No Fun for Mrs. Woods, but Plenty for the Rest of Us
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Tuesday 8th December, 2009 15 ith the flooding, national bank- Tiger referred to his “transgressions” without having to spend 10 years in the only 33 years old. Under-19 Cricket ruptcy and clerical child abuse, it but actually it’s a bit difficult to get marriage first, as was allegedly agreed in He had Nicklaus’s record pinned on Wtook a philandering golfer to get worked up about sexual behaviour that the original document. But it is fantastic the wall of his bedroom when he was a us smiling. involves adults, all four of whom seem to fun for the rest of us. boy. Tiger was bred to be a golf machine. Nalanda struggle I can’t help feeling that Tiger Woods have been volunteers. It is the money – Tiger’s staggering His father Earl made him the perfect has done us all a favour. What with the Tiger’s sins, as some newspapers like wealth – that makes the whole thing inter- golfer, and his management have worked against Cambrians flooding, the national bankruptcy and the to call them, seem pretty minor in the esting, because Tiger certainly ain’t inter- hard to keep him aloof, even from other clerical child abuse you would have light of what we’ve been looking at recent- esting, unless you’re a golfer. It is difficult players, and to present him as the perfect Deciding to bat first after winning thought that we would never smile again; ly. Of course it is no fun for Mrs Woods, for the rest of us to care whether Tiger is guy. the toss Nalanda College struggled to but then along comes Tiger, pursued by who is reportedly renegotiating the pre- going to beat Jack Nicklaus’s record of 18 Those of us who are not golf fans have post 166 for seven wickets at close as the three cocktail waitresses (so far), and nuptial agreement so that she can get victories in the four major golf tourna- only learned all this in the past seven Shehan Jayasuriya and Buddhika de the finest minds in journalism. about $300 million ments. Nicklaus did that between 1962 and days. It’s like Gino winning I’m A Alwis shared five wickets between What larks. ( 200 million) of her husband’s fortune 1986. Woods has already won 14, and he is Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here : you don’t them on the first day of their Under-19 give a damn until you are forcibly intro- Tournament match against Prince of duced to the phenomenon that other peo- Wales College which commenced at ple love. Most of us have never believed Moratuwa yesterday. that he was the perfect guy and so we have The match got off to a delayed start not been disappointed in him, or even real- due to wet ground conditions. No fun for Mrs. Woods, but ly diverted by all those headlines which Scores: broke the terrible news: “Tiger Only Nalanda 166 for 7 in 68.2 overs Human Shock.” (Nipun Karunanayake 22, Primesh Now we are listening to insinuations Dassanayake 33, Sineth Gunawardena plenty for the rest of us about Tiger’s sexual prowess – on RTÉ! – 32n.o, Suranga Tennakoon 23n.o; when we’re not even 100 per cent sure Shehan Jayasuriya 3/65, Buddhika de what a cocktail waitress is, although we Alwis 2/31) (RF) think we have a vague idea. A cocktail waitress certainly has enough money for plastic surgery, and enough exposure to male celebrities to Umpire walks out regularly make the news. Wasn’t George on Test after Clooney involved with a cocktail waitress? How many cocktail waitresses can there referrals row be in America? Tiger certainly meets an awful lot of nightclub employees, whether they are waitresses like Jaimee, club pro- moters like Kalika or hostesses like Rachel. For the non-fan it is the detail of the whole Tiger Woods shenanigans that is so cheering: Tiger telling one of the girls that he and she would always be together in a special, secret way.“Oh God,” said a friend who has been a bit depressed recently. “I laughed till I cried.” Or the fact that Jaimee Grubbs once featured on a television programme called Tools Academy. And the fact that she is called Jaimee Grubbs – this scandal is a world-beater on names alone. Michael Harris, editor of Golf Monthly,may feel that he has “less respect Australian captain Ricky Ponting and umpire Mark Benson exchange words on for him” but on the whole golf fans are a the 4th day of the 2nd Test between phlegmatic lot. They’re not the ones who Australia and India in Sydney, January 5, are going to stop buying Gillette razor blades, promoted by Tiger, Thierry Henry by Stephen Brenkley and Roger Federer. In fact, it is hard to say who exactly is going to boycott Gillette on Dec 7, 2009: Confusion and dis- the basis of Tiger being a twit. trust continued to plague the con- Marketing people are said to be partic- tentious referrals procedure in test ularly worried about the reaction of lady matches yesterday amid suspicion golf fans, but lady golf fans are made of that it had claimed its first official pretty stern stuff. victim. Mark Benson, the highly- In a world where the public is consis- rated English umpire, was on his tently lied to and taken advantage of – or way home after abandoning his role at least in which we suspect we are being in the second test between Australia lied to and taken advantage of – a whole and West Indies in Adelaide. public relations catastrophe is great sport. Although his employers, the You would want to be a very highly International Cricket Council, said evolved human being not to find it a won- Benson stood down in mid-match derful thing to see a man who has earned because of ill-health there were sev- $1 billion in a whole heap of trouble at eral reports about his unhappiness home. His wife and his mother don’t get with the Umpiring Decision Review on, apparently, and all in all, for a billion- System where verdicts can be over- aire sports hero Tiger doesn’t seem to turned on appeal to the third have been having the best of times, apart umpire by either the batting or the from having sex with a lot of pretty girls, bowling side. His future as a mem- poor fellow. So we are allowed a little ber of the elite panel of internation- excusable glee – all right, glee on a global al umpires is now in doubt. scale. The procedure has been enthusi- As for Tiger’s birdies, as we are com- astically backed by the ICC but has pelled to call them, Rachel Uchitel has led been less popular among players the way by hiring her own celebrity and officials. It was intended to be lawyer. This is the way forward for pretty used in all test series from October girls caught up in celebrity scandal. They following a trial period. are not going to be content to sell their sto- But India declined to use it in ries any more – they can make more their home series against Sri money by selling their silence, and their Lanka. After the rubber ended yes- rich lovers will be only too happy to pay terday in a 2-0 defeat for Sri Lanka, for it. their captain, Kumar Sangakkara, It is a rare scandal in which everybody insisted that the absence of reviews This is a Dec. 17, 2006, file photo showing Tiger Woods, right, looking down at his mother, Kultida, after winning the Target wins, but this just might be one of them. had cost his side. World Challenge golf tournament, in Thousand Oaks, Calif. For the first time since last Friday, when Woods ran his SUV into “This series is the best adver- a fire hydrant and a tree outside his Florida home, there were no news conferences involving police nor any statements from (Courtesy Irish Times) tisement for having the review sys- Woods on his Web site. (AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill) tem,” Sangakkara said after his side’s opening batsman, Tillakaratne Dilshan, was twice wrongly given out in the third test in Nagpur. But MS Dhoni, India’s Mercantile Division ‘C’ Cricket captain, took an opposite view, M.J.M. Lafir Tournament reaches although he conceded he had not Jehan’s heroics guide Commercial played in a series that used reviews. round robin stage “It is not 100 per cent foolproof,” he Bank to thrilling win said. by Roshen Steelman W.M.P. Pushpakumara (YMBA) (Group stage quarter finals): Benson was indignant on the The 8th M. J. M. Lafir beat Sashika Perera (YMCA) 2/0 M.I. Rifai (MSC) beat C. Atapattu by Reemus Fernando first day in Adelaide after one of his Memorial Billiards and Snooker (53/26, 70/42) (RPP) 3/2 (10/57, 20/50, 79/09, 61/23, decisions was overturned. He twice Tournament, which is conducted M.I.M. Rirai (MSC) beat Anil 59/44) After being 78 for nine wickets at one stage, an unbeaten gave the West Indies batsman, in honour of M. J. M. Lafir, who Rohana (Carlton) 2/0 (54/15, 52/19) B. Siriwardana (BRC) beat Anaz knock of 65 runs inclusive of seven sixes by Jehan Fernando Shivnarine Chanderpaul, not out to won the World Billiards C. Atapattu (RPP) beat W.M. Gazzali (OAC) 3/1 (69/28, 59/41, helped Commercial Bank record a scintillating one wicket vic- catches behind.