What Self-Compassion Is Not

What Self-Compassion is Not

Self-Compassion is not self-pity. Self-pity exaggerates personal suffering and emotional drama. Individuals tend to ignore their connections with others and become self-immersed in their own sufferings forgetting others have similar struggles. Self-Compassion, allows us to see the related experiences of ourselves through our Common Humanity and circumvent feelings of isolation and disconnection. Being Self-Compassionate allows us to adopt an objective more balanced assessment, recognizing the broader human context and putting things in greater perspective; “I am having difficulty but there are many who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps I can appreciate the good that could come of this…”

Self-Compassion is not self-indulgence. Self-indulgence relates to unrestrained gratification of ones appetites, desires or whims. Just giving yourself things that bring you immediate satisfaction may harm your long term well-being. Being self-indulgent can lead to a host of behaviors that can ultimately lead to destructive behavior, displeasure and self-criticism. Self-indulgence feeds the fear of failure and is exacerbated by self-criticism. Self-criticism meets failure with harsh self-judgement.

When you have Self-Compassion, you’ll trust that failures will be met with Self-Kindness and support; remembering that failure is part of life and there are lessons to be learned from mistakes. Self-Compassion enhances motivation and creates space to be happy and healthy in the long term. When we demonstrate Self-Kindness, we desire to make changes because we care about ourselves and want to alleviate our own suffering. Self-Compassion provides a powerful motivating force for growth and change, while also providing the safety needed to see ourselves clearly without fear of self-criticism. The motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear, the motivational power of Self-Compassion comes from love. Self-Compassion supports following the path you know to best support your long term health.

Self-Compassion is not self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we choose not to see ourselves clearly and accurately. Self-esteem tends to be based on our latest success or failure, causing our self-esteem to fluctuate on ever-changing circumstances. In Western culture, it is not okay to be average; we need to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. Attempts to raise self-esteem may result in self-absorbed or self-indulgent behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. As soon as our feelings of superiority slip — as they inevitably will, our sense of self-worth plummets. These feelings can be met with self-criticism and self- judgement which often results in insecurity, anxiety and depression.

Self-Compassion is not based on self-evaluations. It recognizes that the human condition is imperfect, and trust in our Common Humanity. Self-Compassion doesn’t demand that we evaluate ourselves positively or that we see ourselves as better than others. Instead of chasing self-esteem we need to develop Self-Compassion. We can embrace ourselves with a sense a kindness, connectedness and emotional balance providing the emotional safety needed to see ourselves clearly and make whatever changes are necessary to address our suffering, lovingly. We can learn to feel good about ourselves not because we’re special and above average, but because we’re human beings intrinsically worthy of respect.

Adapted from Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/