k rystal 66 Mouse Club: School for Friends – A Disney Affiliated School – 66 Krystal Rd, West Medford, MA 02156 Flattening The Globe Heads By: Brett Thomas & Connor Bond & George Reasons why the Earth is not Round For this reason a plane couldn’t fly directly over Bidgood the South Pole. So naturally commercial airlines, All “pictures” are fake and created by the in order to save money, would fly directly over the Co-Editor-in-Chief, Sports Editor, Staff Writer government. Have you ever seen a movie that has a South Pole to save money if the earth was a sphere. picture of the Earth. Hollywood uses the same CGI However, they do not and cannot fly over the South After intense debate sparked by the great mind and special effects as NASA does. Kyrie Irving, the world has discussed whether or not Pole according to the flat earth model. Guess which the world is round or flat. So we three scholars tackle When confronted about the flat nature of our one correctly predicts commercial airline routes. The the question with the help of Dr. Adair. world, globe heads often respond with violence flat earth model: no commercial planes fly over the as they feel a flat earth threatens their intelligence. South Pole. Look it up. Reasons why the Earth is Flat Malden Catholic faculty member Doctor Aaron Globe head often cite the force of gravity as the Our shoes are flat, instead of being round. If the Adair illustrated this reaction when asked his reason the earth is a sphere. They believe that gravity Earth was round, then our feet would be shaped like opinion on the flat earth truth saying : “Flat earthers would cause any other shape of planet to collapse a semi-circle to grip the ground better. Our feet are into a sphere. However, the THEORY of gravity is flat because the Earth is flat. fundamentally flawed. Even the brightest physicists When was the last time you used a globe to get to like Albert Einstein or Bill Nye the Science Guy a place? That’s right, never. You use a map. Guess have failed to present a unified theory of forces that what? A map is flat. Case closed. explains gravity. In fact the particle said to explain gravity, the Higgs Boson, has been called the God Kyrie Irving’s ability to manipulate the basketball particle, as physicists have been unable to understand and drain shots from long range demonstrate his how it works, much like how God is known to work mastery of the concepts of angular momentum and in mysterious ways. So when ardent sphere suckers the centripetal force. Not only that, his ability to say gravity means the earth has to be a sphere, know dunk the ball shows his capability of defying gravity, they have absolutely no scientific certainty about meaning he knows so much about the force, even its gravity. weaknesses, that he can easily overcome it. Add in the fact that he went to Duke University, an extremely Not all our stem faculty maintain the globe earth prestigious school, and Kyrie Irving is obviously the lie. Esteemed teacher and physics god. Mr. Milliern true expert when it comes to the shape of the Earth. said about a flat earth : “Of course, I support the Flat Considering his immense physics knowledge, if he Earth Theory. Those few of us, who have stepped out says it’s flat, it’s flat. of the cave of Plato’s Republic, know that the Earth Photo Courtsey theflatearthsociety.org exists in the complex plane, and is really flat, like In the theoretical globe model, gravity draws a stereographic projection onto the complex plane, things toward the center of the earth. Therefore, if should be flattened.” While this offhand comment and if you looked really, really hard, you’d find the world were round, anything on the bottom of may seem funny to some, this type of divisive that exactly one point is missing from the supposed the globe would be pulled upwards. That would be rhetoric only prevents a meaningful dialogue on the 2-sphere. Therefore, it looks like a 2-sphere, but it the only plausible explanation for why things do not topic. Moreover, Doctor Adair failed to produce any can’t be a 2-sphere, and is actually flat.” simply fall off the alleged bottom of the earth. evidence to support his belief, instead relying solely on character attacks in order to defend himself. Why does the government continue the sphere According to the Star of Bethlehem: A Skeptical earth lie? View, written by Aaron Adair. The star of David’s In a spherical earth model, the South Pole is a movements can somehow be construed to bring continent at the bottom of the planet. Now planes The Antarctic treaty, signed by the leading nations about doubt to the teachings Christianity. The routinely fly over the North Pole to get from place of the world, is the center of the conspiracy. movements were misinterpreted, however, and the to place as often it is the most efficient way to get The treaty governs the most sensitive area of book is flawed. The movements described do mean somewhere. Commercial airlines are constantly perpetuating the globe earth narrative. something, though. In fact, the movements described sending planes across the arctic. This fits with the in the book actually would enable one to ascertain flat earth model as the North Pole is the center of the As a result, the treaty prevents private citizens the earth is actually flat. world. According to the flat earth model, Antarctica from examining the parts of the South Pole that is a wall of ice holding in the water in the ocean. would expose the globe earth lie. Onion Headlines: -Jimmy P Bionic Knees found in the court yard. Cont. Page 13 DISCLAIMER: -Motorweek: Larry finally breaks down. Cont. Page 55 The Krystal 66 is by no means factual -Pencils - A Sharp Debate. Cont. Page 2 or a representation of the truth. It is meant -LASAGNA. Cont. Page 5 to be satirical, whimsical, and outright -Robert Gregory Guest Conducts BSO. Cont. Page 122 funny. Please take no offense as we are -Mrs. Driscoll Canonized. Cont. Page 46 going for a laugh. -Stem club competes against North Korea. Cont. Page 16 -Pool Noodles = Budget Cuts. Cont. Page 8 News 2 April 2018 N e w s Pencils: A Sharp Debate By: Ryan Donnelly pointed argument. Ms. Jeanne Lynch- they don’t need to be sharpened, carbon Opinions Editor Galvin has offered her support of in pencils rubs off, pencils smudge, Krystal 66 pencils, saying, “I am in full support of and they have the acute ability to The recent movement to ban pencils. How else will students erase all write neatly.” Taking both views into Student Newspaper pencils from schools has been gaining their mistakes?” In response to the fine account, it is clear that pens are better Mickey School momentum. The debate started point that Ms. Lynch-Galvin made, Ms. than pencils for the simple reason 66 Krystal Road following a most unfortunate accident. Angela Lee said, “the saying is ‘the pen that pens cannot become razor-sharp West Medford, Massachusetts 02156 Regardless, the penetrating power of is mightier than the sword.’ It doesn’t enough to impale someone. (199) 261-9115 pencils has gone from a dull topic to a say the pencil. Pens are better because:

Editors-in-Chief Brett Thomas Who Needs to Apply? Vincent Swierk By: Ryan Donnelly

Managing Editor Opinions Editor Patrick donnelly

Editors This has been a truly remarkable Ryan Donnelly year of college acceptances. The Benjamin Mawn most notable among them being Mike Bono Ryan Hanna’s acceptance to James Mawn the Massachusetts Institute of Donovan Lafontaine Technology. Now, this in and of Zack Robinson itself was impressive. However, it Connor Bond was absolutely incredible when it Carson tully became known that Ryan did not Kyle Borick even apply. When asked about his acceptance, Ryan had this to say: Staff/Contributing Writers Alex Mitsopoulos “I am flattered by my acceptance Steve Valente to MIT. I was so surprised that the Jarrod Wardwell admissions officers at MIT took Benjamin Dover time out of their day to mail me Justin Time an acceptance letter with a full Justin Case scholarship. In fact, I hadn’t even Amanda H. Ugnkis bothered to send an application, Daniel Gleesac but they were happy to overlook Sigmund Freud this and enroll me in the Class Karl Marx of 2022. Unfortunately, I had to Friedrich Nietzche decline given the abruptness of the Vladmir Putin Alan Turing decision. I will be attending the People’s University of Moscow in Photo/Art Contributors the fall to help advance their nuclear Ryan Donnelly program.” When we reached out to Vincent van Gogh the People’s University of Moscow Erick Harkness for a comment, we were told that Paul Cezanne there was an email sent regarding Pablo Picasso the matter. No such email has been El Greco found . . . Photo Courtesy of Ryan Donnelly Frieda Kahlo Bob Ross Norman Rockwell Leonardo Da Vinci Michelangelo

Faculty Advisers Ms. Christine Cleart Mr. Brian Robbins These opinions do not rep- resent the views of Malden Catholic as an institution Reporting on current events and publishing student opinion, we at the Crystal 99 hope to inform, challenge, and entertain our readers, and allow students an outlet to communicate with their peers.

TheCrystal 99 is published by School

Publications Company. Answers on the back of page 12 page of back the on Answers April 2018 K ry s ta l 66 News 3 Top Recruit Señora Crotty Shocks the Nation: Commits to Wegmans By: Patrick Donnelly Managing Editor their program. However, in a shocking turn of events, Wegmans (Burlington Campus) Each year, National Signing Day brings great seemed to swoop in with a last-minute deal- excitement for the future of supermarkets sweetener that apparently was enough to get and wholesale clubs as the nation’s top Señora to sign her letter of commitment to high school stars are recruited to bring become an employee at Wegmans following their talents to some of the top programs the completion of this season. Surrounded in the across the nation, like Market by family, friends, and colleagues, Señora Basket, Wegmans, Shaw’s, Costco, and finally put pen to paper outside of Room more. Maria Crotty (Malden Catholic), an 110 this morning while her current and extremely productive talent among eligible former students watched the national Spanish teachers, forged yet another strong simulcast coverage on ESPN. When asked campaign this past year, and earned herself about her tough decision and how she was the privilege of being named the nation’s able to firmly decide between Wegmans top five-star recruit. All signs pointed and Costco, Señora Crotty said, “I hear towards Señora choosing Costco of Danvers it is the happiest place on earth to work.” as they seemed to put forth the best package Ph0to Courtesy of Patrick Donnelly to try to get the top-performer to commit to Gone But Not Forgotten

By: Ryan Donnelly Mr. Peter Ghiloni Opinions Editors Rather than sign a gag order, Mr. Ghiloni took a vow of silence and went back to the monastery, where he works as a Mr. Alan Kaufman Beethoven scholar. His last public appearance was at Lambeau Mr. Kaufman’s extensive and prodigious teaching career at Field when he sang the National Anthem. MC came to an untimely end two years ago when he decided to Ms. Heather Murphy pursue a record label. After discovering her God-given talent for curling, Ms. Murphy Dr. David Chuckran moved into a house in Ipswich with Jack (her dog) and is currently Doc Chuck ended his career of harassing students with his the head coach of the Rockport High School Curling Team. fuzzy pink ball and QT, and he went to edumacate students at his Ms. Li Li lab in Bridgewater State University. Ms. Li Li’s teaching career was cut short prematurely when Mr. Dennis Gleason she was deported to Austin Prep. Mr. Gleason’s tenure at MC came to a close when he Mr. Edward Tyrell accidentally leaked classified military intel to his students and asw Mr. Tyrell served MC wonderfully as headmaster, but he “reassigned to Antarctica.” had to make a 10:30 am tee time and left. Ms. Judith Imondi Mr. Robert Gregory The wonderful days of booping came to a rather sad end Much like his friend, Dr. Henry Jekyll, Mr. Gregory last year as Ms. Imondi took her Louisville Slugger and went back transformed and has been seen with increasingly less frequency. to the ranch. She was in and out like a carwash during her 30+ Mr. Craig Schneider years here. The former newspaper adviser took his horrendous sense Mr. James Pokorny of style and went to teach at Belmont Hill. The bionic man met an untimely end when his knee Brother Timothy Hoey implants malfunctioned, launching him to a barren and desolate Br. Hoey was detained in China after trying to return from land: Las Vegas. his most recent trip. He has not been heard from in quite some Mrs. Kathleen Pokorny time. Mrs. Pokorny left MC to go search for her husband. Mr. Peter Francini Mr. Angelo Bosco Mr. Francini took the skills he learned from Habitat for Profe gave his last spiel at MC last year after having once Humanity to become the world's best Minecraft player. He now more proclaimed himself a word nerd. He then went on an resides in Connecticut, where he built his own house out of anthropological expedition to observe the heathens in a godless glowstone and glass. location. He subsequently died of a paper cut. News 4 K ry s ta l 66 April 2018 Mr. Milliern: Grandmaster of Physics

By: “Ryan Donnelly” while walking the Earth [unemployed] and a strategy would work. However, the author Opinions Editor becoming a Kung Fu master [probably not true], admits to earning high marks in physics, all while but that’s another story.” When Mr. Milliern not understanding anything, simply nodding The story of Mr. Milliern’s arrival at MC should was asked about how someone could act their along in agreement with my esteemed physics be a storied one, but is little-known and quite way through teaching physics, he was quick mentors, and probably getting A’s for it. “It’s just surprising. “Brother approached me while I was to respond: “I thought physics was gym class, this easy,” Mr. Milliern postured. In much more dumpster-diving at the Asian Supermarket. I at first, because that’s where physical things confused and verbose verbiage, he essentially always knew I had a sibling separated from me happen. I found out otherwise, after Mr. Bavaro claims that someone needs to pick a word, like at birth,” Mr. Milliern said. Naturally, the very told me that physics is about sparks, while gym “family,” truncate it down to the letters, like confused man was mistaken. “Mouth full of days class was about sparking it up. He understood “fam,” and then you say each variable represents old seafood, I told him that I am a physician of my confusion. Then, through astute observation, something in the world, and then claim it is an the mind, and a metaphysicist.” According to detective work, and the help of Wikipedia, I found equation. He looked up physics words to match the confused man, Brother exclaimed, ‘Ah, I need that it was a lot of math, letters, and mumbo the letters, like “force” for “f,” “acceleration” for a physics teacher! Want to teach at MC?’ The jumbo. I made the clutch judgment that probably “a,” and “mass” for “m.” Mr. Milliern, confused confused Mr. Milliern told me that he didn’t nobody understands this stuff, so going into the but excited, says, “You scramble up the letters of really know what physics was, but having been classroom with some prefabricated math rules the equation (f=ma), say some dude like Einstein a Broadway performer, he thought he might be and equations I made up, I figured the attitude of came up with it, and nobody realizes they’ve been able to handle it. “I did stand-up on Broadway confidence and authoritative knowledge would hoodwinked.” [on the street corner in Missouri] for a few years, carry me to retirement.” It is perplexing that such Krystal 66 Questionnaire

By: Krystal 66 Staff Is the bottom of the pizza the crust? Pat: yes Is a hot dog a sandwich? Vin: no Patrick Donnelly: yes Alex: yes Vincent Swierk: yes Mike: no Alex Mitsopoulos: no Brett: no Mike Bono: yes Brett Thomas: yes Waltham: “Walth-ham” or “Walth-um”? Zeus to Play Jupiter Mr. Murray: “No, a hot dog is not a Pat: “Walth-ham” sangwich. However, if it is in a bun, Vin: “Walth-ham” then a hot dog is a sangwich, but if Alex: “Walth-ham” By: Ryan Donnelly beloved violin and join a chamber it is a hot dog by itself, it is just a Mike:”Walth-ham” Opinions Editor orchestra. He will make his debut at piece of meat, not a sangwich.” Brett: “Walth-ham” After years of lecturing students Carnegie Hall playing first violin for about the Oxidative Theory of Jupiter: Bringer of Jollity from Holst’s Is water wet? Is a tennis ball yellow or green? Photophosphorylation, Mr. Pelosi The Planets. Pat: yes Pat: green has finally decided to take his Vin: no Vin: green Alex: no Alex: green Mike: no Mike: green Brett: yes Brett: yellow

Remote or Clicker? Vanilla: “Va-nella” or “Va-nilla”? Pat: remote Pat: “va-nilla” Vin: remote Vin: “va-nella” Alex: clicker Alex: “va-nilla” Mike: clicker Mike: “va-nella” Brett: remote Brett: “va-nella”

Syrup: “Seerup” or “Surup”? Nutella: “New-tella or Nuh-tella?” Pat: “seerup” Pat: “new-tella” Vin: “surup” Vin: “new-tella” Alex: “seerup” Alex: “nuh-tella” Mike: “surup” Mike: “new-tella” Brett: “seerup” Brett: “new-tella”

Swampscott: “Swamp-skit” or “Swamp-scott”? Caramel: “Cara-mel” or “Car-mel”? Pat: “Swamp-scott” Pat: “Cara-mel,” unless it’s a “car- Vin: “Swamp-scott” mel” apple. Alex: “Swamp-scott” Vin: “Car-mel” Mike: “Swamp-scott” Alex: “Cara-mel” Brett: “Swamp-scott” Mike: “Car-mel” Brett: “Cara-mel” Photo Courtesy of Brian Robbins April 2018 K ry s ta l 66 Arts 5 Lasagna

By: Lasagna Lasagna-lasagna

L a s a g n a.

Lasanga Photo by: Lasagna

Malden Catholic Presents: Cats Donovan in a Peanut CostumeBy: Zack Robinson wins hearts of many Arts Editor The Drama Club’s next performance is its own I had the once in a lifetime chance to sit down rendition of Cats by Andrew Lloyd Webber and T. S. By: Donovan Lafontaine the the peanut himself to talk about the play Eliot. This summer, the members of the club will be Arts Editor recently. When asked about his inspiration, he said getting their meow on as they dig their paws deep “AAAAHHHHHHHH”. In fact, he answered all the into this legendary piece of music and dance. Under One peanut. One voice. 7 continents, 194 countries. questions the same exact way. He has such a way the direction of Brother Ron Santoro, the club will be One final show. The broadway hit, Donovan in a with words. The peanut will be gracing the MC Peanut Costume, has captured the hearts of millions in community soon, so grab your tickets while they’re working hard to put on the best performance of the theatres across the world. What exactly is the show? still available! And remember, the first two rows getyear. Brother Ron commented on how the production Well, you see, it’s quite simple. Donovan Lafontaine, wet, so bring a poncho, as they will not be provided. will go by saying: “Imagine Location 3, The Doctor In the greatest peanut to ever grace this earth, will Tickets cost one arm and one leg. Spite Of Himself, and Rashomon, take away everything stand on stage, in a peanut costume, and scream for and replace it with Cats. Boom! Masterpiece!” For 40 minutes. What does it mean? You tell me. The final the musical, the club has decided to do the entirety performance of the show will take place on May 19th in the Doherty Gymnasium. This will be the opening of the piece in dog costumes, a creative decision that act to the graduation of the class of 2018. Mr. Doherty might change how you look at the musical forever. is quoted as saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking In addition, the Drama Club is planning to get their about. What’s this about a peanut costume?” Patrick performance on Broadway, as well as a cinematic Brown, local peanut enthusiast, ran away screaming release on the big screen in late August of next year. at the mention of the Broadway wonder. Casting is still ongoing, and the club is still searching The experience of the show is greater than meeting Jesus Christ himself. Just imagine Jesus in for more members on the crew. Best of luck! a peanut costume; it’s basically the same thing. I got a chance to catch the show in Antarctica. While I no longer am the owner of all my toes, the performance was absolutely moving. I would give up my entire leg to see the show again. The show consisted of a moving drama, an enthralling story, a beautiful love triangle, and the most beautifully sung rendition of “Take on Me” I’ve heard in decades. “I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!”, says Brother Ron Santoro CFX. The performance was predicted by the Donovan, promoting his play. prophet Zachary Robinson in 2015, when he saw a Photo By: Donovan Lafontaine vision of a crying baby, several copies of Battletoads Zachary Robinson getting into character for the NES, and a peanut on a throne. Photo By: Donovan Lafontaine Arts 6 K ry s ta l 66 April 2018 The Emoji Movie: An Emojional Masterpiece escape Textapolis. I don’t want to spoil her own spin-off film. High-Five is the in the future and how sad reality By: Zack Robinson any more of the story, because people comical and loving hand emoji voiced really is. In addition, it touches on Arts Editor should be able to experience this movie by the very funny James Corden; he women’s rights, which is bold step in for themselves in order to capture the creates an awesome contrast with the animated movie industry. My only Firstly, I’d like to address the haters full enlightening movie experience. Gene, which forms a very interesting real problem with the movie is that of this film. Many claim that this I will say that the story of The Emoji relationship between the two. The is was too short, making me long for movie is a lazy, uninteresting copy of Movie is a tearjerker, so I suggest you hundreds of supporting characters more once the movie had ended. Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph with emojis. have a box of tissues next to you. are all very diverse, interesting, and The Emoji Movie is an example of a But I would reply with this, did you The characters stand as some of the fleshed out, all filled with stories to piece of art with a message that will even watch the film? Or are you just best characters ever depicted in film to tell just from their unique appearances stand the course of time, and I hope not capable of comprehending such a date. Gene, voiced by TJ Miller, is an alone. other movies take note from this marvelous and complex piece of art? excellent protagonist; his performance Now, the comedy is where the movie masterpiece. Therefore, I am giving The Emoji Movie covers several depths is very moving, heartbreaking, really shines. The jokes are all clever, The Emoji Movie my very first fire emoji of storytelling and thematic subjects and quite comedic, which kept me perfectly executed, and of course very out of 10! that challenge the viewer, but casual interested throughout the entire film. funny. I found myself pausing the Artwork by: Donovan Lafontaine moviegoers would rather experience a The complexity of his character is movie constantly in order to recover simplistic and formulated blockbuster absolutely astounding, especially from a hysterical laughing fit. For that takes little to no brain power to when he shifts into different emojis, example, High-Five pushes a red interpret or enjoy. Well, almost a year clearly representing how society tends button and says, “I’m a hand, and it’s later, The Emoji Movie is still something to isolate those who are different, a big red button. I had to push it.” Of unique. Something special. but Gene rises above the opposition. course, if you do not find these jokes The Emoji Movie is a huge animated Power to the people! Jailbreak, the comicial, then obviously you have no marvel that breaks the boundaries of strong independent hacker girl emoji sense of humor, and should probably comedy, romance, and politics. From voiced by Anna Faris, is incredible and learn to understand more intellectual a technical standpoint, The Emoji Movie definitely a monumental landmark jokes. is beautiful, rivalring some of the best for representation of women in films. Finally, the film is revolutionary. animation done by Pixar and Disney. She shines as the strongest character in This is one of the only films to address Our protagonist, Gene the Meh emoji, the film, although she is introduced a the dangers of social media and how goes on an adventure of self-identity, quarter of the way through the movie. the internet brainwashes the children friendship, and love. On his adventure, Her powerful performance really of America. The metaphors and the he meets High-Five and Jailbreak, and encapsulates the true genius of the film themes presented in the movie make together, they journey to the Cloud to and its writing, and I hope she gets you think about where we are heading /10 Music Ministry’s Tribute to Cannibal Corpse By: Donovan Lafontaine Arts Editor HOROSCOPES Aries (March 21-April 19) Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The entirety of the attendees at Malden The president of a small African country will kidnap | || Catholic’s Arts Night were stunned when chorale you in your sleep. Don’t struggle. You knew this was || |_ soloist Zack Robinson let loose a death growl so inevitable... Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) low it turned the wifi back on. The ministry has Taurus (April 20-May 20) [chorus] been planning a tribute to the Deathcore legends Say some gangsta is dissin’ your fly girl. You just give I get knocked down, but I get up again Cannibal Corpse ever since new music and ‘em one of these. You are never gonna keep me down theology teacher Mr. Eric Surat entered the school. Gemini (May 21-June 20) I get knocked down, but I get up again The chorus performed songs such as “Hammer You stop in your tracks, and notice something in the You are never gonna keep me down Smashed Face”, “Pit of Zombies”, and “Exorcist”. shadows. Shia LeBouf. Run. I get knocked down, but I get up again Zack Robinson was chosen as the lead vocalist for Cancer (June 21-July 22) You are never gonna keep me down the project, with Donovan Lafontaine on guitar, You’ll feel a bit CRABBY today. Get it. BECAUSE I get knocked down, but I get up again Ryan Donnelly on the scream keyboard, and Mr. CANCER IS A CRAB! HA! You are never gonna keep me down Gregory, performing blast beats on his bongos. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The performance was a hammer smashing Ah-wee-ooh-wee-ooo, wee--ee-ee-ee-oo, we-um-um-a- I get knocked down, but I get up again hit, as the audience erupted in a moshpit by the way You are never gonna keep me down second song, consisting of mostly the elderly. The Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) I get knocked down, but I get up again project will tour all of Europe this summer and You should probably go see Donovan in a Peanut You are never gonna keep me down will be a staple on this summer’s Vans’ Warped Costume. I get knocked down, but I get up again Tour. When asked about the performance, Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You are never gonna keep me down Mr. Surat is quoted in saying, “How on earth To work at whole foods, you probably have to be a I get knocked down, but I get up again did you find my home address? Donovan?!?! vegan. I feel like if you’re not, they’ll call the vegan You are never gonna keep me down What are you doing here at 3:00 A.M. on a police on you. Yeah, that’s a real thing. Tuesday? I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!!” Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I get knocked down, but I get up again George Fisher, the lead singer of Cannibal Phil Collins didn’t have to go that hard on the Tarzan You are never gonna keep me down Corpse is quoted as saying, “BREEEEEEEEEEE soundtrack. But he did. He did that for us. I get knocked down, but I get up again OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are never gonna keep me down YEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWW!” He obviously Share this newspaper with 10 friends or the dream I get knocked down, but I get up again enjoyed the performance, which was live streamed goblin will eat your dreams. You are never gonna keep me down in 17 locations across the country. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I get knocked down, but I get up again h You are never gonna keep me down April 2018 K ry s ta l 66 Josh Doyle 7

(Sports are Athletic) April 2018 K ry s ta l 66 Sports 8 Budget Cuts Hit Hard... But Not As Hard As The Baseball Team By: Alex Mitsopoulos Staff Writer

Budget cuts have been hitting schools across the nation for years. Schools have been forced to cut programs such as art, music, and theater in order to continue funding the educational program as a whole. The administration of Malden Catho- lic thinks they have found a serviceable work around to cutting a program in its entirety. They have decided to sell all the baseball bats in the school and replace them with pool noodles. Truly, Malden Catholic has outdone itself this time with this groundbreak- ing idea, but what do the players have to say about it? When asked, senior Josh “Sports” Doyle said, “Ya, you just gotta swing mad hard. I mean I don’t have a problem with that obviously, cause, you know. But some of these guys facts gotta hit the weight room.” Scrimmages with other teams have also become a very different animal. When played at Malden Catholic, both teams use pool noodles, making for an equal playing field. MC is obviously a bit more practiced in this regard, as we are the only ones who would ever possibly think of this as a solution to budget cuts, so we typically win these matches. However, if we trav- el to another field for a scrimmage, we are almost assured a defeat, because the other has real bats, as a baseball team prob- ably should. In the end, we can always count on Malden Catholic for the quick solution to an issue, and virtually nothing else. Man Up But Out Matched Bruins Begin New Youth By: Steve Valente Staff Writer Movement; Open Daycare Before MC varsity tennis started their 2017-2018 season, By: Patrick Donnelly they wanted to get some experience by going overseas to chal- Managing Editor lenge professional tennis legends like Serena Williams, her sister Venus and men’s tennis champion Roger Federe. The team starts The Boston Bruins have incorporated a ton of talent this season, their tour by playing tennis star Serena Williams. Even with hav- most of whom are barely able to legally drink in the United States. ing all they nine members of the team on the court next week, Among the young guns are standouts like Charlie McAvoy, Ryan they will have their handful with Serena Williams. The team will Donato, David Pastrnak, Matt Grzlecyk, Danton Heinen, Anders Bjork, have to get behind senior captains Stephen Valente and Emery Brandon Carlo, and more. Not only has the youth movement allowed Zahner’s fast serves. Junior Luke Ventola will need to be a wall for the Bruins to have flexibility under the salary cap in the modern- at the net and not let anything by him. When asked about the big day NHL and allowed the club to fill key roster spots, it has proven time matchup against Williams, Ventola said, “I actually think immensely successful. Don Sweeney, Cam Neely, and the rest of the we have a good chance, we have the power, skill, and numbers to Bruins’ brass has realized the importance of cost-controlled, impactful win this matchup even if she has won twenty-three Grand Slams. youth on the roster. As a result, the Bruins have turned the Providence I don’t even need a team behind me, I would carry every mem- Bruins (the team’s AHL affiliate) into a functioning day care system, ber of this team on my back and I could take on Serena Williams allowing the organization to grow the prospect pool from within as 1v1 and win myself because I am the best Italian High School ten- soon as the prospects are eligible. The eligibility requirements are the nis player ever!” Even with these powerful players, the MC team same as those of any other daycare, being able to skate is a bonus. When is definitely outmatched considering Serena Williams has won asked about the decision, General Manager Don Sweeney said, “While twenty-three Grand Slam singles in her career in addition to the we have had a lot of success in the draft and free agency, I think this Grand Slams doubles titles she has won with her sister Venus. system may be the way of the future. We will know what we have right away as we will have known these kids since birth, and we would be able to sign them right out of daycare as undrafted free agents. It’s simple, really. Also, it gives guys like Bergy [Patrice Bergeron] the chance to drop their kids off at a daycare they trust while they’re on the ice throughout the day.” The B’s are also looking to hire a new singer for the national anthem. Mr. Gregory and Creeden are in two of the three finalists.

Photo Courtesy of Kyle Borick. Pictured to the right are the two singers warming up their vocal Photo Courtesy of Steve Valente. Pictured above are the tennis cords. coaches helping to prepare the team for the big match.