special: youth & families our lives Resources for creating and supporting healthy LGBTQ families 26 Experts on Current Trends November/ December Arts federally& entertainment leaders recognized offer industry insights Congressman and Attorney Christopher Krimmer 2013 22 Localon the significance Moments of federal marriage in LGBTequality History Significant milemarkers on ’s road to equality The Cupcake PioneersTransforming of Madison an ol Daryl Sisson & Kathy Brooks of the Daisy CaféOrganization & Cupcakery Madison’s LGBT&XYZ Magazine GSAFE makes racial justice a priority

Representative JoCasta Zamarripa On being out, and the first Latina elected to the

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november / december 2013 3 contents An easy way to improve your home’s our lives FORMING FAMILIES ADOPTION • SURROGACY ASSISTED REPRODUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY energy efficiency 48 FOSTER PARENTING and comfort! 32 ol We stress quality and safety, for you and our PROTECTING FAMILIES Madison’s LGBT&XYZ Magazine workers…..will respect your home…. LEGAL PARENTAGE • CHILD CUSTODY and with over 37 years of experience, no one Patrick Farabaugh Publisher / Editor-in-Chief COMMITMENT & CO-PARENTING AGREEMENTS knows energy efficiency better. Emily Mills DISSOLUTION • GUARDIANSHIPS Editor (608) 246-3737 Kelly Murray LIFE AND ESTATE PLANNING Copy Editor Call to schedule an energy assessment with one Contributing Writers of our BPI certified Building Analysts! Andy Best Jeanne Benink projecthomewi.org Subscribers in Casey Garhart 250+ Wisconsin Molly Hermman Christopher Krimmer 22 cities & towns Vicente Lezama Connie North Dana Pellebon Kristen Petroshius families & youth november / december 2013 rebates for: Mark Pocan Carrie Waters Schmidt Richard Wagner Departments community Quality of Life Karin Wolf JoCasta Zamarripa www.law4kids.com • 608-821-8200 6 Editor’s Letter & 8 our Artists 32 our Pets 450 S. Yellowstone Drive Madison, WI 53719 LEtter to the editor Anders Zanichkowsky’s Ann Jakel & Peggy Stormoen Editorial Facilitators + all proceeds go to support low-income multidisciplinary artworks. intriduce us to their clan. Kristina Kosnick 7 Contributors Linda Lenzke seniors, veterans & local families. 10 our advocates 34 our representative Tim Lom Features Single mom Dana Pellebon on Rep. Mark Pocan on the fall of Ryan Petty 22 out at the capitol navigating the school system DOMA and some of the struggles Contributing Photographers with and for her autistic son. and successes on the road to Eric Baillies Representative JoCasta marriage equality. Ian DeGraff Zamarripa shares about coming 12 our Athletes Timothy Hughes out while in office, and being the Andy Best on how rugby helped 36 our health Steena Cirves only latino and LGBT person in him overcome the anxieties of an Molly Hermman on the Wisconsin State Assembly Business Manager uncoordinated, sensitive kid. bisexual invisibility. Matt Jelinek 26 What’s trending: 14 our allies 38 our intersections National Advertising Sales families & youth Casey Garhart, the her path to GSAFE co-director Kristen Rivendell Media Inc. LGBTQA experts talk what’s becoming a staunch ally for Petroshius on bringing racial Webmaster new and next in area families LGBTQ rights. justice into the mission for Josh Meyers and youth. LGBTQ equality. 16 our storytellers 26 marketing love 42 our money & acceptance “Heather & Heather Blend a Family,” by Heather Maxwell and Carrie Waters Schmidt on Social Diverse and Resilient’s Heather Kauffman Security benefits. Acceptance Journey’s campaign is changing hearts and lives 18 our organizers 44 our issues ©2013 All Rights Reserved. 30 Were Asked, Didn’t Tell… The TransParent support group. Connie North explores our November/December 2013 Volume 7, Issue 3 inborn and chosen identities. much (part II) 20 our calendar Life in the Middle Publishing, LLC Patrick Farabaugh & Joseph Patane, Richard Wargner uncovers Out at the Ballet, Scrooge in 46 our Rights soldiers’ stories from life in the Publishers. 215 Martin Luther King Jr Blvd., Rouge, Winter Art Fair Off the Attorney Christopher Krimmer Box 1202, Madison, WI 53701 Greatest Generation. Square, and more. explains marriage rights now available to same-sex spouses Any reproduction of OL: Our Lives Magazine in 21 our Events who live in Wisconsin. part or in full without the written permission of OutReach’s 40th Anniversary the publisher is strictly prohibited. OL: Our Lives Banquetz. 48 our Taste Magazine shall not be held responsible for any The owners of Ground Zero claims made by our advertisers. Submission of coffeehouse and Cargo Coffee, photographs or other images to OL: Our Lives eye their next location. Magazine may be published without providing image credit. Appearance of any person, business 50 our Future Leaders or organization within photographs, advertise- Cover photographed by Timothy Hughes. Vicente Lezama from Fond du ments, or editorial content neither implies nor infers any indication of their sexual orientation. Hair and makeup by Daisy Quintal-Lepinski, KODE salon. Lac High School.

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4 Made on a Mac november / december 2013 editor contributors softscapes: flower gardens and planting beds Buy Tickets Now hardscapes: patios, walls, walkways madisonsymphony.org, garden structures: arbors, pergolas, privacy screens, Lifting Up Our Definition of a Family Overture Box Office, Dick Wagner (Our History) outdoor kitchens and living areas, low-voltage lighting Just in time for the cold weather to set in, or (608) 258-4141 moved to Madison in 1965 and water features we have what I think is one of the most heart- warming issues of the year, our families-and- to study American history at youth edition. That’s not to say there aren’t any the University of Wisconsin. stories of hardship within these pages, but the Deciding to stay in Madison, overwhelming takeaway is one of persever- ankerl he worked for the state ance and love. and got involved in local AugusTiN y W G ar y y Those of us in the LGBTQA community b politics. In the 1980s, he was know better than most that families come in one of the first dozen out ainting HAdelicH all different shapes, sizes, and origins. Some P gay elected officials in the of us are fortunate to have supportive blood country. Governor Tony Earl appointed him in 1983 to co-chair the relations, and plenty of us have built our own first-ever state level Governor’s Council on Lesbian and Gay Issues. ReTuRNs beautiful chosen families that provide incredible amounts of love and In retirement, he gardens, serves on boards, and researches and writes NOV. 15, 16, 17 support as well. about Wisconsin gay history. Some of our family members are the upright, opposable-thumb- OVERTURE HALL having sorts. Some of them are furry and walk on all fours. Animals Connie North is a psychotherapist in Madison with John DeMain, Conductor often provide crucial emotional care to us, and it’s great to read about an MS in marriage and family therapy and PhD in some of the work being done to make sure their quality of life is as education. She uses a mindfulness-based, justice- KERNIS SPONSORS: rich as it deserves to be. oriented approach and has taught and written Too Hot Toccata It’s also important for those of us who do enjoy strong support sys- Steinhauer Charitable Trust about LGBTQI, equity, and diversity issues. More tems to remember that there’s still so much work to be done to make LALO UW Health Burn Center and information about her is located at connienorth.com UW Department of Surgery sure everyone has the resources they need to lead healthy, productive Symphonie Espagnole Rosemarie Blancke lives. I was especially heartened to learn about the TransParent group, Ian Steven DeGraff is a photographer of people, nature DeEtte Beilfuss-Eager & which works with parents of trans* and gender non-conforming RACHMANINOFF Leonard P. Eager, Jr. and food. His work has been featured in both business students in the Madison school district to help them better understand Symphony No. 2 Wisconsin Arts Board and care for their kids. magazines and nature blogs. He is known for his use of There are still too many members of our community who fall color, and holistic approach to photography. In his free time Ian enjoys gaming,softball,and politics. See more NEW SUBSCRIBERS RECEIVE UP TO 50% OFF through the cracks, though. There are too many heart-wrenching at madisonsymphony.org/subscriptions or call (608) 257-3734. stories of beautiful potential lost to abuse, suicide, even murder. of Ian’s work atianstevenphoto.com Violence from within and without is a truly pressing issue for the LGBTQ community, something none of us can afford to ignore. And so we look to our communities to make things better. We share our stories of hardships and triumphs so that others might learn from them, gain valuable resources and insight, and help to improve things both right now and for future generations. We’re stronger together—diverse, imperfect, colorful, frustrating, and inspiring: in short, a family. Emily Mills Editor

Letter to the Editor

In Response to our September/October issue:

GREAT issue of Our Lives! I read it online this morning and can’t wait to get my hard copy. Each section and article was solid and informative. I had the privi- lege of seeing Adrian’s performance at Proud Theater this year so am so glad to see him featured. The letter to the editor was exceptional. My husband participated in a Study Circle on race a few years back and it forever changed how we move in the world—more aware of people and events. Even though he was the participant, he brought the experience home and we all benefited from it. Linda’s article re- ally makes the connection between point A and B. These are the conversations we should be having. Kristin Kanitz TZ of Madison, Inc.

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6 november / december 2013 community our artists trending

The Rise of Mixed Media Art Hatch Art House Tammy Schreiter, Artist & owner A trend I have noticed in my years as an artist is the increase of mixed media art. When I started art school in the ‘90s we were offered the basic 2D classes, so to speak. Negotiating a Square with Zoe J McDonnell, Emmett, 2006, woodcut, 13” x 14” Printmaking, watercolor, oils, and draw- 2008, hardground etching, 6” x 13” ing…but never mixed media. answers stored in ice. Ice that would never recognize the oceans it Nowadays, mixed media is the new preserves, ice that melts as it buries itself, water and minerals turning normal. It’s very common for artists to incorporate found objects, Mapping the upside down in stratas silently ignoring gravity, silently ignoring North. old upcycled maps and papers. Reusing items and keeping them To us Antarctica mostly means death. Death, and more questions. out of the landfill is also on artists’ minds and is helping with the A person can go blind there from too much light, too many dry mi- increase in mixed media art. Geography of Art rages on a relentless horizon. It is the largest place, the furthest away, The viewer has come to expect this art form in galleries and with the harshest weather whipping the least amount of water—and accept it as a fine art. The multiple layers that often characterize BRILLIANT. BEAUTIFUL. BALLET. BRILLIANT. Anders Zanichkowsky explores inner and outer terrains life—in the world. mixed media art intrigue the viewer. You can look at a paint- through multidisciplinary artworks. ing and see a little bit more, dive a little deeper into the artist’s Antarctica is the palm of God that does not know that we exist. thoughts. This intrigue is what I’d like to pass on to other artists His research into geography and cartography feeds a vast portfolio through Hatch Art House’s recent start-up of juried art shows, ost people who know Anders Za- of map- and diagram-based prints, like the da Vinci-esque Notes on EcoSculpt and EcoSquared. They focus on incorporating upcycled nichkowsky know him as a tire- Spheres (2007). Anders is currently working on prints that combine materials with more typical artist media. less queer activist for economic etching, drawing, and watercolor. He is also curating an upcoming Instead of throwing away that outdated atlas, the artist will m take it and incorporate it into their artwork. Now that atlas has a justice. He was the ACT ride coordinator at AIDS show at the Overture Center that will feature artists as visual ecolo- Network until 2012 and is currently a housing gists. Visual ecology, which can be interpreted as the biology of vi- new life as a work of art and will be enjoyed for many more years. resource specialist at the Tenant Resource Cen- sion, unmasks the way living organisms see differently. The exhibi- ter, helping to fight for renter’s rights, assist low- tion will invite artists, who already play a critical role in helping us The Nutcracker Dec 14 - 24 income people with their housing issues, and understand how we see what we see, to interpret and represent the Nutty Nut Dec 21 develop solutions for homeless individuals. But there is much more to Anders than activism, and soon Madison will enjoy more of Anders the pensive artist, writer, and curator. Anders has a BA from Hampshire College and continued a focused OUT @ THE BALLET pursuit of printmaking at UW-Madison. He works in all manner of print media, including woodcuts, intaglio, lithography, monoprints, Saturday, December 14, 2013 monotypes, performance prints, and scores. But his work does not Overture Center for the Arts start, or stop, there. An intense researcher and writer, Anders has studied and written on geography and cartography, social theory, and philosophy. All of these disciplines feed and inform his work. Join us for Madison Ballet’s annual production of In his performance prints, Anders uses print techniques to docu- Entropy, 2009, aquatint etching, 12” x 13” a holiday classic, The Nutcracker, featuring the ment and record events. For example, the elegant, curvilinear mark energetic choreography of Artistic Director W. Earle left by a pendulum on an etching plate in Pendulum (2008). Or the natural world in abstract ways that ultimately will help us recognize Smith set to Tchaikovsky’s famous score. striking contrast of positive and negative space when seeds and grains our connection to nature. are tossed onto metal plates in Entropy (2009). Anders also combines With a deep passion for the environment, social justice, and equal- 5:45p reception print media, as in his series Disaster Books or Doubled Form, which ity, Anders has already established himself as an invaluable member 7:00p backstage tour combine lithography, etching, and poetry. of the Madison community. As his art and writing continue to evolve 7:30p performance He has also created large-scale installations of his prints. For ex- and proliferate, his presence will be felt that much more significantly. ample, his undergraduate thesis, Antarctica, was a fifty-foot-long For more information on Anders and his work, visit his website at $55/$46 (includes reception, tour, and ticket) print installation of dark indigo blue monotype panels hung from the www.anderszanichkowsky.com. ceiling in a horizontal spiral, which viewers could enter in order to For tickets call 608.258.4141 or visit fully contemplate the stark, cold, isolated beauty of vast uninhabitable Karin Wolf is the arts program administrator for overturecenter.com. Use promo code NUT2013. space. This work draws on Anders’s fascination with polar environ- the City of Madison Department of Planning and ments and includes a poetic statement: Community and Economic Development and madisonballet.org/out the Madison Arts Commission. Her freelance arts Visit To the Earth’s core Antarctica must seem such a hardened beauty. writing has appeared in Sculpture Magazine, Public for more information. A house of wind that carves and polishes mountains; a continent of Art Review, and the Journal Sentinel. To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM W. Earle Smith, Artistic Director 8 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 9 community our advocates

will be different and not have any friends because of it. Scared that I can’t teach my kid, so what happens if you can’t either? Help allay Your Kid’s Best Advocate Is You those fears. If we know that you are on our kid’s side too, it really Single mom Dana Pellebon has been navigating the public school system with and for her autistic helps the communication process. son and offers up some tips to parents facing the same prospect with special-needs kids. Speaking of communicating, while I may be of a different race, nationality, speaking ability, or education level than you, it does not mean that I don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation. Let the parent tell you what has worked for their kid. Yes, speak in termi- remember like it was yesterday: the that you create with the special-education nology that I understand, but don’t treat me like a child in that pro- day my son was diagnosed with au- team to determine what goals need to be cess. Most importantly, don’t argue with the parent about the child’s i tism. He was two and a half, and all worked on in order to have your child motivation. I have raised that child from the moment he was born. I I knew about autism was what was shown receive the best education possible. This know him better than he knows himself at this point in his life. Give on television. I felt wholly unprepared for document will follow your child from me the benefit of the doubt. Setting up an adversarial relationship the challenges that lay ahead of me. year to year throughout his or her time with the parent can only work against the child. Understand where When you have a child who has special working with the special-education team. that parent is coming from and have empathy for his or her situation. needs, there is so much to learn to help It can be intimidating. You don’t know the It is hard work raising a child with special needs, and most of the time them be successful. My son and I, over the best steps for your child because you’re we are grasping for any straws we can find to make the world a better next few years, had to meet each challenge not an educator, but you do know your place for that little one. head-on with the help of his therapists. kid. Be an active part of determining what It took a year and a very good teacher for my child to successfully One of the many things we’ve had to navi- goes on your child’s plan. Ask questions. navigate the first and second grades. We now have to start all over gate is the public school system. I had no Ask too many questions. Add in things again with third grade in a new school. Even though I have been idea what to expect. He was my first child, that are small. Make sure things are in through this before and know all the right questions to ask, I am still and I was still learning basic things like there that are big. scared. At the beginning of this year, I had to write a letter to the in- how to ensure that he kept himself and the Then when school starts, follow up coming teachers to detail all of the needs and aides that my son need- others around him safe. While I am only with your child’s teacher regularly. My ed to be successful. After his father read the email, he told me that he four years into the public school system son’s kindergarten year was pretty disas- cried. It was a huge reminder of all the challenges our son had to face with my son, there are a few things I have trous. I spent a lot of time defending my and all the help he needs. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring us. learned that may make the transition into kid, and he spent a lot of time not learn- I can’t look down the road and guarantee an idyllic future for my kid. the system easier for others. ing. The solution was moving him mid- But I do know my child wants to grow up to be an astrophysicist. My Parents: year to a different classroom. It was the job is to make sure that he has that chance. right move for him. He quickly got back Make sure the school in your district is the appropriate school for on track, but it took a lot of time and effort on everyone’s part to get Dana Pellebon is a bisexual single mother who has lived in the Madison area for 20 years. Her your child. Talk to friends or special-needs support groups who have it right. son Cobain is a third-grader in the Madison school district and has had the best teachers they children in the school your child is slated to attend. Are their children As a single mother, I have been pretty lucky in that I have a job could ever hope for. successful? Do they feel that the team working with their child is giv- that allows me time during the day to meet and deal with issues. I ing them what is needed? Ask about basic accessibility issues. Tour have been lucky in that his educators are willing to work with me and the school in advance. If you are not getting the responses that are in him to make school the best possible experience for him. I believe the best interest of your child, talk to the district about open enroll- we achieved good results because I and a special teacher of my son’s ment for a school that will work well for your child. Remember, you went to bat for him a lot. I had to remember that sometimes the educa- did you hear? know what is best for your kid. Work to get the environment that will tors were wrong, and I had to step in to make sure the right decisions GSAFE’s Brian Juchems Recognized with best meet his or her needs. were being made for my kid. That’s a tough thing to do. But never Prestigious Civil Rights Award Meet with the special-education team that will be working with forget you are there for the best interest of your child, and you know GSAFE Executive Director Brian Juchems your child prior to your child entering the school. Talk with them your child better than anyone else. Don’t abandon those instincts. was recently named the winner of the Lisa about what needs your child has and what is available, and make sure Keep working to understand what’s being offered and then make sure Sundberg Civil Rights Defender Award that everything you talk about is included on the IEP. the outcome is what’s best for your child. by Community Shares of Wisconsin. Brian The IEP? IEP is short for Individualized Education Plan. It’s a plan was recognized for his “relentless” work to Educators: improve conditions and build support for all youth in Wisconsin’s schools. First and foremost, I tip my hat to you. You do and accomplish Our Mortgage Experts things I never could. You know more about education than I ever “In our work with students and educators we encourage people not only to respect Help You Achieve Your Dreams could. You are the expert and I acknowledge that. I would also like but to celebrate our differences,” Juchems When a bank has made home to offer you some tips for talking with us parents—things that, in my says. “Ultimately we’re working to create mortgage loans since 1895 you experience, have been very beneficial. communities where all people are valued.” can expect more. Our mortgage We are all there for generally the same purpose. The biggest dif- Liz Lusk, GLBTQ resource specialist for the team, from loan officers ference is that it’s my kid we are sitting there talking about, and I am Madison Metropolitan School District, offers this statement in support of through processors, knows how scared: Scared that I won’t know the right things to say. Scared that his work: “Brian is relentless in considering the impact of GSAFE’s work on to maximize your dreams. I’m not making the right choices. Scared that I don’t know what is the day-to-day lives of youth in our schools. When Brian came to the Sauk Prairie School District, long ago, he did our first staff training on LBGT coming next for my kid. Scared that the first time my kid does some- issues. And now who hasn’t he worked with in school systems!?” thing wrong, he will be labeled and treated badly. Scared that my kid Get Started Now: Apply Online To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM home-savings.com | 608.282.6000 10 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 11 community our Athletes take control of your body

An outtake from the remember other kids teasing me about my weight to the Minotaur’s 2014 calendar; point where that was no longer fun either. I would say On the pitch in Nashville; I didn’t miss it, but that was a lie. I remember all of the The Minotaurs’ logo times I felt left out. • Personalized Fitness While other guys my age tended toward the areas that • State of the Art Studio were more physical (and therefore more acceptable), I • All Fitness Levels was drawn to computers, science, literature, philosophy, • On the Capitol Square writing, drama, and social causes, all of which were The Madison Minotaurs Rugby Football Club more intellectual or were areas where my sensitivity 10 South Carroll St. 608.204.0727 didn’t seem like a curse. Still, I didn’t feel like I entirely fit in. My developing interest in both women (but not One other thing that surprised me about rugby, however, was this: prac- like other guys in my class) and men (but not enough tically everyone I’ve met, either on my own team or on other teams, was [email protected] that I thought I could call myself “gay”) just made me understanding. Sure, they might get frustrated if someone on the team was feel more awkward, so I tried to shove that aside. underperforming, but I learned that I wasn’t the only one who struggled In high school I focused more on discovering the with feeling like a failure. It didn’t matter whether I was skinny or fat or meaning of life (and beating the occasional video game) what my sexual orientation was or wasn’t or how much athletic ability I Madison’s Premier Running Specialty Store than sports or sex and found more friendships online had. They were there for me, willing to help me overcome this, as painful than offline. In college, I was able to get out of my shell more. Since as it could be for me. The great thing about being on the team has been there were more people interested in the same things as me, I was able to the emphasis on doing as well as we can. I joined the team expecting to open up. After years of depression had taken its toll on my self-esteem, I play a bit and be social, but I found that I looked forward to the playing worked out some of my issues in counseling. I continued to walk in my even more than the celebrations afterward. Being able to train with more spare time, a habit I picked up in high school since it helped me think, and competitive players in the Wisconsin Rugby Club just gave me more moti- Proud Sponsor of also helped slim me down a bit. It wasn’t until I moved here to Madison vation to improve myself, but to do so while realizing what I was good at. GSAFE’s that I finally took the plunge and started seriously running. With that and WAlk/Run/EAt

some dietary changes, I went down from a size XL to an S within a year. Rugby is obviously known for how physically Even then, however, I found myself a bit paralyzed when it came to so- berkeleyrunningcompany.com cializing. I still viewed myself as Too Sensitive Ugly Kid, and this made vulnerable you are, but part of learning and 2852 University Ave • 608-395-BERK it difficult for me to go to any groups dedicated to running (“What if succeeding is being mentally vulnerable. In other Weekdays 10am - 8pm • Sat 10am - 7pm • Sun 10am - 6pm everyone else outruns me?”) or explore one of the martial arts classes I words, I had to learn something very hard for me: contemplated (“What if I keep on screwing up?”) or even just going to that it was OK to fail. Embracing the Scrum the gym (“How will I look?”). Despite all of my weight loss, I still saw Rugby helped Andy Best embrace vulnerability and overcome myself as Too Sensitive Ugly Kid in the mirror and hated myself. I tried to shove that aside too, and it was sometime around then that—surprise! So with that, and admittedly my own stubbornness, I just kept pushing. the anxieties of an uncoordinated, sensitive kid. —I realized I liked guys more than I’d thought. Despite how this cleared I attended as many practices as I could, even that one time when a sheet up a lot of fog in my life, it was still confusing (“Do I like men more than of ice seemed to cover the ball. I devoted time to working on my hand- women? Women more than men? What do I do?”), and didn’t help with eye coordination, my running form, and my overall fitness. I remember keep envisioning a scenario in which I’m able to go back in time to coping with how I was losing interest in my career. All of this resulted in how proud of myself I felt when I was able to wear a jersey for my first see myself as a high school student, and tell my past self that now I a crescendo of anxiety until the fateful call when I gave my family mem- tournament, and how I tried to tackle players much bigger than me (in- play on a rugby team. I always picture my past self being incredulous, bers two announcements: I was leaving my job for graduate school, and I cluding once when I clung onto a guy’s legs as he ran like a rabid weasel). i saying, “Really? That doesn’t make sense!” liked guys (for the record, they were okay with both). I remember how great it felt getting tackled in a gigantic mud puddle. I grew up in South Williamsport, Penn., a town known mostly for host- I learned about the Madison Minotaurs through friends I had made Being able to disentangle years of toxic thoughts helped me not only be ing the Little League World Series every year. We also lived close enough while I was applying for graduate school. I knew I wanted to do some- a better rugby player, but also be more confident in my ability to overcome to State College that at the time, Joe Paterno was a legend, a god in our thing to stay in shape and something to keep being social during graduate challenges. The fact that going back to school caused me anxiety? I ended backyard. It was an expectation that you were interested in some form school. The people I met in the group were friendly and down-to-earth, up getting a 4.0 my first semester. Wondering where I fit in with my sexu- of sports and had some allegiance. Even if you didn’t care about sports, and they answered any questions I had. Becoming a runner had made me ality? I joined 521, a bisexual advocacy organization here in Madison. you could at least find some common ground in outdoor activities: bait into a bit of an endorphin junkie, so I wasn’t so nervous about silly things Rugby not only made it possible for me to have an outlet for my per- machines were at convenience stores nearby, I learned how to shoot a rifle like “minimal protection.” I was prepared for that. fectionism while curbing my self-loathing, but it also reminded me that on a school field trip, and the deer hunting seasons were clearly marked What I was challenged with instead was another aspect of the game allowing yourself to be vulnerable can help you get stronger and grow. If I on my school calendars. that not many people talk about. Rugby is obviously known for how phys- did ever go back in the past and see myself in high school, still struggling To say I wasn’t interested in sports is not entirely true. For starters, ically vulnerable you are, but part of learning and succeeding is being with that self-image, I know how I would respond to Past Me crying out manual dexterity has always been something that has been elusive to me. mentally vulnerable. In other words, I had to learn something very hard that playing rugby doesn’t make sense. madison’s premier I struggled at cutting shapes and tying my own shoelaces for a long time for me: that it was OK to fail. Pretty much every aspect of my playing “It makes perfect sense.” n when I was a little kid, which led to eventually hating anything involving style involved failure of some kind, and it was undeniably difficult for me cloud service provider catching things because I frequently fumbled when I didn’t get hit by a to deal with. I fumbled balls, was horrible at throwing, did not know how Tim Lom is Our Athletes editorial facilitator and ball. Secondly, I was both a perfectionist and easily rattled by what other to tackle properly, could only keep one new thing in my mind at a time, a member of the Madison Minotaurs rugby enjoy cloud technology club, Wisconsin’s only International Gay Rugby people thought of me. My frustration at not being able to keep up with needed to communicate, and even needed to correct my running form. I for business Association and Board team. He’s excited to help solutions other kids in athletics contributed to my waning interest. I did love play- kept comparing myself to everyone else, and “Too Sensitive Ugly Kid” various members of the sports community have 5NINES.com ing soccer for a while, since it was something I wasn’t too bad at, but I became “Worst Rugby Player Ever.” their voices heard and their stories told. Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe for FREE at: ourlivesmadison.com To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM Proud Sponsor of

12 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 13 13 community our allies

Shortly after moving to Madison, Bill started to experience debilitat- ing pain in the soles of his feet. He was suffering from pustular psoria- sis, a severe skin condition, prone to sores and infection. The condition forced him to go on disability and placed Casey in the role of caregiver, while she continued to hold down a full-time job. Around the same time that Bill’s health was deteriorating, Phil’s dia- betes took a turn for the worse. A foot infection led to an amputation of his leg. Then Phil’s kidneys failed, forcing him to follow a strict dialysis regimen for the last two years of his life. Peter was determined to continue caring for his partner, working full time while driving Phil from one appointment to the next. “My life, pretty much for the last two years, was not really my own. It was a real tough grind,” says Peter. ”Being a caregiver is not an easy job, so when I see other people doing it, I have great sympathy for them because I’ve been there.”

When the coroner arrived, Phil’s son, Dante, had to be notified as the legal next-of-kin, since Casey was not technically his wife. Even Celebrating 40 years of serving Dane County in her state of shock, Casey described this Personal care, home delivered meals, acknowledgment that she wasn’t in full control housekeeping, home safety modifications, more of the situation as a sort of “sting.” Post-hospital nursing and therapies Retirement communities in Madison, Fitchburg and Sun Prairie Straight and Gay: Losing Partners Your local connection to an independent life Everyone witnesses the stages of the lifecycle, but Casey was caught off guard by death. Coming back from a routine business trip, Casey was Call 274-7900 today www.independentlivinginc.org annoyed that Bill had not showed up to get her from the airport. When Connected by Love she made it home late that night, she found him dead in the living room. There was nothing to do but call 911 and wait. For Casey Garhart, the path to becoming a staunch ally for LGBTQ rights meant finding connection When the coroner arrived, Phil’s son, Dante, had to be notified as the in an unusual place—her ex-husband’s new partner. legal next-of-kin, since Casey was not technically his wife. Even in her state of shock, Casey described this acknowledgment that she wasn’t in Straight and Gay: Falling In Love full control of the situation as a sort of “sting.” llies of the LGBTQ community often attribute their support to “If we had been married, it would have made his death easier, in some a sibling ties, parent-child bonds, or close friendships. In Casey Newly single at age 32 and living in D.C., Casey decided to try her respects, because I would have been the next-of-kin,” says Casey. Garhart’s case, love guided her decision to become an active ally, but luck at the precursor to online dating—a personal ad in the paper. Her Phil also died at home. Around 10:00 on a Sunday evening, Peter had her inspiration came from a far more nuanced relationship with her gay tagline, “Not perfect and not trying,” caught the attention of Bill Harper. called 911, but Phil’s heart gave out before the paramedics arrived. ex-husband’s partner. Countless baseball dinner dates turned into a ten-year relationship Fortunately, Phil’s legal next-of-kin, his mother, recognized Peter as After divorcing, Casey found Bill and Phil found Peter. But out of that bypassed wedding bells and a marriage license. Instead, the couple her honorary son-in-law. She may have replaced the king bed in the choice and circumstance, neither couple obtained a marriage license. adopted two 15-pound Maine Coon cats, a breed comparable to toddlers guest room with two twin beds to assuage her feelings, initially, but her This left both Casey and Peter in a legally vulnerable position once their in size and curiosity. acceptance turned to a respect that grew into love, once she realized partners fell ill and passed away. Empathizing with the legitimacy of Up the coast in New York, Peter Hajduk was scraping by in the the- Peter was not going to abandon her son as his health slowly deteriorated. Peter’s commitment, despite state laws that defined things otherwise, ater business. Eager to meddle in his love life, two of his friends set him “Believe me, I was really grateful for [her acceptance], because it Casey felt compelled to become an ally in the campaign for equal rights. up on a double date with Phil Stone, Casey’s ex-husband. The two men could have been really ugly,” says Peter. “I was lucky.” immediately fell in sync, discussing their passion for theater while sip- Sitting at Phil’s funeral in the front row alongside Peter, Casey also ping martinis. realized how lucky Peter was to have found an accepting family. While Half a year later, the couple moved to Brooklyn, where they knew it she found solace in their shared experiences with love, commitment, and would be easy to rent an apartment together. They became homebodies, grief, she also realized that Peter could have been legally rejected as a NeW & USed BookS IN doWNtoWN MadISoN never tiring of each other’s company in the two seamless decades they gay widower. were together. With this new perspective on the importance of marriage equality, Peter would have preferred to validate his commitment by way of a Casey joined the Madison chapter of PFLAG about ten years ago. As a marriage contract, but he explaines, “I was ready and the state wasn’t.” member of this LGBTQ advocacy group, she serves as an “interface,” Straight and Gay: Becoming Caregivers confronting discriminatory attitudes and politics with a remarkable story of empathy and acceptance. By the time both couples had hit a domestic stride, health complica- “For most of us, to get really involved in stuff,” she says, “somehow tions threatened to throw them off course. or other it has to become personal.” —Erin Luhman Serving the LGBT community for over 35 years. Visit us at our new, expanded location just off State Street, next to Community Pharmacy. To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM 315 W. Gorham St. Madison, WI n (608) 257-7888 Mon.–Sat. 10–8, Sun. 12–5 n www.roomofonesown.com14 14 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 15 community our storytellers WI LOVE

Heather & Heather

Blend a Family One evening, the same day we scheduled the Mandolin Inn and the By Heather Maxwell and Heather Kauffman magistrate in Dubuque, Heather’s dad called to share the news that our Iowa marriage would be recognized by federal tax law. We stood in our Anthology If only creating a happy blended family were as simple as throwing us kitchen and held each other, silently moved at having the federal govern- Onesies, prints, ornaments, stationery & other paper goods. all in a blender and pressing “whip.” Instead, it is something more like the ment extend an olive branch of equality past the walls of Wisconsin’s laws. art of keeping oil-and-vinegar dressing mixed, requiring constant vigilance Days later, we found words for what we felt that night. If they had a Featuring works by over 100 local & indie artists. and lots of experimentation with how hard, long, and often to shake, not to melody, they would be set to the cry of a red-tailed hawk, and haunting 218 State Street • anthology.typepad.com • (608)204-2644 mention storage temperature and what spices to add to the mixture. owl song at night. *** *** Our family is a collage of images. Swine flu Christmas. Soul-holding My best friend, my partner, my love, I am grateful to have you by my moments. The poetry wall, quiet reverence and strokes of paint over half- side, part of my life. You and our four girls complete me, because without revealed secrets. Mural women finding their voices. love I would not be whole. Holding hands in the surgical waiting area. Hugs and popsicles. “Will Together with you I hold joy in my heart. You are my best friend, my you put my earrings back in for me? You’re better at it than Mom.” inspiration, and a reminder that all the tough bits are worth it. I will be by Waiting for a teen to come home or answer a text—please, please an- your side in times of celebration and sadness. I will love you when life is swer the text!—at 2:30 a.m. Christmas Eve. simple, and when it is a challenge. The skittish dance of young souls. Trust offered—mistakes we made— Today is not a beginning, but a continuation of something that began trust withdrawn, offered again. Like watching a woman unravel an afghan five years ago. We have acquired many anniversaries, many sacred mo- after finding a dropped stitch and knit it back together again. ments. Several years ago we chose rings, symbols of our affection and Cello music, violin, soccer, sketches, paintings, and poems. Twelve commitment to each other. Today we reaffirm our connection, our bond, muddy paws to wipe on rainy days. Storms, kisses, and fifteen journals our deepening understanding of each other’s needs, dreams, and goals. filled. Transitions mastered, businesses grown. Girls becoming women. In each moment, we drink in our sufficiency, our passion, and our car- SEASON OPENER Hearts mended and other ordinary miracles. ing. We remember to breathe deeply, so that we don’t miss the exact sec- “Will you sit with me after dinner?” Mediation is the glue that keeps us ond when a glint of sunlight turns an indigo bunting feather brilliant blue, solid. Five years and four solid, beautiful young women later, there’s still or Hawk calls and stirs our spirits, or Owl glides silently across our path a bit of overwhelmed-crazy-can-we-do-this? some days. But we’re getting at twilight. better at this business of gently sheltering souls. Our love is not perfect, but it is whole. We complete each other in ways *** we never imagined. Through the years, we will remember how to laugh Given this collage of individuals and responsibilities, deciding to get through the tears, growing old together at the same time we grow younger married was quite a process for us. We knew we wanted a joyful wedding, every day, deepening our capacity for joy. and for everyone there to share our joy. There were the girls and extended *** family to consider, with levels of acceptance for our journey increasing over Heather and Heather live on the west side of Madison and have four the years. Then there was Wisconsin; maybe if we waited a little longer…. daughters ranging from eighth grade to junior year of college. Heather Finally, from a quiet space, a tender, open space, we recognized that M.’s business, Create Thrive Grow, www.CreateThriveGrow.com, in- the joy we’d been waiting for rested curled in our hearts, a sprout waiting cludes massage therapy, intuitive work, and her DoodleKids drawings. to open. It didn’t come from anyone else being ready for our marriage. It Heather K. works on campus and has published four novels. Both enjoy came from years of growth and healing, from a love deeper and less vola- journaling, birding, nature hikes, and their three dogs. They were married tile than in our early days. in Dubuque in September, with a Wisconsin ceremony to follow. n To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM

16 16 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 17 17 community our organizers “Thanks for the great work on our bathroom. It looks fabulous and we’re very pleased!” live people, not just the Internet.” Mark Pocan In defiance of the old joke, the group is working to compile a cen- Open Hearts, Open Minds tral handbook of sorts, to include crucial information and resources Looks like it’s… The TransParent support group helps parents of trans* children navigate uncharted waters. about raising a trans* or gender non-conforming kid. “There’s always more work to do; it never ends,” says Michelle. “We’re just parents like anyone. We want to help our kids thrive.” —Emily Mills Time 2 Remodel llc Curt Dimmig • 608-212-0633 For more information about the GLBTQ outreach program and www.time2remodel.com arenting isn’t easy. The old In fourth grade, her granddaughter the TransParent group, contact Liz Lusk at (608) 663-8449 joke about not getting a man- became so depressed about not being or [email protected] p • Award winning designer with 25+ years of experience ual with each kid still holds true, able to go to school as a girl that she no even in our hyper-technological 21st longer wished to attend at all. Azuela • One stop remodeling shop from concept to completion • Kitchens, baths, additions, and basements century world. Every child is unique. looked for help but found few resourc- did you hear? • Exceptional customer service Everyone comes with their own spe- es for their particular situation. cific needs. “She’s very special, very proud, and Gone Too Soon: As a parent, though, what do you do she wasn’t going to change,” Azuela Remembering Mindy Fabian when your kid’s needs have tradition- says. And it was through the eventual Madison lost a young transgender activist, daughter, ally been almost entirely ignored by help of the TransParent group that she and friend on Sunday, Oct. 13, with the sudden death of society? Worse yet, when they’ve been came to understand that she could help 18-year-old Mindy Fabian. An obituary for Mindy read that actively discriminated against, misun- her granddaughter simply by showing she was “a courageous, loving and spirited soul,” and the derstood, even threatened? Begun in 2009 with just three people, that she wasn’t afraid of who she was, outpouring of support elsewhere has reflected much the same. Slowly but surely, parents, teach- TransParent has since grown exponentially, and that she supported her. ers, and the kids themselves are break- “People perceive that information. Mindy was a senior at West High School in Madison, and an active to the point where parents from outside the volunteer with GSAFE as well as a member of the Youth Leadership Board. ing ground and blazing trails to make district are now basing decisions to move to It makes a difference,” she says. sure no one gets overlooked, and that Bea (not her real name) found the The Madison Police Department identified the cause of death as suicide. Madison on the availability of that support. GSAFE has been working with staff in the MMSD and other districts to every child gets the support and at- TransParent group through Liz, once reach out to students who knew Mindy personally and to make sure they tention they need. One such group is her son came out to her as trans. It are connected to supports. TransParent, a coalition of Madison-area parents of transgendered was, she explains, a lifesaver. “Just being able to talk to other parents and gender-expansive children that’s working to provide a network about it, hearing everyone’s stories, especially from parents of older for education and resources to those who might otherwise have no- children about how well they were doing, how common it was. They where to turn for support. helped me realize that my son’s life wasn’t going to be as dangerous Begun in 2009 with just three people, TransParent has since grown as I feared.” We are Diverse and Resilient exponentially, to the point where parents from outside the district are The group has also helped many parents realize that, in the end, now basing decisions to move to Madison on the availability of that their kids are still just that: kids. Everyone is different, with different We’re in the business of love and acceptance support. needs and dreams. Liz Lusk is the GLBTQ resource specialist for the Madison Metro- “[My son] is an introvert and just wants to be seen as a regular guy, politan School District, one of only six people in such a position in the not an activist,” explains Bea. She laughs when relating an exchange e envision a world where LGBT people entire country. She says she frequently gets calls from parents outside they had about the various trans-focused events they’ve attended. “He Wlive full, healthy, and happy lives in safe of the district looking for help, too. said, ‘I can’t be friends with people just because they’re trans!’ He and supportive communities, and we’re “Oftentimes parents come into contact with groups like TransPar- just wants to be allowed to make friends like anyone else.” here to make that dream a reality. ent through the schools,” Lusk explains. “We’re seeing more parents Another positive side effect of their TransParent meetings, they The fact is we aren’t there yet. Studies of younger kids, a much greater diversity of who’s involved. When I say, is that the older kids tend to watch out for the younger ones, often show LGBT people of all backgrounds are first started in this job I thought we’d mostly being dealing with high unintentionally becoming mentors and role models for them. less healthy than the general public. Our school and middle school kids, but that hasn’t been the case at all. “The kids have already gotten there. They’re way ahead of us,” Kids are coming out, or just feeling freer to be themselves, at much says Michelle with a chuckle. Her child, who identifies as gender ex- community disproportionately experiences younger ages now.” pansive, transitioned in preschool. They’ve been successful in getting the ill effects of alcohol and drug use, Azuela is one of the TransParent group’s original members. The classmates and teachers to move fluidly between different gender pro- depression, sexually transmitted infections, grandmother of a young transwoman, she speaks with great love and nouns. Still, Michelle finds crucial support in the TransParent group. and partner violence. Discrimination respect for the support she’s found in the group, as well as with clear Navigating the medical system, finding doctors who understand the against LGBT people is at the root of pride in her granddaughter. unique needs of transgendered people, and even dealing with getting these disparities. And doing away with “When she was very young, she asked me, ‘When are they going to passports and other IDs all become more complicated procedures discrimination is the answer to our health. have brain transplants?’” Azuela relates. “When I asked why, she said, for parents of trans* children. The group helps by providing much- ‘I want to have my brain put into the body of a girl.’ It broke my heart.” needed resources and references—some of which comes from the Acceptance Journeys is our program Counseling was no help. Azuela says the therapist insisted that her other children themselves. that aims to end discrimination and stigma granddaughter was simply gay, an assertion that didn’t make sense to “My 10-year-old put together a FAQ about hormones, blockers, toward LGBT people. Acceptance Journeys one, we are changing minds and hearts website to learn more about our work. the girl. “She told me she didn’t want to see the counselor anymore all of that, that’s used by many parents in the group and their kids,” encourages friends and family to stand up because of it,” Azuela adds. Michelle says proudly. “It’s cool that here kids can get info from real and make a difference for LGBT and paving a road toward acceptance. Make a contribution online at www. people in their lives. One by Help us make a difference. Visit our diverseandresilient.org/give. Follow us: Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe for FREE at: ourlivesmadison.com /dresilient Diverse and Resilient, Inc. | 2439 N. Holton St., Milwaukee, WI 53212 | 414.390.0444 | diverseandresilient.org 18 november / december 2013 /dresilient community our calendar our sponsored events Buy tickets now madisonsymphony.org, September 20 | OutReach 40th Anniversary Banquet overture Box office, Cultural, Social, Service, and Nightlife listings organizations or (608) 258-4141

2012-2013A representative SEASON sampling Madison Ballet Presents OUT @ THE BALLET DEC. 6, 7, 8 Saturday, December 15, 2012 AIDS Network 600 Williamson St., Madison (608) 252-6540 OVERTURE HALL Join us for Madison Ballet’s annual aidsnetwork.org production of the holiday classic, The Nutcracker, featuring the energetic John DeMain, choreography of Artistic Director Alianza Latina W. Earle Smith set to Tchaikovsky’s facebook.com/alianzalatinamadison Conductor famous score.

Time: 5:45p reception Bowling Out Loud 7:00p backstage tour (optional) 7:30p performance [email protected]

Tickets: $50 or $41 Dairyland Cowboys & Cowgirls A mAdison (includes reception, tour, and ticket) dcandc.org Location: Overture Center for the Arts, Winter Art Fair Off the Square Scrooge in Rouge201 State St., Madison, WI OUT @ The Ballet Fair Wisconsin symphony 203 S. Paterson Street, Madison (608) 441-0143 SPONSORS: November 16-17, December 6-21,Purchase Bartell your tickets Theatre beginning Oct 6 DecemberThe Nutcracker 14 @ Overture Center by calling the Overture Center Ticket December 15-24, 2012 fairwisconsin.com American Monona Terrace Convention Center “Scrooge in Rouge”Office at finds 608.258.4141 a or order online Overture Hall Printing Company at overturecenter.com using promo Nutty Nut @ Overture Center Frontrunners/Frontwalkers christmAs The festival features 144 Wisconsin 23-member actingcode NUT2012. troupe reduced MadisonDecember Ballet’s 22, 2012 annual production Nedrebo’s Formalwear personalpages.tds.net/~tmcclurg exhibitors with of pottery, paintings, to three by a sharedFor additional case information of post- or to sponsor of theDracula holiday @ Overture classic Center The Nutcracker, John W. Thompson & this event, contact the Madison Ballet March 8-10, 2013 fiber, glass art, wood, photography, Christmas-partyTicket food Concierge poisoning at 608.278.7990 or features the choreography of Gay/Straight Alliance Jane A. Bartell jewelry, graphics, sculpture and more. Scrooge in Rougesee madisonballet.org/out. is a quick-change, ArtisticExposed Director @ Bartell W. Theater Earle Smith set to for Safe Schools (GSAFE) BMO Private Bank On Saturday the festival features cross-dressing version of the Dickens Tchaikovsky’sApril 19-20, 2013 famous score. Includes 122 E. Olin Ave., Madison (608) 661-4141 Hooper Foundation/ a very successful Silent Auction holiday classic. a receptionContact our and Ticket Conciergebackstage today tour. gsafewi.org MADISON SYMPHONY CHORUS General Heating & W. Earle Smith, Artistic Director at 608.278.7990 or email Air Conditioning contributed by our exhibitors. stageq.com madisonballet.org/out www.madisonballet.org [email protected]. Gay Softball League MADISON YOUTH CHOIRS An Anonymous Friend artcraftwis.org badgerlandsoftball.com MT. ZION GOSPEL CHOIR Colony Brands, Inc. Gay Volleyball League Hans & Mary Lang Sollinger GET LISTED To see your event on this page, be sure to post it on our community calendar ourlivesmadison.com madisongayvolleyball.com Wisconsin Arts Board Hermanos Latinos NEW SUBSCRIBERS RECEIVE UP TO 50% OFF [email protected] at madisonsymphony.org/subscriptions or call (608) 257-3734. PLAN YOUR YEAR Forward Theater Co. presents “Sons of the Prophet” November 7 - 24, the Playhouse at Overture Center Stephen Karam pens a brutally funny comedy Lez In Color Yahoo Group [email protected] January 26: AIDS Network Camp Bingo about family, culture, and how we cope with wounds that just won’t heal. Finalist for the 2012 Pulitzer Prize for Drama, hailed as one of the “Top 10 Lez Talk Yahoo Group February 6: OPEN Annual Dinner Plays of 2011” by The New York Times, New York Magazine, and Newsday. [email protected] February 23: AIDS Network Camp Bingo forwardtheater.com Madison Gay Hockey Association March : New Harvest Dinner PFLAG Meeting, November 17 at 2:00 p.m., Friends Meeting House Parents and madisongayhockey.org March 30: AIDS Network Camp Bingo Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) meet once a month at the Friends Madison Minotaurs Gay Rugby April: AIDS Network’s Red Ribbon Affair Meeting House, 1704 Roberts Court in Madison. pflag-madison.org minotaursrugby.org May 2: OUT at the Symphony Trans Monologues Open Mic Night, November 20 at 6:00 p.m., A Room of New Harvest Foundation May 10: GSAFE Leadership Conference One’s Own An evening of works by people with something to say, spit, newharvestfoundation.org sing, rant, rave, or rhyme about being trans, genderqueer, MtF, FtM, butch, May: GSAFE Celebration of Leadership Out Professional and nelly, queenie, drag, or anywhere on or off the gender-variant spectrum. Executive Network (O.P.E.N.) June 6-8: Milwaukee PrideFest Presented the LGBT Campus Center and UW-Madison. roomofonesown.com openmadison.org June: FruitFest Fair Wisconsin Holiday Auction, December 5, the Madison Club Join Fair OutReach Community Center August: ACT 12: Wisconsin AIDS Ride Wisconsin in an evening of food, fun, friends and an array of unique and 600 Williamson St., Madison (608) 255-8582 October 12: GSAFE’s Walk/Run/Eat exciting auction items! Celebrate a full year of strengthening our community lgbtoutreach.org and building a fairer Wisconsin and don’t miss this opportunity to get your PFLAG - Parents, Families and hands on some wonderful auction items as gifts for others or a treat for Friends of Lesbians and Gays yourself! fairwisconsin.com/auction (608) 848-2333 A Madison Symphony Christmas, December 6 thru 8, Overture pflag-madison.org Hall Don your Santa hat for the 20th anniversary of this signature Perfect Harmony Men’s Chorus Christmas celebration. This concert is filled with traditions, perfectharmonychorus.org from carols by the Madison Symphony Chorus to performances StageQ - Madison’s Queer Theater by hundreds of members of Madison’s musical community. stageq.com madisonsymphony.org UW - Madison LGBT Campus Center Mad Rollin’ Dolls 10th Anniversary Season Opener, December 7 800 Langdon St., Madison (608) 265-3344 at 5:00 p.m. Alliant Energy Center Coliseum Madison’s premiere wisc.edu/lgbt roller derby league kicks off its Tenth Anniversary Season with a Wisconsin Rainbow Families night of hard-hitting athleticism and awesome entertainment! wirainbowfamilies.com madrollindolls.com

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20 20 november / december 2013 cover [youth & families] What’s Trending Families Many families in the LGBTQ community are made up of two humans and their four-legged “children.” We’ve asked service providers in the world of pet ownership as well as human families to weigh in on what they are seeing in their industries these days.

Complications & celebration for newlyweds 1 Balisle & Roberson, S.C. Linda S. Balisle, Shareholder 1. Learning she won The mayor of Minneapolis knew what he was the election doing when he ventured to Wisconsin to encourage 2. At her Inauguration 3. Standing with LGBT residents to plan their weddings where they are Wisconsin workers legally recognized. With the striking down of DOMA provisions, during the Capitol and the resulting federal benefits that may be available for LGBT protests 2 3 spouses, more couples have made the effort to get married in one of the states where LGBT marriages are recognized. Lawyers are providing some cautions: 1) Not all of these marriages are easily . woman. It was a very difficult decision, and in hindsight, I wish that I would have run as an openly LGBTQ candidate. An “out” candidate. dissolved by divorce, unless you were married in Washington, Have more beautiful words ever been written? Unfortunately, I made D.C., or Maryland; and 2) Social security benefits are not avail- , KODE salon KODE , the decision not to disclose my identity at the time. My opponents, able if you live in a state that doesn’t recognize your marriage. at every turn, attempted to out me via a “whisper” campaign. I re- However, in an odd bit of unexpected consequences, registered member one of them attending the Democratic Party of Wisconsin Wisconsin domestic partners are expected to be eligible for Social State Convention that summer and asking many of the people of color Security benefits because Wisconsin’s DP statute allows some in-

-L epinski Q uintal ais y delegates if they knew that “JoCasta’s gay,” apparently in hopes of heritance rights. So when you’re planning your marriage logistics, y D y b pulling support away from me. remember to register as Wisconsin domestic partners as well until But some of the most difficult moments on the campaign trail were the social security rules are changed to allow benefits for married makeup when I had to field questions from the press about my sexual orienta- couples living in a state that doesn’t recognize their marriage. and tion. The questions came from both reputable and not-so-reputable H air journalists. “Pivoting” is the practice of changing the direction of a question. at the “They say you’re gay?” asks journalist X. “You know, I would be remiss to talk to you about my personal life when so many other pressing issues, like public education and shared revenue, are such important concerns in our great state,” answers Jo- Save the Date for Representative JoCasta Zamarripa shares what coming out while in office was like, Fair Wisconsin's and giving a voice to both the LGBTQ and Latino communities in the State Assembly. Casta Zamarripa. He said he had just spoken with my opponent and Holiday Auction oming out. Have scarier words ever been written? I had ab- from the time I was 10 years old, at least. But I also recognized that asked the same question. “She says the biggest Wednesday, december 11, 2013 capitol 5:30 PM - 8:00 PM solutely hiddenout this part of my identity since I was a little it was something I should keep secret. Not that I received negative difference between the two of you is your sexuality. c girl. I am bisexual. But for more than two decades of my messages about LGBTQ people at home. In fact, sex or sexuality was Will you respond to that?” THE MADISON CLUB life I never said it to anyone, I never wrote about it—but I almost never discussed in my family. It was at school that I received often thought about it. negative reinforcements around same-sex relationships. I knew to It is hard to pinpoint the exact moment that I realized I was bisexu- keep it a secret or be ridiculed on the school playground. For years I I became quite good at “pivoting,” though there was one weak mo- al. It certainly was something that I began to recognize within myself did not even feel that I could write about my bisexuality in my diary, ment when I was speaking with a Latino journalist who was asking for fear that someone would find it and read it. me preliminary questions before an on-air interview the following And then, in my 20s, a historic event in pop culture set me on the day. He asked me what the difference was between my independent path to finally coming out. I am certain I am not alone when I indicate opponent and me. I stuck with my talking points on education, prop- what a huge impact it had on me when Ellen DeGeneres came out in erty taxes, and the like. He said he had just spoken with my opponent the ’90s. I still remember how it made me feel. She made me feel a and asked the same question. “She says the biggest difference be- sense of freedom, made me feel “normal.” If Ellen can come out, I tween the two of you is your sexuality. Will you respond to that?” It remember thinking, then maybe I can finally acknowledge this part was the end of a long day, perhaps that was why I couldn’t “pivot” at of myself. that point. I got choked up and became emotional. Then, the journal- At 22 I had my first girlfriend and came out to some friends and ist said to me, “I don’t know why anyone would run for office and family. By the time I was 30, I had come out to my mother and sib- put themselves on the line like this. JoCasta, I’m gay. I want you to lings and a few more friends. know that.” We’ll find a home for your business. But in 2010, as a candidate running for an open seat in the Wiscon- I went to the on-air interview the following day and they never sin State Legislature, I opted not to discuss my identity as a bisexual asked me about it. I believe this LGBTQ Latino journalist looked Contact Andrew Schmidt or Gregory Frahm at (608) 268-8100 www.AlexanderRE.com 22 22 Photographed by Timothy Hughes november / december 2013 november / december 2013 23 What’s Trending [youth & families] [youth & families] What’s Trending

Advocating for all the LGBT letters I am a minority in the minority. I am the only Teaching and learning about diversity PFLAG Hispanic serving and the only openly LGBTQ Madison Metropolitan School District Kay Heggestad, M.D., National Board member, Volunteer member of the Wisconsin State Assembly, Liz Lusk, GLBTQ resource support Regional Director, the Madison Chapter past president We are seeing that our elementary school fami- and yet I feel optimistic and energetic. PFLAG submitted an amicus brief to the Supreme lies are more in need of information around the Court this spring that emphasized the importance of My communities have a seat at the table because implications of multiple and overlapping diversities, I am there advocating for us every day that I walk marriage to same-sex couples and the impact on the children of 1 2 including gender, homophobia, and racism and their effects those couples. We believe that it was instrumental in helping the through the halls of our state capitol. on all youth. Currently there is a pilot in four of our buildings justices make the correct decisions regarding DOMA. 4 3 including new curriculum pieces in our social emotional learning We have seen other significant advances in civil rights over area. These help all youth understand and navigate the multiple our 40-year history, but we are concerned over the slow progress I have no doubt that we will repeal the ban on marriage equality in identities that our complex families negotiate every day. for people who are transgender and gender variant. The chap- Wisconsin. As Senator Baldwin and Congressman Pocan say, “It is At the secondary level (middle and high school), youth leaders ters have been working hard to make sure transgender people no longer a question of if; it is a question of when.” I am poised and are becoming a conscious part of our staff and student trainings. are represented and supported. PFLAG will not support any LGBT ready to move ahead in a strategic manner. Repealing the ban will A new speaker’s bureau and coordinating council are encourag- legislation unless it includes protections for transgender people. take two consecutive legislative sessions and then another election ing this effort, which is beginning training with a focus on gen- to be voted on by the people of Wisconsin. My party has to pick up der, our most requested topic. Also, as a part of youth leadership The kids are all right 1. At GSAFE’s Celebration of Leadership more Democratic seats so that I can make this a reality for so many development, our Gifted and Talented department, together Family Equality Council 2. With Senator Baldwin 3. Accepting a with the Gay Straight Alliance for Safe Schools (GSAFE), is begin- Fair Wisconsin Leadership Award with LGBTQ Wisconsinites. Kim Simes, regional director Milwaukee County Executive Chris Abele In the meantime, I hope to get another openly LGBTQ legislator ning a leadership development course in the second semester A generation of young adults with parent(s) who 4. In the Milwaukee Pride Parade elected in a special election on November 19. Elizabeth Coppola is for 9th and 10th grade youth of color with a focus on LGBTQ and are LGBT are increasingly speaking up about the running for the South Milwaukee seat that was recently vacated by other social-justice content. value of their families. Family Equality Council has out for me, if you will, and opted not to ask me on-air about my op- Rep. Mark Honadel. She has told me she greatly appreciates being created a program to harness the passion and power of these ponent’s comments. I do not know if some would argue that his deci- able to confer with me about running as an out candidate. The truth Aging with dignity, and with options young men and women. The Outspoken Generation empowers sion betrays journalistic integrity. But I would argue that his decision is that the honor is mine. Words cannot sufficiently describe what it Capitol Lakes Retirement them to share their stories and advocate for family equality on displayed humanity and understanding. means to me to be told by young LGBTQ men and women that my Tim Conroy, executive director the local, state, and national levels. Their most recent success A year and a half later, during the summer of 2012 and my first coming out has been impactful for them. It makes this journey that I Researchers have found that social engagement came this past spring, when members of the Outspoken Genera- re-election, I made the decision to come out. I met with my campaign am on so very worthwhile, and I often tell young people, “I’ll be at the is the key to aging successfully, and that social isola- tion were quoted in the Voices of Children Amicus Brief filed be- team. These were people who loved, respected, and absolutely sup- capitol, working hard for us, waiting for you to get here.” n tion hastens aging in a way no home-care service fore the U.S. Supreme Court in the DOMA and Prop 8 cases. The ported me. Yet, they wanted me to wait until after my election as I stories and the brief moved Justice Anthony Kennedy to remark had a primary opponent and they were concerned it would hurt me. how their voices were important to the discussion over marriage Representing the largest Latino population in the great state of Wis- equality and helped influence the Court’s eventual decision to consin, many people assume that my district is very Catholic and very strike down DOMA and return marriage to California. socially conservative. But I know my constituents. I knew they would stick with me. After all, they are pragmatic. Latino or not. Straight or Court challenges likely for parenting laws LGBTQ. Catholic or atheist. They want to know that I am working DeWitt Ross and Stevens hard for them. And in August of 2012, I handily won my first re- Lori A. Hickman, attorney election as an out candidate. It felt great. The Wisconsin Court of Appeals recently held that In 2006, Wisconsin voted in support of a ban on same-sex marriage a legal “non-parent” cannot be ordered to pay child in our state’s constitution. I was working for Fair Wisconsin as an or- support to a child’s biological parent. In re the Place- ganizer, hoping to defeat the ban, but I remember that cold November ment of A.M.K. 2011 AP 2660. The case arose out of the breakup night when we lost. I remember that the Democrats had great victories of a same-sex relationship in which one partner gave birth to the that night, but we lost. I was at our election night party in Milwaukee, parties’ child, and the parties raised the child together until their in the district I would go on to represent five years later. I tried to fight separation. the tears back, but my eyes kept welling up. I remember my friend Wisconsin law does not currently permit unmarried couples Alexa trying to reassure me by telling me that the Civil Rights move- to adopt together, nor does it permit an individual to adopt the ment had started in the 1940s, though it didn’t gain momentum for a biological child of his or her same-sex partner. A.M.K. illustrates couple of decades. why these laws are unlikely to withstand constitutional scrutiny Alexa was right. More than just tolerance, acceptance and love for when examined on the Fifth Amendment grounds used by the our community are growing at a fast pace, and I feel so lucky to be U.S. Supreme Court to strike down Section 3 of the Defense of able to witness it in my lifetime. And I long for the day that Wisconsin Marriage Act (DOMA) in United States v. Windsor. Just as the will repeal the ban on marriage equality. But with Republicans in con- Supreme Court found that DOMA created a class of “second-tier” trol, it will be a tough road. Even getting a symbolic resolution passed marriages, Wisconsin’s discriminatory marriage and adoption to recognize June as LGBT Pride month proved impossible. laws create a class of second-tier parents, lacking the same rights Today, Democrats are deep in the minority in the Republican-con- and responsibilities as their peers across the state. trolled Legislature. I am a minority in the minority. I am the only His- In Windsor, the Court observed DOMA’s financial harm to panic serving and the only openly LGBTQ member of the Wisconsin children by way of its effect on taxation and federal benefits for State Assembly, and yet I feel optimistic and energetic. I have a voice. families. A.M.K. shows how Wisconsin’s failure to grant legal par- My communities have a seat at the table because I am there advocat- ent status to both same-sex parents financially harms children ing for us every day that I walk through the halls of our state capitol. by creating a circumstance in which only one parent is legally obligated to provide for a child’s basic needs. 24 november / december 2013 november / decemberOfficial 2013 Partner 25 feature [youth & families] What’s Trending can remedy. As this fact becomes well known, more seniors will move from their homes to communities that offer vibrant social networks, along with services that help them maintain a healthy lifestyle. One popular type of community is a Continuing Care Retire- ment Community (CCRC), which offers independent living and skilled nursing care on the same campus, allowing residents to enjoy their retirement with peace of mind and security that nurs- ing services are available if needed. & acceptance Communities that are thriving offer choice. Food is a big sign of resident satisfaction. You will now find retirement communi- ties with an executive chef who prepares fresh local food on huge impact on an LGBT person’s life,” Acceptance Journeys Program a restaurant-style menu, not the buffet of days past. Activi- marketing love Coordinator Ciera Mckissick says. “People need to know that this is a big ties have evolved into lifelong learning opportunities. Lecture issue. Acceptance can save someone’s life. That’s a big deal.” series, classes, and speakers bring current and relevant issues to The campaign hopes to contradict some of the stereotypes and stigma residents. that are associated with gay men and to create a public discourse on ac- ceptance and love. Protections and support for youth increasing While the billboards are the most visible part of the campaign, the Children & Family Psychological Services most impactful aspect of the project may be the 64 story cards featuring Dennis Christopherson, mothers, fathers, friends, pastors, loved ones, and even Milwaukee Health psychologist & clinical social worker Commissioner Bevan Baker and Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett telling Recent trends, including more LGBT parents of stories about how they love and support an LGBT person in their life. color raising children in more diverse parts of the Story cards are used to engage people in conversations about accep- country and the variety of parenting options available (adop- tance and to encourage them to think about where they are in their own tion, surrogacy, friend donors), require awareness and sensitiv- journeys, varying from complete rejection to the utmost appreciation. The ity regarding complex intersections of multiple identities and goal is not to tell people they have to be accepting, but to encourage them circumstances that are informing innovative media campaigns to think about acceptance and what it means to the people in their lives. reaching out to youth (like the “You Matter” campaign from The messages on these cards and billboards are based on careful re- GMHC), community outreach efforts and counseling services. Diverse & Resilient’s Acceptance Journeys program uses families’ stories to lay the search conducted by the Acceptance Journeys team in partnership with Recent notable efforts to secure more legal protections Dr. Shawnika Hull, assistant professor of journalism and mass communi- include same-sex marriage victories in several states; a pro- groundwork for changing hearts and minds about LGBT lives. cation at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. posed cyberbullying penalty bill in Wisconsin; the Runaway and Hull used tools and strategies from traditional marketing and applied Homeless Youth Inclusion Act introduced in Washington by Reps. Gwen Moore (D-WI) and Mark Pocan (D-WI); and the Student cceptance Journeys, a social-marketing campaign from Di- Now Reid’s love for his son is emblazoned on billboards throughout Non-Discrimination Act by Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO), Rep. Ileana According to the Youth Risk and Behavior Survey of verse & Resilient, Wisconsin’s LGBT public health organiza- the City of Milwaukee. His son Desmond says that being part of Accep- Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL), and Sen. Al Franken (D-MN). a tion, is asking the Milwaukee community, “Whose life can you tance Journeys has been “an amazing opportunity.” Wisconsin high school students, LGBT teens are far change with love?” “Especially with my father,” says Desmond, “because most African more vulnerable than heterosexual teens. Addressing LGBTQ youth relationship violence The campaign launched three years ago and has gained momentum American gay men that I know tend to be accepted by their mothers and LGBT teens experience more bullying and violence Goodman Community Center through billboards and bus ads around the city of Milwaukee that feature not their fathers.” at school, have poorer physical and mental health, Anne Bolgert, UW graduate student & social-work intern changing taglines each year. The taglines may change, but the message is Reid remembers having gay cousins and friends when he was growing and are more likely to engage in risky behaviors. Studies have found that LGBTQ adolescents ex- always the same—love and acceptance of LGBT people. up. Those relationships made him more accepting of his son and other perience relationship violence at a higher rate than Mike Reid is a father of five. When his son Desmond Cotton told Reid LGBT people. He says he treats people how he wants to be treated. their heterosexual counterparts. Researchers have he was gay, his father asked him if he was happy. When Desmond replied But that isn’t the case for all LGBT people who come out to family, them to marketing for social change. First a community readiness assess- linked internalized homophobia and minority stress to both yes, his father said it was fine “as long as he was happy.” They speak on friends, and their communities. Behind the stories of love is a deep-rooted ment was completed to determine what level of acceptance the Milwau- victimization and perpetration of relationship violence among the phone every day. “I love my son with all my heart,” Reid says. issue that Acceptance Journeys seeks to address. kee community actually held. This included focus groups and phone in- LGBTQ adolescents. In 2009, the Centers for Disease Control came to Milwaukee to in- terviews with community members to gather opinions and test messages. vestigate the rising HIV epidemic among young African American gay “In order to develop messages that resonate with and influence the and bisexual men. The CDC found that although these young men did audience, we’ve got to have a deep understanding of the beliefs and mo- not engage in higher-risk behaviors, they faced many other barriers to tivations of the audience,“ Hull says. protecting themselves from HIV infection. At the root level, there was “We also recognize that this is a process—people don’t change over- a direct correlation between anti-gay discrimination and HIV risk and night. We wanted to avoid alienating our audience, so the messaging transmission. The problem was worse for LGBT men of color because of started out with very subtle references to acceptance of LGBT people segregation and racism playing a role in the stigma they faced. and has become more explicit over time,” she explains. By rolling out the Acceptance Journeys set out to tackle the HIV epidemic by tackling messages slowly, the campaign hopes to bring its community along on a anti-gay stigma, one of the main causes or social determinants underlying journey of acceptance. the epidemic. That goal turned into a widespread social-marketing cam- And it seems to be working. “We can already see attitudes starting paign to share stories of family and friends learning to accept and value to change,” notes Gary Hollander, PhD, president and CEO of Diverse their LGBT loved ones. & Resilient. “When our staff talk to community members at churches, “To have the love and support of people surrounding you can have a presentations or in focus groups, we’re hearing more and more messages

26 26 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 27 What’s Trending [youth & families] [youth & families] What’s Trending Overall, teens are unlikely to seek help from adults regarding among family members, which can lead to more satisfying family dating violence. If they do reach out, they tend to seek advice relationships. Instead of focusing on one person as the source of from peers. Adolescents who talk to adults report that their ex- the problem, families can learn to holistically understand their periences are often minimized or dismissed. LGBTQ adolescents unique relationship systems and how each member can contrib- face the additional stress of coming out to the adults in their ute to positive change. lives as they reveal their relationship violence. Despite this disheartening information, adults can help. Embracing a more expansive generation Because adolescents value advice from their peers, adults can UW-Madison LGBT Campus Center inform teens about relevant resources that adolescents can pass Gabriel Javier, director & assistant dean of students on to their struggling peers. Most importantly, adults need to One trend that we are seeing for incoming college communicate to teens that relationship violence, in both teen students is that they have high expectations for and adult relationships, is a serious issue that requires attention. LGBTQ life in college. Whether the first-year students Adults can create an open space for dialogue that acknowledges are coming from very supportive environments with Gay- that all individuals and all relationships, gay or straight, are participation in the agency’s youth programming. Straight Alliances or starting their college careers just beginning legitimate, important, and deserving of safety. “Eli has been more open with his friends and other family members to explore their LGBTQ identities, they are expecting classrooms Goodman Community Center offers several groups to empow- since his participation, and the overwhelming response of support and and clubs that celebrate their multiple identities to enrich their er high school youth, and this year will launch a group focused trust that he has received has given him the needed courage to truly stand college experience. This means that programming has to cater to on reducing relationship violence. up for himself and others,” he explains. an ever-expanding range of audiences, and how we talk about Crumble believes the project teaches people how to love and respect LGBTQ communities is more complex and diverse. Another trend The present and future of bullying in schools one another on a deeper level than what people’s minds, beliefs, and so- we are seeing is that people are more interested and eager to The Law Center for Children & Families ciety deem acceptable. He said it broke their hearts to know that their son explore gender identity and expression across a spectrum. These Matthew W. Giesfeldt, attorney felt he had to hide who he really was. explorations are inherently exciting and anxiety-producing, so Despite a growing national awareness of bullying, ”Being a part of Acceptance Journeys, in my opinion, has brought us our message has to be one of embracing potential ambiguity the Wisconsin Legislature has not yet taken a power- closer together as a family. We are able to get a deeper and more personal and supporting people as they find their true, authentic selves. ful stance against bullying in schools, nor have most These are just a few of the families whose stories are featured in the Acceptance Journeys campaign. understanding of Eli and who he is as a person,” Crumble says. local governments or school districts. In 2009, the Legislature en- The project is bringing families, friends, and loved ones closer. People Same-sex family readiness increasing acted Wis. Stat. § 118.46, which requires school districts to adopt of acceptance and love for LGBT people. This is what the project is all are coming to the realization that we are all in this together and that LGBT Wisconsin Fertility Institute a policy prohibiting bullying. However, the prohibition is largely about—people’s individual journeys and helping more people become people are everywhere. So to answer the question “Whose life can you Dr. David Olive, MD without teeth. Schools are only required to report and investi- supports for one another.” change with love?”—the answer might just be sitting right next to you. n A frequent concern of all couples, including those gate bullying. They are not required to prosecute alleged bullies Brenda Coley, director of special projects at Diverse & Resilient, be- in a same-sex partnership, is what the effect of chil- or support bullied students. Schools are left to their own devices lieves that allies hold a great deal of power in helping combat anti-gay dren will be upon the relationship. Because the pro- to determine whether to impose consequences on bullies and to discrimination. cess of obtaining children for same-sex couples is more involved, support bullied students in any way. “The work to end anti-LGBT stigma and discrimination cannot be there has been consideration that the resulting stress may be As an attorney who helps parents with school issues, the law done solely through the efforts of the LGBT community,” Coley says. more difficult for the pair to weather. However, social researchers provides me few prescribed paths to resolution or restitution “Certainly someone who has taken the time to accept an LGBT person have seen that most couples that enter the process have strong, for a bullied child. Instead, I talk to parents to find creative legal is the one who can best encourage others to do the same. Without these stable relationships that remain that way throughout the journey. and practical solutions when their children have been bullied. I friends and family members, I don’t believe the project would have the Indeed, the shared experience often enhances the relationship. identify parents’ relationships with educators and children’s edu- intended impact.” Questions have also been raised about the health and well- cational needs. I offer parents options to end the bullying and The former director of Centro Hispano High School on Milwaukee’s being of the children resulting from these unions. In general, help the bullied student: informal communication with school south side, Amy Crumble, is one such family member. She came to an Ac- children born from gamete donation (sperm or egg) show no professionals, addenda to special education plans, utilization of ceptance Journeys presentation because she wanted students at her school abnormalities in psychological adjustment, and there is no ap- particular school bullying policies, and even civil lawsuits. to feel safe regardless of their orientation. She was also interested person- parent increase in the rate of problematic parent-child relation- Although the legal options to resolve bullying are vague and ally, because her son Eli Cornier is transgender. ships. One particular area of concern, however, is stigmatization scarce, I believe that change is forthcoming. Last May, Monona Crumble saw discrimination and bullying through her work and of such children when they come from a same-sex parental mayor Robert E. Miller signed Monona Ordinance No. 5-13-645, through the eyes of her son. “Sometimes the bullying can be so bad that household. Studies have shown that when experiences of rejec- “An Ordinance Prohibiting Bullying and Harassment.” The ordi- students cannot even concentrate on academics and school,” says Crum- tion or bullying occur with such children, they are more likely to nance imposes civil liability to parents of bullies. The Legislature ble. She thought of her son Eli. “That hit on a personal level,” she adds. display problems in their psychosocial development. This issue is may take a stronger stance against bullying if more cities follow According to the Youth Risk and Behavior Survey of Wisconsin high particularly relevant in the United States, as homophobic stigma- Monona’s precedent. school students, LGBT teens are far more vulnerable than heterosexual tization is more common here than in many more enlightened teens. LGBT teens experience more bullying and violence at school, have countries (such as the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Bel- Family therapy to strengthen relationships poorer physical and mental health, and are more likely to engage in risky gium, and Canada). The danger is that the end result can be poor Atlas Counseling LLC behaviors. The Acceptance Journeys story cards featuring youth are used self-esteem in the children. It is important that families discuss Alexander Einsman, marriage & family therapist in schools and youth service organizations to promote acceptance. this issue openly and prepare for the possibility of exposure to Because members of a family inevitably grow and Eli believes acceptance is critical for young people to feel like they such immature taunting with a united familial response plan. change, the individuals within the family system are belong in this world. “I want to share my story because I’m sure a lot of Join Us continuously rebalancing their behavior to accom- teens can relate,” Eli says. “Having my parents be supportive has helped May 2-4, 2014 Pet adoption as important as ever modate. And while Facebook and other social media make it me deal with all the negative impact that people have inflicted. I would not Angel’s Wish Pet Adoption & Resource Center seem like we’re more connected, sometimes we lack connection be able to feel comfortable or loved without the support of my parents. “ Anne Coombes, board member with our own families. Khary Crumble, Eli’s stepfather, says he has witnessed a tremendous www.familyequality.org Angel’s Wish is excited to announce our fresh new When this occurs, and the family system suffers, it’s common growth in Eli since their involvement with the project last year and Eli’s look! Our new logo is bursting with purrrsonality! It to point fingers, rather than address the family as a whole. Many features our namesake kitten, Angel, surrounded by families are using family therapy to increase understanding several rainbow kitty friends and a dog, reflecting our primary 28 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 29 Our History by Richard Wagner [youth & families] What’s Trending

queen.” Dressed in his drag, Roy takes him to crash the junior prom where emphasis on helping homeless cats and kittens, and a smaller they do some dances together before punitive chaperons chase them out. number of dogs. Once in the Army, though, Peters cannot admit to being queer. Angel’s Wish volunteers specialize in playing matchmaker to Were Asked, Didn’t Tell… The worry about self-admitting was quite real. Peters had a crush on families with existing pets, creating blended families, as well another soldier named Danny Jackson. By now a sergeant, Peters wrote, “I as helping new pet owners start their families. At our weekend Much (part II) dreaded that the CO might order me to investigate Jackson as a ‘queer’ and adoption events held at our Verona Center, Petsmart East, and ‘undesirable.’ If that happened, my rational self would follow orders, even if Mounds-Fitchburg, we are well prepared to make great matches. LGBT soldiers’ stories are largely erased or forgotten, but some it meant a dishonorable discharge. What a hypocrite! While I hungered for In our retail store, we show adopters quality supplies to care for fascinating and important accounts of life as a gay man in the Jackson, I felt self-hatred and vowed to God that I would never sin again.” their newly adopted family member. This fall, we are improving Later, his superior, Major McKinney, told Peters, “‘This is confidential,’ he the selection of products we offer at competitive prices, with all Greatest Generation do exist. says. ‘But there are rumors about Jackson. Keep your eye on him, and let proceeds helping our mission. me know if anything untoward is going on. He pauses. ‘We’ve got to be on Besides their patriotic participation in the struggle top,’ he advises. ‘No perverts here.’” Improving our pets’ quality of life against fascism, gay Americans also remember the war Camp McCoy shows the typical World War Two camp in Wisconsin. Peters described how Jackson invited him to go to a lake near Heidel- bad dog frida years and the post-war years of the following McCarthy Truax Field had a similar military layout. berg where Danny would sun and acquire a tan. He wrote, “There are times Carmen Alcalde & Sue Hunter, Co-owners Era as not so friendly. Several stories of Wisconsin gays when I am gazing at him, when he suddenly looks up and catches me, We see families who take their dogs to shed light on this. The other soldier went on, “I know what jiggles your opens his legs (if he is seated), and smiles.” Further on, his self-prosecution classes to learn and develop their relation- Ted Pierce, an African American gay man who lived complex lead him to wonder, “Had the CO asked Danny to find me out, ship together, whether it’s family dog- most of his life on Madison’s Williamson Street and who tits, Peters. I’ve been around. I’ve seen them as he had asked me to investigate Danny. My paranoia was a mouthful of training classes; nose classes where dogs get to show off their was fond of French phrases, used the word “the Terror” straight off the farm smelling of cow shit. They’re ready bitter grapes.” keen sense of smell (far superior to ours); fly-ball, where a team from the French Revolution to describe the period. In an oral history de- to play. In the right light they show true colors. America sent these gay men to do their bit fighting the war, but they in of dogs work together in relay races and even cheer each other cades later he recalled, “There was a point in that period where you didn’t So, don’t hide from me, Mary.” turn were compelled to fight the Army’s and the larger society’s homopho- on; or agility classes, where dogs master the art of tunnels, bal- have to have any evidence that you could definitely say anybody was gay. bia which considered them unmanly and therefore unfit. And so, thus ance beams, and teeter-totters. Dogs create fun adventures for All you had to do was say you felt they were gay to the police, and the po- orably discharged all your benefits would be denied. Ted Pierce remem- would remain the status for gay and lesbian military personnel for more families that want to join in the learning with them. lice would investigate you extensively right down to the point of asking if bered the uncertainty and the anxiety of the period, and that his friend than another half-century. n One summer day, a family came in and announced proudly, you had wet dreams who was it you were seeing in your wet dream.” would phone “to let me know he was still not taken in.” “It’s our dog’s birthday.” They bought ice cream for their dog, Ted had a handsome boyfriend originally from St. Louis at the mili- Though for some 21 gay men at Truax who were “taken in” during the Dick Wagner ([email protected]), openly gay former Dane County Board Chair and opened it up, and while their dog ate the whole family sang tary base at Truax Field. There was a supposed concern about sensitive first half of 1945, they became guinea pigs in a research project. The re- co-chair of Governor Earl’s Commission on Lesbian and Gay Issues, is now working on gay happy birthday. We honor our dogs and cats. They are front and war equipment and possible blackmail of gay folks as security risks. He sults of the research were published in the Journal of Nervous & Mental Wisconsin history and welcomes topics and sources. center and we honor their extraordinary kinship with us. remembers the Army arresting people every day. And if you were dishon- Disease. It was noted all “these men voluntarily brought their homosexu- ality to the attention of the Chaplain, Unit Commander, or Medical Officer.” Apparently not much weight was given to religious and medical confiden- tiality in the Army of those days. It was noted, “They expressed a realistic Your day—your way anxiety that their homosexuality would lead to court martial.” All are welcome The researchers were Dr. E.L. Servinghaus of the then–Wisconsin Gener- Groceries al Hospital on the UW campus and Major John Chornyak of the Truax Army Just watch for this tag • commitment ceremonies, weddings and vow renewals Air Force Hospital. These two doctors had the men under observation in Willy West: 6825 University Ave., Middleton • (608) 284-7800 as Gifts • indoor & outdoor ceremonies up to 300 a psychiatric ward for diagnosis. The “homosexual men were required to Willy East: 1221 Williamson St., Madison • (608) 251-6776 throughout the store! • eco-friendly collect three 24-hour urine specimens for bioassay.” Another control group Open 7:30 am- 9:30pm daily • www.willystreet.coop • guest offi ciants and personal music welcome in the same ward of seven soldiers “with no reason to suspect homosexual • on-site wedding coordinator behavior” also provided samples, as did some research assistants. The purpose of the research, which proved inconclusive, was to seek an en- Contact us for a tour docrine explanation of homosexuality with perhaps an elevated level of • 608-836-1631, x100 the female hormone estrogen suspected of being present in homosexuals. • weddings@benedic� newomen.org The silver lining for gay people was that the good doctors concluded, • www.benedic� newomen.org/guestservices/weddings “In none of these cases was there a true neurotic type of conflict over the homosexuality as such.” Perhaps this was because in taking their case his- Holy Wisdom Monastery tories they found these men “had been aggressively homosexual both ac- • 4200 County Road M, Middleton, WI tively and passively since late childhood and early adolescence.” Robert Peters of Eagle River in his For You, LiLi Marlene: A Memoir of World War II discusses the atmosphere that kept him in self-denial during the war. When another soldier brushed the hair from his face and teased him that he sent out a “come take me” message, Peters records, he blurted out “I’m not queer.” The other soldier went on, “I know what jiggles your tits, Peters. I’ve been around. I’ve seen them straight off the farm smelling of cow shit. They’re ready to play. In the right light they show true colors. So, don’t hide from me, Mary.” Peters wrote, “The only homosexual I had earlier known well was Roy We’ve got great gift ideas. Kamen, a stocky senior at Wausau High School. Craggily handsome, he wore his black hair swept up in a pompadour. He effused an outrageous Here are a few, all of which humor. His general demeanor, while masculine, had a touch of the drag- are made in the USA!

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Clinic in Cottage Grove. Gunner has had a number of health prob- lems throughout his life, and we couldn’t have asked for better care. Creature Comforts Jozy and Alyx go to daycare once a week, where Tammie Moodie of Rolling-M Doggy Dude Ranch takes great care of them. They Ann Jakel & Peggy Stormoen introduce us to their four-legged come home so tired from the fresh air, playtime, and other dog cama- family members and the joys of taking them hunting, too. raderie, and of course the special love and attention from Tammie. Perfect presents for As for the kitten, our friend Randy has been visiting us and doing most of the bottle-feeding. The kitten likes riding in the car and has pets and pet lovers What kinds of animals are part of your family? What are the breeds? We have gone with us when we go out of town. a 13-year-old male Brittany named Gunner, a 5-year-old female 2094 atwood ave. • 442.6868 Brittany named Jozy, and a 4-year-old female Wirehaired Pointing What are your favorite places in town to go with your animal(s)? We like to Shop online baddogfrida.com Griffon named Alyx. We also have a rescued feral kitten that is about take the girls to doggy daycare where they can see their other favor- eight weeks old. ite human, Tammie, for all the loving they get, and play with other How do the pets meet your needs? Besides being great everyday compan- dogs. We like to take all three dogs to the land we own in Adams ions, our dogs are our hunting partners. Bird hunting is so much more County (they think it is one big dog park with furry and feathered enjoyable with the dogs. It is so much fun to watch them work in the friends) or to the public hunting grounds to hunt birds and burn up field. When Jozy and Alyx were younger and first being trained for lots of energy. hunting, we took them to NAVHDA training days and field-testing at As we travel we have discovered dog parks and areas to let them the DNR’s Mazomanie dog-training area. Part of the breeder’s con- run and stretch to make the longer trips more enjoyable. Of course tract was to have Alyx NAVHDA tested for natural ability. She scored they take us to Mounds pet store to show us all the great stuff like well in the upper percentile. Her hunting style is phenomenal. food, treats, birds, kittens, and other dogs; plus, if we behave, we get a Mounds candy bar. They also love to see Dr. Steve, Dr. Lynn, and How do you meet their needs? All the dogs love getting out and running the dedicated staff of animal lovers for the best care and love. Our and hunting. We try to get them out as often as possible. thanks go out to Deer Grove Veterinary Clinic for the very best care 535 Southing Grange To maintain their health, we take our pets to Deer Grove Veterinary in keeping our furry family members in the best of health. n Cottage Grove, WI 53527 608-839-5323 To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM www.deergrovevet.com [email protected] 32 32 Photographed by Steena Cirves november / december 2013 november / december 2013 33 A Full Service Small Animal Clinic quality of life our representative Marriage Equality in Our Time Rep. Mark Pocan details some of the struggles and successes on the road to member profile marriage equality, and the work yet to be done.

any of us in Wisconsin re- love would be respected and treated fairly, name: member November 7, 2006, our major breakthrough occurred: the Vivienne Andersen as a dark and sad day for our Supreme Court came down on the side of title: m state—the day the constitutional amend- equality, justice, and love by striking down Realtor ment defining marriage instilled hate in our the Defense of Marriage Act. employer: constitution. I still recall looking over the I was standing right outside the Supreme Keller Williams faces of many of my friends—both gay and Court when the decision was handed down, straight—who fought long and hard against and the outpouring of pure relief, joy, and Vivienne is a full time Realtor with Keller the law, and I could sense some of them happiness was overwhelming. It had been Congressman Mark Pocan stands outside of the United States Williams, a career that she describes as thought, at that moment, that the prospects of decided—no more would thousands of lov- Supreme Court on June 26 as the decision striking down the “way more fun than it should be,” and she equality in their lifetimes were dim at best. ing gay and lesbian couples see their mar- Defense of Marriage Act is announced. means it. “I make home buying fun by taking the complexity and fear out of the riages ignored by the federal government, process for my clients, I enjoy educating leaving them without the protections oppo- we now have the public, the courts, and the my clients and facilitating their major life site-sex married couples enjoy. DOMA had Constitution on our side. But in a year of transitions. I never thought I could be this now taken its rightful place in our country’s milestones for the equality movement, the elated with any career!” she enthuses. history books, and the LGBTQ community federal government must continue to lead She also spends 20 hours a week as the was now viewed as no more and no less than and ensure equal rights and benefits for all Team Ministry Facilitator at Lake Edge we had always wanted—as equals. its civil servants. That’s why this fall, Sen. Lutheran Church, where she uses the skills she learned in her previous career But the gutting of DOMA was not the Tammy Baldwin and I introduced the bipar- as a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran only victory that summer day. With the tisan, bicameral Domestic Partnership Ben- Church in America. dismissal of the Prop 8 case, thousands of efits and Obligations Act. Our bill protects The ruling means that all same-sex couples and families in California federal employees in same-sex domestic could once again have their love respected partnerships who don’t live in states that rec- married same-sex couples AnnuAl under the law. ognize marriage equality by granting them that live in Wisconsin Still, many questions remained about how the same rights, protections, and obligations can now receive all the law would be implemented and how afforded to heterosexual married couples. federal marriage-based many same-sex couples would actually be Already, almost 60 percent of Fortune 500 dinneR tax benefits, including affected. Fortunately, we have continued companies and 19 State governments offer Save the date: February 6, 2014 employee benefits and to see the federal government come down same-sex domestic partner benefits. The bill child tax credits. on the side of equality and inclusion. The would empower federal agencies to compete oVeRtuRe centeR Department of Defense, which less than with the private sector and state govern- two years prior had kicked brave service ments for the best and brightest employees. But I knew that if we kept on fighting, we members out of the military if it discovered But we know we have more work to do. would eventually tear down the prejudices they were gay, announced it would provide Until all 50 states in our union, including that were stubbornly holding on for dear life. full benefits to married same-sex couples. Wisconsin, recognize all love equally, there And we kept fighting. Within a year, we Further, it would allow troops in same-sex will be too many people made to feel unwor- passed a law in the Wisconsin State As- relationships to take 10 days of noncharge- thy merely for who they are and whom they sembly that provided 43 legal protections to able leave to travel to a jurisdiction where love. We have 36 states to go, and while the same-sex couples—the first set of such laws that marriage was legal. odds may seem long, they are no longer than in a state with a constitutional amendment. And then in August, the Treasury Depart- that day seven years ago when our constitu- A year later, the country elected Barack ment announced it would recognize all tion took a turn for the worse. We didn’t stop Obama as president of the United States, our legally married same-sex couples, regardless fighting then, and we will not stop fight- first vocal pro-equality president, and the of whether they lived in a state that recog- ing now. From the halls of Congress to the first president to publically support marriage nizes same-sex marriage. The ruling means streets of Madison, I am as confident as ever equality. By the spring of 2013, 58 percent that all married same-sex couples that live that our quest for equal rights will prevail. n of the country—including 81 percent of in Wisconsin can now receive all federal people ages 18 to 29—supported same-sex marriage-based tax benefits, including em- Following 14 years in the Wisconsin State Assembly, openmAdiSon.oRg marriage, and 93 million Americans lived in ployee benefits and child tax credits. Those Congressman Mark Pocan was sworn in on January 3, states that recognized same-sex marriage. benefits will stay with you no matter which 2013, as the U.S. Representative for Wisconsin’s second And then on June 26, 2013, after decades state you live in. district, which includes Dane, Green, Iowa, LaFayette, table captains can purchase of fighting for a country where everyone’s The case for equality has been settled: Sauk, and portions of Rock and Richland counties. a table of 8 for $400. $55 for members Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com $75 for non-members 34 34 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 35 quality of life A team of experienced lawyers committed our health recruiting to the rights of the LGBT Community. and of violence? Why do we continue to talk ties. Many L, G, B, and T people experience new paddlers. about lesbian and bisexual women as one a lack of acceptance and internalized phobias From Bad to Worse: population? What other health disparities do that contribute to minority stress. However, bisexuals experience? A quick look at data we often to fail to consider our own experi- Bisexuals Experience Even Greater on smoking shows bisexual men and women ences when we use stereotypes against others smoke at a higher rate than other sexual within L, G, B, and T communities. minority individuals. Is everything worse? I said there wouldn’t be any answers in Health Disparities? In a quest for why and with hopes for this article—yet. However, there are some prevention, I circled back around to social next steps. First, we need a good idea of all Molly Hermman explores the physical consequences of bisexual invisibility. determinants of health and the role of minor- the health issues where bisexuals are dispro- ity stress. In-fighting in LGBT communities portionately represented, data that will be once again appears. Bisexual people do not limited by samples that ask respondents for e so often say “LGBT” like it’s stood out from non-LGB youth. Within that just hear bi-phobia from heterosexuals, but sexual orientation and sex of sex partners. all one monolithic community. LGB group, however, bisexuals showed the from Ls and Gs, too. To what extent, if any, And we need to confirm whether we really no experience necessary. w Then we debate the addition of greatest disparity, with 60 percent of bisex- do the following stereotypes about bisexuals mean bisexual women, or bisexual men and “Q,” which often leaves “LGBT” out there ual youth reporting depression, compared to contribute to poor mental health, unhealthy women. In some data sets, the two are not • Wills on its own, as if “elgeebeetee” is a given. lesbian and gay (46 percent), unsure (44 per- coping mechanisms, internalized bi-phobia, separated. Next, we need to listen. We need • Power of Attorneys Several years ago, I did some research on cent) and heterosexual (20 percent) youth. and on and on? to find a way to hear from a community • Partnership Agreements Further, bisexual was the most frequent that does not have a community and may • Guardianships identity named within lesbian, gay, and bi- • Stereotype 1: Bisexuality is just a phase on the be kept silent in lesbian, gay, and hetero- • Adoption sexual respondents. In other words, when L, way to coming out as gay or lesbian. sexual communities. We know LGBT people • Child Custody Disputes G, and B youth were lumped together, any • Stereotype 2: Bisexuals are promiscuous; experience health disparities; we need to pay • Non-traditional Families points to be made about “LGB” as a group they want to sleep with everyone. attention when it is even worse for any part • Mediation were largely influenced by the experiences of our community. n of bisexuals. Both stereotypes and others about bisexual The second data set was from the Na- people point to the same conclusion—that bi- Molly Herrmann is an activist, researcher, trainer, and 131 West Wilson St., Madison, WI 53703 tional Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence sexuality is not a real identity. I’ve also heard consultant on LGBT intimate partner violence (IPV) with 608-259-8702 b-rlaw.com Survey (NISVS). In 2013, the Centers for bisexual people say that they are not accept- Humble Pie Consulting. She also currently works as a health 220 WEST BROADWAY, MONONA, WI. 53716 608-223-9300 Disease Control and Prevention released ed by heterosexual or gay/lesbian communi- educator in the state AIDS/HIV Program. Mon-Fri 10am-8pm Saturday 10am-6pm Sunday 11pm-5pm Six years later, bisexual The National Intimate Partner and Sexual people, especially Violence Survey: 2010 Findings on Victim- women, are showing ization by Sexual Orientation. NISVS asks up in LGBT health data a series of questions about experiences of as experiencing greater violence and includes questions about sexual disparities than other orientation and the sex of the abusive part- groups. ner. A few areas showed significantly higher experiences of violence for bisexual women.

LGBT community readiness to address inti- • Forty-four percent of lesbian women, 61 mate-partner violence. I was part of a team percent of bisexual women, and 35 percent that interviewed and scored readiness for of heterosexual women experienced rape, each of L, G, B, and T. I learned some things physical violence, and/or stalking by an about bisexual people that I never knew intimate partner in their lifetime. before. Mostly, I learned that I have more • Approximately 1 in 5 bisexual women (22 questions. Where are bisexual people? When percent) and nearly 1 in 10 heterosexual they chuckled when we used the phrase “bi- women (9 percent) have been raped by an sexual community,” saying they didn’t have intimate partner in their lifetime. www.techmadison.com one…well…what did that mean? Six years • Approximately 1 in 8 lesbian women (13 later, bisexual people, especially women, are percent), nearly half of bisexual women (46 showing up in LGBT health data as experi- percent), and 1 in 6 heterosexual women (17 [ Secure Online Backups ] encing greater disparities than other groups. percent) have been raped in their lifetime. [ Virus & Malware Protection ] As I began writing this article, I realized this This translates to an estimated 214,000 lesbian women, 1.5 million bisexual women, [ Remote & On-site Support ] would not be one with answers, but one that led to more questions. and 19 million heterosexual women. [ Personal Shopping ] Two data sets in particular showed a [ Website Design & Hosting ] glaring difference. In Wisconsin 2011 Youth These data lead to even more questions. [ Network & Server Monitoring ] Risk Behavior Survey data, the negative Why do bisexual people, and women in par- [ Disaster Recovery Planning ] mental-health experiences of LGB youth ticular, experience high levels of depression Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com

(36608) 616-5674 36 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 37 quality of life our intersections Thrilled & Terrified: Stages of Racial Organizational Development: The Affirmative Action or The Multicultural The Anti-Racist The LGBT Campus Center at University of Wisconsin- The All-White Club “Token” Organization Organization Organization Madison is featuring UW alums making a difference in A Story of Race & Transformation the LGBTQ community. Each of these proud Badgers have reinvested their UW educations and experiences towards GSAFE co-director Kristen Petroshius explains the difficult but important Groups that, without trying, Organizations committed Groups that reflect the Organizations that integrate making the world a better place for LGBTQ people to live, find themselves with an to eliminating racial contributions and interests racial justice into their work, and learn. To learn how you can be involved with process of bringing racial justice into the mission for LGBTQ equality. all-white organization. discrimination in hiring and of diverse cultural and social programs, culture, norms, the LGBT Campus Center and reinvest in your community, Many times they have promotion, often with clear groups in their mission, policies, and procedures— visit lgbt.wisc.edu. developed plans to get more goals and benchmarks for operations, products, and helping white people work hen I become co-director of groups really couldn’t change? people of color involved in staff diversity. There may be services. They actively recruit together and challenge each GSAFE two years ago, I was im- In spring 2012, my co-director, Brian their group. However, when one or two people of color and welcome hiring people other around issues of racism, thank you! w mediately thrilled and terrified. Juchems, and I asked our board to commit people of color join the group, in leadership positions. For of color and celebrate having share power with people of A large part of my passion about working for financial resources and time for the entire they are essentially asked to fit people of color, coming into a diverse staff and board. color, take leadership from GSAFE was particularly to bring my racial- staff and board to participate in a racial- into the existing culture. Many the organization feels like People of color are still asked and be accountable to people justice leadership skills to an organization. justice organizational-development consult- leave after a frustrating period little more than tokenism, as to join the dominant culture of color, and feel comfortable Some board members and staff were moti- ing process over the course of a year. After of trying to be heard. there is no larger commitment and fit in. with being uncomfortable vated to help GSAFE transform from what talking through people’s concerns in a series to racial justice beyond staff and understand that we are all of rather challenging conversations, we diversity. learning all the time. committed to training during board meet- ings for the next year. While our training Source: Standing Together, Coming Out for Racial Justice: An Anti-Racist Organizational Development Toolkit for LGBT Equality Groups and Activists focused on models of racial organizational by Basic Rights Education Fund. development, best practices from other organizations, naming white privilege and community. Upon hearing of my job offer, lives, issues, needs, and solutions that no color opinion,” and different people of color Thank you to all the faculty, racism within GSAFE, practicing interrupt- one friend of mine called and brought me one of us or small group of us ever can simply have different opinions. While this is staff, students, and alums who ing racism, and describing GSAFE’s racial- to tears in sharing her enthusiasm: “Kris- grasp this multilayered complexity all on all incredibly complex, I choose to hold the justice work externally, our end goal was the ten, I want my son and your son and every our own. Relationships and accountability as “both/and” of this work and sit in the tension helped us make National Com- creation of a racial-justice work plan to iden- kid of color to be able to go to school and individuals and as an organization are key to that there is never an easy resolution to these tify concrete policies, practices, and cultural wear a dress if he wants and have a crush holding true through the journey. issues and that authenticity to myself is a ing Out Day 2013 a smashing People often say, changes to make as well as the creation of a on whoever he wants. We need a GSAFE Authenticity to Myself success by marching with us in “What starts white, “Change Team” responsible for implement- that can make this freedom possible for the Homecoming Parade and stays white.” What if I ing those changes across the organization. our kids, too, and I believe you can make it The concept of accountability is far Proudly LGBT-identified put everything I had to We have come far in a year in that we have happen.” With this support comes account- from a simple one, however. While I need cheering us on along the route! offer into helping GSAFE successfully completed our initial training ability. As a white person, I will never fully to intentionally hear and hold myself ac- Identity-Affirming become a racial-justice and created a work plan, and are implement- understand the impacts of racism and white countable to community members, espe- organization and failed? ing it through the Change Team. While we cially people of color, I also need to be my Counseling & Learn more about our programs are still a predominantly white organization, Many predominantly authentic self. This means accepting the fact and how to make an impact by we are multiracial. We also recognize that white organizations begin that my approach may at times be different Assessment Services visiting us online: lgbt.wisc.edu began as an all-white organization that rarely while we have come far, we have a long conversations of race with than what some people of color expect of thought about race to a multiracial racial- way to go and are only at the beginning of a a goal of recruiting more me. As a white person, I approach my work Live, love, achieve more fully justice organization with people of color in continual, long-term process. people of color to join their with white people from a place of love and Feel better about yourself badger pride 2013! compassion—understanding that we are leadership at all levels of the organization. Two years into my work at GSAFE, I’ve organization. While this speaks Become more resilient to life’s The challenge of leading such a process taken the opportunity to reflect on some all at different points on the same journey, to white privilege in itself by ups & downs of incorporating a racial-justice frame- initial lessons learned. This work can be that any ignorance or unchecked privilege work to our mission of creating schools in challenging, and, unfortunately, there are demonstrating entitlement witnessed in another is likely something Wisconsin where all LGBTQ youth can few predominantly white organizations or that our own (white) work I, too, have expressed at some point in my • Stress, Anxiety & Depression Management is the most important, this • Individual, Couples’ & Child Therapy thrive excited me. This work was the natural individuals we can look to for leadership life. I focus on building relationships with • Parent Consultation & Support progression of all my knowledge, skills, on these issues. It is my hope that through approach also confuses a white people and their full selves, of meet- • Coping with Learning Disorders, relationships, and work leading up to that sharing some of our own learning, other means for an end. ing people where they’re at, and working Trauma & Addictions point. At the same time, the challenge of predominantly white organizations and with a persistent patience—knowing that • Performance Enhancement leading such a process brought me much individuals can reflect on concrete principles privilege on our world, my own psyche, the this work is challenging and takes time. At anxiety. People often say, “What starts and actions they can take to incorporate work of GSAFE, and the lives of LGBTQ times some people of color have considered Dennis white, stays white.” What if I put everything racial justice into their own work. youth, which makes it essential that I am me to be too patient or too forgiving, have Christoffersen I had to offer into helping GSAFE become a accountable to leaders of color. At the same grown frustrated that the change is not fast Support & Accountability Psy.D., LCSW, CSAC lgbt.wisc.edu racial-justice organization and failed? Would time, none of us can ever do this work alone, enough, or have judged me as being “sold Division of Student Life 608.265.3344 My move to GSAFE came from my own University of Wisconsin-Madison 123 Red Gym it be a reflection that transformation was regardless of our race. Our big, bold dreams out” or “not down.” These sentiments are 716 Langdon St impossible? Would all my efforts as an ally passion and drive but also from the requests of schools where all LGBTQ youth thrive further complicated by the fact that there Child & Family Psychological Services the LGBTC Campus Center is a unit of the Division of Student Life be pointless if, in the end, white people or and charge of many people of color in the requires an understanding of such diverse is no such thing as a monolithic “people of at the University of Wisconsin-Madison 437 South Yellowstone Drive, Suite # 218 Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com Madison • 53719 • (608) 288-1882

38 38 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 39 Available Evenings & Weekends quality of life our intersections

core value I am not willing to compromise. nantly white organizations begin conversa- and accountably as possible, and move for- October 13 | GSAFE’s Walk/Run/Eat for Safe Schools White culture often leads white people to- tions of race with a goal of recruiting more ward through the fire toward our vision. We wards a desire to be perfect, avoid mistakes, people of color to join their organization. cannot let fear of mistakes or the lack of a and understand things in rather simplistic, While this speaks to white privilege in itself clear single path prevent us from advancing binary ways, which means that those of us by demonstrating entitlement that our own the work. We need to change, change is the who are white can easily interpret “account- (white) work is the most important, this unknown, and the unknown is scary. ability to people of color” as deference to approach also confuses a means for an end. Push Forward/Take Care people of color. However, one-dimensional In becoming a racial-justice organization, deference will not help us advance our work. GSAFE could have decided to stay pre- Racial-justice work is hard on everyone We need real, complicated solutions to these dominantly white but become a strong ally involved. It can be emotionally draining, real, complicated realities—and that requires organization on issues of racial justice. It is mentally exhausting, and all-around over- the critical, honest, engaged perspectives of because of our statewide scope and the need whelming. As hard as it is, with all the fears all of us. This also means that those of us for more leadership development opportuni- and challenges, we also just need to do it. New Harvest Foundation who are white take the risk that sometimes ties for LGBTQ youth of color across Wis- At the same time, we need to be intentional is the only foundation in South Central by sharing our opinions we may be revealing consin that our board, staff, and community about taking care of ourselves along the way. Wisconsin that channels charitable our ignorance, resting on our white privi- leaders felt it important for us to set as a goal When my emotions are spent, I need time to contributions exclusively to organizations lege, making a mistake, or causing someone becoming a multiracial organization with rejuvenate. When I am mentally exhausted, working to promote lesbian, gay, bisexual pain. We all need to build systems of support people of color in leadership at all levels of I need to say “I don’t know” and come back and transgender (LGBT) rights, services, and resiliency to bounce back from these the organization. In this regard, diversity is to the issue another time. When I am over- culture and community development. moments, as they are inevitable in this work. a component to becoming a racial-justice whelmed, I need to link the current moment Founded in 1984, New Harvest Foundation If these moments don’t come up, the work organization, but not an end goal in itself nor to our bigger vision and stay grounded in the probably isn’t happening with any realness. the only path to racial-justice work. process. is operated by a Board of Directors, along with other volunteers. It pools contributions Diversity vs. Racial Justice Critical Resource Questions At the same time, there are moments in life where we have to demand intensity of of hundreds of donors each year to provide While feedback from leaders of color In developing a plan for change, GSAFE ourselves to dig down deep and just push grant money to LGBT causes. We raise and white leaders engaged in racial justice became the host organization for a statewide forward, knowing this will not always be the money to give back! alongside our board and staff training moved Educational Justice Coalition and is devel- nature of the work (think: having a newborn Ashwaubenon H.S. – GSA us in the direction of becoming a multiracial oping a new program focused specifically on baby, being in college, or training for a mar- of HIV transmission among young black Beaver Dam H.S. – GSA organization, this was not necessarily the building the leadership of LGBTQ students athon). This is currently the time of GSAFE. men who have sex with men in the Mil- Beloit Memorial H.S. – GSA Applying for a grant just got C lubs outcome when we began. Many predomi- of color in Madison public high schools While we are multiracial, we are still pre- waukee school district, ensuring culturally Chilton H.S. – GSA easier. The entire process can be (to launch in January 2014!). In order to do dominantly white and “in transition”—and competent curriculum and school staff that Deerfield H.S. – GSA completed online. “I want to support my gay and that work, we needed to grow, and in order there is a lot of pain experienced in this par- represent the diversity of the student body, DeForest H.S. – GSA Evansville H.S. – GSA Three times a year, New Harvest to grow we needed more resources. While ticular phase of organizational development. advocating for adequate funding of public S imilar lesbian friends. I’m just not sure how Fond du Lac H.S. – GSA accepts – from individuals, groups internally and externally both white people We have a big, bold vision of expanding our schools, building Gay-Straight Alliances or where to do it.” Green Bay East H.S. – GSA and/or organizations – innovative and and people of color gave us feedback that programs and staff while strengthening our that create coalitions with student-of-color Lake Mills H.S. – GSA compelling project proposals that seek this work is essential as an end goal, initially infrastructure, and we need to make progress clubs, prohibiting the use of Native mas- Madison Blackhawk M.S. – GSA to address the unmet or undermet needs

developing it as a predominantly white on some critical benchmarks quickly to get cots in schools, demanding full inclusion and (GSA) Madison Cherokee M.S. – GSA of LGBT individuals and groups in our organization positions us to be reinforc- us through the pain of this current state as and respect of transgender and gender Madison East H.S. – GSA communities, striving to create positive ing racism—the common practice of white quickly as possible. Our end goal of being non-conforming students, and develop- Madison La Follette H.S. – GSA change in the areas of social service, social Madison Memorial H.S. – GSA organizations raising money to work with a racial-justice organization will always be ing restorative justice practices and model Madison O’Keeffe M.S. – GSA change, public education, health care, arts people of color, as though people of color a process and never an end, AND different codes of conduct to address discipline and culture, and development of LGBT

A lliances Madison Sennett M.S. – GSA are not worthy of receiving money to cre- moments call for different needs. I firmly issues in ways that repair harm and keep Madison Sherman M.S. – GSA communities. These projects empower ate solutions in their own communities. believe that the balance of pushing for- young people in school. Safety is a critical Madison Spring Harbor M.S. – Equality for All/GSA and support our lesbian, gay, bisexual, and Madison West H.S. – GSA transgender communities. pflag-madison.org • [email protected] Additionally, while many people of color ward and taking care of ourselves is core to component to thriving in high school— and white people are excited to see us move developing as an organization, sustaining and so are discipline, achievement, and Madison Whitehorse M.S. – GSA voicemail: 608-848-2333 McFarland H.S. – GSA racial-justice work forward, many people the work for the long haul, and maintaining the quality of education. In creating an y-S traight McFarland M.S. – GSA

of color in particular often simultaneously our own enthusiasm, capacity, and sense of organization for LGBTQ people to bring G a Menomonie H.S. – GSA Support Us experience fear and trepidation to see us do fulfillment as a staff and board. our full selves, let us remember that we are Middleton H.S. – Sexuality and Gender Equality You can make a secure donation on our it. We need to understand that our work rests Keeping Our Eyes on the Prize LGBTQ and also Latin@, black, Native (SAGE) website or contact us for information about on over five hundred years of racism, of too American, Asian, Asian American, white, Monona Grove H.S. – GSA planned giving. Please consider joining one many stories of white organizations taking With all of its challenges, it’s important and multiracial; migrants and people born Mount Horeb H.S. – Straight And Gay Alliance of our committees, volunteering at an event, over, taking credit, holding power, tokeniz- that we keep our eyes on the prize—the in this country; people with disabilities and W isconsin (SAGA) Oregon H.S. – GSA or becoming a member of our board. ing, co-opting, stealing, blaming, lying or bigger picture of what we hope GSAFE can able-bodied people; low-income, working of Oshkosh West H.S. – GSA just being ignorant. As long as we continue achieve. Our vision is for all LGBTQ youth class, middle class, and wealthy people; Sheboygan North H.S. – GSA to be a predominantly white organization, to thrive in schools across Wisconsin. For transgender, cisgender, Two Spirit, and South Milwaukee H.S. – GSA this tension will continue. At the same time, this to happen, we must include in our vision gender non-conforming people. In the LG- Sun Prairie H.S. – GSA A Member of I firmly believe that we need to stay true to dismantling the school-to-prison pipeline, BTQ community, let us build organizations sample A Waunakee H.S. – GSA our visions, hold ourselves as authentically ending AIDS and particularly the high rate that can truly reflect all of who we are.n West De Pere H.S. – GSA Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com newharvestfoundation.org Find us on Facebook! 40 40 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 41 quality of life our money MADISON SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA John DeMain | Music Director Once at Full Retirement Age, the lower-earning spouse’s monthly Social Security Rules for benefit will be the higher of either their personal benefit or the Concert + Party with other Young Professionals Married Couples equivalent of half their working spouse’s full retirement benefit. CONCERT: Financial advisor Carrie Waters Schmidt lays out the nitty gritty of what married A Madison Symphony Christmas (and divorced) same-sex couples can expect from Social Security benefits. have been married to the worker for at least featuring the Madison Symphony ten years, and remain unmarried. The divorced Orchestra, Madison Symphony Chorus, Madison Youth Choirs, Spousal Benefits spouse can claim these benefits as early as age ow that the courts have ruled in 62, as long as the worker is at least 62 at the and Mt. Zion Gospel Choir favor of equality and same-sex mar- To qualify for spousal benefits, the couple time of the claim, and they are not dependent n riage has become a lawful act in the must be married for a minimum of one contin- on whether the ex-spouse has remarried. PARTY: Join Triple M’s Jonathan Suttin, the musicians, eyes of the federal government, what does uous year. What are spousal benefits? They’re As I have told many of my clients, I am a and fellow music lovers for hors d’oeuvres, desserts, and that translate to in terms of same-sex married payments made by Social Security to either a financial planner, which means I am qualified drink specials. couples and Social Security benefits? non-working spouse or a much-lower-earning to give advice on lots of issues—but whether Fri., Dec. 6 In many cases, there’s good news to report. spouse based on the breadwinner’s work you and your partner should get married is not 7:30 pm Concert • Overture Hall The good news is that you and your spouse history. Once at Full Retirement Age (FRA), one of them! But if you are at all consider- the lower-earning spouse’s monthly benefit ing taking that plunge, you should know that Post-Concert Party Fresco Restaurant & Lounge will be the higher of either their personal the clock is ticking in the eyes of the Social benefit or the equivalent of half their work- Security Administration, and therefore you ing spouse’s full retirement benefit. Benefits shouldn’t let time slip by. n $30/person for concert & party can be claimed prior to reaching FRA, but the Reserve by Wed., Dec. 4 monthly benefit amount would be permanent- Carrie Waters Schmidt is a registered representative of at (608) 257-3734 ly reduced based on the number of months up Lincoln Financial Advisors Corp., a broker/dealer (member or madisonsymphony.org/club201 to his or her full retirement age. SIPC) and registered investment advisor. This information The earliest at which spousal benefits can should not be construed as legal or tax advice. You may want be claimed is age 62, but the working spouse to consult a legal or tax advisor regarding this material as it Presented by Media Sponsors must either be receiving or be eligible to relates to your personal circumstances. Social Security offers a receive retirement or disability benefits. spousal benefit to married At this moment, the ACLU of Wisconsin is (and even in some cases, encouraging all Wisconsin registered domes- divorced) couples, as tic partners to apply for spousal benefits. This well as a widow/widower is a result of Wisconsin’s Chapter 852, which benefit that is based on treats domestic partners no differently than married couples—the standard in the Social the higher-earning spouse. Security statute. The main variable in determining whether one Widow/Widower Benefits can base their benefits on Generally, in order for a survivor to qualify those of their spouse is the for widow or widower benefits, the couple length of time they have must have been married for at least nine been married. months. Note that this can be waived in spe- cial circumstances. If the survivor is at their FRA, he or she will receive 100 percent of the now have a greater chance of receiving each deceased worker’s benefit. Survivor’s benefits other’s Social Security benefits. If you’re not can be paid as early as age 60 but at a reduced familiar with these yet, let’s get you up to amount. If children under age 16 are involved, With rapidly changing laws affecting the GLBT speed: Social Security offers a spousal benefit the survivor’s benefits can be received at any community, you need a team to protect you to married (and even in some cases, divorced) age as long as the survivor is caring for the couples, as well as a widow/widower benefit deceased worker’s child. Another small but today and to be ahead of the wave tomorrow. that is based on the higher-earning spouse. notable benefit from Social Security is a $255 Learn more about Madison’s only full-service This is big for families that had a stay-at- one-time social security death benefit paid to law rm at dewittross.com. home parent, or where one of the parents went widows and widowers. part-time while the children were in school. Divorced Spousal Benefits The main variable in determining whether one can base their benefits on those of their spouse To qualify for benefits as a divorced spouse is the length of time they have been married. based on the ex’s worker record, one must

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42 42 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 43 quality of life ATLAS Atlas our issues Counselingllc of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot Your financial needs COUNSELING LLC love … What must we do in order to under- 608.535.9285 The Trouble with Identity stand a person? We must have time; we must practice looking deeply into this person. We are unique. Mind +Alexander Body FocusEinsman Connie North explores both the benefits and limitations of must be there, attentive; we must observe.” MS LMFT Whether you want to provide for your loved ones, support the organizations that are Identities can get in the way of such Relationship Therapy our inborn and chosen identities. important to you, or plan for your own comfortable retirement, I can help you plan for understanding if we do not use them with Hypnosis• Mind + Body Focus your goals. I’ll look at all aspects of your finances, then find solutions that are right for • caution and care. To be sure, identities like your unique needs. And as your goals and needs change, I’ll be there to adjust your plan Relationship Therapy —Andrew Solomon LGBTQ Affirming “Difference unites us.” identities may reflect recessive genes, ran- “lesbian,” “genderqueer,” and “ally” can and help put your dreams within reach. • Hypnosis • EMDR dom mutations, prenatal influences, or values help us to feel a part of this world and human • LGBTQ Affirming aveat: I do not aspire to criticize and preferences that child does not share condition. We can experience an intimate Our Advisors. Your Dreams. MORE WITHIN REACH® 608.535.9285 identities, which often contribute to with his progenitors [e.g., a gay identity for bond with others on account of a shared his- AtlasMadison.com a meaningful sense of belonging and the child of straight parents]. tory and/or way of expressing ourselves and/ Call me today at (608) 819.0520 purpose. On their own, identities do not muck I propose that identities, whether inherited or way of showing up in the world. But they Shannon Anderson, CFP® 2501 W Beltline Hwy. Alexander Einsman, MS LMFT up much. Our relationships to identities, how- from our ancestors or socially constructed are not our entirety. Professional Ste. 301 ever, can create massive suffering. Therefore, via peers, can promote both a sense of con- Moreover, in the realm of human differ- Financial Advisor Madison, WI 53713 ATLASMADISON.COM how we relate to our identities is my focus. nectedness and of alienation. The moment ence, we often seek “premature transcen- 608-819-0520 Andrew Solomon’s depiction of vertical we use identity as a shortcut—a cardboard dence,” a term I heard from Tara Brach at a and horizontal identities in his book Far from cutout of ourselves—is when identity limits daylong retreat. We want to gloss over the [email protected] the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search our sense of wholeness and freedom. many ways our lives differ to feel a connec- for Identity helps to clarify what “identity” For example, a young man sorting through tion with others, to arrive at an understand- www.ameripriseadvisors.com/ shannon.m.anderson his complicated sexual feelings initially finds ing how our differences unite us. “I don’t see spaciousness in a horizontal bisexual identity. skin color,” represents a common statement When he shares this newborn identity with of such mythical unity in this so-called others, he mostly encounters judgments: “post-racial” era. “You’re just afraid to say that you’re re- Our differences can be very beautiful. ally gay.” “Bisexuality isn’t real.” “Figure To paraphrase Solomon, they can allow us yourself out!” He starts to believe both these to inhabit the world’s wideness rather than Ameriprise Financial Services, Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC. Ameriprise Financial cannot guarantee future judgments and that something is deeply simply observe it from a distance. When financial results. 2013 Ameriprise Financial, Inc. All rights reserved. wrong with him. He is not defective in just we make differences a solid entity, however his sexual identity, but throughout—he is a (i.e., I am this, forever and always), we lose flaw. Having become intimate with shame, he sight of how we are more than the sum of I propose that identities, open 24 hourS mon-fri and until midnight Sat/Sun LGBTQ-Affirming & Experienced inhabits a new identity: “messed up.” Messed our parts, and that greater whole is noble and whether inherited from up actually represents a vertical identity, as worthy of love and peace. As Jack Kornfield our ancestors or socially it has been in the family for generations and, wrote in his article “Discovering Our Nobil- constructed via peers, like “anxious,” fits like a glove. The “traits” ity: A Psychology of Original Goodness” in David can promote both a sense of shame and anxiety already appeared in Shambhala Sun, “Our belief in a limited and Lacocque, of connectedness and of his childhood. As full-blown identities, they impoverished identity is such a strong habit alienation. The moment we reveal themselves in statements like, “I am a that without it we are afraid we wouldn’t Psy.D. use identity as a shortcut failure.” “I am afraid.” These identities soon know how to be…yet some part of us knows proud cover over a vibrant young life and make that the frightened and damaged self is not to Support Licensed is when identity limits our breathing, let alone inhabiting the present who we are. Each of us needs to find our way aidS network Psychologist sense of wholeness and moment, difficult. This moment, after all, is to be whole and free.” community ShareS freedom. dynamic and multifaceted, unlike the identi- May we therefore each awaken from our ties in which the young man now drowns. narrow storylines of who we are so that Such an overly simplistic biography we can recognize our own sacredness, live • We are a small locally owned grocery store I can help you: can and does mean to many people: mimics our frequent use of identity labels by from that larger awareness, and recognize • Serving downtown Madison since 1983 glossing over the many details and contexts sacredness in others. And, may we not make Live authentically Because of the transmission of identity • Helping organizations that make downtown Madison from one generation to the next, most chil- that make up ever-changing human lives. “sacredness” into another identity that pre- Overcome depression, anxiety, dren share at least some traits with their par- Our reductive versions of people frequently vents us from understanding others’ and our a better place to live, shop and work ents. These are vertical identities. Attributes show up in everyday language: “She’s bipo- own struggles as well as the evolving nature • Proudly diverse customer base low self-esteem n and values are passed down from one parent lar. What do you expect?” “That’s because of understanding—of love. • Walk to the store — Free delivery with $40 purchase! Improve your relationship to child across the generations not only he’s trans.” “This is what depressed people through strands of DNA, but also through do.” “Biracial people think like that.” Connie North is a psychotherapist in Madison with an MS • Order on line ($4.95 shopping fee) and delivery is FREE Thrive in life shared cultural norms...Often, however, A re-humanizing alternative to such us/ in marriage and family therapy and PhD in education. someone has an inherent or acquired trait them renderings is the belief that love She uses a mindfulness-based, justice-oriented approach Free initial phone consultation: that is foreign to his or her parents and must requires understanding. As Thich Nhat Hanh and has taught and written about LGBTQI, equity, and capcentremarket.com therefore acquire identity from a peer group. wrote in True Love: A Practice for Awaken- diversity issues. More information about her is located at ing the Heart, “Understanding is the essence connienorth.com. www.drlacocque.com This is a horizontal identity. Such horizontal 111 n. broom St. (608) 358-6868 Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com (corner of broom & mifflin) 608-255-2616 702 N. Blackhawk Ave. Free Parking 44 44 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 45 quality of life our rights implement” the DOMA decision and to could be made that the evasion statute applies provide more uniformity among the agencies to same-sex marriages. The marriage evasion We’re Federally Recognized Now when it comes to same-sex marriage. It seems statute is an archaic law enacted in 1915 with clear that this uniformity is to adopt the “place the intention of preventing interracial marriag- Attorney Christopher Krimmer explains the hundreds of marriage rights of celebration” rule among as many federal es, but it hasn’t been repealed and remains “on now available to same-sex spouses who live in Wisconsin. agencies as possible. Currently, the Department the books.” Although no gay or lesbian couple of Labor, the IRS, Department of Defense, has been prosecuted under the statute, it is still Office of Personnel Management, and the U.S. a real consideration for the couple contemplat- ince 2004, when Massachusetts became in granting the 1,106 federal benefits, rights, Citizenship and Immigration Services have ing marriage outside of the state. n the first state to grant same-sex mar- and privileges associated with marriage. The all adopted the “place of celebration” rule. riages, Wisconsin couples have traveled Supreme Court held that this section of DOMA This means that there are hundreds of federal Christopher Krimmer teaches Sexual Orientation and s the Law at Marquette Law School. His law practice focuses out of state to wed. Now that 14 states, the was unconstitutional on equal protection, due benefits now available to same-sex couples in District of Columbia, and Canada all permit process, and “states’ rights” grounds. Wisconsin who have married. It also means on nontraditional-family protections (b-rlaw.com). same-sex marriages, Wisconsin same-sex As a direct result of the DOMA decision, there are federal obligations and disadvantages couples marrying out of state has become even couples who wed and resided in a “recognition that couples now have as married couples more commonplace. Although these weddings state” (a state that recognizes same-sex mar- as well. For example, a Wisconsin same-sex meant a great deal to the two spouses on a riages) were granted all of the state and federal couple who married out of state now must personal level, the couple understood that once rights of marriage. now file a joint federal tax return or a “married they returned to Wisconsin, the legal impact The trickier part of the DOMA decision filing separately.” An individual federal tax re- of the marriage was ceremonial only. The hun- was how to address same-sex marriages that turn is no longer an option for them. This may dreds of state rights and 1,106 federal benefits occurred in a recognition state, but the couple or may not be a benefit for them depending on reside in one of the other 37 states, including the income of each spouse. Wisconsin, that prohibit same-sex marriage. As of the submission of this article, the Clearly, they would not be entitled to the state federal programs that still recognize the “place marriage rights since those rights are governed of residence” rule include the Social Security Egg Donation Gestational Surrogacy by state law. But what about the federal ben- Administration, the Department of Veterans Embryo Donation efits of marriage? Would those rights become Affairs, Medicaid, and Medicare. This seems Christie Olsen available to couples who live in a non-recogni- to be changing weekly, so you will want to Founder & Nurse Practitioner tion state such as Wisconsin? be diligent in staying informed of any new www.forwardfertility.com The answer hinges on the understand- developments. ing of the “place of residence” and “place of For up-to-date information on the various Currently, the Department celebration” rules. The best way to understand agencies and whether they adopt the “place of of Labor, the IRS, the distinction is to consider that most federal celebration” rule or “place of residence” rule, rights are tied to different federal programs or you can visit Balisle & Roberson, S.C.’s website Department of Defense, agencies. The Social Security Administration, at b-rlaw.com and click on “Non-Traditional Office of Personnel the IRS, the Department of Labor, and the Families.” This will also provide a summary of Management, and the U.S. Department of Defense are only a few. Each the most significant federal rights now available Achieve the dream Citizenship and Immigration program determines whether you are entitled to same-sex married couples in the state. Services have all adopted to marriage benefits by one of two standards. A word of caution: Before jumping in the the “place of celebration” Some programs will grant the benefits if your car to wed in Minnesota or Iowa, the couple of home ownership marriage is valid in the state in which you must consider our state’s marriage evasion stat- rule. This means that there reside. This is the “place of residence” rule. ute, which makes it a crime, punishable by a are hundreds of federal Since Wisconsin doesn’t recognize same-sex fine not exceeding $10,000 and/or 9 months in To find out how you can get into the home of your benefits now available marriage, the federal programs that rely on the jail, to leave the state to enter into a marriage dreams, call Mike today. to same-sex couples in “place of residence” rule are not available to that is void under our state laws. Since we have • Buyer’s Edge® – first-time homebuyers program Wisconsin who have married same-sex couples. a constitutional amendment prohibiting the • Fixed- and adjustable-rate mortgages married. Other federal programs have adopted a granting of same-sex marriages, an argument different rule. These other programs will grant • New construction loans benefits if your marriage is valid in the state • Refinancing associated with marriage were not available to in which you married. This is the “place of • Providing statewide support to the community them. That all changed this past summer when celebration” rule. So, if you married in one of the U.S. Supreme Court issued its decision in the 14 states, D.C., Canada, and other countries 608.577.4277 | quigleydecks.com the Defense of Marriage Act case. that recognize same-sex marriage, you would Michael Fumelle QUALITY MATERIALS + QUALITY CRAFTSMANSHIP = LASTING BEAUTY The Supreme Court invalidated Section 3 be entitled to these federal benefits even 4402 East Towne Blvd. of DOMA, which had prohibited the federal though you live in Wisconsin. 608-259-4263 Decks & Porches government from recognizing same-sex mar- President Obama responded to the DOMA Michael.Fumelle@ Cable Railings riages. This meant that even though a state may decision by bringing together a task force of AssociatedBank.com have decided to grant same-sex marriages, the the heads of the various federal agencies. The NMLS ID: 523546 Fences federal government would ignore that marriage objective of the task force was to “swiftly Deck Lighting Subject to credit approval. Equal Housing Lender. Associated Bank, N.A. is a Member FDIC and Associated Banc-Corp. (4/12) 1336 Gazebos Have Our Lives mailed directly to you. Subscribe at: ourlivesmadison.com Arbors, Pergolas & Trellises 46 46 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 47 quality of life our taste If You Build It, We Will Come The owners of Ground Zero coffeehouse and Cargo Coffee, Lindsey and Lynn Lee, eye their next location in the new Constellation development on East Washington Avenue.

ho doesn’t love great food or great coffee? If you’ve ever w stopped in to the Ground Zero coffeehouse or Cargo Cof- fee in Madison, then you’ve had both. Lindsey Lee and his twin brother, Lynn, are the owners of Ground Zero (on Williamson St.) and Cargo Coffee (on Park St.). The brothers Lee are about to open their third cof- fee shop, this time in a brand-new building on East Washington Avenue. If you’ve driven west on East Washington recently, you’ve no doubt Breakfast Creative observed the construction of an apartment building on the north side of and Lunch Cupcakes served daily baked the road. This high-rise apartment complex is called The Constellation, Dinner served in-house and on the ground level you will soon see the Lee brothers’ third coffee Tuesdays daily. shop (also called Cargo Coffee). through Lindsey arrived in Madison in the usual way (grad school) with his Saturdays wife, Elizabeth. After an eight-year run in grad school, he concluded that this path was not working for him. Finding himself unemployed, he D eGra ff The Lee brothers, I an

did some soul-searching to decide on what he did or didn’t want to do. y Lynn and Lindsey (L to R) The idea of opening a coffee shop seemed to stick, so with the help of b inside Ground Zero Lynn and their father, the Lees built Ground Zero from the ground up coffeehouse (inset). P hotos in 1997. Back then, the only other coffee shop in the area was Mother 2827 Atwood Ave Fool’s. And many people wondered (out loud), just how many coffee that there would never be a third (608) 241-2200 shops did this neighborhood need? But they quickly put an end to the coffee shop,” says Lynn. Both info@daisycafeand cupcakery.com naysayers by becoming a rousing success. men are very hands-on business While Ground Zero was busy growing here in Madison, Lynn was still owners. Both are at the shops living in San Francisco with his partner, where he owned an art gallery daily. Both are very involved that represented 25 local artists, along with his own work. Lynn earned with the neighborhoods where Cafe/Bakery Fresh, Daily Lunch his BFA in Michigan, but he also possessed a vast amount of experi- each coffee shop is located (neighborhood associations, city planning Menu Items ence in retail. In fact, both Lee brothers grew up working for their father, councils, etc). And both felt that they had enough on their plates, as far who owned a hat store in Flint, Mich. So when the opportunity to own as their businesses were concerned. And then… Coffee Fair Trade Ancora a second coffee shop presented itself, Lynn decided it was time to move One day, a business owner by the name of Otto Gebhardt (owner Perfect Companions Coffee Bar back to the Midwest to help his brother of The Constellation) contacted Lindsey out of the blue. Well, maybe and run the new store. Cargo Coffee on not the blue. Once upon a time, Lindsey had worked with Gebhardt’s Smoothies deserveorder wisconsin�e best cheese Fresh Fruit, Chocolate Park Street was born, and again the Lee mother on another project. She liked the Lee brothers very much. So, and Espresso brothers worked their magic, and the when Mr. Gebhardt told his mother about his plan for The Constellation, artisan boxes for any occasion business has been very successful. she told him about Lindsey and Lynn. After some deliberations, sleep- Knitting Yarns, Accessories As the road goes by, families be- less nights, and several caffeine-fueled discussions, the Lee brothers’ and Classes gin to grow. Children come along and question turned from “How could we?” to “How could we not?” We use local produce and cheese lives change. “In fact, Lindsey swore Lucky for us, we’ll all get to see how this next chapter unfolds. The store is slated to open in January of 2014. Both Lynn and Lindsey are very excited to meet their new neighbors and to begin weaving their 608-848-2755 125 S. Main Street, Verona, WI knitandsip.com store into the fabric of this new neighborhood. They’ll be offering a Lindsey Lee visiting lovely space to hang out in and lots of delightful sandwiches, soups, and the location in Local ingredients • gluten free OPEN: so on, as well as the convenience of a drive-thru window for those of CaTerIng aVaIlable the Constellation Monday development (inset) us who seem to be perpetually in motion. And I look forward to sitting 5-9 Italian • Mediterranean for the next Cargo down with my own family in their newest location for a coffee and a Tuesday- Coffee. sandwich and to revel in that new-coffeehouse smell. —Jeanne Benink Thursday 11-2, 5-9 Friday Jeanne Benink is a Madison chef and the sole owner 11-2, 5-10 of Simply Served Personal Chef Service. Her Saturday friends often call her the soup guru, and she truly 11-10 does have passion for exploring soups and stews from all over the world. You can find her online at Sunday 5-9 simplyservedpersonalchef.com www.fromagination.com artisanal cheeses & perfect companions™ To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM To advertise, contact us at: OURLIVESMADISON.COM open 24/7 • fromagination.com • shipping nationwide VISIT us at: 204•7004 bunkyscafe.net 48 2425 Atwood Ave, Madison 48 november / december 2013 november / december 2013 49 49 quality of life our future leaders

I plan on making a foundation called Let’s Make It Work, where we help people in need in the community. I had intended to move to Chicago to study, but over the summer I Proudly serving Madison for 6 years! realized that this community needs me.

N Being myself made me realize how strongly my school needed

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a Gay Straight Alliance. I began working with two advisors, n

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A r and that year we did our first Day of Silence, something that s s o r n e

turned out pretty well. Then, the summer before my junior year, k S c t a P I attended the Leadership Training Institute for the Gay Straight / Take a smart step towards a healthier smile! 3 1 Alliance for Safe Schools. 1 MATC • General, Cosmetic and Implant Dentistry Without this camp, I would not be the person I am today. LTI TRUAX helped me discover that even though I came from a small, closed- • Evening Appointments minded town, I was not the only one, and that there were other Johnso Johnson St/113 n S people to help me achieve the things we wanted for our GSA. t Junior year was the big year for our group. We wanted to • Children Welcome! make our school better and safer for the queer students who were 608-241-8782 attending Fond du Lac High School. Overall we accomplished www.smartdentalmadison.com • Most insurance accepted including 2317 International Ln, Suite 101 many victories, such as doubling the participation in the Day of Delta Dental & Momentum Madison, WI 53704 Silence. My senior year, I had the privilege of co-leading the GSA Tamim Sifri, DDS with my best friend, Cassidy Duquaine. Since it was our senior year, we wanted to make it the best year and advocate as much as we could. Throughout the year we accomplished many things, and we also helped to build strong new leaders and members in the GSA so that it could continue to grow in the years to come. In the spring of my senior year, I was awarded the Youth Scholarship for GSAFE. It was an honor to receive it, as I thought I would never have a chance. I never expect anything in return for what I do, so it was truly amazing to receive the scholarship and to give a speech in front of so many advocates, especially my mom. My mother has always been there for me, and without her I would not be who I am today. She has done everything in her power to provide for us not only financially, but also emotionally. Reaching Out to Bring Together I thank my mom for everything, even though she had a hard time Vicente Lezama has been a driving force for LGBTQ rights when I came out to her. I think that’s why I want to continue and acceptance at Fond du Lac High School and now hopes to helping my community more, because I want to make her proud. I want to change the world. I want to make a world in which we continue that work in the larger Wisconsin community. all care for each other and accept each other for who we are: human beings who can live in harmony. ay. Mexican. Catholic. Single-Parented. Immigrant. Since I am living at home while studying cosmetology, I am Lower Class. glad that I get to continue making a difference in my community g These labels are mine for the rest of my life, but they through GSAFE. I am still part of my school’s GSA as an advisor. will never stop me from achieving what I dream of doing In the future, I hope to create a group similar to the GSA, but in with my life and creating a better world along the way. My name the community, where adults can advocate and talk about their is Vicente Lezama, and I came to the United States at the age of stories, too. I plan on making a foundation called Let’s Make nine knowing only one English phrase: “Thank you.” I have come It Work, where we help people in need in the community. I had a long way from who I was when I first arrived to who I am now. intended to move to Chicago to study, but over the summer I It wasn’t until high school that I found my passion for being a realized that this community needs me. Once I have accomplished leader and for being involved in school clubs. It was also during my mission here, maybe then it will be my time to fly away and my sophomore year that I stopped denying who I truly was, a continue putting smiles on people’s faces and making a difference proud gay man. in other locations around the world. Gracias. n

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50 Photographed by Eric Baillies november / december 2013 november / december 2013 51 52 november / december 2013