We apolo- First to break the news that Santa gize in ad- Claus isn’t real. T h e N a t i r vance VOL. 8...No. 26 Copyright © 2018-19 The Natir Chicago, Illinois DECEMBER 2018 stritahs.com FREE BUT DONATIONS ACCEPTED St. Rita to implement class on empathy

Shifting from ‘Becoming a Ritaman’ to ‘Becoming a Normal Human’

KYLE GUSTAFSON ’19

Believe it or not, the end of the year is upon us, Confiscated Vape Devices and there seems to be more change in the air than just the weather. Indeed, as the first semester comes to a Repurposed For Mass close, the faculty at St. Rita has been meeting to dis- JOSHUA CARROLL ’22 cuss what aspects of the school are working and what Wednesday has become the favorite day colorful, so to speak. Students no longer hang needs to improve moving forward. of the week for Ritamen. Students wake up their heads or sit restlessly at Mass, they are While decisions are still being made, some infor- before their alarms go off and dress in their loving the new experience. mation about second semester changes is known at this time. For example, bread bowls will make their poorly-pressed shirts, pants, and ties. Bus A nice touch of the program is that Fr. Paul long-anticipated return to the Dining Hall, at least drivers pull up to the bus stop with smiles on often gives a shout-out to the student whose until the school runs out of the two-year-old bread their faces, and they arrive early to school. device is being used for the Mass. That stu- loaves they found in the basement just last week. It Friends and classmates greet one another as dent stands to rousing applause by the student has also been decided that one set of touch screen tele- they enter the building. The smell of cinna- body. Each week, students vote on the flavor visions that no one uses literally ever is not enough, mon rolls wafts from the Dining Hall. When that they want to be featured the following and seven more such displays will be incorporated in hallways throughout the school. the bell for activities period rings, the Rita- week. Favorite flavors include: Strawberry, The biggest change coming to St. Rita for the sec- men know what time it is. It’s time for Mass. Watermelon, and Passion Fruit. The winning ond half of the school year, however, is the addition A fruity smell comes from the chapel. In flavor of the week is broadcast in lights on the of a new class. Students returning from winter break fact, it permeates the halls and classrooms. message board on Western Avenue. It is ru- will now have the opportunity to take “Being a Normal As if almost mesmerized, the students walk mored that AP Chemistry students are work- Human.” Curriculum for the class will center around toward the sweet scent of banana nut bread ing to pioneer new flavors for Christmas. The the areas of personhood with which St. Rita students generally struggle, such as understanding others, hav- with anticipation of the start of a great day. students are voting on what to call the new ing emotions, and caring about anything. This is the not so average Wednesday at Chi- flavor, and so far the front-runner is Ginger- This one semester, 0.5-credit course will take the cago’s premier Catholic High School. bread Ritaman. place of a Theology class, as the faculty as a whole has Mass has taken on a whole new feel now Many local high schools have reached out agreed that they will need the help of God if they are that St. Rita’s Campus Ministry came up with to St. Rita to get details on how to implement to break through and turn Rita students into mind- an ingenious way to use confiscated vaping similar tactics in their school community. ful individuals. The course was suggested and will be taught by Mr. Kellam, who saw a need for the class in devices. During weekly Mass at St. Rita, the Since instituting this new program, St. Rita his teaching of vocations. priests and liturgical ministers use the vap- has seen a huge spike in the number of appli- “My job teaching my Vocations class,” Mr. Kellam ing devices to create incense clouds like noth- cants for the entrance exam. In fact, if oth- explained, “is to explain to my students what it means ing ever seen before. Imagine sitting in Mass er schools take up the practice, it may even to be a man in today’s society. This is incredibly dif- and being enveloped by the smell of Mango, increase participation of youth in church- ficult to do because my students don’t even know what Gummy Bear, or Banana Nut Bread. It is truly es across Chicagoland. Many in the St. Rita it means to be a human in today’s society.” “Human” meaning capable of the smallest bits of heavenly. community were initially skeptical about im- decency toward one’s fellow classmates, teachers, and During each Mass, a different flavor or plementing vaping in church, but the results citizens. As for the goals of the new class, Mr. Kellam scent is used to mix up the experience. Vape don’t lie. It is no surprise that St. Rita is the was realistic. clouds hover over the student’s heads as they frontrunner for an award by the Archdiocese “I simply want to enable these young men to start look up in awe and see the clouds pass by. The in recognition of increasing the amount of ap- reacting properly to the situations they find them- church uses the devices in a religious way and plicants for the priesthood. selves in,” he said while tying a bow tie with just one hand. “Hopefully by the end of the semester at least it makes Mass a little more atmospheric and a few of them will learn that if a hockey player is in- jured during a game you are supposed to feel bad for them instead of chanting ‘poo and lettuce’ as they are helped off the ice. Or that ‘sick’ is not a universal word that can be used in response to anything. He added quietly, “That’s the hope, anyways.” The Natir surveyed a significant portion of the stu- dent body about whether they would be receptive to or even take the class, but it is difficult to decipher anything meaningful from their recorded responses. Most students that responded with “Yep” did so in a voice too high to trust as genuine, and virtually all of the other answers were either “Got me” or just an “Aahhhh” sound accompanied by finger guns. Hope- fully these noises mean that students are on board, as the road to maturity and caring is a long one. Fresh off the fundraising and construction of a $2.8 million gym, teaching the student body at St. Rita em- pathy is likely the most ambitious goal in the school’s history. Starting next semester we will see just how achievable that goal is.

$$$$ LUNCH SPECIAL: $5 or free with the poinsettia or mistletoe saladsale of 100 Mustang Kellam explaining to a Vocations class why it’s not cool to consider feeding the poor to each other. Raffle tickets

STRITAHS.COM • A2• NEWS THE NATIR • DECEMBER 2018

HISTORY Was the Declaration of Independence the Founding Fathers’ Caritas Project?

PETER VIZ ’20

After taking a deeper look into the get their idea approved, then they would have to On the document Jefferson wrote, “Mr. McIn- process of how and why the Declaration of In- start from scratch. tosh, we were so excited about the idea of this dependence was created, it is obvious now that A while back papers were found which project that we did not have the time to worry the Founding Fathers used it as their Caritas have now been identified as the Caritas Propos- about organization or neatness.” He was right Project. Some of these men had personal con- al that would later be reviewed by other prom- about that, because on the document there are nections to St. Rita, so they felt like they had inent colonists and approved. There are many numbers everywhere with note and scribbles to do something to improve their community as good points that these Founding Fathers made, just about on every inch of it and vague designa- she did. What better way than to write your own but one particularly stands out. The line states, tions like “Research: 15 hours,” “Reflection: 10 country’s statement of independence from the “This project does not help you or me but all of hours,” and “Driving by buggy: 20 hours.” Be- tyrannical grip of the British. us and invites change for the entire country that sides this, their project went off without a hitch As some historians look deeper into this, desperately needs it.” Anyone can see that these and was very successful in rallying the people they have been able to find evidence about how guys did their homework and knew the certain and helping the community become better over much of this is true. Not too long ago a letter was things they would have to say in order for ap- time. found in Independence Hall written by Thomas proval to be almost automatic. Jefferson and to Benjamin Franklin that had a Next, they had to write and finalize the very interesting line in it. It read, “I feel that we Declaration of Independence and see what kind need to do something for the community be- of effect it would have on the community. Once cause they are being denied many things, and this was done, the men would go into different we need to fix that.” This very well might of kick towns and villages around the area to see if the started the entire movement of America’s push townspeople were getting the message they for freedom. were putting down. Of course this would be So these two men and John Adams, part of their human interaction portion of the who just tagged along because they felt bad for project along with some other goals that they him and his mom had connections, had their wanted to meet. idea and possible proposal. It is easier said than To meet the requirements of this project, done, though, because this was a very delicate the guys had to keep track of the time, in hours, process, and they had to be precise with each of what they did and how it was used for it. Time move along the way. Not only that, but the real sheets were made and have been found as of re- problem would be getting their proposal through cently, and they tell us a lot about the organi- Jefferson putting in 20 hours of “reflection.” to the other revolutionaries. If they could not zational skills that these men had at the time.

LOCAL NEWS

Global warming isn’t caused by what you think, according to local high school students

THOMAS GLEASON ’21

Global warming is a problem in the United States and around explains how the batteries in flashlights create a toxic heat that the world, but is it caused by what scientist say? The answer is no, warms the atmosphere. Sources say the student received a B+ and and the real causes are shocking. has the science world abuzz with his findings. This new revelation The idea that pollution has caused global warming is not believed will change hiking and adventuring forever. The government could by everyone. Many people have been deceived into thinking this by never let going outdoors at night stop because new discoveries about the government. They don’t want the real causes of pollution to get space would come to a halt. out because it would mean the collapse of society. Global warming is a serious problem and needs to be stopped. An expert at the University of California-Berkeley discovered one That can finally happen because of these new discoveries on why it real cause of global warming while looking at an everyday object in is happening. Flashlights, light bulbs, and iPhones are just the tip his house. “The lightbulb gives off too much energy for the Earth to of the iceberg, but they will need to change. handle, so when everyone uses it everyday it causes the world to heat The government cover up is now being look into by the top Natir up,” he explained. It is hard to imagine that such a useful invention reporters and more news will come on it. The average citizen can could be the root of a disaterious occurrence. The government does also work to help make the world a better place just like the people not want this information out because it would cause a crazy panic in this article have done. in the world and totally change the everyday life of people. Another cause was uncovered in the house of eighty-year-old Norm Gunderson when his grandkids came to visit him. “They were all on their iPhones,” he said. “If you ask me, that is the real cause of global warming.” This was not taken seriously at first because many believed it was the ramblings of an angry old man. Later a high school dropout created an experiment to test the old man’s hypothesis. According to his lab notebook he was “110% certain that iPhones were the cause of global warming.” He came to this conclusion by putting his iPhone out in the sun and then 7 picking it up to feel if it was hot. “It was like touching an oven top,” said the former St. Rita Mustang. “This means that iPhones absorb the heat and contribute to the warming of Earth.” This is a prime example of how ordinary citizens can uncover truths hidden by the government. 6 One last major cause of global warming was found at another South Side high school that asked not to be named. A student found the cause while searching in a storage room when he put his hand 5 over a flashlight. “It felt like it burned my hand and that’s when it hit me,” the student said. The student wrote an entire one page pa- per titled, “Flashlights: The Real Cause of Global Warming,” which

STRITAHS.COM • A3• SPORTS

JAKECleveland MARSZEWSKI Browns ’22 To Hire Jay Standring as New Head Coach The disappointing Cleveland Browns fired their head coach Hue Jackson and offensive coordinator Todd Haley October 29th. The Browns were 3-36-1 under Jackson, and have not shown any improvement. He even oversaw the Browns fan’s 0-16 parade last year. They finally snapped their 624 day losing streak with a tie against the Steelers on September 9th, and got their first win since week 16 of 2016 on September 21st against the Jets. Sources indicate that the Browns have made a shocking decision as their season winds down, planning to hire St. Rita freshman football coach Jay Standring as their new head coach. The decision will hopefully make the Browns team better and hopefully end the so-called “internal dis- cord” they suffered under Hue Jackson. “He’s a great guy,” Browns General Manager John Dorsey said about the decision. “He cares for his players and is a smart coach. He’s very experienced. If he can handle a bunch of freshman he can handle an NFL team. We hope that he will bring positive change to the team.” But giving the keys to an NFL squad to an assistant freshman-level coach? Some Browns fans disapproved of this decision. “Coach Jay is a great coach,” freshman Ryne Jacobsen said, “but I don’t think he’s ready for the NFL. But hey, they’re the Browns, it can’t get any worse than it already is.” Others seemed glass-half-full. Years of Browns loyalty might create a willingness to accept the unconventional. “I’ve been a fan my whole life,” said a fan with a beer-stained Tim Couch jersey and a paper bag on his head. “The guy has football knowledge, something that a Brown’s coach hasn’t had in years.” Does this fan know where St. Rita is, or anything about it? “No clue. Never heard of the school. All I know is that our Browns aren’t gonna lose going forward.” Students were eager to talk to Coach Jay after the news was announced. For once, students that were in the gym during activities period were not playing basketball. There was a line out the door to see Coach Jay and get autographs. The line got so long that Fr. Paul had no choice but to cancel F period so all the students could get an autograph. This was much to the shagrin of Mr. Baffoe, who had to postpone a novel project with his favorite class that includes the author of this piece. Standring was a defensive back at Leo High School and at Notre Dame, and was a part of the team that reached the 1970 Cotton Bowl. Some have argued that this is not enough experience because he has no NFL experience, but he is a great coach. Also, the Browns are, as always, desperate, and made a good decision. The team is still searching for an offensive coordinator, however. The top candidates are a ten year old child who has an 104-3 record on Madden Ultimate Team, disgraced Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel, and Josh Gordon’s rehab therapist. Hopefully Coach Jay can bring the Browns wins, good coaching, and his famous cookies.

Jon Gruden Reportedly Requests Buyout From Raiders SAUL GARCIA ’21 Jon Gruden has requested that the Oakland Raiders terminate his contract at the conclusion of the 2018-19 NFL Season, NFL Net- work’s Ian Rapoport reports. Gruden signed a 10-year, $100 million dollar deal with the franchise back in June and has come under fire for his handling of the franchise, notably trading away franchise cornerstones Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper for a hoard of draft picks. It is unclear if the Raiders will honour his request. Speaking to the press about his decision to request a termination, Gruden stated that the job just wasn’t as fun as it appeared to him anymore. “I like trading,” Gruden began his press conference. “When I arrived in Oakland, I was starstruck at the assets that they had and I was appalled that they did nothing with them. Trading is the key to success in the NFL, and it has been proven that if you stock up on draft picks, winning seasons will await you in the future. I have done my part helping the Raiders get set for a bright future, and now I wish to help other teams around the league.” Gruden was also asked why he loves trading so much and where his fondness for the business side of the game originated. “Madden NFL 19,” he said to a then-silenced group of baffled reporters. “That marvelous game is like a life simulator for me. You can play franchise mode and control a team and all of its players! It’s truly fantastic! Once I spent a whole day trading the league’s best players to Oakland, and then I traded them all away to different teams for a vault of draft picks. I owned every first round pick in that game. Another time I spent five hours trading Khalil Mack to every team to see which deal was the best, and it was the Bears. So when I got the job that was the first thing on my mind; how to make that a reality. This game is the key to success in the NFL. If you ever have any trouble formulating a trade proposal, play some Madden. That's what I did.” It is tough to pinpoint where Gruden will land in the foreseeable should he hit the open market, as many teams have or will soon have head-coach openings, but no teams have expressed the slightest bit of interest in him. The Cleveland Browns have an upcoming vacancy, but are reportedly set to hire St. Rita freshman-level assistant coach Jay Standing to be their head coach, and they just drafted their quarterback and defensive end of the future in consecutive drafts and would hate to see their glimmer of hope fade away with Gruden at the helm. The New York Giants and New York Jets are having dismal seasons, and adding Gruden to the helm would mean an early goodbye to Sam Darnold, Sa- quon Barkley and Odell Beckham Jr. should Todd Bowles or Pat Shurmur get fired (although the Giants have reportedly inquired about hiring Gruden for a day to trade Eli Manning). The Atlanta Falcons are enduring a disaster of a season that featured a blowout loss to rival New Orle- ans Saints, and adding Gruden would be like him winning the lottery in the form of pawning off Julio Jones, Matt Ryan, Vic Beasley, Devonta Freeman, Keanu Neal and budding star Calvin Ridley. Although teams are tending to stay away from Gruden’s philosophy of success in the NFL, two teams in particular have begun to con- template if adding a risk-taker like Gruden is just what their franchise is missing. Those teams are the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Dirk Koetter is on the hot seat for the Bucs this season, and management has expressed a great desire to get rid of Jameis Win- ston and Ryan Fitzpatrick. “We are really tired of the way these guys have been playing,” Bucs general manager Jason Licht said earlier Tuesday morning. “We don’t care about stats, good or bad, or even if a quarterback works magic or something like that. We just want to win games.” If Gruden were to return to Tampa, it would be unknown as to what reception he would receive as he coached there in his early career. The Packers just sent Mike McCarthy packing (get it), and they could be in need of a major roster shakeup centered around bringing in young and hungry players to build around the aging Aaron Rodgers. Although the Packers have not released a statement regarding Gruden or their va- cant coaching position, the Bears have expressed their willingness to help Gruden find work in Green Bay. “Just say the word Brian Gutekunst, and we will do whatever it takes to make sure Mr. Gruden helps out your franchise and the entire NFC North”, Bears Coach Matt Nagy said in an open letter to the Wisconsin-based team. “We will willingly sacrifice players and cap space to make this happen, just not Khalil Mack.” If Gruden indeed does hit the open market, it is unsure if he will find work again in the NFL after his second stint in Oakland. One thing is for sure--if Gruden is coaching an NFL team again or if he stays with the Raiders, no one’s roster spot is safe.

STRITAHS.COM •