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THE EXPEDITIONER BOOKS THE EXPEDITIONER’S GUIDE TO THE WORLD Intrepid Tales of Awesomeness from the Open Road EDITORS ___________________ Matt Stabile Luke Maguire Armstrong Jon Wick THE EXPEDITIONER BOOKS A DIVISION OF THE EXPEDITIONER, LLC BROOKLYN ● 2010 THE EXPEDITIONER BOOKS [email protected] All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. All stories in this books are used with the permission of the authors and/or their rights holders who retain all copyrights. Copyright © 2010 The Expeditioner LLC Cover photographs clockwise from top left: Antichita by Erin Goldberger ([email protected]); Buenos Aires by Matt Stabile; Mystic Morning by Marian van der Ree ([email protected]; www.columbusmagazine.nl.reisreporter/vlinder/home.html); Streetside Geisha by Jon Wick. Back cover photograph: Somewhere Under Heaven by Craig Kassover ([email protected]) Spine Photograph: On Top of the World by Luke Maguire Armstrong Chapter silhouette graphics by Jon Wick For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact the publisher at the email address listed above. ISBN 978-1456389529 Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow- mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. – Mark Twain CONTENTS Introduction by the Editors iii I. GETTING STARTED STEVE BRAMUCCI, Lessons from Middle Earth: How to Use a Guidebook Without Letting it Ruin Your Trip 3 DAVID FARLEY, How to Write a Bad Travel Story !! 8 LUKE MAGUIRE ARMSTRONG, London: Your Guide to Leaving the City $150 Richer Than When You Came! !!!!!! 12 RYAN ANDREWS, Down and Out in Delhi 16 J. D. SMITH, Andante 25 II. LIFE ON THE ROAD CARRIE THOMPSON, Thirteen Ways to Get Kicked Out Of A Hostel 31 AMANDA PRESSNER, The Garden of Eatin’ 36 JOHN M. EDWARDS, Java Journey 42 ANDREW POST, Korean Barber 50 CAMILLE VEGA, Forget Spring Break in Cancun, We're Heading to Copenhagen 54 III. LOVE ON THE ROAD CARRIE THOMPSON, The Eight Types of Travel Romances 61 CANDICE WALSH, My Fake France Romance 66 KAREN DION, Travels in the Water Trade 70 IV. ROADBLOCKS KATHERINE LONSDORF, An Unexpected Trip 77 MATT STABILE, That Time I Caught Malaria in Africa 83 SUZANNA MOGER, Roman Misadventure 108 V. THE UNBEATEN PATH STEPHEN BUGNO, My First Nights in Nablus 111 CAMDEN LUXFORD, Remembering Kosovo 114 JON WICK, The DMZ: Travel to the Most Dangerous Place on Earth 117 MATT STABILE, Colombia Calling 122 HIMALI SOIN, An Imbalance 138 ERIN GOLDBERGER, Babcia 143 VI. THE PROBLEM WITH BORDERS JETT THOMASON, Working Notes from Rwanda 147 LUKE MAGUIRE ARMSTRONG, To Cuba, With Love 153 KESSE-SKY BUCHANAN, Kenyan Politics 164 REBECCA MUELLER, The Storming of Tskhinvali in Three Acts 169 OLIVIA ARIETI,A Farewell to Africa 177 VII. NEVER-ENDING TRIPS JON WICK, Seven Truths You Won’t Hear About Teaching English Abroad 181 STEPHANIE RUSSELL-KRAFT, Paris Undresses 187 PATRICIA ARMSTRONG, Disco Dancing to Devil Music in the Marshall Islands !!!!!!!!!!!!! 192 MARK ARMSTRONG, If You´re Alive, How Could I Have Poisoned You? """"""""""""""" 200 VIII. THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED HEATHER CARREIRO, Traveling Pakistan’s Karakoram Highway !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 223 BRIT WEAVER, Itchy Feet Syndrome !!!!!!! 227 JONATHAN CAMPION, Strangers on the Night Train to Kyiv!! !!!!!!! 233 J.D. SMITH, Travelogue!!!!!!!!!!! 243 IX. ZEN AND THE ART OF OBTAINING THE ELUSIVE TRAVEL EPIPHANY LUCY CORNE, Nine Weird Things You Miss When You’re Not on the Road!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 249 BRIT WEAVER, A Shift in Patagonia""""""" 255 DAVID FARLEY, The Luxury of Solitude!!!!!!! 270 JEFFREY TANENHAUS, Farewell, Passport!!!!!! 276 THE INTREPID EDITORS Matt Stabile is the founder, editor-in-chief, and principal benefactor of the online travel magazine, TheExpeditioner.com. Hailing from Colorado, Matt attended school in Connecticut and graduate school in Pennsylvania. He now calls Brooklyn, New York, home. Beside running TheExpeditioner.com and traveling as often as possible, Matt spends his time putting together books like this one, watching nature documentaries and foreign films on Netflix, and sleeping. Usually in that order. Luke Maguire Armstrong set off hitchhiking after college from Chile to Alaska. He made it as far as Guatemala where he directs the educational development organization Nuestros Ahijados in a mission to “break the chains of poverty through education and formation.” His is the author of iPoems for the Dolphins to Click Home About and is in the process of finding a publisher for his first novel, How One Guitar Will Save the World. Jon Wick was pulled by the education universe from his home in Wisconsin to Iowa, Alaska, and finally into an elementary position in Montana. He entered the realm of travel writing while on sabbatical teaching English in Korea. You can find Jon at TheExpeditioner.com as the Managing Editor and in-house bike mechanic, authoring the series of QWick Guides for Montana trails, and pursuing his Master’s Degree in Technical Communication at Montana Tech. i ii DISCOVER THE WORLD This book begins with general information about getting started on your trip, then launches into strategically ordered chapters divided by groups of pieces that have a common theme. This was the result of the Editors (Matt Stabile, Luke Maguire Armstrong, and Jon Wick) realizing, late one night, that doing so would probably be a good idea. The tabs on the side of the book should help you navigate, or completely confuse you. COVERAGE LAYOUT We begin with pieces that may be helpful to you before your trip, like how not to get kicked out of a hostel, the benefits of smuggling contraband into foreign countries, and why you should always listen to your taxi driver in Delhi for advice on accommodations. We then head out into the world, making our way through the happier parts of travel, like finding love (even if it’s fake) on the road, and getting the best haircut on the Korean Peninsula this side of the DMZ. From there we head off the beaten path and explore the lesser discussed parts of travel, like getting assaulted by taxi drivers and catching near fatal diseases in sub- tropical countries. We end our coverage by looking back at all we learned during our trip, like why glaciers are great places to make friends, and how disco music is universally accepted as the music of the devil. TRANSPORTATION INFO Transportation can be a little tricky in the world. Be prepared for massive landslides, highly turbulent airplanes, and introspective train rides through former Soviet states. Also, always remember to iii bring loose change. WHEN TO GO Anytime, really, is a good time to travel. However, certain times are optimal. For example, try visiting politically unstable nations during their election season, countries in need of ESL teachers when you don’t want to get a real job at home, and frigid Nordic countries during Spring Break. Not doing so will result in you having very uninteresting stories when you return. WHAT TO EAT The world has a rich culinary history, and there is no shortage of options of foods to try, but we recommend the following: poison fish on remote islands that will assuredly find you everlasting love, and fresh pineapple in Kenya that will help you make friends. And if you travel to Indonesia, you must try at least eight varieties of coffee, or you may as well not even bother visiting. WHAT TO DO The world offers activities for travelers with all types of interests, including those looking to improve their fashion sense in France, to those looking to say goodbye to their grandmother in Cuba. However, whatever you do, don’t miss out on hiking questionably safe trails in Colombia, visiting what is widely regarded as the most dangerous place on Earth, or exploring one of the world’s most crowded cities in an effort to find some peace. There are also some quaint villages with breathtaking views to explore that will make for some great subjects to write about upon your return. INTERNET RESOURCES There are many travel web sites we recommend, many of which we’ve plundered (mostly with permission) for both articles and iv authors to fill this offline collection of travel pieces printed on dead trees called a “book.” Some of our favorites include World Hum (WorldHum.com), BootsnAll (BootsnAll.com), Matador Network (MatadorNetwork.com), and, of course, our own The Expeditioner (TheExpeditioner.com), without whose moral support, staff, resources, and questionable legitimacy, this book would not have been possible. v THE EXPEDITIONER’S GUIDE TO THE WORLD STORY Since its founding in 2008 by Matt Stabile, The Expeditioner has grown to become one of the leading online travel magazines for the independent, active traveler. Featuring original content from the best up-and-coming and established travel writers in the field, The Expeditioner is also home to the writings of contributing editors Jon Wick, Luke Maguire Armstrong, Brit Weaver, and Maria Russo. After some serious head scratching, doomed Skype conferences, and late-night emails, early in 2010, we here at The Expeditioner decided to do what any good online publication does after a period of time: revert to print and publish our very own book. Our goal was simple and purposely broad: to produce a creative, offbeat, edgy group of travel pieces that stands out from the run-of-the-mill travel anthology (no offense to run-of- the-mill travel anthology publishers). If you would like to be considered for publication in next year’s edition, we will be accepting submissions in all formats (long articles, short articles, poems, haikus).