Student VIP Is Doing WHAT with My Data? 5 Where Are All the Ibis Babies? 6 Queer Newtown, Past & Present 8-9 Honi Explainer: Usyd Strategic Plan 15 Acknowledgement

HONI SOIT

Student VIP is doing WHAT with my data? 5 Where are all the Ibis babies? 6 Queer Newtown, Past & Present 8-9 Honi explainer: USyd Strategic Plan 15 Acknowledgement

The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. If you are reading this, you are standing on Aboriginal land. Please recognise and respect this.

We acknowledge both our privilege and our obligation to redress the situation as best we can: to remember the mistakes of the past, act on the problems of today, and build a future for everyone who calls this place home, striving always for practical and meaningful reconciliation.

Contents Editorial

4-5: News & Analysis 10-11: Thinkpiece and Profile A few months ago, Sydney was visited in an account or a smartcard (up from $200). Subeta Vimalarajah checks in on Naaman Zhou on the political by Tyler Brûlé, the editor of Monocle the tampon tax undercurrents of 90s trash Magazine. He made local news after Now look, it could just be a coincidence. Tom Joyner exposes dodgy Melissa Chow reviews Sleek asserting that Sydney was “on the But it could also be possible that the state behaviour with your data Geek and chats with Karl verge of becoming the world’s dumbest government was hoping that venues would Ed McMahon reports on the Kruszelnicki nation”. He was talking about Sydney’s push smokers away from outdoor areas and MUA picket excessive regulation and capped off this into the pokie room (where they were then 12-13: Culture declaration with a memorable anecdote. able to spend more money, money the state 6: In Too Deep: Alex Downie reviews the Apparently he had gotten in trouble for government gets a cut of ). Not all venues Sam Langford and Max Hall symphony drinking a glass of wine on the sidewalk went this way. The Flodge is too small to want to know where all the baby Alex Gillis on George Maple in front of his Monocle pop-up shop. have done this, and they couldn’t just not ibises are Benjamin Clarke reviews have a smoking area. So now we can drink MUSE’s ‘A Man of No Importance’ “boo hoo.” our wine in the sun, Tyler, but can’t eat our 7: Flotsam delicious, gourmet Forest Lodge Hotel Swetha Das had a religious 14-17: Flotsam Immediately the city was buzzing with pizza. experience with Harry Potter Dominic Elllis reviews Revues commentary accusing Brûlé of elitism, Dictionary love song dedications Rebecca Wong has actually read and a “let them eat cake” sort of attitude. This week I spoke to a few members of with Constance Titterton the University’s Strategic Plan the queer community about how late night Natalie Buckett commutes for ages But with a little reflection, there are a lot Sydney used to be. Not a lot of it was greener 8-9: Feature Stephanie Brown on hostel sex of things that we can’t do in Sydney that grass- they partied hard, but they also Samantha Jonscher on the Andrew Bell on Uber’s dodgy people in other places can do. And a lot remember violence, AIDS and a time when Imperial and Newtown’s queer dealings of decisions that are being made behind homosexuality was illegal. cutlure through the decades closed doors that slip right past us. 18: Gronkwatch Nonetheless, there was a sense that For instance, are you a bit bummed you something had been lost, we are more free, 25-27: The Garter can’t enjoy your Flodge pizza and Flodge but also a little less in a lot of ways, and we chips in the lovely Flodge beer garden dont really seem to notice–– or if we do, we anymore? I am. That new law came into don’t do much about it. effect on July 6th, just three days after a another law came into effect. As of July Samantha Jonscher 3rd, pokie players could store up to $5000

Credits

Editor-in-Chief: Samantha Jonscher

Editors: Tim Asimakis, Joanna Connolly, Alex Downie, Dominic Ellis, Sophie Gallagher, Patrick Morrow, Alexi Polden, Peter Walsh, Rebecca Wong.

Contributors: Andrew Bell, Stephanie Brown, Natalie Buckett, Benjamin Clarke, Melissa Chow, Swetha Das, Alex Gillis, Max Hall, Tom Joyner, Sam Langford, Ed McMahon, Constance Titterton, Subeta Vimalarajah, Naaman Zhou.

Artists/Illustrators: Stephanie Barahona, Elise Bickley, April Kang, Zita Walker, Alexandros Tsathas. .

Cover art: People, April Kang

Puzzles: Bolton Proofreader: Lachlan Deacon

Disclaimer: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney NSW 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Christopher Warren, Serena May, James Rusiti, Ilya Klauzner, Charlie O’Grady, and Alison Xiao. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. letters Thoughts, Feelings and Notices

Shit (heard and seen) Black Out Poetry

Dear Honi,

A disgruntled (& ill-informed) comment students prefer to hold in a poor-fibre diet Black out poetry is made by selectively Left: Andrew Bell on competitive culture overheard in the foyer of the Seymour until within earshot of the Commonwealth erasing words in articles to make new Centre following last week’s SUDS Major Law Reports, the passengers of Thursday’s articles. Here are two of last week’s Honi Right: Sam Langford and Max Hall on A Midsummer Night’s Dream regarding 4pm M30 weren’t saying. articles re-imagined by Lauren Pearce. If the USyd website redesign ‘the shit Sydney Uni [drama] produces’, you have more, send to the us at alongside Mr. Polden’s revelations about Of course the explanation could well be [email protected] SUSF’s campus Presidential White House in desperation—the only people mad have spurred me to a little investigative enough to use the law school bathrooms journalism1 of my own—specifically into are those on whom nature calls with such the shit Sydney Uni [law] produces. swiftness and force that they could never reach the campus’ crème-de-la-crème No where else on campus are bathroom loos of ██████ [location withheld], an cubicles so consistently subjected to event which occurs with such regularity such abhorrent treatment. Preliminary that if correct must be due to something questions as to the correlation between in the water (or the flat whites of Taste). Australia’s (alleged) most elite degree & an inability to ‘land one cleanly’2 Whatever the explanation, at least what asked throughout the Malcolm Turnbull comes out of the Cellar Theatre doesn’t Memorial Dome of Silence were met leave a stink on you all day. with stern points to the ‘quiet zone’ sign, suggesting the cause could lie in attitude, Regards, rather than any physical abnormality. Ryan Hunter. JD I. An informant at SULS’ fortnightly booze fest on Wednesday evening ‘leaked’ that 1 A phrase which here means ‘letter the cause may lay in not wanting to defile writing’. the pearly-white-porcelain-&-blue-water 2 A phrase which here means ‘splatter-less’. of mum’s Royal Doulton bathroom in Mosmon. However if it is true that

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Oops Corrections from last issue

Aimy Nguyen was misidentified as April Kang for the art on page 5

We said Tom Stoppard was dead. He isn’t.

We misspelled Bennett Sheldon’s name. It ends in two Ts. news & analysis War on the Waterfront Ed McMahon summarises the MUA’s industrial action.

he scene is set for one of the biggest 6 August 2015. 97 of 224 workers received by the Fair Work Commission upon industrial disputes of the century, text messages and emails declaring that application and argument between the betweenT Australia’s most militant union they no longer had a job, nor any rights. parties. and the world’s most aggressive waterfront Most of the workers were members of employer. the Maritime Union of Australia (MUA). Such an application was made by Australia’s most automated waterfront Hutchinson immediately. Meanwhile, Bill The Hutchison Port Holdings network employer was moving to become the least Shorten made an early appearance at the is a corporate giant. It operates 52 ports unionised. Under the banner of the MUA, Sydney picket. He was followed by local in 26 countries. It attracted international the workers immediately formed picket Labor MP Matt Thistlethwaite. Within attention in 2013 during the Hong Kong lines and shut Hutchinson’s Australian hours of their departure, the picket had dock strike. The strike was one of the ports down. been declared illegal under their former largest in Hong Kong’s modern history. It government’s industrial relations laws. lasted for forty days and inflicted millions It is in many ways a repeat of the colossal of dollars of losses on the Hutchinson waterfront dispute of 1998—with two Nonetheless, the picket continued to build network and Hong Kong’s richest man, important differences. strength. Rebel Hanlon of the CFMEU Li Ka-shing, who sits at the centre of and Jim Casey of the Fire Brigade the network. In the face of tremendous Firstly, the 1998 dispute was fought against Employees Union pledged their unions’ pressure, Hutchinson conceded a modest Patrick Stevedores, an Australian company ongoing support. Community members pay rise to the workers and the network’s with decades of dealings with the Australian flooded to the pickets. A number of Sydney empire churned on. In fact, it expanded. trade union movement. Some picketers say University students joined them—the SRC that Hutchinson doesn’t know what it is in and NTEU banners flew high on Friday Brisbane Container Terminals joined the for; others say it doesn’t care. This is likely night. This strong presence was maintained list in January 2013. It was followed by to turn on the second major difference— into the weekend. Sydney International Container Terminals The Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth). in July 2014. Some of Australia’s most The scene is now set for a watershed moment skilled waterfront workers accepted The Fair Work Act was the Rudd in contemporary Australian politics. It employment with Hutchinson. They were Government’s legislative response to a represents the perfect storm of global offered competitive pay and conditions to decade of Howard Government reforms. It capital, militant unionism, a conservative build the Hutchinson empire. distinguishes between “protected industrial government thirsty for industrial relations action” and “unprotected (illegal) industrial reform, and a Labor party that is stuck in This all ended at about midnight on Friday action”. The line between the two is drawn the middle of it all. Gladys, Stop Taxing Our Period Subeta Vimalarajah updates you on the anti-Period Tax campaign.

t has been three months since I started NSW, Tasmania and WA). Unsurprisingly, territory that have joined my campaign should be channeling our energy towards. the “Stop Taxing My Period” petition. Tasmania and WA, although willing to as “local representatives”. In New South I agree, and that is why my heart will I101 000 or so signees later, I’m coming up have a conversation, would not come out Wales, I am coordinating the “Stop Taxing always lie with the work of the Wom*n’s to the final hurdle—the CFFR (Council in conclusive support before the meeting. My Period Dance Rally”, which will be Collective in fighting the closure of vital of Federal Financial Relations) meeting. New South Wales, sadly, but perhaps held at Martin Place—between Pitt and services and spreading intersectional On the 19th August, Joe Hockey will meet expectedly, were the only state unwilling Castlereagh Street. It is less of a protest; politics. That said, this is a national issue with the state and territory treasurers from to spare ten minutes of their day to discuss more of a passive aggressive celebration that has started an important conversation across Australia and discuss the fate of the their position. This makes our state the for the treasurers that are supporting us, about gender. Big and small issues are not “tampon tax” (as it has come to be known). most important one in the conversation— urging Gladys Berejiklian to be one of discrete, they are connected to a broader This is the last leg of a campaign that has if Gladys Berejiklian refuses to scrap them. I am awaiting confirmation on structure of power that we are trying to gained national and international traction. the tax, it will be up to the next band of who will be speaking and performing. We dismantle, and the GST free tampon is campaigners to re-raise and resolve this have Freudian Nip locked in, who will one fragment we can destroy once and Over the holidays, we started issue. be starting off our period-themed (yes, for all. So, please come! 14th of August, communicating with the state and shamelessly stolen from Ashton Kutcher 2-3pm, Martin Place. territory treasury departments. TheTo re-direct some attention to the issue, in No Strings Attached) playlist, with a objective was to affirm the position of the events are being held across the country on rendition of Tay Tay’s Bad Blood. treasurers on our side (thank you Victoria, August 14th. They are being coordinated ACT, Queensland, South Australia and by an amazing group of young women A lot of people tell me, and I honestly often NT) and lobby the dithering states (c’mon from university campuses in each state and tell myself, that this is not the sole issue we

4 news & analysis

The SRC has removed this article from the online version for legal reasons

5 misc (etym)online dating While some of us put hearts in our names on MSN Messenger to show we’re in love, Constance Titterton sponsors words in the dictionary.

ou can say I love you in a thousand duet. Often separated yet always together, may Beyond the romantic/erotic, there are production of an irritated oyster.” He has ways. Some people buy flowers and we -- a duo -- continue to make mellifluous all sorts of lovers here, from those who his own dedication, but it’s not a word. The chocolates.Y Some go to protests. And some melodies. Yours, DF love generally exploring words, to those entire site is dedicated to Ernest Klein, a sponsor a word in the Online Etymology who specifically “love debunking ‘ye old’ Czech rabbi imprisoned at Dachau. Klein Dictionary. For $10 you can sponsor a Earwig (n.): as a way to remember my late pronounced with the ‘y’ sound”. There’s a survived Dachau, but upon returning home word for six months, and if you follow the partner Paul, who taught me English in a self-described “smudge of ashen fluff ”, a found that most of his family, including link at the bottom right of the homepage, very unique way, I’d like to sponsor the word meditative crocheter, and a woman who his father, wife, and only child, had been you can read their dedications. Although “earwig” - following the little joke Paul used constructed a language and then taught murdered in Auschwitz. Later in life he not all words are exclusively sponsored out to cheer me up ever now and again: what does her family.2 There’s an “appreciative created an etymological dictionary in the of love,1 a large proportion are. Below are one earwig say to the other while jumping off a conservative” and a mystic, an alpaca lover hope that showing the interrelationships my favourite, ranked in order of swallows, cliff? - earwi-goooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! and the mother of the National Spelling of languages through the way their misty eyes and unbidden smiles. Bee champion. One of etymonline’s for- words were historically connected would Clemency (n.): This is for Andie. I still love sale badges says “because every word has contribute to the pursuit of peace on earth. There’s the simple, straightforwardyou. a story to tell”. And it’s true. To sponsor Klein’s dictionary became one of the chief dedications. Ouch. a word for someone you love—is this sources for etymonline. So I wouldn’t scoff Smitten (adj.): By JG for over twenty-five the ultimate commitment, the elevation at those who dedicate love, or hero, or years. Some are meant for the world to read. of lover to world through word? Or is it smitten. Love can’t often be expressed best Culinary (adj.): I’m happy to sponsor a sappily romantic? I think the former.3 The in language, but sometimes words work. And trickier, self-reflexive etymological word. I want to give it as a present to my diversity and ferocity of love inscribed into Nicholas Stanicof defined it best, with explorations: fiance. I hope more people find true love. And these dedications is testament to the need lovelonging. Lovelonging - a verb, a noun, -phile (suffix): Michael, From one “phile” to I love different languages. I wish people learn for connection, a desire as deep as language so often felt, so rarely expressed, and almost another, happy Valentine’s Day. more about other people and other countries. that surpasses culture. Etymonline was never fulfilled. To the one who fills me with created by a man who grew up between lovelonging ‘till I can am overflowing with And then there’s whole worlds condensed And some are deeply, intimately private. the Quakers and the Amish, and keeps the love. But perhaps the truest declaration of into one word: Goddess (n.): Because you are one, my site running as an impulsively-conceived love occurs right up the top, with weirdo, Duo (n.): Dear NK, Our own “song for two darling Niagra. Your metalogical Merlin. labour of love. Self-professed, he’s no sponsored by Jessica. For Matthew, my voices” was written one night in a humble Apocalypse (n.): sarah, i love the way you etymologist, but rather an amateur, whose favorite weirdo. Love, Fluttershy.4 Peruvian kitchen. Under the gaze of the tell the story. thanks for taking the cover off. it response to those who call etymonline a Pachamama, our matchmaker, we began our felt a mystical event to me. gem is to say, “It’s a pearl: the accidental www.etymonline.com/sponsors.php

1. One of the most curious is internet, sponsored by Likes24, because “nowadays it has grown up to an economic good, whose constant availability is an indispensable element of many areas of everyday life.” Who is Likes24 and what is their blunt rationalism doing here? A search of their website reveals they’re a site that sells Facebook likes: $19 will buy you 500, but if you’re looking for value for money, you’re better off getting 2000 for $59. (Rest assured that their likes are from “Real&Active Facebook Users (No Bots or Fake Accounts)”). A page on the site answers the question you might be thinking, namely, why should I purchase more Facebook friends? Their answer: “Many of us want to have the most Facebook friends as humanly possible.” Internet might seem like a detour from love. But clearly, we’re all looking for connection. 2. Inara Tabir, who sponsored conlang “in honour of the conlanging community. May you dream in your language.” A trawl through conlang message boards (chatrooms for those who create languages, worlds and cultures) revealed that not only was she granted citizenship of the Kingdom of Talossa (or, in Talossan, El Regipäts Talossan) in part because of her service to the conlang community, she’s also famous for having successfully taught her conlang to her ‘young ones’, as worded by the poster who signed off with: Our faint souls depart while our steadfast bodies lie dutifully in the grave. In other places she’s hailed as a ‘world maker’ (in between blog posts on Magic Underwear and Resonant Beauty). 3. Incidentally, dissent is dedicated to CET: my initials. For CET, because no one will make a better American than those who want to change it. Happy anniversary, love! Although, alas, I’ve never been in love with a CWG who dedicated a word to me, my heart beat faster seeing those letters and I realised that my religious schooling did despite my best attempts imprint itself on my psyche, in that I do believe that The One will reveal themselves through The Word. I’d leave my number but now you know the personals ads that I read. 4. May we all find the weirdos who fill us to overflow.

Harry Potter As Religious Experience Swetha Das reports on a pilgrimmage to Hogwarts.

have visited hundreds of temples over The entire journey lasted only a couple of felt the same sting in my eyes. my lifetime, but nothing could come minutes, but out of the ‘window’ I spied Iclose to Harry Potter World—truly the English scenery and an owl fluttering I don’t think I’ve ever seen my most spectacular shrine dedicated to the by. The door showed the outline of a mother look as worried for me as world’s greatest holy texts. Dementor closing in on my carriage. I felt she did that day. Her bemusement a pang in my chest, my eyes stinging, as gradually became concern, The Harry Potter series, like for most of I thought of Harry being inside the same and she shot me a particularly my generation, was an integral part of my train, excited to finally go to Hogwarts, his bewildered glance when I stared childhood. During my adolescence, I was only home. I confided this to my mother. at the body of a chocolate frog fortunate to have either a book or movie “Wait, isn’t Hogwarts a school?” and morosely whispered “Fred” release on my birthday. For a long time, in the middle of the Weasley’s my annual present would be a hardcover Walking through Diagon Alley, a cloud of Wizard Wheezes joke shop. edition or tickets to the midnight prayers followed me. Dressed in Hogwarts screening of the film. My devotion to the garb, groups of children stood, chanting Gingerly clutching my time series was set in stone after my visit to this spells and flicking their wands in unison. turner keyring and butterbeer magical portion of Universal Studios. At the waterfall, water suddenly spouted souvenir cup, I looked back at from the stone frog’s mouth. the glorious world of Harry In order to travel around Harry Potter Potter with deep veneration. It World, we had to take the Hogwarts Was this place truly as magical as it felt? only took a $147 entrance fee Express. We queued, like monks waiting and wand motion sensors for me silently in line. After an hour, we entered I pretended not to notice the motion to find my second home. King’s Cross. sensor at the top of the waterfall that sensed their wand movements, as again I Art by Elise Bickley. 6 in too deep Where are all the Ibis Babies? Yes, yes, we’ve all seen ibises on campus, but does anyone have any idea where they’re born? Sam Langford and Max Hall look closer.

t Courtyard, over something with University Ibis Watch, a Facebook page chorizo in it, someone asks the that promises to “[remind] us that, despite millionA dollar question: where are all the its ostensible divinity, ibises too must walk baby ibis?1 like the rest of us.” He wishes to remain anonymous, but agrees to meet us between It should be a simple question. The adult the rubbish skips near the Engineering ibes, after all, crop up everywhere—from buildings after dark. We don’t manage to ancient Egyptian murals to the margins glimpse his face during the meeting—just of tourists’ selfie-stick Quad shots and the profile of an ibis mask, and the shadow the bin outside Taste. In Hyde Park, of papier-mâché wings. elderly Ibis umpire games of giant chess, occasionally pausing their supervisory We ask him what he thinks of ibis hovering to forcibly extract remuneration “management”, to which he gives a thumbs in the form of a hot chip or three.2 up. His response changes to “oh my God” when he realises what “management” is. Baby Ibes, by contrast, seems to exist only on Google Images, where, like most things Art by Stephanie Barahona. With respect to ibis-plane collisions, he on Google Images, they straddle the line says he’s conflicted. “On the one hand,” between adorable and horrifying. The jet engines, a mental image as horrifying “In the 1970s, in the Sydney region, if you he notes, “danger to airline passengers is chicks look like a drab grey version of the as the anti-cape montage in The Incredibles. saw a white ibis you’d be fairly impressed, a serious concern. On the other, our ibis pipe-cleaner-and-pom-pom structures you When we later confirm this with Dr. John if you were a birdo—you’d call up your overlords should be feared. And which built in pre-school. They inspire flashbacks Martin, a wildlife ecologist at the Royal mates and you’d say ‘come and have a look damnable species stole the number one of overly proud parents, and artworks that Botanic Gardens. He casually relates at this, this great bird is here.’” place from them?4 I’ll clip their bloody mysteriously disappear from the coveted an incident on the Gold Coast in 1995, wings.” spot in the centre of the fridge. where an ibis-engine collision took out It turns out that the ibis, like most of us, the engine. “There were no fatalities for commuted to Sydney. However, unlike Rival Facebook page Ibis out of Redfern Which is an apt comparison, really, humans,” he assures us, “just the ibis.” most of us, capitalism has been very kind NOW is less concerned by ibis-plane because the baby ibis are nowhere to be to it. Unlike its native wetlands, the big collisions. “While $8m is a large number found. Nonetheless, the damage was done. smoke has it all—more discarded Taste I would guess that it pales in comparison According to Flight Safety Australia’s baguettes than you can poke a beak at. to the social cost of Ibis on the the local * * * January 2005 publication, a Qantas community. I have been petitioning daily estimate put the repair costs at $8 million, Like most conservationists, Dr. Martin is for years to every level of government and As it turns out, every ibis expert in including replacement of the engine. The concerned about returning the ibis to its it sounds like it is finally paying off in the Australia is also mysteriously missing. We Australian Transport Safety Bureau’s natural habitat. Unfortunately, as he puts form of egg extermination.” compare Out of Office replies, looking for riveting 2002 research paper (“The Hazard it, “why would you give up on the good signs of struggle in the metadata. Perhaps Posed to Aircraft by Birds”) estimates that life?” The admin is equally unimpressed by calls the experts are where the baby ibis are— bird incidents cost the global aviation for conservation. “Some have mentioned which is to say, disappeared. We check industry $3 billion annually. The same As for the baby ibis, they do exist, despite the fact that they are natives—I’ve said 4chan and Reddit. Eventually, we get a paper identifies the ibis as the second most egg and nest “management” programs it before, Hitler was also a native of reply from a human: there is a conference hazardous offender. Perhaps the biggest in various areas. Unfortunately for us, somewhere and look at the mess that overseas. We are terrible journalists. threat to planes these days is not ISIS, but chances of seeing them are slim. Ibis got us in. I applause (sic) your article IBIS. are, according to John, “not a particularly and encourage everyone to continue the While waiting for further correspondence, successful breeding species”, and will tend conversation.” we take matters into our own hands. * * * to produce one surviving chick for every Armed with David Attenborough tapes, 2-3 egg clutch. Those chicks will fledge * * * we venture to the nearest wetlands. Our Days pass without further communication after 5-6 weeks, leaving an incredibly definition of wetland is porous, so we from John. So far, we have a conjectured limited window of fuzzball awkwardness. So where are the baby ibis? They are settle on the ‘lake’ in Victoria Park. A few massacre, decades-old evidence of birds Given that they tend to spend that time in nested in long grass and on the wide centimetres under its surface, there is a willing to throw away life and wing to take “running around the breeding area”, it’s fronds of palm trees, watched over by their thin strip of metal. It’s a precarious bridge; down planes, and a lot of questions. unlikely that we’ll be seeing baby ibes prominent parents. It’s now apparent that the sole link from the mainland to the tiny frequenting the bins on Eastern Ave any the young have long been protected by the island in the lake’s centre.3 Unfortunately, We can’t believe no-one has written time soon. speciesist indifference of the public and a we learn this too late. Frustrated and damp, amateur journalism about baby ibis before. small clique of academics who assiduously we give up on the outdoors. Wikipedia We ask Martin explicitly about the culling avoid the limelight. later tells us we’re too early for breeding * * * of ibises. He defaults to euphemistic season anyway. terms of “management” and “deterrence”, Ibis do not stay young for long. They run, Perilously close to deadline, we’re saved but does acknowledge that the culling of then fly, then forage for themselves; taking Back on the sweet, dry internet, we find by a gentle Microsoft Outlook ding. The ibis could be reactionary. The Gold Coast to the bins and skies of their adopted horror stories. Specifically, horror stories email is perfunctory, sleek, black-and- plane collision led to “a large amount suburban home to join the throng of involving canola oil, which some park white—much like the ibis itself. of management across the coast” as wizened adults, fully grown. They are no rangers spray on ibis eggs to asphyxiate the authorities retaliated against ibes for their longer balls of fluff. They are no longer a foetuses. In this Deconstructed Organic “Hi Sam and Max, we can talk tomorrow. brethren’s righteous attack against the mystery. Quinoa Muesli age, it’s good to know that 9231 ****. Kind regards, John.” machines invading their native skies. even our instrument of mass murder is How to ibis-proof your jet engine like a low-cholesterol. Over the phone, Dr. Martin is calm, * * * pro professional: a conservation enthusiast. Other stories are even more sinister. We He quickly renews our faith in the majesty Disturbed by the systematic murder of Step One: Build jet engine. read of innocent ibis churned to death in of the ibis. baby ibes, we approach the admin of Sydney Step Two: Throw 3-4 dead chickens into jet engine. Stand clear of viscera. Step Three: Dry-retch, or if particularly 1. The quick and dirty on plural suffixes: you can use ibises, ibes, ibides or ibis. The first makes sense, the others are for old people, keen, go ahead and actually vomit. academics and wankers. Step Four: Survey the damage, be glad 2. Or your fingers—they aren’t fussy. that you’re an engineer and not a janitor. 3. Unless you have a boat on hand, or a can-do attitude and a spare pair of pants. Step Five: Improve jet engine, repeat 4. The #1 most hazardous bird to planes is the eagle. Flight Safety Australia notes that “As a high flying bird that thinks it is ‘king of from Step One. the skies’, the eagle is less inclined than some other species to make way for aircraft”. As if it’s the eagle’s fault it got ingested by a jet Step Six: Pick up some Canola oil at engine. Coles on the way home. 7 feature The Life and Death of an Institution

Queer nightlife has a long history in Newtown. After the commercialisation of Oxford Street, Newtown and The Imperial Hotel became a vital part of Sydney’s queer communty. Samantha Jonscher speaks to veterans of the scene and to those that are trying to shape it (and keep it going) now.

t age 23, when Vicky was caught cruising in a park by her parent’s neighbour,A she left her suburban Sydney home and fled to the city. “It was 1984, ‘transexuality’ didn’t exist. I was just a gay man who hated my body and hated myself.” Those early days in Sydney were tough, she says, but by the time she found herself living in Newtown, she quickly learned she wasn’t alone. “I was a freak, sure, we sort of internalised that idea, I guess, but we all had each other, we were all freaks––back then I was a ‘cross-dresser’, a ‘transvestite’.” She pauses. “And The Imperial, that was the centre of my life, the centre of my freakness, my friends’s freakness”.

Thirty years later, Newtown still has a bit of that “freakness”. Or at least it does according to the Marrickville council website. The Newtown Entertainment Precinct apparently offers “24-hour people-watching”. I tell Vicky this and she laughs it off. “King Street is nothing like it was––I mean it looks sort of similar–– but it’s all different. The King Street I remember was rough, really rough- but it was also sort of safe, like I didn’t stand out as much. Because everyone did. Now, sure there are still a lot of characters left over, but it’s not the same. There is a Gorman, Clockwise from left: Onlookers watch drag show at The Imperial (1982); Queens competing for title of Ms Reconcilliation (1999); The for Christ sake.” Imperial Hotel (1984); behind the bar at The Imperial (1987);Westie contingent at Mardi Gras (1994); House of Mince attendee (2014).

When you talk to people who have been on the Sydney scene for a long time, The out of high school. It was also the year Oxford Street was starting to change. them, the community. Imperial comes up as a special place––a that homosexuality was decriminalized In 1994, Priscilla Queen of the Dessert came perfect cocktail of sin, sex and love. Vicky in NSW. “I grew up with violence around out. Part of it was actually filmed at The Capsis however points to it as the called it “absolute freedom, absolute sexuality. I wasn’t a big bar person, but Imperial. It brought queer culture to the beginning of the end, for Oxford Street embrace––it was dirty, purely dirty, but also that’s what I liked about The Imperial. You masses and showed the world, with pride, anyway. “Post-Priscilla, all the pubs became friendly. I found it easy to make friends could meet people a lot easier, there wasn’t what Sydney’s queer scene was about. very commercialized. Heterosexuals were there”. These feelings come up again and that wall of pretension a lot of the other Vicky left Sydney around this time, but coming to gawk at what this Priscilla film again. bars had. More acceptance.” remembers this as a the beginning of what was all about. It ended up changing the she hoped would be “less violence, less entire scene. Destroying it really. From Jonny Seymour, half of the organizing “Its location isolated it. Newtown was hate, more celebration. I guess that is what then most queers would go to Newtown, brawn behind Sydney queer institution still sort of rough with its multicultural, happened”. because they didn’t want to be gawked at Club Kooky and a celebrated DJ, describes multifaceted working class. Gay men as part of some big commercialized thing.” The Imperial of the late 80’s and early 90’s hadn’t quite migrated en masse like they It’s interesting how often this film comes as “the first venue I felt at home at”. “Once had in the early 80’s and late 70’s to Surry up amongst people I interviewed as a “Things like Mardi Gras went from upon a time the basement was an illegal Hills, which permanently changed the turning point for queer culture in Sydney. being political and unified, to a bloated cruise sex club. Think sawdust floors, a face of the neighborhood. Newtown was a Seymour pointed to its release as “a seismic pig of a thing that started to exclude and room full of bathtubs, a motorcycle, slings slightly out of the way place, and the music shift for the Sydney gay community”, marginalise people within the community. and a ‘none more black’ darkroom.” was more punk and rock, which was a nice people came to understand that “Taylor There was too much money, too much Paul Capsis, a cabaret artist, joined the alternative to the disco of Oxford Street”. Square was the ground zero for Friends of tension, and we thought ‘oh they’re looking Sydney queer scene in 1984, two years Also around this time, Capsis explained, Dorothy”, so they flocked to come and see at us now, we have to show ourselves at our 8 feature

best, and our most extreme, and our most themselves up to accepting her- Vicky “out of towners”. Could the two coexist? Safety is increasingly the central issue. For exciting’.” stopped in at The Imperial on a Saturday Liang, who moved to Sydney from regional night. “It was a bit like it used to be, the Spice’s management seemed like NSW, coming to Newtown was meant to Today, that Imperial––of the 80’s and main bar was a hive of my people, but something that went hand in hand with be a positive homecoming. “In many ways 90’s-–is gone. It had its ups and downs, but there were also other people there too. the new people that were popping up in it was, there were no other lesbians that I shut, possibly permanently, in July of this knew about where I came from. They are year. This most recent shutdown seems to so visible here. But it’s disappointing that revolve around one central image in the “Kooky has been solely responsible for so many of us finally blokes yell ‘dyke’ at me while I’m out late police reports: patrons licking alcohol from with my girlfriend, also just shitty racist the floor while staff watched on, amused, realising that we’re always going to have that home away stuff ”. There are a lot of stories like this and uncaring––probably high themselves. floating around – it seems that late night from home.” harassment on King Street has become Thinking back about what the venue used commonplace in a way that it didn’t used to be, Seymour told me this was “school- to be. ma’am tame in comparison to the venue’s They were nice enough, but it felt less like line for the Marley at 2am, the new faces debauched past”. my place, a queer place. A couple weeks buying property, the transphobic incidents Poynton has watched Newtown change, later though, I went back with a friend and the Newtown Hotel’s renovations. It “only locals used to go out here, there was a When The Imperial entered its heyday, who was performing from the old days. It was only open for three months before it lot of respect, a real love-thy-neighbor vibe. Newtown, unlike Oxford Street and Surry was totally different, it was a night put on shut down, so a lot of those fears remain Now I get harrassed way more than I ever Hills, was still grungy. Vicky remembers by queer promoters and immediately The untested. did before”. it as a different kind of place to Oxford Imperial was a gay venue again”. Street. “I always felt less like I was on show Siobhan Poynton has lived directly across It’s hard not to see this as a step backward. there- I went there to have fun, not to be Ash Houghton, owner of Satellite Café from The Imperial for five years, and The subtext to all these conversations is seen. There was a lot of different people in Newtown, entered the scene in mid- recently tried to organise a protest to save it the well-understood equation: safety plus there as well. On Oxford Street things 2000’s. She cut her teeth at Club 77 in and to save Newtown’s nightlife. She is also freedom plus space for community equals were becoming segregated, X crowd would The Cross. Talking about today’s Imperial, a DJ who has a lot of experience playing political mobilization, equals resistance, go to this place, Y crowd would go here. Houghton sounds a lot like those who the Cross, either side of the lockout laws. strength. There was also a lot of women, who were knew it in the 1990’s. “The Imperial is a She says that in the time she has lived in increasingly avoiding Oxford Street.” home to a lot of us. It’s always had open Newtown, a lot of the changes have been Capsis is clear that he thinks that the arms, a whole lot of love, and a fuck load of positive. She points to more, small live additional regulations being brought in are But over time, from the 90’s to the naughties, glitter…You would make 20 friends in five music venues cropping up on King Street. hurting the queer community, weakening The Imperial lost some momentum and minutes, and you’ll never look back”. But But there are plenty of downsides. “Sydney it. Increased policing, tight regulation, Newtown started to shift, housing prices she notes, “the crowd obviously changes is making some of the best dance artists in rules, strict licensing and lock outs are in went up and gentrification set in. In 2007, with whoever’s promoting the night, but if the world and we’re just shutting everyone the interest of the people in control, with owner Shadd Danesi (who also owns it’s queer, it’s always going to be nothing down, even though we’re meant to be the power. “We claimed Mardi Gras, our space Oxford Street venue ARQ) closed the but fucking great”. Houghton points to gayest city in the world.” for ourselves. A lot of young people are hotel for renovations and petitioned the Seymour’s work with DJ Gemma as Club fighting now, but every day it gets harder local council to increase capacity from Kooky and Peter Shopovski’s projects, Poynton has watched a lot of venues close for people to be free, to fight, to overcome. 306 to 788. Part of the proposal was the including House of Mince as guaranteed down in the Cross. When there are fewer It’s all connected. It keeps us all under addition of a ‘giant stiletto’ to the pub’s good nights out. venues across the board, of course there isn’t control.” roof, an exact replica of the stiletto in the room for everyone to have their own space. filmPriscilla: Queen of the Desert. Houghton, like a lot of others members of It isn’t hard to see why club nights, more I asked Vicky what she thought about this the community that I spoke to, said that than clubs, are the norm. As demographics and she told me that freedom was really In many ways the conversations we are key to those days of old––“freedom to fuck, having today about nightlife in Newtown freedom to dance, freedom to hang loose started then. Residents were weary of living Patrons licking alcohol from The Imperials’ floor? “school- and be gross, freedom to be, just be whatever. near the nightlife venue that they chose to ma’am tame in comparison to the venue’s debauched past”. That freedom taught us disobedience”. live near by. The queer community was left with nowhere to go in Newtown (the There is a sense behind a lot of these changes Newtown Hotel closed around this time they only went out if it was a party put on change and clubs close, there simply aren’t that things happen behind closed doors as well). There were arguments about how by certain promoters. “They’re brilliant at enough venues or neighborhoods left for with covert motives, Seymour mentions much traffic to the area would increase if what they do and they always bring the communities to claim. “the Christian right, shady casino deals capacity was increased. There was support crowd you want to be around. You won’t and parliamentarians’ real estate concerns”. from those who saw the advantages of get that crowd on any ordinary night out. Seymour is upfront about the issues that There is a sense that things might be lost, having a major club in a suburb other than Instead, you’ll generally get overcrowded face Club Kooky and organisations like it: but they can get better, with resistance. the Cross. People talked about the stiletto venues, the same music you’ve heard in the “this difficult time we are going through ruining the pub’s heritage architecture. bar you just left, and bad bad attitudes from will pass, but the damage is painful on In a recent Facebook post Seymour offered the “out-of-towners”––those strangers social, economic and emotional levels”. this: “Let’s not be sad for what venues we The Imperial reopened in 2010 with a who come to Newtown ‘cos they’ve heard Venues seem to close all the time, “because are losing, let’s be grateful for what we’ve 24-hour licence, increased capacity and it’s ‘cool’.” of everything from unscrupulous venue been fortunate enough to experience: multi-million dollar renovations to show owners to the police. But each party is magical times shared, sweated, danced, for it (no giant Stiletto, though). But, it In many ways, Spice Cellar’s residence at always queerer than the last. This year made out, laughed, loved, cried and hugged had been closed for three years and people The Imperial brought a lot of these issues we celebrate 20 years of keeping the together. We make these communal had moved on, “we occupied other bars to the forefront. They partnered with community weird”. Speaking about experiences, and these can never be taken and spaces” Seymour explained, “we are a Seymour as their creative ambassador, The Imperial, Seymour calls it a “sacred away from us or shut down. It’s ok to grieve, species that know how to adapt”. The scene promising to keep the venue a queer space, queer space. Online cruising apps don’t but it’s important to persevere and resonate was changing. marketing themselves under the slogan foster community. This iconic space must joy. No law is worthy of our tears. Come “Community. Culture. Diversity”. But continue”, it was about bringing together together, occupy spaces, dance and heal. On a recent trip back to Sydney to visit they had also moved from Martin Place–– “all queers of the spectrum to celebrate and This situation will pass and we will survive her family- who had recently opened the late night heartland for Houghton’s feel safe”. and twirl united.” 9 art thinkpiece

Maybe There is No Moral. Maybe it’s Just a Bunch of Stuff That Happened. Naaman Zhou probes the politics of your favourite sitcom.

ine months before the ballot box with Seinfeld, and via Friends, is now in “No hugging, no learning”. Fiances died The Simpsons on the other hand–– dumped him, George Bush Snr the process of a long withering––think and bubble-boys burst, but characters indebted to Roseanne––were working- Nsaid he hated The Simpsons. It was 1992, Charlie Sheen and Sheldon–– a studio- weren’t allowed to grow or express class and financially insecure4. The the campaign trail, the Washington lot hollowing out. empathy. On paper it sounds horrific. people may have been drawings but Sheraton. Picture flashbulbs, flags and But it turned out to crucial to the on- money had reality. Seinfeld’s ballast Bush like a sad foxhound, hunting that *** screen chemistry, a tool that opened up a was an ever-present, always terrible second term he’d never get. In the glare new class of deep-observational humour. family. Even Jerry, whose gig as never- of the lights, the crowd looked like an Before The Simpsons, the world was struggling comedian was a kind of easy kill. Family Ties and Growing Pains3. This is because, when you think about proto-Joey-the-actor, had Uncle Leo. Characters were spotless and conflict it, the genius of Seinfeld has always been A withered accoutrement, eternally “We need to strengthen the American flowed, in twenty-minute spans, into somewhat inhuman. Its hallmarks have hanging off his arm, like Guilt in a family,” he says, and they roar. “We clean moral resolution. The Very Special a touch of the robotic – precise gag- weather-appropriate coat. need to make families more like The Episode rode tall in the timeslot. It syntax, analytical overclocking, eye like Waltons” ––and here he grins like he’s was like if fables had adbreaks. But a microscope. Diminished emotional As the noughties wore on, Friends grew really nailing it1 –– “and a lot less like The Simpsons ran on selfishness and capacity completes the circuit, allowing gradually untethered. With its blend The Simpsons.” dysfunction. It was gloriously funny things like breaking up with someone of free love and free rent, it created a and casually cruel and happy to let bad for eating peas one at a time. new creature – a kind of yuppie-hippie. It was textbook Republican rhetoric: things happen to good people. See: This was an invented demographic –no Family values! Corruption of the youth! Homer bankrupting his brother, Bart Seinfeld twisted the sitcom formula in so young, nebulously-employed bohemian The crowd cheered on the night, but it exploiting a program for orphans, every was, in hindsight, an historical fuck-up. interaction with Flanders ever. The Waltons was a nostalgic rural drama, “If The Simpsons was Bush kryptonite ... Friends was politically set in the 30s, shot in black-and-white. There’s a scene the writers talk about in muted, a gentle backdrop to Clinton and Bush Jnr.” It was all-blonde and anodyne. Edgeless season 3’s Lisa the Greek. Lisa, desperate as threshed wheat and already rotting. for parental affection, tries to sit with The Simpsons was young but manically Homer on the couch. The gag is that he many different ways but this was the one could afford to live in that kind of popular, not only wrangling Michael hates it and pushes her onto the floor. that stuck. The ratings soared and the apartment. It’s the offspring, not of the Jackson but slaying The Cosby Show. They nearly didn’t air it, nervous about studios, because all TV is cloning and Seinfeld gang, but of Kramer alone. The Bush –– high off Desert Storm, blind to how audiences might react to such cruel tweaked descendence, birthed Friends. zany and carefree, grafted onto a source the ratings - gambled and lost. disregard. of guilt-free nutrient and left to grow. If The Simpsons was Bush kryptonite And the fruit got too sweet. The thing is though - it should have It was this superficial shittiness (subversive, anti-core but inexplicably, worked. It’s an institution now, but that tricked Bush into thinking The maddeningly popular), Friends was So while The Simpsons and Seinfeld back in ‘92, The Simpsons was newly- Simpsons was a soft target, shunnable, politically muted, a gentle backdrop to were explicitly progressive––Lisa used hatched and somewhat vulnerable. You contra-society. Instead, they were the Clinton and Bush Jnr. It was socially a searingly feminist vocabulary5, Elaine can see how the traditional furrows of groundswell. The malicious sitcom duller, never controversial and began, at was pro-choice and sex-positive–– American Conservatism––hatred of the was in many ways, a reflection of the the end of its run, to resemble a hermit’s Friends was a bit mushy beneath the new, sanctity of the perfect family––saw national mindset. The Simpsons was chamber of expendable income and skin. It did its best, nodded approvingly in it a natural enemy. almost prescribed by its time period to constant leisure. Proof that America at the issues, but still made jokes about be sarcastic––by the 90s, TV had accrued was doing just fine. “homos” and coined, to its eternal Thus I make the case for The Simpsons a stiflingly rich history, became so trope- discredit, the phrase ‘friend-zone’. as a watershed. It’s the show that shaped dense you almost had to be trope-aware, What you have to remember about the decade, seat of its king trend: the rise cynical or actively mean to get noticed. Friends is that its opening seasons It was a dangerous lesson: that the of the mean sitcom2. The public had shown an unexpected were grungier and less popular. It was douchebag could be depoliticised, the taste for this kind of venom, and hand in only through a process of shedding, of bastard could be loveable even without It’s no secret that the modern sitcom hand, the networks and the politicians keeping what was most pleasing, that redemption. That’s how we got the was forged in the 90s through cold changed. it became a behemoth. Friends had Chuck Lorre protagonist, where being wit and yuppie malice. It’s the story of all the snarky, caustic trimmings of mean for no reason is its own joke. sociopathy becoming acceptable comedy Over in New York, the writers on its predecessors, but the suffering was Bush would have spat the dummy. fodder. It started in Springfield, peaked Seinfeld had one rule and they called it gradually airbrushed out.

1. Think: old man’s glee, the kind of grin that celebrates, unironically, being “totally down with the youth”. 2. If this sounds harsh it’s because it’s not strictly true. As progenitor of the trend, The Simpsons is naturally the most exempt - the mildest, introductory course. At most, it’s a 50/50 split between bitter and saccharine, and this probably, is what makes it superior to later copycats. 3. See also: Full House 4. Non-exhaustive list of bankruptcy storylines: Marge Gets A Job, Homer vs Patty & Selma, Homer’s Triple Bypass, Lisa’s Pony. 5. “Cast off the shackles of our male oppressors” (Marge on the Lam), “The things she says are horribly sexist!” (Lisa vs Malibu Stacey) 10 profile Sleek Geek Melissa Chow interviews Dr Karl.

ast Tuesday night, the much loved duo from whooping cough, a baby [dead] from we now know it’s both neonicotinoids who cannot. And separately there is some Dr Karl and Adam Spencer of Sleek whooping cough. And I thought I could and climate change reducing their range. people who can detect that odour and LGeeks graced Manning Bar with a night of do more good for society by going into the Zoonotic diseases, diseases which jump some people who cannot. With regard to raw data: unplugged and unplanned to a media. So do I see myself as a scientist no, from animals to humans, will come and [your friend], there must be some sort of crowd of scientifically inclined individuals I see myself as a communicator trying to get us at some stage. In late 2008-09, I chemical that stops it from being broken and some not so scientifically inclined bring enlightenment. So for example in forget which, the reason why we did not down and carries through the kidneys. friends. It was basically a room of people America—40% do not accept the theory have that terrible bird influenza sweep the That’s interesting, that could be a nice who wanted to hear how science and of evolution, do not accept that carbon world—the Hong Kong government was paper that could win them an Ignoble mathematics could be used for stupidity dating works, do not accept the science of absolutely ruthless and in one night killed Prize, there’s some serious science there. or perhaps just a higher meaning I don’t climate change, 8% do not accept DNA every chicken in Hong Kong and that really understand. exists, 15% do not accept the efficacy of saved the world. The price is either dead HS: Is there anything they could eat to child vaccination, 25% do not accept chickens or dead humans. Pick one. So yes have their urine smell like peaches and Here are the things I gleaned from Dr that the earth goes around the sun. So we will find them coming, the problem is cream? Karl’s bright mind, asking the high brow I see myself as trying to be a source of vaccines take a while to make. That’s going questions I deemed all of USyd needed to enlightenment. to change though with the advent of 3D Dr Karl: We have found - I talk about this know exclusively. printers where we can print a vaccine in my next book—if you have strawberry HS: There’s been a lot of re-emerging rather than wait for 6 months—but that’s milk, if you’re a woman, the breast milk HS: You’re on Sleek Geek, you’re on radio— infectious disease to date, so there was still 5 to 10 years down the line. will smell like strawberries. There’s no do you see yourself more as a scientist or a Bird flu and Ebola recently. Do you have short answer, unexplored territory here communicator? any possible predictions for the next HS: My friend wants to know why when but yes there’s something going on. outbreak—a zoonotic kind or something they eat mocha buns, why their urine will Dr Karl: Communicator for the good. I from climate change? smell like the mocha flavouring? If you want more of Dr Karl and Adam at one stage used to be a medical doctor Spencer, they have a podcast under the title working at a kids’ hospital and as it turned Dr Karl: Yes, both. In regards to bees, Dr Karl: That’s interesting physiology. Sleek Geeks. They’ve also published several out, that was in retrospect the best job I ever we thought that the reason the beehives With regard to asparagus, the way that it books and will be popping back during had in my life. But because of people saying were vanishing were the so called CCD— works, there is some people who can turn National Science Week. For more content bad things about vaccinations, we end up colony collapse disorder. We thought this asparagus juice into something smelly that from this event, check honisoit.com with, after a 20 year gap, no babies [dying] was due to neonicotinoids [an insecticide], comes out in the urine and there is some

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11 arts & culture

Queen George George Maple comes home to Manning Bar, writes Alex Gillis.

eorge Maple has enjoyed the bloops for the discerning mid-noughties singer wormed into Australian radio and bandmate Touch Sensitive. The slick future peculiarly Australian musical ear comes over well to an intimate home blogs everywhere with her lead single, pop sound that she has taken ownership of Gfairytale. A young star is picked up by a audience. Recently signed, her second EP Talk Talk, and its simple production gives is as fulfilling live as on record and is only booming label and immediately moves is due to land this month with Mushroom plenty of room for an amazingly full voice compromised by a notably brief half hour overseas. Tonight, though, the Queen Music Publishing and will be undoubtedly that fills the vacant space. She has been set. Appropriately, we were left wanting is back—back to where the 24 year old well received. Woodes & Elkkle are each in demand as a session singer, featuring a touch more—all the more desiring of behind the project, Jessica Higgs, studied producers in their own right, touring on releases from label mate Flume and that album. Taking full advantage of her journalism. Back to where the Sydney an as yet unreleased collaborative EP. playing live with Flight Facilities, and label backing, the singer is recording in darling grew up and blew up. Recorded in a shipping container turned it is immediately apparent why. As any London between worldwide events. Her studio on an island farm, their combined queen should be, the artist is alternately exposure off only a short EP and at such The “first lady of Future Classic”—indeed sound drifts snowy vocals across trip hop- imperious and welcoming, dramatic and an age is a testament to the allure of that the only lady on the rapidly growing like percussion to create a lovely mess of direct. voice and her delicately wrought songs. A label—is joined by fellow Sydney student experimental downtempo. successful homecoming for a product of Gordi and Melbourne’s infuriatingly cool Playing songs from her only release, the both Sydney University and Sydney music Woodes & Elkkle. Gordi’s stunningly George Maple and her band appear to Vacant Space EP, together with a few scene, George Maple continues to hold earnest compositions and updated folk enthusiasm from a significantly unfairly new ones, George Maple is supremely (too few of ) us spellbound. stylings with synth strings, bleeps and under filled Manning house. The soul comfortable on stage, even without star

Courting Intellectual Elitism Without Ever Shagging it: SUDS’ “Art” Emma Balfour spent a lot of time thinking about a blank canvas.

asmina Reza’s play Art centres around it. Yvan does his best.” The painting The actors were able to navigate the self-analytical, and selfish, but they’re still three French dudebros/philosophers in question is white paint on a white pretentious subject matter with surprising heaps of fun to watch. whoY argue about the meaning of a background, supposedly costing Serge honesty. Max Baume’s portrayal of angry painting, which is a massive red flag for 200,000 francs. It definitely starts like a Marc hits every comedic beat—his The play escalates well, courting any production. Art that talks about art is preachy HSC production, squeezing in moments of silent fury were some of the intellectual elitism without ever shagging always dangerous because there is a 98% forced monologues about modern art, but funniest notes of the play. Timothy Ng’s it. I had a lot more fun than I thought I chance that the performance will be a the actors save it from being too stifling Serge, a bristling art collector, has just would, and that’s mainly down to the circlejerk ouroboros that sprays egotistic with comedic talking heads that allow the perfect mix of self-importance and bright performances. If you’re up for semen like Pollock. Happily, SUDS’s their characters to breathe. Director Jack earnestness. Jem Rowe provides a hopeful, important criticisms of modern art, visit performance of Art falls into the 2%. Mitchell’s focus on the moments and brittle medium between these two with the MCA. If you’re up for a laugh, see Art. feelings in the play rather than its subject Yvan, a nervous hand-wringing fool The plot is best summarised in the matter turned it from farcical drama to who is played like a child with divorcing programme: “Serge buys an expensive dramatic farce. parents. The characters all manage to hold contemporary painting. Marc can’t believe a tension between being self-important,

12 arts & culture

Mozart and the Violin Alex Downie went to see the Sydney Symphony Orchestra (SSO) and got beat up by an old lady.

sabelle Faust plays a 1704 Stradivarius iPhone—dimmed, on silent, sequestered violin nicknamed the Sleeping Beauty. in my lap—to take notes on the concert. IThe instrument earned its name because She loudly hissed that “this is VERY for many decades it lay dormant in a bank rude”, apparently unaware of the irony. vault, unrecognised and still held in its original violin case. The orchestra continued to play, and the energy of the concerto’s triumphant third Faust, who was the featured soloist in the movement was arguably only enhanced by SSO’s stunning Mozart and the Violin, the sheer terror I felt any time I heard a brought the instrument to life. She played program rustle behind me. the concert’s repertoire—Mozart’s fourth Violin Concerto and Rondo in B flat, The highlight of the night was the playful and Dvořák’s spirited Czech Suite—with Rondo, with a back-and-forth between vitality and enthusiasm. soloist and first violins showcasing Faust’s extraordinary virtuosity and sparkling Faust’s crystal tone and restrained vibrato sound. This was a success that could not were perfectly matched to the soaring even be ruined by the woman to my melodies of the opening concerto’s first left, who spent 15 minutes folding and movement, which concluded with an unfolding a single mintie wrapper. impressively virtuosic cadenza. The evening concluded with Dvořák’s The orchestra played without aSuite, a collection of folk dances. The conductor—instead, Faust directed them orchestra, aided by an expanded brass with expressive nods, glances and gestures. and woodwind section, achieved a This creative decision arguably backfired pleasantly full sound, with rich musical in the first two movements, with the climaxes. Particularly commendable was orchestra lagging behind the energetic the stunning, warm flute solo in the third Faust. At times, Faust’s vigour seemed movement. misplaced—in particular, the work’s slower second movement lost some of its The average audience member at the subtleties. concert was about 70 years old, a fact that made me concerned for and sad about the THWACK! SSO’s future. At its best, the orchestra can transport listeners to somewhere exquisite Midway through the second movement, and challenging, if only for an hour. And a middle aged lady sitting behind me it’s worth braving any and all moderately struck my back, as hard as she could, with abusive old ladies for. her concert program. I had been using my Art by Zita Walker.

A Hidden Gem: MUSE’s ‘A Man of No Importance’ Ben Clarke reviews an Australian first.

n the interval of MUSE’s current the costuming captured with ease. Despite Aidan Kane is perfectly cast as the story’s sister Lily. Alfie’s other friends are a production of A Man of No Importance being such a diverse cast in such a small protagonist, the vulnerable Alfie Byrne, constant joy to watch, even if their role I(adapted from Albert Finney’s 1994 film space, even the most minor characters who takes the play in unexpectedly in the narrative itself was minimal. The of the same name) I learned why I had have their moment, be it a stirring love emotional places. His unadmitted desire whole cast does a great job conveying the never heard of it before. Curtis Goding song, a brief river-dance or a snappy one- is to fulfil an unlikely romance and musical’s core themes of friendship and (director) and Doug Emery (musical liner, and they never distract from the escape the prospect of dying without community. director) are staging the show’s Australian main story. having truly lived, torn between his debut and they have found themselves a Catholic spirituality and the spectre of MUSE’s Australian-first makes for a hidden gem. The Irish accents aren’t perfect, and a word his inspiration, Oscar Wilde. Kane’s satisfying night out. For those who won’t is lost to the volume of the score here and performance sympathetically captures get the chance to see this sold-out run, I’m The show’s simple plot and colourful there, but it’s a musical about amateur the heartbreak, guilt and fear that Alfie hoping that we’ll see this little show crop characters are ideal for the intimate setting theatre. The meta factor of it all, constantly experiences as he looks for certainty in an up in Sydney again. It’s well-worth the of the likes of the King Street Theatre. The blurring the line between the streets of increasingly uncertain world. price of admission. script’s simplicity is backgrounded by an Dublin and the stage of the parish hall, effervescence that suits its 1960s Dublin makes the rough edges, cluttered staging Natasha Stanton nearly steals the show, setting; one that the cast, the score, and and low production values a key asset. selling every moment as Alfie’s protective 13 The Pre-Revue Revue Awards 2015 We look over this year’s revue program and....

14 USyd’s Plan to End the Arts Degree

Rebecca Wong offers a handy guide on what the university’s Strategic Plan means for you.

he University Sydney is in the which constitute a significant barrier process of developing its 2016- to students from disadvantaged 2020T strategic plan. It has so far backgrounds. The shift towards released two discussion papers that Master’s degrees lends credence to suggest radical changes to how the persistent rumours that the university is university delivers undergraduate looking to phase out Honours entirely. education and organises its research funding. Proposed initiatives include In a consultation survey conducted stretching the Arts degree to four years in March, students and staff ranked and dramatically reducing the number ‘fostering of teaching excellence’ first of degrees on offer. and second, respectitvely, out of eight proposed core components of the The most drastic change is the university’s strategic focus. When asked proposed introduction of a four-year to rate the university’s performance in Liberal Studies degree, in line with these areas, however, students ranked education systems in the US and parts fostering of teaching excellence second of East Asia. This would replace three last, and staff ranked it last. These year degrees such as Bachelors of Arts, findings are emblematic of a broader Commerce and Science. The underlying disconnect between the expectations rationale is to provide students with the of students and the goals of university opportunity to study a greater breadth management, with the unveiling of the of disciplines, as well as allowing them $385m charles Perkins Centre serving more leeway in exploring subject as the backdrop to protests by the areas before committing to a major. Education Action Group and National Additionally, a four-year degree would Tertiary Education Union over fee offer practical, skills-based units, deregulation and staff cuts. allowing students to undertake research projects and internships should they The university’s second discussion choose not to pursue Honours, which paper, focusing on research, proposes would be embedded in the fourth year significant changes to the allocation of of the degree. discretionary research funding between different disciplines. Citing a past The discussion paper also canvases tendency towards ‘breadth’ in research streamlining specialist degrees, over depth, the University is looking incorporating them as programs within to focus on a ‘number of selected a Liberal Studies degree. Earlier this [research] areas’. year, Vice Chancellor Michael Spence suggested that the University of Sydney The areas will be chosen based on four might seek to emulate the Melbourne Art by Alexandros Tsathas. criterion: the quality, social impact, model in this regard, potentially cutting reputational impact and resource cost the number of undergraduate degrees of potential research. Potential focus offered from 122 to a mere 20. The Spence also flagged the culturally Master’s combinations. This would areas mentioned by the report include sheer number of Arts degree variants entrenched predominance of “old, apply to entry-to-profession health issues and Aboriginal and Torres currently offered (INGS, BPES, BA/ white, male” professors and students qualifications such as Law, Education Strait Islander initiatives. While the Languages etc), each with its own as an issue which the university must and Project Management. The change report never explicitly excludes any inflated and seemingly arbitrary tackle over the next few years––one would see professional degrees faculties or disciplines from funding, ATAR cutoff, speaks to the university’s third of USyd’s undergraduate cohort undertaken after the completion of a it seems likely that academics in less obsession with courting elite students. are from schools which charge at broader Liberal Studies degree. The preeminent faculties––such as political Post-streamlining, it’s unclear how least $16,000 in fees. Despite this, the impact of this shift will largely depend economy––now face an additional the university will convince GPS boys discussion paper is light on suggestions on its implementation. It is unclear hurdle to accessing the funding. doing Arts degrees that they’re still for concrete initiatives to increase the whether entry to these degrees will be special, though the discussion paper proportion of USyd students from determined by ATAR, or performance does suggest the option of offering disadvantaged backgrounds. in a Bachelor’s or other tertiary degree. the four-year Liberal Studies degree as In the latter instance, vertical pathways an “elite program for high-achieving Another major proposed change is the may counteract the problem of high students”. replacement of double undergraduate ATAR cutoffs for entry-to-profession degrees with vertical Bachelor’s/ degrees such as Law and Engineering,

15 misc The Long Journey Home Natalie Bucket on exclusion.

grew up in Kurrajong, a suburb that time, two-thirds of Australian university appealing to those who live outside of it. Blacktown station to pick him up. sits west of the Hawkesbury River, on students live below the poverty line. Ultimately, students are often left with Ithe lower slopes of the Blue Mountains. According to Gerard Hill, the director of The insular nature of the Inner West a choice between (or some combination When I was younger and contemplating Raine & Horne Newtown, many students campus lifestyle is enough to repel of ) not drinking, leaving early, accepting my future, Sydney University seemed have had to turn to their parents to bridge students from the moment they take their reliance on the transportation of others or so far away. And the reality is, it was far the gap, while others have effectively been first walk down Eastern Avenue. James*, crashing on a friend’s couch. Planning a away: a 20-minute bus ride, an hour and priced out of the Inner West. who commutes from Wollongong, was night out is almost impossible when you 40 minute train ride, and a 15 minute walk “excited for university… until I realised are not only a new student with no friends away. Facing prices like these, thousands of that socialising and commuting don’t really to rely on, but are also faced with the students simply can’t afford to move out of go hand in hand.” Instead, his commute expectation to drink to make mates. I moved to Newtown so I could get home while studying. Instead, they make became a part of his university identity. the ‘Sydney Uni experience’—after- exhausting commutes to class every day, “You start off okay, making friends in Not every commuter wants to move closer class drinks, dinner with friends, parties waiting and changing between multiple tutorials, but then those friends ask you to to Sydney, and the campus lifestyle can provided simply with the purchase of an methods of transport, and relying on dinner, and even a dinner at six means you be exclusive on more levels than simply Access card—all anchored in the ease parents or friends to complete the journey won’t get home until well after dark.” geography. There will always be commuters of the Inner West. Today, it’s about five home. The tribulations of a journey that like Ellyce who can lead a vibrant social minutes to uni, two-and-a-half if I power already feels too long are only exacerbated The killer is in the details. Ellyce’s life even when campus isn’t a significant walk. by the dire state of public transport, and experience of commuting to university part of it, or Michael, who can prove the insecurity many of us experience when events from Kurrajong is riddled with commuters can be involved if they have I made the choice to move because I travelling alone. thoughts about “how long [you are there the right friends and make the necessary thought I had to. It’s only now, amidst for] and what time you will get home if you effort. But it is a striking, and wholly the exorbitant rent and the months that Yet, despite the substantial proportion of want to hang around” and the knowledge disappointing realisation, snailing along pass before I get back to my parents’ house students who travel great lengths to reach that “catching trains on your own at night with hundreds of others up the Redfern and its fully stocked fridge, that I realise it, there seems surprisingly little effort to is never a pleasant experience.” Choosing path, that a university with so much for many this choice doesn’t exist. More make campus welcoming when they do. to stay out and bearing the long journey funding for clubs and societies, so many importantly, it shouldn’t have to. Posters and pamphlets sell the parties at home is not consequence-free either, with opportunities for student involvement, Manning, faculty dinners in Newtown, or Michael’s carefree night at OWeek pierced sees so many rushing home with little The average cost of a bedroom in the night events in the East. A campus that by reality that he missed his last train home chance, and even less incentive, to enjoy Inner West has risen to $350 per week, shapes itself around a trendy Inner West after the opening party, forcing his parents it all. from $225 five years ago. At the same image can only naturally become less to drive half an hour from Glenbrook to * Name has been changed.

16 misc How To Do it Properly Steph Brown worked under covers.

n 2014 I spent a year working as a Step 1. Reconnaissance—or ‘casing the Step 2. Assembling your team: Step 4. Aftermath: receptionist at a Southeast Asian hostel, joint’: Ian experience that taught me innumerable Choosing a good team(mate) is crucial. Have you ever seen a heist movie that new life skills, such as how to treat tropical Casing the joint is a simple process of You need to be able to say “they totally ends with a long boring ebb into middle skin infections and how to placate the going into a room and thinking, “Could rocked my world, this was 100% a great age as the team grow old together on local authorities in the event of a noise I have sex here without injuring myself or idea”. In a pinch, “they filled the gaping their quiet suburban cul-de-sac, swapping complaint (spoiler alert: you bribe them). pissing someone off?” void of loneliness in my soul that would apple pie recipes and bickering over whose The most important lesson, however, was otherwise have been filled with a night of responsibility it is to paint their side of the the art of a good hostel shag. DO NOT UNDER ANY sad masturbating to porn on my iPhone in fence? No? Me neither. CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE SEX IN the communal toilets” will do. The ideal hostel hookup is like a casino YOUR DORM ROOM. There is no So when you run into each other in heist movie. It should be a) well planned, more jarring reminder of how alone you Step 3. Pulling off the heist: a state of deathly hangover the next b) thrilling and c) end with you and are than another person having ball slappy morning, clutching your complimentary George Clooney thoughtfully smoking sex in the bunk below you while you spoon Use protection. Try not to break anything orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, cigars in front of a fountain before going your doona and remember all the reasons or get caught. remember that Oceans 12 and 13 were your separate ways. why your ex dumped you. nowhere near as good and move on. Skip the country for fairer climes. Uber and the Law Andrew Bell is not providing anyone with legal advice, but will accept money for it anyway.

hat exactly does Uber owe to a construction company might bring drivers? At the moment, no one in third parties to complete specialised reallyW knows; Uber has become the new sections of work. frontier in the age-old battle for employee rights. Furthermore, each Uber doesn’t allocate a particular job to a particular driver. People A recent Californian case of Uber v identify their location and destination via IN A PICKLE? Berwick decided that drivers for Uber the app, and it is up to each individual are employees rather than independent driver to make the connection, or so Uber contractors. The decision has huge claims. implications for who the buck stops with when something goes wrong during an Drivers also provide their own cars—a Uber journey. substantial cost and a central part of the whole enterprise (arguably of at least Uber’s contention was that drivers are equivalent importance to the app itself ). independent contractors, and so are responsible for their own affairs. The Uber doesn’t train its drivers, and the fact that it was decided that drivers are minimum requirements of licensing and Criminal Charges employees means the buck quite literally insurance are not really any more onerous stops with the company. This is a million than the rules you have to follow to drive dollar question for the company: the next on the roads in the first place. The only real time a driver crashes in California, it’ll be difference is that you can’t have a car older Motor Vehicle Accidents Uber’s insurance policy that’s pulled into than one made in 2006. Thus, Uber claims, Fines use. the drivers are selling their own skilled labour direct to the consumer. Insurance How a court comes to classify workers as Debts one or the other is anything but precise. Further complicating matters, The emphasis is on the ‘totality’ of the classification for one purpose (i.e. relationship. insurance) in Australia doesn’t necessarily Immigration ...and more line up with classification in other areas. It Interestingly, were the case to be heard is possible that drivers would be considered in Australia (as it inevitably will be), independent contractors for tax purposes If You Have a Legal Problem, there are several reasons our courts would but employees for the purpose of unfair probably decide the other way. This is dismissal. The reality is it is unlikely the We Can Help for FREE! because, as Uber describes in its legal question will end up neatly squared away, publications, ‘The Service...enables users... and the law remains ill-suited for the We have a solicitor to arrange and schedule transportation complexities of the sharing economy. But 法律諮詢 who speaks Cantonese, 法律アドバイス Mandarin & Japanese and/or logistics services with third in any case, it’ll probably be the drivers, Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ party providers’. So while your initial with little power against Uber’s corporate e: solicitor @ src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney engagement is technically with Uber itself, might, who end up slipping through the ACN 146 653 143 | MARN 1276171 it contracts out almost all of the work to regulatory cracks. a third party driver, in the same way that 17 Gronkwatch: Shitstirring the Pot

Peter Walsh thinks he’s better than hacks (he isn’t).

forward a candidate since Sam Farrell in factions are refusing to attend any meeting This marks the third consecutive SRC 2012 and can’t really be said to exist), or so long as the electoral reforms are being meeting to be inquorate, those absent from SALT, then it seems like the SRC election proposed. August’s meeting are listed as follows: has been stitched up a month in advance. This would mark the first time in living (Remember, for the first time in a while, Absent w/ apologies: Christopher memory that all major campus political a group that isn’t the ALP control the Donovan (Unity), Michael Elliot (Unity), factions have simply dealt for positions. SRC). Sarah Enderby (Unity), Fiona Lieu (Cumbo Represent), He Lu (Switch), As for SALT, Honi is as of yet unsure what Honi Soit spent a lot of time rummaging Julie Pham (Cumbo Represent), Phillippa they’re planning for this election. Last year, through the garbage outside dumpling Specker (Grassroots), Harry Stratton they aligned themselves with Amy Knox; restaurants on Sussex St to bring you (SLS), Jack Whitney (NLS). while the year previously they were allied this lukewarm take. An anonymous with Grassroots. It appears this time around, source suggested that the Labor bloc’s No apologies: Sean Nugent (Unity), Quick! Presidential news! Stop they were squeezed out of the lucrative deal. opposition to the election reforms Jesse Seton (Unity), Chris Warren the presses! Sorry, I meant that (which, as mentioned last Gronkwatch, (SLS), Blythe Worthy (Grassroots), Arin idiomatically… does it take long to start At least we have a newspaper election to would limit the number of campaigners Harman (SLS). them up again? look forward to… Oh. to a voter and shorten the election period) comes from an ingrained belief that they’ll Light at the End of the Tunnel While Honi Soit last reported an SLS- As for the Honi Soit race, we can confirm a always have the numbers and resources to NLS Presidential contest in the upcoming ticket has been formed by Sam Langford overpower other groups on the trail. In a small glimmer of hope in the world SRC election, we now understand that a and Mary Ward (who both edit the BULL of stupol several big-name hacks are deal has been reached between SLS, NLS, and report for Honi). They are joined by That said, however, Robby Magyar trotting off to help out Bernie Sanders, Grassroots, and Labor Unity that will see Max Hall (General Secretary of the SRC), claims Unity’s absence has been halfway the Democratic Presidential nominee all four factions supporting NLS candidate Naaman Zhou, and Andrew Bell, all of between political disagreement and poor that won’t be. Among them are the SRC’s Chloe Smith. Robby Magyar (Unity) was whom report for Honi. They are yet to timing. Magyar said the last three SRC Vice President, Daniel Ergas, who will be unable to speak directly on the contents commit to a manager, however also denied meetings coincided with Unity events, working as a field organiser for Sanders. of the deal; however, he did say that each that they would be pursuing any informal forcing those councilors to be absent, Ergas seems to have developed a penchant of the four groups would get a significant preference deals, claiming their interests as while also saying that Unity’s concerns for noble projects that are doomed to fail, portion of the SRC, with an aim towards a team would preclude such pragmatism. with the regulations are on how they he recently ran against 24 year incumbent working cooperatively together. Honi understands that the team is yet to affect democracy. Nevertheless, Magyar Bruce Ross for the SUSF Presidency. fill up, but could not confirm any other said that he would love to meet with the An unnamed source was able to be associated names. writers of the regulations and see if a Ergas will be joined by Oliver Plunkett, slightly more discursive. According to compromise can be met that allows work who was until now tipped as a potential them, SLS would be getting a spot on As for another ticket, we’re as of yet to continue. SLS nominee for the SRC Presidency. exec and complete control of the Labor unsure. Robby Magyar denied that there He’s not the only one though, Young Club on campus—which would allow would be a Unity sponsored Honi ticket, That said, it’s embarrassing to see this kind Labor Left have arranged to send a troupe them all positions in the club, a significant and it doesn’t seem like there is any need of gloating when elected councillors give of campaigners to help out Sanders. Let’s recruiting base. The source continued to for one considering how the election up their time to attend meetings which be honest, they’re probably eager for a goal suggest that Unity would be receiving the is shaping up. While some players in can’t even get off the ground (sorry about that is less unlikely than left wing reform position of General Secretary, which they the SRC race have suggested a possible the quality, someone deleted their tweet): of the Labor party. would not split as in previous years. As ticket from the Conservative Right, for Grassroots, Education Officer Blythe we’re unable to confirm that at this time. Worthy was similarly unable to comment Kerrod Gream, who unsuccessfully ran on the specifics of the deal; however, she for Union Board this year and was a part did suggest that Grassroots would not of last year’s disbanded SWAG for Honi be looking for NUS delegate positions (a ticket, said it was unlikely that he would known interest of Unity’s) and will instead run again—though if a ticket does form pursue positions on campus. from this base expect him to be involved.

Presuming no serious opposition from The Most Beautiful Word In The the Liberals (who last year filled in their English Language Is ‘17’. nomination forms incorrectly resulting in the majority of their candidates being 17 is also the number of councilors disqualified) or Indies (who supported required to make an SRC meeting Grassroots last year, but have not put quorate. Word has it the Labor-affiliated

18 Image taken from page 103 of ‘The Calton Ballads’. Courtesy of the British Library. src caseworker help

Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Help for Students with a SRC Elections 2015 Disability & Student Carers Postal Voting Application Form

POSTAL VOTING Did you know the university has a Darlington Campus. Allow plenty of time service to assist students with a disability for them to get in contact with you. If you wish to vote in the 2015 SRC elections but are unable to to access reasonable adjustments in vote EITHER on polling days Wednesday 23rd or Thursday 24th Do you need special consideration? September at any of the advertised locations, OR on pre-polling managing their studies? Special consideration is different to a day (on main campus) Tuesday 22nd September, then you may Disability Services supports students with disability plan. If you are not able to apply for a postal vote. a disability whether physical, sensory, complete an assessment due to your intellectual or psychological. This may be Fill in this form and send it to: disability, this should be accommodated a permanent or temporary condition (eg, Electoral Officer by your disability plan. If you are not broken leg). If you find that your health is Sydney University Students’ Representative Council able to complete an assessment due to an causing problems with your studies in an PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. unexpected exacerbation of an existing on-going way or that you are repeatedly condition, or an illness or misadventure applying for Special Consideration for your Please note: postal vote applications MUST BE RECEIVED AND that has nothing to do with your disability condition, Disability Services may be able IN OUR PO BOX by Friday 21st of August at 4.30pm or they will you are able to ask for special consideration. not be considered. No exceptions. to help you. Check out their website to As with all Special Consideration requests, see if you are eligible and how to register: make sure you get a specific additional You may use a photocopy of this form. http://sydney.edu.au/study/ Professional Practitioner’s Certificate on academic-support/disability-support.html Name of applicant: the day of your assessment to show how Disability Services are located within severely affected you were, and how you Student card number: Student Support Services - Level 5, Jane were affected, eg, unable to do exam or Foss Russell Building (G02), City Rd, attend a lab. Faculty/year: Phone number: ( ) Ask Abe Email: SRC Caseworker HELP Q&A Mobile:

I hereby apply for a postal vote for the 2015 SRC elections. I declare Dear Abe, more about this, but with these buildings that I am unable to attend a polling booth on any of the polling just opened we hope that something will I am currently staying with my girlfriend days, OR on the pre-polling day, for the following reason: be put in place in time for next semester. It in her parents’ house. Her parents are re- (please be specific. Vague or facetious reasons will not be accepted. the electoral is a campaign the SRC has been running officer must under section 20(a) of the election Regulation consider that the stated ally lovely, but I think it is causing a strain for many years now. Some colleges also reason justifies the issuing of a postal vote.) on all of our relationships. I moved out of offer scholarships, so it would be worth- my house because things were really aw- while checking with them too. With over ful there. Do you know if there is cheap 51,000 students the only low rent accom- housing available through the university? modation available are the 38 beds offered Strained at STUCCO. This is the student housing co-operative situated in Newtown.

Dear Strained, Relatively cheap rented properties can be found in the private market. Usually these I am sorry to hear that things are awful Signature: places are of a very low standard, with less in your home. If it is because of physical, than reputable landlords, so exercise cau- emotional or sexual violence you may be Please send voting papers to the following address: tion, and get receipts for any payments eligible for Youth Allowance (Unreason- you make. able To Live At Home). Alternatively if you are over 22 years you would also be In terms of emergency or temporary hous- State: Postcode: considered “independent”. Hopefully ing while you’re trying to get somewhere that will help a little with your finances. permanent to stay you can talk to an SRC I require a copy of the election edition of Honi Soit: YES / NO caseworker for some ideas. This way you The University had plans of providing can preserve your relationship with your some scholarships for accommodation girlfriend and her parents. For more information contact through their newest buildings, Queen Paulene Graham, Electoral Officer Mary in Newtown and the Abercrombie, Abe 02 9660 5222 in Darlington. We have not heard any

Abe is the SRC’s welfare dog. This column offers students the opportunity to ask questions on anything. This can be as personal as a question on a Centrelink payment or as general Authorised by P. Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2015. as the state of the world. Send your questions to [email protected] Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au 19 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors.

Queer Action Collective Report

Josh Han

fter a huge week during the coming months. We have also invited student interested in being a part of homelessness. July break in Canberra at Queer one of the facilitators of a workshop to the consultative group, please do not CollaborationsA (QC), an annual national come to Sydney to present a fantastic hesitate to contact one of the queer Finally, I would like to remind any queer students’ conference, Sydney workshop on violence prevention. There officers (myself or Jay). student who is queer identifying (i.e. Uni’s Queer Action Collective (QuAC) is a possibility this may be a joint event not ‘straight’) or questioning their sexual delegates have returned this semester along with Wom*n’s collective (though Around this time last year, we and/or gender identity that they are enthused and ready for a semester of there may be two separate workshops). successfully provided a ‘breakfast bar’ warmly welcome to our meetings at 1pm queer activism and knowledge/skill (take that, USU!). This was to address on Mondays in the Queerspace. We are sharing with the rest of the collective After contact with the university’s Ally student poverty and to provide free an autonomous collective to queer and and queer community. During QC, Network, we have opened up channels food for students in the queerspace. We questioning students and we endeavour discussions and coordination of a national of communication so that there will will be starting this up again very soon to provide a safer space and to make campaign on Queer youth homelessness be much needed student consultation as it is a very important direct action the university and greater society safer begun and this is something that QuAC for this initiative of the university addressing needs of queer students, who space as well. The queer officers can be as well as other queer collectives and that is supposed to support queer are often disproportionately affected contacted at [email protected]. student groups will be working on in the students. If you are a queer-identifying by issues such as student poverty and edu.au

Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Notice of 2015 Students’ Representative Council Annual Election

Nominations for the Students’ Representative Council Annual Nomination forms can be downloaded from the SRC website: Elections for the year 2015 close at 4pm on Wednesday the www.src.usyd.edu.au, or picked up from SRC front office 19th of August 2015. Polling will be held on the 23rd and 24th (Level 1, Wentworth Building) from 4pm July 29th 2015. of September 2015. Pre-polling will also take place outside the Nominations must also be lodged online along with your policy SRC offices (Level 1, Wentworth Building) on Tuesday the 22nd statement and Curriculum Vitae (optional), by close of nominations of September 2015 from 10am–3pm. All students who are duly at: www.src.usyd.edu.au. For more information call 9660 5222. enrolled for attendance at lectures are eligible to vote. Members of the student body who have paid their nomination fee to Council are Signed nomination forms and a printed copy of your online eligible to nominate and be nominated, except National Union of nomination must be received no later than 4pm on Wednesday Students national office bearers. Full-time officebearers of the SRC 19th August, either at the SRC front office (Level 1, Wentworth may also nominate as NUS delegates. Building), OR at the following postal address: PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. Nominations are called for the following elections/positions and open on the 29th July 2015 at 4pm: Nominations which have not been delivered (printed, signed, hardcopy) either to the Electoral Officer at the SRC front office or to (a) The election of the Representatives to the 88th SRC the post office box shown above and submitted online by the close (33 positions) of nominations will not be accepted regardless of when they were (b) The election of the President of the 88th SRC posted or received. (c) The election of the Editor(s) of Honi Soit for the 88th SRC The regulations of the SRC relating to elections are available online at www.src.usyd.edu.au or from the SRC front office, (d) The election of National Union of Students delegates for (Level 1, Wentworth Building). the 88th SRC (7 positions)

Authorised by P. Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2015. Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au

20 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors. Disabilities & Carers Officers’ Report Samuel Brewer

isability awareness week is coming up There’s something insufferable that comes So what we’re trying to do is create a personality. We are influenced by the things in September. The thing that’s always up whenever I watch a disability awareness campaign that denies this concept, that around us both good and bad. Don’t feel Dhard for people to realise is that there are so ad. It’ll be geared towards making the also denies the notion that people with as though you owe us something because many disabilities out there. Be very aware viewer feeling sympathy. Sympathy is disabilities are often humble, and grateful we’re disadvantaged. We are who we are. and very careful, as you’ll find more often patronising, it’s basically saying “I have no to be where they are. To put it bluntly then not that people suffer from a range of idea what you’re going through but from disabled people can be both good and bad, For anyone that wants to help with this impairments that aren’t visible. where I’m standing it looks horrible.” our personalities differ just like everyone campaign please contact me through the else. Our disability doesn’t match our SRC offices. Autonomous Collective Against Racism Eden Caceda, Deeba Binaei, Kavyá Kalutantiri and Lamisse Hamouda

ey everyone! autonomy for people from minority together a PoC Poetry Slam Feature position. It is essential that we continue ethnocultural backgrounds along with the Night for Verge Festival in October; some to enshrine self-representation within HYour Ethnic Affairs Officers here. We’re resource-platform at an launch even at the amazing guests are being organised so keep our instutions for people from minority pretty excited about semester 2; we’ve end of September. Eden is working with an eye out for announcements. As term ethnocultural backgrounds, indigenous got heaps of stuff in the works and ready one half of the dynamic duo of the Wom”*ns two draws to a close, we’ll be looking for peoples and people of colour. We also for launch around the end of September Office, Xioran, to pull together the first some more amazing people of colour to decieded that this semester we’ll test run and into October. Kavya is spearheading ACAR revue. If you want to get involved, take over and keep this momentum going. be holding meetings monthly, along with a orgainising a joint campaign and resource- please let us know! We need writers, We’re currently working on changing the catered lunch/dinner, so please keep an eye sharing platform with UNSW. Yay for producers, performers, singers, actors - you name of ‘Ethnic Affairs’ to ‘Ethnocultural for announcements. Until next time! cross-institutional collaborations! We’ll name it! We’ll be holding our revue at the Department’ - we’re hoping the change in be launching the campaign for awareness amazing Red Rattler at the end of October! name will reflect the autonomy and self- of the importance of representation and Meanwhile, Lamisse is working on pulling representation we’ve sought to bring to this Sexual Harassment Officers’ Report Monique Newberry

feel like I am always talking about were a few butt grabbers on the dance floor. I consent, then it is a conversation we need to There will be lots of activities around consent, consent. I went to my first uni party was minding my own business, dancing with keep having. over and over and over again, and other areas of sex that many people are Iduring O-week and wound up in a discussion my friends when suddenly….. unsolicited until everybody begins to get the idea. just too embarrassed to ask questions about. about consent an hour in. butt grab. So lets keep that conversation going. When I was at Radical Sex and Consent This isn’t because I am short on conversation And while this may not seem like much, it’s Day last year, I overheard a few people If you have experienced any sexual harassment topics, or a one track record, but I am really infuriating when everywhere I turn commenting on how unnecessary it was, but or assault on campus and you are looking for constantly reminded of why consent needs to people tell me we don’t need to keep pushing I heard more saying they were excited about avenues of support or people to talk to, our be discussed more. to keep consent in the conversation. Because what they had learnt. email is: we do. If at the first uni party of the semester So I guess you can say I am even more excited [email protected] It was on my mind at that party because there people are grabbing others without their about Radical Sex and Consent Week this year. Education Officers’ Report

Blythe Worthy and David Shakes

s it’s the week before the week before staff cuts, as they’re a “necessary part of transfer to other universities. workloads will increase. You can’t cut courses our National Day of Action (NDA), progression”. and keep employing those that organise and duringA which thousands of students will be 3. International students are going to run them. rallying at universities around the country Now the restructure that we were supposed continue to be preyed upon to pay domestic in protest against the reforms proposed by to be talking about has a few strategic points student’s fees, even though Spence argues 5. Admin and pharmacy staff are already our government, I suppose I’d better talk I’ll elaborate on now: the strategic plan will encourage “cultural feeling the sting THIS IS ALREADY about that. Except there’s more. competency”. HAPPENING, IT HAS ALREADY 1. Degrees are going to go down in number BEGUN. What our Vice Chancellor and Principal, and up in cost. This is because the degrees 4. HEAPS of staff are going to lose their Michael Spence wants to do to our university that don’t get cut will be so generic you’ll jobs in a ‘spill and fill’ strategy, meaning We’re having an NDA to fight these cuts is disgusting. During our last consultative have to do a specialised post grad course, they’ll have to reapply for their jobs, usually to education, so please join us on the 19th session with Spence, he repeatedly danced which are pretty much already deregulated. at a lower wage and conditions. They’ll be of August at 1pm on the Law Lawns. Help around the idea of staff cuts, accusing us of 2. You’ll therefore be studying longer (no overworked if they’re ‘lucky’ enough to Defend your degrees! not being “for change” if we were against more 3 year degrees) and it’ll be harder to be rehired and as fewer will be employed, 21 supra

This page belongs to the officebearers of SUPRA.

It is not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors.

Course Cuts, Deregulation and Postgrads

Kane Hardy

UPRA stood in solidarity with the Not only is this completely unfair for our squeeze funds out of more postgraduate off. And you want to not only see fees Sydney University branch of the staff, but it could also hurt the quality of students, rather than fighting for more skyrocket, but you want to see students SNational Tertiary Education Union our education here at Sydney University. government funding. studying for longer? Students are already on Wednesday 5th August against Staff teaching conditions are student terrified of the possibility of $100,000 the university management’s planned learning conditions. Let’s not forget that prior to the year degree, but imagine being forced into restructure. 2000 the Howard Government already multiple $100,000 degrees. This forces But the issue goes so much further than deregulated postgraduate course fees. low socio-economic status students away, There is a plan to cut 122 offered courses that. Undergraduate students will be forced Each year our university takes in more warping Australia’s education system into down to approximately 20. This will into a longer and less focussed education, and more postgraduate students, offering a privilege for the rich. seriously impact on both students and meaning that postgraduate enrolments relatively less and less Commonwealth staff at our university. Many staff members will skyrocket. Students will be forced Supported Places (CSPs). Postgraduate We must fight against the university are either being forced out of their jobs, to spend many more years at university students are often treated as much like management’s course cuts and the Abbott or being forced to re-apply for their jobs to tailor their education to a profession, cash cows as international students (God Government’s plans for fee deregulation. (some with lower pay or more demanding adding to already crippling levels of debt. help postgraduate international students). Over a decade of Liberal Party attacks job descriptions). There’s a clear neoliberal agenda here to on higher education was followed by Many postgraduate courses already charge billions of dollars worth of cuts to higher upwards of $45,000 per year for domestic education during the Gillard and Rudd students. I, for one, took a full fee-paying Governments. Neither the Liberal Party place in the Master of Pharmacy degree, nor the Labor Party are our friends when plunging me an extra $36,000-$40,000 it comes to higher education funding, worth of debt per year. Add this on top of but at least the Labor Party opposes fee my undergraduate degree and other loans deregulation. This is an issue that students and I’m left with approximately $115,000 must fight; we can’t rely on dirty politicians of debt when I’m done. This is honestly to have our interests at heart. one of the biggest regrets of my life. Education should be a right, not a privilege. Disgustingly, the Vice-Chancellor The only way to make our education Michael Spence told students who system fairer is to fight for free education; attended the last Students’ “Consultative” course restructuring and fee deregulation Committee meeting that postgraduate will only add to the unfairness that already students and international students are the exists. Free education already exists in targets of increased fees to fund the more Finland, Norway, Germany and Chile, expensive courses. Many postgraduate amongst other countries around the world. courses don’t actually require the funds It is achievable and it is necessary. provided by full fee-paying students – they’re in fact redistributed elsewhere. SUPRA encourages all postgraduate students to attend the National Day of Michael Spence’s solution? Deregulate all Action on the 19th of August staring at university course fees. No, Spence. This 1:00 p.m. on the Law Lawns. We oppose is not the answer. From the perspective the planned restructure and move to the of a student already bearing the brunt of Melbourne model. We understand that deregulated course fees, this is not the these changes are not beneficial to the answer. All evidence points to $100,000+ majority of students. We stand against the undergraduate degrees. I’m already facing staff cuts. decades of student debt, never knowing when I’ll finally afford to pay all of mine Stand with us in our fight. 22 supra

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It is not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors.

Join Your Union

Rafi Alam.

he rally against Spence’s degree This is why often at rallies you find clusters of fights of the past. Not joining your union This is why you should join SUPRA, your restructuring by the NTEU wasn’t one of people attempting to use direct action is freeloading. student union for postgraduate students, or ofT the biggest rallies I’ve seen recently, but in order to further the ‘power’ of the rally, the SRC if you’re an undergraduate who’s was particularly significant. This is because such as sitting down on roads, locking on Unions are also the best places to enact social gotten this far on the SUPRA pages. These it was a union rally, called by workers of to poles, or other more inventive tactics change. Unlike Government for the Rich, student organisations don’t just provide you this particular industry (the University). I have unfortunately not yet seen, like tyrannical corporations, and unaccountable with legal and administrative help, but also Community rallies are, of course, important jackhammering holes into roads and NGOs, trade unions (and your student organise as students to challenge university – without them we would have no progress planting flowers. But again, while I applaud union!) are democratic organisations that let policy. in marriage equality, we would see no these tactics and love engaging in them, they you use your power to force social progress. support or Indigenous people murdered in often lead to arrests nd can’t really round up It might be difficult, due to the nature of But more importantly, this is why you should custody, and we wouldn’t get the thousands the numbers you need. changing votes, but this is solid change, not support the NTEU, and join if you are an of people on the street showing solidarity arbitrary change. employee. By doing this, you are showing with embattled Palestine. This is why you have to join your union. Your your strength through the numbers of your union isn’t just a service provider that can Why does the union have so much better? comrades. The NTEU has shown that the But community rallies can only make it so offer you discounts or counselling – you are, Because, other than the threat of violence, successes of the union also better the lives of far. Their primary focus is often to show in essence, paying dues to join your comrades the only proven tactic to change society is students, undergrads and postgrads. the government of the day that there in the struggle for a better workplace and a withdrawal of labour or striking. This can is significant opposition to a policy or better world. You are putting your money shut down industries in a second; industry This is why it is imperative you turn up position they have taken. Another focus is where your mouth is, and, when it comes that not only your employer wants open but at the marches, and become an NTEU to include, mobilise, and radicalise members to picket lines, putting your body between also the government. By shutting Postgraduate Member as soon as you can. of the public to strengthen the movement. your employer and your job security, Ultimately though, these end up as attempts conditions, and wages. Unionism is also down or threatening to shut down these If you’d like more info, please don’t hesitate at lobbying and public relations - important, paying it forward – most of the things that industries, you show your adversary that to email [email protected] but against a stubborn government that is make work bearable, such as you wages, your together, in tens or hundreds or thousands, unable to really move things. weekend, and benefits, are the consequences have more power than the few at the top. High Society Whitey

You’re kidding yourself if you think it is only redneck Bogans booing Adam Goodes.

ick of hearing about the Adam Goodes issue? common ground because that’s what mates And the scariest thing about Terry is that Try being Indigenous. My past fortnight has do… until this time. he is smart enough to never to say his true Sbeen tangled up in the bramble of conversation that feelings in public. And that’s what terrifies this solitary fellow on a football pitch has been the If you find Terry’s text arresting, imagine me most. Not the rednecks, not the Reclaim focus of. what it did for me. It floored me. I can feel a Australia marches, the Andrew Bolts and not blood vessel popping out on my temple even even Tony Abbott’s lame attempt at Consti- I have to say though, the overwhelming majority writing this. I mean, this is a guy that I call/ tutional recognition (that not one indigenous of the people are cool about it; they’re apologetic, called a mate. It’s rattled me enough to re- person who I know wants to happen). supportive and sympathetic to this man who’s been consider a relationship with a person, who singled out and persecuted. On one level, it’s heart- without, it’s highly unlikely that I would be It’s the Terrys out there, and I’m willing to ening that more and more people are “getting it”; here to write this. bet there’s plenty of Terrys at this univer- on another, it’s opened a festering boil in Australian sity. Why? Well Terry went to Sydney Uni culture that badly needs lancing. Terry’s kind of language is dangerous com- for one (coincidentally enough, so did Tony ing from anyone, but the real danger here is Abbott). You might even know him. And I But a word of advice - don’t dismiss the naysayers that he is about as far away from the flan- simply feel it in my guts that Terry isn’t alone. as being rednecks or unsophisticated Bogans - be- nel-shirted Reclaim Australia bozo Brigade cause if you are, you are seriously mistaken. Because that you can get. He has impeccable man- And it chills me. Because having an enemy I, for one, stupidly was. ners, enunciates his words beautifully, went that you can face up to is one thing, but how to one of the best private schools on the do you deal with one that you don’t see? You Earlier this week I got the text that has led you Lower North Shore, was a national rowing know - the Terry’s. Until the decent people to read this far. It came from a “mate” – let’s call champion and ticks every posh box I know. can root them out and the Terry’s of the him Terry to protect his identity. I’ve known Terry world are shown for what they are, the path for half my life; to his credit he’s saved me from He owns thoroughbreds, has more cufflinks to any sort of Indigenous reconciliation is go- drowning not once but twice, and to my credit I than I have cutlery and if he wasn’t born ing to be long and rough. reckon I’ve saved him from killing himself once, so with a silver spoon in his mouth, the met- we owe each other. We come from different sides tle of his backbone came from having that Mike Butler of the fence - don’t agree on much, but usually find spoon inserted up his arse at birth. Indigenous Equity Officer 23 Cryptic

Bolton

Across Down 1. Incorporate clued-in disaster (7) 1. Info bottomless insects added for 5. Gun pocket lost her mix (7) toddlers (7) 9. Comedic grilling! (5) 2. Mushrooms, without nanogram, are 10. RiRi’s cover(s) (9) winners (9) 11. Pan back for sleep (3) 3. Absolute vocal expression (5) 12. Respond regarding tissue softness (5) 4. Supply men with model for gear (9) 13. Odd lion’s peer came last (5) 5. Even throw bib, aye, a pastime (5) 14. Hearing cut by blade (5) 6. Falsehood centre in belief (3) 16. Destroy a timeline! (9) 7. Without energy, elite backed ceramics 19. He sat, ate it, and then Ed waited (9) (5) 20. Bill and Melinda’s exits (5) 8. Book stockpile (7) 22. Saudis empty air muscles (5) 13. Fibbing downward (5) 24. Dashed and dashed cedar (5) 15. Courts fruits (5) 26. Neither collocative companion 17. Blinkers shows (9) sounded like a persistent nibble (3) 18. Take part in Ten dating arrangement 27. Explain mess pertinent Nairobi (9) swapped with Rome (9) 19. Hear I’ve struggled internally with 29. Sick Twiggy in a twig (5) increasing weight (7) 30. Performance the damaged article (7) 21. Walkouts bowled 10s (7) 31. Smell in the SES cleans up (7) 23. We left Atticus in room above (5) 24. 30 Rock’s Juror agrarian? (5) 25. Dance music split discourses (5) 28. Wretch rodent (3)

Join the Crossword Society from 1-3 outside Hermann’s Bar to solve the SMH and the Australian crosswords together (or just to berate Zplig).

Target Not Grouse: 10 Grouse: 15 Grouser: 22 Grousest: 30

U L U B O T I N F

Answers available online (really, we mean it) 24 Some nooks aren’t It’s hot and it’s cold worth checking I won’t sing the next line The Garter Press Issue XY IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WISH TO WHILE YOUR OWN MORTALITY? We will accept Drachmas

We sort out the best and Review: Amy Schumer Saved by Dashcam! worst anal rosary beads in an actual trainwreck! One Lucky Driver Catches all of for prolapsed catholics! page 27 Arthur Miller classic on video

I’m Not Just Along NEIL DEGRASSE New Jonathan Swift for the Ride: Correspondence Reveals Houyhnhnm A Guest Editorial TYSON BRAVES QUESTACON Name to be an Error From Donald This is very accessible and you will get it Trump’s Hairpiece FREE FALL Gulliver’s Travels, the classic satire from LET’S JUST DO THE GUILLOTINE AGAIN 1726, covers the titular character’s Editorial adventures through lands full of strangely named peoples – the tiny Lilliputians, giant Not many people can say that they have Brobdignagians, and the intelligent race of ridden with a tyrant. horses, the Houyhnhnms.

Hitler’s moustache, Pol Pot’s moustache, But in a letter newly unearthed from the Stalin’s horse, perhaps, but the head on papers of publisher Benjamin Motte, an which I rest is surely one of the worst to irate Swift complains of a typographical sit approximately six feet above the earth. error – the name was intended to be ‘Horses’. The archive also includes an I am so near his mouth that I can smell unfinished reply from the publisher, with his breakfast – no matter how many some ironically unpublishable comments meals he has had in the intervening time on Swift’s handwriting. – at all hours. He is a rancid man whose skin screams to dismount its skeleton. Swift’s unmistakable prose was employed A conservative banshee that is also a bit to full effect in the excoriating epistle. dumb. “Your printer has been so careless as to This is the image of Trump that people confound the simplest of demonyms, would have you buy into. It’s also an utter and suffer the reader to wonder at the lie. pronunciation and spelling of the simplest of words. I’m close to Donald. I know the man. It may seem strange for a hairpiece to take “Horses, Ben, they’re bloody horses.” an editorial stance on behalf of its wearer running for the candidacy in an election in another country. Maybe it would be stranger if I didn’t. Maybe I should stick IN THIS ISSUE: to domestic politics. I don’t know. A strange natural phenomenon renders all photos of the free fall in appallingly low resolution Room for Everyone in the But I do know that Trump has been Housing Bubble Now! wronged. He is a decent man, an Renowned popular scientist and director When asked how the Free Fall compared upstanding person of business, and of the Hayden Planetarium, Dr. Neil to the rest of his illustrious career, Tyson page 9 possesses a finer acumen than many in DeGrasse Tyson, wowed audiences in was quick to declare the attraction “the the field for the presidency. You mightn’t Canberra this morning as he dropped most impressive phenomenon in the Queer Safe Space Deemed agree with them, but he has convictions. from the top of the Questacon Free Fall, universe that he had ever witnessed and Unsafe Due to Asbestos You mightn’t like where he goes, but he’s without being even a little bit frightened. that would ever be witnessed.” straight to the point. It is absent from so page 17 many others and as a voter, and as his hair, At press time Tyson said that, despite his “Or it will be until I go down it again!” I respect that. trademark outward cool, he was “a little Tyson said, as he ran up the Free Fall stair NASA Unveils Sexy Space scared because it looks like such a long case like a child. While the rest of the man may be abroad, way to fall.” Suit for Lady Astronauts please accept this earnest appeal from Experts have said that, while a PhD. page 28 his hairpiece as a true testament of his “I have studied planets and galaxies for in physics may enrich the Free Fall character. decades. Their size is terrible and immense experience, it is not necessary to enjoy the Soul Fan Disappointed and impressive, but all of the distant Questacon staple. No matter how small, everyone should nebulae and their constituent stars, planets to Discover Cilla Black do their part. The race is a crowded one and other debris pale in comparison to “Be careful, Neil!” his parents shouted White, Dead this year. It may well come down to a that big scary drop at Questacon.” from the floor at press time. page 35 hairsbreadth. 25 The Garter Press HARD HITTING NEWS Global Experts Condemn African Americans Now Rise of Volunterrorism Just Inventing Decoy Not worse than Sydney Weekender

An international association of experts assistance and begin to help with Cultural Movements in terror and global fear and violence has destroying a school for girls, or killing a come together to co-sign a treaty that local sports team,” says Formby, “but these outlines the real threat posed by growing flying visits all take a lot of labour and for White People to numbers of volunterrorists. energy that the local branches of a lot of cells just can’t afford to expend.” The trend sees high school graduates, Appropriate many affluent and privately educated, Experts cite a lack of training and Perhaps I should make a “scrat” album? Hip? including tokenistic and inadequate commitment as the central threat to the periods of politically motivated violence communities that volunterrorists would On Wednesday, the Chicago branch already seeing successes. in their leisure time abroad. seek to destroy. of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People “We’ve heard reports of several boutique “A lot of people seem to think that “Real terrorist groups doing real evil (NAACP) announced a new program fashion brands releasing ‘scrat-influenced’ something like a glorified holiday is in the community are being forced to aimed at protecting the integrity and clothing lines, while Diplo has announced helpful,” says Darwin Formby, who accommodate the whirlwind whims of autonomy of black cultural movements. an imminent series of scrat remixes on authored the declaration, “spending a rich kids who are looking to get a kick his soundcloud page, in anticipation of week breezing through Syria persecuting and a CV line out of exterminating ethnic “White people have a demonstrable his nationwide ‘scrat king’ tour. We also Christians as part of your gap year just minorities and violent religious dogma,” tendency toward appropriating our have information that suggests Taylor isn’t the act of community service that a Formby says. musical genres, art movements, and Swift will be ‘scratting’ at this year’s MTV lot of young people are being told that it clothing styles. This is something that Video Music Awards.” is.” “These well intending kids are reducing happens regardless of their cultural the blood sweat and tears that people significance, or how ridiculous it makes “Online writers have also taken the “Many kids – and they are kids – are dedicate to violent extremism to a profile them look,” stated Terence French, bait. Salon.com has churned out four spending a few days with real terrorist picture.” the spokesperson for the Illinois based thinkpieces documenting the significance organisations who really need the chapter, in a press release. of the movement’s culture and history, while Fox has already declared it a in 1996, saying, "What I treasure the most. “In the past we have tried to communicate corruptor of the nation’s youth.” Beloved Baseballer His friendship has meant the world to me." our concerns to white people, but for Passes at 102 some reason we’re never really listened to.” The assocation has reports that a piece I was king of the sexy baseball diamond Those close to the improbably named of so-called scrat music will feature in Coach Pronoun, who guided Who and The association hopes that a new decoy an advertisement for Burger King’s new Who caught the public’s attention in the What through successive, successful World program may provide some solutions. “Florida Feed” in a bid for the key youth 1932 Baseball World Series, where he Series, say Who was bright and determined, The strategy sees African American demographic next week. debuted with the Redsox at age 19, and to the very end. artists collaborating to create fake cultural deftly negotiated the whims of public movements, distracting white people from “We estimate that within 12 to 24 months favour thereafter. “No matter Who or What came across was things like hip hop and the blues. scrat will be playing in Walmarts and scrat beyond them. Dad has incredible stories artists will appear among collaborators on Who is the last surviving member of his about their perseverence. Who will be At Wednesday’s press conference, French a new “Kidz Bop” album,” French said. generation of Redsox. His teammate and missed. revealed ‘scrat’, the Association’s first longterm friend What died in 2009 of heart decoy culture. The NAACP says the extraordinary disease. Who had his last public interview Who's family declined to comment. measure is necessary to preserve the “We’ve given it a history, its own autonomy of many meaningful cultural fictionalized pioneers and heroes, several movements emerging around the US. News in Pictures: clothing brands, a musical style, and most importantly, a dance.” “We’re glad to be seeing results now, but Local Community Pans for so much culture it’s too late. Who French mentioned although the campaign knows, if we had tried this 70 years ago, Whitewashed Stone Wall is already in its early stages, they are perhaps we would still have jazz.” You’ll Never Tragic Incident Believe What This in Family Home Pup Can Do! Down, Spot! Down! Jump, Spot! Jump! A Burwood grandfather of six is clinging A Burwood grandfather of six is clinging to life after his 8-month-old Border-Collie to life after his 8-month-old Border-Collie puppy leapt more than three times its own puppy leapt more than three times its own height to savagely maul his neck, jaw and height to savagely maul his neck, jaw and right ear. right ear.

More on page 15. More on page 15. 26 The Garter Press VERY VALUABLE OPINIONS

Breath Moments 10 Fucking Morons and Their With Amber Swamp Amy Schumer in an Stupid Dumb Opinions on: Actual Trainwreck Jon Stewart’s Farewell In this business, every so often, you come across someone “Who will be the white champion for people whose work really resonates with you. While it’s safe to “This is an excellent chance to reset The Daily of colour in America, now?” say I’m not the only one that feels this way, it’s no less a Show’s continuity, which has become bogged Emma Balfour, robot, 47 pleasure to come across someone like Amy Schumer in a down by twenty years of complicated story arcs.” horrible train wreck. Mary Ward, teacher, Infinity “I will not watch The Weekly. You can’t make me Trainwreck revolves around an eight carriage express do it. I will cut out my eyes.” service hitting a dangerous corner at a speed that would “We’re still going to have days though, right?” Peter Walsh, bad boy, 18 be fine on straights and well-maintained tracks. The Declan Maher, Sin, 666 protagonist (Amy Schumer) is one of around a hundred passengers, dead or injured after all eight carriages derail. “Now I’ll have to listen to my wife monologue. “I thought it was called the Jon Stewart Show.” She is a lecturer.” Moving with almost parabolic elegance, Schumer is Carly Ziller, grandmother, 76 Aidan Molins, tyrant, 37 powerful in the role of her career.

There are naysayers, I’m sure. Pundits behind the curve “I thought it was called the John Stewart Show.” “It’s so sad that they have to put him down.” who will cry things like “oh my God, this woman is dying,” Carly Ziller, grandmother, 76 Patrick Morrow, child, 6 and “please, somebody, call an ambulance,” but watching Amy Schumer in an actual trainwreck is inspired. “Golly!” “Did The Daily Show take place in the same Don’t mind the warnings. This is one for the whole family. Michael Richardson, dandy, 42 fictional universe as The O’Reilly Factor?” Catch it while you can! Ian Ferrington, idiot, 34

Am I the Only Person Left sounds, indeed looks, a little more like brains to the anklebiting progressivism a lady when ordering une palmiere. To that sees language stifled, expression in the MANaxy? be an agnostique is a noncommittal impaired, and prolixic, dextrous acts of The Only True Wisdom deference to the less sensible gender (one verbal defiance become thought crime notes no such feminine hesitance in un (cf. Hitchens, cfing. Orwell). With Dylon Stubbs libre-penseur (free-thinker!)!). I will take up arms and reclaim MANlipoli. There is a creeping tendency, beloved Something wrong. English is a beautiful, heady, spineless I will fight for the noble, proudly readers, in the modern dialect of which the tongue. Examine again that innocuous advancing memory of MANileo. We must untrained, or unsearching, or accustomed Perhaps it’s that most tender of prefixes’ list of words: we are smuggling gender MANvinize in the face of this flaccid, and lazy tongue might be unaware. proximity to the early batting order of through the prefixed (or front) door. effete threat. Better to die on one’s manly glaucoma? No, it’s something bigger and feet, than live in the gallows. For that is the Roll that most resplendent of human organs, more troubling that perturbs the purring, Dear readers, we forget the power with morbid gal-ternative should we not watch the mouth, over some of its otherwise mute Rolls Royce mind (cf. McEwen) of this which we imbue our words. In the same what we say. prey (words). Send the tongue trippingly interlocutor. It is something much, much way that an erudite monologue by a late, (that’s Nabokov, an atheist [eds double bigger. great, whiskey swilling orator might curb You can keep gallery, though. Galleries are check]) down some treats like gallows, and the ruder appetites of the day, so too for pansies. gallstones, and galley. Notice something The French had the laudable prescience might a thousand instances of these closet odd. Something soft. to gender their words. One knows one feminazistic utterances subtly regress our