ffi$#:x",fi rr'- L ,cles I A NOVEL OF HARD TIMES IN BEARSWAMP CannoLL GnMBRELL,R.F. ILLUSTRATIONSBY ELLENR. DERAMUS Delightfully humorous tales hilarious episodes. You will have many a chuckle and even laugh aloud . [at] characters [who are] larger than life yet real. JOHN E. WISHART V.P. Georgia Pacific Gorp. (Retired) Kqozu CnnoNIcLEs A NOVEL OF HARD TIM ES IN B EARSWAM P by CARROLL GAMBRELL,RF ILLUSTRATIONSBY ELLENDeRAMUS SEVG0Press . Northport,Alabama Copyright@ 1992by SEVGOPress All rightsreserued. This book, or parts thereof, must not be used or reproduced in any manner without the written permissionof the publisher.For information,write: SEVGO,lnc.,1955 22ndSt., Northport, N-35476 FIRST PRINTING: March 1992 ISBN 0-943487-37-4 PRINTEDINTHE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SEVG0PRESS . 1955-22ndST. N0RTHPORT,A135476 To uPopu the best of all possibleFathers and to Forrest, Old Grumpy; and Erin, "ErktheTurk" who made my Father'sDay possible. And in Remembrance . I mightforget the timesshe scrubbedmy neck, tucked in my shirttail,or gaue me heck. I mightforget much she saidto me, but I will neuerforget, Mom read to me. ...and foreuer present. It ain'tthe tellin' of it;it's the doin' "1&,$nff;annon FOB CU66IT whohelped mostwhen ohe nao leasLaware All l,'lyLove and for Qobert Chnotopher CONTENTS Prologue 3 KUDZUCOVE I THETROOPS.. 13 LIVESTOCK 20 MONROESTRIKES A BARGAIN 27 PUPWOODIN'. 34 POLLY 47 FORBIDDENFRUIT 45 LIT|LEFOOT. 52 PLOTTINCCOURSES 5B TOO MAI.IYTWENTIES 65 STATEFAIR. 71 AGAMEOFCHANCE.. 79 THE PACFIYDERMPARADE. BB THE PURPLECOW GANG 95 ADDINGUP THE SCORE 102 HILDEBRANDTFORECLOSES 109 DENDYDEPOSES 118 THE PURPLECOW GANG STRIKES AGAIN 127 HI HAT CETSSMART 137 BEARSWA/v1P'SA.BURNIN' . 148 KUDZUCAVE - TIDCE'STALE. 160 TIDGEENTERTAINS. 169 GOIN'COURTIN' 782 CE'TOS TO THE CHURCHON TIME 196 Epilogue 21'.| THE KqDZU CHRONICLES Dramatis Personae MONROEPAfiERSON . Owner of Kudzu CoueTree Farm MISSBESSIE. Owner of ownerof KCTF OTISBOI-LANNON . LeaderoiBohamonclan ODISBOHANNON . Same person ROOSTERBOHANNON... Laconicolder'brother TII'IYBOHANNON . YoungestBrother, mule strons MOLLYBOHANNON . Mitri.arch of Bohannonclait HOMERGREENE . Speechlesscountg agent JOHN LITTLE,OHN. Countgforeiter usithuseak sioriach POLLYCRAKER . Otis' girlfriend and usaitress HAPPYHANK HEAD . Used caisalesman, circus coru SE-ITONASHBY . Part of cou act wlhead Ht HATHIATT. :_ OGDENHILDEBRANDT . Banker, holds Bohannonmortgage TIDGEHA/vlM . Mgsteriouslgdisappeared. tndtuldial DEPUTYCORPORAL LANCE WACENER . .'. Motorcgclecop SAivIHUNDLEY. Sheriff of Keo-"d Cornig RALEIGHGATES . Sam Hundleg'sstar depuig DENDYCARTER . Irvrtateat FCHGA CHARLIETAYLOR Anotherinmate REV.JAMES EDWARD FUZZEL ltineranteoangelist, Head of PBC CIub DOLLYMAE REILEY Maid"at FCHGA MAMIE Cook at FCHGAmother of Dolg PADDYREILEY . Bellicosebrother oy Ootig PAPAREILEY Doilg;spapZ BOLLCRENSHAW Fir. cii"S OLD SAM L-abrador(ptaged bg himseti) OLDBET . .. ..-TheMuie OLD FRED Brandt's BeilicoseBull GERTRUDE ACow u:lpurptepotka d,ots JENI'IY PremierPerfonning Pachgderm MYSTERIOUSHERMIT Who tuntsout {o be A-UenO .4i wti A._'t,/ \- ii r- - ll l1 t_ _ \.1 \o \5 \oc,e a/s/oo' r'oH$ Q rnwd FOREWORD If it weren't such an obvious work of fiction, one might assert that this is a true story. Indeed certain incidents are based on actual events,and certain placesmentioned do exist. On numerous occasionsit became necessaryto employ a little poetic license,as it were, to bridge the gap between fact and fanry. I willacknowledge it was often difficult to distinguishthe difference. Monroe, the Sage of Bearswamp, is a composite of all good Fathers with a strong resemblanceto my own, who is justly proud of having been selectedTree Farmer of the Year three times. Not bad for a youngster of 80 odd! Miss Bessieis all good Wives and Mothers. Based on actual experience,she is the only kind of Wife and Mother I know how to write about. Anyone who has ever been in or around the woods and timber businessin the South will recognize Otis-Odis and the Bohannon Clan. They have been around forever. Without them, there wouldn't be a woods business. No one on Earth works harder for their bread than those who wrest a living from the forest; and no one can laugh harder at themselvesthan thosewho eam an honestday's pay for an honestday's labor. We hope this account offends none of these folks. Honest, it was all in fun! To forestall lawsuits for libel and defamation, I wish to declare that, other than those known to history, names of characters,even fictional ones, have been changed to proiect the guilty. I would have changed the name of kudzu, too, if it would have done any good; but to paraphrasethe Bard, "Kudzu,by any other name,would be as bad . " 2 SARROI.LGAMBRELL You won't find Bearswamp on a map, but it is in the Foothills not too far from Stumphouse Mountain; sort of between coneross and Bountylancl. once a ranclof red hills and cotton; now a land of rolling hills and green forests. This story takesplace during that hansition period. Bearswampis in a region that has produced some of the prettiest girls, skinniest mules, and longest staple cotton ever known to man" It also produced a locally well known Sage whose parting adviceseeing his son off to coliege,was, "Son, stay away from po' folks and ugly women.', I have never seen an ugly woman, but the po' folks do keep cropping up. CarrollGambrell Tuscaloosa,Ala. July, 1991 PROLOG(JE It was a bright and sunny day three years before the events related in the following chapters took place. The Bohannon boys in the wagon behind Old Bet, were headed home from the cotton gin. Otis, who, for reasonsof his own also answered to "Odis," had the money in his shirt pocket from the cotton they had just sold. It was a pretty poor payday for allthe effort it took. He was thinking it would be nice to get in some other line of work with more regular paydays than farming, when Old tset shieri. "Whoa!" Otis called, hauling back on the reins. The same thing that startledOid Bet had caught his eye, too. It was sunlight reflectingfrom the dented road-pocked chrome grill of a yellow truck parked in the front of a row of vehicleslined up for public inspection on a car lot. FLAPPY IIANK'S USED CARS, the sign proclaimed. "Why Walk When Hank Will Give You A Ride! We Make Deals fror Wheels. We Trade For ANYTHING", was written in smallerletters undemeath. Tiny and Rooster dismounted and followed Otis up to the little wooden office in the center of the yard, where they were greeled by no less a personage than the Great Rider Provider himself; a grinning, gregarious Happy Hank, hand outstretched;a gesturemade from habit, with the palm up. 'Yessir! Come on in. Can I he'p you? Heah, that's right. Have a seat. Hank Head's the name. My card, gents," the dapper over-sized rouncl man in a striped suit, straw boater, bow tie ancl two-toned wing-tipped perforated pointed-toed shoeswhipped out a card and pointed it toward Odis. A stub of a cigar was forked between twcl rhinestoned fingers,and a gleaminggold tooth accentedthe broad grin that 4 CARROLLGAMBRELL seemedfrozen on his florid face. "Got tradin' on yer mind, you landed in the right place, Brothers!" Putting on his most important banker-type look, Otis said.'We ain't comin't' trade. We're hereto invest." Tiny and Rooster looked at each other and shrugged. It wasn't the first time Odis had neglectedto inform them of his plans; mostly becausehe just sort of made them up as he went along. Hank's grin got a little broader and involved the 'What're eyebrows. you figgurin' on investin' in, gents," he said, edging closer and eyeing the bulge with just the tip of a money green bill sticking out of Otis's shirt pocket. Opportunity was a thing Hank never avoided as a matter of principal. Visions of a week at the Beach began to play in his mind. '\A/e 'uz thinkin' mostly about the pupwood business," he replied, as Tiny and Rooster eyed him wiih astonishment. "l didn't know we-" Tiny started to say before Otis cut him off. "Me and my brothers here, have been menistratin' over it for quite a while, an' we're about ready to make a decision, if we can find somethingthat meetsour specs." "Odis, are you c:r-"Rooster said. 'Yep, Otis cut in, we been constipatin' on that yellow huck out there." "lt's been constipatin' me, too," Hank muttered under his breath. "How's that?" Odis said. "Oh! I said let's go see," Hank said, as he stood and they all filed out to inspectthe yellow truck. 'That's as fine a piece of equipment as I have ever seen for the money! A regular workhorse. Excellent condition. You certainly do have an eye for sound investment. It just happens I can make you a real deal on that one. That truck is a cream puff and a steal at just eight hundred dollars . cash," KUDZUCHR0NICTES 5 Happy Hank beamed, calculatingthe sizeof the bulge in Odis' pocket ought to be worth a little time at the shore. "Look kind of used up to me," Roosterput in dryly. "lt's a previously owned vehicle, sir." Hank fielded Rooster's objection smoothly. "lt was used in important War work at one time, and thai slightly off color door was part of the camouflage. A token of its reliability,you might say,"Hank noted, tastingthe salt air. True, the passengerdoor was a sort of off-orangishas the result of a home made paint job begun and abandoned by its third owner some years prior; a fact Hank had just given a 'WOCO rather imaginativenew twist.