L E GA L L I FE AN D H U M OU R

COM PI L E D AND E DI TE D

JOSE PH H E I GH T ON n;

H ODDE R AND STOUGHTON

L O NDO N NE W Y O R K TO R ONTO

C O N T E N T S

CHAPTE R I

W IT I N I E S ERM N , PART I

CHAPTE R II

Y W Y AND AGI TRATE —W I ’I‘ I N I WITT LA ERS M S S S ERM NE , PART II

CHAPTER III — BY GONE L EGAL W ITS JUDI CIAL HUMOUR OF THE OL D

D Y A S , PART I

CHAPTE R I ! — BY GONE L E GAL W I Ts JUDICI AL HUMOUR OF THE OL D

DAY S , PART II

CHAPTER !

HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR CONTENTS

CHAPTER !I

PAC ! HUMOURI STS OF THE I RISH BAR

CHAPTER !I I

HUMOURI STS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

CHAPTER !III

HUMOURS OF TI IE DOCK

CHA PTER I X

W I DOM I AND M I LI C S , W T HU OUR N THE PO E COURTS

CHAPTER X

HUMOU RS OF THE WITNESS Box

CHAPTER XI

HUMOU RS OF THE JURY Box

CHAPTER XI I

’ — HUMOURS OF FAMOUS L AW YERS W ILLS AMUSIN G

BEQUESTS OF SPITEFUL TESTATORS

CHAPTER I

W ITS IN ERMINE

PART I

-B n e n d t h n wi a co . Judg es ought t o be mor lea r e a tt y .

I T is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour , because , for the most part , the judges ” who r expound it have none , writes Mr . Justice Da ling , ’ the sprightly Ariel of the King s Bench as he has been “

i ae . termed , in his delightful book Scint ll Juris From which it would seem that Mr . Justice Darling agrees with the contention of many people that the gentlemen Sitting - f of on the Bench to day su fer from a deficiency humour , although they may at times endeavour to force a note of levity into the proceedings . The fact , however , that r his Mr . Justice Da ling qualifies statement with the “ ” r t o a sk wo ds for the most part , leads one the pertinent question : Does he include himself in the indict ? f ment If he does , he must assuredly su fer severely of f from the bump unconscious humour, an a fliction borne with much resignation by the irrepressible Mr . Plowden , his or who plaintively says in autobiography, Grain Chaff Often I have sat on the Bench suffering from a violent of headache or an attack neuralgia , in the most melancholy of a frame mind , and have been am zed , when I opened my s of newspaper the following morning , to find ome my ’ Plowdenisms remarks headed , More Funny . 9 I O W ITS IN ERMINE

of Then again , what Judge Parry , wit , author, drama t s i t . as well as judge ; Mr Justice Eve , genial humourist Bucknill Ba r ra ve and wit ; Justices , g Deane , Rentoul a ncedot es ? and Channell , whose are the delight of the Bar As humourists they may not have such a wide reputation as Mr . Justice Darling , but this is probably due to the fact that they do not air their j ocularity quite so much as he does . one Lightheartedness , indeed , may be said to be of the m ri o . main characte stics f Mr . Justice Darling He see s to have entered upon his profession without serious ” u thought . When I was yo ng , he says , I was very wa s idle , and my guardian asked me what I going to do of to earn my living . I thi—nk he gave me the selection several unpleasant ways all ways seemed unpleasant . so : I knew nothing about them , and I said Oh , very ’ ’ well , I ll be a solicitor, and I began to be a solicitor ; but it appeared to me after a short time that I might so a s of not be idle I wished . I made the acquaintance a who few other people , said to me If you really wish to of r be completely idle , probably for the rest you natural ’ s o life , you had better be a barrister . And I became one for r s— , and I can assure you that seve al year indeed , —I ” for many years realised the height of my ambition . ” wa s Since then , My little Darling , as he playfully a l ha s c led some years ago by the late Lord Brampton , l endeavoured to en iven the law with quips , j okes and f epigrams , the bantering of plainti fs , defendants and

counsel , and , at times , his fellow judges . There are so times when he looks and acts like a boy , never more than when he leans back in his chair and j oins in hearty laughter at some naive remark from the Bar or the witness

box . His fondness for a j oke at the expense of anyone who f r a fords him an oppo tunity, is illustrated by an incident ’ b which occurred in the King s Bench Division in Octo er , 1 1 1 t 9 , when Sir George Douglas , Bar , of Springwood e a s Park , Kelso , Scotland , who had b en summoned a Special j uror in respect of his London residence in WITS IN ERMINE I I

E nnismore W Gardens , asked to be excused from serving not on the ground that he resided in Scotland , and did occupy his London house . The following dialogue then ensued DO ou on Mr . Justice Darling y serve juries in Scotland

Sir George Douglas I have never done so , but I am liable to be called upon to serve . I have not occupied n my tow house for eighteen months , and I have had to come up specially from Scotland to answer this j ury ” summons .

Mr . Justice Darling When do you want to go back ” No Scotsman wants to go back . t o I want go back at once . TO-day No t o- morrow . t o Mr . Justice Darling The temptation remain is that you may make a guinea . Well , Sir George , the circumstance of a Scotsman wishing to return to Scotland when he could make money by remaining in England is ” so exceptional that I will excuse you . t oo There were some amusing passages , , in an appeal r elf case which came before Justices Da ling and J , sitting 1 0 as a Divisional Court in 9 9 , the chief point raised being whether a farmer had a right to allow his sheep ’ t o graze on a grouse moor to the detriment of the owner s

Shooting . The County Court j udge had refused an injunction , giving small damages only against the farmer, and the landowner asked that a perpetual inj unction u Sho ld be issued .

Mr . Justice Darling t o the solicitor for the landowner : This migration of sheep seems a general movement of ’ back to the land . Solicitor : My client appreciates that a s long as they ” off his keep land . ” DO s o s the heep m le t the grouse ? queried Mr . Justice ” ou e e ? Darling , and is that why y sugg st they hav horns Solicitor : The grouse like the sheep there is a kind ” of f a fection between them . 1 2 WITS IN ERMINE

r M . Justice Darling : Then the sheep go to visit the grouse If you succeed with your argument we wil l have people coming to the Court asking for injunctions to ’ ” prevent grouse from flying over farmers lands .

In dismissing the appeal , his lordship said he thought it would be necessary to introduce obese or in active cattle so n ot into Yorkshire , that they would wander on the hi . s moors For, said lordship

Mount a in sheep a re sweete r An d va lley sh e ep a re fa tt er ; W e t h ere fore t h ou ght it me et er r To c ult iva te t h e la t t e .

During the trial at Exeter Assizes some years ago of a civil action in which the feoffees of certain church s lands were defendants , the latter created much amu ement ” by their varied pronunciations of the word feoffees . ” “ ” - fifees fe- o- — Some said fee fees , others , or fees any one r pronunciation but the correct . There being rathe of a large number them to be called , Mr . Justice Darling promptly turned to counsel engaged for the defendants and said

Mr . B as your clients do not seem to be able l to agree as to what they should ca l themselves , might I u suggest , in order to avoid confusion , that they sho ld during the rest of the hearing call themselves Fee-fi-fo ’ fums . It was also at the Exeter Assizes that the following r incident occur ed .

Mr . Justice Darling (examining the original correspond ence in a breach of promise action) to counsel for the ff e h h plainti Mr . H what do thes ieroglyp ics at the bottom of this letter mean ? f . r o Mr H Oh , in that so t letter , my lord , ” those crosses are supposed to represent kisses .

Mr . Justice Darling : Indeed . In the part of the ount r we y I come from call it treble X , and it refers to g ” eer . u i n There was another occasion when , d r ng the heari g WITS I N ERMI NE 1 3

of a certain case , Mr . Justice Darling had occasion to remonstrate with a barrister for his reading of a technical point . You will pardon me , my lord , said the latter , but , perhaps I may remind you that you argued a case in a ” f. similar way yoursel when you were at the Bar . ” I admit it , said his lordship , in that suave way wa s which he has made his own , but that the fault of ” ho the judge w allowed it .

And no one appreciated the joke more , although it Da nkwert s . K . C was against himself , than Mr , who , when he was asked in a certain case who made the t ra n sla tion from the German of a document to which he had : referred , replied ’ ” God knows . I don t . Da nk ert s r . w Are you quite su e , Mr , Mr . Justice his Darling quietly remarked , with a twinkle in eye , that s P what i not known by you , is known at all l s . . K . . C He also once had a y dig at Mr F E Smith , . on out of - Mr . Justice Darling , getting a taxi cab at the on e his Law Courts day, grazed shin against the door , and having to send for some ointment , was consequently on late in taking his seat the Bench . On entering the Court he apologised to the jury for having kept them

on . . . r waiting , which Mr F E Smith exp essed the hope ” wa s that it nothing serious , to which the Judge replied : i n o Thank you , Mr . Smith , no there w ll be vacancy at present . There was another occasion when a prosy counsel was giving a monotonous disquisition on the powers of a i a County Council in restricting cert n manufactures , and gravely informed his lordship that gut-scraping wa s a

r . ou i dange ous trade Then , according to y , all v olinists wa s should be prosecuted , the immediate and serene o reply f the Judge . Even in his early days he could not resist the temptation d to joke in Court . When a junior he was once engage s in a case at Session , which lasted long after the Court 1 4 WITS IN ERMINE

o t e usually closed f r the day . At length h chairman : ce blandly said Do you noti the hands of the clock , wa s h ? . e t e Mr . Darling Mr Darling , who addr ssing sir t o a jury , replied , They seem to me , , be in their norm l ” of position at this time day . wa of His impressions , by the y, the House of Commons are very amusing . He considers the House a very good public school , with the advantage over the ordinary public a ed not la a mes there e con esses th school th t you n e p yg . H f a t he always had a strong antipathy to playing games . But he has a passion for hunting and a weakness for painting m pictures , while he laughed up his Sleeve for so e time when people were disput—ing the authorship of Medi ta tions in the Tea Room for it wa s written by Sir Charles himself . ’ Perhaps the best illustration of Mr . Justice Eve s is a f ec delightful sense of humour that forded by a spe h , ” a which might be entitled The Politic l Meat Market , which he made at the annual dinner of the Sava ge Club 1 1 1 c wa s e in December , 9 . Sentence after senten e pun t ua t ed w e e ith laughter as Mr . Justic Eve thus propos d the toast of the Club h d I have been hoping , he said , t at the inner off might never come , that the Savage Club might be w of our Swept away ith the rest institutions , that , by some midnight amendment introduced into the Insurance n ot Bill , it might be suppressed as being a society approved u of n i for by the partic lar shade Celtic Calvi ism wh ch , a n d l the moment , brooded over the face , a most threatened to obliterate the features of our once happy and smil ing community . But the occasion has arrived with an f ” ostentatious and o fensive punctuality .

r r Mr . v re In p epa ation for his task , Justice Eve a er d he had wrestled unavailingly with several volumes of t d the E ncyclopa dia Britannica . Paren hetically a n ” is n pathetically, he interpolated , my edition the inth . I have ten supplemental volumes and a Times oa k book se a nd so a s e f ca , far I am concerned , no r asonable Of er will be refused . WITS I N ERMINE 1 5

e ae Overthrown in my encount r with the Encyclop dia , I studied a certain work on the habits and customs of savages , from which I gathered that it was the custom among certain tribes that captives taken in war were f r the kept for a time and fattened or barte . When fa t t ee wa s fattening process was complete , the led round the tents of the tribe and would-be purchasers cha l ked on his body the particular joints they would desire . f With what alacrity the Su fragists , if they could catch out ! H ow of him , would chalk the Prime Minister much ’ Mr . John Redmond would be left for the second day s ’

. O Brien cut on soup if Mr Healy and Mr . had a at him the first day I believe there are some persons here who would not be averse from a state of things which would give them the opportunity of bespeaking a nice brisket , of r with plenty c ackling , from the pachydermatous hide of the Great Spoliator of our domestic servants . I cannot imagine that anybody who has not cultivated a depraved appetite for drum -sticks a n d scrag ends of of neck mutton could anticipate , with any gastronomic of for pleasure , the dismemberment the senior member or -u of the City of London (Mr . Balfour) the carving p the member for the University of Oxford (Lord Hugh

After a tribute t o the useful work which the Club formed in sweetening and deepening human intercourse , the speaker went on to sa y that he was credibly informed that the Government , flushed with the overwhelming unanimity with which their recent legislation had been received , and intoxicated with the indescribable welcome which awaited the Commissioners who were to regulate domestic life , and the inspectors who would shortly be hanging about areas and kitchens , proposed to make further experiments in the same direction , and that they would , within a short period , make the following appointments

. e t o be o of Mr Keir Hardi C mmissioner Clothing , with o a s t o w a o a nd plenary p wer to legislate hat he dgear . c ats , 1 6 WITS IN ERMINE

’ never-mention- ems are to be worn on State ceremonia l

and other occasions .

Sir Thomas Whittaker and Mr . Leif Jones to be Joint

Commissioners of Drink , with power to legislate for the

extermination of hydrophobia . r Certain Commissione s of Pleasure , with power to ’ suppress all places of entertainment excepting Julia s ’ ’ W hitfield s Bower , Tabernacle , Regent s Park Chapel , and one t o court in the Chancery Division , be presided over

by my brother Darling . of Right Rev . the Bishop (a bachelor) to be l Commissioner of Popu ation , with power to bring about , of by all reputable means , the production large families n ot who principally by persons who do want them , and have neither the means nor the intention adequately of supporting them . who The gentleman is at present , I think , First of Commissioner the Cocoa Islands , and , I think , the ’ editor of the expurgated edition of Ruff s Guide to the ’ r Turf , to be Commissione of Sport , with power to suppress the r Derby, the Boat Race , football , c icket , golf, ping i pong , dominoes , draughts , and all other games into wh ch of or d the element chance enters , which may be pro uctive of of fu the use expletives , and with rther power to enrol all those who have taken part in those games or have used expletives as life members of the League of Latter i exa min day Prigs , and to compel them to pass a qualify ng ’ 1 z n Non ation in ( ) Uncle Tom s Cabin ( ) Conscie ce , r conformist , and othe s , if any ; (3 ) Humbugs and the u of n of o acc mulation wealth with the assista ce lab ur , a nd forced , indentured free .

Referring to humbugs , Mr . Justice Eve told an amusing his u s story of experiences at a fair d ring the hearing , ome a o of time g , an action by Mr . Harry Relph , better known a s u ra stra in Little Tich , who claimed an inj nction to a cert a in cinematograph firm from billing him in such a way a s to lead the public to believe that he wa s appeari ng personally at their cinematograph entertainment at seaside

s . h u n the i place His lords ip , d ri g hear ng , mentioned WITS I N ERMINE 1 7

that he was once at a gipsy fair and went to see a wa s a mermaid , which represented to be h lf a lady and

half a fish . The thing he saw was stuffed , with the head f d o 2 . of a monkey and the tail a fish . He had paid and s t o felt so angry that he wa inclined smash it . of Gipsy life has a good deal fascination for Mr . Justice r Eve . During the last twenty Odd yea s he has made r many ca avan tours in Devon , Cornwall , and Somerset , and a huge volume of photographs forms a memento of

his journeying . On one occasion Sir Harry was forced to draw up his wa s van nearer the highway than usual , and soon accosted who r by an individual , afte laying down the law, inquired ’ r of who the visito was . I m the Duke replied ’ Y ou the Judge . don t look much like him , was the

rejoinder . Who are you asked Sir Harry in return . ’ - r I m the police se geant . Well , sa id Sir Harry , ’ ou one y don t look much like . r Yet another good sto y . A new hand had arrived, but r was a stranger to the district . He p oceeded to Sir ’ r wa s Harry s house , but was info med that the latter out

Widdicombe way picnicking . r Gaining the necessa y directions , he started , and had not gone fa r before he met a caravan with an affable r - ustic looking individual in charge , whom he saluted r with Hi , guvno , seen any gentleman picnicking near ’ — r ? Widdicombe Squi e Eve , I mean . D ye know him

. in The driver did In the purest Devon dialect , he formed his questioner that he wa s corned from the r n ot hocky pa t , but he had zeed no parties pic r r r nicking . He athe expected the squi e would be found f a zo at home , and o fered the W yfarer a lift back fur . On the way agricultural matters were j ovially discussed

over pipes until , arriving near the house he sought , the ot stranger g down , and went in . Some little time after wards he was vastly astonished to learn the real identity of his guide .

Mr . Justice Eve once used his own name to provoke a hearty laugh . A witness was asked a question , and he B 1 6 WITS IN ERMINE

’ never-mention- ems are to be worn on State ceremonial

and other occasions .

Sir Thomas Whittaker and Mr . Leif Jones to be Joint of Commissioners Drink , with power to legislate for the o extermination f hydrophobia .

Certain Commissioners of Pleasure , with power to suppress all places of entertainment excepting Julia ’ s ’ ’ W hitfield s Bower, Tabernacle , Regent s Park Chapel , and one court in the Chancery Division , to be presided over

by my brother Darling . of Right Rev . the Bishop (a bachelor) to be of t o Commissioner Population , with power bring about , li by all reputable means , the production of large fami es who principally by persons who do not want them , and have neither the means nor the intention adequately of

supporting them . who i s The gentleman is at present , I th nk , Fir t of Commissioner the Cocoa Islands , and , I think , the ’ editor of the expurgated edition of Ruff s Guide to the ’ r Turf , to be Commissione of Sport , with power to suppress the a Derby , the Boat Race , footb ll , cricket , golf, ping n pong , dominoes , draughts , and all other games i to which of or be the element chance enters , which may productive of the use of expletives , and with further power to enrol all those who have taken part in those games or have used expletives as life members of the Leag ue of Latter ex a min day Prigs , and to compel them to pass a qualifying ’ 1 z ation in ( ) Uncle Tom s Cabin ( ) Conscience , Non conformist , and others , if any ; (3) Humbugs and the u l acc mu ation of wealth with the assistance of labour , e forced , indentur d and free . n Referring to humbugs , Mr . Justice Eve told an amusi g of a story his experiences at a fair during the he ring , some of t time ago , an action by Mr . Harry Relph , bet er known a s a i u Little Tich , who cl med an inj nction to restrain a certain cinematograph firm from billing him in such a way a s to lead the public to believe that he wa s appearing personally at their cinematograph entertainment at seaside h . u n t e e n e places His lordship , d ri g h ari g , m ntioned

1 8 WITS IN ERMINE

replied , I know no more than Adam . Or Eve ,

quietly remarked the Judge . a l It is a t e of the Temple that when Mr . Justice Eve 1 8 of took Silk in 95, he circulated the usual notice his of intention to his seniors , according to the etiquette the Bar and from one of them received the foll owing reply

MY DE AR E !E — h fi — , W ether you wear silk or g leaf I do not care DAM A . .

or . The story may may not be true , but Mr Justice Eve doubtless enj oyed the j oke as much as Lord Al verstone enj oyed the lines of the witty barrister who thus c om memora t ed a certain case in which the ex-Lord Chief

Justice , in his early days as a barrister , succeeded in one of changing the opinion , in the early electric light s of ca es , Lord Justice Cotton in regard to the threadlike l fi ament now so familiar a Sight within the bulb . Said the witty versifier

Twa s n o mea n workma n t h a t devised A Spe ech of s u ch e lectric fo rc e ; Suc ce ss fully h e c a rbo n ise d h t hre a f hi is u rse T e d o s d co . L o ic a n d a ct so c ose were a c e g f l p k d , Th a t W ebst er t o h is pu rpose ben t n n e n E ve a cot t o fila m t .

If Lord Alverstone did not exactly scintill ate on the li Bench like Mr . Justice Dar ng , he dearly loved a good

one or . story , and told two with rare zest Some years r r r ago he lent a needy f iend a sove eign , and then bet anothe

friend that he would one day get his money . wa s The second friend very doubtful , however , and bet took the with alacrity . Some time afterwards Lord r who Alverstone met the latte gentleman , sarcastically “ : r inquired Well , have you"received the money f om his r a nd poor R yet No , replied lo dship , r I shall not press him , for I have received a letter f om him

which is worth the money . The letter read as follows As ha s 1 a e the date arrived for the £ to be rep id , pleas W ITS I N ERMINE 1 9

’ for find a postal order for that amount , I m hanged if I can . Yours , etc . r It is only a Short time ago that Lo d Alverstone , Spea king of the portrait of himself painted by the r r Hon . John Collier, ema ked that the pleasure of being painted by such a distinguished artist was not without its alloy . ed The other day, he continu , a friend of mine , r looking at this port ait , said Do you think you would like to be as wise as Collier has made vou look ? I ’ ’ ’ d Should , I replied . Well , you can t , sai the friend . Here is another story Lord Alverstone tells against R1 cha rd himself with great gusto . When he was only on one Webster , he was acting , occasion , as junior to

Mr r . r Sir Douglas (then . ) St aight The defendant , cha ged r r with criminal libel , for whom they appea ed , was a ve y old m irascible gentle an . Sir Douglas Straight was called r of away du ing a portion the proceedings , which lasted a l sever days , and the conduct of the case was con

sequently for a time in the hands of his junior . The rr r : next morning a note a ived f om their client , saying ’ ’ us For Heaven s sake , let have no more of Webster s ” r melancholy pe formances . ’ a Mr . Straight obtained the man s acquitt l by persuading the jury that the prisoner was n ot to be treated as an a s ordinary man , his language , even about trivial matters , x eri was most outrageous . Lord Alverstone says this e p him ence taught a good deal . It made him bold . Many readers a re doubtless familiar with the athletic record of the ex-Lord Chief Justice in his college days r how , as a sprinter , he ea ned many successes at Cambridge , Dick W ebst er a s while . was also recognised a useful on man to have on your side the cricket field . But , per of of haps , all his interests and gifts , he is most proud his

voice , and for some years after he became Lord Chief ’ Justice , he used to sing in the choir at St . Mary Abbot s , on e Kensington . On occasion when , as Sir Richard con Webster , he had addressed a political meeting , he c b . H s d luded y Singing to the audience i solo , a sacre 20 WITS IN ERMINE

one , was heard with even more attention than his

speech . At the close a gaunt sprinter rose at the back of the

audience , and said With your face and your voice , ou r Sir Richard , y ought to be preaching the Gospel t uth n to the poor heathens , instead of telli g honest folk to be ” political . c a n Sir Edward Clarke also sing a song , and there is a r story , rather a chestnut , pe haps , but well worthy of

repetition , to the effect that at a certain legal gathering at which both were present , a mutual friend received

c onfidences . r successive Sir Edward Cla ke said Ah , l Webster, rare good fel ow if only he did not think he could ” Sir sing . And Richard Webster confided I have r always had the highest regard for my friend Cla ke , but ” of — that voice his really , someone ought to tell him . l It used to be wicked y suggested that when Dr . Glyn , r of the present Bishop of Pete borough , was Vicar Ken of sington , he was in the habit glancing apprehensively at the roof when his distinguished chOI i st er wa s getting his top notes . Of his younger days Lord Alverstone also tells this on b . ca story One day, his way to the Law Courts , his was run into by another . In dischargin g the cabman at the Courts , Lord Alverstone handed his card , in case he should be wanted as a witness . In due course the case on wa s came , and Lord Alverstone asked to take a seat a s near the Bench . The verdict w ultimately given in ’ out o his cabman s favour . On the way there st od cabby ’

sir . waiting for him . Jump in , , he cried I ll drive you anywhere . I knowed it would be all right when I ” a - a ri s a w you up there Squ ng the beak . ’ These reminiscences of Lord Alvers t one s early days h a s r recall a curious story which ce tain amusing features , r L oreburn who m l told of Lo d , beca e Lord Chancel or in L o b 1 0 . a s re urn 9 5 When Bob Reid , Lord then was , r who wa s was leaving Oxfo d , Jowett , then Master of l o Ba liol , p litely asked what part in life the young man had decided to follow . WITS I N E RMINE 2 1

t t o d I hink of going the Bar , said young Rei . ou wll Ba r— - Y i do no good at the good morning , d e was the i sconc rting reply.

Years later the future Lord Chancellor visited Oxford . wa s His success had been immense , and he considered one

of of . the leaders the Bar Jowett met him , and they had NO wa s a long chat . reference made to the unfortunate prophesy until they were parting . Then , as if an after thought had occurred to him the famous Master said

By the way , Reid , I told you you would do no good at ” — - the Bar . I beg your pardon good morning . ’ Lord L oreburn s most intimate friend during his years t he ir at the Bar was irrepressible S Frank Lockwood .

They began together at the Bar, fought their way up side a s by Side juniors , took Silk at the same time , entered r on of Pa liament simultaneously the same Side politics , fi r of became colleagues as the two Law Of ce s the Crown , ’ and each rejoiced heartily in the other s success . And yet Sir Frank Lockwood could not resist cari caturing his r friend indeed , his chief delight was to make picto ial

fun of Bob Reid .

- The well known journalist and MP . Mr . Spencer Leigh r how 5 Hughes , elates , after Sir Frank death , there was

an exhibition of these pictures in London , and people who went were amazed at the manner in which the r dignified Bob Reid had been shown up . Pe haps the of most remarkable the series was a Sketch , entitled , How Reid Prepared His Speech for the Parnell Com in on of r mission . He is represented e half the pictu e as his lounging in an easy chair , with a great black pipe in r his mouth , and st etching out hand to a monstrous bottle , ” f r labelled Good Stu f . In the other half of the pictu e r r the e is a lean and hungry wretch , su rounded by law i books , writing away desperately , his eyes glar ng and his in— of cheeks sunken suggesting , course , that while the i dist nguished lawyer smoked and sipped at ease , some ha rdworked devil in chambers looked up all the r refe ences . a s a s Mr w s . I told Sir Robert , he then , say Spencer E2 WITS IN ERMINE

h s i the i s Leigh Hug es , that people were ay ng that p cture

hi . should never have been ex bited He laughed heartily, and told me an interesting fact . He said that whenever on e of r Lockwood perpetrated those te rible drawings , he r r b ought it to the victim befo e anyone else had seen it . I S there anything in this to which you object r L orebu rn Lo d , however , cannot be said to have added much to the gaiety of law and the same remark applies r Ha lsbur r of t he to Lo d y, the stu dy Lord Chancellor r r l Conservative Pa ty ; Lord Cole idge , poet as wel as judge r i and the late Lord Go ell , who succeeded Lord St . Hel er a s r 1 0 a l President of the Divorce Cou t in 9 5 , though to the latter has been ascribed the remark : There are three ” of — r - classes eggs eggs , f esh eggs , and new laid eggs , while ot own on n who he g his back the interrupter at a meeti g , , while he wa s speaking on the reduction of taxation of f ? ” tea , sugar , and co fee , shouted , What about oats ’ r : His lo dship , without a moment s hesitation , replied ou ? n ot see Oh , y eat oats , do you I am sorry I did ” ou n two your legs . I really thought y had o ly . His on who s n comment , too , the slovenly barrister a to ished everyone at the Law Courts on e day by appearing with r is a ose in his buttonhole almost historic . I wonder h ot r r r - C ow X . . the rose g the e ema ked a well known , ” his wa s to lordship . Probably it grew there , the

prompt reply . r a re r who r The e some reade s , too , will remember Lo d ’ Gorell s frank allusion to the scent used by ladies who r wa s uf r came before him in the Divo ce Court . He s fe ing his on e from a headache , and said to hostess day that it h a . s e m w s caused by scent Scent exclai ed . What do you mean The ladies of the Divorce Court love ” “ h . a s in perfumes , he replied It been a hot and try g for for s who day me , each of the witnes es , are placed in box ha s r the quite close to the Judge , come into Cou t r r and waved a dainty handke chief satu ated with scent . a h I have inh led patchouli , white rose , eliotrope , and -a - r r un for half dozen other pe fumes Since b eakfast , and , t una tel t he y, more emotional ladies become, the more WITS IN ERMINE 23 they waved these pret ty pieces of scented cambric and ” applied them to their eyes . ’ Gorell s t o e u t Lord objection scent in the Divorc Co r , is so Philli however , by no means strong as Lord Justice ’ sa t more s objection to the divorce laws . When he as

Vacation Judge some years ago , Sir Walter protested against being " call ed on to make an absurd number of decree nisi granted in the Divorce Division . This fact is — said to have caused a witty pronouncement not from —b the Bench y Lord Gorell , then Sir Gorell Barnes , is President of the Divorce Court . Here my brother Phillirn ore , Lord Gorell is represented to have said , who objects to making a decree nisi absolute because he be r B — -b lieves in the sanctity of the mar iage tie . y and y we may be having a Unitarian appointed to the Bench , and a s he will refuse to try Admiralty suits , he would have to ” sit with Trinity Masters . Although Lord H a lsbury and Lord Coleridge cannot be said to have shone as humourists of the Bench , they have thoroughly enj oyed these t wo stories against them one wa s a selves . On occasion the latter addressing large ’ of r audience Varsity men at Oxfo d , when he used the n ot of phrase , We must remember merely the beauty the individual colleges , but the beauty of Oxford as a whole . And what a whole it is Hear , hear yelled ’ r ! the Va sity men . Yes What a hole they groaned . What a beastly hole ! Then it dawned upon Lord Coleridge that this was a thing he would rather have expressed otherwise . wa s l who a ro os And it the late Montagu Wi liams , , p p ’ of is r H a lsbur s the fact that tobacco Lo d y pet aversion , has described how he and Sir Hardinge Giffard (a s Lord Ha lsbury then wa s) used to dispute a good deal about the of l on s merits the weed , whenever they trave led legal dutie wa s . t o together Williams a great smoker, and it used annoy Sir Hardinge beyond measure to see him bring out m his pipe and light up with a s ile of happiness . At last u of the fut re Keeper the Great Seal determined to protest , and one evening exclaimed, with much fervour 24 WITS I N ERMINE

l a sa i I hate tobacco I never smoke . Wil i ms d nothing , and took his pipe outside . Next morning he had l i l his revenge . He knew we l that Sir Hard nge wou d w never breakfast ithout him , and came down purposely so late that there was no time for a meal before going to u court . Williams was reproached for his unpunct ality , “ r : and genially eplied Oh , I hate breakfast . I never eat breakfast . wa s The hint taken , and in the future Williams had his pipe in peace . It is related of Lord H a lsbury that it was not a l ways one easy to get him to read his brief . On occasion when s he was retained in an election petition , it was di covered by his juniors the evening before the commission opened r that he had neglected this p ecaution . The party were stay ing in a big country house , the owner of which was an ardent f politician , and immediately after dinner Hardinge Gif ard was conducted to the billiard room in company with the e r u bri f , and the key was turned on him . Th ee ho rs later him the party turned to release him , and found peacefully l asleep on the settee , with the brief, a remarkably bu ky

one . , as his pillow A i a s Sir Frederick lbert Bosanquet , whose appo ntment 1 0 0 r so r Common Serjeant of London in 9 p oved popula , possesses the reputation of never having made a j oke in of court . But he has been the cause of j oking on the part r his confreres . At one time there we e always controversies as to the correct method of pronouncing the historic

Huguenot name which Sir Frederick bears . Once , at a wa s Bar dinner , a slip of paper sent round for suggestions .

One , now a famous j udge , with an eye , apparently, to Sir ’ Frederick s taciturn erudition , wrote

' a e a B two 0 s a n d a K T k , , , Sea it— ou h a ve our Bosa n uet l y y q .

Another , also a judge , wrote

L ive on a t a a n ue ly ly b q t, I S t he ris er Bosa n e ba r t q u t .

26 WITS IN ERMINE

Indeed , he generally sent his wife to represent him , know ing the kind of hea rt that beat under the robes of a county court judge . And it wa s a delicious story which he told at the ’ 1 1 1 r wh o Authors Club in December, 9 , rega ding a lady, , r wa s r I nsur although a Libe al , ve y indignant about the ” r ance Bill . I rema ked to her, said the Judge , Well ’ of r r u . cou se , Lloyd Geo ge Sho ld not have done it I do ’ not agree with you at all , She declared . Lloyd George is in no way to blame ; he knows nothing whatever about

the subject . But what I cannot understand is why Mrs . him ’ George ever allowed to do it . His lordship has related that he wa s once greatly en c oura g ed by a criticism passed upon him which he acci

dentally overheard . On leaving the court he passed two a n men walking Slowly away. He had decided ag i st them ,

and they were discussing why he had done so . ’ ’ ’ 0w e Well , on earth could do it I don t see , do you , Bill ’ ’ E s a fool . ’ ’ ’ Y es e s e . , a fool , a fool , but did IS best ’ ’ ” A e y, I think did is best . And Judge Parry adds genially that he ha s often thought one might rest beneath a less kindl y epitaph ” than this He was a fool , but he did his best . r r Referring to his t ansfer f om Manchester to Lambeth , r n his lo dship , in his second book of remi iscences , What

the Judge Saw , relates an amusing encounter between W elldon on himself and Bishop . They met the steps f a o the pavilion at Old Tr fford . a l And where is your diocese , geni ly asked the ” Bishop . Lambeth , I replied promptly . It sounds ’ a l a ecclesiastic , doesn t it It did until your n me a i was connected with it , s id the B shop , with a merry

laugh . w r From which it ill be appa ent that the Bishop , like wit the Judge , is a man of ready . i i s l Judge Parry also tells th s story against h m e f . i k a Said a Lancash re boo m ker, summoned for keeping WITS I N ERMINE 27

his - -old a betting house, to solicitor, I want that two year

I sees at Bury County Court last week . ’ ” What s his name ? asked his solicitor . ’ he s Hanged if I know, but a long , lean , lanky beggar , and he puts on e foot on the desk and just talks to the ” f h r judge like as if he was his eyt e . r of Acco ding to Judge Parry, the uneducated man the street is a better witness of outdoor facts than the clerk r r o warehouseman , having a mo e retentive memory, and he tells a story of a blacksmith who came t o the farriery r classes held by the Mancheste Education Authorities . r r The cle k in cha ge gave him a notebook and pencil . ’ ’ ere ? Wot s this for asked the blacksmith . r To take notes , replied the cle k . ’ Notes ? What sort 0 notes ? n r Why, a ything that the lecture says which you ou think important and want to remember, y make a of r note it , said the cle k . wa s Oh , the scornful reply , anything I want to ’ remember I must make a note of in this ere book , must ’ ’ ’ I Then what do you think my bloomin yed s for ? The worthy judge has made more or less successful f - r e forts at play w iting , but he confesses that the morning after the Manchester production of The Captain of the School a postcard was placed on his desk which read —I wa s Sir , went last night to see your play . It like — your verdicts Rotten ! Judge Parry confesses that no postcard he ha s ever carried in his pocket ha s given r r mo e pleasu e to his friends . Recalling the memorable occasion when he wa s shot r wa s at in cou t , he relates how he taken to a nursing

home , where the Rontgen rays were employed . When the photograph wa s developed they showed him a blur one on with distinct blob it . ? What is that I asked . ” The bullet , said the doctors . And have you photographed a l l the meta l in my head a n Cert i ly . 2 8 WITS IN ERMINE

Then where is the portra i t of my ‘ gold t ooth ? e wa s t oo This pos r much for the doctors . Judge Pa r ry has many delightful and amusing stories on to tell of former colleagues the Northern Circuit , ’ and one in particular of the late Charles M Kea n is worthy f wa s of o . repetition The barrister full resource , and on one occasion an old woman who wa s indicted for larceny gave him a dock defence . He had no time to study the on depositions , but he got the right lines , and concluded an eloquent harangue as follows : s a And what , gentlemen , did the poor woman y when the magistrate ’ s clerk asked her for her defence ll r r I wi ead you her very wo ds , and I think you will agree with me that they bear the stamp of conscious hi s r r innocence . Ernest Jordon ( junio ) t ied to stem of wa s the torrent his eloquence here , feeling sure he r set of wa s remembe ing another depositions , but it no ’ M K ea n z r use . sei ed the pape s and turned them rapidly r over . He falte ed a little when he saw them . Well , n ot gentlemen , this uneducated woman has put it as you or l r r I would put it , but I said I wou d ead her wo ds , i h She : l and I w ll . W at says is How the hel could I ? have the boots when he was wearing them And , ’ M K ea n r gentlemen , continued in a concluding bu st of a sk n eloquence , I you , with some co fidence , how the hell could she ? Judge Rentoul has a very pretty wit when he cares r to use it . Speaking a good many yea s ago at an Anti

Home Rule meeting in Northampton , he said that the of wa s one part Ireland which happy , contented , and ” wa s undisturbed Connemara . In Connemara , he ’ added , the peasants don t speak English , and the patriots ’ a Oirish can t spe k . who sit i a Like many judges in the Crim n l Court , Judge ha s i Rentoul had some quaint experiences w th witnesses . I s On one occasion he asked the prosecutor it true ,

as alleged , that you declared that the prisoner had stolen your pocket-book n Your honour, came the u expected reply, I did WITS IN ERMINE 2 9 not go so far as that . I merely said that if the prisoner had not assisted me in looking for the pocket-book I might have found it . It is a l so Judge Rentoul who tells the story of a man who wanted to bring an action merely to hear his mother

- - in law cross examined . The man spoke to a barrister at the assizes , and was told he had no case . He replied

I know I have no case at all , but I am bringing it because - in - on my mother law must be a witness the other side . out of see I want the inside turned her , and I you are by for ob of far the best man at the Bar a j that kind . The acoustic properties of the new Old Bailey are by a n no me s as perfect as they might be , and there is a of decided echo the walls . Some time ago Judge Rentoul ’ t o six sentenced a prisoner months hard labour , and ’ directly he had pronounced sentence six months hard a s labour w echoed from the back of the court . so r The prisoner was taken by surprise that , tu ning Do to a warder by his side , he enquired anxiously, these ’ ere sentences run concurrently ? It was characteristic of his lordship that while the of t o- n ot average man day does , as a rule , like admitting ha s any mistakes he made , he frankly confessed some r time ago , during an address which he delive ed , the of of text which was The Twelve Mistakes Life , that of he had committed the whole them . This was the list he gave : To attempt to set up your own standard of right

and wrong and expect everybody to conform to it . r of own To try to measu e the enjoyment others by your . m of r To expect unifor ity opinion in this wo ld . for To look judgment and experience in youth .

To endeavour to mould all dispositions alike . Not t rifies to yield to unimportant . for our n To look perfection in ow actions . To worry ourselves and others about what cannot

be remedied . ca n i n Not to alleviate , if we , all that needs allev atio . Not t o o fo make all wances r the weaknesses of others . 30 WITS I N ERMINE To consider anything impossible that we cannot ourselves perform . To our believe only what finite can grasp .

Judge Rentoul , it might be mentioned , takes such a pessimistic view of the legal profession that he h a s placed the average earnings of barristers at the English Bar r of r e at the low figu e two pounds th ee shillings per we k . ’ a re r P S And yet barristers held in highe esteem than M . one r if may judge f om this story , which Judge Rentoul tells of an occasion when he wa s presented with an address r setting fo th his services to local government . ” “ r I noticed , he says , that in the add ess r h l appeared in very small lette s , w i e underneath , in very ’ r r - a t - la w large letters , we e the words bar ister . When I pointed this out to the artist the latter replied : I ’ r know what I m about . I did that pu posely . Any f c a n of r duf er be a member Parliament , but it requi es ’ a clever man to become a barrister . Avor r Judge y, like Sir Frede ick Bosanquet , has been is of . accused never making a joke This , however, for on one scarcely correct , occasion the counsel Opposed to him in a certain case quoted a text from the book

of Job to emphasize a point .

I do not think that such evidence is admissible . Mr Avor said . y , gravely, seeing that you cannot put ” -box Job in the witness . How the worthy judge came to throw over politics is ” hi s wn o . r told in words I defended , he said , a la ge of r —a t wa s —who number strike s Maidstone , I think it f ff o o . had fallen foul the law , and they all got Within three days of the verdict I wa s invited to stand a s the

Radical candidate for that part . A few months later I prosecuted a number of Social ists and extreme Radicals who had created a disturbance

in the vestry hall in the sa me district . The men were convicted and within a few days I wa s invited to stand as

the Conservative candidate . “ I t wo r a nd d f considered the offe s , decide to re use to have anything more to do with politics . WITS I N ERMINE 3 1 And the Bench still chuckles when it recalls the st ory e for Avor of the witness who prov d too good Judge y. ” see Let me , he said to a witness for the other side , ’ o ou ? y u have been convicted before , haven t y ” sir Yes , , answered the man , but it was due to the incapacity of my counsel rather than to any fault on ” Avor r my part . It always is , said Mr . y , with a g im ”

ou . smile , and y have my sincere sympathy And I ” ou deserve it , retorted the man , seeing that y were ” my counsel on that occasion ! r Even more stagge ing , however , was the following wa s on incident . A man put in the dock his trial for Avor wa s burglary . Mr . Horace y, as he then , prose of cuting for the Crown . One the first wi tnesses called to give evidence against the prisoner was a sturdy-looking Avor bricklayer . Mr . y started his questions with the leading ones I believe your name is William Robinson ? ” Yus . ou W embe And y live at fourteen y Cottages , Horn sey

Yus . Did you meet the prisoner on the night of the twelfth of February in Hornsey Lane ? ” Yus . What did he sa y to you ? for Up , naturally , jumped counsel the prisoner , saying so- - so My lord , I object ; under Section and , no conversation ca n be given in evidence unless it took ’ or r of place in the prisoner s presence , in the p esence

another witness , my lord it has been further laid down , ” t o n s . etc e c . and o for a long time Avor r Mr . y then gave his easons at great length why it wa s important this particular question should be

answered , upon which Mr . Justice Darling said , as it wa s for an important point , he would adjourn the court r a few minutes , and consult his b other Channell , who wa s i sitt ng in the other court . Upon his return he 32 WITS IN ERMINE

of As I anticipated . my brother Channell is the a s i same opinion myself , and under the special c rcumstances ” of the case I shall allow the question to be put . Avor cocksuredn ess Up rose Mr . y with the which at wa s on e of that time his most valuable assets , and with an air of triumph said : sa Now, William Robinson , you y you live at fourteen W embe y Cottages , Hornsey 6 6 ”

Yu s . And you met the prisoner on the night of the twelfth ” of February in Hornsey Lane ? ( 6 — — — (Then ! ery slowly) What did he sa y to you ’ Avor s The staggering reply came back , much to y discomfit ure

( C

’ It isn t often that a lawyer wins a case for a client

and loses that client . But such a thing once happened Avor wa s a s for to Mr . y . He retained counsel the plain f in il r ti f a suit against a ra way company, and in the cou se of of r his argument in court , in the usual manner lawye s , K C m of ur the . endeavoured to gain the sy pathy the j y

for his client . of Gentlemen the jury, declaimed the lawyer , who r are the parties to this important litigation He e , on one we the hand , have an excessively rich and powerful on is corporation , and there , the other hand , my poor, ” simple client . In this wa y continued the lawyer ; and finally so worked upon the feelings of the jurors that they quickly of f returned a verdict in favour the plainti f . wa s n ot It would appear , however , that the litigant exactly exultant over the mean s employed to defend r r of his suit , for , when a f iend some days afte spoke the : case , he said ’ Y es Avor s r , y a fine lawyer all ight , and he won my ’

for . n suit me But I ll never employ him agai . Do you know , he called me a fool , and made the jury believe it

34 WITS I N ERMINE

He was quite right , Munro told the judge on the quiet . Something did impel him forward ; he wa s t r impelled by me . Moral Do not y fishing in Scotland on a Sunday . Bucknill And it is Mr . Justice who tells this fishing ” r story . I am a born poache , he says . Once , when shooting in North Wales with a member of the Chancery Ba r , I divested myself of coat and vest and showed my r f iend how to tickle trout in a wayside stream . My movements were watched by a local lad who accompanied us on our shoot , and the following year , visiting the neigh bo hood ur . : , I inquired for the boy I was told He is “ ” r for in p ison tickling trout . He saw you do it last year . He has been doing it himself since , and they ’ caught him . Judge Bucknill is as good at a story as he is at any kind of Sport . He tells a tale of an occasion when he wa s should have been acting as Vacation Judge , but in fact about to drive off for his first round at the golf r e club , when he heard a rep oachful voice b hind him B k i . uc n ll exclaiming , Mr Justice two There were gentlemen in high hats , with brief bags , who put him off his stroke . He held a Court there on the Downs , and gave somebody an injunction which wa s n he did not deserve . On another occasion he Shooti g when he gave a man his injunction . On the case coming r h into cou t , counsel said , Your lords ip may remember ” r il this case . He eplied , I do , because I nearly k led ” one a pheasant , a barrister , and a solicitor with shot . Mr Buckn ill f . Justice is a fectionately known among ” his a s i on colleagues Tommy , a c rcumstance which one occasion led to a good dea l of amusement a n d em a rra sment b s in court . A witness rejoicing in the name of Tommy was under examination , and the constant reiteration of the well known nick-name proved so disconcerting to those present n n e r that the lear ed counsel , hopi g to s ttle the matte Bucknill once for all , turned sharply to Justice with the ’ ” a nd u it s remark , It s not you , Tommy , the co rt held WITS IN ERMINE 35 breath for five minutes pending the explosion that never came . ’ Sir of Thomas s sense humour , however , is admirably illustrated by an incident which occurred some time r ago du ing the Leicester Assizes . One day there was a severe snow thaw , and when leaving the courts , the judge lifted his scarlet robes so that he might reach his carriage without mud splashes . The figure he cut amused

r who . a g oup of girls , shrieked with laughter Oh , my , you do look a guy one of them shouted . Never ” r mind , my dea , how I look , answered the kindly judge with that winning smile of his , so long as I get in my ” r r car iage without di t . And it may be permissible t o introduce here an anecdote illustrating his characteristic kindliness . Once at the South Wales Assizes a journalist brought his little boy him of into court with , probably at the beginning a ’

r . libe al education , and placed him by the reporters table r He watched the proceedings silently , evidently imp essed .

Despite his unobtrusiveness , his presence did not escape - wa s r the keen eyed judge , and presently a note d opped ’ r on in f om the Bench to the reporters table . It was ” scribed : For the little boy sitting at the table . Inside the note were these words : I see a very nice r quiet little boy watching his father writing sho thand . ’ fo - - B knill r T . . uc . I send him Sixpence his money box . T Some present- day legal celebrities are particularly happy 6011 ma ts of r in their and epigrams . The humour Lo d

Justice Vaughan Williams , who began his career at the Ba r H a lsbur r r by devilling for Lord y, has a pa ticula ly m r epigram atic turn . There is a genuine ing about ’ these affidavits , as if they were the witness s own words . I ca n never understand why counsel will undertake the arduous task of convincing their Opponents instead of the d ” ju ge . Their opponents a re paid not to be convinced . “ r There is a P ovidence , even in the City . These are some of the good sayings with which he has adorned his

judgments . To a voluble and pe rsistent barrister he once ”

. r . said , Stop , Mr my eceptivity is exhausted 36 WITS I N ERMINE Lord Justice Vaughan Williams ’ reference to affidavits of recalls one the rare occasions when Sir Charles Mathews , who was appointed Director of Public Prosecutions in

1 0 8 . 9 , was found guilty of j oking Although he seldom of j okes , he is the originator several quaint maxims r which are standards in the Law Courts . Pe haps the best of the bunch which his lordship invented , and which he

has quoted more than once , is that Truth will out , even in an affidavit of The curious delivery Mr . Justice Channell , which fi sometimes makes it very dif cult to catch all his words , once gave rise to a happy bon mot on the part of the late

Sir Frank Lockwood .

Sir Arthur , then an advocate , was addressing the court ,

and the judge , failing to catch the remark , asked him to r be good enough to repeat it , whereupon his brothe counsel created no small merriment by the sotto voce observation that the remark had been Lost in the chops

of the Channell . r on f a i Sir A thur, by the way, is an expert naval a f rs , one of being the most enthusiastic yachters on the Bench . i In connection with his passion for the br ny, there is ’ an amusing story told of how Sir Arthur s yacht once found her passage blocked on the Thames by a dirty a l of looking empty b last barge , the only occupant which n wa s a man smoki g a small clay pipe . Finding that he of did not make any attempt to get out the way, Mr . Justice Channell commanded his chief officer to remon i strate w th the fellow, which he did in true nautical I S fashion . Presently the man in the barge shouted , it ’ erself wa s y that s owner of the Ship N the reply . ’ " f Then t al k . r o i toyerequals I mcaptain and proprieto th s . 1 1 0 Lord Robson , who became a Lord of Appeal in 9 , ” has been described as the Dandy Lawyer, his white Spats and whiter waistcoats having aroused the envy of the

° Temple and St . Stephens and he is a witty one to boot . ” i of It seems to me , said an Ind gnant member the House on one occasion , after striving to convince Sir William e l with a lengthy Sp ech , that you cannot swa low my WITS I N ERMI NE 37

t 0 u . arg men N , said Sir William without hesitation , ’ I don t want to die of indigestion . On another his son occasion , when he was visiting at Eton , he was

one . attracted by a tie in of the shops The tie was black , striped with light blue . He bought it and returned to ’ his wa s . son s room in triumph , but greeted with horror ! Father , you cannot wear an Old Etonian tie I do not know anything about its being Old Etonian . Why should it not stand for Old Robsonia n ? came the ready retort . And he ha s thus wittily described his first smoke I o had my first pipe at the age of seven , and s me of you You have had a similar experience . remember with what triumph you discovered that you could get smoke into your mouths , and that you could blow it out again . You may possibly remember what , for many years , made me a — non-smoker the awful sensation that succeeded upon of on that moment triumph , when the stomach went r st ike , and the brain only retained consciousness enough to long for death . Perhaps one of the best stories told of Lord Robson is that concerning an incident which occurred shortly - 1 0 after he had been appointed Attorney General in 9 8 . One day he entered a smoking-room at the House of of Commons in a state great enthusiasm . Seeing a friend sitting there with another gentleman , Sir William a s remarked to him that Mr . Lowther w quite the best sa t Speaker under whom he had .

Noticing that the friend was rather quiet , Sir William r wa s inqui ed what the matter , and the answer came , in a stage whisper , Be careful what you say ; that is Mr . Gully with me The Attorney-General fled Meeting another friend walking along the corridor , he remarked : to him I fear I have put my foot in it dreadfully . I said to that the present Speaker was the best I ’ sa t wa s son ever under, and there the late Speaker s sitting ! ” a yard off me Well , Robson , said the friend , I ’ e don t know that you have made things much b tter .

Allow me to introduce Mr . Peel 1 38 W ITS I N ERMINE

Sir Samuel T . Evans must be one of the greatest experts r n in the count y o matrimonial problems . AS President of the Divorce Court he passes his days listening to tales wo is e . is of marital , and no judge harder worked But he a s never depressed , and refuses to answer the question r f to ma trimony being a failu e in the a firmative . This keen-witted judge started his legal career as a l f solicitor . Rea ising that the Bar o fered more scope , he wa s so changed over , and successful that he took silk in r r of the rema kably Sho t Space nine years . He was the F or last Q C . to be appointed . over twenty years he r r a r wa s represented Glamo ganshi e in P liament , and r- r 1 08—1 0 his Solicito Gene al from 9 , when he took place on the Bench . his By hat shall you know Sir Samuel Evans . No ” how matter fashions may change in toppers , he clings to a weird type of headgear which is flat in the brim and ou see tall in the crown , something like those hats y on women dressed in Welsh costume . Sir Samuel has several good stories to tell relating to his who profession . One which concerns a man stole a pair o i i f trousers s decidedly na ve . This man received a r wa s r e favou able verdict , but when the case ove he Show d n f his r k no sig s o leaving the court . At last lawye as ed h ’ him w y he didn t go . The innocent man whispered is Sir not in reply The fact , , I did like to move till the ’ witnesses had left the court . You see I ve got on the ” trousers what I stole . a s wa s r n Sir Sam , he generally known in Pa liame t , is his l s an accomplished linguist , speaking native We h a n d one of r n with ease , being the few membe s , whe at r who r Westminste , ventu ed upon Latin quotations . He ’ l on one has a Welshman s love of humour , and te ls how , ma n who l ri occasion , he asked a had sat on severa ju es , “ r Who influenced you most , the lawye s , the witnesses , ” is or the judge This the way I made up my mind , ’ d a so i r . a n re n n one eplied the man I am a plain chap a , ’ a n d not i d a i r sa I m nfluence by nyth ng the lawye s y, no , I th nor by what the judge sa ys . just look at the man in e WITS I N ERMINE 39

’ a s k wh dock and I myself , If he h asn t done anything , y ? ’ d I b is he there a n ring s him in guilty . li is of t The humour of Mr . Justice Je a somewhat sarcas ic ' u n s kind at mes , notably whe he once a ked a lachrymose prisoner who appeared before him -when he “a s Rec order o f “ ” “ r w W h e ? r Sh e sbury , y do you we p Oh , my lo d , the a r u a n e r came te f l sw r , I have neve been to ” ’ ”

r . cr p ison before Don t y , prisoner at the bar , wa s s n the cheerful an wer, I am goi g to send you ” there now . b ff t r e v o . A argee , however , once sco ed h a ily Mr Jus ice t elf his a th e wa s . J in e rly days at Bar . It in Mr Jus ice ’ a u wa s n e h Gr ntham s co rt , and the case concer d wit a r w ro ba . ge accident The master of the barge , hose p nun cia tion of th e n l a n g wa s it s wa E g ish l gua e in y unique , wa s in bo x so a s th e u the , and , far co rt could hear , had stated that it wa s easier to stop a ba rge under steam than

r rs . e t a barge unde orde The futur judge jumped at his , n y “i th t he a i r of n a l l and asked ster l , a man knowi g r n o ba gee technical terms and maki g a p int , And how is it poss ible to stop a barge under stea m more ea sily than ” a r rs Our e a i a b ge under orde l arned friend , s d the a e i not s a . a b rge contemptuously, does under t nd I s d ” a barge under oars . Lord Mersey spent five yea rs on the Liver pool Excha nge b t m wa s s e t o efore devo ing hi self to law . It not de tin d a ll a i on be pl n sail ng for hi at the firs t . W at earth i m " h ha s induced you to come to the Ba r ? wa s the dis c oura i n s r of g g question a ked by Lo d Russell Killowen , when the future Justice Bigham and Lord Mersey entered the s a s chamber of the fa mous advoc ate a s a pupil . It w a

question that took th e pupil some years t o an swer . D uring his firs t twelve months at the Bar the young lawyer i s u g on earned only seven gu nea , tho h later , when he had succeeded Lord Russell of Killowen a s lea der of the r ir u his wa s s Northe n C c it , income one of the large t ever

earned at the Bar . On e of the best stories he tells a bout himself is th at c on ’ cerning a n old lady s remarks on his appointment to the 40 WITS I N ERMINE position of President of the Divorce Court . Dear me exclaimed the old lady, Is he going to the Admiralty do Division How very nice . I trus t he will see that we shall have a strong Navy Until a few years ago there wa s a certain judge dis tinguished among other things for the unpunctuality with hi di . c w ch he began the ju cial day On one o casion , Lord of Mersey, then one the busiest advocates in the Common -five s hi . Law Courts , waited twenty minutes for arrival Having a second case to attend to in another court ; he out see wa s wa s went to how it faring , and while he away the unpunctual judge made his appearance on the bench . Bi ha rn I have waited five minutes for you , Mr . g , exclaimed the judge impatiently, when the busy counsel ” returned . My lord , was the bold retort , I waited ” five times a s long . s It i seven years ago Since the Rt . Hon . Sir Robert s e his Romer relinqui h d judicial labours , after having served rather over the period necessary to secure a — pension nine a s a judge of the Chancery Division and

a l . AS seven as a Lord Justice of Appe a sportsman , ’ ” son-in - a s ha s — Punch s law, he been termed for Sir of Robert married the daugh—ter the late Mark Lemon , the fa mous editor of Punch ha s gained a distinct reputa his tion , and , though not among the j ocular judges , judg

ments occasionally had a flash of humour . In the Court of Appeal the three judges gave judgment f wa o . s in the order seniority On one occasion , when he

the junior member of the Court , Lord Justice Romer ” out of said , I agree , his turn . Lord Justice Rigby , of wa s who was the second member the Court , equally in agreement with the judgment that had been delivered

by the late Master of the Rolls , but deemed it necessary to give at length the reasons for arriving at the same con ” e l lusion . I sti l agree , quietly remarked Sir Robert his l his Romer , when more voluble co league brought

observations to a close . a nd After he took his degree before he got into practice , t I ” Sir Rober dabbled in literature . reviewed , he says ,

40 WITS IN . ERMINE position of President of the Divorce Court . Dear me I s exclaimed the old lady , he going to the Admiralty do Division How very nice . I trust he will see that we Shall have a strong Navy Until a few yea rs ago there was a certain judge dis tinguished among other things for the unpunctuality with

hi . c w ch he began the judicial day On one o casion , Lord

Mersey, then one of the busiest advocates in the Common - five . Law Courts , waited twenty minutes for his arrival court ~ he Having a second case to attend to in another , see wa s went out to how it faring , and while he was away the unpunctual judge made his appearance on the bench .

I have waited five minutes for you , Mr . Bigham , s exclaimed the judge impatiently , when the busy coun el ” wa s returned . My lord , the bold retort , I waited ” five times a s long .

It is seven years ago since the Rt . Hon . Sir Robert s e d Romer relinqui h d his ju icial labours , after having served rather over the period necessary to secure a — pension nine a s a judge of the Chancery Division and AS a s . seven a Lord Justice of Appeal a sportsman , ’ ” u son-in - a s e — P nch s law, he has b en termed for Sir of Robert married the daughter the late Mark Lemon , — the famous editor of Punch ha s gained a distinct reputa u s his tion , and , though not among the joc lar judge , judg

ments occasionally had a flash of humour . In the Court of Appeal the three judges gave judgment of wa s in the order seniority . On one occasion , when he of the junior member the Court , Lord Justice Romer ” his said , I agree , out of turn . Lord Justice Rigby , wa s r of wa s in who the second membe the Court , equally agreement with the judgment that had been delivered it by the late Master of the Rolls , but deemed necessary to give at length the reasons for arriving at the same con ” Sir e e . lusion I still agree , q uietly remarked Rob rt his l his Romer , when more voluble co league brought

observations to a close . o ot After he t ok his degree and before he g into practice , ” I s r . v Sir Robert dabbled in literatu e re iewed , he say , WITS I N ERMINE 4 :

for The Athenwa m The Pa ll , and for a short time for

M a ll Ga zette . . , when it was edited by Mr Leslie Stephen I remember a curious incident in connection with this The work . I had written a rather severe review for Athen ceum on a novel , and shortly after I met my friend , of Mr . William Bradbury , of the firm Bradbury and Evans , publishers . In the course of conversation he referred in the strongest possible language to this review , which out one firm turned to be of the novels published by his , and he denounced the villainy of the writer of the review .

I had to confess that I was the villain in question , and , a bso with his usual goodness , after a time he granted me lut ion sin for my , but I did not retract any of the strictures I had passed on the wor ’ Sir Robert s literary tastes survived his laborious days

ts . s one in the Chancery Cour Some few year ago , in of the legal j ournals there appeared some lines addressed to ” u Miss Eq ity , in which the writer, while admiring her h er s . beauty, described principles a weak The Reply ” a s of Miss Equity , written by Sir Robert Romer , was follows

M ea ut eous ea t ures ou ex o y b f y t l , Beca use I pla in ly show t hem rin ci es a ea r bu t wea My p pl pp k ,

Beca use you d o not know t hem.

e r Concerning his early experi nce at the Bar , Sir Robe t “ ” wa s f tells this amusing story . I o fered , he says , a brief for the defence of a woman who was rather a notorious

criminal . She was charged with stealing from a Shop a piece of money which the proprietor had placed on the

counter . The evidence against her seemed overwhelming , of but a happy idea occurred to me , and in the course my speech I told a story about an old gentleman I knew who wa s fits of . subject to , and was very fond playing whist I said that whenever he found one of his attacks coming on he always swept up all the money that was on the

table and put it into his pockets , and that it was a curious thing that the attacks invariably happened when he was losing but when he recovered he never remembered 4 2 WITS I N ERMINE

wa s anything about having taken the money . The jury e amus d at the idea , and when I pleaded that perhaps the same aberration oc curred with my client they gave her of r the benefit the doubt , and brought in a ve dict of Not ’ she Guilty . AS soon as the prisoner left the dock , came to me and promised that whenever in future she g ot into trouble she would always see that her solicitor instructed me to defend her . Unfortunately for me , however , the possible advantage I may have derived from a client of r wa s that so t lost to me , for I soon after went to the

Chancery Bar . As a rule the work of that Bar Is somewhat dull yet there were one or two curious cases I wa s enga ged in . One of the earliest pieces of work I got wa s from a solicitor wa s who had been a college friend . He instructed to act for a gentleman to whom litigation wa s as the breath of m r life , and whose sole enjoy ent seemed to be the p ose - cution of the many law suits in which he wa s engaged . r We , being somewhat inexpe ienced , considered the best ’ thing we could do in our client s interest would be to a s settle his disputes to the best advantage , we thought

t o s a . they must be harassing and expensive , y the least r os The solicitor , therefo e , made the best compromise p of our sible , and I drew the drafts the deeds which client com signed in the belief , as it appeared , that they were mitting him to more litigation . When he found that wa s this exactly what they did not do , and that the chief his a s interest of life had , it were , come to an unexpected wa s so a r end , he angry that he actu lly b ought an action against the solicitor for negligence , and would , I have little doubt , have brought an action against me , only that the law does not permit barri sters to be proceeded aga inst ” wa in this y . WITTY AND MAGISTRATE S

WITS E RMINE

PART II

CHAPTER II WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES WITS IN ERMINE PART II

’ ’ L a w ers h ouses a re u i t of oo s h ea s —F !' ench roverb y b l f l d . P .

’ MONG - K C. s A present day . there is , perhaps , no man of wit or Sir readier , more sarcastic tongue , than Edward r o on e n ot his Ca s n , although must forget doughty oppon — r ent in many famous cases Lo d Reading to be , present r — or Lord Chief Justice , fo merly Sir Rufus Isaacs the ” f o o H n . . . rising hope the Tory Party , the Right F E — — Smith , a young man as age goes nowadays whose pungency of utterance is only equalled by his candid assertiveness in court , Parliament , and on political plat

One of the best examples of the spontaneous wit of

Sir Edward Carson is , probably , that furnished by an t inciden which once occurred in court , when the judge pointed out to him a discrepancy between the evidence of — two witnesses one a carpenter and the other a publican . “ ” “ r That is so , my lo d , he replied . Yet another case of difference between Bench and Bar .

Sir Edward , however , cannot be said to be usually As genial In his methods . a matter of fact , it is the Icy , biting style he adopts towards hostile witnesses which has contributed mu ch to his reputation as the most

- successful cross examiner of the day . On one occasion wa s he briefed to defend some Trinity College students , who were charged at the Dublin Police Court with assault ing a bookmaker at a regatta . Regarding him as a ” r welshe , the students were just going to throw him the sea into , when the police intervened . How did you 46 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

ou know that they were going to drown y asked Carson . r Is it how did I know Begorra , I knew ight enough . ’ ’ Didn t they howld me by t h leg over the sa y wall ? ? Which leg interjected Carson . Was it the black h r r s wa s leg ? After t is the p osecuto collap ed . He r sa afterwards hea d to say Ah , bedad , ye may y what ’ ’ a nd ye like , but that Carson s a champion . He d puzzle ” flust her divil the himself . old r r Sir In the days of the Balfou egime in Ireland , Edward was examining witnesses on the subject of land values . The first gentleman who entered the box had a of - l host details in his pocket book as to the acreage , qua ity , of and possessions the small estate .

He was followed by Mr . Murphy , an independent wit e i ness , who corroborated his pred cessor w th amazing a h of ccuracy . Even to the last c icken and inch ground r k were the two eports identical . Do you now the last

his . witness said Sir Edward , in rich Irish brogue

Mr . Murphy looked innocently at the counsel , and r nl answered , N Sir Edwa d Carson looked solem y

at the man , and asked Mr . Murphy, Did you ever come across a coincidence

The witness carefully examined his book , then , turning t o of his questioner with a gleam light in his eye , replied r Yes , I did , Mr . Carson , but I fo got to put it down It was in those turbulent days that the Solicitor Genera l of 1 90 0- 6 asked a parish priest of his acqua int ance what his parishioners (on e or t wo of whom had had the misfortune t o appear in the dock on political charges) of thought the man who conducted the prosecutions . ” Well , came the pithy answer , if they hated Satan ou out of half as much as they hated y , I should be

work . ’ One of the best examples of Sir Edward s trenchant f one of wa s wit is a forded by his early cases , in which he -w opposed by an elderly , prosy , long inded lawyer in an

assault case . i r for The elderly lawyer , in his conclud ng add ess , spoke i — s x a n . hours interminable , foggy , stupid speech Then

48 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES you mind sending me a summary of your argument r won The summary was sent , and Sir Edwa d his case . The r esemblance between Sir Edward Carson and

Lord Reading is somewhat remarkable . There is the same

- gaunt , clean shaven face , prominent nose and colourless complexion . In general build , too , they are much alike . r While Lo d Reading , however , talks in a quiet , incisive r manner , with a clear enunciation , Sir Edwa d has not r r of h lost the ich b ogue the typical Iris man . r of r The sto y goes that a couple I ishmen , while in t o r London , paid a visit the Law Cou ts in order to hear h Sir Edward Speak . By some mistake they found t eir wa y into a court where his lordship was engaged on ’ n ot r a case , and , being very familiar with Sir Edwa d s r o for him F or a lit tle appea ance , misto k Lord Reading . ’ while they listened t o the Attorney- General s address t o one r the jury, and then turned to the othe and said , somewhat disgustedly : ’ n o - He may be a clever lawyer , but he s true blooded ha s Irishman . He talks pure English , and either forgot ” r his mother tongue o is ashamed of it . That Lord Reading has just claims to be regarded a s a humourist is evident from the rules which he has laid down on How t o Become a Succes sful Lawyer . There a re but three things essential to success at the ” a l Bar , he says . The first is high anim Spirits , the a h hi i second is high nimal spirits , and the t ird is gh an mal a spirits . If in addition , young man will take the trouble t o lI ttle not W read a law , I do think that ill impede his progress . The Lord Chief Justice entered Parliament for Reading 1 0 t o on in 9 4 , but some years previously he tried get to the floor of the House of Commons when members were Sitting by circumventing the bobby who guards the n on of entrance in Palace Yard . By putti g an air authority and boldly marching past the constable , he ma naged to deceive the man in blue for a moment . or two The latter , however , detected the ruse a second of u — later , and overtaking the member the J nior Bar as WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 49 — his lordship then wa s confronted him with the question a re Not Excuse me , sir , but you a member yet ,

wa s . the reply , but I am going to be soon I hope ” d you will , Sir , quietly respon ed the policeman , but meanwhile W ould you mind going round the other wa y

The meanwhile lasted twelve years. Neither is this the Only story which he has told on e r s against himself . On memo able occasion at Che ter field he addressed an overflow meeting while his then wa s ro leader , Lord Rosebery , making a great political p

n ouncemen t within the hall . — Sir Rufus it wa s before he was elevated to the — r t o peerage was applauded f om time time , but at last was somewhat embarrassed by the boisterous cheering r r r that appa ently g eeted a mino point he had made . t o for Troubled account this , he was about to proceed , ’ when someone touched his a rm and remarked Don t ou n ow y think I had better Speak , Isaacs r He turned round , and found Lo d Rosebery at his elbow . But it is as a cross - examiner that his lordship will chiefly of of r r live in the memory witnesses , many whom ega d Not a o him as a perfect terror . long g a surgeon , whom - K C he was cross examining , declared that the famous , . t o for r had been a nightmare him seve al days . ” e ou I dr amt about y last night , he said to the lawyer . I have hardly slept since you let me ou t of the box on

. ou t o Friday I dreamt y had examined me , and I seemed ” n have nothing o except bones . r Although scarcely humo ous , one might introduce here , r as testimony to the cleve ness of the Lord Chief Justice , of r the story an incident of his ea ly days at the Bar , when r old Lord Esher used to preside in Appeal Cou t I . It was rr a habit of the latter , whenever a young ba ister was

arguing an appeal , to fire at him terrible questions , r or aising real fallacious objections to his case . It was splendid intellectual gymnastics for the counsel

who was sure of himself and his case , but otherwise it

was like arguing with a maxim gun . Barristers generally used to regard it a s unfair to the advocate and his client D 50 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

’ that the train of the former s argument should be con st a ntl r y inter upted by questions , often entirely irrelevant of r to the stage the argument counsel had eached , and of sometimes entirely irrelevant to any part it .

On one occasion , Lord Reading , young , debonair , and r off u bane , was arguing an appeal , and Lord Esher fired question after question: Each one the smiling counsel would handle with the dexterity of a juggler catching a cannon ball . He would give it suitable answer and then would return without the loss of a sentence to his argument at which he had been interrupted . A few minutes later Lord Esher would fire off another question , which the young counsel would treat in exactly the same deferential but decisive manner . on d The other two judges sat looking , and everybo y in court was watching this duel between that keen , h of rasping , old intellect , and the rapier t rust the youthful

Mr . Isaacs . — At last Mr . Isaacs sat down , and Lord Esher who — had his good points did an almost unprec edented thing .

There was a whispering between the three judges , and a then Lord Esher s id Mr . Isaacs , the Court desires me to thank you for the manner in which you have argued ” this appeal .

There was no scene just then , and the case went on s , but the incident made a deep impression on at lea t ’

of r . wa s one one Mr . Isaacs audito s Lord Esher of the ’ i a s first to recognise Lord Read ng s real ability . There w - an occasion when , as a little known junior , he was trying on e to force his view of law the Court of App al . Lord who a : Esher , presided , dis greed , remarking I know you ’ are wrong , Mr . Isaacs , and in twenty years time , when you ” a re ou i Lord Justice Isaacs , y will agree w th me .

Allusion has been made to the wit of Mr . F . E . Smith . or Before giving one two examples , it may be permissible to mention a witticism at his expense perpetrated by the

late Justice Grantham . The learned judge had been having a prolonged argument with the rising hope of WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 5 1

the Tory Party, during the greater part of the Sitting ’ it s s of the Court , and upon rising he entered a friend

~ motor car to drive home . Passing a building in the Strand of in course erection , the judge asked what the place fi was intended for . Oh , those are to be the of ces of I S 3 the Victorian Government . that all remarked

Sir William , with a smile , I thought from their size that ’ possibly they were to be F . E . Smith s new quarters . ’ o e His quickness of repartee is n of Mr . Smith s most

notable characteristics . He was addressing a meeting c b - in onnection with a y election some time ago , and was

holding forth on Tariff Reform . What about our

food was the insistent question of a man at the back .

At length , Mr . Smith could stand it no longer . Calmly

he turned towards his interrupter and said sweetly ,

You need not have any concern , sir ; no one has ever on w proposed to put a tax thistles . Your food ill be ” quite safe .

His epigrams are legion , while his biting humour has

made many an opponent writhe . ’ He once commented on Mr . Gladstone s passion for ” elaborate exposition . Mr . Gladstone , he said , carries r lucidity almost to the ve ge of baldness . And he thus referred to the death duties One section of the com munity lives to enjoy old-age pensions ; the other has ” to die to pay them .

A certain member had been returned as a Unionist , but when the House assembled had immediately crossed - the floor without seeking re election . ” He entered the House , said Mr . Smith , with quiet of sarcasm , not on the crest a wave , but rather by of means an opportune dive . Everyone in the House must appreciate his presence , for there could be no greater compliment paid to it than that he Should be in our midst , when his heart is far away . And it Should be obvious to all who know the honourable gentleman ’ s u scrup lous sense of honour , that his one desire at present

is to be amongst his constituents , who are understood ” e to be at least as anxious to me t him . 52 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

To Mr . Smith has been attributed the witty reply to r who a s the questione at a social gathering , inquired to the identity of a certain lady whose scanty gown enabled her to display somewhat more of her physical charms than is consistent with good taste . — Oh , that is a Russian lady of distinction the Princess ’ ” m ff n ee r f She izo . , O lo f Mr a r . Smith once made an amusing rem k about his - r . r . r f iend , Mr Chu chill The latter , as Under Sec etary for wa s the Colonies , engaged in mothering some small

Govern ment measure . There are many more ways of for a l addling a political egg , said the member W ton , ” r- r r than by giving it to an Unde Sec eta y to sit upon . And at Oxford he made the following delightful obse r

- vation on the Old Age Pension Act . It was before that

r . measu e had been amended . Mr Smith said : The

— - - pious Liberals they give you seven and six a week for own living with your wife , and ten Shillings a week for ’ ” for living somebody else s .

is . It a legend at Wadham College , Oxford , that Mr . F Sir r - r E . Smith and John Simon , the Atto ney Gene al , s r l tos ed up as to which political pa ty each Shou d join , it having been suggested to them that two such brilliant on e men could not belong to and the same party . Some ’ r r r r r is Va sity jeste p obably gave ise to the sto y , but it a fact that no more brilliant men have been turned out from Wadham at one and the same time . Sir John is r r Mr r Simon a yea younge than . F . E . Smith , the forme 1 8 2 r for having been born in 7 , and both were ma ked out r r distinguished ca ee s soon after they were thirty . r - a of Indeed , the appointment , at thi ty seven ye rs age , M - of r . . . K . 1 1 0 C. in 9 , J A Simon , , to be Solicitor General , of Sir c in place Rufus Isaa s , made him the youngest man of r modern times to hold that appointment . Lo d r who r a s r Selbo ne , Spent twelve yea s a junio , became Solicitor- General at forty-nine ; Lord H a lsbu ry at fifty ; Sir Robert Finlay at fifty-three ; Lord Robson at fifty ir - Sir u four S S . T . Evans at forty nine and Ruf s Isaacs h m t e sa e age . WITTY LAW YERS AND MAGISTRATES 53

son of The a Bath Congregational minister , Sir John Simon greatly distinguished himself as a student at Edin

wa s 1 8 . burgh and Oxford , and called to the Bar in 99 - 1 1 0 He became Solicitor General in 9 , and thus only took eleven years to win one of the biggest prizes in the legal r Sir profession . Sir Edwa d Carson declared once that

John , as a junior counsel , was the ablest he had ever known . AS r a legal humou ist , however , Sir John Simon has not

a great reputation , although he can be witty at times . In replying to the argument of a learned counsel to the effect that the continual use of certain letters in

a s . combination (such the W . G taxicab) may constitute

- - a trade mark , the Solicitor General began his speech by ’ saying My learned friend s argument would have F h . or u startling results example , if yo r lords ip were to

1 S. call for B . , the usher would at once hand you the ’

r of r . fi st volume Best and Smith s eports But , happily , W - 1 the ell established meaning of B . S . does not preclude the use of the same formula for other and perhaps more ” r gene ally popular purposes .

Sir John relishes a good story , and one told concerns a group of Scotch lawyers who met convivially at an run on e Ayrshire cold evening . The conversation turned

. of rr upon pronunciation Now I , said one the ba isters , n ther h ee r n et er . always says , while John he e says y ou sa ? What do y y, Sandy The hot tipple had made wa s Sandy doze , and at the sudden question he aroused , ” a whu k s s . and replied I Oh , I y y At the same legal gathering where Sir John Simon

. K . C. related this story Mr Richard Loveland Loveland , , recounted the following . The motorist was travelling at ’

. see an awful speed He didn t the dog , but he heard ” ki- i so f his y , he ordered the chau feur to stop . Then , stepping out of the car , he found an irate lady standing r e on s . ove her dead pet , of the ugliest brute imaginable r r She met the motorist with a ti ade of rema ks , telling him in no uncertain terms what she thought of him and a l motoring in gener , finishing up by calling him a murderer . 54 WITTY LAW YERS AND MAGISTRATES

he a he m wa s r. da It then he thought would p cify Ma , ”

l . he said , I wi l replace your dog

Sir , She said , in a freezing tone of voice , you flatter yourself 1 8 6 n l When , in 9 , Sir Douglas Straight fi al y abandoned Pa ll legal for literary work , and became editor of the M a ll Ga zette , there were those who Shook their heads in ’ n disapproval , contendi g that Sir Douglas s reputation t f no . would su fer, and that the paper would be the gainer a s we But , all know , Sir Douglas during the time he occupied the editorial chair of the Pa ll M a ll Ga zette — — 1 896 1 909 added a new and large chapter of achieve his of ments to career, and to the history this leading

Conservative organ . of As a matter fact , in quitting the Bench and Bar for the editorial chair Sir Douglas was but retu rning to

his first love . When he left Harrow he went to London , ! l and , with a iew to making a ittle money, turned his o h w t . T e Glo attention journalism An evening paper , w wa s n orm . o e , had just been started , and Mr Straight of h it s principal contributors . Montagu Williams a s told with considerable humour the story of his first meeting

with Sir Douglas . As I was crossing Waterloo Bridge one his sa w day, he says in reminiscences , I a young u f man go up to two newsboys and soundly c f their ears , their offence being that they had failed to call out The -w fi Glow orm in a suf ciently stentorian tone . It was ” Douglas Straight . When Straight and Williams were at the Bar together a s e they were usually spoken of the twins , becaus of o their friendliness . On ne occasion they had be en t l fighting a case against each o her at the Gui dhall . On leaving the Court they went off together arm-in -arm to the place where they had agreed to lunch . A by r stander , who had listened to the controversy in the Cou t , ’ ’ L or o I . t s observed sarcastically , , Bill , ain t we been s ld ’ - b w— - - u o . no in all a put p j Just look at em arm arm , ’ roarin a Both in law a nd literature Sir Dougla s ha s proved

56 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

s b me h t Dou a we ca hi m ut his na is St ra i . gl , ll , g — ’ J u s t St ra ight in e ve ryt hin g h e d n ever wa it An d l e t a rie n o u n er—o n a fe w f d g d ly , A er few c a n ma t ch ou r Dou a s v y , gl Do a s t en e r a n d t r e u u . gl , d

An d if t o -d a y we drop a t ea r ’ At rien shi s Sh rin e it is s in cere F d p , . Ma y h e a lth a n d h a ppin es s a t t e n d On a ll ou r i e— ou ea r old rie n y l f y d f d , Ma y Go d bless Dougla s !

St a n wa e h a n e rchie s sen iss es d , 49 , v dk f , d k St ra i ht rom ou r h ea rts a n d t h en t wo wish es g f y , , Go od L u c k ! L on g L ife !—in s ilen c e sa y ; Three c h eers for D ou gla s H ip ! pip ! pip ! hoo ra y !

Without doubt on e of the greatest legal- parliamentary

- t o . wits of day is the Irish Secretary , the Right Hon rr K C M P r a s Augustine Bi ell , . . . , who can be sati ical well a s a s r genial at times , may be gathe ed from the retort he made in his early days t o a colleague who reproached him ’ r because he took up a poor client s case fo nothing . won When the case had been , the client gratefully sent f 1 s sum o . r r him the s , which Mr . Bi rell accepted in orde o f wa s n t to give o fence . The result that a colleague “ wa s r said his conduct unp ofessional , in taking less than gold .

r . rr But I took all the poo beggar had , said Mr Bi ell ,

and I consider that is not unprofessional . ’ The wit and humour of Birrell s speeches and con sa t i s is r o ver on r . f r p ove bial What , instance , could be happier than his reply to the bishop who condoled with o r him on the death f his Education Bill . The P esident of r a s Mr wa s the Boa d of Education , . Birrell then , rr his replied , with a me y twinkle in eye Y es or t he is bu t I , my l d , Bill dead , believe in the r r on o f the esu recti dead . One of his best epigrams wa s that which he applied “ r C a s of r once to the Uppe h mber . The Hou e Lo ds , r bu t e he said , rep esent nobody thems lves , and they e njoy the full confidence of their constituents ; while WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 57

of the Press he has said : I agree that the Press is a a re mirror of the age . It reflects what people supposed r to want , far more than what they eally want .

Few people know what Mr . Birrell said when he heard that the Crown jewels had been stolen from Dublin

Castle . The visit of King Edward to the Emerald Isle ’

wa s of Mr . r was nearly due , and it part Bi rell s duty to walk backwards as the king advanced , and to carry his of big Sword State . ’ Many as are Mr . Birrell s accomplishments , walking n ot one backwards is , and he looked forward to the occasion with the liveliest emotion . When , therefore , the horror-struck officials announced the disappearance of r r : the egalia Mr . Birrell eplied Good heavens , I hope they remembered the sword !

r . one Among the sto ies which Mr Birrell tells , is con r of his who cerning an old judge , a f iend , had been in the habit of taking three glasses of port every day after dinner . r so for But the docto advised him to stop it , and he did four years . Then , not feeling much better, he went and who consulted the doctor again , said he might resume his former habits . ’ That s all very well , said the judge ; but what about the arrears And it was when he was proposing the toast of the of Royal Society Medicine , at the annual dinner , at

1 0 8 . rr the Hotel Cecil , in December , 9 , that Mr Bi ell told the story of his only visit to a doctor . ” “ set out Only once in my life , he said , did I in search of r a physician for myself . I sta ted on the j ourney to consult a distinguished doctor who lived in the neigh bourhood of r wa s Ha ley Street , and whom I knew a great expert on the disease to which I thought I was a victim .

It was a hot day in July , and I thought the time w m m had come to take my last walk . I alked fro y r house , which was in the neighbou hood of Addison Road , ’ to r r Harley St eet . The great physician s rooms we e 58 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES crowded with patients . While waiting I found on the table a book written by the great physician on the subject of the particular disease . I opened the book , and the r fi st words that caught my eye were , The patient who ” f r r r is su fering from this disease neve pe spi es . I had ha t Scotch blood in my veins , so I picked up my and out gloves and walked , and I have never seen that eminent ” physician from that day to this . r l r No less b i liant as a wit is Lo d Haldane , who succeeded L oreburn 1 1 2 . Lord as Lord High Chancellor in June , 9 Here is an illustration of hi s manner of meeting an em a a ssin wa s b rr g Situation . Some time ago he addressing a meeting , and was remarking that the Army had not f been his only love , when a lady su fragette made an interj ection and another rushed on to the platform and ” hi s l . hi Spoke to him These ladies , said lords p , rea ly chose a most embarrassing moment in my speech . I had just observed that the Army had not been my onl y love . Let me therefore free myself from misconception . ” o I was about t admit that I had flirted with the Law . sa wa s Needless to y, the laughter loud and long , and i was renewed when , after a th rd lady had interrupted , he said : The last interruption filled me with terror .

fli . I have mentioned love , and I have mentioned rtation ” r I will therefo e avoid any of these delicate topics .

A brilliant scholar and a keen student of philosophy , Lord Haldane received part of his education at Edinburgh r h University , and afterwa ds became scholar in p ilosophy at other Scottish universities . Some time ago , when he r visited Edinbu gh Academy , where he received part his s of earliest education , to inspect the cadet corp attached to the school , he related some interesting experiences . is It a great joy to me , he said , to be once more Y ou a re r r in the old school . , I think , a little mo e luxu ious t than we were then . I am told that the boys some imes

e on r s . spend twopence , and even threep nce , thei lunche

Now , we never had more than a penny . I recall how we used to fight for the currant bun and half an albert WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 59 ’ w across the bar in the janitor s indow . The only drinking water that was to be got wa s in a trough under the sway i of of ing bod es the mass boys fighting to get their lunches , and you dipped down as well a s you could and got a of for jugful water and crumbs , and Slaked your thirst ”

. wa s . the day It a good , hardy time

In taking up the appointment of Lord Chancellor , Lord Haldane went back to the sphere of activity which knew him before he attained eminence as a politician . wa s 1 8 wa s It in 79 that he called to the Bar , taking silk eleven years later ; and although he has put it on record that in his first year as a barrister he made only 0 - is £3 , and thought of going to Hong Kong , it estimated that before he became War Secretary his income did n ot r wa s fall far short of a yea . The marvel , in those days , that Lord Haldane , while working twelve r and fourteen hou s a day at law cases , also found time to r of take part in political st ife , to be Chairman Committees , ul governor of important bodies . and to write b ky volumes on abstruse questions in philosophy . ’ One gets a good illustration of Lord H a lda ne s sense of humour from the story he tells , much against himself , of how he became War Minister , and why . Seven ” 1 1 2 years ago , he said in October, , when a new . 9

- Ministry was being formed , Sir Henry Campbell Banner

or ffi . man sent for me , and suggested one two o ces I replied to him : There is another office I should f . o like I do not know much about it , but it is full most fascinating problems . Sir Henry asked What is that ” The War Office ; is it full ? one Sir Henry exclaimed , Full No will touch ” it with a pole . Here is another story which Lord Haldane tells against ” “

. r 1 8 8 himself I remembe , he says , in 9 being very anxious to get a Bill through Parliament for the establish — ment of a teaching university in London there wa s — a n d only an examining university I went to Mr . Chamber

wa s r . lain , who then very influential in the Gove nment 6 0 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

: Mr . Chamberlain said to me Excellent , but , dear ’ me , there is Birmingham , and before I knew where I r was he had got a charter th ough for Birmingham , and a a teaching university established in Birmingh m .

l X . ha C. . s AS a raconteur Mr Marshall Ha l , , too , a distinct of of r reputation , some the stories his ea ly days at the

Bar being particularly entertaining . One of the best is

that concerning a certain County Court action . I ” remember many years ago , said Mr . Hall when telling

u . the story , being taken down to a Co nty Court I

looked at the brief , and found that the whole amount for wa s to be sued Six pounds , while my own fee was

sum . a more than five times that , and I could not m ke wa s — the matter out . It an action for trespass seizing r c a n a horse in execution , and the sort of ho se it be — imagined and in the end I won . The case took the wa s h whole day . Then , when it all over , I heard t at there was a bet of five hundred pounds depending on of a l l e the result the case . The parties were horsey p ople ,

and they knew they would get a fair run for their money , ” and they used me for the purpose of a gamble . of his Mr . Hall also tells another amusing story early ot of successes . He had just g rid his wig and gown in - off n the robing room , and was preparing to go to lu ch , own r wa s on when , to quote his wo ds , I touched the wa s shoulder by a man I had never seen before , and h wa s asked if I would take a brief , w ich then handed to

of . me , marked with the enormous fee eight guineas It was an action against the London General Omnibus r Company , and I hastily read th ough the proofs I turned round to the solicitor and said ° ’ ’ haven t got a leg to stand upon . “ ‘ ? ’ He said , What do you mean ’ ‘ ’

a i ff . Well , I said , the pl nti cannot win this case ’ r ‘ I I am glad to hear that , he eplied , for am ’ a l of instructing you on beh f the Company . r My feelings can be better imagined than desc ibed .

of . Here was , indeed , a bit luck I did the case , which had been returned unexpectedly by a well -known member WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 6 1

for of the Bar , and lost it . I applied a new trial , and got it . of Concerning the lighter Side his work Mr . Hall tells a story relating to a witness whom he once asked t o of - give a definition absent mindedness . ” sa Well , said the witness cautiously, I should y that a man who thought he ’ d left his watch at home ’ ’ an took it ou t 0 his pocket to see if he had time to go — home t o get it I Should sa y that that chap was a little

- absent minded . Whether it is because they see t oo much of the sa d of r and seamy Side life , or whether they fear compa ison ca cti with Mr . Plowden , the genial Marylebone Court , it is diffi cult to say but the fact remains that a s humour ist s our n ot magistrates are generally distinguished . Occasionally a flash of wit and humour illuminates the r a s local cou ts , but a rule it would seem that magisterial or levity is tabooed , at any rate strongly resisted , during r i Cou t proceedings , although in private life our mag s trates as a rule are the most genial of men F or of a quarter a century , for instance , Mr . James Reader White Bros has listened to pitiful tales of London r life at the Cle kenwell Court , and has never been known of t to be guilty any hing approaching a joke . But he r possesses a powe of grim , caustic sarcasm that bites deep . f I am a flicted with kleptomania , wailed a fashion

- ably dressed shoplifter . “ ” r n Indeed , ejoined Mr. Bros , an u dertone of mock “ his sympathy in voice , it must be very bad to be i ik a ffl ct ed l e that . It is lucky for you that you came for to me , I possess an excellent cure for that malady ’ ” namely , six weeks hard labour . Th e story reminds on e of the genial irony of the late Sir wa s i r Albert de Rutzen , who credited w th a rema kable r —a r memo y for faces very valuable quality in a magist ate . for r Indeed , it was almost useless a malefactor to p etend

that he had never previously appeared before him . On t o off one occasion a prisoner , thinking get with a light 6 2 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

sentence , said that he had never appeared in the dock

before . The magistrate , however, refreshed his memory with the remark that they had met under similar circum

stances many years ago . ’ ’ ” E disc omfit ed one ain t a beak , muttered the , ’ amidst a storm of laughter from the Court e s a book On another occasion he astonished an old lady who had been hoping for many years to obtain some thousands of r pounds for breach of promise to mar y , alleged to have h ” er . been made to her in youth I know all about it ,

said Sir Albert , you spoke to me about it twenty

. l years ago I then advised you to instruct a so icitor . ” now The advice I give you is the same . ’ Sir Albert s successor as chief Metropolitan Magistrate , s the late Sir Henry Curtis Bennett , was also the po sessor of an exceptional memory , and it was not unusual for a

formerly convicted prisoner , who was congratulating himself that the beak would n ot remember his side- Slip of or r five six yea s previously , to be suddenly dumb founded with the remark

Y ou and I have met before . r A good aconteur , Sir Henry had a big stock of anecdotes for disposal . One recounted by him had a military flavour . r Q C C acker Johnson was up before the . again .

Luck had been dead against him the previous night , when r - having a friendly a gument with a red cap . ’ r see a i I m so ry to you here ag n , Johnson , said the ’

for r ou . colonel , I take a great inte est in y I ve known ou ou bo a s ou u y ever since y were a y , and , y know , yo r - father was my colour sergeant . In these circumstances I shall not punish you so much as I would otherwise have ’

C B . r . done . Fou teen days old Thank goodness gasped poor Cracker . ou sir What do y mean , ’ a n on Th k goodness , went Johnson , you didn t know my grandfather But of course there is no magisterial humourist like his Mr . Plowden , although reputation is seriously

6 4 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES a s n ot r of i r I am a millionai e , su ng the G eat Western Railway for giving up my bag at Gloucester Y ou Mr . Plowden must go to a solicitor if you want advice on that point .

The Poet I have achieved my object . I have seen n ow all the Sights of London , and I have seen you , and that is sufficient . I am going back to the American r continent . Hoo ah ! r r r r wit An exagge ated t ibute , maybe , but the p ove bial f is o . and humour Mr . Plowden its excuse r of My landlady started calling me all so ts , names , of r on e and course I etaliated , said a woman to him day in applying for process for assault . f r o . . Yes , course , rema ked Mr Plowden ! ’ ” Oh She s a bad woman , said the applicant , with emphasis . of Mr Yes , yes , the world is full them , commented . r of Plowden , and has been ever since the Ga den Eden . Applicant wen t on to sa y that her landlady had promised to make it up . ’ Mr : ou . Plowden But y don t expect a woman to r Y ou t oo r for keep her p omise . are much easonable that . ” r Give her time , and she will p obably do it again . on Mr . Plowden has often aired his views the opposite

sex .

A man hit me , and I hit him back , a woman said to ’ on e r ou him day . Yes , he eplied y wouldn t be a ’ woman if you didn t , nowadays . The following a r e some of his choicest epigr ams on r of su ffra women , mostly arising from the t ials militant t s g et e . s l The whole nature of the ex is a tered . Young women Show a complete absence of a nything - r like self cont ol , and a complete contempt for law and order . n ow l ot Women have a most g the upper hand , and a h r of woman wit a b oom can scatter any number men , ” - a r judging by present day appe ances . In dealing with ladies it is exceedingly unwise to WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 6 5

r of forecast anything . I am an admi er the sex , but my experience warrants me in saying that . ’ It would Seem that woman s nature is undergoing o very c nsiderable modification in the twentieth century , he said , in fining a woman for assault . The doves are r changing into eagles , and the sweet easonableness that used t o distinguish the sex is giving place t o a love of advertisement and a taste for unseemly scenes of rowdyism and violence . for Even the hatpin , designed such innocent purposes , is becoming in the hands of women as much a weapon of r r danger as the stiletto or the evolve . Prisoners plead strange excuses to him for leniency sometimes . “ r I am subject to hyste ics , said a woman charged wa s on with being drunk . I the top of an omnibus , and ” the wind overcame me .

of r r r . Mr The winds Novembe we e app oaching . Plow r den eyed her solemnly . You have a t ying time before ” f ou . o y , he said What will happen to you in a gale wind I shudder to imagine . Every domestic trouble imaginable is brought to my ” “ - Mr . r notice , once said Plowden , f om cock crowing to the bursting of boilers . How well he deals with such cases is best illustrated by a few anecdotes . or r My wife comes home two th ee nights a week , complained a labouring man . She also throws lighted t o lamps at me . I had walk about all last night because o I was afraid to g in . ou ? Why do y come here to get courage was Mr . ’ Plowden s quick retort . “ ’ her If something isn t done I shall leave , resumed

r . the man , igno ing the question she for And then will summon you maintenance , r r a r flect v l ema ked the m gistrate e i e y . do Then what am I to moaned the applicant . ” c a n ca cti The very best you , replied the diplomatic ally, calling for the next application . 6 6 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

Two tiny boys had stolen some milk , left unguarded in the open street by a tradesman . They pleaded that they r were thi sty . ”

? . What can you expect cried Mr Plowden . To leave cooling drinks about in summer weather is a t empt a of tion to the thirsty . What would you think a j eweller who hung up his watches outside his shop The pri soners ” are discharged . On another occasion the Court happened to be filled with hotel and inn proprietors during the hearing of an wa s r . impo tant case Mr . Plowden quick to notice it . of Gazing round with a smile , which only he knows the r : r secret , he rema ked The e seem to be more publicans in Court than Sinners . Have you any friends he said on another occasion ” wa s r . . to a p isoner None , the reply That may be wa s an advantage , the magisterial comment . r The wit of Mr . Plowden is mo e appreciated because it f is o the kindliest . He never intentionally makes a jest ’ calculated to wound anyone s feelings . With hooligans r and hardened p isoners he does not joke , but he is by no means averse to a quip at the expense of a too vigilant r policeman . Some time ago a man was b ought before r r r him cha ged with diso de ly conduct . The constable r i said he had hea d a noise in the dead of night , and , go ng r r round the corne , found the prisone and another larking ? about and laughing . Why should they not laugh

. . n asked Mr Plowden It was long after mid ight , and ” u r h in a respectable neighbourhood , yo r wo s ip , replied ou of the policeman . Can y alter the character the r r neighbou hood by laughing inqui ed Mr . Plowden . Do you ever laugh ? Are you a constable without a r smile Then , tu ning to the prisoner , he said Laugh ” Y ou a r . as long as you can in this wo ld are disch rged . Which reminds one that a short time ago a ma n wa s

r r . r b ought befo e Mr Plowden at Marylebone Police Cou t , charged with wandering abroad and lodging in the ’ ” o r open a ir in the vicinity of Regent s Pa k . A constable sta ted that he found prisoner lying asl eep on the footway WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 6 7

’ about five o clock in the morning . He woke him up and

cautioned him . e ? Mr . Plowd n What for If he is asleep he is not

r . wandering , unless he is wande ing in his sleep You were r r wande ing , pe haps The constable stated that the man ha bitually Slept out

rr . at night , and was getting into a te ible condition ’ Mr . Plowden But why Shouldn t he sleep out if he likes ’ ” to He doesn t do any harm to anybody but himself . r r out To the p isoner , who u ged that he slept all night ’ because he hadn t enough money to pay for a lodging ,

Mr . Plowden said Well , I am not going to punish you rr for this . I am only so y you were disturbed in your

Sleep . You are discharged . And there is sound wisdom in his remark to the prisoner ’ who said : I am sorry to sa y I fell asleep . Don t r apologise for that rema ked Mr . Plowden ; it is the I n most delightful th g in the world . ’ At Brooks s they tell the story of how Mr . Plowden was - r once discussing beverages with a fellow membe . Have ? r you ever tried gin and ginger beer asked the othe . ” ’ No , replied Mr . Plowden , but I ve tried a lot of ” fellows who have .

Not long ago Mr . Plowden cracked this little joke at the expense of a teetotaler -a lady who was charged with

being drunk and incapable . Constable stated that as r She seemed unable to stand by he self , he came to the r r conclusion that She wa s the worse fo d ink .

Mr . Plowden What made you think she was drunk ” She was unable to stand .

. of Mr Plowden A lot people cannot stand , but they ” are not drunk .

wa s . The prisoner urged that she not drunk , but ill

She had been shopping , and , feeling faint , had decided to - get into the open air . What happened after that She did

. a not know She declared that she was total abstainer ,

and had never touched anything intoxicating whatever .

Mr . Plowden said he wa s quite disposed to believe all

that She said , and did not believe that She was drunk . 6 8 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

’ h ou r Per aps if y hadn t been a total abstaine , he added , ’ but had taken a little nourishment , you wouldn t have of r r been ill . These are the j oys ma ty dom . If you are a teetotaler and fall about the streets you must take the Y ou a r r e . risks . discha ged i Mr h a s r AS on e m . might i ag ne , Plowden no exagge ated of own n or of of idea his importance , the dignity his ” f r r n o fice . My cle k and I , he once said , in desc ibi g how the business of the Marylebone Police Court wa s carri ed “ on r r , form an ideal pa tne ship ; he listens without de ” ciding , while I decide without listening . It is an incident which recalls the remark of a certain stipendiary who wa s remarkable for the modesty which r accompanies wisdom . Once , afte a long investigation of of his the facts a case , he publicly confessed that wa s f knowledge not su ficient to enable him to decide it . r r P ay , said a po tly bystander, do you expect the ” community to pay you for your ignorance ? I do ” r i r u not , meekly answe ed the mag st ate . The comm nity for r pays me Well what I know . If it we e to attempt to pay me for what I do not know the treasures of the city n ot f would su fice . r his M . Plowden tells a good story of appointment to r r 1 r magiste ial ank in 888 . When I fi st obtained my n r r of appoi tment as stipendia y , he elates , full zeal for ffi n n a my new o ce , and rejoici g at havi g at l st a chance ’ of r r see doing a day s wo k befo e I died , I went to my chief in order to get hints from him a s t o how I might m ffi f r see o . make yself most e cient my duties Let me , ’ ou — e r Plowden , said he , y had better read the Pawn ’ of r brokers Act , and get in a supply F ench novels , and ’ ’ ot I think you ll be all right . Well , I g the French ’ r r r novels , but I neve read the Pawnb oke s Act , and have r r s never eg etted n ot having done o . his r a n r . Of ea ly days , Mr Plowden tells an ente t i ing s circuit tory concerning Mr . L a certain talented a n d - r r of who how highly cultu ed membe the profession , , - s wa s ever, mainly through absent mindedne s , usually to be seen in a most slovenly a n d unkempt condition . WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES 6 9

r On a certain g and night at mess , a wag got up at the table and proposed the toast of the Baths and Wash houses of the Oxford Circuit coupled with the name of h r s L r T e wa . M . L d aw successful m of r r with the odesty a f eshman , ose to return thanks , blushing with delight at the compliment that had been of r paid him . Notwithstanding the peals laughte that r accompanied his rema ks , he continued to speak in a of r strain unsuspecting ea nestness , and resumed his seat quite unconscious of the joke that had been played on him . He also tells the story of a man who had over- estimated

who . his capacity for the amber fluid , and was arrested In the Police Court the next morni ng the usual charge of wa s intoxication filed against him , and he was fined twenty shillings , which he promptly paid . This done , he out rr n went with a wo ied expression on his cou tenance , only to return a few minutes later a n d cautiously approach r the cle k . SI r ou Please , , he said , would y just give me a receipt for that twenty Shillings I paid you I want to ’ ” n n Show my wife I didn t Spend all my money o dri k . ’ r Plo den s Illust ations of Mr . w inimitable humour have f r r t e been a fo ded at several public gathe ings , and the in e tion of his breezy Spirit spread to the members of the ’ a f r of r r who He d Chau feu s Club Great B itain and I eland , 1 1 1 entertained him at their annual dinner in December, 9 . In his Speech the genial magistrate referred to the ’ on addresses recently delivered by the Dean of St . Paul s r of the Spi it the Age , and said it seemed to him that the critics had missed the point of the whole affair in assuming r of r that the spi it the age was democ acy . Why , gentle of is n ot men , he continued , the Spirit the age demo cracy . It is petrol , and the wizard who wields it is that in dependent being who darts like lightning through the streets and refuses t o lower his flag for anything less than ou s old eightpence . Y all know what travelling wa in the on days , when highwaymen lay in wait for the coachmen r t o ba e and blasted heaths . Well , it seems me that the f modern chau feur is a combination of two chara cters . 70 WITTY LAWYERS AND MAGISTRATES

He has all the steadin ess of the coachman a n d just a

of n . c a n dash the i imitable highwayman I assure you , his he said , as he resumed seat , that next time we meet I Shall fine you with more confidence than ever I did before . Even more humourous were his remarks t o members of f the Press Club in 1 90 9 . During the course o his Speech he said : It wa s among the anomalies of thi s country that if some itinerant Mercury in the streets of Marylebone happened t o hawk about What was call ed false wa s news he run in , and he could be fined a Shilling out of his slender pocket ; but if some r of r r e edito a g eat newspape , in his chair, allow d to appear in his newspaper the following morning a terminological inexactitude as to which he had — little or no doubt himself a n inexactitude which carried misery and pain and anguish to hundreds and — thousands of people he did n ot kn ow that there f r o r . was any means co ecting it AS for magistrates , he could best give an example by a story of a police r r magist ate which he knew to be true . The magist ate

' wa S lea ving his Court on e day in the dead season of r s wa s wa r n . the yea , and it pou i g with rain He making wa out of his y in an omnibus to his club , when , looking his wa s r on the window , eye att acted by a news sheet ,

sa w . which he his name in enormous capitals , Mr Jones ’ on . wa s r Peace He a sensitive pe son , and he allowed t o of himself think what had passed in his Court , but he could remember nothin g that wa s n ot sordid and a s wa s on commonplace . There w what called a cloud the a l n horizon , internation relations were strai ed , and every wa s r r l body expecting statements f om impo tant po iticians . hot o r see his He felt , therefore , and unc mfo table to name his connected with peace . When he reached club he s e sa w rushed to the file , seized a new pap r, and that that morning there had bee n a quarrel between two t : You Sisters over a dead rabbit , and hat he had said ’ f a s had better make it up for the sake o peace . That w

BYGONE LE GAL WITS JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF THE OL D DAYS

PART I

CHAPTER III

BYGONE LEGAL WITS

JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF THE OLD DAYS

PART I

i s s i m n s — e n a 0 twa . Just c is la me a well a bl d o g u . y

OF late years the question has frequently been asked whether the members of the judicial Bench in this country r r r are as clever as thei p edecesso s , and almost everyone

qualified to give an opinion has declared that , with a few of exceptions , the judges the past generation were far on abler men , at least the Common Law Side , than

those of the present day . It is also freely asserted that wearers of the ermine in days gone by were far wittier

- than those of to day . f Be that as it may, su ficient examples have been given of n ow in another part this book to Show that and again ,

at any rate , some sparkling humour is still to be enjoyed

in the Courts , although the tendency seems to be to force oil jokes which bear evidence of the midnight , when the ” of pleadings causes to be tried have been read up , for and all possible opportunities fun duly noted . One Court in the Palace of Justice is daily filled by regular who habitues expect to pleasantly while away the time , regaled by remarks from the Bench which cause the ” newspaper reports to be punctuated with laughter , “ ” ” i ’ loud laughter, roars of laughter, a farth ng s worth wit a s of being often taken though it were an ingot . This apparently wa s not the way in which the older of g eneration judges amused the spectators . Desire to 75 70 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

of be in the limelight was never a part their daily task . r Jokes with them we e usually spontaneous , and con r sequently all the mo e appreciated . r - r In extenuation of p esent day judges , howeve , one

might quote the remark of Lord Justice Vaughan Williams , r l who a Short time ago said Judicial wo k is rather du l , ri and if a judge attempts , however feebly , to b ghten his o r lab u s with a gleam of humour , he is entitled to sympathy, even if he does not always deserve the laughter that

greets his sallies . who On the , other hand , there are those strongly obj ect of to a mixture law and laughter , and not long ago there wa s a somewhat pathetic plea for a more judiciou s use of r G nt ewo n judicial humou published in the e l ma . is r of There nothing , said the write , which the r B itish nation is prouder than the purity of its judges . While most of the other countries of the world complain of of r the corruptness a section of its Bench , not a b eath of Slander is ever breathed against the unsullied probity of r those who administe the law in England . ou r r But , while judges are free f om those venal practices which have brought the Bench of other countries of a re u r l into disrepute , some them g ilty of othe fau ts of which sadly retard the course justice , and detract r of conside ably from the dignity the law . I refer more particularly to the habit which a few of the judges have contracted of making a joke (sometimes funny, sometimes on feeble) , every possible occasion . — It is as seductive as the drug habit the more it is it— indulged in , the greater is the desire for and the judge oe in question is a hopeless J Miller . The most serious side of the question is the lamentable o i waste f public time wh ch judicial jokes involve . A joke emanating from the Bench is not like the ordinary sa t quip in company , which can be promptly upon . A nice sense of deference compels counsel on either t o l d r r Side smi e lou ly, though f equently against thei will the officials dutifully hold their Sides the legal limbs at the f h back gu faw while a raucous ripple runs t roughthegallery . THE OL D DAYS 77

All this takes time to subside , and when we take into consideration the fact that expensive counsel are some n - re r times e gaged at fat fees with hundred guinea ref she s , it is not difficult to calculate that the long-suffering litigants ’ have to pay for the judge s jokes at the rate of so many

Shillings a minute . for r If judges want to satisfy their craving humou ,

they Should pay for it themselves . A solution of the ffi t o r di culty would be to compel them w ite a comedy , of consisting of a type j oke they indulge in , and mounting it on at their own expense . The loss production would ” o Speedily cure them f the habit . r a re The e occasions , however, when a joke forces so t o on itself , speak , a judge ; when he would indeed be accused of lacking in humourous perception if he did not take advantage of the opportunity for a little

mirth .

To give an instance . Ha lsbur who Lord y, occupied the Woolsack for more r r years than any othe Chancello , save Lord Eldon , once caused the famous Baron Bramwell to excel himself r a s Mr r f at the Glamo gan Assizes , where . Ha dinge Gi fard - r wa s Ba r the Ex Chancello leader of the South Wales . wa s for On one occasion he counsel a local authority , wa s for r r and fighting thei cause with g eat vehemence . r r Baron B amwell , the p esiding judge , had noticed this , and at last he inquired the reason for such enthusiasm r of on the pa t the distinguished counsel . You a re not ” ” ou r r r a Welshman , y know , obse ved the Ba on . T ue , r f r eplied Gi fa d , but I have had a good deal out of ” r them in my time . Ah , reto ted the judge , then ” we may take it that you are a Welshman by extraction . r r r B amwell , howeve , was a natu ally witty man . It wa s he who invented the well- known classification of r r r r r r r pe ve te s of the t uth lia s , d d lia s , and expe t ” s r witne ses . At a late date he added a fourth class r r r r Sir r r my brothe F ede ick , meaning , of cou se , F ede e - ick Bramwell , p rhaps the best known expert engineer

witness of his day, who survived the judge many years 78 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

’ A further illustration of the Baron s dry humour is afforded by the story of a professional check whi ch

Mr . Plowden received in his early days at the hands of

Bramwell . r Mr . Plowden had been b iefed to defend a man at

f . the Sta ford Assizes As chance would have it , the r r wa s n r u p isone arraig ed du ing the luncheon ho r , when

Mr . Plowden had left the Court , and he was disgusted ” t o on r ui find eturn that he had actually pleaded g lty .

Mr . Plowden at once sought the judge and asked him r r p ivately to let the plea be withd awn , explaining to ri him the position , and assu ng him that had he been in i iff Court he would have advised the pr soner d erently . r The learned Ba on demurred at first , but seeing his earnestness he gave way, and the prisoner was permitted to withdraw his plea . The trial came on , and after

Mr . Plowden had addressed the jury with much sum fervour , the learned Baron proceeded to up as foll ows :

Gentlemen of the Jury , the prisoner at the Bar is r indicted for stealing a ho se . To this charge he has r in h pleaded guilty, but the lea ned counsel is conv ced t is

wa s . r on e a mistake The question , therefo e , is for you , ou gentlemen , which you will believe . If y should have any doubt , pray bear this in mind , that the prisoner ’ ” was there and the learned counsel wasn t . ’ Lord Bramwell s most entertaining judgment is per wa s r haps not very well known . It a d eary equity case of r h l h e in the Court Appeal , and his lo ds ip de ivered ims lf thus I have li stened attentively for two days to the learned and lucid arguments of the very eminent counsel , r n one of without , unfo tunately, being able to understa d them and I have listened to the profound and luminous judgments of my learned brethren with still greater

re sa r u . attention , but I gret to y, with no better es lt ‘ r . a s I am , therefo e , of the same Opinion they are , and ” for the same reasons . a l r who u It was so Lo d Bramwell , when a co nsel urged his wa s his ri a s that client not responsible for c me , she

8 0 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

’

. Mr . Candy I bow t o your lordship s superior know ledge . r on l Late in the case , Lord Esher asked why the etters r e r which had passed between the pa ti s we e in French .

Mr . Candy replied That is a language which lends r of r itself more eadily to this class cor espondence . wa s o r for of This the ppo tunity the Master the Rolls .

. ou ? i Ah , ah , Mr Candy , y know that , do you sa d his ou r so s lordship . I thought y we e not innocent a you ” pretended to be just n ow. r Mr . Candy The e are Courts in this building where neither Judge n or Counsel is supposed t o know anything outside the case being argued . Lord Esher : Remember in future that that is n ot my Court . There wa s on e member of the Bench whose ignorance of all ordinary everyday sayings and doings wa s loyall y

. s a s accepted That wa Sir William Grove . He w a great Socialist and a distinguished patent lawyer . One day he jocularly remarked that he had been made a judge because he was supposed to know something of r patent law , but that he had neve tried such a case , his chief business being to preside at trials of libel and

slander actions . r r Mr . Justice Grove , in the ea ly seventies , t ied the Election petition presented against the return of the Sir r r r r of then Hen y James , afte wa ds Lo d James Here on re - i ford , for Taunton , seeking election and appo ntment ’ r- r r i r as Solicito Gene al in Mr . Gladstone s fi st adm nist a C s r . r tion . Mr . Cha les Russell , Q . , afterwards Lo d Ru sell of of wa s s Killowen , Lord Chief Justice England , coun el for r n t o r the petitione , and he exami ed a witness p ove

bribery by an agent . The man averred that he had ’

r . been p omised a quid to vote for James A quid , ’ r r is a quid , rema ked Sir William G ove , what that r a s t o in n o I have hea d the term applied tobacco , but other sense .

a r . Which recalls a story of the late Mr . Justice L w ance On one occasion he astoun ded the Court by innocently THE OLD DAYS 8 1

for asking , in a case in which a barmaid , suing breach of promise , said her acquaintanceship with the defendant ” began by his coming in and asking for a Scotch , What ’ s a Scotch ? while trying to look as grave as who W ho ? another judge once asked , is Dan Leno and

Mr . Justice Day, who caused hardly less astonishment by r r ? the bland inter ogation , Who is She lock Holmes or r of r The feigned , eal ignorance judges , howeve , r has given rise to many amusing stories . The late Lo d - St . Helier , a man usually well acquainted with social r o who life in all its g ades , nce had before him a witness r referred t o the liquor commonly known as small bee . And may I ask what small beer is ? queried his r ou c a n Lordship . Oh , eplied the witness , y get a f ” of or . pint it a penny Indeed , said the President , ou lifting his eyebrows in astonishment , I thought y ha d t o give threepence a glass for beer . of r Mr . Justice Darling , besides being a man the wo ld , r r is a literary man , the efore , presumably, a close obse ver r of every conspicuous incident in the lite ary world . Yet at the time when everybody was talking or reading of of that sensational novel , The Mystery a Hansom r r Cab , he solemnly told a Court that he had neve hea d of it wa s r , much less read it . That p obably true , but wa s n it also amazi g . Sir r r Again , Alf ed Wills , hea ing a witness in a case - u se concerning horse racing the words a cert , blandly r r asked , What is a cert A ce t , my lo d , ex “ u t o plained co nsel , glad enlighten a Judge , is what ” ou ou r r you think y have when y back ho ses . Still mo e recently another learned Judge unblushingly confessed his r of in Open Court igno ance what a bicycle suit is , a n d f is his what a Ski f , although aquatic tastes are fully proclaimed by the presence on the mantel of his cham of two bers fine model yachts . A remarkable ma n in many respects was Judge Law r wh o r 1 1 2 . ance , died in Decembe , 9 He was made a ’ j udge of the King s Bench Division on the retirement of r the late Lord Field, and resigned a few months befo e F 82 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

- on . his death , after twenty two years the Bench As a judge he displayed the virtues of painstaking prudence r w and caution , preferring always in matte s ith which he wa s on of r unfamiliar , to rely the judgment othe s when n f that wa s available . A striki g example o the late ’ judge s wisdom in this respect is found in the historic of r r case B itish South Af ica Company v . Companhia wa s r de Mocambique , which a gued at immense length with reference to authorities from the beginning of our f r legal history in the House o Lo ds . The Divisional his r Court consisted of Lawrance and junio , the lamented ‘ — R . S . Wright . Their decision reversed in the Court — of Appeal but restored in the House of Lords wa s to the effect that our courts have no jurisdiction to enter for r on r tain an action a t espass la n d situate ab oad . r r r t o t o a n d Law ance p efe red leave everything the jury , r a s u w to t ammel them little as possible . The res lt a s that — applications for a new trial were n ot often successful a n d when a fresh trial wa s ordered it wa s more usually for

- — non direction than for mis direction . His obiter dicta r of we e often gems sound sense . r r di a l l Apa t from his pu ely ju ci and lega capacities , wa s his dr the late judge famous in the courts for y humour , it s which had roots in practical common sense . He wa s much disposed to exercise his gift at th e expen se r i of counsel when the latte gave him a fa ir Open ng . Some years ago a schoolboy wa s suing th e London County Council for damages for a broken leg resulting from a ’ his tramway accident . The boy s counsel invited lord ship t o read a certificate of good character given to the i h s r . lad by schoolmaste But Mr . Justice Lawrance , r of rr a i o eve impatient i elevance , w ved the d cument ’ ’ ” r away . It didn t b eak the boy s leg , he murmured , in on e of his characteristic asides . Once a very junior barrister rushed into Court just a s wa s r a i Sir John ising , and asked that a c se in wh ch he wa s concerned might stand out of the list for a day or ” ou two . Certainly , I Shall be glad to oblige y , said if s a i e Judge Lawrance . Then , that is done , I h ll be qu t THE OL D DAYS 83

a s satisfied , said the barrister, rather bumptiously , he gathered his papers together . The Judge glanced at him ” o . , f , , and , suppressed a smile That course he said in ” his quiet way , doubles my pleasure . r r There were titte s in Cou t , and the patronising young man left blushing like a maid of seventeen . As a judge Sir John was much given to silence until it r came to his tu n to sum up . But he liked a j oke as well of as anybody , and had gifts satire which he used occa a l sion l y . These were shown once in a case where the present Lord Chief Justice made a rather flowery of Speech in defence a very bad character . “ ” r Your able and lea ned counsel , said his lordship , r r r addressing the p isone , has desc ibed you as an upright

. see 1 man . He may be right I that in 890 you were ‘ convicted of coining ; that of itself may be an act of

r . 8 rectitude . I exp ess no opinion In 1 93 you were sent to prison for three months for keepI ng a gambling house of that again may be an attribute rectitude . Since then of r you have been convicted fo gery , which , also , perhaps , r — r is consistent with ectitude and , again , I exp ess no on opinion . But , the whole , I think you had better go Six to prison for months with hard labour .

Concerning his suavity many stories . are related of

Judge Lawrance . He was once passing sentence on a r r r r man , and in the cou se of his p eliminary ema ks he ” r r referred to him as a p ofessional bu glar . The prisoner ” r r ~ raised loud p otests f om the dock Here , he ex rofes claimed , I dunno wot you mean by calling me a p ’ ’ sioual burglar . I ve only done it once before , and I ve been nabbed both times . u Mr . J stice Lawrance beamed upon him . ” r Oh , I did not mean to say, he rema ked , in his most suave manner , that you had been very successful in r you profession .

Mr . Justice Lawrance had very little patience wi th or fads humbug . Not long ago a woman was plaintiff in a case , and she was supposed to have invented some wonderful herb-medicine which would cure a number of 84 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

who things . Whom do you know has taken this ? cure the judge demanded of one witness . My fo d . r husband , my lor He took it a month , and then there wa s another judge Where is your husband ”

rr . now, inte upted Judge Lawrance He is dead now ,

. r answered the witness Up went the judicial eyeb ows . ” Just what I expected , he said . on Judge Lawrance was excellent terms with counsel , o but he liked t poke fun at them sometimes . On one h C. is K . r r occasion a famous had protested against ema ks . : r In summing up , his lordship said You obse ved the

f . little di ference between Mr S and myself . Do

of . r not take any notice it It is pa t of the game . It sometimes helps counsel to get up a little scene with the judge , for the sympathy of the jury is seldom with the ” sit man who sits where I . Sir John was troubled with deafness in the later years of r his his judicial ca eer , and he occasionally turned o infirmity into the service f humour . At least he a lways contrived not to hear unnecessary or inconvenient obser r r va tions made in Court . A peculia ly unfo tunate joke wa s rr of made by a ba ister about the habits his leaders , and an eminent King ’ s Counsel thought it necessary to r address a p otest to the judge . But the latter sai d he r s o had not hea d the tactless joke , and the matter ended . But when with rather a patronising a ir another counsel so r on told a witness not to go fast , but keep you eye ’ r his lordship s pen , Mr . Justice Law ance at once looked r his - up f om note taking , and said to the witness , Never ” v mind my pen . Just go on with your e idence . wa s k u The judge , however , a man of indly h man r r who wa s sympathies . He once t ied a stoke charged r with attempted murde , having , in fact stabbed a fellow his f r workman whom he found in wi e s bed oom . The wa s r r r provocation ce tainly ext eme , and the judge ecog ’ n ised it by sentencing the prisoner to fourteen days r r : r wa s imprisonment , and by ema king You act a r for natura l one . I feel ve y sorry you .

dr a nd t wa s . ti t Equally y sarcas ic Mr Jus ce Ca ve , a THE OL D DAYS 85

of times . In a certain breach promise case which came r f befo e him , the defence was that plainti f and defendant r r r wa s r of had ag eed to live togethe , but the e a lette defendant ’ s in existence the contents of which left it Open to the jury to infer that there was a corroboration of r the alleged promise , if they we e inclined to take the view . The defendant was a rich man , a prominent

- member of a first class London Club . When he went into e - box r the witn ss , instead of adhe ing to the line of defence in the pleadings , he posed as a martyr who had been r seduced by the female . Afte he had been detailing his for Sir woes some time , Lewis Cave observed r r off on Come , come , the e is anothe Joseph putting it ’ ” Potiphar s wife . I must take a note of this . The , only person who did not join in the merriment was the defend it ant , who may be added was cast in damages amounting to some hundreds of pounds . Mr The late . Justice Day once made a remark which ffi ed r sadly ru a West End doctor . The latte had sued a r fo gentleman for a la ge bill r attendance on his wife . wa s not The action defended , but it was necessary for f t o rr of r the plainti f prove the co ectness his cha ges . This wa s he immediately did . He about to leave the witness How box , when the judge said many times did you see sir r m this lady , Two hund ed and seventy times , y ” r r I S r r lo d , replied the docto . she alive fu the asked ”

wa s r r . the judge . Oh , yes , my lord , the ejoinde r r r Dear me , you su p ise me , rema ked the judge . The ’ doctor s countenance was a study . r Sir Like Judge Law ance , John Day, during the last or on year two that he was the Bench , became somewhat r r deaf . One mo ning when he entered his Cou t he inti mated that his infirmity was more troublesome than usual , and that members of the Ba r who desired him to hear ” r their obse vations would have to speak up . A budding ” r junior was in the fi st case . My lord , he began in the ’ ordinary tone . No good , said the judge , I can t ” ” r hear you . My lo d , said the counsel in a louder voice . Still he was told that his remarks did not reach 86 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

r the judicial ear . A thi d attempt was a shout . Excel ” lent , observed his lordship Keep it up at that . But ” wa s r a this easie suggested than executed . My c se is , f n n ot r said the stu f gow sman , but the judge did comp e ” d a re in hen . You caged in , he said , as indicat g what r n impression the wo ds had made o his mind . I do not of see any obstruction in the body the Court . Every body seemed satisfied with this sally, and from that moment the barrister was able t o convey his views with comparative ease . ’ Judge Day s pet aversion wa s a counsel with a mous r of i tache , and he had a standa d method pok ng fun at rr r n wa s a l him . When such a ba iste was speaki g , it ways ’ ”

sa r ou . odds that the judge would y , I can t hea y Counsel would then speak up more loudl y ; but again his lordship would complain that he could not hear . The r t o t o pleader would aise his voice p pitch , and then at r i last Mr . Justice Day would break forth into a b oad sm le

r r : of . and dryly ema k Well , course , Mr Gown , if you will insist on covering your lip with a canopy of hairs you c a n t expect a n ybody t o hear you ! The judge had for wa s played up his point , and having obtained it , satis

fied . Counsel would afterwards proceed without inter ruption . How Commissioner Kerr had the same objection . ca n ou Sir ou I hear y , , if y cover up your muzzle like a terrier dog ? he once asked an advocate with a beard and moustache . ’ r r r Well , I d athe be an English terrie than a Scotch h ca r wa s . w o , the reply The Commissioner, could his own e appreciate a smart reply even at expense , chuckl d ” r r and me ely rema ked Get on . Judge Day also had the strongest possible dislike t o the t oo r a n d a l t o wo dy counsel , ways tried make the Court on e rr wa s laugh at him . On occasion a young ba ister r n lea medl r t on discou si g very y and still mo e leng hily, a r t ivial matter . Then , my lord , he observed , comes ’ of m lord the question the bags ; but , , they might have ’ or u or m lord been full bags, half f ll bags , again , , they

88 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

sovereigns that he might not be near you , what was I to do On another occasion Hu ddlest on e arrived in Baden ” l r his C Baden and du y insc ibed his name and Q . and ” of r i MP o . in sc r . in the hotel b ok visito s But to his p ” - tion someone added the words , Tuft hunter and Toady , in handwriting so Similar that the whole read a s on e n continuous and genuine annou cement . In this light the authorities seem t o have viewed it . They copied the words litera tim t o , honestly believing them convey some social r distinction , and next morning , g eatly to the amusement ’ of the r social cote ie , Huddy s name appeared in the offi cial list of visitors with the queer additions of Tuft on t o hunter and Toady tacked his titles . of Hu ddlest on e A story is told , too , , that when travel ling a s the guest of some titled friends his obsequious demeanour toward them resulted in hi s host being charged for half the ordinary rate his expenses , under the suppo s sit ion that he wa a courier . Although there are cynics who sneer at our judges and of lawyers as men warped and bigoted mind , much wise counsel and pleasant advice to litigants emanates at r n d times from the Bench . Pe haps o judge istinguished himself so much in the way of givin g advice a s Judge on e of r of who wa s a d Willis , the most o iginal judges , mit t ed to have a finer knowledge of common law than l a nyone in the land . Judge Wil is once confessed that he r r on r never used the telephone , neve t avelled a tube ail r r r r way , exp essed su p ise when told that the London Gene al ra n o r Omnibus Company m tor omnibuses , neve gambled of even to the extent a penny , and never attended a place

of amusement . f r His pet aversion was slang . I have no ta ste o or r r slang , rude vulga exp essions , he once said , and he did not hesitate to express his disapproval of them when

sitting on the Bench . one A defendant was absent from Court day , and it wa s stated that he had not arrived because he wa s ” f - e o . frightened getting the sack Tut tut , repli d THE OL D DAYS 89

’ ’ the judge ; don t use the word sack . I have never a n r a n d r r seen y pe son put in the sack , you exp ession has no meaning .

ot on . A witness said he had g the telephone No , n o sir r on , , said the judge , you we e never the telephone on Y ou you were your feet , I hope . communicated by of ou a means the telephone , y me n I suppose it is a

'

seen on e . reality, but I have never Don ’ t talk to me about people being in the same ” r t o r on boat , he rema ked a solicito another occasion , ” a re n ot when they in a boat at all . And when a witness at Southwark County Court ” r r r r r eferred to his mate , his Honou inte rupted sha ply ? ou sir . What did y say , Well then , mother sa Did you y mater Yes , Sir . Give up the

Latin , and call her mother . There is no sweeter word —so r in our language consec ated by time . Call your ’ ” r fathe your father , too , and not the guv nor . of r And talking mothe s , Judge Willis once made a

r . remark with which , we fea , few mothers will agree ’ ” One of the happiest times of a woman s life , he said , is while she is looking after children who are down with ” the measles . Apparently, however , Judge Willis was of fond children in all circumstances , for he caused some thing like a sensation in his Court on one occasion by refusing to allow a noisy baby to be taken outside . Let ” ” it remain , he said , babies do not disturb me . Of marriage he once said : I married at the age of r - one thi ty one , and I think it of the most deplorable facts of life t o- day that young men are not able to marry r h nea er twenty than thirty . I thoroug ly endorse the saying , Happy is the nation whose people marry ’ young . And he out Mica wbered Micawber with this declaration ’ r w Don t be af aid of your debts write them do n , carry mm e on with you , look to them occasionally, and smil ” 31 m e . One of the few cases on record of a coincidence as i to names leading to a very w tty retort , is the celebrated 90 J UDICIAL HUMOUR OF

encounter that took place , some years ago , between Mr .

K . M C. r K . . C. Willis , , as he then was , and Dickens ,

’ Mr l Little . Willis , as he used to be ca led in the Courts , had been conducting his case in his usual strenuous of manner, and had in the course an impassioned Speech r r i referred pe sonally to the opposing counsel , emark ng r e that rarely , if eve , were the sons of great men bl ssed with the same superabundance of intellect that distin u sh d g i e their fathers .

Mr . When Dickens rose to reply , he was exceedingly rr modest in refe ing to his distinguished father , whom , for r of r but the rema ks his learned f iend , he Should never of have thought introducing into the case . He felt bound fI i en d to admit , however, that his , even before he had r of made that refe ence , had strangely reminded him a ’ - one r well known character in of his fathe s novels , who signified his desire t o enter the matrimonial state by repeating the words Barkis is a He (the learned counsel) , as he listened to p rts of his ’ learned friend s speech , could not help inverting the ’ r phrase , and saying to himself, Willis is Ba king . One of the most courteous and popular men at the Bar r was the late M . Justice Walton . He was averse to saying anything which would cause fun at the expense o on on e u f an opponent . But occasion even he co ld not resist the opportunity of bringing some gaiety into a i commercial cause . The d spute had arisen over a charter party relating to a cargo of donkeys for the r Transvaal . The lea ned counsel mentioned that fact , r and added , And my learned friend , Mr . B ay (the ”

r . present Mr . Justice Bray) appea s for the defendants h n ow T is was enough for Mr . Justice Bigham ( Lord who a s r w . Mersey) , t ying the case Which of them , i of Mr . Walton asked his lordship , wh ch the donkeys does Mr . Bray represent of At the Old Bailey once , two judges went to dispose a t the heavy Calendar . One was Mr . Jus ice Byles , and

. wa s a other Baron Channell AS usual on such occ sions , ’ the Lord Mayor s butler inquired what My Lords and THE OL D DAYS 91

’ Queen s Justices would have for lunch . Baron Channell — he r replied that he hardly knew was very poo ly, but after a time he was reported to have said Some turtle r of soup , a sp ing chicken , a milk pudding , and a bottle ” Madeira . Butler said Mr . Justice Byles I am momI n very well this g . I will have a captain s biscuit m and some camo ile tea . for Mr . Justice Byles was , when at the Bar, noted his for astuteness in advocacy . On one occasion he was the r of of rr defendant in an action for b each promise ma iage . f The plainti f proved the promise to marry , and that the defendant had ma rried someone else . The question of two seemed a question damages , but Byles put questions to the plaintiff I Did not he propose to marry you when his father wa s dead

Yes . I S his father dead N

is . That my case , my lord , said Byles

But , brother Byles , said the judge , he has married somebody else !

Well , my lord , said Byles , his wife may die before or his father , afterwards , and he may outlive them both, ” when it will be time to fulfil the promise .

The defendant won his case . An amusing story is told of Lord Chief Baron Pollock of One day, at the Old Bailey , the Recorder London , in bom presenting the Lord Mayor to him , which he did in e a bastic and inflat d language , described his early educ tion r and struggles , his poverty , industry, perseve ance and ultimate wealth . He said

My lord , he became an orphan when a young boy , and suffered indeed great poverty ; but by his energy and on e of our perseverance he has now become city nobles . Pollock listened apparently with the greatest interest to the of so n story much great ess , and presently asked What is the difference between his former circum stances a nd the present 92 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

n ot The city noble looked , but could answer ; even the learned Recorder wa s puzzled t o give a definition of f r of r the di fe ent condition things . Then the Lo d Chief r r r Ba on , with the smile that cha acte ised him , said ou f r is r I will tell y the di fe ence , it me ely a matter f r o . r deg ee In youth he was a poor o phan , and now he ’ ” -off un is better . of l The last the Barons , as Baron Pollock was ca led , for he was the final survivor of the Judges of the Old r of r r of Cou t Excheque , once told a good sto y what he wa s taught to regard as breach of contract when he wa s for r wa s r studying the Bar . The Ba on t ying a case in which a firm complained that a certain class of wood they r r n r had o de ed had ot been consigned to them . The eply wa s that the timber stipulated for could n ot be procured r r and that the nea est a ticle had been forwarded . The

r wa s r . on diffe ence ve y slight The Judge commenting this , gave this definition of what he wa s told might be regarded r his as breach of contract . If a man orde ed portrait t o ffi wa s r be painted and his co n forwa ded to him instead , f ” that would give him an excellent chance o action . The scholarly Lord Bowen was pre - eminent as a r wa s humourist and a phrase make . Once counsel arguing that an eminent civil engineer of extensive works ought not to decide a dispute between a dock employ! and a contractor because he was prejudiced . How ” wa s r r r e that , the Cou t inqui ed . Well , he had w itt n to the contractor a friendly letter urging him to hurry ” N t h on the work or he would be ou t o f time . o wit wa s a r on e wa s con standing that the letter f iendly , it sidered r wa s a n d by counsel that the enginee biassed , r n ot therefo e , ought to be allowed to arbitrate between the r r parties as the terms of the cont act p ovided . Then ” we s t may take it from you , aid Lord Bowen , hat in your view an arbitrator must be a ma n o f the icy imparti f a lity o a Rhadamanthus . Very amusing wa s the poetical request for a lift t o the ’ r 1 88 Lord Chancello s breakfast in 3 , which Lord Bowen l t o o d . addressed his friend , Mr Justice Mathew THE OLD DAYS 93

C - t o Mr . dear J . . , Will you be free , carry me , beside ’ bu ee Selborn e s of thee , in your gg , to tea , if breakfast he ,

d . for we on 2 n . intends , November next D V , eighteen - f r D . C m A o B . o hundred and eighty three . , Lady , from she G . wall , will absent be , and says that , would rather D see . . , her husband be , D dash , than send to London ’ bu ee for Selborn e s her gg , such a melancholy spree , as ’ ” toast a n d Selborn e s tea . r wa of o Judge Pa ry , by the y, tells an enc unter he had ’ while acting as judge s marshal on the Oxford Circuit who wa s r to Judge Mathew , a g eat judge and a good w s a . Roman Catholic . His brother marshal Mr Lister r Drummond , the Met opolitan magistrate , like Mathew , an r ardent Catholic . One morning both marshals ar ived late at breakfast , and found Mathew reading his paper and

eating his bacon . Looking at them in a very surly

manner , he said Whose bedroom is next to mine r I believe mine is , Judge , Par y said with hesitancy . ’ H m Then who on earth was talking to you until two in the morning ou see ou Well , y , it was Drummond , but I am sure y will approve of it when I tell you that he wants to convert me to the Holy Faith ? r on Does he roa ed Mathew , banging his fist the table and glaring at Drummond . Then you may take r ou t o it st aight from me , Drummond , that if y continue Pa rrv of convert in the small hours the morning , I leave r the Chu ch . r r When Mr . Justice Stephen reti ed f om the Bench , all his r r r r r b eth en attended at the Law Cou ts , and Lo d Alve stone in an eloquent address bade farewell t o that great

. wa s r judge Much feeling c eated by the speech , and r r r who Lo d Bowen , tu ning to the late Lord Cole idge , wa s r then Lo d Chief Justice , whispered , May there be u no moaning at the Bar when I put o t to sea . Which recalls the well - known story of a little incident which occurred on the occasion of an Address to the Throne by the Bench at a period when Bowen wa s contemporary 94 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF ! with Lord Herschel , the famous Chancellor Coleridge , ” on e of of the greatest Lord Chiefs ; Hawkins , the ” a n d dreaded hanging judge , Wills , the most ” polished corner of the Temple . The Lord Chancellor opened an eloquent speech with these words Conscious ’ as we are of our imperfections Of on e another s r impe fections , corrected Bowen , in an audible undertone . ’ Among other examples of Lord Bowen s wit might be mentioned his answer to the conundrum : Why is a certain famous cricketer rightly called a good bat Because a bat is a little creature which goes in early in the morning and does not come out till very late in the

evening . When Bowen became a member of the House of Lords a friend said that he need do nothing but assent to the f ” o . judgments his colleagues In that case , said the f Con o curr . Judge , I had better take the title y One of the judges complained to Bowen that a colleague r had slept peacefully th ough the afternoon , wakened up - at half past three and at once adjourned the court . It

is as it should be , said Bowen he obeyed the hymn , ’

off . Shake dull sloth , and early rise ’ Perhaps a still more famous example of Lord Bowen s r r wit , was the remark he add essed to a barriste who was arguing a bad point in the Court of Appeal on the ground of an equity in the case . When I hear of an equity ” i in a case like this , Bowen said with jud cial gravity, — — I am reminded of a blind man in a dark room looking ’ for — O a black hat which isn t there ’ Bowen s after dinner stories were a positive delight

but the following is genera l ly regarded as his best hit . One of the ancient Rabbinical writers—I have forgotten i his name , but I have no doubt that it can be eas ly ascertained— was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets ; and in due course it beca me his duty k to record the history of the prophet Daniel . In spea ing ’ — of the most striking incident in that great man s ca reer I — refer to his critical position in the den of lions he made m a a e t with a. re ark which h s l ways appeared to m reple e

96 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

May I stay six days wa s The message duly delivered to his friend , who had t o pay six shillings to the messenger . His reply was ’ ”

of r . Yes , course , but don t teleg aph Evening came and with it another mounted messenger r r six for who demanded a fu the Shillings his services . The telegram wa s Short and sweet ” Why not Lockwood . His love of a joke wa s also illustrated on one occasion h in Scotland at an important Civic function , to w ich he r and his wife were bidden . He obse ved that the laird of a place wa s announced at the reception by his territoria l who him title , whereas his wife , accompanied , was Simply M s r . of styled Accordingly, after the ushering in a r Muclucht ie pai , who may be referred to as The and ”

Mrs . Gordon , Lockwood directed the grave Scottish door “ 6 . 2 S W keeper to announce No , Lennox Gardens , . . ,

and Mrs . Lockwood . Lockwood ’ s speeches were often as humourous as his r r 1 8 1 spontaneous emarks , and the manne in which in 9 , of r a l at a dinner the Royal General Theat ic Fund , he

r i . related his experiences as an actor , is i resist ble During r r the course of his ema ks he said , to quote from his rr ro biography by Mr . Bi ell : We know that in this p ha n of one . fessio there s been many a failure . I know

of . wa s wa s Let me tell you it I know it true , because I on the failure myself . I made my first appea rance any wa s stage at the old theatre at Bath . I suppose it the i old theatre . It was a very dingy and somewhat d rty

r r wa s . theatre . The efo e , I suppose it the old theatre But I have noticed that whenever the record of a great r r r e theat ical caree comes to be w itten , it always b gins l a at the o d theatre . And I have no doubt that m ny a theatrical reputation ha s been begun at the old theatre h a s r of a r at Bath . It been the c adle m ny a theat ical a fi r w s . eputation ; but , gentlemen , it the cof n of mine — I was cast for the part of a servant one of those faithful creatures to whom wages a re n ot so much an obj ect a s r a thoroughly comfo table home , and through five acts THE OL D DAYS 97

of an old English comedy I traced the mysteries of a Child until that mysterious child must have been com

let el . p y sick of me It was an Irish part , and for its r delineation I had studied and , as I thought , I had acqui ed u the rich racy brog e of the Emerald Isle .

I was not sure how I was getting on . I was conscious that when I came on to t he stage there was a certain of f t o amount indi ference as what I said , and as to what

I did , and I was more conscious that there was a sense of o relief when I left the stage . But still I did not kn w how things were going on until , as I left the stage , I met - s at the wing the stage manager, who was an out poken of ma n . Many you may know him . He addressed to me

these very remarkable words . Said he , looking at me , Scotch or Irish F or the moment I mistook his

meaning . I thought he was hospitably inclined , and was offering me an a l ternative Choice in the matter of ’ . on : a whisky But he went No , he said , I h ve been wondering what dialect you have been playing that part i . e sa s sa r in Som y it is Scotch , and ome y it is I sh ;

but the gas man , who tells me that he has often played ’ r Zomer set . the pa t , says it is — I assured him that it was an Irish part real old

Irish . He made some frivolous observation as to its ’ e being a blend , but I said This is no time for badinag , t o o and I returned track the wretched person n the stage . And I remember at the end of the performance some of

the company went to the front of the curtain , and I r appea ed before the curtain also , but somebody laughed . one It was a comic piece, but no had laughed at me up till then . I still did not know whether I was successful

or not . The next day I went to a kind friend with whom

I was staying , determined to settle the matter, and I said t o Y ou ou me him heard me play y were there tell , ? ’ was I a success I waited for his words . He said , ’ I did not hear a word you said . That settled it . It was no use attempting to take the Crystal Palace to play ” on Hamlet a Saturday afternoon after that . TO Mr l e r t e i . Birrell a so we a re indebt d fo h follow ng 98 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

w t o letter, ritten by Lockwood his younger sister, and s which illustrates his efforts to amuse at all time .

MY D A AGNE s —I ou E R , do not know whether y have f r ever heard o a st ike . They are very fashionable just n ow— olicemen r - r n e p strike , cu ates strike , organ g i ders

r . on r st ike In fact , all people that earth do dwell st ike , of who excepting , course , lawyers , know better , and act r of i on e r acco dingly . But all the str kes , the which st ikes my mind as being the most disgraceful is the one which I on of h have endeavoured to depict the other side t is page . ’ Fancy a girls school has struck . They put the globes r on into the g and piano , and hung the harp a willow tree r a in the back ga den . As I p ssed by the house , and saw r of a n d s a t what I have d awn , I thought you , at once f t o down in the middle o the road write this letter . As I see - the water cart coming round the corner, I think I had better get up . So with best love , f Believe me , your af ectionate brother ,

FRAN K .

of The wittiest lawyers , however, get paid back sooner wa s or later . Sir Frank Lockwood once examining a farmer in a case which turned on the identity of certain cattle . ' Are you certain these were the prosecutor s beasts was the question .

I am , said the farmer . But you were some distance away from them at the ca n ou time . At what distance y be certain it is a beast you are looking at

o . Oh , ab ut as far as you are from me ’ He wa s f . Here is —another example o Lockwood s wit once cross examining rather severely a numbe r of wit C i . e o e . . ness s , the opp sing counsel b ing Mr Jel , Q Lock wood made such poin ted remarks about the veracity of i t the witness that at last Mr . Jel interposed wi h the ejaculation M r a r. w Pay, pr y, Lock ood

1 00 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

for box hi the witness the prosecution Climbs into the , w ch ha s t o was like a pulpit , and before he time look round and see a s w where the voice comes from , he is examined follo s , by the prosecutin g counsel I think you were walking up Ludgate Hill on Thurs 2 th - day, 5 , about half past two in the afternoon , and a suddenly felt a tug in your pocket , and missed your h nd

n ow . ? kerchief , which the constable produces Is that it i s r . Yes , I suppose you have nothing to ask him ? says the

j udge . Next witness .

Constable g ot up . Were you followin g the prosecutor on the occa sion when he was robbed on Ludgate Hill And did you see ’ a n the prisoner put his h d into the prosecutor s pocket , and take this handkerchief out of it ” sir Yes , . t o : sa ? Judge prisoner Nothing to y, I suppose t o : ou n o Then the jury Gentlemen , I suppose y have

doubt I have none .

Jury Guilty, my lord , as though to oblige his

lordship . r r : —we Judge to p isone Jones , we have met before — ’ Shall n ot meet again for some time seven years trans ” t i n ort a o . p Next case . m t o f - Ti e w minutes fi ty three seconds . F or grim humour, however , the following story would r be ha d to beat . In his early days Baron Brampton had for to defend a man murder, and after a powerful and hi e touching address to the jury , during w ch he mad ’ r ild n pathetic refe ences to the prisoner s two Ch re , who , r d essed in little black frocks , were sobbing bitterly in ’ s Court , managed to get a verdict in the pri oner s favour o n the grounds of insanity. On the same evenin g he was dinin g at the country house of Sa t a Mr . Hardcastle , and near him an old inhabitant of r r m the village whe e the t agedy had been co mitted . ” Y ou h s s t made a touc ing speech , Mr . Hawkin , aid he ld o inha bitant . THE OLD DAYS 1 0 1

it wa s the the Well , best thing I could do in circum

stances . ’ Yes , he said ; but I don t think you would have painted the little home in such glowing colours if you had seen what I sa w last week when I was driving past the ’ ” cottage . No , no I think you d have toned down a bit . What was it ” old Why, said the inhabitant , the little children so who sobbed violently in Court this morning , and to on whom you made such pathetic reference , were playing an a sh-heap near their cottage and they had a poor cat with a string round its neck, swinging backwards and a s so forwards, and they did they sang

This is t h e wa y poor da ddy wil l g o ! This is t he wa y poor da ddy will g o !

wa s Such, Mr . Hawkins , their excessive grief Baron Brampton has placed it on record that one of the kindest and most virtuous judges of the old days wa s L ittleda le wa s ffl , who , however, a icted with a wife whom

. on he could not control She , the contrary, controlled

him , and left him no peace unless She had her will . At L ittl da le s . e times , however, She overdid her busines had

a butler who had been in the family many years , and with whom he would not have parted on any account . He ‘ r would sooner have parted with her ladyship . One mo n ing , however , this excellent butler came to Sir Joseph and a s id , with tears in his eyes 2

I beg your pardon , my lord ’ ? What s the matter, James ’ ” I m very sorry, my lord , said the butler, but I ” wish to leave .

Wish to leave , James Why , what do you wish to leave for Haven ’ t you got a good situation ou a Capital Situation , Sir Joseph , and y h ve always

been a good , kind master to me , Sir Joseph ; but , Oh , !” Sir Joseph , Sir Joseph ? i What then , James , what then Why do you w sh 1 0 2 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

? t o — to leave Not going get married , eh not surely ’ going to get married Oh James , don t do it ” ! Heaven forbid , Sir Joseph e out e Eh , eh Well then , what is it Sp ak , Jam s , — a nd tell me all about it . Tell me tell me a s a fri end If there is any trouble

Well , Sir Joseph , I could put up with anything from ’ ou on y , but I can t get with my lady

My lady be Oh , James , what a Sinner you make I S ? of . o on me that all , James Then g down your knees at once and thank God my lady is not your ” wife ! The conceit of some judges has at times been laug h AS r of able . Baron B ampton has put it , Some them were overwhelmed with the importance of their position none were ever modest enough to perceive their own ” r di small individuality amidst thei ju cial environments . one Huddl est one On occasion at Liverpool Assizes , Ma nist on a s and y, the two judges Circuit , dined usual ’ l wa . a s with the Lord Mayor The Queen s he th proposed , of Ma nist course , and y, with his innate good breeding , his stood up to drink it , whereupon august brother judge i : pulled him violently by his Sleeve , say ng Sit down , Ma nist ! y, you damned fool We are the Queen Although his severity at times led to his being termed ” the hanging judge , there were occasions when the late Baron Brampton displayed considerable feeling when on one wa s the Bench . On occasion a poor woman tried before him in a Circuit town for murdering her babe . The of woman Oppressed with a sense Shame , determined to -old drown her week child , and herself at the same time . wa s n ot r The water , however, deep enough to d own her wa s al r r she accordingly put upon her tri for mu de , and wa s ro wa s eventually convicted . Hawkins about to p — nounce the inevitable sentence of death much against his — h will when the pompous old igh Sheriff , all importance and dignity, said ou on My lord , are y not going to put the black cap ” ’

t . o . no N , replied the judge I m I do not intend

JUDICIAL HUMOUR or

st When , and where , and under what circum ances so wa s followed in quick succession , that there no escape . The witness said that Roger had on a pair of black trousers e the his ti d round waist , and Shirt buttoned up .

The Sleeves , how were they ” Loose . How came you to see his naked arms wa s one of He rubbing them like this . What did he rub for ’ I thought he d got a flea . Did you see it ”

of . No , course Where was it ” Just there . What time was this

Ten minutes past eleven . ’ That s the first occasion come to the second .

Just the same , says Bogle . Same time ”

Yes . Did he always put his ha nd inside his sleeve to rub ’ ” I don t know .

But I want to know . wa s If your shirt unbuttoned , Mr . Hawkins , and ’ rubbin a rm you were your , you would draw up your Sleeve u Never mind what I Sho ld do . I want to know what ” sa w you . a l The same as before , answers Bogle ngri y . A flea

I suppose . see But did you him , Bogle

I told you , Mr . Hawkins , I did not . wa s th e . Excuse me , this on first occasion wa s l . We l , this the same Same flea

I suppose . — Sa me time ten minutes past eleven ”

Yes . THE OLD DAYS 1 0 5

Then all I ca n sa y is he must have been a very punctual ” old flea .

o . Exit B gle , and with him his evidence wa s The claimant , it might be mentioned , not devoid of humour . One day during the trial , Mr . J . L . Toole came

i d sit t o . in , and was inv te to next Mr Hawkins , which he

At the adjournment for luncheon the Claimant muttered ’ a s they passed along There s Toole come to lea rn ’ ’ ns actin from Arry Orki . wa s On another occasion , when he going into Court , an e lderly lady dressed in deep mourning , presented the

Claimant with a religious tract . He thanked her , went h is . to seat , and perused the document Then he wrote he something on the tract , carefully revised what had written , and threw it on the floor . wa s s a s The usher watching these proceeding , and , so soon as he Could do unobserved , secured the paper and handed it to Hawkins .

The tract was headed , Sinner, Repent The Claimant had written on it Surely this must ee for Orkins have b n meant , not for me It was the claimant also who wrote the following in his ha s pocket book Some money , no brains some has no a s ha s brains , money ; for them money no brains ” wa s e mad ; for them as has brains , no money . ’ ’ ’ of Orkins Arthur Orton s tribute to the actin Arry , is not the only one which has been paid to the histrionic

abilities of the great Judge . Many years ago an action wa s for slander tried at the Guildhall , in which Hawkins w a s . C for for the defendant , and Mr . Joseph Brown , Q f the plainti f . The slander consisted in the defendant pointing his thumb over his shoulder and asking another ’ ” o man : Do y u know him That s Joe Smith .

. C. Mr Joseph Brown , Q . , had to rely upon the innuendo — mea ning thereby Joe Smith wa s a rogue and wa s very eloquent as to the slander unspoken but expressed sa t by signs and tone . After an exhausting speech he

a nd u his his a a s his wa s . down b ried head in b ndanna , habit 1 0 6 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

’

ot Mr. e Hawkins g up , and turned Jos ph Brown s speech t tw o ridicule in o or three sentences . ‘

Gentlemen , he almost whispered , after a very small whistle which nobody could hear but those close around , at the same time pointing his thumb over his shoulder at his ou —do oe opponent , do y know him you know J wa s of oe o Brown ? There a roar laughter . J lo ked

sa w his n . up , nothing , and retired again into banda na wa s ou Again the performance gone through , Do y oe n r know J Brow , the best fellow in the wo ld wa s t o Brown looked up again , and just in time hear

sa f . the jury y—they had heard quite enough o the case No slander verdict for the defenda n t . of Apropos Toole , it may be permissible to tell this

t . story , al hough its humour is histrionic rather than legal r wa s on Ba on Brampton the Midland Circuit , at Derby , and Toole happened to be playing at the theatre in the of of town at the time . Catching Sight the features o of him the actor in the b dy the Court , the judge sent a note by the usher — - Dear Johnny , shall be Sitting late to night . My

dinner will be your supper . Come to the lodgings

after the play and have a Chat . a n d e A pleasant evening was spent , when Tool took his

departure the judge held a candle t o light him downstairs . What are you going to give that cove you t ried to ’ day ? asked Toole looking up ; I didn t think it ”

ba d . a case myself Well , said Lord Brampton ,

a e n ~ I thought five years , and I Shall p ss s nte ce to

. ou e morrow Thank y , said Tool ; I will just run round to the newspaper office and tell them the t e sentence before it is passed . It is no very actor who ” ou a Bra m is in the kn ow with a judge . If y do s id p ! u t on t o ou . , I will never Speak y again Oh I co ld n ot a n miss such a ch nce , said Toole ; thi k what a ” wa s notice I shall get for my play if I tell them . There

a twinkle in his eye which Brampton noticed , and he

appreciated the situation , and host and guest parted good

friends .

1 0 8 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

n the on u Jack always accompa ied judge circ it , and one ers day at Hereford , the Chaplain , a highly proper p on , remarked to My lord , are you really going take the little dog t o divine service in the Cathedral

The Baron looked quite astonished at the question , and e his t o do n h s e th n put face down the g , prete ded to w i p r, a n d then to listen . Afterwards he said ’ not t -da No . Jack says o y he doesn t like long sermons . t t oo of It was Baron Bramp on , who during the hearing a trivial case in which counsel were exceptionally long on of winded , wrote a slip paper which he handed to a e r fri nd in Cou t ,

GRE AT RI ZE COM E TI TI ON F OR A P P P TI E NCE .

H a w ins irs t riz e k F P , ob H onoura e Men i n J bl t o .

To this may be added a couple of j udicial verses regard c ing prosiness . Lord Justi e Bruce once wrote

’ Th e c ura t e s e es our a ies ra ise y l d p , I n e er se e t h eir i ht i in e v l g d v . H e a lwa ys sh ut s t hem when h e pra ys

An d wh en h e rea ches c oses min e . p , l

u of Jekyll , after yawning for hours , at the concl sion of the longwinded speech a prosy serjeant , pencilled the following lines

e er ea n a re a ra ce u ra c e Th s j ts g f l , Th eir dress a n d la n gua ge Sh ow it ; r e a rme nt s co me rom re Th eir pu pl g f Ty , ” r n t o it Their a gume t s g o .

’ Another example of Brampton 5 wit is provided by an wa s r n incident which occurred one day , when he a gui g a s cas e before a magistrate , who snappi hly told him that

two blacks did not make a white . ” t They may sometimes , replied Hawkins , promp ly .

e SO . Inde d , how asked the magistrate A pair of black Spanish fowls may be the parents of a THE OLD DAYS 1 09

white egg , was the answer , which sent the Court into

convulsions . ’ An example of Brampton s satirical ways with witnesses K 1 C. 0 is related by the late Mr . T . E . Crispe , . who , in 9 9 , - retired from the Bar after thirty five years practice . In his early days Hawkins took part in an action brought by a young lady to recover the amount of two promissory

notes , given her by an elderly admirer . Mr . Hawkins ,

who represented the defendant , asked if his name was ” la nt i P ff . Richard . answered , Yes And I think you ”

f . sometimes a fectionately called him Dick Yes , Sir “ ! Ah pretty little Dicky, you knew how to make him 0 ” sm g . Lord Chief Justice Coleridge was one of the wittiest a s well as the great luminaries of the Bar and we get an admirable illustration of his wit in an Incident which one occurred night at a dinner in the Middle Temple Hall , of when the late King Edward , then Prince Wales , was

present . Except the usual royal toasts , none other were x ri allowed . Coleridge , who was sitting ne t to the P nce , s of ri observ had reminded his Highnes the gid rule , to the of h n ot with ance whic he promised compliance ; but , standing he proposed the health of the Lord Chief t o Justice . The Chief was equal the occasion and in the course of a humorous reply to the toast said Put not your trust in princes was a lesson that all e of had learn d from the Psalmist , and the truth it had been verified that evening . ’ An amusing example of Lord Coleridge s quaint humour is afforded by a story told of the days when Wyndham C of West , Q . was Recorder Manchester . When Lord on Coleridge came Circuit he asked about West . I never see him at Westminster what does he do e he asked in his suavest and most Silvery tongu . ’ ” s c s Re order of Manche ter , someone replied . [file

- e for of And Attorney G neral the Duchy Lancaster . Dear me And ud e O t e S e o J g f h alford Hundr d Court of Rec rd. 1 1 0 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF THE OL D DAYS

I s he really for fi And Prosecuting Counsel the Post Of ce . ’ sa r hi s You don t y so said Coleridge , th owing up of head in astonishment , What a lot outdoor relief the fellow has t o Referring Lord Coleridge , mention might be made of r a witticism on the part of Shee in a ce tain case . A r : witness , in describing a ve bal encounter , said Then ’ ’ ’ ’ the defendant turned round and said if e didn t owld is ’ d ’ im ff ’ ” noise e knock o is perch . ? i s ? Perch Mr . Shee , what meant by perch asked Chief I ustice the Lord J .

Oh , perch , my lord , is any position where a man — elevates himself above his fellows for instance , a Bench , my lord . Lord Coleridge was a good deal bothered by that product of on the nineteenth century , the interviewer , and his of i way to Chicago one these gentlemen , fa ling otherwise out to draw him , began to belittle the old country in the f matter o lakes and rivers and mountains , and even men . r Lord Coleridge bo e it all patiently ; finally , the inter viewer said I am told my lord , you think a great deal of of what you call your great fire London . Well , I guess that the c on fla g ra tion we had in the village of Chicago ” made your great fire look very small . To which Lord r Coleridge blandly responded Sir, I have every eason to believe that the g reat fire of London was quite as ” r g eat as the people at that time desired .

CHAPTER I !

BYGONE LEGAL WITS

JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF THE OL D DAYS

PART I I

i s — rs a n d woo ec ers h a ve on . roverb L a wye dp k l g b ll P .

LORD NORBURY ha s been described as the most e e sa t inveterat punst r that ever upon the Bench , and the stories told of his punning seem to bear out this s on de cription . When a Sporting barrister circuit de ela red that he had shot thirty-three hares before break fast , Norbury immediately exclaimed , - ! Z sir ! ou Thirty three hairs ounds , then y must b wi have een firing at a g . He once impatiently wanted to know what wa s the wa s in . delay trying a certain case , and told that Mr o Serjeant J y, who was to lead , was absent , but that the solicitor , Mr . Hope , had said that he would be back immediately . The judge very happily applied a quotation and thus restored himself to a good humour :

H o e o a fla t t erin t a e p t ld g l , ha t o wou soon re rn T J y ld tu .

When Norbury had been closely interrogating a wit ness of more than doubtful integrity the witness said ’ in n ot a whisper, intended for the judge s ears , that he ’ ’ ” t o ru old uI I didn t come there be queered by the m . ’ old I m , it is true , said the judge instantly , and ’ ’ for I m rum sometimes , and once I ll be queer and send ou y to quod . 1 1 4 J UDICIAL HUMOUR OF

One of the warmest supporters of the Tithe Corpora who son tion Act was Lord Plunkett , had a in the Church . ” How so is it , said someone , that sensible a man a s Plunkett cannot see the imperfections in the Act ? ’ Pooh the reason s plain enough , said Norbury ; ” son he has the in his eye . Being told that a Shilling subscription wa s be ing raised t o for of pay the funeral a poor attorney, Norbury ex claimed Only a shilling to bury an attorney here ’ s — o on e of a guinea g and bury and twenty them . A counsel thought that he could overcome the punster

on . the Bench One day, when Lord Norbury was charg of ing a jury, the judge was interrupted by the braying

. r orbur a donkey What noise is that cried Lo d N y. ‘ ” of Tis only the echo the Court , my lord , answered - Counsellor Ready tongue . Nothing disconcerted, the judge resumed his address but soon the barrister ha d t o interpose with technical objections . While putting them , ag ain the donkey brayed . One at a time , if you n please , said the retaliati g joker . on e t o On pressing a reluctant witness , day, get at his profession , and being at length told he kept a racket t oo court , And a very good trade , , replied the judge , do so I , so do I . The registrar of one of the Irish criminal courts com t o t s r in plained his lordship , that the wi nes es we e the habit of stealing the Testament after they had been sworn “ the U . pon it Never mind , said his lordship , if i do o a rascals read the book , it w ll them more go d th n

the petty larceny will do them mischief . However, n ot of b if they are afraid cord , hang your ook in chains , l of and that , perhaps , by reminding the fe lows the fate of t their fathers and grandfathers , will make hem ” behave themselves . wa s The strange expedient adopted , and the Testament a e remained afterw rds s cure . r m in i No bury, however , excelled hi self a Civ l action , respectin g the validity of an alleged ma rriage between t d M a L o ds e a n a . a a n ee . Mr W son , a arg ret His L r hip b g

1 1 6 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF — Lo—rd Ellenborough Lord Chief Justice from 1 802 to 1 8 1 8 used his wit with marked effect a t times upon tiresome barristers . A particularly exasperating speci men was once arguing before him at unnecessary length a s t o r of a n d a question the ating certain lime quarries , contended that like lead and copper mines , they were not rateable , because the limestone in them could only of be reached by deep boring which was a matter science . ” You will hardly succeed in convincing us , said the of judge , with emphasis that every Species boring is a matter of science . In another case before Lord Ellenborough a figure : e ou loving barrister said My lord , I appear b fore y of of in the Character an advocate from the City London , of ou my lord , the City London herself appears before y for as a suppliant justice . My lord , it is written in the book of nature What book ? interrupted

. of . Ellenborough The book nature , my lord Name a s the page , said the judge , with pen uplifted if to of n make a note the i formation . t oo a r There was an occasion , when a young b rriste , n holdi g his first brief , began , The un—fortunate —client for whom it is my privilege t o appear my lord the for sa unfortunate client whom I appear I wish to y, for my lord , my unfortunate Client Leaning ward , Lord Ellenborough , interrupted the halting counsel So : Y ou o on sir . in a soft , cooing voice may g , far the Court is with you . Lord Ellenborough sometimes read lectures of quaint r and g ave sarcasm peculiar to the ma n . An eminent r who on conveyance , prided himself having answered r r of cases , came exp ess f om the Court Chancery ’ r of to the King s Bench to a gue a question real property, taking for granted , rather too rashly , that common lawyers are little more acquainted with the Digest of

Cruise than with the laws of China . He commenced his erudite harangue by observing that an estate in fee - Simple wa s the highest estate known to the law of d ” Englan . THE OL D DAYS 1 7 “ S st tay, ay, interrupted the Chief Justice , with “

u . cons mmate gravity , let me write that down He r wrote , and read slowly and delibe ately the note which

of . he had taken this A B . C . axiom . An estate in fee-simple is the highest estate known

of . to the law England The Court , sir , is indebted to one you for this information . There was only person present who did perceive the irony , and that was the e learned counsel who incurred it . But though imp rvious for - to irony , it was impossible even his self love to avoid understanding the home thrust of the judge at the con r elusion of his ha angue . He had exhausted the year books and all the mysteries of the real property law in f a sleepy oration , which e fectually Cleared the Court insensible alike to the grim repose of the Bench and the yawning impatience of the ushers and when at the Close of some parenthetica l and apparently interminable sentences , the clock struck four , and the judges started to their feet , he appealed to know when it would be their ” pleasure to hear the remainder of his argument . Mr . P . rejoined the Chief Justice , we are bound to hear you , s o and shall do on Friday, but pleasure has been long of out the question . ’ E llenborou h s g wit , however , was sometimes character ised by rudeness . A Quaker once appeared before him who , though he came somewhat smartly dressed instead of co- of in the garb his religionists , refused to take the a ffirma oath , but wished to give his evidence under an tion . Lord Ellenborough asked if he really was a on ffi Quaker , and being answered in the a rmative , said Do you really mean to impose on the court by appear ing here in the disguise of a reasonable being ? wa s He , however , somewhat nonplussed once by a bricklayer who wa s called as a witness and appeared in court in a somewhat dirty and untidy condition . r Really , witness , when you have to appear befo e this court , it is your bounden duty to be more Clean and ” ” tidy in your appearance . Upon my life , said the ’ if s c s t bricklayer, your lord hip ome to hat , I m every 1 1 8 J UDICIAL HUMOUR or

hi ow u bit as well dressed as your lords p . H do yo ? mean , Sir asked the judge angrily . Why , faith , replied the other, you come here in your working ’ clothes , and I m come in mine .

A witness dressed in a fantastical manner , having wa s given very rambling and discreditable evidence ,

- asked in cross examination , What was he Witness ” I employ myself as a surgeon . Lord Ellenborough : But does anyone also employ you as a surgeon ?

Henry Hunt , the famous demagogue , having been brought up to receive sentence upon a conviction for s holding a seditious meeting , began his addre s in miti a tion of g of punishment , by complaining certain persons who had accused him of stirring up the people by ” dangerous eloquence . Lord Ellenborough (in a very mild tone) My impartiality a s a judge calls upon me sa of to y, Sir , that in accusing you that they do you ” great injustice . ’ Lord E llenborough s powers of ridicule may be summed up in the words of Lord Brougham . He had no mean power of ridicule as playful a s a mind more strong then refined could make it ; while of sarca sm he wa s an i r eminent professor, but of the k nd which hacks , and tea s , fl a s and y its victims , rather than destroys by cutting keenly . His interrogative exclamation in Lord Mel ’ ’ vi r of lle s case , when the party s igno ance having taken accommodation out of the public fund wa s a ll eged wa s — r ictur indeed , proved may be remembe ed as very p i esque , though , perhaps more pungent than dign fied . ‘ Not know money ? Did he see it when it glittered ? Did he hea r it when it clinked When a favourite special pleader wa s making an his a s excursion , somewhat unexpected by hearers , r : unwonted in him , into a pathetic topic , he rema ked ’ we sir Ain t , , rather getting into the high sentimental latitudes now of The names of Mansfield , Maule , Eldon must , course , also be added to the list of legal giants o f the eighteenth l of the u a nd first ha f nineteenth cent ries , who were

1 20 J UDICIAL HUMOUR OF

My lord I assure you there is no understanding r between us , Lord Eldon obse ved I once heard a squire in the House of Commons sa y of himself and another squire We have never through life had but on e idea between us but I tremble for the suitors when I am told that two eminent practitioners ” have no understanding between them . of of wa s The career John Scott , Earl Eldon , even more of wa s remarkable than that Lord Erskine . He a twin of of a l -fit t er Child a family sixteen , his father being a co in Newcastle . Young John was educated at the Newcastle

Grammar School . William (who became Lord Stowell) , an elder brother, after passing through the Grammar t o School , proceeded Oxford , where he distinguished so f 1 6 6 himself e fectually that in 7 , when the father wrote to notify an intention of making his youngest son a coa l : ca n fitter , he could reply Send Jack up to me ; I do ” better for him . Scott accordingly matriculated in 1 6 6 wa s s 7 , and the year following elected to a fellow hip ,

BA . 1 and took his in 770 . He subsequently won the ’ Chancellor s essay prize .

His intention was to enter. the Church and obtain a

. 1 2 college living But , in November, 77 , he eloped to of Scotland with Elizabeth Surtees , the daughter a respectable Newcastle banker , and married her . Neither of them had a Sixpence independent of their parents and the marriage wa s equally displeasing to the family of h each . Scott was obliged to relinquish his fellows ip ; of but a year grace remained , during which he had the of option accepting a college living . During this year he e of la w use b gan the study the , with a view (to his own of two h s words) having strings to i bow . But the Church ” wa s wa s C a his first mistress , and it not until all h nce of a college living wa s at an end that he decided to pursue the legal profession . r i The pa ents , eventually reconciled , settled the nterest

o . n f at 5 per cent . upon them The you g couple removed to London , and took Chambers in Cursitor t he d e e e . s a e a Str et The hu b nd ent red t Mid l T , ‘ mple THE OL D DAYS 1 21

w n himself , ith intense earnest ess , to his of A kind conveyancer , knowing his his circumstances , admitted him to read in

fee . At length he was called

his Shillings and Sixpence first year , and his prospects did not encourage a London career . He therefore took a house in Newcastle with the view of

h . establis ing himself there , but still lingered in London o In his sec nd year at the Bar , his prospects seemed to brighten . His brother William , who , by this time , held r the Camden professo ship of ancient history , was in a position materially to advance his interests . ’ The young barrister practised at first in the King s Bench Courts ; but a whim of fancy induced him to wa s change to the Court of Chancery . The Change for fortunate , many years might have elapsed before the of - of stores real property lore , which formed the bulk his legal knowledge , could have been brought into play in AS out the Courts of common law . things turned , a r Speedy Opportunity was afforded . Ea ly in his fourth

v. year occurred the case of Ackroyd Smithson , settling a rule of law which laid the foundation of his fame . - Young man , whispered a well known solicitor to him is as he left Westminster Hall , your bread and butter ” cut for life . He was next employed on an election of Gibside petition by the notorious Bowes , , and was subsequently retained as leading counsel in the Clitheroe his election petition , where he greatly increased reputa

. his wa s tion From this time success certain , and in a o two ye rs he to k silk .

Concerning his early days , Lord Eldon has given the “ following amusing story in his Anecdote Book . When 1 6 6 t o a I left school , in 7 , to go Oxford , I c me up from

Newcastle to London in a coach , then denominated , on — account of its quick travelling as travelling was then —a estimated fly ; being , as well as I remember , never theless or , three four days and nights on the road . There wa s s e c t a s to e e t er no uch v lo i y ndanger ov r urning , or oth 1 22 JUDICI AL HUMOUR OF

mischief . On the panels of the carriage were painted ’ s a t — d the words , Sat cito , Si bene , words which ma e a on t lasting impression my mind , and have had heir T r influence upon my conduct in all subsequent life . hei effect was heightened by Circumsta nces during and

immediately after the j ourney . who wa s Upon the journey , a Quaker, a fellow s traveller, stopped the coach at the inn at Tuxford , de ired

the chambermaid to come to the coach door , and gave

her a Sixpence , telling her that he forgot to give it her two wa s when he slept there years before . I a very

saucy boy, and Said to him Friend , have you seen the ? ’ ’ ‘ motto on this coach No . Then look at it ; for I think giving only Sixpence now is neither sa t Cito nor ’ sa t bene . ot After I g to town , my brother, now Lord Stowell , ’ b met me at the White Horse , in Fetter Lane , Hol orn ,

then the great Oxford house , as I was told . He took me t o see the play at Drury Lane . Love played Jobson we m in the farce , and Miss Pope played Nell . When ca e f out o . the house it rained hard There were , then , few - - we ot one . hackney coaches , and g both into sedan chair a wa s Turning out of Fleet Street into Fetter L ne , there a sort of contest between our Chairmen and some persons wh o were coming up Fleet Street into Fetter Lane . - In the struggle , the sedan Chair was overset , with us

in it . sa t n This , thought I , is more than cito , and certai ly t not sa . it is bene In Short , in all that I have had to do r a l a l in my future life , p ofessional and judici , I have ways on felt the effect of this early admonition , the panels of the vehicle which conveyed me from School Sat Cito Si ’ a t wa s of m s bene . It the impression this which ade — t oo me that d—eliberative judge as some have said , deliberative and reflection upon a ll that is past will t o s not authorise me deny that whil t I have been thinking , sa t Cito qui sa t bene may not have been sufficiently recollected whether sa t bene Si sa t Cito had had its due influence .

1 24 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

a o S and ran away five years g , and I have never een her

Since , and I married this other woman last winter . f The Judge then said , with appropriate severity o demeanour : I will tell you what you ought to have ou sa ou ou done , and if y y y did not know , I must tell y la w di the conclusively presumes that you d . Y ou ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife . That would have cost you about on e hundred pounds . When you had recovered substantial damages ou n against the hawker , y would have i structed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce a mensa a t ue thoro r q . That would have cost you two o i three hundred pounds more . When you had obta ned a meme? a t ue thoro ou a divorce q , y would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce a vinculo ma trimon ii . The Bill might have been oppo sed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament ; and altogether you would have had to spend about on e thou r You l sand o twelve hundred pounds . will probably te l me that you never had a thousand farthings in the world

n o . a s but , prisoner , that makes difference Sitting here ou a British Judge , it is my duty to tell y that this is n ot a country in which there is one law for the rich and for another the poor . Judge Maule could also be sarcastic in hi s remarks t o who counsel appearing before him . A barrister had been presenting his case in a very haphaz ard fashion wa s n ot interrupted with Mr . Barker, could you state your of ? b facts in some kind order Chronological is the est , ou o — but if y cannot manage that , try s me other alpha i l bet c a ou . , if y please His irony is further illustrated by his addres s to a j ury on on e occasion . — is r Gentlemen , The learned counsel pe fectly right some in his law , there is evidence upon that point but ’ ’ ’ r n ot ou k he s a lawye , and you re , and y don t now what ’

o so ou . he means by s me evidence , I ll tell y Suppose on B of E a a nd six e e there was an action a ill xch nge , p opl THE OLD DAYS 1 25

e t t t e sa w the t a it Six swor ha h y defendan ccept , and others swore they heard him say he should have to pay

it , and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his on ha n dwriting and suppose , the other side , they called old who a poor man , had been at school with the defendant n ot forty years before , and had seen him since , and he a n ot said he rather thought the accept nce was his writing , ’ ’ s ome not why that d be evidence that it was , and that s what Mr . means in this case . There was also an occasion when a very stupid jury t o on were called upon convict a man the plainest evidence . wa s A previous conviction proved against him , by the of i production the usual cert ficate , and by the evidence h of the policeman w o had him in charge . The judge summed up at great length . He told the jury that the certificate wa s n ot conclusive ; that the question was entirely for them ; that policemen sometimes do tell of a s : lies , and much else the kind , concluding follows ou And , gentlemen , never forget that y are a British a n d ou on jury , if y have any reasonable doubt your God not mind , forbid that the prisoner Should have the of benefit it . The jury retired , and were twenty minutes or more before they found out that the judge had been a n d laughing at them , made up their minds that the identity was proved . Judge Maule wa s noted for splitting straws on the of Bench , an instance which is related in connection with wa s special demurrers . A man described in a plea as r I . Jones , and the pleade , probably , not knowing his n of ame referred , in another part the plea to I . as i f r an in tia l . The plainti f demur ed said that the ”

. n ot plea was bad) , because I was an initial . Sir W . Maule said that there was no reason why a man might

n ot . be christened I as well as Isaac , inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone . The counsel for t he f ” plainti f then objected that the plea admitted that I . n ot was a name by describing it as an initial . Yes ,

‘ r n ot a er t i i reto ted the judge , but it does v tha t s not a fi a s w a s a n t a tte nal ell ini i l le r. 1 26 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

’ We a re indebted to Sergeant Robinson s reminiscences for the following further examples of amusing summings of up on the part Maule . An action was brought by an

attorney against defendant for calling him a thief, a rogue , end f and a fi and , as the plainti f had no proof of any on u pecuniary Special damage , he had to rely the inj ry that must necessarily be inflicted on himin his professional

capacity by such imputations .

In summing up , Maule said s As to the word thief , it is a very ambiguou one , and does not necessarily impute what the law considers an ’ f F or indictable o fence . instance , to steal a man s wife , f of to steal away the a fections another , to steal a march on e upon any , would be no crime in law . Wives , human f not e e a fections , and such things as marches , are at pr s nt

f r . the subjects of larceny . Rogue is di fe ent it might f f certainly a fect the plainti f professionally , because a

rogue ought not to be allowed to practise as an attorney . But the same principle does not apply to the term fiend

it may not be a complimentary expression , but I do not think to be a fiend disqua l ifies a man from be ing an l out attorney . If the learned counsel wi l point to me any case where the court has refused an application to place

a fiend upon the rolls , I Shall be happy to consider it .

At Maidstone , a case came before Justice Maule in i which the prisoner was charged w th coining . The out counterfeit coin , when produced , turned to be a very e bungling , awkward piece of workmanship , and the couns l ,

at the Close of the case for the prosecution , took the piece

of metal in his hand , looked at it contemptuously , and contended that it was absurd t o suppose that such a thing as that was ever intended to represent the current coin of e the realm . It might be meant to b token anything or h u e not ing . None but idiots co ld ever be deceiv d by wa s accepting it as genuine money , and the legislature too

wise to pass laws simply for the protection of idiots . of r After a good deal such comment , delive ed in his u e usual j aunty style , the judge s mmed up . He b gan by highly complimenting the counsel for his very able defence

1 28 J UDICIAL HUMOUR OF

the er s ! v y fashion of it cost me five pound Oh ,

said the judge , unmoved , but we must not hang a man f ’ ” or fashion s sake . That his lordship was quite ready to join in a laugh

against himself , is illustrated by an incident which occurred when he was trying a case concerning a collision a at se . A sailor witness chanced to use the nautical

expression , abaft the binnacle . One moment , interrupted Mansfield you will kindly enlighten me as ’ to the meaning of the expression abaft the binnacle . so This quite natural question amused the salt , who had

evidently been imbibing too freely, that he exclaimed , ’ ! with a loud laugh , He s a pretty fellow for a judge ’ Bless my jolly old eyes You ve got a pretty landlubber for a judge He wants me to tell him where abaft the

binnacle is . Joining in the general laughter, Lord me Mansfield retorted , Well , my friend , you must fit for my office by telling me where abaft the binnacle is you have already Shown me the meaning of half - seas ’ over . Another story which Mansfield told aga inst himself r who conce ns Mr . Dunning , afterwards Lord Ashburton , by his conduct did much to support the character and of a dignity a barrister, which was frequently disreg rded r by Lord Mansfield , at that time Chief Justice . Lo d Mansfield possessed great quickn ess in discovering the of gist a cause , and , having done so , used to amuse him self by taking up a book or a newspaper whilst coun sel u was addressing the court . Whenever Mr . D nning was e r sp aking , and his lordship seemed thus to hold his a gu of ment as no consequence , the advocate would stop n on sudde ly in his address , and his lordship observing , on Pray go , Mr. Dunning , he would reply, I beg your pardon , my lord , but I fear I Shall interrupt your ’ lordship s more important occupations . I will wait until your lordship has leisure to attend to my client and his humble advocate . of one of The parsimonious ways Baron Kenyon , the a L of r p st ord Chief Justices England , have been esponsible THE OL D DAYS 1 2 9 for many a witticism on the part of brother justices , and many a good story . ’ Lord Kenyon occupied a large , gloomy house in Lincoln s i All Inn F elds , where it was said , the year through it ” - is Lent in the kitchen and Passion week in the parlour . one Some having mentioned that , although the fire was very dull in the kitchen grate , the spits were always is bright . It quite irrelevant , said Jekyll , to talk about the spits , for nothing turns upon them . Lord Kenyon studied economy even in the hatchment put up over his house in Lincoln ’ s Inn Fields after his wa s M rS . o death The m—otto certainly found to , be j a n ua vita this being at first supposed t o be the f wa s t o mistake o the painter . But when it mentioned

Lord Ellenborough , Mistake exclaimed his lordship ,

It is no mistake . The considerate testator left par ticula r directions in his will that the estate Should n ot be burdened with the expense of a diphthong Kenyon wa s curiously economical about the adornment f s for f r o his head . It wa Observed a number o yea s before he died that he had two hats and two wigs of the hats on e wa s old and the wigs , dreadfully and shabby, the other comparatively spruce . He always carried into Court with him the very old hat and the comparatively wi or r old wi spruce g , the ve y g and the comparatively f spruce hat . On the days o the very Old hat and the comparatively Spruce wig he shoved his hat under the wi on of bench , and displayed his g ; but the days the very old wig and the comparatively Spruce hat he always r continued cove ed . He might often be seen Sitting with r of r wa s hat ove his wig , but the rule Cou t by which he on governed this point is doubtful . His parsimony wa s even more remarkable than his f ” o . r deficiency scholarship His dress , says a biog apher, wa s the daily subject of joke or comment whenever the ' Lord Chief Justice appeared and took his seat ou the bench . I happened t o be in conversation with Lord

(then Mr . ) Erskine , at the Guildhall , before Lord Kenyon ’ arrived there . When he entered the Court Pope s lines 1 30 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

on in the Dunciad , Settle the poet , came across me , and I quoted them involuntari ly

K n own by t h e ba n d a n d su it which Set tl e wore ” H is on suit for t wice t hre e e a rs e ore ly y b f .

of six The period years , said Erskine , laughing , during which that poet had preserved his full - trimmed suit in bloom seemed to Pope to be the maximum of ’ r t o economy ; but it bears no propo tion Kenyon s . I on remember the green , which he now has , at least a ” sa w dozen years ago When I last the learned lord , continues the biographer , he had been Lord Chief for r Justice nea ly fourteen years , and his coat seemed t o fi coeval with his appointment the of ce . It must have been originally black , but time had mellowed it down hi wa s to the appearance of a sober green , w ch what t it s Erskine meant by his allusion o colour . I have seen sit of r of him at Guildhall , in the month July, in a pai of black leather breeches ; and the exhibition shoes , r f r of f equently soled , a fo ded ample proof the attention t o r f which he paid economy in every pa t o his dr ess . The learned judge had a trick of placing his feet in such a wa y a s t o make his economy in this respect visible to t the whole Court . This gave rise o a j oke amongst the ’ who t o attorneys , used say , if they wanted a judge s for rr order leave to amend any e or in the pleadings , I out r shall take a summons befo e Kenyon , because he ’ can t refuse an amendment for the soul (sole) of him Lord Kenyon wa s once responsible for an amusing dr t o ad ess a prisoner . Having sentenced a dishonest ’ butler for stealing his master s wines , he thus addressed the prisoner ou on t Prisoner at the bar , y stand convicted , the mos of of r —a conclusive evidence , a crime inexpressible at ocity crime that defiles the sacred Springs of domestic con fi dence and is calculated to strike alarm into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the Choicer f vintages o Southern Europe . of old ou Like the serpent , y have stung the hand of

1 32 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

Serjeant Ballantine used to t ell some amusing stories ’

of . of Mr Justice Wightman s quiet humour , which the

following is a good sample . I remember, said the of Serjeant , a very excellent and learned friend mine , n ot for his , however , famous brevity, had been for a portentous time enforcing his arguments before a Kentish

. . o n jury Mr Justice Wightman , interp si g , said But , ll ou a . Mr . y have stated this before Have ’ ? o I , my lord said the barrister . I m very s rry . I ” ’ quite forgot it . Don t apologise , Mr . was the wa s a o soothing answer , it such a long time g wa Ballantine , by the y, figures in an amusing story told rr by Judge Pa y regarding his father, Serjeant Parry , ’ who wa s Ballantine s great rival at Westminster and on e circuit . Parry and Ballantine were engaged in a cas r r before Ba on Martin , and the former heard a Scotch cle k in whispered tones pointing out from a fri end beyond

Tweed the various celebrities . ’ on ? n Who is y whispered the visitor, pointi g to

the judge . ’

! d . Martin Baron Martin , replie the Cicerone ’ r mon mon He s a g and , a great ’ ’ And the mon that s Spea kin the noo ‘ ’ ’ ’ He s That s Ballantine . He s a great advocate . a grand mon And the big mon sitting next him ’ i u My father p cked up his ears intently . The g ide s ’ voice fell a semitone to a minor key . That Oh , that s ’ ! h -r- Porry Serjeant Porry . He s a ighly over rated mon ’ Apropos of Sir George J essel s weakn ess in the matter ’ ” of h s dropped , the late Judge Willis used to tell an

r . amusing story , in which Serjeant Par y also figures a i who r for fi s S d a little junior, had hea d Jessel the r t time , to Serjeant Parry

hi s . Why , Parry , he drops aitches ” l in I Shall never forget , said Wil is , when relat g the — r story, the manner in which the Serjeant his fo ehead n a movi g backwards and forwards , as was usu l when he THE OL D DAYS 1 33

- ri a i was excited turned round , gla ng at him , and s d , ’ Sir I would rather drop my h s with Jessel in hell ’ than aspirate with you in heaven . Incidentally it might be mentioned that Serjeant Bal la ntine did not find the law very profitable at first .

For he has related that he was called to the Bar in June , having attained the mature age of twenty-one the pre ceding March . Between that period and the following Christmas he made four guineas and a ha l f the second hi -five year he made thirty guineas and the t rd seventy .

Neither did he measure his expenditure by his income .

His father had undertaken to furnish his chambers , and one of the principal articles he sent was a horsehair so armchair with only three legs , upon which he got accustomed to balance himself that he scarcely felt safe m on one furnished with the proper co plement .

The day came , however , when Ballantine received the f o . 1 8 phenomenal fee guineas This was in 75 , when he was briefed to defend the Gaekwar of Baroda , who was Charged with attempting to poison Colonel

Pha re . y , the Resident at Baroda f Ballantine was an indi ferent lawyer, and seldom of looked up precedents . Apparently his clients knew this failing , for before he sailed for India they sent him of a small library books on Indian criminal jurisprudence . on hi s con Apropos of this , the Serjeant return told his of freres of an amusing episode his voyage . ” - - When ar , said he in his peculiar way, I was ar i briefed to defend the Gaekwar of Baroda , my Cl ents lot of on - sent me a books Indian law ar , in a mahogany

- box . On my way to Indi ar I put in a few days at Paris . r - a ccom One morning I said to Hila y , my juni ar , who a nied - p me , My de ar boy , just go out and buy me a nice selection of French lit- er- a -ture ; you know the style — — I like yellow backs , just a little warm and buy a good of a re - many them , we in for a long journey and , begad Hilary came back with the nicest selection of French

- —- lit er a ture you could possibly imagine Paul de Kock ’

s so . and Guy de Maupas ant , and on Well , we didn t 1 34 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

a ll know where to pack them , but at once I thought of a so out mahogany box ; we turned the law books , and we n put the French books i The Serjeant pause d . And what became of the law books ? said one of the listeners . ! Ah begad , said the Serjeant , I quite forgot to in - - qui ar . l wa s Ba lantine , however , with all his bluster somewhat deficient in courage , judging from the following incident wa s related by Serjeant Robinson . Ballantine one day prosecuting a case before the Common Serjeant , and the who wa s who r counsel defended a wild Irishman , had neve

Shown his face in the Court before , and whose manners were very blustering and uncouth . At length , while examining one of hi m his witnesses , the counsel defending put to an outrageously irregular question .

Ballantine hastily rose , saying My lord , I object of to this mode examining a witness . sir You object , do you , said the Hibernian , turning round and gazing at Ballantine with a threatening air .

I was tould , when I came here , that what I said would be sure to be objected to but I am not to be put down , sor r a s , and will p ove to my lord judge that it is genteel a question as ever put by a counsellor to a deponent , and that in Spite of your Objection ’ O Brien Meanwhile Ballantine turned to , who was ? seated next to him , and said , Who is this fellow Do you know him ” ’ ’

es O Brien His O Fla hert . Oh , y , said name is y fire- ha s i one He is a regular eater , and k lled man and ” or r winged two three othe s . ’ ” so im You don t say , said Ballantine and he mediately rose, and said , My lord , I withdraw my ” objections . Serjeant Merewether might well be classed with n r n Balla tine , for few we e readier with a smart a swer in

Court . Being once engaged in a Parliamentary case with r his Lo d the latter , remarkable for brusque a i manner , not to call it by a stronger n me , and seek ng

1 30 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF w a s i . judge , Sir James Alan Park , stay ng One of the r wa s body had escaped ea ly , and supposed to have gone a ll to bed , contrary to Circuit rules ; it was determined st ea di to seek him , and the whole party, with as much s ness as they could preserve , entered what they suppo ed to be his bedroom , and jerked the clothes off the bed of its sleeping occupant . Imagine their horror when they were confronted with the venerable countena nce of the judge . wa s Their disappearance quickly made , and grave a s wa s deliberations were entered into to what to be done , r and it was dete mined that Serjeant Goulburn , a great of favourite and friend his lordship , Should explain and apologise . Accordingly , next morning , with no small wa s trepidation , he proceeded to do so , stating whom it ” intended to have awakened . No , no , said Sir James , his r shaking head , brother Goulbu n , it was no mistake , sa for I heard my brother Adams y, Let us unearth the ’ old fox . That the counsel who can flatter a judge at the right moment gains an advantage is evident from an anecdote

K . C n told by the late Mr . Crispe , in his reminisce ces a regarding Sergeant Wheeler , who de rly loved his little on e joke . On occasion Mr . Crispe had to plead before

. wa s one him at Brentford The Registrar a new , and asked him his name . ’ ’ I told him Crispe , to quote the eminent counsel s

own . words He then said , would I write it down . I on of gave it him a slip paper , which he handed up the of judge , who , course , knew me well . At the same time ’ ’ ir ris e . s C e he said , Mr Crispe , . p , said the judge , sir in an audible whisper . No , , the gentleman said ’ sa Cris ee — ris ee a i . C Crispe I y p p s d the judge , r Sir s a Cris ee in a ising tone I assure you , I y p My confreres were beginn ing to chuckle in the jeering in wa s n . way they have , and there a risi g titter Court If a s r I did not say something I w lost . I the efore rose in my place , and addressing the judge seriously , and in a : u u is my best m nner , said I fear yo r Hono r in some THE OL D DAYS 37 difficulty as to the pronunciation of my name . In my case n ot the Latin rule does apply , and e final is e ’ ’ ! e mute . Ah said the judge , with a twinkl in his off s o eye . Well He was not going to let me ,

I continued , Your Honour , being a Classic , is probably of — r thinking Sallust not the histo ian , but the wine of one of bibber, whom Horace speaks in his odes in the ’ llusti Sa . vocative case , O Crispe I scored the judge wa s delighted at the open compliment to his scholarship (no idle one) , and he gave me a verdict in a “ - horse coping case which I did not expect to win . Of another Serjeant—Serjeant Sleigh—this story is told . One day he was prosecuting in a libel case at the r Old Bailey , and addressing the j u y said is che- e- - Gentlemen , my client a se monger , and the reputation of a chee- e-se-monger in the City of London is

‘ ” of — l . ike the bloom a peach touch it , and it goes for ever of K C. Mr . Crispe , . , also tells this story Serjeant Adams , who had a very pleasant wit and knew how to deal with one any counsel who took to highfalutin language . On o ccasion , after an altercation with the judge, the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them that They were the great Palladium of British liberty that it was their province to deal with the facts—the judge with the law ; that they formed one of the great institutions of their country , and that they came in with ” William the Conqueror . -u I Adams , at the end of his summing p , said

Gentlemen , you will want to retire to consider your verdict , and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror , ” ca n now you go out with the beadle . C r K . . Mr . T . E . C ispe , , also refers to that somewhat W for eccentric counsel , harton , a time member for - r r . r a n d B idpo t Wha ton was a great snuff taker , was in the habit o f making a very unseemly noise when using ’ a n his huge band a . One day , in Baron Kelly s Court , at a time when that famous judge had become somewhat feeble , being much distressed by any sudden noise in wa s t u Court , Wharton ex ra vigoro s , and after an explosion 1 38 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF of hi s unusual violence the poor judge , writhing , lifted an of : h ds , and in a tone pathetic expostulation , uttered

. . r hr Mr Wharton Mr Wharton The aggresso , t ust i I ing his handkerchief nto his pocket , said My lord , will retire to another place where I may blow my nose

In peace . on e wa s t o in On occasion , Crispe Opposed Wharton a case in which damages were claimed for injuries caused ’ by a sack of grain falling from a crane on to Crispe s wa s . one client The case a simple , and the only question w s h which it seemed necessary to settle a ow much . o in Wharton , however , made much ado ab ut noth g , and when the luncheon half-hour arrived he wa s still i addressing the Court . As the judge , Mr . Justice Arch : n w o a n d . bald , rose , he said We will adjourn , , Mr a k of con Wharton , I hope you will t e the opportunity ferring with your friend , Mr . Crispe , and settling the out of matter Court . t No . . he says Mr Crispe After the adjournment , t o Wharton kept up the game , but at last had address of for the jury, and in the course his Speech , every word of hi which I vouch , he said Gentlemen , I t nk it only t o t o v his courteous to the learned judge , refer the ad ice r lordship gave me t o settle the matter out of Cou t . That r of r a n eminds me a case , tried in a County Cou t , in deti u wa s action for n e Of a donkey . The plaintiff a coster r r monger , and the defendant a coste monge ; they con ’ ducted the case in person . At on e o clock the judge ’ : Now men said , my , I m going to have my lunch , and before I come back I hope you ’ ll settle your dispute ’ t a i f ou of Court . When he returned the pl nti f came in with a black eye and the defendant with a bloody nose , ’ a : l and the defend nt said Wel , your Honour , we ve ’ ’ taken your Honour s advice ; Jim s given me a damn ’ ’

his . good hiding , and I ve given him back donkey The scream of laughter in Court may well be imagin ed . on h Mr . Montagu Williams has placed it record t at the most eccentric a nd oddest character he ever met in the

1 40 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

t s although bygone judges were somewhat bru al at time , of a there were exceptions . As a matter f ct , Baron ’ Martin s leniency and sense of fun often placed him at w wa s the mercy of the very men he a s trying . He once about to sentence an old offender charged with a petty theft . u of Look , said the Baron , with an ass mption : ou c a n severity I hardly know what to do , but y six take months . ’ ’ it s t oo I can t take that , my lord much , said the ’ r prisoner , espectfully but firmly . I can t take it . ’ a ll Your lordship sees I didn t steal very much , after . one of i hs The Baron indulged in his low, chuckl ng laug before replying ’ ’ Well , that s verra true ; ye didn t steal much , he ’ t . ca n t . said Well , then , ye tak four mon hs Will hat do—four months ’ t t t t wa s Nay , my lord , but I can ake ha either , the reply . ’ Then tak three . ’ sa i That s nearer the mark , my lord , the prisoner d , ’

. ou two ou approvingly But I d rather y made it , if y so will be kind . ’ a i Verra well , then , tak two , s id the judge , w th the air of one who is pleased to have done th e right thing at ’ I ’ ll . ou last And mind , don t come again . If y do e— a ll give y well , it depends This calls to min d the extreme kindn ess and leniency of

- a past well known Metropolitan magistrate , Mr . Flowers , who on of a s l , account addresses such the fol owing to r is s a prisone s , was , it scarcely necessary to y , extremely r - a a s popula with wrong doers . His address usu lly ran old ri l follows , pronounced by the dear man with a f end y e : smile and Slightly through his nos Well , prisoner , your conduct ha s been very bad ; if I did my duty I Should r e give you imprisonment with hard labou but p rhaps , r l s this with a tender , wistful smile , you are eal y orry ’ for having blackened your wife s eye and knocked ou t her front tee th ; perhaps you mea n to be a teetotaler in THE OLD DAYS 1 4 1

Yes . s t . fu ure I am ure you are penitent , and will turn over a new leaf —this in response to the prisoner ’ s profound emotion and Speechless inclination of his head o t perhaps you would rather be fined than g o prison . o of Emphatic acquiescence n the part Mr . M . in the ‘ ’ ” ou dock . Well , I ll fine y five Shillings this time . o of Retreat f Mr . M through a line grinning police men , and a remark from the Clerk , more in sorrow than ” in anger : This is his tenth appearance at this Court . ’ And the magistrate s reply, while he beamed through ’ t oo his spectacles : Dear me , I am afraid I m lenient ” of M I thought I knew the name somehow . wa s of r Baron Martin a great lover ho ses , and a frequent visitor to the various race meetings ; but he had the greatest horror of prophets that particular class of sharpers who frequent race- courses and pretend that they have received information from the highest quarters a i which enables them to predict with absolute ! cert nty t o the horse which is win any particular race . on e On occasion after the Baron had become deaf , he was trying a racing case . of wa s One the counsel engaged on it named Stammers , ‘ who a Solemn , formal , sententious personage , seldom made a speech without quoting passages from Scripture . wa s t o old In addressing the jury , he about pursue his ” habit , and got as far as as the prophet says , when the s judge interpo ed . ’ Don t trouble the jury , Mr . Stammers , about the prophets there is not one of them who would not sell ” for of his father sixpenny worth halfpence . ” But , my lord , said Stammers , in a subdued tone .

I was about to quote from the prophet Jeremiah . ’ ” Don t tell me , said the Baron . I have no doubt ” your friend Mr . Myers is just as bad as the rest of them . Richard Bethell (Lord Westbury) was undoubtedly one of the greatest lawyers and Lord Chancellors of the

nineteenth century . But he was a bitter wit . Indeed ,

e . his tongue may be said to have b en his ruin For when , 1 86 a in 5 , serious ch rges were brought against him of 1 42 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

laxity of practice and want of caution in the admin ist ra i n f l t o o his patronage as Lord Chancel or , although most people thought that his culpability was one of care ul lessness merely , he had made himself so unpop ar by the cutting and caustic remarks in which he had been wont to indulge in at the expense of others , that many of the greatest admirers of his talents were n ot anxious to come of to his rescue against the hostile action his foes . He had what an old author called a fil ed tongue but hi s r smoothest ph ase , like the polished stone from the Sling of

David , did terrible execution . wa s He began life as a Tory ; and , when he expelled from the Conservative Club for hi s heretical views on wa s Free Trade , and making his defence before the wa s old - u Committee , he told by an fox hunting sq ire , at ”

r of . the furthe end the room , to speak up I should have thought , said Bethell , in his sweetest , suavest way ; that ma n-millinery style of his as Sir Thomas r r r Wilde (afterwa ds Lo d Tru o) called it , I should have ’ thought that the hon . gentleman s ears were long enough to catch my articulate utterances , even at that distance . Among the earliest stories told of Bethell is the follow ing . His conspicuous ability at the Bar had commended - l him to Vice Chancellor Sir Lancelot Shadwe l , with whom — he became a great favourite indeed , whose decisions , it influen ced was said , the brilliant advocate irresistibly apropos of which this conundrum became current in legal circles Why is Shadwell like King Jeroboam ” Answer : Because he has set up an idol in Bethell . Concerning the appointment of Bethell to the Lord 1 86 1 Chancellorship in , and his entrance to the Upper

House , the following story is told . For cert a in reasons Westbury had no great affection son r his for his , whom , howeve , he sent for upon accept of ance the Chancellorship . ” “ sa Richard , he said , I have sent for you to y that

Lord Campbell died last night , and that I have accepted

r . a the Lo d Chancellorship I Sh ll , of course , be made a peer, and at my death that peerage must devolve upon

1 44 JUDICIAL HUMOUR OF

n ffi . t man still stood firm Fi ally this o cial depar ed , a n d after a short interval his lordship himself appe ared and hectored the man t o such a tun e that he final ly a n d capitulated , left the parcel , minus the account . ’ on On hearing the man s report what had happened , the hosier wrote a most respectful letter to Lord Cairns explaining that but for his own advice on the subject he Should n ot have thought of requesting payment at

the door ; that , moreover , he really supposed (which was true) that he preferred to have thi s system e t adopted in his household concluding with a hop hat , t r n o . under the ci cumstances , he would be offended ” i However , adds the disillusioned hosier , his lordsh p no of took notice my letter , and actually kept me waiting ” t wo years for the money ! This recalls the fact that Commissioner Kerr ’ s pet theory against giving credit once furnished occasion for On e if wa s a most amusing incident . day a plaint f

seeking to recover thirteen poun ds odd for milk supplied . The Commissioner said t o the milkman : I thought everyone paid for his pennyworth of milk

each day as it was delivered . ’ n o l the Oh , they don t , your honour , rep ied milk ’ i man . I serve your honour s house with m lk , and not they have paid me for two months . ” n ot Well , said the Commissioner , you will supply me any more you will be watering my milk to make up for this thl rt een pounds you are going to lose . wa s Lord Tenterden , though a great lawyer , by no n of means a humourist , but an i voluntary witticism his - may be recalled , which , though tolerably well known , will yet bear repetition . He had contracted such a habit of keeping himself a n d everyone else t o the precise matter in hand , that once during a Circuit dinner , having asked a county magistrate if he would take some venison , and receiving what he deemed t o be a n evasive reply . i i Thank you , my lord I am go ng to take boiled Ch cken ,

n o a t o e . he sharply retorted , That is nswer my qu stion ou t l I ask y again if you will ake venison , and wi l trouble THE OL D DAYS 1 45

you to sa y Yes or No without further prevarica ’ tion . is N The law a ass , wrote Dickens in icholas for Nickleby, and centuries writers have been telling the public that the people who trust their affairs t o a re of lawyers also asses . Gallons ink have been spilt n in warni g folk against going to law , and even legal luminaries themselves have indulged at times in sarcastic f r humour at the expense o their p ofession . for Judge Chitty , for instance , was the authority the following story illustrating the manner in which clients ’ interests are protected at times . on rr of son A wealthy attorney , the ma iage his , gave 00 r r him £5 , and handed him ove a Chance y suit , with - r some common law actions , telling him he might conside d t o r for himself a lucky og be so handsomely p ovided . of son a n d A couple years after , the came back asked r his father fo more business . ou More business , y rascal exclaimed the irritated r wh ou pa ent , y I gave y that capital Chancery suit t o sa alone a princely income any lawyer , to y nothing f - o the several common law actions . What more c a n you want sir two Yes , , replied the youth , but that was r yea s ago ; and I have , some months since , wound up r of who the suit , and made quite a f iend my client , is delighted with the way in which I managed to put him ” of in possession his estate . r ou Then what a silly , imp ovident fool y must be n shouted his father , indigna tly . Why, that suit was Offi r of in my ce a quarte a century, and would be there ’ still if I had kept it myself . What s the use of putting business in your way ? I Shall do nothing more for ” ou y . A very clever and exceedingly witty Lord of Appeal wa s Ma cn a ht en 1 1 Lord g , who died in February, 9 3 . He had been a law lord for twenty-six years when he on r 2 th 1 88 died , having been appointed Janua y 5 , 7 , and on s e the death of Mr . Ju tic Grantham in November

K. 1 46 J UDICIAL HUMOUR OF

1 1 1 His . l 9 , he became Father of the Bench po itical l Speeches were usual y characterised by humour , while who him o r according to one knew , he t ok extrao dinary care in the composition of his written and printed judg

ments , polishing them and repolishing them , and ever suppressing a humorous sally if it did not fin ally commend ”

r r r d . itself to his taste . Admi able est aint indee ’ Ma cn a ht en s r g judgments , however, said a W iter in ’ the Da ily Teleg ra ph at the time of his lordship s

u r . death , often contained felicitous and h morous ph ases A firm of brewers named Thompson had a brewery at f r h h one Stone , in Sta fordshi e , w ich had been establis ed r o r hundred yea s r more . Thei liquor had thus acquired

a s . . c a reputation Stone Ale A Mr Montgomery influen ed , the as he said , by the peculiar excellence of water, also ” l r established a brewery which he cal ed Stone Brewe y . Then naturally he went on to ca l l his beers Stone ” di s Ales . Thus came procee ngs by the Thomp ons to ” e fi u s . i restrain the of the name It is not the rst t me , r Ma cna ht en ot rema ked Lord g , that water has g an honest man into trouble and then failed him at a

pinch . Observing that the Courts below could not be per sua ded that Montgomery wa s attracted by the chemical of : virtue the water , he continued They thought he went there simply with the obj ect of stea ling the plain ’ f r ti f s t ade , and in the hope of reaping where he had ” Thom not sown . In answer to the argument that the p of : sons had no monopoly in the name Stone , he said “ It would have been impos sible for him to have called ’ his a l his ales Stone Ales , and to have distinguished es of f from those the plainti fs . Any attempt to distinguish

the two , even if honestly meant , would have been

perfectly idle . Thirsty folk want beer , not explana ” tions . r l v Still happier was a ph ase in an appea of Kehoe . L a ndso n e of or a Lord w . A number huts cott ges had been erected for the accommodation of evicted tena nts on land let to the Bishop as a residence for the parish

HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

1 52 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

’ this Captain Baillie at a friend s table ; and after dinner expressed myself with some warmth , probably with on of some eloquence , the corruption Lord Sandwich , a s First Lord of the Admiral ty ; and then diverted to him r the scandalous practices imputed to , with rega d i to Greenwich Hospital . Ba llie nudged the person Sitting

wa s . next to him , and asked who I l Being told that I had been just ca led to the Bar , and had formerly been in the Navy , Baillie exclaimed : ‘ ’ G one Then , by I ll have him for of my ’ r counsel . I t udged down to Westminster Hall when

I got the brief , and being the junior of five who would be heard before me , never dreamt that the court would

r . n hea me at all The argument came on , Du ning , Bear croft , Wallace , Bower, Hargrave , were all heard at

wa s . considerable length , and I to follow Hargrave - was long winded and tired the court . This protracted so he e the cause long , that when had finish d , Lord Mans field said that the remaining counsel should be heard next morning .

This was exactly what I wished . I had the whole night t o arrange in my cha mbers what I had to sa y the next morning and I took the court with their faculties wn i awake and freshened , succeeded quite to my o sat s ' faction (sometimes the surest proof that you have sa tis fied s t other ) , and as I marched along the hall , af er the of rising the judges , the attorneys flocked round me ” with their retainers . of n ot The annals law do record a triumph more sudden , or better earned . Lord Mansfield frequently checked n r a the you g Speake when , w ndering from the immediate r his matter at issue , he hu led the weapons Of eloquence r is t r at Lord Sandwich himself . Lo d Sandwich n o befo e the court observed the Chief Justice in a tone of grave Not r reproof . before the cou t Then , my lord , I will r r r d ag him befo e the cou t , replied the intrepid advocate . ha s r It been eported that , when he left the court , Erskine r r r s on d in had thi ty b iefs p es ed him by a mir g attorneys , hi l who had witnessed s bril iant display . HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR 1 53

wa s 1 8 - This in 77 , when Erskine was twenty eight years f o age , and after he had tried successively the navy , army, for -five and the church , and the next forty years , until his wa s of death , Erskine regarded as the brightest legal

H . luminaries . is fame as an advocate was immense

Indeed , Lord Campbell called him the greatest in ancient or modern times . ’ of e Undoubtedly, much Erskine s popularity and succ ss , t o of however , was due his charm voice and manner and personal magnetism . Boswell mentions meeting him in his youth at Sir ’ a s Archibald Macdonald s . He describes him a young f of who o ficer in the regimentals the Scots Royals , talked so with a vivacity, fluency , and precision uncommon that o he attracted particular attention . In the course f the conversation , Erskine boasted that when at Minorca he n ot to had only read prayers , but preached two sermons w . a s the regiment It , indeed , always a favourite boast of t o his , have been a sailor , a soldier , a parson , and a ’

. of lawyer A propos Erskine s varied career, the following story might be told . Prominent amongst eighteenth-century lawyers cele bra t ed for r - w thei humour , was the well kno n Jack Lee , or a l Honest Jack Lee , as he came to be c led by the

MP . of . fraternity the bar He was for Higham Ferrers , - 1 82 Solicitor General in 7 in the Rockingham Ministry, - and Attorney General in the Coalition Ministry , and he was on e of the counsel engaged in the court-martial on Admiral i 1 E rks n e . Keppel in 779, and defended him conjointly with ’ so Being a Yorkshireman , Lee s accent was strongly provincial that his pronunciation sounded very curious r at times to southern e ars . F o instance whenever he had t o oft - r a employ the recur ing phr se , showing cause , ” it sounded something like shoeing cows . One day r off his Erskine took the oppo tunity to Show humour , by r r info ming the lea ned counsel, that in the south we

shoe horses , not cows . on Lee , however , had his revenge Erskine , when the latter on a later occasion tried to take advantage of his 1 54 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

’ i s peculiar mannerisms when address ng the j ury . Er kine s of wa s gift mimicry almost proverbial , and in a certain ’ case he availed hi mself of this talent by imitating L ee s well-known manner of folding his arms across his breast - c and throwing back his spectacles , and his north ountry f f ’ w . o a s accent The e fect Lee s address which followed , of course , entirely destroyed by this Clever but question r wa s able p oceeding the Court , however , convulsed with ’ of i laughter, till Lee rose at the conclusion Ersk ne s

Speech and turned the tables against him . n our We all k ow , he said , that before joining r hi s honourable profession , the learned counsel t ied sea a n d n f fortune at , , faili g there , o fered himself to the r for army ; thence he p oceeded to the pulpit , which he u nfitt e d n ot n ow likewise proved , but I did suppose , till , that his versatility would induce him to prepare for a f ” career o mounteba n k at Bartholomew Fair .

Nevertheless , although at times they indulged in such

s a n d s . personalitie , both Lee Erskine became fa t friends Erskine owed his title and official dignity t o his faith t o F ox r r e of ful attachment Mr . du ing the c itical p riod To wa s the French Revolution . the King , Erskine personally obnoxious from his havin g undertaken the e of Tom def nce Paine , the notorious Radical dema gogue . When the arrangements for the Talents r of F ox administration were in the cou se settlement , submitted to the King a list of such persons a s his party considered eligible for the Chancellorship . At the head ’ of wa s this list Erskine s name , placed there , not under any expectation that the King would consent to his

r r of r r . appointment , but me ely as a ma k esteem and ega d did ob ec The King , however , not make the anticipated j

r Mr . r tion . He me ely observed , Well , if E skine must r r is r a r n ot be Chancello , remembe he you Ch ncello and r r mine and Mr . E skine accordingly became Chancello , his r much to his own astonishment and that of f iends . The surprise which they manifested arose Simply from the knowledge of how much he wa s disliked by the King . ’ As xa m e of one i an e m Lord Erskine s humour , m ght

1 50 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

of e s I am Opinion that this action will not lie , unl s the ” Witnesses do . ’ bon mots Lord Erskine s , however , are proverbial , of many them being extensively quoted . The follow

ing examples , however , may be new to some readers . ’ r r One day , dining at the Lord Chancello s , whe e he met rr i the celebrated navigator , Captain Pa y , Lord Ersk ne asked him on what diet he and his crew subsisted when

frozen up in the Polar seas . ” c Ah , replied the Captain , we had no resour e but

to live on seals . t oo And very good living , replied Lord Erskine , and (reflecting regretfully on the lucrative offi ce he had is had to resign) he added , that , if you keep them ” long enough . wa s suc There an occasion , when Lord Erskine had ceeded in a cause in which his clients were the directors

of a large coal company , that they gave a great dinner of to celebrate their triumph , making Erskine the hero l on the occasion . When , after dinner, he was cal ed for u a toast , he gave the following Sink yo r pits , blast ” your mines , dam your rivers .

And then there is his reply to Dr . Parr , who told Lord

Erskine that he would write his epitaph . is Ah , replied the legal Wit such a prospect enough

to make one commit suicide . ’ Just one more example of Erskine s wit . He once ’ u i wrote in a French lady s alb m , the following mpromptu

Th e ren ch ha e t a s t e in a ll t h e d o F v y , W hich we a re q uit e wi thout ; r N t ure whi ch h a s i en e F o a g v t h m g out. ” n iven u — u H a s o ly g S go t .

of i Many the stories attributed to Lord Ersk ne , however , l really concern his brother, Henry , notably the fo lowing On the formation of what wa s called the Coalition

wa s . n . Mi istry , Mr Erskine appointed to succeed Mr im Henry Dundas (afterwards Lord Melville) , in the

portant Situation of Lord Advocate of Scotland . On HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR 1 57

the morning of receiving his appointment , he had an inter Mr - view with . Dundas in t—he Outer Parliament House when , observing that the ex Premier had already resumed the ordinary stuff gown which all practitioners at the

Scottish Bar, except the Lord Advocate and Solicitor

General for the time being , are in the custom of wearing , off he gaily said , that he must leave talking , and go r and o der his silk gown to be made . It is hardly ” ou worth while , said Mr . Dundas dryly, for the time y ”

Y ou . . will want it . had better borrow mine Mr : Erskine , with admirable promptness , replied From Mr the readiness , . Dundas , with which you make the f o fer, I have no doubt that yours is a gown made to fit ff any party but , however Short my time in o ice may be , it shall never be said of Henry Erskine that he adopted of the abandoned habits his predecessor .

Like Lord Erskine , his brother Henry had a high reputation in society for that wit and hilarity which so render social converse delightful .

Soon after being called to the Bar; Mr . Erskine went a circuit in the train of the celebrated Lord Ka imes . His r of lo dship , though a man very enlarged mind , fell some times into the Sin of being pitifully parsimonious ; and on so no occasion was he more apt to be , than when he travelled and feasted at the public expense , and there wa s a possibility of saving something for himself out of the sum regularly allotted in Scotland to Judges in their ofli cia l county excursions . t one Ka imes On the rising of the cour day , Lord invited

. t o Mr Erskine , with some other young barristers , dine with him . When the Cloth was removed , the company wa s of found that port alone to be the order the day . ’ wa s iven t o Hint after hint g his lordship , that Since the f public were to pay, something better might be a forded , but his lordship passed over every allusion of the kind un noticed and when at last the war oblique seemed verg ing towards a more direct order of hostilities , he turned

s . of toward Mr Erskine , and , with a view shifting the s s e ubject , a k d him very gravely, What could have 1 58 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR ” become of the Dutch ? who had a Short time before Off nk r r been drubbed the Dogger Ba by Admi al Parke . No shift could have been more unfortunate for his lord Mr . r i Ship . E skine , w th a smile , said , I suppose , my r a re K a imes lo d , they like us , confined to Port . Lord , who , with all his niggardliness , had a mind sensibly alive r of to the sallies of genius , immediately orde ed a supply r n the best cla et in the house to be placed o the table . Some parts of the north- east coast of Scotland are u of famous for a pec liar sort small dried haddocks , called r Speldings , which are sent in la ge quantities to the southern r u counties , and form a prominent a ticle of lux ry at all r the country fairs . The best idea that an English reade ca n form of this luxury is to suppose himself chewing a r of r st ap leather . The late eccent ic Hugo Arnot , author ” of of wa s The History Edinburgh , who in his person r one rema kably meagre , happening day to come into the Parliament House exercising his jaws on one of these i a i delicacies , Mr . Ersk ne , stepping up to him , s d , I wish ou o sa w so i y much j y , Mr . Arnot I never you look l ke ” your meat before . wa s The same gentleman , Mr . Arnot , remarkable for the looseness of his opinions with respect t o futurity ;

. wa s on while Mr Erskine , the contrary , as much distin guished for a deep sense of revealed religion and an u attention to every Christian ordinance . One S nday t o on afternoon Mr . A . happened be horseback , when

. r r he met Mr Erskine retu ning from divine service . Whe e ” ou ? have y been , Harry said the historian . What has a man of your sense and education to do among a ? parcel of old women ? Wh at did you expect to hear ”

wa s . Where your text Our text , said Mr Erskine , wa s in the sixth chapter of the Revelations : And I a n d his sa t on looked , and beheld a pale horse , name that ’

wa s . . him Death , and Hell followed with him Mr who wa s on a l - d Arnot , actually mounted a p e coloure n horse , felt the sarcasm in all its force , and , mutteri g a

off. hasty execration , rode It wa s Henry Erskine who invented the following

1 6 0 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

fu of advice , the tility entering into a lawsuit with a of wealthy neighbour , having himself no means defending

his cause, received for answer Ye dinna ken what you ’ sa r t o y, maister there s nae a pui man in Scotland need r r i want a friend , or fear an enemy , while Ha ry E sk ne lives Although not so witty or eloquent perhaps a s the who l t he Erskine brothers , Lord Young , was ca led to 1 8 0 wa s Scotch Bar in 4 , and first appointed Solicitor 1 8 2 of General for Scotland in 5 , had a keen sense humour , r r and many are the stories told ega ding him . When he wa s one of the Lords Ordinary in the Outer of r House , he had a somewhat heavy roll business , pa tly owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open of a longer than usual . One his colleagues at the time w s Cra i hill wa s Lord g , and the new judge , when at last he f Cu ehill o rri . appointed , took the courtesy title Lord On r the appointment being announced , Lord Young g atefully quoted the opening lines of the n u t Psalm

I t o t h e H ills wil i t mI n e e e s l l f y , rom en e o in a id F wh c d th come m e .

Once Lord Young and Lord Deas were on circuit to wa s gether at Glasgow . According to custom , Court r r Opened with a praye by a p ominent divine . At luncheon wa s n afterwards , Lord Young said to a friend who lunchi g with the judges Very long prayer that fellow gave u s

- to day, but , after all , I suppose it quite right that when Deas goes on circuit the attention of the Almighty Should ll be ca ed to the fact . A case wa s once being tried before the Lord Young ” v Cra bbie Crabbe . . ai I may explain , my lud , s d the advocate , that Cra bbie my Client , Crabbe , is a nephew of our opponent , ‘ ’ but a few years ago he dropped the i in his name for of the sake euphony . ” Ah , replied Lord Young , he has Biblical authority ’ f out for that If thy i o fend thee , pluck it . The presen t Lord Justice General of Scotland (Lord HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR 1 6 1

n Dunedin) was , as Mr . Graham Murray , once pleadi g

be fore Lord Young . At the time Mr . Graham Murray r Ba r wa s had the largest p actice at the Scottish , but also

able t o mi x freely and late In Edinburgh society . In the

course of an argument Mr . Murray , to find a metaphor , made some reference to a ball he had been at the previous

r . night , or ather , the same morning S - I cannot understand , olicitor General , said Lord

ca n . Young , how you burn the candle at both ends M t o Ah , replied Mr . Graham urray , I do that make ” both ends meet . A dwa ll one of of of Lord r , the Judges the Court Session ,

of . On e a s . r was a man large proportions day , Mr And ew a Jamieson , he was ple ding before Lord Young , and the opening counsel interposed with the remark that he was

not disposed to disagree with his friend . ” Advo But , my lud , said Mr . Jamieson , the Lord ” case and I are not by any mea ns in the same boat . ou on e r NO , said Lord Young , y will require enti ely ” t o yourself . Lord Young wa s rather fond of telling the story of the who t oo Scottish advocate had drank rather freely, and who was called on unexpectedly to plead in a cause in r r which he had been etained . The lawye mistook the r for wa s pa ty whom he engaged , and , to the great amaze of who ment the agent had feed him , and the absolute r of r horro the poor client who was in court , he delive ed r r a long and fe vent Speech , directly opposite to the inte wa s ests he had been called upon to defend . Such his of zeal that no whispered remonstrance , no jostling the

. sit elbow, could stop him But just as he was about to r down , the trembling solicitor in a brief note info med him , for that he had been pleading the wrong party . This r intimation , which would have disconce ted most men , f f on had a very di ferent e fect the advocate , who , with an of air infinite composure , resumed his oration . Such , ” “ r my lo ds , said he , is the statement which you will probably hear from my learned brother on the Opposite i I n t is a u e I s a a s de h C s h ll now, therefore, beg leave , in 1 6 2 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

few words , to Show your lordship how utterly untenable r are the principles , and how disto ted are the facts , upon ” ha s which this very specious statement proceeded . The learned gentleman then went over the whole ground , and did not take his seat until he had completely and ener etical l his g y refuted the whole of former pleading . A somewhat similar incident happened some time ago A in the Rolls Court . Mr . . , an eminent counsel , received a brief in Court a short time before the cause wa s called on of of , for the purpose opposing the prayer a petition . A Mr . . , conceiving himself to be the petitioner , Spoke very of wa s ably in support the petition , and followed by a counsel on the same side . The Master of the Rolls then ho A w . . n inquired Opposed the petition Mr . , havi g by this time discovered his mistake , rose in much confusion and said , that he really felt much ashamed for a blunder into which he had fallen , but that , instead of supporting the petition , it was his business to have opposed it . The r o Maste of the Rolls , with great g od humour , desired him now on to proceed the other Side , observing , he knew no r O counsel who could answer his a guments S well as himself . r Lo d Cockburn , the famous Scottish judge , Showed e pretty wit at times . He is said to have b en the author of the following lines concerning Serjeant Sparkie, - who a hard headed old Scotchman , , late in life , married a really very charming young lady

W h en Miss Smith wa s twen ty Sh e h a d love rs in plen t y ; W h en Miss Smit h g ot olde r H er love rs g ot c olde r ; h e n c a me Ser ea n t S a n kie T g p , ’ i n ie An d Mis s Smit h s a d Ta k .

r f At a trial in Jedburgh , in which Monc ie f , Jeffrey , and r wa s Cockbu n were engaged as counsel , while the former f r w addressing the jury , Je f ey , ith a view to passing time , e i hand d a Slip of paper to Cockburn , with the follow ng case for his opinion A legacy wa s lately left by an old lady t o the Peer A th i wa s w b the a of Aberdeen . s e w ll ritten y Dow ger

1 6 4 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

u of Fac lty Advocates , who , when the Court assembled next day , rose and addressed their lordships . ” My young friend , he said , yesterday committed on e for what may seem an unforgivable indiscretion , but of which he asked the clemency the Court . Had he pleaded as long as I have I am sure he woul d never be ’ of r surprised at any your lo dship s judgments . Cockburn once was Sitting next to Thesiger during a hi trial before Campbell , Chief Justice , in w ch the judge read some French documents , and , being a Scotsman , it l of a . wa s attracted a good de attention Cockburn , who n a good French scholar , was much a noyed at the Chief ’ of Justice s pronunciation the French language . ” u He is m rdering it , said he , murdering it 0 N , my dear Cockburn , answered Thesiger, he is ” not . killing it , only Scotching it This recalls the story told of a Scottish advocate who m his once scored off a judge in a very neat anner . In pleading he had several times pronounced the word ” enow for enough . r Mr . the Judge emarked at length , in ‘ ’ a s f n ot England we sound the ough uff enu f , ’ enow . - o Verra weel , ma lord , continued the self p ssessed ma pleader . Of this we have said enuff and I come , wa s t o of . lord , the subdivision the land in dispute It

apportioned , ma lord , into what in England would be — called pluffla n d a pluffl a n d being as much land a s a luffma n f one luffmen p can plu f in day , and p not a But his lordship could withst nd the ready repartee , r and bu st into a laugh , saying : ‘ we of Pray proceed , Mr . know enow the

Scottish language to understand your arguments . r Another distinguished Scottish advocate , John Cle k , his r r wa s r n . afterwa ds Lo d Eldin , rather sma t with to gue r of r In an appeal case befo e the House Lo ds , he con “ ’ cluded his argu ment with That s the hail thing in

n lorrds . ou plain E glish , ma Plain Scotch y mean , ” s i ma itt er Mr . Clerk , aid Lord Eld n . Nae , returned HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR 1 6 5

’ lorrds the advocate , in plain commonsense, ma , an ’ ’ ” that s the same in a languages , we ken weel eneuch . ’ M Con a chie On another occasion , after Mr . became r r Lo d Meadowbank , he had a case brought befo e him wa s in which Clerk counsel , and his lordship took occasion to suggest to Clerk that in a number of process he might ” have varied the frequently used expression also , by ” m ” likewise . I beg your pardon , y lord , said Clerk , ” but the terms are not always synonymous . In every ruffl case , retorted Meadowbank , g y . Clerk still dis ” s . ented . Then cite an instance , demanded the judge ’ r wa s Well , rema ked Clerk , your lordship s father of a lso a Judge Session . You are a Judge of Session , ” likewise but not . John Clerk when away from the Bar would indulge in the flowing bowl with a boon companion . On one occasion he dined freely at the house of a friend in Queen

Street , Edinburgh , and wending his way homewards in own the morning , he failed to discover his house in r Pica dy Place . Observing a housemaid engaged in r ca n cleaning a doorstep , he enquired My good gi l , you tell me whaur John Clerk lives ? ” Awa’ wi ’ ” your nonsense , said the girl in some astonishment , ’ ’ you re John Clerk That s true enough , ” ’ ’ it s lassie , replied the advocate , but no John Clerk ’ ’ ’ ’ ” it s I m seeking , John Clerk s house . h a d Clerk a halt in his gait , and when passing along one the street day, he overheard a lady remark to a ’ ” : friend That s John Clerk , the lame lawyer . No , madam , said he , turning back and looking at the lady , ” I am a lame man , but not a lame lawyer . t oo of Lord Kellie , , was rather fond conviviality, and once told an amusing story against himself of an incident which occurred when he was presiding over a legal party in Edinburgh . He requested a gentleman present to do something to amuse the company . The gentleman begged to be excused saying he wished t o return home .

Lord Kellie insisted that he should either Sing a song , c a e the rack a joke , or tell story, wher upon gentleman 1 6 6 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

thus pressed began . One day, said he , a thief , in of sa w the course his rounds , the door of a church open .

He walked in , and laid his hands upon all he considered worthy of lifting but on returning to the door he found AS . n of it , to his consternation , Shut the only mea s n escape left , he resolved to let himself dow by the bell f rO e . o p The bell , course , rang , the people were alarmed , h wa s a s and the t ief taken just he reached the groun d . When they were dragging him away he looked up and hi addressed the bell as I now address your lords p . Had ’ ‘ it not been , he said , for your lang tongue and your ’ empty head , I had made my escape . Lord Newton wa s also as eminent for his tippling a f s wa s or il . qualifications , he his legal ab ity He was h proposing to buy an estate , and mentioned t is to a f legal riend , saying at the same time he should like it one - to be with a well sounding name , as he perhaps ” hi r wa s s . might take title from it Well , my lo d , the k Dru n ie . reply, there is the estate of in the market ’ ’ s Buy it , and then ye ll no need to tak it amis when ’ ” sa fowk y ye re drunk aye . w of The Edinburgh la yers a past generation , however , one were much addicted to hard drinking . On occasion a well -known advocate enga g ed with a judge in a tre mendous carouse which lasted all night until within a Single hour of the time when the Court wa s to meet f hi s . u o next morning The advocate , in the h rry toilet , thrust the pack of cards he had been using over night of n his into the pocket his gown , and in ope ing case to — plead before the judge his boon companion of the —he out a d previous evening , in pulling his h n kerchief, drew out at the same time the fift y-two witnes ses of the ’ t previous evening s debauch , which fell scattered wi hin “ his . C the Bar Mr . said judicial associate in t l ou u guilt , with the u most coo ness , before y begin yo r ’ ” case I think ye had better tak up your hand . of if - w The name Sher f Comrie Thomson , the well kno n “ tis C. Mr Scottish Q . , says . William Harvey, in Scot h ” t e Life and Charac er, is connected with one or two inter st

1 6 8 HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR

Bra xfield before Lord , and as it was evident that they were suffering from the effects of their respective de s bauches of the previous night , he thus unceremoniou ly addressed them Gentlemen , ye may juist pack up ’ ’ o your papers and gang hame . The tane ye s rifting ’ ’ ither s r punch , and the belching cla et , and there ll be ’ ” oot nae good got o ye the day . E skgrove succeeded Bra xfield as head of the Crimina l

. b Court When addressing a jury , if a name could e one a ll pronounced in more ways than he gave them . - Syllable he invariably pronounced sylla bill , and the fi letter g when the nal letter in any word , was pro

nounced so. of , and strongly He was fond employing unnecessary adjectives , and the article a was generally made into one . He described a good man as on e a mia bill r excellent , and worthy , and , and ag ee ” a bill . , and very good man Condemning a tailor to e him a d d ath for murdering a soldier by stabbing , he ou dressed him with the words , And not only did y of murder him , whereby he was bereaved his life , but ou or or or ro ell y did thrust , push , pierce , project , p p the lethal weapon through the belly-band of his regimen-tal ’ - es-t s breeches , which were his Ma j y In addressingajuryhefrequently proceeded to direct their “ so i judgment with thewords , And , gentlemen , hav ngshown ’ a nn ell s irn ossibill h you that the p argument isutterly p , I s all ” a bill now proceed to show you that it is extremely improb . ma nd s - u Lord Her wa another well known legal l minary .

As an advocate he was eminently successful , and when it was known he wa s to speak the Court wa s filled . His eagerness made him froth and Splutter , and a story is n n told to the effect that Joh Clerk , after pleadi g a case Herma n d d before Lord , resumed his seat to await ju g erma nd a ment . H took up the case rather w rmly , and a s in the excited , and , Clerk thought , party views which ’ wa s the Bench took , the saliva from the judge s lips of t e spurted on the face the sarcastic advocate , who “ ’ ’ I 0 the w e marked , ha e often heard de s of H rmon , but never felt them afore this nicht . HUMOURISTS OF THE SCOTTISH BAR 1 6 9

rm d He a n showed great contempt for statute law, and ’ e a ! ? fr quently excl imed , A statute What s a statute — Words mere words ! And am I to be tied down by r l ds of a a r . wo ds No , my I go by the law right reason , la a rd la a rds — s . my I feel my law here , my striking his heart . It must have been the recollection of this anecdote that prompted a young solicitor before the f a of Stirling Sheri f Court to expl in , when a number cases wa s were cited bearing on the point at issue , that he ” there to get justice , not law . ’ Herma nd s wa s Drinking , in estimation , a virtue ; and this wa s shown when he was engaged in a case where a man was charged with stabbing another in the course ’ of a night s carousal . They had been carousing the Herma nd whole night , exclaimed , and yet he stabbed him ! After drinking a whole bottle of rum with him ! ’ ’ la a rds Good God , my , if he will do this when he s drunk , what will he not do when he’ s sober ? H erma nd was very intimate with Lord Eldon , and they were counsel together in Eldon’ s first important o in case in the House f Lords . Eldon wrote out his Herma nd tended speech , and getting to dine with him , ’ out Herma nd s took the document , read it , enquired of it sir opinion it , and asked him if would do . Do , Herma nd — exclaimed , it is delightful absolutely de lightful I could listen to it for ever ! It is so beauti so ! sir fully written and beautifully read But , , it is the greatest nonsense ! It may do very well for an English Chancellor ; but it would disgrace a clerk with us .

CHAPTER VI

HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR .

Th e I ri sh a re a f a ir people ; t hey n ever s pea k well of on e - a h er a mu el ohn s on . not . S j

SE! ENTEEN hundred and seventy-five may be said to have been one of the most significant years in the history of wa s the Emerald Isle , for it in that year that Daniel ’ ” O Conn ell , the Liberator , greatest of Irish patriots r of and o ators , was born , within a few weeks the debut of of at the Bar John Philpot Curran , whose mastery wit of the law , brilliant , quickness repartee , mental acuteness and astonishing felicity of ready language

was unparalleled . No two men influenced Irish thought , ’ O Connell politics and law more than Curran and , and historians have vied with one another in their panegyrics

of both . ’ ’ O Connell s political achievements and triumphs some r a t what ove shadowed his successes the Bar , whereas r he Cur an , although did some magnificent work in the his won dis Irish Parliament for countrymen , greatest

tinction as a lawyer . f r Physically , no two men could have been more di fe ent . ’ Daniel O Connell ' was framed by nature for the part he i . s x had to play in life Almost feet high , of burly figure , r l m giant st ength , inexhaustib e energy, and enor ous r of r of powe s wo k , he had a splendid command nervous r language , and a mighty voice that ose high above the

r r of . up oa the crowd A magnificent orator , trenchant , - r r versatile , self possessed , since e with all his exagge ation , f ready in unstudied and e fective retort , richly endowed

W i a . a s a nd e th co r e but genuine humour , ver thoroughly 1 73 1 74 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR w Irish , he controlled at ill the wildest emotions of an Irish s u mob , and passed with the ea e of a master from b rsts of passion and outrageous buffoonery to the tenderest of of pathos . He was master all the artillery vitupera tion , but it should be remembered in his defence that his of a he was assailed all life , the constant victim m lig

n t ffi r . i y and hatred now di cult to ealise . Even the Times newspaper stigmatised him as an unredeemed ” r H ow and unredeemable scound el , and asked , long shall such a wretch be tolerated among civilised men P ’ r On the other hand , Curran s b illiant mind was like Of that Pope , hidden behind a little figure , and ugly face , hi s his shrill voice being often ridiculed by opponents . wa s But they seldom scored . A burly counsellor who once Opposed to Curran tried to make capital out of i i c a c so a in s n fi n e . . this physic l g If you go on , Mr ’ Curran , I ll put you in my pocket . Egad if you ” ’ r do , etorted he , you ll have more law in your pocket ” ou than ever y had in your head . ’ Curran s notion Of industry was somewhat ludicrous .

An hour to him wa s a day to another man . A single glance made him master of the subject ; and though i l imag nation could not supply him with facts , stil it very

Often became a successful substitute for authorities . He of once said , in serious refutation what he called the a u professional c lumnies on this subject , that he was q ite as laborious as was necessary for any Nisi Prius advocate ” be w to be ; For , said , ith the utmost simplicity, I always perused my briefs carefully when I was concerned for the plaintiff ; and it was not necessary to do it for u the defendant , because , you know , I co ld pick up facts ’ ” from the Opposite counsel s statement . of be i Curran was no respecter persons , and exerc sed on a l wi his wit great and small ike , th dire results in one n case , for he had the misfortune to provoke the e mity of a ma n whose thirst for revenge was only to be satisfied by the utter ruin of his adversary . In the discussion Of u t e a bill of a penal nature , C rran inveighed in s rong t rms

1 76 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

s a letter which he addressed to a friend , twenty year after , he says I made no compromise with power I had the merit of provoking and despising the personal malice of every r wa s w of man in I eland who the kno n enemy the country . Without the walls of the court of justice my character was pursued with the most persevering slander ; and within those walls , though I was too strong to be beaten n SO t down by any judicial malig ity, it was not wi h my s clients , and my consequent losses in profes ional income a s e have never been estimated at less , you must hav

Often heard , than The incidents attendant on this deadly disagreement were at times ludicrous in the extreme . One day , when it wa s known that Curran wa s to make an elaborate r a gument in Chancery , Lord Clare brought a large New foun dla n d dog upon the Bench with him ; a nd during the progress Of the argument he lent his ear much more to the dog than to the barrister . At last the Chancellor seemed to cast aside all regard for decency ; he turned of himself quite aside , in the most material part the argument , and began , in full Court , to fondle the animal . ? . G0 on on Curran stopped short , go , Curran cried

r . Lo d Clare Oh replied Curran , I beg a thousand pardons , my lord ; I really took it for granted that r wa you lordship s employed in consultation . Even as a young lawyer Curran was distinguished for

r . his unbridled tongue , even when add essing judges Soon r on e of afte he had been called to the Bar , some statem nt ’ Judge Robinson s , the young counsel Observed that he had never met the law as laid down by his lordship in ” ” his any book in library . That may be , Sir , said the ” judge but I suspect that your library is very small . Mr r . Curran replied I find it more instructive , my lo d , ! to study good works than to compose bad ones . My ’ - r books may be few , but the title pages give me the write s

u e R o in son wa s t h e a u th or o f ma n st u i s a ish J dg b y p d . l v , a n d s c u rri ou s o it ic a a m h e t s a n d h is d e me rits ra is e l p l l p p l . b—y , d t o the eminence which he th us disgra ced L ORD HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 77

not names , and my shelf is disgraced by any such rank absurdities that their very authors are ashamed t o own ” ” ou a re r them . Sir , said the judge , y fo getting the respect which you owe to the dignity of the judicial ” Mr ! . character . Dignity exclaimed Curran My r lo d , upon that point I shall cite you a case from a book of r some autho ity , with which you are , perhaps , not ” r of unacquainted . He then briefly recited the sto y ” r r who off St ap , in Rode ick Random , , having stripped his . coat to fight , entrusted it to a bystander When the wa s r battle ove , and he was well beaten , he turned to

r off. resume it but the man had car ied it Mr . Curran : SO r r thus applied the tale , my lo d , when the pe son entrusted with the dignity of the judgment - seat lays it aside for a moment to enter into a disgraceful personal r contest , it is in vain , when he had been wo sted in the r it— it encounter , that he seeks to esume is in vain that he tries to shelter himself behind an authority which he ” ’ ou sa had abandoned . If y y another word I ll commit ” you , replied the angry judge ; to which Mr . Curran so we retorted If your lordship shall do , shall both of us have the consolation of reflecting that I am not the r worst thing your lo dship has committed . of r r When , on one the state t ials , Curran was add essing his the jury, with his usual animation , the judge shook ’ head at one of the advocate s arguments . Curran in st a ntl out y made oratorical capital Of the action . I see of see , gentlemen , he said , I the motion his lord ’ ship s head ; common observers might imagine that f m implied a di ference of Opinion , but they would be is it r taken , is me ely accidental . Believe me , gentlemen , ou r if y emain here many days , you will yourselves perceive — ’ that when his lordship shakes his head there s nothing ” in it . It was when Curran was defending some of the State prisoners that Lord Carleton told him that if he was not ’ careful he would lose his gown as a King s counsel . ” r his Well , my lord , replied Cur an , Majesty may take f ” the silk , but he must leave the stu f behind . 1 78 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

Another judge , whose wig had become awry , having r realised that laughter in the cou t was caused by him ,

: . rr t r said Mr Cu an , do you see any hing idiculous in ” r r this wig Nothing , but the head , instantly eto ted

the wit . r r r On anothe occasion , Cur an having made f equent of r wa s r use the word nothing in an add ess , inte ru t ed who r p by the judge , , j okingly d awing attention to of this fact , asked for a definition nothing . Nothing , r my lo d , instantly replied Curran , in my opinion r or defines it bette than a footless boot without a leg , a or bodiless shirt without neck sleeves . Curran was once making his address to the jury when r Mr an ass was heard to b ay . One at a time , . Curran , i own r if you please , said the judge , sm ling at his humou . r u Later on , when the judge was cha ging the j ry , the animal outside again uttered a loud Hee-haw-w- w Does not your lordship hear a remarkable echo in the r r rr Cou t quietly inqui ed Cu an . Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had r r for a colleague a ema kably tall and slender gentleman , who r had originally intended to take o ders . The judge observing that the case under discussion involved a of r : question ecclesiastical law , Cu ran interposed with I c a n refer your lordship to a high authority behind for r — me , who was once intended the Chu ch though , in wa s my Opinion , he fitter for the steeple . ’ M N wa s z An Irish attorney , Peter ally by name , sei ed r at the time of the rebellion with a military a dour . He

was very lame , and when walking had a limp , which he Of one could not bear to be told . Meeting Curran day , : ‘ he said My dear friend , these are not the times for a ’ r man to be idle . I mean to enter the lawye s corps and Y ou l follow the camp . follow the camp , my litt e f ! a o . man the law s id the wit Renounce the idea , r wh you can never be a disciplina ian . And y not , ’ M a ll r r a s ? N . F o Mr . Curran said y this e on , said Curran ; the moment you were ordered to march you a would h lt,

1 80 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR Sir Jonah Barrington also tells of an occasion when ’

Curran met his match . I never saw Curran s opinion so a s Of himself much disconcerted , he says , by Mr . w r i s God in , whom he had b ought , at the Carlow ass ze , r r to dine with Mr . By ne , a f iend of ours , in whose cause al e he and I had been speci ly employed as couns l . Curran , wa s on undoubtedly, not happy in his speech that occa r sion but he thought he was . Neve theless , we succeeded , r wa s r and Curran , in g eat spirits , ve y anxious to receive r a public compliment f om Mr . Godwin , as an eminent r a l for litera y man , teasing him (h f j okingly) his Opinion Of sh his Speech . Godwin fought y for a considerable time . At length Curran put the question home to him , il and it could no longer be shifted . Since you w l have ” my opinion , said Godwin , folding his arms , and leaning r back in his chair with sang f oid , I never did hear so anything bad as your prose , except your poetry, my r r dea Cur an . ’ There wa s another occasion when Father O L e a ry ’ r off r O L ea r sco ed Cur an . Father y , said Curran , in one of ou his gay moods , how I wish when I die that y ’ of ? O L ea r had the key heaven . Why asked y. r ul Oh replied Cu ran , because you co d then let me in . It would be better for you , retorted the friar , r w with a me ry t inkle in his eye , if I had the key of the r for u ou othe place , then I co ld let y out . ’ ’ O Con n ell s wa s humour of the more ponderous type , and he depended a great deal for the success of hi s cases on r l r the powe of ridicu e . When practising at the I ish Ba r he wa s retained in a Kerry case in which the venue ’ or Of wa s O Conn ell wa s place trial laid in Dublin . instructed to t ry and get the place of trial changed from

w . Dublin to Kerry . The motion a s resisted by a Mr ’ O Connell who Scriven , the counsel opposed to , happened to be a gentleman of very plain and even forbiddin g a r o f - r fe tu es , and ultra To y politics . He stated he had of r r no knowledge Ke ry , and , indeed , had neve visited “ ” ’ “ r O Connell that part of I eland . Oh , replied , we ’ l o m end a nd to s wi l be glad t welcome y learned fn , how HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 81

Killa me him the lovely Lakes Of y . Yes , growled NO r . Mr . Scriven ; pe haps the bottom of them , ’ “ r O Conn ell r no , etorted ; I would not f ighten the fish . ’ O Connell had the knack of insinuating half- a - dozen r of speeches to the jury in the cou se a case . He would put an illegal question to a Witness . The command , ’ ” of Don t answer that , would fall as a matter course

r r r r . r f om the C own P osecuto Then , says a biog apher , ’ O Conn ell would proceed to argue with the judge on the ” see r relevancy of the question. You , my lo d , he a wh would say , the re son y I put the question is because if the witness answers it in the affirmative it would then be manifestly impossible that the prisoner could have r r r on r been p esent at the mu de whereas , the othe hand , r r of if the answer we e in the negative , then the c edibility the whole case for the Crown would be infringed by that r r SO r ve y answe ; then , in any event , my lo d , the jury ” would be obliged to acquit my client . In this way; r when the occasion requi ed it , he could confuse a jury r r r by a hetorical disto tion of fact and inve sions of logic . Another forensic trick of his wa s derisively to expose or the real , assumed , legal ignorance of the counsel ! Opposed to him . Good God , my lord he would ex t o claim , interrupting the address the jury , did anyone ever hear a Crown lawyer pronounce such monstrous ? law He was also a consummate actor . He could adapt himself with marvellous versatility to every situa tion and every audience . Often by a look or a gesture he would convey more to a jury than the Crown counsel could ’ effect in one hour s speech . A quizzical glance or a r r or wink at the ju y , a sco nful look shake of his head at the Opposing counsel , a defiant stare at the judge , an affectation of unconcern to hide his anxiety in a critical or r t o r case , p etending be in a rage , a vigo ous thump on r the bench befo e him , or a quick explosion of passion or sarcasm , which the judge was powerless to stop , often e r constituted an irresistible app al to the igno ance , the e or motions , the prejudices of the twelve men who had 1 8 2 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

r r the decision of the issue . He had also ema kable powers of r mimicry , and he could talk to the witnesses in thei r r r own rustic patois o ve nacula . Thus in the searching cross - examination and the dexterous handling of hostile wa s r witnesses he always ente taining and illuminating ,

and often convincing . ’ Some of the tricks and subterfuges to which O Conn ell resorted in order t o confound witnesses would hardly

ou r . r commend themselves to age At the Cla e Assizes , t wo r r r r held in Ennis , b othe s named Hou igan we e fi indicted for setting re to a police barrack . The strongest r r wa s point against the p isone s that , on being arrested , r r sub thei clothes were found smea ed with pitch , the stance with the aid of which the building had been ’ O Conn ell or ignited . had a skillet , small pot , containing r r r pitch sec etly placed nea the witness chair , and cove ed with his broad- brimmed hat s o a s to effectually conceal r for r wa s it . The p incipal witness the p osecution the rr on police inspector . He said he had a ived the scene r fire r du ing the , and the st ong smell of pitch which prevailed naturally suggested to him how the crime had

been committed . You know the smell Of pitch , then ’ h - O Conn ell is . said , opening cross examination I do , ” Y ou t o r . well , eplied the witness seem be a man able ’ t o O Con n ell r smell pitch anywhere , said in bante ing ’ ” w r r tones . Undoubtedly I d smell it any he e , answe ed r r the witness confidently . Even he e , in this Cou t , if ” “ “ r ? dl u An d it were he e Undoubte y I wo ld . do you swear you do n ot get a smell Of pitch here asked ’ ” ll r r l O Conne If it we e he e I should smel it . said the ” ’ Now r O Con nell his witness . , c ied , in loudest and n r most scornful voice , you may go dow , you perju ed rascal And lifting his hat from the table be displayed to the astonished spectators the pot of pitch right under f o . r the nose the witness . The trick succeeded A ve dict

‘ a s Of Not guilty w returned by the jury . ’ ’ An oft - quoted example of O Con n ell s acutenes s in cross- examination concerns a trial in which he wa s n l of engaged , the question at issue bei g the va idity a

1 84 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

’ r I m ce tain , sir . r wa s n n The c owd becomi g excited and impatie t . ’ O Con n ell r ebuked them . ’ NOW , upon my conscience , said he . I won t begin my Speech till the London gentleman is entirely ready . ’ r O Conn ell c Afte waiting another moment , advan ed of r r to the front the platform . Eyes glistened , ea s we e ’ r r wa s all attention , and the epo ter s pencil poised in the ’ a ir O Conn ell . bestowed one more benignant smile on r r the co respondent , winked wickedly at his audito s , — and began his speech in the Gaelic language Judge Morris has often been referred to as on e of the r wa s i r wittiest of I ish judges . He once obl ged to hea a case at Coleraine in which damages were cla imed from a veterinary surgeon for having poisoned a valuable r ho se . The issue depended upon whether a certain number of grains of a particular drug could be safely r r administe ed to the animal . The dispensa y doctor r e a i p ov d that he had often given eight gr ns to a man , from which it wa s to be inferred that twelve for a horse wa s not excessive . r r docther Neve mind yer eight g ains , , said the a re judge . We all know that some poisons cumulative in effect and ye may g o to the edge of ruin with impunity . — ’ But tell me this The twelve grains wouldn t they kill the Devil himself if he swallowed them r wa s r : The docto annoyed , and p omptly replied ’

r r for . don t know , my lo d , I neve had him a patient o r doc ther Fr m the Bench came the answe Ah , no , , ’ ’ r ! bho s ye nive had , more s the pity The Old y still i a lo ve .

NO is r n of r anecdote bette know him , pe haps , than that concerning his reception of a distinguished Treasury f wh o rr r of O ficial , after a long co espondence on the pa t the Department wa s sent over to inquire into the e xpe ndi ’ The ture of fu el in the Courts and judges chambe rs . Chief Justice received h im politely and asked him to sit a i t down , and , fter listen ng with patience and atten ion to HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 85

u his complaint , said he would put him in comm nication r with the proper pe son . He then got up and rang the ff r a s bell ; when the tipsta appea ed he said , he left the b room Tell Mary the man has come a out the coals . l r r r r s Counse in a sanita y case , add essing Lo d Mo ri said : I shall assume that your lordship is fully a c ” q ua in t ed with the statutes and authorities . Assume of r nothing the sort , was the unexpected esponse ; I yield to no man in my utter ignoran ce of sanitary law Morris was fond of relating the followin g story to his : of r friends It was at the time a gene al election , and one day , when he was leaving the Law Courts , a sweep

accosted him and addressed him with familiarity . Be ” ’ dhirt schroun drel r Off , ye y , said Lord Mo ris , I don t ’ ” know ye Sure , that ye do , yer Oner , replied the ’ n ivir set on sweep . I ve eyes ye before Yis , ye ’ ’ ’ r 0 ave , yer one . I swept yer ner s chimneys . Oh ’ ou wa s ? n ivir it was y , it And I ll employ ye again , ’ r dl replied the judge ye did the wo k ba y , and they ve ’ i ir n i ir v . v . smoked since I ll have thee again Oh , ’ yes , ye will , yer Oner , replied the man . And I tell ’ ” ye , I won t , angrily answered Lord Morris . The sweep

persisted that he would be employed again , so Lord wh Morris asked y , saying that there were plenty of other ’ r r sweeps in I eland . Sure , yer One , all the other sweeps ’ ave become Mimbers of Parliament Shortly prior to his retirement from the Court of r r f of Appeal , Lo d Mor is , in his o ficial capacity Vice of of r Chancellor the Royal University I eland , received c Royal visitors to the Dublin Flower Show . On su h occasions it wa s incumbent on him to wear his golden f streaked robes Of O fice . Deeming it necessary to explain wh r - y he donned such go geously hued habiliments , he said : Your Royal Highness will observe that as Vice Chancellor of the University I am obliged to wear a ll

this fine toggery . I think it only fair to Offer you this explanation ; otherwise you might think I was trying t o transform myself into a sunflower 1 86 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

’ Lord Morris s wit wa s accentuated by a rich Irish ” r God . r u b ogue Thank , he once said , no one , d nk ” or r e for r sobe , could take m anything but an I ishman . wa s Once , however , a good joke made at the expense r r r of of his brogue . He and a b othe lumina y the English Bench attended the wedding of a very pretty Society r r r young lady, and as the happy pa ty d ove away f om r r r the church the wo thy judge ema ked . I wish I ” r had brought a shoe to th ow at them . A shoe , my r wa s i r wh r lo d , the witty rej o nde , y not th ow your brogue wa s rr who wa s r It Judge Mo is , too , esponsible for the mot r he ' on ce bon . following I emember , said , when r r r r the juro s we e taken in alphabetical o de . Ten men r on r r of the name of Murphy we e the ju y , all fi st cousins r r r of a fa me named Mu phy , in the dock . The other two r r r ju ymen we e Mo iartys , but what chance had they r r r so against ten Mu phys , and the Mu phys we e busy talking to the Moriartys that nobody listened to me . r r Without leaving the box the ju y acquitted the p isoner . r of What so t law do you call that asked a Saxon , standing by . ’ sa wa s of I should y it a case jury s prudence , said his lordship . r r For quiet , sa castic humour , howeve , the following rr r of comment by Judge Mo is must be given p ide place . He had just sentenced a man at Cork Assizes for a violent

on . r r attack the police The p isone , as he left the dock God I r shouted defiantly save Ireland My f iend , rr ou a re on e of r said Lord Mo is , y just those pe sons ho f r w make it impossible o God to save Ireland . Remove ” r r the p isone . Morris had n ot a very high opinion of either the in His t ellig en ce or the straightforwardness of politician s . r who eply to someone asked him , somewhat inaptly , to explain the Irish question in a few words is well is ff a of known . It the di iculty , he s id , a stupid and honest people trying to gove rn a quick-witted and dis honest one .

1 88 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

f of r case , the of ence being a pu ely technical character .

Having listened patiently to the evidence , the judge , r r : l r add essing the ju y , said I am compe led to di ect r s you to find a ve dict of guilty in this ca e , but you will r easily see that I think it is a t ifling thing , which I regard r a l as quite unfit to occupy my time . It is mo e v uable than yours . At any rate , it is much better paid for . hi Find , therefore , the prisoner guilty of abduction , w ch r on — r wa s e ests , mind ye , four points the fathe not avers , r n ot r i the mothe was opposed , the gi l was w lling , and the c o va nient r boy was n y . The ju y found the prisoner r guilty, and the judge sentenced him to emain in the dock till the rising of the Court ! Hardly had he delivered f r rr : sentence when , turning to the Sheri f , Lo d Mo is said r r l Let us go , and looking at the p isone , he cal ed r : r across the Cou t Marry the gi l at once , and God bless you both . On another occasion a highly- connected lady was giving r evidence in a sensational case tried by Lo d Morris . An important point turned on its being proved whether or n not the witness was in Dublin on a certain day . Havi g deposed that she wa s in the Irish metropolis on the date : in question , she turned round to the judge , and said Your lordship ought to know that what I state is a ” ? fact . Why the Chief Justice asked , in astonished wa s tones . Because , the lady replied , it the last of day the assizes , and you and I travelled from Galway wa s to Dublin in the same railway carriage . There a ’ subdued snigger in Court at the j udge s expense . He , i however , adroitly turned the tables by say ng in a most r : st ident yet deferential manner Madam , for the of r a sk W a s sake my characte I must you , there not a third party present a l l the way ?

Yelverton , who was Chief Baron of the Exchequer in

r wa s r . I eland , also ve y witty He once went a Lent one a circuit , and of the ssize towns happened to be a place of which one of his college conte mporaries held ’ r e the living at his own equest , the Chief Baron s rev rend e m friend preach d the assize ser on . HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 89

of wa s The time being the month March , the weather cold , the j udge was chilled , and , unhappily , the sermon the e wa s long and the preacher tedious . After discours was over the preacher descended from the pulpit and approached the judge , smirking and smiling , looking fully own r t o satisfied with his exe tions , and expecting receive the compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum . ou Well , my lord , he asked , and how did y like the sermon

Oh , most wonderfully, replied Yelverton . It — wa s like the peace of God it passed all understanding and—like his mercy—I thought it would have endured for ever . r A brusque , strenuous judge , who rega ded levity in r Court with the strongest disapp oval , Lord Russell of

Killowen figured in few amusing episodes .

On one rare occasion , however , he did crack a j oke in r Mr who r Court . The sto y is told by . B . de Bear reti ed from the position of Principal of Pitman s School of 1 1 wa s Shorthand in 9 3 , and who once called upon to give r r evidence as an expe t witness before Lo d Russell . The whole of the dispute turned upon whether a certain out ’ line in a shorthand clerk s notebook wa s intended as a r thick or thin st oke . Mr . de Bear gave his Opinion , and r on was suppo ted by the counsel the other side , Sir r no Edward Cla ke , himself a shorthand writer Of mean r r r attainments . Lo d Russell , in a pa ticula ly bad humour , of would have none of it , and , despite all the weight r t o evidence f om people who might be supposed know , positively refused to accept the suggestion between the a v lues Of strokes when taking notes . r Only I Obse ve , he said , turning to Mr . Asquith , counsel for the other side , that our friend is resolved ’ his to stand by client through thick and thin . Perhaps on e of the best stories concerning Lord Russell of is that told on the authority Sir Charles Mathews , who wa s appointed Director of Public Prosecutions in 1 08 9 . The incident occurred shortly after Lord Russell 1 90 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

one took silk . It appears that warm summer afternoon , wa s on when the late Mr . Justice Denman the Northern r r Ci cuit , some very high words were flung , just befo e the r r r ising of the Cou t , f om the Bar to the Bench , in a tone and with a vehemence which caused the learned j udge to say that he would not trust himself to reprove them rr r in his then condition of so ow and esentment , but would take the night to consider what he ought to do , and when they met again the next morning he would announce his determination . r on In conside able commotion the Court broke up , and the following day it was crowded in anticipation of a —a n scene anticipation somewhat encouraged by Mr . ’

Justice Denman s entry into Court with , if possible , r r who i mo e than o dinary solemnity, and on tak ng his seat commenced the business of the day by saying

Mr . Russell , since the Court adjourned last evening I have had the advantage of considering with my brother j udge the painful incident Upon which Russell r : quickly b oke in with My lord , I beg you will not sa r r s y a wo d mo e upon the subject , for I can hone tly assure you that I have entirely and for ever dismissed it — from my memory a turning of the tables which pro voked a roar of laughter in the Court that even the r l lea ned judge himself cou d not but j oin in . Someone has said that Lord Russell was entirely r t deficient in humou , a statement , however , wi h which few will agree who have read his Speeches and letters ’ r in his biog aphy by Barry O Brien . What could be a n l more humorously laconic , for instance , th the fol ow in on e of his who g reply , which he sent to boys had written from college for a cheque .

Dr . F

work

W edy . a his Or this . Russell , in the early p rt of career at wa s u of the Bar, in Court d ring the trial a case of big amy,

1 92 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

replied the man , but sure I am driving like the Devil ,

a of - a Lord Russell , a p stmaster in the art cross ex mina

on on e . tion , was occasion distinctly beaten by a witness ” I s What is your age ? he asked . it my age you a re a sking ? replied the witness in an exasperatingly ” r slow manne . Yes , sir , commanded the eminent ”

r . ju ist speak up now , and be exact And be exact r Well , in all my bo n days I never Come , ” come , broke in the examiner , the Court does not desire of r to hear any comments yours . Tell the Cou t your ” ” r age . Well , said the man , I celeb ated my twelfth ’ birthday last week . Don t trifle with the Court and ” ’ r ou on r I t s remembe y are oath , warned Lo d Russell . ” quite true , unconcernedly finished the witness , I wa s on - of r born the twenty ninth Feb uary in leap year , and my birthday comes only once in four years . He also got a Roland for an Oliver from a cabman at

Manchester . He and his junior were paying a visit c a b and called a . This particular afternoon Russell was in a very disagreeable mood . Things had not been wa s going well during the day . The cabman a big ,

- powerful , athletic looking fellow . On approaching the c a b wa s his , Russell , as wont , closely scanned the horse ” and the man . Why , said he , a big , powerful fellow like you ought n ot to be driving a cab ; you ought to is be doing something else . What the deuce it to ” ou a ? y , s id the cabman , what I do Get into the b own ca and mind your business . wa s n o n set This , however , by means the o ly back wa h w r . s is Lo d Russell had It habit , when he ished to embarrass an opposing counsel , to pretend to go

a s t oo . to sleep , if the other man were tedious to be heard r Mr . Gill , then a compa atively unknown man , laid the foundation of his reputation by shouting across the ’

: Sir r a re . Court Now , Cha les , don t pretend you asleep ” of ! We know that dodge , and are tired it Which reminds one of the story of the irascible old who wa s r ui judge , when a celebrated advocate a g ng HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 93

one before him day, expressed his contempt by pointing with one forefinger t o one of his ears and with the other to the opposite one .

Y ou see . this , Mr

I do , my lord , said the advocate . ” ! Well , it just goes in here and comes out there and his lordship smiled with the hilarity of a judge who

thinks he has actually said a good thing . ” I do not doubt it , my lord , promptly replied the

advocate . What is there to prevent it ? ’ r Lord Russell s sma tness , however, is strikingly illus

t ra t ed by the following story . A juryman sought to be ? excused from serving . On what ground asked

his lordship . The man approached with his hand to his ’ ear and said I m deaf , my lord , and cannot hear Y ou r the evidence . can go , said Lo d Russell in ” ou a whisper . Thank y , my lord , replied the juryman ,

taken off his guard . But the learned j udge had not “ finished his sentence , and he sternly added , into the ” box and do your duty !

Russell , however, could be very bitter at times , and one there was memorable occasion when , asked by a for for im law lord some authority a proposition , he mediately rapped out Usher ! Go into the library ! ” on and bring me an elementary book common law .

Although he was a great lawyer and a great orator , one of Russell had his little failings , and these failings was that it absolutely upset him when anybody pre f one a s sumed to di fer from him . On occ ion , in talking o f t . o Mr Gully , afterwards Speaker of the House Com

mons , Sir Charles Russell , as he then was , said I s o never could have imagined that Mr . was narrow ” ! - minded Narrow minded replied Mr . Gully in surprise Not a bit of it ; he is a most liberal-minded ” ’ ” man . Don t be ridiculous , somewhat petulantly

answered Sir Charles Russell , why this morning he differed from me twice in half-a n - hour ! On one occasion Lord Russell went to help the Liberals set in a certain campaign . He began his speech of N 1 94 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

purpose with some very badly pronounced Scotch . After the confusion caused by his apparent blunder had

subsided, Sir Charles said Gentlemen , I do not speak ” Scotch , but I vote Scotch . Tremendous applause

followed ; whereupon Sir Charles proceeded , and I

sometimes drink Scotch . With this , says tradition , on wa his hold the audience s secured . ’ An illustration of Russell s cleverness in appealing to the emotions is afforded by a breach of promise ca se in f which he appeared for the plainti f in his early days . ” The case , says his devil , was a simple one , and

' practically the question wa s the amount of damages

which the plaintiff would get . Directly his j unior and the solicitor had seated themselves in his room for the a n d f consultation , he turned to the latter , asked What is your client going to wear at the trial The solicitor

replied that he had not the faintest idea . Russell then d said , Take her to her ressmaker, and order a perfectly of plain dress a soft grey colour , fitting closely to the

figure , without any trimmings , and a big black hat , also ’ wa s as simple as possible . The consultation very short , — and the case itself was practically n ot discussed indeed ’ n there was little to discuss in it . Russell s clie t got a verdict for - Of present day Irish wits in wigs , Mr . Timothy Healy,

MP . N. E . the popular for Cork , may be said to be - pre eminent . When Healy is up either in the House or o d in c urt , a big au ience is assured . His rapier wit wa s e is deadly . He once engaged in a marital cas at

for a a . Dublin , being counsel the husb nd , the defend nt ’ The plaintiff s counsel made an impas sioned address on ’ his client s behalf, an address which moved the members of r the ju y , one after the other , to tears , and caused - r of the judge , red eyed , to send for a f esh supply hand e kerchiefs ; at length , himself overcome , the couns l sat r wa s i down and bu ied his face in his ha nds . It a try ng H a . s . e moment for the next Spe ker , and Mr Healy ro e e a a nd a t look d signific ntly at the judge , at the j ury , sa t w his a ze the counsel who had do n , and again he let g

1 96 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

a s s d o . l think you like me you u ed to Wel , said ou ha s the child , to tell y the truth Mr . Healy spoilt f r a ll me o other men . ’ There is a good story told in the hall of Gray s Inn ’ of r apropos Tim s call to the I ish Bar . Having on l never heard him Speak , the students ca l night , ’ asked him for a Speech Tim s reply wa s that as he wa s not accustomed to public speaking he would give

them a song instead . The students were delighted , and the substitute proved a great success . M P . h Probably Mr Healy is the only . . w o ever wore for r r r a hat ten yea s at a st etch . The sto y of that cele bra t ed cha ea u r l hi r p is wo th reca ling . After the sto ic hand-t o-hand fight in the House of Commons in 1 893 of r the Mayor and Corporation Alexand ia , Louisiana , Mr di . wa s r cabled to Healy that , rea ng that his hat b oken in the melee , they had voted him a new silk hat and - of r n hat case out the public funds , and equesti g him to of cable the size his head . When the new hat arrived t r he undertook o wear it to its utmost limits . Ten yea s r of r late , the whole House Commons fai ly gasped when , on e fine afternoon , Tim appeared in a new silk hat . so his r He had been joked about shabby hat that , afte ’ r dis a decade s constant wea , he reluctantly decided to in card the gift with many a pang , as he said , at part g old with an friend . It has been said that it is in the law courts that the r n ave age Irishman is seen at his best . Certai ly the hum our which h a s scintillated at times through the I rish a n d r courts seems justification for the assertion , pe haps there a re no more amusin g examples of Irish legal r humour than those connected with the wo d alibi . There is a story told of a certain Mike Murphy who wa s arrested in a town in C a l ifornia for brutally assa ult His him ing a Chinaman . lawyer advised that he had no defence . ” o But , said Mike , in New York the byes had s me h thing they used whin in trouble . I think t ey called it ’ a ll b e thr t ? an y y . Can t you y tha HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR 1 97

the ca n I hardly care to try case , but you try it yourself Have you a friend you can call to prove the alibi s Yes Tim Ma gmn i . r n a Well , afte the Chi am n has presented his case , t o you call Maginnis , and be sure ask him wa s Mr . Maginnis , where I when the Chinaman was struck in front of the hotel a n d At the hearing , the Chinaman his witnesses having a testified to the assault , Mike put Maginnis on the st nd , and proceeded to examine him What ’ s your name

Tim Maginnis , sor . What ’ s your occupation - Hod 5 0 1 . carrier, ou of Mr . Maginnis , do y understand the nature an oath

50 1 . Yes , I tink I do sor la ze e Well , , will ye p tell the magistrate wher I was when I struck the Chin yma n in front of the hotel ’ on the Mike s alibi went up in the air , and a paltry fine record . a r who for An Irish b rister , was evidently prepared s every po sible contingency , is alleged to have addressed di l the presi ng Judge as fo lows Your honour , I shall first absolutely prove to the jury that the prisoner could not have committed the crime with which he is charged .

If that does not convince the jury, I shall Show that he wa s a n . ins e when he committed it If that fails , I shall prove an alibi t o Here are w more stories regarding the word alibi . Duri ng a recent tria l the Judge interposed in the course of the examination and asked the witness if he knew Y e s what was meant by an alibi . , to be sure I do , yer r honour , promptly answe ed the witness . Tell me r then , said the Judge , what you unde stand by it ” ’ ’ it s — Sure , said Pat , just like this it s to be afther proving that ye wasn ’ t where ye was when ye committed

a ll . a crime that , sure , ye never committed at 1 98 HUMOURISTS OF THE IRISH BAR

Prisoner was trying to explain to a Judge and jury his ’ f I t s me lf a i o . not se innocence a certain crime , he s d , ’ ’ a s ll desa ve n be afther trying to yer honours . I did t intlema n wa s hit the poor dead g at all , at all . It him sthruck exa rtion il that the blow, and the k led him , and , ’ ’ ” ” what s more , I wasn t there at the time . I perceive ,

ou l . observed the Judge , y are trying to prove an a ibi a l - - An loi boi exclaimed the prisoner, evidently pleased at the big word being suggested to strengthen his defence . Yes , said the Judge . Can you tell me ? ” what is a good alibi Faith , yer honour , replied ’ the prisoner , and it s a loi boi which the prisoner gets

off.

’ The Irishman s humour is very pointed at times . Here is a specimen . ’ ou Judge Pat , I wouldn t think y would hit a little ” man like that .

Pat Suppose he called you an Irish slob . ’ Judge But I m not an Irishman . Pat Suppose he called you a Dutch slob ’ Judge But I m not a Dutchman . : l ou i of Pat Well , suppose he ca led y the k nd slob that you are Baron Dowse dearly loved to tell the following story h against himself . A case once came before him in whic wa s the prisoner could only Speak Gaelic . An interpreter r a i acco dingly sworn . The prisoner s d something to the interpreter . s What does he a y demanded his lordship . ”

r wa s . Nothing my lo d , the reply How dare you s a y that when we a ll heard him ! sir Come , , what was it a e n My lord , s id the interpreter, b ginni g to tremble , i it had noth ng to do with the case . ’ ’ ou Sir ! o If you don t answer , I ll commit y , r ared the Baron . Now , what did he say ’ ’

Well , my lord , you ll excuse me , but he said Who s the old woman with the red bed-curtain roun d her sitting up there

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’

. e replied , I would like to be Mrs Choate s s cond hus —a band , reply frequently cited as the most charming ul compliment any wife co d possibly receive .

Mr . Choate , however, is always happy in his references on t o the opposite sex . At a dinner one occa sion he noticed that the ladies had been excluded from par tici a tion p in the banquet , but had been permitted to l a . Now sit in the g lery and watch the feeding , I -di know , said Mr . Choate , during his after nner speech , is r what the Scripture phrase means when it w itten , ’ Thou madest man a little lower than the angels . He is also responsible for a good story of how a girl throws . Two young girls were drinking tea at a fashionable

n . restaurant , when a you g man passed As he passed , on the first girl blushed , displayed a beautiful ring her e whit hand , and murmured

Well Jack and I are to be married Easter week .

But , said the other girl , I thought you had thrown Jack over so — n Oh , I did , the first replied , but but you k ow how a girl throws ’ Ma ny people consider that one of Choate s best stories di m is that which he told at the nner in London , some ti e c ago , which admitted him to the Society of the Old Ben hers o of the Inner Temple . It was the story of an imp verished u son of who yo ng Irish gentleman , the younger a lord , , ’ his r driven forth by poverty from fathe s estate , went u to London to seek his fortune . He seemed to be b ried wa s in London , for nothing heard of him for several years .

He had been a gay, convivial blade , and in the little ’ home village he was missed . There wasn t a poacher or ’ a roysterer within ten miles that hadn t a soft Spot for on e Denis in his heart . Word day passed about that up at the castle news had be en received of Denis . The village at once became excited , and a deputation of a l half-dozen or so was soon on its way to see the O d lord . HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR 2 05

” ’ is e My lard , said the spokesman , it tru ye ve gotten ’

0 son . news yer , Mr Denis

e . Aye , tru enough News at last , boys , said his lordship . ’ ’ hwa t Faith , then , an p might the bhoy he doin up in London wa s the next question . ” He has been called to the Bar , the lord answered proudly . on e for The deputation looked at another , the phrase t one wa s o . new them Finally , in a loud whisper , said ’ Oi don t know what thot manes but , from what Oi ’ ’ of remember the bhoy , he didn t want no callin to the r ba s round here . r t o se on A f iend once called e Mr . Choate a broiling wa s summer day , and surprised to find the great man f r working in an O fice in which the e wa s a big fire burning . un Mr . Choate noticed that his visitor appeared to be

t oo . comfortable , and asked him if he found it warm ’ ? wh it s Warm replied the other, y, as hot as an ” ’

? . oven . Indeed said Mr Choate , I m sorry you for find it so but then it ought to be as hot as an oven , ou y see , I make my bread here . wit ca n n o While a noted , however, Mr . Choate be in little measure sarcastic . The story goes that some time ago he wa s much interested in a young gentleman who he wished to go in for the law but the young fellow had for r an idea that nature intended him an a tist , and asked Mr of . Choate to see some his paintings . In the course of r 0 for their conversation he rema ked N law me , thank you . I am wedded to my art . Um , said the great lawyer , quietly glancing—at the pictures , you need not let that discourage you you have ample grounds for a di vorce . ’ r e s Pe haps Choate s favourit tory , however , judging by of r the number times he has related it at legal gathe ings , is the on e which illustrates the ! iew held by some a dvo cates concerning the knowledge of the law possessed by judges . Mr . Jones , Mr . Jones , said the wearied P of t ou resident the United S ates Supreme Court , y 2 06 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

s thin must give this Court credit for knowing ome g . ’ That s all very well , replied the advocate (who came ’ from a Western State) , but that s exactly the mistake I made in the Court below And he is also rather fond of telling this story as a i little lesson for those with a lean ng towards litigation . ’ I t s this way, explained the client . The fence runs ’ I between Brown s place and mine . He claims that on encroach his land , and I insist that he is trespassing

on . ou mine Now , what would y do if you were in my place ’ : a n d Lawyer If I were in your place , I d go over r r a n d give Brown a ciga , have a d ink with him , settle the

. n v controversy in ten minutes But , as thi gs are , I ad ise n o you to sue him by all means . Let arrogant , domineer r on s r ing , insolent pirate like B own trample your ac ed ! d rights Assert your manhood a n courage . I need the money ’ ? Another of Choate s stories relates to a Texas judge before whom a prisoner was brought charged with horse stealing . The judge promptly sentenced the prisoner to hi s be hanged , but lawyer interrupted . ’ a in You c n t hang this prisoner accord g to law, your ” Honour, he said . ’ ’ Guess you re right , said the j udge . Well , I ll ’ discharge him and I guess it s up to the boys to hang l him according to the regu ar custom . of When Andrew Jackson , the seventh President the

wa s . United States , a young man he practised at the Bar It was his habit to carry in his saddle bags when he ’ ” of attended Court a copy Bacon s Abridgment , and a l to make frequent appe s to it in his cases . The precious r book was always done up in coa se brown paper , and the unwrapping of the volume wa s a very solemn function as

performed by Jackson . on one During a certain trial occasion , however, a fellow-lawyer procured a piece of bacon the size of his n book , and while Jackson was addressi g the Court , he out w slipped the bacon from its rapping , and substituted

2 0 8 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

sir Be civil , And now tell me in what latitude and ” ou longitude y crossed the equator . ’ n Oh , you re joki g sir No , , I am in earnest , and I desire an answer . r Which is mo e than I can give . ! Y ou a re i of Indeed the ch ef mate a clipper ship , and unable t o answer so simple a question — Yes the simplest question I ever had asked me . I thought every fool of a lawyer knew there is no latitude ” at the equator .

That shot silenced the great lawyer . is It , however , scarcely correct , perhaps , to describe ”

. of Mr Joseph Choate as the wittiest son the States , for he must share the honour with Mr . Chauncey Mitchell who for r r Depew , practised at the Bar seve al yea s in the ’ sixties before he deserted the law for political and com mercia l His n e labours . favourite story is o against himself . I have received , he says , many com limen t s on - p my skill at after dinner speaking , but the i - na vest compliment of all came from an up State farmer . ’ ou Senator , said he , y might have typhoid and recover, ou y might have pneumonia and recover , and you might have yellow fever and recover but if you ever get lockj a w ’ ’ you d burst . of America is proud Depew , and has every reason to i men be so . He s not only one of the shrewdest business r l in the States , but a cleve lawyer , a skilfu politician , who and an orator has few equals . Furthermore , he is a born humourist . - is After dinner speaking , he said recently , not a rt is an it a gift . A man once came to me and said h see ow ou is . I y make your speeches . It quite easy - u I noticed you to night . First yo played with your cigar , but did not light it ; that caught the attention

of . r the listeners Then you th ew the cigar down , while making a gesture ; that fixed their attention . Lastly , ou u y put your th mb in your waistcoat pocket , and everybody leaned forward a n d thought you were going ’ ‘ to bring out notes ; that held their attention . All HUMOURI STS OF THE AMERICAN BAR 2 09

’ You right , I said . get your cigar and look after your ’

l e . thumb , and you wi l be a great speak r ’ One of Depew s best stories is the story of the spotted - dog , which , as a boy , he bought from a local dog dealer .

The next day it was raining , he says , and I took out the dog into the woods , but the rain was too much Off for him . It washed the Spots . I trotted the dog ’

t . . back o the dealer Look at this animal , I said The ’

ff . o . spots have all washed Great guns , boy he replied “ ’ do d There was an umbrella went with that g . Di n t you get the umbrella Depew says his father was a frugal and saving man “ f m o . who never approved wasting anything , including ti e

One night he went to a prayer meeting . The brethren were backward . After a long wait my father rose and said

It is a shame to waste all this valuable time . Will not some brother tell his experiences NO one e e ros , and my father continued Will som one lead us in prayer wa s i There no response to th s appeal , and my father said In that case I will improve the time by making f ’ a few observations on the tari f . u It was Depew who , during a former visit to this co ntry , spoke thus to young men If you are married—you will have just as much time as if you were Single if you h w kn ow o to find it . I have known men t o pick up a liberal education while waiting for their wives to get out ready to go . Another popular story which Depew tells is that con cerning a man out West who ordered a patent chicken

. one on the coop The railroad was a small , and the day coop was expected to arrive he set out with a dray to f fetch it from the freight o fice . He reached the railroad e one station , which he had never se n before no was in ’ sight , but there was the chicken coop , and with a man s on set off help he soon had it the dray and home again . so a un A hundred yards or he met man in blue iform . a i ex e the Hey, there s d the chap cit dly, what O 2 1 0 HUMOURI STS OF THE AMERICAN BAR dickens have you got on that dr ay My new chicken ” coop , was the reply . Chicken coop be hanged ’ That s Mudby Junction Perhaps one of the best stories of the American Ba r is wh o wa s of . that told Chester I Reed , appointed a judge 6 of r 1 8 . the Superior Cou t in 7 Sometimes , when he grew r r impatient , Reed spoke with g eat f ankness , as the

r . wa s on e of following sto y shows When he at the Bar, wa s t o so the judges about leave the Bench , the Bar - bought a handsome gold headed cane , and deputed

Judge Reed to make the speech and presentation . The

judge headed the procession , holding the cane tucked : away under his coat behind with one hand . He said on —er—er— of May it please your Honour , the eve —er—er —er—er your departure , we all having the utmost of —er feelings kindness for you , it has fallen to my lot — (then hauling out the cane) here , take your darned Old ” cane . Two more good stories of the American Bar concern one Judge Colby , at time prosecuting attorney in Bristol A a nd - U S . County , a well known advocate , Mr Timothy wa s i of for Coffin . A man compla ned being a common

fi . drunkard . Mr . Timothy Cof n defended The evidence f C fli n a s O . o w that he drank Six glasses liquor a day Mr .

said he thought that the prisoner ought to be discharged , for if drinking six glasses a day makes a man a common

drunkard , may the Lord have mercy on brother Colby ” and myself . On another occasion Coffin wa s very a n xious to obtai n

a delay in a case which came up one morning , and , after r a seve al ineffectu l appeals to the opposite counsel , made fi wa s i an af davit as to the severe exhaustion he in , hav ng for many days and nights been in constant attendance who wa s on . his mother , very ill After he had read the f who a fidavit , his mother , happened to be attending who wa s l r Court without his knowledge , and in the gal e y , so ‘ exclaimed , that all heard her Timothy, how Often have I flogged thee for lying who his u The late Judge Gary , of Baltimore , in yo nger

2 1 2 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR di but had been frequently postponed . Accor ngly, by a i the time Mrs . Casey had p d her fifth call she wa s a n of in extremely perturbed state mind , and therefore ’ the tones of Nolan 5 rich brogue were more than usually fervid as he fought against the sixth adj ournment ’ ’ ‘ ‘ r Du ro I am ext emely sorry , said Judge g , but your wn opponent has sho me good cause for the adj ournment . ” - The case will therefore go over until to morrow .

Very well , your Honour , said Nolan , suavely ; but might I ask wa n personal favour of this Coort

Certainly , Mr . Nolan . Will your honour kindly sthep down to my office d ed and just tell Mrs . Casey that you have a j oorn the case of It was Judge Lord , an American legal celebrity who Massachusetts , , when a lawyer in a particular case said that the plaintiff ought n ot t o have certain fees because he put in a certain number of questions that : were useless , replied I am afraid that few lawyers would get their fees if they were prohibited from puttin g useless questions . one : Mr . met him day , and said I see , u Judge Lord , that the Supreme Court has overr led you i n the case of but you need feel no ” No l concern about your reputation . , he rep ied , ’ ’ I don t ; I m only concerned about the reputation f o the Supreme Court . Counsel wa s once very persistently following up a

- long and tiresome cross examination , when the judge

r of wa s . interfe ed , and said much it immaterial The

wa s . counsel replied that it his right Oh , yes , said n Judge Lord , it is your right , but if everyone i sisted on having his rights what a n unhappy world this woul d

be . of i The moral the following story , wh ch is rather a r r a favou ite in Ame ic n legal circles , may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the still small voice t before it is driven o the use of the telephone . n out of his A New York lawyer, gazi g idly window, HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR 2 1 3 sa w a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again . Yes , there was no doubt u about it . The pretty stenographer was sitting pon ’ the gentleman s lap . The lawyer noticed the name that on was lettered the window , and then searched in the telephone book . Still keeping his eye upon the scene

r . across the st eet , he called the g entleman up In a few moments h e sa w him start violently and take down the receiver .

Yes , said the lawyer through the telephone , I should think you would start . The victim whisked his arm from its former position t a nd began to stammer some hing . ’ r Yes , said the lawyer seve ely , I think you d

. ou a re better take that arm away And . while y about of it , as long as there seems to be plenty chairs in the room

The victim brushed the lady from his lap , rather roughly W ho — is it is to be feared . who the devil this , any how he managed to splutter . w I , answered the la yer in deep , impressive tones , am your conscience ! - on This , too , is an equally popular after dinner yarn the other side . The lawyer eyed the woman in the witness box in patent despair . Then he rallied visibly . You sa y, madam , he began , that the defendant of ou is a sort of relation yours . Will y please explain what you mean by that—j ust how you are related to the defendant ’ l it s Wel , like this , replied the witness , beaming ’ upon the Court . His first wife s cousin and my second ’ ’ cousin s first wife s aunt , married brothers named Jones , ’ and they were cousins to my mother s aunt . Then , ’ on again , his grandfather his mother s side and my ’ r grandfather on my mothe s side were second cousins . And his stepmother married my husband ’ s stepfather his after father and my mother died, and his brother Joe and my husband’ s brother Harry married twin ’ te s I t out sis r . a in ever figured just how closely related 2 1 4 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

’ on a s we are , but I ve always looked him a sort of ” cousin .

Quite right , said the lawyer feebly . di District Attorney Jerome , at a nner in New York ,

a short time ago , told a story about honesty . There who was a man , he said , applied for a position in a ’

dr . n y goods house His appearance wasn t prepossessi g ,

a n d references were demanded . After some hesitation ’ of r firm s he gave the name a d iver in the employ . This him r driver , he thought , would vouch for . A cle k out sought the driver , and asked him if the applicant ’

? dr . W h hi s was honest . Honest the iver said y, ’ honesty s been proved again and again . To my certain ’ knowledge he s been arrested nine times for stealing ’ and every time he was acquitted . A member of the Chicago Bar also told this story at ’ a lawyers dinner in Indiana : ’ A farmer s son in Illinois conceived a desire to shine

as a legal light . Accordingly he went to Springfield , where he accepted employment at a small sum from ’ - of a fairly well known lawyer . At the end three days

study he returned t o the farm . ’

l how . Well , Bil , d ye like the law asked the father It ain ’ t what it ’ s cracked up to be responded Bill ’ gloomily . I m sorry I learned it . Another favourite story concerns a witty American who counsel , opposing another named Gale , took amusing ’ d of a vantage the latter s cognomen . I always like , r he said after Gale had add essed the j ury , however t o tired I may be , hear my brother Gale , as he has r such a big , strong , hea ty breeze voice but I remember ’ r on h many yea s ago , when I stood as a boy my fat er s n u farm , I heard a great strong gale blowi g thro gh the of n twelve sturdy oaks . It made a good deal noise amo g the branches , but the gale soon subsided , the oaks stood"

wa s hi . up as strong as before , and there not ng of it left Very smart wa s the reply of an ixn pe cunious young a lawyer, who received the following letter from a t ilor to whom he wa s indebted :

2 1 6 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

h the c a s But at t is point the judge , very red in fa e , h tily ’ e t e f d cided h case in the plainti f s favour . ” r hi I had a case , says an Ame ican lawyer , in w ch f r a c wa s a man was arrested o ste ling a ow. He held on n he over for the grand jury prelimi ary hearing , and i sent for me . His letter ran someth ng like this :

—I a l ma n DERE SIR , am in J e , and the sayes I am di d likely to go to the pen . I not steel the cowe , and l nn rc t erfuct i e en t . ou I am p y Please gete me , if it f o . are the last act yure life This is not a nice place . t ou . ca n Please do get me I think I pay you some day .

n t . I did o steel the cowe Tell the judge that . And if ou off l c a n for y get me I am wi ling to do a—ll I you . If ou . y do I will give you the cowe Yours truly , ’ L H BI L SMIT .

of i do A negro was brought up on charge shoot ng a g , and the following dialogue took place : Magistrate : Did you shoot that dog with malice aforethought ’

: No ! n o . Nigger , sah Did nt have mallets Shot ” him with a gun .

° Magistrate You do n ot understand . I will put - it in another way . Did you shoot him in self defence : sa h Nigger No , ; I shot him in de tail when he j umped de fence . of There is no end , however , to stories nigger trials , f ul all more or less o doubtf authenticity . a r Uncle Eph wa s before the Court on the same old ch ge .

After the evidence , the judge , with a perplexed look , : a said But I c nnot comprehend , Ephraim , how it wa s possible for you to steal those chickens when they ’ e n wer roosti g right under the owner s window, and there in were two vicious dogs the yard . ’ do ou of It wouldn t y a bit good , judge , for me ’ ’ ” ’ 1 how cot ched a i ou ld to sp ain I em , s d Eph , y cou n t ou er do it if y tried forty times , and y might get a hide full of buckshot de berry lust time yer put yer leg over HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR 2 1 7

’ ba s fer oer e er de e e . f nc De way y to do , judg , is fer y to buy yer chickens in de market .

or . Here are two three other chicken stories A negro , who wa s of suspected stealing chickens , was arraigned f old before the minister and elders o his chapel . The negro who wa s cal led as a witness wa s asked by the pas t or if he thought that brother Sambo , the a ccused , was the sort of man who would be likely to steal chickens . t u n ot Well , pastor, replied the wi ness , I sho ld exactly like to say that , but if I were a chicken , and ” brother Sambo were around , I should roost high . ’ The coloured boy was up in the Children s Court for h the fifth time on charges of c icken stealing . This ’ time the magistrate decided to appeal to the boy s father . ld see o . Now here , Abe , said he to the darky This boy of yours has been up in court so many times for ’ stealing chickens that I m sick of seeing him here ’ h r don sa . Ah blame you , , retu ned the father ’ ’ ’ seein im ! Ah s sick ob hyah , too ’ Then why don t you teach him how to a ct Show ’ wa ! him the right y, and he won t be coming here ’ ” ha s im sa h e Ah showed de right way, , declar d ’ m ha s sutt enl im the old a n earnestly . Ah y Showed de ’ ’ wa s right y , but he somehow keep gittin caught comin ’ way wid dose chickens ! His You Honour are charged with chicken stealing . Have you any witnesses ? ’ a n l Prisoner I have not . I c t stea chickens before witnesses . Do you know of any mitigating circumstances in ? e ohnsin your case said a Texas justic to Sam J g , accused of stealing . dis e Lemme off tim . Is it your first offence ”

e e sa h . Fust off nc , How ou a to ch e s so e e did y m nage get the ick n cl v rly, without disturbing the dog in the yard ? Sa m Dat comes from practice , your worship , said , who e t fla tter b the m s o th u f l ed y re a rk f e Co rt . 2 1 8 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR d You admit you stole the melons said the ju ge . ’ ” Oh , yes , suh , I stoled um . And yet you ask for mercy ? ’ suh fo ha Yes , , kaze de white man kotched me I d a chance ter eat um t o r n of Referring neg oes , the followi g story George

Clarke , a celebrated negro minstrel , is an example of the pitfalls to which the too clever lawyer exposes him a self . On one occasion , when being examined as witness , wa s Clarke severely interrogated by a lawyer . i ? You are a minstrel in the business , I bel eve inquired the lawyer . sir wa s Yes , , the reply . I s not that rather a low calling ? ’ n sir i n I don t k ow but what it is , , repl ed the mi strel ’ but it is so much better tha n my father s that I am f rather proud o it .

The lawyer fell into the trap . ’ l What was your father s cal ing he inquired .

He was a lawyer , replied Clarke , in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of laughter a s the dis s comfit ed lawyer a t down . Stories of horse- stealing cases are a l most a s numerous as those concerning stolen chickens . A West Virginia judge arraigned a man for stealing - a horse , denounced him as a persistent law breaker , and then sentenced him to ten years ’ hard labour in the

State prison . ou sa ? Have y anything to y he asked , when he s wa through . ” NO a i one , s d the sentenced ; except that it strikes me you are pretty darned liberal with other ’ people s time . Here is a story of a white man in America who wa s arraigned before a coloured Justice of Peace for killing a i his r man and steal ng mule . The comparative eno mity of such crimes varied with the soil upon which they were wa s d 1 n n s committed . In this case the deed one Arka sa , e near the T xas border .

2 20 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

Tell us about the fight , said the judge . ” I never seed no fight . see Well , then , tell us what you did . a n d Cy Sewell he gives a Christmas dance , me and lot a of others wuz thar . The boys and girls got to ’ ’ dancin , and as the boys went dancin round and round ’ ’ sla in they got pp each other , an finally one boy he ’ ’ slapped another boy harder than he lowed to an knocked ’ him down . An the boy that got kn ocked down he ’ jumped up an jerked out a big knife and wacked the d fellow that knocked him down right across the mid le , ’ t from side to side . An then the bro her Of the fellow what got the out he pulled a British bulldog a n d he leg ’ go six 44 s right sq ua r at the fellow that had the knife ’ — i of and just then Bill Smiley Bill s a cous n Jake Haynes , — ’ ’ ’ what gat shot came runmin ou t n old Man Sewell s ’ room with a double-barrel shotgun an let Off both ba rrels ’ ’ old a n in the crowd , an Sewell he got excited j erked a ’ ’ Winchester rifle out n from under the bed an went to pumpin ’ lead into the gang an ’ by that time the house ’ ’ ’ ’ ’ of fla shin hollerin was full smoke an an , an I seed thar ’ was going to be a fight , an I left the house . Judge Blackman was very particular in requiring f a i attorneys to observe the rules o practice . In a cert n

on of . . cause lawyer T . had sued a writ capias Lawyer L wa s r his moved to quash the writ , and p oceeding with argument when the Court interrupted him sir What are you reading from ,

of u . From a work logic , your hono r u t Did yo give Brother T . notice hat you were going to read from a work of logic

Of course not , your honour . sir of u u Are you aware , , the r le of Court which req ires notice to be given of matter which would be liable to sur prise the attorney on the other side

Yes , your honour ; but the rule has no application

to a matter of this kind . ’ ’ sir of n I don t know , I don t know . I know nothi g s s er i tha t would urpri e Broth T . more than logic. and f HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR 2 2 1

’ you haven t given him notice that you a re going t o read ’ u t from a work of that kind I can t permit yo o read it . hi s u a n d Lawyer L . proceeded with arg ment , presently he wa s again interrupted by the Court . now sir ? What are you reading from , ’ ’ Green s grammar , your honour . u Did you give Brother T . notice that yo were going ’ t o read from Green s Grammar ” Of course not , your honour . sir of Well , , I know nothing in this world , aside from logic , that would surprise Brother T . more than grammar , ’ and if you haven t given him notice that you are going ’ ’ to read from Green s Grammar I can t permit you to ” read it , and I shall deny your motion with costs . The rigid observance of old English rules in the South f o . Carolina Courts , and a neglect the same by Mr James Peti ru L . g , gave rise to the following passage Peti ru ou e on a Mr . g , said the judge, y hav light ’

You . coat . can t speak s May it please the Bench , I conform trictly to the law . Let me illustrate The law says that the barrister n shall wear a black gow and coat , and your honour thinks that means a black coat

Yes , said the judge . f a Well , the law also says the sheri f shall wear cocked hat and sword . Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked a s well a s the hat ? a s He w permitted to go on . of The assurance and eloquence the American lawyer , i s however , is proverbial , although the latter at times a W h for . one trifle mixed ere , instance , will find a more d amazing peroration than the following , which , accor ing ’ of to that entertaining book Marshal Brown s , Bulls ” and Blunders , was delivered by a backwoods attorney of in the last meshes tangled eloquence . ou sit Gentlemen of the jury, y in the box as the of great reservoir Roman liberty, Spartan fame , and Y ou Grecian polytheism . are t o swing the great flail of justice and electricity over this immense community in 2 2 2 HUMOURISTS OF THE AMERICAN BAR

l su fl hydrau ic majesty and in conjugal per uity . You are to ascend the deep arcana of nature and dispose of my client with equiponderating con ca tin a tion and rever berating momentum . is r Such , gentlemen , you sedative and stimulating character my client is only a man with domestic ec c en t ricit ies r r and mat imonial configuration , not pe mitted , a s a re r you , gentlemen , to bask in the p imeval and lowest vales of society ; he has to endure the red- hot sun of r i i the unive se , seated on the he ghts of nobil ty and feudal eminence ! He has a wife of matrimonial propensities that henpecks the remainder of his days with soothin g ha s of and bewitching verbosity . He a family domestic children that gather around the fireside of his peaceful domicile in tumultuous consanguinity and cry with r for r screaming and reve berating momentum b ead ,

butter and molasses . Such , gentlemen , is the flowing defea ra nce of l and overwhelming character and my c ient , who stands here indicted by this persecuting pettifogger who is Of this court , as much inferior to me as I am f o . exterior to the judge , and you , gentlemen the jury This borax of the law has brought witnesses into this firkin court , who swore my client stole a of butter ; but sa r on e of I y they swore to a lie , eve y them , and the truth

is concentrated within them , and I will prove it by a

learned expectoration of the principles of the law . is of n Now , butter made grass , and it is laid dow in his r of St . Peter Pindar , in p inciples subterraneous law , 1 8 2 is pages to 7 , inclusive , the grass couchant and levant , our obicula r of which means , in tongue , that grass is a r i mild and f ee nature , and therefore you see that my cl ent is had a right to grass and butter both . Again , butter of is made grease , and Greece a foreign country Situated in the far- off and ema n cia t ed country of Liberia and of California , and therefore my client is out the benediction

of this Court and cannot be tried in this horizon . I will now bring forward the nltima ntum respondenti and cap the great climax of logic by quoting an incon a bl of ceiv e maxim law laid down in Latin in Hannibal ,

2 28 HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

the is t o lock , and there the p and bottom bolts . Now , ou gentlemen , do y think I should take all that unnecessary trouble at the front door when I could do it s o easily at the back ?

I tell you what it is , gentlemen . I am too well known ’ it s -u f on to the police , and a got p a fair their part . My on picture is the papers , my photograph is at every police ’ - station , and I am an ex convict . That is why I m here . ’ ’ I t s nothing new . I ve had twelve months for doing r six nothing befo e , and I also had months for the same ’ o thing . That s because my face is s well known to the wa s s police . When I before the magistrate he a ked me ’ if I had ever been helped by the Prisoners Aid Society. ‘ ’ ’

NO . so a s , I answered I don t want any long I ca n ’ ’ own make my burglar s tools . But a hard-hearted warder proved that the prisoner of for had been in and out prison fourteen years , and the unsympathetic judge gave him another two years . a n Another burglar , discovered by a policem in the of r residence a spinster lady , created conside able hilarity in Court by his persistence in the defence that he wa s really r despe ately in love with the lady , and they had arranged to be married , only his visits had to be kept secret , as their r families objected most absu dly to the union . He per sisted in this explanation most solemnly, apparently quite ’ i ro ignoring the fact that , without the lady s ind gnant p wa s testations that there not a word of truth in it , his looks were so hideous that it was impossible to believe that anyone could have regarded him a s a prospective husband . one of What would any you have done , gentlemen ,

r . of demanded anothe prisoner, accused burglary, if you had been in my place t He had , he explained , been walking down a re ired r r r one st eet in a London subu b ve y late night , when he f suddenly smelt an alarmin g escape o gas . His nose led a m him to a certain house . The gas was cert inly co ing t through the fron door keyhole . e m to a n t e re t I rais d y hand knock , d h n flec ed , he HUMOURS OF THE DOCK 2 29

explained . It was a bitterly cold night , and the people inside were no doubt warm in bed , and probably snatching ’ their needed rest for the next day s labours . I hesitated to arouse them So he slipped back the catch of a window with a knife — a and entered to see t o the g s . In the kitchen he found on an apple tart the table , which he ate , with such alarm ing results that he wa s obliged to look for brandy . He found a bottle of whisky instead , and that was how he was discovered asleep in an armchair in the morning by r so the se vants . The tart was bad , he declared , that it had deprived him of all power of explanation till that moment in the dock . That was why he had not put matters right before the magistrate . He ate no more tarts for seven years . on e And can almost sympathise with the burglar who , when asked the usual question by the judge , Have you anything to sa y before sentence is pronounced against ’ you replied disgustedly The only thing I m obj ect ’ ’ ing to is bein identified by a man wot kep his head under ’ the bedclothes the whole time . That ain t English justice . It was a poser which an aged man charged with stealing a pig put to the Judge who tried him . In the usual preliminary words the Judge said It is a shame that a man of your age should be giving his mind up to stealing . Do you know any reason why sentence should not be pronounced on you according t o the la w wa s of Now, my lord , the reply the aged sinner ,

this is getting to be a trifle monotonous . I would like n to k ow how a fellow can manage to please you Judges . wa s old r When I only seventeen years I got three yea s , and the Judge said I ought to be ashamed of myself for

a . ot r ste ling at that age When I was forty I g five yea s , and that Judge said it wa s a shame that a ma n i n his very best years Should steal . And now, when I am of seventy years age , here you come and tell me the same

. r of Old story Now, I would like to know what yea a ’ one r man s life is the right , acco ding to your notion 2 39 HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

Somewhat sprightlier humour wa s evinced by a man of - convicted horse stealin g . Said the Judge t o him very sternly : Yours is a very serious offence ; fifty years ago it was a hanging matter . ” so l cer Exactly , coolly rej oined the fe low , with a tain logical reasonableness ; and fifty years hence it ’ mayn t be a crime at all . Why not defer sentence for a see i while , and how th ngs work out of b This is equal to the story a man who , having een wa s a s capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, , usual , asked what he had to sa y why judgment of death shoul d not

. ! pass against him Say replied he ; why , I think the j oke has been carried far enough already, and the a so a less that is s id about it , the better , if you ple se , my ’ lord , we ll drop the subj ect .

The comicality of a defence , however has Often proved f more e fective than any eloquence . I have served ’ ’ of terms of seven years and three years penal servitude , declared a prisoner at Liverpool assizes some time back ,

and do you , my lord , and you , gentlemen , think that with such a record I should condescend t o steal a shirt —a of question , demanded in tones the most deeply a n d un injured dignity , which sent the j ury judge into controllable laughter . it on And look at , gentlemen , he went , pointing a d c scornful finger at the garment , which had been pro u ed in evidence look at it , gentlemen . Usher, kindly hold Ca n u a l hi . o it up y credit that , if I did stoop to ste a s rt , I should steal such a shirt as that ? Circumstances were unfortunately too strong for the exceedingly par

t icula r on e . gentleman , but the sentence was a light The prisoner who indigna n tly repudi ates the offence with which he is charged a s being a monstrous reflection on his i good breeding a n d culture is often most amus ng . A

of n Northa m ~ tramp , accused attempti g to break into a p t on -office booking , brought down the Court by his expostulation Would a man of my education a n d knowledge of the world have tried to commit the Offen ce in the way de

2 32 HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

? Not for ou could he have placed it in his pockets , y know they were likely to be first examined Not in his for shoes , these , too , would for a certainty be examined ! sa of Where , then , I y, gentlemen the jury , could this lad have stowed away the money Where wa s there a place he could have found to hide it away At this point the counsel paused rather longer than r r his s wa s usual , and the p isoner fea ing that coun el actu for wa s ally waiting assistance , and at a loss , exclaimed ” sir r I put it in here , , showing a sec et inside pocket . Another sally from the dock is characteristically - Scottish . It was in a Mid Lanarkshire town that a local tradesman had come before on e of the magistrates on the charge of cutting down a tree situated in the back garden of the house which he tenanted without having of dl wh obtained the consent the lan ord . The Bailie o on - was the Bench chanced to be a pompous , self opinion wa s ated Old gentleman , whose legal knowledge almost Of r nil , yet who was so fond hea ing himself speak that he could not resist the opportunity of lecturing the unl ucky persons who were brought before him . What wey did c ut ye doon the tree the magistrate inquired sharply , addres sing the accused . ’ ’ The tree wa s quite deid and rotten ever sin I cam to ’ 0 a irden the hoose , and , as it spiled the look the g , I cut s wa s o . r it doon Be ides , I didna ken it ony harm , I ” would hae let it alane . “ ’ ’ That ll no dae , my man , said the Bailie severely . s a wa s r Ye y ye didna ken that it wrang , but igno ance ” of the law is nae excuse for any man . ” Weel , Bailie , replied the culprit gravely , but with “ ’ of sl his the ghost a y humorous twinkle in eye , if that s ’ ’ ” it s on 0 us the case , gey hard the baith . As an example of Scottish cuteness the following a s deserves pride of place . A cobbler , described a notorious “ who his a offender, had passed life in a cert in Auld r r wa s r Licht village un egene ated , convicted befo e a r who of Forfar magist ate , sentenced him to pay a fine ’ - - - or . half a crown . suffer twenty four hours imprisonment HUMOURS OF THE DOCK 233

If he chose the alternative it implied his being taken to

the gaol at Perth . “ I ’ The cobbler communed with himself . ll g o to

Perth he said I have business in the town , at any

rate . ffi An o cial conveyed him to Perth by train , but when

he reached the gaol he said he would pay the fine . The t o Governor found that he would have take it . ” And now , said the cobbler , I want my fare home . r The Governor demurred , made inqui ies , and discovered that there was no alternative the prisoner must be sent back at the public expense to the place he was brought

from . So our canny cobbler got the two Shillings and eight c pence halfpenny , which represented his fare , transa ted

his business , and went home triumphant , twopence half r of f penny and his railway j ou ney the better his O fence . r f his - five When the late M . Ra fles completed twenty ’ r of yea s service as Police Magistrate Liverpool , an occa of sion was taken , before commencing the trial a man in

the dock , to felicitate the venerable stipendiary . First a barrister arose and expressed a few words of warm con gratulation on the completion of so long a period of

honourable and distinguished service , a solicitor followed r the ba rister, the chief constable followed the solicitor , r the chief warde followed the chief constable , a reporter r followed the chief wa der , a Court usher succeeded the r r r sc ibe , until eve ybody had exp essed their congratula r tions . The p isoner had been kept waiting all the time

- h of . about t ree quarters an hour When all had finished , ffl he gracefully addressed Mr . Ra es with the solicitous inquiry : Am I expected to s a y a few words of c on gratulation , your worship

The Irish , with their characteristic fund of humour , are often very amusing in their sallies from the dock when they happen to find themselves in that undesirable r r old r a n ho er qua te . An I ishwom w made h appearance for the twenty-third time in answer to a charge of drunken t o t s n ness , endeavoured ingratia e her elf with the presidi g 234 HUMOURS OF THE BOOK

of of functionary by means a bit blarney . The occa ’ of she wa s sion her intoxication , explained , her boy s

. r fin e birthday Just eighteen , you Honour , and a on e strapping boy , with a swate face as it does good to ’

. r look upon He is a fine boy, and , if your Honou wouldn t ’ f bouldness be o fended by my , he s something like your ” t oo on Honour , , with a kind heart writ big his face . No less characteristically Irish wa s the laughable remark by an Irishwoma n before the late stipendiary magistrate in Glasgow . She had been charged with drunkenness , but allowed to go through the clemency of the magistrate and as she wa s leaving the bar she t o ou ou replied him Thank y , yer Honour may y be r long spa ed , and when you die may they take you to where you ’ ll be better appreciated than you ’ ve ever been in Glasgow . In another Irish police- court the magistrate wa s about to pronounce sentence on an Irishman for the theft of a goose . And it is on the oath of thim two witnes ses that yer Honour is going to condemn me ?

Certainly , said the magistrate . ! of two Oh , murther to condemn me on the oaths who sa w r spalpeens swear they me take the bi d , when ’ I c a n bring a hundred who will swear they didn t see me do it

And it was a quaint reply which another Irishman , charged with bigamy with no less than four wives , made r his when the Judge , in passing sentence , exp essed wonder that the prisoner could be such a hardened villa i n a s to wa s delude so many women . I only plaintively ’ ’ o wa n not said the prisoner , to get a go d an sure it s al sy . A favourite story in the Temple concerning the prisoner charged with being drunk and disorderly concerns a n who n s delinque t , whe a ked what he had to say for r oo himself , gazed pensively at the magist ate , sm thed r a n d r down a remnant of g ey hair, said You honour , ’ Man s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands

HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

’ Plaintiff Yes and when I went ter git it e says ‘ ’ ’ If you re not saucy you might git a new un ; but if ’ ’ ’ you re cheeky you ll git yer face bashed in .

The defendant , following an ancient precedent , put the on blame his missus . The Judge Y ou are responsible for what your wife ” does . : ! Defendant Lor , lummy ’ The winkle merchant further explained that he didn t ’ put a n yfink on the barrer except a ba ht two under ” ‘ weight , whereupon it bent up . ’ i Arry, however, is always ready to enjoy h mself , even in Court , and entertain his audience at the same time . One of this class not long ago sued a fellow-coster for u : selling him bad oysters . In his own effective lang age ’ ’ ome : sa i When I got em , my missus says I y, B ll , ’ ’ r them oyste s is a bit whiffy . I looks at em , and , blow ’ foin d ? wa s me , what d yer think I There a few good ’ ’

wa s . on uns on top , and the rest fit to walk I put em ’ O a stall , and a copper come by . He was a pal mine . ’ — ’ ! He smelt em lor, you should a seen his face He ‘ ’ ’ ’ ’ ’ : old un ou says Take em ome , if y don t they ll ’ ’ r er ll crawl there thei selves . If you tries to sell em y ’ get locked up for murder . These succulent bivalves who 3 00 . had changed hands at 5 . per 3 The defendant , r r f did not appea , had gene ously promised the plaintif ’ ” o two bob for a day s booze if he w n the case . Such ’ - r r r are the light hea ted ways of the A ry t ibe .

It is domestic squabbles , however , which provide

- police courts with the most fun . An eccentric and voluble elderly woman sought protection from her r husband at the Marylebone Court . She decla ed that she wa s set afraid of him , as he had threatened to fire

Mr . . to the house . What did you do asked Plowden r Why , I calls for a bobby to reject him out f om doing more violence , and he up with a poker and tongs to r out ul r e rt ec t knock me b ains . I wilf ly ushed at him to p him a s r myself , and I threw down , I might just the e , in t a ll ? hat corner . What , poker and tongs and HUMOURS OF THE DOCK 2 37

I took the tongs from him and locked him in a room , ? ” and left him there . What am I to do with him

Just as you did before . Then with emphasis, ’ ’

use . I ll have to rough violence No , don t harm ’ ’ him . Well , if you don t give it him I ll do it swop me

bob . Saying which the unprotected female stamped

her foot and hurriedly left the Court .

There was also a certain gentleman named Worms , ’ who complained to the magistrate of his wife s conduct .

This Worms was evidently henpecked , for his good lady, r p evious to leaving him owing to his extreme ugliness , r r t o had seve ely illt eated him , and he read the Court a — diary of her deeds a truly heartrending human docu 2 rd : out ment June 3 Knocked two teeth , and ’ of wa s called me an ugly monkey . (Her plan action th hardly likely to improve his looks . ) August s Scratched 2 0 th : my face . August Threw cups and saucers , and off 8th 2 . tore my shirt . August Beat me with a poker th September 7 Poker again . The humble Worms n ot could attain any redress , and was dismissed with the cheering remark that perhaps his wife would return in ” a day or two . One unfeeling paper expressed the hope that she would do if only to enable Worms t o conclude his diary with : September 2 4th Came back and off finished my remaining teeth . r The extrao dinary excuses , by the way, which a wife will make for a brutal husband is illustrated by an of incident which occurred at one the London Courts . A man was brought up on a charge of beating his wife off r and biting a portion of her ear . The woman , howeve , so wa s as Often happens , anxious to screen her husband , and , if possible , Obtain his acquittal . ha s Your husband been treating you very badly, eh asked the magistrate . ” Oh , no , your worship , replied the witness . No Did he n ot bite off a piece of your ear 0 N , your worship , I did it myself

This incident recalls a story told by Mr . Justice Bankes . I t once ns o br ta c r a prisoner wh , charged with u lly 238 HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

wa s assaulting another man , claimed that it he , the r r p isone , who had really been assaulted .

Come , come exclaimed the magistrate , testily ; a n d did you claim this man assaulted you , that you not even attempt to defend yourself from his attack ’ ” so c om That s , chimed in the prisoner, with a

placent air . H ow do you explain the fact , then , thundered the P J . . , that in three places he bears the marks of your teeth ’ E ’ Why, explained the prisoner blandly , urt me ’ ’ ’ so when e was a -pounding of me that I a d to ave some ’ ’ fin on g to bite , or I couldn t a stood it . The philosophy of defendants is amusingly illustrated by a story told by Judge Parry concerning a bookmaker 8 0 r who , having been fined £ by the county magist ates , ’ it s philosophically exclaimed After all , quite natural they should try to get a bit of their own back to-day ; ’ wn but I ll have my o back presently . of The audacity prisoners at times is simply laughable , and it is Ballantine who relates the story of one humorous who rogue , named Joseph Adie , was once brought before r for i Sir Peter Lau ie , a London alderman , rais ng money m r by circulating letters to nu e ous people , professing that he had obtained knowledge which would be mos t bene ficia l to them . By this means he made a good living for a time .

Finding , however , that he had committed no punishable f o fence , Sir Peter was obliged to discharge him ; but in so of doing the worthy alderman said , by way reprimand

Now , Joseph , if anyone wants to know your character , u r refer him to me . Adie , in all his fut re lette s , headed them Referred , by permission , to Sir Peter Laurie . It has sometimes happened that a prisoner who ha s owed his acquittal to the eloquence and ingenuity of his counsel , has completely given the game away , and provided another instance of the miscarriage of British i or justice , by some na ve confession request . The la te Montagu Willia ms used to sa y that the best

2 49 HUMOURS OF THE DOCK

r was returned . Highly delighted , the p isoner left the dock , but as he did so he said , in a whisper that could be sa heard all over the Court , But , I y , what about my gun ? ” Then there wa s the gamekeeper who poun ced upon a poacher in the act , with ferret , rabbit , and net . The ’ man s defence was that he knew nothing about the matter except that he heard a noise and got over the hedge to

see . what it was , when the keeper seized him The Bench gave him the benefit of the doubt . Can I be tried agen for this asked the man . N O was the reply . t e Not niver no more he repea ed , and rec ived the same answer . Then will you be good enough to tell ’ em to hand me ” over ma ferret and ma net . Another poaching story relates to a young constable who had the week previously hauled up before the Bench an Offender charged with snaring a rabbit on a preserved e estate . As the remanded case came on for a second h ar ing , the supposed defunct animal , which seemingly wa s appeared as fresh as ever , duly again in evidence , and the delinquent in the dock exchanged a meaning and significant glance with counsel . And so my client is charged on remand with stealing ” or ensnaring a rabbit , at once began the wary lawyer, one calmly the produced , eh —er — Well no , not the one produced , stammered one Y ou the disconcerted Robert , but exactly like it . see , he went on , when the case was put off last week I ’ ses to myself as that there rabbit won t keep till next ’ ’ r of Bench day , that s ce tain , so I ll have a pie made it , and get a fresh one from the keeper a day or two before ’ ’ of tis the time in place it . It ll be as broad as long ’ for But it wasn t , , after the roar of laughter which greeted this explanatory statement had subsided , the magistrate announced that the prisoner wa s dis ” charged . Ah excellent story of bribery after the event is told HUMOURS OF THE DOCK 2 4 1

- in connection with a well known provincial Judge , who ’ had decided in plaintiff s favour in a n action brought by e new a pork butcher . At that time the Judg had a cook , and he found that every morning he had sausages for r breakfast . At last he suggested to her a little va iety . ” sir ! Lawks , said the cook , I thought you liked

s . ou . ausages I forgot to tell y , sir , that Mr Smith left ” of ! wa s a box them , with his grateful thanks Smith the litigant . Sir Edward Clarke also tells a good story concerning his defence of a young prisoner who had been found in of r illegal possession some silve forks and spoons . Mr .

Clarke , as he was at that time , pleaded so eloquently off that the culprit got with a comparatively light sentence . ’ of When the man s term imprisonment had expired , the barrister was astonished one morning to see the released ’ Y ou convict walk into his chambers . didn t expect to see me again , did you inquired the visitor . But , ’ it s : lot you see , like this when they caught me I had a of silver forks and spoons , which they immediately took a s ou away . Now I thought that , y managed to get me off so lightly, you might be able to get those forks and spoons back for me

CHAPTER IX M WISDOM , WIT AND HU OUR IN THE POLICE COURTS

ea r Go d a n d o en n ot th e rin ce n or hi s a ws F , ff d P l , ’ An d kee p t h ys elf ou t of th e ma gis tra t e s c la ws

THE n s r s Police Court s is dingi es and d abnes of the . at s s s wit time somewhat relieved by fla hes of wi dom , and c humour , the latter being supplied , usually uncons iously , e s ri o i h l a i by witn s , p s ner , or compla nant , w i e the m g s t rate now and again takes advantage of an opportunity t o r deliver a little homily to those in Court , a ising from of or s the case the moment , is led to comment facetiou ly F or a ll upon the evidence submitted . they do not adopt r of wh o r a n the ule Judge Hans Hamilton , , when eplying to express ion of regr et at his retirement from the Blackpoo l im a i r r County Court , some t e ago , s d that , in o de to di s n e s ti l r expe te bu i ss and ave me , he a ways had in f ont r r c of n of him , w itten in large lette s on a pie e blotti g ”

e r s . pap r, the wo ds Do not talk . Do not make j oke l n or his One natura ly wonders what Mr . Plowde , rival d a n . . . S mmon s r in wit humour , Mr J A y , the magist ate at r wi l ur h is of r . G een ch Po ice Co t , t ink these ules It a r of S mm n s . o e characte istic Mr y that he lik s to wrap up , so i r l r r to speak , a l ttle f iend y advice in a humo ous manne ni s when an opportu ty occurs . If you have a good hou e r she a wife and a good mothe , is sure to have a sh rp

. n e tongue , he said a short time ago I k ow the typ . s r a n d They are the be t women in the wo ld , they are most f on di ficult to get with . You cannot have it both ways . s n H s o e . edderwick a t t This remind of Mr , who , We 24 5 6 M 2 4 WISDO , WIT AND HUMOUR

of London , told the wife a man who had attempted suicide that many men had been driven to destruction ’ by a woman s tongue . Sometimes nagging was more ” n difficult to bear than blows . She must ot scorch u her husband with her tong e , making him rush to the ” water to cure the pain . mmons on e A man told Mr . Sy day tha t he wa s willin g to provide a home for his wife if she would leave her ’

. . S mmon s mother I ve seen her mother, said Mr y , ’ — a n d there s nothing wrong with her Y ou must re member :

’ A son s a son t ill h e gets hi m a wife ’ A h er a ht e r a ll h er i da ug t s a d ug l fe .

’ Mr d E n court . y , at Clerkenwell , however , takes a some di of r-in -la Y what fferent view the mothe w. ou are ’ entitled t o turn your mother-in - law ou t if you don t want

r out . An her , he said at Cle kenwell , and to keep her ’ his Englishman s home is still supposed to be castle . mm s . S on on Referring again to Mr y , his comment of r r rd the evidence a jealous wife is wo th eco ing . Sup r pose the husband has walked with anothe lady , whatever is . u the harm , he said Suppose a noble d ke meets a n countess , not his wife , in Hyde Park , waves his ha d to a re ? her , says , Halloa , countess , how you walks up her to , walks by her side , is the duke to be considered — immora l cruel for d u S mm n s A man fined r nkenness by Mr . y o said he ” of a n wa s had two drops br dy, as he unwell . If you r a n d off take spi its you should go to bed sleep it , advised the magistrate . I am not telling you this from expe ri ou a n ence I am telling y what I have read in books . Br dy - a l r will often cure a stomach ache , and rum will ways cu e ’ a cold ; but you should not take three threes off the reel ; an incident which recalls another occasion when S mmons n r r a i Mr . y , addressi g a p isone , s d that if the story n t t e n was true , that the accused was argui g wi h hre wome at once , he must have been very drunk . And he has thus sarcastically voiced his views on the

2 8 W I T AND 4 WISDOM , HUMOUR evidence . A young woman applied to the Acton Bench f r for a summons o assault . Magistrate : Any wit she nesses Applicant produced a small parcel , which opened , and showed to the magistrate a handful of hair .

A summons was immediately granted .

' What evidence have you ? the Brentford magis~ trate asked a woman applicant . I have brought my she black eye , replied . And it was at Tottenham that : the following dialogue took place . Magistrate Did you tear up your marriage certificate accidentally or for a purpose ? Female Applicant : I tore it up acci ’ for dentally and the purpose . Magistrate Haven t you any evidence that you were married ? Applicant

Four children . Asked why she did not answer to a charge at Brent h a s e on . ford , woman said went tour in the country i ° ? : The Mag strate Theatrical The Accused No , ! bless you . Hopping r Sometimes , however , overawed pe haps by their r su roundings , women get fearfully confused . Were all your children born in wedlock ? asked a parish

council clerk of a mother who had applied for relief . ’ r r No , sir , answe ed the woman they we e a born in ’

r r . Paisley . I ve neve been near that ithe place in ma life A woman stepped into the witness- box at Tottenham : of and said I am the wife a disinfectant , while another wanted a summons for the inflammation of r her cha acter .

Very amusing , too , was the unintentional bull of who the lady at Tottenham said , My husband comes home speechless drunk every night and uses abusive

language . Presumably the lady who said at the Westminster Court that her husband wa s a mental division in tended to sa y mentally deficient the meaning of the female defendant at Ystrad who said she wa s sorry she didn ’ t go to the doctor to analyse me and another e at Swansea , who said I have no witness s here for ” m benefica tion e . y , b ing fairly obvious ' I N THE POL I CE COURTS 249

a l . M e witnesses , however , get very muddled at times Have you seen the defenda nt since ? asked the ’ Tottenham magistrate . No , was the witness s reply

at least , only once , and that was when he broke into ’ see ! my house , and then I didn t him

I gave him verbal notice , but I have not brought t o ro it , said an applicant at Caerphilly when asked p duce a notice to quit while another Welsh witness knew that his son had a sharp and quick temperature . The record in cautiousness wa s established by a witness at Hackney Coroner ’ s Court who was asked by the coroner : How long have you been married ? of To the best my knowledge eighteen years , he replied . Any children

One sixteen years ago , to the best of my knowledge . None since ?

To the best of my knowledge , no . ’ of The duties the magistrate s clerk , however , are no sinecure , judging from the following dialogue which took place at the Wakefield West Riding Court : Clerk : Is the defendant related t o you ? Com ’ ’ ’ ” : he s plainant Yes , my husband s wife s husband . ’ ’ r Com Magist ate s Clerk No , no , he can t be that . ’ ’ ” : r plainant I mean , my husband s siste s husband . of Quite clear, however , was the reply the complainant hus at Highgate , who , when the clerk said Has your band hit you between those dates promptly replied r No , in the eye . A emark which also applies to the r wa s r eply of the lady who asked , Did you mar y him 0 a on the spur of the moment N , n at the Registry ffi O ce .

Testifying to the character of a woman at Brentford , a female witness said : I never knew her to commit ” suicide before ; while another asked if she knew the we prosecutrix , cheerfully replied , Oh , yes , did three

months together . The volubility of ladies in the Police Courts ha s been 2 9 S W I T AND 5 WI DOM , HUMOUR

of the cause many amusing scenes and comments . At ' Brentford a woman complained that her husband stayed r wa s away from home for seve al days . She talking r wa s volubly, when the magistrate rema ked that he not r ou surp ised that her husband went away . If y talk as glibly to him as you do to me he added , he would ’ want a week s rest occasionally . — a You know what women are talk , talk , t lk , all the ” time , said the Highgate magistrate . Leave them wa s alone , and they soon get tired ; while it a Totten r who t o ham magist ate remarked a talkative woman , I am not going to compete with you ; you possess all the qualities of a winner .

Perhaps , however , the most caustic comment on ’ woman s tongue was that made by a man at Belfast , when making a second application for a warrant against his wife , the first having been deferred on the advice of the magistrate to make it up and start the new ” s or year well . My wife , aid the applicant , my son master , as you will , has been at me again . My said n ot r he would kick my ribs in if I did pay the ent , and ’ ’ she : . , my spouse , said That s right , give him a kick hi The Magistrate We have heard all t s before . a s The Applicant Yes , I know ; but , the poet says

Ba t h e my fe e t in boilin g le a d O r pla c e me o n a ra c k B u t s a v e my life while I a m h e re ’ ” rom n er woma n s c a c F yo d l k . The comments of magistrates on the weaknesses of the opposite sex which have already been mentioned r could be fu ther supplemented . ’ The gallows will be my end I m very passionate , who H edderwick said a young woman applied to Mr . , at r n the North London Police Cou t , for a summons agai st “ ’ n a man for assaulti g her . I m very sorry to hear ”

r . that . You must endeavour to cont ol your passions ’ But I m Irish and Spanish mixed . That ought to — be a splendid mixture the Spanish pe ople are brave r u s and the I ish people are h morous . The woman aid

2 2 SDOM W I T AND H M 5 WI , U OUR when a man who falls in the gutter and thinks he is in i bed can fairly be considered drunk , a proof wh ch few will dispute . A well-dressed married woman wa s one day charged n at Clerkenwell with being dru k , and protested her f sobriety . The constable gave evidence to the e fect that the doctor was called at her own request . The Woman ” Yes , and he asked me to open and shut my eyes (which I did) and put my heels together (which I did) but when he told me to st 0 0 p and touch my toes with the tip of my fingers I told him to do his funny tricks ” himself . There was also the man at Highgate charged with who : drunkenness , , when questioned , said The doctor at the police station told me to put my back to the door ,

! shut my eyes , and walk towards him . I replied , Cer t a inl God see y not , doctor ; gave me eyes to with , not ’ to walk in darkness . When Thomas Roberts was charged at Will esden with being drunk , he said he was always meeting friends , and they insisted upon giving him drink . The Magistrate : If you are not strong enough to ” ut f resist you should keep o o their way . r : r Sir P isoner Unfo tunately , , I have rather bad ”

r see . eyesight , and they see me befo e I them of Which could be followed by the excuse the prisoner, charged with being drunk and disorderly , who , when “ ” s a ? the magistrate asked , Have you anything to y “ i wa s r s r. replied , Yes , It due to t avelling in bad — company the Sons of Temperance . Magistrate But I should think they’ d be the best company a man ” “ ’ a sk sir like you could for . Prisoner No , , you re ’ Y ou see h wrong . , I d bought a quart of w isky for the of j ourney , and on account the company I had to drink ” it all myself . A man charged at Highgate expla ined the position to the magistrate in this form :

I eca me a i t e a e b l t l p l , So I ha d a litt le a le ; IN THE POLICE COURTS 2 53

n e Up ca me the ma n i blu . ’ I s a id : W ha t is t t o do with you ?

H e t ook me t o the j a il .

An d t ha t s ir is m t a e . , y l The frankness of the drunk and disorderly is often as amusing as his excuses . If the policeman had left me another ten minutes to get ripe he’ d have had a ” wa s r case , said a defendant . As it was , he too ea ly ” by several pints . fi I came from the pit , said a defendant at Shef eld , of responding to the charge being drunk , and instead of going home I went to a pub . It got from a can to ” a pint . Magistrate And from a pint to a quart

: sir. Prisoner Correct , of The drinking capacity the collier , however , was graphically described at Aberavon by a witness . How ” many pints can you drink coming from work ? was the question put to him . With a collier the first pint Y ou s goes down without knowing . just feel the econd and the third gives a little satisfaction . A little old woman shuffled into the dock at Totten r ham . The Cle k : Alice Mahon ? Prisoner : Alice

- Mahon , aged sixty seven , a native of Brighton , and a traveller from casual ward to casual ward . She was charged with being drunk and disorderly . I only had two glasses of beer , she said , and your worship will ” on agree I couldn t get drunk that . The Magistrate ’ I don t know . The Woman I do , and I am ready ” to be tested . ou off If I let y this time , said a Tower Bridge magis ? ” trate , will you promise me to take the pledge

Delighted prisoner , excitedly I will , your worship , ” and drink your health ! Very naive wa s the remark of a man who was charged at the same Court with attack who : sir ing his wife , said By an accident , , we were ” both perfectly sober , which is equal to the reply of a h woman at Tottenham who said S e had had two drinks . The Magistrate How many drinks make t wo ? “ ”

a : h e . t a of a so r The Wom n T re And h t pri ne who , 2 W I T AND 54 WISDOM , HUMOUR

as an explanation of his failing , said , I dropped in home ,

and some pals dropped in , and we had several drops . out We went , and dropped into a pub and had some ” dr more ops , and then I suppose I dropped down . Now and again magistrates are very sarcastic at the of expense the inebriate . Of a man , charged at Willes

den with being drunk , it was stated that he clung to the

police station railings and shouted , Take me inside . ” ‘ re I want to go to sleep . He was taken inside , and r You mained there all night . The Magist ate go to Y ou the hotel . are accommodated . You remain the ” ou i l n night , and now y pay the bill . It is five sh l i g s .

- A middle aged woman , who was charged at Marylebone wa s with being drunk , said to have been found lying of cu t fast asleep in a garden on a quantity flowers . ”

Mr . I must say I feel a little sorry for you , said Plow on of flowers— den . Asleep a bed wakened up and r brought back to this wicked wo ld . It must have caused ”

Y ou . you a shock . may go with a caution of of Perhaps the gem all , however, was the remark ’ the man who thus complained : I don t believe they ’ ’ know what they re doing when they re drunk . They

even kissed my missus when they met her . Query : what did the missus sa y ? There are occasions when the man in blue provides as much amusement as the woman witness and the r v ineb iate . A young policeman , gi ing evidence in a l London burglary case , was so excited that he accidental y : wa s l said Please , your worship , I the on y person wa s present in the house except another constable , who ” outside .

The last witness surrounded the five boys , said a r constable at Edgware , while , in eply to the magistrate who a at Tower Bridge , asked , What is the man ch rged ? ’ with the reply was , Bigotry, your worship . He s ” got three wives . ’ The police will say anything except their prayers ,

said a witness at Willesden , and there are times when n o they depart a little from the actual truth , judgi g fr m

2 6 W I T AND 5 WISDOM , HUMOUR

: repeating herself . She answered I am only te ’

. t oo the truth Magistrate Don t tell it often . ou palls on one , y know . Then there was the solicitor who pertinently that Common- sense and law do not a l ways go and another who said that would make a Billingsgate porter put wool in his ears . Quite a Sam Weller in his way wa s the solicitor at r old Bi kenhead who asked prisoner how he was . Prisoner ” of - - sir (with an air pride) Forty two to day, . Solicitor

Many happy returns . Magistrate That cuts both ” ways ! Solicitor : Yes as the dog said when it fell into the sausage machine . And what an ingenious argument was that of the solicitor who , defending a farmer accused of supplying : wa s adulterated milk , said The deficiency due to the hand of Heaven in allowing the cows to feed on wet grass r a l the night befo e , and permitting the rain to f l heavily while Ball (the farmer) wa s taking his churn with a leaky top along the country lanes . The Magistrate dismissed the summons . The solicitor has forgotten to charge most of his ” be costs , said a counsel at Shoreditch . I g your r ! pa don said the Judge , in an astonished voice . No, surely, that has never occurred ” is How it , said another solicitor, that you have waited three years before suing this man Jones for calling you a rhinoceros ? Client : Because I never saw o f Zoo u ne o the beasts till yesterday at the . Q ite an describ unexpected reply was that of a witness who , after r wa s An d ing how a ca t and a barrow collided , asked in what relation were you to the cart ? Ga rn l ’ retorted the man . Carts don t have no uncles nor aunts . l A cabman , charged at a London po ice court with over loading his horse , was asked how heavy a load he had l wa s on his van . About a ton , he rep ied ; but it all light stuff while at a Bethnal Green inquest the for h i ma n of the jury remarked on t e light weight of a ch ld . IN THE POLICE COURTS 2 57

of horseflesh I have been a judge for years , he added ,

and I ought to know what a child should weigh . Many more examples of the humours of police-court r sayings might be given, but the foregoing are pe haps sufli cient our r to show that police cou ts are not always , r as one writer has put it , the most sad , drea y and dullest ” of institutions , presided over by men who never smile .

CHAPTER X HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

’ Get our a ct s first a n d th en ou ca n is ort em a s much y f , y d t a e - M a rk Twa in a s you ple s . .

IN STANCES of merriment caused in court by the humourous

of of . remarks witnesses are , course , legion In the follow r ing chapter, however , an endeavou has been made to give a selection of the most diverting but lesser- known of stories . Many the incidents have been related by

r ~ legal celeb ities themselves , while the others have hap pened in connection with cases in which the rank a n d

file of the profession have been concerned . wa s r Lord Brougham not a great talke in private life ,

but now and again he lapsed into Bar recollections , and

frequently told the following witness story . of During a certain assizes , in a case assault and battery , r w where a stone had been th o n by the defendant , a wa s witness , hailing from the county of broad acres ,

examined . Did you see the defendant throw the stone ’ I saw a stone , and I se pretty sure the defendant

throwed it . Was it a large stone la r eish I should say it wur a g stone . What was its Size

I should say a sizeable stone . Can ’ t you answer definitely how big it was sa of I should y it wur a stone some bigness . ’ Can t you give the jury some idea of the stone a s of Why, near as I recollect , it wur something a ” stone . 2 6 2 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

’ Can t you compare it to some other object wur t o r Why , if I compa e it , so as to give some of a s notion the stone , I should say it wur as large a f lump o chalk . And it wa s Lord Cranbrook who once told this story of the cross-examination of a witness who admitted having had £5 from each candidate durin g a certain

election . You went and dined at the Red Lion and found £5 under your plate and pocketed it ” I did . And then you went and made a second din ner at the s Blue Lion and found there al o £5 under your plate , and pocketed it

I did . of n And then , with the money the Blue Lion ca didate r a n d in your b eeches pocket , you went voted for the Red Lion candi date ?

I did not . Y ou did not did for What Whom you vote , then i ’ ’ I d dn t vote at all , because I hadn t a vote . of w Talking Obstreperous witnesses , the follo ing story ’ r is a favourite in legal circles . It p obably isn t true , but

it is well worth recording for all that . r l Do you know the p isoner we l asked the attorney . ” Never knew him ill , replied the witness . Did you ever see the prisoner at the bar r n wa s Took many a d i k with him , the reply . H ow long have you known this man

From two feet up to five feet ten .

di . Stand down yelled the lawyer, in sgust ’ ” it r s o . Can t do it , said he . I down stand up f l did— O ficer , remove that man And he with trouble . Judge Parry has related a number of amus ing stories of witnesses in his reminiscences , Judgments in Vaca ” a old who son tion . One concerns fat dame sued her - d 1 . in law for £2 7s . 9

2 64 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

of The sigh envy , says the Judge , in relating the r of incident , at the compa ative freedom my position own wa s f o . as compared with his , full pathos There wa s an amusing old gentleman who came before r n Judge Parry once , in a very pertu bed state , to k ow if , ’ u se wa s a n t a itled h ere to his own phrase , he to pay t is debt .

The Incident , says the Judge , occurred at a time when the citizens of Manchester were being polled to ’ of vote on a culvert scheme drainage , which excited much popular interest . ’ w ’ ’ I don t deny o ing the debt , he said , and I ll pay ’ a n t a itled reet enow, What your Honour thinks reet , if I m ’ to pay . I suggested that if he owed the money he wa s clearly

entitled to pay . ‘ ’ ’ a s Well , he continued , I thowt I should ave a ’ first summons . ’ But you must have had a summons , I said , or how did you get here ’ ’ E on towed me case wor , he said , pointing to the ’ f so plainti f , I coom . ‘ ’ see s chola rd You , he said , I no , and we got a ’ our paper left at ouse , and I took it up to Bill Thomas ’ ’ ’ our —a c on —a n e in street mon as read looks at it , an ’ r says as ow may be its a c oolvert pa a pe . So I asks ’ wi : on him what to do it , and he says Put a cross it ” - u t . and p it in a pillar box , and that wor done But if ’ ’ ’

l a . you says it wor a summons , Bi l must bin wrong Judge Parry’ s stories of his experiences at the Man a re chester County Court , however , inexhaustible , and ’ perhaps the comedy of a man s Sunday trousers is one he ’ f wa s tells best . In the plainti f s box a woman ; in the ’ a i f defendant s an elderly collier . The pl nti f stated her ’ ’ case : I lent yon mon s missis my mon s Sunday ’ ’ ’

. trousers to pay is rent with , an I want em back The defendant at first replied “ There ’ s nowt in it at ” for all . Pressed a more definite reply , he scowled at ’ : ole n the judge and protested Why, the street k ows HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX 2 65

wa s n ot all about them trousers . But Judge Parry ’ ” ole the the street , and he patiently encouraged : defendant to talk until he got the explanation Why , ’ ” yon woman an my missis drank them Sunday trousers . Another experience with one of the opposite sex relates to a woman who wa s summoned before him for n on ’ of ou ? payment rent . Why don t y pay the money he asked her . Last Friday week , when I was cooking h ” s e . a rabbit began My good woman , inter ru t ed t p the judge , never mind the rabbit , but ell me ’ ’ ” why you didn t pay the rent . I m telling you , retorted the woman , if you will only let me . Last

Friday week when I was cooking a rabbit , and the soot fell down and spoiled the rabbit ; and do you think I was going to pay rent for that week There is a delicious witness story which Judge Parry tells elsewhere concerning a cross- examination in Man on H ockin e . chester day, by a Mr , who was seeking to Show that the witness wa s n ot present at the works where he wa s employed at the time of an accident to which he wa s testifying : But I think you said you had a holiday that day I had an ’ aw !” H ockin Do you mean to tell the Court , asked Mr . , that you came back to the works when you might have been enj oying a holiday ” Certainly , replied the witness . ” ou ? H ockin a Why did y do that asked , with of touch triumph in his voice . “ ’ ? o What should I do I have nowhere t go . I m teetotal now !” Judge Parry also tells a good witness story against his r friend Mr . Joseph Collier , a Manchester su geon . There t o had been an accident to a workman , which was said of have resulted in concussion the Spine . The workman wa s a very stolid character , and Collier had examined him for the insurance company . The following cross examination took place DO you remember Mr . Collier examining you 266 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

Aye , I do . Did he stick a pin into your thigh ’ ”

e . Aye , did , an aw Did you start up and scream ” ou Well , so would y . ’ But hadn t you told him your thigh wa s numb and had n o feeling ? ’ ’ What s the u se of telling im onyt hing sa i d the ’ witness , pointing contemptuously at Collier That s ’ ’ e is irn wh re doctor made mistake . I told I were numb ’ ’ e i front , and what does do but go and stick a pin into ’ ’ ”

E s . my backside . no doctor ‘ r t oo of There is a sto y , , how a very unwilling witness ’ at once settled a case . A Chemist s assistant , dismissed for his drunkenness , sued late employer . Among the witnesses called by the latter to prove that the assistant wa s o drunk was a working man , called on subp ena, whom Judge Parry asked t o tell his story in his own

words . f wor I dunno eely much aboot it , he said . I ’ ’ ’ a d 0 so passing shop , an a bit cough mysen , I went in ’ ’ ’ for n oth o ot t wope n s balsam . An when I g in t shop — — “ I sa w yon mon pointing to plaintiff leaning up ’ agin them va ria g a t ed decorated drawers like they ave ’ ’ : E ner in them shops , an I says to mysen , I says y ’ ’ ’ ou 0 E n er ? y ain t tired your life yet , are you , y An ’ — ’ with that I cooms ou t wi out ony balsam and that s all ” I know .

And that settled the case . As of l in r an illustration what a woman wi l say Cou t , l of and incidenta ly as an example East End slang , the t o wa s u following would be hard beat . It a case Of assa lt , and the downtrodden wife was laying her grievance before the magistrate . “ ” bit on she He started by giving me a the nut , explained .

My good woman , rebuked the magistrate , you ’ u mustn t talk like that here . I suppose yo mean he gave you a blow upon the head

2 68 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

’ t oo And a nice time I ve had with him , What does — he do for a living ? Do ? in withering accents Y ou may well ask what does he do The la zy wretch l lies in bed half the day , drinks the other ha f, and leaves me to keep the home going . wa s Are you quite sure , another lady asked , that it was the respondent you sa w with the c o-respondent ’

. n ot Sure Of course I am sure Why , I could mistake her painted face and that monstrosity of a hat half a mile off I am afraid you do not love the lady counsel ’ ” ’ she out ventured . No , I don t , snapped . I can t ’ of of l bear the sight her, and I can t for the life me te l ” ca n see what any man in her . e At times , however , women prove thems lves more than a match for counsel . Said a rather pompous barrister of small stature and by no means imposing aspect to a female witness : Will you describe the man you sa w o r she walking with the pris ne Well , replied , he was an insignificant little fellow, with a plain clean — shaven face almost the image of yourself You NO might have mistaken him for me , then , I ’ “ ? couldn t , was the answer . Why Well , though ’ w a s . he wasn t much to look at , he evidently a gentleman It was another counsel who asked a lady : You say the man you sa w was handsome: Now what would you u sa a call handsome Wo ld you y, for inst nce , that I ” ? sir wa s am handsome You forget , , the smiling on reply , that I am my oath

Then there is the female witness who , in answer to the r simplest question , will give counsel the histo y of herself r wa s one and her family f om the beginning . It such lady : who , in answer to the question What do you do for a living ? answered I do nothing for myself except cook , wash , scrub , make beds , clean windows , mend my ’ a children s clothes , teach the four eldest their lessons , t ke of s care my husband , and try to get enough leep to be up by five in the morning . I guess if some lawyers worked as hard as I do they would have sense enough not to a sk ” impertinent questions . HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS Box 2 6 9

Women , however, are not the only sinners in regard to a re being perverse and verbose in the witness box . Men equally guilty at times . Take the example , for instance , f for of an Irish plainti f in an action assault and battery .

After relating how Dennis , the defendant , came up to him : and struck him , he proceeded off his So , yer honour, I just hauled and wiped j aw . h c m us is u . J t then dog along , and I hit him again Hit the dog a No , yer honour ; hit Dennis . And then I up wid stun and throwed it at him and it rolled him over and ” over . Threw a stone at Dennis a nd hit me At the dog , yer honour . And he got up again . The dog NO bit me le , Dennis . And wid that he in the g and Off run . Dennis O me ot N , the dog . And when he came back at , he g ” me down and pounded me , yer honour . The dog came back at you ’ a n a t No , Dennis , yer honour he isn t hurt y all . Who isn ’ t hurt do The g , yer honour . so exa s era t Even this witness , however , was not quite p one ing as in a Chicago burglary case . The Judge , ’ becoming impatient on account of the witness s wander ings in speech , says Marshall Brown , in Bulls and ’ out C Blunders , ! took the examination of ounsel s hands , w : ith the remark Allow me to examine this witness . I c a n Ma cTurk ou sa think I get at the truth . Now, , y y ou a s y know all about this burglary . State in few words a s ou sa w possible what y and heard . ’ Ma cTurk mornin Well , you know, I got up that at ’ five o clock and I dhresses mesclf : e Judge Stop a moment . This burglary took plac at h ’ ’ t ree o clock in the afternoon . What has five o clock in the morning to do with that 2 79 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS Box

Ma cTurk : t wa s Sure , tha the time I got up , your ’ honour . I ll explain . ’ : w Go Judge We don t ant explanations . on with

the evidence . Ma cTurk As I said before , I got up that m ’ — — five o clock and I lit the fire n o I made a ’ ” l dhrink I niver light it ti l I ve had a . ’ Judge (sternly) : We don t care to hear anyt hing sir about that , . ’ Ma cTurk : u — Sure , I know ye don t , yer hono r why should ye Me wife sez to me i Ju"dge (emphatically) Never mind what your w fe said . Ma cTurk : u I never do , yer hono r ; I pay no atten tion to her whatever . I lit me pipe

Judge Never mind your pipe . Ma cTurk : t o And I went down the corner, and I got a sixteen-to-one

Judge A what (Sensation in the court . ) ’ Ma Tu rk I t s dhrink c . a , yer honour They put ’ f one sixteen di ferent things in it , an if ye took the second f ” it would knock ye sti f . Judge (rising angrily) : I would like to — the counsel for the prosecution dares I s a y

put such a witness on the stand . This person

be in a lunatic asylum . r Counsel (with dignity) Your honou , this i of important witness . In the interests justice , I ” t o give him one more chance . Judge (becoming calm) : I will t ry him once Now Ma cTurk u s , , be very careful to tell only the facts ” that bear on this robbery . ’ Ma cTu rk Y er r mornin honou , I got up that Judge (thunderingly) Stop ou Ma cTurk Counsel (to the rescue) Where were y , , at three o ’ clock that day ’ ’ Ma cTurk I was goin down pa st the lot by Brown s ” factory . Counsel What did you hear ?

2 72 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

but That may be , said Sir Arthur ; the question is , how long have you been divorced wa s Another time a little girl before him , and he pro ' ceeded to ascertain whether she knew the nature of an sh oath . She replied that e would go to hea ven if she told the truth , but would go to the other place if she told lies . ou of Are y sure that , my dear said the Judge .

Yes , my lord , quite sure . ” s d she s Let her be sworn , ai the Judge ; know ” do more than I . of bo wa s ff ed Which reminds one another y, who o er ou u as a witness , and was asked , Do y go to S nday ? ” ? “ s . ou To chool Yes , sir What do y learn ” ou speak the truth . Are y not taugh sir ou Yes , . What was the oath for, that y ? ” given to the others To speak the truth . ” pose you do not ? I shall be burned up wit ” and brimstone . bo A second y was brought up , who said old eight years , and answered the first five ’ the affirmative . To the sixth , Suppose you don t tell ” ’ ” the truth , he answered , Then he won t win his case . of is Talking juvenile witnesses , there a story told of i c Mr . Justice Maule , which , while possess ng ertain of elements humour , illustrates his minute care when for presiding over a case . A man was being tried the of of e murder an infant , and a little brother the murder d r child was called as a witness . Counsel for the C own bo who n doubted whether the y, did not seem to understa d

of . the nature an oath , could be admitted as evidence bo u Among other questions , the y was asked by co nsel if he knew what became of people who told lies . ” “ ’ If he knows that , interposed Maule , it s a good ” deal more than I do .

Then Maule himself asked a few questions , which may be summarised as follows bo What will become of you , my little y, when you s o w a s t o die , if you are icked tell a lie HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX 273

bo Hell fire , promptly replied the y . ” ou Right , said Maule . Now , suppose y were

accused of stealing an apple , how would that be in the

next world , think you

Hell fire , my lord —

~ Very good indeed . Now , let us suppose that you t o or of were disobedient your parents , to one them ; what would happen in that case

Hell fire , my lord ow Exactly ; very good indeed . N suppose you for - were sent the milk in the morning , and took just a little sip while you were carrying it home ; how would that be as regards your future state bo Hell fire repeated the y . s He does n ot seem t o be competent said the coun el .

I beg your pardon , returned the Judge . I think for he is a very good little boy . He thinks that every t o is wilful fault he will go hell fire and he very likely , r while he believes that doct ine , to be most strict in his

observance of truth . If you and I believed that such would be the penalty for every act of misconduct we

committed , we should be better men than we are . Let ” the boy be sworn . f There was quite a di ferent sequel , however , to a some what similar incident which happened many years ago bo wa s at a late assizes in Limerick , when a y brought forward as a witness for the prosecution in a case of r so so n murder . He appea ed young and ig orant , that the Judge (Solicitor-General Bushe) thought it necessary t o for examine him as to his qualifications a witness , when the following dialogue took place Do f . o ? Q you know, my lad , the nature an oath ” A ! no . An oath . Do Q . you mean to say that you do not know what an oath is

A . Yes . ou Q . Do y know anything of the consequences of telling a lie A . No . 2 74 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS Box

c a re of a What religion you s A Catholic . c a Do you ever go to Mass

s No . ou ga Did y ever see your priest

s Yes . c t o a Did he ever speak you

s es . Oh , y e What did he sa t o ou ? e y y s on I met him the mountain one day, and he bid me hold his horse and be to me . : ou Judge Go down ; y are not fit to be sworn .

The story about Mr . Justice Maule calls to mind another in which he figured . of One day he was trying , for an offence violence , a a s of d hypocritical saint , who , a matter course , calle a r is number of pe sons to testify to his character . As on on t usual such occasions , their knowledge the subjec one was very limited . On point , however , they laid r n considerable stress . The p isoner was well k own to a s - - them a Bible reader and a Sunday school teacher . He n of was , in fact , in their Opinion , the very incar ation r piety and vi tue . rw The evidence against the accused was ove helming , r sum and Maule p oceeded , in no uncertain language , to for up a conviction . ’ of ks the On the conclusion the learned Judge s remar , prisoner ’ s counsel jumped up and said ’ r I crave you lordship s pardon , but you have not ’ r r referred to the p isone s good character, as proved by a of number witnesses . You are right , sir , said his lordship and then , r : n addressing the ju y , he continued Ge tlemen , I am ’ requested to draw your attention t o the prisoner s r cha acter , which has been spoken to by gentlemen , I f r l o e . doubt not , the greatest esp ctabi ity and veracity w for If you believe them , and also the itnesses the prose cution t , it appears to me that hey have established what t o s ma a n many per ons y seem incredible , n mely, that eve

2 76 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX v l n a massive gold chain and seals hung from his fob ; he mmight have passed for a country banker or solicitor of

the Old style . Sir Frank (very politely) I believe you are a member

of of . 8: the eminent firm detectives , Messrs Blater Co

Yes sir s . Witness , , I repre ent that firm : of Sir Frank And I presume , in the course your t o di s professional duties , you have assume many sgui es sir Witness Yes , . a sk Sir Frank Pray , may I what you are disguised a s n ow for t o i Referring again a moment oath stories , it m ght be mentioned that they are not confined solely to

youngsters . Do you understand the nature of an oath ? said on one counsel , occasion to a witness , who seemed to be of a somewhat inferior intellectu l attainments . ( 8 Sir l , of Counsel Do you understand the nature an oath , I sa y

Witness (impressively) Sir , I have driven a keb in

this city for nigh on forty years . Which calls to mind the foll owing dialogu es which

occurred one day at Tower Bridge Police Court . : of a t Solicitor You understand the nature an o h , don ’ t you Lady (rather flurried) I beg your pardon Solicitor (testily) What is the nature of an oath ’ Lady (triumphantly) Profane , isn t it The Clerk of the Court (bending a questioning face on : the witness in the box) My good woman , do you ” of sir understand the nature an oath Well , , ’ she v seein replied , with an air of con iction , that my ’ ’ usba nd a s been a porter at Billingsgate for well -nigh sa thirty years , I should y I do . There is a story of another clerk who addressed a d a . a n wom n , and said to her sternly Take the book ” " swear . But , pleaded she I have done nothing of ” ” rt s i the so in my life before . Never mind , a d he , HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX 277

r you must do it now . Am I bound falte ed the perspiring witness . Yes , yes , you are bound . ” she Well , then , said , if I must I must , and in good she r round oaths consigned judge , ju y , witnesses and counsel to the lowest depths of perdition .

Very naive are the replies of some witnesses . During the tria l of an action relating to a claim on a fire insurance f — - policy, the counsel for the plainti f the policy holder ’ said to the company s surveyor , who was under cross t examination Now, will you kindly tell me what repor e you made after you had visited the pr mises Well , r replied the su veyor , I said that the senior partner stated that the fire took place owing to an a rc light on the ground floor the junior partner stated that it took place owing t o an incandescent light on the first floor ; ‘ but that , in my opinion , it took place owing to an Israelite in the basement . Now Counsel (to witness) , did you spend the next day with defendant

Witness I did . Counsel Did you lunch with him

Witness No . Counsel : Why ? is Witness The defendant a Scotchman . Judge (to witness) Then you were present at the beginning of the quarrel between the couple

. wa s Witness Certainly, your worship ; that three years ago . Judge What so long back as that — Witness Yes I wa s one of the guests at the wedding . - wa s An Old woman being cross examined , asked by the she counsel how explained an obvious untruth . She ’ ” sir of replied I m sorry, , but I lost my presence mind .

A policeman , giving evidence against an alien , stated so r that he was altogether a bad lot , that he would st ongly recommend him for deportment while another witness , e b ing asked by counsel as to his forbears , replied that ” they were poor, but dishonest . 2 7s HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS Box

Said the mayor to the constable who wa s guardin g the prisoner at the Bar : The defendant is behaving in a r or very rema kable manner . Is he mad , drunk , a fool r A blend of the three , I think , you washup , replied the man in blue . is There , however, nothing which delights the Court more than when a witness scores off a would-be witty counsel . An expert witness was being cross- examined in the Committee-Room of the House of Commons by a well r So known Parliamenta y barrister . Come , come , Mr . “ -so of a and , said the counsel let me remind you wh t ” happened to Balaam . Yes , said the Witness , I know ; and you will remember that it wa s the a ss that warned him . - Yes , I know, said the cross examining counsel in response to a suggestion by the witness that a monetary payment had induced one of the parties to take a cert a in ” ” r r cou se ; money talks all the time . I ag ee , answered the witness , particularly when it takes the ” r form of a big fee on a b ief . And here is an encounter which took place between

' witness and counsel in another case . Counsel Did you speak j ocosely Witness I do n ot know him . Counsel (not exactly comprehending) Did you speak j ocosely ? Witness (angrily) I tell you I don ’ t o know J . Closely .

In an accident case , after the witness had testified to : ou the facts , counsel said to him What did y do then ? To which witness replied : I went to the ’ f - r or . rescue , as a lawye goes a man s pocket book An Irish witness wa s asked : What do you know of ’ ? “ h the defendant s reputation Faith , I know t is , ’ ’ that rather than live with her I d marry the devil s

daughter and go home and live with the Old folks . who r n of A doctor, had bo ne patiently the bullyi g the wa s r for rosec ution . young and bumptious barriste the p , You a r a sked : claim to be acquainted with the v iou"s a ss do symptoms ttending concu ion of the brain I ,

2 80 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

Y es sir r r what I mean . , , seve al pe sons have tried to f ’ get me to tell a di ferent story from what I ve told , but ’ ” Now sir they couldn t . , , sternly demanded the r — barriste , upon your oath upon your oath , remember - k I a s . you who those unprincipled people are Well , r came the crushing reto t , which threw the Court into ’ of r a s convulsions laughter , I guess you ve t ied hard a s

any of them . - l Cross examination , however , is a ways a dangerous ’ a rt r , and Often counsel s weapon ecoils upon himself . Some time ago at the Clerkenwell County Court a good example of the dangers to which an over-insistent barrister exposes himself was the cause of much amusement to those in Court . ” of e Do you , asked the learned gentleman a witn ss ,

‘ do you drink ? The man was n ot going t O c ommit : himself , but answered Well , that depends what you r - call d ink . I call drink drink what else do you of expect said the man law , testily . r Well , in that case , I do d ink , answered the witness . ? Do you drink heavily was the next poser . a s Well , that again is a question to what you call ’ heavily . came the guarded reply . Do you ever take more than is good for you

I drink until I am satisfied . Does that take long ? ” No . So the interrogatory went on till the counsel cornered his man to the question he had had in his mind all the while . Do you ever take too much

No , said the innocent witness , unless you consider one cup of tea in the morning and another in the aft er noon too much . n Come , come , said the barrister , I am speaki g of intoxicating liquors . ” Oh , said the man , I am a teetotaler

- That finished the cross examination . That a barrister is not always on safe ground even with HUMOURS OF THE W ITNESS BOX 2 8 1

his own client , was shown not long ago at an assize Court - . prisoner charged with on the South Eastern Circuit ( A r of la ceny from the person , leaned over the front the box and handed a dock guinea to a smart young junior, whose face he seemed to know . You defended me — - ff sir ou o . once before , do y remember and got me — ’ ” sir . It was at Hertford Sessions , for stealin a watch ” For the alleged stealing of a watch , you mean , corrected

r a s . the ba rister , he pocketed the fee Alleged be ’ blowed , replied the man promptly . Why, I ve got ’ the watch at Ome now Of the unconscious humour of witnesse s the following are by no means bad examples . Magistrate I under s tand , then , that , after heckling the candidate , the defendant became very violent and abusive ? ” Con Yes sir so stable , . And , continued the magis ? trate , you used drastic measures to remove him ”

NO sir . Constable , , I used my truncheon In a breach of promise case the defendant was under ’ - severe cross examination by the young lady s counsel . sir Now, , counsel asked , am I to understand that you pressed your suit during the autumn of 1 90 8 ? ’ sir wa s No , , the guileless answer , I didn t press my —I o suit at all bought a new ne . A witness once scored off Ballantine with amusing f e fect . A veterinary surgeon had been called in to prove wa s that a certain horse was a roarer . Ballantine , who on in the other side , his best Mephistophelean manner said t o the witness : ’ sa wa s If you y that my client s horse a roarer, just e represent to the jury the sort of noise h made .

e i . . s e s N said the vet , you that not my business i a s Now if you w ll be the horse and make the noise , I , a re veterinary surgeon , will determine whether you a o roarer r not . r Se j eant Ballantine sat down . - oi- It was a right way case , concerning an ancient foot path over the fields of an estate which had lately passed from an old family into the hands of a rich upstart . The 2 82 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX

dispute was carried to the law courts , and the lawyer appearing on behalf of the new landowner cross-examined t o own a venerable yokel , who had testified his personal knowledge there had been a right-of-way over the disputed wa s of land ever since he a boy five . ? And how old are you now asked the lawyer . ” -five sir Eighty , . But surely you can ’ t remember things that occurred of ? when you were a boy five , eighty years ago said

the lawyer, in affected incredulity . ’ ’ ir n c a n s . c a Deed , an I , I mind a year afore that , ’ fe ther sir owd Skinflint us when your y , , George , called him

That will do you may stand down , said the lawyer a s hastily , reddening furiously a titter ran round the court got a walloping from Mother Buncombe Sir ! Stand down , ’ for chatin her two -year- owd lass Do you hear Stand down ’ ’ a farden out 0 the change 0 a thruppny- bit a s concluded the venerable witness , triumphantly, he

slowly left the box . one di Perhaps of the most lu crous witness stories , how

. K . C. . . . M P ever , is that related by Mr F E Smith , , . He was once engaged in a County Court in which the ’ n r a s plai tiff s son , a lad of eight yea s , was to appear a r witness . When the youngster ente ed the box he wore a l hi s boots several sizes too large , a hat that most hid r so face , long trouse s , rolled up that the baggy knees were at his ankles , and , to complete the picture , a swallow tail coat that had to be held up to keep it from sweeping r wa s for the floor . The ludicrous pictu e too much the of u court , but the judge , between his spasms la ghter, managed to ask the boy hi s reason for appearing in such a garb . With wondering look , the lad fished in an inner i n ou t pocket and hauled the summons from it , po nti g m a s so a sentence with sole n mien he did . To appear ’

his . in father s suit , it read The reliability of the expert witness is illustrated

2 84 HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX ’ it inspector s w . A man had been caught setting fire to wa s his h ouse . It a clear case of arson . At the trial the judge cross-examined the inspector very severely Y ou arrested the prisoner

Yes , my lord . W a s he very frightened Terribly scared , my lord . — Y ou searched the prisoner what did you find

I found , my lord , the Key of Heaven (a Catholic - one a n d hi s prayer book) in pocket , insurance policy in wa s r the other . He prepared for both wo lds , my lord . The story of the flurried witness in an Admiralty

Division case is rather funny . The case had reference to a s a Thames collision , and a question arose to how far the colliding ship was seen before on e came into contact

. n wa s ff with the other The wit ess in the box a blu , hearty seaman ; but he seemed to have an attack of - a s nerves , and got very confused in cross examination to distances between the ships before the collision occurred .

Counsel , in a stern voice , then put the following poser sir to the witness Now , , attend to my question , and be very careful how you answer it . How many yards are there in a mile

The witness scratched his head , seemed nonplussed , and became very red in the face . At last he said , Look ’ out of i here , guv nor , let me get th s Court , walk quietly ’ r -in - up and down in the co ridor with you arm arm , and I ll ’ ” r tell yer . But , upon my soul , I can t tell yer he e . of As an example the obtuse seafaring witness , how wn ever , the gentleman referred to in the follo i g story deserves a niche to himself . Y ou sa y your boat picked up the accused at nine ’ o clock , said the barrister wearily, but still determined

. ha s to gain some ground Now , it been stated that he jumped overboard nearly an hour before that time . Tell a me , Captain Black , how he appe red to you when you n n picked him up . If you had bee asked to give a n opinio s of him then , what would you have aid

Then came a long pause . The Capta in looked thought HUMOURS OF THE WITNESS BOX 2 85

a h well he ful , then stroked his beard . A , , answered e ou ventually, I tell y candid now, if somebody asked

me then , just when we took him aboard , what I thought of out or no him , I should have said , straight , insult insult , one of men not er w that he was the wettest , if the v y ettest man , that I ever seed

CHAPTER x 1 HUMOURS OF THE JURY Box

I do n ot den y ’ Th e ur a ssin on t h e rison er s i e J y , p g p l f , Ma in a sworn t we e h a e a t hie or two y , lv , v f ” i i t r Gu ilt er t ha n h m t h ey y . Sha kes ea re p .

FROM ti me Immemorial it has been the custom to poke ” who r fun at the twelve good men and true , , acco ding to ’ of their consciences , beliefs and interpretation the judge s t o summing up , have been called upon bring in the ver a re of who dict . There many, course , assert that our — jury system is farcical that the majority of people would r r much prefer to be tried by a judge , rathe than t ust o themselves t the tender mercy of a jury , because they would then be appealing. to a higher order of int elli er r gence , and because , while the emotions v y f equently a d influence a jury , a judge simply weighs facts and ministers law Certainly j urI es are a wonderful and fearful assortment r o of men at times . Which is sca cely surprising when ne considers tha t it is an anomaly of the English law that a ’ juryman s intelligence should be measured by his rent

r or . oll by his rate receipts Thus , a common j uror must for 2 0 0 r Occupy a house which he pays £ or £3 rent , acco d ing to the county in which he resides . Furthermore , —his house must contain not fewer than fifteen windows a of of old survival the influence the window tax . On the or r other hand , a special juror must be an esquire pe son of r r —a n r or highe deg ee ba ker, me chant , householder occupying a private dwelling-place assessed to the poor inha bit ed house of rates or to the . duty on a value not 289 T 2 90 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

less than £ 1 0 0 in a town of not fewer than inhabit 0 ants and upwards , or £5 elsewhere . Special j urymen try the more important class of commercial and divorce s cases , and are paid one guinea a day for their service , e while the common jurymen try minor cas s , and are pa id one shilling for each case . This system of choosing has been condemned by many

lawyers and judges as being farcical in itself , for , while it may be satisfying to those in civil case s who can afford to call a special jury with a view to securing higher int elli ” who gence , it is unfair to poorer people , , because of lack of in means , must rely for a verdict upon the lower ” s d telligence , which the law practically say is represente by men who cannot a fford to pay more than £30 a year ha s rent . As one lawyer put it This method is about as sensible as that of choosing s e a jury according to streets , the re ult often b ing that half a re s neighbours , a fact which may have a di tinctly unfair

influence on the verdict . A specimen common jury was described a short time

ago by Mr . Kenyon , Chief Associate at the Law Courts . la un dr rn a n - It included a y , cowkeeper, clerk , coffee house rr a i keeper , butler , fa ier , milkman , and h rdresser .

A special jury panel , where the intelligence is supposed

to be high , included publicans , hairdressers , boarding - n house keepers , lamp lighters , horse dealers , gree grocers , r butche s , waiters , and artists . a 11 w In the famous c se of Wyler . Le is , which alto s gether lasted over fifteen year , and was known as the ” ’ r a l i Eve lasting Law Suit , a King s Bench tri , occupy ng - d thirty three days , was heard by a jury which include a fishmon er n g , paw broker , upholsterer, hospital secretary ,

bootmaker , confectioner, draper , tailor, fruiterer, iron out monger , and lace merchant . The case arose of a dispute between two groups of financiers over concessions wa s s in Portuguese East Africa , and one of the most co tly al u and intricate financi suits ever before a law co rt . No less an authority than Lord Alverstone has given it as his opinion that we have not the service of the sa me

2 92 HUMOURS OF THE ~ JURY BOX l more , to the p ace where they give their verdicts all the ’

. no rest is at their own charge In criminal matters , t i the ac uitted th capital , the jury were formerly paid , f y q e prison er but n ot if they found him guilty ; but in the ’ prosecution for the Popish Plot , in Charles the Second s r r r eign , the jury had mo e , and were treated highe , if they r r convicted a p isone , than if they acquitted him . In wa s a capital matters , it never allowed to p y the jury, be ” their verdict which way it would . of On the trial the seven bishops , the jury were locked or up all night , without either fire candle ; they could n ot r r t o of one ag ee in a ve dict , owing the obstinacy ’ ’ r Arnold , the king s b ewer . In Tanner s collection , in the r n Bodleian Library , Vol . XXVIII the e is the followi g curious letter on the treatment of this jury

of . John Ince , to the Archbishop Canterbury u n e 0 1 6 88 j 3 , . MAY PL AS Y O AC IT E E UR GR E ,

We have watched the jury carefully all night , attend on ing without the door the stair head . They have , by r r or o de , been kept all night without fire candle , save only some basins of water and towels this mornin g about r fou . The Officers and our servants , and others hired by t o fi us watch the of cers , have , and shall constantly attend , our but must be supplied with fresh men to relieve guard , if need be .

I am informed by my servant and Mr . Granges , that one about midnight , they were very loud among another ; n and that the like happened about three this morni g , which makes me collect they are n ot yet agreed . They for beg a candle to light their pipes but are denied . r for u s i God His In case a ve dict pass , wh ch grant in own how the best time , the present consideration will be r ma n jury shall be treated . The cou se is usually , each a ll so many guineas , and a common dinner for them . ’ ’ The quantum is at your grace s and my lord s desire . But t o r it seems my poor unde standing , that the dinner might e our u n be spar d , lest watchful enemies sho ld i terpret it HUMOURS OF THE JURY Box 293

: t o against us . It may be ordered thus each man

guineas for his trouble , and each man a guinea over for own his desire . ’ My lord , your Grace s most humble servant , “ H C J O N IN E . — ‘ N 1 0 or 2 0 0 . . B . There must be 5 guineas provided

’ our Into the merits or demerits of jury system , how

is . ever , it not proposed to enter here But these amusing one features connected with the system , make wonder “ ” whether those people who describe it as farcical , are

not quite justified in doing so . At the same time , it is only fair to point out that while many stories have been

told of juries , who , by their ignorance have created a s out amusing scenes in Court , a rule they carry their duties in a manner which must be eminently satisfactory ou to the champi ons of r present judicial system . - ha : As a well known K . C. s remarked While a most interesting b ook might be written on the humours of

British juries , I am convinced from a long experience , on that they do their very best , and with , the whole , ” satisfactory results , to execute justice . It is contended that all juries should be chosen irrespec of tive financial position , for it often happens that a poor man possesses a much higher degree of intelligence than

- - his t o . more well do neighbours In any case , neither c a n be said to have any . particular qualifications to decide ’ technical civil actions , no matter how lucid the counsel s ’ - u is and judge s summing p may be . Here a notable o f of instance the ludicrous attitude a jury . An important Civil action was tried before the late

- elf. Mr . Justice J The judge had devoted many hours -u to a lucid and painstaking summing p of the case , and the jury had Spent half of another day in consultation , when at last they returned into Court , to the manifest of wa . s relief everybody present It only, however , to n ot explain that they could arrive at a decision . What f I f is your di ficulty asked the j udge , impatiently . ” ou y please , your lordship, answered the foreman , tugging 294 HUMOURS OF THE JURY Box

’ we a l l at his forelock , wants to know what this ere case is about Perhaps one of the most amusing verdicts returned by a jury wa s that given in a case in which the pri soner wa s charged with wilful murder . From the evidence it wa s very doubtful whether the deceased died from a blow struck by the accused , for from a purely accidental fall on a doorstep ; and the jury , after grappling with the problem for some hours , delivered this singular verdict We find that the deceased died from a blow ; if the prisoner administered the blow it wa s wilful murder ; if ” a s wa it w the doorstep it s manslaughter . t o In a somewhat similar case , the jury were unable of determine the cause death , and they returned into court with a verdict , delivered by the foreman in this poetic form

Dec ea se ie rom a io en ow d d d f v l t bl . ’ B —b wh m t wa s s c we d n n w y y o tru k o ot k o . As the evidence clearly pointed to the conviction of

the prisoner, the verdict was a surprise to everyone in

Court , and especially to the presiding judge , the late Mr . who his Justice Cave , , with a twinkle in eye , convulsed the Court by saying w his e r ic t wi n ot do ou no . T v d ll , y k ’ ” er So ba c k a ga in you d bet t g o .

As an illustration of the simple -mindedness of some r ju ies , the following would be hard to beat — Unanimous nine to three and not guilty , but n ot t o do we recommend him it again , said one jury , after wa s prolonged deliberation . Though there nothing - who h simple minded about that Nebraska jury , wit out

leaving the box , returned this remarkable verdict We , - one r the jury in the above named case , do not believe wo d the witnesses have sworn to neither do we believe tha t of t any the attorneys have Spoken the truth , nor that hey could do so even if they should care to take the trouble

to try . Some juries find a simple way out of a disagreement

2 96 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

wa s set . r who free by a jury The p isoner , had a very wa s bad record , committed to take his trial at the London r ou t Sessions . The grand jury th ew the bill a gainst the r wh man , g eatly to the surprise of Sir William Hardman , o returned the document to the jury with the suggestion r that p obably some mistake had been made . The fore

man initialed the bill and sent it back . Sir William imagined that the grand j urymen had

reconsidered their previous decision . When called upon wa s to plead , the prisoner declared frankly that he guilty , wa s t o and thereupon remanded , come up for sentence s o later in the day . A minute or afterwards the foreman intimated that his initials on the bill were meant to f r emphasize the original finding o the grand j ury . P isoner r u having been brought back into Court , The g and j ry , Y o e . u said Sir William , b lieve you are innocent have

told us you are guilty . I have no alternative but to dis

charge you from custody . M This calls to mind a remarkable story , told by ajor ’

r . Gene al Sir Alfred E Turner , who , in the eighties , when it s t n a s the Fenian scare was at heigh , was acti g first

A . D . C . and Military Private Secretary to the Viceroy ,

Lord Spencer . wa s dl . . A small lan ord , Mr Creagh , fired at The gun on ex a min used by his assailant exploded , and the police , of ing the spot , found a thumb and a pool blood . On a

search being made , a man was arrested in bed in a neigh

bouring cabin who was minus his thumb . He wa s arrested

r r i . and t ied , making sca cely any attempt to defend h mself ur The judge charged straight for conviction , but the j y r r wa s u promptly acquitted the p isone . The judge f rious and adj ourned the assizes ; but before he left the Bench of of the head constable held up a bottle spirits wine , in wa s his s : which floating a thumb , and asked lord hip r What am I to do with the thumb , my lo d Give

it to the owner , replied the angry Justice ; and the l a bottle , with its contents , was actua ly h nded to the - a would be assassin as he w s leaving the dock . r e r ic The e have b en many serious cases , howeve , in wh h HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX 2 97

juries have acted quite contrary to common reasonin g ’ - r on e and the judge s summing up . The e was case (and the story has been told by the late Baron Brampton) in which the prisoner was charged with a most terrible r mu der , and the evidence was too clear to leave a doubt as

to his guilt .

The jury retired to consider their verdict , and were away so long that the judge sent for them and asked if

there was any point upon which he could enlighten them .

They answered no , and thought they understood the case r pe fectly well . After a great dea l of further discussion they brought ‘ ” of Not Guilt in a verdict y . The judge was angry at so outrageous a violation of l their p —ain duty, and did what he ought not to have done , namely asked the reason they brought In such a verdict , when they knew the culprit was guilty and ought to have

been hanged . ’ s m That s just it , my lord , aid the fore an of this

distinguished body . I assure you we had no doubt ’ about the prisoner s guilt , but we thought there had been so deaths enough in the family lately, and gave him the ” of benefit the doubt . This is equalled by the decision arrived at in a murder

trial in New York City some years ago . A young waitress ’ r married a butche s assistant , and circumstances com ’ pelled her to return temporarily to her parents home at r r she New Jersey . Subsequently etu ning to New York , her r dis found home b oken up , while her husband had ’ appeared . On going to her husband s place of employ r ment , the dese ted wife found him talking to a female who was wearing some clothes belonging to the ra gg rieved

woman . The next day the butcher died from eating a

poisoned cake . The police then ascertained that the r man had three wives , all of whom were ar ested . Two of

r r . these we e released , as the wait ess admitted her guilt r The case was p oved beyond doubt . After a few minutes absence the jury returned into Court and gave a verdict ” ’ of Not Guilty . Prisoner s counsel was naturally 2 98 HUMOURS OF THE JURY Box agreeably surprised at the result . On inquiring of one of the j urors on what ground the woman had been a o him e . quitt d, the reply was It served right Some extraordinary decisions are recorded in the annal s of the Irish Courts . On one occasion in an Irish Court , the on of prisoner pleaded guilty, throwing himself the mercy f u . o the Co rt To the consternation everyone , the j ury found the man Not Guilty . The judge , in utter : ha s a l astonishment , exclaimed Why , the man ready ”

e . : confess d his guilt The foreman replied Ah , my is lord , you do not know that fellow, but we do . He the ri most noto ous liar in the whole country . No twelve men , ” his c a n w . kno ing character, believe a word he says The

j ury obstinately adhered to this decision , and the culprit

escaped . ’ And the following wa s the verdict of a j ury at a coroner s inquest in t he County of Tyrone An unknown fema l e child wa s found in t he house of s 2 6 th 1 0 2 Ann Gillespie , on Tue day, August , 9 , and from the medical testimony produced we are of opinion that n the said unknown female child was living when bor , and ” a s h zie died from p y immediately after death . It is recorded that at a trial in Wales on one occasion of recom the j ury returned a verdict Not Guilty, but we

mend him not to do it again . A rural j ury in England e e once had a prisoner b fore th m charged with burglary , the e and being unwilling to convict him , gave r markable

verdict , Guilty of getting out of the window .

K . C r is . It Mr Gill , . , who tells the sto y of how a j ury on wa s man once turned the tables him . It in a case wa s di years ago , he says , in which I defen ng a man charged with embezzlement and during the prosecuting ’ wa s counsel s address to the j ury, I amused and delighted to find one of their number to all appearances sleeping for tranquilly . Interrupting my opponent a moment , I ’ addressed the judge thus May I draw your lordship s attention to the fact that one of the jury is s o little im ’ pressed by my friend s arguments that he is fast asleep ’ ’ sir Don t you make any mistake , , came like a flash

30 0 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

r advocate . The j udge turned ound to the j ury and gave w - - lo . e ew vent to a and prolonged whistle Whe , he said , or rather whistled . Gentlemen , consider your verdict . This is probably the shortest and most in b t elligi le example on record . There was also an occasion when a prisoner was tried - for before Mr . Justice Hawkins in an assize town stea l ing wa s a ham . The day extremely hot counsel were unusually long-winded and the ham perspired in a crowded Court . When at last the time arrived for the -u judicial summing p , his lordship , concealing a yawn with is his hand , said There , gentlemen , the prisoner and

is . there , gentlemen , the ham Consider your verdict , an epitome of the case which sent the jury into explosions of laughter . As an example of sarcastic summing -up the following o wa s deserves to be placed n r ecord . A man charged before Justice Lawson with stealing a pig . The evidence of the wa s theft was quite conclusive , and , in fact , not combated but the prisoner called the priests and neigh i bours to attest to h s good character . Gentlemen of the jury , said the judge , I think the only conclusion you can arrive at is that the pig was stolen by the of prisoner , and that he is one the nicest men in the country . t oo There are occasions , however , when a judge can be r subtle in his humour . Lord Bowen once add essed a Welsh jury thus in regard to a flagrant case of burglary If you believe that the prisoner considered the housetops r the proper place for an evening stroll , and that his desi e to inspe ct the interior of the house wa s but a natura l and u his excusable one , you will acq it him , and will approve conduct in showing so much consideration a s to ta ke off f ” his boots for fear o disturbing the sleepers . The j ury were delighted at this humorous presentment of the case ’ — his and , to lordship s consternation , promptly returned a verdict of Not Guilty . i of -u u e Talk ng summings p and instructions to j ri s . of ft r tradition says that in the wilds Cornwall the j ury , a e HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX 30 1

e who a murder trial , was thus address d by a clerk had mislaid the form of oath and endeavoured to repeat it r r f om memory . Taken down by an ente prising junior , it ra n as follows You shall keep this jury in some private

or . inconvenient place; without meat , drink , fire clothing Y o u n ot f t o on e r shall su fer them to speak another , neithe s t o hall you speak to them yourself , except tell them what

' r ou God thei verdict should be . So help y ’ Referring for a moment t o Judge Foster s unique r add ess to the grand jury , it might be mentioned that at that period it was the custom for the jurymen to stand r the whole time the judge was add essing them . n ot While some judges , however, did always insist upon ‘ ‘ ” of the due Observance this standing rule , Lord Esk grove was remarkable for the fact that on no occasion rm wa s would he pe it it to be disregarded . He also r rema kable for his tediousness . Says Lord Cockburn Often have I gone ba Ck to the Court at midnight and found him whom I had left mumbling hours before still talking on t o the smoky tallow candles in greasy tin candlesticks and the poor , despondent jurymen , while of the other portion his audience were asleep , the wagging ’ of his lordship s nose and chin being the chief Sign that he wa s r still cha ging . The average juryman is n ot very well versed in the fine distinctions Of the law . On those he needs instruction r s r f om the judge . It must have been a very obtu e ju y

’ t o n ot r man , however, whom the case was perfectly clea after listening t o the following explanation by a judge in the Far West r Gentlemen , he stated , with admi able lucidity,

r - a mu der is Where man is murderously killed . The Now . b killer in such a case is a murderer , murder y r poison is just as much murder as mu der with a gun , pistol , or knife . It is the simple a ct of murdering that c on ’ st it ut es r of Don mu der In the eye the law . t let the idea of murder and manslaughte r confound you Murder is on e h t ing manslaughter is quite another . Consequently, n ot n if there has been a murder, and it is ma slaughter , 30 2 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

’ e then it must be murder . Don t let this point scape you . - Self murder has nothing to do with this case . Accord t o B on e ing lackstone , and other legal writers , man cannot commit felo-de-se upon another ; and this is my i i op n on . e Gentlem n , murder is murder . The murder of a brother is called fratricide, the murder of a father is ’ called parricide , but that don t enter into this case . As

I have said before , murder is emphatically murder . You c will onsider your verdict , gentlemen and make di i not up your minds accor ng to the law and the ev dence , the forgetting explanation I have given you . ’ Judge Ren t oul s summing-up on one occa sion to a third jury was enlivened with a little story . He begged

e . them , if they could , to come to an agre ment Gentle ” or of men , he said, if there are ten eleven you who are of one one or of opinion , and two who are the other, those one or two may well sa y to themselves Here are ten intelligent men who have heard the same as I have , and are just as well qual ified as I am to form a n opinion May it n ot be that they are right and I am wrong ? And then he went on I remember a case in which the judge had formed a very strong opinion of the g uilt of the con prisoner , so strong that he summed up dead for a viction B , and expressed his opinion very plainly . y - d and bye the jury came back , and said they disagree . By some mistake they let out that they were eleven one one one r way and the other, and the judge asked the ju y man how he presumed to persist in his opinions when who eleven , had just as good opportunities as he had , ’ s were all agreed to the contrary . Well , my lord , aid a the jurym n , I am the only one who agrees with your ’ lordship . t oo z ha s This obdurate , if ealous , juror had many fellows , of whom some amusing stories are told . A of elf on friend Mr . Justice J was once serving a special l jury , whose de iberations threatened to be protracted till one u e the Greek kalends by the obstinacy of of their n mb r . ’ t o wa d ri Thinking while a y the time , the ju ge s f end lit a

39 4 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

The man departed , and the j udge learnt the next day that he wa s the undertaker ! k who l a l A Da ota j udge , also fol owed the c ling of a r so veterina y surgeon , was not easily imposed upon . A farmer came before him and asked t o be excused from r a s r on r e se ving a ju yman the plea that he had a sick ho s . I s r ro it your sorrel ma e inquired the judge , his p fession a l of instinct getting the better his judicial dignity .

Yes , your honour, replied the man . for Then the Court will adj ourn an hour, said the r j udge . I know something that will cu e that mare inside of twenty minutes . r a cc om The judge linked a ms with the j uryman , and , a nied ff p by the prosecuting attorney , the sheri and the prisoner , whom the sheriff would not leave behind , they wa s d a s sought the indisposed animal . The judge as goo r his word . He duly fixed up the ma e , and the farmer repaid his kindness by Officiating on the j ury for the rest of the day . r of wa s Judge Lo d , Massachusetts , equally keen in ’ ur men dealing with j y s excuses . a i i Judge , s d a summoned j uryman one day, I th nk r I ought to be excused . I have business he e and there , i am overwhelmed w th it , and my physician says I ought ” wl a n d to have a change . Well , this i l be a change , will do you good . - sum On another occasion an able looking man , when moued as a juror , said Judge , if you keep me here as a juror you will stop five hundred men from What is your business ? I am a contractor for r ff of d iving piles , and am driving them in di erent parts ” ” r the city . Well , sir , said Judge Lo d , suppose you - ou t had a pile driving case against y in this Cour , and I u should s mmon in twelve loafers to try your case , how should you like it He took his seat . ’ Another American a necodot e regarding j urymen s of th e excuses concerns Chief Justice Parsons , same d n a nd State . One day he was hol i g Court , his nephew a s o f r l w one the juro s . The Court took a regu ar inter HUMOURS OF THE JURY Box 39 5

’ t o mission from one two o clock , and when the Court for came in the nephew did not appear half an hour .

Then he came in quite breathless . Judge Parsons said : is for to him Mr . Juror , what your excuse keeping the Court and oflicers and twenty-three jurors waiting ou an hour The juror said , May it please y honour , sa t after dinner I down and accidentally fell asleep , but ” as soon as I awoke I came with all the speed I could .

Mr . Clerk , said the Chief Justice , fine him ten dollars . ” of I did not dream that , said the juror . You may

remit the fine , said the Chief Justice . r or Mo e less humour , however, is always to be extracted from the excuses made by summoned jurors not wishing i his r s . to se ve . Here a typical scene in Court Enter who lordship , the judge , , after bowing courteously to his the members of the Bar and assembled jurors , takes

seat .

My lord , begins the clerk , the following gentlemen desire to be excused from serving ’ r of He e the list the scuse division is called over , r on and , having been completed , the fi st the roll takes

his place in the witness box and is duly sworn . From the self-sa t isfied way i n which he kisses the book it is

evident that he is pretty sure his excuse will be accepted , i which turns out to be the case , as , hav ng tendered to the

judge a slip of paper , the latter , after a casual glance , — at once releases him said slip of paper being probably ’ either a medical man s certificate or a declaration that

the juror is legally exempt from serving on a jury , and

that he should not have been summoned . f Number two is a totally di ferent type . If he serves on a jury it will be the means of taking him away from of fl a s his business (that a orist) , and , just now the season it s c is at height , considerable pecuniary loss will a crue .

The objection is considered fair and reasonable , and he is courteously informed that he will be excused but almost b ha s ou efore he had time to get out the Thank y , my his lord , which is ready on his lips , satisfaction at having got off so easily is somewhat clamped by being asked U 30 6 HUMOURS OF THE JURY BOX

What is your slack time of the year and on giving the information asked for he is informed that he will be summoned then The next three or four excuse themselves on the ground of b eing above the age (sixty years) , one of being below — under twenty- one a n d another on the score of deafness each and all which are held to be valid . Then comes r i a wo king man , who creates some amusement by declar ng ’ ” his that he can t leave missus , and , on being asked to his is explain , goes on to state that business that of a r s l laund yman , and in his absence the work is at a tandsti l .

His excuse is held to be a reasonable one , as is also that of ’ who schola rd a man declares he ain t no , and that ’ ’ t wouldn t be proper for him to be on a j ury in other of is s cases pressure business put forward , but in mo t cases an investigation proves the same to be not quite f u -be r su ficient cause , and the wo ld excuse has to take his place with the lefts although commercial travellers who can show that their route has been arranged and that their presence in certain towns within the next few days a l has ready been advised , are allowed to absent them selves . One man (a valet) gravely announces that his master cannot possibly get on without him ; and another (an artist) as solemnly avers that if he is torn away for even a few days from the work of art on which he is engaged 1 l the inspiration () wi l have left him , and that the work of many weeks past will be completely wasted yet an other urges that he has conscientious scruples in regard to the matter . f s i Many are a flicted with deafne s , which they fear m ght seriously interfere with their hearing the evidence ; and some three or four are represented by the wives of their a flida vit bosoms , who make that their spouses are totally unable to be present for the very valid reason that t hey are not in England at all . In each case careful considera the f in tion and attention is given to excuse o fered , and the majority of instances the same is duly accepted .

By degrees the long list is at length got through , the

HUMOURS OF FAMOUS WILLS AMUSING BEQUE STS OF SPITE FUL

’ 3 1 2 HUMOURS OF FAMOUS LAWYERS WILLS

’ or so a s one of , is entitled to rank the lawyers most profitable friends ; for home-made wills have often led ha s to litigation , long fought out , which proved a small fortune to many a lawyer . But what is t o be said of a lawyer who draws up his own of i will , and makes such a hash it that costly l tigation follows . Many are the suggestions made a s to the cause i u of these remarkable c rc mstances . One suggestion is a s that lawyers love a j oke much as anyone , and better, is dr a n d because their profession so y, a bit of humour of is like a ray sunshine to their hearts . Therefore they make an imperfect will as a last joke on their profession . Another suggestion is that some lawyers deliberately choose to leave a will in such a way that it is bound to so s come before the Courts , and get settled certain point which the deceased thought strongly ought to be settled . Which is certainly hard lines on the relatives and bene s see ficia rie . They the estate slowly vanishing in law

of the . costs , and enriching the brother lawyers deceased As of a n e a matter fact , however, there is actual cas on record of a lawyer who purposely framed his will so that its ambiguity should give rise to several fine legal is questions that he had never been able t o answer . Th ’ of was Sir John Maynard , King s Sergeant in the reign so Charles II . His object was attained , for many disputes a l Ac t of arose among his heirs , that eventually a speci

Parliament was passed disposing of his property . An amusing comment was made by Lord Mansfield on one of s l the most curiou wi ls ever made by a lawyer , of viz . , that Sir Joseph Jekyll , Master Of the Rolls , who bequeathed his fortune to pay off the National Debt . a n s Lord M sfield , in dealing with the case , aid that he might as well have attempted to stop the middle arch ” - of Blackfriars Bridge with his full bottom wig . He ' therefore set the will aside on the groun d that the testator s patriotic intentions were proof of his menta l weakness . Th e n a l w on wa s most confusi g leg ill record , perhaps , of 1 0 who that Lord Grimthorpe , who died in 9 5 , and , long before he succeeded to the title , earned distinction BEQUESTS OF SPITEFUL TESTATORS 3 1 3

C. I . n at the Bar as Mr . Edmund Beckett Denison , Q ciden t a ll t o y it might be mentioned that , in addition being a distinguished lawyer, the late Lord Grimthorpe was a clever architect , scientist and theologian , with a weakness for clock designing . As a matter of fact , he t he the superintended construction of Big Ben , upon outer rim of which his name figures in the inscription . ’ Lord Grimthorpe s estate was valued at two millions sterling , and his will contained no fewer than fourteen contradictory codicils , which the Probate Court were obliged to investigate very carefully before it could be a i proved . It took nearly two years to obt n probate , of the will being a unique example original , independent , the and dogmatic individuality . In the framing of will r of no fewe than words were used , and many the codicils are written on mere scraps of paper , headed of : Another codicil to my will . One these read I revoke the bequest of for the York Minster rest ora tion , as the people Of Yorkshire are rich enough to look after their own cathedral . The fourth codicil was written on the back Of a circular convening an extra ordinary general meeting of a tea company another was scribbled on the back of a letter addressed t o Lord

Grimthorpe by a photographer, and another appeared on the back of a circular announcing a dinner of the

Hardwicke Society . of th 1 0 1 The will itself bore the date February 9 , 9 , and be of 1 0 fore the end December , 9 3 , the testator had added -five s of of twenty codicil , some them contradictory each of other and the original document . But if Lord Grim of i thorpe had ordered a new will at the date the last cod cil , it would have been easy enough to put his intentions into a simple arrangement , such as that which it ultimately took two years for the Court to make .

But Lord St . Leonards and Lord Grimthorpe were but of two a number of distinguished lawyers and judges , who failed to draw up their wills correctly . When Judge 1 1 1 Francis Bacon died in June , 9 , he left a fortune of on But the will , made a sheet of blue court ’ 3 1 4 HUMOURS OF FAMOUS LAWYERS WI LLS i l foolscap , conta ned several alterations, and inter ineations or w which were not signed itnessed , the consequence being that before probate wa s gra n ted careful lega l in sti s ve g a tion had t o be made . Four years ago there was considerable difficulty in

K . C. proving the will of Mr . Henry George Allen , The wa s hi s own - r will written throughout in hand writing , ve y d f for i ficult to read , portions having to be fair copied of d registration , while three the co icils were necessary for the correction of errors and the elucidation of doubtful f points in the will itself . Then there wa s the case o Lord

. a s St Helier, better known , perhaps , Sir Francis Jeune , 1 0 l so con who died in 9 5 , and whose wil contained many

' fusing codi cils that it occupied the Court for some con id ra ble r f s e . or n a n time It was discove ed , i st ce , among

other things , that his lordship had left a legacy to a clerk who had been dead ten years . S 8 2 e his A a s 1 . far back 9 , Lord St Helier had draft d will and sent it to his solicitors t o have a fair copy made of him it . This copy was soon after executed by , and ’ was left in his solicitor s possession . The original draft wa s wa s burnt , and another copy of the executed will di furnished to Lord St . Helier . Some spute having arisen a nd i between him his brother , he executed a fresh w ll , d wa s f r 1 8 2 . o dated June 3 , 9 It composed seven num of 1 6 bered sheets foolscap . Numbers , 3 , 5 , and were of a the sheets that formed part the will executed in Janu ry , 1 8 2 s 2 - r n of 9 , while sheet , 4 , and 7 were in the hand w iti g ’ wa s the testator s clerk . This patchwork composition , after careful inquiry and sifting , passed by the Court , mainly because of the high cha racter of the witnesses who ’ a s spoke to the testator s intentions . a a n d Probably the real expl nation , an explanation u which will , at any rate , account for a large n mber of is these imperfect wills left by lawyers , that they grow for is careless when acting themselves . When a lawyer s a l l acting for a client , it is e senti that he shou d take the

. is u so greatest care in his work In fact , he bo nd to do , otherwise he might find himself liable to an action for

’ 3 1 6 HUMOURS OF FAMOUS LAWYERS WILLS

m s : be l co mence I queath to Ceci ie , Countess of Dorset , my u - a s most virtuous , faithf l and dearly loved wife , not any of recompense her infinite merit towards me , who , for f incomparable love , zeal , and hearty a fection ever showed for so unto me , and those her rare , reverent , and many v of irtues charity, modesty, fidelity, humility, secrecy , wisdom , patience , and a mind replete with all piety and n e do good ess , which ev rmore shall and abound in her, t o deserveth be honoured , loved, and esteemed above all of transitory wealth and treasure this world , and , there of ca n fore , by no price earthy riches by me be valued , or m recompensed , requitted ; to her, therefore , my ost - — a s sa virtuous , faithful , and entirely loved wife not , I y, a s of a recompense , but as a true token and testimony my f r unspeakable love , a fection , estimation , and reve ence , long since fixed and settled in my heart a n d soul towards her , I give , etc . s Mention , by the way , might also be made of the curiou w of - il a hi ill an old black letter Serjeant , W li m Hall , w ch ’ a l certainly suggests the testator s m evolence , if not i t o insanity . After other bequests , it went on I g ve his a d that vile wretch , Samuel Hall ( nephew) , who I mitt ed his of the Temple , many years since , but he sold him r gown , and in seven years I could never get to chu ch but once , and twice he assaulted me , and at the time he had certainly killed me if by God ’ s providence I had not - e e the by a maid servant b en thrown against a gr at fire , sum of ten shillings to be pa i d to him every Monday upon w s s ft request , and I ish that the fir t food he take a er my death will choke him . And how the lawyers must have grinned over the wills —chiefl e s of other Spiteful testators y henp cked husband , who prepared posthumous whips for wives by vindictive clauses in their wills . As for thirty years my wife has never los t an oppor t unit the y of lashing me with her tongue , ran a codicil in i of a o a nd w ll a Liverpool merchant of a generation g , l making me the butt of her vu gar wit , I bequeath to her 00 so a s l sa an annuity of £3 , long she ives under the me BEQUESTS OF SPITEFUL TESTATO RS 31 7

is a s roof with her mother, whose tongue as poisonous her own sh she , and whom e hates as cordially as does me ; and so long as mother and daughter together visit my on of grave the first day each month , and in the presence or his un of my solicitor, deputy, express regret for the ” happiness they have caused me . f In another similar case o a disappointed husband , his revenge was voiced in these words When I remember that the only happy times I ever enj oyed were when my wife sulked with me , and when I remember that my hi married life might , for t s reason , be considered to have been a fairly happy one because she wa s nearly always o c on sulking , I am constrained t o forget the repulsi n the t em la tion p of her face inspired me with , and leave her the sum of on condition that she undertakes t o pass two hours a day at my graveside for the ten years follow

ing my decease , in company with her sister , whom I have ” reason to know she loathes worse than she does myself . d During my married life , wrote another disillusione wa s husband , I have always declared that my wife the

dearest woman in the world , and I am convinced that , should anyone be rash enough to marry her after my death her so To r e he will find . dete , as far as possible , anyon ” making such a ruinous experiment I leave her nothing . Vanity appears to have been the besetting sin of the who of wife of another testator, left her the sum to be increased to provided that after his death ’ she ca she wore a widow s p , which in his lifetime had

stoutly declared she never would wear . My widow. the wrote husband, would please me greatly by doing ” this , as I think it would suit her . The good lady, how a s - a s she ever , was sharp witted was vain , for after wearing the odious c a p for six months she boldly claimed

the increased legacy . The matter was brought before ’ of a Court Law, and to the widow s delight , judgment wa s given in her favour on the ground that the testator had omitted to stipulate that the c a p s hould be worn

always . The week after this decision wa s given the W wa s triumphant idow once more a wife . ’ 3 1 8 HUMOURS OF FAMOUS LAWYERS WILLS

wa s ff It probably j ealousy , rather than a ection; that inspired the following clause in a will preserved at Somer set House : Having expiated the errors of a single life of one l by the sorrows a married , I now make my wil in

. w the full belief that you will outlive me There are wido s , my love , and there are widows . Some rej oice , and some r a r do not . Those that do are a disc editable lot . The b e idea of your j oining their ranks is so distasteful that t o damp any glee you may feel at my death , I leave you 1 0 r of 1 00 £ a yea instead the £ you expected . a l h a s r Je ousy led to other st ange wills . A short time Mr i s s e ago a . William Claghorn d ed in America , po se s d of r wa s in ordin about and a p etty wife . Of her he l a ll ately j ea ous . He left her his money, however , but stipulated that she should forfeit £ 2 00 of the estate ea ch i 2 00 time she appeared in publ c unveiled , and another £ do each time she smiled at a man . I further order that for she every time dances with a man , goes to any gather w ing for entertainment , amusement , or instruction ith a r r man , that the same sum shall be fo feited , and , furthe , r endea rrnent that if she do pe mit any caress or fashion of ,

be forfeited . a l who As a contrast , one might mention the we thy man left not a single penny to his widow unless within the a a a se space of five years she m rried ag in , in which c he bequeathed to her the sum of My object in is making this proviso , continued the testator , that some other man may know from experience somethin g of ffi i ” the di culties I have found from liv ng with her .

32 0 INDEX

a r Mr. r 1 . as A a 1 6 H die, Kei , 5 l n, 3 . - a r a Sir a 2 . w 2 2 8 1 0 1 2 2 H dm n, Willi m, 97 . 5 . 9 3. 7 . 3 . 38 Hea l 1 1 - 6 6 - 6 6 Mr. T 1 . 2 2 2 . , imothy, 5, 94 9 ed y k M 2 2 0 P c erwic L . a r u 0 0 , , 4 5 , 5 sons, Chief J stice , 3 4 , 3 5 .

r r r a es 8 0 P r r u 2 0 . He efo d, Lo d J m of, ete bo o gh, Bishop of,

H erma nd r 1 6 8 1 6 . Philhmore r u 2 . , Lo d , , 9 , Lo d J stice , 3 - H uddlestone a r 8 8 8 1 0 2 . P ML 6 1 6 2 8 . , B on, 7 , , lowden , , 9 , , 3 7 , 7 Mr 1 1 H u r 2 2 u e 0 rd 1 . . 2 . Pl nk t t L ghes, Spence Leigh, , , 4 Hux r 1 1 2 1 - 2 Pr 1 . P k r Ba r ley, ofesso , 9 , 9 olloc , Lo d Chief on, 9 9 .

a A r 2 0 6 2 0 . u n ur Ma r ui 1 J ckson , nd ew, , 7 Q ee sb y, q s of, 55 .

Sir ose h 1 2 . Jekyll, p , 3 elf Mr ustice xx 8 2 2 R a rd 8—0 2 8 2 x J . . 39 . 9 . 99 . 93 . 94 . e ding. Lo . 4 5. 4 5 . 5 . 3 . 7

0 2 0 R d d Mr. ohn x 3 3 3 e mon , J , s r A r 2 1 ro D . R u 2 1 0 . Je me , ist ict tto ney, 4 eed, J dge, — Sir r 1 2 1 R u Mr u 1 0 8 0 2 02 . Jessel, Geo ge, 3 , 33 . ento l, . J stice , , 3 , 3

Mr. 1 6 . R r u 0 . Jones, Leif, igby, Lo d J stice , 4

R n u 1 6 . obinso , J dge , 7

Ra r 1 . R r 2 . imes , Lo d, 57 obson, Lo d , 37 , 5 - r 1 6 1 6 6 . R r R . 8 11 r 0 2 . . R Kellie , Lo d, 5 , ome , t Hon obe t, 4 4

da . R r . Ken l, 55 omilly, Lo d, 95 - Ken ori a r 1 2 8 1 1 . R r r y , B on, 3 osebe y , Lo d, 4 9 rr r Ru a rd a 1 8 1 8 Sir . Ke , Commissione , ssell, How Willi m , 3 , 4 R 8 0 1 8 1 6 1 62 r us Ru z Sir A r . Killowen, Lo d sell of, 39 , , 9 94 , t en, lbe t de, , 3 5

a r 1 1 1 2 . S ndwich , Lo d , 5 , 5

a Mr 1 . r L mb , . , 55 Sc iven ,

a r Mr 1 . ur r L ngfo d, . , 39 Selbo ne , Lo d , 5 8 0 8 1 - 8 - n r Sir a 1 2 L a wren ce M1 . u . a ! a , J stice, , 4 Sh dwell, ice Ch cello L ncelot, 4 - a Mr. u 00 . Sir 2 . L wson, J stice, 3 Simon, John, 5 54

Mr a k 1 . r a 1 . Lee, . J c , 53 Sleigh, Se je nt , 37

Sir r 2 1 . Mr us tice A. L . . Lewis, Geo ge, 9 Smith, . J , 99 — 8 2 le u r. . E . . 1 0 2 2 8 . L it tleda M F . 2 , J dge, Smith , (K C 3 , 5 5 , , 3 1 2 6 Mr u i o Sir Fra k 2 2 . Lockwo d , n , , 5 , 7, Stephen , J st ce , 9 3 r r 2 2 8 1 1 St . Helie , Lo d, , , 3 4 .

1 2 0 rd r 1 1 . r u 2 . a Lo d, J dge , , 3 4 St . Leon s, Lo d, 3 — - L oreburn r 2 0 2 ra Sir D u a 1 6 . , Lo d, St ight, o gl s, 9 , 54 5 ' 6 6 Mi . . . mmons Mr . A 2 2 . a a . S . Lovel nd Lovel nd, (K C 53 , 54 y , J 3 , 4 5 , 4 r Mr Lowthe , . , 37 .

- Ma cna hte n rd 1 1 . 1 66 1 6 . g , Lo , 4 5 4 7 , 7 a fi r 1 2 1 2 8 1 2 1 2 1 . M ns eld, Lo d , 7, , 5 , 3 , 3 5 - a r Ba r n 1 2 1 1 1 . M tin, o , 3 , 39 4

Mr u 2 . a . 3 M tthew, J stice, 9 , 9 6 a w Sir ha r 6 1 8 . !a u a r a 1 1 3 . M the s, C les, 3 , 9 gh n , Se je nt, 3 5, - - a u Mr. u 1 2 1 2 2 2 2 2 . M le , J stice, 3 7 , 7 74 , 99

Mr u 0 . M 1 2 a . a a r Sir . yn d, John , 3 W lton , J stice , 9

a a k r 1 6 . W elldon 2 Me dowb n , Lo d, 5 , Bishop ,

Mr a m . 1 0 1 1 0 . M 1 6 1 . . r 9 , elville , Lo d , 5 , 57 West, Wyndh (Q C

r r r a 1 1 . W estbur r 1 1 1 . Me ewethe , Se je nt, 34 , 3 5 y, Lo d , 4 4 3 Merse r 0 ° W ha rt on Mr , 1 37 , 1 38 . y, Lo d, 39 . 9 , ' N Kea n Mr a r 2 8 . , . Ch les, ' M Na ll Mr P r 1 8 y, . ete , 7 . M rri u 1 8 6 6 . . 3 5. 3 . 7 o s, J dge, 4

N o r 1 6 6 . ewt n , Lo d,

Mr T o a 2 1 1 . i u 1 2 . N a . ol n , h m s, Will s , J e , 3 - — N r ur r 1 1 1 1 1 . Mr. us tice 8 1 8 7 8 8 0 . o b y, Lo d, 3 5, 79 Wills, , , , 9

’ O Brien ML 1 . Y v r on a ron 1 88 1 8 . , , 5 el e t , B , , 9 ’ - - O co a 1 1 1 8 0 1 8 . Y ou r 1 6 0 1 6 2 . nnell, D niel, 73, 74 , 4 ng, Lo d,