nto the final quarter of 2007 What a ride it has been. Our e are approaching the end of another busy year I club continues to go from strength to strength. I mean 32 W and there is lots still to come. We have had turning up for training on a Sunday afternoon.!! Unheard of visitors from Happy Valley RFC in town recently and in the western world. And then there is the after training, what a great weekend. We also played the Southern- “rehydration” sessions at the restaurant across the road. ers a couple of weeks ago and won 15–7. A magic Beer drinking records tumble by the week. The restaurant game and better still, all those who turned up to play owner must be a very happy fella. managed to get game time. The Hong Kong Valley Boys were in town recently for a I would like to remind all that the committee does it’s game and the Banger won by a convincing score 1-0.!! best for the benefit of all the membership. We don’t What can we say about the Colts that has not already been always get it right, but we try our best. If anyone has said. The historic victory 15-7 against the Southerners was constructive criticism, we have open ears but please simply a magnificent team effort. Tom’s training is obviously keep it sensible. paying off Those of you who toured to Phuket, will recall that we The Rugby World Cup continues to thrill. The 2.00am kick- gave 14,000 Baht out of the sock for the benefit of 2 offs are taking their toll, however worth staying up for. children to enable them to go to school for one year. I Some real surprises amongst the “minnows” . have received the details on the children we are A lot of club activity coming up. With the Bangkok Interna- sponsoring and have put them on the club notice tional 7’s on the 26th October and the tour to the Angkor board in the Wall Street club rooms. I encourage you 10’s, Phnom Phen in November. to read it. Other social activity in the wind is the end of year party. Not The Cambodian tour is fast approaching. It would to be missed. Details to be advised make the organisers job a little easier if you would Remember, if you ever want anything included in the Ban- respond promptly confirming you are on board. The ter, send me an email [email protected] committee have also made a decision, based on a member survey, we will tour to the Vintage Rugby Mike celebration in NZ in 2008. Hope to see you all there as this is the big one. The inaugural Banger-Lions Ball is on October 13th. We need you support. Proceeds will be shared by the Bangers and Lions to further rugby in Thailand. Our sponsorship proposal is ready to send to inter- ested companies who would like to sponsor our ac- tivities. On the subject of sponsorship, we are joining with the Bangkok Lions in a coaching clinic organised by Andy Campbell. This will be the first time we have sponsored youth rugby in Bangkok but it certainly won’t be the last. Your's in Rugby Andrew • GOOD WORKOUT AGAINST PATTANA STUDENTS The recent game against the Pattana International School students has now become a regular fixture on the Banger rugby calendar. Not only does it give the students the opportunity to test their skills against experienced players moreover provides a “rugby bridge” for graduates to join the Bangers and play for the Colt’s. • HONG KONG VALLEY RUGBY CLUB WINS ONE LOSES ONE The Hong Kong Valley Rugby Club was recently in town for two matches. The Banger side played the Hong Kong Old Boys and their first grade side played the Southerners. The Bangers managed to salvage a win. After the post game beers at the outdoor restaurant, the Valley boys were treated to a BBQ and free beers back at Wall Street with the ongoing party stretching later in the evening down in Soi Cowboy • BEER RECORD SMASHED AT AFTER GAME FUNCTION The after game beer sessions hit a new high. 101 large bottles of Heinekens. Mind you they had some help from Southerners. Wise heads have decided to separate the after training and after game beer records. The after training score stands at 81. • 32 ROCK UP FOR TRAINING Two weeks ago 32 players turned up recently for training on Sunday at the Pattana International School. This broke all club records. Considering that players have to travel from all over Bangkok to get to ground, this shows a real commitment and effort to the team and club. Its no wonder that the Colts are playing so well. • BANGER COMMITTEE START EARLY TO SIGN NEXT SEASONS SPONSORS The Committee are on the ball this year coordinating next years club sponsors. A proposal will be sent out to all cur- rent and past sponsors and all corporates that have shown interest in sponsoring the Bangers for the 2009 season. Company budgets for the next fiscal year are generally set in November-December of the proceeding year. The committee in their wisdom, decided to get cracking and get the club proposal out early. • REBEL TOUR TO FAT BOY TENS A non playing Banger squad attended the Fat Boys Tens in Angeles City Philippines recently. There was no rugby as it teemed down for the entire weekend. This did not stop the lad enjoying themselves and indulging in what Angeles City has to offer. • BANGERS OFF TO CHRISTCHURCH VETS TOURNEY The committee decided at their last meeting, the club would send a team to the Vintage Rugby carnival in Christ- church, New Zealand, October 2008. Member were asked to vote whether they wanted to go to the Golden Oldies Rugby Festival in Edinburgh Scotland or Christchurch. The New Zealand “Garden City” won by a whisker. • BANGERS COLTS BEAT THE SOUTHERNERS The Banger Colts have come of age. There historic win against the Southerners 15–9 on the 23rd of September was well deserved with a good all round performance. There have been signs that Bangers were on track for a victory against their expat rivals, when the veteran side played so well against the Southerners recently in the Pattaya Tens.

THIS YEAR IS ENTERING it’s last quarter and from were I sit on the Sideline, it has flown by… We have seen so many dubious referee decisions this year. The most notable being all decisions that have gone against that mighty All Blacks. Sport is as close as you get to justifiable religion. Good honest contests played in the context of winning, none of this cowardly terrorism carry on. The world will be a better place to live, if only we could contest all disputes on the sports field rather than on the battle field. Now that I have got that off my chest…... You can see from what I have scribed, I am getting old, my playing days well behind me. Still one has to wonder if we had it over again……would we do the same. Wonder no more, as we will never know because it doesn't happen like that……How many times have we heard the commentary team screw it? IF ONLY he had passed the score line would be different……IF THERE was another 10 minutes left it would be a different story…………IF THEY had found touch we would have a lineout 10 meters out instead they are having to defend. All poppycock dribble that what it is. Nothing more nothing less…………see you at the Wall of Knowledge. Remember The Sideline Eye is always watching WHO TRAINS PLAYS In an obvious deference to the SAS motto ‘Who Dares Wins’ some rugby clubs try to impose a stricture of ‘Who Trains Plays’. At the Bangers some people say we should follow this rule but, in my opinion, we cannot operate such a dictat for many reasons. It would not take a be-wigged barrister to the court of King James to find loop holes in this restriction. Also, once you impose one law you will find it’s a slippery slope to a whole string of qualifications for playing. There will always be exceptions for good reason. Here are some I’ve encountered over the years :- Who trains plays except when we’re short and you have two legs to make up the numbers. Who trains plays except new guys who have great looking wives or girlfriends. Who trains plays except anybody who has dirt on the coach. Who trains plays except potential sponsors with big bucks to spend. Who trains plays except members of swinger clubs who pass on phone numbers. Who trains plays except guys who don’t make fun of the coach’s junior in the shower. Who trains plays except guys who show up for post training record breaking drinking. Who trains plays except guys who ride mopeds 15 kilometers to the game in a rainstorm. Who trains plays except guys with a Jonny Wilkinson making a comeback syndrome. Who trains plays except smart asses who we want to see get smashed. Who trains plays except minorities protected by the UN and sing Bread of Heaven. The list could go on so if you have any other exceptions send them to me at [email protected] and you can be sure of a game anytime.

I HAVE BEEN GETTING HASSLES from Mike, for my late submission of my few lines for this edition of the Ban- ter…….the delay was for a reason I wanted to include yesterday’s game -23 Sept - against our friends the Southern- ers. VICTORY! On an historical day for the Bangers we took on our friends the Southerners in a “full-on” 80 minute game of rugby. Bangers ending up winning 15-7, this margin of victory would have been more if we had not contracted Trev’s white line fever, some clear cut chances going begging, nevertheless, an outstanding victory. Thanks to all those who pulled on the Bangers shirt and the supporters who cheered us on. Special Thanks to Tom and Trev for organizing everything on the sidelines and Pete and Bob for leading us on the pitch. The same day saw our first Bangers full Haka and the lads put away 101 big Heinies! We also had a well deserved win against a strong team from Valley club, Hong Kong, in early September, yet an- other outstanding effort! The next couple of months are busy for the Bangers with the Bangalions Ball on the 13th Oct the Bangkok Interna- tional 7’s on the 26th Oct and the much anticipated Cambodia tour in early November. Oh, and then there’s the fin- ishing stages of the World Cup!! The Old Bangkok Bangers continue to grow and develop as one of Asia’s leading rugby clubs. Go Bangers! WELL IF THE SEASON continues like it has begun we will have a tremendous Senior Team made up of the never say die Old Bangers and the new and growing raft of newcomers who continue to roll up on a Sunday afternoon. As for those Sunday afternoons I must doff my cap to Tom for keeping it real, interesting and knackering for all types of Banger! 30 trainers the week before I wrote this which ain’t bad to be getting along with! A select few led by our South African incumbent are even shaming this fat lad into pyramid sprints at the end of training. Onto the social input of these newbies.... well they have been a mixed bag with our very own Fijian flyer Carlos help- ing Coach Tom and Jeff to rekindle their flagging interest in beer and Long Gun. We even broke the beer record at the Red and White with a guesstimated 82 with some interesting results...... Young Paddy will also be Tom'd a little too easily I fear but we have yet to witness the actual assimilation. With plenty of games on the horizon, including 7's and 10's tournaments, the future looks bright for those bright young things in the colts, ably supported by more than a couple of planetary Bangers. Tates

MANCHESTER UNITED SIGN 9 YEAR OLD WONDER MANCHESTER HAVE SIGNED a gifted nine-year-old after his grandfather sent the Premier League champions a DVD showcasing the boy's talents which has become a YouTube sensation. Rhain Davis, who was born in England but has lived in Australia since the age of four, was hailed by the British press on Thursday as the next Wayne Rooney after the United striker. The boy's dribbling and goal scoring prowess for an Under-10 side in Brisbane, Australia, feature in a four-minute YouTube clip, already viewed more than 800,000 times. United confirmed the signing but played down the hype around Davis, who has moved back to Cheshire in northern England with his father, near the club's training ground. "He's a member of our academy and we don't comment on individual members," a United spokes- man told Reuters. He added that the club sign about 40 players of Davis's age every year and, as is standard, will decide annually whether to renew his contract or release him. What was so unusual in Davis's case was that his skills were brought to the attention of United's youth scouts by the DVD submission, which could inspire other hopefuls, the spokesman said. "We're bracing ourselves for a whole se- ries of DVDs," he added. Davis has been thrilled at the chance to rub shoulders with some of his idols. "The best part has been meeting lots of players like Wayne Rooney," he told British newspapers. WE LOVE TO HATE CERTAIN TEAMS depending on our nationality or heritage: Aussies and Kiwis don't much en- joy the successes of the other, ditto Ireland and Wales. But it seems to me that most feelings of the raging dislike variety is reserved for England and South Africa, regardless of where rugby fans sit in relation to the equator. Are they really that bad, or are the rest of us jealous? The Springboks are dirty cheats, and England smug snobs, I hear. What the average punter detests is an on-field thug, and South African lock has such a reputation. Botha has been accused of eye gouging, biting, and generally being a cheap-shot merchant. Fans also possess elephant-like memories of off-field misdemeanours. England veteran lost the national captaincy after inadvertently telling newspaper reporters from News of the World, disguised as advertising executives, that he took cocaine and ecstasy on the 1997 Lions tour of South Africa, dealed in drugs before becom- ing a professional footballer and had sex romps with prostitutes. Dallaglio later denied all claims - except experimen- tal drug use as a teenager - saying he was trying to impress the bogus executives, but the self-caked mud stuck. Botha and Dallaglio are taking part in the World Cup. Are we hating the teams because of the actions of individual players, or does it spread deeper, as I suspect, to the team's supporters, many who are seen to have superiority complexes? Why are we so unkind?

EARLIER THIS YEAR – the actual date is uncertain – The Old Bangkok Bangers launched their annual attack on all things golf at Bangkok Golf Club. Many of the details remain obscure as a result of advanced Alzheimers and the copious quantity of alcohol consumed on the day. The Bangers arrived at Wall Street, the rendezvous point, at the crack of dawn. After polishing off jugs of Morning Mary’s, washed down with Heineken we boarded the coaches stocked with even more liquor, for the journey to the golf club. Soi Dog had thought this through well. That part of the day is relatively clear, thereafter the picture be- comes a little murky. The Leprechaun team were the first to tee off wearing headwear more suited to a West End pantomime. It become apparent later in the day the leprechauns were disguised IRA freedom fighters evident when their five irons were transformed into AK 47’s. Well, they didn’t work as five irons! Allegedly, the editor of the “Banger Banter” was the only one to achieve the impossible, on the Swissair cheese hole. What he did and how he did it remains a puzzle. Perhaps it had something to do with the obligatory Tequilas admin- istered at the tee box. Most other details of the day are completely forgotten – probably a good thing as “what goes on course, stays on course”. It is believed the camera used to record proceed- ings was of a new design - no film! Digital technology as been around a while, but after so much liquor, finding the right button to push was a mammoth task. No images were ever found – ex cappie should take note for when he next plans to juggle the ball a yard from the try line! The prize giving at the gourmet “fish pond” restaurant was up to the same standard as the golf – a bloody fiasco. Soi Dog successfully awarded prizes to all his friends before hastily retrieving them to giving them to the rightful winners. Some Kiwis had rough sheep sex in the bus on the way home as someone had forgotten to bring the sheep and if enough booze had not been downed already, the horde descended on the club rooms to eat and drink even more. If not being able to remember the day is a sign of a good day, this was a day to remember! Until next year I RECKON I NOW KNOW why France has produced so How many of the current French backline would make a many great backs like Serge Blanco and Philippe Sella World XV? Would any get into the Wallaby, Springbok or or the great Jo Maso, the French team manager, who All Black backlines? A year ago, I’d have argued the still sports his 70s bubble perm. Forget those trendy case for second five-eighths Yannick Jauzion. But he traffic cones favoured by footy coaches. Young French was embarrassed by both Ma’a Nonu and Luke McAl- players grow up practising their sidestep by dodging ister on last November’s All Black tour. dog poop on the sidewalks. The pavements are littered I can’t quite buy the hype here that the French XV are with Fido’s last lunch. going to repeat the World Cup winning feats of their foot- Kids must grow up here constantly changing direction, ball counterparts in 1998. It’s a theory based on the sup- propping off both feet, ducking and weaving to avoid position that passionate, parochial French crowds, sing- having some foul-smelling parcel stuck to the soles of ing their inspiring anthem, La Marsellaise, will lift their their trainers. For such a sophisticated nation, which local heroes to new heights. I’m sure that’s true, to a prides itself on its art, culture and architectural heritage, degree. it’s a shame France isn’t as concerned about the state Any parallels with the French football team of ‘98 are of its streets. Someone could make a fortune here by disingenuous. That side had the world’s best player, patenting a pooper scooper. Zinedine Zidane, a host of hardened pros like Laurent Still, maybe things are changing in France. Perhaps the Blanc and Emmanuel Petit and outstanding young talent doggy-dunnit problem isn’t so bad as it once was be- in Thierry Henry and David Trezeguet. France’s best cause the current set of French backs don’t have the players are back-rowers. And, again, how many of them swerve and verve of their illustrious predecessors. They would make the Wallabies, All Blacks, Springboks run- are route-one operators without the élan and flair to on XVs? conjure scores as stylish as “the try from the end of the It may be heresy to say it, but France isn’t necessarily earth’’ which beat the All Blacks in in 1994. guaranteed of topping its group here.

THE OLD BANGKOK BANGERS welcomed the Valley team from Hong Kong putting on a BBQ and 100 beers. Most of the Valley team stayed and watched the first world cup game Argentina v France. The Bangers played against their Golden Oldies and won 1-0 whilst their younger team played against the Southerners and won. The Tri Nations have now been completed and the World Cup showcase has begun. This has meant the clubrooms has been open for early morning games. No celebrities have visited recently, but we are getting a lot of visitors from overseas who want to watch the rugby games at a sports bar. The Bangers have a full program over the next few months playing the Southerners, defend- ing the 7’s trophy and regaining the Weasel cup at the Angkor 10’s in Cambodia. We are also hosting the Shanghai Shaggers for rugby, pool, darts and golf. The Clubrooms has been active in sourcing the Aussi Rules and Rugby League games LIVE over the final weeks. We will be looking at all games live next year. Combined with live showing of all cricket games it’s been a busy few months.

PLENTY OF ACTION happening at the Wall of Knowledge these days with at time of writing the upcoming NRL and AFL grand finals, the 20/20 cricket final thriller and the completing of the Rugby World Cup pool stage Shane was shocked into silence by the non appearance of a Queensland team in the NRL final and rowdy tourists to Wall St have proven the hate of Manly still burns brightly - they will either be ecstatic or morose come the weekend. And poor old Tom Kerr, he has aged years in the last 3 weeks and to get a grin on his weathered features Ireland have to win by a 4 try bonus point plus 7 point margin - They haven't scored 4 tries in the whole tournament yet have they Tom ? Go Ireland ! Mumbles, David D, and Dodgy Douglas leading the tipping competition at this mid way stage - let's see if they have Australia to win the final ERNESTO BERTARELLI HAS ANOUNCED the en- just trying to further our sport". trance of his new team into the 2011 Rugby World Ernesto Bertarelli stated that upon winning the World cup Cup . "I have been interested in rugby ever since my they would be happy to host the next cup in Switzerland. childhood," The Swiss billionaire, and owner of the "As the new holders we can raise the cup to new levels of Americas Cup, stated " As a child I slept with a rugby professionalism and integrity, and really ball in my cot, and trained on the greatest rugby fields make some money out of it." in Switzerland. I want to follow my interest by entering A poll of Swiss citizens underscored the enthusiasm of the the Swiss rugby team in the next World Cup ". average Swiss for the team. "I am looking very much to Bertarelli's announcement was embraced by the Swiss seeing the next world cup" Mr.Swartznager said "Ve have president who stated, "Switzerland has a long and been underrated for too long, now we can take our true proud rugby history. I think that we can teach the world place in the tennis world". about tolerance and optimism in rugby instead of the Other people interviewed believed Rugby to be a new nationalism and backbiting that exists now in the an- fashion store or fast food "Vatever it is we are happy to tipodes". He added, "Gaining the Rugby World Cup will buy it" Stated Mrs. Bicknekkle "Ve love shiny cups, and be a great achievement for the Swiss nation and show have bought a lot of them recently". the world our true sporting prowess" The team members names have been released to the me- The Alinghi Team have welcomed 27 new immigrants dia with many familiar players making up their imported to their Rugby team from New Zealand recently. Jonah side. Lomu, the latest Swiss citizen was rumored to be heav- Players touring could include: ily reimbursed for his switch to Alinghi. Lomu evasively answered the question on money saying only "they Christian Von Cullen, Markus Robinssen, Benji Blair, Keith gave me MTV". Lowenbrau, Johan Lomustein , Carlos Spencerini , Doug Howlettenbrau, Andrew Von Mehrtenssen, Tana Umatter- Andrew Mehrtens was happy captaining his new team. horn, Danni Leeberstraum, Regan Skiing, Stephan De- "I feel that us Swiss will be able to match any team in vine, Pauli Steinmetz, Taine Randelloosi, Ali Villiams, Sam the world and bring out the strong Swiss heritage we Broomschtickenhall, Kees Meeuwsenfarter, Marti Yodel- all possess", Mehrtens stated. It is rumored that Me- Holah, Tony Voodcocke, Joe De McDonnelle, Rodni So'oi- hrtens has been given Lichtenstein as payment for his yodel'ee'oo, Karl Haymanstrasse, Daniel Braidenhorst, efforts. Keithe Robinssen, Keven Mealamunchen, Bradley Mika- Tana Umaga agreed with his captain "As Swiss citizens Hakkinen, Andreu Horemunger. we are proud of our rugby and are not just in it for the The team is coached by the former Vorld Cup captain money" he added. "We are honorable professionals Bukke Schellfforde. WHOSE IDIOTIC IDEA was it to conflate, for example, movies and hu- man beings with dollops of supernatural sauce. Its hardly seem possible that there is anyone our there whose grip on reality is so tenuous that they could be seduced the fanciful drivel of copy writers and sports re- porters and announcers. Most grumps would not be bothered with this sort of tosh. The problem is it is everywhere. Newspaper and magazines are crammed with mindless gibberish purporting to be informative which is both a dismal use of the English language and a complete waste of paper. “The biggest movie of 2007” screams the headline. What on earth does that mean? The criteria is never explain weight, length, cost, more and bigger explosions, the longest credits ever collated or the heftiest admis- sion charges ever. Its turns out to be another lifeless Hollywood block- buster described almost in expletives intended to praise, which suggests the “biggest” does not refer to explosives. Appropriately enough, these are the bombs that clutter the bargain bins where they are sold off cheaply three months after their release. When you enter the world of sports journalism you find your self in Crea- tive Cliché Land. The reporter/announcers rarely bat, pitch, bowl, hit or kick rather they hammer, slam, crash the sport they are reporting on. The subject matter is likely to have “faced uphill struggles” and “climbed great personal mountains”. You would think they were describing an afternoon patrol in downtown Baghdad with a company of marines but it turns out it’s a tennis match, boxing or water polo. This kind of excess maybe ex- cusable in the case of rugby, but even then it is of doubtful value. Some- one need to take these guys aside and remind them that they are not reading from the Book of Revelations nor are they reporting on a war. Is only a game, usually though but not always, involving a ball, a grassy paddock, perhaps a hole in the ground maybe some sticks and or a net and in the scheme of things is an event which does really doesn’t matter all that much. You would think on the face of it that what was being de- scribed was the struggle for sainthood of Mother Teresa

• Patch a radiator hose • Fillet a fish • Protect your computer • Maneuver a car out of a skid • Rescue someone who has capsized his boat • Get a car unstuck • Frame a wall • Back up data • Retouch you digital photographs • Paint a room • Back up a trailer • Mix concrete • Build a campfire • Clean a bolt action rifle • Fix a dead outlet • Change oil and filter • Navigate with a map and compass • Hook up a HDTV • Use a torque wrench • Bled car brakes • Perform CPR • Paddle a canoe

SUPPORT YOUR CLUB - OLD BANGKOK BANGERS THE BANTER HAS ASKED ME to write a few words on to send a clear message to the IRB that we want to de- my Rugby World Cup (RWC) days. As Mike puts it, I cide ourselves where we allot the monies they give us. have “been there done that”. It was along time ago. No First of all, more dollars most be spent to harvest our pictures I am afraid as they are all back in Canada. I fair share of thought however I would write something on the chal- good young ath- lenges of putting together a national squad in Canada letes. That is There are many bright lights for Canada so far in this certainly ham- 2007 RWC campaign. Much to build on. I think that the pered by the fact coaching staff did a credible job preparing this team men- that the younger tally, technically and physically with what they were given age group na- to work with in the way of resources. The players many tional teams who left behind their have to pay to jobs and family and play in Canada. Given a choice between sports that over half of whom are offer greater media exposure along with scholarships amateurs, played in this and other financial incentives rugby will not be a viable tournament for national option for most young athletes. pride and not financial Money must be spent to create a North American inter remuneration, have city league that is televised. To create overseas TV in- certainly put on a gal- terest I would suggest there would have to be foreign lant display of rugby player content. against what for the Create an international competition (Canada ,USA and most part have all pro- Argentina along with say Romania, Georgia, Portugal or fessional players. There Canada and the USA against 4 of the Six Nations "A" is also a large contin- national sides) that is played at the same time frame as gent of great young the Six Nations when all the European clubs do not play players that will hope- and in turn our Canadian pros would be available. fully still be available for the 2011 RWC Canada should have a close look at what Argentina did To be able to properly prepare for the next RWC and the that took them from being on par with Canada some 15 ones thereafter, I think there are a number of things that years ago to where now they are ranked 4th in the need to be addressed. Some we have domestic control world and have established themselves as legitimate over but much of it lays in the hands of the world govern- contenders for the 2007 RWC. This is also a amateur ing body - the International Rugby Board (IRB) union who recently was on the verge of bankruptcy and We have to rethink how we spend our limited resources. has some similar geographic challenges. Furthermore we (along with other "minnow nations") have BOOK NOW. LIMITED SPACE ON THE ROAD TO FRANCE

Captain’s Block The rampant security at World Cup games continues to drive everyone crazy. The latest infuriating moment was at the England-Samoa match in Nantes when one security guard refused to allow two match-accredited personnel from using a special entrance for VIPs. The two were repeatedly told that they could not go that way because several very important people were about to arrive. The barred pair were no less than two World Cup-winning captains - Francois Pienaar and Martin Johnson. No Silver Lining The World Cup organisers did not help anyone by allowing a jersey clash during the New Zealand-Scotland mis- match. The local broadcasters - ITV Sport - made several calls to the International Rugby Board explaining that it was near impossible to differentiate between the two teams. Finally their presenter, Jim Rosenthal, said on air: "For those who can't tell the teams apart, the All Blacks are the ones with the ball." Lifting Shirts Coaches plot various ways to mentally lift their players. Some work; some clearly don't. The mind games can be in- credible. But as France's defence coach, David Ellis, has found, it always helps to have a carrot dangling. He awards T-shirts - four different ones each week. The first one is the "100 per cent plaqueur", which is given to the player who never misses a tackle in the game. The next one is the "meilleur plaqueur", which goes to the person who does the most number of tackles. The third is the "destructeur" for the player who does the biggest hit. And the final one, "tondeuse a gazon", goes to the player who does the lowest to the ground tackle, like a lawn mower. Our snout Growdie Depardieu got in contact from the secret French training base at Marcoussis, just outside Paris, to tell us that the players are allowed to wear the T-shirts all week, and are even allowed to sleep in them - even if they do Now That Is A Lunch The Tongans also made headlines when they sat down to a lunch of 30 roast chickens, 27.2 kilograms of roast lamb, 27.2 kilograms of roast beef, 13.6kg of pasta and 13.6kg of potato salad. They washed it down with 40 litres of or- ange juice at the Fusion Inn for an English pub lunch last week. That's more than a quarter of a million calories and nearly 10,000g of fat consumed by the squad at the pub in Lymington, Hampshire. It's owned by former cap- tain Isi Tuivai who called in two extra chefs and three extra waiters to deal with the scrum. Tonga's heaviest player is 29-year-old prop forward Mosese Moala, who is listed in the media guide as tipping the scales at 135kgs. A Place For The Minnows There has been plenty of debate in France about the merits of having 20 teams rather than the 16 expect the IRB will decide next month should be in New Zealand in four years time. At this tournament that would rule out Portugal and Tonga, who were the repechage winners, and two from possibly Georgia, Namibia and Romania. Tonga have already made liars of their last gasp entry into the World Cup with their wins against the USA and Sa- moa. Ireland have also done their bit for the minnows as they struggled to put Georgia away 14-10 and Namibia 32- 17. Some of the lesser teams have also enjoyed tight tussles against each other as well as showing what the smaller rugby countries can bring to a World Cup. There is no disputing the impact the minnows are having in France in the grandstands, if not out on the playing surface. Everyone loves the little fella so it was not surprising Italy and Portu- gal received raucous support in their 62 and 95 point defeats to New Zealand. Geography and immigration meant there were masses of Italians and Portuguese in Marseille and Lyon for the two tests and while their teams lost the games, the supporters won in the stands. The question the IRB has to answer is: what does a World Cup stand for? Is it purely excellence, or is the World Cup the appropriate vehicle to grow the game in non-rugby countries? Part of the answer is trying to balance between the need for competitive matches against the colour and chance-in- a-life-time experience having the minnows brings. New Zealand's 108-3 flogging of Portugal summed the debate up neatly. It was never a contest, but it was a magical day for Portugal and their passionate supporters. Portugal were not embarrassed they conceded 108 points. They were thrilled to have played the All Blacks and scored a try. Per- haps there is a solution in the new World Trophy qualifying tournament the IRB will use for 2011. If the IRB does per- sist with a 20 team competition, it should be a bit more even handed in the payments teams receive from the tourna- ment. Each of the tier-one nations gets close to $9 million each. The others get about $450,000 each. Each team's travel and accommodation is paid for by the IRB. The logic behind the bigger payments to the top 10 unions is that they are losing cash by not having their November tests and that the minnows get other funding by the IRB. But there are inequities. Samoa ahead of Scotland to 10th in the IRB's rankings get considerably less than the Scots. The IRB argued that the payments reflect the pulling power of the larger nation, not just their competitiveness. That may be true, but if the payments are linked to a side's entertainment value then England, Ireland and the Scots de- serve about 50 baht each !!!!! A COUPLE had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. “But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?” …and they lived happily ever after. ON SATURDAY morning, I got up early, put on my thermal underwear and dressed very quietly. I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, went to the garage, put my golf clubs in the boot, and drove out the driveway. Driving out of the garage, rain was pouring down like a torrential storm. There was hail mixed with rain and the wind was blowing at 70 kmh. Minutes later, I returned to the garage, went back into the house and turned on the TV onto the weather channel. I discovered that its going to be bad weather all day long. I took the clubs out of the boot, returned them to the spare room and quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up behind my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replied, :I know ... can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this crap weather?". THE SEVEN DWARFS went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave- in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me". A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup" "Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

MINUTE MEALS. These minute meals are easy to put together, take practically no preparation time, taste pretty good and can be the perfect starter before slumming it off to Wall Street to watch the Rugby World Cup. CHICKEN BITS: 4 or 5 chicken portions (yep, those left over bits of KFC at the bottom of the fridge will be ideal); 1x300g can of Cream of Mushroom Soup mixed with 1 cup of milk and, if that opened half bottle of white wine is still sitting in the fridge door, a good splash of that as well. When mixed, pour it over the chicken and heat slowly to make sure the chicken is hot. Great with crusty french bread or toast from bread sliced really thick and lightly browned. POMMY STEW: 1x200g can of Dinty Moores Beef Stew; 1x200g can of Baked Beans, a good splash of HP Sauce. Mix it all together and heat in microwave or on a stovetop. When hot, tip onto hot buttered toast. IRISH STEW: Same as Pommy Stew but change the HP Sauce to Glenfiddich and serve with Potato Bread. AUSSIE EGGS: 2 slices of toast spread with butter, then Vegemite; Cheese slice on top then a poached egg on top of each slice, salt and pepper as you will...and no grizzling from the Poms out there....just change the Vegemite to Marmite.!! RICKS FAVORITE: 1 packet 250g New Zealand Frozen Green Peas; 1 small jar of Minted Jelly; 1 Meat Pie. Heat the peas and the pie. When the peas are hot, mix in the minted jelly; stir and pour over the meat pie. FIRST TIME TO THE FAT the hotel without difficulty. I am sure those of you who FAT BOY TENS Boy Tens and for sure not have been to the Fat Boy’s tournament before know the last. I arrived at Manila how difficult it is to find your own way home. airport on the Friday evening after a nice liquid fueled flight Saturday morning, the big day. If I had a window in the from Bangkok. Thai does have some nice red wines. hotel room I would have known it was pissing down Bong, the driver from the Phoenix hotel in Angeles was outside but who cares. The boys finally roused or waiting for me with his mini bus which very conveniently should that be aroused congregated in the hotel bar for had a cool box full of San Miguel Light, a beer I was to a hearty breakfast and to talk team tactics for the day. become very familiar with. You think the traffic in Bangkok Things soon got quite emotional and some thrusting of is bad then you should try Manila on a Friday night. Any- hips and chests was appreciated by the boys as they way after a couple of stops to make sure the SML was began the warm up. The rain never stopped with fast passing through the kidneys ok we eventually arrived in flowing rugby the loser and the beer the winner. I forgot Angeles about 10.30 at night. Probably a good idea to ar- to mention that it was the first time I had seen Angeles rive at night as the place looked quite lively. Phoenix Hotel in the daylight and it was not a pretty sight. The best probably rates as a 5 star in Angeles but less that 3 else- solution we found was to stay inside as much as possi- where. At least it was clean, friendly and certainly not ex- ble. Many bars, beers and nubile young things later the pensive. The fact my room had no window was a bit off boys ended up in a Mexican restaurant where they pro- putting but what the heck it was only for sleeping in or so I ceeded to entertain the customers with a good rendition thought. of “My Sister Belinda”. Back to the hotel again with The rest of the Bangers had arrived a few days earlier and grateful assistance from someone who knew the way had obviously got used to their new surroundings. I found and how to avoid the potholes. them in a nearby bar doing what all good Bangers do. Sunday, the body aching from the previous days exer- However the bar, although some similarities to Bangkok tions and still pissing down outside. There was some bars, had several obvious differences especially compared suggestion of going to church but that was quickly to the Clubhouse, Wall Street. These differences mainly squashed and things got quite emotional again, in fact came in the shape of some lovely Filipino ladies who not so emotional that we had to go to a another very enter- only were very willing to take care of you but also could taining establishment. I remember later back at the ho- speak English. (What do you mean I can’t speak Eng- tel in the swimming pool and was surprised at how lish?). The beer was cheap and even better was very cold. good swimmers, some of the nubile young things were. I could have stayed where we were but the tour committee had other ideas and other venues to explore. The rest of IF YOU GET THE CHANCE MAKE SURE YOU GO the first night was a bit hazy but I was fortunate in having NEXT YEAR. someone who knew the place well make sure I got back to

Name : TREVOR DAY (AKA Jonny) Much has been written and said about Trevor’s Age : 4 exploits during his 15 years on the Asian rugby Height : One inch short of Dopey circuit. In a recent interview for the Bangers Weight : Varies Banter he distanced himself from the scurrilous Position : A&E Recovery Position, Flyhalf accusations that he was once sober on a tour to Clubs : Merchant Marines, Dunbar, Phuket and that he helped a one legged nun British Club Bangkok, Selangor, across the road in Phnom Penh with his hand on Manila Nomads, Old Bangkok her stump. Most of what’s been said has focused Bangers, on his Yorkshire kamikaze style of self destruc- tion, both on and off the pitch. Now that he’s older and wiser, and is part of the more mature Old Bangkok Bangers, those days are long past him. The softer, cardigan wearing, more socially responsible Trevor concentrates on his pipeline business which, he describes, ‘It’s mostly the large bore end of things that I get into and there’s nothing better than getting your hands all greased pull- ing open a tight flange’. ‘The only problem is’ he says ‘is that I can’t get that grease off my hands before match days’. LYING ON THE GROUND, DEEP BENEATH A PILE of The other side of the ledger was harder to fill out. I've players fighting for a loose ball, I tried to convince myself it never been sure how to answer when people ask why was only a sprain. Yes, the snapping sound -- something I play. Yes, it's good exercise, but there are easier between a dry twig and a fresh celery stick -- was worrying, ways to get a workout. "It's fun" elicits the sort of but the pain really wasn't that bad. Maybe I had twisted it, or skeptical looks people reserve for fans of buzkashi, torn ligaments. Once I got to the sidelines, I could ice the the headless goat polo that is the national sport of ankle, tape it, Afghanistan. I suppose in the end it's the same inex- maybe come back plicable payoff that drives mountain climbers and and play the sec- people who race cars: the combination of physical ond half. challenge and looming destruction clears the mind The swelling that and pumps adrenaline. And truth be told, there is greeted me once I some deep, neolithic corner of our brains that still got my boots off derives pleasure from the hard tackle on an oppo- put paid those nent. notions, but I still Over the course of the winter, the ankle started feel- managed to deny ing better. It now makes the same grinding noise as the obvious. Almost 24 hours later, I heeded my wife's insis- the other one (which I ripped to shreds a decade tence that I go to the emergency room. The doctor didn't ago), but it seems to wait for X-rays to make her diagnosis: "Oh yeah, that's bro- have re- gained most ken." of its flexi- bility. I made it My pride took the real hit. In 25 years of rugby, I had been through off season with- hurt before, but never in such an inglorious manner -- out reinjur- ing it. As the crushed in the first five minutes of the first game of the pre- new ap- proached, I season. I faced a summer of dragging around on crutches, started to rationalize a then hobbling in a walking cast, providing time to reflect on r u g b y comeback. the message the bigger, younger opposition forward deliv- "I'm going to get fat," I ered when he drove me into the turf. I began to consider a told my wife, brushing off her suggestion there might dirty truth: at 35, I might be too old for this stuff. be a relation between beer intake and waist size. Most people leave contact sports behind at the end of their So a couple of weekends ago, I found myself on the school days. As their waistlines fill out, they graduate to paddock contemplating mortality and trying to stretch more sedentary pastimes -- yoga, golf. There were plenty of my hamstrings. The butterflies disappeared when I reasons to consider a graceful withdrawal from the field. I touched the ball, just as always. The tackles and realized I'd reached an age where athletes turn into "wily rucks left the usual scrapes and bruises, but no per- veterans" and start thinking about a career in real estate. manent disfigurement. I've lost a couple of steps over the last few seasons, and the After the game, I stood in the warm spring sunshine rugby pitch is getting longer and wider. For a while, I thought chatting with a friend, on the opposing team. He shat- there might be something wrong with my technique when I tered his cheekbone and eye socket in a game a cou- jog in the hilly park by our house, until I realized it's the force ple of years back -- four months before his wedding. of gravity on my increased mass. And -- perhaps even more "The scars were barely visible," he says. He's still painful -- my chest hair is turning grey. married, still playing. Ninety minutes of tackling and being tackled each Saturday I sat and watched our first team -average age 25 - takes an increased toll. Some Sundays, it's all I can do to lift play. They galloped the length of the field, chasing my arm off the couch and point the remote control. And the ball and dishing out hard tackles. One of our bosses tend to frown on employees who arrive for work on young, fast guys lunged across the goal line for a try, Mondays with a black eye and sprig marks on their face. dragging two opponents on his back. Everyone Then, there are subtle pressures at home. "I'm not coming to cheered and laughed from the sidelines. I pulled out visit you when you wind up in hospital drooling on yourself," my cheque book and paid my annual dues. my wife is fond of warning. Maybe just one more season.