The Undergraduate Magazine Published Independently at the University of Pennsylvania FirstCall Vol. IV, No. 15 | March 22, 2004 Tired of crosswords? Move over Atkins Penn undercover Battle of the Buck Try our BRAND NEW WORDGAME: Andrew Pederson reveals how to lose Brian Hertler reports the inside story Michael Patterson gives his two cents The Magic Anagram Square!! extra inches a few meters at a time. of fighting bioterror in West Philly. on campaign ad tactics. Page 6 Page 3 Page 8 Page 8 TIERRA ZERO: Facing Terror and its Aftermath in Spain

BY BRENDON HOUSER

OUR FACULTY DIRECTOR Spain’s sad history of terror attacks countrymen apparently did not, the PSOE’s surprise win prompted be meeting the Anglo-American interrupted my 9 a.m. class in and the resulting anticipation of as the opposition PSOE (Partido a Monday-morning pledge by José allies in the Azores for bonding Madrid last Thursday to tell us future attacks were inadequate Socialista Obrero Español) scored Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, the sessions, and his actual vision that we should call our families preparation for the shock that a solid victory over the ruling PP Socialist leader, to make good on for Spain remains unclear. The in America. My first thought was Spaniards felt on March 11th. (Partido Popular). his campaign promise to withdraw potential Spanish withdrawal that America had been attacked This profound shock reverberated Finding themselves the victims Spanish peacekeeping troops from from Iraq symbolizes a choice again, but I soon found out that through the weekend and on of Europe’s most horrific attack Iraq. The PSOE cannot turn back that Spain must now make with Spain had been the victim this Sunday produced a stunning since Lockerbie, Spaniards were the clock and rescind Spain’s respect to its relationship with the time. The terror had occurred election result that could have understandably disoriented. The blessing of the war, but it can rest of the world; it may continue shortly before eight o’clock. I had significant consequences for both terrorists slyly cited Spanish reevaluate and reconfigure Spain’s participating in international been eating breakfast at the time, Spain and America. support of the war upon claiming international relations. affairs alongside bigger powers, or and somehow I had managed to When my Spanish host responsibility for the 3/11 attacks, Following his party’s victory, it may attempt to isolate itself once walk two miles across town to mother, a staunch conservative, and thus they reinforced the Zapatero moved quickly to make again from the external world. school without figuring out what murmured on Saturday that Spain perception that Spain was attacked friends with British Prime Minister Any attempt at isolation will, had happened. might be safer under a socialist because Spain made itself a target. Tony Blair and announced his however, fail miserably. Although As I recalled seeing the live government, I appreciated the This perception was undoubtedly intention to maintain “cordial” it has not been on the front-burner television images after returning depth of Spain’s fresh wound. She a boon for the PSOE, which has relations with the United States. of international politics since from my 9 a.m. class at Penn on regained her composure prior to lambasted Spanish participation Unlike his predecessor, José the 1930s, Spain is, by virtue of September 11th, I realized that going to the polls, but many of her in the war from the outset. Indeed, María Aznar, Zapatero will not its culture and geography, a key

Continued on Page 4 IRON CAMERA To the Lovely Ladies of Atma: Rock On!! BY MICKEY JOU I HAD BEEN LOOKING for Atma’s satisfying. Kavita Ramakrishnan promotional flyers and promoters uses several different ways of on Locust Walk all year. I mean tying the music together, from the it. Ever since I went to see their animated “break-it-down” rhythm performance “Rice, Rice Baby” last section of “Hot Stuff/Too Good year and heard their mesmerizing to Be True/Knight Rider” to the blend of Southeastern Asian shared harmonic motives of “Silsila musical traditions and American Ye Chaahat Ka/ Waterfalls”. The R&B and rap, I have been waiting transitions remain genuine and to hear them perform again. If original and as interesting as the only they had copies of their songs themselves. performances for sale on CD! I Most of the selections guarantee they would make a lot performed, in fact, 10 of the 13, of money. are arranged by veteran singer/ The set up of this year’s “We arranger Ramakrishnan. It is to Don’t Need Your Instruments” her credit that the songs performed (and as an all-female a cappella are rhythmically compelling with group, they’re true to their word— a solid but creative take on the they don’t!) was similar to last harmony and a wonderful variety of year’s. They performed originally texture thrown in for good measure. BORIS SHOCHAT arranged songs and medleys In addition to her work behind from various sources of film and the scenes, her time on the stage popular music from both the States is equally something to behold. and Southeast Asia, showcasing Not only does Ramakrishnan Top 5 Musical Crimes Perpetrated fabulous vocal talents. It’s a have a rich, lusciously deep voice wonderful atmosphere—you can comparable to the British pop tell that the members of the group singer Des’ree, she’s also got a By Penn Masala on Friday:Go! are very close and really love what powerful stage presence. Listening they do. As a general rule, people to her singing “Too Good to Be BY JULIE GREMILLION like watching other people have True” was probably the highlight of fun. Needless to say, the energetic the concert for me. I HAVE SPENT the past two years avoiding a cappella crimes perpetrated by Penn Masala during their and spirited performance on stage performances like the plague for fundamental Friday night show: “Two Thumbs Up”. Her fellow singers are not to fulfilled the group’s promise at reasons. Penn has way too many a cappella groups, UNFORGIVABLE CRIME #1: THE SOUNDS OF be slighted! Following the sultry the beginning of the show, that and I take issue on face with groups who claim to SILENCE medley of “Hot Stuff/Too Good music ignites the passion, frees the perform pop music without accompaniment. But Let’s face it, guys. The only musicians who can to Be True/Knight Rider” comes imagination, and sends the soul after a recent good experience seeing my friend afford to put on a three hour show have at least Mehreen Hossain, who delivers flying. in Atma, I decided to indulge in another Hindi a seven albums of material or five opening acts. “Bole Chudiyan” with soaring cappella group—Penn Masala. I checked out their Scheduled at 8pm, the show didn’t actually start True, technical difficulties vocals, contrasting nicely with the cover of “Desert Rose” and was pretty impressed. until 8:19—bad form. Finally, Penn Masala decided did exit. There was a problem quiet, whispery delivery of Shivana Not to mention, these guys are legendary on campus, to grace us with their presence but then seemed with a small feedback on and Naidoo on the subsequent “Ishq so it can only get better from here! to spend a lot of time in the dark. They took a off through the show; the Bina”. Deepa Ravikumar stands I should have known better. couple minutes between each song to blackout the sounds are unbalanced with “Six out especially with her impressive Not only did my friend and I have to suffer with house, change positions, and drink a little water. I Underground” and “Hold Me, performance of “Hai Rama”. Here, three completely obnoxious guys sitting in front of realize it’s necessary to realign the members for an Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” to the both the vocal talent of Ravikumar us who drank Bud Light in Irvine Auditorium and arrangement, but we’re talking about nine people point where I can barely hear the and the arrangement prowess talked at full volume non-stop during the entire first here, not 40. Two minutes seems like an eternity in lead. Those minor problems aside, of Ramakrishnan complement act before we had the security guard escort them out the dark, particularly when it happens every four to this year’s show featured no fewer one another perfectly—the misty, of the building, but Penn Masala seemed to be one five minutes! The first intermission lasted at least 15 musical gems than last year. With blended opening really takes you really long interminable ballad, with the exception minutes, and the second act opened with a relatively some formal music background, to that place where the soul and of countless lights-out breaks. I wouldn’t consider long movie clip. When Penn Masala returned to the I especially enjoyed the seamless the imagination roam freely. The myself a High Fidelity snob, but I do have more than stage, they had changed nothing but their clothes. transitions between songs in the girl’s got skills—Ravikumar’s agile adequate experience with music and performing Why they didn’t have enough time to do that with medleys. It is one thing to arrange manipulation of the melody notes arts. So in Top Five style, I present the Top Five a transition, and quite another to make it musically interesting and Continued on Page 4 Continued on Page 7 PAGE 2 MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15

FirstCall Editorial Vol. IV, No. 15 | March 22, 2004 The Undergraduate Magazine SCHEDULING SCHIZOPHRENIA

Managing Editor For most people the third month of the year is col- dents to be in class on Fridays? Even if a student Jordan Barav lege sports heaven with both the NIT and the NCAA doesn’t object to the Friday factor on face, he would Editor-in-Chief basketball tournaments monopolizing the sports most likely object to meeting three days a week. Julie Gremillion pages. For students at Penn, March is the extreme We’ve been told some of the departments, Psych in Assistant Editor high that is spring break followed quickly by the ex- particular, are having trouble with departmental Robert Forman tremely stressful low that is registration. Who has meetings normally held on Tuesdays and Thursdays time to watch basketball when the entire next se- because professors who teach on those days nev- Columnists Editorial Robert Forman mester rests on the decisions you have to make? er make the meetings. By moving classes from the Roz Plotzker Never fear, sports fans, so few in-demand classes are TR schedule to a MWF schedule, professors are free How’s the Weather Down There? Brian Hertler being offered that you’ll have plenty of time to catch on those two days. Frankly, if professors are willing Writers every game. March Madness has taken on a whole to teach on Fridays when students aren’t willing to The first day of March and spring is just around Chan Ahn new meaning. be in class, they should just hold their departmental the corner. Temperatures will start getting Mickey Jou While we were perusing the timetable for fall class- meetings on Fridays instead. Daniel Nieh warmer, a weather reassurance for which we Michael Patterson es, we realized it only took us about 20 minutes as Even if we could find suitable two-days-a-week have all been waiting quite a few months. Andrew Pederson opposed to the normal four hours. Part of this may classes, we still had trouble deciphering the code While we all tend to love the Splendid Season Etan Rosenbloom have been because the editorial staff consists of two language of the course book. Some classes marked Lauren Saul that is Spring, we think some people are a little Seth Scanlon seniors who don’t have many requirements left any- A, which means taught in the fall, actually aren’t be- too eager to get there. We may appreciate the Anna Strongin way, but another part of it is due to the immediate ing offered in the fall, like Management 223 and Art steady fluctuations from 30 to 40 down to 25 up disqualification of any class title followed by “MWF”. History 284, which hasn’t been taught at least two Artists to 50 that indicate a coming break from winter, Boris Shochat We know very few students who actually enjoy tak- years in a row. How are we supposed to plan a course but we loathe the accompanying fashion that Stephanie Craven ing classes on Fridays, but rumor has it the College curriculum when courses we save room for never indicates a coming return to trashiness. is purposefully moving in that direction. More than end up in the timetable? Why don’t they just say: Layout Editor The thermometer barely nudges 45, and all Krystal Godines half the classes in the English department are taught “we’ll offer it when we feel like it, but don’t hold your of a sudden, girls in short skirts and sandals on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, while more breath.” Why must they tease us with the infamous are everywhere you look. We interrupt this Layout Staff than three-quarters of the classes in the Chemistry, “may or may not be taught every year” letter M? Andrew Milanez editorial for important news. We’ve just Anna Stetsovskaya Bio, and Physics departments fall on the hated three Scheduling has become the new Family Feud received word from confidential sources that day schedule. The History and Psychology depart- where students just pray the University survey says winter is actually not over yet. We will pass Business Manager ments are behind in the movement but increasing in “C! Taught either semester!” Maybe that’s why the Joseph (Trey) Hollingsworth on any information we receive confirming number every semester. University buffers registration with spring break and this shocking rumor. Please stay tuned. In Promotions Manager Why on earth does the College want to force stu- spring fling. Leah Karasik

Distribution Managers Jaqueline Hayward Marissa Sapega

Webmaster SOUND ADVICE Luke Iseman Julie Gremillion presents the old, the new and the diehard favorites. Contact Information 330 John M. Huntsman Hall 3730 Walnut Street In honor of a man who, during my lifetime, has been able to reinvent himself time and time again, I present a mini-tribute to , Philadelphia, PA 19104 a former member of and , a solo artist, and now lead singer of . (215) 898-3200 [email protected] RETRO REWIND IN STEREO EDITORIAL ADVICE “I Am the Highway” Web Site “Say Hello 2 Heaven” “Can’t Change Me” clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper Temple of the Dog Audioslave Chris Cornell Not just a tribute band but not just Fast-forward 14 years to a GQ’d Chris Fellow Cornell fans will criticize me Submissions a compilation, Temple of the Dog Cornell and his latest superpower for not choosing a Soundgarden song Email letters to the editors entered the Seattle scene in early 1990 project—Audioslave. Who knew such to finish off these highlights, but and guest submissions to as a united superpower of that excellent music could rise out of a aren’t selections like “Blow Up the [email protected]. would release one album only. The fusion of Rage Against the Machine Outside World,” “Black Hole Sun,” Students, please include members were all friends of Andrew and Soundgarden? After Zack De La and even “Jesus Christ Pose” too your school and class. Wood, creator of Malfunkshun and Rocha dumped Rage for an imminently obvious? Besides, it’s pretty rare for , who died of a failed solo career, Rage members Tom a guy to be enormously successful Editorial Policy First Call is a weekly commentary heroin overdose on March 19, 1990. Morello, Tim Commerford, and Brad with three different bands and still published at The Wharton School of the Fellow Mother Love Bone members Wilk joined Cornell. Insert typical have entertaining solo stuff. After University of Pennsylvania. First Call’s and , torrid new group moments including Soundgarden’s dissolution in 1997 due mission is to provide members of our later of , were sought by a lack of band name, Cornell’s ditch to growing differences, Chris Cornell university community an open forum for expressing ideas and opinions. To Chris Cornell, leader of the fledgling of the band for three months due to went off on his own and released the this end, we, the editors of First Call, Soundgarden and Andy’s roommate, to a dispute over record companies, and eclectic album Euphoria Morning in are committed to a strict policy of record together a few songs Chris had leakage over the Internet of the still 1999 and cited the opportunity a way not censoring opinions. Articles are written in the wake of Andy’s death. unnamed band’s early recordings. of experimenting with different studio provided by regular columnists and writers from the university community. Fellow future Pearl Jam members About a year and a half after their textures and styles. The album is pretty They are chosen for publication based and Mike McCready initial hookup, the band now called diverse as far as sound goes, but “Can’t on the quality of writing and, in the were also recruited to work on the Audioslave released its self-titled debut Change Me” seems to be a common case of commentaries, the quality of project, which resulted in one album to a tidal wave of critical acclaim. “I favorite and not a far cry from typical argumentation. Outside of the weekly editorial and other editorial content, no released in 1991. Along with “Reach Am the Highway” is the fourth single Cornell-esque crooning. The layering article represents the opinion of First Down,” “Say Hello 2 Heaven” was one off the album and currently riding the of vocals and backup echoes are what Call, its editorial board, or individual of the first songs written by Cornell in radio waves to stardom. Audioslave add a different dimension to this song, members of First Call other than tribute to Andy. Though perhaps not is a phenomenal album that includes and a chord change mid-song with the author. No content in First Call unless otherwise stated represents the as popular as the first single “Hunger hits “Show Me How to Live” and “Like a diminished accompaniment really official position of the administration, Strike,” which features both Vedder a Stone” as well as the leadoff single makes it interesting during the bridge. faculty, or student body at large of the and Cornell, “Say Hello 2 Heaven” is a “Cochise”. Reminiscent of Cornell’s My favorite part is the chorus where Wharton School or the University of brilliant showcase of Cornell and his sliding vocals in “Say Hello 2 Heaven”, three Chris’s all sing at once in weird, Pennsylvania. signature style. Though we might wish “Highway” is reflective of “Like a Stone” echoing harmony. What could possibly for a reunion of these gods of rock, and definitely mellower than the hard- be better than three Chris Cornell’s at they represent a once in a lifetime hitting “Cochise”. If you don’t have this the same time? expression of grief and loss; appreciate album yet, you are sorely lacking. it for its scarcity and its meaning. Trust me, it’s well worth a listen. MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15 PAGE 3 Graded Fridge Distance Diet How far will you go for food? BY ANDREW PEDERSON AROUND THE WORLD, citizens of the The low carb diet is not without merit. of people are only dimly aware of the exis- Fridge Distance Diet Technician will place United States have the unsavory reputa- Carbs should comprise roughly 60 percent tence of such a thing as a carb, much less the fridge subtly further from the dieter. Af- tion of being fat, loud-mouthed and ob- of a normal diet and provide most of the en- what a carb actually is. How many people ter the first few days, the dieter must walk, noxious. Sadly, none of these stereotypes ergy that the body burns at any given time. actually know how many carbs they burn run or crawl distances of up to 300 meters is an exaggeration. According to the Cen- Low carb diets work simply by depriving the in a given day? How many calories? How for their daily bread. In a manner of weeks, ter for Disease Control, 64 percent of adults body of its main source of energy and forc- does this translate into actual quantities of a person begins to travel distances of up to in the U.S. are either overweight or obese. ing it to feed on its already existing stores of food? Thanks to the recent shortfalls in seven miles for a single meal. The trick of Though there is no statistical information tissues. In theory, that should be a person’s public education, not many people have the the diet lies within a table of scientifical- available, there could easily be a shock- fat deposits, but after fat is exhausted at a slightest clue, and marketing departments ly determined Fridge Distance variables ing, but as yet undocumented, percentage given site, rather than import energy from in food corporations everywhere are having which gradually and effectively increases of U.S. adults who are both fat and annoy- fat storage else- a field day cheat- the amount of exercise per meal. In time, ing, exemplified in such entertainment su- where, the body ing blubbery the diet both burns calories and builds valu- perstars of porn and daytime infomercials is more apt to housewives with able muscle tissue and aerobic health. As as Anna Nicole Smith and the late Rosanne begin consuming their worthless an added bonus, loquacious dieters like Barr. (If she’s not dead at the time of publi- the local available low carb inven- Anna Nicole Smith are unable to say any- cation, just give her a few minutes.) Curi- muscle tissue. In tions. thing as they stuff food into their mouths ously, though information and research re- all honesty, the The plan that between gulping breaths after a weekend garding the dangers of obesity and the ease main theory be- I would pro- ten-miler. of its prevention has been piling up steadily hind the low carb pose, however, To those doubters who will call my diet for years, Americans go about their weight diet is sound. Mr. responds to the reckless conjecture, I honestly ask: is chas- problem exactly as they do any other defi- Atkins, before shortfalls of the ing a refrigerator any stupider than count- cit: ass backwards. he cracked his low carb trend ing anonymous units in food just so one can This complete lack of sense towards a skull open on an with simple folk eat ten pounds of it with little or no guilt? serious and disgusting problem is repre- icy sidewalk and wisdom. Before While there is no doubt that my diet re- sented perfectly in the recent “low carb” spilled his diet- there were nu- quires more sacrifices and a greater will to diet fad, which has affected beer and fast ing genius into tritionists, there eliminate the scourge of Anna Nicole Smith- food advertising in equal measure. The low a gutter, was no was merely back ness, the end certainly justifies the means. point came sometime late last year, with the fool; cutting carbs breaking labor, It will be a great day when we can stand as advent of a “low carb” bread. Personally, I from a person’s diet without question will and in those countries where subsistence one nation under our own power and look had thought one could do no worse than have a slimming effect. No matter how ef- agriculture is an institution and fried pork is halfway decent out of sweat pants as we marketing a hamburger with no bun, but fective, however, in essence, a “low carb” still a food group, few suffer from an Amer- realize that we are entitled to something selling low carb bread is like selling fat free diet is just one step shy of a “no food” diet. ican-style weight affliction. Rather than better then ten bags of low carb Funyuns lard; the only thing more idiotic than the Any diet only guarantees with any certain- complicated and aggravating restrictions washed down with a case of Michelob Ultra. concept is the actual product. As well, the ty the prospect of controlled malnourish- on food, my diet relies instead on the time- Stand up, America. Have a nice run to your fact that the mentally unbalanced Suzanne ment, not actual progress towards physi- tested institution of physical exertion, made fridge, eat and enjoy your food, and quit Somers is now considered a diet guru pro- cal fitness, so while you will indeed shed convenient through an ingenious gradua- making beer taste shitty for the rest of us. pels my disquiet towards alarm. For the pounds as your body literally consumes it- tion of exercise and will power. I call my in- good of the nation, then, I will, in this very self, your overall health does not stand to be vention the Graded Fridge Distance Diet. article, shed light on the faults of the trendy improved in the slightest. In the Fridge Distance diet, one can eat low carb diet and go so far as to propose the Another serious problem with cutting anything he pleases, so long as it’s stored latest, most nutritionally advanced and po- carbs, in addition to exposing one to all in or around the general vicinity of the re- tentially greatest weight loss strategy of all manner of brainless products advertising frigerator. At first, the fridge remains in Andrew Pederson is a freshman in the College. You time. an absence of carbs, is that the majority its usual place, but day by day, a certified can write to him at awl@sas. PAGE 4 MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15 EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS

BY ANNA STRONGIN And the girth goes on PEOPLE FIND WAYS to screw themselves did not lose weight. chewed, low-fat, low-calorie food per sitting. great way to encourage healthy eating early over really early in their lives. It’s amazing. Stories such as these are extremely frus- Anything more would induce severe vomit- on, and I definitely commend such policies. The emergence of gastric bypass surgeries trating to read because they show how often ing, diarrhea, and other complications. For They can, however, only take us so far. At performed on teenagers seems to confirm people neglect their own well-being, endan- us, those are usually side effects of one too the end of the day, children leave school and this fact. The numbers may not be huge— gering their health by choice. Reaching a many shots or one too many food cart sand- venture into a world filled with fast food res- only 28 such procedures were performed in weight that exceeds all norms is absolutely wiches. For those who undergo the surgery, taurants and calorie-laden snacks. The only 2001—but that the number is greater than unacceptable, especially in families with a they are daily guarantees. thing that can prevent kids from succumb- zero says a lot about our society. It appears history of obesity. Parents should be particu- As a relatively quick solution that is both ing to such temptations when they are im- that people have no control over or regard larly careful about the way they raise their emotionally and physically difficult, the mediately present is a general mentality that for their own bodies. Family history is not children in such households, paying special surgery seems like the perfect solution for healthy foods and exercise are good. an acceptable explanation for the propor- attention to the eating habits that they instill younger people, who lack the life experience Otherwise, children growing up to be tions that some individuals develop. While and the level of physical activity they encour- and patience of older people. They make the unhealthy adults and even teenagers will it is true that genetics are in part responsible age. After all, children learn by watching and decision to operate without fully considering find themselves with an ultimatum, like the for making some people larger than others, develop behaviors based on what they are the consequences and then find themselves girl mentioned earlier: surgery or death. anything beyond “larger” is the consequence taught. It is the parents’ responsibility to en- adjusting to the permanent inconveniences They will be stuck with having to undergo a of the lifestyle they lead. courage their children to incorporate activi- and limitations they did not take into ac- procedure for which they were not fully pre- I truly doubt that those who ultimately ties such as sports into their daily routines, count prior to surgery. pared. Their bodies, still in growing stages, have to resort to a gastric bypass lead a to choose healthier food options, and to curb The children should have been able to may be impacted by the drastic nutritional healthy way of life prior to the surgery. the amount of time they spend inactively lead a happier life without the operation. changes and not optimally develop. They will Rather, they usually engaged in compulsive eating and sitting. Weight awareness is everywhere, from forever have to deal with the restrictions and eating and snacking and maintained a very This may sound harsh, but better this movies to magazine covers to grocery store limitations the surgery brings, along with its inactive existence—as admitted by some of than undergoing an operation that will de- shelves. While ignorance cannot be claimed remarkable results. the teenagers who ultimately had the surgery mand drastic and permanent lifestyle chang- as a factor for the unhealthy lifestyle which Personally, I think it is a lot better to performed. As a result, being overweight es—changes that these teenagers neither leads to the kind of obesity that endangers force moderate restrictions on yourself than turned into obesity, which turned into mor- comprehend nor are able to handle. one’s life, the lack of desire and a lack of con- to have drastic ones forced upon you. bid obesity, which in turn brought on signifi- How many of us could subsist on skin- trol are plausible explanations. cant health problems. less chicken breasts, water, and absolutely no To combat these problems, the govern- I came across a story of a girl who got alcohol? This is the diet regimen these teen- ment created policies conducive to helping the surgery at the age of 16. After she began agers are bound to for the rest of their lives people lead healthier lifestyles. State deci- experiencing mild heart attacks, her doctor since their stomachs—reduced to the size sions to take vending machines, junk food Anna Strongin is a sophomore in the College. You told her that she had only a year to live if she of an egg—can only handle a cup of well- and drinks out of school cafeteria meals is a can write to her at astrongi@sas.

policy, he should stay the course in Iraq so that he might have tumultuous centuries in which it transformed from a world TERROR IN SPAIN some chance of convincing President Bush to modify current power into an underdeveloped corner of Europe. It has not and future policies. Spaniards expect Zapatero to protect yet reached equilibrium among its various relationships in Continued from PAGE 1 them from external danger, but he will be ill-equipped to North America, Latin America, Europe, and the Arab world. bridge between Europe and both Latin America and the provide protection if he withdraws Spain from the world I have talked to many Spaniards who just want to run away Middle East. Spain can certainly fade into the background stage and leaves his country hostage to others’ decisions. and hide after last week’s attacks, but their historical reality more easily than America or Britain, for example, but al- Americans, too, should hope that Spain does not abdicate precludes that option. Zapatero must carve Spain a niche Qaeda’s broad spectrum of targets in the United States, its role in international affairs. As we debate foreign policy in which it is comfortable and from which it may carry Indonesia, Turkey, and elsewhere indicates that Spain will ahead of the November election, few of us can deny that the its weight on the international stage. A week ago, most remain a potential target even if its relationship with the military vacuum in Continental Europe is a serious problem. Spaniards doubted that he was fit for this task, but for their United States is merely “cordial.” Not only do our extensive defense obligations there distract sake and for ours, we should hope that their abrupt change Thus, Spain should remain active in world politics. In us from defending America, but the Continent’s impotence of heart last weekend will prove serendipitous. Meanwhile, particular, it should reject the notion of withdrawing from robs us of potentially valuable allies. A strong and proactive we must continue praying that the terrorist atrocities cease. Iraq. If Zapatero follows through on his threat to withdraw, Spain could set a good example for its European neighbors, he will forfeit any chance he might have of influencing the who are neglecting their global responsibilities. Brendon Houser is a junior in the Huntsman program. You can outcome of the occupation. If he disagrees with American Spain has only recently begun recovering from a couple of write to him at houserb@wharton.

UNFORGIVABLE CRIME #3: NO ONE they all sounded extraordinarily similar. If just needs a guitar and a keyboard, not to CRIMES KNOWS it weren’t for the waits between each song, mention a cool, unusual voice. Don’t fret; Continued from PAGE 1 It is an unspoken cardinal rule that if a I wouldn’t have been able to tell where one Penn Masala aren’t the only ones to make performing arts group is going to hand out ended and the next one began. As it is, I this mistake. Some a cappella groups on a five minute intermission and the long clip a program, it must not only introduce the could only differentiate the English ones campus devote themselves to rock and pop is beyond me. With so much downtime, participating members to the audience, but because I knew them. It’s not that they music. A friend played Off the Beat’s CD the show felt very sluggish and tiring, also give some sort of schedule and track didn’t perform the songs well; it’s that for me tonight, and I really admired and understandable since it didn’t actually end listing. Penn Masala’s program scored on hearing the same type of song over and over appreciated their pure vocal talent even until 11:15! Speed it up, fellas! Try singing the first count, sometimes giving far too became really boring. The only saving grace though I had to skip through two-thirds two songs in a row. much information, but failed miserably on was the extremely talented way in which of the songs after 10 seconds. Poor Kurt UNFORGIVABLE CRIME #2: WIDE OPEN the second. Neither the opening act nor they spliced English ballads with Hindi Cobain must roll over in his grave every time SPACES the guest act was mentioned by name, and ballads. I’m already tired of typing the word someone plays Off the Beat’s rendition of In the world of music, essentially two the song schedule for the evening was either “ballads,” so they must be tired of singing “Heart-Shaped Box.” Frankly, I think he’s types of artists exist: stadium artist and club invisible or non-existent. Sure, musicians them! What I liked about Atma’s show was lucky he didn’t actually have to hear it. artist. Bruce Springsteen and Britney Spears rarely release a track listing before the show, that each song was somehow unique: even Now, I’m not saying Penn Masala are don’t play Electric Factory, and Flickerstick but they don’t hand out programs at the door if I couldn’t understand the words, I could terrible. It’s always the sad case that when and The Vines don’t play Wachovia Center. either. I, for one, like to know where I am on distinguish tempos, rhythms, harmonies. I you have a built-up reputation, anything A cappella groups are club artists who don’t the agenda and the title of a particular song. couldn’t begin to distinguish Penn Masala’s less than meeting inflated expectations play big venues because they don’t sound If Penn Masala were going to spend so much songs…even if I had the elusive song list. seems like a tragedy. It takes guts to sing right and aren’t larger than life enough money on what was clearly a pricey brochure, UNFORGIVABLE CRIME #5: WHILE MY in front of 2,000 people; it takes even to manage a huge stadium. Seeing Penn then they certainly could have condensed GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS more guts to sing “Livin’ on a Prayer” in Masala in Irvine was like seeing Sheryl the unnecessary personal information and Alas, it’s the most frequent and thus front of anyone but the bathroom mirror. Crow at the Vet. I was pretty sure there was squeezed in a little more info about the show. unforgivable error of a cappella groups: Honestly, some of their songs were really some singing and movement going on, but I was informed afterwards that Penn Masala conquering the rock song. Why on earth enjoyable—particularly the Alumni song it wasn’t exciting enough to get me really never gives a track listing because they tend intelligent, capable people who clearly enjoy they sang with all the old members and involved in the show. Irvine may only seat to sing a lot of the same songs every year. Go a genre built around a guitar and a set of the closing song “Where Is the Love?” by between 1800-2000 people, but the stage figure. drums would ever try to recreate the song Black-Eyed Peas, which was a collaboration is massive. Nine guys with mike stands in a UNFORGIVABLE CRIME #4: STAIRWAY with people pretending to be a guitar and with a couple guys from Excelano Project. I semi-circle didn’t really command the stage TO BALLAD HELL drums via “ba ba ba” and “zhoon zhoon sincerely believe the Penn Masala guys are or the audience and got boring after a while. Now, I love a ballad just as much as zhoon” escapes me. I hesitate to name the very talented people. They’re just talented Even if they were really getting involved in the next person, but unless I’m recently artist they covered because you’ll cringe in people who made a few bad choices. What I the music, we couldn’t really tell from our out of a relationship or just feeling morose, horror when you read it. Bon Jovi. [Wince.] enjoyed about the Atma show was that they position about halfway back on the left side. I can only take so many at one time. The “Livin’ on a Prayer.” [Cringe.] Some songs were the most alive during the South Asian When the dance troupe from Georgetown problem, unfortunately, is that some pop/ just don’t translate into a cappella, and songs they sang, and their enthusiasm and performed, they used the entire stage in rock ballads tend to translate really well “Livin’ on a Prayer” must be on the Top 100 activeness made the music come alive for constant movement with about 20 people into a cappella and become prime targets. list. Even Richie Sambora uses his electric the audience. If Penn Masala had varied the in bright, colorful costumes. Talk about Some of the English choices tonight were guitar and a mouth tube Peter Frampton- selections a little more and shown a bit more energetic and involving! A cappella is an “With or Without You,” “One Love,” “Here style to produce the funky reverberated excitement, perhaps the audience would art form reserved for more intimate settings. Without You,” and “Desert Rose”. Frankly, “Whoa whoa”. How does a human beat have been able to feed off their energy. Or, Why not choose a smaller venue but host I liked all of them, and I thought leader box do it? They don’t. The other really bad they could always sing behind the curtain more shows like Atma, who delivered a far Indranil Guha did a great job capturing the choice was the pop/rock group Maroon 5. while GU Juwani performs on stage. That better experience? Unfortunately, I’ve been scratchy, throaty vocals of Sting and Bono. [Wince.] “This Love.” [Cringe.] When would have definitely made the three-hour informed by a knowledgeable friend that I actually prefer Indranil’s “Here Without you hear the real version of this song, you show worthwhile. Penn Masala loves playing Irvine because of You” to Three Doors Down’s version! But feel like dancing around the room, but the inherent prestige and power it insinuates. those were only the English ballads; I lost when you hear Penn Masala’s slightly slower Someone’s ego needs to be pricked. count of all the Hindi ballads. Maybe I’m version, you kind of want to take a nap. It’s Julie Gremillion is a junior in Wharton. You can wrong and there weren’t that many, but not entirely their fault, either! The song write to her at gremillj@wharton. MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15 PAGE 5 The Hunt for the Perfect Prophylactic

BY ROZ PLOTZKER

A few weeks ago my friend and I met on South Street. vent HIV, kind of the same way that spermicide prevents HIV. However, condom depot has not stopped selling I know it sounds cheesy, but we decided to meet in the pregnancy (don’t get too excited, it won’t be ready for condoms with spermicide on them. Condom Kingdom, only because it would be easy to find. a few years), and so I asked around about what types At work they don’t have condoms with frills, Magnums I swear. She wasn’t there when I arrived, and so I stood of condoms we offered to participants. “What about big for the research being the exception. They’re too expen- around in the store and looked at everything they had to ones?” I asked. I accepted the smirks that preceded sive to give out since the average price for a 12-pack of offer for 15 minutes or so. A few people came up to me “Yes, we used to have Magnums, but since the study was specialty condoms is $15. On the website there was a to see if I needed any help, as though I wasn’t sure if I over, we’re out.” The conversation in my office prompt- slight discount, but after shipping, you only save a buck should serve the penis noodles or the boob pasta at the ed us to do internet research on what was out there. This or two. So in general, the most economical option is to next dinner party I planned to host. I gave in eventually, settle for the standard. and ended up talking with one of the employees stocking But for the J’s, who aren’t in Wharton, being econom- condoms about how they’re organized. ical is not a top priority; sexual satisfaction is worth a Have you ever thought about how complicated it buck or two. After I showed Jill the website, she got her- would be arrange those suckers? What do you think self to a Rite Aid and indulged in a box of Pleasure Plus- about first? Brand? Size? Flavor? Is there a wall purely for es, ranked among the top 10 best reviewed condom ac- the pleasure enhancing ones? What would you do with a cording to the C.D. reviewers. What a job. condom that’s both, say, strawberry and extra large? Just I don’t know the details of how it worked out for Jack like coffee, sometimes I wonder why they need to be so and Jill, but I can tell you that the packaging was excel- specialized. lent: squares with blue swirls inside a shiny silver case, I bet that in the back of the store they have a three so you can have sex in style. It looked like the kind of ring binder with an anal-retentive system about what condoms you buy for prom night. I would have used a goes where. They’re probably really strict about it, like couple of strips to decorate my room, but that wall paper the people who set up the salad bar at the 1920s com- would be extravagant–not to mention suggestive. Guess mons and freak out if you accidentally spill some tofu I’ll just stick to my ice-skating waiter poster. into the lettuce. Today, I found out that during spring break a con- Two friends of mine who wish to remain anonymous, dom representative came to work for a presentation, so I’ll call them Jack and Jill, have been struggling with and I’d missed it! You can imagine my disappointment. contraception ever since they decided to start having I felt like an alcoholic who’d missed happy hour. Not to sex. They decided to use male condoms as their meth- fret, my thoughtful coworkers saved me a sampler, or as od, but at first it didn’t work out well. Jack is, as Jill ex- is where I discovered the Sex Protection Mecca site, Joy called it, a party pack: five different fancy condoms plained it to me, “well-endowed” (poor Jill). Condoms be- www.condomdepot.com. Check it out. It’s incredible. (a Durex Maximum, Durex Her Sensation, Crown Skin came a pleasure barrier as well as a baby barrier. There are TWO search options, by brand or by style. It Less Skin, one in a sleek black packet, and a red one) Tim, my wise grad student neighbour revealed the opened my eyes to the array of condom features: Extra and four different lubes. My favorite part is that each logic behind the problem: the rim at the base cuts off cir- head room! Textures! Colors! Stronger! Bigger! Thinner! was made in a different country. They’re international, culation sometimes, especially if it’s too tight. You lose Snugger! Harder! Faster!... Ok, I’m getting carried away. fabulous. Now I have a birthday present for Jack. I’m al- blood flow, you lose feeling, you lose everything, and the The climax control style was new to me. Inside the latex ready toying with what to write on the card. “You can’t entire operation flops. there’s a desensitizing that allows the man to last longer. have a birthday party without the balloons.” It sent the J-team on a condom crusade: the search for “These condoms are ideal for those that get a little too the proverbial holy grail, the perfect prophylactic. excited way too early,” explained the website. “What man I got to thinking about their dilemma. I work at a cen- doesn’t?” said LeRue, rolling her eyes. ter for HIV prevention, and it felt like a slap in the face to The only thing the website didn’t sell was spermicide, realize I didn’t know everything there is to know about which has been under a close watch lately because it condoms. So I took the question to the office. My group turns out that the active ingredient (nonoxyl-9) can dam- Roz Plotzker is a junior in the College. You can write to her at just finished working on a study with gel that could pre- age vaginal tissue, making women more susceptible to rosalyn@sas.

Global Health & Security in the 2nd Nuclear Age – 25 Years Later Conference April 3rd, 8:30 AM – 5:00 PM, Meyerson Hall

Twenty-five years ago, Philadelphia Physicians for Social Responsibility (PSR) held the first of a landmark series of conferences to address the global risk of the nuclear arms race and the medical and health effects of nuclear war. The format was replicated in major cities and medical centers across the United States. The PSR message was clear and widely acknowledged, “Nuclear weapons cannot be used. A nuclear war cannot be won and should never be fought.” The importance of this work was acknowledged in 1985 when PSR as the U.S. affiliate of IPPNW, International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, a quarter of a century later, with the U.S. as the world’s major superpower, the stability and security of the U.S. and the world is threatened in a more complex, yet no less dangerous way. We are confronted with issues of preemptive war, weapons of mass destruction, terrorism and anti-terrorism, new nuclear weapons development and proliferation, environmental hazards, a renewed Strategic Defense Initiative for the Finally, get some good militarization of space, and disregard for international conventions. “Global Health & Security in the 2nd Nuclear Age,” a 25th Anniversary conference sponsored by PSR and Business Leaders for Sensible Priorities, will address questions food with your meal plan. of national and individual security in the post-Iraq-war period with particular attention to the risks of nuclear weapons development and proliferation. Related issues of Introducing the Philly Meal Plan! With tons of public and international health, responses to terrorism, environmental health, energy policy, foreign policy, civil liberties and the allocation of economic resources will also merchants, you can now get an off campus be addressed. What can we do? The role of the people in influencing national and meal plan where you can eat, have your parents international policy will be highlighted. add money, and eat some more. The difference There will be two keynote speakers. Jonathan Schell is the peace and disarmament correspondent for The Nation and is the Harold Willens Peace Fellow at the Nation between this and on campus meal plans is that Institute. As one of America’s leading political thinkers, he will discuss the danger of the food is yours to choose! military power and the need for non-violent solutions to geopolitical conflict. Joseph Call us and find out the details; your stomach Cirincione is Senior Associate and Director of the Non-Proliferation Project of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. He is an expert on weapons of mass definitely won’t regret it. destruction and arms control and security issues, and teaches at the Georgetown Philly Meal Plan: 866/512-DINE University Graduate School of Foreign Service. William D. Hartung, President’s Fellow at the World Policy Institute at the New School, will also speak. The speakers panel will also include other nationally and internationally recognized scholars: doctors, economists, scientific journalists, and sociologists from organizations including the World Health Organization, the Center for International Policy, and the Harvard School of Public Health. The 15th Annual PSR Achievement Award Dinner, honoring Philadelphia Inquirer journalist Trudy Rubin, will follow the program.

The conference will be held on Saturday, April 3rd, 2004, at Meyerson Hall at the University of Pennsylvania, 210 South 34th Street, from 8:30 AM until 5:00 PM. Registration and lunch: MDs and professionals - $100; Public - $50; Students - $20. Contact info: 215-765-3771; [email protected]; www.psrphila.org. PAGE 6 MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15

ANAGRAM MAGIC SQUARE Find an anagram for the 5-letter word in each box. The anagram will answer one of the clues. Put the number of that clue into the small square and write the anagram on the dash. The numbers in each row and column will add up to 65. Write the first letter of each anagram on the cor- respondingly numbered dash at the bottom of the page; and, presto!, the Anagram Magic saying will appear. To start you off, we have put in one anagram and its clue number and set its first letter on the proper dash at the bottom of the page.

1. Played a part 14. Treasure SWEAR ATOLL REVEL GIRTH FINER = 65 2. Maverick 15. British county 3. Crowbar, e.g. 16. —— and blood STEEN SHELF CAGER OUTER RANGE 4. Fantasy 17. Summarize = 65 5. Fury 18. Speak in public 6. Correct INERT MADRE CRAPE VERNE PICOT 19. “Murphy Brown” role = 65 7. Pastoral poem 20. Goods 8. Saltpeter 21. Muslim religion VOTER PARSE MAILS LOREN OATER 9. Prayer before = 65 22. Taut dinner 23. Makes well 10. Trunk tire CADET LEASH HEIRS SLIME DILLY 24. Deduce 1 = 65 11. Subject

ACTED 12. Mete 25. Courage

= 65 = 65 = 65 = 65 = 65 13. Itinerary

—–A —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– —– 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

Copyright © 2004 by Penny Publications, LLC www.pennypress.com MARCH 22, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. IV NO. 15 PAGE 7 BEST BETS 3/22 - 3/28 ATMA Rob Forman’s picks for the week Continued from PAGE 1

is similar to the coloratura style of However, the choreographer has a MONDAY: Cracking Up (FO X, 8: spilling the secret (unless you can singers in the Western opera tradition. great sense of space, and the dancers 30 PM) laughs out “Panic House” guess from the info). This show, af - But instead of the ostentatious nature have a solid handle on the wooden for my first recommendation of what ter a few truly clichéd episodes, has of the opera singers, Ravikumar sings swords, beautifully expressing the inevitably become FO X week. The found its niche and reached a creative in such a way that the music is tinged line of their bodies against that of the show premiered with less than stellar stride. And Eliza Dushku is hot. with mystery and a strange sort of sword. ratings, and stayed there, but Molly meditative beauty. The final moments of the Shannon and Jason Schwartzman are FRIDAY: Wonderfalls (FO X, 9 “Suttum Vizhi,” on the other hand, performance included a senior two of the funniest people on televi - PM) has sold millions of people on while not as musically challenging and dedication and slide show, as sion. This show drops the laugh track its quirks, but not nearly as many lush as “Hai Rama,” is a gorgeous little Atma sends of f their first group of but doesn’t make full use of the single people as should be watching the best piece that makes me want to go and graduating seniors all of whom are pick up a book of poetry by the poet also the founding members. The aptly camera, no live-audience format. show of the season, and now offers who inspired the song, as suggested by selected “I’ll Remember” by Madonna “Wound-up Penguin.” The episodes the talented Lavanya Ramadoss, who was arranged by the junior members TUESDAY: American Idol (FO X, 8 are named after the various talking expressed the delicate melody with (Aparnaa Seshadri, Ravikumar, and PM) brings us the Top 11 contestants. tchotchkes that speak to Ms. Jaye just the right balance of quietness and Priya Sequeira) whose sincerity and Who can blame America for raising Tyler. She is the most unique hero on vitality. emotions show with every chord, Leah LaBelle’s hopes, then dash - television: a disaffected Gen Y woman At last year’s show, Atma had every note. Though Ramakrishnan’s ing them quite expertly? Not I. This with spite that the definition of spite invited Spoken Word artists as their influence on the group will be missed, ratings smash is a two-hour special doesn’t quite prepare you for. Here’s a guest performers. This year, the Pan the arrangement of “I’ll Remember” edition (so the finale of America’s note: the pilot was the best-reviewed Asian Dance troupe was invited to demonstrates the budding talents of the remaining members. Atma’s not N ext Top Model can kiss its ratings new show of the season. Critics got perform two pieces, which turns out to be a nice complement to Atma’s going anywhere—especially not with goodbye), which means Ryan Seacrest to see the first four episodes a month performance. For one thing, we the underclassmen showing great will make note of the fact that AI is a or so ago, and each episode is better got a dif ferent taste of sounds (the potential, such as the twins Andrea massive infomercial 17 times, and be - than its predecessor. Considering last dancers used East Asian instrumental and Olivia John and Sequeira. Give grudge his own corporate stooginess Friday’s “Karma Chameleon,” they music) as well as something visually these three a few more years, and they for an extra hour. I don’t ha ve a guess weren’t lying. Tape it if you ha ve to, stimulating. The fan dance sequence will be seasoned veterans of their own. for the performances or Wednesday’s just watch this show. Caroline Dha v - has an imaginative choreography, They’ve already got the vocal chops; eviction because I honestly don’t care. ernas is… oh, you get the point. bringing out the expressions of the they’ re just waiting for some time to It’s increasingly amusing to see how music well and, using the flowing find their groove and come into their own. much the host, judges, and contes - SATURDAY: MadTV (FO X, 11 PM) melodies of the Er-hu, enhances the graceful movements of the fans The seniors may be moving on, tants all realize the show could be celebrates its 200 th episode. Though and the dancers nicely. I liked the but Atma is here to stay. Using the done in twenty minutes, yet it takes typically less funny than SNL, Alex combination of modern Chinese music Sanskrit word for “soul” as their title, six times that to complete Ah, adver - Borstein returns as Ms. Swan. You (excerpt from the score of Crouching the group proudly lives up to its name, tising money. may know her from, oh, Family Guy. Tiger, Hidden Dragon ) with a more as Atma is truly one of the genuine And it’s a landmark. On Saturday. I traditional tune, though the climax of performing treasures on Penn campus, WEDNESDAY: The OC (FO X, 9 PM) ha ve a show to recommend on Sat - the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon an experience for the eyes, ears, and changes its tune in “The L.A.” This urdays, but as this is FO X week, I sequence was not as tight as one might souls of music lovers not to be missed. have hoped for in order to complement episode, yet another of Paris Hilton’s couldn’t break it up. Plus, that show Mickey Jou is a sophomore in the College. You the intense build-up of the music. attempts to act when she should isn’t ha ving it’s insane 200 th episode. can write to her at myjou@sas. clearly be flaunting her fortune in reality shows designed to tick off the SUNDAY: Arrested Development poor folks in Peoria, gives us the sat - (FO X, 9:30 PM) is “Missing Kitty.” If isfaction of knowing that Summer you’ve missed out on this show, about is not the shallowest girl, like, ever, to receive the TV Land a ward for set - y’know? The gang goes to, did you ting the bar for sitcoms, then you are guess, Los Angeles, and Paris’ charac - truly missing out. Fast-paced comedy, ter says “Ew, Newport Beach?” echo - great acting, great writing, and inter - ing the always hot Rachel Bilson’s esting camera work combine to make character’s feelings about Chino. Now this show stand out. The show doesn’t that the Oliver plotline is done, we go for punch lines, it forces you to can finally get back to atypical soap- think in order to get all the nuances opera plotlines, like the Luke and Ju - and overt comedic moments, which lie Cooper’s Mrs. Robinson stint. Oh, pervade every scene. Celebrities are wait. Rachel Bilson is hot, so, y’know, lining up around the block to guest whatever. star on this show. Shouldn’t you be jumping on the bandwagon? Yes, you THURSDAY: Tru Calling (FO X, 8 should. Not since Seinfeld has a show PM) gains a cast member and ex - been able to balance and resolve so plains the premise in “Daddy’s Girl.” many plotlines in one half-hour, and Jason Priestly joins as an ex-dead this show is much crazier and at least person, while Tru’s deadbeat, as of yet one par with the comedy of even the unseen, father shows up with his new best Seinfeld episodes. wife. Last week we learned that Tru’s mother had the same psychic gifts as If You Can Only Watch One: Tru Tru (dead people ask for her help, she Calling (Thursday). Friends is a tra vels back a day in time and tries rerun. Survivor is boring. And this to sa ve them). Flashback to ten years show is getting better with each epi - ago, we find out why Tru’s mother sode. died and why Tru received those pow - ers. It’s dreadfully tragic, but I’m not

our dose of firstcallism weekly wisdom Chinese fortune cookies should contain fortunes, not proverbs. THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | PUBLISHED INDEPENDENTLY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA |MARCH 22, 2004 VOL. IV NO.15 lastcall ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE? The financial fight for the White House BY MICHAEL PATTERSON The nation must prepare for an impending current president on the nation. During the weak on defense and ambivalent in his posi- of winning in November is through the left- political storm. On one side we have the original race for the nominee of the Repub- tions on the war. Some of the more clandes- wing and liberal organizations that are match- proud Texan Republican incumbent for Presi- lican Party in 1999, Karl Rove helped deface tine accusations against Kerry go to his own ing George Bush dollar for dollar in ad funds. dent George W. Bush. He is 6’0”, 190 pounds, George Bush’s competitors, particularly John patronage. After he returned from fighting in Moveon.org, for example, has pledged mil- and he’s got a hankering for making up facts McCain. Of John McCain, Rove’s minions Vietnam, he led the call to bring the troops lions to the current advertisement campaign in going to war. On the other side of the ring floated the idea through fake poll calls that home from a war he considered completely designed to show Americans the result of is Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. At 6’4” McCain was mentally unstable from being a wrong. For this, the Bush spin-doctors have Bush policies in both Iraq and on the U.S. en- and 195 pounds, this man is considered to POW in Viet- started claims vironment. Furthermore, billionaire George have a bad case of “Liberal New England- nam and also that portray Soros has already given about $20 million of er”. If this match-up were merely a physical that he had fa- Kerry in a way his own personal money to defeat the Pres- fight between the two, Kerry would beat the thered illegiti- to make him ident in the election. This money has gone shit out of President Bush. I mean, come on, mate children unsupportive to ads that again attack the Bush-led war in one flew planes around Texas (so he claims) with an Afri- of our troops. Iraq and the “go it alone” attitude that he has while the other fought in real battle in Viet- can-American This is de- had from day one of his administration. Be- nam. Unfortunately, we will not get the plea- woman. Dur- spite the fact tween the individuals and groups that are sure of seeing Bush go down via a right hook. ing the 2002 that he was a pouring money into the media to prevent an- This match is about the one thing with which midterm elec- real trooper. other Bush administration, the effect of Karl Bush can beat Kerry, and that certainly is not tions, Karl All this comes Rove’s underhanded tricks may hopefully be his fists. Rove worked within mere reduced. To date, Bush has raised over $160 million his effect weeks of Ker- I will not deny that it is indeed a sad state in campaign contributions. Bush is spending through the ry being rec- of affairs when I find myself rooting for a side about $6 million of this money a week in ads GOP to paint ognized as in a battle of the dollar. But the current peo- attacking Senator Kerry. He has begun flood- G e o r g i a n the only via- ple in government have changed the nature ing the airwaves in areas such as southern Democratic ble contender of our elections in such a way that results in Florida, Ohio, and other contentious states Senator Max for the White a system where people with the most money from the last presidential election with his at- Cleland as a House. There in their pockets win office. This is an undeni- tacks. In the meantime, the Kerry campaign virtual ally of remain many able fact about much of our “democracy” to- could only afford about $2 million in ads. This Saddam Hus- ads to be day. This leads to the sad but very real les- leaves ads funded by the Kerry campaign sein. Cleland placed with son to be taken from all of this: if you have much fewer in number in most media out- is a man, by the $160 mil- the same yearning to get Bush out of power lets. With such a gap in funds, the same sat- the way, who lost three limbs in the Vietnam lion of the Bush-Cheney war chest. The at- that I do, the most important thing you can uration of the airwaves is not really possible War. Yet the questioning of his patronage tacks by our President are only destined to probably do this election year is give money for Kerry. paid off as he lost his bid for reelection. get worse. to the Democrats. They will need every dime Beyond trying to buy the election, Bush is The threat to John Kerry seems imminent Fortunately there remains one glimmer of they can get if they are to counter the likes of also unleashing what I shall call the Karl Rove from the recent elections. After all, John Ker- hope for John Kerry. The chance of his win- Karl Rove. Effect (or KRE). The KRE has taken down ry did not even lose any limbs in Vietnam. ning the presidential race comes not because Now who wouldn’t like to see Kerry take multiple people in elections between not only Though he did fight with honor and receive Kerry is telling the truth about the state of down Bush in a physical match-up? C’mon Republicans and Democrats, but also Repub- multiple medals for his service, the KRE may our country as Bush has made it. It is not his Republicans, it would be fun! licans against other Republicans. Karl Rove is easily distort this fact. remarkably accurate description of the Re- President Bush’s chief strategist and the one Already the ads by President Bush’s cam- publicans in power as “liars and crooks”. No, Michael Patterson is a junior in the College. You can with the most responsibility for inflicting our paign machine have claimed Kerry to be the one thing that gives John Kerry a chance write to him The Case of the Campus Conjunctivis Crisis

BY BRIAN HERTLER

Jack MacGuffin was taking notes in Psychology 190 when were most annoying. All the searches were attributable to a He put Muffin in a holding cell and gathered a strike team. his cell phone went off. He continued writing with one hand Wharton undergraduate named Hiram Muffin. A pinkeye carrier in the dorms—surely, he thought, they’d as he picked it up. “This is MacGuffin,” he said. Obviously, Muffin was connected to the terror cell. Mac- do the most damage swiping cards in the High Rises. He and The frantic voice of Dr. Rebecca Bushnell, Dean of the Col- Guffin first put him on registration hold, then, deciding to his men rushed from Logan Hall and headed west. lege, came on the line. “I’ve got a new case for you, Agent get more serious, blocked his email account and deactivat- They went to Harnwell, the first High Rise along the MacGuffin. This new pinkeye epidemic—” ed his PennCard. way. It checked out—the swiper was an old lady with clear “Not now, Beck. I’m in the middle of class.” A few hours later, Muffin wandered into Logan Hall look- eyes. Harrison was next. They entered the building and “Don’t make me beg. Listen, my other men can’t crack ing for an explanation. The trap was sprung. Security found, strangely, that the card-swiper had disappeared en- this case. Last year, when the Writer’s House sent their po- guards took hold of the Whartonite and escorted him down- tirely. MacGuffin grabbed a nearby student. “I’m looking for etry bombers to DRL, you were the only one who could neu- stairs, and soon he was tied to a metal chair in the depths of a terrorist swiper,” he said. “Why is nobody behind the desk tralize them. And when that Princeton hacker set everyone’s the Secret Department of Campus Security. An electronic here?” homepage to badgerbadgerbadger.com, only you could stop copy of his transcript was projected on a wall before him. The student pointed towards the door, where a young him. You’re the best darn agent I’ve got, MacGuffin.” “Welcome to my office, Mr. Muffin,” MacGuffin said gruff- man in sunglasses had slipped past them and stood watch- “You’ll make it worth my while, then.” ly. “I brought you here because I was worried about my ing from outside. As MacGuffin stared, the young man re- “Of course I will.” She began her briefing, and MacGuffin health. I heard you were the expert on pinkeye infections.” moved his employee sweater, revealing a Senn Ptinks t-shirt jotted the details in the margins of his notebook. It seemed Muffin tensed. “I don’t know anything about it.” underneath. that an underground terrorist cell was behind the recent Wordlessly, MacGuffin walked to his computer. Muffin The terrorist turned and began to run. MacGuffin and his pinkeye outbreak. The damage spread quickly—already a watched his transcript as, one by one, the high school AP men gave chase, pursuing the young man through Hamilton handful of his psych classmates were pink and oozing pus credits were highlighted and deleted. Village and over the bridge at 38th Street. Then they passed around the eyes. When Dr. Bushnell finished her report, he “That’s impossible!” he cried. “You can’t do that!” one of the little blue trucks that carry kosher food to the din- put his phone away and walked out of class. MacGuffin went on erasing—the language credits, the ing halls; the terrorist pulled the driver out, hopped in, and His first destination was the Secret Department of Cam- writing seminar. Muffin squirmed and squealed. When began to speed away. In seconds, he’d outpaced MacGuffin pus Security in Logan Hall. Deep in the administrative of- MacGuffin’s mouse approached Management 100, Muffin and his men. fices where most undergraduates fear to tread, MacGuffin could take no more. They called for backup, but the chase had become hope- scanned his retinas and descended by elevator into a high- “Enough! I’ll talk!” He looked up at MacGuffin, whose less. For now, the terrorist had escaped, and more could still tech subterranean complex. finger hovered over the backspace button. “It was my friend be out there. A full wall of television screens illuminated the dark cham- from Brown! He’s in a—a secret society there, and—well, He explained the case to Dr. Bushnell, and at the next ber, as hidden cameras monitored student activity in all parts he said some of them have to be sacrificed for the greater board meeting she convinced the Penn trustees to triple of campus. To one side, a steel file cabinet held blackmail cause.” their funding for the Secret Department of Campus Security. information on all the Daily Pennsylvanian columnists—just MacGuffin stood up and mused for a moment. “A greater The office hired new agents and bought more surveillance in case. Low-level employees sat hunched over audio feeds, cause... sacrificing someone to spread pinkeye...” He imag- equipment. Meanwhile, MacGuffin’s pay is being withheld writing down the name of anyone who made fun of Judith Ro- ined a sunglass-wearing pinkeye carrier shaking hands at until he finishes the case, so he skips class and works day din. This was the Secret Department of Campus Security, a Wharton junket, or washing cafeteria dishes, or infecting and night in the office. Let’s wish him luck. the toughest anti-terror squad in West Philadelphia. books at the library. “What did you tell them, Muffin?” MacGuffin sat at his desk and accessed the database of “The dorms—they wanted to know about the dorms. The student Internet searches. Few students know that Penn has biggest ones—our security systems—that sort of thing. Re- the power to monitor their personal Internet activity. Among ally, it wasn’t anything big!” Brian Hertler is a junior in the College. You can write to him at hertlerb@sas. the pornography and plagiarism, MacGuffin found a num- “You fool!” MacGuffin slapped him across the face. “That ber of searches on pinkeye—how it spreads, which varieties free talk is what spreads pinkeye.”