Sero-Disco No.3, 2017

Sero-Disco No.3, 2017

Why let HIV get in the way of a good relationship?

CEO Foreword - Craig Cooper

HIV Difference is the third phase of our printed with a gradual erasure of the ‘sero-divide’ resource first launched in 2008 called Sero in sexual relationships for people living with Disco and relaunched in 2012 as Sero Disco HIV. Today with the benefits of immediate 2. This print resource supported gay men treatment commencement along with long starting or already in a new serodiscordant term adherence to treatment and viral load sexual relationship (where one partner is HIV monitoring, Treatment as Prevention (TasP) is positive and the other is HIV negative). an acceptable and powerful HIV prevention strategy. For the first time, PrEP has delivered It posed the question Why let HIV get in the another powerful blow to the ‘sero-divide’ way of a good relationship? reducing fear and anxiety and opened up a new freedom between partners of all HIV During this time, we understood that gay sero-status. men like their heterosexual counterparts in serodiscordant relationships, were no longer This HIV Difference gives voice to a range of relying on condoms within their relationships. ‘silent warriors’ who boldly tackle the biggest Both SeroDisco and SeroDisco2 targeted killer of all, HIV stigma. Their stories shine gay men with a range of personal stories a light on paths through boundaries of fear, demonstrating HIV prevention strategies culture, gender, sero-status and disclosure that minimised HIV transmission, such as to find freedom, excitement and adventure in reliance on serosorting, strategic positioning, ways that was previously unheard of. Voices viral load monitoring and other negotiated like country boy Robert who has moved on sex safety options. Some gay men in from restricting himself to sex only with other serodiscordant relationships also began to positive men, to the positive married mother think differently about condoms and their HIV of four (Dianne) who is more comfortable risk management option when new research in her relationship with her HIV-negative in 2011 showed HIV treatment decreased the husband, the sexual adventurers (Ted and likelihood of passing on HIV. Dan) using PrEP to promote acceptance and explore a new sexual freedom and liberation, While sero-discordance in gay relationships the HIV different couples (Fox & Thomas, was still a challenging notion in many Carlo & Jared) with their own everyday life quarters of the gay community, SeroDisco struggles planning for their futures together, and SeroDisco2 openly invited discussion to Suresh, Matt and Aaron living and loving around responsibility, rejection, transmission in a post-Grim Reaper world. All speak about risk and disclosure and asked questions changing their personal beliefs about sex like Does undetectable mean un-infectious? and intimacy as they face this ‘brave new How safe is oral sex? Is safe sex for gay men world’ of freedom full of desire, pleasure and in serodiscordant relationships more than acceptance. condoms? These generous narrators normalise this HIV Difference takes up this evolving story new playing field of living and loving in an in today’s world of HIV, sex, health and love. environment which is slowly coming to the Over eight years after the first Sero Disco, the realisation of what it means to be Ending HIV division between sero-status, HIV positive, today. negative or unknown has been transformed

1 Robert

His story is a journey of Hiv difference; of changing times and rethinking beliefs. And how information and disclosure can overcome your fears and help you take control to have the kind of relationships you want to have.

Another time

Robert grew up in country New But he had fallen in love and despite South Wales. He discovered he was being haunted by the ghosts of the gay at eighteen but didn't come out past he couldn't walk away. until he moved to Sydney a year later. It was the late 1980s and he It took him some time to come to found himself in a city in the midst terms with how he would cope of an AIDS crisis. being with someone who had HIV.

“It was a pretty scary time for But as he began to re-educate everyone,” he recalls. himself, he discovered how much had changed. “It seemed like every week, you'd open the paper and see the face “The drugs were much more of someone you knew who had effective. Life expectancy had passed away. increased. It was much more manageable,” he remembers. “I would probably have run a mile if someone with HIV had approached Carl had only been diagnosed in the me for sex at the time,” he says. year prior to meeting Robert, so he too was on a sharp learning curve. Robert was diligent about adhering Together they supported each other to safe sex and ensconced himself and adjusted to an HIV different in a monogamous relationship. relationship. When that ended several years later, he found himself another. By “We always practised safe sex,” the time that one ended, it was the says Robert, “from when we met late nineties. Robert was single and all the way through to about 2005. looking for love. By that stage we were both quite heavily into recreational drugs.” In 2003, he finally met the man of his dreams. They dated for a few Carl was having side effects from months before Carl dropped the his meds at the time. They were bombshell and told him he had HIV. making him depressed and he had taken a treatment break. Neither “I was terrified,” Robert recalls. of them had any knowledge of the “Suddenly, all the horrific risks associated with a detectable memories came back … of the viral load. late eighties and early nineties … of friends passing away in awful “And there was one night ...” Robert circumstances.” continues “... the only time we had unprotected sex … and that one time was when it happened”

2 3 3 Different status Changing attitude

Robert became quite ill. “Carl wasn't working and the Robert was now out on the dating Subconsciously he knew something financial strain was getting to us. He scene again. was wrong. But he avoided going was depressed and spent a lot of for a test. time at home. His drug use started “I've never been into sex venues or escalating. casual hook-ups,” he says. “They “I don't quite know how I make me nervous.” rationalised it,” he says. “But it “By October 2010 things had got wasn't until a year later that I finally out of control and he … quite He liked the intimacy and found out I had HIV.” shocking actually … after a couple companionship you can get in a of years of trying to help him get relationship. But at that He now had to go through another back on track … he was the one stage in his life he was very wary of readjustment. But this time it was who left.” having one with anyone: positive or not the fear and worry of his partner negative. getting sick and dying. He had to “It was pretty devastating,” says come to terms with his own HIV Robert. “Carl was the love of my “I had a short relationship with an infection as well as the reality of life. We had been through a lot HIV negative guy,” he recalls. “Until starting treatment for it. together. I couldn't believe it was he became quite pushy about over.” having unprotected sex.” Happily, Robert and Carl's love for each other was strong enough to It was 2011, and Robert didn't survive the transition. They had a know anything about the relative commitment ceremony. “Which was low risk he posed being on a big to-do for us,” he says. treatment with an undetectable viral load. So he ended the relationship Robert disclosed to his mother and for a while avoided having sex about everything that had with anyone unless they were also happened. He was surprised by positive. how calm and reassuring she was. “Which was a great relief. And also “I perceived the risk to be the same a great support,” he says. whether you are on the meds or not,” he says. Things were good. They settled back into life together. They paid He then had a relationship with the bills and took the pills. Went to another HIV positive guy that lasted parties and saw their doctors. for eighteen months.

“Then things started to go off the It was now 2013 and although he rails,” Robert recalls. had been single before, things had moved significantly. 4 5 “I would probably have run a mile if someone with HIV had approached me for sex at the time.”

“So many guys who are negative “To me, status isn't important. If I'm want to have unprotected sex,” screening, I'm screening for how “To me, he says. “I needed to research the informed they are about the current information on the risks involved.” research. status isn’t “That's when I discovered the new “Attitudes to STIs have also facts about treatment and viral changed. They're not seen as such important. If loads and PrEP. It forced me to a big deal. People are now more rethink my beliefs about what is safe likely to tell you they have one. I’m screening, behaviour. “I've certainly had the experience I’m screening “I had always felt that because I where someone has told me they'd was positive I was responsible. tested positive for something and for how I was always trying to avoid they don't know whether they'd the scenario where someone passed it on to me or got it from contracted the disease from me. me. And then I've tested and been informed And the fear and guilt that goes fine. along with it. I'd seen what that had they are done to Carl. He used to bring it up “I think that's all about being constantly. About how guilty he felt. respectful of your sexual partner's about current health. That it was he fault. I never thought research.” it was. I always held myself “I have a policy of disclosing before accountable. “But I was forced any sexual activity happens. If they to re-evaluate things. Sex without are negative I'll generally ask them condoms is so commonplace now. questions about their preferences, It's what negative guys are asking for. their knowledge of risk and whether they're on PrEP or not. “Some of them are very well informed. They know the risks. They “One guy I am seeing casually is may even be on PrEP. Others don't very open about being on PrEP. care and are willing to do whatever. He says it isn't just so he can have Then there's a third group who are unprotected sex … He sees it as uneducated and won't entertain the a safety net that makes him feel idea of being with a positive guy. comfortable enough to have any sex at all. Fortunately, they are very much the minority. “These days I'm much less fixed in my beliefs. And I think others are, too."

5 6 7 7 Fox & Thomas

After connecting online, Fox and Thomas build a strong future together where paperwork, visa bureaucracy and finding time to play takes up more space than HIV in their serodiscordant relationship.

Virtual attraction Which it did. Their online chats Road to togetherness continued. They spoke online. They Fox and Thomas first met on Skyped. Thomas was diagnosed in 1990. Australia Day in 2010. He was 29 at the time and in a “We talked about how we might relationship. “I logged onto Recon and there was manage our differences,” says a message from this person from Thomas. “Which is hard because “It was pretty devastating,” he says. Brighton in the UK,” says Fox. “And you can't feel a person online … “In those days, doctors were literally we got chatting.” you can't touch them … but still giving people two years to live.” we managed to develop a good They discussed all sorts of things relationship.” His partner had been unwell months and found they had very similar prior to his seroconversion, but had interests, sexual ones included. Four and half months after their first not tested himself. chat, Thomas proposed he come to Thomas was upfront early on Australia for a holiday. Fox thought “So, it was up to me to disclose to about being HIV positive and Fox, this was a lovely idea. him and also suggest he test, too,” who has been in HIV different says Thomas. “Which he did.” relationships in the past, had no And their meet-up went so well, issue with the fact. that Thomas extended his holiday in Unfortunately, his partner died Australia to three months. in 1994. “Which was another “My philosophy was always devastating blow,” he says. to disclose,” says Thomas. “That's when our relationship really Thomas then embarked on a long “Particularly if there was any chance took off,” says Fox. “And here we term HIV different relationship. the relationship might develop.” are … still together, six years later.”

8 9 “We always practised safe sex,” he visa application, an exercise made it,” says Fox. “If it was cheaper … says. “We agreed that was the most even harder by the requirements of maybe.”“My viral load has been important thing for us to do as a the HIV health waiver. undetectable for donkey's years,” couple at that time. says Thomas. “So the possibility of “There are so many forms to fill in my infecting anyone is completely “It wasn't always easy. I was going and folders of evidential support to minimal.” through different antiretroviral acquire and visits to the JP. regimes, many of which I was “We only play together,” says Fox. unable to tolerate and consequently But we will get there … we will get “And to be honest ... finding time I had a lot of health issues. there ...” he sighs. to have any play at the moment is a bit of a challenge. When I come “My family weren't accepting “I'm really proud of how much he's off a twelve-hour shift I just want to of it initially. And they still find it done in such a short time,” says Fox. sleep.” difficult … but hand on heart ... Fox has never expressed any form Fox's family is behind them all the “Plus, our bed is currently covered in of negativity or rejection,” says way. And they've found support paperwork for my visa application,” Thomas. “He has dealt with our through Positive Life, ACON, Bobby laughs Thomas. difference in a very positive light.” Goldsmith, Tree of Hope and the Metropolitan Community Church. Fox and Thomas have a focus: Fox has known many positive to legally live together in Australia people over the years and mentions “And I've got nothing but praise for as an HIV different couple. The having two previous HIV different St Vincent's Hospital,” says Thomas. bureaucracy they have to go relationships. He has also had through to do this is immense and a lot to do with HIV community The HIV specialist he saw there has threatened to drive them insane organisations like Queensland picked up on some health issues at times. Positive People and ACON. that had not been addressed in the UK and prescribed him a new “Everything else is on hold,” says “I suppose I just accept people for regime. Thomas. “But once this is over who they are,” he says. maybe we can start to live a little Thomas attributes many of his bit.” Settling down issues to the aging process. As well as his antiretrovirals, he takes He wants to find work so he Until this year, Fox, who has dual prophylaxis to prevent herpes, can contribute financially to the citizenship, has been living with aspirin for his heart and a statin to relationship. Thomas in the UK. lower cholesterol. All up, nine pills a day. Fortunately, he has a temporary “Eventually,” says Fox, “we'd like to They now want to settle together in Medicare card to access all these buy a house.” Australia. So, Thomas is applying for medications. permanent residency. “Who would have thought back in They have discussed PrEP for 1990,” says Thomas, “that I would Fox but cost is a significant be here now talking about ten He has been in the country for two ✱ months and has four weeks before consideration. ... twenty ... thirty years into the this tourist visa expires. Much of the future?” stay has been spent preparing his “With only one person working at the moment we just can't afford ✱ please see note on p.38 under Contributions

“We always practised safe sex,” he says. “We agreed that was the most important thing for us to do as a couple at that time.”

9 10 11 Dianne

A story of assumptions and being a heterosexual woman living with HIV. How talking about HIV, testing and trusting made more difference to a relationship than anyone’s HIV status.

Revealing everything He thought he recognised her Oral candida … shingles … that symptoms but didn't know how to chest infection which was probably Dianne met Marcus two years broach the subject. PCP … and now before she was diagnosed. Toxoplasmosis. These were AIDS- “He would get frustrated when I defining conditions. “Our relationship blossomed out of came back from the GP diagnosed friendship,” she says. “And bonded with a chest infection,” she says. When she was finally given her HIV over the grief we were both feeling They argued about getting second diagnosis, both Dianne and Marcus at the time.” Marcus had just lost opinions. He wanted her to go to were relieved. Shocked but relieved. his mother, and Dianne, her brother. hospital emergency secretly hoping she might get an HIV test. “It was actually an exciting thing to “He wined and dined and won me hear,” she remembers. “Because over,” she smiles. But before they at that point I thought I had brain moved in together, Dianne needed “I can't imagine what that trauma cancer.” the approval of her four children. feels like,” she says. “Watching Which they gave. someone you love get sick. And “Now we know, we can focus on feeling helpless.” getting you well,” Marcus told her. “Things were going along swimmingly until my health started Finally, she was rushed to hospital He wasn't worried about himself. to decline,” she says. after having a seizure at work. A “We can deal with that later,” he brain scan revealed tumours. said. And as Dianne became increasingly unwell, Marcus became suspicious. After surgery and while she was in Which he did. And tested negative. He had grown up in New York and recovery, the doctors finally pieced was there during the height of the her medical history together. AIDS epidemic.

11 When she finally got her HIV diagnosis, both Dianne and Marcus were relieved. “It was actually an exciting thing to hear,” she remembers. “Because at that point I thought I had brain cancer.”

Intimate recovery She always shares her test results with him. And when she recently had a viral blip, found When she came home from hospital, Dianne herself avoiding intimacy. had it in her mind that they could never have sex again. Dianne is acutely aware of the pressures of responsibility felt by the positive partner. “I didn't even want to cuddle,” she says. “I was so frightened.” “We also have the threat of criminality looming over us,” she says. It was months later that Marcus finally said: “let's go to the drug store and get some “It's great when it's all lovey-dovey. But when condoms.” relationships break down, things can turn ugly.” “It took me some time to become undetectable,” she says. “But we continued Assumed difference to use condoms because the understanding wasn't around back then.” People make assumptions about them as a couple. On being told that Dianne has HIV, Then in 2012, when the new information one health worker immediately asked Marcus: did come around, it was Marcus who finally Didn't you know you had it? moved things on and proposed they had condomless sex. But Marcus is still negative and it is Dianne who insists on him testing regularly. He's less “He took his time and did his research,” says worried about it than she is. Dianne. “It's difficult for heterosexual men,” she says. “I was terrified and didn't want any part of it. But he assured me he felt comfortable. Even one as informed as Marcus doesn't find it easy asking a GP for an HIV test. They ask “It was the hospital who was constantly invasive questions. Isn't he afraid of having badgering me … You're still wearing sex with someone with HIV? condoms, aren't you? But he doesn't get angry. He just slips into And I had this guilty feeling like I was doing educator mode. something naughty. These days he feels most comfortable going “It got to the point where I wouldn't tell them. to Dianne's clinic for his tests. They know him It was private and personal and something there. that we as a couple had decided. But he is not keen on entering the rest of “It's only been in the last year that I've her HIV world. “I see some people who are stopped hearing that from clinic nurses and really struggling,” he tells her one day. “And doctors,” she says. it frightens me. I can't be in that environment because I have to be strong for you and me.”

12 13 Which reminds her that this has been a trauma for him as much as it has been for her. People make

He is very protective. When Dianne gets sick he worries. assumptions about “You're doing too much. You need them as a couple. to relax,” he tells her. Not everyone understands their When one health bond. When Dianne was in hospital, a visiting friend assures her that when Marcus leaves she will help worker was told look after things; assuming that because of their HIV difference, their relationship could not last. that Dianne has But it has. HIV, he immediately “Even though we have been together for just seven years,” she says, “I know this is my life partner. turned to Marcus “When somebody nurses you through AIDS and then stands by and asked, “Didn’t you while you tell the world your story … you know the relationship has gone to another level.” you know you had it?”

13 Suresh

While Suresh has changed countries, partners and attitudes, being HIV-different hasn’t changed his chances for love and companionship.

Another country Changing partners “She used to provide me with the Suresh was born in Saudi Arabia leftovers that other patients hadn't Then Suresh met Rod through in 1986. When he was eight, his used because they'd had an an online dating site for positive parents moved him and his older adverse reaction or something,” he people. brother back to India to finish their says. schooling. “After two weeks of talking, he A year later, Suresh started moved from Sydney to be with me,” “I told my immediate family I was importing generics from India Suresh says. gay in 2004,” he says, which because he didn't think it was fair to happened shortly before he left rely on his nurse to have to source “And we found a place together. for Australia on a student visa and his supply. Rod had been living with HIV for moved in with his brother in Perth. about twenty years and he helped Meanwhile, things at home with his toughen me up.” It was during a routine STI check-up brother weren't going well. in 2007 that Suresh found out he With Rod's help, Suresh completed had HIV. “He was being homophobic and his degree, stood up against his bullying,” he says. “I couldn't focus parents and brought legal action “But I didn't start treatment until a on my studies. against his brother to stop his year later,” he says. ongoing bullying. My university work suffered and I As an overseas student, Suresh's almost got terminated. In 2012 they packed up and moved visa did not qualify him for PBS to Sydney. With Rod's sponsorship, subsidised antiretrovirals. His “Plus my parents said that I was Suresh applied for permanent private health insurance wouldn't jeopardising their plans to migrate residency which was initially rejected cover them either. Fortunately he to Australia,” he sighs. but finally approved the following had a nurse who became his fairy year. godmother. “It was a tough time.” 14 15 15 “Our relationship ended in 2014. “I am undetectable,” he told him. But we're still really good friends,” “I'm not infectious. But I didn't ...they decided he says. want us to have sexual intercourse without you knowing about it. to do their own “And then I met Cameron.” “He was a bit taken aback and research. That's Cameron was going through a he did have a bit of a cry. But he low point in his life. He had just stayed. He didn't write me off when they separated from his wife of 30 years. because of my status.” read about the He also had seven children. He Mixed messages was very new to the gay scene. He Treatment as didn't know much about HIV and In the weeks that followed, Prevention studies even less about its transmission. Cameron did some research of his own and then agreed to accompany that showed “He basically had nowhere to go Suresh to an appointment with his and I thought ... stuff it … let's get HIV specialist. zero percent together. So, he's been living with me ever since.” The first session with his doctor transmission went well. Suresh told Cameron he was between HIV- positive within 72 hours of them “He told us that so long as I stick different couples. meeting. Although they did have to my meds and we are in a sex first. monogamous relationship we'll be fine,” says Suresh. “But it was only oral,” says Suresh.

As an overseas student, Suresh's visa did not qualify him for PBS subsidised antiretrovirals. His private health insurance wouldn't cover them either.

16 17 “I am undetectable,” he told him. “I'm not infectious. But I didn't want us to have sexual intercourse without you knowing about it."

Then Cameron went to get tested has taken it all very well. himself and saw a nurse who told him: “You're dating a positive “He may be 53 but because he's person. You need to wear condoms just come out, he's like a raving every time.” nineteen year old who wants to bonk every night,” he laughs. Suresh was incensed. Mixed messages were the last thing they “I feel like the old man who wants needed. So, they had another to sleep so he can go to work the meeting with his doctor who next day.” became a bit cautious himself. Suresh is worried Cameron might get frustrated. So he has suggested “He focussed on the 00.1% that if he'd like to have sex outside possibility,” says Suresh. “I didn't the relationship that he should go know what was going on.” for it.

Suresh and Cameron argued. “But tell me if you do,” he told him. They then decided to do their own “So I can take that into account research. That's when they read when I go for my tests.” about the Treatment as Prevention studies that showed zero percent But Cameron says he's fine. He transmission between HIV different knows where his heart is. couples. And they started having sex without condoms. And if he does decide to play outside, he wants Suresh to come “For someone who knew nothing along. about HIV,” says Suresh. “Cameron

17 18 19 Ted

While Ted navigates the boundaries of labels, sex and identity, being sexually adventurous with his HIV- different partners and fuck buddies doesn’t slow Ted down in any way.

Coming out Evolving identity

Ted grew up with an identical twin Ted was 30 when he started talking Ted lives with a female partner sister, or 'womb mate' as he likes to openly about his trans experience; and only has sex outside of the call her. and 31 when he started medically relationship with men. He and his transitioning—taking hormones and girlfriend met before his transition “I came out as a lesbian to a group undergoing chest surgery. and spent a year negotiating his of friends when I was 14,” he says, newly found sexuality. “but that didn't go too well, so I put “I always identified more queer than myself back in the closet until I was lesbian,” he says, “and had a queer “Our relationship has evolved,” he seventeen. attraction to men even though I was says, “to where we celebrate each disguised as a woman, it was a other's sexual adventures. “I then came out to my parents and bit of a head fuck because I didn’t sister and my grade at school. have a language to describe what “She's the best and I feel very was going on.” lucky to have found such a rad life “It was the late nineties and I was partner.” pretty stoked to be a hard-core So, as he started to affirm his dyke from a Catholic girls school in male gender and became more In 2014, Ted co-founded PASH. Western Sydney. comfortable in his skin, he found tm, a project seeking to address himself attracted to and in turn the sexual health needs of trans “My sense of being male didn't attracting men. men—particularly around HIV—and come until much later,” he says. consequently found he was mixing Today at 37, Ted sees himself as a more with HIV positive gay men. queer man who is pretty gay.

19 ..as he started to affirm his male gender and became more comfortable in his skin, he found himself attracted to and in turn attracting men.

“I felt a real kinship,” he says. “I could relate Pre and post PrEP to the kind of stigma they were talking about.” Ted was having a lot less sex before PrEP He also found that positive guys were often came along. more accepting of his own body diversity. “Testosterone sometimes changes the lining “They were either like 'I don't care' or of your front hole,” he says. “So, while I 'Fucking hot!'” wanted to use condoms, they were actually quite painful. He finds many of the positive guys he hooks up are also sexually adventurous and he has “Being on PrEP has been a sexual liberation a stable of regular fuck buddies, roughly half for me. I now feel much more comfortable of whom are positive. and less anxious having the type of sex I want.” He met many of his partners online, where his profile is clear about him being trans and also “I don't know what it's about,” he says, “but that he is on PrEP. the like-minded guys I meet just happen to be positive. Along with other trans guys, they are Ted recalls the chat that went on before one the men I feel warmest towards. particular hook-up: “Perhaps it's because we have all have gone “He told me he was poz. And I could imagine through fire to get to where we are.” those times when people have gone 'no thanks', like the times I have told them that I'm trans.

“And I said to him: I don't care. What time am I coming over?

“We had a great time.”

20 21 “Being on PrEP has been a sexual liberation for me. I now feel much more comfortable and less anxious having the type of sex I want.”

21 Dan

This story is about someone who knows himself well enough to accept others for who they are, and is prepared for the best sex possible.

Preparing himself Protection advocate about his status. You should die … Dan didn't have a lot of exposure You're a plague upon society ...” Shortly after arriving in Sydney, Dan to sex growing up in Adelaide. Now did his research and started taking 28, he only started having sex when Dan was shocked that anyone PrEP a few months later. he was 25. would treat anyone like that. “Since then, I've had condomless “I then pretty much got straight into “That gave me a glimpse of what sex with HIV positive undetectable a two year relationship,” he says. people with HIV go through,” he people,” he says. “Mostly trusted says. “So I decided from that point friends. Not randoms. I still use Concerned about HIV, his partner on that I was going to be open and condoms with randoms because I took him to see a sexual health accepting of positive people.” don't want STIs.” specialist, which began his education. This philosophy came in handy The encounters Dan had with when he moved to Sydney just over positive partners before he went on After the relationship ended, Dan a year ago. PrEP always involved condoms. had his first contact with someone living with HIV. “I dived head first into the scene,” “And were surprisingly normal,” he says. “And met some pretty he says. “They told me they were “It happened via an online dating awesome positive people. positive and I said that was fine. site, but it wasn't a hook-up,” he And the encounter proceeded like a says. “I've learned a lot since then,” normal online hook-up.” he laughs. “And had some “We just met for a chat and he experiences.” Most HIV positive partners he has told me about the sort of random met online are upfront on their messages he gets for being upfront profiles and open to questions.

22 22 23 I've had condomless sex with HIV positive undetectable people,” he says. “Mostly trusted friends. Not randoms. I still use condoms with randoms because I don't want STIs.”

But Dan is clued up on current advocate PrEP. His profile explains “But we talked about the bigger science and doesn't feel the need that he's on PrEP and invites people picture. And how important PrEP to discuss the matter further. to ask any questions they like. was if we are to eradicate HIV.”

“I treat them just like I would any “They mainly want to know what it Another HIV negative guy contacted encounter,” he says. is, where you can get it, the side him to ask whether he should be on Dan thinks that PrEP has made effects,” he says. “And some want PrEP himself. a huge difference in the lives of to know why I still use condoms as people who were afraid to have well.” “He was an older guy,” says Dan, sex because of HIV. But it hasn't “and claimed he couldn't wear a changed him much. A few believe he is being too condom so only ever had bareback cautious but others praise his sex. “It is reassuring,” he admits. “It's like decision. a weight has been taken off. And “And I'm like: yes, yes, a million it means I can now bareback with One guy criticised his choice to take times yes.” trusted regulars. PrEP drugs; and relayed his own experience taking Post Exposure Dan has found that there are still a “I wouldn't have done that before Prophylaxis (PEP) drugs after an lot of people who don't know the because even though I trusted occasion of sex he was concerned basics like how HIV is transmitted. them, humans make mistakes. They may have exposed him to HIV. But they are not afraid to ask him may not know they have an STI or questions. And he is happy to they may have become detectable “He had some particularly bad side answer them. since their last test.” effects,” says Dan. “And couldn't believe I would willingly choose to These days, Dan uses online take the medication. dating sites more as a platform to

24 25 “I’m not there to judge their lifestyle choices. I’m there to have fun.”

Differences apart

“I decided Dan doesn't see any difference between his HIV positive friends from that and his negative ones. But he does acknowledge that something point on I probably changes when you become positive. He likens it to the more accepting attitude you find was going among gay people or other groups who have experienced what it is like to be to be in the minority. open and “I think it's easier for positive people to be more accepting of sex accepting workers or drug users,” he says. “They know what stigma is like of positive and so are less likely to give it to people.” others.” Dan doesn't take drugs himself but has no problem being around those who do.

“I've been in people's apartments while they've been taking drugs,” he says. “Which is fine.”

As a qualified first-aider, Dan would rather people were open with him about using in case something goes wrong.

And how does he feel being with someone who is drug-affected when he isn't?

"I'm not there to judge their lifestyle choices,” he says.

“I'm there to have fun."

25 26 27 Matt

Fiercely protective of his privacy, Matt struggles to cope with a number of unexpected events. He faces his fears and finds companionship and support in a HIV-different relationship.

Finding out “The sex was superlative,” he smiles. “It was the glue that kept us Matt grew up in the eastern suburbs Matt's fear was compounded by together.” of Sydney. He hated school and left the Grim Reaper campaign. “It in Year 10 to work in bars and clubs cemented for me the disease as While he now knew for certain that around Oxford Street. something to be reviled,” he says. he had HIV, Matt still didn't want to deal with it. Matt worked hard and made money It wasn't until the mid-nineties “I didn't want to be the one spotted and lots of friends. He also played in that Matt finally found himself in a sitting in the waiting room,” he bands and started to make a name situation that left him little choice says. “So, I refused to go to an HIV for himself as a musician. but to test. clinic.”

“I remember exactly where I was “My partner at the time, Simon, Fortunately, he found an HIV when the news of AIDS broke,” he went and got tested and … you specialist who supported him and says. know … naturally it was a shock. his decision not to treat … until around 2004 when his CD4 count “It was the early eighties and I was “And that is how I found out. It dropped so low that he had no sitting in a share house watching was probably me that gave it to choice but to start treatment. television. There was this news him. I can't be sure but I've always story about a gay disease,” he thought that.” “Looking back,” he says, “I should remembers. “And from then on I probably have started straight thought I probably had it. Simon was angry, but their away.” relationship survived and continued “But I stuck my head in the sand,” for another two years. And he probably should but he was he says. “I didn't want to know.” dealing with a lot at the time.

27 While he now knew for certain that he had HIV, Matt still didn't want to deal with it. “I didn't want to be the one spotted sitting in the waiting room".

Other burdens Soul mates

A few years before he was “The two tablets I take for HIV … When his relationship with Simon diagnosed, Matt was the victim of a they're nothing,” he says. ended, Matt bounced between violent assault. regular partners and casual “One in the morning, one at night. encounters. “A group of guys attacked me,” he They're a breeze. says. “And I was nearly killed.” “I always practised safe sex,” he “It's the emotional scarring that is says. “But at that point in my life I He still suffers from post traumatic the hardest to live with. didn't want to face a relationship.” stress disorder and lists the pills he takes to help him cope. “I don't like being alone with my Now well-known in the music thoughts.” scene, Matt was very private about “There's a pill for anxiety. There's a his status. To this day, very few pill to calm the nerves. There's a pill people know he has HIV. to stop my hands shaking. “My sexual health is none of their There's a pill to help me sleep. business,” he says.

28 29 Matt explained that he was undetectable and Rich understood. “And from that point on he wanted us to throw away the condoms. Which is the complete opposite to what you'd expect.”

“I'm happy to tell the world: I'm Matt has had some health issues in gay,” he says. “But I don't want my the last few years. HIV becoming public knowledge.” “I've suffered a terrible loss in Then in 2011, he met Rich. libido,” he admits, “Which is frustrating and causes a little bit of “I didn't tell him I had HIV,” he says. friction.”

For a year, Matt used condoms and But the friction is minimal. When acted as if nothing was wrong. Rich spends the weekend they still sleep together. Then, one night, Rich said something that pushed a button “We cuddle up but mostly there and Matt told him: “Yes, I'm isn't any sex,” he says. positive.” Occasionally, he would like And Rich's reaction amazed him. to enhance their sex life with chemicals. “He was not angry at me. He was completely nonplussed.” “Sometimes I wish I could just organise something for us,” he says, Matt explained that he was but money is tight at the moment. undetectable and Rich understood. Clearly there is a bond between “And from that point on he wanted them. us to throw away the condoms. Which is the complete opposite to “It's like a loving best friend what you'd expect.” relationship,” he says.

Rich has tested a few times since “I love him. And he loves me back. I and remains negative. know that.”

“Which is a great relief,” says Matt. “The last thing I want to do is infect anyone.”

29 30 31 31 Carlo & Jared

After sero-converting Carlo finds a HIV-different kind of love with Jared who has his back and his heart.

Party 2014

Carlo remembers Jared as the guy He'd had HIV different partners At 14, Jared agreed with a boy at with the cute ass on the dance before and had already recognised school who called him a poofter. floor. He also remembers what he something in Carlo: an honesty he Thanks to mobile technology, said when the cute ass asked him couldn't hide. And he remembers everyone else knew by the end of to dance. thinking … yeah, he has HIV. Yeah, class. they all do. “I only do that for money,” he When he came out to his replied. Carlo is, after all, a “But I screamed like a drama grandmother, “she was like, duh” professional dancer. queen,” laughs Jared, “and said and subsequently escorted him if that's the response you're to Sydney for his first Mardi Gras. This was all before a mutual friend expecting then you're talking to the Shortly afterwards, Jared found introduced them and told them to wrong bitch.” himself mentoring other young go home and fuck. gay men at the Queensland AIDS Up north Council. “Which we did.” says Jared. But it was clearly more than a fuck Jared grew up on the Gold Coast in “HIV has never been an issue for because a few days later, Carlo the nineties. me,” he says. His mother lived with wanted to catch up. hepatitis C, so blood borne viruses His family was pretty open. He saw are something he's always been “He was so nervous to tell me,” The Rocky Horror Picture Show aware of. says Jared. when he was four and Priscilla Queen of The Desert when he was Jared had his first HIV different But Jared wasn’t shocked at all. He six. sexual encounter in his early already had a feeling. twenties while he was studying in Lismore and later, a long term HIV different relationship in Sydney.

32 33 Theirs is a mutually consensual relationship. It is also an open one with one significant rule designed to protect them both: condoms always with other partners.

Out west HIV indifference

Carlo grew up in Mount Druitt in the Carlo was 29 when he These days, he doesn't freak eighties. seroconverted. Fortunately at the out when Jared goes for a test. time, he had both a close friend and Besides, Jared knows the deal. For a young dancer from Western a flatmate who were living healthy Sydney, he copped his fair share of HIV positive lives. Theirs is a mutually consensual homophobia. relationship. It is also an open one “They hugged me and welcomed with one significant rule designed to “I had to run a lot from people who me into the sisterhood,” he says. protect them both: condoms always wanted to bash me,” he says. with other partners. “But I did think, well, that's it … I So, it was a relief to reach Year will never ever have a relationship, HIV has not changed how they 11 and transfer to Newtown High now.” So, he started sero-sorting, approach life. School of the Performing Arts. “A finding it easier to sleep only with melting pot for whatever you want other positive guys. Until Jared “It is not who I am,” says Carlo. “It's to be,” he calls it. came along. just what I've got.” “One day a friend said you're bi “I'm really lucky with Jared,” he aren't you? And a couple of weeks says. “He doesn't give a fuck about later another one said you're a poof status.” aren't you? And I said ... oh, yeah ... I am.” Carlo believes that younger guys are far better educated and less afraid Fast forward a few years and Carlo of HIV, these days. “HIV has never discovers drag. He admits that they have had a been an issue “I always thought my parents never couple of scares. The first time, for me.” His fully accepted me for being gay,” he Carlo was a nervous wreck; says, “then I discovered they were confronted with the thought that mother lived more concerned that I wanted to be he may have passed HIV on to the a woman.” man he loves. with hepatitis C, But he soon convinced them that “Even though I knew in my gut it so blood borne it was just all about make-up and was so unlikely.” performance. Everything is good viruses are between them, now. They've met Carlo has been on treatment since a Jared. They know he's Carlo’s first, couple of years after his diagnosis. something he's real, serious relationship. Although he admits that taking the pills was a big reality check, he also always been remembers what a milestone it was to reach undetectable. aware of.

33 Aaron

Today Aaron takes each day as it comes, and feels much more comfortable to talk about HIV with all his partners – HIV positive or negative. His straight forward approach in changing world is to ‘get it out of the way’ and get on with life.

Growing up Jump to 2007

All Aaron remembers of Catholic That first relationship lasted two It is now 2007 and Aaron describes school life in Brisbane was the and a half years before Aaron found himself as being “a bit of a lost bullying. himself single and out on the scene. soul”. Still stunning today at 45, Aaron “It was horrid,” he says before had little trouble attracting attention “I was over life,” he says. quickly moving on to describe the in his early twenties. freedom he felt as a sixteen year old Having just got out of one abusive getting out into the world. “I had them falling at my feet left, relationship, he promptly found right and centre,” he sighs. “Men himself in another. “I found myself in some very running up the road after me.” masculine workplaces,” he smiles, “But this one was bad,” he says, “first in the building industry, then He then entered a relationship “very bad.” football, then racing.” which he describes as “a bit of a disaster, really” and attributes Luckily this time the physical He smiles too when he talks about financial commitments to why it violence only happened once before his first relationship. lasted for the five years it did. he got out.

“He was wonderful,” he recalls. “He Depressed and anxious, Aaron played around and had an alcohol found himself partying a lot more problem … but he was still the best than usual. He was drinking to dull partner I ever had.” out the pain. And having lots of sex.

34 35 35 Some have said that having condomless sex with someone who claims to be undetectable for at least six months is a safer option than with someone who claims to be negative.

2007 was also the year he The result came back positive and seroconverted. Aaron took him under his wing. His friend has since found work for an “I took it really bad,” he says. HIV organisation and is moving on with his life. And Aaron is proud of He had always thought that if HIV how far he's come. came along he would just start taking the drugs and move on. “He was in a pretty bad space at However, the reality was different the time,” says Aaron who believes and he was sucked back into the that people often seroconvert during Grim Reaper days and his father very emotional times in their lives. talking about poofters and how they should die.

“But that was then,” he says.

Aaron has since found solace acting as a mentor to others who are going through the same thing he did. Trying to help them not fall into the abyss.

“There was this one guy I knew,” he says, “I just had a feeling, so I told him he ought to get tested.”

36 37 “I'm living really well with it. I'm accepting of it,” he says. It's a changing world out there. It's time to get on with our lives.

Undetectable preferred even confronted Aaron's new “One even responded with 'Fucken boyfriend saying he shouldn't have cool. We can bareback all day',” he Aaron suffered a brain aneurysm sex with him because he'd get laughs. a few years ago which has infected. compounded the HIV-associated Aaron feels more inclined to talk neurocognitive disorder he already “He told her that we'd been going about HIV, these days. He likes had. at it like rabbits,” laughs Aaron. “He to educate where he can. Guys didn't care.” Other friends came to under 35 tend to be more open, he He has good days and bad days his defence as well. reckons. Guys in regional areas less but takes each one as it comes. informed. If he is particularly stressed his Aaron believes this experience did memory suffers. Occasionally he him a favour. He has no problem “I could get married tomorrow if has seizures. disclosing now. He is straight I wanted to,” he says. But in the forward about it. Bang. Get it out of meantime he's happy not to be in a “It is as it is,” he says. the way. relationship.

There have been a number of “And most often neg guys are more “I'm living really well with it. I'm HIV different boyfriends in the last than fine about it,” he says. accepting of it,” he says. nine years. Some—where he has disclosed and they simply haven't Some have said that having It's a changing world out there. cared—make good news stories. condomless sex with someone who Others less so. claims to be undetectable for at It's time to get on with our lives. least six months is a safer option One friend reacted particularly badly than with someone who claims to and “ran around telling everyone,” be negative. says Aaron. This friend's mother

37 Acknowledgements

Content Adrian Ogier Design Vicente Butron Photography John McRae Contributions Positive Life NSW would like to thank everyone who contributed to the ‘HIV Difference’ campaign: Adrian Ogier, Vicente Butron, John McRae, ‘Robert’, Fox and Thomas, Dianne, ‘Suresh’, Ted, Dan, ‘Matt’, ‘Carlo and Jared’, ‘Aaron’. ✱ Interviews for HIV Difference were conducted in late 2015-2016. Disclaimer Images of people included in this magazine do not indicate HIV status either positive or negative. Copyright notice © Positive Life NSW 2017. Photography used under license. On the web hivdifference.positivelife.org.au Contact Positive Life NSW on (02) 9206 2177 or Freecall 1800 245 677 TTY: 131 450 www.positivelife.org.au

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