Honest, Stationary wishes for dusk: “What are the walls made of?”

So there’s these two men sitting in a pub with a “Something hard - steel or rock or whatever, it’s lunchtime half. This particular day is the first time not at all important”. that they have seen each other in many weeks, whereas once they were inseparable rogues. The He’s not even listening, thinks the first man about first belches warm behind his palm (beer so fizzy the second man. nowadays) and continues. “Alright.” Dusk is the pithy prelude to night’s long “So there’s this man standing in a metal room. He lecture, thinks the second man, and then thinks The Gappy Tooth Industries Magazine Issue 10 February 06 has his back to one of the walls of this empty that it’s stupid. room and the other wall starts coming towards him. There’s nothing in the room, it’s empty, “But can you imagine the terror, the sheer terror Poetry there’s just him and a wall and another wall of feeling that wall push your face, waiting for The New Moon, coming towards him, OK?” it to squash home and kill you? I mean, let’s assume that the walls are moving quite slowly” Creative writing The second man screws his eyes together and tries to see the picture, his mind’s so tired now, he “I can imagine it,” says the second man, and Script & can’t seem to coalesce the images. No privacy: to suddenly he can, vividly. His glass feels cold Art be done would be a deliverance. and worryingly full. “So, I suppose that in that situation, I would stand side on, and suffer the “Is the ceiling coming down?” lesser but still not inconsiderable pain of crushed undertheigloo Photography limbs in the knowledge that I would in all likelihood “I don’t - it doesn’t matter so, no, no it be unconscious at the point of death.” isn’t, just the wall” The effort of formalising this answer has tired the “Alright” second man, what were they talking like this for anyway? Dusk. “So the question I’m asking is, if you’re that man, do you stand with your back to the still “That’s right” announces the first man, gathering wall, facing the oncoming one, or do you stand his briefcase to leave the pub, wondering how sideways? There are a number of ways you can long it will be before he sees his old friend and look at it,” says the first man, regulating his tone, whether he cares. “That’s right. Except that a sleepless night returning to him in one slapped standing face on gives you an extra few seconds wave, caverns of insomniac thoughts opening during which rescue and escape are possible: Do out. He decides not to finish his beer, which he you stare the wall down for that miniscule extra isn’t enjoying. chance of life?”

“If you stood side on, the wall would crush your “You didn’t tell me all this. Is there a chance of shoulder into your body, it would probably dislocate escape?” first, then it would crush into your body. It would be very painful, but you’d probably pass out before “I don’t know. It doesn’t look like it, does it?” any of your vital organs got crushed. There’s more pain this way, but it’s a lower order of Richard Catalogue pain. On the other hand, let’s say you stand face on. It would be quicker this way, but- and here’s the important part - assuming you were of average build” (the second man has no idea what this is but he thinks he isn’t it) “you would probably naturally involuntarily suck in your stomach and chest so January reviewed the first point of contact between the wall and your body would be your nose, right? Now, can you March previewed imagine the pain as the wall crushed? Ribcage, Don’t miss a thing! and teeth, and your skull?”

The second man looks outside at lunchtime and Free www.gappytooth.com Editorial side with those expected lies by the respectable Just Say No establishment, the shocking truth is that everyone When the ambulance arrived By the time you read this and I put in an appear- you have ever met has been lying to you. You say They offered him a cream cracker he was already three days dead; ance this month, I may well have completed a mad fair enough, but then again, did you really know said it wouldn’t do no harm overdosed on fig rolls cross town dash from the Wheatsheaf, all in aid of that even your mum lied to you? Yes, I am afraid but we found him six months later was what the doctors said. supporting two bands I work with who are playing that she is a pathological liar. Read on, the truth is with crumbs all down his arm. different venues this evening. just a few lines further down. So, now children tell your parents So if you see me wandering round in a bit of a A week after he had that cracker and parents you tell yours haze (I’m not as fit as I was), step aside and leave Before we deal with your mum, however, let’s he tried a custard cream of the consequences following me to sleep where I collapse. observe our society’s favourite pastime from a said he’d only have the one from that initial crackered cause. Anyway it’ll be worth it to catch the cracking line up more general viewpoint. Recent research has but soon he began to dream that we have on tonight. The New Moon I’ve not showed that good looking females as well as It’s an easy road to fall down, heard before, but I can vouch for the excellance of their male equivalents lie even more than the of bourbons and pink wafers it’s a tempting slope to follow, Script and undertheigloo. less blessed mingers. These results have baffled and there beside his bed but remember those who fell before you This month’s Denture has been brought to you scientists across the globe, and caused many a soon sat a biscuit barrel from which when you feel inclined to swallow. with inspiration from the following albums; scalp to be scratched. Interesting theories were his waking dreams were fed. Sparks - Kimono My House, Johnny Cash at Fol- formed around this phenomenon. In the next A. F. Harrold som Prison, - Achtung Bono, section we will examine none but one. Sometimes he’d do two at once, the Midnight Cowboy OST and The Best of Flow- a ginger nut and a rich tea ered Up. Props also to the book Banksy - Wall and “The good lookers lie because you in general let and we knew he had a problem Piece and Get Your Kicks on the A456, as well as them get away with it, because they are just so when one day he gobbled three. Plan B magazine and its beautiful design. good looking”. That’s crazy talk, you say? Well, this theory happens to be grounded on generally He said we just were being silly, Cheers accepted science, such as biology (Theory of he said he could stop at any time Russell evolution) and psychology (Pavlov’s bitches). Just and besides he didn’t believe biscuits [email protected] like their good looks, the lying is found in their were immoral or a crime. DNA. DNA alone is not enough though. Theses Editor: Russell Barker www.russellsreviews.co.uk guys and girls are also conditioned to be liars by But the proof, we said, was in the pudding Design and deputy editor: Helen Polson their lying good looking parents and people like and he never seemed to stop www.brightside-photography.co.uk you. Combine hereditary and social factors and and soon it wasn’t just digestives you have got their equivalent to a cesspool for that he brought back from the shop. Contributors: bacteria. Some counter-scientists claim that this is A.F. Harrold www.afharrold.co.uk a lie. However, as a matter of fact, those scientists For as certain as water rains on you Rob Randell www.gappytooth.com are good looking. But what about my mum, you and as sure as enough’s enough Stephen Marshall www.livejournal.com/users/ ask? cream crackers will lead to bourbons snoozums which will then lead to harder stuff. Steven Brett Well, apart from remembering your own mum as Rob McLean truthful minger, do you remember the night when We hadn’t seen him for a while Helen Polson www.brightside-photography.co.uk you had that nightmare and she said there were and fearing he’d done something rash Richard Catalogue no ugly monsters? She never did tell you that the we crept into his house one night Karl Von-Helvete www.von-helvete.blogspot.com real monsters are good looking, did she? There to confiscate his stash. M@@ack www.mattolladew.blogspot.com may have been many reasons for her behaviour at Jonny Clemmey the time. However, the most likely one is that you We broke down the back door, quite possibly cannot handle the truth, but then it wasn’t locked, just badly hung, Cover photo by Steven Brett again, maybe you are a good looking liar brought and we found him in the front room up in a cesspool. Check your pants baby, check where he was laid among your fancy pants! Fancy Pants On Fire the metallic looking wrappers Karl Von-Helvete and the moulded plastic trays Saying it how it is! of decadent indulgences, a designer choc chip craze. At this moment you might think that the lies are just part of the Labour conspiracy to make you I don’t know where he got the money believe that Brazilians die of natural causes in the to satisfy his habit tube. That, nevertheless, just happens to be an because some of those posh biscuits Farm photograph by Rob McLean understatement of the problem at hand. Side by cost over a quid a packet. The Continuing Adventures of Hartwell Glissando cough. Staccato. John Black, sipping, Untitled Are you Mrs. Ana Bevir?” Ford hears the steps, waves a fat palm, “Please remove “Maybe.” these sundry whelps,” he langorously asks, but I stood there picking at my self, scratching and “Maybe not.” his man lays garrotted, let approaching rival flex. morning-yawning, with no great or burning “Prob’ly?” Jack Hughes, insalubrious barrister, adjusts passion. The mornings light was vague and blue, “Probably not.” cuff, and, collating briefs with immaculate Cough, laugh glissando. Jim Pixel wiping excess sloping across the threshold like a sorry stop-out, “Possibly?” manicure, imagines every jury malleable, paste along his slacks, doesn’t even hear the carrying slurred reports of the outside world. “Possibly definitely absolutely probably not.” repeating his mantra, it’s all lexis & syntax. warning creak, never even sees the reddened “I know that doesn’t make any sense. Even I know dial, is crouching still intent, as boiler blows. I looked through the post. Bill, credit, take away that.” John Black, supine in the jacuzzi, swills drinks menu. Another bill, a scented letter to a previous of artificial hue, sips shades of paradise, Hartwell Ford, chalice of our residues, unconscious tenant. Another bill. The hallway was too cold to I wondered at what age you could be convicted of reflects on job well done, clinks gemstone ring eye, reading Edgar Wallace found in skip, laughs. make sense of all this, so I went through to the mail fraud, and considered my options. I put the against cutglass, highly pleased with the tone. kitchen and wondered if she would be awake yet. blue envelope in front of her. Another revenge, if he did but know it. I placed the letters on the table and the kettle on Jim Pixel, disguised supremo, enters damp cellar the hob. I put some toast on for her, and thought She wiped her mouth, then I wiped her mouth, holding a Blackpool scrapbook under his debilitated about eating myself. then she wriggled forward and picked up the Another case closed, if he did but know it. left arm, his mind recalling favourite cuttings, letter. «brutal youth murder of popular Strathclyde wind I’d taste bad. I figured maybe I’d be better smoked Richard Catalogue band member, already being called Little Boy Blue than pickled, and rolled my self a cigarette. I “It’s smelly. Here, smell” Atrocity». Kneeling on cellar floor he pastes fresh unstuck my feet from the linoleum, plucked my excerpt, proud to serve his two new masters. way across the treacly floor, unglued a cupboard I’m big enough to know when to do what I’m told. door, pulled out a fresh tea-towel; laid it across the The letter smelt like pine sap made of saffron and Hartwell Ford, private eye, relaxed, Fairy Tale Poem cold cracked vinyl of the kitchen chair, fretted and civet. reading an Edgar Wallace paperback careworn through years of short-let attrition. found in a skip, laughs; his laughter trills When I was just an Ugly Duckling “Did you know that most perfume’s made of cat’s glissanding, his coughing racks staccato. I asked my mother By the time I had scraped frozen butter over wee?” “What will I be? lukewarm value toast, attended to the squealing “Don’t talk nonsense” Jack Hughes, addressing the court, whispers Will I be handsome? kettle, added debovinised milk substitute to the “No, it’s true, most perfumes are made from Civet, sotto lexis & syntax, finds his mind untethered Will I be a swan?” wan gray brown mixture in my mug, she had sat which comes from..” - from all his affluent new existence he misses Here’s what she said to me. down. “Shush, listen” roofs, his youthful garret at the other end of London, roofs interlocking, russet, black and “No, you’ll be a duck. “Do I have any post?” I was glad she’d shut me up. I couldn’t remember firmly tilted, roofs a new high causeway, roofs - he Just a particularly ugly one.” “You can open some of mine.” where Civet came from properly. can’t continue, his thoughts are tiles tesselate. A. F. Harrold “Why is there never any post for me here?” “Perhaps because you don’t owe anyone any She rattled the envelope. It rattled. He stumbles, dislodging a wig. money yet.” “I get letters at home, proper home.” “Do you think there’s a snake in there?” “Digital” by Stephen Marshall “Well, I think some are from me” “It would have to be a pretty small snake. Do you “And cards from Nana.” want me to open it for you?” “And cards from Nana” “No.” “And Madika sends me pictures.” I sat and blew the steam across my coffee as she Mandinka was my mother’s cat. And, apparently, a tugged at the top of the envelope. She’s made a fine photographer. little hole in the top, and I was worried about her getting a paper cut, and passed her a teaspoon. “Last Christmas she sent me a picture of herself in a Santa hat. And she did a paw-print” “You can open it with this. No, not like an egg, use the back of the..” A great artist always signs their work. “I know how to do it.”

“Eat your toast while it’s still hot.” And sure enough, after a little experimentation, “Who’s this letter to, the blue one. Is that my she did. name?” Jonny Clemmey I picked it out of her hands, looking at the small buttery paw print she’d put across the envelope. Introducing tonight’s entertainment January review as you know, Ladies and Gentlemen, not every assault is a good one. More like an aural insult Question The New Moon (Matt) The New Moon (Ian) Script There is a saying this time I’m afraid. Usually I can tell if a band will Introduce yourself. Hello, I’m Matt Sewell, and next to Salut les copains. My first name’s Ian, Hello, my name is Peter and tonight, that goes ‘be be worthwhile inside of a few songs, but the totally Who are you and me, sitting in the leather armchair, which, depending on where you’re Mathew, I am going to sing in Script. careful of the toes unworthy swagger of this trendite troop is instantly what do you do? flicking through a copy of Le Monde, from, might equally be John, Sean, you step on now, off-putting and wouldn’t allow me to get even that is Ian Nixon. Next to him, on the Jean, Juan, Giovanni, Ivan or Jan, because they far. One thing I can’t stand is faux-showmanship, other side of the roaring fire, sitting second name Nixon which is resolutely may belong to which is something these guys get a definite ‘A’ for. on a rug is Chris Hills, and next to Cumbrian (not a lot of people know the people whose Nevertheless I hold out some hope that this sonic him, skinning up on a djembe, is the that). Oh and I do music. I sing louche asses you will riot will get better, and I admit the instruments ghost of The Boy Cornelius. On the ballads with the Clochards, and play have to kiss later’. do sound wilfully clangy and discordant. This is jardinière is an aspidistra and some a bit of bass with the uncategorisable Or something. wrecked however by terrible vocals (Is this some DNA that will eventually form into New Moon, and very occasionally with I’m having one of sort of prerequisite for indie bands?). I don’t the shape of Jules Moss. Freizinger Redox and the Pete Fryer Band. those moments mean in the Shane-McGowan-terrible way either. is here too, sometimes. right now, hoping Actually painful. But then again, what do I know? to god The Holiday The London crowd are probably going to be jizzing What are your main Julian Cope, Robyn Hitchcock, Bob Jacques Brel, Leonard Cohen, Bob Beach Boys, Bowie, Prince, The Stabbings haven’t into their super tight jeans while eating these guys musical influences? Dylan, Patti Smith, Syd Barrett, Roy Dylan, Charles Mingus, Ornette Smiths, Suede, The Tindersticks, The found out I have up (or eating them alive if they had any sense). Harper, PJ Harvey, Buckleys T & J Coleman, The Chirelles, Jacques Velvet Underground… been making fun Final song: “You are fucking shit up” is a statement and bands like The Incredible String Dutronc, Edith Piaf, Hank Williams, of their name since for the prosecution if ever I heard one. Band, Can, Faust, The Magic Band, Johnny Cash, Gram Parsons, Gene I saw their poster a The Fall, and The Jazz Vincent, Ricky Nelson, Peggy Lee, while back, when I Calming my nerves with a few beers, I await to be Butcher Conspiracy. Billy Fury, Elvis, Tom Waits, Marc thought they were stabbed (hopefully not in the literal sense). This Ribot, Nick Cave, PJ Harvey, Teenage a punk band who duo, I have been reading of late, have caused Fanclub. wouldn’t give a quite a considerable stir in the Oxford music And non-musical Mostly just Doctor Who and a load Gabiel García Márquez, Flann O’Brien, Dean Moriarty, Samuel Beckett, Laurel shit anyway. Well, scene to say the least. Consequentially, part of ones? of old poets. Writers I like include Albert Camus, Patrick Hamilton; & Hardy. if the performance me was curious as to what the fuss was all about. Kurt Vonnegut, Flann O’Brien and French new wave and 60s British tonight is anything Now I can start to see. A clue was in the set up- Robert Anton Wilson. social realist cinema; Stanley Baxter, to go by, then that eschewing the traditional notion of what a band Vic Reeves, Father Ted, Still Game. should be the least should be, the instruments consist of a series I need to worry of electronic gadgets of various recognisablity Let’s play Desert Captain Beefheart & His Magic Charles Mingus – Mingus Ah Um, Pet Sounds – about. More on lying on the stage. I spot a guitar in the melee Island Discs. You Band – Trout Mask Replica, The Roxy Music – For Your Pleasure, Station to Station – David Bowie this ‘band’ later…. and as they start up their droning soundscapes, get 5 albums and a Beatles – White Album, Pink Floyd Johnny Cash – American Recordings, Heroes – David Bowie it is playfully fondled by a single drumstick. The book. What do you – Piper At The Gates Of Dawn, The Best of the Chirelles, Beethoven Parade – Prince Sometimes on a myriad of effects pedals are obviously there to choose? The Incredible String Band – The Piano Concerto No. 5. Patrick Hamilton The Queen is Dead – The Smiths Friday all you want produce variations on the constant humming Hangman’s Beautiful Daughter, The – Hangover Square to do is sit in a squall, but only serve to muddy the waters of an Fall – Hex Enduction Hour, Brian The Unnameable – Samuel Beckett chair, have a beer, already murky and depthless pond. I fear what Eno – Taking Tiger Mountain (By close your eyes we are being treated to sounds like a 40 minute Strategy). The Marriage of Heaven and reeeeelax. introduction to….something. When the band do & Hell – William Blake Luckily, feeling leave the stage part of me feels wiser for the pretty shattered, experience, but the rest of me just feels bored. Your March Dental Appointment 20.40 Where I’m Calling From this is exactly what Mark Sollis allows me to do. Maybe, like multi-dimensional string theory, He whacks away at his guitar (and in absence of we will understand this band in about 150,000 The Zodiac, Oxford Four teenagers whose alternately delicate and any percussion, slaps his face too) singing songs years. Maybe not. Besides, despite this being 31/03/06 abrasive sound ties together elements of New of longing and possibly lost love. With an act like the antithesis of easy listening music (debate £4.50 on the door, £4 with NUS card. Wave, alt.country and indie. this, on a particularly less than throbbing venue, about being described as music in the first place I thought a little infectious humour wouldn’t go notwithstanding), with acts like good old Robbie 19.45 Peter Wilkinson www.wicf.net amiss. Unfortunately this is conspicuous by its and Brittany allowed to exist, perhaps this little city absence. When Mark croons ‘I won’t be blue should focus its energies on the real enemy here. Singer-singwriter. A Thame lad now based in 21.35 Loopy without you’ I’m not so sure. He sounds pretty Southampton wielding an acoustic, with possible blue to me! M@@ack jazzy accompaniment from passing friends & Finest indie pop that effervesces and fizzes. acquaintances. Coming back from the bathroom, I’m faced with www.loopy.co.uk a full-on aural assault. Popular Workshop have www.myspace.com/peterwilkinson hit the stage, to a now slightly larger crowd. But