Lesson Seven: Conscious Weddings Message Board Archived Posts on “What Does Marriage Mean Today?” Table of Contents Eight Things No One Tells You About Marriage .………………………. 3 The A Metaphor For Marriage …………………............................................... 4 Comfort From The Other Side …….....……………………………………... 6 Married and Happy …………………………………………………………. 11 Normal For Marriage ……………………………………………………….. 14 What is a Wife? ……………………………………………………………… 18 2 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com 8 Things No One Tells You about Marriage Author Comment [ Le ChristmasBride2006 8 Things No One Tells You about Marriage - ad ] Posts: 1294 TAGS [EDIT]: None (10/20/08 09:02:09) Hi ladies, I ran across this article and thought it was a fantastic depiction of the realities of married life. All 8 points I've found are totally true! http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/no-one-tells- marriage [ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 627 I remember seeing this article on MSN's website about this (10/20/08 09:48:15) time last year. Must be a time of year thing. I actually know the one woman quoted in it... Andrea... and asked her about doing it. She laughed because that was when it was on MSN's site and she said more people have said things to her about it. It's a great article. Thanks for the reminder. [ # APCP621 - 2 ] Posts: 91 Thanks Christmasbride for posting this article. I thought it (10/20/08 10:07:57) gave some good perspective! 3 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com A Metaphor Author Comment [ Le ThinkBee A Metaphor - ad ] Posts: 661 TAGS [EDIT]: None (01/15/08 12:26:53) So I went cross country skiing this weekend with my fiancé and his family (had a great time) and I couldn't help thinking that XC Skiing was a great metaphor for marriage-- and for life, for that matter. Unlike going downhill, where you ride to the top and just glide down and get straight to the fun part (what most people have learned to expect out of life and relationships), in XC skiing you have some parts where you are going uphill (on skis...quite the workout!), mostly flat areas where you are just chugging along (it's a little boring, but you catch some good scenery) and then some exciting/scary downhill parts (often when you least expect them!). And after a hard afternoon of working out in the cold, you get in the hot tub, maybe have a beer and a good meal, and it feels/tastes so much better it would have otherwise. Sometimes it's hard, most of the time it's a bit boring, sometimes it's scary and sometimes it's exciting-- when you least expect it to be. And nothing good is easy, is a simpler way of putting it, I suppose 4 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com Skiing is GREAT for anxiety by the way. Especially on those scary parts...your mind can't focus on anything other than "I am not going to fall, I am not going to hit that tree!" 5 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com for those that already went down the aisle... Author Comment [ Le thinkerwritergal for those that already went down the aisle... - ad ] Posts: 10 TAGS [EDIT]: advice (02/23/09 20:25:32) To all of you marrieds who went through this anxiety and came out alive- maybe even stronger - any advice to share? tips? words of comfort? things you would do differently knowing what you now know? I just keep wondering what it's going to be like on the other side.. I know everyone's story is different, but for those that don't mind sharing, I'm all ears... [ # babyofsix - 1 ] Posts: 802 The first thing I needed to come to terms with after the (02/24/09 04:46:53) wedding... nothing changed, but things changed. Confusing? Yeah, I know. But the bottom line is my relationship didn't really change... not the typical, daily ins and outs. But, things changed for me mentally as I shifted from "fiancé" to "wife." I say this to advise you not to think that immediately after the wedding, you'll feel different and "better." There's still a transition period... most of the women on here have come back and posted about it, whether right after their wedding or a few months after. Give yourself time. Acceptance, in my opinion, is key. Accept yourself as someone who needs time to get through the transition. Accept that you and your husband/husband are flawed, and that's OK. Accept that life is mundane and boring most of the time, with periods of excitement and bliss thrown in just to keep it exciting (I'm talking day to day life). Accept that you need to make a conscious choice every day to love the person you married, even when he seems to "do nothing right" in a day (or week). Time is a big thing. Don't set yourself to a timeline. When you feel yourself wondering "what if," focus on "what is." Also, I've heard many women on here come back and say "I wish my wedding day would've been like ____." I did this A LOT. I 6 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com got real down that my wedding could've been better or different or something. Hindsight is a dangerous thing sometimes. Don't let this get to you. If you feel down about things, feel it, but try to focus on what you loved about your day. Are there things I'd do differently about the specific day now than I did do a year and a half ago? You bet. But over all, I'm at peace with my wedding day. Pictures don't make me mad anymore. Going to other weddings doesn't make me wish I could do mine again so I could make things "better" anymore. Just give yourself time. It's not an overnight, "I woke up the day after my wedding and my anxiety was gone." Some brides feel this way, but a lot of the women I've gotten to "know" on here have come back at some point after their wedding for encouragement about something... and that's OK! [ # Topanga - 2 ] Posts: 199 I agree with BoS that the two basics are time and (02/24/09 06:18:27) acceptance. It's difficult when you're so scared and feel like the world is on your shoulders to allow yourself to sit back and feel that way, but that really is the key to feeling better. As we've said on here before, the more you try to fight your feelings, the more you validate them and the more you think that some feelings are "right" and some feelings are "wrong", the more anxious you're going to get if you're not feeling one and feeling another. There is a very wide range of feelings that are acceptable to feel around a wedding and they range from happiness, to surrealness, to anger, to sadness, to depression, to anxiety, back to happiness. Whatever you feel during this transition is ok. It's important to remember that you're going through one of the biggest decisions/transitions you will ever make in your life and NATURALLY that evokes feelings of tension and fear. Don't assume that the fear means you're making a mistake--it means you're reacting to a huge decision the way any human does and you will emerge stronger and better for it. Words of comfort--this is a beautiful journey. It's scary and 7 © 2010 All Rights Reserved Sheryl Paul, MA, Conscious Weddings® http://www.consciousweddings.com difficult, oh yes, but when you do finally emerge on the other side, married to a partner who stood by you throughout all of the craziness, it's a bit easier to recognize the amazing transformation you went through. That doesn't mean you feel better right away. Like BoS said, it takes a little time to adjust to the transition of being married and to accept that as your new reality, but once that happens, you become keenly aware of the shift in your relationship. It's almost as if you can physically feel the bond deepening between you and your partner. The entire dynamic shifted between my husband and I... we feel closer, in a way that I simply can't describe. He feels more like an extension of myself than anything else; I'm constantly aware of the fact that he's half of this partnership and that I couldn't do this without him. After the wedding and subsequent anxiety passed, I was left with this indescribable appreciation for my husband and the amazing bond that the wedding created between us, that we continue to build day after day. # ThinkBee [-] 3 Posts: 506 I agree with the others that acceptance is the number one (02/24/09 07:23:30) thing. If there was anything that delayed my progress in "feeling like myself again," it was my lack of acceptance, hands down. Acceptance that my life wasn't a fairytale or even a typical romance-to-marriage story (though who knows anymore what is typical), that I couldn't get everything I wanted in life, that life was tough, that nothing is certain except death, that my wedding wasn't perfect, and most importantly, acceptance of all the thoughts and feelings and however long they lasted....acceptance of what was.