volume 13 - issue 8 - tuesday, april 9, 2013 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

Th is week, our staff combed through old water tower issues and copies of Cosmo- politan, the pinaccle of awful sex-advice. We found some dirty, funny, and weird excerpts from articles and turned ‘em into haikus. Here are the shining examples of past prose, presented for your enjoyment.

No, I didn’t want to fuck you, I wanted to smoke my cigarette (WT, 2012-10-01)

A rollercoaster ride of bored, disgusted, bored bored, AHHH OH MY GOD (WT, 2011-12-06)

Go to the kitchen. a spatula waits for you. do me, iron chef! (Cosmopolitan) by lizcantrell Th ere are moments when one can al- that reinstated the defi nition of marriage their state. Slide inside her, wet. most feel history being made. Two weeks as being between two members of the op- Th eWindsor case is more of a human- a popsicle does the trick. ago, the Supreme Court heard two separate posite sex. Eventually, in 2009, the Califor- interest story, as it is being brought on be- cold can feel so new. challenges to legislation regarding same- nia Supreme Court upheld Prop 8, but this half of one particular couple. Edith Wind- (Cosmopolitan) sex marriage. If fi ve justices can fi nd con- fi nding was overruled on appeal. Prop 8’s sor and Th ea Spyer, residents of New York stitutional support for same-sex couples, proponents then appealed to the Supreme who had been together for forty years, then we might witness the most signifi cant Court, and now the California law stands married in Toronto, Ontario in 2007. Spyer A road sign in Wales: moment for equality in this country since before the Court as a “trial” for other same- died in 2009, at which time New York le- “an urge to draw a nice dick, Brown v. Board of Education in 1954. sex marriage legislation at the state level. gally recognized same-sex marriages per- the reason we’re here.” Th e fi rst case, Hollingsworth v. Perry, On Wednesday March 27, the Court formed in other jurisdictions. Aft er Spyer’s (WT, 2010-03-23) was heard on Tuesday March 26. Th e ques- heard the second case, United States v. death, Windsor was required to pay more tion presented in this case was, “whether Windsor, which challenged the constitu- than $363,000 in federal estate taxes on her Th is position will the Equal Protection Clause of the Four- tionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, a inheritance of her wife’s estate. Had federal make any guy’s member feel teenth Amendment prohibits the State of piece of federal legislation passed under the law recognized their marriage in the same just like Moby Dick California from defi ning marriage as the Clinton administration in 1996. Section 3 way as opposite-sex marriages, Windsor (Cosmopolitan online) union of a man and a woman”. California’s of DOMA defi nes marriage as “only a le- would not have been required to pay those history with same-sex marriage over the gal union between one man and one wom- taxes. past fi ve years is quite complex. In May an as husband and wife”, and also defi nes Windsor’s case went right to the dis- 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled a spouse as “a person of the opposite sex trict court level, where the relevant section Try juicing: where you that a state statute limiting marriage to op- who is a husband or a wife”. Th e essential of DOMA was deemed unconstitutional. mimic juicing an orange on your partner’s penis posite-sex applicants violated the Califor- question in the Windsor case is whether At the next phase, the Second Circuit Court g nia Constitution. Same-sex couples were this section of DOMA violates the Fift h of Appeals upheld the district court’s fi nd- (Cosmopolitan online) thereaft er allowed to marry. However, in Amendment’s guarantee of equal protec- ing, and the federal government appealed November 2008, California voters adopted tion of the laws for people of the same sex to the Supreme Court. It is important to Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment who are legally married under the laws of note that, in February 2011, the Obama ... read the rest on page 3

big daddy fogel life of psy couture fashion: the wolf triple take by kerrymartin by phoebefooks worst by wts t a ff by staceybrandt news ticker: ten Afghan children, two women killed in NATO air strike. So that’s, you know, awful +++ John Kerry threatens Iran, off to a good start +++ China to start cruises to disputed territories g

DOMA-continued from page 1

ministration announced it would no lon- of appeals went one degree higher and riage in states that allow gay marriage, “the should be, reapply at a later time, and have Dear water tower, ger defend DOMA’s constitutionality, but claimed that sexual orientation met the full marriage, and then this sort of skim a very happy and straight day.” I am not a regular reader of your “alternative newsmag,” but I do enjoy picking it up from time to would still enforce the law unless and until “intermediate scrutiny” level. This is a posi- milk marriage,” while Justice Sotomayor Opposite-sex couples are never re- time to capture what I assume is the pulse of the University. I particularly like your layout, honesty, Congress repealed it or the Court declared tive step for same-sex marriage advocates, similarly asked, “what gives the federal quired to prove their love or to explain why and illustrations. What concerns me to no end is the essence of an average UVM student as defined it unconstitutional. because it means the government faces a government the right to be concerned at all they chose their partner. They are never by your newspaper. The students of UVM should be proud to represent themselves and the many great with jamiebeckett With the case history under our belts, tougher standard in enacting laws against at what the definition of marriage is?” On asked questions of the deeply probing and attributes of living in Burlington, VT. I was particularly struck by the article that compared life at UVM let’s get down to the legal matters. The is- those of homosexual orientation. the conservative side, Justice Roberts sug- insulting nature that same-sex couples are sue in both the Hollingsworth and Windsor To set aside the legal jargon and put gested that gays and lesbians should not be subject to. Same-sex couples are attacked with that at Harvard. the water tower makes me believe that UVM students are stuck in a passive National Safety Counsel – Last week, not a week after the Pegasus rut. That the greatest achievements are finding matching socks in the laundry, getting your puke into cases is Equal Protection. Equal Protection it in human terms, those who support considered a “suspect class” and pointed to on the basis of their character, abilities, in- tar sands pipeline spill in Arkansas, Exxon Mobil was presented law centers on different “levels of scru- the right of same-sex couples to marry in recent shifts in public opinion to suggest terests, physical traits, and lifestyle—on the the toilet, having the appropriate bra size, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, being a hipster but not with a safety award. Currently the Federal Aviation Administra- being a hipster, and getting as much sex as possible in 4-5 years. Who are those people? That doesn’t tiny.” Race, national origin, and religion California and who believe that the federal that the issue will work itself out. Justice essential qualities of being human. tion has issued a no-fly zone placed over the location of the spill are traditionally considered “suspect class- government should recognize the legality Kennedy emphasized that it was inappro- Our nation has perpetrated similar describe a human being! Students at UVM are a part of a greater system even if they constantly declare preventing media coverage. I am confident that after receiving the that they live in a “bubble.” Bubble or not, I see so much more to marvel at. To name a few: the view es” because, among other factors, people of same-sex marriage so that spouses can priate for the federal government to inter- attacks on race, religion, gender, and dis- Green Cross for Safety medal, Exxon will restore Arkansas to its who have historically been marginalized collect federal benefits are making an argu- fere with the states’ right to regulate mar- ability, and we have since recognized that of the waterfront, the L/L community, visitor access to greenhouses outside of Jeffords, that mysterious pristine state, just like BP cleaned up the gulf... cube of a building behind LaFayette, the financial benefits of eating at the Grundle, making personal because of those traits are generally at a ment about human dignity. They claim that riage, whatever “side” of same-sex marriage human judgment and prejudice results connections with professors, and whoever the dickens Katharine Longfellow is—that girl can draw! disadvantage in the political process. Any giving a legal relationship called “marriage” those regulations may be on. in error and injustice. It’s time we see the Laney Supermarket –A supermarket was evicted in Georgia, and government action, regulation, or law that to opposite-sex couples while only permit- Speaking personally, the decision same error and injustice in our treatment Yours thoughtfully, instead of donating the leftovers, thousands of pounds of food Hennie Himmelfarb discriminates against these groups is sub- ting “domestic partnerships” to same-sex could not be clearer. When a state defines of same-sex couples. When Edith Windsor were taken by police to a landfill. Hundreds of local residents were ject to “strict scrutiny.” In contrast, “qua- couples denies these relationships equal marriage as the union of a man and a wom- won in district court, she said, “It’s thrilling Hennie, waiting outside hoping to snag some free food, which instead shall si-suspect classes,” such as gender, receive value and respect. an, or when the federal government refuses to have a court finally recognize how unfair We ask our writers to write about topics that interest them, and that they think their fellow stu- feed seagulls. While the locals bellowed “mine” over and over “intermediate scrutiny.” The lowest level of The case decisions will be released in benefits to a legally married couple, it says it is for the government to have treated us dents would be interested in. On the whole this has worked out well for us. While your despondency again, the sheriff who arrived on the scene justifed this wasteful scrutiny is termed “rational basis,” and this June. The Court could strike down both this: “even though you have been in a ro- as though we were strangers.” We can only about UVM students’ rut as reflected by our paper is lamentable, the paper is both created by students decision by stating that there was a very high potential for a riot level simply requires that a government government actions, uphold them, or split mantic partnership of the same nature as hope the justices will come to the same and completely open to submissions. We print what people write. We have actually printed articles on to break out. action be rationally related to a legitimate the difference. Some clues came from the opposite-sex couples, we disapprove of and conclusion when they hand down their de- several of the topics you mentioned. I hope that you will become a more regular reader of the paper, government interest. In the Windsor case, justice’s comments during oral arguments. disagree with your choice of whom you’d cision in June. Until then, the nation waits. and perhaps you will see that. Student loans – Thirty seven million Americans share roughly a the district court struck down DOMA on Predicable liberal Justice Ginsburg, for ex- like to marry. Please change to suit our g Thank you for your comments, trillion dollars in student loans according to the Federal Reserve. rational basis grounds, but the circuit court ample, questioned the two kinds of mar- narrow-minded view of what love is and James Aglio, Co-Editor in Chief Personally, I am anticipating another year’s tuition hikes, and I am even more excited to rent a place in Burlington, which is known Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the g power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this for having an excess of affordable student housing. week’s issue to [email protected] the water tower. uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr ______Editors with dannissim Editors-in-Chief James Aglio Liz Cantrell “For a generation of Americans—especially Chicagoans—Roger was News Editor Kerry Martin the movies. When he didn’t like a film, he was honest; when he did, Around Town Editor he was effusive—capturing the unique power of the movies to take us by dannissim Cait O’Hara Reflections Editor somewhere magical.” Research in Motion (R.I.M.), now Blackberry device? Simply put: there is no Phoebe Fooks -President Barack Obama reacts to the death of much revered film critic, Roger Ebert. Ebert died last Thursday only days after the known simply as Blackberry, is famous reason. recurrence of his cancer, which had left him unable to speak since 2006, but did not hold him back from doing what he loved: writing for their QWERTY phone that changed When it comes down to it Blackberry Fashion Editor movie reviews. the mobile game. Blackberry products ex- isn’t offering anything unique, and I fore- Sarah Perda celled because of their top-rate keyboards, see its drift into irrelevance. They had a Fork It Over Editor Blackberry Messenger (BBM) service, and mess with trying out the tablet market Jamie Beckett “Today is both a sad day and an exciting “I’ve had a glorious and enterprise services. with their Playbook device. Blackberry’s Créatif Stuffé Editor Enter 2013, where the QWERTY phone financials have been in the red for the past Beth Ziehl one for HBO’s Game of Thrones. Sad be- joyful run. Coming to is a thing of the past, the BBM service has year and just started seeing some profit this Tunes Editor lost exclusivity, and enterprise services are past quarter. I can’t imagine why anyone Dylan McCarthy cause we’ve all gotten to know Peter on set work, I’ve just been living offered with every major cell phone on the would want to buy a device that not only market. Blackberry has struggled to ship has very little third party developer sup- Humor Editor and love him dearly as a friend. We’ll miss the dream every day.” their latest product, the Blackberry Z10, to port, but also is running an unproven op- Collin Cappelle -Ken Salazar, soon to be former interior secre- the market in a timely manner. Blackberry erating system. My past experiences with him sorely.” tary, reflects on his time serving in the Obama has floundered for the past year: releasing Blackberry devices have been less than Copy Editor -Game of Thrones creator David Weiss shares the news of Peter Dinklage’s re- administration. After brilliantly handling the BP Laura Greenwood placement on the show. This cruel April Fools’ joke enraged many fans, but all weak products featuring their old operating stellar, with phones freezing up constantly. Oil crisis, he is more than ready to lay back and system. BB10, Blackberry’s latest operating The Blackbery Z10 does not have that “it” Art Editors were relieved when Dinklage assured everyone that he wasn’t going anywhere. smoke some hash oil. Malcolm Valaitis system, is here, and many are wondering feature to separate itself from the pack. It Kitty Faraji if this is the answer to all of Blackberry’s boasts a Siri-esque voice control and has ______Staff problems. I was able to grab some hands- the Blackberry Hub where you can control Writers “The relentless show of force on a daily basis by not just North Korea, on time with Blackberry Z10 to try out integral features, but nothing got my nerd Marissa Bucci some of the new features. sense tingling. Wes Dunn but also the U.S. and South Korea as part of their annual military ex- Rebecca Laurion Right of the bat, the Z10 is solidly I am left pondering the fate of Black- Cole Burton ercises, has captured the attention of the world, and made the Korean built. Its tech specs are up to par with the berry. I do believe the Blackberry will con- Stacey Brandt Galaxy S3 and iPhone 5 with features such tinue to exist as a corporate device; my dad Dan Suder Michael Storace Peninsula a place associated not with ‘Gangnam Style’ but with nuclear as 4G LTE an NFC, or Near Field Com- never has a moment where his Blackberry Patrick Murphy munication, used in several ways such as is not in hand. I foresee them downsizing Dan Nissim weapons and stealth bombers.” mobile payment and information sharing. or even getting bought out. There have -John Delury, an American scholar who teaches at Yonsei University in Seoul, made this remark about the escalating tension in the The Z10 has been released to AT&T in always been little rumors swirling around Art Korea Peninsula. North Korea hasn’t been this hostile since Kim Jong-Il ran out of Hennessy. America with other carriers coming soon. about who is thinking of acquiring the Ben Berrick Barry Guglielmo The BB10 operating system ran smoothly company. There are also some rumors of Katharine Longfellow the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. with switching between applications and Blackberry licensing its BB10 operating Julianna Roen menus without any glitching or lag. I was system to other producers. I hate to say that Kevin Kennedy contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a impressed by the Z10’s virtual keyboard the Blackberry we knew three years ago has Mariel Brown-Fallon Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity and Lauryn Schrom humor, we strive to make you and was also very impressed by the instant- been railroaded by the iOS/Android pow- Liz Stafford [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome shot capability of the camera. erhouse and has never been able to recover. Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings reexamine, investigate, question, learn, and maybe pee your pants The Z10 has many strong features, but In our smartphone age, the Black- Layout [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm “Look, this is embarrassing, but I’m a grower, I swear.” Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room along the way. We are the reason why should anyone buy one? I mean, in a berry is no more than simple pawn Craig Pastel g ______Special Thanks To [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor people can’t wait for Tuesday. market where the iPhone is the app king, in the cell phone market. UVM Art Department Digital Lab Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email We are the water tower. and the Samsung Galaxy line rules the An- Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr droid market; why should anyone want a by caito’hara by kerrymartin

As college students, we generally think of Asian food as one broad category the first thing I tried, and frankly, it could have been the last thing and I would have of “shitty Chinese take-out.” This shouldn’t be taken as a negative, as shitty Chinese gone home happy. Next time I go, I really want to try their Sliced Barbecue Hanging is a genre of food in and of itself, and there are definitely varying degrees of success. Pork, if only because you can’t go wrong with a name like that. But when was the last time, especially in Burlington, that you had Asian food and left Seafood lovers rejoice! A Single Pebble delivers. It took some time to make Weeks before I first arrived at the University of Ver- all faculty salaries by five percent every year. The number tation as a cutting-edge research institution (as well as a not only extremely satisfied, but with your bowels still intact? Never? Let me tell you, a decision. Although they only offer a handful of seafood dishes, all of them sounded mont, during the summer of 2011, I read it on national of applicants jumped from under 10,000 to over 20,000. larger endowment). But it undeniably marks a change in you’re missing out. amazing. The Lemon Sesame Shrimp was so tempting, but the waitress convinced me news: Daniel Mark Fogel, UVM president since 2002, ALANA students doubled, from five to ten percent. The Dan Fogel, who has been a life-long lover of the arts. “Lit- Down on Bank St. you’ll fnd A Single Pebble. It’s tucked into a seemingly small to try one of their most popular dishes, the Crispy Scallops. Oh. My. God. If there is a had resigned after a series of romantic letters and emails average student SAT scores increased substantially. He erature allows us to address the most important questions building and is so nondescript that you have to be heaven, this dish is served there. Exactly as it implies, this between his wife and his vice president hit the press. The founded the Honors College, bought Trinity Campus, and in life, questions that can’t be addressed by science,” he told looking for it or you’ll pass right by. I had heard dish has lightly fried scallops in the most heavenly sauce, publicity surrounding this pseudo-scandal was a heinous built some of the greenest buildings on any college campus me. But he allowed his presidential post to make him re- good things about it, but was still somewhat hesi- “The smells wafting out of the kitchen served with lightly sautéed vegetables. It was easily my invasion of privacy for Fogel, who was forced to admit that in the country: University Heights, Jeffords, Aiken, and the think or downplay the importance of the arts, either for the tant as I walked in. Within moments, I knew I was were enticing and intoxicating, peo- favorite dish of the night and perhaps the last year. his wife had suffered from psychiatric problems her whole Davis Center. university’s reputation or his own. about to have a fantastic meal. The smells wafting Turf lovers, fear not! They’ve got you covered too. life. But other things got bigger too. Since 2002, the to- Now, after nearly three decades of administrative out of the kitchen were enticing and intoxicat- ple were laughing, and it felt as though Beef, pork, and poultry for all of you carnivores (try the But Fogel deflected much of the sympathy he was tal annual cost for Vermonters has risen from $14,761 to work, Fogel is back in the classroom, teaching courses ing, people were laughing, and it felt as though some of the stresses we all carry were Tangerine Peel Chicken, trust me)—and tofu, seitan, and due by accepting a $400,000 severance package, which $25,348; for out-of-staters, it’s gone from $26,821 to a cool on Henry James and Romantic poetry. I sat in on his two some of the stresses we all carry were lifted off my vegetable options for the vegetarian inclined. Although I Vermont governor Peter Shumlin classes, and I can say this much. shoulders. lifted off my shoulders. “ personally am not a huge fan of tofu, vegetarian friends described as “exorbitant.” And so I First, I don’t know what kind of My favorite thing about this place is that have said that this is one of the best places in the area to arrived at a school under the leader- teacher he was like before he rose in the food is brought to you as soon as it’s ready, no get it. They’re also really good about substituting tofu or ship of interim president John Bram- ranks, but he doesn’t seem to have shed matter the order. By the time food gets to your seitan in place of meats in their dishes, and will work to ley, knowing little about his prede- his presidential tone for his pupils. I asked table, it’s approximately just cool enough to almost not melt the roof of your mouth. accommodate your specific dining needs. With this variety, it’s hard to imagine some- cessor outside the countless “Fogel’s him whether he had brought any presi- But with a focus on family style dining, it’s nice that it stays hot as things get shared. one not leaving satisfied. Soups and awesome specials round out the savory side of package” jokes. dential perspective back to his professor- Down to what we all really care about: the food. Lemme tell you, this may things, and the dessert menu isn’t bad either. Think coconut crème brulee and ama- But who was this man? I loved ship, and he laughed, “Probably, my poor have been one of the best meals I’ve had in recent memory. We’ll start at the beginning. retto cheesecake kind of good. No matter what you choose to try, you will leave happy UVM right off the bat, but this was kids. I sometimes berate them about their There aren’t really “appetizers” per say, but you can order small dishes and dumplings and wanting to come back. a post-Fogel UVM. Did he deserve writing, and they’ve heard some of my that can be consumed as such, and you’re given enough of each thing to feed a small Now I’ll admit, going out with just two people and getting all that food isn’t more credit than we gave him? Here, presidential anecdotes.” But it goes past child for 2 days. I tried the Mock Eel, also known as braised shitake mushrooms in a exactly cheap, so this is really a place where you go to share with friends and loved I will try to answer these questions, that: as a teacher, he is still comfortable ginger sauce. What the description fails to mention is that they are flash fried before ones. Splitting a bill with a group is going to be nicer to your wallet and your evening, for you and for myself. Dan Fogel is being the biggest, smartest, most impor- coming out, giving them a crispy exterior and a melt in your mouth interior. This was so grab some friends and give A Single Pebble a try. g many things, I’ve discovered: poet, tant voice in the room. He makes many professor, scholar, editor, publisher, extremely astute and informed observa- administrator, father, and husband. tions about the texts, but he is utterly im- But what kind of human being is he? potent at sparking discussions. Perhaps On January 31st, 2003, six the blame for that lies on his students, months into his presidency, Dan many of whom seemed disengaged; but Fogel wrote a letter to his Board of perhaps it is Fogel’s own choosiness that by dansuder Trustees outlining his ten-year vision scares his students behind their laptop for the university. After describing in screens. UVM Confessions is a Facebook page where anyone can anony- detail what he thought UVM could And secondly, though back in the mously submit their “confessions.” It can be funny, intriguing, look like by 2013, he insisted that his classroom, Fogel has not come full circle. and thought-provoking, but usually… it lies. Here’s proof. plan’s “plausibility rests on our rec- Professor or not, he’s not the man he once ognizing the strategic moment, the was. He used to be a guitar-playing hippy tipping point at which we now stand, poet with a big red beard; now he’s a well- Everyone is attractive but you. If you’ve ever had sex with a varsity athlete, you and acting boldly to do what must kempt, well-dressed scholar who exudes should probably get tested. be done if we are not to fall back professionalism. He used to be a war but move upward.” The Board was protester and a regular at rallies in Wash- so impressed by the letter that they ington; as president, he had the police You’re attractive. Furthermore, there are persuaded Fogel to release it to the break up numerous student rallies, pro- probably nicer ways to have that pointed If you are considering having sex with anybody, not just varsity athletes, you entire university. tests, and campouts. And like any hippy out to you than having a stranger pub- should probably get tested. Then, you should have safe sex. Use a condom, Fogel had just left Louisiana poet, he probably cared little for money. licly announce that you are “10/10, would use a female condom, use a dental dam, be on the pill, use some lube, what- State University, where during his 26 But when I asked him whether his status bang.” Not everyone is attracted to the ever. You can find free condoms at several locations on campus. Safe sex is years he had climbed the ranks from professor to provost. $45,676. He greatly expanded the administration, dou- as the English department’s by far highest-paid professor same type of person, and you don’t have literally one of the first things you learn when you come to UVM, so take it “I never sought out administrative work,” he told me when bling the number of vice presidents to 26, and increased weighs on him, especially as the department faces a fiscal to look “that way” to be attractive. I don’t to heart. If you need a refresher, Health Services can help you out. I interviewed him in his large Old Mill office last week. their pay. And amidst all this, he watched enrollment in— crisis, he gave me a remorseless, “No, it doesn’t.” think I’m 10/10, but at least one person In 1983, Fogel was invited to fill an administrative posi- and funding for—the liberal arts plummet. Now I must make this clear: Dan Fogel is an eminent- thinks I am. Same goes for you. tion in the LSU English Department. It was all uphill from For this, he garnered critique from professors. Many ly kind, thoughtful, innovative, hardworking, and happy there, as he navigated his way from post to post as if fueled saw him as a top-down ruler, imagining a crisis that didn’t man. Few people can resist respecting his countless accom- by pent-up ambition: from Graduate Director, to Gradu- exist until he invented it, imposing his own ideas on the plishments. But success can be isolating, even lonely, and Some people at UVM seem like really bad people. ate Council Member, to Associate Dean, to Dean, to Vice school, and not accepting any advice from tenured staff it’s impossible to foresee this until you’re already on the top Provost, to Provost who knew UVM a lot better than he did. This view was es- and you’ve got no one to impress except for yourself. It was yet another crisis that brought him back up pecially strong among liberal arts professors, who felt like So thank you, Dan Fogel, for taking the time to talk north. “Back then, some people thought of the university Fogel had turned his back on his own discipline. to me. Thank you for everything you’ve done for UVM. If Bad people probably make up a good chunk of us. I’m probably a bad person. You’re probably a bad person. Maybe you disagree very strongly with someone, as three separate universities,” he told me. “In fact, peo- “I regret it very much,” Fogel told me when I asked this portrait has been inaccurate or presumptuous or un- but that doesn’t mean you should assume they have nothing positive to offer. If someone opposes gay marriage, they may still be a good person. If someone ple weren’t even sure whether the University of Vermont how he felt about slipping English enrollment. “I feel pas- fair, I apologize; I know your intentions have always been makes a joke about rape, well, they’re probably a bad person right now, but not everyone shares the identities and experiences that have made you under- would continue to exist.” That’s why they hired Fogel: a big sionately about the arts and humanities, as well as the positive and pure, and for that, you deserve a lot of respect. stand what is so wrong about that. So don’t treat them like scum: teach them, or ask for the help of someone who feels comfortable teaching them. With any man with a big name from a big school who would help softer social sciences.” But this passion was entirely absent And readers, there’s so much more to this story. Because luck, we’ll one day live in a world where groups don’t scream homophobic slurs at funerals, the water tower doesn’t run sexist content, and people feel make UVM bigger. from his ten-year vision, which stressed heavy investment even after all this, I don’t think I know the real Dan Fogel. comfortable being themselves all of the time, but for now it is our responsibility to teach, own up to our own mistakes, and try our best to lead by example. And he certainly did. Under Fogel, the undergraduate in business and environmental and biomedical sciences. But I sure hope Dan Fogel does. g student body grew from 7,000 to over 10,000. He expand- I’m not saying that this was an inherently bad choice ed the full-time faculty by eight percent, and increased for Fogel; this refocus has earned UVM a growing repu- There are two UVM students who are immensely turned on by the thought of potatoes. Let’s just say… there are at least three. Trust me. g by nickpatyk by marissabucci by phoebefooks A train is coming. You are on a bridge released on Facebook against her will, she tion. Cyber-bullies are also tougher to stop Today at lunch, a friend of mine in- when he’s supposed to, but he’ll stop at above the track. Below you, five people are attempted suicide at least twice. During than traditional tormentors, as they face troduced me to the iPhone app Lulu. Per- nothing to get what he wants.” tied to the railroad. Next to you is an ob- her time of difficulty, her classmates left little to no adult presence within the realm The year is 2013. The month is April, which sixth album. In less than two months haps I’m just really behind the times, but it My first qualm with this is that if scenely obese man. If you push him onto disturbing posts on her Facebook page, of cyberspace. Finally, the incessancy of may be enough to shock you already, but what’s the hit video was topping YouTube and was the first that I had ever heard of it, and the tables were turned, the public outcry the track, the train will be stopped. But saying things like, “I hope she dies this cyber-bullying is particularly harmful. In more is that we live in a day and age in which an iTunes charts alike. its purpose shocked me. Essentially, Lulu would be unbelievable. An app judging he will also surely be killed. Here’s your time and isn’t so stupid.” Unfortunately, the past, students usually had to face their uncommon sighting would not include an elderly The oddity with “Gangnam Style,” is Tinder on steroids, another app that women so harshly would be taken down choice: push one guy and save five people, on October 10th, 2012, their wishes were aggressors only in school. However, social relative, professor, or even an elementary-aged however, is that its popularity sources connects anonymously to your Facebook before you could say misogyny. And yet or let five die and avoid killing the man. realized. networking sites like Facebook and Twitter younger cousin or other cohort preforming any primarily from countries such as the and bogarts personal information for a this app has been out for two months and The choice that saves more human life is In the past, bullies could only reach make it possible for bullies to reach their extent of a rendition of the insanely popularized US, Australia, Canada, France, Ger- technological mating venture. I had never even heard of it. For all of the obvious: kill one instead of five. However, relatively small groups of students. Bul- victims at virtually any time and place. “Gangnam Style” song and dance. “Oh god,” you many, Italy, Spain, and the UK, not Lulu’s “genius” lies in its basic prem- shit us girls tend to give guys, it doesn’t to do so would not be easy or desirable. lying also had to take place in person. Bullying is not a new phenomenon. think, “Is that obnoxious song seriously still rel- so much in Asia. Japan’s opinion of ise: it’s an app “for girls, by girls,” mean- really seem fair to me that this kind of According to studies done on this However, through use of the Internet, But cyberspace gives aggressors a sense of evant? This is a newspaper for fuck’s sake.” Now the track has been described as “luke- ing no boys allowed. Instead, once you reverse-discrimination is so easily toler- topic, comparatively few people say they predators can reach massive online audi- anonymity, and allows them to torment before you give up on me and turn to page nine warm,” although the Chinese state connect to your Facebook, the app goes ated in our society. would kill the man if they had to do so ences and avoid direct human confronta- their victims in front of massive audiences. for some real trash, understand that I’m not here to media did label “Gangnam Style” as through and Being by physically pushing I don’t know if remind you that Psy’s “Gangnam Style” is the most a “divine melody.” Nonetheless the filters out your “lulu takes out the element of a feminist him. Many more say they Amanda Todd’s as- popular video on YouTube. I’m here to reveal the song received unprecedented attention male friends, doesn’t mean would save the five if they sailants could have man behind the periwinkle tuxedo coat and super from even the realm of international who you can making your own mistakes being okay could push a button that encouraged her kawaii round-frame sunglasses. Where did “Psy” politics; UN Secretary General Ban then rate in a with slamming killed the man by means suicide to her face. come from? And where is he now? Ki-Moon described “Gangnam Style” very invasive and the belief that people men. This app of a trap door leading to Perhaps they were To no surprise, Psy grew up in the Gangnam as a “force for world peace.” The irony manner. Your is surely going the tracks. Conclusively, cruel enough to do District of South Korea. His parents note their in the song’s positive reception in pri- rating criteria can change their ways.” to turn into a human beings have a so. But if they did, son’s early affinity for music, while Psy’s teachers marily western countries is that these is dependent place where much easier time inflict- at least they would recall his crude jokes and interruptions in class. same nations are typically the least- on how you disgruntled ing pain upon one another have had to look Psy spent a brief four years in Boston from 1996 to inclined of any world region to the identify your exes and one- if they can do so from a at a living, breath- 2000 attempting to study at both BU and Berkleee, emerging “K-Pop” genre. relation to the person: “friend,” “relative,” night stands go to bitch about how terrible distance—and distance is ing person. They in-law and fathers / Kill them all slowly and but returned quickly to South Korea, determined So how would you feel if you had created the painfully.” Psy made a formal apology ear- “hookup,” “ex,” and the always-ambiguous some guy is, and launch a smear campaign in no short supply within would have seen that a music career was the only life for him. His most popular YouTube video of all time? If CEOs, “together” are among the options. to keep any other girl from being interest- cyberspace. and felt the reality lier this year for these statements. first album, released one year later, PSY from the NGOs, and all types of celebrities alike were tweet- It’s stories like these that make me I decided to test it out on a high ed in him. Lulu takes out the element of Cyber-bullying, of her reaction. But Psycho World!, received negative attention from ing and retweeting that very video, and the fuck- school friend of mine. I selected friend as making your own mistakes and the belief defined as “willful and all they did was log wonder what type of random occurrences both the South Korean government in the form of ing American Council on Exercise ran a study will come back to haunt me should I ever our relation and the first question I was that people can change their ways. repeated harm inflicted in and click “post.” fines for inappropriate lyrics, and from the Korean that reported doing the “Gangnam Style” dance asked was about his looks. The potential The app plays on the judgment that is through the use of com- So before you one day make a world famous YouTube public for Psy’s peculiar dance moves, earning him for half an hour can burn 150-200 calories? (That’s video. (Hey, anything can happen.) Most descriptions ranged from “he’d be per- so ingrained in our society, and, by exten- puters, cell phones, and send a message or a Korean nickname that translates to “The Bizarre almost more than running.) Psy has been basking fect for a blind chick,” to “he’s my go-to sion, ourselves. But it’s hard to resist want- other electronic devices,” post something on likely it’ll be something I tweeted or the fact Singer.” His second album Sa 2 was simply banned. in his stardom, partying as one would suspect, but that there exists somewhere on the Inter- fantasy.” I settled on “there’s nothing ing to hype up your available guy friends is an extremely prevalent Facebook, imagine After serving two short years in the military he’s also had to do some spring cleaning with his wrong with average,” and was next asked to help them find a nice lady, and also problem among modern relaying the same net a picture of me taking jello shots on a (mandated by the South Korean government— questionable lyrical history. President Obama was unicycle in a certain UVM residential hall to rate his humor based on the prompt, slamming the guys who did you wrong. adolescents. A particu- message in person. Psy shortened his service by reporting employ- criticized for shaking hands with the artist, due to “If his jokes were money, he would be… Perhaps I’m overreacting, and it’s not that larly public and tragic case And if you couldn’t bathroom. I can barely imagine the way Psy ment at a software development company), two a very anti-American performance held in South must feel, a relatively unknown K-Pop art- (‘a baller’).” Then his idea of a perfect first big of a deal. Perhaps Lulu won’t become is that of Amanda Todd, push the fat man, albums, one additional year of service (upon the Korea in 2004 at which he sang “Kill those fucking date (“coffee”), where he’ll be in 10 years a Tinder-like phenomenon and will never a 15 year old from British don’t push the but- ist, turned international superstar practi- g military’s discovery that Psy was actually not em- Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives / cally overnight. g (“into the Penthouse beside Jay-Z”), and really gain a holding in the UVM com- Columbia, Canada. After ton. ployed by a software company), and one more al- Kill those fucking Yankees who ordered them to when he would commit (“to the woman munity, or elsewhere. But I’m wary of the a topless photo of her was bum later, “Gangnam Style” was released on Psy’s torture / Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters- who changes him”). I was then asked to direction in which media and relation- evaluate his good and bad qualities in ships seem to be heading. In my opinion, terms of provided hashtags. They included it’s anti-feminist to fight for women’s rights #NotADick, #SexualPanther, #DoesDish- and equality while simultaneously objec- es, #WillSeeRomComs, and then the more tifying men and reducing them to hashtag by rebeccalaurion negative #OwnsCrocs, #NapoleonCom- definitions and numbers. Treating men It’s a great time to be a comic book for example—and the Senior Vice Presi- his Underwater Welder was set off of Nova this series doesn’t tear your heart out and plex, #420, #HighlyMedicated, and the the way that some men treat women is no geek. The vast expansion of the medium dent and Executive Editor Karen Berger Scotia. Yeah, I wasn’t kidding), Lemire then proceed to stomp on said heart a bit, always reassuring #InACult. I was then way to improve our standing in the world. over the past several decades has meant has stepped down. Yeah, I know that name focuses a lot of his writing on the relation- throw it in a volcano and then patch it informed that based on my selections, my Dragging men down doesn’t raise us up, it tons of writers, artists, and more publish- probably means nothing to you right now, ships between fathers and sons. This is es- up with duct tape at the end, leaving said dear friend was a 7.8. “He’ll never call only degrades society even more. g ers than ever before. Gone are the days so prepare to get educated, peeps. Berger pecially true in my personal favorite work organ a bit worse for wear, you’re a robot. when superheroes or Sunday funnies were has been the VP for Vertigo for the past 20 of his, Sweet Tooth, which just finished its Just saying. a reader’s only options. Nearly every genre years, and she helped get graphic novel se- 40-issue run with Vertigo a few months I’m telling you, this guy should be is now represented in the industry: action, ries like Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, 100 Bul- ago; I’m now going to convince you to on your radar if you’re a graphic novel fantasy, romance, horror, comedy, histori- lets, Y the Last Man, V for Vendetta and read it immediately. Warning: fangirling person. If he already is? Congratulations, cal—you name it. And I’ll admit, with the Fables, including its numerous spinoffs, off ahead. you’re awesome. We’re talking complex plethora of choices, heading into Earth the ground. Vertigo’s been changing the Sweet Tooth manages to fit more plots, some truly awesome art and some Prime, Newbury, Jetpack or any other game of comics for years. So yeah, it’s kind genres into it than should be humanly series that beg to be discussed long after comic shop can be pretty daunting, espe- of natural to wonder what exactly is going possible. Seriously—mythology, religion, the reading is done. Personally I think cially if you’re new to the medium. Do a to happen to this company now. Nonethe- adventure, suspense, horror, science that Lemire is one of DC’s best assets, and bit of research, however, and one publisher less, Vertigo still has some great writers fiction and a dash of romance all revolv- hopefully one that Berger’s replacement, will keep coming up: Vertigo Comics, a and artists on its hands, such as Mike ing around a goddamn apocalypse. And Shelly Bond (oh, don’t pretend you didn’t division of DC Comics. Vertigo’s titles are Carey, Peter Gross, and Jeff Lemire. who doesn’t love a good end of the world just read her name in the ‘Bond, James generally geared towards adults with their Relatively new to Vertigo (his first story? To summarize: a plague kills off the Bond,’ voice) will continue to utilize, even plotlines, and often violent and sexual work for them was in 2009) Lemire is one majority of the human race, and the only after his new series for Vertigo, Trillium content. If you don’t believe me, they’re of those rare modern writers that seems ones immune are animal/human hybrid (due to begin its run sometime in 2013), launching a graphic novel version of Girl to care more about telling a story, instead children, the only children born after has finished. Given Bond’s history with the With the Dragon Tattoo on May 1. If that’s of just raking in the cash by milking his the plague broke out. The story revolves company, which includes overseeing most not adult content, I don’t know what is. characters for everything they’re worth—a around a boy with antlers, Gus, and the of Willingham’s Fables for the past ten Vertigo is in a weird place right talent which will certainly aid him as he hard-weathered, tough-ass Jeppard, as years, the future of Vertigo seems to be in now. Many of their popular current takes over writing for Justice League Dark, they try to figure out how the plague good hands, as long as the focus remains series are coming to an end in the starting with Issue 9. Hailing from Canada began, and how to keep themselves alive on telling awesome and unique stories near future or are on hiatus—The (he wrote an entire series about hockey, from all the enemies wanting to kidnap through truly talented individuals. g Unwritten, and American Vampire, believe it or not, called Essex County, and Gus and experiment on him. Seriously, if overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. Jesus Christ number twenty-one What I’d do to get on your love gun uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html I can’t even pretend like I don’t know your name DC Fishbowl Because I basically stalk you with no shame Girl 1: Nematode? Is that a Pokemon? You’re not the best, sometimes you’re bad Girl 2: No honey... But all those tattoos on your arm drive me mad So get off your high horse In class And come kiss me with force Professor speaking about a student: “She has the person- ality of a golden retriever but is approximately 50 times someone on campus catch your eye? Because it makes me sad When I want you so bad smarter. It took me a while to realize the smart part couldn’t get a name? because she’s so happy all the time.” submit your love anonymously When: every men’s basketball game by staceybrandt ~watertwr/iwysb.html Where: mostly the gym...but sometimes elsewhere uvm.edu/ I saw: my future fuckbuddy Wednesday morning, Davis center bathroom I am: in the pep band Biddy: I always got high when I worked as a camp coun- Th ere is a certain phenomenon in our fashion culture Lively—enough said, and 3) a post offi ce supervisor with You fuck all these douchebags cilor. It made the kids so much more manageable. that occurs when a trend is so terrible that it seems to a FTW attitude. Th ere’s good chance you are not even and I know you don’t want a man You’ll read this poem (other bidds *blank stares*) pass, paradoxically, as fashionable (this also occurs in close to any of these things, so please stop thinking sneels You’d call me a fag Biddy: Don’t worry! I was sober when I was life guard- music; google “Gangnam Style” or “Carly Rae Jepsen” for are some incredible solution to the whole “dressy casual If I told you that everyday I wanna hold your hand I know you will, but you won’t realize it’s from me. ing. Th at would have been way too risky. details). Th is cultural occurrence is beautifully illustrated attire” dilemma (e.g. “I want to be dressy, but not too And those guys you bang suck in TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress,” or what I like to call, dressy”). And don’t kid yourself; wearing sneels does not they only know you as an amazing fuck Cause the way you think about me, isn’t the same Millis hallway “First World Problems: Bitchy Bride Edition,” a show that help you pull of the whole sporty-sexy vibe. It’s just not Th ey don’t know you’re intelligent, funny, fun, Girl (to Dazed Girl leaning in doorway): Watch out features brides attempting to select their perfect wedding a good idea to mix casual and fancy attire because you’ll An artist and a poet and a redhead in the sun as the way I think about you. Th ere was something there, months ago there’s someone who wants to walk through. dress. Despite the multitude of dress styles the brides may ultimately end up with sneels or one of those redneck, I’ve known you for a while Dazed Girl: Oh sorry choose from, time and time again they insist on trying the cut-off t-shirts with a tuxedo painted on the front. And I still can’t make you smile and I swear that you felt it too. But neither of us took the chance Guy (laughing): Th anks rarely fl attering, hardly enchanting Mermaid Style dress. I’ll end my list of fashion catastrophes with a classic I don’t know why I can’t get you off my mind Dazed Girl: No problem I’m a door holder. Let me just say this: unless you are an actual mer- that we are all guilty of having worn (though hopefully I’m used to being a player I don’t like being kind and foolishly I thought we wouldn’t crumble apart Girl 1 (to Dazed Girl): Haha, a door holder. Ok Ima go maid, or are undergoing transitional surgery to become not recently): turtlenecks. Odds are if you are wearing You’ve captivated me but I’m afraid to let you see back and study be a good girl don’t do drugs! a mermaid, it is not anatomically correct for you to wear a turtleneck you have not yet discovered scarves. Who You’re a beautiful devil and it’s gonna break me. like we did. Problem is this style of dress. Sure, if you stand in place with one wants to be a fucking turtle anyways? Come out of your When: all the time. Volleyball Nationals Tournament! leg slightly in front of the other like a mermaid statue, shells people! I promise, you can still win the race without Where: everywhere. for me these feelings are all still here. And despite how hard I try to despise you Girl 1: Are you staying in Burly aft er you graduate? the dress looks good; but the last time I checked, people physically emulating a turtle. Of course, there are a couple I saw: A Queen Girl 2: No, I should probably become a real person. don’t live in souvenir snow globes in the Disney World of special exceptions to the rule. You have the right to I am: A friend with bens for so unwittingly toying with my heart, I miss you. gift shop. We have to walk. Th e only way to move in a wear a turtleneck if and only if you are a character on a Wednesday morning, cyber cafe mermaid dress is to awkwardly shuffl e your feet because 90’s sitcom (most likely Roseanne), you are hiding a very And still want you so bad. remember to check out the overfl ow When: only occasionally. “I wish I was good at science so I could make lots of your legs are completely bound together by tight fabric. I large, rash-like hickey, or you are a mom who just does money.” guess if you’ve ever wondered what chafi ng between your not give a shit what you look like because you are putting on the blog! Where: nowhere, anymore. I saw: a boy I desperately want to convince that he’s not as knees feels like, wearing a mermaid dress is the perfect three kids through college and your husband is a pig and thewatertower.tumblr.com way to try it out. All that agony so you can appear to have you will damn straight wear whatever the hell you want! fucked up as he thinks he is. a mermaid tail? I had no idea that quality was so desired It is one thing to wear a skirt and Uggs (please never I am: wanting to be called darling again. in today’s love market. do this); it’s a whole other story to show up to a wedding Sneaker heels, which I will refer to as “sneels,” are attempting to look like a mermaid when in actuality you another bizarre fashion trend that have somehow gained just look like a human dinner bell. For your own sake, Register Now popularity despite their inherent weirdness (side note: I hope you are not caught dead in any of these styles of “sneels” should not to be confused with “sneals,” or clothing—literally. You’ll probably die of embarrass- snobby seals, otherwise known as sea-lions). Th e only ment, or a freak accident involving sneaker heels and the Summer University Classes are filling! people who can wear sneels appropriately are as follows: misperception of one’s ability to run while wearing them. 1) a model doing a half-runway show half-5K fundraiser, g 2) Blake Lively because she just happens to be Blake kitty faraji smart is... immersing yourself in Latin Jazz by benberrick I am a man. And as a man, I am bound up in the ev- causing me at least once to charge a nearby bystander and me to vote Republican before engaging in a whirling mid eryday struggle to punch, kick, and super-double-suplex attempt to gore him. But this yogurt is diff erent: encased in air fi st fi ght. I felt each of the 20 grams of protein soak in- this summer my way through my sequentially more hostile day. By the large black and red containers, I got nothing but the power stantly into my muscles and my thighs quivered as I at- time the sun sets, I’m usually almost too tired to squeeze in tempted to suppress the erection now bursting at the seams several hours at the gym, pumping hot iron up and down of my cargo shorts. As I slipped from consciousness, now with my muscles. Considering this, I couldn’t help but be “pumping hot iron up and cradled in the claws of a wandering bear, which I was chok- shocked by the lack of high protein snack products mar- down with my muscles” ing while simultaneously accepting as my spirit animal, the keted to my sweat-soaked heavily oiled lifestyle: why can’t taste of strawberry hung on my lips like the cherry on top my food be as sharp and toned as I am? Why should I even of a sundae made of Crisco-soaked Greek wrestlers. partake of fruits or vegetables when their clear and disap- vibes you normally only get from Tapout shirts. Also, the In summary, I have to highly recommend this prod- pointing lack of ripe, vascular abdominals betrays an utter container’s sides are sculpted into sensual, bulging abs, just uct. Yogurt may have been limited to that OTHER gender lack of masculine authority? in case you had any doubt regarding the steaming man- before, but now that Powerful Yogurt is on the scene, we th Th at’s why I’m ecstatic that I found Yogurt for Men hood waiting inside to be shoveled into your gullet. men have a rich new source of the protein to give us the Classes begin May 20 by Powerful Yogurt. I know what you’re thinking: yogurt Moment of truth: when I tore open the top-using, of strength to bust out a dozen 6-plate squats in the morn- isn’t right for men—it’s a food for women and course, my fi sts—and tasted the hearty nectar within, I was ing and perpetuate the patriarchy in the evening. Like the small children. I used to agree; walking down immediately fl oored and experienced visions of both Hulk website says: if you are a dude who, “…takes care of himself Catch Up. Get Ahead. Online. On Campus. the aisle in the supermarket, the bright colors Hogan AND Randy Savage. Th e national anthem began to [and] who likes looking good but who also drinks beer and and prominent text of the yogurt shelf con- boom from every corner of the empty air; a small nest of eats chicken wings”, then you should order yourself a case fused and irritated my bull like-sensibilities, eagles soared in through my open window and reminded now. God bless America. g uvm.edu/summer by dylanmccarthy What exactly is Tyler, the Creator’s role in Odd Fu- ture? Th e immediate label by lizcantrell that comes to mind is “lead- she kept cantaloupes on the pool table, er.” But a leader isn’t a leader resting in the shade of the basement. just because, there’s got to be by bethziehl a defi nitive character. Domo when company came, I dreamed, Genesis is the token pothead, Jasper is the main comic re- a ripened lamb was chosen. lief, Frank Ocean is the resident smooth talker, and Earl Sweatshirt is easily the best straight up rapper. What’s Ty- of waking up with a clean knife beside you, ler’s real role then? Th e release of his third album Wolf ce- down the center rind, ments Tyler’s role as Odd Future’s premier producer. Wolf tucked in our is summed up in its intro song: Th ere’s some incredible sleeping bags she picked out the seeds, slick with R&B inspired production work from Tyler, alter ego to like newborn fl esh. doodles by benberrick alter ego switching, a bit too much “fuckin fuck youuuu”, red rock formations and verses that leave you wondering whether the good can surrounding us, in time, her mind: of feeling outweigh the bad. Is this an oversimplifi cation? Yes, to an the melon’s stringy pulp. extent, but as an ardent fan, Wolf is a strange, strange beast. small Wolf certainly shows signs of serious evolution for Ty- yet so ler as both a rapper and a producer, but as a whole it’s noth- important ing to rave about. All of the album’s incredible highs are next to you. checked by outright embarrassing lows. Th e second track “Jamba” ought to be buried wayyy down in the tracklist of watching because it carries an annoying beat and half-assed lyrics the light kittyfaraji rise slowly by lauragreenwood from both Tyler and Hodgy. It’s clear they were yearning for Bastard’s “French!”, but it doesn’t even come close. Lead along the single “Domo23” is another track outright not worth lis- cold stone, tening to. OF is always self-aware, and it’s clear that they’re warming its tones, Fuck. waiting for it I dare to say—in the third session with Dr. TC—Ty- trying to satirize standard club tracks with a beat that feels like it was made in fi ve seconds, and the robo-voiced “fuck to touch us, ler, the Creator/Sam/Wolf has found his soft side. To the to know that green ear, Wolf sounds nothing like your classic ballroom that, golf wang” hook. However, they’ve done this joke a by kittyfaraji few times over, and this isn’t the last mock club track on I am no longer love ballad; however, in comparison to Bastard and Goblin, dreaming. Tyler has fi nally created music that invokes more than just One doesn’t need to listen to more than a few tracks Wolf. “Domo23” feels more like “Rella” light than a lead anger and immature laughter. He hasn’t lost his abrasive to see that Tyler is shift ing in a new direction. But it would single. fl ow, but he’s actually more listenable. Th e smooth beats seem obvious that Wolf is the only logical direction he All’s not annoying on Wolf, there’s at least an EP’s that guide us throughout Wolf are allowed their well-de- could have taken his music. Some might even say that he worth of A+, 100%, 10/10 songs, judged on both lyrical served center stage spotlight, only to be artfully paired has gone soft , but I say he’s just fi nally writing about some- and production quality. “Answer” is mind blowing, mostly advertisement because this is the last thing one would expect from Tyler. alongside his emotional verses. For me, this subtle adjust- thing diff erent; I think it’s nice to see Tyler delve into his On-Campus Information Session ment in his work is monumental. Tyler has actually man- We’ve heard some seriously ironic soft lines on previous deeper problems, like his relationship with his father (or Thursday, April 18th, 5:30pm aged to openly give some shit about love, loneliness, and lack thereof), and mourning the loss of his grandmother. Tyler tracks. “One, two, you’re the girl that I want…” from relationships without just falling back on his usual call-out, Tyler’s aggressive and oft en violent demeanor is apparent “She,” and “I can grab the fi reworks, the soda, all the cook- crude, profane “fuck off ” to everyone. throughout the album, and his distinctive verbal dexterity ies we can eat…” from “Analog”. Th at’s not the case on “An- My theory about this album is that Tyler has been tak- shines in tracks like “Rusty” and “Pigs”. Th e album features swer”, here Tyler is, shit, he’s full on sincere. Song’s of this ing some more notes from Frank Ocean. With the giant most of the Odd Future main members, Pharrell, and even magnitude should erase blunders like “Jamba,” but straight hit that was channel ORANGE, I feel as though Tyler drew some lesser knowns like Erykah Badu. up fi ller garbage like “Tamale” makes you question why he inspiration from Ocean. He has refi ned his style around Th e obvious standout track of the album is “Domo 23” didn’t just release an EP. Wolf has well over an hour’s worth whimsical melodies that are beyond fucking chill, and yet with singalongability and a killer video, this track is ba- of material, but most of it just isn’t good. has maintained the same aggressive rap style. In “Slater”, sically two and a half minutes of smack talk. A great self Th e album’s best track is its centerpiece, the sprawling Earn a Master’s Online in Tyler dominates this track with his diiiiirty rhymes mix- shout-out and one of my favorite lines, “ Bitch, I ate one 7 and a half minute “PartyIsn’tOver/ Campfi re /Bimmer.” ing his philanthropy with his rap lifestyle (“I wild ‘n’ out roach and I made a lot of money” refers to his “Yonkers” Th is track does what the entire album should have done: at shows, break shit it should be fun, venues are like pussy video in which he eats a cockroach and gained super no- build upon the entrancing, spooky, and smooth produc- with kerrymartin MEDIATION AND with me, should he come?”). But what I want to highlight toriety. Th e beat is great and Tyler knows it: “it sounds like tion style of Tyler’s previous magnum opus “Analog II”. is how he collaborates with Frank Ocean towards the end midgets in a goddamn speaker”. Th e music video also in- “PartyIsn’tOver/ Campfi re /Bimmer” doesn’t try and repli- Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, because it’s time to bring APPLIED CONFLICT of the track. Th e beat, the rap, the attitude melds seamlessly cludes “Bimmer” at the end, a brief piece that is on another cate the deep and sincere “Answer”; instead, it consciously your rhyme-slingin’ back to the water tower. When you work hard and play into a romantic, nostalgic melody. Of course, Frank adds 3-part song on the album. lets the lyrics take the backburner to the hypnotizing R&B hard all week long, nothing puts your mind at ease better than lyric therapy. STUDIES his beautiful singing, but Tyler even joins in. Somehow the One of the most vulnerable tracks, “Answer” is a com- beat, baroque instrumentals, and absolutely gorgeous fe- Th is week, we soak up Spring Time. same man who just talked about not respecting women position of competing characters in which Tyler’s bipolar male vocals. Most OF songs that clock above 6 minutes practically guarantee a skip 3 minutes in (obviously ex- • PROJECT-BASED LEARNING. (“Show me you titties, hon”) is now wistfully describing tendencies come out. He battles feelings of hate toward his Apply graduate-level knowledge how his “bitches on my handlebars, hair blowing in the cluding “Oldie”), but “PartyIsntOver/ Campfi re /Bimmer” father and hope that he may connect with him. It’s very immediately into your workplace. wind, her freckles look like candy bars, my cruel summer stripped down for Tyler, as if you took Earl Sweatshirt’s is an amazing listen all the way through. Sadly, this track is never ends”. Tyler is capable of love beyond just Wolf Gang, “Chum” and put it to a Frank Ocean track. preceded by the album’s worst track “Colossus.” Th is track is the closest thing to a track off of Tyler’s fi rst and best Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote • MULTIDISCIPLINARY MASTERY. breaking shit, and goofi ng around! Allelujah! Th is theme “IFHY” is another great example of the bipolar themes Th e droghte of March hath perced to the roote continues throughout the album in tracks like “Awkward”, album, Bastard, utilizing the signature piano ballad format Focus on the four fundamental this album is littered with. Th e song features Pharrell, and And bathed every veyne in swich licour competencies of conflict resolution. “Answer”, “IFHY”, and “Lone”. the video features Tyler as a doll, but my absolute favorite of tracks like “Goblin” and “Bastard” from their respective self-titled albums. Th is sounds wonderful right? No no no Of which vertu engendred is the fl our. Ah, what a breath of fresh air Wolf is. Really, go back part is the beat change in the last minute or so of the track And students start to strip down to their skin and listen to Tyler’s previous albums. In Wolf, as a female, which I found out is actually a preview of the new Hodgy no no. I simply can’t describe this song in length, because • PRACTITIONER-FACULTY. it makes me question the direction of one of my favorite As soon as it’s no longer negative ten. Established leaders in the field with a I fi nally don’t feel like I’m betraying my own sex as I en- track called “Jamba”. But it’s still windy, I would probably say joy his raps about just fucking women hard. Th is album is My one big criticism of this album is that there are a rappers. “Colossus” is a ballad that shows Tyler bitching broad range of real-world experience. about fans, throwing insulting one-liners to those who Th at it’ll still be snowing late in May. moving forward towards better topics than just wreaking lot of throwaway tracks that don’t necessarily add anything I’ve got exams, how can you fuck around? hell on society. But, okay, say you really loved the anger to his story, or are even particularly great for that matter. haven’t been following him since the beginning, and—my • RESPECTED DEGREE. God—this is just embarrassing for someone who gets paid Beneath a fl ood of words I’ve nearly drowned. of “Radicals” or the chaos of collabs on “Bitch Suck Dick”; But he experiments on several tracks especially: “Trash- When it gets warm, I might procrastinate Champlain College has been providing have no fear, Tyler still delivers the usual Golf Wang, Odd wang”, which is a total departure from his usual sound, to make music! Tyler, man, you’re all about not giving a quality education since 1878. fuck, so why don’t you shut the fuck up about annoying But til then, I’ll just try to masturbate. Future fi re. Towards the end of the album, tracks like “Pigs” “Treehome” is a soulful, kind of jazzy piece (check out the by royale rimer Kerry Martin and “Trashwang” keep the horror of OFWGKTA alive. controversial Jimmy Fallon performance), and “Tamale” a fans? Lyrics like “I know it seems like just I’m slobbing on Personally, aft er two albums of off ensive violent raps, heavily percussive song. your knob/ But I’m just a fan and I ain’t losin my fucking noggin/ I ain’t got a job and I went out and bought Goblin I really prefer Wolf as the best way to deliver anger, out- Th e story all culminates in “Lone”, a really great end- On-campus information session 5:30 pm April 18th rage, emotions, and truth in good music. Th ere are times ing, where we see Tyler as a sort of “lone wolf”, and a pretty about 5 times/ Cause I love you, man!” are humiliating for for Waka Flocka noise, but Wolf reveals that there is a more perfect way to complete the album. All in all, this album someone our age trying to act like a badass. RSVP: 1-866-282-7259 artistic way out there to be a hard rapper. Th at’s the feel on Wolf, there are other great tracks like Next issue, we smoke out Cannabis Legalization Th e week aft er, we cut apart was a very nice surprise to me, since I can now blast this the United Nations. Send your raps to [email protected] with album without getting salty, salty looks from that feminist “IFHY” and “48”, but there’s just nothing all that unique about them, nothing that brought tracks like “VCR/ the subject “My fl ow is too grimy, Ganges River” or something to that eff ect. champlain.edu/msm EXPERIENCE LEARNING. neighbor who wonders why I listen to Tyler when I am a Once again, best rapper of the semester gets a $25 gift card to Boloco! g woman. It’s also a great album to play when you’re really, Wheels” and “Yonkers” to our attention. Fans should REALLY angry (see tracks “IFHY”, “Pigs”). stream fi rst before they buy, and the skeptics can have their win. g collincappelle

Tip o’ the Week

ben berrick Just because it’s spring doesn’t mean long- boarders get to rule the paths on campus again. So if you see one, knock them over.

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- Play Video Games - Lay around and do nothing - Eat at the Grundle - Stab myself in the leg so I can spend the day in the Hospital - Do all my homework for the next year - Get a haircut (and I really hate haircuts) -Headbutt a moose -Any others on a long list of ridiculous things that will get me maimed, killed or otherwise scarred for life