We Are Family!: How LGBT Parents Can Support Children

of families they know. Do you know someone here’s so many different ways to with one parent, someone with a stepparent, be a family. It doesn’t matter someone who’s being raised by who’s in the family. But it grandparents? Acceptance of all kinds of T matters that you love each other families begins with recognizing that there and take care of each other. That’s a are all kinds of families. family.” — A child’s comment from the Experienced LGBT parents recommend that Groundspark documentary film “That’s you think about how you will talk about your a Family” (www.groundspark.org) family to your family, friends, neighbors, teachers, and others, and how you will Families come in many shapes and sizes. answer challenging questions that may come But, like up. the quote above In says, Families there are Like so many Mine, ways to be Abigail a family, Garner and the says, primary ingredients are commitment, love, “New LGBT parents often say that they and caring for one another. thought they were as out as they could be— until they had children. Having children Children who grow up in an LGBT-headed means that LGBT people are continually family may be faced with questions about explaining their family to new teachers, why they have two moms or two dads or doctors, day-care workers, religious leaders what the gender identity of a parent is. Just and the parents of their children’s friends.” because they’re not talking about their family, doesn’t mean they’re not thinking Garner says children are faced with this about it or worrying about what to say. As a ongoing coming-out process as well. They parent in an LGBT-headed household, you need to decide how to tell people about their can empower your child to know what to say, family and who to tell. Will they tell their when to disclose or not disclose, and how to friends but not their teachers? Tell their deal with other people’s reactions. teachers but not their coaches? It’s an ongoing choice. Talking About Our Family To prepare your child or youth to talk to Every time you consider coming out to others about your family, you may want to someone new, you weigh the pros and cons. first talk about what it means to be a family. This might only take you a split second to Ask your children about the different kinds decide, because Continued on page 2

We Are Family!, continued Page 2 you’ve done it so many as a model for the words times. For children, though, your children will use. So this is tough. If they’ve you choose positive heard even one negative adoption language and you comment about LGBT teach your child how to talk people, they might choose to about being in foster care. remain silent about their In the same way, using family to protect themselves respectful and affirming and to protect their parents. language about LGBT- Many grown children say headed families will help that their LGBT parents children and youth learn underestimated how difficult it was for them how to talk about their family. For example, to talk about their family when they were “Your Mama and I love each other and we’re growing up. both women. Some people refer to us as ‘lesbian’ or ‘gay.’ It’s OK if you tell your As parents, you already know that the way friends that you have you talk about adoption and foster care serves two moms, or that Continued on page 3

10 Things Children and Youth May Want Their LGBT Foster or Adoptive Parents to Know 1. Let me tell my friends and other people in 6. Teach me respect for diversity by my life about our family, in my own time, modeling a response to prejudice, and in my own way. discrimination, and injustice. Help me to 2. I may have heard myths and stereotypes develop my own responses and help me to about LGBT people. Help me to think about my safety. understand more about the realities and 7. Please talk to me honestly and let me ask diversity of LGBT people’s lives. Help me to questions whenever I have them. critically reflect on media messages and 8. Sometimes you (and I) may feel like the representations. world is watching, and we have to be the 3. Help me to connect with other kids who perfect family. have LGBT parents (if I want to). 9. Understand that sometimes it might be 4. I love you and support you AND it is not my easier for me to talk to another job to be an advocate for LGBT rights. supportive adult about questions I may Please respect my choice if I don’t want to have. I might be afraid of hurting your feel- go to the Gay Pride Parade (or another ings. LGBT event). I may want to do these 10. Remember: On a day-to-day basis, it’s not things. I may not. It may depend on the op- about having gay or transgender parents, portunity or particular point in my life. it’s about having parents! 5. I might be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, gender non-conforming, straight, or questioning, and I may by Gary Mallon and Tracy Serdjenian, May identify in another way. Please be 2012 National Resource Center for supportive of my healthy development – Permanency and Family Connections whatever my identity may be – and Silberman School of Social Work understand that it’s not about you! at Hunter College

We Are Family!, continued Page 3 your parents are gay.” Raising children in an Many parents suggest helping your child LGBT household know who to trust at school and in the community is key. These will likely be the Although research shows that children same people that you trust. Older children with LGBT parents are as well-adjusted as children with non-LGBT parents, they can face some additional challenges. Some LGBT families face discrimination in their communities and children may be teased or bullied by peers. Parents can help their children cope with these pressures in the following ways:

 Prepare your child to handle questions and comments about their background or family.  Allow for open communication and discussions that are appropriate to your child’s age and level of maturity.  Help your child come up with and may want to tell people about their family in practice appropriate responses to their own way. But you can guide them in teasing or mean remarks. deciding who to tell, how to tell them, and  Use books, Web sites and movies that how much to share. show children in LGBT families.  Consider having a support network Your child interacts with teachers, coaches, for your child (For example, having faith leaders, and others. Do these adults your child meet other children with honor and celebrate diversity? Will they LGBT parents.) advocate for your child if you’re not there?  Consider living in a community Your child needs your help and support in where diversity is more accepted. identifying safe and trusted adults. American Academy of Child and Family Matters Adolescent Psychology, “Children Keeping open communication with your with Lesbian Gay Bisexual and children will encourage them to come to you Transgender Parents,” with their questions and concerns. August 2013 Acknowledge their feelings if it seems difficult for them to talk about their family others in LGBT-headed families, dynamics with others. Empower them to understanding that their interest in such identify supportive adults. connections may change over time. And above all, remind them by your words and Work with them to come up with affirming actions that a family means someone who words to answer questions about your family. will love and care for you no matter what. Give them the opportunity to connect with

We Are Family!, continued Page 4

Resources from the Coalition Library

Books Available to Borrow:  The Family Book, by Todd Parr  Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is, by Abigail Garner  How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent, by Judith E. Snow, MA

Other Resources:

 Let’s Get This Straight: The Ultimate Handbook for Youth with LGBTQ Parents

 Talking to Children About Our Families by Margie Brickley and Aimee Gelnaw from the Family Equality Council

 www.colage.org, a website for people with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer parents

 "In My Shoes: Teens with Same-Sex Parents," a short documentary

 Human Rights Campaign All Children – All Families

 “10 Things Children and Youth May Want their LGBT Parents to Know”

 “That’s a Family” from Groundspark: Igniting Change through Film

 http://www.fosteryouthhelp.ca.gov/LGBTQ.html

 American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, “Children with Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Parents,” August 2013