FIGURE 1: CANDY HIERARCHY CIRCA 2017 THE CANDY HIERARCHY (2012) [1] DESPAIR (DC ) NET FEELIES (N F = |JC - DC |) JOY (J C ) -1600 -1200 TOP-800 TIER -400 0 400 800 1200 1600 -1500 0 #VOTES 1500 Any full-sized candy bar [2] Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups [3] (caramel, chewy, elegant) Kit Kat Cash, or other forms of legal tender [1] --- Caramellos[2] Twix [3] [4] Snickers [5] [6] Superius Tolberone something or other --- Goo Goo Clusters Lindt Truffle Pecunia QUASI-SILURIAN Peanut M&M’s TOP Nestle Crunch Milky Way Layer Dove Bars Regular M&Ms Butterfinger [4] Rolos [5] Reese's Pieces Hershey's Dark Chocolate --- Mint Juleps Mars [6] Three Musketeers York Peppermint Patties POST-TERTIARY Heath Bar Caramellos [7] 100 Grand Bar Great Data was pulled at Junior Mints 12:00pm PST on Chardonnay October 25th, 2017 Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Mandibular (not surprisingly, it’s predominantly chocolate-based)Mr. Goodbar Milk Duds [7] [8] Layer Total number of voters: Hershey's Kisses --- Three Musketeers 2460 Starburst [9] 13% going trick or treating Whatchamacallit Bars ~0.1% under 15 and going. Skittles SECOND TIER Mint Juleps Cadbury Creme Eggs [8] Total number of JOY,MEH, Sweet Tarts DESPAIR data points: Nerds ~700,000 Jolly Ranchers (good flavor) [9] (oh look, mostly chocolate, just not asGummy good) Bears straight up [10] [11] Swedish Fish Mounds --- Tootsie Rolls --- Whoppers --- Fair Trade Chocolate Smarties (American) [10] Swedish Fish[12] [5] ---LemonHeads Ferrero Rocher[13] Sourpatch Kids (i.e. abominations of nature) Take 5 THIRD TIER Mint Kisses POST-TERTIARY Glow sticks Smarties (Commonwealth) Minibags of chips Licorice (not black) [11] Pixy Stix THE PETERSEN INFLEX (where J C = DC or NF = 0) (the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or UpperMike and Devonian) Ike [14]Vicodin [12] Candy GooCorn? Goo Clusters [15]Coffee --- Crisp 100 Grand Bar --- Heath Bar Kinder Happy Hippo [13] Post Mastication Candy [16] Bottle Caps LaffyTaffy Lollipops [14] Epoch BOTTOM TIER Now'n'Laters Reggie Jackson Bar Dots IRONIC FRUCTOSE SEDIMENT Candy Corn [15] THE MARCELLUS WALLACE CUSP Fuzzy Peaches (the Lower Chewy or Middle Crunchy Tart Layer)Hard Candy Good N' Plenty Pre Chick-o-Sticks (we don’t know what that is) [17] Bonkers (the board game) Licorice (yes black) [11] Mastication Bonkers (the candy) [18] [18] Maynards Epoch American Smarties --- Chalk --- Necco Wafers Hugs (actual physical hugs) Tic Tacs Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction Chiclets [16] Trail Mix Zone of Sweetums (a friend to diabetes) [19] TIER SO LOW IT DOES NOT REGISTER ON OURHealthy FruitEQUIPMENT Plumbum Black Jacks Senior Mints LOWER TIER LOWER Peeps Banality JoyJoy (Mit Iodine!) Pencils Benjamin R. Cohen and David Ng [20] [21] Anonymous brown globs [21]that come in black and orange wrappers [17] Vials of pure high fructose corn syrup, for main-lining into your [22]vein Sandwich-sized bags filled with BooBerry Crunch TIER SO LOW Jolly Rancher (bad flavor) [9] Spotted Dick [18] “Omnes IT DOES NOT Generic Brand Acetaminophen Box'o'Raisins Those odd marshmallow circus peanut things Desperatio” REGISTER ON DescriptionCreepy Religious of footnotes comics/Chick can Tracts be [19found] at boingboing.net Whole Wheat anything OUR Candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants Kale smoothie [20] Dental paraphenalia EQUIPMENT Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9 Blue-Ray [21] White Bread Gum from baseball cards [22] Broken glow stick
By Benjamin R. Cohen and David Ng, presented by boingboing.net