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How I Won My Battle with Domestic Violence, but Continue to Fight the War Krista R

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How I Won My Battle with Domestic Violence, but Continue to Fight the War Krista R Marshall University Marshall Digital Scholar Theses, Dissertations and Capstones 1-1-2005 Woman at War: How I Won My Battle with Domestic Violence, But Continue to Fight the War Krista R. Holcomb Follow this and additional works at: http://mds.marshall.edu/etd Part of the Literature in English, North America Commons, and the Women's Studies Commons Recommended Citation Holcomb, Krista R., "Woman at War: How I Won My Battle with Domestic Violence, But Continue to Fight the War" (2005). Theses, Dissertations and Capstones. Paper 646. This Thesis is brought to you for free and open access by Marshall Digital Scholar. It has been accepted for inclusion in Theses, Dissertations and Capstones by an authorized administrator of Marshall Digital Scholar. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Woman at War: How I Won My Battle with Domestic Violence, But Continue to Fight the War Thesis submitted to the Graduate College of Marshall University In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts in English by Krista R. Holcomb Dr. Katharine Rodier, Ph.D., Committee Chairperson Dr. Sherri Smith, Ph.D. Dr. Janet Badia, Ph.D. Marshall University August 2005 ABSTRACT WOMAN AT WAR: HOW I WON MY BATTLE WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, BUT CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE WAR By Krista R. Holcomb Woman at War: How I Won My Battle Against Domestic Violence But Continue to Fight the War, is a depiction of my experience in an abusive relationship. The project presents the initial experiences that draw the victim to her future abuser, the forming of a bond between the couple, the feelings of fear and desperation that overwhelm and often paralyze the victim in the midst of abuse, and the final escape and eventual advocacy for other victims. While most of the project is presented as personal narrative, letters, journal entries, and lists appear in order to show the mindset of the victim at the time, and analytical pieces are interwoven which discuss other works and their significance to this project. This project is an attempt to both dispel stereotypes about victims of domestic violence (abused women are weak, poor, uneducated, and always bounce from abuser to abuser), and also to answer questions commonly asked by society: How did you get mixed up with a guy like that? Why did you stay so long? Why did you go back? ii Acknowledgements: I want to thank many people for their contributions to my fight for freedom, both in body and in voice. I would first like to thank Dr. Katharine Rodier, Dr. Sherri Smith, and Dr. Janet Badia for the time they spent working with me on this project. Thanks to the wonderful people at Park Junior High School and Dinwiddie Elementary for encouraging me and helping me to believe that I did deserve better and could survive on my own, and that to return home was not a disgrace. I wish to thank my mother, father, and brother for their help as I struggled to get back on my feet and learn what it was like to be independent. To both of my grandmothers for inspiring me in your various ways to get the most out of my life and refuse to settle for apathy. A heartfelt thank you to all of my students for showing me youthful excitement, and thus helping to keep my youthful spirit alive. To Marilyn Smith and the Resolve Family Abuse Program, I thank you for my sanity. Without your counseling and support group, I would not be as healthy and recovered as I am today. Brandon, if it weren’t for your patience, love, and unconditional support, the last two years of studying and writing would have been unbearable. Thank you, Love. A very special thanks and word of encouragement to all of you who I know are still out there living in your own private hell, for inspiring me to tell my story so that you might have hope. You can do it! iii Introduction Pain Silences Reason, Gives Voice to Insanity “Listen to your inner voice” (215). This is the simple advice Dianne Schwartz offers the battered woman. Good advice to any common reader, but to the battered woman it may be as abstract as “listen to the pink elephant.” As a victim of torture, the battered woman often has no inner voice. Elaine Scarry argues that “World, self, and voice are lost, or nearly lost, through the intense pain of torture” (35), which would indicate that the “inner voice” is destroyed as well. This representation of intense pain as language-destroying makes the plight of the battered woman that much more difficult, and more hopeless with each blow she endures. In writing about her first experience with physical abuse, Schwartz writes that “I saw myself lying on the concrete from an outsider’s viewpoint…I tried to think clearly, which was nearly impossible, given what I had just experienced” (9). This seems to support Scarry’s idea that the body and voice become separated, and the prisoner loses power. Scarry also ponders the fact that others cannot experience one’s pain, including the torturer. So, as the torturer experiences no pain, but still has the presence of self and voice that the tortured does not, the power of the torturer is “dramatized” (46). This illusion of power makes it difficult for the battered woman, out of touch with reality, to escape the pain that increases the level of her captivity. The overwhelming nature and power of pain is evident in Schwartz’s chapter “Misdirected Ego.” Even after she left her torturer, she expresses that “My pain was not finished” (81). She mentions pain again at least three times in the next two pages, emphasizing that even after the physical pain has ceased, it has a power to linger and iv remain in one’s world. In these pages, she tries to communicate to her torturer the physical pain he has caused, but as Scarry warns us, he is incapable of feeling the pain of the tortured. Scarry also discusses the “interrogation” that goes along with torture, during which the torturer requires the tortured to make “confessions” of guilt. These confessions appear in the form of “lies” in Schwartz’s book, lies that the battered woman is told and forced to confess to so often that she comes to believe them: “I’m nothing without him,” “I can’t make it on my own,” “I deserve to be beaten,” “No other man will be attracted to me” (162-4). In her discussion of this ritual, Scarry relates the feelings of the tortured as that of submitting one’s entire self to the torturer, and her thoughts as being “all is almost gone now, there is almost nothing left now, even this voice, the sounds I am making, no longer form my words but the words of another” ( 35). In depicting the thoughts of one who is tortured, Scarry has beautifully captured those of the battered woman. Is it any wonder that this woman has lost the power to speak out for herself? Is it any wonder that her friends and family have also turned against her, as she sounds so much like her abuser whom they despise? Listen to your inner voice. She does. But the voice says, “I deserve to be beaten…” v Table of Contents Abstract ii Acknowledgments iii Introduction iv Table of Contents vi Chapter One: It Is Always Darkest Before the Dawn 1 Chapter Two: Broken Heart vs. Broken Body 5 Chapter Three: The Charmer and the Charmed 8 Chapter Four: Letting Go of Dreams 10 Chapter Five: Making Amends 13 Chapter Six: New Beginnings 16 Chapter Seven: Women in Authority 21 Chapter Eight: Accumulating Property 25 Chapter Nine: Remembering 34 Chapter Ten: Stockholm Syndrome 41 Chapter Eleven: Keep Your Mouth Shut 52 Chapter Twelve: Lists 55 Chapter Thirteen: Journaling 57 Chapter Fourteen: Getting Stronger 61 Chapter Fifteen: Foolish Games 62 Chapter Sixteen: The Police 81 Chapter Seventeen: Doors Close, Doors Open 86 Chapter Eighteen: Always Have a Safe Plan of Escape 90 Chapter Nineteen: How Could I Have Gone Back After All of That? 103 Chapter Twenty: Why Did I Finally Leave For Good? 114 Chapter Twenty-One: After the Violence is Over, the Fight Continues 125 Chapter Twenty-Two: The System 126 Chapter Twenty-Three: Contempt and Judgment 144 Chapter Twenty-Four: Taking on the Cause 151 Bibliography 159 vi Chapter One: It Is Always Darkest Before the Dawn Standing on the porch, hands on hips, I scanned the back yard disgustedly, taking in each vehicle stranded in the mud. In November my husband and I had moved into a home that we were planning to buy to use not only as our home, but also as the new site for Jim’s business: a wrecker service. I’m sure our neighbors loved us. Jim decided in January to close his already dying business, but not before it had brought us into the depths of debt and emotional despair. Every day was a struggle for me as I answered the calls of bill collectors, tax agents, unhappy customers, and sundry other distasteful things that go along with closing a business in the red. Jim, of course, didn’t want to deal with it and felt it was my duty to answer the phone and free him of the pain of being reminded of his failure. When he decided to close the business, there was no way we could go through with the purchase of the home. It was just one of those crazy dreams he had that I went along with hoping for the best, for I knew to oppose him was to be accused of bringing him down.
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