Oldest Racist Rag The Yale Record

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Volume CCCXXXIII Number 2 “Underperforming Since 1872”

Astronomers No Longer Recognize Pluto tight schoolgirl skirt. “Her assets are really exceptional.” Nash as Film Others, however, have expressed By David Sydlik , Eddie Murphy fi lm, and Object concern over Withers’ presence in STAFF REPORTER and the trilogy-- XZ1700-4931, or The Buckwheat the highly academic class. In a controversial move last Thurs- astronomers added Pluto Nash. Sing-Along Hour of their fi lm- “Her stunning fi gure detracts day, astronomers voted to remove However, as more and more “red hood. from my learning experience,” The Adventures Of Pluto Nash from objects” (unsuccessful movies with “Films have to be big while protested Rick Gerver MC ‘10. “I American Film Institute’s list of Ed- Eddie Murphy in them) were discov- Straight to Video Objects only have came to school to study animism die Murphy movies. ered, astronomers began to clamor to be round. And of course, have and isotopes, not luscious curves “As we studied Pluto Nash, we en masse for a universal defi nition Eddie Murphy,” said Lucklester. and full buttocks.” Rick, who spent discovered that its incomplete plot, of an Eddie Murphy fi lm. “Evidence “Inability to exert any meaningful two summers in Ethiopia studying stilted acting, and complete lack of shows that there could be dozens, gravitational pull on audiences is climate change, is a virgin. humor separated it from the rest of maybe hundreds more unsuccessful often a unifying feature of your av- According to parents Michael and the Eddie Murphy system,” said Eddie Murphy movies,” said Quall, erage STVO as well.” Jackie Withers, throughout much Princeton astronomer Raymond “Can we count these as true Eddie Other recently uncovered Straight of high school, Tina was frequently Quall. On January 1st, Nash will be Murphy fi lms or not? More likely to Video Objects outside the Eddie engaged in sports, among them formally reclassifi ed as a ‘Straight to they fall somewhere in between.” Murphy system include Ultimate fi eld hockey and swimming, rarely Video Object.’” At the conclusion of the confer- Avengers, Faces of Death 1-4, spending time on her studies. “To be considered an Eddie Mur- ence, astronomers also voted to strip American Pie: Band Camp and “She was always our little star phy movie, one must meet several both The Haunted Mansion, which Black Dawn, discovered just last in the swimming pool and on the criteria,” said Professor John H. had been originally classifi ed as an month in the Steven Seagal cluster. fi eld,” said Jackie Withers, oblivi- Lucklester, Whitford Professor of ous to the mass of college boys Astronomy at Harvard. “First, it Hot Girl in Section Aware She is Hot salivating at the thought of jumping must have Eddie Murphy in it. Sec- her daughter’s bones and caressing ond, it must be funny. Third, it must Girl in Section and brighter lipstick. As a result, her tender young fl esh in the at- clear its own fi nancial orbit. Finally By Matt Bakal popularity of TA Richard Lee’s tempt to strip away their horribly it must have a sequel. Every Eddie STAFF REPORTER “Chemistry and the African Narra- crippling virginity. “Now, she can Murphy movie has a sequel. After four days in her chemistry tive” section has skyrocketed over be our little angel in the classroom, “Pluto Nash simply does not meet section, Tina Withers ES ‘09 has the past week: originally capped at too!” these criteria,” he added. begun to notice her ten students, Lee’s Withers, who has had no previous Pluto Nash was originally discov- own sexiness, fellow section has grown experience in chemistry and has ered in 2002 by astronomer Welk classmates admit. to accommodate never read any African narratives, Whensel at UCLA. “I was staying “There’s no way nearly thirty. Yale says that she was attracted to the late in the lab observing the stars to describe it,” says administrators course after spending three weeks through my high-powered telescope. Tommy Lung BR have credited the in Kenya over the summer. As I observed, I caught a collection ’09 whose numerous sudden spike in at- “Spending time on the safari and of stars, all caught by some mysteri- covert glances at Ti- tendance to With- seeing all that incredible wildlife ous gravitational fi eld, from which na’s unusually perky ers’ steamy sex just got me so totally excited for no light was escaping. As I followed breasts were noticed appeal. this course!” Withers said, giggling the gravitational trail, I realized the by his nubile class- Lee is certainly and slowly bobbing up and down extraordinary: here was an Eddie mate. “When I’m in thrilled at the in her pink jump shorts while rub- Murphy movie no one had seen!” that chemistry section prospect of teach- bing her plump lips with a nearby Astronomers originally praised the and Tina sits down across from me, ing a newly enlarged and engaged pencil. “And now that I’m in it, fi nd. “After Beverly Hills Cop III, we some heavy heat rises up within student body. everybody’s just so darn nice to didn’t expect to fi nd any more Eddie me.” “Tina has helped my section me—they get me coffee and help Murphy movies,” Lucklester said. Catching on to the glimpses and gain much more exposure than I me with spelling errors and cool “Whensel’s discovery sent shock glances from her section peers, anticipated,” said Lee, unaware of stuff like that.” waves through the astronomical Tina has responded by wearing Withers’ total cognizance of his at- universe.” To the Big 6 – 48 Hours, shorter shorts, tighter tank tops, tempts to steal a quick peek up her

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