Wholeness One Woman's Quest
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BreathingWhile Drowning One Woman’s Quest for Wholeness Veronica Strachan BreathingWhile Drowning One Woman’s Quest for Wholeness Veronica Strachan Breathing DROWNING Copyright © 2016 Veronica Strachan. Excerpts from The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness, Maureen Murdock, © 1990, Maureen Murdock. Reprinted by arrangement with The Permissions Company, Inc., on behalf of Shambhala Publications, Inc., www.shambhala.com. Excerpt from Keele Burgin’s blog, “Women,” Keele Burgin, © 2013, Keele Burgin. Reprinted with permission. www.keeleburgin.com. Some names in the journal entries have been altered to protect the privacy of certain individuals. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a qualified medical or other health professional, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your right, the author assumes no responsibility for your actions. ISBN: 978-0-6485134-0-7 (sc) ISBN: 978-0-6485134-1-4 (e) To my darling Strack—born at last. To my beautifu l children: Cassi, Angus, and Frazer— three more reasons to go on breathing and loving life. To my darling Sw eetpea Jacque lin e Bree— seed of my heart, a lways loved, a lways missed. Praise For Breathing While Drowning Megan Dalla-Camina, Strategist and Author of Getting Real About Having It All “Veronica is not only incredibly wise, with great wisdom to share, but she is incredibly brave. The way she shares her journey, in order that it may be of service to others, is courageous as much as it is kind. And it will indeed be of great support to others as they walk their own path.” Rachael Jayne Groover, Inspirational Speaker and Author of Powerful and Feminine “Veronica is a gifted storyteller with a message of courage and hope that opened my heart. This story will inspire other women to take courage in their own quest to feel, heal and reconnect to themselves.” Sue Howard, Artist “It is so beautifully, sensitively and honestly written. Lots of tissues, tears and smiles.” Corrinne Armour, Leadership Speaker, Trainer and Author “Veronica is an amazing woman, just as so many of us are (and don’t always realise). This book is an honest and inspiring account of her story. I do hope that it’s writing helped her healing, and it’s reading will help the healing of others.” vii Hafizah Ismail, Founder and CEO of Children of Jannah, and High Performance Coach “Breathing While Drowning is an essential companion to anybody who wants to heal from a significant personal loss, reconnect to their dreams and live a joyful life again. By drawing on her own experience of the death of a child, Veronica compassionately guides the reader through their ‘ocean of grief’ and frustration, to find more vibrancy, passion and enthusiasm, in their time, at their pace. A wonderfully inspiring and uplifting book!” viii Contents Acknowledgements......................................................................xi Introduction ............................................................................. xvii Part 1– Defining Moments ...........................................................1 Chapter 1: The Unremarkable Early Years ����������������������������7 Chapter 2: The Unaware Years ............................................21 Chapter 3: The Programme Years .......................................73 Chapter 4: The Closure and Descent ................................ 190 Chapter 5: The Years of Guilt, Shame, and Despair ���������� 214 Part 2– Finding the Feeling: Do You Remember How It Really Feels to Feel? ......................................................295 Chapter 6: Is This as Good as It Gets? ..............................297 Part 3– Where Do You Find Healing? .......................................305 Chapter 7: The Search Begins ...........................................307 Chapter 8: Coming Home ................................................348 Part 4– Searching for Connection ............................................. 359 Chapter 9: A Conscious, Purposeful Life �������������������������� 361 Chapter 10: And now? ........................................................ 411 Bibliography .............................................................................425 Acknowledgements If I thought a heartfelt thank you would suffice, I would wish all the people in my life—past, present, and future—thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would thank you for the colour and texture you have added to the rich tapestry of my memories. I would thank everyone I’ve met on my quest—allies and ogres alike. My journals were where I so often poured out my troubles, my angst, and my pain; my journals kept the things I couldn’t or wouldn’t share. So many happy experiences from the past twenty years are not recorded here; many good friends are not mentioned in these pages. This is, as all books are, only a part of the story. It’s the story of me and Jacqui, and it’s one that had to be told. I’m a different person than the one who wrote all those years ago, and I’ve done a lot of soul-searching about what to leave in and what to leave out. I know if I’d asked for help earlier and more often, many more people would have come to my aid. The journals don’t mention everyone who helped with Jacqui’s programme. I will be forever grateful for those fabulous people who turned up week after week and month after month to help with patterning, slides, reading, and games (and those who came when they could from far away or dropped off a meal to help). I wish to thank the following people (and please excuse me if I forget to mention you by name): Alison Hanniford, Andrea Farrugia, Anne Garvey, Anne-Maree Fitzgerald, Barbara Turner, Barbara Olanda, Barbara Wersching, Beth Donovan, Bronwyn Atkinson, Caroline Patton, Chris McGrath, David Graham, Dolores Stirling, Elaine, Elle Hall, Fran Sullivan, Fred Zeinstra, xi Gill Garth, Imelda Dunstan, Jacinta Collins, Jamie Patton, Janet Rickard, Jeanette Walker, Jenny Black, Jenny Garth, Jenny Shaw, Jodie Patton, John Meli, Julie Langtree, Katherine Morrison, Kay Jones, Kirsten Vandenberg, Leanne Haynes, Lisa Davenport, Loretta Conway, Lynn Molloy, Marg Knight, Margot Welsh, Marilyn Harnett, Mary Bretherton, Maryanne Bruce, Nick Patton, Noelene Ward, Nora Bailey, Pauline Graham, Peter Walker, Petra Puschak, Robert Black, Robin Drysdale, Robyn Angarano, Ronnie Zeinstra, Shirley Harry, Stewart Black, Sue Fox, Sue Howard, Sue Meli, Sue Mihailovic, Sue Patton, Sue Porter, Thelma Ronzio, Thelma Yourn, Tim Patton, Wally Vandenberg, and Yves Olanda. Of course, I also wish to acknowledge my dad, Alan Patton, Jacqui’s beloved Grandad, who always got one of her precious smiles no matter how she was feeling. Some people are born to care for children, and Judy Shapcott is one of those amazing people. She was tireless and compassionate in her care for Jacqui and the rest of the Strachan clan; she has a special place in our hearts and memories. Our paediatrician was a treasure we were lucky to have close by. She offered great support for Jacqui, Strack, and me. She was available when we needed her, and she was always calm. She supported our use of the Institutes programme, and she always treated Jacqui as an individual deserving of respect and care. There is a small group of people who always believed that I would write a book and kept the faith for the decades it took to get it done. Sue Howard is my oldest friend; we’ve been friends since we were small girls playing in neighbouring backyards in Pascoe Vale. Though she lives on the other side of the country at the moment, it feels as though no time has passed whenever we get together. There’s no need to explain; Sue knows my life story, and we just pick up the thread and go on knitting the tapestry of our friendship. Janet Rickard and I started nursing together almost thirty years ago, and she always told me I was full of stories and good at making stuff up. Janet, the next book will be fiction … maybe. xii Veronica (Ronnie) Zeinstra came into my life when Jacqui started her programme more than twenty years ago. And she never left despite all the craziness and grief. She is very persistent, brave, and compassionate, and I love her dearly. Even now, there are some days she can’t believe the adventures I get her into. Our latest is the Veronica’s Radio Show on our local radio station, 100.7 Highlands FM, where we discuss all things health and well-being. Lesley Thornton and I were going to write our books for NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago, but neither of us quite got there then. Ever since she waved at a woman she hoped was me from across the intersection at King and Collins Streets many years ago, Lesley has been a guiding force and good friend, always prepared to read a draft or share a glass of wine, to make plans or chat about our fraught health sector. I need to extend special thanks to Anne Smyth for teaching me to think deeply no matter how much painful unpacking was needed to do so. Yes, Anne, you did help make me who I am. Dr Cathy Balding is a force of nature, and I’ve loved being caught in the whirlwind since she persuaded me to take my first job in government.