Lesson 7 CW Board FINAL

Home , Better on the Other Side

Lesson Seven: Conscious Weddings Message Board Archived Posts on “What Does Marriage Mean Today?”

Table of Contents

Eight Things No One Tells You About Marriage .………………………. 3

The A Metaphor For Marriage …………………...... 4

Comfort From The Other Side …….....……………………………………... 6

Married and Happy …………………………………………………………. 11

Normal For Marriage ……………………………………………………….. 14

What is a Wife? ……………………………………………………………… 18

8 Things No One Tells You about Marriage Author Comment [ Le ChristmasBride2006 8 Things No One Tells You about Marriage - ad ] Posts: 1294 TAGS [EDIT]: None (10/20/08 09:02:09) Hi ladies, I ran across this article and thought it was a fantastic depiction of the realities of married life. All 8 points I've found are totally true!

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/no-one-tells- marriage

[ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 627 I remember seeing this article on MSN's website about this (10/20/08 09:48:15) time last year. Must be a time of year thing. I actually know

the one woman quoted in it... Andrea... and asked her about doing it. She laughed because that was when it was on MSN's site and she said more people have said things to her about it. It's a great article. Thanks for the reminder.

[ # APCP621 - 2 ] Posts: 91 Thanks Christmasbride for posting this article. I thought it (10/20/08 10:07:57) gave some good perspective!

A Metaphor Author Comment [ Le ThinkBee A Metaphor - ad ] Posts: 661 TAGS [EDIT]: None (01/15/08 12:26:53) So I went cross country skiing this weekend with my fiancé and his family (had a great time) and I couldn't help thinking that XC Skiing was a great metaphor for marriage-- and for life, for that matter.

Unlike going downhill, where you ride to the top and just glide down and get straight to the fun part (what most people have learned to expect out of life and relationships), in XC skiing you have some parts where you are going uphill (on skis...quite the workout!), mostly flat areas where you are just chugging along (it's a little boring, but you catch some good scenery) and then some exciting/scary downhill parts (often when you least expect them!).

And after a hard afternoon of working out in the cold, you get in the hot tub, maybe have a beer and a good meal, and it feels/tastes so much better it would have otherwise.

Sometimes it's hard, most of the time it's a bit boring, sometimes it's scary and sometimes it's exciting-- when you least expect it to be. And nothing good is easy, is a simpler way of putting it, I suppose

Skiing is GREAT for anxiety by the way. Especially on those scary parts...your mind can't focus on anything other than "I am not going to fall, I am not going to hit that tree!"

for those that already went down the aisle... Author Comment [ Le thinkerwritergal for those that already went down the aisle... - ad ] Posts: 10 TAGS [EDIT]: advice (02/23/09 20:25:32) To all of you marrieds who went through this anxiety and came out alive- maybe even stronger - any advice to share? tips? words of comfort? things you would do differently knowing what you now know? I just keep wondering what it's going to be like on the other side.. I know everyone's story is different, but for those that don't mind sharing, I'm all ears...

[ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 802 The first thing I needed to come to terms with after the (02/24/09 04:46:53) wedding... nothing changed, but things changed. Confusing?

Yeah, I know. But the bottom line is my relationship didn't really change... not the typical, daily ins and outs. But, things changed for me mentally as I shifted from "fiancé" to "wife." I say this to advise you not to think that immediately after the wedding, you'll feel different and "better." There's still a transition period... most of the women on here have come back and posted about it, whether right after their wedding or a few months after.

Give yourself time. Acceptance, in my opinion, is key. Accept yourself as someone who needs time to get through the transition. Accept that you and your husband/husband are flawed, and that's OK. Accept that life is mundane and boring most of the time, with periods of excitement and bliss thrown in just to keep it exciting (I'm talking day to day life). Accept that you need to make a conscious choice every day to love the person you married, even when he seems to "do nothing right" in a day (or week).

Time is a big thing. Don't set yourself to a timeline. When you feel yourself wondering "what if," focus on "what is." Also, I've heard many women on here come back and say "I wish my wedding day would've been like ____." I did this A LOT. I 6 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

got real down that my wedding could've been better or different or something. Hindsight is a dangerous thing sometimes. Don't let this get to you. If you feel down about things, feel it, but try to focus on what you loved about your day. Are there things I'd do differently about the specific day now than I did do a year and a half ago? You bet. But over all, I'm at peace with my wedding day. Pictures don't make me mad anymore. Going to other weddings doesn't make me wish I could do mine again so I could make things "better" anymore.

Just give yourself time. It's not an overnight, "I woke up the day after my wedding and my anxiety was gone." Some brides feel this way, but a lot of the women I've gotten to "know" on here have come back at some point after their wedding for encouragement about something... and that's OK!

[ # Topanga - 2 ] Posts: 199 I agree with BoS that the two basics are time and (02/24/09 06:18:27) acceptance. It's difficult when you're so scared and feel like

the world is on your shoulders to allow yourself to sit back and feel that way, but that really is the key to feeling better. As we've said on here before, the more you try to fight your feelings, the more you validate them and the more you think that some feelings are "right" and some feelings are "wrong", the more anxious you're going to get if you're not feeling one and feeling another. There is a very wide range of feelings that are acceptable to feel around a wedding and they range from happiness, to surrealness, to anger, to sadness, to depression, to anxiety, back to happiness. Whatever you feel during this transition is ok. It's important to remember that you're going through one of the biggest decisions/transitions you will ever make in your life and NATURALLY that evokes feelings of tension and fear. Don't assume that the fear means you're making a mistake--it means you're reacting to a huge decision the way any human does and you will emerge stronger and better for it.

difficult, oh yes, but when you do finally emerge on the other side, married to a partner who stood by you throughout all of the craziness, it's a bit easier to recognize the amazing transformation you went through. That doesn't mean you feel better right away. Like BoS said, it takes a little time to adjust to the transition of being married and to accept that as your new reality, but once that happens, you become keenly aware of the shift in your relationship. It's almost as if you can physically feel the bond deepening between you and your partner. The entire dynamic shifted between my husband and I... we feel closer, in a way that I simply can't describe. He feels more like an extension of myself than anything else; I'm constantly aware of the fact that he's half of this partnership and that I couldn't do this without him. After the wedding and subsequent anxiety passed, I was left with this indescribable appreciation for my husband and the amazing bond that the wedding created between us, that we continue to build day after day.

# ThinkBee [-] 3 Posts: 506 I agree with the others that acceptance is the number one (02/24/09 07:23:30) thing. If there was anything that delayed my progress in

"feeling like myself again," it was my lack of acceptance, hands down. Acceptance that my life wasn't a fairytale or even a typical romance-to-marriage story (though who knows anymore what is typical), that I couldn't get everything I wanted in life, that life was tough, that nothing is certain except death, that my wedding wasn't perfect, and most importantly, acceptance of all the thoughts and feelings and however long they lasted....acceptance of what was.

Maybe this is something that can only be learned and understood with time. Because there were a lot of times when I thought I had accepted things but I certainly had not, in retrospect. I still wanted desperately to be done with the anxiety. I took anti-anxiety medication to just "zap" it (no regrets about this at all, but I can just see that it was another sign of how I so desperately didn't want to feel those uncomfortable feelings). I was like you, needing reassurance that things would be better on the other side. I haven't totally 8 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

accepted things even now, 18 months after it all started, but I've come a long way. I'm calm and comfortable and happy. I had a lot of very intense good and bad feelings in the months following my wedding (which was a wonderful day!) and I'm kind of adjusting to not feeling these crazy highs and lows right now. More and more, it's becoming clear to me that I am the main source of my suffering and happiness, not my marriage, and certainly not my husband. So I'm finally free to take care of myself, which for me means dealing with my anxiety directly and no longer trying to relate it to marriage issues or deeper meanings. I accept that it's okay to feel anxious or depressed when I do, and I'm getting better at remembering that it always passes.

Basically...I'm the old me again, but I am a better me. I know myself better, I know what I want and like, I recognize my reactions better, I am a less selfish and more loving and compassionate person. I'm much more mature. I'm in love with my husband from a deeper, stabler, more peaceful place. And I certainly wouldn't have gotten to this point in such a short amount of time if intense suffering had not forced me to take action, so I'm very grateful for what I went through, extreme panic and all.

# APCP621 [-] 4 Posts: 133 Things for me are definitely better after the "I do's." That (02/24/09 16:41:56) doesn't mean that my anxious feelings disappeared over

night, but the agonizing about whether or not I was making the best possible choice, the "right" choice, was over because the choice had been made. The next step for me was as the other girls have said, acceptance. By this I don't mean settling for something less, but rather accepting my new life and accepting that marriage isn't a fairy tale and isn't going to look like it does on TV. I personally feel I made the first few months of my marriage harder than they needed to be because I kept comparing us to some unrealistic ideal I had dreamed up in my head. When I finally began to realize that we were ok just the way we were, then I began to feel more like myself and to really enjoy my wonderful marriage. We have now been married for 8 moths and I am extremely

content in my marriage. Sure sometimes I get irritated with my husband or I feel cranky, etc. but now I know that it is just part of life and I don't take it all so seriously. I know that things are constantly changing and that we are ok just as we are and knowing that makes all the difference for me. Now I hardly recognize that scared girl I was at the beginning of this transition.

# thinkerwritergal [-] 5 Posts: 13 Thanks so much for all of your comments. I really appreciate (02/24/09 17:18:12) your honesty and advice. It makes a lot of sense to me that \ there at least won't be the deliberating about whether or not I'm making the right or wrong choice, because the choice will be made. Also the fact that I will need to make a conscious decision every day to love the person I married, or reaffirm that love even when things get hard or I get up on my deliberation soapbox.

Anyway, thank you all again for your advice. I know I am definitely going to return to it as it gets closer, and when we do get married!

Married and happy Author Comment [ Le overanalyzingbride Married and happy - ad ] Posts: 121 TAGS [EDIT]: None (02/19/09 21:56:45) Hi, I wanted to come back and share some of my experience with engagement and marriage. I check in here fairly often, but don't have time to post much. I did want to come back on to write that I am married and surviving...even happy and not anxious!

Here's my story: We dated for about a year and a half (almost a year long distance) and I kind of knew I wanted to marry him from the beginning but tried not to go there. We got engaged Dec 2007 and married in October 2008. I went through a lot of anxiety (had my first two panic attacks in the first two weeks of engagement) and had quite a few breakdowns in the process. I second guessed everything about my fiancé. If he talked in a tone of voice I didn't like, I'd have anxiety and wonder if The One could be a guy that talked like that. If his friends did something weird or rude, I'd worry that my fiancé was that kind of guy. If he was too tight with money, I'd worry that we'd fight about money FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. I analyzed everything about him, wondered if he was cool/smart/cute/caring/religious/"my ideal guy" enough (even though they weren't things I cared about when we were dating.) I didn't understand what was going on with me or what had happened between dating and engagement. I couldn't pinpoint anything about him that was a deal-breaker. I wanted the fairy tale, to feel butterflies all of the time and deeply in love all of the time. I thought that anything less meant it wasn't "right."

With the help of a therapist and this board, I realized that my fears didn't have very much to do with him. Relationships terrified me. I come from a family with a lot of divorce, and getting married meant that I could now get divorced, which terrified me as well. My family gave me a lot of instructions on what kind of guy to marry (my fiancé met most of those standards, but it still wasn't enough to calm my nerves.) No 11 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

matter how I looked at it, there wasn't anything specifically about him that was a deal-breaker, a red flag, something that I couldn't live with, or that I could see realistically turning into a huge problem. I was mostly worried that I didn't feel in love with him much of the time. My biggest fear was that we would get married and then realize it was all wrong. My second biggest fear was if there was someone else out there that would make me so much happier.

We've been married now for over four months. The wedding day was so much fun, but I was really nervous. I wish that I was happier and not so worried. My anxiety didn't go away immediately, but has slowly faded. (Now I just worry about other things.) A turning point was a vacation with my family, and being so glad that my husband was now my immediate family. It is really great to be married, and to him. I am SO happy I didn't listen to my anxiety. All of the things I worried about haven't been as bad as I made them out to be. A lot of what I worried about hasn't happened and probably never will. If there is someone else out there...well, there could be, but I really don't know. I met my husband, fell in love with him and I'm not going to spend my life chasing a feeling and avoiding commitment. At the end of the day, our relationship hasn't changed a ton from dating to marriage. We deal with the same issues, but we are learning how to deal with them. We make each other laugh a lot. We are learning how to support each other and make the other happy. He's my best friend that I am also attracted to. I like our "team" and I am truly excited for our future together.

I think about our engagement now and can't figure out what I was so afraid of.

Last Edited By: overanalyzingbride 02/19/09 22:06:08. Edited 4 times. [ # Daisy - 1 ] Posts: 2 Thank you very much for showing us that happiness is (02/20/09 01:41:30) something close at hand! Sometimes all we should do is stop

other people's voices, avoid anti-marriage and anti-family rhetoric (alas fostered by films and books) and listen to our

souls.

# jo1983 [-] 2 Posts: 13 Thanks so much for posting, this is really comforting and (02/20/09 02:55:11) inspiring for all of us not quite there yet. You sound really

happy and good luck for your exciting future together! x

OK, and even "normal" for marriage Author Comment [ Le babyofsix OK, and even "normal" for marriage - ad ] Posts: 938 TAGS [EDIT]: None (01/14/08 11:59:44) Since I have a problem with the "should feel likes" or "should be likes" revolving around growing up and marriage, I thought maybe we could all collect a list of things we've learned that are OK and even normal in marriage. Things that society makes us think aren't. What do you all think?

I'll start.

- It's OK to not like your husband.

- It's OK, and even healthy, to want to be alone for a day or two.

- It's OK to not want to do every activity with your husband.

- It's OK to find other men attractive (just don't act on it).

- It's OK to feel nothing but love one minute, hatred the next, annoyance the next, ambivalence the next, back to love... etc. all in one hour, toward your husband.

- It's OK to want to be selfish sometimes.

- It's OK to do things and think about things in different ways. It doesn't mean one of you is right and one of you is wrong.

- IT'S OK TO GO TO BED ANGRY!!!

- It's OK to not want sex all the time (but giving in even when it's the last thing you want to do is OK too. ).

Those are just some that I thought of. Anyone find anything else that caught them off guard, but is really OK in the realm of marriage?

[ # ChristmasBride2006 Re: OK, and even "normal" for marriage - 1 ] Posts: 1355 Great list! Those were all definitely myths that I had about (01/14/08 12:11:48) marriage before I said the big "I do."

I can't think of many to add to your list, but here it goes...

- Everyone wonders at least once during marriage if they've made a mistake by marrying their spouse

- It's ok to argue, and even healthy to do so (this was big, considering I grew up with an example of parents that never fought with each other)

- It's ok to be different from other couples. Your relationship is unique and what is right for someone is not necessarily right for you, and vice versa

- It's ok not to want to have kids right away

- It's ok to still explore your own interests and desires as long as they jive with your spouse

[ # Unregistered(d) Normal.. - 2 ] Posts: 0 It helps tremendously... (01/18/08 12:54:08) I though I was going crazy...I have no one to talk about

this...I thought I was the only one...and have no answers about why I feel one way one minute and then my feelings change the next minute,...it drives me crazy!... Is that what you are saying...? I have been married 5 months....and sometimes I crave alone time...sometimes I treasure his company...and sometimes I just want alone time... sometimes I'm soo in love I could cry...and the next, I just want to flee and be single again even if for a day...not because I want to be with someone else...but because I miss my alone time... can you relate?

# babyofsix Re: Normal.. [-] 3 Posts: 938 OMG, Dixie, I can totally relate. I go through all of that in a (01/18/08 14:30:15) matter of an hour. And we've been married roughly the same

amount of time. The 28th will be 6 months for us.

I want to be near him, but I want to be alone, but I want him within arms reach, but not touching me. He makes me laugh, drives me crazy, makes me wonder what I'm doing, makes me wonder what I'd do without him. I can't imagine life without him, but I miss the carefreeness (is that a word) of being single.

I think it's all part of the transition. People go through it at different stages. I feel light years away from how I felt the week before my wedding (and the 3 years of my engagement). It's all part of growing up and accepting life for what it is.

Anyone else have lists?

# PirateJenny Re: Normal.. [-] 4 Posts: 259 BOS and dixiecup, I am exactly the same way. I can feel (01/19/08 20:24:38) blissfully in love with Bill, and crave my alone time, all within

the same hour! It's kind of mind boggling, but I've come to accept that these are the ways in which real life is different from the movies.

BOS, I thought about making up my own list when I first saw this post. But you and CB already covered everything that I would have said. Those are great lists! Particularly the "it's OK to go to bed angry." I have no idea where that myth originated, that you should never go to bed angry. In my experience, staying up late at night to attempt to resolve a disagreement only leads to more tears, more irrationality, and the fight taking way longer than it needs to because we're both tired! Not to mention the resentment that lasts the entire the next day when my eyes are red and puffy and I'm exhausted at work.

The only thing I would add, which relates to what you already said, is that it's OK for you and your spouse to have your own completely separate activities (in addition to things that you do together). I have a networking group that I go to, and Bill leads an alumni council that I'm not part of. Occasionally go to meetup groups that he has no interest in, and I'll go out with just my friends or he with his. And then there's our jobs: I'm glad we work in completely different occupations and settings. I love these separate activities. I think they actually make him more interesting to me, and vice versa. And they allow both of us to maintain an identity that's not tied to each other, which I think is extremely important in a marriage. If I were to lose myself to the relationship, then I wouldn't be the person Bill fell in love with, and vice versa. You know?

P.J.

What is a wife? Author Comment [ Le JustBreathe What is a wife? - ad ] Posts: 28 TAGS [EDIT]: None (05/07/08 15:59:31) I know for me that is a hard question to answer. My mother stopped being a wife when I was 6 and never went back to it. I see examples here and there that I could take from- sisters who are finally in solid marriages. But they aren't me. A "wife" definition must incorporate ME. I'll be the wife in THIS marriage. How do I fit my individuality into that role that at times feels like a mold? Are my ideas of "wife" aligned with the ideas I have of myself now? Which parts are or are not? I want to get married so I must therefore want to be a wife. I do. What does it mean for you?

[ # confusedofcourse what is a wife? - 1 ] Posts: 52 This is one I struggled with a lot. "wife," to me, sounds so (05/07/08 16:13:04) olllllllllld. and so boooooring. I barely can say fiancé

(boyfriend sounds so much cooler).

one of the things I struggle with re: the word "wife" is it made me feel like my exuberant -- and frankly, flirty -- personality, was going to die. like, I’d become a wife, and there would go my personality. bye bye. I talked with my fiancé about this, and it was one of the best conversations I ever had. his response was "why would you change the way you act around people? I trust you! be fun and flirty! that's you! I’m not marrying a nun." It was so great to feel so accepted, and to feel that "wife" means "me" -- but committed to another person. and I talked with my mother about this, and she agreed with my fiancé. she too is exuberant and fun, and never lost that when she married. I admire that my parents fell in love with each other's personalities and they KEPT the key elements of those personalities as they grew older (and they're about to have their 29th anniversary).

[ # babyofsix Great first question! - 2 ] Posts: 938 Man, did I struggle with this one. Still do at times. When I (05/07/08 16:25:01) thought of "wife" before I got married, I thought of a frumpy

woman with big glasses and frizzy short hair, who had "let herself go" and was overweight and wore really ugly clothing. I know, it sounds horrible written out, but that's what I thought. I'd be shopping at the stores that my mother liked, which nothing against my mom, but they're not "trendy." I'd have to cut my hair short. I'd gain weight after having kids. This is what I was afraid would happen to me as a "wife."

Several women on this board helped me over the past several months. Several pointed out over and over that "wife" is what *I* define it as. It's not what JustBreathe defines it as. It's not what Christmas Bride defines it as. For ME, "wife" is what *I* make it out to be. If I want to be a trendy, pretty, flirty wife, I can be... as long as the flirty part doesn't jeopardize my marriage. If I want to continue to shop at teen/junior stores, I can, as long as I don't look like I'm trying to be 15 anymore. If I want to be silly, I can be silly. It's up to ME (and my DH).

Another thing... I thought "wife" meant I needed to be able to cook well rounded meals and keep a spotlessly clean house daily, all while working and keeping up a social life. Know what? I'm not naturally domestic. DH knew this coming into this marriage. We're both neat people, but we have clutter. I don't cook a lot, but I have tried cooking several times since being married. He enjoys it when I cook a meal for him and he doesn't have to worry about it for himself.

My mother was a "do it all myself" wife. She did the laundry. She dusted. She vacuumed. She cooked. She did the dishes. I come from a blended family, so my older siblings did chores. By the time I got old enough, it was my parents, my brother, and myself. My mom just did it all. She never asked for help from me. She and my dad weren't in the best marriage during my teen years... they divorced my senior year of college. I never really saw her be a "wife." I saw her be a homemaker. I saw her cook the same meals over and over. I saw her keep

things neat, but not super spotlessly clean.

My MIL... cleans once a week, cooks homemade meals, is outwardly supportive of her children (and her children-in-law). So different from my mother. I was afraid DH expected me to live up to what I thought he thought his mother did (did that make sense)?

As for role models... I tend to look at TV/movies. My sister isn't happily married. My brother's wife is pretty amazing... so I hang out with them a lot. But, for fictional wives... Carrie Heffernan jumps to my mind (King of Queens). That relationship seems so real. Another one... Jill Taylor (Home Improvement). Her husband was a dolt, but she loved him and was a good wife.

There's my novel on this. Can you tell it was a biggie for me? Sorry for rambling. It felt good to type it all out though.

[ # consciousbride Re: Great first question! - 3 ] Posts: 255 Yes! This is what I'm talking about. This is such an important (05/07/08 17:08:21) question for almost every woman I talk to. Keep the

conversation going!

Sheryl

# ilovehim What being a wife means to me [-] 4 Posts: 197 The question of what is a wife initially brought on much of my (05/07/08 19:15:50) anxiety b/c my mother hated being a wife and was so vocal

about it. As a result, I literally thought being a wife would be a miserable experience and I would be a slave to my husband. Through journaling and therapy I realized that that was the type of wife she CHOSE to be and I will be the type of wife I WANT to be. If you think about it marriage is quite amazing - having someone to be by your side to face this big, bad world. Someone you can come home to everyday and share your joys and your fears. Someone to share the many joys and

sorrows of life with. To me, being a wife is being part of a wonderful partnership and doing everything in my power to make that partnership work. Being a wife is growing up realizing that it is no longer all about me anymore but at the same time realizing that it is ok when it is sometimes about me. Being a wife is opening up my heart and taking care of someone and having them taking care of me. Being a wife is letting go of my ego and truly showing my vulnerabilities to someone without fear that they will take advantage, instead it will bring us closer.

# consciousbride Re: What being a wife means to me [-] 5 Posts: 255 Yes - beautifully said. It's so important to be able to assess (05/07/08 20:31:46) our mother and decide how we wish to be different and where

we wish to emulate. The amazing thing about marriage today is that we are each the architects of our own marriage. There are no rules, scripts or blueprints that we have to follow. We decide what a wife means. We decide what a marriage means. It can be quite empowering and an endlessly creative and learning process.

Sheryl

# ThinkBee A Wife... [-] 6 Posts: 661 I agree with what has been said. Great stuff! This is one area (05/08/08 06:14:18) I'm still struggling with even though I've gotten married. I

spent a lot of time during my engagement talking about my husband, and not myself, so lo and behold, this issue remains!

I'd like to add that for me, becoming a wife is a major step in my transformation from a "girl" into a "woman." This was very scary, and still is, but today I am feeling very good about it. A wife is a woman, and to me a woman, as opposed to a girl, is strong, nurturing, compassionate and complex. Beautiful, not just pretty. Cherished, not just loved.

Women - and wives - can still be goofy and have fun! My husband and I are a very silly pair. We love toilet humor, calling each other goofy names in silly voices, watching kids

movies and cartoons

I am very lucky to have a mother that is a great role model as a wife. She was a very conscious bride as well, for the record! She is not the "traditional" housewife. She and my dad split the chores and cooking. She is independent, always spending time with her family and her many friends, has her own opinions and interests, many of which differ from my dad's. Her life is not all about my dad, but she loves him very much and makes time to do little things with him. They bicker. He annoys her A LOT and she is so good at ignoring it! She's funny and sarcastic. I think she has perfected the "eye roll" technique. Haha.

# WtgforClarity Re: A Wife... [-] 7 Posts: 0 Does anyone have any suggestions for getting over (changing) (05/08/08 12:12:54) negative associations to positive ones? I found myself

identifying with many of the negative associations of wife in Sheryl's checklist. Ugh!

# taraplum Re: A Wife... [-] 8 Posts: 66 I have mixed feelings about what it means to be a wife. On (05/08/08 13:26:58) the positive side, I see a wife as a caretaker and a partner.

Someone warm, tender, and secure in a solid relationship. I see her as an equal half of a partnership, as someone who relies on her husband just as her husband relies on her. But because of my mom, I also see a wife as someone who runs the house, cooks all the meals, hosts all the parties, takes care of the entire family (extended family included), runs errands -- all without a single complaint. As one of the other posters said, more of a homemaker than a wife. I think that's how I viewed my mom for most of my life.

And I think I've always expected that I would be the same way, even though I know there are many things about that homemaking role that I don't like. I don't really like cooking, I don't want to clean all the time and iron, I don't want to be the go-to person for everyone else's problems, all the time. I

don't want to be the martyr that I've seen my mom become.

The great thing is that I think my fiancé and I have a great partnership that can help me create my own definition of "wife." He likes to cook, I like to bake. I'm neater than he is, so I can straighten things up, but he's cleaner than I am, so he can wipe down the counters. The best thing is that he doesn't expect me to be everything or to be perfect at everything. I'm still scared about what it will be like to share a home with him and be each other's caretakers, but I think it will be okay.

# ilovehim Re: A Wife... [-] 9 Posts: 197 WtgforClarity , (05/08/08 13:31:08)

try this - write the negative associations down and expand upon them and how they would relate to you. hopefully this exercise will illustrate to you how irrational your negative associations are and that you will not become them!

# WtgforClarity Thanks! [-] 10 Posts: 0 For the suggestion, I will definitely try it! (05/08/08 14:01:37)

IAgirl A few more thoughts on "wife" Posts: 21 It's been a bit of a struggle for me to figure out exactly what (05/09/08 20:10:50) the word "wife" means to me and what kind of wife I want to

be. I feel like I'm starting to figure it out, but then realized I had no idea what kind of wife my fiancé expects me to be. So last night I asked him and started a really interesting discussion. For some aspects of our roles within the marriage, we're on the same page, but certainly not all. There are some key differences in our respective parents marriages that I think we've both internalized. I can't say we've got it all worked out, but it was certainly a good place to start.

Another thing I've been thinking about is that "wife" is not the only new role I'm taking on here. I'm also going to be a daughter-in-law and a sister-in-law. Those are both linked to being a wife, but I think they might be worth addressing 23 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com

separately. I've witnessed many good and bad in-law relationships and I really want to go into marriage with a clear idea of how I want to be in those roles. consciousbride Re: A few more thoughts on "wife" Posts: 255 Yes, that's exactly the kind of discussion that should take (05/09/08 20:34:11) place during an engagement: asking your partner what his

expectations are of you being his wife and you exploring your own expectations of both being a wife and him being your husband. It's amazing what's revealed from discussion, things that we might have assumed but needed to come out into the open. This is such a key discussion toward making all aspects of this transition conscious. Great job!

Sheryl