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An Autoethnographic Exploration of My Sexual Identity

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An Autoethnographic Exploration of My Sexual Identity AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHIC EXPLORATION OF MY SEXUAL IDENTITY AS SEEN THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE by Tyler Stephen Hall Thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of Master of Education (Counselling) Acadia University Fall Graduation 2016 © Tyler Stephen Hall, 2016 This thesis by Tyler Stephen Hall was defended successfully in an oral examination on September 1st 2016. The examining committee for the thesis was: _____________________________________ Dr. Ying Zhang, Chair _____________________________________ Dr. Rebecca Lloyd, External Reader _____________________________________ Dr. Celeste Snowber, Internal Reader _____________________________________ Dr. John Guiney Yallop, Supervisor _____________________________________ Linda Wheeldon, Acting Head/Director This thesis is accepted in its present form by the Division of Research and Graduate Studies as satisfying the thesis requirements for the degree Master of Education (Counselling) ii I, Tyler Stephen Hall, grant permission to the University Librarian at Acadia University to reproduce, loan or distribute copies of my thesis in microform, paper or electronic formats on a non-profit basis. I, however, retain the copyright in my thesis. _________________________________ Author _________________________________ Supervisor _________________________________ Date iii TABLE OF CONTENTS ABSTRACT VI ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS VII CHAPTER 1 – INTRODUCTION 1 CHAPTER 2 - I’M GAY AND I’M WRITING A THESIS 6 Qualitative Research 7 Autoethnography 8 Arts-based Research 10 Dance as Inquiry 12 Social Constructionism 15 So now what? 20 CHAPTER 3 – A COUNT OF EIGHT 26 Beat 1 – Adolescence 28 Pennies on the Bus 28 Pushing Hard 31 Beat 2 – Coming Out 36 A Jacuzzi at Prom 36 Parental Disclosure 39 Beat 3 – Rainbow Flag Gay Bar 45 Rainbow Flag 45 Gay Bar 47 Beat 4 – One Date 53 Beat 5 – The Bathroom at Cheers 63 Beat 6 – First ‘Love’ 72 Sam and Craig 72 Nobody Needs to Know 77 Beat 7 – One New Message 80 CHAPTER 4 – HOLDING THE MOVEMENT 87 Is being gay a part of my culture? 89 How have these moments affected me? 90 iv What have these moments taught me about the world? 91 Where is strength pulled from when all seems dark? 93 What do I know about myself through these moments? 94 Model Behaviour 95 An Increased Acceptance of the Label of Homosexual as Descriptive of Self 96 The Development of a Positive Attitude Towards this Identity 96 Increased Personal and Social Contact with Homosexuals 96 A Growing Desire to Disclose One’s Sexual Orientation 97 A Synthesis of Homosexual Identity with Overall Self-Concept 97 Where is there more work to be done… 97 CHAPTER 5 – BEAT EIGHT 99 Pas de Deux 99 Reprise - Marcelo Zarvos & Peter Vronsky 101 He Lives in You - Mark Mancina and Jay Rifkin 102 REFERENCES 105 v Abstract The following study is an exploration of my own sexual identity using interpretive dance as my method of inquiry. Using a social constructionist theoretical orientation and an arts-based autoethnographic methodology, I have revisited seven key moments in my life and have explored them through the use of interpretive dance. It is through this exploration that I am able to (re)examine these life events so that I may see the connections between what has occurred and how I have come to understand the idea of my gay self. At the heart of this paper, and myself, lies internalized homophobia, which I have taught myself through these life events. This paper is a coming to terms with the power and insidious nature of that internalized homophobia and how it has negatively affected my life. This study is the beginning of dealing with the ramifications of these moments and the start of a new understanding of self and sexual identity. vi Acknowledgements To Rebecca, my external reader, I am so grateful for you joining on this journey with me and for your contributions. To Celeste, my internal reader, your poetry and movement inspired me to push and dig and move into these places of inquiry and your support lifted me up so that I may do so. Without you I couldn’t have done this. To my family and friends, especially my mom, your support over the years and love has allowed me to find the strength I needed to go back to these points in my life and look again. To Alex, my partner in crime, you don’t know how much I appreciate everything you have done, I am glad I had you by my side. To Julia, who taught me to dance, and taught me that anyone can dance. I wouldn’t be here without your kindness. And finally to John, my supervisor, I can’t tell you what a pleasure working with you has been and I can’t find enough words to thank you for all your kindness, support and dedication to this project. vii Chapter 1 – Introduction July 30 2015, University Dance Studio. To me it still smells of sweat and testosterone, although the smells have faded away. I am a stranger here now. The once dark coloured walls are painted a cheery yellow to liven up the subterranean space. It is quiet here now and I am alone. As I take a deep breath in I can feel the dormant energy in the room and the possibility of what is to come in this space. It both comforts and unnerves me. Outside the room are the remains of an old hockey arena. The rink itself has been demolished but the labyrinth of change rooms remains. When I first came to this space, I was a freshman at university. I had never formally danced before. At that time these halls were filled with hockey players and, with them, a smell that still pricks my nose. How strange that a space where I learned to accept my gayness was surrounded by, what I viewed at the time, a world of heterosexual and homophobic masculinity. As I sat outside the room waiting for my turn, I was met constantly with the quizzical stares of jocks as they passed me. I was sitting on the floor with my ballet shoes beside me, and them towering above me on skates, their hair glistening with sweat. I was scared of them, but I was also attracted to them. Flashbacks to my past as an adolescent and those who had hurt me were embodied in these men, yet some part of me wanted them, to lay with them, to be held by them, and, most of all, to be accepted by them. Luckily, the heavy black door opened before too long and I was beckoned into a world of safety. It was almost eight years ago that I took my first steps into this dance studio and my journey of healing began. Back then I was terrified of my first dance class. To be the boy in a dance class 1 for me was like broadcasting my sexuality to everyone, and that was a terrifying thing to do. To this day, I still don’t know what made me join the class. Beginning dance at the age of 18 is not common. In my dance classes today, all of my colleagues have been dancing for 20 or more years, yet I have been doing it only eight years. Not only was I facing ridicule for being the only boy in the class, but also I was the most inexperienced. That feeling sat in my stomach like a heavy chunk of clay, and I can still feel it in there weighing me down today. As soon as I entered the classroom eight years ago, I stood so far from the door that no one would be able to see me from the hall. I was hiding from the hyper masculinity that prowled the change room corridors, waiting to hurt me. In here, where I sit now, I was protected. It was a safe zone where I was able to begin to explore who I was. Today I have come back to the exact space where it all began, to better understand my own sexual identity, using dance as my guide. Although the outside has changed, the interior still remains almost exactly as it was. The wooden floor, with its thin slats, still beckons me to move against it. I slowly rub my feet against the worn floor and feel that connection with it, and with myself. I can feel a trembling inside. I don’t quite know where to start and I don’t know where I am going to finish. The one thing I know is that I trust dance. I look at myself in the mirror and smile. I look small and sheepish. These eight years certainly have changed my outer appearance. Since I started dancing I have lost 50 pounds and my body is more lean and muscular. I flex in the mirror and feel my muscles tighten, and I smile. I begin to sway back and forth feeling my feet push against the floor 2 and I close my eyes and try to clear my mind for the work that needs to be done. The thick black door is shut. It protects me from the ghosts of my past who still dwell in the halls. I am safe in here and I can begin. Something is not quite right inside; this is apparent. I suppose I knew it was there or I wouldn’t be embarking on this journey. Still, I am surprised by what happens. I drift through the space relishing the act of free movement. My body flows like air in the room as I cover space and explore the entirety of the studio. Soon though, the excitement fades and my body brings my mind back to awareness and purpose.
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