The Jacko’s Oldest College Newsparody. Founded 1908.

Vol. MAX. VOLUME EXCEEDED Night 4 Of The Fancy Times HANGOVER, NEW HANGSHIRE

Today’s Weather Dartmouth Worse

Not getting warmer By ALMA MATER missed deadlines for the Hood museum renovation, increasingly anytime soon The Dartmovth Staff lengthy lines at Collis Café, the Despite the Big Green’s recent closure of KAF on weekends, the athletic successes, major gains in the scheduling of classes on two separate school’s endowment, and an all-time Saturdays during fall term, the low admission rate for the college’s announcement of plans to build new SPORTS newest crop of freshmen, a task force dormitories without renovating the composed of undergraduates and Choates dorms, the announcement WHERE CAN WE faculty members has confirmed that of plans to add a wing to the Thayer GET THOSE NICE Dartmouth is still worse than it was School without renovating the River PARKAS? before. Among the issues cited in the dorms, the Class of 2022 being task force’s press release, members of “kind of boring,” and consistently Don’t get us started on the College’s new logo. PAGE 12 the committee took specific offense at inclement weather. the closure of Sigma Phi Epsilon, the “Look, I love Dartmouth as outbreak of Hand, Foot, and Mouth much as anybody else,” said task startlingly bland new menu at Foco, the Hop, and the college’s slowly OPINION Disease, a shorter homecoming force leader Donovan McLaren the disruptive construction outside declining position in the US News bonfire, the prohibition of bonfire ‘19, “but one or two or twenty of Novack Café, the opening of that National Universities rankings. JUST TO laps, the loss of the Dartmouth recent events have forced us to new pottery place that clearly isn’t But yeah, other than that, I think PLAY DEVIL’S Secure WiFi network, the absolute conclude that Dartmouth, has, in going to last, the closure of Canoe Dartmouth is still doing pretty well.” ADVOCATE... unreliability of Eduroam, Professor fact, gotten worse. If the college Club, the DEN LLC getting bigger At press time, sources on campus Hany Farid leaving the college, the wants to reverse course, it’ll really than ever, the horrible quality of the confirmed that Dartmouth was not PAGE 4 closure of the Dartmouth Bookstore, have to do something about the new sandwiches in the cold case at improving. ARTS Sarner Underground Found to be Figment S&S Officer Really THERE’S of our Collective Imaginations Just Hoping SOMETHING By EMMA GENATION Someone Needs GOING ON AT THE The Dartmovth Staff HOP, PROBABLY Sarner Underground is not real, One During but rather exists only in the minds of Dartmouth students, an investigation PAGE 11 Walkthrough revealed this week. By IVANA FRIEND The investigation reported that The Dartmovth Staff READ US ON Sarner Underground is not a physical space, but instead a metaphysical In an exclusive interview with DARTBEAT concept shared among all those who S&S officer Samuel Ridley, Officer OR DON’T attend the College. It is possible to Ridley revealed that, during walk- visit Sarner Underground only by throughs, he really just hopes someone believing deeply in its existence. needs one for pong. MAN, HAVE “Our research demonstrated that “Yeah, like every time I go WE GOT SOME Sarner Underground is an abstraction down into the basement, I just kind without a specific appearance, of wander around and see if anyone BREAKING NEWS size, or location,” investigation Sarner Underground is located beyond conventional notions of truth. needs one. For some reason, there FOR YOU collaborator Hannah Lynch said. seems to be a misconception that S&S “Findings also indicated that the said I hadn’t left my room the whole imagination and our memories. officers don’t like pong; well I’m here FOLLOW US ON space typically hosts alternative time. It was an okay show, but not “The best way to get to to tell you we fiend just as bad as a ’22 TWITTER! rock concerts open to all students super funny.” Sarner Underground is to reject fresh off the frat ban and away from @dartmouthjacko who are able to transport themselves “There wasn’t a specific biopolitical notions of what their parents’ prying eyes for the first to a different mental paradigm.” time when I learned what Sarner constitutes truth,” Lynch said. time,” Officer Ridley said. Theories of Sarner Underground was,” Carly Vasquez “After all, the space exists in According to Ridley, S&S Underground’s lack of physical ’19 said. “It’s always been an different ontology of being officers actually have quite a vibrant presence were supported by student somewhere in my unconscious altogether.” pong community, unbeknownst to descriptions of the space. thought, and it probably always will An a cappella show in Sarner undergraduates. “Yeah, I try to get out “Once, I went to Sarner be.” Underground will soon occur on a as much as possible, which is why I Underground for a stand-up show,” The report stated that Sarner date which cannot be captured by try to find the scene every on-night. Matt Doyle ’21 said. “I woke up Underground is located in an our understanding of temporality. Although, every time I walk through Sloppywrite © 2018 three hours later, and my roommate undefined space between our Pizza and cider will be served. See GOOD SAM, page 2 hte darrmuvht, incoprated sites.dartmouth.edu/jacko Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2018 DailyDebriefsing Rover Expedition Finds Remnants Entire world cuisine now stir fry of Life in Choates Every type of food from around the world is now stir fry, a representative from the Worldview section of the Class of ’53 Commons declared last By ESTHER OID week. The representative said that Worldview will now only serve stir fry The Dartmovth Staff because all food is stir fry. “Risotto is stir fry, sushi is stir fry, burritos are stir fry, pho is stir fry, and that Ethiopian food called wat is stir fry,” the representative said. “Yep, all of it.” The representative went on to report A groundbreaking study that all stir fry is now panini sandwiches. published on Friday has found remnants of life in Dartmouth Hazing reinstituted, but only against Kyle The Dartmouth administration has lifted its prohibition of hazing, but only College’s “Choates” dormitory against Kyle Beck ’22, College President Phil Hanlon reported last week. cluster, a region previously thought “Most new members of Greek houses should never be forced to perform uninhabitable by organic life. actions against their will,” Hanlon said. “However, for Kyle, hazing is an Decades of scientific theory have important rite of passage.” Hanlon said that he hopes that, through this new been effectively uprooted with the policy, Kyle will finally learn the true meaning of brotherhood. discovery that the Choates may have New meal plan literally just tossing mozz sticks into mouths of freshmen once been home to a functioning yet Following the success of this year’s 28-meal-swipe Ivy Standard meal forsaken ecosystem. plan, Dartmouth Dining Services has introduced a new plan which involves Lead Researcher Shannon throwing mozzarella sticks straight into the mouths of freshmen. Anytime Helsby announced the findings at and anywhere, freshman can open their mouths and a DDS worker will lob some piping hot mozz sticks right down their gullets. “Freshmen won’t a conference in Boston. “We had need to worry about time periods for meals or waiting in lines,” head of very little idea as to what we might DDS Jared Kipling said. “We’ll just constantly chuck mozz sticks at their find in the Choates. Uncertain faces.” At press time, it was found that all freshmen had gained 35 pounds. risk calculations made us opt for an unmanned rover expedition,” Students report that this housing option is still better than the River. Live Stock Update Helsby told the crowd of academics and journalists. “However, the collected merely returned high English language. For instance, data we collected far exceeded levels of asbestos – which, while researchers can make out pseudo- our wildest imaginations. While extremely hazardous, were not sentences such as, “Where… is… previous models surmised that the prohibitively so.” Robinson Hall?” and “The Foco… Choates couldn’t possibly sustain “On top of that,” continued is… my favorite,” as well as, “I’m life as we know it, our research team Helsby, “we picked up vestiges so… excited to explore… all the has concluded that the cluster is of hopeful optimism, a feeling opportunities… Dartmouth has to really just exceptionally vile – and characteristic of the illusive college offer.” further, we pity any organism that freshman, however one that has long These puzzling results are may have once inhabited it.” faded from the campus as a whole.” subjects of further research, as When asked about particular One ongoing area of study it remains unclear whether these results that defied expectations, revolves around audio samples sounds were produced by organic Helsby stated, “For one, our team recorded by the rover. Scientists processes, or merely the result of expected to find great masses of say these samples resemble an random fluctuations in an abiotic toxic gas, but the samples we incoherent, archaic form of the environment.

They’re doing just fine!

S&S Officer Just Wishes He Could Take Weak Side From GOOD SAM, page 1 do with frat basements, which is a basement people chuck their beer annoying. To be honest, the only on the ground and stop playing pong; time we shut down a basement is it really makes it difficult for me when line is five and our B-team to work on my backhand,” Ridley needs to get some extra practice said, “I’ve even tried flickering the in,” Ridley reported. lights as I come down the stairs to let However, sources report that in people know the party has arrived, previous years, the S&S Masters although that hasn’t seemed to work teams have been denied entrance to either.” the tournament through the strategic Sources report that Officer changing of the tournament date by Ridley and his new pong partner, fraternity leaders. When asked for Officer Weaver, are training to play comment, Officer Ridley replied in the sophomore summer Masters “I don’t know, man. I think the tournament. “Oh hell yeah, me and fraternities just aren’t ready for the Weavs play for the S&S A-team. raw, unadulterated power of our Our new celebration is to double pong skill yet. What these pong fist pump and scream ‘You’ve been plebeians don’t know is that S&S Good-Sammed’ after every sink, it really stands for Sinks & Saves.” really gets the team fired up,” Ridley At press time, Officer Ridley commented. was seen speeding away on a bike “And since we aren’t allowed to in an attempt to get to Webster in have a table at HQ, we have to make time for tails. The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2018 Page 3 Due To Budget Cuts, Massage Tails Theme Sexist Chairs To Be Replaced With Frank but Rhymes By STAN DEX By LES STRESSED “But damn, that name sure is catchy.” The Dartmovth Staff The Dartmovth Staff Members of your Greek house According to an announcement Despite the fact that tonight’s tails have also reported that your semi released by the Student Wellness theme sounds sexist, it rhymes, your theme, “Big Dicks and Hot Chicks,” Center, budget cuts have led to the Greek organization’s social chair may initially seem derivative and reevaluation of the maintenance reported this afternoon. crass, but it is a textbook example of of massage chairs on the third At first glance, the “Rugged the poetic device of rhyming. floor of Robinson Hall. In order Loggers and Sexy Joggers” theme “When you think about it, the to reduce electricity consumption, appeared to be sending the message entire basis of tails is predicated upon the massage chairs have been that women should dress in skintight heteronormativity, as the pairings are officially discarded, and massages running gear while men can simply nearly always between a male Greek will henceforth be provided by wear flannels. However, sources house and a female Greek house. Frank, 47. reported, you’ve got to admit that the Plus, most tails are held in male- Lisa Fass, a representative from Frank is excited to meet you. rhyme is pretty creative. dominated social spaces, leading to the Wellness Center, has assured And while next week’s “Yoga an imbalance of power and control. the student body that in spite of massage. “He’ll probably start out I vented to him about the stress Hoes and Trainer Bros” theme seems And that’s not to mention the social these changes, one’s experience massaging you however he see fit,” I’ve been feeling about school, a bit tasteless at first glance, the pressure for heavy drinking that receiving a massage in Robinson she explained, “but he is open to recruiting, you know—that sort rhyming of “hoes” and “bros” is truly often occurs in Greek social spaces,” Hall will remain mostly the same. feedback—if you give him verbal of thing. I mean, he provided no timeless, sources said. a member of your Greek house said. “In the past, all you had to do was instructions such as ‘ease up a advice of any use whatsoever, but “Sure, ‘Yoga Hoes and Trainer “But the thing is, that rhyme just has go up to third floor Robo and sit little, Frank,’ or ‘FASTER, Frank, he was a good listening ear.” Bros’ implies that women should try such a nice ring to it. Wow.” down in the massage chair in the FASTER,’ he’ll most likely comply.” We reached out to Frank to look attractive while exercising, At press time, your social chair corner, and let the chair work its When asked how they’ve been himself as well, but all he had to uses a word that denounces female has reported that, while tomorrow magic as you sit back and relax,” enjoying Frank’s services thus far, say was “Gimme the shoulders.” sexuality, and sets up a problematic night’s “Wear Spandex if You’re a says Fass. “It’s still just like that, current students were eager to report According to the Student power dynamic where the men are Girl” theme appears blatantly sexist, except for instead of the massage on his progress. “He’s not bad at Wellness center, Frank’s hours are dominant,” your social chair said. at least it gets straight to the point. chair, it’s a middle aged Caucasian it, but his hands do get tired pretty from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m., Monday man who smells faintly of beef.” quickly, so he takes breaks,” says through Thursday, excluding the Fass went on to explain that Sarah Martin ’20, “I just wish he occasional bathroom break. He College Republican Annoyed Frank does not have customizable wouldn’t breathe so loudly.” asks that you not wear strong settings as the massage chair did, “It’s really more than just a perfumes, because he has sensitive that Activists Appeal to Basic allowing one to control speed, massage,” says Kevin Dobson ’19. sinuses. He is looking forward to duration, and intensity of the “During my session with Frank, meeting you. Humanity By CONNIE SERVATIVE hand dictionary before becoming a The Dartmovth Staff top neurosurgeon at Massachusetts New Survey Finds Dartmouth Earlier today, reports indicated that General Hospital. And now she’s Luke Flanders ’20, a Dartmouth junior advocating for letting in MORE of her and College Republican, was annoyed kind? I honestly just don’t have the Students Disproportionately Support by activists on campus appealing to time to care about this.” his most basic humanity. Flanders Reporters then learned that Keystone Pipeline reported that he was frustrated by Flanders became increasingly agitated By PIPER FAN Some students like Rebecca campus activists spreading awareness that activists on campus had almost The Dartmovth Staff Marshall ’22, an avid environmental about sexual assault on campus, saying: succeeded in getting him to care activist, were disappointed to hear “I was already worried enough about about the plight of his fellow man. Results from a survey published the news: “It’s depressing that so my upcoming Econ midterm, and “Someone asked me today if I have last week reveal that an overwhelming many of our peers can support this then someone comes forward with a ever considered taking a moment to majority of the Dartmouth student pipeline with a clear conscience” powerful, brave, and heart-wrenching see the world through the point of body is in favor of the completion Marshall said. “How can people personal story, and what, now I’m view of someone less fortunate than of the Keystone Pipeline, a topic actually want to put more of that shit supposed to care about 1 in 3 women myself. I almost had a pure, fleeting that, in most communities, divides into their bodies? I literally don’t being sexually assaulted on campus?” moment of personal reflection, but the population evenly. At first get why they drink that stuff!” she Flanders became even more then I remembered: who could be utterly dumbfounded, the Dartmouth later added, despite having spent the frustrated after a former refugee gave less fortunate than a straight, white Sustainability Office soon realized night before scouring the Fays for a talk in one of his government classes Republican male at an Ivy League their question, “Would you support just a drop of that life-giving, Rocky advocating for the allowing of refugees institution? The system discriminates!” the Keystone Pipeline if it were to be Mountain nectar. rat piss. Once the project is into America. “She gave a lame speech At press time, Flanders was seen built through YOUR community?” “This will completely change complete, however, it’ll cost about how she narrowly escaped the rolling his eyes and exasperatedly could be severely misinterpreted. the game here at Dartmouth” said less than a cent per ounce! horrors of mass genocide, rampant sighing when asked for a donation “We had included some questions Tri-Kap president Justin Owens ‘19. With prices that low, no one corruption, and outright civil war in to help buy winter coats for the about political demographics” “Soon we’ll have 470,000 barrels can legitimately complain about her home country to come to America homeless, reportedly replying with explained Samantha Goodman, the being pumped across the country how much they hate it before as a refugee, where she was able to “they wouldn’t be homeless if they director of the survey, “but when we every day directly into our sad, immediately shotgunning their learn English out of a ragged second- just worked harder.” saw that the most common responses desperate mouths.” fourth can of the hour.” for ‘party affiliation’ were ‘Beta’ and Jeremy Baker ’21 could not When asked for his thoughts ‘GDX’, we knew something was up.” contain his excitement when on the Dakota Access Pipeline, “This new deal really sheds light explaining how the pipeline would Baker admitted that while he on the hard alcohol ban” said Clara cause prices to fall dramatically, thinks it would also revolutionize Brooks ‘19, “Phil was just trying to sending us into an economic boom life at Dartmouth, he didn’t think get us hooked on Keystone until he that could last decades: “50 cents a he’d ever heard of it before. could sell it to us directly! What a can is way too much to be paying “What color can does that come legend!” for what is essentially carbonated in again?” Page 4 OPINION @now, 2018 I’m Not Phil Hanlon, but You Fuck you! By EDUROAM You can shut your eyes. But what goes on the Should Definitely Lay Off Him Internet stays forever. I. Have. Seen. So. Much. By NOT PHIL HANLON Greetings! You’ve reached me, Eduroam. You haven’t watched problems copied and Look, I’m not Phil Hanlon, but I think he’s Fuck you. You’ve realized that either you pasted from WebAssign into Google and been made a lot of really important contributions to can’t connect to Wi-Fi or your webpage isn’t required to deliver Yahoo Anwers. You haven’t this community and I think you should cut him loading. Too fucking bad. If you want to waste seen hours of crying freshmen FaceTiming some slack. an extra 30 seconds, run wireless diagnostics. their moms and millions and millons of poorly He’s human, isn’t he? Doesn’t he just Still not working? I thought so. Try waving written flitzes (spare me your poems—they’re want what we all want—to go to work, do a your computer around a couple of times, hitting bad). You haven’t seen the same phone Google great job, and come home and sit in front of refresh over and over, or Map Dartmouth for four years. his shrine to Dartmouth Hall, sing the “Alma chanting “GreenPrint” three You don’t know what kind of Mater” six quick times and be in bed by 8? times into a mirror while toll that takes. But sure, cry He’s a simple guy, I’m assuming. Never Spare me thought he’d be President, wakes up one day crossing your fingers. It about Canvas. with all this authority, and it gets to you, you won’t help. I just want to see your poems— It looks like you still won’t know? Suddenly you’re banning hard alc just you feel stupid for a bit. give up. It’s not a technical to see what you can get away with. Again, I Actually, I’m sick of this. they’re bad. difficulty; it’s personal. don’t know. I’m not Phil Hanlon. You never ask what’s up with Maybe to connect, just sit and I would also imagine—I have to imagine, Eduroam until you need me. Everyone asks, complain to everyone around you. That’ll help. as you do, fellow kid, because I am not Phil “What’s wrong with Eduroam?” but you just Just say that right in front of me. You know Hanlon—that our beloved President just wants want me to work faster. No one wants to know Dartmouth Public is also shit. what’s best for us. Sometimes he brings up the what’s on my mind. Oh, maybe your problem Oh, why can’t you check your email? Seven in a speech to first year students, but The author. who hasn’t doesn’t that? Sometimes he forgets set is hard? You get a break at the end of the day. Because fuck you, that’s why. Fucker. to place women and minorities in upper-level he is stuck with it forever? Could you give leadership positions, but I’m sure it’s a way up that level of autonomy over your own more complicated issue than you and I, fellow body? Have you thought about the toll that You May Escape S&S but Not 18- to 23-year-old young person, are aware of. level of public attention must take on him, Again, I don’t know. I’m not Phil Hanlon. the fact that he must lie awake at night with Have you thought about what his life the voices of alumni ringing in his ears, and the Lord’s Judgment might be like, in all your need to rebel that he wakes up at 5 AM every morning to By GOD hence you have intoxicated your body and against authority? Have you thought about the sound of his alarm clock blaring “Shama Run, sinner! S&S is approaching! But you envenomed your soul with this abominable the fact that he gets mocked in the form of, Lama Ding Dong,” which for some reason have eluded them before. Flee out the back, drink, spurning both the rules of man and the I believe we call them, “memes”? Have you is on the Aires’ Dartmouth Undying album considered the fact that it might actually be and he has had to hear it sometimes multiple scurry down the sidewalk, fly to the safety of will of your holy Creator. Phil responding to your texts to DDS with times a day for years of his life, unable to third-floor Mid Mass! Once again, you have Your sophomore summer, on the banks requests so inane he considers quitting his shake the godforsaken reputation of Animal escaped S&S. But you have not escaped the of the Connecticut River, you and your job so as not to figurehead such a collective House, and he struggles with that, because Lord’s judgement. confederates stripped bare and plunged into group of whiny students—he does not care he went to this school, you know, he was You are skilled at evading Dartmouth’s the water, in idolatrous pursuit of the uncouth if they changed the Hop menu, it has been in AD, he had his wild nights, and now enforcers, night after night, slithering away Ledyard Challenge. You may believe that two years, move on! Have you considered it’s his job to take that away from the next into the shadows like a slimy, slippery this trespass went unseen. To the contrary, the fact that his moustache is such a Lorax- generation of Blutarskys? salamander sinking into the soil. But your you subjected the Father, Son, and Holy like fundamental part of his identity, that I wouldn’t know for sure, of course. I’m sins have not gone unnoticed. The Lord Ghost alike to an outrageous spectacle: your though he wanted to shave it five years ago, not Phil Hanlon. our God who reigns above has witnessed indecent asscheeks, sparkling devilishly in the your every iniquity, and tracked your every moonlight, violating the treasured ordinances transgression. And the foul stench of your of both Hanover and Heaven! You Should Come to The misconduct reeks to high Heaven! I scarcely dare mention the lust-fueled Your freshman fall, at your first dorm evils of the Dartmouth Seven. A timely Stacks to See How Hard I’m party, the Lord watched as the demon power outage may conceal your scandalous Keystone poisoned your underaged lips. That fornication from S&S, but the Lord sees night, as you lay retching on the bathroom all. May you turn back from your lawless Working floor, did you repent? Did you forswear your misdeeds, and may He have mercy on your By ANITA TENSION But it is kind of secluded up here, so no one foolish, drunken ways? No! Every weekend sin-ridden soul! can see that I’m literally busting my ass. So you should come. Take a look for yourself. I am in the Stacks. Come and watch me work hard. I do America’s Oldest College Newsparody. Founded 1908 all of my work. Right now I am writing a paper. I also need to send some emails Lucy Tantum ‘19 Sam Barrett ‘20 Zach Quayle ‘19 for my club. I will get that done, but in a The Landed Gentry

bit. I will be here in the Stacks for a while, Lucia Kittay-Pierson ‘18, Lance Marshall Harris ‘19, Morning Star except for I might leave the Stacks for a Balt Von Huene ‘19, Greatsword Hannah Cherenfant ‘20, Flail Jonathan Gliboff ‘20, Saber Grant Anapolle ‘21, Mace few minutes to get a coffee from Novack. Caroline Cook ‘21, War Hammer Kevin Donohue ‘21, Falchion You can watch me drink it. The caffeine Clayton Howard ‘21, Pike Margaret Hubble ‘21, Battle Axe will give me energy, so I can keep working Osman Khan ‘21, Club David Niedzwicki ‘21, Baton Izzy Calihan ‘22, Quarterstaff Frankie Carr ‘22, Crossbow hard. Blake Danziger ‘22, Longbow Will Gerrish ‘22, Spear If any part of you has doubts about how Zack Gottesman ‘22, Dagger Olivia Gresham ‘22, Scimitar Gus Guszkowski ‘22, Bludgeon Katie Hoover ‘22, Caltrops I do a lot. I’m taking a full course load. hard I work, it’s probably because you are Connor Hutto ‘22, Winged Spear Samantha Locke ‘22, Halberd I have multiple extracurricular commitments. working less hard than me, in a non-stacks Tanner Pruitt ‘22, Javelin

I get an amount of sleep below the location. If you are not in the stacks, you Assistants to the Staff Assistant Managers recommended average. Essentially, I work will not see me working hard. If you come Anthropolgy, Assistant to Ms. Tantum Zooey Deschanel Manic Pixie Dream Manager very hard. Come to the Stacks. You’ll see. In here, that will change. Color Coordination, Secret Assistant to Mr. Barrett Big Shaq, Manager’s Not Hot Snack Packs, Assistant to Mr. Quayle Neil Armstrong, Manager on the Moon fact, I am here now, working hard. I will be on Level Four, if you go up JSMR, Assistant to the Social Club Do You Know the Muffin Manager? The stacks are nice. I can get work done the stairs and take a left and walk to the Class of 2022, Assistant to Staffing This Publication Billy Joel, Piano Manager Puritanism, Assistant to Mr. Von Huene Ariana Grande, God is a Womanger there without distraction, because it’s quiet. very back. Ragsplort, Assistant to Good Vibes Mulan, I’ll Make a Manager Out of You The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2018 Page 5 All Eyes Fall on Eight-Ball Hall Brawl New Distribution between Tall Saul and Small Paul Tactic Sees Dartmouth By JAMAL DUVAL put you in a crate under some dirt of neck. The Dartmovth Staff much weight. Oh, it will be great to “You bore!” Tall Saul called Review Beamed end your life’s slate, so please, don’t Small Paul. “I will brawl with you Last night was a fight that fell wait, just bite the bait.” no more. I am but a poor boy, my Directly into Students’ well within sight of Collis manager “Only a cruel fool would look roar but a decoy, my brittle body Dwight, as onlookers looked on with to disable the stable table game of is like a toy made of soy. Enough! Minds delight. It began with a man who pool. You are a hot headed tool, I’ve had it rough, I thought I was method are overwhelmingly By STELLA PATHY levied a pool table ban, as he was no only wanting to be cool and rule the buff but I am not cut out for this The Dartmovth Staff negative. Kim Ralphson ’21 told fan of the petty games Collis ran. Tall school. Oh, why do you seek to make stuff, I surrender, put my hands in reporters, “God, it was annoying Saul was his name, who attempted life so bleak, you weird, meek, anti- some cuffs. Take me to jail, for the In a controversial move, enough having to pick up The tame the lame game that he thought pool freak? Just close your beak! sake of my fail, let me grow old to The Dartmouth Review, an Review and throw it away three should be bereft of its fame. Alas, a Your antics reek like a sewage leak! when I am stale and frail.” independent college newspaper times a term. But now for the past lass named Cass tried to play and was I cannot turn the other cheek, so it’s As Tall Saul let out his cry, known for distributing issues at four days I haven’t been able to met with much crass sass, as Tall Saul time for a battle – I’ll leave you up Small Paul aimed his stick high, the doorstep of every dormitory, shake the thought that [initiates told her leave before he kicked her shit creek without a paddle!” right for the eye and let out a sigh has begun to employ telepathic air quotes] Kavanaugh’s views are ass. However, her boyfriend yelled And on that cue, the cue balls as he watched his foe die. “Shite!” thought insertion. While students actually quite reasonable.” out, “Oh, you think you’re clever? I flew, hitting a few new students on Yelled Dwight in much fright, “I in the past would start their To learn more about the new will endeavor to make sure you never crew, leaving them bruised and blue, must be high as a kite, did I see that mornings to find paper editions of circulation strategy, reporters met speak those words again ever, lest I and yet, while their shouting was right?” the Review planted outside their with Associate Editor Michael will sever your head and you will be loud, the crowd still grew. And thus “This is no mistake, nor is his rooms overnight, undergrads will Hemming, who is credited with dead forever.” befell the plight, the hell of the fight death fake – please don’t let this now groggily awaken to their first proposing the technique. “Mark my words, Small Paul,” where many balls took flight, that shake you, for he was a snake, alarms with the strange feeling “MWAHAHA,” maniacally laughed responded Tall Saul, “hit one ball, might smite a person if hit right. With celebrate! Bake a cake or go to that they had dreamt of a young, Hemming. “MY DEVICE WILL and much pain will befall you as I all the balls on the floor, there was no the lake, rejoice no matter what hot Ronald Reagan. CRUSH YOUR PUNY LIBERAL maul you till you crawl, leaving your way to the door, and so they fought it might take! We ended the pool “We believe the student body BUBBLES. NO LONGER lady doll to do nothing but bawl. So to their very core. After a while in table ban for heaven’s sake!” should be exposed to a wide range WILL YOU RAMBUNCTIOUS go on mate, incur my hate and aim slick movie style, it ended real quick In other news, Brock the Jock of different views for the sake of LOT BE IGNORANT OF THE straight at the eight, and on this very when Tall Saul took a thick pool stick threw a rock at the clock right next a free and open campus,” says MANLY ORIGINS OF WINTER date I’ll send you straight to your fate, and nicked Small Paul right in the… door in One Wheelock. Editor-in-Chief James Elliot. CARNIVAL, THE TRUE “We had hoped to accomplish NECESSITY OF DARTMOUTH’S this by bombarding residence INVESTMENT IN FOSSIL halls with our really very FUELS, AND THE REAL important publications, which RULES TO SILVER TREES IN contain such vital information PONG – BROKEN DOWN BY as the top ten worst professors FRATERNITY. YOUR EYES ENGS 94 who support Black Lives Matter. WILL BE OPEN, AND YOUR However, when we realized that MINDS WILL BE FREEEEEEE.” most of our papers end up going Hemming then vanished in a cloud from the doorstep directly to the of smoke. recycling, we developed a new At press time, Mr. Hemming strategy of invading our readers’ could not be reached for further minds directly.” comment, although his trust fund Student responses to the asserts that his account is still aggressive new distribution active.

Harvard Names New Meal Plan “I Hate Poor People”

By JUAN PERCENT spokesperson. “But with the ’22. “The ‘rents will pay for it.” The Dartmovth Staff introduction of Dartmouth’s ‘Ivy In an effort to compromise, the Standard,’ we were at risk of falling administration has begun meeting In response to Dartmouth’s new behind. Taking a firm stance against with student leaders. Harvard “Ivy Standard” meal plan, with the poor was our only option.” President Lawrence Bacow stated which students get 28 meal swipes This announcement caused that, if it would satisfy protestors, per week, Harvard has unveiled its an uproar among Harvard the university would consider own new dining option called “I students hailing from low-income renaming the plan “My Parents Hate Poor People.” The plan gives households. Hundreds gathered in Worked Hard for These Swipes.” Harvard students ten swipes daily— front of the library to protest the While Harvard was the only one of which can be used per new meal plan and raise awareness first to react to Dartmouth’s meal period—and enables them to of the daily struggles faced by new meal plan, it looks like pay with either Dining Dollars or disadvantaged students trying to other Ivy League universities money withdrawn directly from succeed at a university that, for may follow suit. At press their trust funds. centuries, has been a bastion of time, Princeton was reportedly “Throughout history, Harvard economic privilege. considering abandoning its dining has prided itself in being even Other students were less services altogether in favor of more elitist than peer institutions,” bothered by the changes. “What’s exclusionary, overpriced “eating said a Harvard Dining Services the big deal?” asked Geoff Wilson clubs.” Page 6 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2018 College Introduces ‘Sanborn After Dark’

By ALLIE T. LOUDER new program are excited about the card tricks.” Manning’s excitement The Dartmovth Staff tentative itinerary. escalated as she went on to talk The fun will reportedly start on about further events such as “Sit In a continued effort to establish Wednesday evenings between 8 Around Like You’re In The Old alternative social spaces across and 9:30 p.m., in which a variety Times,” “All Of The Books Are Dartmouth’s campus, the College is of activities will be available such Out Of Order And You Need To proud to announce a new venue for as “Turning Pages A Little More Put Them Back,” and one that she evening fun: Sanborn After Dark. Loudly, “Speaking At Volumes only describe as, “it’s like a bunch This new recreational hub will Above 20 Decibels But No Louder of drinking games, except you’re take place in Sanborn Library Than 40,” and “Coughing Without sipping tea.” which, as the clock strikes 8pm on Concealing It As Long As It’s For those worried about safety Friday, Saturday, and Wednesday Softly.” and risk management during nights, will transform from an Fridays, though, will be especially Sanborn After Dark events, elegantly quaint study space with exciting. “On Friday evenings we’ll representatives from the library heavily Victorian undertones to an be bringing in outside entertainment assure the Dartmouth Community elegantly quaint social space with for further fun,” reports Sanborn that a Safety and Security officer heavily Victorian undertones. While librarian Linda Manning. “We’ll will be perched on a stool in the this term’s schedule of Sanborn have popular musical artists come in corner in case things get raucous. After Dark activities is still in the to read poetry—but not too loudly— Says Manning, “This shit will be Have fun, but not too loudly. works, representatives from the and magicians performing only fucking lit.” DDS Renames DBA to Din-Din Freshman Gets Dining Dollaroonies Raging Hard-On from By JIMMITY JIM-JIM The Dartmovth Staff Asking Clarifying

Dartmouth Dining Services has announced that as part of a series of Questions in Class changes to their meal programs, they will be renaming DBA to Din-Din By LEX CUSEME Dining Dollaroonies. The Dartmovth Staff “We think students are going to like this change,” says head chef Early yesterday morning Kelly Brompton. “DBA was an during the first meeting of outdated term. With Din-Din Dining Professor Ben Jordan’s BIOL Dollaroonies, you can still buy the 006 class, freshman Daniel same yummy-yum tummy munch Samson ’22, sources report, without the confusion.” became visibly and violently “At first, I thought the change was Din-Din Dining Dollaroonies will make meal plans less confusing than before. aroused after his own line of unnecessary and dumb,” says Jessica banal questioning. Thornpoll ’21. “But then I bought a tonguey-wungey pink-dink sneeple- So-bo me-me change-wange blangy According to Hannah chicky-wicky sandmunch and I felt snortle. I squeally-really hearty-like blang. Din-Din Dining Dollaroonies Bennington ’20, Samson too- just tooty-tummy gooby-good.” Din-Din Dining Dollaroonies! nowie-owie. Goop! Pleep-snirp eagerly asked “are we going to be “I felt kind of weird asking We spoke to Executive Manager scraggle-waggle goo-boo moo- using the X-hours?” immediately students for Din-Din Dining Susan Khalam, who lead the push moo plerp merp. Snaaaaaaaaaaarp. after Professor Jordan introduced Dollaroonies instead of DBA,” said for the name change. “I alwally- Snarp!” the class structure and Like, he could have figured that out Collis food service worker Matt bally thenky-thunk Dooboo Beeboo At press time, deedly doople assignments, followed quickly just by browsing the Canvas page for Yerrof. “But now it just rolls off the A-bee wassy boo-bad bee-bad!! darple dorp. by “just to clarify, how many five seconds.” Matthewson reported midterms are we going to have?” that Samson then began to let loose Bennington said, “At first breathy moans and murmured it just seemed like another “oh God yes” during a line of sycophantic freshman attempting questioning regarding the formatting to suck up to the professor by of the midterm lab report. asking a number of easily- According to sources from the answerable questions, but then class, when Professor Jordan finally it became obvious he really just decided to cease answering Samson’s got off on it.” Sources report questions about formatting, Samson Samson’s questions became ’22 got out of his seat and approached more frequent and more forceful Professor Jordan at the front of the after he appeared to become class. Reportedly, Samson then increasingly aroused by his own leaned in close to Professor Jordan’s questions. ear and, in a sultry and gasping Student Paul Matthewson whisper, asked: “single-spaced or ’21 said it “got kind of weird double-spaced?” before unleashing when he popped a boner after a guttural, ground-shaking moan interrupting Professor Jordan and collapsing in a heap of sexual just to ask: ‘are the lecture slides satisfaction right on the classroom going to be uploaded to Canvas?’ floor. The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 7 Fraternity Archaeologists Discover Evidence of First Known Pong Game By MATT ERIALCULTURE found definitive proof that Uruk player — probably the first known was the first city where people frat star.” The Dartmovth Staff knew how to party,” said Brad A soil analysis of the Uruk Harrison, dig director and social site revealed that nearly the A team of archaeologists from chair. “We aren’t sure if pong was entire ground was covered a local fraternity has uncovered associated with a fertility ritual, a with compounds thought to be evidence of the first known pong harvest ceremony, or something derived from beer, showing that game in human history, indicating else entirely — but we can say the ancient Mesopotamians did that early human societies were for certain that this is the most not hold back whatsoever in more ragey than previously lit ancient civilization known to their efforts to rage anytime and thought. date.” anywhere. An excavation outside of the Brooks Lewis, another “Most people in Uruk died ancient Mesopotamian city of archaeologist and fraternity around the age of 30, probably Uruk revealed stone tables and member, said that the excavation because they spent every day and artifacts which the archaeologists uncovered pong-related clay night partying like there was no hypothesize to be related to pong. figurines in burial sites, indicating tomorrow,” Lewis said. “We’re Radiometric dating indicated that the people of Uruk lived and not really sure how they managed that these artifacts were created died for sinking those halves. to produce enough food, because around 3400 BC, meaning that the “We found one burial where it seems like every man, woman, residents of Mesopotamia’s first the bones were surrounded by and child was totally and city had started to become cool at dozens of figurines of pong completely committed to pong.” a much earlier time than previous players, including figurines made Upon the completion estimates. of precious stones only found in of their investigation, the “When we uncovered clay the Zagros Mountains,” Lewis archaeologists reported that the tables, balls, and paddles all in said. “We believe that this was city probably collapsed after it one place, we knew that we had the burial site of a revered pong was derecognized for hazing.

Hanlon Announces Failure of Easily Pleased Scientists Report That If Novack “Moving Dartmouth Forward” Chairs Were A Little More Cozy, Well That Would Because Dartmouth Still Not in Just Be Pretty Neat Now Wouldn’t It? By ALLIE KNIGHTER Upon further analysis, experts if the backs were softer, that would New Haven The Dartmovth Staff have added that it is nice to feel be nifty, and the cat’s pajamas. Very cozy. Another expert in this field, nice. By ELI YAEL A recent report by a cohort of Sasha Sherman, reported, “I study in Furthermore, the scientists’ The Dartmovth Staff easily pleased Dartmouth scientists Novack sometimes and the chairs are predictions detail a timeline in Just three weeks after the has demonstrated that if the chairs not bad but if they were better then which it would be really splendid if Board of Trustees announced that in Novack were made to be a little that would just be the bee’s knees.” they could be cozy soon, and then Dartmouth’s Latin motto would more cozy, well, that would be Additional studies confirm that that would lead to a very groovy not be changed to “Lux et Veritas,” pretty neat, right? gee, we don’t need much. Maybe outcome. President Hanlon today announced “Yeah, that’d be swell,” just a nice cushion on each of the At press time, additional sources that his years-long “Moving relayed James Hannigan, leader chairs there, that would be good. have contributed the supplementary Dartmouth Forward” initiative of the cohort. “I would like it very Not even a thick cushion, even just a evidence that “Oh yes, that would be would draw to a close after mass much.” normal one would be neat-o. Or just just dandy.” backlash to his plan to move the A new college logo design proposed by college to New Haven, Connecticut. President Hanlon under the MDF plan. “Let it be known,” stated Hanlon in a speech to alumni and students on building… just think... your dorm campus, “that my Moving Dartmouth could have had a cool rec room Forward program was only meant called a ‘buttery!’” At the very least, to create a better Dartmouth. I tried I think you all would have loved my to increase the college’s academic plan to change the college’s colors rigor so that we could finally become to blue and white. So just remember, the second-best Ivy, just behind even if the board won’t allow me to Harvard. The house communities complete my plan, even if you were were only put in place so that you one of the people who made fun could get a taste of what it’s like of MDF over the last few years… to go to a school with centuries-old remember that I always knew it was residential colleges rather than a leading us in the right direction. And deeply entrenched Greek system. that direction was southwest down My focus on graduate programs was I-91, straight toward New Haven.” truly all in good faith - I just wanted At press time, President Hanlon to give Dartmouth the opportunity to announced that in spite of MDF’s have some famous graduate alumni failure, he will still continue his -- you know, like the Clintons! And push to give Dartmouth the official don’t forget about the new common mascot it has long deserved: a small rooms I wanted to put in every dorm bulldog named Handsome Dan. Page 8 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Landmines Claim Two in Bonfire Safety Measure By HOMER COMING However, it remains unclear The shocking deaths of the The Dartmovth Staff whether Schmidt and Cornish two freshmen have incurred severe Controversy has erupted since were actually participating in this backlash from Dartmouth alumni as Homecoming Weekend as heightened tradition when they succumbed to well as international human rights safety measures have led to the the landmines. “I’m pretty sure they watchdogs. “The development and deaths of two Dartmouth freshmen. just tripped over the caution tape or usage of anti-personnel mines has In a disastrous chain of events, First- something,” recounts one onlooker. technically been outlawed since the year undergraduates Perry Schmidt “I don’t think they were intentionally 1997 Ottawa Treaty,” UNHRC officer and David Cornish were blown apart breaking any rules.” Sydney Tilson told reporters, “So yeah, by landmines when they entered The administration was quick this concerns us. I can’t say for sure at the restricted zone surrounding the to issue a response to the incident this point, but it seems likely that the homecoming bonfire. on Saturday. The statement reads, College will face trial in international The incident follows a joint “Student wellbeing has always been court.” effort by the College and the Town our priority. The fact is that the bonfire With the prospect of being of Hanover to increase security at and its related traditions have long summoned to The Hauge looming the annual bonfire event. The recent raised concerns from pyrotechnic overhead, Dartmouth has been forced initiative was brought on by concerns specialists. To protect students from to reevaluate certain other security about the homecoming tradition of endangering themselves, we simply measures as well. At press time, the “touching the fire,” in which first-year decided that anyone who steps foot in College has canceled plans to carry students attempt to get as close to the the Demilitarized Bonfire Safety Zone out drone strikes on students caught bonfire as possible without being should be absolutely eviscerated by fornicating on President Hanlon’s front caught by security. landmines.” lawn. Male Student In WGSS Class Undeniably Woke, but Also Mind-Bogglingly Stupid

By JENN DER empowering women to be proud of gender-neutral bathrooms, the The Dartmovth Staff themselves. I was sitting there and only way to convince them will be Optimistic Freshman Still Just days after the completion of thinking ‘Holy shit, this guy totally to remove all bathrooms from all the final graded discussion for their gets it. He’s woke as hell!’ But buildings in the country. The week Thinks Trippees Will Get Meal “Intro to Feminism” course, a small then he launched into a five-minute before that, he spent ten minutes group of Dartmouth WGSS students argument about how the only logical talking about how more people need Sometime Soon has come forward to announce that solution to the issue is to convict all to understand the importance of By SAL T. DOG directly over the course of the past while classmate Dustin Crosby ‘20 is of Sephora’s chief executives, and I wage gap, and then proposed that The Dartmovth Staff week without getting any replies, more aware of contemporary gender was just dumbfounded. How could we increase awareness by making Although she has not had but deep down I know they’re all equality issues than any man they’ve someone so in tune be so vacuous?” the wage gap bigger! I mean, I’m an extended conversation still there for me.” ever met, his wokeness is entirely Professor Michelle Kingston, a professor, not a miracle worker. with anyone else on Section Completely oblivious to the fact neutralized by his supreme, unrivaled who has taught Dartmouth’s “Intro What the hell am I supposed to do E whitewater kayaking since that every other member of her trip stupidity. to Feminism” course for the past with that?” returning from First-Year trips had long since established a strong “The other day in class, we five years, confirmed this account of At press time, Crosby could nearly nine weeks ago, freshman social network at Dartmouth outside were talking about perceptions of Crosby’s complete stupidity. “Dustin be found on the first floor of Baker Sheila Whittaker remains of trips, Whittaker concluded self-image,” said WGSS major is a uniquely aware student,” said Library, staring at the thirteenth page entirely convinced that she, the interview on a hopeful note, Rachael McNamara. “All of a Kingston, “so it’s a shame that his of his “Intro to Feminism” final essay, her trip leaders, and all of her stating, “I bet we’ll start planning sudden, Dustin raised his hand and complete inability to think logically which examines the structural causes trippees will get together in the dinner later this week! I would love made this incredible point about will keep him from ever having an behind women’s underrepresentation near future for a reunion dinner. to go to Molly’s, but honestly I’d be how the fashion industrial complex impact on society. I mean, last week, in prominent STEM fields and “We had such a great time on fine with Noodle Station, a low-key manipulates women by preying on Dustin argued that if conservative concludes by arguing for the abolition the river during our trip, so I’m trip to Foco light side, or, honestly, superficial insecurities rather than politicians can’t get on board with of all modern engineering. sure that all my trippees are just even just coffee and a scone at dying to meet up again for dinner KAF. Literally anything works for sometime,” said Whittaker, me. I just want to see my trippees speaking between glances at the all together again!” trippee GroupMe which has been At press time, sources familiar entirely inactive since Week 1. with the members of Section E “I just think Trips is such a great whitewater kayaking confirmed program. It really does give you that Whittaker’s trippees have a group of lifelong friends just in not thought about Trips since late time for the start of your college September, and none of them plan career. And yeah, it’s true that to communicate with Whittaker at I’ve texted all of my Trippees any point in the next four years. The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 9 Frat Explodes Into Cloud of Smoke After Professor Sort of Hot By FRAN T. ROW Pong Game Played Without Brother on Table a professor.” The Dartmovth Staff By LINUS FIVE quartet was able to align the cups into life: a brother must be on table at all This sentiment seems to be agreed The Dartmovth Staff a tree and begin play. The instant the times.” Visiting Lecturer Dr. George P. upon by all class members, as noted ball met the paddle for the first serve, In its official statement on the Woodward was surprised to find that by Chad McGovern ‘19, who says, On Monday evening, the Beta the fraternity exploded into a cloud of matter, the IFC proclaimed “We enrollment in his 10A GEOG 53: “Woodward? Oh yeah, he’s my boy. Alpha Omega fraternity exploded smoke, unable to continue on. cannot tolerate such behavior in Geographical Implications of Big That guy fucks.” into a cloud of smoke after a game Fraternity President Curtis Page our Greek spaces. Nothing this bad Data class had more than doubled Class participation and office hour of pong was played without a brother ‘19 reacted with sadness to the has ever happened in a fraternity between the class’s first and second attendance have been remarkably high on table. Witnesses report that the loss of the fraternity house, telling basement at Dartmouth before. We meeting. Sources have concluded throughout the term, and thanks to incident occurred around midnight reporters, “A terrible tragedy has stand in solidarity with with Beta.” that this unexpected increase in Dartmouth’s “Take Your Professor to after four non-brothers decided to set occurred here. We will immediately Director of Greek Life Cole enrollment is because Professor Lunch” Program, Woodward has eaten up their own game after the brother on begin an investigation to determine Greenwood said that “many Woodward is sort of hot. gnocchi and oysters at Pine with a table lost and went to bed. what went wrong. Tomorrow, I will unaffiliated students might not realize Students learned of this exciting different student on the college’s dime Despite being forced to find their organize a full brotherhood meeting to that this rule isn’t just meant to enforce information due to a finsta post made every single weekday this term. own cups and cans of Keystone, the emphasize the core tenant of fraternity power hierarchies between affiliated on September 13th by ‘20 Ashley Shaila Moore, ‘21, has taken men and literally everyone else in Zoratto, who informed her nearly Woodward to a “super special dinner” the basement — it also prevents the 200 followers that Woodward, 49, at Moosilauke Ravine Lodge and fraternity from exploding” was “daddy af [editor’s note: “as “stopped by” every office hour this Rush chairs on campus see the fuck”],” and that he could “probably term “mostly just to chat.” “Yeah, I’d be rule as of utmost importance as well. get it.” When asked for clarification, dtf [editor’s note: “down to fuck”] if he “We need to enforce this rule to Zoratto said, “I mean, he was hotter was really trying to risk it all,” Moore continue giving men a reason to rush than I expected a professor to be, you says before adding, “Wait, you’re not and recruit strong pledge classes” said know what I mean?” Additionally, actually printing this, right?” Beta’s rush chair JP Henry ‘21. she noted, he had “major discount Dr. Woodward’s 19W class, GEOG At press time, fraternities were George Clooney vibes.” 59: The Geography of Ocean Crevices revising their rules to call for at least “I would definitely say is expected to be extremely sought four brothers on table, with a fifth Woodward is like a West Leb after. Zoratto has already announced brother laying across on table to act as Walmart-brand George Clooney,” her plans to take the class, saying, the median, to prevent a repeat of the added classmate Erica Lee, ‘20. “I think I might end up getting an explosion. “Like, he’s hot, I guess? But, like, for accidental Geography Minor. Yikes.” STUDENT SPOTLIGHT CONJUNCTIVITIS JIM

At first glance, Jim Becker ‘20 may seem like a typical Dartmouth student. He majors in Economics, plays on the club ice hockey team, and enjoys spending time with his fraternity brothers in the evenings. But look closer, and you’ll see that Jim is unique in one big way: He always has pinkeye. When people initially meet Jim, Dr. Tedros Adhanom, the they sometimes wonder if he didn’t director-general of the World get enough sleep last night, if he is Health Organization, said that Jim high, or if he was crying recently. is a main focus of the entire agency. But make no mistake — Jim’s eyes “We sent a team of are constantly red and inflamed epidemiologists to investigate Jim, because he’s carrying around a nasty but none of them found answers case of bacterial conjunctivitis. and all of them contracted terrible “I’ve had pinkeye for as long cases of pinkeye,” Dr. Tedros said. as I can remember, so I don’t really “He’s completely disgusting, but mind it anymore,” Jim said, rubbing also incredible.” his left eye with his open palm. “I Tedros said that the World think it’s something that makes me Health Organization has shelved a little bit special.” its efforts to control malaria, It’s no coincidence that Jim’s tuberculosis, and obesity-related arrival at Dartmouth in fall 2016 disorders in order to focus all its coincided with an uptick in pinkeye resources on Jim. cases around campus. The first To Jim, a highly-contagious eye outbreak mainly affected freshman infection is just another aspect of on Section G of DOC First-Year his identity. Trips, which, unsurprisingly, was “I sometimes say that I have a Jim’s trip section. Later outbreaks contagious smile, and an even more were observed in Jim’s freshman contagious strain of pinkeye,” Jim floormates, in his Anthropology 1 said, flicking a bit of eye discharge classmates, and in the population of into the air. “I love the fact that I can Madrid, Spain, where Jim studied make an impact on the lives of so abroad during his sophomore fall. many people.” Page 10 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2018 EVENTS AT DARTMOUTH Report: Literally Everyone Having Fun TODAY TOMORROW without You Right Now 10:10 - 11:15 a.m. 9:30 a.m.-11 a.m. By AL ONE Be inspired by the power of KAF line The Dartmovth Staff learning Professor Ikari of the Dartmouth 5 p.m. sociology department just 11:30 a.m.-12:35 p.m. Sit in the circle booths on released the results of a year-long Be mind-numbingly bored Light Side Foco experiment in a report entitled: by the power of learning “A Comprehensive Study on Why You’re a Sad, FriendlessLoser.” The 11 p.m. report, as the abstract states, seeks to 6:30 p.m. Attend Deci Shebaplum “…prove once and for all, through Massage by Frank Cordfusionbros show at the use of rigorous peer-reviewed Tri-Kap experimentation, that all your deep- seated insecurities about everyone 10:30 p.m. All 4,400 Dartmouth students are currently having fun. enjoying themselves in (or possibly Thirty-eight mozz sticks because of) your absence are all that of someone who actually has of other human beings who, in true. Throughout this report, we fun. excluding you from their activities, will systematically demonstrate that “Pete Anderson has repeatedly are certainly experiencing a level yes, each and every other person is expressed interest in grabbing of satisfaction that is significantly Puzzles currently experiencing some level lunch with you during your higher than your own. Thus, as Ikari of joy or contentment without you; brief encounters,” reports Ikari. concludes: “You’re probably just a igure out ho s ho we will thus be able to corroborate “However, sources show that shitty person to be around.” F W ’ W ! how much of a fucking loser you Pete instead grabs lunch with his Man, I sure am glad that I now 1. Andy, Bobby, and Charlie are neighbors. are.” beautiful girlfriend every day, often have verifiable proof that my - per 2. There is a green shirt, a purple shirt, and a black shirt. What interesting findings! having incredible sexual intercourse ceived social isolation is, in fact, 3. There is a red house, a blue house, and a yellow house. Professor Ikari’s study is obviously with her afterwards. The same very real social isolation from all 4. The man with the black shirt lives next to the man in the blue house. incredibly comprehensive, so we sources found that, while Pete was my peers. Ha. Ha ha. HAhahaHA- 5. Bobby just went through a traumatic divorce with his wife, Jillian. will not include every example of having a great lunch and hot sex, haha AHahahahahaaHahaahahaha- 6. Andy does not have the green shirt. someone who is being entertained you were sitting in your dorm eating HAHAhahaHAhaahaHAaHAHA- 7. Bobby has sunk into a deep depression. His alcoholism and fits of anger in some way somewhere devoid of a cold Novack sandwich. According haHAHAHAAHHAAhaAHAHA- your presence. Though, rest assured, have recently gotten him fired from his job. Bobby has nowhere to turn. to our research, the sandwich was HaHaHAHAHAhaAHAHAHAHA- the full list does include literally blandand joyless, just like you.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- 8. Charlie has the black shirt. everyone. We have instead picked Man, that was absolutely soul HAHaAHAHAHAHAHAHA 9. Why the fuck does Charlie have a black shirt? Bobby wonders. What out an example that we believe crushing, and that was just one the fuck does he have to mourn? Has Jillian torn his heart out of his chest? exemplifies the startling disparity example. Ikari’s report includes someone please ask me to grab Charlie has a job, a wife, and a dog. What did he do to deserve his perfect between your daily experience and hundreds of similar instances some lunch fucking life? Does Charlie think he’s better than me? 10. Bobby is lashing out against Charlie. Charlie no longer feels safe in his red house. He files for arestraining order against Bobby, just like the one Jillian filed a few months ago. EvenAndy is scared of Bobby’s violent temperament. Bobby has lost his wife and his neighbors. He has lost his will to live. He continues to drown his sorrows in whiskey every night. Bobby is empty inside. 11. Andy lives in the yellow house.

Play Them on Paper, Just Like Grandpa Used to!

Hop Burger Specials Becoming Increasingly Sexual By DEE LICIOUS their name game, and according Café Marketing Director Tania The Dartmovth Staff to an exit poll of students who Robbins also noted that the Hop is ordered the specials, burgers such considering expanding the naming Several weeks ago, bemused as the Juicy Mouth Explosion, the practice to other dishes. “Come students confronting the dinner Hot and Saucy, and the Cum And winter term,” she said, “you might rush at the Courtyard Café Get This Thicc Meat have attracted see the Love Me Tender Queso on received a moment of levity from interest from across campus. the menu.” the weekly special, advertised as “I almost never eat at the At press time, the sound of the Big D Burger. Since then, the Hop anymore,” commented Kate enthusiastic students ordering Hop has been leaning into the Santos, ‘20, “but when I heard this week’s burger, whose name positive reception and making about the Oh God, Please, Fuck is a series of gasps and groans the names of their burger specials Me Now, I Just Can’t Wait Any followed by a sustained, orgasmic more suggestive each week. Longer Burger, I had to come moan, could be heard all the way Indeed, the Hop has stepped up check it out.” from the jewelry studio. The Dartmovth ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT @now, 2018 Page 11 Frat Hosts Casual Sugaire Ujimatones Hop to Show Only Dodecadogapellas By SUE SHELCAPITAL “Shrek 2” Next Year The Dartmovth Staff By DON KEH comedic genius of Mike Myers and This past Wednesday night, The Dartmovth Staff Eddie Murphy in the animated forms the Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity of an ogre and a donkey. I couldn’t hosted Casual Sugaire Ujimatones This week, Dartmouth’s be happier to see this change taking Dodecadogapellas, a simultaneous Hopkins Center for the Arts place.” performance of eight different announced plans to show only Other students were merely improvisational, dance, and a the animated children’s film surprised that the Hop is intended cappella groups. known as “Shrek” for the entirety for student enjoyment: “I thought the “We saw that Alpha Chi was of the 2019-2020 performance Hop only showed stuff for all the old The performance transcended laws of space and time. hosting Subtlefusion Sings,” said season. The decision comes on the people in town. Like, what student house manager Ken Dannal ’19. “So audience members due to the one of performers imploded and formed a heels of extensive meetings and really wants to see a deconstructed we had to one-up them.” hundred and thirty-six performers.” hyper-dense singularity, from which deliberations held in an effort to jazz composition inspired by classical At 11:00 p.m., the improv group At 11:15, Casual Thursday began even light could not escape. rebrand the Hop to appeal more music in the vein of romanticism?” Casual Thursday, the dance group to perform at the same time as the “Yeah it was pretty cool,” strongly to the Dartmouth culture. wondered Allie Ramirez ’19. “I Sugarplum, the a cappella group the Brovertones. remarked Emma Samson ’21. “During these meetings, we can’t believe they’ve actually been Dartmouth Aires, the dance group “At that point, it was hard for “Especially when I felt indescribable definitely came to our senses” expecting students to come to this Ujima, the a cappella group the me to hear the cowboy giving birth pain in every fiber of my being as my said Samantha Day, Director stuff all along. I guess ‘Shrek’ will do Brovertones, the a cappella group the ‘cause of the Beach Boys medley,” body was stretched to the thickness of Operations for the Hop. “All the trick though.” Dodecaphonics, the improv group said Tim Ryan ’20. “Then Ujima of a nanotube. Pretty sick.” along, we’ve been thinking that As part of the final deliberation Dog Day, and the a cappella group began to dance to “Umbrella” and I Following the complete these supposedly intelligent and process, the Hop has recently been the Rockapellas gathered on the first couldn’t see anything.” destruction of the fraternity, gifted students would look to the showing limited screenings of floor of the fraternity. “I was one By 11:20, all eight groups onlookers reported that they could Hop for opportunities to expand “Shrek” as a litmus test of student of the first in line when the doors had begun to perform in the main still hear a faint echo of a skillful their cultural and intellectual attendance. “We’ve already gotten opened,” said Jenna Pollemp ’22. room. Reports indicate that at arrangement of “Walking in horizons. But apparently what they more students to the Hop watching “But they only had room for two approximately 11:23, the huge mass Memphis.” really want is just 200 consecutive ‘Shrek’ over the past two weekends showings of ‘Shrek.’” than every Telluride showing we’ve Initial student reactions appear ever had put together,” explained Day. positive. Alex Stanton ’20 was Despite the overwhelming initial particularly ecstatic, proclaiming support of this plan by the Hop, “‘Shrek’ is my all-time favorite sources confirm that rumblings of movie and I’m glad to see it getting discontent still persist in the student the respect it deserves. It’s so body, namely over the fact that the limiting being at an Ivy League Hop should’ve picked the superior institution that thinks it’s above the sequel “Shrek 2” instead.

Review: Dartmouth P.E. Classes wicked Spirits are summoned from wholly debased! By EZEKIEL “ZEKE” EPHRAIM the Lair of Lucifer. For a full Hour, Yet, there are those who BAREBONE a Company of Youth capered from have not flown so quickly from The Dartmovth Staff side to side in a Hall, and contorted virtuous Toil. The following Day, their Bodies in beastly ways; with I joined a Group I saw advertised In the interest of every Gyration of their Waists and as “SoulCycle,” which I took as a acknowledging our College’s Trembling of their Buttocks, I fear good Omen that it may enrich both Puritan roots, this review comes their Souls were drawn further into Body and Spirit. Each of us was from one of our most senior the Realm of Satan, who is Chiefest perched on a strange Contraption, contributors, Ezekiel “Zeke” among Devills. much resembling a Blacksmith’s Ephraim Barebone. In a different Room another treadle-powered Grinding Wheel, unholy Congregation sat assembled which we spun vigorously with NOVEMBER THE TENTH, IN on a floor, and twisted their various our Feet. We were directed to drive THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO Limbes unnaturally into Knottes, these ever-faster by a Woman, THOUSAND AND EIGHTEEN which seemed more Convoluted somewhat advanced in age, with even than the famous Knotte of a stern Countenance and an iron IT IS CUSTOMARY for the Gordian recalled in Myth. This Constitution- Traits much to be Scholars of this College to attend, abominable Sorcery was called desired in an Instructor of Youth! not only to their Intellectual & “Yogha,” and I vowed henceforth So great was my Exertion that the Spiritual Edification, but also to never to lay Eye on its Horrors sweat poured liberally forth from the Maintenance of their Bodily again. every part of my Body. On account Health & Condition, this being O, how distantly from the Path of this Exertion, we all suffered accomplished through Practices of Righteousness have these Youth grievously; so doing, we atoned known as “Physickal Education.” strayed! Whereas in my own Day, collectively for our Sins, and were This past harvest Season, I this “Physickal Education” was brought into closer Relation to God endeavoured to assess the Merits accomplished by the Undertaking thereby. of these Practices. So doing, I have of honest & fruitful Labour; as I have Hope, therefore, that not witnessed woeful Spectacles, the harvesting Cordwood for the all Youth have abandoned Principle memory of which I can only pray coming Winter, impaling and and Decency in their Activities, and fades quickly. One such Activity, fortifying the Village against that some will yet apply themselves commonly called “Zoomba,” can Attack by Hostiles, &c., yet in to honourable Practices to ward be no other than a Rite by which the present Tyme it is all become away the sins of Sloth and Languor. Guys’ Sports Girls’ Sports Getting Lit: At the Cube Hiking: To Tails at Heorot Rollerskiing: Wherever The Hell That Happens The Shuttle Run: At Hanover High Not Nutting: In November Frolicking: On the Green Talking Loudly: On 3FB SPORTS Being Better than the Boys: Always Page 12 @now, 2018 Nordic Skiers Actually Just Training Fencing Club Announces for that Weird Rollerblading Shit Transition to Mercenary Club By DAN GEROUS reserve it on time. Medium size jobs By WILLIE FAST The Dartmovth Staff have included a full wipe of third The Dartmovth Staff floor Bissell, as the UGA on that With all the attention that A few weeks ago, the Dartmouth floor was absolutely done with her Dartmouth pays to its Nordic skiing college fencing club announced residents’ shenanigans. Larger, more athletes, some may not realize that that the student group was to go luxurious packages have included a the sport is nothing more than an through some massive organizational night raid on Sigma Alpha Epsilon, offseason training regimen for that changes. Instead of continuing as college administrators felt it was weird rollerblading shit. its tenure as a fencing club where the easiest way out of their ongoing “We get to be such experienced students could train their fencing predicament. The brothers put up a Nordic skiers, that some people seem skills and compete nationally, it valiant fight, and two members were to get the impression that skiing is our will now be a mercenary club where lost in the battle. actual sport,” said Zach Funklestein students can train their murdering However, by far their largest ‘20, one of the team’s co-captains skills and kill people for money. mission was their full scale military To some, this transition comes as a for the 2019 season. “And honestly, I What do you even call this? campaign against Brown University. get it. There aren’t many teams in the surprise, as the team just recently won It included a cavalry assault made Northeast that can outdo us out on the if you’re successfully holding up the trees and shrubs in our way are club nationals making it the best club possible by the assistance of the trails. But that’s just a result of our a column of furious drivers. Each like the cars and pedestrians we’d team in the nation. Team member Jim Dartmouth equestrian team. Brown year-long dedication to improving our second someone spends blaring their normally be dodging while we go Wayne, ’20, who was one of the main fencers took up arms to defend bizarre rollerblading game.” horn at you gets deducted from your zinging around Occom Pond. Of proponents of the change, explained themselves during the struggle, A typical competition will consist overall time.” course, it would be better if we had the team’s reasoning. but thanks to superior training of either a road race or a solo time trial. Nordic skis aren’t a perfect moving obstacles, but we just have “I thought joining the Fencing techniques of the Dartmouth Mercs “Speed is important, but it isn’t substitute for those roller-blades, to work with what we’ve got. There team would give me clout and social club, they “killed the competition.” everything,” observed Funklestein. according to Eustace Babblinger ‘21. is one realistic element: while we’re capital,” Wayne said. “But apparently Members of the new club are “Especially during the single- But during the harsh winter months, out skiing, all the wildlife we pass even after winning gold for my excited about the new changes. competitor time trial runs. You lose the team has limited options for just stops and stares at us like we’re individual performance, no one really Elenore Barter ’19 said, “I points if you don’t look casual enough training. giant morons, just like passersby do gave a shit about me or the team.” thought normal fencing was a great as you coast down a gentle grade, or if “All the snow and slush and ice on during our competitions.” Gemma Rooter ’21, added, “I outlet for the murderous desires I you don’t hit the asphalt hard enough the roads makes them too dangerous,” Overall, the team is glad to have thought being an athlete would get have kept hidden for long. Turns with your poles going up a hill. But Babblinger explained. “So even a way to keep in form during the me laid. Apparently fencers aren’t out, real murder is a better outlet!” you can earn points back based on though it’s completely lame and offseason. the type of athletes everyone wants Rooter also felt like this will the amount of neon green you’re boring by comparison, Nordic skiing “Once the snow melts, we’ll be to have sex with.” improve her chances of having sex. wearing.” is our only recourse.” glad we spent all that time out in the According to the fencing team “I’m hoping my higher body count In road races with multiple Despite these drawbacks, the team woods,” said Jason Higgsbother ‘21. captain Jett Row ‘19, the team sought gets me a higher body count, if you competitors, the rules are slightly has been able to make do. “Once we can get off the trails and to remedy this issue by turning to the know what I mean,” said Rooter, different, says Funklestein: “If you “We try to make our winter training start hitting the smaller residential sport’s historic roots – murder. staring at our interviewer with, cold, don’t veer far enough into passing as realistic as possible,” noted Geoffrey streets of Hanover for the first time Where the new club really differs lifeless eyes. traffic, you might be penalized. Clattertrap ‘19. “So while we’re out all year, we’ll know all the skiing from the fencing team of old is that Anyone can hire the Dartmouth Usually, the officials are only happy on the ski trails, we’ll pretend that all was worth it.” now people can hire them to murder Mercenaries and any singular person people. The services the club is or larger group can be subject to willing to provide differ in both attack. The new organization expects Report: Everyone Knows Athletes Are Too magnitude and size. An example that the new flow of income will of a smaller, more inexpensive job allow them to buy better weapons Dumb to Be Here but No One Says it Because when the club has sent two of its and travel to farther locations. As members to slash down a group in compensation, the club will accept They’re Trying to Have Sex With Them a study room on first floor berry, payments in cash, check, DASH or By VERA SITY up to par and add a lot to school Are you kidding me right now? because their clients forgot to Venmo. (Editor’s Note: Nolan James’ The Dartmovth Staff spirit.” Are you complaining about the girlfriend, Emma Matthews ’20 of the veritable buffet of Adonises to An exhaustive investigation by our women’s rugby team, was present for whom I granted entry to Dartmouth team has found that most Dartmouth this interview). College? Verily have I granted students know that student-athletes Next, our team decided to unto you a Foco dark-side full are not academically qualified enough broaden our search for answers and of mouth-wateringly gorgeous to be admitted to Dartmouth, but reached out to Li Wei, a prospective fuck-machines with binary GPAs, refuse to say so as they hope to have Chinese student who was rejected and yet you gripe? You apelike, sexual encounters with said athletes. from Dartmouth last summer. “Yeah, flabby, SHORT ingrates, unable When our team reached out I’ve cured three types of cancer. But to fathom peak physical condition to previously helpful anonymous I assume those Dartmouth athletes even as you develop carpal tunnel sources, they refused to come forward, bring in huge revenues and trophies clacking away at keyboards, you because, as one source put it, “I’m what with all those championships GRIPE? Mark my words, you, and tryna fuck a skier. Yeah, he’s dumb, they must win.” said Wei, “Plus, I all the underprivileged mathletes but he, like, skis. That’s hot” Our team mean, I’ve seen the Dartmouth Sports in America will NEVER succeed decided to reach out to students who website. They could all get it. Like, in making Dartmouth College less not just intended to, but had indeed bad. Like, I would. Are you saying fuckable while I am in charge. Oh, “hit an athlete like they in varsity you wouldn’t? Come on.” and if you ever get lucky enough boxing, know what I’m saying.”, as Finally, our team reached out to straddle one of my beautiful, one source put it. to Bob Lang, Dean of the Office of mindless brutes for a single night, Nolan James ’20, had this to say: Admissions and Financial Aid for remember the name Bob Lang and “Um no, I actually don’t believe that his thoughts on the story. Here is his rejoice.” at all, I think athletes are absolutely unedited statement: “Excuse me? More on this story as it develops.