April 2014 - Issue 27

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DAYTON - APRIL 2014 - ISSUE 27

Photo# Stephanieweekly Baker

Contributors Stephanie Baker Matthew Coleman Jacob Combs Kerry Duane Nick Eddy Adam Eckley Justin Gault Victoria Harley Brian Johnson Emily Mendenhall Tom Morgan M Ross Perkins Cassidy Platt Jody Suttle Lisa Patrick-Wright ILLUSTRATORS & COMIC ARTISTS Sophie Dannin Erin Dreis Adam Eckley Brittany Schwarck Wakka Elliot Ward Christopher ‘ ETCH’ Weyrich Jason Young

Publisher: Brian Johnson [email protected] Editor: Kerry Duane Brown [email protected] 937-580-8551 Managing Editor: M Ross Perkins Designer: Justin Gault [email protected] Director of Photography: Stephanie Baker [email protected]

# weekly Photos Stephanie Baker table of contents PHOTONS |6-7 Photography by Mathew Coleman putting the craft in craft beer |8 Tom Morgan / illustrated by Elliot Ward off the radar: it’s not about political correctness |10 Jacob S Combs / illustrated by Sophie Dannin take me back to dear old blighty |12 Nick Eddy augury: dead ants on condo carpet |13 Written & Illustrated by Adam Eckley beauty, diversity & sustainability |14 Jody Suttle / illustrated by Erin Dreis

adjusting for inflation: |16 interview with the old yellow cab building Victoria Harley / illustrated by Brittany Schwarck i saw the best minds of my |18 generation destroyed...by poop M Ross Perkins / illustrated by Adam Eckley moonshine |20 Emily Mendenhall seek and you shall find|21 Christopher ‘ETCH’ Weyrich diy: natural weed killer |22 Lisa Patrick-Wright advice|23 Mama Cass TELEPHONE ASKS|24 If you could be half human/half animal what animal would you choose and why? TIC ‘KECK’ TOE & |25 TELEPHONE’S PHRASAL TEMPLATE WORD GAME Telephone Comics|26 eTch, Nate Lovett, Wakka, Roy Hankerton & Jason Young

# weekly matthew-coleman.com Matthew Coleman | Matthew Photos

6 | # weekly # weekly | 7 WHAT we’re drinking: Putting the Craft in Craft Beer by Tom Morgan | illustrated by Elliot Ward

beer you are drinking? And how does the production process influence the final product that goes into your glass? The most obvious and oversimplified answers to these questions are that Big Beer is evil and craft beer is good, but this tautology ignores the shifting parameters of craft beer as an economic, political, and social entity over last thirty years. Before getting too far into these questions, I would like to take a moment to distinguish between quality and intensity. Often, beer geeks and new craft drinkers alike focus on intensity, allowing intensity to stand in as a marker of quality; this can be seen by the status accorded to massively-hopped imperial IPAs and Russian Imperial Stouts in most craft beer circles. In and of itself, however, intensity is not a marker of quality; there is not a pre-ordained hierarchy of beer styles marked by an increasing level of intensity—a Great Chain of Beer, if you will. Instead, quality refers to the beer itself, not the scale or intensity of it. Big does not always equal better. A lager can be as well-made as an IPA, heretical as that may sound. When the focus shifts to the beer itself—rather than the assumptions that consumers bring to beer as an overarching whole, like the admonition that adjuncts, like macrobreweries, are evil—we can ask different types of questions. The Brewers Association—the trade group that represents craft brewers in the United States—defines a craft brewery as “small, independent, and traditional.” Their definition of “small” is “annual production of 6 million barrels of beer or less (approximately 3 percent of U.S. annual sales).” 6,000,000 barrels. And a barrel of beer, in case you were wondering, equals 31 gallons. So that’s 186,000,000 gallons of beer. While I understand that the increase of numbers regarding annual production in recent years allows the Brewers Association to continue counting breweries like Boston Beer as a part of their yearly statistics, this number still goes beyond that which The term craft beer is a many-headed hydra. “what makes a beer good?” are influenced reasonably counts as small. After all, while 3 While I understand that most people want by numerous considerations outside of percent of U.S. sales is far less than, say Coors the definition of craft to be simple, clear, the beer itself. For example, how does the or Miller, it is still well beyond the numbers and easy, it is not. Even basic questions like producer influence your perception of the most craft breweries will ever approach. As a “It would just be nice if that history was based upon, well, history, and was a little more even-handed and based less upon marketing.”

8 | # weekly comparison, the only Dayton brewery with the German Reinheitsgebot than it does to the current capacity to produce more than the actual history of brewing in America. In WHAT we’re drinking: Putting the Craft in Craft Beer a 1,000 barrels of beer per year is Warped this sense, the stigma connected to adjuncts by Tom Morgan | illustrated by Elliot Ward Wing. So in this scenario, as long as you are has been created via their association with no more than 6,000 times bigger, you are Big Beer: it is a product of those producers’ still considered craft. As economies of scale reputations more than anything to do with go, that is a pretty large spectrum. adjuncts per se. While this reaction may be Next comes independent. Redhook gets understandable given the particular history kicked to the curb by the Brewers Association of beer in this country, the backlash against for the 25% stake it sold to Anheuser-Busch adjuncts is more a manifestation of our own in 1995, which provided Redhook with personal discomfort with America’s brewing access to A-B’s national distribution chain legacy. In a discussion we had regarding the and the money to open a second brewery in American Weissbier recipe from Wahl’s and Portsmouth, NH. Widmer followed in 1997, Henius’s American Handy-Book of American selling A-B a 27% stake for distribution Brewing, Malting, and Auxiliary Trades (1902), access; Redhook and Widmer themselves a recipe that features 30% corn in the grain merged in 2007 to form the Craft Beer bill, beer writer Jeff Alworth aptly observes Alliance. While both have been vilified that “corn is so hated now we forget that for their decisions, as has Goose Island in it’s our claim to indigenous fame. We call 2011, I’ve always had difficulty reconciling it ‘cheap’ but if the Belgians had had corn, the differences between their actions and we’d call it ‘rustic.’ Time to reclaim it from the similar brewery expansions pursued the beer geek trashbin.” His point, that by Boston Beer in Cincinnati, Ohio and we look down on our own history in the Breinigsville, Pennsylvania, and more same manner that we tend to valorize the recently the second wave of these expansions brewing history of other countries, hits the by Sierra Nevada and New Belgium in proverbial nail on the head. I couldn’t agree Asheville, North Carolina, and Lagunitas more. in Chicago, Illinois. Sure, these breweries So where does this leave us? I’d like to have maintained their “independence,” but close with a question, one intended to they are all moving towards the business expand traditional discussion regarding model espoused by the supposed enemy, the definition of beer at a local level: if a Big Beer, with multiple breweries across the brewery—let’s call it Brewery X—produces country intended to maximize distribution, 2-3 million barrels of beer annually and production, and profit. The notion of distributes in all 50 states, is it still a craft independent is further complicated in the brewery? After all, at that point, Brewery X case of Boston Beer; while initially critical of would seem to have more in common with Redhook’s actions, it had its own IPO stock Big Beer breweries like Budweiser than a offering in the mid-90s, raising $60 million brewery producing 500 barrels a year, even dollars in capital that allowed Boston Beer though the scale of comparison between to finally built its own brewery—during its Budweiser and Brewery X is roughly first decade as a brewery, the majority of its comparable to the one between Brewery X beer came from contract brewing. It is this and a brewery producing 500 barrels a year. type of duplicity that makes me wish for Pretending that the giants of craft beer share more craft breweries like New Glarus, which the same concerns with those on the lower intentionally self-limits their distribution to echelons of production is both foolish and Wisconsin. Sure, it makes getting their beer asinine. And even a little bit insulting. Still, more difficult to obtain, but I’ll take less- the desire to continue to count breweries often quality over more-frequent quantity. like Brewery X, to acknowledge their As it relates to craft, less is often more. role in the history of craft beer while also Finally, the Brewers Association’s third relying upon their successes to document term: traditional. The ill-conceived “Craft the growth of craft, is important as well as versus Crafty” statement from the BA in understandable. It would just be nice if that December of 2012 was intended to call out history was based upon, well, history, and “phantom craft” brewers like Blue Moon was a little more even-handed and based less and Shock Top—breweries actually owned upon marketing. Even so, craft beer, much by Big Beer—in order to provide clarity like Dayton’s burgeoning craft scene, is at a and transparency for craft beer consumers. crossroads. At the same time, it managed to alienate several of America’s older independent In our next issue, we’ll try some beer. breweries by labeling them as “crafty” for their use of adjuncts, most notably corn. As Jace Marti of August Schell Brewing Company told the Brewer’s Association on BeerPulse, “Shame on you.” This hewing to “traditional” brewing ingredients on the part of the Brewer’s Association—yeast, water, barley, and hops—stems more from a false need on the part of BA to adhere to

# weekly | 9 Off the Radar: Because Pop Stars are People Too

It’s Not About Political Correctness by Jacob Combs | illustrated by sophie dannin

humor doesn’t come from a bad place but you’re going too far with it.” Luckily, I didn’t alienate any friends or burn any bridges. I had accepted the fact that I was being out of line and had to move forward. To mock or ridicule a representation of a struggle in which you have no part is generally in poor taste, but we aren’t born with that knowledge. And not everyone is lucky enough to run into someone who will let them know early on, “I know you’re a good person but not everyone else knows that. Watch what you say.” Language is constantly evolving, and the line between what’s acceptable and what’s not is thin, blurry, and seemingly nonexistent at times. It didn’t take long for me to realize I am no figure of authority on what constitutes a person’s right to be offended. I understand that words hold very much power. No person should be put in the position of having to defend themselves for being made uncomfortable or for being “too sensitive.” Words that are used to belittle persons based on skin color, gender identity, sexual orientation, nationality, or any other target of ridicule should generally be avoided. I’ve fallen into the “ultra-PC” folder of the mental filing cabinets of many for simply letting others know that racist jokes aren’t cool, rape jokes are an abomination, or talking about a trans* individual like they’re a novelty is offensive whether or not they’re around to hear it. I’ve often leaned on the standby: “It’s not about being politically correct, it’s about being a decent person.” But it takes a lot more than good table manners to be a decent person. It makes sense, devoting a conscious effort to be prepared at all times for an interaction with any other human and not having to worry about slipping up and say something stupid. Humans are adaptable creatures and we Thoughts, ideas, emotions, opinions--we not share common thoughts, ideas, emotions myself on both sides. never stop learning until our last moments; all have them. They’re the basis of human or opinions. A time not long ago, I was a teenager. so why are so many people quick to defend relationships. Each person has their own Humans, with our endlessly-powerful minds Teenagers tend to think they’re funny when their right to be jerks? The argument closest arrangement of internal happenings that can and opposable thumbs, rarely make sense. they’re not, and are known to push the to one that makes any sense is the one against shift with their personal growth, location, Open racists will tear apart any individual who boundaries of acceptable language. I was censorship. Censorship is what keeps vital or time period. We exchange thoughts and questions the Christian faith. Fairweather totally that guy. I could easily keep myself knowledge from reaching public exposure. It ideas to get things done, we share emotions feminists who think the word “bitch” should entertained by quoting full scenes from the diminishes artistic integrity. It leaves children to feel like we’re still breathing, and we be erased altogether will forgive misogyny Boondocks and reciting Ice Cube’s entire ill-prepared to face reality. Censorship is express opinions to appear intelligent. as long as it’s coming from Lil’ Wayne. Art verse in “Fuck Tha Police,” not omitting any what keeps us naive and uninformed, so Communicating these things with people school dropouts who think no white person racially-sensitive words, and seeing nothing why should we let it enter our lives? The who may not share a lot in common with us should ever have dreadlocked hair will laugh wrong with it. My friends would laugh. I word “censor” suggests hiding what’s already can be difficult and oftentimes discouraging. at a Holocaust joke if a queer person is the would laugh. After a while, though, it grew there in order to avoid controversy, whether Political correctness versus standing against one who says it. We’re getting mixed signals tiresome. Friends of mine would then take it’s covering exposed genitals on a piece of censorship is a debate that regularly builds from every angle, yet we’re expected to know me aside and respectfully let me know, “Yes, artwork or the “bleep” that masks profanity barriers between individuals who may or may what is and what is not acceptable. I’ve found Jacob, you’re funny. I get it. I know your on television. For a person to say or do

10 | # weekly something they know will potentially evoke a make a point to call out any individual for negative response only to justify it with their making questionable remarks: Are you refusal to self-censor isn’t a valid argument if militant about the language used by yourself that’s as far as it goes. Satire, one of the most and those around you because you are celebrated devices in entertainment, often seriously passionate about defending those relies heavily on prejudice and stereotypes to who are oppressed, or do you get yourself make its point. American comedy is almost high on the power that comes with having entirely built upon stubborn characters an ethical authority that others may not? Is with major personality flaws who become it your conscious effort to create an open involved in questionable situations because and comfortable environment, or are you of their own ignorance. Provocative language acting on the excitement of having found the and imagery is not without its proper time one argument that you know you can win? and place, but how are we supposed to Is the intellect you’re defending something differentiate between liberal use of artistic you really believe in, or are you trying to license and content that is constructed solely impress someone? Both sides are quick to for a reaction? It’s not easy to find a right or jump on the defense and dismiss anything wrong answer, and it’s absurd that people that is said to oppose them. Are we really treat the discussion like an argument. Each working toward a mutual understanding person’s experience is unique, and there’s no of the human condition, or do we look for real formula to determine what will offend opportunities to flex our pride muscles? anybody. It depends on the time, place, the Whether or not we admit to it, everyone has person(s) involved, and the situation at hand. a basic understanding of what is and isn’t Well-meaning individuals may say something okay in 21st century conversation. But how unacceptable due to a temporary lapse in do we apply our understanding of words to judgment or simply not knowing that their our daily lives? words or actions are uncalled for. All humans To express sympathy for disabled make mistakes, and if we’re lucky, they won’t citizens, it’s generally agreed that “retarded” destroy our reputations. isn’t a proper synonym for “stupid,” though I was sitting in a morning sociology class assisting persons who have differently-abled at Sinclair a couple of years ago when minds and bodies than our own certainly another student started talking about takes more patience and selflessness than “colored people.” She wasn’t saying anything editing our vocabulary. Sexual assault is hurtful, but this didn’t change the fact that something to never be taken lightly, but giving she was using dated terminology that still an accused rapist the benefit of the doubt is held significant weight. After the awkward convenient when the person is in your social tension and noticeable silence became too circle. Much of our population will agree that much, our professor kindly let her know that abortion is a serious decision to be made the term she was looking for was “people of by the woman it affects, an ethical stance color.” These terms use the same essential that can easily be forgotten when a close words, and this young girl from rural Ohio in friend or lover is the one affected. Mental her first semester at community college was illness touches most of us in some way and so embarrassed that she began to apologize we’ve learned to express sympathy for those profusely for simply not knowing what affected directly, but it takes a great deal of she was saying. The air thinned out, some effort to deal with individuals when they other students got out a few uncomfortable start exhibiting neurotic behavior brought chuckles of relief, and the class continued. on by manic depression or post-traumatic There is a huge difference between ignorance stress disorder. When a person we know falls and intolerance, and this person was simply victim to drug addiction or suicide, it’s easier speaking in a manner which received to dismiss their actions as selfish than it is unintended attention. to reach an understanding of what might be The discussion will continue as long as going on in their mind. We absorb new-age language keeps evolving, so there are ideologies from seminars and links found on questions to keep in mind. To those who social networks that we adopt as our own, hold dear the idea that nothing is sacred and yet it’s a task to apply them in situations that that censorship is the biggest oppressor: Have affect us. you been on the receiving end of hurtful Humans. We are capable of sympathy as words because of factors you cannot control, well as hypocrisy. We are blessed with the and if so, do you really want to perpetuate ability to learn new information and apply it that cycle? Are offensive jokes and hurtful immediately, if we stop talking for a minute. language your way of starting an inclusive We all want a better world for ourselves and conversation about sensitive subjects, or are future generations, but we are selfish in the you just playing the antagonist to get a laugh ways in which we go about making it happen. out of your idiot friends? Do you really find Yes, language is important; it’s primarily how that making light of controversial topics like we communicate. But there are so many racism and sexual assault could be a coping more difficult tasks ahead of us. It’s not mechanism, or are you simply escaping about being politically correct. It’s about the ugly parts of reality? And to those who being a decent person.

# weekly |11 two weeks in France (to my understanding), right down the insane Scott Walker string arrangements. Sort of James Bond theme Take Me Back to Dear Old Blighty stuff, sort of Burt Bacharach swing for the

by Nick Eddy millionth time, this sneaky little record worked itself into my brain and lingered for Listen: I’m going to be 45 next month, so any + ‘ettes. Cute. Got it. Functional.” Then a months. It’s sorely due for a sequel, if only opinions I hold will come across as the year later I learned that noisette was French because I’m sure that Miles Kane needs cash screeching of a miserable old person, pining for “hazelnut” and that’s not something that, for a tuneup on the Aston-Martin he must for safe olden times. Fair enough! But when say, the Imagine Dragons’ singer’s brother have bought with royalties from the first one. I aver that the current state of pop/rock would call a band, would he? They had an music is the absolute worst it’s been since album before this one and another one after Key track: “The Meeting Place” the great pre-Nirvana desert of 1991, it’s and they are both negligible; perhaps a deal simply stating fact. That was a terrible time: with the devil was struck, because this one is Ugly Kid Joe was actually a going concern, stellar. Singer Shingai Shoniwa was, I think, gunk like Damn Yankees and Extreme was a star in the UK for a time, as well she should clogging up MTV (go ask your folks what be with such an amazing voice and personal MTV was), and people were expected to treat style. And she plays the bass while singing Jane’s Addiction as great artists. and jumping off the drum kit. I obsessed The grumpy sunuvabitch in me says it’s over this LP for a long time. One night, I was even worse now, of course, when the most 1. The Clientele - God Save the Clientele over for dinner with friends and the single critically acclaimed prestige bands all either (2007) “Never Forget You” blared out from the give off vaguely countryish vibes or are iPod mix that was playing. The hostess and Laurel Canyon throwbacks and (here I My wife doesn’t hate these guys, but tends to her friends all sang along lustily. “How do approach my point) the idea of music from denigrate them as “plinky.” I then suggest you guys know this song?” I asked frantically. the UK is reduced to your niece loving One that she go sleep in the station wagon until Turns out it was on the store-supplied mix-of- Direction or someone maybe remembering she gets her head out of her ass. This gentle the-month where they were all working retail “Wonderwall.” rock record is so spring-like in my mind that at the time. So it will work in that donut When I start this rant with friends (and this things in my field of vision seem to collect shop you want to open as well. This is like if is basically a transcription of my best rants green pollen on them as I listen to it. The Lexicon of Love-era ABC did another record on this topic), I always start with Nirvana opening trifecta sets such a high standard after that with a female singer. And if that and the Great Year of 1993, then I say that I always think “surely the quality will fall makes sense to you, you are my best friend. 4. Temples - Sun Structures (2014) “but where is a Suede to come along with off in a moment” and it does slightly; but it’s some songs?” Listeners to this sort of tirade hard to sustain perfection and by the closing Key track: “Every Now and Then” This just came out two months ago, so select will shift uncomfortably and start looking “Dreams of Leaving” (the impossibly wistful tracks may be winging their way to credit card around for their coats, and try not to notice prom-theme fora world that’s not a complete commercials as I type, but I was fairly shocked that I am looking deep into their souls for sewer) the balance is redressed. This record is to hear this. Pitchfork sneered and gave it a confirmation; but I still say that what is just one among their consistently great output, 5.5, and, yes, it is a pastiche of every goofy terrible today is the dearth of actual stick- all of varying levels of fidelity and weirdness. psychedelic “Nuggets”-style track you’ve ever in-your-head songs, which UK bands tend Their singer is doing other projects, though heard, and, yes, it does not need to exist. I to have by the bucketful. My fantasy, then, they will tour this year supporting a reissue of don’t care! I love it! Did I mention the songs is that there is still time left on earth, with their first Merge album. He also does none- are mostly too long? Do I need to say that I the rising tides and Putin about to annex more-British stuff like recording birds and saw these guys dismissed on another band’s Prince Edward Island, for another UK band ambient woods noises and putting MP3s of message board for being “skinny?” That they to come along and kick the living piss out same on their web site. Hooray. are from Kettering (England!) and their of me. drummer is called “Sam Toms?” I might not So here I stand, on a lonely outcropping Key track: “Here Comes the Phantom” care about overlooking the Atlantic, having scanned the this record ever again in two weeks, but sea and sky for incoming perfect pop from I’m glad they made it, full as it is with the UK. I have set forth to compose a list (admittedly derivative) melody and youthful of Four Great British Records From the Last lunkheadedness (although the internet Ten Years Which You Likely Haven’t Heard has been slow to cough up their ages, so (or FGBRFtLTYWYLHH, for you hashtag- maybe they are older that I think, which is mad teens). 3. The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of encouraging). I’m even glad they went with the Understatement (2008) the beyond-dumb Zep-ism of the “band at a castle” album cover. I’ve never really understood the appeal Everyone I’ve told to listened to it has liked of Arctic Monkeys. They have a few good it, and that never happens. songs, it’s just...Why them? Why were they somehow singled out for the old “fastest Key track: “Move With the Season” selling debut in UK chart history” crown and now why have they made their way to Bonus fact: The Libertines only had one American radio play on crappy rock format good song! radio stations and those nu-metal stations 2. The Noisettes - Wild Young Hearts (2009) that were once “alternative?” We cannot say. This is Nick Eddy’s first piece for Telephone. He Back in 2008, though, lead Monkey Alex also carps about life at nickeddyrelents.blogspot.com Well, firstly, regarding the name of the Turner got together with Miles Kane of also- band, I always thought “Oh, okay, ‘Noise’ rans the Rascals and recorded this gem in

12 |# weekly Take Me Back to Dear Old Blighty AUGURY by Nick Eddy written & illustrated by adam eckley

Telephone staff illustrator Adam Eckley shares his original micro-fiction. Dead Ants On Condo Carpet (1993) by Adam Eckley I remember the mornings, waking strange on a waterbed and tomato plants outside my window grew in flimsy wooden planters. The smell of the electricity and ozone from out of the old wooden television. Off whites and uncomfortable browns would watch me from all around. The television, my pancakes, and I, we were in a cult together. The tubes behind the screen cooked and cooked. They were cooking for me.

Closed Mon & Tues (except for photoshoots) Wed & Thur: 12:30p - 5p Fri - Sat: 12p - 6p Sun: 12p - 5p

# weekly | 13 Beauty, Diversity & Sustainability by Jody Suttle| Illustrated by ERIN DReis

What’s the big deal anyway? treatments to keep up on its new makeover. Ok, so you live in suburbia and everyone I remember years ago when lawn companies in the neighborhood has a “flawless” green would come out once in the spring and lawn. You want to blend in, as to not piss once in the fall to do treatments (and that’s off your neighbors and to keep the city truly all that is necessary). Now because of off your back. I understand! So what’s the clever business choices by these companies, problem, you say? Let’s break this down. you’ll see them come out and spray in You’re going to hire a lawn service to come February and just about once a month out and look at your yard. They’ll roll up in until December. What happens to all the their van covered with pictures of puppies excess chemicals that your grass doesn’t and butterflies and tell you that you’ll need use? When it rains, the chemicals leach a series of pre-emergents, fertilization, pest down through the soil and are released control, aeration. The list goes on. You’ll into groundwater, wells, and aquifers. Or probably be convinced to go with whatever in urban areas, the contaminated water they recommend, just trusting that it’s just flows right over pavement. It later the right thing to do. Because let’s face it, ends up concentrated in a pool somewhere everyone is doing it! The thing to realize here and is then absorbed into groundwater, is that it’s not all puppies and butterflies. In eventually making it to streams and rivers. fact, it’s quite the opposite. Treated lawns This contaminated water causes all kinds are probably the single most unsustainable of health problems in people and wildlife. waste of space out there. Your lawn will now It has become super tricky lately because, grow with super power strength and require due to the growing awareness of these excessive watering, mowing, and continual problems, lawn companies now throw in

14 |# weekly cars that aren’t efficient. As our population a “Green” here and a “Eco-friendly” there, grows and natural spaces become scarce, it confusing the general public into thinking is our respo-nsibility as individuals to do Beauty, Diversity that their company is a better choice for the our best to help in any way we can. And just environment. Unless they are sprinkling because you’ve decided not to treat your corn gluten on your lawn, I’d be skeptical. yard, it doesn’t mean that it has to look & Sustainability If you must go this route, be sure to ask messy and unkempt. If you own your home by Jody Suttle| Illustrated by ERIN DReis questions and limit the treatments to a or rent from someone who’s open to it, you minimum. You could also choose a more can develop lawn-less landscape designs that sustainable species of grass to plant, such as are so beautiful with beds of wildflowers ‘Buffalo Grass’ which thrives in sun, heat and native plants attracting pollinators to and drought. The cultivar ‘Legacy’ works our gardens! We fundamentally require better for wetter conditions. Appalachian pollinators such as bees, butterflies, bats, and Pennsylvania Sedges look similar to wasps, and hummingbirds for the survival grass and can handle more shade. I have of our planet and thus, the survival of our also been toying around with alternative, own species. There is no question about it more interesting looking groundcovers that between huge corporate farms dousing like Muehlenbeckia ‘Nana’ which is low their GMO crops with Glyphosate-based growing, deer resistant, drought and poor herbicides, clear-cutting natural spaces for soil tolerant, and blooms adorable little sprawl, and society’s obsession with weed- white flowers that turn into little berries in less yards, these fragile little animals and the fall. insects are in danger. My best suggestion is There is so much beauty and diversity in to take as much space as you can to plant naturalized lawns. vegetables and native plants with designated Once you’ve made the decision that you’re walkways throughout, creating a little oasis not going to be a slave to your lawn, you can where you and your family can observe your now open your mind to all that your yard has new ecosystem! to offer -- a safe haven for children, animals, There are innumerable resources out bees and butterflies! My favorite memories there for people looking to naturalize of childhood are rolling around in the their landscapes. Five Rivers Metro Parks backyard and exploring all the action going hosts online classes and other educational on. Little flowers, grasshoppers, clovers and opportunities. Cox Arboretum in particular dandelions... It’s sad to think that many kids has an awesome pollinator garden as well these days are being deprived of that. There as beautiful native wildflower/woodland are a lot of variables in life that aren’t as easy areas. Mount St. John at the Bergamo to control. Many of us buy food at grocery Center is also a great place to go check out stores that has been shipped from Mexico, native plants in action! or we have to drive to work in crappy old

# weekly | 15 place and corner of the world. That’s the trouble with all your “generational divide” talk. If you’ve read even a few decades of Adjusting for Inflation: history, you begin to appreciate the breadth of “the eternal sea,” and the longevity of corruption. I could name a dozen different Interview with the old Yellow Cab Building people who exemplify innovation under the by Victoria Harley | illustrated by brittany schwarck pressure of necessity. VH: How about one? YCB: Well, for starters, how about the VH: Jesus. founder of the Yellow Cab Company? John YCB: You think I’m bad, you should read Hertz. our reviews. VH: What of him? “Cab shows up 30 minutes late to take YCB: On the one hand, it’s one of those me to the airport only to tell me he’s only immigrant success-stories that makes you accepting cash.” love what this country once represented. “The cab was filthy and the meter was On the other, it becomes one of those broken. There is nothing positive to say “bootstrap” tales, the likes of which often about our first and last experience distort our understandings of a common with this company.” immigrant experience. “Don’t even bother. Just find another VH: We’ve got the Godfather, Part II for company and avoid these people.” that. “The Yellow Cab Taxi Service is a joke.” YCB: Well, Hertz’s life reads like a Horatio “Company claims to be “24 hours” but is Alger novel. The son of Jewish migrants, only open when you make a Hertz arrived in America with his parents reservation prior.” and siblings in 1882. They eventually VH: While I’m sure many of those relocated to Chicago, when Hertz ran away complaints are justified, I think some people from home at twelve. get a little too drunk with Yelp power. VH: Why did he run away? On a warm spring evening, I rode my VH: Auto-tires maybe. The smallest customer service incident is YCB: According to John, it was after his bicycle out from the untamed asphalt of St. YCB: The principles are the same, even for transformed by the reviewer’s suddenly father gave him a particularly vicious Anne’s Hill, into the shadow of the shabby your puny excuse for vehicle. discovered narrative powers. We don’t need beating, which, he later admitted, he US Post Office building. As I passed rows VH: What have you got against bicycles? It’s the Epic of Gilgamesh to get the picture. “doubtless richly deserved”. of unmanned mail trucks, fenced in by a damn conveyance. YCB: Anger is a powerful motivator. VH: I like this kid already. rusted chain-link, the sun re-emerged from YCB: It’s a sign of the times. VH: Sure—but let’s focus on action. Not re- YCB: So he sold his school books for pocket behind the edifice, blinding my vision long VH: What isn’t? action. money, and went out into the city to find enough for me to roll my front wheel over a YCB: Taxi cabs. At least in this town. I used YCB: Easy for you to say. Your foundations a job. twisted nail in the street. The tire flattened to house dispatch and repair for the Yellow aren’t cemented to the earth. VH: At twelve? within a few rotations, and I found myself Cab Company. Until the last vestiges of VH: Come now. You’re no stranger to YCB: At twelve. He landed a job as a (momentarily) stranded before a flat- wealth fled the city limits. Can’t say I blame innovation. What’s happened within your copyboy at the Chicago Morning Herald, roofed brick building bearing a calm, clean them either. That income tax is a killer. walls since the failure of commerce? working in the evening, then roaming the message in Helvetica: “YELLOW CAB VH: But people call cabs. I’ve seen it. YCB: Well, not much at first. I embraced streets of Chicago, “as wild and untamed CO.” I hopped off the cycle, and upended it Drunks mostly. But still. the silence. You need to if you’re going to as the grass on the prairie.” I guess you call to inspect the damage. Reaching for a patch YCB: Believe it or not, there weren’t and make it. that “child labor” today. kit in my knapsack, I set about repairing the aren’t enough drunks to in Dayton to keep VH: Make it as what? VH: God damn it. At twelve this kid had a flat. the company alive. YCB: A monument. A landmark. Four life I aspire to at twenty-seven. VH: So we’ll start drinking more. walls and a roof. YCB: Well, eventually he left the newspaper Yellow Cab Building (YCB): Looks like it’s YCB: Much as I appreciate the gesture— VH: And garage doors—don’t forget those. racket and started driving a delivery wagon. going to take more than a patch. Dayton lacks what most cab companies YCB: Yeah, we had a couple pigeons making VH: And the seed is planted. Victoria Harley (VH): Oh? need to support their expenses. A Central nests in them. Then the Dayton Circus YCB: Yes, but it would take time to grow. In YCB: I mean, that’s what it looks like. From Business District. Without a strong central moved in. the years leading to his automobile career, here. core of commercial, professional, and VH: Could they fit it all? Hertz got himself involved in boxing, VH: … residential life, a taxi cab becomes as rare a YCB: It’s not an actual circus. It’s what (though he continued to make a tidy living YCB: Where’s your tire lever? You’re going sighting as a street performer. you call a creative collective. Traces of their from supplying the paper’s sports writers to need one. See? Look—every time you pull VH: When did the Yellow Cab Company peoples can still be found in listServs and with tips). The street-fights of his youth led it, you know what happens? close its doors here? online forums. Every year they put on the him to the squared circle, and soon he was VH: What. YCB: In the late ought’s. 2009 maybe? Who Sideshow. Appropriate to their moniker, it boxing under the name Dan Donnelly. YCB: Well, if you’re just going to get into remembers? To say that they “went out of keeps moving around, inhabiting whatever VH: That’s not much of a stage name. a tizzy— business” implies a short, merciful death. I forgotten space it can find. They kept life YCB: True, but it was a lot less Jewish- VH: Tizzy? watched helplessly as the operation slowly interesting for me, what with the musical sounding. Just like Tom Cruise sounds YCB: I was only trying to help. slipped into oblivion, one irate customer exhibitions, and visual concerts. Nowadays, better than Thomas Mapother IV, or VH: Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve got it. at a time. Gone are the days of suit-clad I’ve got an upstart magazine working out of Woody Allen better than Allen Konigsberg, YCB: Well, just as long as you don’t mind patrons and nights on the town. As the my walls. or Marion Morrison than John Wayne, or doing it wrong. garage doors raised less and less, wages VH: Upstart? Or Start-up? Jon Stewart than Jon Leibowitz. VH: You do a lot of bicycle repair? fell, as did the work ethic. A desperate YCB: A little of both I suppose. You need a VH: Better? YCB: I oversee a lot of repair. Or I did. I collection of miscreants shuffled people bit of both to survive these days. YCB: Snappier. I don’t condone it, but might not have digits, but I’ve seen plenty from airport gates and saloon doors to the VH: You’re telling me. Lawrence Zeiger Live may not have lasted of flat tires. many crumbling corners of this city. YCB: Of course, we like to say “these days” on CNN for twenty-five years. The point as if it were particular to only our time and

16| # weekly is some people still find it necessary to for over $1 million. it a donation, gratitude is embedded into assimilate. VH: Come again? the proposal itself. VH: Fair point. YCB: You heard right. Not exactly an VH: Could prostitutes steer clear of YCB: What were we talking about? easy profession for immigrants and urban solicitation charges if they accepted Southpaw VH: Hertz the pugilist. poor to break into. But plenty of creative donations? YCB: Ah yes. Hertz advanced from boxer to alternatives arise as a consequence of YCB: I think they already do. That’s the manager of boxers, until he met his wife. regulation. beauty of living outside of the law. You can VH: She wasn’t havin’ any of it? VH: What, like gypsy cabs? make any arrangement you want. YCB: None at all. That when he got into YCB: Some find the term “gypsy cab” VH: So what’s keeping all those California automobile sales. And did quite well. Well offensive. Mostly cab company owners. taxi cab companies from exacting vengeance, Toasted enough to use his boxing network to acquire Gypsy cabs, jitneys, dollar vans, share taxis, legal or otherwise? I hear those cab lobbyists and restore the failing Shaw Company. Most Amish taxis, Jeepneys, pirattaxi, white are a powerful group. White Bread of the profit came from trade-ins. Since cars cards, designated drivers, gray cabs—they’re YCB: True. From their perspective, little is to had only just begun to be mass produced, all names for the same thing. Creative be gained from allowing new competition. the used car business was in its infancy. action in response to structural forces. VH: Right, ‘cause then they might have to Hertz purchased used cars at pennies on Most illegal taxi operations work in under- lower operating costs, or improve quality. the dollar, when most automobile dealers served communities where city buses and YCB: Or innovate, or seek out niche considered trade-ins as something to avoid. taxi drivers fear to tread—usually poor markets. Yes, it does seem a bit bleak for the Grilled It was his experiences driving a delivery neighborhoods and immigrant localities, customer. And the cabbie. Hertz supported Buffalo truck that indicated a possible new use for or any place where the public has become regulation in his day. It only stands to the automobile—passenger delivery. disillusioned with mass transit. reason that incumbent cab companies Chicken VH: Smart guy. VH: August Wilson wrote a play set in a would continue the tradition. In those days, YCB: Tell me about it. The horseless age Jitney cab station—I think it was in Philly. the rivalry flared up between companies, began with motorized conveyance, and with Maybe Pittsburgh. I think I was one of four not business models. The Checker Cab the development of a distance meter, an white people in the audience. Company succeeded in uniting small and industry was born. “For first half mile, 30 YCB: Was the play any good? independent cab operations under one cents. For each quarter mile thereafter, 10 VH: Is any play? banner. The animosity between Checker cents. For each six minutes of waiting, 10 YCB: Just curious. You also see a lot of and the Yellow Cab Company escalated Mozzarella cents.” alternative cab options in developing to the level of hostility you might find VH: Adjusted for inflation? countries, usually for the same reasons. A between organized crime syndicates, street YCB: Roughly $7.11 and $2.37. Rate lack of reliable transit. In the Philippines, gangs, or mob families. During the twenties, construction is a bit more complex today— the Jeepney is so commonplace, it’s shootings between cabbies of opposing factoring in speed over distance travelled, practically a national symbol. companies were frequent. peak and off-peak hours, blah, blah, blah. VH: How is that different from a Jitney? VH: I’m sure prohibition had to have Hertz continued to make improvements YCB: Functionally, they’re the same—but compounded the situation. Organized crime to the service structure, particularly Jeepneys were the result of repurposing the of all kinds exploded after the Volstead Act. Sauteed after studying the success of the Parisian surplus of U.S.-made jeeps left over from YCB: Granted. The taxi war caught fire in cab industry. But what Hertz might be the Second World War. The locals stripped cities other than Chicago. I guess a lot of Red Onion remembered most for was having his cabs them down, turned the back seats into people wanted an excuse to go crazy. Hertz painted yellow. benches to accommodate more passengers, may have made too many enemies—he VH: Ah ha. We have a palette. added metal roofs for shade, and decorated regularly received threats on his life and, YCB: He wasn’t the first, and it wasn’t really them in bright and vibrant colors. in the latter part of the decade, his stables his suggestion. It all came out of a university VH: Sounds kitschy. were set ablaze by arsonists. Some eleven study to determine what color might be YCB: Kitschy, but nimble. They maneuver thoroughbred horses perished in the fire. most noticeable in a city. with greater skill than buses, though they VH: Now that’s some Godfather shit right Boars Head VH: Nice work if you can get it. probably pollute more. They’re sort of there. BBQ Sauce YCB: The Yellow Cab Company was known for belching smoke. YCB: Hertz sold his interests and moved successful in defeating the competition, due VH: And no one shuts them down? away from the taxi cab business. in large part to Hertz’s business savvy—but YCB: Enforcement of transit law doesn’t VH: Where did he go? also in part to his political clout. His close appear to be top priority at the moment. YCB: Into rental cars. You’ll notice the ties to Mayor Thompson led to the new Or maybe the governmental powers that be Hertz Company branding bears that same ordinances and permits designed to create decided to give in and grant them licenses. trademark yellow. The Yellow Cab Company a barrier to entry. That’s sort of what happened in California was re-distributed; its manufacturing arm VH: Remind me of my economics— last year. Or was it this year? sold to General Motors, and its brand Jason Watkins YCB: Basically, anything that discourages VH: Are you talking about those rideshare franchised in cities across North America. new competition from entering a market. companies? This building is one of them. Was one of It comes in many forms, but in the taxi YCB: Yeah—but they have an official them. business, Medallion Systems are the most designation now: Transportation Network VH: You’re still looking good. It’s just the pervasive. Companies. neighborhood that fell apart. VH: Medallions? That sounds secret-society- VH: It’s a mobile app, right? YCB: Thanks for saying so, but I know my like. YCB: Yes, but the critical innovation comes limits. I welcome the creative fringe while YCB: For all intents and purposes, it is. in their rate structure. There is none. it lives and breathes, but I am as helpless Medallions are the specialized permits cab Passengers don’t pay a fare, they offer a against these forces as you. drivers are required to purchase in order to donation. VH: Speak for yourself. This wheel is fixed. operate a taxi legally, and in accordance with VH: Gotta admire that honesty. the municipal transit authority du jour. YCB: It does seem like the term is catching VH: What does something like that cost? on. In an information economy, “charging” YCB: A few years ago, one sold in New York takes on a brusque connotation. By calling

# weekly |17 I Saw the best Minds of My Generation Destroyed...By Poop Live On Stage! M Ross Perkins | illustrated by adam eckley

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The following story is fictional. Any similarities sort of thing before. All of the players to persons, places, or actual events that transpired donned meticulously deconstructed outfits www.victoriatheatre.com on April 4th, 2014 are purely coincidental. and hairdos, and hammered away at chintzy instruments purchased by their parents LEADERSHIP SPONSORS I swear to God, this really happened. for birthdays or bar mitzvahs. To me, the Brady Ware The music that night was highly pompous and judgmental bon vivant, this WKEF-TV ABC22 ( ) questionable. Four ensembles of sneering, music all sounded the same. But I don’t PERFORMANCE SPONSOR 937 228-3630 filthy punk kids were on the bill, all of mean that they sounded the same in their Clear Channel Dayton GROUPS SAVE! Call (937) 461-8295 them emanating the classic paradox in compositions, chord structures, vocal www.BeautyAndTheBeastOnTour.com which loudly professed apathy weds blatant deliveries, and tonal qualities, although this criticism of style and taste. I had seen this was certainly true as well. I mean that all of

18| # weekly the songs shared a single common quality in was feces. Feces, feces, incomprehensible that they all managed to severely irritate me. feces. New At The Tavern I Saw the best Minds of My I drank gin that night. Bottom shelf gin, I don’t mean that someone had passed to be quite specific. And with every glass the a small, accidental pellet in a blush-worthy Generation Destroyed...By Poop bartender served me, I discarded the straws and forgivable “poopsy daisy.” I mean that Share a Pizza M Ross Perkins | illustrated by adam eckley and sipped cynically while staring empty- someone had released a furious cascade of eyed at the crowd before me. “They like liquid feces all over the dance floor and had this,” I thought to myself. “These people immediately fled, leaving us with a smell that actually like this.” The bands crunched could only be described as apocalyptically out digitally distorted power chords on noxious. The band, who only seconds prior Special Sandwiches the guitars and produced shrapnel-esque had been enjoying the creative pinnacle of rhythms on the drums that were somehow their aimless and anarchistic lives, literally Pizza & More both overplayed and underplayed. All the stopped playing in mid-chorus. In that instant, while, the singers practically fellated their aside from the humming of the amplifiers microphones while shouting atonally about and a low mumble in the crowd, the room girls and “the system” and other lofty, fell ominously silent. philosophically untapped lyrical concepts. The members of the audience, having Rev Roxy, Sat 2-6p I missed the 5 dollars that I had handed spent their entire earthly existences in to the door man badly and was regretfully an incubator of childish oblivion and imagining the Rally’s value meal it could Nintendo pacification, began to panic and Architecture & Design have netted me. But what came next (I believe) contemplate the tragic wastes transformed my admission into a much that were their shallow, petulant lives. I more valuable 5 dollar purchase than that watched as big, brown third-eyes opened Saturdays, April May 3-24 of any large combo, in hindsight. up on forehead after tattooed forehead and 10-11:30 am The crowd at this point was becoming the timpanis of O Fortuna struck again and Cost: $12 per session/ $40 for all 4 weeks raucously engaged by the music and again in the furor. Ages: 3-12 yrs. feverishly doled out violence and aggression The scene became instant pandemonium. towards one another. I sat at the bar, Grown women and men alike began Your child will learn about architecture looking on, mere moments from throwing screaming as each realized that they had and design with hands on building & all been “dancing” and moshing and my hands in the air and leaving without design projects, photography, drawing, saying goodbye to anyone, when suddenly stomping around in human excrement for I noticed that the crowd began to abruptly far longer than anyone would ever prefer. legos, boxes, eco architecture, product stop and look around confusedly at one Their shoes, the cuffs of their jeans, their design and more! Sustainable another. The once-enthusiastic audience bare ankles were awash with putrid muck Architecture & Design for our future. became silent and appeared highly and I finally felt that these people shared concerned, very much out of the blue. They a sentiment that I had possessed the entire began murmuring, holding their hands over time. As the agony took hold, one audience their mouths, and looking around the room member began profusely vomiting all over bewildered. I cocked my head and squinted, his emaciated girlfriend, and this set off a highly intrigued. Had they experienced chain reaction of heaving and even more some epiphany relating to the quality of this screaming. In mere seconds, three to four performance? Did they all remember that other individuals also began vomiting in they had promised their parents to start multiple corners of the room. I guffawed. turning in job applications in the morning? The band dropped their instruments and The reality, unbeknownst to me until just quickly exited through the stage door as moments later, was far more gratifying. if a pyrotechnic mishap had engulfed the Confusion set in. The bouncer, realizing ceiling. The bouncer meanwhile, with a that something was amiss and instinctively look in his eyes not unlike that of a soon- sensing that he was needed, dutifully to-be car crash victim, shouted through rushed into the crowd and began to waft expletives for everyone to leave the bar the horrible, nauseating odor that had so immediately. I sat in giddy disbelief, smiling effectively derailed the atmosphere. In a like a madcap lunatic and gazing as the mass panic, he hysterically shouted at the bar of defiled ne’er-do-wells pushed toward the manager to turn the lights on and, upon door, some of them crying, most of them newly found illumination, entirely grasped gagging, and all of them tasting the sting of omegamusicdayton.com the magnitude of the shituation. our wonderful universe. Everywhere the bouncer looked, there

# weekly |19

omegamusicdayton.com MOONSHINE By emily MENDENHALL

of my favorite recipes that I’m mixing with moonshine at Lily’s Bistro:

“Muses” Muddled cucumber 1.5 ounces 100 proof Junior Johnson strawberry moonshine .5 ounces fresh lemon juice .5 ounces simple syrup Urban Nights 2 ounces white rock soda Downtown Dayton/Oregon District Serve over ice, garnish with cucumber Wright-Dunbar Friday May 09, 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM “Skull Punch” aka the Lily’s Zombie 1.5 ounces white rum (I use Cruzan because A World A'Fair it’s way better and more affordable than Dayton Convention Center most mainstream light rums) 1.5 ounces dark rum (dark, not spiced) Friday May 16, 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM I’m no expert on moonshine. I have no ties 1.5 ounces grapefruit juice to Appalachia, and I first got acquainted 1.5 ounces orange juice with moonshine at a James Beard award- .25 ounces Cherry Heering or cherry winning restaurant in the deep south, circa liqueur 2010. We featured it on our drink list, and Float .5 ounces Ole Smokey 100 proof I’m not sure if that was for kitsch factor, White Lightnin’ moonshine tourist appeal, the pendulum swinging 2 dashes Bittermens Tiki bitters or away from complicated “pre-prohibition” Angostura bitters 5th Annual Big Brews and Blues era cocktails, or because it was different. Serve over ice, no garnish necessary for Diabetes These days, I find myself wondering if the

Carillon Historical Park moonshine trend has grown as part of the I feel like I should name my favorite Portlandia-watching/beard-wearing/new Friday May 16, 5:00 PM - 09:00 PM moonshines, but it would be unfair because folk-loving/American roots movement. they are generally unavailable in Ohio. Just And that begs the question: why do so many know that next time you’re sitting around of us find ourselves loving these things? Is it a campfire or a bar with moonshine, if about a draw to a simpler, seemingly more someone puts a mason jar in front of you, authentic time? you should probably drink it. I should probably leave those questions Fleurs Et Vin up to the historians and anthropologists. Carillon Historical Park Moonshine, at it’s heart, is either an illegal, Sunday May 18, 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM non-taxable spirit, or an unaged corn whisky. Regardless, I love moonshines that are good. As a bartender, I find moonshine to be fun to mix with and it provides a high- Dayton Jewish Film Festival proof base spirit. There’s also the service The Neon & The Little Art Theatre industry mentality of a beer and a shot Events Thru May 18th after one’s shift, but with moonshine, you get to upgrade that terrible well whiskey for decent tasting corn whiskey instead. I would generally say a fad has reached critical mass once it has become the subject of a program on the History Channel, but as I mentioned, I’m no great critic. I’m simply DaytonMostMetro.com a decent bartender who enjoys making drinks that I personally enjoy. Here are two

20| # weekly MOONSHINE By emily MENDENHALL

# weekly |21 DIY- No More Bloody Knuckles: Natural Weed Killer BY LISA PATRICK-WRIGHT

Step 1: Moisten the weeds with water.

We are back! Check our facebook to I have to be honest: a few years back, I used see where we will be! to use Round Up to take care of the weeds @Zombie_Dogz growing in the cracks between my brick patio. That was before I became educated on how messed up that solution is. So I zombiedogzdayton.com started hand pulling the weeds and it always Step 2: Measure 1 teaspoon of baking soda ended with bloody knuckles, once a month. and sprinkle it evenly onto the entire weed, Don’t get me wrong. Pulling weeds is great not just the center. Continue to the next therapy but it’s hell on the hands. Then I weed and repeat. discovered this way-easy method to get rid of unwanted weeds.... Step 3: Dump handfuls of baking soda over the tops of weeds growing in the cracks of driveways and sidewalks. Sweep any spilled baking soda on the driveway or sidewalk into the cracks.

Step 4: Re-apply the baking soda in four to six weeks if the weeds have not been completely eradicated.

Lisa Patrick-Wright Co-Founder/Program Director,Grass Roots Enrichment and Wellness Center 400 E. Fifth Street, Suite C. Dayton, Oh 45402 937-723-6747 Supplies: www.grassrootsenrichment.com Unwanted Weeds Baking Soda

22| # weekly DIY- No More Bloody Knuckles: TELEPHONE ADVICE Natural Weed Killer WITH MAMA CASS BY LISA PATRICK-WRIGHT Dear Mama Cass,

About a year ago, I decided to quit my On the other hand, if you are high-paying job that was, coincidentally, overemphasizing some of this woman’s sucking my will to live. I now have a less- character traits, perhaps you should take a demanding (albeit lower-paying) position step back. It seems as though you’ve fostered and I am pursuing my dream career as a a great platonic relationship with this guy. florist in my spare time. As a result of my Bringing someone into your home is a big life-changing choices, I had to put some of step and without romance existing between my indulgences on hold and cut expenses. the two of you to cushion some of the One of my measures included getting a inevitable fallout that comes with sharing roommate to help with bills. Upon the intimate space with another person, it can advice of friends, I was fairly rigorous in be friction-producing. Perhaps, you should my screening process and I’m lucky to have introduce some boundaries. landed a great roommate who has become a close friend. However, he has the worst Going from solo living to intense taste in love endeavors. Since he moved in, cohabitation can be jarring and after the he has seemingly gone through a Rolodex of luster of newness fades, petty issues can gutter snipes, landing upon the most sordid get lots of unnecessary attention. Are you disasters in the bunch. Mostly he conducts picking on his romantic follies to avoid other his tragic romances outside of our home but issues? Be certain that you have addressed his most recent debacle has wormed her way any and all problems that have arisen out into our house. He “loves her party girl/free of his presence in your home. It would be spirit vibe” but she is a lazy, filthy drunk and a shame if you confronted him about his I think she has been wearing some of my love life but you were actually upset about clothes. They smell like her nasty perfume. his laundry schedule or the way he wipes his Can I just forbid her presence in the house feet on the welcome mat or his habit of not without making him feel unwelcome, too? rinsing dirty dishes. Bear in mind that there is no problem with having open, honest --Burning Bridges discourse about relevant complications but if you pick apart his dating decisions only to Dear Bridges, discover a host of other complaints you’ve been hiding, you will become that nagging, Every Tuesday at Wow, that’s a lurid description you’ve nitpicky roommate that turns a happy home Toxic Brewery compiled for this interloper. If you are being into an unpleasant burden. 5pm-9pm utterly truthful, yes, yes, YES, kick her out and tell him he’s on dating restriction: keep Good luck! his love life separate from his home life. You Mama Cass Every Friday at should not have to suffer through his poor choices with him. 11am-2pm

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# weekly |23 TELEPHONE ASKS ...all the important questions

If you could be half human/half animal, what animal would you choose and why?

1. Ben Riddlebarger: 3. Lisa Patrick-Wright: I would be half human and half whale- but Spitting Cobra. No more waiting in lines! only one part of the whale- you can figure that part out.

TICK KECK TOE

2. Jacob S. Combs:omegamusicdayton.com 4. Mariah Gahagan: Half iguana, so I could disguise myself as Black bear. I would fatten up on fish and a human. berries, sleep all winter, and maul anyone that got in my way. Jacob S. Combs: I mean chameleon.

omegamusicdayton.com

24| # weekly Telephone’s phrasal template word game TELEPHONE ASKS ...all the important questions Hung Over Well, you did it again. Your plan to go out and only have ______beers number with ______turned into an ______all night event. Now it’s Sunday group of people adjective at ______and your ______neighbor’s eagerness to get out his time of day adjective ______and chain saw at 7:30 am is causing your massive ______noun body part ache to swell. However, if you follow these steps, you should be ready to hit the ______streets again in no time! As soon as you wake up it is adjective imperative to take a ______bowel movement. This will clear out all adjective of the ______in your ______from the night before. Then, eat as plural noun noun much ______and ______food as you can fit into your ______. adjective adjective body part Finally, take a shower. Even though you can’t ______yourself because verb your nasal cavities are clogged, you’re giving off a ______odor that adjective upsets the ______around you. There you have it; follow this plan and plural noun hopefully you will be ______again before noon! verb-ing TICK KECK TOE

Wednesday The Old Time Acoustic Jam with Rick Good and Ben Cooper Thursday Acoustic Thirstdays with Alex Speller Friday May 9th Hey There Morgan Saturday May 10th Puzzle of Light Friday May 16th Michael Locke Band

# weekly |25

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# weekly |27