, Tara Anderson, David Students Association necessarily do the editors. In fact, ARE DOING 5 OR LESS PAPERS. THE (George) Ward, Cornelius Stone, Postal Address: c/o AUSA, Private if the editors are actually aware MONEY IS REASONABLY GOOD, Shelley Turner, Mary McGeever, Bag, Auckland of what has been written it is AND ALLOCATED ON A COMMIS Saffron Outfield, Joanna Priestley, Phone 390-789 ext 840, ext 841 purely accidental... what SION BASIS, CONTACT CRACCUM Aidan Howard, Daphna Whit Advertising editors? 390-789 EXT 840. more, Leafy Cooky, Susan Nisbet, Typesetting: Barbara Hendry RETRACTION An extremely unfortunate error Gort) apologises most profusely for was made in our first issue last this abhorrent mistake, and I week. In 'Show n Tell' the com hereby promise to grovel to a ment 'Maths Dept sux' was at suitable extent in the form of tributed to Gina. This was in fact penance. Gina in fact said no such in error and, through a communica thing, does not even belong to the tion cock up, was not corrected Maths Dept and would probably “Oh God! This could take forever! before we went to print. The per love it if she did. son responsible for this, me (i.e. Ed. Gort 2 ◄ CRACCUM March 8 1988 ORGASM Related Accidents Drowning. Electrocution. Strangulation. This ad was part o f a These are all pretty nasty ways to go. But 1987 nationwide safety what else is there? ls there a nice way to step Humper the Rabbit says: program sponsored by off this mortal coil? Some might think so, and the Organization o f it is these people who are a danger to us all. Orgasm Security Per It is these people, dangerous people, who are Don’t light tires yen sonnel - otherwise the cause of one of the world's newest and known as the Orgasm deadliest plagues....The Orgasm Related Ac Police. Alarmed by the cident. It all started back in the sixties, free increasing number of love was all the rage and the world was orgasm-related ac undergoing sexual and social revolution. Peo cidents, the Insurance ple were doing things then that had never been Revenue Service (IRS) done before (at least not in broad daylight) and established the Orgasm it was at this time that suspicion of the ex Police in 1985 to istence of O.R.A. first appeared. regulate irresponsible orgasms. A system o f orgasm licenses was in stituted, but was SHEETSTAIN cancelled after only three months because o f the widespread inability o f most people to First noted by Dr Eric Cosmos Sheetstain in qualify. 1967, when two factory workers indulging in A secretiv e organiza intimate pastimes in their lunchbreak were tion by nature, the heard to cry out together, and simultaneous Orgasm Police soon ly the factory's largest machine, the 'Terylene gained a reputation, Grommit Extruder' mysteriously switched however undeserved, itself on, trapping worker Barry Bilgevommit for Gestapo techniques. and extruding him. An inquiry found nothing It was rumored that a wrong with the machine, and no blame could cigarette smoked in be legally attributed to the couple, despite a bed, or even a faraway long and involved court battle after which the smile, could result in a pair were sacked. The incident was then raid. forgotten. It took another incident two years later and of far greater proportions before in In order to counter this vestigations into, the phenomena began image, the Orgasm seriously. The time was July the fourth, nine Police came up with teen eighty-one. Humper the Rabbit to carry their message to the public. Through posters, television, and radio spots, Humper SWARFEGA SLEEPING spread the gospel of responsibility and restraint. After an extensive campaign, the reported A rather wild and raucus Independence Day And in the process, lit incidents of O.R.A. declined sharply, and only party dissolved into an obscene mire of filth tle Humper became a five years later reports become relatively rare. and depravity, probably initiated by the person celebrity, cherished and Today in nineteen-eighty-eight, the strange oc who brought the four boxes of rubber bands imitated all over and the industrial sized tin of swarfega along. currence of Orgasm Related Accidents is but America. As the party degenerated, it became increas a thing of the past, forgotten and yet perhaps ingly obvious that something was about to feasibly still there. It may indeed have become happen. Nobody was sure what was about to extinct, perhaps it is only sleeping. Perhaps it come when suddenly nothing happened (but is the sleeping that is responsible for it being it happened suddenly!). Just as the host walk extinct.