LNWW Alum - Franqi French
NG Management Rep: Tanya Rau Email: [email protected] Phone: 818-415-1124 Sketch #1
"THE WALKING KARENS" 2.
CAST MICHONNE: EGO NWODIM RICK: ALEX MOFFAT GLENN: BOWAN YANG KAREN 1: AIDY BRYANT KAREN 2: KATE MCKINNON ALPHA KAREN: CHARLIZE THERON (EPISODE HOST) BETA KEN: KENAN THOMPSON NEGAN: JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN (SURPRISE CAMEO)
INT. GROCERY STORE POST APOCALYPSE DAY MICHONE, RICK, & GLENN ARE INSIDE OF A BURNED OUT AND LOOTED GROCERY STORE FORAGING FOR ANY REMAINING SUPPLIES & CHATTING WHILE THEY SCAVENGE. THEY'RE ALL WEARING MASKS. RACISM IS AIRBORNE NOW AND ANYONE INFECTED TURNS INTO A KAREN OR A KEN. GLENN (whispering) Guys.
EVERYONE (whispering) Yeah?
GLENN (whispering) I really love Maggie.
EVERYONE (full volume) WE KNOW GLENN!
MICHONE Rick, look! Raisins, now I can make that canned potato salad just the way you like it. Maybe I'll find some black mayo!
RICK You know I prefer craisins. For the antioxidants. 3.
MICHONE We're in a post apocalyptic Karen hellscape Rick. Your fist world problems ended when the world melted into chaos and your wife left you for dead then started raising your son with your best friend.
RICK (Under his breath) At least I didn't drag my dead boyfriend and best friend around on a leash like pets.
MICHONE What?!
RICK Nothing, nothing. Uh, raisins are gods hard candy. Thanks Michone.
GLENN Oh my God! You guys! Come here quick!
MICHONE AND RICK RUN TO GLENN. RICK What happened?!
MICHONE What is it?!
GLENN Have you guys seen this pic I took of Maggie in the watch tower? Hashtag sleeping beauty. 4.
EVERYONE Shut up Glenn!
THEY HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OF THE STORE OPEN AND THE RUSTY CHIME OF THE DOOR BELL THEN A WOMANS VOICE. THEY KNOW IT'S NO ORDINARY WOMAN. ITS A SMALL HERD OF KARENS. THEY'RE ALL DRESSED IN KHAKIS AND TWIN SETS BUT THEIR CLOTHES ARE TATTERED AND DIRTY AND THEY'RE DECAYING LIKE ZOMBIES. ALPHA KAREN IS WITH THEM AND SHE'S BAREFOOT, WEARING BLACK PANTS AND A BLACK & WHITE STRIPPED T-SHIRT. SHE'S WEARING A KAREN MASK OVER HER HEAD AND CARRYING A SMALL .22 CALIBER HAND GUN. ONE OF THE KARENS HAS DINGED THE SERVICE BELL ON THE COUNTER. KAREN 1 I do not need a mask to be in this store and I want a manager now!!
MICHONE, GLENN & RICK MAKE THEIR WAY CLOSER TO ADDRESS THE KARENS. RICK Ma'am, this may come as a shock but you've already died from racism. You're-- you're a Karen now.
KAREN 2 Don't mansplain to us! We're white women in the greatest country in this state and our parents paid off our teachers to send us to the best schools!
KAREN 1 That's right! We didn't go to class and we both have a double masters from whatever ivy league college would impress you! 5.
GLENN I don't think they understand Rick.
KAREN 1 Speak English! This is America!
GLENN Uh, I am speaking English. (Then to Rick & Michone) I think the white privilege has spread to their brain. They can't understand us at all now.
KAREN 2 Are you even legal?!
GLENN What the fu--
KAREN 1 (Cutting Glenn off) What about her? She's clearly illegal too! Now get a manager before I call Isis!
MICHONE You mean I.C.E. And that doesn't exist anymore. Even if it did, he's from Michigan and I'm from Georgia.
ALPHA KAREN Silence!
ALL THE KARENS GO SILENT AND COWER BEHIND ALPHA KAREN. ALPHA KAREN PULLS HER KAREN MASK OFF TO REVEAL THAT SHE'S STILL HUMAN BUT WEARS THE KAREN MASK TO SURVIVE IN THIS NEW WORLD. 6.
ALPHA KAREN (CONT’D) I own this store and all the land that surrounds it. You people have broken my law and shall be puni--
MICHONE No one owns anything anymore. There's only survivors, the walking Karens and-- I-- I guess, you?
GLENN We're all just trying to make it. Like Maggie and me. I lo--
EVERYONE WE KNOW GLENN!
ALPHA KAREN Your people wear masks, there was no conflict. Your people kept a 6 foot social distance, there was no conflict. Now bring me your manager or THERE WILL BE CONFLICT!
IN WALKS BETA KEN BUT HE LOOKS LIKE CLARENCE THOMAS. HE'S WEARING STANDARD ISSUE KHAKIS, BROWN BELT, PINK POLO, HORN RIMMED GLASSES AND BRANDISHING AN ASSAULT RIFFLE. MICHONE, RICK & GLENN CLARENCE THOMAS?!
BETA KEN well yes, I-- I was Clarence Thomas BEFORE. (MORE) 7. BETA KEN (CONT’D) The racism took me right after my wife tried to get that (whispers) black lives matter (returns to full volume) sign removed from our town welcome sign. Now I'm (loud and verbose) THE HONORABLE BETA KEN!!
ALPHA KAREN It's just Beta, Ken, no honorable! We've discussed this 100 times Clarence! Now, as I was saying: ALL LIVES, EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT OPOSE ANYTHING I'M SAYING, BUT INCLUDING, ANY POLICE THAT SURVIVED, AND I GUESS THESE WALKING DEAD KARENS, MATTER! Now get me a manager before there is CONFLICT!
IN WALKS NEGAN COMPLETE WITH WRY SMILE, LEATHER JACKET AND LUCILLE AT HIS SIDE. NEGAN Did someone ask for a manager?
THE END 8.
SKETCH #2
"LOVE IN THE TIME OF CORONA" 9.
CAST BOB HONIT: ALEX MOFFAT BIG MIKE: POST MALONE (EPISODE HOST) SAMANTHA: HEIDI GARDNER ANDREA: EGO NWODIM TODD: MICKEY DAY
INT. GENERIC WHITE ROOM OPEN ON THE CEO OF BOOM, BOB HONIT IN A ROOM WITH AN ALL WHITE BACKGROUND TALKING DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA ABOUT HIS VIRTUAL CORPORATE MEETING PLATFORM AND INTRODUCING A NEW DATING PRODUCT. E-HARMONY-ESQUE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND BOB Hi, I'm Bob Honit, CEO of Boom. Over the past 10 years Boom has become number one in the virtual corporate meeting space, providing innovative cutting edge technology that keeps businesses together... as long as you can afford it. Now, with most of the world in quarantine, Boom has become an integral part of more than 80% of the business landscape today, effectively holding the global economy by the short and curlies. (used car salesman slick) Stay home, stay safe. (then) That's why there's never been a better time to introduce our customers to our new quarantine dating product: "Boom (beat) Boom". Boom Boom is exactly like Boom but now you can ask co-workers to have sex with you. (MORE) 10. BOB (CONT’D) Don't take it from me, ask one of our sexually satisfied customers.
CUT TO AN ALMOST IDENTICAL ROOM WITH A SINGLE GUY GIVING OFF SUPER CREEPY VIBES. E-HARMONY-ESQUE MUSIC STILL PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. BIG MIKE Hey everybody, I'm Mike. Ladies call me Big Mike (stupid laugh) and I loooooove Boom Boom. I can't get enough of it. 8am, I log in for my work conference call on Boom and then... Boom! Boom instantly becomes Boom-- Boom, all I have to do is just send a few strategically placed private messages to all of my mildly attractive ladylike coworkers.. ya know the ol': "Good morning beautiful" then I sit back and wait for the responses to pour in. Sure it's a slow, non existent dribble right now but I really believe in this product and once I PM these ladies my erotic fan fiction, I know that dribble will turn into a waterfall.
CUT BACK TO BOB 11.
BOB See! With Boom Boom it's as simple as that and now you can enjoy Boom dating features like: Boom Boom, Boom Bombing. Boom Bombing is when you log into a corporate meeting that you're in no way connected to then you do something crazy like: play random Tik Tok dance clips on everyones screens or just start singing Mary had a little lamb over the CFO's financial presentation or my personal favorite, activating your camera only to show everyone a close up of your junk. Lets see where our newest client, Samantha lands.
CUT TO SAMANTHA ALONE IN A ROOM LIKE THE ONE MIKE & BOB WERE IN. SAME MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. SAMANTHA I can't work, I've been alone in quarantine for 114 days now and I'm definitely giving off strong cat lady vibes (beat) but it's okay because I don't have cats (emphasis on the S) I have cat (emphasizes the T). Well not a pet cat, but it is a cat that I pet... excessively... (then under her breath) I'm so alone. (MORE) 12. SAMANTHA (CONT’D) Anyway, I've been doing a lot of self care, getting in tune with my (does a wink, click sound, whistle then finger guns pointing at her groin area) and now I can make it meow (muffled meow sound) but that's not weird. That just makes ME interesting. I may be a non- essential worker but feeding my cat has never been more essential. Thanks to Boom Boom, I can log into a random Boom link and Boom Bomb until I meet the man (winks) or woman of my dreams. I just search the internet for a corporate Boom link that's been accidentally made public and Boom! Their Boom call becomes a Boom... Boom for my poom poom.(muffled meow and simultaneous catlike batting motion with hand).
CUTS BACK TO BOB STILL IN THE SAME ROOM BOB It's that easy to find love on Boom Boom. We've literally taken our original product and changed nothing. (MORE) 13. BOB (CONT’D) All you have to do is sign up for Boom, pay your registration fee and be a total creep show. Now lets hear from one of our success stories.
CUT TO A COUPLE: TODD (WHITE) ANDREA (BLACK). THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE WELL PUT TOGETHER AND HAPPY. THEY'RE IN A SIMILAR ROOM AS EVERYONE BEOFRE THEM AND THE MUSIC IS STILL PLAYING. ANDREA We met on day 70 of quarantine, right at the start of the race wars. I remember it like it was yesterday.
TODD That's because all the days have merged into one crazy long mega day.
ANDREA Shut it Todd.
TODD Yas Queen.
ANDREA He was so cute sliding into my Boom PM's during our virtual sales retreat. He was all like: "How can I be an ally my Nubian Queen? Would spanking me vigorously be a good start for reparations?" -- (both stare blankly with plastic smiles on their faces) I blocked him immediately. 14.
TODD But Boom allows you to create as many profiles as you want so, I made a new one and was able to to start begging Andrea to absolve me of my white guilt almost instantaneously.
ANDREA (To Todd) Did I give you permission to speak?
TODD SQUIRMS EXCITEDLY ANDREA (CONT’D) (Still to Todd) Now close your mouth till momma tells you to open it. (Now into the camera) He was relentless! Finally I said: FINE! You wanna be mommas little bitch boy then come to my house, quarantine in my basement, in a chest, wearing this leather bondage suite for fourteen days and I'll warm up the cat of nine tails.
TODD Pure bliss ever since. (whispers to Andrea) I made a tinkle... spank me.
ANDRE IS CLEARLY AT HER WITS END WITH TODD AND HE COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED FOR WHATEVER "PUNISHMENT" SHE'S ABOUT TO SERVE AS ITS NOW CLEAR FROM THEIR CONVERSATION THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED IN BDSM AND TODD IS THE SUBMISSIVE. ANDREA REACHES OFF CAMERA AND PULLS BACK WITH AN ORAL BALL GAG IN HER HAND AND SHE CALMLY FASTENS IT OVER HIS MOUTH. 15.
ANDREA We found love AND we're doing the work to make the world a better place. Thanks to Boom, Todd knows that Black Lives Matter.
TODD (muffled and mumbled) Stronger together.
ANDREA (To Todd) Lick my boots... now.
TODD (muffled and mumbled) How? (points at gag in his mouth)
ANDREA (To Todd) Momma said: "Make it work!"
TODD SLIDES DOWN OFF CAMERA ANDREA (CONT’D) Boom for the culture.
CUT BACK TO BOB BOB That's right folks, Boom Boom is WOKE and we DO NOT tolerate discrimination or racism of any kind. (exaggerated used car salesman voice) unless it's your kink. (MORE) 16. BOB (CONT’D) So, instead of being alone in quarantine why don't you quaranadult and sign up for Boom and get some Boom Boom in your life... after a 14 days.
YOU HEAR A LOUD OFF CAMERA MEOW AND THEN BIG MIKE. BIG MIKE O.V. ME-YOW Big Mikey likey!
THE END 17.
SKETCH #3
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE" 18.
CAST TRUMP: ALEC BALDWIN (CAMEO) BIDEN: JASON SUDEIKIS (EPISODE HOST) OBAMA: CHRISS REDD GUIDE 1: EGO NWODIM STEPHEN: COLIN JOST
INT BEDROOM NIGHT TRUMP IS IN AN OLD TIMEY MENS NIGHT GOWN COMPLETE WITH NIGHT CAP. THE ROOM LOOKS LIKE THE OLD SCHOOL BEDROOM FROM "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" WITH A CANDLE LAMP ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. TRUMP (mumbles in his sleep) Huuuuuuuuuuge.
WE CAN SEE A MIST AND HEAR THE FAINT SOUND OF CHAINS THEN A PERSON APPEARS NEXT TO THE BED. IT'S A WOMAN COMING OUT OF A MIST. SHE'S WEARING SEVERAL BANGLE BRACELETS MAKING IT CLEAR THAT THE JINGLING CAME FROM HER JEWELRY. GUIDE 1 (fumbles with iPad screen clearly unorganized and looking for what to do next) TRUMP!
TRUMP (slowly waking kind of mumbling still half sleep) Mine, mine, it's all mine! I'm the King of America! Huh, oh uh, who are you?
GUIDE 1 (still fumbling through his iPad looking for info and chewing gum) Please bear with me, I'm just a replacement specter. 19.
TRUMP Replacement for who? The liberal media?
GUIDE 1 What? No. Epstein. He was in purgatory awaiting judgement when he (uses air quotes) had an unfortunate mishap (beat) again.
TRUMP So why are you here? Is it another (uses air quotes) briefing? Putin said I don't have to read those.
GUIDE 1 Pretty sure he shouldn't be advising you and also sure that you SHOULD read those briefings. Anyway, the Secret Service Agent that explained Juneteenth to you, made a wish that you would one day become woke and understand why you shouldn't have your campaign rally on Juneteenth. I was sent here by the ancestors to facilitate your wake up call. So, tonight you will be visited by three spirits. The guides of Juneteenth past, present & future. (MORE) 20. GUIDE 1 (CONT’D) You'll know when they're about to arrive when you hear the sound of the black national anthem.
TRUMP The wha...?
GUIDE 1 You'll know it when you hear it. It'll sound just like the music you're used to listening to but with soul.
WE HEAR "LIFT EVERY VOICE" FADE IN GUIDE 1 (CONT’D) That's the guide of Juneteenth past coming now.
A MIST FILLS THE ROOM AND WHEN ITS GONE WE SEE THE GUIDE OF JUNETEENTH PAST HAS ARRIVED AND IT'S OBAMA TRUMP Obama? I out lived you?
OBAMA Now hold on Donny. I'm alive and well. The image you see before you is an astral projection.
TRUMP I know all about projecting. Why are you here?
OBAMA I'm your guide for Juneteenth past. Kiss my ring and we'll be on our way. 21.
TRUMP KISSES BARRY'S RING OBAMA (CONT’D) (laughs) I was just messing' with ya. All I have to do to begin your journey is this: (snaps fingers)
A MIST FILLS THE SCREEN THEN DISSIPATES. WHEN IT CLEARS YOU CAN TELL THAT TRUMP AND OBAMA ARE RETURNING FROM THE PAST. TRUMP Woah, that was Juneteenth in 1960? Amazing, we did great job. Really the best Juneteenth celebration from anyone, ever. This proves how good I am to the the blacks. We stayed away from them that whole day and we didn't even know about Juneteenth. We even left the pool so they could enjoy it all to themselves and that nice police officer sprayed a group with the water hose to cool them off on such a hot June day.
OBAMA If I thought my words could get through I would explain everything YOU just said, back to YOU.
TRUMP What was that? Huh? I couldn't hear you over the sound of you handing me your birth certificate. 22.
OBAMA Watch yourself Donny. Ol' Supreme Court subpoenaed your tax records in the face ass. If I had the time, you'd have the right one today. I gotta get back before Biden slips into my body while I'm gone just so he can see what it's like to be black.
WE HEAR "LIFT EVERY VOICE" FADE IN. A MIST FILLS THE SCREEN THEN DISSIPATES. OBAMA IS GONE AND BIDEN IS STANDING IN HIS PLACE. TRUMP Oh hey Joe, are you here to tell me that you're dropping out of the presidential race?
TRUMP PRESSES AN INTERCOM AND SPEAKS INTO IT TRUMP (CONT’D) (into the intercom) Stephen, call a presser, Biden's here to quit the race and I just won the 2020 election!
STEPHEN V.O. Copy that!
BIDEN I'm your guide of Juneteenth present Donald. I'm still running. (then into the camera) Vote for a cup of good ol' Uncle Joe. Biden 2020. 23.
TRUMP (into intercom) Cancel the presser. I was completely wrong about why he's here.
STEPHEN V.O. Copy that! We never called one. We were still placing bets on if we should or not. Clear.
BIDEN SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND THE MIST RETURNS THEN DISSIPATES. AGAIN, YOU CAN TELL THAT THEY'VE JUST RETURNED FROM THEIR MYSTICAL TRIP TO JUNETEENTH PRESENT. TRUMP That can't be Tulsa. We have eight hundred thousand seats reserved.
BIDEN The venue only holds nineteen thousand. (into the camera) With the grace of Jones and goodwill of the hood, vote for Biden. That's what my grandfather used to say.
TRUMP Parscale said this would be the biggest rally of all time by ten times, clearly your magical time travel portal thing is wrong. Fake news. The only thing it got right is that I made Juneteenth famous confirming that I, Donald J. (MORE) 24. TRUMP (CONT’D) Trump, has done more for the blacks than any president that has ever been in history. Ever. Especially Obama who's big mess I had to fix. That's why the country is shut down for maintenance.
BIDEN Well, it's official, you're more confused then I am... and that's more than enough for good ol' Uncle Joe. (then into the camera) I know I'm not suppose to like muscle cars, but I like muscle cars.
THE MIST RETURNS AND WHEN IT DISSIPATES BIDEN IS GONE AND GUIDE 1 HAS RETURNED. GUIDE 1 Okay, Donny ple-- (Trump cuts her off)
TRUMP President Trump or King Trump either one is fine.
GUIDE 1 Uh okay, please sign here confirming that we've done all we can to educate you on Juneteenth and explain why you shouldn't hold your Tulsa rally on June 19th. 25.
TRUMP I'll sign and I'll move my rally the the 20th but that's only because I made Juneteenth really famous and now I don't want to compete with myself and the new holiday I made for my blacks.
TRUMPS SIGNS THE IPAD THEN TRUMP (CONT’D) Wait, what about the guide of Juneteenth future?
GUIDE 1 (laughs) You're 74... come on now. Future? But don't worry about all that. What's important now is...
EVERYONE THAT HAS BEEN IN THE SKETCH RETURNS TO VIEW. EVERYONE LIVE FROM NY IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
THE END