MADHU KISHWAR

Making Life More Meaningful —An Interview With Rinki Bhattacharya

These are extracts from an interview taperecorded with Rinki Bhattacharya in January 1984. Rinki began corresponding with Manushi about two years ago and would send an occasional report about events organised by women’s groups in Bombay. Her letters were full of energy and vitality so that in my mind I pictured her as a young woman fresh from college. Therefore, when I met her for the first time in Bombay at a meeting at the Women’s Centre, I was pleasantly surprised to see that even though Rinki is the mother of three grown up children and is not as young in years as I had imagined her to be, she is young in spirit, indeed, a woman who is just beginning her life. This I found all the more remarkable after hearing the story she had to tell. Rinki is the daughter of the legendary film director, Bimal Roy, of’Madhumati’, ‘Sujata’,‘Do Bigha Zamin’, ‘Bandini’ fame. She is married to another well known film director, Basu Bhattacharya, some of whose better known films are ’ ‘Avishkar’, ’Anubhav’, ‘Grihpravesh , and ‘Teesri Kasam’. In this interview, Rinki describes how she came to choose Basu Bhattacharya for a husband and how she was compelled to walk out of her marriage. She is now filing for a divorce on grounds of extreme cruelty. Throughout this interview, I was deeply touched by Rinki’s sense of dignity and by her lack of bitterness despite such a harrowing experience of married life. What seems most inspiring is her decision to speak out about her life so openly, even at the risk of facing more alienation and hostility from those she cares for, and her willingness to risk becoming a target of the cheap scandal mongering that is so typical of anything connected with the film industry. Today, her struggle is no more only a personal one. She sees herself as part of a much larger struggle of women in India. She is an active member of the Women’s Centre in Bombay.*

How many years have you been marriage, and that this marriage was not had a lovely joint family. We lived married and why have you decided to going to work, though I had modestly. I have seen my father struggle. break off at this point? singlehandedly tried to make it work. But there was no bitterness or stress in This would have been the twenty first I also became aware that there was the atmosphere. My father’s elder year of marriage. I don’t think the marriage something more I wanted to do and brother happened to be married to my has survived. I was always under the establish in life apart from a relationship mother’s sister. My mother comes from a impression that if I confessed that my with my husband and children. very educated family. Her father was the marriage was not working, it would be Why don’t we begin with your private tutor of the Maharaja of Benares. an admission of failure. I did not know childhood upbringing, and the My parent’s marriage was something like where I had failed. atmosphere in your family? a love marriage. I have been a full time housewife and I was born in the city of Calcutta and We had a beautiful childhood in mother and, in between raising the received my primary education there. My Calcutta. Sometimes, my father would children and doing the housework, I have father belonged to a feudal family of East send for us to go and see the studios found time to be a freelance journalist. Bengal. They came as refugees to after shooting. In those days the studios Over the last two years there has Calcutta just before the partition, and my were charming places. There were been a growing restlessness in me. I think father was married to my mother in fishponds and birds and beautiful it began when, in 1980, we moved to a Calcutta. My father, his mother and his gardens. It was like a fantasy world for new house which is very similar in brother came away to Calcutta because us. My sister and I were pampered very appearance and character to the house they were thrown out of their zamindari, much by my father’s colleagues. We were where I was raised. The moment I and were cheated of their property by not aware of any glamour in that life but stepped into this house,I became. aware the other members of the joint family. I was aware of something which was not of reaching my roots again.This was also My father began working as a day to day life, that was my father’s life. the moment of realisation that there was cameraman in the legendary New Theatre We were three sisters and a brother something terribly wrong with my productions with Promathesh Barua. We but while in Calcutta we lived in a big

2 MANUSHI joint family with cousins and so on. My world who don’t even get this to eat.” because it was considered the best place father was a great disciplinarian. Very Believe me, Madhu, I have not wasted a to study. often, I tell my children that I was slapped grain of rice since then. I was told that he But my father was too fond of me only twice by my father. Being the eldest slapped me on one other occasion but I and my sister so he could not think of daughter I was very spoilt. One day, don’t remember it. sending us so far away. when I was about three or four years In 1950 we shifted to Bombay when When we came to Bombay, my old, I didn’t like the food so I threw a my father was invited to make a film for father’s colleagues often stayed with us tantrum and threw the rice on the floor. Bombay Talkies. The Calcutta film until they found a place. It was an open At that moment my father entered the industry had suffered due to the partition house. We had a beautiful family life. It house and he saw the rice on the floor. of Bengal so many film directors moved was a very close knit and large family. This is supposed to be a bad sign in a to Bombay. We were shifted to What did you aspire to do and be in Hindu house because rice is considered coeducational English medium schools, later life? sacred. He asked my mother who had after which I was sent to a convent I don’t think I can specify what I thrown the rice and she replied :“Your school. There was talk of sending me to wanted to be but I was aware that spoilt daughter.” He gave me a stern look Santiniketan where my uncle was a language was my area of expression. I and then gave me a tight slap. He said professor since the time of Tagore. All was an avid reader and I used to read “Remember that there are people in this my cousins have been educated there, almost continuously—first Bengali books and later English books. This reading habit has stayed with me and has stood me in good stead. How did you happen to meet Basu? I met him some time in the early sixties. He worked with my father in just one film, Parakh. But before that, he used to hang around the house. My mother was a kind of bhabhi to him. She liked to treat bachelors to good food and to talk to them. Our house was an open house. If she cooked something nice she would send for her favourite “brothers-in-law.” Basu was a great talker and my mother just loved that. Probably she was a bit lonely those days. My father had become very busy and all the children had grown up. Basu used to come and have long chat sessions with my mother. I don’t even remember when I first noticed him but I think one evening I heard a loud male voice reciting Tagore’s poetry on the verandah. I saw this young Bengali, dressed in a typical saffron khadi kurta and pajama, a little unkempt. This could be a scene from a Bengali film of the fifties. Something struck me though I didn’t talk to him. I had never had a boyfriend. I was the pure romantic kind and believed in all fairytale romances. Today, in retrospect, I can be honest to myself and say that I was not in love with the man but I was in love with the concept. It was so blown out of Rinki Bhattacharya proportion in my head that I was trying

NUMBER TWENTY THREE, 1984 3 to fill a vacuum. It so happened that this older than I am. I think I was trying to said: “I don’t know what came over me.” man came at a time when this concept prove something, trying to justify the He was also very tense. After this, my was taking shape and he took that form. nonexistence of class. I thought I was parents stopped me from going to I think I was also overly influenced fighting for justice. college. by my father’s films which romanticised I had always had a good Do you think that the unreasonable interclass marriages. It was an obsession communication with my father though, opposition from your family precipitated with Bengali literature and films in the he usually hid behind a very stern matters? forties and fifties to show love between patriarchal image. I was the only one Yes, it did. It was like being gheraoed. people of two different ethnic and social who had a good communication with I was completely engulfed and groups. In my father’s first film, Hamrahi, him. My father refused to talk to Basu. suffocated by the opposition. There was the class barrier was bridged by love. He warned him not to have anything to not a person who wanted to listen to me. The hero was Basu’s type—strident, do with me. Basu offered his Suddenly, my feelings stopped having outspoken, antiestablishment, spouting resignation. My father tried to make him any priority for my family. I was not speeches. promise that he would have no contact treated like an adult though I was 20 years I don’t think it was a conscious with me but he refused to promise. old. I was stopped from going to college choice on my part to place Basu in that My father became so upset that he and was sent off to Calcutta. tradition but, as I said, he came at that stopped going to the studios, a thing My BA exams were approaching and point in my life when I was dying to fall he never did even if he had fever. He I was very keen to come back to Bombay in love. This was the romantic image of was making Bandini at that time but he and do my exams. My parents came to love I had. How old were you when you stopped work and began staying at know that Basu and I had filed an met Basu? home. The atmosphere in the house application for marriage in the Bandra I was about 17 when I met him and was terrible, very hostile to me. I started registry. They said that they would bring fell in love but I waited three years to feeling insecure. I was not allowed to me back to Bombay only if I withdrew decide and when I eventually married I go out of the house, not even to my the application. By then, Basu had was 21. best friend’s place. My father got the followed me to Calcutta. Somehow, I was We began to meet clandestinely on telephone disconnected. Our relatives smuggled out of the house and we got my way back from college and so on. and family friends would come to married in the registrar’s ofiice there. This We carried on the affair mainly on the persuade me. The atmosphere in the was in January 1963. telephone. We used to talk for hours on house was as if someone was dying, After that, I didn’t think twice about the telephone, discussing social, very morbid. withdrawing the application in the political, economic issues. It was never One day, Basu managed to contact Bandra court, so I came back to Bombay silly adolescent love talk. Slowly we me and asked me to come out and that and started going to college. My family began to contemplate marriage. I wanted day, I did manage to get out. I went in became very suspicious about my Basu to go and talk to my parents about the car because the driver had been sudden lack of interest in Basu. They this but he kept avoiding doing so. As a taken into confidence by Basu. I went sent word to my uncle in Calcutta to find result, they came to know about it to Basu’s house. He was living in a kind out if I had got married in Calcutta. through rumours and exaggerated of chawl. I had been to his house a few By chance, I came across a letter from reports from other people. There was a times, on my way back from college, but my uncle to my mother, saying he had big furore and a virtual clamp down on nobody knew that. That afternoon, I just checked all the offices in south Calcutta me. wanted to get out for 10 or 20 minutes. I and would be checking those in the north I got a shock when there was so don’t know what happened. I don’t as well. By this time I was pregnant. I much opposition from my family to the know if you’d call it rape but it virtually was very afraid lest they discover I was idea of my marrying Basu. In fact his amounted to that. married while I was still living in the being so friendly with my parents had You weren’t prepared for it? house. I confided in the land-lady. She been a kind of reassurance for me. I did No, absolutely not. advised me to leave the house. So I wrote not realise that not every man my And you protested? a letter and I left their house. That is how parents liked would be approved of as Yes. But he was physically stronger my married life began. their son-in-law. We had been made than I was and he over powered me. I How did your family members react? aware that it was unjust to value a person came home in about 15 minutes I was Naturally, there was tremendous for their class and not for themselves. I still not aware of the extent of what had shock. I never got to know what exactly thought they were being very unfair to happened. I did not know it would have their reaction was because I had no this man and I decided to stick by him. I such an effect, that I would become communication with them. All I knew was developed a kind of protective feeling pregnant. I told him what he had done the feedback I got from various friends. even though he is about eight years was wrong and I was very angry. He My sister was so upset that even today

4 MANUSHI she refuses to talk to Basu. I was sure of husband lacked the consideration to privileges and freedoms within the one thing—they were very upset with enquire if I had eaten. framework of the house. me. I had fallen in their eyes. Their card sessions used to continue Were you able to move outside that How were the first few months of very late into the night and I used to framework? married life? wait since I did not want to eat without There was no question of my looking The first few months were all right. my husband. Finally, one day, I lost my outside because I was at that time so But what really struck me was that even temper. It was late at night and his friends confined with my pregnancy and trying the day I left home I was not given any were playing cards. As usual, I was to grapple with the problems of my spontaneous warmth or attention which expected to keep on supplying tea. I was pregnancy. I was absolutely alone until I had expected. It was taken for granted: in an advanced stage of pregnancy. At the end of the pregnancy when Basu “Well, so now you have come.” Perhaps 11.30 p.m.., I went and told them: “Look, called an adopted sister of his. When he was also very upset by the manner in you are welcome to play cards here but she came with her maidservant I felt which we had to go about it. please remember that this is a married somewhat more secure. Otherwise I was I felt a lack of attentiveness or man’s house, not.a bachelor’s joint, and completely alone, with these male friends affection on his part but I was very afraid I have to eat. This is the combined of his all around. After my marriage, there to analyse this feeling since I had staked drawing room and dining room. Some, was a total blockade between me and my everything on this marriage, and I did of you have wives and it is unfair to keep family, my friends, my own circle. not want to go ahead with an analysis us waiting like this.” They were very Why did you lose touch with your which would give me an answer which offended and some of them stopped friends? was not suitable for me. That is why I I became more and more dependent kept on evading it subconsciously. on Basu’s friends. I thought since I was I got married in January 1963 and I a married woman I must change the left home in March. I was completely whole pattern of social interaction. I numbed. I think I suffered from a delayed looked to his friends and their wives. I shock effect. Also, I was very lonely. I did not feel very secure in that circle was used to a large family. Suddenly I though, later on, I did become very fond was left with only my husband and his of one family, Dina Pathak’s family. That friends who were not the kind of people family became a substitute for my own with whom I could mix freely. family. We were living in a single room How were the next few years? chawl. I was very frail and was suffering Well, just after my first baby was the discomforts of pregnancy I had to coming to the house. I had wanted Basu born, my father fell seriously ill. I was run the house, cook, and do everything. to tell them but since he would not, I had very worried. Very soon, he died of I felt a sense of neglect. He continued to become unpopular. cancer. That brought me more gloom and living like a bachelor. He would play cards Was there anything in the depression because I felt that maybe I upto any hour of the night. We were relationship which counterbalanced should have been closer to him but I had never together because his friends were these negatives? been prevented from being with him. My always around. Many of them came to Well, there were warm moments. I mother insisted that he would be angry stay as guests. was deeply in love with Basu and I think so she separated me from him. I argued Though we could barely afford it, I wanted to believe that he was also in with her and told her she was being there were always people eating at our love with me in the early stages. But his unreasonable. house, especially young boys who were lack of consideration did hurt me. It went Eventually, I realised that he was not looking out for jobs. against my concept of love and family angry at all. He was just deeply hurt. It They became regular invaders. They life. was not true that he did not want to see would be there suddenly at dinner time. Was the relationship between you me. That was only the exterior, a I had never been in the kitchen before two very different from your parent’s pretension. Once that became clear to and now I was expected to play the role relationship? me, I made no bones about being with of a seasoned housewife. He would say: Certainly there were tremendous him. By that time, I was expecting again. “OK, there are so many people for differences. My father treated my mother In between, I had lost a child. dinner”, and sometimes I would have to with extreme courtesy. My mother was How did that happen? go without food because these people supreme in the house. Though she It’s a terrible story. I have never been had no courtesy. They would grab the belonged to a generation in which women able to talk about it. When my fiist child food and I was too polite to take my share. are supposed to have been more was about a year old, I became pregnant. But I would feel very hurt that my suppressed, she enjoyed many My hasband had to go for outdoor

NUMBER TWENTY THREE, 1984 5 shooting in Bina, a small rural town in want another child. handwriting.” He is the eldest son. This Madhya Pradesh. I was in a bad state of Could you not have avoided it? is how things went on until last year. .mind because my father was ill. I was foolishly ignorant about sex. Then I sought their help in my At Bina, we were put up in a railway And your husband? problem. I felt they lacked the courage bungalow with no amenities. Though my He never said anything. I don’t think to talk to him or to stand by me. My husband was the director we were given we ever talked about it. It was a sister-in-law, who is a warm, affectionate, a room six feet by eight feet in size. I had contradiction in our relationship. The cheerful woman, wrote to me, saying : to sleep there with my son and the small same two people who could talk about “You forget him and come here. We will girl who looked after him. There was no anything under the sun before marriage decide what to do.” It was difficult for toilet. The whole situation started suffered a kind of alienation when it came me to go because of the children’s depressing me. I had to use the same to their everyday life after marriage. education. But later, when she got to toilet which was being used by 40 men Why do you think this happened? know I had left home, she changed and of the film crew. I think my husband found it difficult started writing to say that I should avoid Slowly, I began to be aware of to accept me on an equal footing yet he scandal and forgive my husband. She physical discomfort and started knew he had to accept me as such. In his said I should put up with his tantrums bleeding. I told Basu that this was family, women are just there. When I because he is a famous man. She keeps strange since I was two months visited my in-law’s place, I found his on appealing to me, saying : “Forgive pregnant. I said I wanted to see a doctor sisters and his sisters-in-law were all him, and forgive me.” I don’t know for but he said that none was available. In utterly bound to the house with no what I should forgive her. the night, he forced himself on me. personal life of their own. All of them get When did he begin to get violent? What? Even though he knew you up at 4 a.m.., and start doing the cleaning I think around 1967. That is when were bleeding? and then purify the whole house with the beatings started. My father died in These are the things I couldn’t talk Ganga water. The physical labour 1965. As long as my father was alive, about. And he said : “Don’t worry, why involved was shocking to me. It struck Basu never touched me. But he used to are you worrying? People do enjoy sex me as inhuman, the way they worked beat my son even for little childish while menstruating.” The next day, he from morning to evening. At night, the pranks. My son was the least had to go far away on location for men would come at 11, and the women troublesome of kids. If he wanted to go shooting. He told me some medical would eat only after the men had eaten. to my mother’s house or if he couldn’t arrangement would be made for me later. The men would say with pride : “Oh, say his alphabet properly he would get In the daytime I got a terrible pain bhabhi—she will never eat before us.” a beating. And what beatings ! I just can’t like labour pain. I told the little girl to see But I did enjoy the stay though many describe them. My son is a very sensitive if she could get a doctor or else to call of their ways were alien to me. I enjoyed child. The beatings upset him so much some adult. By that time I had started being made much of. I thought I should that he used to bedwet till the age of aborting. I didn’t know what to do. I was help with the cooking but they said: four. terrified. My little son was standing there. “Why should you cook, you won’t be Over what issues did he start The girl called the chowkidar’s wife who able to lift the handa.” Later on, I realised beating you? came and held my hands. The abortion that I was not allowed to enter the kitchen Well, he would imagine that I was took place but the placenta remained because I was not a brahman. So one disobeying him or slighting him, inside. A nurse was called. Then I realised day I insisted and I broke the rule. I Sometimes, a verbal exchange would that there was a railway hospital across cooked the lunch and they sort of build up and end in a beating. At first, it the road. I was absolutely unfamiliar with obliged me. used to be just one slap or two. It would the place. The pain resulting from this Did you get on well with your in- upset me very much. I had put all my continued for months. When the doctor Iaws throughout your married life? creative energy into this marriage and I was called that evening, he was very Oh yes, extremely well. They looked was not ready to face the fact that it was angry at the unprofessional manner in upon me as someone on whom they not working. which the nurse had handled the case. could depend. I always extended all help He would snub me and scream at me Four or five days after this, the whole possible to them. All their communication publicly. Afterwards, he would say : “Oh, team was supposed to go to Sagar by with my husband was through me. They come on, that is past now, forget it.” He road. I didn’t want to travel so soon as I approached me, not him, for everything. never said he was sorry. He used to say: was not well enough. But my husband He has no relationship with them. “Two words are totally unknown to me- said “You will be all right. We will put I was shocked to notice that he never thank you and sorry.” He would scold two cushions for you.” So I travelled with even wrote to his old mother. She would rne if I taught the children to say thank them. I became very weak. The next year, write to me, asking me : “Tell him to write you or sorry. He called it all bullshit, part I was expecting again though I didn’t at least once. I, want to see his of pseudo life.

6 MANUSHI I tried to run away from the fact that help you? He is my brother. I have the waiting downstairs and as I went out, I was being beaten. I used to completely power to kill you. You should be grateful the door banged itself before I could shut erase the memory as you erase a tape. that I will not kill you.” The next morning, it gently.. Basu was sitting with his The morning after I was beaten it would I could not get up from bed. friends. He charged out and said : “How be hell, absolute hell. I would feel terribly Often, after beating me up, he would dare you bang the door ?” He dragged depressed, rejected. Sometimes I would beat his chest in a mad frenzy, saying I me into the bedroom and started pour my unhappiness into my diary. My had ruined him, ruined his life. He would walloping me. I was very badly bruised suffering was so deep that I could not cry and rave about how miserable he and had a huge black eye. Even while I find words for it. It would take some days was. In my confusion, I would soothe was being beaten I was aware that the to come out of the depression. But I tried him, forgetting my own bruises. It was driver was waiting downstairs. I had to to wash myself clean of this depression both ridiculous and frightening. tell him to go since I couldn’t come. The by pretending that it did not happen. What other forms did the beatings maidservant came in just then. She took And I would tell myself : ‘’lt won’t take? one look at me and bolted. This was one happen again.” He would twist my arm. He would of the worst beatings I got from him. How did it escalate from slaps to usually hit me with the back of his hand. Basu was afraid to stay home lest violent beatings? He has very heavy, tough, solid hands. someone come and see me in that state. I remember the first time I left home He has hit me with his shoes and slippers. So he insisted that we should go out. He was in 1973. I had made a half boiled egg At times, he hit me with a hanger and took me to the beach. I was howling away. for him and he was in a hurry to go to broke it across my back. Because how could I pretend I was not work. I brought the breakfast and gave it I remember one particular incident. beaten when this evidence was there for to him. To my illuck, in the first spoonful A childhood friend had asked me out to everyone to see? How would I face my he took, there was a bit of shell. He spat lunch. Basu was enraged. He said : “How family? He had lunch out. I couldn’t eat. it out on my face and gave me such a dare he invite you out alone ?” I was I refused to go back with him to my hard slap that my lip was cut. Then he supposed to go out at 12 noon and mother’s house. My whole family was beat me very badly, saying: “Haven’t you there—cousins and all. even learnt to make a halfboiled egg ?” When we came home, he went to my And he left in a huff. mother’s place and I asked him to make I was very shaken up, especially some excuse but not to let my family see because of his having spat the egg on me in that state. But he came back and me. Eggs give me a slimy feeling and I brought my whole family with him. don’t like slimy things. I could not stand Madhu, I remember the sight clearly— being in the house alone. I went over to all of them standing in the doorway while the house of a friend who is a lecturer I lay in bed. All they could do was gasp. and lives nearby. I really broke down. I was black and blue all over. He would She saw my lip all swollen up. She said : not save me even from that. My brothers “This is too much. How dare he? You and sisters were horrified, Mounibaba stay here and don’t go home even if he around 11 a.m., Basu kicked up a row saw it too and just stared. comes.” and beat me up with a hanger which left I was not given the option of telling In the evening, she had to go but marks all over my back. Then he my mother that I was being beaten. She she told me not to leave. My mother had compelled me to go and keep the just saw it and she started hating me for rung up to say that my uncle to whom I appointment though I felt like cancelling it. Maybe she thought I deserved it. was very close, had died. Then Basu it. Once or twice when I went to my mother’s came in a very repentant mood and said So this way or that, I had no options. house so as to get a little space, if I would : “I don’t want you to be alone when I had to take the beatings and next overreact or answer back, she would say: you are feeling so low. Come home.” He moment, I had to pretend that nothing “Oh, you must have been beaten.” That convinced me and took me home. was wrong. This happened again and was worst of all— that she should pull At about 2 a.m., he wanted to make again. I would be beaten and then would me up for something which was not my love to me. I was revolted by that. He have to go and say hello to his friends fault. I think if instead of their seeing me knew I had just lost my uncle. How could who were sitting in the next room. like that, I had been able to tell them that he think of this? I tried to knock him off. The worst incident in my life this man was doing this to me and I He held my throat and bashed me black occurred on the day my mother’s guru needed help, they would not have felt and blue. Basu’s brother was sleeping in Mounibaba from Ujjain was to leave so alienated from me as they came to the next room. I wanted to yell out to him town and we were supposed to see him feel. The same mistakes continued in my for help. Basu said : “You think he will off at the airport. My mother’s car was life—my not being able to articulate my

NUMBER TWENTY THREE, 1984 7 problems, and our exposing ourselves annoyed. Then just as we were reaching I don’t know. I am not suspicious as to people. the restaurant he said : “Look, I have a a person and I thought I had to have Do you think this was his way of little work with Sharmila Tagore. Do you enough faith in him to continue living getting back at your family for the way mind if I go and see her first?” I said : together. So I chose to be blind and to they had rejected him? Was he trying to “Yes, I do mind because the children are overlook if anything was going on. But show them how much power he had over very hungry.” He did not go to see her it is more than probable he has. I have you? but he became violently abusive. This had no relation with him for the last two He never forgave my parents for finished off the children’s appetite. They and a half years. It is impossible he has resenting this marriage. Whenever he were too terrified to order food. The whole remained celibate. Before my marriage, got a chance he would rub it in. Even mood was completely ruined. So the next one of the fears my parents had was when I was in labour I was not spared day I too left for Bangalore with them. Basu’s reputation for being a ladie’s man. this feud between him and my family. I Basu followed and brought me back. Some claimed he was married earlier ! I insisted he call my mother. She came to Till date, he has never offered a was up in the clouds and treated all this the hospital but she was not allowed to holiday or a treat to the kids. It was always as unfair character assassination which come to be with me. I was torn apart by I who tried to make him agreeable to parents use to dissuade their daughters. this high drama of hostility which come with us. And it would always lead Did both of you ever sit down to continued intermittently. to a scene. discuss your problems? My bad relationships with them were Why did you insist on his coming? No, never. He refuses to discuss. He accelerated by Basu’s temper tantrums. I was very foolish. I thought it would does not think there is anything wrong He used to go and misbehave at their be incomplete without him. And anything with him. If I tried to discuss it would place, scream at them for not accepting I did alone was condemned completely. lead to further assaults. So I learnt to him as their jamai. For months together, The only social life I had was with Basu. hold my tongue. I went to psychiatrists he would prevent the children from I never saw a film without him. I never because I was suffering from extreme going there. He would send back the went out anywhere on my own. I’ve been depression. They tried to treat him Diwali or Dashera or birthday gifts sent a total idiot. I chopped off my own feet. through me because he refused to go by them. He would say: “Send it back. I Was there anything at all positive and see them. One of them suggested I don’t want to live on their charity.” If I in the relationship? get out of the house and go for a holiday. resisted, either I or my son would get a There were a lot of good patches. So I took the children and went to beating. Around 1975, after I got my third baby, Hyderabad. I was absolutely broken in Sometimes there would be good when I was about 30 years old, I started spirit. We stayed in a hotel for about eight patches, Basu got round my mother and enjoying my love life. I was in better days, That was the first time I left home made her buy our first flat. He is very health. The tension of raising the first like that. Otherwise, I never went good at being charming when he wants two children was over. They were anywhere without Basu. something done. somewhat grown up now and I was One doctor said : “Basu will never Now looking back, why do you think mentally a bit free and started getting my admit there is anything wrong with him you put up with so much, when it confidence back. so we have to counsel you to handle offended your sense of being? He made me feel that I was the most him and how to avoid these violent What option did I have, Madhu? beautiful woman in the world, the situations.” He advised me to take Where could I go? I had no job. He kept greatest. I enjoyed being the supreme refuge by locking myself into a room on threatening to throw me out. Every woman in his life, I took him at his face when I saw Basu was about to blow up. time we had a violent scene, he would value when he said there was no other This is what I started doing. It was only say: “You get out.” woman in his life. He made me feel in 1982 that a therapist finally suggested That really hit me because I had three somewhat like a sex goddess, a role which that probably the only solution, was kids. he wanted me to play in the bedroom. separation. That was the first time Once in 1976,I did try to put an end But his need for sex was insatiable. anyone suggested separation. to it by leaving home. I went to stay with He tried to convince me that a woman Had you not considered it before? my sister, in Calcutta. This was totally like me needs to sleep with a man at least Not really. I knew I could go and stay unpremeditated. The night before my three times a day. He tried to convince with friends for a day or two or at most a children were to go and spend the me that it was my need. At first, I took it couple of months but I knew that would holidays with her, there was a huge scene. lightly but later it started bothering me, not solve my problems. I was trying to It was because we had planned to go because this is not the way I think a search for ways to put an end to the and eat out at a Chinese restaurant. He relationship can prosper. problem for good but I didn’t want to kept delaying it until the children were But do you think he sought other put an end to my marriage. exhausted and very hungry. I got a little sexual outlets? What did friends suggest?

8 MANUSHI Oh, they used to say : “It is very his name but I paid about one third of One day he created such a scene that wrong of Basu. He must be having the money. I came out and said : “What do you tremendous problems.” They tried to How did you come to the point of want?” He said : “Oh, come on now, you analyse his behaviour. Every body kept living separately? have had enough. Why are you still sending me back to the marriage, back Since August 1982. I started sleeping angry with me?” I said : “I can’t sleep to my home. That is where my place was. in my daughter’s room. I decided to do with you. I don’t love you any more. This Did you have any control over that after his very insulting behaviour body is not available to you any more. money? one night. He woke me up at about 3 a.m. Even if I die without sex I will not give I was dependent on him to give me and tried to make love to me. I was very you this body.” And I stuck to that ever money. There wasn’t a month in my life tired and not well so I said : “Please leave since, no matter how many tantrums he when I did not have to humiliate myself me alone, I want to sleep.” He just created. by asking for money. He knew he had to towered over me and put on the light. How did your children react to these give me household money, but he used Then he said : “I have a right over your scenes? Did they ever try to intervene? to rub it in that he was the giver and I body Yo u are my wife. I need sex to They used to get very upset. My had to play the role of the oppressed sleep. If you refuse I’ll bring another daughter used to get sick and start and really beg. He even said: “You woman into this house.” vomiting. When we had arguments the should learn to beg from me.” He used children always used to shut me up. to mock at me because he thought I was They would say : “At least one of you asking in a very “superior” manner. should keep quiet.” They didn’t want I was amazed at his lack of grace me to be subjected to that kind of torture. because I was asking money for the The turning point came one day in house, not for myself. I had denied myself 1982, when my son came to my rescue. any kind of luxury. I used to manage with That morning I had shut myself into my one pair of chappals while he used to study and was trying to get through an buy himself five pairs each time he went article. I had to meet a deadline so I kept to Calcutta, and all those pairs would the door closed because Basu makes a rot. He indulged in this kind of excess in lot of noise when he is at home. Basu everything. He drinks a lot and smokes started banging at the door. I kept quiet 555 or Dunhill cigarettes. Often, he I felt like screaming but I got up and and continued my work. The banging would not give me sufficient money for handed him the car keys and said : “You became louder. When I opened the door the house. To tide over the crisis I would can go and pick up any number of he charged at me and said : “No doors earn something from freelance women, Basu. My body will be given are going to be locked in this house. If journalism. when I want to give it. I may be your wife you want to lock doors go to your How did you start doing this? but if that is all you want from me, mothers house.” We had friends working in consider me dead from today. I am not He grabbed me by the hair, pulled me newspapers who encouraged me to write. there. Just get out.” He left. I couldn’t into the bathroom and started beating I became a correspondent for Amrita sleep in that room. I went and slept on me. He took out his kimono belt and said Bazar Patrika. I began to earn about Rs the sofa. At about 6 a.m. he came back : “l have had enough of you. I am going 200 a month. I needed that money. and said: “You should not be sleeping to strangle you.” I was really screaming, Did you ever have a joint account? here. Please forget it. What will the I had lost control of my voice. I got hold No. children think if they find you here.” I of his glasses and smashed them. Then Where did he put his money? said : “Let them think anything. I am not I heard a knock at the door. When he In his account. going back to that bed again.” opened the door my son came in. My Did you have any knowledge of it? From that day I left that room for husband said : “Look at her. She has Yes, I knew. I used to often go and good. That room oppressed me and I broken my glasses.” My son said : “You deposit cheques. couldn’t sleep in that bed again. I began just leave her alone and go out.” Did you have any control over it? to sleep in my daughter’s room. He He didn’t raise his voice. I realised No. couldn’t take this rejection. He would that the house was full of guests and And whom did the house belong to? disturb me in the night and try to sleep that had upset my son. One portion of it is in my name. I with me, when my daughter was right My husband left in a huff and my paid for that portion with some money next to me. If I locked the door he would son took me in his arms. I broke down. that my father left me and some money bang at the door and shout : “How can He said : “I have seen you beaten up too that I got by selling a small flat that my you lock doors? From whom are you often. This is no life for you. I’ll take a mother gave me as a gift. The flat is in protecting yourself in this house?” separate flat.”

NUMBER TWENTY THREE, 1984 9 That day, I realised that if I let the started doing incredible things. Either He takes away the typewriter. He beatings go on I would be destroying you leave or I leave the house.” I said does not let me touch the phone. I live my children. They were too confused. : “Fine. You leave the house.” I asked there like a prisoner of war. He cannot Maybe some day my daughter would the servant to bring Basu’s suitcase. throw me out because I will not allow think this was the way to live and she He got a bit unnerved. Then he him to throw me out. would allow some man to treat her this called my son and tried to make a Why do you continue living in that way. This really worried me. family conference out of it. He said to house? We had an elderly friend whom I my son : “Are you prepared to take Because that is my flat. I know if I look upon as a father. I asked him to the responsibility of looking after say I don’t want anything from him come over. He was horrified to see me your two sisters? I think your mother things will be much simpler. But I don’t in that condition. I could not talk. He has gone to the dogs, she is a whore. have a job. I am looking for one. I don’t kept on asking me : “Basu beats you I cannot leave the future of my two want to let him intimidate me like this. up?” Then he said : “You should have daughters in her hands. I will leave He is free not to pay for my food but he left long ago. You are not going to the money with you and go in peace. has to pay for the children. I want him put up with this any more. Just get I don’t mind leaving the house. I can to come to a settlement. this man out of your life. Forget about live anywhere.” Till then, where do I stand? Where him.” From that time I didn’t feel Very wisely, my son agreed. My do we women stand? Since he is in the ashamed about it any more. husband had expected him to say : film industry he can easily say that he is In a few day’s time my daughter’s “No. no, how can you go ?” But he not earning nowadays and can wash birthday was to be celebrated. Earlier, didn’t say that. I knew that Basu had his hands of me. I would have stopped the party, no intention of leaving the house. Also, what about the custody of the pretended I was ill. I would have died Then he started demanding the money children? I believe a mother loses her of shame. But this time I went ahead he had given me to run the house. I right over a male child when he is seven. and had a huge party even though I was disgusted so I handed over the Which mother would want to lose her had a black eye which stayed for three money and walked out. children? months. Basu thought that I would . I was shivering uncontrollably. I And ever since I have made up my refuse to go out because my black eye talked to Smita Patil who was very mind to leave Basu, he has resorted to was so evident but I insisted on going supportive and then to a lawyer. I went the foulest means to undermine the out with him and I got great pleasure to my mother’s house but I did not confidence of my children in me. He has from making him feel guilty. tell her that I had decided to leave him stolen letters from my desk and has It was around this time that I because I did not want to hear any shown them to my daughter as proof of discovered the Women’s Centre. I negative reaction at that moment. I my “infidelity.” My mother told me that decided to come here because I told my brother. He said : “Whatever he went and told her I want a divorce wanted to talk and get it out of my your decision, we are with you. Just because I have a secret lover. He does system. I could see the disbelief on decide.” That was what I was really not hesitate to tell these blatant lies even people’s faces when they came to thirsting for. This little support did to the Women’s Centre members. He said know that I had been beaten up for tremendous things for my spirit. to them : “Ask Rinki why she did not years. I wanted to find a place where I And now how are you living? What think of leaving me all these years. would not be disbelieved. I wanted to is the present arrangement? There must be a reason.” assure myself that I was accepted and There is no arrangement as such. I Can you see yourself starting to live feel legitimate. I wanted to work here. am living in that portion of the house with him again if he promises to reform? I thought since I had experienced so which belongs to me. It is in my name No, I can’t see that happening. I much I could help other women in and was bought with the money given don’t think he intends to keep these so similar situations. by my parents. And I am being allowed called promises. When I came back When did you make the final by this man to eat in the house. home after months my daughter told me break? He keeps on taunting me, in front of : “Baba says he will never beat you I left the house on December 6, the servants, saying : “You should be again.” As recently as last March he 1982. I had gone to my mother’s ashamed that you are still living off me.” made another abortive assault. house. I got delayed so I stayed the He has completely stopped giving me My only regret is that I could not night there. When I came back home money. I have to borrow from the walk out when the children were the next morning Basu started servant at times. This morning, I had to younger. Today they have become accusing me of spending the night out ask my little daughter to ask the servant victims of his paranoia. He tries to with some man. He said : “Don’t tell for Rs 10. Basu gives money to my confuse my daughters and tells them me lies. This is too much. You have daughter but he makes her feel awful. sob stories of how terrible his life is,

10 MANUSHI how much he loves me, how guilty I am and beloved. Being a husband and wife brain-washed about my “character”, of not trying to understand him, how is a degeneration of that relationship. and has built up a resistance to me. he has to drink because of me. That is how he sees it. She thinks I am guilty. I do get He is overwhelmed with self pity. Now that you have left, how does depressed by her hostility but I think He says : “I am the man who made society see you since you no longer some day she will respect my decisions movies about saving marriages and my have the status of being his wife but and will understand me. own marriage is in bad shape.” He sees are a person in your own right? Does the thought of the scandal in it as the greatest irony that has hit him, Freeing myself from this oppressive the film industry bother you? little realising that he is responsible for relationship is like getting out of years What is there to be scandalised it. of captivity. I know I run the risk of about ? This man has been beating me Well, in his films he does seem to be further alienation but nothing can be up and everybody knew about it. What preoccupied with domestic crises but worse than what my marriage had could be worse than that ? So if people the marriages usually are saved by the become. now say that the marriage has not been woman bending softly and responding I don’t have much to do with society. working— yes, it is a fact. to the husband’s expectatations, aren’t But most people are openly suspicious they?1n ‘Avishkar’ for instance, the and incredulous when they see a And yet, it will be very painful to problem ts resolved in a morning scene woman who wants to leave a marriage see all this in print. I don’t know what but I get the feeling that the crisis could without a career or a man to fall back my reaction is going to be. I have in explode all over again at night. The on. A famous actress, known to our my own way tried to bring out all these resolution does not seem real to me. It family, counselled me: “Why must you things indirectly through my writing. I seems like a repetitive cliche. Is that divorce him ? You don’t have a man or a would much rather all this came out in the pattern your life followed! career waiting for you.” Basu has been a more creative manner. Yes, Avishkar is the most trying to blackmail me with the help of What are your plans for the future? auto-biographical of his films. It was the letters he stole from my desk. If he How do you see your life five years shot in our house. My saris were used. continues to malign me in this fashion I from now? Some of the scenes were straight out of may have to sue him for defamation. Basically, I am a great optimist. That our life, out of our courtship period, for I have not met anyone who has is the reason I have survived. My instance, the way the girl is caught, the made any vulgar signal to me. But future is geared to that of my children. confrontation between her husband and recently a young boy, my husband’s I would like to build a life away from all her father. The scene of the physical colleague, rang me up and suggested this. I aspire to write, to do some assault on the wife is also similar to that I spend a weekend with him. I was creative work, maybe make a film. Next confrontations between us. The way the shocked. How could he have the cheek? year, I’ll be making a film on my father’s wife holds on to her ego. She doesn’t If it wasn’t on the phone I might have life. I am looking forward to directing a let him walk over her in triumph even hit him. This is so typical—the lack of feature film. I don’t know if I am capable when she is beaten. Though of course courage in men, their eagerness to strike of it but I think I will give it a try. he does not show the full round that when a woman is most vulnerable. Even One would think that since you such assaults took in real life. All his in the worst marriage a woman has a have seen so much of batterings you films end in a very simplistic way, with a certain status just by virtue of being would want to stay far from the happy resolution. married. Anubhav was not autobiographical But I think I can tackle such thought of them. How come you are but was a didactic extension of Basu’s situations. I travel alone at any time of working at the Women’s Centre where theories about how marriages can be night. I have never feared that a man you come in contact with women saved. Parts of Grihpravesh were also might take me for a ride. suffering similar tortures? shot in our house and I had to do the I am ready to face life on my own. It is part of my nature to extend help decor. What Basu was trying to say Only, I want my children’s support and wherever I can. And I think without there was that the wife can also be the their understanding. I don’t tell the seeming to be magnanimous, and I beloved. This was his pet theory. gruesome details of my marital don’t want to be any kind of What exactly does being a beloved relationship to my kids. I could confide fashionable social worker, I really want mean in real life? only to a therapist. So, seeing me to try and build a support system for I think he means that the wife mocked at every step and abused, women. Despite everything I went remains sensuously attractive and physically and emotionally, the kids are through, I am so privileged. So, apart capable of seducing the husband even confused and have serious doubts from building a life for myself and my years after marriage. The husband and about me. My son thinks I am abetting family, if I can put my life to some use I wife should treat each other as lover in crime. My older girl too has been think I will find it meaningful to live.ˆ

NUMBER TWENTY THREE, 1984 11