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volume 10 - issue 7 - tuesday, october 18, 2011 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by sarahperda As I arrived in McAuley Circle on fresh- man year move in day I knew I was going to love this school—though my overpro- tective father was slightly less beguiled than I was, watching the football team use their chiseled, muscly arms to tote all of my belongings up to my room was the greatest way to kick off my college career. My heart fluttered as three athletic gods swaggered over to my overstuffed vehicle, however my excitement quickly morphed into humili- ation. The first thing these beautiful men said to me was, “You’re from Connecticut, aren’t you?” As I stood there silent and pal- lid, begging my subpar social skills to pull through just this once, they simply laughed by gregfrancese and took my taciturnity as conformation and said, “We can always spot Connecti- I love reading the newspaper. Picking office. Now that I mention it, the post office and an interesting story here and there are cut girls, they always pack the most stuff.” up a copy of the New York Times before my was a miserable place. I remember it smell- not enough. Newspapers like the Chicago Needless to say, I was more than a little tak- 9:35 ENG 13 class was more than a ritual, it ing like a combination of spit and paper. Tribune and the Philadelphia Inquirer have en aback by their effrontery. I am not usu- was a means of survival. Discretely reading The walls, floors, lighting, and uniforms recently filed for bankruptcy. A couple of ally one to hold my tongue, however, forc- the newspaper during class was not only a worn by the workers were all gray. The Mc- years ago the New York Times threatened to ing them to carry up two colossal buckets challenge but also an art for me. Though it Donalds ball pit it was not. close down the Boston Globe (which it cur- of my shoes amongst my surplus of other was technically an introduction to fiction, Over the summer I worked a job where rently owns), lease out its brand new Man- belongings seemed punishment enough for the only thing I ever read was non-fiction. every second crawled slower than a sloth hattan skyscraper, and sell its stake in the their attitude, so I kept quiet. By the time 10:25 rolled around, my hands with no legs. In between the 3 hour gaps Boston Red Sox. The difficult transitional Though that was my first encounter with were covered in a layer of smudged ink and where I actually had to do work related stuff problems don’t stop at newspapers, how- hostility towards Nutmeggers, it was cer- the newspaper was carefully tucked into my I would read whatever I could find. Tourist ever. A few weeks ago I read that the US tainly not my last. In my experience, 96% backpack – to be finished in my next class. brochures, books about the history of horse Postal Service was on track to lose almost of this school is from New England, more Chances are good that I wasn’t the only racing, business cards – if it had words on $10 billion this year and that many rural specifically Connecticut, Massachusetts one preoccupied with reading the news. it, I read it. One day, though, I came into communities would end the year without or New York (which I understand is not Though instead of newspapers spread out work and there was a newsstand filled with their local post offices. My most recent visit technically New England, but since they across desks, a quick glance across the newspapers. You know that feeling when it to a post office demonstrates this decline share our attitude problem and impatience room would expose a dozen pairs of eyes rains for three days straight and all of a sud- firsthand. Instead of waiting in the seem- they may as well be) yet, for some ungodly transfixed on 2.5 inch Blackberry and den the sun comes out and the rain stops? ingly endless line I remembered, I was able reason, there is an unbelievable amount iPhone screens. That’s exactly how I felt. No longer would to walk right up an eager attendant. The of tension between the residents of each. Over the past 15 years we’ve seen the I have to sit and think of how many new same gray drab dominated the décor, but The Bay Staters constantly complain about disappearance of many of the technologies words I could make from the word “hotel.” the distinct smell of saliva and paper was Connecticuters’ inability to drive (oh, the we have been incredibly familiar with dur- We sold copies of the New York Times, gone. Borders, as anyone who has recently irony); Nutmeggers can’t stand when New ing our young lives. Running the risk of the Daily News, New York Post, and the lo- been on Church Street knows, went out of Yorkers all think they’re from the city (even sounding like a nostalgic senior citizen, I cal paper my town has. If I wanted to be en- business. Could this be a harbinger of the when they can practically claim residency remember when I was younger checking tertained by headlines such as “They Tried future of bookselling? Even the existence of in Canada); New Yorkers hate when the the newspaper for movie times. I also re- To Send Her to Rehab and She Said, ‘NO, the good ol’ reliable landline is endangered. Mass kids try to convince the world that member memorizing all my friends’ phone NO, NO,” (the day after Amy Winehouse’s Under the (mostly accurate) assumption the Red Sox really are just as good as the numbers. If a tally existed somewhere, my suicide) or “Stox go Down, Up, Down Like that everyone owns a cell phone, UVM has Yankees (for the record, I have no feelings mom’s pager number would have been my a Hooker” (self explanatory, no?), I had the ditched land lines in dorms and payphones on this particular brawl, so please don’t most frequently dialed. I also remember New York Post. If I wanted a textbook analy- are harder to come by on campus than seats send me hate mail). All of this hostility vi- how important I felt whenever I got a letter sis of the reasons why Newark, NJ not only in Bailey-Howe during finals week. ciously cycles and has lead me to wonder in the mail. I dreaded every time the phrase has higher crime and poverty rates than When Steve Jobs died the world knew one thing—why does this exist, and is it “I need to run errands” was uttered from New York City, but also higher heat wave about it right away. When Amy Winehouse unique to neurotic New Englanders? my mom’s mouth because it meant waiting temperatures, I had the New York Times. committed suicide I didn’t have to wait for Up until I arrived at UVM I always for what felt like hours in line at the post Sometimes, though, flashy headlines the risqué headline in the New York Post thought of New England as one entity ... read the rest on page 4 ... read the rest on page 5 who the fuck is herman moustaches of glory cavatappi cain? getting feist-y by jamiebeckett by dansuder by bendonovan by sarahmoylan by julietcritsimilios by bendonovan These are very, very strange times. Any- He’s a fantastic public speaker, address- H.R. 358- also known as the “Let Women Die” bill, the proposed statute lets hospitals body looking to squeeze any sort of rhyme ing rapt audiences on the campaign trail legally opt out of administering abortions even if the woman needs one because she or reason out of the race for the Republican who hang on his every word. His voice has is dying. Are the Republicans playing a joke on us?! Are they trying to come up with nomination for President ought to under- the cadence of a black preacher, and he uses Dear Rachel Bennett, more and more bonkers bills against women’s reproductive rights to see who comes up stand from the get-go that they’re engaged warm, folksy, down-home language that Hell yea girl. You’re article about Unbound Boobs Greetings UVM Student Body! with the craziest idea? Those silly upper white class males with no uteruses! So silly! in a fool’s errand. If you’re looking for an clearly appeals to people (“I was po’ be- rocks. You beautifully articulate yourself regarding a sub- We from the Board of Trustees, in a last effort to save underlying strain of internal logic that fore I was poor,” he remarked at last week’s ject that is not often spoken about. The point of a bra is our asses, would love to remind you of the progress we’ve People that take the bus one stop- Hey all you able bodied people that take the bus might make sense of this political Picasso Bloomberg debate). The guy’s clearly got to provide support and love. But for small breasted girls, made in listening to and satisfying your needs. Aside from one stop aka barely one block: there are large epidemics in our country called obesity, painting, I’d advise you to quit it right god- skills. support is not needed and in a sense, the bra becomes smaller classes, better paid professors, and less bureaucrat- heart disease, and depression.

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