STUDENT LIBEL Free World, You’Re Going to See Executive Be President,” Palin Said

theS independentT newspaperUDENT of Washington University in St. Louis L since eighteenIFE seventy-eight

Vol. 130 No. 73 www.studlife.com Wednesday, April 1, 2009 1878 FINAL EDITION 2009 GOODBYE WASH. U. After 131 years, Student Life goes to press for last time

t is with great sadness that we say goodbye today. Our time chronicling the life of Washington University’s students Iand faculty is over. Hundreds of students have worked on this newspaper since it began as a small magazine in January 1878. We speak, we believe, for all of them when we say that it has been an honor to serve you. This issue—the last for Stu- dent Life—is bittersweet coming on the day we would usually print our Libel issue. Our newspaper has had the privilege of covering this community for 131 years through good and bad, joyous and tragic. That is a privilege we have thoroughly en- joyed and one we have not taken lightly.

We part with sorrow because there are so many stories left to be told, stories that we will not be here to cover. We hope the University will remember us fondly, a reminder of Wash- ington University’s history and the daily excitement of life on campus.

Farewell—and thank you for so many memorable years together. 2 STUDENTPRAVDA LIBEL | ПРАВДА Правда Editor Editor / Родион Романович Раскольников / Правда@studlife.com WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Nelson defeats Palin in debate Alina Tagg believed Nelson was Nicolas Sarkozy, the Alaska Beat Reporter president of France. During the debate, Palin conveyed her After months of hype and preparation points largely by winking at the audience surrounding the debate at Washington and repeating the words “Hockey Mom” in University, the outcome is clear: Student different modulations of her Alaskan ac- Union President Jeff Nelson has defeated cent. Palin also attempted to form a com- Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in the ﬁ rst plete sentence. debate of the 2012 election cycle. “Middle class, you betcha drill baby Nelson, who was elected Student Union drill—Main Street, jobs and health care, (SU) president three weeks ago, challenged Joe Sixpack,” Palin said. Palin to the debate, noting that SU is “so Viewers determined that Nelson won similar to real government, that I ﬁ gured the debate largely because he spoke more running for president of the United States coherent English than Palin. was the logical next step.” Palin, whose speech patterns returned Nelson then pointed out that “SU” is to normal following the event, blamed her “US” spelled backwards. perceived loss on “those left-wing educat- “Let’s be honest, Jeff Nelson is a big ed liberal types.” deal,” Jeff Nelson said during the debate. “The mainstream media bullies out

“When I get elected as the leader of the there say that you need a college degree to JOE BIDEN | STUDENT LIBEL free world, you’re going to see executive be president,” Palin said. “Well a seventh- Recently-elected SU President Jeff Nelson defeats Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in the ﬁ rst presidential committee restructuring on a whole new grade education was good enough for my debate of the 2012 election cycle. Palin’s references to drilling moose and hockey plumbers were no level. Now people in Eastern Europe will family, and it’s good enough for Ameri- match for Nelson’s properly-constructed sentences. be able to follow a hyperactive Twitter ca.” be forming a new party called “Idaho.” performance but expressed her surprise feed like the rest of us.” Nelson congratulated Palin on her per- “Big potatoes, big ideas,” Nelson said. at the debate’s outcome. Palin, who lost her bid for vice presi- formance in the debate and, victory as- “Jeff Nelson and Mark Wrighton are going “That anti-American terrorist sure dent with Republican presidential candi- sured, began touting his vice presidential to take this country to the top, though it’s knows how to win a crowd,” Palin said. date John McCain in November, agreed pick, University Chancellor Mark Wrigh- going to be due mostly to Jeff Nelson.” “For a French boy, he sure knows how to to debate Nelson because at the time she ton. He added that he and Wrighton will Palin also congratulated Nelson on his speak some darn good English.” Bon Appétit reduces menu to bread, water

Stewtha Marwart at $8,000 per year, includes shreds of rye, and spray it at you,” explained freshman results from the new plan. Penitentiary-Cuisine Liason potato and artiﬁ cial pumpernickel bread. Richard Gonner. “Luckily CS40 offers a “True, we’ve already saved a bunch The Probation, at $12,000 per year, is simi- water consumption seminar on Satur- of money by cutting unnecessary food lar to the Life Sentence plan, but offers pu- days, which teaches you to how open your costs,” Wrighton said. “But now we can A new Washington University Dining riﬁ ed water once a day. mouth at the right time.” take advantage of these students’ hunger- Services campaign will soon institute a “We want to continue offering the level Students against having hose water induced lethargy and delirium and begin new student meal initiative, called “Behind of variety students have come to expect poured into their mouths can also learn charging for other privileges, like using Bars,” which will alter student meals to a from our food services,” said Dining Ser- special techniques to catch the water in the library and the sidewalks.” thrice-daily routine of bread and water. vices talking head Bobby Flay. their hands. “A special toll system is in the works The new plan offers three levels of pro- To prepare students for the changes, “The hand-cupping demonstrations for next month,” he added. vision: Probation, Life Sentence and Elec- the administration has begun offering were great,” Gonner added. “The Dining In preparation for the Behind Bars tric Chair. The Electric Chair, which costs day-long crash courses on food conserva- Services student leaders were nice enough plan’s release for this Friday, students will upwards of $6,000 per year, includes the tion and water consumption. to let me trade a week’s worth of food for have all of their meal and campus card basic meal package of bread crusts and “They don’t tell you up front, but you the class instead of paying the $1,000 for points deleted. Belts and suspenders will water drawn directly from the local Mis- have to pay for water cups out of pock- it.” be on sale in the bookstore until then. sissippi River. The Life Sentence, priced et—otherwise they just turn on a hose Chancellor Wrighton predicted fruitful WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Правда Editor / Родион Романович Раскольников / Правда@studlife.com STUDENT LIBEL | ПРАВДА 3 In green campaign, University recycles Mallinckrodt

Center, which he called “notorious for its “By your powers usefulness to students. It has a food court and bathrooms on the main fl oor and com- combined, I am fortable, temperature-controlled seating areas and normal eatery hours and—wait, Captain Planet,” said there’s none of that? Oh, maybe we should go for something else then.” the new vice chancellor The recycling will take place by picking up Mallinckrodt and placing it in a giant for sustainability recycling bin retrofi tted to accommodate huge and ugly things, thereby fi nishing the upon threats of getting a B, to surrender all recycling process. plastic bottles containing dihydrogen mon- Campus reactions have been unsurpris- oxide and its known by-products. The ban ingly mixed. incited an international reaction, from ex- “I told you Mallinckrodt was recyclable! citement (a number of Texans didn’t know And you thought the whole thing was made what plastic was) to dismay (see “Godzilla of deformed cement. I know alien architec- promises no more playing catch with giant ture when I see it,” said Leroy the bookstore bottles of water, citizens fl ee anyway,” To- guy to a hapless-looking math student. The KERMIT THE FROG | STUDENT LIBEL kyo Sun Times). student now owes Leroy fi ve dollars. In efforts to move Mallinckrodt to the recycling plant, the University plans to order 50 custom Hummers. Still, despite the pleasure of forcing Others, like random people who won thousands of lazy students to stop drinking a vice chancellorship through a raffl e, are Allen Gorbert Limbaugh-produced greenhouse gases. Now water from plastic bottles, the University re- skeptical of the building’s recyclable-ness. Environmental Reporter that Gore has fi nally shoved off, colleges alized it could aim higher. “At some point, you have to ask how much across the nation are investing money they “The students are still far too spoiled! help the environment needs,” said Assistant Due to the recent outbreak of environ- don’t have into being greener than ever. There is so much more to be done!” mused Vice Caricaturist Jimbo Dugger. “Recycling mentalism among American college stu- Anxious to stay on the forefront of the Captain Planet, the new vice chancellor Mallinckrodt’s hideousness could be more dents, Washington University has decided environmental wave, Washington Univer- of sustainability. “The power is yours...or harmful than helpful.” to recycle the biggest thing it can fi nd: Mall- sity is taking steps to ensure it wins the tro- should I say ours?” Neither Captain Planet nor the University inckrodt Center. phy at the end of the race, provided global The University’s eventually arrived at the has said how the building will be deposited The response is part of a nationwide catastrophy doesn’t get there fi rst. decision to recycle a whole building, some- into the recycling container, though rumors trend, sparked by endorsements of Mother The University experienced its fi rst taste thing not even “Extreme Makeover: Home suggest that the University might employ a Earth by Apple and Al Gore’s recent decision of success through the recent “Smack That” Edition” has done. To maximize inconve- “friend in Tokyo” for that purpose. Godzilla to obsess over something else, namely Rush campaign, in which students were required, nience, Planet recommended Mallinckrodt could not be reached for comment. Washington University economy collapse traced back to popped “textbook bubble”

Tom Chao said. “And then it encourages students sold them, but I don’t read them. ‘Sta- ries of the market, which is a recipe for SEC Investigator to enter academia, where they will write tistics and Data Analysis’? ‘Psycholo- disaster in these speculative, uncertain textbooks and become professors. And gy’-Sixth Edition? It’s all speculative,” times—we’ll now be using a more accu- then they get more students to buy text- Kramer gulped dramatically. “I’m just rate method to ascertain value.” As the economic situation of Wash- books. It’s brilliant. It’s diabolical. It praying that they’re not completely Follett demonstrated to nearby cus- ington University becomes more dire makes the Ponzi scheme look amateur- worthless. Seriously, does anyone read tomers a newly acquired Ouija board, and our ivory towers begin crumbling ish.” these things?” assuring them the new system would be around us, professors of economics While some say the market will cor- In the face of massive devaluation in place for spring buyback. have been giving students a full per- rect itself eventually, not even the most of inventory, the University bookstore The rest of the bailout money, Fol- spective of the causes and effects of the optimistic of students will predict an has made an emergency petition to the lett explained, will be to maintain the “textbook bubble” collapse. upturn in the near future. Student Union (SU) Treasury for bailout bookstore’s two private helicopters, Professor of Economics John Nash For example, Lock & Chain honorary funds. which have seen increased use shut- explained the situation at a confer- member Stewart Kramer has lamented “Seventy-five percent of the money tling Follett and other bookstore execu- ence in the Danforth University Center, the mass market’s ignorance of how is going directly to a new system for tives to SU Treasury meetings. Follett’s his Nobel Prize in Economics dangling textbook prices wildly shift and fluctu- buying used books,” Store Manager Mallinckrodt-to-DUC trips are projected around his neck. ate according to the whims of students Reginald E. Follett explained. “Instead to become more frequent in the coming “The University requires all of its and professors. of the old way of determining our pric- years. students to purchase textbooks,” Nash “Sure, I’ve bought [textbooks] and es—supply and demand and the vaga- 4 STUDENT LIBEL | ПРАВДА Правда Editor / Родион Романович Раскольников / Правда@studlife.com WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Clusters to be sold for Campus points

Oliver Hubble package, with one cluster and a free visit “Wallace used to always use cocaine Staff Jester to Cornerstone. The “Nine-to-Five” pack- and Ritalin, sometimes because he said it age, available to freshmen, offers a raffl e was a fun thing to do,” said Susan Aaron, The Washington University adminis- ticket drawing for one cluster and a one- the mother of freshman Wallace Aar- tration recently implemented a new grad- on-one meeting with a faculty member of on. “He claims it’s even more fun when uation plan for Arts & Sciences students, their choice. they’re mixed together. Now he’ll spend which will now allow the purchase of “Since the endowment has gone down his 500-dollar monthly allowance on ad- clusters using Campus Card points. by such a high percentage of its value, we vancing through college. I never thought Clusters are sold at Bear Mart, the Mall- thought we’d fi nd other sources of income, his graduation would come.” inckrodt bookstore and the Olin Library. such as students’ Campus Card points,” Other parents, however, have com- The University will also open cluster deal- Wrighton said. “Yes, this is getting rid of plained about the new plan, like biology erships on the Delmar Loop. their well-rounded education, but it will major and pre-medical student Lizette Clusters can be purchased at varying teach them one of life’s most important Banks’ mother, Anne Banks. prices. The most comprehensive plan is lessons: Money can buy anything.” “Lizzie can’t afford the Language clus- the Seniors’ “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane” pack- Student response has been overwhelm- ter. She needs to take every science class age, which provides for seniors a gradu- ingly positive. she can, so she doesn’t have time to take ation cap, diploma, a visit to the Career “Now I won’t have to take Human Evo- the language classes,” Anne Banks said. Center and a high-fi ve from Chancellor lution and Cultural Anthropology my se- On the other hand, many of the profes- Mark Wrighton, in addition to all cluster nior year, which means I can spend more sors have been appalled by the adminis- COURTESY OF STUDENT FINANCIAL SERVICES requirements. time working on my thesis,” said senior trative change. Natural Science cluster: 200 Campus Card points. Juniors may purchase the “Just Like a Humanities major Charles Bales. “Money can’t buy happiness,” angst- Textual and Historical Studies cluster: 300 Campus Pill” package, which offers two clusters Parents are happy that their children ridden existentialism and Thoreau schol- Card points. Getting a Washington University of their choice. Sophomores have the op- will spend money on clusters instead of ar Professor Walden Bond remarked. “Can degree without going to class: Priceless. portunity to buy the “Livin’ on a Prayer” drugs. it?” College Republicans gain member Celebrate by shooting deer

Sophia Pratt pus. Staff Member with a Story “There’s nothing in the world like talking about Reagan while ﬁ eld-dressin’ Washington University College Re- a deer,” said the other co-president Jo- publicans reported an unprecedented 50 seph Smith. Highlights of the proceed- percent increase in membership since ings included mounting the deer’s still the historic election of President Barack terriﬁ ed-looking head above a “Palin Obama last November, bringing their to- 2012” banner in Johnson’s dorm room. tal membership count to four. The venison will be sold in the Dan- With excitement running high over forth University Center on Friday at the GOP’s new relevance, said new mem- noon. ber and Vice President Ephraim Wall- Red Hickam said that his decision to ings, the club will probably have an even join the club was met with enthusiasm closer hold on campus culture than ever not just by the other College Republi- before. cans, but also by Democrats on campus. “We think real Americans recognize “Whenever I tell people that I’m a Re- the value of hard work, free markets and publican, I expect an unfriendly response disingenuous culture wars,” College Re- from Democrats, but ever since the elec- publicans co-president Lily Johnson said. tion they just smile real big at me,” he “Now more than ever, Republican rheto- said. “One girl even told me, all excited, ric rings true with the American people, that she can’t decide who she likes bet- especially on college campuses.” ter, Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal.” To celebrate the addition to their The club will meet next Thursday to REMINGTON WESSON | STUDENT LIBEL ranks, the four hunted, shot and dressed chant the words “wasteful government Bambi was an Obama supporter. a deer roaming on the University cam- spending.” WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Правда Editor / Родион Романович Раскольников / Правда@studlife.com STUDENT LIBEL | ПРАВДА 5 University loses Missouri lotto

The University had entered the “Big with the lotto in ’05, so I thought, ‘Why Senior Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky Attempt to Bucks” Missouri Lottery, with a grand not us?’” Wrighton said. criticized the University’s strategy in prize of $34.2 million, as the corner- That man, Otto von Bismarck, was playing the game. recoup loss of stone of its strategy to counter a 25-per- hired as the University’s vice chancellor “I heard from a friend of mine that cent loss in its endowment for 2008. for strategic planning last fall, a move they only bought one ticket,” he said. “I endowment fails “At the time, it seemed like a sure prompted by Wrighton’s sound fi nancial mean, seriously, couldn’t the chancel- deal,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton, know-how. lor fi nd any more money in his double- Bernie Madoff who said that he had decided to buy the But the University could not replicate breasted suit?” Financial Correspondent ticket, numbered 54321, after “kicking Bismarck’s luck, as the winning number But Greenspan contended that the back a few brewskis with McLeod at Blue came out to be 54323, with the adminis- University resorted to the lottery due Hill.” tration losing on the fi nal ball. to a lack of alternatives during the eco- Reality slapped the proverbial face of Historical success with the lottery on “I saw 5-4-3-2, and I started soiling nomic crisis. the Washington University administra- campus had led the Chancellor to believe my pants in joy,” said Alan Greenspan, “We put a lot of money on the Rams tion last night as its state lottery ticket that the $2 ticket was “worth the juice.” vice chancellor for fi nance. “But then the this year, but that turned out to be a was off by one number, as reported on “The guy that used to do the gar- fi nal number was two off, so I began to terrible decision,” he said. “If the Cards the six o’clock news. dening at my second house hit it big soil my pants in shame. That was an in- don’t show up with their A-Game this teresting night.” season, it looks like we’re going straight Some students questioned the wis- to Vegas.” dom of the ticket purchase, citing their Sources say Wrighton has been sharp- Bunny sees own shadow, own negative experiences with the lot- ening his pinochle game in anticipation predicts six more weeks of tery. of the trip. arbitrary St. Louis weather

William Walden after several minutes of personal con- Donnie Darko Wannabe ference with the Bunny, was comprised mostly of a list of expected weather phenomena. Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced “The Bunny has foreseen the next sev- to students and faculty Sunday that Barry eral weeks of weather,” Wrighton said. Flanagan’s “Thinker on a Rock,” better “We’ll see our fair share of blizzards, known on campus as the Bunny, had once thunderstorms, sunny days, partly cloudy again seen its shadow. days and freezing rain over the next few “The Bunny has spoken,” Wrighton weeks. Maybe even a hurricane—the Bun- said. “He has decreed that there will be ny wouldn’t say for sure.” FRANK ABAGNALE JR | STUDENT LIFE six more weeks of, well, pretty much any- “Only one thing is guaranteed no mat- In effort to attract more students, Chancellor Wrighton is pushing to offer a new major in Gambling thing you can imagine, weather-wise.” ter what: The clothes you wore to class in and Karma Studies. “That’s the way things are in St. Louis,” the morning certainly will make you look the Chancellor added. stupid by the end of the day.” The yearly announcement, a tradition The speech, which was ultimately cut nearly as old as the University itself, came short due to a violent hailstorm, also in- as little surprise to most University stu- cluded several references to until-now- dents. unknown weather phenomena, includ- “It’s good to hear the Bunny’s news,” ing newly-christened “waterﬂ ares” and senior Garrett Willis said. “I mean, not something the chancellor would not call Wondering where you’ll get your late-breaking news that I’m really looking forward to the next by name but assured the crowd that they month or so. But it’s nice to know things would “know it once [they] see it.” after Student Life stops the presses? will be unpredictable.” “It would be safe to remain indoors,” “It’s just that the Bunny’s always right remarked Wrighton, who had reportedly about this sort of thing, and it’s nice to be ordered several dozen boxes of insecti- Check out the able to plan ahead,” Willis added, open- cide for the University grounds. ing an umbrella to shield himself from a This year’s announcement contrasts upcoming Student spontaneous torrent of rain. with those of the last three years, in The Bunny is also known at Washing- which the Bunny did not see his shadow, Llama for all your ton University as “Bugs Washington,” and but still predicted six more weeks of en- “that deeply disturbing statue of a mal- tirely arbitrary weather. nourished rabbit.” The Bunny was not available for com- future campus Wrighton’s announcement, which came ment on the issue. news. 6 STUDENT LIBEL | BOLLOCKS! Bollocks! Editor / / [email protected] WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 BOLLOCKS! Point-Counterpoint: Endowment is shrinking, Actually, my we have to act now endowment is huge

Leslie Kenning: Mark Wrighton: ashington University may be mind. ashington University has such as Tina Kressler from my sophomore doing all that it can to pretend The University’s response to the economic been the premier institu- year at Thomas Walton High School, or the that it’s not seriously affected crisis is poorly thought out, and its current tion of higher education in young and very energetic Betty and Jenny by the economic crisis affect- financial policy is outrageous. We students the Midwest for over 150 Novak, can also confirm this. Some valu- Wing our nation, but let’s be honest: Pretend is must demonstrate our concern with the Uni- years,W and given its quality as a top-tier able members of the St. Louis community just pretend. Economists are portending the versity now. school, I can only say one thing in response who can confirm the first-rate health and next Great Depression, ignorant and amoral to concerns voiced about the allegedly-failing vigor of my endowment include my personal corporate executives judged innocent for the economy: My endowment is huge. assistants, my suit tailor, my two personal poverty of millions, and the University con- It is powerful as the majestic bull elephant trainers and my dog walker. Others who can Leslie is a fi fth-year student in University College. She tinues a pattern of thoughtless spending. can be reached via e-mail at lesliekenning#!123@ or the deadly great white shark, and is as confirm this are various faculty and students Given the grim economy everyone has gmail.com, which is also her password. enormous as it is rigid. This is a fact, which from not only Washington University, but been talking about, the University’s endow- my wife Risa can confirm. My girlfriends, also from its peer and sister institutions, such ment must be shrinking. I am pretty sure of as the University of Chicago, the University this. of Pennsylvania and Fudan University in We cannot think that the University is Shanghai. unaffected by this grave downturn. Chancellor Believe me, that number of various facul- Mark Wrighton and the board of trustees in- ty and students is as great as my endowment. habit a comfortable environment in which the Students suggest that because the trouble- troubles of the “real world” seem intangible. some economy is facing serious problems, These troubles are imperceptible to the Uni- my endowment should be in danger. There is versity administration, because it is used to in fact no connection, correlative or causal, a massive endowment and donations to fund to support this claim. All that is necessary this school’s luxury. Just as AIG executives to maintain a sizable endowment befitting do not recognize their responsibility for their the chancellor of Washington University is economic enormities, the University admin- simply a healthy diet, intake of the occasional istration is myopic to the financial realities enhancement supplement and lots of exercise. surrounding the school’s staff and students. Believe me, the 20 minutes of exercise I I am not sure of the exact figures of the get every afternoon is more than enough to University’s endowment, but it is no doubt sustain my endowment. already low and rapidly shrinking. My endowment is practically its own crea- What does our administration do in this ture, and its strength is not in the least depen- economy? It continues construction on the dent on the vagaries of the stock market, or South 40. It pays its professors at the medical the bursting of economic bubbles, or even the school princely sums of $1 million per year onset of middle age. Never before has it been and upward. True, Wrighton and the senior flaccid, and never will it be. administration have frozen their pay increas- Whatever the economic, social or legal es, and in some cases decreased their pay. But woes threatening the University, I reassure their compensations are already so large that you that my endowment remains as solid, these are but token gestures. Indeed, Wrigh- sturdy and foundational as ever. It has no ton himself has stated at a recent Student record of suffering seriously from any phe- Union Senate meeting that he and the board of nomenon, and there is no reason—even in my trustees—who met at a resort hotel for their current age—to believe that it will even begin most recent conference—would proceed with to decline, wither or wane. the University plans without the recession in Mark Wrighton is the chancellor of Wash. U. He can MCT CAMPUS be reached via e-mail at [email protected]. WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Bollocks! Editor / / [email protected] BOLLOCKS! | STUDENT LIBEL 7 STAFF EDITORIAL Too much school spirit

e love that Washington Univer- net is reportedly fi xed, and one student’s dramatic on the way from St. Louis to Anchorage. Did our newly-formed War Department really sity is such a spirited college, full fall from the rafters has ended positively as four We also need to talk about yesterday’s Red need to confi scate every water pistol on campus of school pride. But lately, we of that student’s ribs and her shin should heal over Alert day. Now we’re all in favor of regularly for their military “pre-emptive strike” initiative? are beginning to think that our the course of four months. wearing University colors. But was it necessary Then, of course, there have been the recent Wschool spirit has become somewhat excessive. Now we are worried about fi nding a seat on to ostracize one student for deciding to wear a Student Union elections. It is wonderful that so We couldn’t fi nd a seat at last week’s table the buses next week when I follow the Bears to sweater and jeans? It’s not her fault that every many students want to serve their school by run- tennis match because the Athletic Complex was their Final Four table tennis tournament in Alaska. single University clothes item in the bookstore is ning for offi ce. I think we can all agree, however, so crowded. Of course, standing through a game We heard that more than 4,000 students were sold out. that no one has time to sort through 146 Senate is a small price to pay for the chance to cheer on taking advantage of the free tickets, transporta- We are also concerned about our growing war candidates and 23 different executive board slates. our amazing Bears, but hanging from the rafters tion and housing to watch. We think that in light with Emory. We all know it started with a small In short, good job with the Washington Uni- by my arms, directly over the athletes, was a bit of last week’s events, we should make something band of students infi ltrating the Emory campus versity pride. We’re glad that we have such an much. very clear—students should refuse to be tied to and chalking “Emory was my safety school.” engaged, enthusiastic student body. But please, Certainly, it made clapping very hard. But the top of the bus. Really, you wouldn’t have And that was funny. The recent escalation, how- for the sake of our remaining intact bones and fortunately, we have heard that the table tennis thought so many birds would be fl ying in the sky ever, has gotten out of hand. Vitamin D intake, can we tone it down? Seven tips for Can you dig it? A stress management tweeter future for on campus Wash. U. Jaina Petersen handle already, so there’s no point to slave away on The Twitter Bird Columnista a treadmill. I suggest the University supplement the Op-Ed Submission McWilliams fi tness center with some classic comfort he new “Stressbusters” program at Wash- food. hen I took over as Interim Dean ington University offers free massages 4. Midnight offi ce hours for professors would of Arts & Sciences, I pledged to and education as means of combating really be considerate of student work patterns, espe- do my best to reform the college’s stress, but these techniques are overused cially during midterms and fi nals. It shouldn’t be that curriculum in order to prepare andT overrated. We clearly have more than enough inconvenient—Harvard implemented this program WWashington University students for the future. With “education” here on campus, and most classmates that and found the complementary footsie pajamas a huge that in mind, I announce that the University will I know claim that massages put them to sleep incentive. (Plus, it means a greater chance to have begin teaching Arts & Sciences courses via the online rather than induce productivity. coffee—and proceed to fool around—with that social messaging application Twitter. They also insist that there is no such thing as a dreamy Professor!) Twitter is the communications technology baby “free” massage. 5. The Fun Room is only mildly enter- of all the hip, trendy, Web-savvy technocrats, and it I, however, have some new and taining. A few more televisions in it—as needs to become our baby too. vigorous ideas that the University in, more than two—and we’ll be fi ght- Twitter rocks my socks off. Celebrities like should consider turning into a full- ing over the remote control a lot less. Stephen Colbert have already jumped on the Twitter upgrades, as doing so is very pimp. Compared with blown and revolutionary campaign 6. Job and internship searching spaceship—even John McCain is using it. I have other universities, Washington University is still for busting stress! is especially taxing in this econo- always believed that our cred has been underrated struggling to understand Boyle’s air pump. But if we 1. Toilet texting: Why not make my, and the Career Center could and I am deeply passionate about bringing out the make the hip jump to Tweeting, we will make other your time on the pot more produc- be more supportive of struggling institution’s inner shine. It is an inner shine of unadul- Universities look like schools for extremely stupid tive? Ladies, we spend so much time students. If it listed offi cial post- terated win. Neanderthals. I like to call these schools, which as it is, so make use of every extra ings for positions at McDonald’s “Win” is the proper word to use, right? Or am I include the primitive brick-bone-and-mortar Emory minute and break out the text-and- and Burger King, we might not feel thinking “baller?” University, “Stupidversities.” tinkle? that we are sinking below our potential, The transition from lecture to Twitter will be as I leave you with my fi rst Twitter-course proposal: 2. Have more sex. Those seven min- if relegated to a service industry. easy as the material for many humanities courses. @richardsmith humns were 1nce monkeys. now r utes in between classes are a great oppor- Implementation of these minor For these courses, all of the core information can be not. many chnges ocrred w naturl selectn 2 lead 2 tunity for some prime, doctor-recommended measures will truly allow Wash. U. to be a easily conveyed to students in 140 characters—and, outcome. in course, learn bout nxt humn ev stage: stress relief: Grab a pillow, fi nd a closet or a modern and student-aware University! of course, many of the humanities have so little sub- twitter. corner of the library, and have a quickie stance we can combine the important ideas of several with that special someone. Jaina is a sophomore at Fontbonne with one or two tweets. Ralph S. Quatrano is the Interim Dean of Arts and 3. I love the Old Country University. She can be reached via But, back to the tech factor: The University Sciences. He can be reached via email at rsq@wustl. email at [email protected]. edu Buffet. Classes are too much to needs to take advantage of the latest technological 8 STUDENT LIBELPAGE | PAGE SIX Page Six Editor / Paris Hilton / [email protected] SIXWEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Fontbonne University food for thought

Alexandra Marconek Carrie Bradshaw Reverse Cowgirl Couch Canoodle

We know he looks exquisite in the University’s It has long been debated whether the fl owy green togas, but Chancellor Wrighton’s establishment referred to as “Fontbonne fashion persona at Wash. U. is otherwise limited University” actually exists. While some visibly to suits. The chancellor manages multiple people claim to have seen the university’s variations of grayscale and jacket lengths well campus, many deny ever meeting a student enough, but many students wonder: how does that actually attends Fontbonne. our dear leader dress beyond the campus grounds? “I thought it was just an extension “We suspect mild skin color imbalances between of Wash. U.,” said junior Cici Honugha. his neck and his collarbone,” said a campus fashion Indeed, it might seem that way, as Font- authority who wished to remain anonymous. “But bonne has recycled Wash. U. construction apart from that we have no idea of what could affect materials in order to create buildings with a his wardrobe color scheme for dining out, sleeping, strikingly familiar architecture. And that’s watching TV or anything else.” not all they’re taking from Wash. U. Speculations are not lacking. For a long time, students have been “Men whose fashion choices are limited to tie questioning the reason for the high grocery colors tend to complement their professional wear prices at Bear Mart. Some have blamed with a more daring look at home. It is a sign of it on the Bon Appétit monopoly, elasticity,” stated Jenny McWarren, a junior in the while others believe that confl icts Sam Fox School of Design & Visual Arts. “I would in the Middle East have caused the say that picturing Mr. Wrighton in the latest Gap price of a pack of gum to reach $5. trend, maybe capris or in some nice, futuristic crocs, But now, the real reason has been is perhaps not far off from reality.” revealed: the extra profi ts from Bear Opinions are nonetheless varied. Some have Mart go toward funding the exis- pointed to Mr. Wrighton’s background in chemistry tence of Fontbonne University. as a sign that lab coat white hue once complemented “Some get their money from the chancellor’s complexion, and that his use of bare personal endowments, others from cotton might have at one point or another been a the government, but we do just fi ne reality. with Bear Mart profi ts,” explained Others have noted that the chancellor’s strolls Phoebe Coyle, Dean of Finance at through campus reveal a bright disposition, which Fontbonne. “The money goes toward for many suggests a strong inclination to green and professors’ salaries, the athletic complex, fuchsia polo shirts. the residence halls and even the mainte- “It would make sense,” commented sophomore nance staff. It’s amazing how much extra George O’Neill on this last point. “Wash. U.’s colors money Wash. U. students pay for these grocer- are green and red, so that kind of says something.” ies! The cash really gets around.” To those intrigued by Mr. Wrighton’s fashion Coyle said that Fontbonne’s plans for the choices – or lack thereof – the spring heat is a sign of upcoming academic year include building a new, hope. “Maybe an early summer will force him to take state-of-the-art Olympic-sized pool and purchas- out the short sleeves before the semester ends,” stated ing buses to make up for the Metro budget cuts. freshman Ida Keller. “Personally, I bet my money on So the next time you’re complaining about buy- him owning a big stash of Hawaiian shirts.” ing $7 Lucky Charms, just remember that you’re helping a kid get an education. uncovering the man uncovering behind the suit ANNIE LEIBOWITZ | STUDENT LIBEL WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Page Six Editor / Nicole Richie / [email protected] PAGE SIX | STUDENT LIBEL 9 Quadrangle Housing to offer new burlap tent option

Pongo Perdita The innovative housing program will be “I’m really looking forward to not hav- sleeping bags as well as collapsible desks and Doggie Style offered at the start of next semester, as a pilot ing the Quadrangle Staff tell me it’s not an chairs will be provided. However, storage program. emergency when I call them in the middle of space will be limited, and the tents will not host In an attempt to expand and improve facili- “We’re still working out the kinks, but we the night because I’m locked out,” Wheedle plumbing or electric facilities. ties, Quadrangle Housing will begin offering expect it to be very successful,” said Leonard explained. “Sure I’m risking my safety by On the upside, students won’t have to deal students residences in burlap tents on the lawn Burch of the Quadrangle Housing maintenance living in a home that I can’t lock, but at least with the hassle of utility bills. In fact, many outside of the Danforth University Center. staff. “Students are already showing more inter- now when I’m sleeping outside it will be by administrators have expressed enthusiasm with These tents, similar to many of Quadrangle’s est and enthusiasm in the new project than they choice.” regards to students fi nally using the showers in current apartments, will all be uniform in size have towards some of our other programs.” Future lessees should expect a decrease in the DUC. and shape, sparsely furnished and will allow Junior Harry Wheedle is already interested costs; the tents will be available for only $425 Everything seems to be running on sched- students to add their own style and fl are to their in leasing one of the tents upon his return to per month, signifi cantly less than other Quad- ule, so the project will likely be completed new homes. campus in the fall. After renting a Quadrangle- rangle options. two years late. Regardless, this looks to be a owned apartment on Waterman Blvd. this year, Assistant Director of Residential Life promising new addition to housing options for he hopes the tents will be a big Edmund Hillary claims that with the nation’s all students. Anyone looking to get away from improvement upon his current economic crisis, the tents should prove to be a the South 40 who cannot seem to fi nd suitable experience. very enticing alternative to Washington Univer- options off-campus, this is the place for you! sity students and their families. All tents will be single oc- cupancy only, and

Given the current economy, the University now offers students a chance to experience the living conditions they will most likely to be able to afford once they graduate. Courtesy of the Career Center

Bob Foosa Leo (7/23- 8/22) Scorpio (10/23- 11/21) Joystick Joyride Those letters you’ve been sending to your Disaster and explosions await you. Good Horoscopes crush have fi nally paid off! They will soon show thing you’ve spent most of your life watching Taurus (4/20-5/20) their appreciation by sending you a letter back in James Bond movies. Aquarius (1/20- 2/18) You know how you’re always snacking the form of a restraining order. Have fun signing Congratulations! A new fortune will fall into on your roommate’s food? Well, that certain on the dotted line! Sagittarius (11/22- 12/21) your hands on your way back to the 40. You will somebody found out and isn’t too happy about it. Try to avoid any large, yellow machines that also meet some new friends in blue uniforms that Beware of different “fl avoring” before you chow move equally large objects around. Don’t ask will escort you to a barred hotel and return that down again. Virgo (8/23- 9/22) questions; the stars know what they are talking money to the bank for you. The good news: You will fi nd your true love about. Gemini (5/21- 6/21) and discover the meaning of life. Pisces (2/19- 3/20) Now would be a good time to pursue that The bad news: All of this will soon be forgot- Capricorn (12/22- 1/19) This week will prove to be a tough one for online degree, as you’re probably not going to ten when you bump your head walking along the After years of being at the bottom, you will you when you fi nd out that you’ve been going to achieve a real one following your current path. construction site. fi nally claw your way to the front… of the unem- the wrong class the entire semester. ployment line. Cancer (6/22- 7/22) Aries (3/21- 4/19) When faced with someone you don’t like, Libra (9/23- 10/22) Disclaimer: “These forecasts and predictions are all based What you are attempting to do is terribly remember: it takes 42 muscles in your face to That cute little twitch your eye does when you on solid, scientifi c, documented evidence, so you would have wrong. Of course, you won’t fi nd that out until frown. However, it only takes four muscles to yawn may entertain your friends, but your doctor to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one much later. So for now, enjoy! stretch out your arm and slap them. is not so light-hearted about the situation. of these is absolutely true.” –Weird Al Yankovic 10 STUDENT LIBEL | PAGE SIX Page Six Editor / Perez Hilton / [email protected] WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009

study proves facebook increases productivity

Diane Lee O’Neder “It’s all a matter of how you define produc- showing no improvement were those in sub- refusing to employ this new teaching strategy. Missionary tivity,” said Claudia Ryan, PhD, the study’s stance free housing, but a corollary study look- They deny that this is related in any way to the leading investigator. “Sure these kids won’t ing at their productivity while playing World fact that all of the other schools and depart- Results from a recent study have shown pass their Chem exams, but they’ve gotten a of Warcraft is currently underway. ments rejected their friend request and failed that students who regularly use Facebook are new high score on Tetris, stalked their exes, As an unexpected result, Wash. U. academ- to invite them to a party last weekend. actually more productive. and poked someone they think might have ic departments have begun creating Facebook “Students pay attention to what’s on the The study, funded by Tom of Myspace in a been in their third grade class, in just min- profiles as a new teaching method. The history Facebook,” said Chancellor Wrighton. “If we begrudging effort to get the rival site banned utes.” department has created events for all major can use it as an educational tool, I‘m com- from universities, monitored students in over On average, students’ accomplishments historical occurrences, placing reminders of pletely for it.” To show his support, Wrighton a dozen college libraries. It compared the doubled. Data groups such as fraternity broth- the dates on students’ homepages. Pre-med has created his own page. He is currently a accomplishments of students who spent their ers and B-schoolers, who achieved the least professors have sent out challenges to earn the member of the group “That’s What She Said” time on Facebook to that of those who actually when simply studying, were four times more new high score on an “Operation” application. and has 327 friends with several dozen pend- studied. productive on Facebook. The only group The Engineering School is the only school ing requests. WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Page Six Editor / Chancellor Mark Wrighton / [email protected] PAGE SIX | STUDENT LIBEL 11 Campus cracks down on napping epidemic La-a Meight their dorm rooms for one week “to see how much hotmes Row His Boat they really enjoy it now.” s Butless Chaps: Spring’s hottest fashion trend In addition to this ofﬁ cial policy, many faculty and staff have taken matters in their own hands. It’s time for a wakeup call. While most bleary- Maintenance workers have began washing open eyed students grab their quadruple-shot lattes midday library windows in order to spray those sleeping on Tren Dee They’re great for transitioning from fall in order to perk up, others have been rejecting the couches that line the edge of the library. Baristas The Love Seat to spring. caffeine in favor of a more detrimental alternative: at Whispers Café have been spotted putting two extra Buttless chaps are made of leather or napping. shots of espresso in any caffeinated beverage orders That’s right, buttless chaps (known as suede, which provide warmth on colder days Throughout campus, there have been several nap- and three shots in any originally decaffeinated drinks. backless chaps by some anal types) are the and allow for a nice breeze on warmer days. related incidents, including a student being locked Professor Glenda Miller, however, believes hottest item of the season, and here’s why! It’s like having the best of both worlds in one inside Olin library overnight after sleeping through that these actions are not the best to curb napping. They’re good for when your backside package. Not only can you save money by his cell-phone alarm. Instead, she plans to create a new class called “A needs to cool off. having fewer clothes, but you can also save “There was also an accident involving Ultimate Philosophical Inquiry of Napping through Ancient After spending six hours on main campus on storage space since your fall clothes can be Frisbee players and a napping student who unfor- Greek Hieroglyphics,” in order to educate students running from one lecture to the next, your worn in the spring. tunately happened to be wearing all green, but we on the early history of napping and the basis of fa- body soon realizes that it’s burned a lot of They’re perfect for guys and girls! won’t get into that,” Chancellor Wrighton vaguely tigue. This lecture will be offered next semester from calories, and you need to cool down. Why Whether you are looking for a hot new noted during an interview. 12-3 pm every day. worry about your jeans or leggings sticking to trend or attempting to find more comfort- In order to combat this napping epidemic, So students, remember that good old camp song your thighs when you can get a breeze as you able ways to go to class, buttless chaps are Wrighton has instituted a “No Napping on Campus “I’m Alive, Awake, Alert, Enthusiastic”? Well, you walk? Nothing says comfort and style more completely unisex and socially accepted by Policy,” whereby students caught napping anywhere better take that message to heart or prepare to face than buttless chaps. all. Girls, now you won’t have to worry about on main campus will have their beds removed from dire consequences. They’re convenient for quick bathroom looking like a bum when you wear your boy- breaks. friend’s clothes. And guys, you won’t have to So we’re all accustomed to the seven min- worry about being teased for wearing “girl” ute rule, but when you have to cross campus, jeans anymore. In my opinion, these pants stop at Whispers for a snack and go to the solve everyone’s problems. bathroom, these amazing pants suddenly be- Disclaimer: Hit the gym at least 3 times a come your best friend! No dropping of draw- week before purchasing buttless chaps. ers is necessary with buttles chaps—imagine your bathroom time being cut in half! -Stay stylish! advanced 251 Hop on the love train

Candy Dyosis to your free U-Pass, a night on the Metro is Lucky Pierre much cheaper than a night out on the town! The Metro is open to everyone—even you Ladies, do you have trouble meeting a freshmen girls can pick up a man on the train. good man on campus? Are all the boys just Those boys won’t see you coming, so you’ve interested in beer pong and showing you off got the power to make a move whenever it to their friends? Well, you need to get off strikes your fancy. Fierce! campus, girl! Meet a new man, a real man, a So ladies, wanna know how you do it? It’s man who will treat you right. easier than buying a new pair of shoes. Sim- Great idea, you say, but where can I meet ply look around and see if any man is looking a real man? Bars are sleazy and expensive, at you. If he is, you know he’s interested. and the men there go with a mission. They go Flash him a quick smile, and look away. If with the malicious intent of finding you or a he’s still staring at you when you look back, girl like you, drunk and vulnerable, just ready you know you’ve got a keeper. to be taken home. Don’t fall for it, hon! You Put on your sexiest swagger, saunter right need to find a man when he’s not on his game, over, and say, “You’re cute. I’m a female col- when he’s least expecting it. You need to find lege co-ed. Call me.” Then you slip him your a man on the Metro. magic digits with a wink and get off at the

RIP VAN WINKLE | STUDENT LIBEL That’s right, the man of your dreams is next stop, wherever that may be. Ball’s in his Students effected by no tolerance napping rules have learned to make the best of the situation. They waiting for you on the MetroLink. Thanks court now, girls. Happy hunting! now save an average of 30 minutes per day in travel time from dorm to classroom. 12 STUDENT LIBEL | BALLS ETC. Balls Etc. Editor / Edison “Pelé” Arantes do Nascimento / [email protected] WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009

MILITARYBALLS ACTION ETC. Bomb Squad called to duty

Denny Baer March 21. With yells and cheers, the Bomb Squad Sports Reporter rattled the Richard Stockton Ospreys in the national championship game. The Phi Delta Theta Bomb Squad received ac- Many members of the squad were responsible tive duty orders on Monday from the Department for a shower of baby powder when the men’s bas- of Defense for destinations unknown. ketball team ran on to the gym fl oor. Citing security reasons, the Department of De- The Washington University Military Care fense has released no offi cial duty destination. Package Group is making preparations to send the “The Bomb Squad will be deployed in combat Bomb Squad their favorite supplies. zones,” said James Cannon, a Defense Depart- “We’re especially proud that these students are ment spokesperson. answering the call to service,” said Patty Hender- The Washington University students packed son, who organizes the support group. up their gear, emptied out their house and boarded The Care Package group is soliciting dona- three buses outside of Francis Field late last night. tions of fl ip fl ops, fuzzy socks, brownies and other The buses departed last night into the darkness. baked goods. “I don’t know where we’re going but we’re go- Please don’t give us assault rifl es as our boys ing to bring it,” said senior Jack Marberry, a mem- will have enough hardware,” Henderson said. ber of the Bomb Squad. “We’ll represent Wash. U. “We’ll defi nitely fi ght for the Red and the well in the service of our country.” Green as well as for the Red, White and Blue,” The Bomb Squad was last seen in action con- said Steven Cooper, another member of the Bomb CAPTAIN HOOK | US ARMY ducting psychological warfare at the Division III Squad. “We’ve already got another fi ght song that As part of their combat training, the Bomb Squad will learn how to escape Men’s Basketball Championship in Salem, Va. on we’ll use wherever we are.” helicopters while throwing baby powder.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW | US NAVY Senior Jack Marberry leads the Phi Delta Theta tank batallion on a training exercise at an undisclosed United States Military Facility. WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Balls Etc. Editor / Arnau Friguls Francitorra, Noted Anduran Curler / [email protected] STUDENT LIBEL 13 Bears storm to victory at Wydown

“When our defense gets going, and they get Worthington Foxworth III the ball to the right guy, and we’re running the Investigative Reporter lanes, we score points off turnovers so quick- ly,” he said. “That was what happened [against The two-time defending Division III Na- Wydown]. It was a tight game, and then all of tional Champion Washington University Bears a sudden you look up and it was a 100-point stormed to victory during an exhibition game game.” against the co-ed Wydown Middle School Lla- After His Royal Highness Prince William mas. Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight The Bears, fresh after the victorious end to Companion of the Most Noble Order of the their season a week-and-a-half ago, defeated Garter, picked up his second foul 0:14 into the the Llamas 161-0 in twenty minutes of play. game, junior guard Billy Shakespeare entered The team was visiting the Middle School as a the game and played the rest of the exhibition part of a workshop teaching the fundamentals match. The Bard made an immediate impact, of basketball. recording three assists and a three-pointer that The overwhelming victory saw the Bears put Washington ahead 75-0 with 11:31 remain- escalate their level of play far beyond the level ing. of either of their previous two seasons. During the run, Wydown turned the ball “We just saw the ball hit the floor, and the over ninety-seven times and attempted just two competiveness inside of each of us took over,” shots. Following the game, the entire men’s said senior team captain and wizard Albus team was voted to the d3hoops.com National Dumbledore. “When you’ve got it going like Team of the Week. This is the first time in the that, you’ve got to keep shooting. It was a good poll’s history that one school has represented feeling midway through the second ten min- the entire national sample. utes and we just went from instinct.” “We really stepped up defensively this After two hours of instruction in dribbling, weekend. Our defense has been solid all sea- shooting, passing, defense and team work led son, but that’s really where the difference was by the Wash. U. players, the aggressive play this week,” sophomore center Reginald Pha- took Wydown coaches and parents by surprise. lange said. Although the Llamas cried in fear throughout The Bears next return to the court against most of the scrimmage, Head Coach Edward the Hamilton Elementary Ocelots on Friday Markson spoke highly of the team’s well-prac- afternoon. ticed routine.

MARY MITTENS | WYDOWN MIDDLE SCHOOL Sophomore Reginald Phalange scored 56 points in the ﬁ rst ten minutes of play against Wydown Middle School. ROTC loses paintball match against 14-year-olds at birthday party

General David Petraus “I tried to use my words, but there’s no reasoning with them. advance of several dozen 8th graders. Special to Student Life I surrendered, but one of them shot me in the neck anyway! I Senior Jack Hoff did manage to take one prisoner. kept surrendering and they kept shooting my neck!” “What happened was I snuck way around to the back and Koopenschuster added that the kids’ pink paintballs didn’t there was one just sitting at a picnic table with no gun or any- The Washington University ROTC paintball platoon suffered help their confidence much either. thing,” Hoff said. “Sucker. He was just eating a sandwich when a crushing defeat at the tiny, sticky hands of the Billy Phillips “We looked like a unit of pink Power Rangers,” freshman I grabbed him from behind, guerilla style. I took off my shirt birthday party last Saturday at Wacky Warriors. and Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster said. “My shirt is ruined! and wrapped it around his head, squirting a juice pack into his “Those little brats were everywhere,” groaned shell-shocked I’m ROTC; I’m not cool or ironic enough to wear a pink shirt! face like they taught us in ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques,’ senior Ian McDuff, who was awaiting medical attention in tri- This is worse than when we played laser tag against the cheer- but then his mom and some guy who worked there starting hit- age as this issue went to press. “I only joined ROTC to pay for leading team.” ting me, and it was totally awkward.” med school, I don’t know what to do with these gun things!” According to Junior Field Commander Carl Carleton, not The ROTC team will be taking on the Clayton Girl Scout Sophomore Alex Koopenschuster agreed. even his battalion’s terrifying war paint could slow the giggling Troop 521 next Thursday. 14 STUDENT LIBEL | TRL FML LOL! TRL FML LOL! / Ustad Vilayat Khan, Master Sitarist / [email protected] WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 TRL FML LOL! “Slumdog” Ends World Suffering

Human Being to each one.” based on race relations plummeted.” Economist Position Position It isn’t just the monetary donations that have Mark Michaels said. “They just don’t feel guilty stopped. “I used to visit schools in the most im- anymore. It was the guilt that was keeping them poverished areas of L.A.” Will Ferrell said. “Now charitable.” The recent success of Slumdog Millionaire I’m spending most of my time at Planet Beach Although it might seem scary that these usual at the Academy Awards has led to a change of Tans. I mean, I’m sure the kids miss me, but it’s leaders of philanthropy are ending their chari- heart in Hollywood. “Finally, I can stop helping time I started caring about myself a little more.” table givings, many politicians are welcoming all these poor people,” George Clooney said. “I Perhaps the most shocking change of heart the change. “If celebrities aren’t giving anymore, mean, since this fi lm about poor people from a has come from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, it means nothing is wrong.” California Governor developing country did so well at the Oscars and currently in Ethiopia returning their adopted Arnold Schwarzenegger said. “If people were made a bunch of money, those kids in India don’t daughter. starving, then Hollywood would care. Obviously, need my money anymore. It’ll trickle down from “We just decided that since Slumdog Mil- everyone in the world is happy!” somewhere else. Now I don’t have to feel so lionaire was such great PR for poor people, Slumdog Millionaire has done the impossible guilty for being so rich and awesome.” Hollywood no longer had to care about those and ended world suffering, at least according to Hollywood, usually one of the most charitable less fortunate; so no we can return the kid,” Jolie Hollywood. Now America can be ready for the industries in America, has basically halted all said. “This wouldn’t have happened if “Milk “or next issue to take Hollywood by storm. Until a philanthropic actions. Charities across the world “Frost/Nixon” had won —then we would have movie about it wins an Academy Award. closed their doors today as stars decided that it kept her. It’s not like she’s gay or a corrupt politi- was time to spend a little money on themselves. cian.” *Due to the electricity being cut off in villages “I used to be able to only afford three houses Many saw this trend starting after “Crash” formerly helped by celebrities, and because the since I was donating so much money to AIDS won best picture in 2005. “We saw that after villagers have no money to pay for power, those research,” Clive Owen said. “Now I’m buying a this fi lm about race received the award, the who used to receive celebrity donations could not house on each continent, plus a private jet to get number of charities actors contributed to or ran be reached. Word is they’re fi ne.

EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON THE GAME. EVAN FREEDMAN HAS WON Headmess to headline at W.I.L.D.

Eminem Music Connoisseur “We’re thrilled for the show,” said Team 31 president Rob W.I.L.D. “This will be a concert unlike anything students have ever Local rap star Headmess, also known seen before.” as Director of Undergraduate Research and Just off a farewell tour, Headmess was Associate Dean of the College of Arts and Sci- reluctant to add another concert to his tour. ences Henry Biggs, will headline this spring’s Headmess signed on for the upcoming perfor- W.I.L.D. mance after negotiative that his booking fee Students appeared excited with the choice. would go to charity. “I don’t understand why I’ve got to watch “I don’t really want to perform anymore,” my freaking dean perform at my last W.I.L.D. Headmess said, “but I can’t image a year At least I’ll be too drunk to remember it any- without W.I.L.D., and this is for a very good way,” said senior Seamus O’Toole. cause.” The University supported Team 31’s deci- Team 31 also announced the rest of the sion, saying that this year’s lineup highlights show’s line-up yesterday. Associate Vice the skills of the St. Louis music scene and will Chancellor and Executive Director of Univer- work to improve relationships with the Univer- sity Communication Steve Givens’ contempo- sity. Biggs has, to date, released 2 EPs and is rary band Nathanael’s Creed will serve as the working on his third album. opening act. Admissions Office Receptionist PRINCE RICHARD, DUKE OF GLOUCESTER | DAILY MIRROR Headmess is also well recognized within Delise LePool will take the stage second while PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KENT | THE GUARDIAN You better lose yourself in the music, the moment/ the indie rap community, and has an average Headmess will serve as the third act of the You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to You own it, you better never let it go. 7.9 rating from Pitchfork media. evening. blow/ This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo. WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 TRL FML LOL! Editor / Stevie Wonder, Keyboarder / [email protected] TRL FML LOL! | STUDENT LIBEL 15 Music News

by Rosie Axel

1. Goo Goo Dolls, Lady GaGa to Record a Children’s Album In a press announcement on Tuesday, the early nineties rock band Goo Goo Dolls announced that, in a collaboration with Lady GaGa, they will release a children’s music album titled “Goo Goo GaGa.”

“We’ve seen how well playing to that age demographic has worked out for other bands, like the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus,” said Goo Goo Dolls bassist Robby Takac. “We’re trying to take that same audience and undercut it by a few years. They’re the only ones buying records anymore.”

The album is slated to drop some time in late May, and in the Goo Goo Dolls’ return to relevance, will be followed by a 3-D concert movie event.

2. LiveFeed Announces New Lineup Anti-hunger organization LiveFeed has announced the lineup for its big annual beneﬁ t, which includes Cake, Mustard Plug, Salt-n-Pepa and The Cranberries.

“We really feel like these bands understand the vision of Live Feed, and we’re thrilled to be working with them,” said director and founder Tom Robinson.

BIG BIRD | KIDDIE POOL Caption caption caption xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx. Fantastic. Fantastic.

CONCERT REVIEW Underground a cappella concert a success

Rockapella nized—really, under-recognized—a cappella complaints after each a cappella group has at- On weekends, you can regularly find the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? groups of whom few know and fewer appreci- tempted to devastate its rivals with a barrage underground vocal groups, including the Tiled ate. But with the right ear, you find that these of oohm-ba-bas. Murmurs, the Verdant Fronds, the Clichés, the underground “ballad battles” are fully engag- Formed out of necessity under dire condi- Nonprofessionals and the Jewesses. The little-known underground a cappella ing, once you get past the deafening notes of tions, the rogue musicians have thrived in But be on your guard: These battles can groups at Washington University, which the vocalists, who sing unrestrained without their steamy, dark and reverberating environ- often turn to violence, as evidenced by the consists of maverick altos and rogue tenors, help of music or metronomic rhythm. ment. brutal and oft-cited Great Silencing of 1996 is a treat for the student tired of the dreary It is advisable to bring a pair of earplugs “It just wasn’t fair that on-campus groups at Yale University, which resulted in the mainstream vocal groups on campus. with you on your first attendance. Sev- had such a monopoly,” said soprano Matthew strangulation and maiming of four students’ Within the recesses of the January Hall eral staff and faculty working in January DiCecco. “At least we showed them who’s in vocal cords. Since then, large gatherings of a tunnels, you can find a secret ring of unrecog- and Duncker Hall have already registered the right key.” cappella groups have been closely monitored. 16 STUDENT LIBEL | REAL FAKE HEADLINES Real Fake Headlines Editor / / [email protected] WEDNESDAY | APRIL 1, 2009 Real fake headlines Students Zoo elephants caught turn to having sex in B-Stacks mugging for own safety

Loop Lofts residents build Ark to avoid floating Students ask, ‘Why charlie brown, why?’

Bernie Madoff appointed vice chancellor of ﬁ nance

Chancellor opens bag, lets out cat