The Ohana Syndrome
A Men in Black/Lilo and Stitch crossover
I don’t own these two properties. Stitch is owned by Disney while MIB is owned by Sony Pictures, Adelaide Productions and Amblin Entertainment well at least the cartoon version of it is
It’s a beautiful day in New York, well maybe not. But a young adult Hawaiian girl named Lilo accompanied by her older sister Nani and her “dog” Stitch who is in fact an alien didn’t mind the problems as they were on vacation. Little did they know that all of them were about to have an experience that would change their lives
Lilo: Nani, I think that it was a good idea to come here.
Stitch: Yeah, bootifah!
Nani: Let’s hope you don’t get in any trouble, Lilo.
Lilo: Nani, I’m almost 20, I can take care of myself.
They then see something they’re used to: an alien.
Stitch: Cousin?
Stitch then approaches the alien and finds out the hard way that it is not one of his cousins. Then he also notices two men dressed in black suits, one of them was an older white man while the other was a younger and slightly taller black man, they were Agents J and K of the Men in Black, a top secret government agency that monitors aliens on Earth. K, once known as Kevin Brown, is one of the best MIB agents in history since the 60s and has the looks of Tommy Lee Jones. While J, formerly known as NYPD officer James Darrell Edwards III, is considered a rookie since 1997 and innocent humans often mistake him for Will Smith.
Nani: Excuse me, who are you two?
J: NYPD, Division Six.
Lilo: No you’re not, you’re the MIB.
J: How did you know that?
Stitch: Lilo? You know them?
J: Yo, your dog is whack! (To K) He makes Frank the Pug look like a REAL dog!
Lilo: Actually, it’s an alien and he’s my best friend, Agent J.
J: How do you know about this, no scratch that, how did you know about US?
Lilo: Well this may surprise you but my sister and I, we’re aliens ourselves.
Lilo and Nani took off their human suits and showed the two agents and Stitch that they were in fact aliens who resemble Stitch a little bit by having red skin and black eyes just like him. Stitch is shocked and surprised that his best friend and owner is an alien just like him
Stitch: You, alien, like Stitch?
K: Yep, they’re Honoluluans, from the planet Honolulu.
J: (Sarcastically) How original!
Lilo: Kind of ironic seeing how when we first met each other we didn’t know who we really were.
Lilo and Nani put their human suits back on
J: So THAT’S why we haven’t been to Hawaii and neuralized them!
K: Speaking of which, it’s time to do our business, Slick. (To the crowd) Ladies and gentlemen, time for a photo opp.
J hands Lilo, Stitch and Nani three pairs of Ray-Ban sunglasses
J: You might wanna put these on, because I make these look GOOD!
The crowd gathers as J and K put on their shades as do Lilo, Stitch and Nani and the two MIB agents pull out their Neuralizer, a device that erases people’s memories about aliens
K: Smile for the camera.
The neuralizer flashes
K: Let’s get going to HQ.
J: Yeah, let’s see what you’re REALLY like!
Nani: I think we just showed you.
J: I know that but I wanna know what you did back when you were on your original planet!
The five of them start going into the car which is a 1987 Ford LTD Victoria Crown
J: Can I please drive?
K: I’ve got a better question: Would you please fasten your seatbelt?
J: Oh, I’ve got it. You don’t WANT me to drive because you think I’m just a rookie! You think I’ll just push the red button at no expense and scratch the stupid car up! Is that it?
K: Alright Slick, you win.
J: You mean it?
K: Yes, just don’t scratch it.
J: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
J reaches into the driver’s seat, a place he’s only dreamed of
K: Alright Ace, do the honors.
J puts the keys into the ignition slot and starts the car as they head to MIB HQ
J: So Lilo, tell me about Stitch.
Lilo: Well, he’s experiment number 626 created by Dr Jumba Jookiba.
J: What about the other 625?
Lilo: He made them, we found them and helped them find a better place.
K: Jumba Jookiba, so called “evil genius” now reformed and lives with our three new friends. He used to work with Dr Jacques Von Hamsterviel. A criminal mastermind with a Napoleonic complex
Stitch growls when he heard the name “Hamsterviel”
J: Looks like you’ve got a grudge against Hamsterviel!
Stitch: Hamsterviel, MEEGA NALA KWEESTA!
J: Calm down. Watch the language! The dude’s locked away in the Turonian bighouse!
Nani: How did you know Stitch’s home planet?
K: We know any planet from Alpha Centauri to Arquilia.
They soon approach a tunnel filled with countless cars
Stitch: Oh Bliznak! Traffic jam!
J: No problems, y’all see that little red button over there?
Stitch: Yes?
K: Slick here is about to push it and you may wanna hold on tight!
J pushes the red button and the LTD transforms into its turbo mode and drives up the tunnel making it upside down
Stitch: YEAH! AHAHAHAHA!
K: You’re doing great so far, Sparky.
Stitch: Sparky? You naga Sparky.
J: Of course I’m not Charles Schulz!
K: That’s not what he meant, he was talking about one of the experiments that we were talking about. Experiment 221 aka Sparky.
Lilo: The very first experiment Stitch and I discovered and rehabilitated. He uses electricity.
Nani: And the Sparky that J said is the nickname for Peanuts creator Charles Schulz.
J: Good grief! This is happening too fast.
Stitch: Blood is rushing to my head!
The LTD makes it out of the tunnel and safely on the ground back to MIB HQ and to top it all off the car is in perfect condition.
K: Well Slick, you didn’t mess up, and that means…
J: I get to drive it more often?
K: Not what I had in mind but yes.
J: Alright!
L: Alright about what?
They then see Agent L, a former worker at the city morgue known as Laurel Weaver, now a member of the MIB since J was recruited. She had blonde hair, was considered to be the lab technician turned field agent and is said to look like a blonde Linda Fiorentino.
L: What makes you even happier than usual?
J: Oh nothing L; just that I WAS DRIVING THE LTD AND AS A BONUS I GET TO DRIVE IT ANYTIME I WANT!
Stitch: Gaba?
J: Oh, this is one of our many agents, K introduce her to our guests.
K: Lilo, Stitch, Nani, this is Agent L. L, say hello to Nani Lilo and Stitch.
Nani: Hello.
Lilo: Hi.
Stitch: Hi!
L: Nice to meet you. Three aliens all affiliated with Jumba Jookiba.
Stitch: You know Jumba?
L: Jumba is in a meeting with our boss Zed.
Inside Zed’s office Jumba is with Agent Zed, the chief of the MIB who looks like Rip Torn if he had white hair, no facial hair and gained a couple of pounds.
Jumba: I telling you Zed, Jumba is evil genius but is not so evil once you get to know.
Zed: Listen Jookiba, you’ve created almost 630 experimental aliens without a license!
Jumba: Yes but experiments found better place, well some of them. Even 626 has found a better place with little girl Lilo.
Zed: Well she’s an alien just like you and your experiments. You win this round Jookiba…
Jumba: Ha! Told you!
Zed: But I will warn you that you did work with a little rodent known as Hamsterviel, one of the MIB’s most wanted since the late 90s. He caused a war, forced you by gunpoint to make another experiment and called me fat! Luckily he’s locked away in the Turonian prison, but he could break out at any moment.
Jumba: Jumba makes experiments while Hamsterviel takes credit!
Zed: Let’s take a look at some of your experiments, shall we? One of them could cause a blackout bigger than the one in 2003, two are robbers, one makes sandwiches a lot, one makes more things disappear than David Copperfield, one of them even reveals the secrets of anything, even the MIB! And if that experiment falls into the wrong hands then our whole cover-up is blown!
Jumba: Zed, you sure you locked up experiment 199?
Zed: Yes we did! And of course let’s not forget about that little 626 of yours; Stitch. Originally designed as a doomsday weapon bent on destruction, he crash landed in Hawaii almost 15 years ago and met a little girl! But it soon turned out that the girl was a Honoluluan and that Stitch found his place on Earth, this is the reason why the MIB never went to Hawaii and neuralized the Pelekai family.
Stitch: Ohana.
Zed: Stitch? We were just talking about you!
Stitch: Ohana means family. Family means…
Zed: Nobody gets left behind, stick together, all for one, yadda yadda yadda.
Jumba: 626! What bring you here at MIB?
Stitch: Lilo is alien!
Jumba: What?! Little girl is alien?! Why not tell Jumba before?
Lilo: I thought that it would be awkward.
J: Long story short, your little experiments found good jobs on Earth and the strangest thing is that nobody recognized them as aliens which is why MIB rarely visits Kauai!
Jumba: So, Agent K. Has been long time since last seeing you. Who are two others?
K: This is my partner J and this is our lab technician L.
L: I’m a field agent, remember?
Stitch: Aloha Zed. This Lilo and Nani.
Zed: Well it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, looks like your sister has grown up quite a bit, Nani. Lilo, why did you and your sister leave your planet and come to Earth?
J: I was just about to ask that, Chief!
They also noticed Jumba’s closest friend, Wendy Pleakley. A Plorgnarian cross-dressing cylcoptic alien and expert on Earth.
Pleakley: They wanted a new place to stay after their home planet got a little out of touch.
Jumba: Pleakley, what you doing here?
Pleakley: I’m having my internship at MIB since I am an Earth expert, and I just happened to hear that our little human friends happen to be aliens.
J: We’re not aliens!
K: I think he’s talking about Lilo and Nani, Slick.
Pleakley: J’s not Slick, that’s experiment 020. One of the little monster’s cousins and a pretty good salesman.
K: That’s a nickname that I usually use. I also use Ace.
Pleakley: That’s 262, ironically for an “evil” experiment he’s an alien superhero.
J: Kind of like Superman.
K: Now what am I gonna call my partner?
J: How about “buddy” or “partner” or how about just “J”?
K: I’ll think about it… Rookie.
J: You just HAD to say that!
L: Ahem! What about the other experiments?
Jumba: Oh, we getting to that. Just for safety, Jumba activated 3 experiments, 221, 624 and 625, better known as Sparky, Angel and Reuben respectively.
Stitch: Cousins!
J: Your family tree must be as big as the one in Rockefeller Center!
K: That tree is a spaceship Sli- I mean J.
J: Thank you for calling me that. Anyways, where are your cousins, Stitch?
Stitch: Don’t know. Reuben was in kitchenette.
J: Reuben is another word for sandwich so he must be like Wolfgang Puck!
Zed: Kitchenette?... Oh no! Not them!
Cut to the kitchenette where Reuben is with the Worm Guys
Reuben: So how do you guys like it? A 37-layer sandwich filled with any kind of topping imaginable! One layer for each hour of the day, according to the Centaurian time anyways.
Worm 1: It could use some Sumatra.
Worm 2: Vienna Roast.
Worm 3: Java!
Worm 4: Cup of joe!
Reuben: What are you saying?
Worms: COFFEE! DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!
Zed: WORMS!
Reuben: What’s got his mayo expired?
Worm 1: That’s just Zed, he’s always mad at us.
Stitch: Cousin Reuben!
Reuben: Stitch, Lilo, Nani! Nice to see you! Nice to see you too Jumba!
Stitch: These are agents J and K of the MIB!
J: Lilo and Nani are aliens.
Reuben: When did I miss that?
Stitch: Where’s Sparky?
K: Sparky is working the lights.
Sparky is next to Stitch
Sparky: COUSIN!
Stitch: COUSIN!
J: Nice to see Ohana bonding!
K: Okay, do you know where Angel is?
Jumba: First we need to know what 624 is capable of. She originally designed to turn good experiments bad by use of song but Jumba used new trait in all experiments so they can be unaffected.
Angel (singing): Acoota Chi-Meeto Igatta No Mootah, Naga to Nala Itume Tidooka…
J: Either that’s Mariah Carey or that’s…
Stitch: ANGEL!
Angel: BOOJIBOO!
Stitch and Angel kiss each other with love in their eyes
K: Stitch and Angel must have a good relationship on their hands.
J: So “boojiboo” must be Tantalog for “sweet babboo”!
K: Isn’t L YOUR Sweet Babboo?
J: SHE IS NOT MY SWEET BABBOO! Well not that I know of.
Worms: Stitch and Angel sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Agents I, S, N and G show up
K: False alarm I, S, N and G.
They aforementioned agents leave
Worms: Anyways, want some coffee?
Stitch: No.
Worms: WHAT?!
Jumba: Coffee is not used for experiments.
Worm 1: NOW you tell me!
Worm 2: EVERYBODY’S a critic!
Worm 3: Opinions, opinions!
Worm 4: Go drink some water!
K: Can’t. Stitch could be damaged.
J: What else? Don’t expose it to bright light?! No eating after 12 in the morning?!
Everybody stares at J
J: What? You’ve never heard of the Gremlin takeover of 1990?
Lilo: Anyways, just to make sure, yes we have our cards and IDs, but most importantly we have to look out for Hamsterviel!
Alarms start beeping and the twin aliens who run the control start telling our heroes of the impending danger
Zed: Looks like we have a video intercom! Idikiukup, Bob, show us who’s responsible!
The twins upload the feed and the video shows (Bum) (Bum) (BUM) Dr Hamsterviel, who despite his name looks like a gerbil and has the personality of a spoiled brat
Hamsterviel: Hello Zed. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. And it looks like you’ve got some company that looks familiar!
Zed: Hamsterviel, you sneaky little underhanded son of a-
J: Chief, chill out!
Zed: Sorry, I’m just angry that he broke out of prison yet AGAIN!
Hamsterviel: Your puny little experiments can’t harm me Jumba, not even those MIB agents or those two human girls!
Nani: We’re aliens you gerbil-faced twerp!
Hamsterviel: I AM NOT GERBIL-LIKE, I AM HAMSTER-LIKE! Although your confession of you two being aliens does make sense seeing how MIB never wiped your memories!
Worm 2: Who’s that?
Reuben: I used to work for him, it’s a long story.
Hamsterviel: SILENCE! I have a new secret weapon that will bring back the experiment that could destroy you all, experiment 629.
Zed: You don’t mean…
Hamsterviel: Yes, I’m talking about LEROY! The evil twin of 626! I expect you to challenge me right away!
J: Not so fast, rodent! We gotta find out how you got that technology!
Hamsterviel: Okay, I’ll bide my time… But if you do not come back here within 30 minutes, you’ll change your name from MIB to DOA!
Hamsterviel then laughs evilly and then coughs a lot
Zed: J, K, L, you take our party of eight downtown to Jeebs’ and find out how Hamsterviel got this technology! I’ll let every agent here make sure HQ is safe!
K: I’ll let J take one of the LTD models while our guests take another!
Zed: WHAT?! Since when did you let a rookie drive the car?
K: This morning. He didn’t scratch it up.
Zed: Okay, if he didn’t scratch up the car then that’s okay with me.
J: Looks like everybody’s getting the picture that I’m not a rookie anymore.
Zed: But just to make sure, I’ve taken your DNA samplings to make Quick Clones to fight off Hamsterviel when the time rolls around!
J: So if I get to drive one LTD, who drives the other?
Lilo: I thought Stitch would but he’s too small so I’ll drive.
Nani: And yes, Lilo did get her driver’s license. Stitch is… improving.
L: Stitch is not bad for an alien disguised as a dog!
J: Alien disguised as a dog… Looks like we’re gonna take a pit stop and see Frank!
J, K and L make it into one LTD with J at the wheel once again while Stitch and the gang made it into another with Lilo in the driver’s seat
J: Follow us.
They then make it to the newsstand of Frank the Pug, an alien with a dog suit
Frank: J, K, L, what do you want?
K: We wanna hear you speak.
Frank: About what?
J: Not what, who. Hamsterviel.
Frank: Never heard of him.
Jumba: He worked with me until he got mad and turned really evil, that or creative differences.
Frank: Wait a minute, Jumba? Is that you?
Jumba: The one and only.
Frank: These must be the people you talk about! So you must be Lilo and you’re Nani, and that’s Pleakley. And those must be your alien experiments.
Jumba: Yes, they all found nice jobs on Earth and 626 or Stitch as he’s now called has been under the guise of dog who is cute and fluffy.
Frank: Well he must be lucky that J and K never neuralized those two girls.
Stitch: They’re aliens just like meega!
L: Anyways Frank, Hamsterviel. What do you know about him?
Frank: Jack squat! Go bother Jeebs, he knows him better!
Jumba: Jeebs? As in Jack Jeebs? I used to have him as college roommate! And he… KNEW HAMSTERVIEL?!
They then make it to Jeebs’s pawn shop where Jack Jeebs, an alien who resembles Tony Shalhoub and has the ability to grow his head back after it has been blown off works
Jumba: JEEBS!
Jeebs: Jumba? Is that you?
Stitch: We ask questions here!
Jeebs: So that must be a couple of your little experiments!
J: That’s not all you’ve got!
Jeebs: My favorite customers! And those two must be Lilo and Nani that Jumba talks about!
Nani: How did you know we were aliens?
Jeebs: You’re aliens?
Pleakley: What am I? Chopped liver?
Jeebs: Sorry Pleakley, I forgot that was you.
Pleakley: What gave it away?
Meanwhile Hamsterviel tries to break into HQ
Hamsterviel: MIB headquarters, doesn’t look so high tech until you see it from the inside! Well there’s less than 15 minutes until those fools meet their demise!
Back to Jeebs’s
L: Alright, we’re gonna use experiment 032 aka Fibber to see if you’re lying.
K: Alright, here we go. Hamsterviel, clone maker, smuggled merchandise.
Jeebs: Things that I don’t have any involvement in!
Fibber buzzes because Jeebs was lying
J: Oh, I’m so sorry! Thank you for playing the 10,000 Quatloo Geosphere! Here’s your consolation prize! A blast to the head!
Stitch uses his gun to blast Jeebs’s head and of course it grows back
Jeebs: Alright, Hamsterviel got the clone maker online at my website! I used to know him for a long time! He wanted to make clones of Leroy! But there was one flaw, the clone-o-matic was intended on making 5 clones!
J: How do we stop them?
Lilo: One word, music.
Jeebs: Music? I’ve got just the thing! Singer Imitation Noise Generators or SING for short! They can alter your voice to any singer!
J: What are your most popular?
Jeebs: We’ve got Elvis, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, John Lennon, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Will Smith…
J: Doesn’t Will Smith look and sound like me?
K: Yes, and he was also a rapper. One of his biggest hits was “Men in Black” based off of a film adaptation of when you first joined the MIB 20 years ago.
L: And the best part is that it was that nobody knew we were real seeing how producer Steven Spielberg and director Barry Sonnenfeld are aliens.
J: How much for the Will Smith one?
Jeebs: Well, since he’s too focused on his movie career and seeing how he stopped rapping in 2006, I’ll say it’s on the house! Compliments on me and my new employees, Bonnie and Clyde!
As you would have guessed, Jeebs was talking about experiments 149 and 150, two robbers apply named Bonnie and Clyde
Stitch: Bonnie, Clyde, you work here?
Bonnie: Jeebs pays us right and we don’t get caught!
Clyde: But the best part is we take stuff from other aliens and put it here!
Stitch: I’ll take it!
J: How are you gonna take down that hamster?
Stitch: Stitch have plan!
Stitch then whispers into J’s ear about the plan
J: Man, I couldn’t have thought of that myself!
K: Everybody, let’s get back to HQ and get rid of Hamsterviel once and for all!
Stitch: Bonnie, Clyde, come with meega!
Bonnie: Hey boss, can Clyde and I have the rest of the day off?
Jeebs: Sure! By the way, for all you aliens some new human suits are in stock!
K blasts Jeebs again
Jeebs: What was THAT for?
K: Selling human suits is illegal!
They all get in their respective cars, J K and L in their LTD and Stitch and his gang now including Bonnie and Clyde in theirs
Bonnie: You never told me those were the Men in Black, or the fact that this car isn’t worth diddly!
Jumba: 149, this car is supermodified LTD and has great features! It could go over speed limit making other drivers angry! HA HA HA HA HA!
J: Just shut up and get in the car!
Reuben: And stop that stupid laughing, it’s getting annoying!
Jumba: Sorry.
Lilo starts the car as does J and Stitch and the gang take off with J K and L following them. Stitch also notices the red button
Stitch: Oooh. Button!
Nani: NO! Don’t push the red button!
Lilo: Nani, I think we need to get back to HQ pretty quickly seeing how we do have a time limit.
Nani: On second thought, push the button anyway Stitch.
Stitch pushes the red button at the same time J does in his LTD
Stitch: Buckle up!
Both LTDs go into their turbo mode and get to HQ faster and J’s LTD makes it there first
L: Looks like you DID do well.
J: See? What did I tell ya? Agent J is now feeling the need for speed!
X: Big whoop!
They noticed that Agent X, a green alien who always was a cynical loose cannon in the MIB and was also L’s partner, was standing right next to them.
X: Humans, they never learn…
L: X, you may wanna learn that you have to treat all species equally if you want another paycheck!
X: And what makes you think that I want to do that?
K: Because we have some aliens who are helping us.
Stitch and the gang make it out of their LTD and notice X right away
X: A bunch of aliens and two humans. I’m surprised but not impressed.
Nani: Oh yeah? Maybe THIS will impress you!
Lilo and Nani take off their human suits to show X that they’re Honoluluans
X: I apologize for what I said.
L: And for what else?
X: I also apologize for any crack that I’ve said about humans being inferior.
L: That’s more like it!
J: HELLO?! Hamsterviel is about to wreak havoc in about 10 minutes!
L: Oh yeah! We have to get ready!
They later explain their plan to Zed
Zed: So your plan is to use the Quick Clones to fight off Hamsterviel and Leroy, use that SING to use Stitch as Will Smith, lure our criminals to the center and let Stitch perform the MIB anthem all resulting in getting rid of Leroy and arresting Hamsterviel?
J: That’s not exactly what Stitch told me. He also said he wanted to get rid of Hamsterviel so that way we won’t deal with him again!
Zed: That plan may be the most dangerous plan I’ve ever heard of, but seeing how we want Hamsterviel out of the picture, I’ll allow it! Plus you also want some MIB suits that can accommodate some other experiments? Leave it to Dr Zeeltor!
Zeeltor: Agent J, Agent K, I never knew that one of my students Jumba Jookiba was here!
Jumba: Zeeltor, Jumba is still mad that Jumba got detention a few decades ago.
Zeeltor: It wasn’t my fault, it was the principal who got you punished! Anyways, I’ll be making suits that will fit your experiments as well as some extra suits for Lilo and Nani, as well as you and Pleakley.
Pleakley: You know, why would the little monster use Will Smith rather than Elvis? I mean he worships Elvis
Lilo: Well because I expanded Stitch’s musical selection over the years and he just fell in love with Will Smith because of how he never uses dirty words in his raps.
Pleakley: Well there are plenty of Elvis impersonators since his 1977 death anyways.
K: Elvis isn’t dead, he just went home!
J: Same thing with MIchael Jackson!
L: As well as Beethoven, Walt Disney, Prince…
Pleakley: Wait a minute, if Walt Disney is an alien, then what’s Michael Eisner?
J: The head of the Disney company from 1984 to 2005.
Worms: What about us? Do we get some suits?
Zed: Okay.
Stitch: Naga getting any younger!
L: Here we go with our noise generator. It’s set to Will Smith and…
The SING generator turns on
Stitch: (Now speaking like Will Smith) Yo, whazzup? Whoa! Not only do I sound like Will Smith, I’ve got his persona too!
Worm 1: The Fresh Prince of Hawaii!
Worm 2: The Notorious 626!
Stitch: How about “Will Stitch”?
J: It DOES have a nice ring to it!
Zeeltor: I’ve got the suits ready!
Stitch: Yo Jumba, you got my cousins ready?
Jumba: Just a few as well as the other experiments already activated.
Montage of the experiments as well as Jumba, Pleakley, Lilo, Nani, Bonnie, Clyde, Sparky, Angel, Reuben and Stitch putting on their MIB suits ensue as Stitch says the following
Stitch: Alright, y’all think that we just outsmart Hamsterviel, but we gonna blast him to Kingdom Come! Why? Because we’re with the guys who take out alien scum and that rodent is the biggest scumbag the universe has ever got! Also, we ain’t CIA or FBI or anything else, we are the Men in Black! And you wanna know what separates us aliens from you humans? It’s the fact that we can make these suits look GOOD!
Later somewhere in the building Hamsterviel is getting impatient
Hamsterviel: I’m getting a little tired of waiting! It’s time for me to start this thing! GANTU! Oh wait, Gantu is still working at Galactic Federation! I’m SO STUPID! If you want something done right you have to do it yourself! (Reading the manual) “Thank you for buying the Clone-O-Matic 5000…” Blah blah blah. Who gives a flying saucer?!
Back at the main hallway
Zed: We’ve got our Quick Clones ready, now we have to set up the stage! Idikiukup, Bob, get ready!
Twins: (Alien language that even I can’t understand)
Back to Hamsterviel
Hamsterviel: Okay, here we go!
Hamsterviel powers up the machine and waters an experiment pod and what results from the pod is experiment 629 aka Leroy, Stitch’s evil twin who has red fur as opposed to Stitch’s blue fur and has Stitch’s alien features. His growls and vocal patterns are now reminiscent of that of actor Vincent D’Onofrio (who did Edgar the Bug from the first MIB film and did the voices of the Bugs from MIB The Series)
Hamsterviel: IT LIVES!!! HA HA HA HA! That pawn shop owner online just laughed at me, well who’s laughing now?!
Hamsterviel cackles like a madman
J: Looks like the last laugh’s on YOU, Hamtaro!
J and the rest of the quick clones are armed with Series 4 DeAtomizers, Icers and Noisy Crickets (By the way, Stitch’s quick clone sounds like Stitch before he had the SING generator)
Hamsterviel: OH! You again?! I HATE you guys! It won’t matter because Leroy is about to make milks meat of you!
Clyde: How so? There’s only like 10 of us and only two of you!
Hamsterviel: Not for long, because I have one, two, three, four, five clones of Leroy! Wait a minute… One, two, three, four, FIVE?!
K: Didn’t you read the fine print?
Hamsterviel does just that and finds out that it’s only intended for 5 clones
Hamsterviel: “Warning: Clone maker is intended on making only FIVE CLONES AND NO MORE”?! I am so STUPID!
Stitch: 7 to 10, not so fair!
Reuben: You’re going down!
Hamsterviel: Et tu, Reuben?
Reuben: You never pay me anything!
Hamsterviel: Get rid of them!
Leroy: Which one?
Hamsterviel: Start with 626! You know, Stitch!
They then fight each other while the others fight the Leroy clones with insults a plenty
Leroy: You are the ugliest creature I’ve ever seen in my life!
Stitch: You’re not a looker yourself either!
Everybody tries to take the clones down but they keep getting healed or something else
Nani: How do we stop them?
Jumba: Last known weakness of 629 is music!
Stitch: Allow Stitch.
Leroy: What are you doing?
Stitch: Aloha Oe, Aloha Oe, E Ke Onaona Noho I Ka Lipo…
Leroy starts to buzz out as do his clones putting them into a coma
Hamsterviel: No, it can’t be!
Stitch: Looks like the Bliznak has hit the Baari!
Pleakley: What does that mean?
Jumba whispers into Pleakley’s ear something along the lines of “the shit has hit the fan”
Pleakley: My fault for asking!
K: You’re under arrest for crimes of destruction, illegal experimentations and cancelling Seinfeld while melting a bicycle!
Hamsterviel: What are you saying?
J: What he meant to say is that you’re going to prison where Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois fly barenaked with Game Boys in their bagpipes…
J’s nonsensical speech is slowed down and the quick clones start melting
Hamsterviel: What happened?
Zed: Quick clones, just like the real thing but more gooey and panties smacking golf bags…
Zed’s quick clone melts
Back at the set of the “music video”
Zed: We’ve got the singer, the set and the music provided by Stitch’s cousin Sample and according to our security cameras, our quick clones have just gone “plop”. It’s time to rock. Stitch, are you ready?
Stitch: Ready, man!
Back to Hamsterviel, the Leroy clones wake up dazed
Leroys: What happened?
Hamsterviel: Come now, daddy will explain it to you a little later but now he has to do some work, you’re free to come with me!
Hamsterviel makes his way to where the main command center is
Hamsterviel: Where are you? What are you? WHO are you?!
Arrows point the way to the stage and a video clip of Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith plays on screen projectors throughout the building
Tommy Lee Jones: We are the best kept secret in the universe. Our mission is to monitor extraterrestrial activity on Earth. We are your best, last and only line of defense. We work in secret, we exist in shadow.
Will Smith: And we dress in black.
The video cuts to static and Hamsterviel and the Leroys make it to the stage where the stage is literally set and Zed is making the announcements
Zed: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh off of his successful tour of Pandora, Tatooine, Tamaran and Omicron Persei 8, from West Turo born and raised, give it up for Will Stitch!
Stitch shows up dressed in MIB attire; black suit with white shirt, black necktie, black pants, black shoes and a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses and the other experiments as well as Lilo and Nani and Jumba and Pleakley and of course the MIB staff are dressed the same way
Leroy: What is it?
Hamsterviel: I don’t like where this is going…
Stitch: This one is off my new album, which I can’t come up with a title yet. HIT IT!
The music plays and the song is of course “Men in Black” performed by Will Smith with backup voices by Lilo, Nani, Bonnie, L and Angel as SWV member Coko the choreography is the same as the actual music video, if you haven’t seen it stop reading this and check out the video, if you have please continue
Stitch: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Woo!
Lilo and Nani: Here come the Men in Black…
Stitch: It’s the MIB’s, uh here come the MIB’s.
Bonnie and L: Here come the Men in Black…
Angel: The Men in Black…
Various experiments: They won’t let you remember.
Stitch: Nah, nah nah.
The monitor shows clips of J and K’s various adventures throughout their 20-year partnership
Stitch: The good guys dress in black, remember that. Just in case we ever face to face and make contact. The title held by me, MIB, means what you think you saw you did not see. So don’t blink be what was there is now gone. Black suits with the black Ray Bans on. Walk in shadow, move in silence, guard against extra-terrestrial violence. But yo, we ain’t on no government list, we straight don’t exist no names and no fingerprints. Saw something strange watch your back, cause you never quite know where the MIB’s is at. Uh eh.
While everybody on stage is dancing to the beat, the music damages one of the Leroy clones so much that he blows up leaving a slimy pile of goo in its place.
Hamsterviel: No, not this!
Nani: Here come the Men in Black…
Angel: Men in Black…
Lilo: Galaxy defenders…
Angel: Oho Oho Oho…
Bonnie: Here come the Men in Black…
Angel: Men in Black…
L: They won’t let you remember…
Angel: Won’t let you remember…
Stitch: Uh, eh. From the deepest on the darkest of night, on the horizon bright light enter sight tight. Cameras zoom on the impending doom, but then like “BOOM” black suits fill the room up.
Swirly, Slushy, Richter, Kixx, Sparky, Reuben, etc start pulling out a Neuralizer with their shades on while Hamsterviel tries to cover his eyes.
Stitch: With the quickness talk with the witnesses. Hypnotizer, Neuralizer…
The Neuralizer flashes and the Leroys don’t have a clue what’s going on while Hamsterviel’s memory is intact.
Stitch: Vivid memories turn to fantasies, ain’t no MIB’s can I please.
J fires up his Noisy Cricket and shoots it at another Leroy and it blows up
Stitch: Do what we say, that’s the way we kick it. Ya know what I mean? See my Noisy Cricket getting wicked on ya. We’re your first, last and only line of defense against the worst scum of the universe!
One by one the Leroy clones get blasted until only one remains
Stitch: So don’t fear us, cheer us, if you ever get near us, don’t jeer us, we’re the fearless. MIB’s freezin’ up all the flack.
Worms: What’s that stand for?
Stitch: Men in Black.
The original Leroy is finally blasted and killed
Hamsterviel: NO!!! My baby! My precious Leroy! YOU! You did this!
Nani: The Men in Black…
J: Calm down, there’s a Hawaiian ritual to bring him back or something.
Hamsterviel: There is?
Stitch: Yeah, it’s very simple I’ll show you in a little bit just get up on the stage and we’ll show you.
Hamsterviel does just that
Lilo: The Men in Black…
Stitch: Just follow my lead.
Everybody does the following dance moves as does Hamsterviel
Stitch: Let me see you just bounce it with me, just bounce with me, just bounce it with me, c’mon. Let me see you just slide with me, just slide with me, just slide with me, c’mon. Let me see you take a walk with me, just walk it with me, take a walk with me c’mon and make your neck work. Now freeze!
When Stitch said “freeze” he kicks Hamsterviel in the private parts and screams just at the same time as Angel does her own.
Angel: OHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!!!!
Everybody else does the dance a second time
Female experiments: Here come the Men in Black…
Angel: Men in Black…
Lilo and Nani: Galaxy defenders…
Angel: Oooh, oooh, oooh!
Stitch: Righto, righto.
L: Here come the Men in Black…
Angel: Men in Black…
Pleakley: They won’t let you remember…
Stitch: Alright check it, let me tell you this in closin’...
Sparky: I know we might seem imposin’...
J: But trust me, if we ever showin’ your section…
K: Believe us, it’s for your own protection.
Stitch: Cause we see things that you need not see and we be places that you need not be. So go with your life forget that space Bliznak, show love to the black suits cause that’s the Men in Black! That’s the Men in…
Here come the Men in Black…
Here they come…
Galaxy defenders…
Galaxy defenders!
Hamsterviel recovers and grows an extra set of arms
Hamsterviel: Go ahead, arrest me.
K: Not this time!
All of them are pointing their guns at Hamsterviel
Here come the Men in Black…
Oooh, here they come…
They won’t let you remember…
Won’t let you remember!
Hamsterviel: What are you doing with those guns?
Zed: Something we should have done a long time ago YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATE!
Hamsterviel: NOOOO!!!!
They all shoot, blast and zap down Hamsterviel blowing him up into a million pieces finally ridding the galaxy of the little furball
Here come the Men in Black…
Oh, here they come…
Galaxy defenders…
Oho, ohoho, ohooo…
Here come the Men in Black…
They won’t let you remember!
The music ends and Hamsterviel is finally dead
J: I can’t believe it, we got rid of Hamsterviel!
Stitch: Aw yeah! Now we’re gonna get jiggy with it!
L: Oops, forgot to turn off the generator.
L turns the generator off and Stitch’s voice is back to normal
Stitch: Yes! Stitch killed Hamsterviel!
All the experiments, aliens and MIB agents cheer
Stitch: Thanks! If it weren’t for you, Hamsterviel would still be plotting his revenge!
Zed: Actually thank you Stitch, if it weren’t for your plan we would have never gotten rid of him in the first place! And you know this does make me realize that you’re part of a big “Ohana”, come to think of it all of the MIB are like family to me.
J: K, you’ve been like…
K: Like a father?
J: No, Zed’s more along those lines, you’re like the brother that I’ve never had!
Zed: Everyone, we have an incoming transmission from the Grand Councilwoman!
Pleakley: Oh that’s not too bad, it’s just THE GRAND COUNCILWOMAN? What should I wear?
J: Just keep on your suit!
The monitor shows the Grand Councilwoman and she is pleased to see our heroes
Grand Councilwoman: Jumba, Pleakley, Nani, Lilo, Stitch, Reuben, Angel, Sparky, J, K, L and Zed. I want to congratulate you all for taking down Dr Hamsterviel, even if it did involve killing him but the important thing is that with him dead, we won’t have to worry about Dr Jacques Von Hamsterviel anymore.
Zed: Thank you ma’am and I would like to thank Lilo and Stitch for their help with the plan.
Grand Councilwoman: Lilo, Stitch, I think there’s a few people who want to see you. Gantu! Come over here!
Captain Gantu is singing karaoke very badly
Gantu: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty first time…
Zed: Gantu.
Gantu: Like a virgin…
Stitch: Gantu?
Gantu: When your heart beats, next to mine…
Reuben: Hey, fishface!
Gantu: Reuben! Don’t sneak up on me like that… MIB! I’m sorry for what I did!
Zed: First, you didn’t do anything.
J: Second, your singing is off key.
Reuben: And third, the lyrics are “touched for the VERY FIRST time”!
Gantu: Sorry, I’m quite out of the loop.
Zed: Your message?
Gantu: Oh right. Lilo, I heard from the Grand Councilwoman that you and your family are aliens and considering that you’re with the MIB means that your relationship with Stitch is in good hands. Stitch, your plan to defeat Hamsterviel was so incredible that even I couldn’t believe it. You’re a…
Stitch: Trog?
Jumba: Monstrosity?
Gantu: No, you’re a hero, and an even bigger hero than I ever imagined. I am sorry for all the bad things I said to you.
Stitch: Me too.
Gantu: As for the efforts of the Men in Black, I would like to also thank them on taking care of Hamsterviel because…
J: He bossed you around?
Gantu: Yes.
Reuben: I’m also sorry for all those bad things and insults I’ve said about Gantu over the years. It’s just a shame that I have to go back with you on the Galactic Armada, but I’ve been thinking about my REAL true place, and that would be with Stitch. Either that or a Manhattan deli.
Gantu: Well thank you and godspeed.
Grand Councilwoman: Lilo, Nani, I think there are two people who want to see you…
Mr and Mrs Pelekai appear just as they were in the photo Lilo had. And they are excited to see their children again after a decade and a half.
Lilo: Mom?
Nani: Dad?
Mrs Pelekai: Lilo and Nani?
Mr Pelekai: Is that really you?
Nani: Who do you think, stupidhead?!
Lilo: MOM! Nani insulted me again!
Mrs Pelekai: Nani, no insulting your little sister!
Nani: It IS you!
Jumba: Little girl’s parents…
Pleakley: Are not dead?
Stitch: They just went home! Just like Elvis!
Mr Pelekai: We’ve missed you so much!
Mrs Pelekai: Those must be the MIB! (About J) How come that tall one looks like that social worker you keep talking about?
Nani: I almost forgot to mention! You know who these guys remind me of? Cobra Bubbles!
Zed: Agent CB?
J: That guy looked like me?
K: He was one of the very first African American agents to join the MIB, he was neuralized in the late 80s or early 90s but he still had the suit so he became a social worker.
Stitch: Cobra Bubbles was MIB agent?
Mr Pelekai: Lilo, is that the dog or alien that MIB keeps telling us about?
Lilo: I almost forgot! Mom, Dad, this is alien experiment 626, Stitch. Stitch, these are my parents.
Stitch: Aloha.
Mrs Pelekai: Must be an alien.
Mr Pelekai: Stitch, we’ve been hearing about you and the other experiments that Jumba has made and it looks like you’re part of the Ohana.
Zed: Mr and Mrs Pelekai it has been an honor to meet both of you. You do know that MIB saved your lives after that car crash, we took you home and concealed any evidence of your absence just like the 1964 World’s Fair or Richard Nixon’s Watergate Scandal.
Mr and Mrs Pelekai: Thank you for all your help!
Lilo and Nani: Bye Mom, bye Dad!
J: Any other surprises grand poobah?
Grand Councilwoman: Yes there is. A mister Jameson would like to see you.
Lilo: Wait a minute, Keoni’s an alien too?
Grand Councilwoman: Yes.
Nani: Isn’t that the guy who Lilo likes?
Worms: Lilo’s got a boyfriend! Lilo’s got a boyfriend!
Keoni Jameson, once a boy who Lilo liked, now a man with the looks of say Luke Perry from Beverly Hills 90210 appears on screen.
Keoni: Lilo? Is that you?
Lilo: Yes Keoni. And I have a question that I wanted to ask you for years.
Keoni: Same here, would you marry me?
Keoni holds an engagement ring
Lilo: That’s what I was gonna ask! Anyways, yes! I will marry you!
Stitch: Jumba, can Angel and I be married too?
Jumba: Eh, why not?
Stitch: Angel, will you marry meega?
Stitch holds an engagement ring
Angel: BOOJIBOO! I do!
Stitch: YES!
J: Looks like we’ve got us a double wedding in about a week.
One week later both weddings are being held at MIB headquarters and practically every MIB agent, every one of Lilo’s friends and every single experiment Jumba created is there. But one person who ISN’T there is Myrtle Edmons, Lilo’s enemy and a stuck up little brat. Luckily she was neuralized just before the wedding started and her “dog” Gigi who is really Experiment 007 is now in the seats with the other experiments dressed in MIB attire.
Pleakley: I always cry at these kinds of weddings.
The weddings of the two couples is about to begin and Zed is the minister
Zed: Friends, family, aliens, MIB agents, dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to join these two couples in Holy Matrimony. Now let’s make this quick because you never know what mission our agents could be assigned. Do you Keoni Jameson and Lilo Pelekai take each other to be your lawfully wedded husband and wife to have and to hold in sickness and in health for richer or for poorer until death do you part?
Keoni and Lilo: I do.
Zed: And do you, Stitch and Angel take each other to be a lawfully wedded couple even if we give you human suits to hide the fact that you’re aliens?
Stitch and Angel: I do.
Zed: If there is a reason why these two couples shouldn’t be joined together feel free to say why.
A brief silence
Zed: Okay, by the power vested in me by the planet Earth, the state of New York, the city of Manhattan and of course the Men in Black, I now pronounce you both husbands and wives. You may kiss the brides.
Lilo and Keoni kiss each other as do Stitch and Angel and everyone cheers. Even K sheds a tear of joy and everyone is in for a group photo
Lilo: Thanks J and K for all your help!
Stitch: You like Ohana!
J: Good luck with your futures and we’ll check up on all of you when we have the time!
Lilo and Stitch: ALOHA!
Lilo, Stitch and the rest of their Ohana all took off in their big ship
Zed: Well it certainly has been quite an eventful day. Hamsterviel is dead, Lilo got to see her parents again.
L: X just tolerated humans.
K: Not to mention, J finally got to drive the car.
J: K, about that, were you for real? You know that you wouldn’t let me drive.
K: Nope, I was telling the truth.
J: Thanks. And I also wanna thank you for being my partner for 20 years it really means so much to me. Although I do have the feeling that this is just the beginning of something even bigger, like another one of Hamsterviel’s minions is about to attack us or he comes back to life or someone like Alpha or Drekk or one of those bugs could attack. You never know what’ll happen next.
Everybody goes back into HQ and enjoys the moment while the Worms get more coffee from the supply quadrant of the building and it tosses an experiment pod into water. This results in the activation of one of Jumba’s oldest experiments, Experiment 000 aka Cyber, a cyberized version of what would later become Stitch who looks like Alpha, the former head of the MIB who went rogue and harvested alien body parts and died during the Ixion invasion of 2001. Just when Cyber is about to strike his electrical circuits go short and is killed. Upon investigation it’s Zed that did it.
Zed: I hate sequels.
THE END
(Author’s Notes) I would like to thank you for reading this! I hope you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing it. It may have been hard but I finally completed it! I would also like to apologize if I may have used plotholes or made so many plot points, just give me a break, I’m no Shakespeare or Ed Solomon (the writer of the MIB movie that started it all) but I just wanted a good MIB/Stitch crossover. See you on the other side. Harry Shoemaker