Navigating Real Life As an LGBT Adoptive Family

Center for Adoption Support & Education welcomes you to Strengthening Your Family an empowering and inspiring webinar series

Beyond the Home Study: Navigating Real Life as an LGBT Adoptive Family

featuring Ellen Kahn, Cynthia Cubbage, and Beth Wheeler

If you experience difficulty with audio using your computer speakers, click on the tab “Communicate” at the top and then choose “Speaker/Microphone Audio Test” from the drop down menu. Test your speaker – your microphone will not work as we have muted all participants so that background noise will not be an issue. To use your telephone for audio, click on the “Event Info” tab to access the phone numbers, access code, and your attendee ID # (which is unique to you).

All participants will be muted throughout the presentation. Jockey Being Family®

Jockey Being Family generously funds our monthly Strengthening Your Family webinar series.

Who is Jockey Being Family? Jockey International is a manufacturer, distributor and retailer of underwear and sleepwear for men, women, and children and is active in more than 120 countries. Jockey® created Jockey Being Family, a foundation that helps adoptive families remain strong and stay together-forever because Jockey believes that even one failed adoption is too many. To learn more about Jockey Being Family, please visit www.jockeybeingfamily.com

Jockey International’s C.E.O., Debra Waller, was adopted herself as an infant.

“Jockey Being Family is about bringing people together and it is exhilarating to have impacted the lives of so many families. We set out to strengthen adoptive families but we here at Jockey have also been equally touched by this program, the families, and their stories.” -Debra S. Waller

Navigating Real Life as an LGBT Adoptive Family LGBTAdoptive asan Life Real Navigating Beyond the Home Study: Study: Home the Beyond

EllenKahn,Cynthia Cubbage andBeth Wheeler Presentedby

With decades of experience, our mission is to strengthen the well-being of children and families of all adoptive experiences by providing them the adoption competent services and resources they need, including:

• Pre- and post-adoption counseling, assessment and therapeutic services • Individual and group therapy for kids, teens and adults • Crisis intervention, support and assistance with school issues • Training, education & interactive workshops – for families, educators and professionals • Nationally recognized post-adoption models • New family game: 52 Ways to Talk about Adoption • Award-winning print publications, articles, newsletters and online resources

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Statistics Statistics from the U.S. Census the 2000, National Survey of GrowthFamily and 2002, the States. United the in children adoptedall ofpercent four raising are parents lesbian and Gay states.the among number highestthe California, in parents andgay lesbian with living are adoptedchildren16,000 than More parents. lesbian gayand with livingare children foster 14,100 estimatedAn gayparent. or lesbian a with livingare children adopted 65,500 estimatedAn country.another same with children Adopted parents. adoptiveother than resources economic Same counties. U.S. all of 99.3%in livethey thatand families,lesbian and gay600,000 are approximatelyThere Adoption Adoption and Care Foster Analysis and Reporting System 2004 ) - sex couples raising adopted children are older, more educated, and have more haveand educated, more older, are children adopted raising couples sex

The LGBT Family

- sex parents are younger and more likely to be born in born be to likelymoreand younger are parents sex

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . . “Hierarchy” of placement special needs from foster care In the 90’s and today children with HIV/AIDS. foster/adoptive parents to babies and In the mid 80’s, gay men were allowed to be resource for “certain children”. LGBT parents were considered as a History of LGBT Adoption of LGBT History –

older children,

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . obstacles continue to exist (waiting children) (waiting to exist continue obstacles and bias have still country ofthe parts Many placement preventing declared organizations 1990’s Late Guatemala) (China, LGBT not adopt, to ‘singles’ allowed countries adoption international 2000’s early In 1990’s, History History of LGBT Adoption –

majority of professional of professional majority

no valid reason for for reason valid no

–

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . . be out Post LGBT families are they aware of the positive research on Concerns about professionals’ attitudes Family’s support or lack of are “out” Must first consider the extent to which you – The Adoption Process The Adoption

adoption

–

parenting will force you to

–

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . . placed. it could cause difficulty when a child is If there was not full disclosure in the process What will young child be told? If single, may not discuss SO or GI/GE ??? to be better prepared? family life. Were there missed opportunities about raising adopted children; adoptive you, but also preparation and education Is not just supposed to be an assessment of

The HomeStudy

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . family and family friends The impact of being out with extended parents/birth parents The impact of being out with foster families The impact of secrecy on children and The Importance of Being Out ofBeing The Importance

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . . know How and what to tell your child if they don’t they can support your child( becoming adoptive parent (s) including how Share need for support Share worries and fears Decisions about who to tell and why now Making the Transition to theTransition Making –

explaining reasons for secrecy, etc. Coming Coming –

educate about ut ren

)

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . grandma’shouseas opposed to whenyouat area friend’shouse? For example:Are youless affectionatewithpartneryour at “OUT” Howare you? Askyourself: . makeharder for them it to theiraccept parent’s sexuality. whatsexualityis, theyarelikelyto less havedeveloped viewshomophobic thatwill assumptionsthatmust be undone. Also If kidstold are whentheyare young,just with likeadoption, they notdomake the gayandlesbianfamilyas much ason.early possible books,to movies,adoption“normalize”at earlyan age.want You to “normalize” prevalentour in society.This isverysimilar to thebelief adoptionof usingadoption “gay”means If a parentfeels theywant to waittheuntil childisoldenough to understandwhat Examining “internalized homophobia”. Abigail Garner’s book, Families Like Mine

“Coming Out” and a families process… Bythat time the childcouldeasily have a homophobic attitudethat is LGBT Parents….

describes the following about a -

because theybecausedofully notyet understand

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . LGBT Parents: Are You Prepared? You Are LGBT Parents: Father’s Day school. E.g. Family assignment, Mother’s tree Day, adaptations to ensure thatyourchild feels “safe”at school? How will youask the school to make How and what do you communicate with yourchild’s “mother and father” Medical Forms at the pediatrician’s office have sense” of their sense” familysince it looks than different most

LGBT families LGBT families help must adoptedtheir children “make

Common Experiences of Experiences Common of the families theysee around them.

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . children about anti about children young withour conversations have we do How families?” other “all like are we that message the to give it important is when and How different? we that are the reality “minimizing” and families our “normalizing” between distinguish we do How

LGBT Families LGBT Families … - LGBT bias? LGBT

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . DO: It is important to know between that children the of 5ages and 7 usually . LGBT Adoptive suretheyunderstandmust make Parents This is important because the adopted child mayoften have fears of being rejected and since LGBT families are still rejected in society begin adopted, ofloss feelings and grief Some mayevenbegin to realize that he/she lost something in order to be parents) Realize their familylooks different frommost families around them(same Havephysicaland racial differencesfrom their families Inquisitive about the birthing experience

adds an “extra layerof difference” for their family children’s issues that may arise due to their adoption ANDunderstand how being an LGBT family LGBT families must make sure theyreceive the education and support necessaryto address begin feel:to adoption through the eyesof their child at different

LGBT Adoptive LGBT Adoptive

developmental stages -

the fear of rejection could be increased

F amilies….

sex

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . . . with gay parents? Did you lie? you Did parents? gay with Did my birth parents know I was going to be living to be I wasgoing know parents my birth Did gay? parent Is my birth you? like I begay Will daddy? a I have Do mommy? a I have Do questions you need to be prepared to answer to prepared to be need you questions Understand your child may ask many ask may child your Understand LGBT Parents … LGBT Parents - for a two mom family mom a two for -

for a two dad family dad a two for

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . Do Not: DO: . . do not want to hurt your feelings. They may take on a caretaker role. assume that they are telling you the truth. They may try to protect you and questions about their family or if they have been teased at school. DO NOT If you have asked your child whether or not they have received intrusive their adoption or family make Wait for your child to tell you they have been asked intrusive questions about LGBT Family Wait for your child to tell you they are getting teased about being part of an are a same sex couple. parents about the struggles they may be having due to having parents that about their birthparents often, they do not feel comfortable talking to their Just Just as an adopted maychild not tell their adoptive parents they are thinking

Prepare Prepare them for homophobia, racism, and questions about adoption

Understand child’s feelings about LOYALTY to

adoptive and birth parents parents LGBT Parents….

- up

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . . Talking With and Supporting Talking With andSupporting not want to be “out” about their family Middle and high school age children may child needs in their peer relationships? How do you respect the boundaries your How do you balance privacy and secrecy? structure.

O lder C hildren

O ur

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org GayBlind Color Blind our deal,just whomay people say negativeignore thingsabout aboutthe fact that anI’m parenting African Americanchild. are the and same nomatter what that I color care don’t assume that childrensometimes all race thantheirwill own family..you Color Blind and Gay Blind Blind Color -

Example: “Being part ofan“BeingExample: LGBT a familybig isn’t -

Adoptivea childparentsof parentinga different

don’t need to worryneed aboutit” don’t

They need to teach their children about and racist remarks. and language to use to address homophobic about adoption, but to give them the skills language and tools to respond to questions race, racism, and give their children the

Parents need to take a “color conscious” Color Blind and Gay Blind Blind Color approach.

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org Parenting transracially adopted youth presents presents youth adopted transracially Parenting – – exist. differences that withreality and dealing family into their child the integrating between balance the to find families for challenging be It can different. visibly are they adopted, transracially is child a When different. NOT belong they that feel and fit child adopted their help is to do want families adoptive transracial of what Much culture. and race surrounding challenges unique Transracial Adoptive Families

Challenges in

–

that they are are they that

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org . . secure sense of identity. children develop self families face challenges around helping their All adoptive parents including same race their children with racial socialization Transracial adoptive parents must provide

Adoptive Families Identity and Families Adoptive - esteem and healthy,

Who am I? Where did Icome from? Who am I like?

IDENTITY

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org Children develop sense of . . . . past, present and future dreams. future and present past, the from self of parts Integrating them see others how Discovering families their from different are how they Seeing families their to similar are they how Seeing self by:

- psychic component Identity Involves… Identity peers, teachers, coaches

DO Ask yourself: Doyouhavefriends that come to yourdinner table This is extremely important because it NORMALIZES the differences

different, and healthier sense of self which leads to less fear of rejection, less negative views of being family)? often that look like yours(same

The adoptive child’s familyshould be reflected in their community LGBT Adoptive Parent Must ….. Must Parent LGBT Adoptive

- sex couple, trans

- esteem.

- racial adoptive

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org Thank youtoour SPEAKERS P216 202 1588 HumanRightsCampaign Foundation of Directorthe Children, YouthandFamiliesProgram EllenKahn [email protected] P476 301 8525 C.A.S.E. Coordinator,Program Adoption CynthiaCubbage,LCSW [email protected] P792 301 4118 Spring,Silver MD20910 1001 SuiteSpringSt., 117 Therapist, Private Beth Wheeler,LCSW [email protected]

Practice

- C

- CompetentTherapist

© Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org For information on our monthly “Strengthening Your Family” webinar series, please visit www.adoptionsupport.org/strengtheningyourfamily

Registration is FREE for first 150 registrants! The coupon codes will be available later this week.

For a schedule of our pre-recorded webinars on our most requested topics, please visit www.adoptionsupport.org/indemand