TO HEALING PATHWAYS Fall 2020 A newsletter to aid in bereavement Created by: Hospice of Central New York & Hospice of the Finger Lakes

Grieving in a Pandemic By: Michelle Gladu, LMSW – Bereavement Counselor

Over the last several months since the coronavirus/COVID-19 pandemic began, hospice bereavement staff have been talking with many of you about how the pandemic has changed your lives – and your grief. Mourning the loss of a loved one amidst the changes this health crisis has created presents many challenges to say the least. Your experiences with caregiving and grief have been impacted whether or not you have dealt with COVID-19 directly.

Being separated from a loved one at a hospital or nursing home has been a painful reality for many, with the only alternative to bring the loved one home and face limited caregiving supports. Delays or cancelations of treatments created so much anxiety and many ‘what if?’ questions. Limited or delayed funerals and memorials have left many more feeling alone in their grief. Many caregivers have told me that caregiving already felt like a quarantine of sorts - limited opportunities to leave the house, relying on others to do errands, etc. When the new coronavirus upended everyone’s life some caregivers felt they were more prepared for it than most. But others have found a cruel irony in it. Those further along in their grief experience and at a point of taking first steps in moving forward with their lives – selling or cleaning out a house, going back to work, volunteering perhaps or dating – have been stymied by social distancing requirements and closures of businesses. The loss of routine in life has affected many people’s grief. Working from home, children home from school, etc. has made life feel even more unfamiliar than it already did because of their loss. Others have shared with us they feel they have “too much time to grieve,” and with fewer distractions or opportunities for self-care available they are confronting feelings they had avoided previously. This experience has also made many more aware of how other family members are coping with the loss (or not coping).

Continued... Grieving in a Pandemic...continued

As writer Meghan O’Rourke noted in a recent magazine article, “To mourn in a moment of collective grief is to experience not one but multiple layers of loss.” In addition to the loss of a loved one, many who are grieving this year are facing the additional losses of jobs/income, a way of life and multiple changes in their communities. “Mourning our bygone lives” as one news article phrased it. A national or global crisis can sometimes “disenfranchise” someone’s private grief. We recently marked the passing of another year since 9/11, and I remember working with hospice patients and families at that time who were struggling to cope with their own personal crisis of loss when so many others were focused on loss and anguish on a national level. At least at that time there was more of a common sense of community and purpose. The pandemic has heightened a sense of isolation for many. O’Rourke also noted “What feels out of step right now is not my grief but my distance from the community that shares it.”

However, some positives have and will yet come from this experience. In some cases the slowed pace of life has allowed families to spend more time together. Families have found new ways to honor and remember loved ones and support one another in grief. Technology, while at times a poor substitute for in-person interaction, has been a means for people to create different opportunities to be present with each other and find meaning and comfort. Taking part in a funeral or a family dinner online has obvious drawbacks, but can allow some to take part who otherwise could not have. Many of these new activities and rituals will last beyond the pandemic. Certainly this year is serving as an important reminder not to take our loved ones and our time with them for granted.

Throughout the pandemic Hospice of Central New York and of the Finger Lakes bereavement staff have been available by phone to offer support, and we will continue to offer telephone counseling as well as virtual counseling. We are also planning a schedule of virtual events for this fall. Please check our website for information on support groups, our fall Service of Remembrance and a program on grief and the holidays. If you would like to talk with us individually now please call (315) 634-2208.

Upcoming Virtual Grief Support Groups: Death of An Adult Child: Facilitator: Joyce Nevola, LMSW October 19th-November 23rd 6 Sessions-Mondays: 2:00 pm- 3:15 pm

Spousal/Significant Other Loss Group: Facilitator: Elyssa Saltzman, LMSW October 13th-November 24th **Note: 1 Thursday (10/29 instead of Tuesday 10/27) 7 Sessions-Tuesdays: 1:30 pm-3:00 pm

Loss of Parent: Facilitator: Michelle Gladu, LMSW October 14th-November 18th 6 Sessions-Wednesdays: 6 pm-7:15 pm

Please call (315) 634-2208 to register for groups Alone and “Out of Touch” By Joyce Nevola, LMSW – Bereavement Counselor

Not everyone is a hugger. Some people like the physical distancing restrictions of the pandemic because they don’t like hugging, shaking hands, or a pat on the back when they can’t refuse it without hurting someone’s feelings. For those who want and need that contact, however, touch starvation can be devastating. Those who live alone, have no family left, or have children and grandchildren living at a distance, may not have had any physical contact for 7 months. If you are hugger or know someone who is, there is hope!

Human beings are social creatures and according to experts, touch is important for our physical and mental health. We can also feel a sense of connection by facial expressions and eye contact. Touch is the first sense to develop in the womb. When we perceive an external threat, the body responds to stress by turning to relationships and how we bond to others. If that engagement is not available, we turn to a “flight or fight” response which can cause muscle tension and increased heart rate. Emotionally, we can feel anxiety, anger, have difficulty sleeping, and experience panic. Touch is also an immune system booster.

Some suggestions for “out of touch” huggers:

• Learn to touch others emotionally by waving to neighbors and asking how they are doing. • Try meditation and yoga at home. Many videos are available. • Adopt a pet. Interest in pet fostering and adoption have been on the rise. • Contact people on the phone, through facetime, or other social media platforms. • Try using a weighted blanket or buy a 5 pound bag of rice. • Just walk around the room to stimulate pressure receptors in your feet. • Use self-touch. Put your hand on your heart and breathe deeply. • Call the Grief Center. We cannot see you in person right now, but we can touch your heart and let you know that you are not alone. Add some Color to your Life! By: Matthew P. Binkewicz, MA, FT

By now, we have heard experts discuss how the COVID-19 pandemic has complicated our bereavement process. We face numerous obstacles in our journey through grief from visiting loved ones in the hospital or nursing facilities to the funeral or graveside service. We encounter restrictions in the way we mourn with loved ones. We yearn for the days before the pandemic when we could embrace one another, cry on someone’s shoulder, or simply hold a hand in silence. The rites and rituals which once offered comfort seem a distant memory, curtailed or even eliminated as society tries to protect us from this virus. So how do we address our grief during this time of uncertainty?

The answer may lie in some common-sense approaches. With social distancing, wearing face masks, and routine handwashing, we can achieve some semblance of normalcy in our daily lives. If we follow the recommended federal and state guidelines, a walk in the park or along a nature trail allows us to experience the beauty of nature. We can invite friends and others who are mourning to join in the walk and see the fall colors slowly emerging and the birds singing their anthems and ballads.

Nature invites us to embrace the moment and add beauty to our lives. The great Russian writer, Dostoyevsky, introduces a wonderful ideal in one of his works, “Beauty will save the world.” Beauty evokes affection and, at times, even empathy. Anything that is beautiful is cherished for the very reason that it is temporary, a fleeting moment in time. We find beauty in nature, and more importantly, we see that beauty reflected in the lives of those we loved and have lost. Beauty remains a constant memory in our hearts and minds. The colors of fall evoke that beauty igniting a spark in our soul. The spark kindles the spirit and brings warmth to a world that can be cold and cruel.

We cherish the memories and honor the person who has died when we recall their role in our lives. Who of us can imagine a world without beauty? There would be nothing but ugliness and despair. The beauty we discover in a painting, a song, a book, and, most importantly of all, in another human being, compels us to think beyond ourselves. An encounter with beauty provides an oasis in our busy lives, giving us pause to experience the moment-to cherish what we have, and realize that not even death can separate us from those we love.

Each of us must do our part to be safe and follow the health guideless that protect us from the virus. However, this does not mean we must live in a bubble, isolated, and in constant fear. We can venture out into nature, feel the beauty and add some color into our life. HEALING HEARTS…..Kids and Teens Corner

Finding Ways to Cope with Grief During COVID-19 By: Elyssa Saltzman, LMSW Camp Healing Hearts Director and Bereavement Counselor

COVID-19 has forced us to overcome some difficult challenges. We learned how to change our day-to day habits and schedules to keep us safe. Many learned a new way to “go to” school while others learned how to work at home instead of being at school or in an office. We figured out how to be “social” while being distant. This has been a very hard and emotional year for all of us. For some of us, we have also done this all while grieving the loss of a special person.

With the new school year starting, we are facing continued and new challenges in order to keep us safe during COVID-19. While every school district is completing school in their own way, all are still utilizing social distancing measures. The Dougy Center and other organizations use the term physical distancing rather than social distancing as it recognizes that it’s important to stay connected while being physically apart. While technology can never replace the impact of being able to be close to others, it has ways of helping us stay connected when we cannot physically be together. Nothing can ever replace the value of sharing tears, hugs, and talking in person but in order for us to be safe we have had to rethink how we do things which includes our coping. Engaging in family self-care is one way to help cope while being physically distant. Think: body, brain, heart.

Body: Move your body each day, even if you’re staying at home. Stretching, jumping jacks, chair exercises, dancing, and push-up challenges are just some ideas of what you can do at home. Going outside to walk, running/ jog, play, or enjoy a sport are ok if able to maintain distance and have permission from a parent/guardian. Be sure to drink water, eat nourishing food, and get enough sleep as these all help us feel and function better physically which can help as we struggle with how we feel emotionally while grieving.

Brain: Consider limiting how much media (internet, tv, computer, radio, etc.) you are using and try to engage in activities that can help you relax such as taking few deep breaths, meditation, and grounding exercises like this: Take a moment to notice your surroundings and find 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

Heart: Allow yourself to feel and think whatever emotions and thoughts come up for you. Share them with someone you trust to help you process them and find ways to help deal with them. Be patient and remind yourself, “I’m doing the best I can in this moment.”

Working as a family to set a schedule and small goals for each day can also be a form of coping. Routine and consistency can help establish a sense of control in a situation that feels very out of control which is how many describe this time during COVID-19. Examples of mini goals might include: organizing a room/drawer/closet, reaching out to one friend or family member a day, doing an art project, writing in a journal, or taking a daily walk.

Be sure to take time for your grief & remembering the person who died. You might worry there’s no time or space for your grief. Consider setting aside time to talk either as a family or one on one with someone you trust about what’s coming up for you in your grief. If visiting a cemetery or other location is part of you/your family’s grief routine and you’re not able to go because of physical distancing requirements, consider creating a space in your home with photos and special items where you and your family can connect with the person who died.

It’s okay to still have fun and take breaks from grief and concerns about COVID-19. As a family, you can create a list of ways to have fun, including solo and group activities. Examples include board games, puzzles, watching silly movies and videos, scavenger hunts, dance parties, making playlists, or having a talent show. If you have access to technology, consider inviting friends and family to participate remotely in the talent show.

Adapted from: https://www.dougy.org/docs/Grief_during_COVID-19.pdf Hospice of Central New York & Hospice of the Finger Lakes 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY 13088

Hospice complies with applicable Federal civil rights laws and does The Hospice not discriminate on the basis of race, Grief Center color, national origin, age, disability, or sex.

Hospice cumple con las leyes federa- Hospice provides support for les de derechos civiles aplicables y no Hospice families for 13 months discrimina por motivos de raza, color, following the death of their loved nacionalidad, edad, discapacidad o one. There is no charge for our sexo. services. ATENCIÓN: si habla español, tiene a su disposición servicios gratuitos de asistencia lingüística. Llame al 1-315-634-1100. Donations are appreciated for community members Hospice requesting individual counseling. 遵守適用的聯邦民權法律規 定，不 因 種 族、膚 色、民 族 血 統、年 齡、殘 障 或性別而歧視任何人。

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