h Longmg for Community, Transgressing with Fighting Words of Blackness: Four Black Women's Narratives in Nova Scotia

Chioma Ekpo

Submitted in partial fulfiilment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts

Dalhousie University Halifax, Nova Scotia July 2000

O Copytighr by Chioma Ekpo, 2000 National Librw Bibliitheque nationale of Canada du Canada Acquisitions and Acquisitions et Bibliographic Services seivices bibliographiques 395 Wellington Street 395. ni4 Wsllington Onawa ON KIA ON4 ûüawaON KlAW Canada Canada

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The author retains ownership of the L'auteur conserve la propriété du copyright in this thesis. Neither the droit d'auteur qui protège cette thèse. thesis nor substantial extracts fiom it Ni la thèse ni des extraits substantiels may be printed or othewise de celle-ci ne doivent être imprimés reproduced without the author's ou autrement reproduits sans son permission. autorisation. Dedicated to mv rnum, Teresa Hibben. Her words,

"To Chioma, In the hope that she will show the same courage, determination, and independent spirit as her ancestors."

wcrc dedicated to me in one of her Ph.D. exams. I was five years old at the time.

Mum, 1 rhank -ou for Our life-changing gift of this journey, for here I now understand the svmbolisrn of these words. Table of Contents

Prologue ...... w ...

Abstract ...... a...... a...... a..a...... ix Acknowledgrnents ...... x

Chapter 1 A Thesis of Longing and Necessary Transgression: An Introduction ...... 1

Pan One: An Introductory Narrative ...... 1

Part Two: ...... 5 I . Thcsis Focus & Methodolog)...... 6 Il. MYStandpoinr and Longing in this Thesis: Conclusion ...... 12

Chapter 2 Methodology Beyond Academics: Fighting and Longing for a Thesis Topic .... 15

Part One:...... 16 I . The "Thcsis Dilemma" ...... 16 IL . Reiecting the hIisuess' Tools in Feminist Methodolog); ...... 18

Part Two: ...... a...... 27 I . Ruptures: Finding Passion through Community ...... 27 I I . Discovcring the Pleasuces of Oral Narrative Research ...... 33 Chaptcr Conclusion ...... 37

Chapter 3 Black Memory: Agency against Imitative Intellectuality...... 38

Part One: Black Memory ...... 40 I . Whosc Memory. Whose Heritage?: Reflections on the Canadian Heritage ~iç[inrîte.r Project ...... 43

Pan Two: Imitative Inteilectuahy...... 60

Pan Three: %il1 Can't PdUs Up:" Rooting a Memory of Black Women's Heritage ...... 70 1. Calling Out Our Nmes...... 71 II . Sul1 Calling Out Our Names ...... 84 Chapter Conclusion ...... 91 Chapter 4 In Their Own Breath: Bursthg Orgasmic Narratives (Part One) ...... 92 hlapping Out the Narratives ...... 93 Firs t Narrative . Maxene Prevost Shephard ...... 100 Second Narrative . Joyce Ross ...... 135 Chapter Conclusion ...... 173

Chapter 5 In Theù Own Breath: Bursting Orgasmic Narratives (Part Two) ...... 174 Third Narrative . Linda-Lee King ...... 174 Fourth Narrative . Chioma Ekpo ...... 216 Chapter Conclusion ...... 231

Chaptei 6 Narrative Discussion ...... 233 Structure of Analysis ...... 234

Part One: Themes ...... m...... m...... 235 1. Community Bettermenr ...... 235 II. Mothcring thc Heart: Personal Transformaaon through Our Pain ...... 238 1II . Mothcring the Mind ...... 244

Part Two: Making Connections within a Black Afiocentric Feminist Consciousness ...... 247 . . 1. Ruptures: Towards Acavism ...... 249 Part Three: Mcthodological Reflections ...... 251 Chaptcr Conclusion ...... 253

Chapter 7 A Sense of Release. A Feeling of Renewal: "Reflections frorn a Black-eyed Squint"...... 256

Part One: ...... 257 1. "Dlack and Bluenose" ...... 257 11. Star Struck in Halifax ...... 260 Part Two ...... 262 1. Rctlcctions ...... 262 II. Rccommcndations for this work ...... 265 III. il Sense of Release: Conclusion ...... 269 ...And So 1 Came ...... 272 Epiiogue ...... 273 Appendix A: Sample Interview Consent Form ...... 274 Appendix B: Interview Guide ...... 276 References ...... 277

vii Prologue

'ZVhen one zs on the soil ofone's ancestorr, mo~tanytbing can corne to one. " Jean Toomer.

Qtd. in Dorothy Winbush Riley, (Ed). (1991). Mv Soul Looks Back 'Less 1 Foreet: A Collection of Quorations B Peoole of Color (p. 18). New York: HarperCollins Publishcrs Inc.

'7%ereyozi go again, JSszè, yozi are zo seriom. ' Bzit bo~vcan 1 ke/p being sen'otrs? Eh, My Love, what ponh've is tbere to Be, when 1 cannotghe voice to my soul and sM bave ber heard? Since su far, 1 bave onb been ahle tu IIR a langzmge tbat enslaved me, and therejore, the memgers ofmy mind ahqs come sbackled? :Sha~.kled?.Six&, jour thorghts? Don Yyorr tbink you are overdoing the nzodesty bit? . . .I ivorrl'èe/ a wamtness creping amrrnd nzy neck atyow ereciatin of me. két 1

Ama Ata Aidoo. (1 977). Our Sister Killiov or Reflections frorn a Black-eved spuint (p. 1 12- 1 13). England: Longrnan House.

'7 iunnt to re17iemktheze bhck women todg. The act ofremembrance is a consciorts

3wsttirr honohg tbeir strrrgle) their effort to keep somethingjr tbeir own. I want w to

JW bar nothing to giue orrr own, den they bave so takenfini us orrr dignity, otrr hzmuvzness tbat we halle notbhg lefi no '%orneplace" where we can recover ourselves. 1 uwzt zrs to remember tbese Uack women toe,both past and prexent. " (Original rmphasis). bel1 hooks. (1990). \réamin= Race Gender and Cultural Politics (p. 43). Toronto: Benvccn the Lines. Abstract

Given the culture and project of white dominant leanùng institutions, which tend to devalue and render invisible thc Lived experiences of Black people, the cducational esperiences of Black students is often one of alienation, disengagement, and utter ouuage. This thesis addresses this experience. It charts my effort to transgress the boundaries of white acadernia; to decolonise my mind and affirm my identiry as a Black woman by resolving to engage in research that celebrates and honours Black Canadian Nova Scotian women's heritage and iived experiences. The primary Çocus for this celebration Lies in the persona1 oral narratives of four Black women in Nova Scotia, Canada, of which 1 am one. The narrators include a univcrsin. Bhck Smdent Advisor; a cornmunity activist; a founder and director of a day are centre, and community activist; and me as a student. In the narratives, we witness thc women amculate their lived experiences and define their own sub~ectiïiticsin defiance against the external objectification embedded in the racist imagination of the white dominant society. In addition, their life choices provide insight to how these women's defiance and fight to render themselves visible infused thcir community othermothering activiues towards community bettement and uplift. Furthermore, their Life choices refiect their sense of agency and empowerment as cmbodicd in the theoretical framework of a Black Afrocentnc Feminist Consciousncss. This thesis concludes with a cali to Black students who long to be affirmed in thcir acadcrnic work, to also transgress and be transforrned through the potential- of libcrator) and loving rcsearch that honours and celebrates ~lackn&s. Acknowledgements

From the inception of this work, 1 have fiiled ths page with tears of gratitude. To all who affirmed me through loving gesnires and greetings, 1 thank you.

Prof. Wanda Thomas Bernard - For the memories of rhat first day 1 walked into your office and the experiences thereafter. 1 thank you for your support and encouragement.

Prof. Barbara Keddy - You always knew how to put a smile on my face even when 1 could not see the end. Your warm spirit, which opened your home and hean to me, will always be remembered.

Prof. Meredith Ralston - It was always a thriii calking with you and working this out. 1 cannot tell vou what your kind words and overd faith in me means. Thank you for taking this on.

Prof. Anthonv Stewart - 1 am grateful for Our memorable and enriching convcrsations.

Prof. Suc Campbell - Your inviting srniles, which kept telling me I was on the right crack, is a warm mernory.

To the following professors -Marjorie Stone, Ann Manicorn, Esmeralda Thornhiii, and Arnold H. Invaru (University of Toronto). 1honour you for your cornmimient ta cnpgcd and loving pedagogy, and for teaching by example.

Ruramisai Charumbira - For teaching me to be defiant while "rooted and winged." 1 honour you For your love and trust; for your emails, which sustained me; for being a fricnd of my mind; and for making me beiieve 1 am my best thing. This here is the huit of vour love.

M.dearest sister, Ogechi Ekpo - I am so grateful for Our love and for the way 'ou held me through this journey. 1 thank vou so much for your time and exciang "cool" commcnts. You are indeed my shinning star.

Rran Bailer - For vour love, your trust, and for beiieving in me.

Denisc Achonu - For those "pennies in the pond" moments that kept me renewved and for ourinsightful comments, which kept reminding me of the importance of this work. Thank you for sharing this momentous time in my iife.

Sharon Goodndge - 1began this with you and here 1 end with loving memories of endless phone conversations that kept me sane and focused. Raymond Familusi - Your cornmitment to work that celebrates Blackness is rnoving. ~hankyou for the warm mernories of the tlickering star.

Ijeoma Agulefo - Your success was always an inspiration. Here is to another erciung begt nning.

Linda-Lee King - For teaching me so much about confronting authority. You knew ic al1 dong.

Rachel ilbah - For vour love and great friendship.

Carla Grançer - Thank you for sharing yourself and for your life-long Çriendship.

Jackie Fisher - W'hat can I say about your sense of humour except that it was what the doctor ordered.

Chancl Grenaway - Thank you for your loving friendship and for keeping me in your thoughrs al1 this tirne.

Ikcchi Mgbcoii - For the kitchen-table perfumed discussions that stirred me on.

Bcnjamin Amoyaw - For the comfort of your 2 x 4.

Dwight Donald - Your timely and scintillating conversations were alwavs a gem.

David Dzidzornu - I thank oufor your comments.

Stcrcn Bygave - For the necessary distractions.

Shedrack i\gbak\vva and Nkiru Agbakwa - Thank oufor opening your home to me.

Gordon Blackmore - For making me laugh when 1 needed it the most and for your friendship.

Sucy Race, "my white fiend in the program" - I cherish your fiiendship, tmst and support, which nounshed me throughout.

George hletasakis, Wolf Borenstein, and David Spiro - For the loving ways ouhave fathcrcd me throughout the years.

To the hdvisor, Staff. and Volunteers of the Black Student Advising Centre, Dalhousie Cniversiw. Your faces alwavs signailed the importance of this work. Linda-Lee King, Maxene Prevost Shephard, and Joyce Ross, whose iife narratives are graciouslv offered in this work. 1 thank you for your words, which sustained me throughout this joumey, and for your kind and loving spirit.

To the Ekpo family, hchonu farnily, Abah family, and Ubochi farnily. 1 love pud. hfv familv at home, Nigeria. Onyeji Ekpo, Ketochi Ekpo, Amarachi Ekpo, Eberechi Ekpo. You were always close to my hem, wiping away my tears.

To my Mum, Teresa Hibbert, and my Dad, Odoziaku Ekpo. For your love, guidance, and cornmiment to academic excellence. 1 could not have done this without you, for in pur eyes you showed me possibilities. Tnis is my gift to you and 1 hopc it makes ouproud.

Finallv, I honour my personal %z, " for the strengh to feel the love of my ancestors, as thev whispered urne after time.. .

xii Chapter 1

A mesis of Longing and Necessary Transgression: An htroducti'on

The Longing co teii one's scory and the process of tellmg is symbolicaUy a gesnuc of longing to recovtr the past in such a way chat one experiences both a sense of reunion and a sensc of relmse. (hooks,1488, p. 158)

The above quote captures much of how this thesis came to form. It captures how as a Black woman, 1 worked to reconcile my longing for a sense of community and Blackness within my academic work; a reconciliation that could oniy take place through a painful, enlightening, and pleasurable journey. Therefore, mirroring the narrative methodolog. that grounds this thesis, it seems fitting to begin with a brief narrative of mv nvo ycar csperience as n newcomer to Halifax, Nova Scotia, and its impact on the birrh of this work. This narrative is presented in part one, while the thcsis focus and mcthodology, along with my standpoint, are presented in part two.

Part One

An Introducto'y Narrative

A vcar after graduating from the University of Toronto, I considered attending gnduatc school. hl~topic of interest at the urne was African women's writing and so

I bcpn researching graduate programs, specificdy women's studies graduate progams that would reflect this interest. From the various brochures of Canadian uniïersities that had a women's studies graduate program, it was clear that the courses and professors' area of concentration did not reflect my interest. The course descriptions did not reflect Black women's writing in Canada, or Afncan and

Caribbean women's writing. The courses on women's writing typically focused on

Victorian literarv work and white Canadian women's writing. This was a veq discouraging process but 1 continued in my search for a suitable university.

During rny search on the Internet, 1 looked up the Dalhousie University,

Nova Scotia website. 1 read of the inter-university women's sntdies graduate program and the Bhck Student hdvising Centre. 1 was especiaiiy happy to read of the Black

Studcnt Advising Centre, as therc was no such resource centre for Black students at the Universin. of Toronto. At this point Dalhousie University was the best and only option. It \vas a pcrfect match because 1 would be in a university that had a suitable paduatc program and that reflected my identity as a Black woman, in rems of the

Ccntrc.

Furthcrmore, 1 would be Living in a province, namelv Nova Scoaa that

.. * . rcprcscntcd rhc bcgnning of hfrican peoples' histocy in Canada. This also meant

that thcrc would be a rich heritage of Black people and the city of Halifav would be vibrant in its historicd reflection of this heritage. It was this active imagination and

hangFor a communiw of Blackness that informed mv decision to apply to

Dalhousie Cniversin. because pursuing mv interest in hfncan women's wnting in

such a milieu would be ennching.

On amval to Halifau, 1 reaiised just how active and naive my imagination was,

as I \vas terriblv uninfomed in my perception. VC'hen I first stepped into the Halifax Airport, I espected to wdk into a place that was visible with Black people but 1 was sadlr disappointed. On my ride into the city, 1 was longing for any sign that would indicate the presence of a Black community and so 1 looked out for sites of memory that echoed the history of Black people in Nova Scoaa and their present lives.

This longing continued during my studies at Dalhousie University.

Evcntually, I became aware of the Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia and visited the Centre, manrelling at the wealth of information on the history of Black people in

Nova Scotia. 1 anended various communitv events, pamcularly during the Afiican

Heritagc month celebratiotis. This was al1 in an effort to witness the vibrancy of

Black pcoplc and to learn of Black people's heritage in Nova Scotia, which had played an important role in mv decision to attend Dalhousie University.

As a newcomer to Halrfas, it was somewhat easy for me CO glean a bit of information on Black experiences in Nova Scotia. 1 sav easily because invariablr 1

\vas nllowcd the space to pose some of my questions and concerns with Black people from various communities. Of course, when processing information, teasing out rcasons and esphnations, one must be tactful in how the questions and responses are phrascd. Thus, being tactful was important in ensuring that my own misconceptions and uninformed knowledge uras framed within a critical thought process that would fostcr fruitful dialogue. I met some wonderful people who aiiowed me to "pick their brains." ïlcv tolrrated rny puzzling countenance when 1 was not satisfied with different esplanations and theories; or when I was simplv shocked listening to the different points of views on Black experiences in Nova Scotia. The seerning invisible presence of Black people in Nova Scotia, as 1 esprrienced it, was reflected on different levels of everyday Living occurrences. These

included sitting in the classrooms, walking through the university, searching the

univcrsirv's iibrarv cornputer search system, watching the local television stations,

rcading pages of the public relations tourkm paraphernaha (magazines, brochures,

and tclevision ads), and walking down the sueets. Throughout the year, 1 reflected

criticallv on mv observations while I continued to long for a sense of communig.

In rctrospcct, these experiences and more, which are shared throughout this

work, brought me to this thesis. Through an arduous, uying, and someames lonely

proccss, 1 struggled with a thesis topic that would capture much of what I had been

cspcricncing throughout the year. This was becausc I was no longer interested in

pursuing my original interest in Afiican women's writing. In time, I finally came to a

dccision about mv thesis topic, which is certainly not without the support and

cncouragcmenr of famil-, friends, strangers, and professors. It became clear that 4om

of mr obstaclc \vas working on something that would allow me to work out some of

mv own concerns about schooling and living in Halifax. I did not want to esplore a

topic that problematised the Lives of Black women, simplv for "research purposes." 1

uxnted to cngage in a positive rescarch process that accented Black women's lives

and that satisfied ml- longmg for community. Part Two

Generally, when we search in different areas of everyday Living for a presence of Black women, there is a misrepresentation, under-representation, or no reprcscntation at dl. For instance, a look at the dynamic and esciting world of popular culture and media reveals these variations of representation when we considcr depictions of Black women. Given its powerful abiliry to consuuct idcnuties and imageries, popular culture lends itself to the cornmodification and dcmonisation of Blackness, and convenelv subverts efforts to affirm a loving idenun. of Blackncss among Black people (hooks, 1992). Therefore, in areas where Black uvomcnarc re/ prcsented it is oftcn in degrading and stereotypical frameworks, while in certain arcas the. remain invisible.

On another Ievel, Black women are not often spoken of as role models that ha~ccouragcc)uslv and defiantly surmounted oppressive barriers to achieve their pcrsonnl and profcssiond goals, and continuc to do so. When we hear of Black womcn's liïcs or speak of them, it is generaily in negative rems that do not celebrate

and nffirm their idenun' (hooks, 1992). An examination of university academic

proparns such as women's studies, for example, which are in place to celebrate the

visibility of women's history and lives, also painfully demonstrates this lack of

cclebnuon of Black women's lives. Within women's studies schoiarship and

rcsenrch, the life-stories and experiences of Black women, their biographies,

mtobiographies, and narratives, and generd works within this scope, remain absent @ter-Lewis, 1996b; 1996a; 1991). Marginal or footnote references to Black women's lives in Canada, within scholarly and mainstream works on Canadian women

(Bristow, Brand, Cartv, Cooper, Hamilton & Shadd, 1994), is telLing of this absence as obscrrcd in mr walk through the library stacks. Certainly, these are merely a few csamples of wavs that Black women's identities and subjectivities have been constructed within an invisible frame, fostered by oppressive societal structures.

I. Thesis Focus & Me&odofogy

Given thc constructed invisible frarnework of Black women's lived cspcrienccs, a nccessary urgency to engage in episternology that affirms Black u-omcn's livcs is what inflames this thesis, and thus moves in that direction that to rcndcrs Black womcn's lives visible in celcbratory and affirming ways. Therefore, crcaung sitcs of memory that honour Black women's subjectivities grounds this work, and spccificallv, the diverse roles that Black women play as "community othcrmothcrs" (Collins, 1998, 1991) is the focus of this work.

.-kccodin to Coiiins (1 Wl), community othermothers refer to women who on di firent lcvels, engage in acuvism that contest and challenge the white dominant s«cicn-'s estcrnd objectificauon and definition of their s~bjecti~ities.Herein, Black women rciect the neetive constructions of their vaned identities by redefining themselves in uavs that celebrate and honour their ways of being. In redefining thcmsclves, thev also work toward shaping their cornmunity in empowering and uplifüng ways. Essenually, the diversity of Black women's roles as communin; othermothers, of their activism towards community betterment and racial uplift, is thc chosen site of visibility, memory and celebration in this work.

The methodology of personal oral narrative research provides the space for

Black women co render themselves visible, because they have the opportunity and space to sharc their life accouots and to define themselves accordingly (Hambrick,

1997; Yaz, 199?; Etter-Lewis, l996b, 1996a, 1993, 1991; Ntutela, 1995; Brand, 1991;

Scott, 1991). Furthermore, it creates a space for us to honour Black women's fîghting words - loving words, words that affirm and honour, words that refuse an obicctificatinn of self, words that essenadly theonse towards resistance and creatc knowlcdgc. In the fighting words of oral narratives, we find a sense of community nnd connection through a shared heritage.

i-lcncc, mv personal oral narrative research with four Black women in Nova

Scotia is presented as a site of communin; othemochers, and a site of memory, visibilin-, and honour. The women waived their anonymity in this research (see

Samplc Intcnicw Consent Form in Appendis A) and graciouslv shared their lives, for which the\ must be honoured. These wornen are Maxene Prevost Shephard, Linda-

ILC Lng, Jovce Ross, and 1 join these women as the fourth woman. Femethod for this sclection is noted in chapter four, which introduces Our narraaves.)

In essence, this work is grounded in the theoretical and methodological prcmisc of a Black Afrocentnc feminist consciousness (Collins, 1991) that insists that

;\ctions to bring about change, whether the struggle for an hfrocentric Çeminist consciousness or the persistence needed for institutional transformation, empower African-Amencan [Afican, Black] women. Because our actions change the world from one in which we merely eBst to one over which we have some control, they enable us to see everyday life as being in process and therefore arnenable to change. By penisting in the joumey towards self-definition we are changes, and this change empowen us. Perhaps this is whr so man); African-Arnerican women have managed to persist and "make a way out of no way." Perhaps they knew the power of self-definition. @. 113)

Furthermorc, a Black hfrocentric feminist consciousness charges that,

Loving biackness as political resistance transforms our ways of looking and bcing, and thus creates the conditions necessary for us to move againsr the forces of domination and death and reclaim black life. (hooks, 1992, p. 20)

i. A Few Words on Terminology

Flcrc, I insert a few disclaimers. While the watch-police of academia may raise thc flag of csscntialism in rnv use of the term "Black," hfrican," "Black women,"

"Ulackncss," it is not done to suggest a monolithic erperience in the Lvcs of Black womcn, mm, and children. It is, however, an indication that while the esperiences of

Black pcopic arc different, there are common themes in Our lives that stem from our cornmon location as a marginal group within an oppressive system. There are common cspressions of our uiumph beond that oppression, common expressions of loving wan of being. Hence the importance of a Black identity defined as the

"rootcdness in one's racial past, identification with one's present racial communin., and positivc association wirh the hfrican phenotype" that fosters a "a cornmiunent to tlic .\frican communal world vîew and its extension, the values.. .of communal strug+?' (Hord, 199 1, p. vii). To illustrate the invisible rendering of Black people, African people, Colourful people, by the white dominant society, Corne1 West eloquently provides the checklist that works to create this invisibility:

black people as a problem-people rather than people with problems; black people as abstractions and obiects rather than individuals and persons; black and white worlds divided bv a thick wall (or a 'Veil") that requires role-playing and mask-wearing rather than genuine hwnane interaction; black rage, anger, and Fury concealed in order ro assuage white fear and anxiety; and black people roodcss and homeless on a perenniai journey to discover who thev are in a society content to see blacks remain the permanent underdog. (Gates & K'cst, 1996, p. 84)

Consequentiy, this constructed invisibility that writcs us out of esistence csscntiallr "rcduces black folk to abstractions and obiects born of white fantasies and insccuriucs - as csotic or transgrcssive entities, as hypersexual or criminal animals"

(U'cst, 1996, p, 85). To subvert this dehumanisation, I use the term "Blackness" as a ncccssary bold defiance that embraces our diverse, rich, and exciting humanity; that insists on naming that sense of agency that moves us to redefine ourselves through

"Black loving subjectivities" (hooks, 1992). From this point of reference, in this u-ork, I cn

Fiuroccntrism that writes us out of existence, because, "[c]ollectively, black people

and our allies in suugle are empowered whcn we practice self-love as a revolutionary

intcn-cntion that undermines practices of domination" (hooks, 1992, p. 20). In this

spint of self-love, 1 borrow Charumbira's (1999) term "Colourful People" to connote

an image of vibrancy and agency.

Finallr, within white maditional western narrative discourse on biographies,

oral narratives, autobiographies, a focus on self-individualism frames the analysis and discussion (Etter-Lewis, 1993). For this reason 1 do not entertain white western philosophical debates on the pros and cons of community membership (see for esample, Weiss & Friedman (1995) for a collection of debates on the interplay bcnveen Çeminism and comrnunity).

More important, I do not profess that communities are always a haven for its mcmbcrs; rathcr I insist on the importance of understanding that within Our oppressive socienr, predicated on white privilege and domination, the institutionalised prcvention of Black people, Colourful people and marginahsed people from acting as complctc agcnts in society, necessitates the reliance on community strength to forge ahcad in creaung oppositional and affirming ways of being. beli hooks equaliy

affirrns this position as she reminds us that,

Collectivelr, black people ar.d Our allies in suuggle are empowered when we practice self-love as a revolutionary intervention chat undermines practices of domination. Loving blackness as political resistance transforms our ways of lookinq and being, and thus creates the conditions necessary for us to move apins;thc forces of domination and death and reclairn black life. (hooks, 1992, p. 20)

For this rcnson, m\*use of the terrn "communi~"is one that embraces community as

a "safc discourse" (Collins, 199t), grounded in the understanding that community

"iorms a prime location for resisung the obiectification as the Other" (Collins, 1991,

ii. Thesis Outline

Chapter Two looks ar some methodological concerns esperienced in ths

\i-ork. Specifically, the method of conceiving a thesis topic that affirms a sense of longing and comrnunity, and the process of ariving at the decision to engage in oral narrative research with Black women, is presented.

The important relationship benveen memory and Literature in orienting one towards knowledge of one's heritage is the running thread in chapter threc. It looks at some ways in which literarure and a constructed memory of historv serve as tools of cultural repression and the en forcement of an "imitaave inteliectuality" (Inüaru,

1994). The televised Canadian Heritage Mimiteer project and the dominant Literature in our school curnculurn are discussed as examples of tools used to culturally repress

marginidised people's heritage. By using rnemory as agency to subvert this

reprcssion, a narrative collage of some Nova Scotian community othermothers is

prcscntcd.

In chapters four and five, I present my oral narrative research and following in

ctiaptcr sis, is an analysis of the narratives in which 1 present some main points that

cmcrgc from the recumng theme of community betterment.

Chaprer Seven concludes this work through my reflections of this celebratow

iourncy. The rccommendations and implications for this thesis, as suggested by the

narrators, arc also inserted.

iii. Limitations

Ttvo points are to be made when considering the limitations of this work.

First, that the valuable discourse of oral narrative research Lies in providing the space

for Black women, hfrican women and Colourhi women to reflect on their iived esperiences, to aruculate in their own breath, in their own voices, their interpretations of those lived esperiences and the life choices within, and to educate by sharing insights to their everyday living. It "assumes added significance as a powerfui instrument for the rediscovery of womanhood so often overlooked and/or neglected

in histor and literature aiike" (Etter-Lewis, 1991, p. 43). Secondly, in Light of these

mcrits, however, the tendency can be to extract specific aspects of the narratives'

articulations and generalise them to al1 Black women, which is an essentialisation of

thcir csperiences; or to dismiss the significance of their specificities to create a

convcnicntlv glosscd over interpretaaon that ignores the individual richness of the

narratcd lives.

Thercfore, in this work, which situates the oral narratives of four Black

womcn, the immcdiate Limitation lays in the fact that only four women's lived

cspcricnccs arc insertcd. Nevertheless, one should not be stopped €rom this basis,

bccause of <.qcatcr sigmficance is that the narratives provide a place from which

hrthcr personal oral narrative research can emerge to forge liberator)? expressions

and knowledge of Black women's lives. Essentially, these women's narratives allow

us ro appreciate their individual richness to common issues and experiences in their

shared location as Black women (Etter-Lewis, 1991).

II. My Standpoint and Longing in rhis Ioesis: Conclusion

I want to share in this work the various ways in which 1 was uansformed

through a longing for affective research. This transformation came from a deeper understanding that our learning sites are part of the overd proiect to enforce white supremacist structures and ways of being. From this awareness, 1 hlt the urgency to uproot myself from that premise and insist on redirecting my energy towards

Blac kness to pleasure my intellect.

This did not occur easilv but through a painfuliy honest introspection, I made thc mental shift so that I could intenselv long for Black women's voices that would bc. libcraton in mr work. hooks (1994) describes this shift as an act of necessary transgression. By transgressing, 1 was moved to this work and became impassioned

11y thc need to affirm myself through affective research and epistemolog. The rcalisauon that 1 had to intensely long for myself in order to make the necessary tnnsgrcssion, one might say has been a persona1 step in acuvism. AS Hamilton

(1 (82) insuucts from her own resenrch of Black women's history in Nova Scotia, "As

Black womcn begin pa~ingtribute to themselves and their own work, others wiii pay

tributc ah'' $. 37).

This has been a decisive cdfor me to honour our ancesq and to honour

ourselves. From this standpoint, 1 have had to uansgress mentally and intellectually

in this work and have been able to do so through the various community-intellectud

u-orkcrs who cncouraged me. Where the mne of "objectivity" continues to be

drummed through the hds of acadernia, my approach to this work is one that reflects

the spirit of community and my subjective standpoint as a Black woman smggling to

find hcrself in her intellectual work. It is a liberatorv approach chat allows me to

bridge theon- and prasis, with a longing expression for Blackness. Hence, in narrating this journey, in writing this work, I use the persona1 pronoun "1" and the collective pronoun "we" and "our," to insen myself and dcmonstrate that I am not isolated from some of the expenences and concerns espressed in this work, given rny identity as a Black woman. I am transgressing objective stances in academic work, for in my subjectiviry 1 experienced a sense of rcunion with communitv, a sense of release, because nothing was objective about this

~vork.The pains and pleasures therein were cradled by the spirit of community- intcllcctual workcrs who strive daily to affirm themselves.

Essentially, this work was conceived out of a necessary subjective location. As hooks (1 992) asserts:

Thc issue is redv one of standpoint. From what political perspective do we dream, look, creare, and take action? For those of us who dare CO desite diffcrcntlv, who seek to look awav from conventional ways of seeing blackness 2nd ourselves, the issue of race and rcpresentation is not just a quesaon of critiquing the status quo. It is also about uansforming the image, creating altcrnativcs, askng ourselves questions about good and bad. Making a space for transgrcssive image, the outlaw rebel vision, is essential to an\.effort to crcatc a cnntest for uansformation images without shifung paradigms, changnç perspectives, ways of looking. (p. 4)

This is a journev of defiant umsgression towards a love of self, impassioned bv a longing for communi , and 3 memory of our ancestors who also made this iournct. so that ive wvould transgress and be uansformed. Chapter 2

Methodofo~Beyond Academics: Fighthg and Longhg for a Toesis Topic

These things have Gred rny soul with a ho[. indignaaon, and compeiied me thus to corne fonwd, and endeavor to nirn their attention CO knowledge and improvement; for howledge is power. (Stewart, Maria \V., 1996, p. 397)

In general, discussions of feminist methodology have Çocused on the significancc of subvemng exclusionary practices inherent in traditional male-centred rcscarch (Collins, 1998, 1991; Code & Burt, 1995; Stanlev & Wise, 1993; Reinharz,

1992; i\aron & Walby, 199 1 ; Cook & Fonow, 1991; Lather, 1991; Parai & Gluck,

1 90 1) . Of particular relevancc to these discussions is the design of appropriate rcscnrch tools that locate women's experiences, needs, and knowledge base within fcminist rcscarch pracuce work that lead to a mnsformative and libemtory everyday living (Zalk & Gordon-Kelter, 1992; hooks, 1984). In this thesis, my methodological conccrns focused on the dilemma of conceiving a research topic, as opposed ro the actual method of conducung the research. 1 suuggled with identifiing the nght mcthod that would lead me to a topic in order to reconcile mv persond longing for

Blackncss in rnv thesis work.

There fore, the methodological aruculaaons in this chapter narrate this journcy. Part One addresses in stages, some of the painful and yet insightfd rnorncnts of rupture that Ied me in the necessq direction of designing a thesis topic.

Part Tn-Opresents the role that self-refierivinr plaved in reveaùng unknown hindrances, and later created a transformative and honest longing for myself, and communin. in this chesis work.

Part One

1. The "Thesis DIïema''

I have insened the quote by Maria Stewart at the beginning of this chapter

bccausc it appropriatelv hints at the struggle that 1 experienced while sortkg through

ml. "thesis dilemma." This dilemma was that of not having a clear thesis direction at

the bcginning of the Masters program and painfullv searching for, and

conccptualising, a methodology for a clear thesis path. My hope was that in the end 1

\iould satisfv.. mv longing for Blackness and reaffirm my sense of self and cornmunis..

MYcspcrience in mr ferninist methodology course acts as a springboard for

this discussion, as it \vas venr instrumental in worliing through mv dilemma.' Wat is

important to bear in mind, is that the smggle for methodological articulations for

this thcsis work was for the most part, the struggle to get to the stage where I could

con fidentlr chant the graduate student's mantra, ?L[y thesir ir.. .. "; because for most of

thc program mv mantra was a "Xo thens.. .." one.

.-kcordinglr, I espcrienced pain, confusion, uncenaintv, and frustration, as I

strugled to find n thesis copic that would be engaging. matoccurred during this

persona1 and academic fight was a revelation and transformaüon for which 1 had not

prcparcd. As will be demonstrated, essentialiv, my standpoint as a Black woman in the program (and the only one at that) necessarily informed much of this trmsformation, as it served to challenge my ideas of what it meant to do "research" and ultimately forced me to transgress mentaliy.

More important, the decision to discuss some of the methodolog); steps that facilitated conceiving a thesis topic, which would truly embody my longing for

Blackncss in my academic work, lies primdy in the need to demystie the rcscnrch / thcsis process. Demystieing research provides the necessary space to discuss Black feminist research issues for a strategy towards a uansformauve Living for Black womcn (and men). By sharing some of the painful realities of locating oncsclf in rcscarch work, panicularly in a white dominated academic setting that works to ncgate Blackness in research work, we can begin to heai and revive Our passion for libcraton work. In addition, the need to validate the painful and passionm rnomcnts of rupture that took place dunng the research/thesis process, as

1 discovcrcd a thesis topic for which 1 could be passionate, demands attention.

Ccrtainly, the impulse to avoid such a discussion is strong in light of the cmotional uphcaval that occurs through self-awreness in moments of rupture.

Sc\-crthcless, the need to take up this discussion, wnthe pain, and validate its irnporrancç in academia, is a stronger impulse for continued passionate and tiberatory rcsearc h.

Csing self-reflesive speech books, 1990) and a self-defined standpoint

(Collins, 1998, 1991) as a Black woman allows me to reflect on the impacr of Black

womcn's invisibility in Our universities, classrooms, and course readings, which al1 informed mv graduate experience. It is one thing to witness dis invisibility of Black nwomen's voices and experiences as we sit in those classroom chairs, but quite another to feel the brunt of this invisibility and the implications thereof as one prepares for the production of the grand finale -The Thesis. To name this kind of impact as it violarcs us intellectuallv, and then subven it as a guide in our fight for words that ntfirm our loving Black subjectivities in white acadernia, is an urgent response ifwe arc to welcome chat longing of our voices and Blackness in our acadernic work.

Anv resolve to contribute to loving and affirming Black epistemologies, within

the consuictcd parameters of white dominant academic settings, demands that one

transgresses beyond academics through a methodology of longing - a longing that

mobilises one to desire and engage in research that honours and celebrates our

humanin., and to defiantly transgress the oppressive mechanisms that would deny us

this longng. 1 chart part of this transgression in the following sections.

II. Rejecting the Mistress' Tools ih Feeminisst Methodology

K'ithin insututionalised academic settings, ideaiiy the classroom is the site for

critical rcilection and pedagogy (hooks, 1994;Jarnes & Farmer, 1993). It is the site

u-herc we trcad with escitement and uncertainty as we embrace the possibiliaes of

ncw liberaton- cpistemologies, and renew Our cornmiment to familiar ones. In a

u-hirc dominated institutionalised academic setting, however, the chaileng for chose

of us who are not privileged by our race, class, ses, sexual orientation, and physical

abilin-, is a daily fight for words that affirm Our subjectiviues and affirm our presence in those classroom chairs. In the graduate school experience, Our stmggle for affirmarion becomes intense as we continue to long for ourselves through the words of our professors, the writings on the blackboards, in our weekly readngs, and in our final papcrs. Evenmally, our strength is tested in the struggle when we prepare for the grand finale of the thesis production. In this graduate experience, 1 felt what it memr to long painfully for such affirmation in words, to long for myself and seek the words of those who would empower me through a shared standpoint of Blackness within acadcmia.

Recogpising the importance of affirming women's evperiences and voices in

çpistcmolog, and creating avenues for generating episternolog of, by and for al1

\rvomcn,was the tounding principle for women's studies programs in academia

(Boscr, 1998; Richardson & Robinson, 1993; hooks, 1984). In spite of al1 the

~ccomplishmentsof this endçavour, the culture of white dominated women's studies programs in academia reminds us of the continued failures in this cndeavour. In the a firmntion of women's esperienccs and voices, one particdarly grave failure raides in thc delibcrate posiaoning of white women's esperiences in the driver's seat, while rclcgating chc espericnces of Black women, African Wornen, and Colourful women to thc back seat, or sirnply to none at al1 (Boxer, 1998; Mandell, 1998; Guy-Shefüiall,

1995, 1993; Bristow, Brand, Cam, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd, 1994; Gilkes, 1992; hooks, 1984; Hull, Scott, & Smith, 1982).

Responding to such posiaoning, Black women, Afiican women, and Colourful worncn hmc significantly created and successfdv published liberatorv epistemologies rcflecting their experiences, in fighting and affirming words of their own, and conunue to do so (see Bernard & Bernard, 1998; Henry, 1998; Bannerji, 1993;

Chancr, 1993; Anzaldiia, 1990; Sem, 1990; Philip, 1989; fidoo, 1977). In these esciting works, publications of Black women's work, a celebration and visible rcndering of Black women's subjectivities are rightfuiiy positioned in ways that recobmise their diverse experiences.

In the same spirit, a similar response fuelled my graduate eaperiencc, in which

I rcsolved to partake of, and contribute to, research that is celebratory of Black womcn. In the following narraave of rnv feminist methodology course, certain moments that facilitated this resolve are noted.

i. Course Work

Thc kminist methodology course was one of the core courses in the women's studics Masters program as it was to challenge us, and give us some direction as we mappcd out our thesis work. Through die required readings, we learnt of the inflricnual and ongoing conuibuuons of ferninist inquiq to traditional western cpistsmologies. As noted at the beginning of this chapter, interrogating ~aditionai rcscarch practices, bv questioning the espcriential basis for epistemological frameworks, were essential components of this inquiry. By positing women's cspcriences in these epistemological and research frameworks, ferninist inquiry simultancouslv addressed some important implications such as what ic meant for kminist research to be carried out bv women, for wornen, and about women (see for esample, Hambrick, 1997; Vaz, 1997, 1993; Ristock & Pemell, 1996; Etter-Lewis &

Foster, 1996; Carty, 1993; Cook & Fonow, 1991). Through hnher readings, we

rcalised that while feminist inquiry had made considerable progress in contesting

traditionnl research practices, tools for feminist research were SUU under review for

thc concomitant conceptualisation of feminist methodology.

Of particular interest was the politics of positionality, as it related to the

rcscarcher and participant within research practice, and the embedded power

relations. Extensive Lists of ferninist authors, which eventually becarne household

namcs, bore tcstimon~to their determination to find effective wavs of engaging in

kminist rcscarch. At the core of this deterrninauon is the aggressive attempt to

challcngc and deconsuuct western epistemologies that have essentiallv been

cdonialist, cthnocenuic, racist, and sexist in their epistemological and experiential

dcsip (I.;clly, 1998; hfaynard & Punis, 1994; iLIarshali, 1994; Henn., 1992; Collins,

iO9 1).

\Yfith references from course readings, buzzwords such as ethical research,

objcctivity, consciousness-raising, uue/false consciousness, essenùaiism, feminist

rcscarch (rnostly white feminist research), voice, and women (mostly white women)

abound throughout class discussions. The weekly critique assignments provided the

spacc ta rcflect on these buzzwords. Questions of whose experiences founded the

basis for the interpretation and application of these butzwvords in feminist research

\vas of particular inceresc in mv critiques. 1 had to insert these buzzwords within

rcsearch settings, where Black women were present either as participants or as rcsearchers, to see that the assigned commonality in various frarnes of anaiysis, were not alwavs cornmon.

A npical example would be in the implicaaons of the phrase gender anabsis as used to conceptualise and theonse about women's Lives. The implications in conccptualising and theonsing gender relations, is that the race of white women is not n decisive influence as it relates to the privilege and power of whiteness in their cvervda\-. . living; white race becomes normalised with no room for an interrogation of

such privilege (for a detailed reading of the power dvnamics embedded in constructions of whiteness, sec Spelman, 1988; Frankenberg, 1993; Morrison, 1992).

Funhcrmore, when white race is not interrogated in terms of privilege within feminist

rcscarch analvsis, it then follows that discussions of power relations infomed

arc not sccn as real power issues. Norrnalising white race in ferninisr research analysis . . -. . .. mcans that wc do not consider Black women's research expenences in conmbuung

tn fcminist cpistcmologies. Normalising white race also means that where race is

csplicir in anr analrsis, it penains to only Black women, Colourful women and First

\Yorld worncn, typically under rnarked sections of6'Race" on the content pages of

Our tests.

Thcrcfore, the conceptudising process of gender analysis becomes inadequate

and inapplicable for Black women's experiences, which do nor have the privilege of

racc in thcir ccervdar. . iiving. I hnd to keep doing a mentai shifi by remembering chat

thc gcnder analvsis framework, dthough an inadequate one, was specific to white

gender analvsis. The growing body of feminist methodology texts/literanire makes these rncntal shifts tzwing because of the conanued insistence in feminist scholarship on positing white gender as the overarching experiential identity Çrom which all cspericntial analysis stem (see Spelman's (1988) insightful analysis and criticism of such litcrature). It is taxing because as a Black woman suategizing to resolve the rhcsis dilemma of no thesis, popular feminist research Literature has created a unified mc t hodolog in their discussions on researcher/ participant relations by positing white gendcr at the core of research analysis. Moreover, ferninist research scholarship operates on the assurnption chat only white women are present in fcminist rcscarch pracuce, by posiung them as both researcher and pamcipant. When white fcminists are posited as the main agents in research inquiry, the issues that affcct Black women's evewday living becorne s~stemicallvescluded. Concomitantly,

Black women who desire to engage in affirming research are denied the opportunity of bcing informed about dvnamic research areas that are taking place for a celebration iind visibilin- of Black womcn's lives.

ii. Unexarnined Issues in the Research Checklist

\'lrithin the culture of white dominated academic research interests, class and race relations mediate who gets to research whom and/or what. The rniddle class rcsearches the worhng class and poor, whites research Blacks, heterosesuals research gays and lesbians, the able-bodied research the non-able-bodied, and the List goes on. The power relations embedded in research practices, designs, and interpretations clcarlr reflect this research hierarchy.

Recognising this hierarchy of research, is the 1996 issue of Canadian Research

Insutute for the Advancement of Women (CRMW), tided "Feminist Ethics: h

Research Process." This issue was a required reading for the ferninist methodolog). course. It contained a research checklist for considerations in ferninist research prncucc, and oudined in a series of questions. On the first page the line reads, "The aim of feminist research is to provide knowledge that will promote equahty in society or a roicc for those without one" (CRIAW, 1996, p. 1). In section III, under the hcnding "Choosing a rcsearch proiect," questions si'rty-three and seventv read, 'Who is our rescarch about?' and '1s our research building on the work of others?' rcspcctivclv (CRlrIW, 1996, p. 18).

These quesuons are vev pertinent in research practice of any kind. In my casc, howevcr, providing an answer to the question "1s Our research building on the umrk of othcrs?' \vas difficult since 1 did not have a research topic at the timc. Not bcing able to answer this question is the resuit of not having sufficient scholarship char highlighrs Black women who are engaging in feminist research. If we have these u-omen, to whom we can look up to in their scholarship, we can have something to build on or pcrhaps something CO guide us when we consider research topics. This would havc surclj- becn usehl in mr case as 1 was able to answer the question "Who is our rcsearch about?" as I hew I wanted mv research to centre on Black women's cspcriences. While working through the research checklist, one noteworthy reminder was the historkal and present day relationship between Black people and academic and colonial research, which has created a strong guard against researchers (mostly white) within the Black community. In the name of "research" and expert conquest, some rcscarchers prey on, "snidv," and "look into," the iives of Black people like animals in laboraton cages, rnerelv to saus$ their racist fantasies through archaeological vowurism. Through the halls of acadernia, we find a violent and "barbaric" portraya1 of our realiues and subjectivities, perpetuated through the language of theory. I was

rcrninded of this harsh reah and of my location in acadernia, where the very tools of

ianguagc arc informeci by the white supremacist fantasies of academics, and chus had

to hold m~sclfaccountable in rny work.

Tradicionall~and currently, research issues concerning the Black community

havc not becn validated in white dominant academic research settings (Hambtick,

1997; Vaz, 1997; Wing, 1997; Marshall, 1994; James & Farmer, 1993; Gilkes, 1992).

\Yhcn wc critically think about power relations and how the. affect Black women in

thcir rcscarch practice, wve must ask some pertinent questions. How often do Black

u-omcn havc ncccss to funding for research activities in their communities and in

academia? What are some of the coping mechanisms for Black women when their

rcscarch is not deemed "real" research because they address issues of concern to the

Blnck community? When their research results are considered biased, Black women

arc secn as having no academic aurhoritv in their interprecarions of their research work. Hambrick (1997) responds to some of these questions as they arose from her oral rescûrch on Black women inventors in the United States:

[Bllack female scholars need to be taken seriously. Nor onlv has it been . - ...... P. P -. . demgraung to acknowledge the invisibihty ot intorrnation on Black women, but it is even more discouraging when, as a black female scholar, one cannot gct one's work into print. When 1 began rny research on black women inventors, 1 received several offers for publication, but the aiithors wanted to usc my work and give me credit in the foomotes. (p. 67)

Concomitant to this lack of recognition, is the concern that opportunities for publicauon become ensconced in the racist devaluation of Black epistemologu.

\i;'orks bv Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1 994), Marshall (1 994),

Jamcs & Farmcr (1 993) poignantly address the experiences of Bhck women in their hght for words of longing and affirmation in their academic work. When thesc issues arc cnst asidc in our ferninist research texts, white ferninist scholars deliberately colludc with thc Master by using Mistress tools of their own to silence Our intcllcctual-communin; work as Black women, and squash Our efforts to affirm our

Bhck subicctivitv. Furthermore, the message from Our professors in their blntant disrcqard,. of scholarship bv and for Black women, hfncan women, and Colourful nomcn, is that WC do not matter and that we are incapable of participating in

çpistcrnologcal constructs that affect our livelihood.

1 raise these considerations and checklists for their significance in Çostering the rccogniuon of my accountability in mv role as "researcher" and Black woman.

Tlirough my no-thesis dilemma 1 began to feel like a participant in a research of my ou-n while I worked to reconcile my longing for Blackness in my thesis work. In this

"participant" role, I came to a new awareness and sense of direction. While 1 longed hrBlackness throughout, what was a ~rnultuousride was in Çact a ride longing to transforrn me al1 dong. To embrace this longing, 1 had to go beyond the academics of mcthodology to solve my no-thesis dilenima. It was in this role as pamupant that 1 was trans formed in mv role as "researcher," searching for a thesis of longing.

Part Two

1. Ruptures: Fh&g Passion rhrough Comm~~~*ty:

When one begins to use such words as "longing," "cold pain," "passion," in ncadcmic ivork, one fundamentally transgresses mentaily by going beyond the rigidity of ncndemia, which devalues and derides affective components of academic work.

Fcminist rcsearch scholarship discusses affective aspects of research work, cncouraging researchers to recogmse its importance as a source of insight for dynamic and effective feminist research (Henry, 1998; hooks, 1994; Cook & Fonow,

199 1). By validating our emotional connecuon to our work, as researchers and parucipmts, we can begm to witness such connections as a potential site for fostering passionate and liberatonr research. Moreover, this validation serves to subvert the

"obicctive" stance of traditional research practice that insists on a scparation of emotion frorn our inteilectual-community work.

During the ferninist rnethodo1og.i course, 1 developed a keen interest in worncn researchers who, in esperiencing some of the affective elements of feminist rcsearch, recognised how such experiences transforrned their research. 1longed to hear of how feminist researchers arrived at their research topic by tapping into their passion for uansformative work. With great fondness, I recd one of the course rcadings on Pauicia Macpre's rcsearch experience as a PhD student doing participaton- research (Macgure, 1993). Recounting lier experience, Macguire addresscd the importance of using affective elements of research to enrich the rcscarch proccss itself, which was very reassuring to read because suddenlv I felt validated in mv thesis amiecy experience. I was especially encouraged through these

Whcn possible, get involved in a "problem" that you feel passionate about. For cven if the participatory research work you engage in is not ideal, ouwill have the satisfaction of working on Life issues close to your hem, not merely dissertation issues. Your life passions and interests wiii e~chthe process, not dctract from it.. .. The point is to leam and grow from doing, and to celebrate thc doing, no matter how flawed, small-scaled, or less than ideal. (Macguire, 1993, p. 176; original emphasis)

Thcsc words help to demvstik. . the research work, as we often do not get the

opportunin. to read of the esperiences of graduate students as they journey towvard

thcir thcsis/dissertauon. Tvpically, we read of experiences taking place afrer a

rcscarch topic has been conceived, as evident in the prepondennce of "field"

rcscarch scholarship (see for esample, Purvis & Maynard, 1999, however wvorks such

ns hlarshall (1994) and Bernard, Bernard, Ekpo, Enang, Joseph, & Wane (2000) are

siqificant c~ntrib~ti~nsto the demystification of research, in which we leam of the

~tru~qlcsinhercnt in engaging in affective research within white dominant learning 1 realised that my situation was another example of affective elements in rcsearch since 1 was Longing for a thesis that would be affirrning. Sensing my

frustration, my professors were very reassuring, expressing that in time everyrhing would hl1 into its right place. 1 did not always mst their words but hoped for the

bcst. To move ahead, 1 had to first validate these feelings and assess their

implications for seeking Blackness in my thesis, in the hope that once validated, these

fcclings would guide me in this path as I set about CO find my passion through mu no-

thcsis dilemma.

i. Ruptures in Self-Reflexivity

Fcminist rcscarch advocates that rescarchers engage in self-rcflesivim during

thc rcscarch proccss, for self-reflesivity reflects the need for the researcher to

csarninc his or her role at vanous stages of the research, particularlv as to the power

relations bçnvccn the participant and researcher, and to the general goal of the

rcscarch (Rrinharz, 1992; Lather, 1991).

Thc arguments for self-reflexivity can seem seductive in some sensc and vet as

m...... a pciiiucaj gcsture, it necessaniv requires honesty to examine criucally our behaviour

as "rcse~rchers."Through this political gesture of honesty the foilowing was

rcaffirmed for me:

Sincc words done cannot challenge domination, the question of how intellecrual work will materialize in activist work is critical. Rejecting the academic arrogance of studying people iike specimens in a laboratoq, accivist cducators are accountable to cornmunity members. We [activist educators, comrnunity-intellecd workers] can then speak in ways respecthl of and responsive to communal Life, a sign of our belonging to a people. (James & Farmer, 1993, p. 222-223)

As a Black wornan longing CO engage in transformative research, recognising mi. own subtle rrpressions of "academic arrogance" in my race for a thesis topic within academic timclines was a painful moment of rupture and consciousness- nising. In a desperate fight to structure niy work and search for a Black thesis supcrvisor, 1 was grasping for any topic as long as 1 could relate it to Black women's liws. \Krhen onc stans to "grasp for any topic," when one sits in a classroom and solicits thcsis ideas from class members, in hindsight one painfully redises that such bchaviciur scnrcs to objectifv the lives of Black women in the name of acadernic rcquircments. I camc to this shameful realisation in this journey and recognised that such behaviour semed to objectifv rny subjectivity as a Black wornan.

On turthcr realisation, 1 staned to understand that for me to participate in transformative research, an honest review of how 1 had participated in this journe?

\vas crucial. For one, cding up friends and asking them of issues that concerned them as Black women was certainly not the wav to find a thesis topic in which 1 u-oulcl find ml*voice. This is certainlv another consequence of not having Black u-omcn's voices in ferninisr research publicauons/texts, voices that act as role models for studcnts longmg for liberaton. research. When there are no visible role models, the consequence is an objectification of the very Lives we desire to celebrate.

Rccalling mhy I had corne to Nova Scotia to pursue this degree reinforced the importance of being grounded in my longing for Blackness for passionate transformative research. More important, mÿ notion of consciousness-raising changed, because in my fantasy of someone corning to some consciousness level, I always thought it would feel like a bolt of lightning. In my erpenence, 1 realised it could also happen in small moments of rupture. In my role as "researcher" and

"parucipant" I came to see char,

Consciousness-raising is an educational and healing mode1 that focuses on the sharing of persona1 feelings, attitudes and behaviours to gain a deeper understanding of the collective reality produced through socied conditions. Through consciousness-raising, pamcipants learn how to use their own "personal" experience as a starting point for individual and/or ccpoliticd'' change. (Graveline, 1998, p. 89; original emphasis)

ii. A Longing through Community

The notion of comrnunim has been the beacon for me in this journey

Cktting to know mrrnbcrs of the Black communiry here in Nova Scotia and connccting with some comrnunitv concerns was very important in rny affirmation of a sharcd standpoint. Going bevond academics meant going to a place of community that uould cmbracc me and validate mv subjectivity. This meant seeing community as n snfc discourse that would uansform me in this journey.

Bv attcnding vanous Black community events in Halifax and the surrounding

Blnck communities, I discovered this potenaal safe discourse of comrnuninr. This kcling of safcn. was created in the sense that 1 became aware and informed of dvnamic and vibrant women.

Listening to life accounts of people in the communiry, 1 could see the importance of hearing people narrate important snippets of their Lived histon.

Stones of courage, hope, and strengh that honoured our ancestors were shared. Similarlv, I was reaffirmed in the stones of our ancestors, whose lives serve as esample to mobilise toward Black loving subjectivities.

Myprogram field placement with the Nova Scotia chapter of the Congress of

Black Women also helped to nurture this process in its visibility of Black women's livcs, their sense of agency, and comrnunity activism. Particdarly mernorable was the

Congrcss of Black Women's Annual Celebration Dinner, with the theme "Moving

Ahead." :\t this dinner 1 witnessed the importance of community activism, and the rolc that Black women as community othermothers. In honounng various men and womcn in the communitv, the words of Dolly Williams, the president of the Nova

Scotin chaptcr, resonated strongly in terms of my thesis work. Insuucung that we must tnke umc to smell the roses, and honour each other while we can, Dolly

\Kïlliams was referring to honouring the activism chat takes place in our communities, rcmcmbcring those who continue to work toward conirnunin. betterment.

Throughout this period, witnessing a visibiliry of Black peoples activism in

Sova Scotia, I became proud as 1 gained awarencss of the Black heritage thar brought mc ro the province, in the first piace. 1 was further reassured in my need to engage in affirming scholarship. A decisive moment of rupture that helped me make sense of al1 1 tiad struggled with, in terms of locating myself in my thesis work, is captured in thc following inspiring words of Toni Momson:

If anrthinç I do in the way of writing.. . isn't about the village or the communin. or about ou, then it is not about anything. 1 am not interested in indulçinç myself in some private, closed esercise of mv imagmation that t'ulfills onlr the obligation of my penonai drems-which is to sa!-, yes, the work must be political. It must have that as its thrust. That's a pejorative term in critical circles now: if a work of art has anv political influence in it, somehow it's tainted. My feeling is just the opposite: if it has none, it is tainted. (Toni Momson qtd. in James, J., 1993, p. l3O-l3l)

From these words, and foIIowing the aforementioned experiences in struggling with mv thesis dilemma, 1 was transfomed in my thoughts about research.

II. Discovenhg the Pleasures of Oral Narrative Research

One of the requirements of the methodology course was a presentation on a choicc of anv book from a given selection, which was about individual women's participation as rcscarchers in ferninist research practice. I selected Etter-Lewis'

Il 093) book XIr Sou1 is MvOwn, which was about her oral narrative research with

.\frican American women who had broken bamers by pursuing careers in non-

tradi tional fields.

This book dclighted me as 1 read the women's words of their lived

cspcricnces. From this book, 1 began to understand thac to render Black women's

voiccs and livcs visible in a celebratow frame within acadernia, I would have to speak

with somc women about some of their Iife accounts. Speaking to them would

pro\idc thc space to hear them amculate perceptions of their environment; their

scnsc of ngency, and the ways thev affirm themselves in their communities and

cwn-dar- - living. MYhopes were that 1 would be enriched through oral narrative

rcscarch and subsequentiy enrich Black women's scholarship, because as Bristow

(1093) has obsctned, "Black women's long histow of organizing in Canada has manv

strands, but most of these efforts are litde known outside the community'' (p. 165). The knowledge generated within community needs to be inseaed into the acadernic

realm to necessarilv validate the community as a site of epistemological production.

The growing scholarship on Black women's narrative discourse, which

cncompasses autobiographies, biographies, diaries, journals, €dm documentaries, oral

histon accounts, and slave narratives, is a testament to the suides that continue to be

madç in honouring the Lives and legacies of Black women. A few examples from this

dvnamic body of work include, Hill (1984); Talbot (1984); McKay (1989); Philip

(1989); Prieto Rc Brand (1989); Hamilton & Prieto (1989); Brand (1991); Etter-Lewis

(1 996b); Bris tow, Brand, Cam, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1 994); Carty (1 99 1);

N tutcla (1995); Moreau (1 997, 1996); and Henry (1 998).

From this drnamic collection 1 discovered the pleasures of doing oral

nnrrntivc rcscnrch with Black women by Black women; of listening to Black women

spcnk of thcir lived experiences; of hearing their loving defiance against oppression in

thcir cvendav. . living; of seeing in them women from whom we can learn from, given

our conncction as Black women as we also negouate our everyday living, of simply

having mcmories that celebrated these women's lives. Specificallr works chat cenued

on Black Novn Scotian women, such as Best (1977), Hamilton (1999, 1982),

thmilton & Prier0 (1989). Henry (1992). Moreau (1996), and Ntutela (1995), created

2 scnsc of hrniliarity and connection.

In their effort to subven the methodical racist invisibility of Black women's

cspericnccs in scholarship, these authors collecuvelv make visible the historical and

current realiues of Black women in their immediate communities and beond. As Black authors, these women dso honour their own heritage and rernind us of the importancc of preserving the knowledge and wisdom of our elders iived experiences, so thcy can be passed on for the sumival and betterment of hture generations. Oral

nnrrauve research provides the platform to pass on such knowledge as told by Black

women, so that we mav be inspired and nourished.

i. Community Othemothering in Black Women's Narratives

Thc recurring theme in oral narrative research with Black women is the role

that Black \vomen play as community othermothers, in relation to community

bcttcrmcnt. Collins (199 1) explains the essence of comrnunity othermothers:

Community othermothers have made important contributions in building a differcnt npc of community in often hostile political and economic surroundings. Communitv othermothers' actions demonstrate a clear rciection of separateness and individual interest as the basis of either communitv organization or individual self-actualization. Instead, the conncctcdness with others and common interest is espressed by community orhcrmothers modeis a venTdifferent value system, one whereby ilfrocenuic krninist cthics of caring and personal accountabilin~move comrnunities tbnvard. (p. 13 1- 1 32)

Because Black wornen share a common location as historicallv marginalised

pcoplc, along the lincs ofgender and race, thev share a communal identity (Collins,

199 1). i-lcncc their sense of self is "not defined as the increased autonomv gained in

scpnrating oneself from others. Instead self is found in the contest of farnily and

community . . . BI- being accountable to others. ..more fdlr human, less objectified

scli-CS...[tl hc iournev toward self-definition has politicai significance" (CoUins, 1991,

p. 105-106). This definition of self, rooted in an Afrocentric philosophy of community and connection, helps Black wornen to negotiate their identity and foreground their rcjcction of vituperauve constructions of Black womanhood and Blackness as defined br whiteness. Through their communiw othermothering acuvities, Black women cm snfelr engage each other and theorise against resistance to the externd obiecuficaaon of thcir lives. Hence, community otherrnothering becomes rooted in a communiw as

1 snfe discourse, in which community is a site of resistance. In community, Black women (and men) are affirrned and rendered visible. Examples of sites that are potcntials for community as a safe discourse include the church, the home, and communiry organisations (Collins, 1991).

From the spirit of community mothering that was reflected in the

:iforcmcntioncd narrative works, 1 was inspired bv these authors to carw out oral narrative rcsearch for this work, by talking with three Black wornen in Nova Scotia, whosc livcd csperiences embodied the spirit of community othermothering. In ddiuon, 1 inserred myself in the research as a participant with the women, which also cmbodicd a sense of comrnunity with them (this is the focus of chapter 4). BI- cciebrnting the voicc of these women, I would dso give breath to rnv own voice. The mcthodolog of oral narraave research would present a celebratory collage of Black wornen as agents and theorists for change, through community othermothering octi\-itics. Herein, 1 would come to find mv voice, mv fighting words, while cclçbrating their voices in honour of our ancestral communal spirit and hentage. Chapter Concfusion

The task of coming to any research work that affirms one's sense of identity, of finding a topic that is rooted in a heritage of Blackness, is one that entails a defiant longnç, especiallv given the marginalised location of Black epistemology in white acndemin. Rooting mernories of our heritage, through oral narrative research, bccomcs a useful methodology through which we can reclaim ourselves. The

fi~llowingchapter addresses the importance that memory plays in recovering a sense of idenun-, parucularlv looking at the role that sites of memory plav in orientinç us towards knowledge of our heritage.

' I sincerely thank Professor Ann Manicom who taught this course. Her extensive commenu on my weekly response papers and overall encouragement assured me that everything would rventually fall into place and so to trust myself in the process. I especidly thank her for loaning her copy of James & Farmer ( 1993) (see rcitrence list). which undoubtedly enriched this journey. Chapter 3

BIack Memory: Agency againsr Idative InteUectuaLity

The task of markmg, or creating, sites of memory assumes particular significance, 1 think for blacks in Canada, as a way of crmting understandhg and a shared history.. .. Sites of memory are where collective experience is honoured. Sites of memoq arc whcre the flowers are made visible and celebrated. (Sanders, 1998, p. 17)

One of the provisions of any written academic work is the presentation of a

"Lircraturc Rcview" to provide the reader with a background of previous works on thc topic of inquiry. In this chapter, the concept of a Literature review is interrogated b!. csploring the underlying meanings inherent in the selection of certain categories of litcrnturc for course readings. The issue raised hcre is that the literature selected in coursc rcadings are gtteways to Çurther knowledge bases and insights, howevcr, the problcm ariscs whcn the sclected Literature does not accurately or remotclv address onc's CS~C~C~CCand knowledge, in which case the gateways keep leading awav Çrom onc's rcalin-. When one does insist on those gateways that encompass that reaiiry, thcn one is movcd into opposiuonal directions that interrogate the Eurocentric pcdnpg that is at the hem of Our learning institutions.

In this interrogative process, resolcing to engage in literature broadli*defined as "al1 crcative works of man [and wornan) espressed in words.. mhether.. . Sung, spokcn or u-ritten down" (Okot p'Bitek, qtd. in Nandwa & Bukenya, 1990) that celebrates and honours one's heritage, becomes critical. Furthemore, raising quesuons of whose literature, what kind of Iiterawe and what type of iiterature rcvicw we engage in, leads to an understanding of how gateways of knowledge are connolled in Our learning institutions; of how Literature serves as a tool to either dishonour of honour one's expenence and heritage. The important relationship benveen literature and memory is significant in this process and thus serves as the undcrlying basis for this chapter.

Part One presents the relationship benveen memory and literature by viewing - Black mernon as a weapon through which we can reclaim lost and hidden aspects ot our herirage through affirming Literamre and Black epistemology. Itwani's (1 994) concept of' an "imitative inteliectualirf' discourse is used to illustrate the kidnapping of one's mcrnorv of identity and heritage in Our learning institutions. In addition, illustrating the connections benveen the ruling relaaons in our school environment and the Statc, the televised CadanHenhge Mlinrtecr project is presented as an csamplc of litcrature that also works to kidnap a memory of Our heritage. For tbose uniamiliar with the Canadian Herilage Miniïter proiect, enough information is provided

for thc discussion, along wvith a website address for further information on the prolcct.

In mv longng for Literature grounded in affirrning Black epistemology that

rciccts an imitative intellectualin. discourse, Part Two is a collage of bnef individual

and communiw narratives that inform of Black women's heritage in Nova Scoua. In

rhc tradition of communin. othermothering and resistance, these women have le fi

Icgi~icsof uiumph as beacons for us. Theirs is a heritage that is kidnapped from the

1-ieu-ingpublic' s me mon; from the Cmadian Heritage MIintes pro j ect. Part One

Black Memory

As Black people insisting on a daily affirmation of identity, Our relationship to mcmoF is one that is in constant battle. Tnis bade takes place because of what we rcmember of our heritage, of Our everyday living, and what the white dominant socicty chooses to remember and consequently forget of that heritage. In this batde,

WC understand that for those of us who have not had any conuol over how our history has becn shaped and is currendy being shaped, invariably the events of that histon arc recorded and constnicted according to the perspective of the histork in qucstion (Bris tow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd, 1994; Christian, 1985).

Furthcrmorc, "WC are clcar about the fact that historv is a selection of signifiant cwnts, a mcans of confronung a coherent pattern of Our pasc" and thus "we also dmost instinctivcly understand that whether history is considered science or humanism, it is, at core, a good story" (Christian, 1985, p. 166).

For this reason, history is not just a series of past events, but particularly ot-ganised information about those events from a pmicular perspective. With respect

to the organisation of Black people's historv, the white dominant society's institutions

dcmand that the historical information be cornpletely erased or distorted. Black

memon then necessarily becomes a central site for fighting against the habituai

tcndencies of the white dominant culture to promote a forgetfulness that renden

Black subjecuvities and histories non-existent and invisible. This is why we can be

dcscnbcd as "those blacks who ma! not be professionai historians but who nonetheless are a warchfd people, a people who could not not know: a people of long memon." (O'Medly & Fabre, 1994, p. 5).

The positioning of Black peoples' relationship to their history, being denied recognition and hisroncal accuracy, forces aggressive efforts towards coiiecting pieces of information for our memory that serves to educate us of Our history. The

\icakness of memory, however, reminds us that we are "threatened by a sense of discontinuin and Çorgetfulness" and so we must "seek new moorings and props, new rncans of reactivating the processes of rernembrance as we reach toward a better scnsc of who WC are and whence we have come" (O'Meally & Fabre, 1994, p. 7). ivc find thcsc props or sites of memory in parks, museums, churches, communin. centres, universi. halls, calendars, iournals, agenda books, bookmarks, road names, and on plaqucs, posters, t-shirts, and art pieces. These serve to commemorate Our csistencc bv activating a communal memory of known or unknown events, dates, places, and namcs. Insiscing we remain circumspect, thev aiso act as literarv tools and points of rcfcrencc for a memorv of our past. Some examples include the Black

(:ulturiil Centre for Nova Scoua; the Citadel Hill in Halifax, which was built around

1706 by the Jamaican Maroons - descendants of runaway slaves (Hamilton, 1982).

Sincc memory bridges famiiiarity across urne and space, and fosters personal and communal conncctions, we remain watchful so that Our ancestral, present, and future memon of who we were, who u7eare, and hope to be, is safelr anchored.

Through dailr esercises of cerernonious rituals, such as birthdays, communin- events, anniversaries, award cerernonies, we anchor that memory. Concomitantly, what we choose to remember of our iives and the world around us, is inmnsicaiiy linhd to what we forget, which is why the struggle of memory against time necessanly dcmands that memory be anchored in ways that dowits contents to remain accessible and tangible.

Therefore, erecting sites of memory becomes the weapon with whch to anchor and access the contents, because "[iln the quest for identity and the assertion of birthright and ances-, sites are anchors and framcs. Geographicai places and place-names map out bearings in space and urne" (O'Medy & Fabre, 1994, p. 10).

More important, "memory ultimately becomes the essential metaphor, a means to con front the troublesome past and the uncenain present" (O'Meaily & Fabre, 1994, p. 10). In Black mcmorv, immediate accessibility is crucial since memory is Our wcapon in rnappinç out present and future inroads that define and affirm Our subiectivities. Black memow thus holds political significance in preserving Our hcritage agpinst the intentional and systemauc amnesia of white merno-, allowing us to cscavate the buried memones of our elders, ancestors and the mernories of those su11 u-ith us.

Black mcmon., therefore, is a habit of survival in a white dominant culture that pcrpetuallv promotes a forgetfulness that renders Black subjectiviùes non- csistcnt and invisible. The theme of communal memory carried through the narrative is For this reason highly significant in BIack Literq tradition because litcrature cmbodies historicai information or in other words "is historïcal evidence because it is a present, palpable component of the past that formed it,. ..govemed by a thinking agent, by the mental life of a culture" (Houston 1'. Baker Jr. quoted in

Fiord, 1991, p. is).

Considering the sigmficance of erecting sites of memory, we cmmap out the interplay bcmcrn memory and personal narratives and further understand that at the hart of narrative discourse is the message of memory as a political weapon in connccung and reconnecting with one's heritage. In addition, sites of memory bccomc thc platform co erect aspects of history that celebrate a national hentage and idcntin, as in the case of the Cananian Hedage iVIinz~fesproject.

1. Whose Memov, IWiose Heitage?: Reffectiunson the Canadian HenntapM!ïhutes Project

The historical initiaave, the Canadian Hentage hfint~te~project is an example of a national narrative and site of memont that serves as a vehicle that reconnects one to mcmorics of the past to evoke a scnse of pride in a national heritage. Sponsored by thc CRB (Charles R. Bronfman) Foundation Heritage Project, and marlieted by the i-listoricn Group, the Canadian Hen?uge :LIitmfecr project comprise a varient of sis?- sccond mini-morics or vignettes, which air dailv on Canadian television nenvorks and in moïie theatrcs. Described as an educational tool "dedicated to fostering an cnthusinsrn for Cmadian histow" (h :/ lwnv.hcri twe~roicct.ca)these vignettes profilc sclected histoncal personalities and events in Canadian histow, and end with a caption thnt reads, "A Part of Our Heritage." The selections for the vignettes are

thematical1~-orgamsed as Çoilows: Women, First Nations, Exploration, Heroes,

Commerce, Sports, The Arts, Innovators, Building Democracy, Settling Canada, Canada and The world, Canadian Syrnbols, and Multiculturalism, as Listed on the

Licritage proiect wvebsite, h trn: / /w~vw.hr~ta~eproiect.ca/learnin~/minute/ themes.hun (hrther detds cm also bc found on this website). This herirage project took off in 1991 and has been airing cwr since.

In presenting this discussion on the Canadian Heritoge Minukr, my aim is not to dclvc into an cshaustive analysis of the selecuons in the series, but to point out that rhc undcrlving worhngs of this heritage project are grounded in a hegemonic construction of national heritage and memory representative of a racist cuitural rcprcssion (Hord, 1991), whereby a hierarchy of heritage, culture, and memorv is produccd in order to disfigure the historical memory of marginalised groups. Bv insisunfi on the viewers' identification with a constnicted national heritage rooted in whi tcncss, a violent obliterauon and distortion of Black Canadians' heritage takes place cvcrvdav. . on the screen. Since the heritage vignettes do not depict Our participation in the development of the Canadian Iandscape, the result is what Itwani

11 994) dcscribcs as n kidnapping of one's identity and memory of one's heritage. This kidnapping occurs through a sanitization of history (Kelly, 1998), which ven- well sen-cs the inrerest of the ruling relations of the state.

Though the heritage vignettes have been airing for almost ten yars, ther onlv came to m. attention rwo years ago when 1 moved to Haiifau; a timelv coincidence considcring that the Canadian heritage of Black Nova Scotians brought me here.

.\ftcr watching a number of these vignettes, 1 becarne curious about hem, as ther werc quite informative about unknown facts and personalities in Canada's history.

Take for esample; that the inventor of the basketbd sport was a white Canadian man bv the name of James Naismith, or that one of the popular chocolate name brands,

Lztru Jecord, was named after a white Canadian woman, Laura Secord. With the help of the Kahnawake Mohawks, Laura Secord managed to wam the British of the

Amcrican attack during the war of 1812. The story of the last race of the HaMax

Blucnose schooner and its drmatic win against an Amencan ship is also dramatised in the SC~~Sof heritage vignenes. As a residenr in Halifax, 1 do admit a feeling of pridc upon watching this vignette.

Highlighting these three vignenes is done to demonstrate that there is no question that thc heritage project is an educational tool serving to bnng to light possiblv unknown events and personaiities in Canadian history. Who knrw Laura

Sccord u-as a historical personaiiw! The grave disservice of this vehicle, however, lies in the prcdominant hces of whiteness occupying the screen, which sends the message that onl~white people's history and experiences define a Canadian heritage.

Specificallv, that thc heritage and tirades of what Afua Cooper refers to as "the nvo grcat white solitudes - the French md the English" (qtd. in Silvera, 1994), is the cpitomc of Canadian histon.

Herein, 1 wondered about the heritage of Black people and First Nations pcople in the heritage series. In urne, I saw one vignette reflecting the heritage of

Black people, one of First Nations people, and one of Chinese Canadian people.

This made me a bit enthusiastic and opamistic and so 1 was compelled to contact the CRB Foundauon Heritage office to request a descriptive List of all the vignettes in the

Cmradimz Heritage ilfittute~project. 1 wanted to know whether there were other vignettes on Black people's heritage, which I may not have seen. It should be noted that the received descriptive Iist of sixty vignettes, is not a stagnant one as six additional vignettes are currently in the working, according to the CRB Heritage wcbsi te (sec

12 ttp: / /\cx'u~. histori.ca/historica/enp- site/minutes/minutes onlinr/hisrorv. htrnl).

To interrogate the meanings embedded in the overd construction of the hcritngc project, the Çollowing three pan section offers a bkfbreakdown and discussion of the vignettes as related ro the Black people's hentage, First Nations pcoplcs hcritage, and women's heritage. The rhemes of merno- kidnap and sanitization of historv guide the discussion towards an unders tandmg of the highly invisible workings of the Canadian Heritage Minutes project, and the embedded rnca n i ng i n th c p h rase, "A // the Womerr Are White, Ai7 the B1ack.s Are Men, Bat Some of LIv$

:lrr Brmu," borrowed from the book utle of Huil, Scott, & Smith (1982) is used to surnrnarisc this invisibility.

i. A Breakdown

Out of sis? vignettes, spanning almost ten years, the number of vignettes that

rctlect the herïtage of Black people in Canada is an insulting number of three. One

tclls otJackic Robinson, the first African-hmencan baseball player to play in

orqaniscd.-. baseball for the Canadian team, the honueal Royals, in 1946. The Canadian heritage angle is that Canada contested the racial barriers in sports that yar b~ helping to launch Jackie Robinson's carrier as a basebail player. A second one dcpicts Maurice Ruddick, an African Canadian collier, describing how he and his fcllow workers survived Nne days trapped underground during the 1958 Spcinghll,

SonScoua mining disaster. Encouraged by Ruddick's singing of hymns, the coal miners struggled to remain alert by singing dong und they were rescued. It was

Ruddick's sinffng that caught the attention of the rescue team, as his voice was heard through the pipes underground.

Further information on Ruddick's heroism, as found on the aforementioned hcritagc projcct website, rweals that following the rescue, the Governor of the state of Georgia invited the coal miners to a celebratory party at one of his luxurious rcsorts. Upon rcalising that one of the miners was a Black man, the governor s tipulated that Ruddick could ioin the celebrations provided he remained segregated hmthe rcst of the white coal miners whiie at the resort. The white coal rniners insistcd that Ruddick remain with them or else there would be no festiviûes, however, thc got-crnor was not going to change his mind. Ruddtck then decided to remain scparntcd at the rcsort so that his fellow workers would not miss the celebrations. He

Mt that upon their return to Nova Scotia, thev would not be segregated and would bc together again.

The third vignette reflects Afiican-Americans escape from slavery to

"tceedom" in Canada, between 1840 & 1860 via the Underground Raiiroad. The succcss of a Black famdv's escape is dramatîsed. Unquesuonably, a sense of outrage coupled with the typical foul smeU of rokenism percolates upon reahsing that these three vignettes are the selected rcpresentations of Black Canadian's heritage. This anger is heightened upon seeing that the same applies to the vignettes depicting First Nations people's heritage, which

an insulting number of sis (sec li ttp: / /\nn~.hcritac~roicct.ca/Iearnin~~rninutc/ thcmcs. html for a breakdown).

The implicit message in the vignettes of First Naaons people is that thev did not have a heritage and culture before the arrival of the Canadian colonialists - the

British and thc French. Aspects of their culture are always narrated in the presence of a white man or woman. This suggests that only whiteness cmlend authenticin. to tlicir histon, in which case First Nations people are never portrayed separatel- or apart from the prescnce of white people. The vignettes always depict some intcraction and/or "contact" benveen First Nations people and their Canadian colonialists. Thcrein, the consequent decimation, slavery, destruction, land appropriation, and rare of First Nations people following this contact is eradicated in

thc vipmtcs. The rclaaonship benveen First Nations people and their destrovers is

one of amicabilin and/or paternalism. In essence, First Nations people are accorded

no nuthorin as historicd agents but as people whose history began through "contact"

with the white colonists, in the heritage project.

As co the heritage of women, the celebration focuses on that of white women

in n~.elreripettes, with an additional one in the works. The women pro filed are

Emiiv Murphv, Laura Secord, Ernily Carr, Marion Orr, Madarn Vanier, Neilie McClung, r\gnes Macphd, Jennie Trout, Mary Travers, as well as three unidentified women. The celebrated heritage of these women is their breakthrough into a range of white male dominated fields such as politics and education (see h tm: / /u~r.u..he~taeeoroiect.ca/learnin~/minutc/thems.hl for a detailed brcakdr~wn).

Finallv, the last but not the least telling in these critical observations of historical csclusion, is the vignette that depicts the significant role that Chinese workcrs plaved in the Canadian Pacific Railway consmction in British Columbia, during thc 1880s. The dramatisation tells of the racist atmosphere that led to the opprcssivc and most dangerous working conditions under which they were forced to work, and for half the wages thnt white workers received. The esplosive materials that rhc Chincsc workers worked with resulted in a devastatingly high death rate. A grand fnthcr of Chinese ancesw passes on to his grandchildren this unforgetttable histon- of Chinesc people in Canada and succinctly punctuates his message wlth the words, 'Thcy. sav. rhat for every mile of raiiway, one Chinese man died.'

ii. "But Some of Us Are StiU Brave:" A Discussion

Consider the following statement by the creatoa of the Catzadimz Heritoge

.\litmtr~proicct, as an appropriate starting point for the discussion and critical analrsis of thc \-ibmettes: "The aim uras to make the issues of Canada's developrnent and

national life -its heroes, its triumphs, and its contributions corne dive on our

tclcvision and movie screens. It was an arnbiâous vision and it has succeeded rcmarkably"

(h tto: //~?cu..histori.ca/historica/en~site/minutes/rninutes online/historv.html).

This sraremcnc provokes one to ask, whose hentage, whose memory, whose vision consùtutes the issues of Canada's developrnent and national life, and on what pounds is the success of this project measured that makes it remarkable.

Reflecung on these questions, Çollouing the above brief glimpse into the heritagc proiect, there is no doubt that the Canadian Hentage Minrrter proiect is a fitting illustration of the machinaaons of a racist Canadian nauonalist discourse (iMukhejce,

1994); "a discourse that undergirds the Canadian state and al1 its social and cultural hicrarchies" (Mukherjee, 1994, p. 427) by ailowing the vision of the white dominant socicn to construct a Canadian heritage whose very success is in the rape and kidnap of thc hcritagc of marginalised people. Keeping in mind that, "[tlhe wav in which maps of mcaninç arc constructed often relates to the wvay that groups are included

2nd cscluded from a nation's history," and that "[c]ontrol over representntion of the pasc cm be uscd to achieve compliance with the aims and interesrs of those who cscrt powcr in the name of the state" (Kelly, 1998, p. 41), provides the basis for a critical discussion hcreon.

Various works continue to address and criûcise the prevailing racist nauonalist discoursc in Canadian culture and its institutions thereof (for example, Graveline,

1998; Jaunzcms, 1996; Silvera, 1995;James & Shadd, 1995; Boyko, 1995; Henry,

Tator, Alattis, Pc Rees, 1995; Morreli, Harris, Philip, Brand, 1994; Mukhejee, 1994;

Bristow, Brand, Cam, Cooper, Hamilton, Shadd, 1994; Philip, 1992; Cq,1991; Brand, 199 1). Accordingly, a recurring theme nins throughout, and that is, that a hicrarchy of white race and white gender forms the building block that designs a

Canadian identity. On this block, the relationship benveen the two white solitudes, or what hlukhe jee (1994) refers to as "the rnaster narrative of wo founding raccs/peoplcs/cultures" (p. 441), takes the lead. To the discerning and critical rnind, this thcme is duplicated in the heritage project, in that First Nations people, people of

;\frican Canadian, Mrican Caribbean, Asian, Chinese and Japanese identity are apportioncd no significance, if anv, to the development of Canada's history and landscapc.

In thcir pioneering seminal work on Black women's heritage in Canada,

Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, and Shadd (1994) offer a decisive analysis of hou the State, in its historicdy unhygienic academic rendition and recollecuon of

Canadian history, works to marginalise Black people. They note that in this rcndition, the presence of Black people typically begins and ends with the horrors of slavcn in Canada, which dso creates the false perception that Canada was the land of the fiec, devoid of slaverv and racism. Converselv, Bristow et al. (1 994) add chat thcrc is also thc betief that Black people only arrived in Canada through recent immigration policies, erasing the reality of generations of Black people in Canada.

Eroding the gcnerauonal presence of r\frican people erodes their contribution to the hisrorid and cultural landscape of Canada, and this solidifies the perception of a stapant history in which Black people were not historical agents. Therefore, one cm conclude from the fdse pomaval that since thev ceased to be histoncal agents, then there could not have been any influence from Black people on the cultural dcveloprnent of Canada.

Responcling to these fdse portrayals, Bristow, Brand, Cartv, Cooper,

Hamilton, and Shadd (1994) defiantly state:

We agreed that these omissions are part and parce1 of the endemic racism that Lcls the Canadian intellectual tradition. The vision of Canada as an enure culture of hg10 and or Franco existence is nanow and inaccurate. This Eurocentric perspective, a cornentone of white supremacy, fails to accommodace any other peoples in its structuring. It renders irrelevant the historical fact that First Nations peoples were here before the arriva1 of Europeans. (p. 8)

In the practice of a Eurocenuic inteilectual thought, any mention of First Nations peoples has esisted in the contest of white explanauon and white intcrpremtion. The manifestations of this practice continue todav in the form of First Nations peoples' Lives and history being told by whites, although this practice is now under challenge bv First Nations writers and scholars. (Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd, 1994, p. 8-9) in thc snrne vcin, Mukhetjee (1994) adds:

Canadian nauondism, for us non-whites, is a racist ideolog that has branded us, "un-Canadian" by acts of omission and commission. Its proponents dctcrmined what is Canadian culture. Only MO cultures were considered officiallv Canadian, although the Quebecois don't feel the. are treated equallv - equal to the Anglos 1 presume. Aboriginal cultures and Aboriginal rights wcre denied and continue to be denied.. .They [the nationalist discourse] did not produce an ideology of national Liberation that would include al1 Canadians on an equal footing. (p. 436-437)

Br asking the question, whose heritage and whose memorv is constructed in

the hcritage proiect, more specific to my concem, however, is the consummation of a gcnder and racial hîerarchy that deliberately, Mthout finching, excises the heritage of

Black women in Canada. The phrase, "Allthe Women an White, Aiithe Blackr an Men, But Some oj'U~AreBrave," brilliantly captures this excision. It signifies the bravery and triumphant experiences of Black women who have been excised from historical accounts. Recall that the selected vignettes celebrating Canadian women are only concerned with the expenences and Lives of white women; and while there is barely an accurate representation of Black people's heritage in three of the vignettes, only onc Black man is celebrated for his heroism. Black women are cut out, hence the abovc stated phrase.

This crasure of Black women in the heritage vignettes seriously rankles and this fccling is csacerbated in our learning experience. Because our leaming institutions arc reflective of the general niiing relations in society, the violent address of u-omcn's histon in Canada is a pattern that can be found in Canadian women's histon tests, in which Black women and Colourful womenYsesperiences are mutilated. This painful ktis revealed in Bristow, Brand, Cary, Cooper, Hamilton,

LY: Shildd (1994)'s observation from their analysis of Canadian women's hisrory texts and thcir conclusion that Black women were completely invisible. Bristow et al. point out that in rare cases where Black women were noted or given cursow mention, the catcgon- of race \as not considered in the annlysis of women's histon-. This means that "individual accounts or stories of preiudice and discrimination corne across as isolntcd incidents, giving the impression that race and racisrn do not fundamentally shapc the lives of both white and Black women" (Bristow, Brand, Ca-, Cooper,

Hamilton, & Shadd, 1994, p. 8). Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1994) further remark on similar tendencies of histoncal works authored by Black men to render Black aomen's agcncy as historical agents invisible. Take for example the pictures of cclcbrated Black male pioneers in historical terts. Often the caption underneath the picturc would read something like 'Yosiah Henson and wife," forcing one to wonder about the wife's name and her own contribution to her husband's achievements.

This is a cautionaq remark to all of us to be mindful of the tendency to speak of

Black people's accomplishments, while invariably giving no thought to the accomplishments of Black women, because "Black" becomes synonymous for men. tIcncc the phrasc "Al1 the Blacks Are Men," which reminds us how we invariably rcfcr to Black men whcn we speak genencally of Black people, while Black women bccornc invisible or become recogmsed when their gender is emphasised.

The lesson here is that we musc resist pamcipating in the same erasure and bclittlcmcnr of Black women's achievements and existence, particularlr in light of the wcrificcs thcv make for us - male and female. If we are to honesdy revere their spirits, in Our lires, schools, homes, and communities, without masquerading their idcntin under the obscure category of "wife," then we must remember to honour rhcir individuality even as they worked collectively towards cornmunity uplift.

iii. Memory Ridnap through a Sanitised Heritage

ln the above discussion of the erasure of Black women's heritage, two dominant thcmes operate when we watch these vignettes. Fust, what Invaru (1994) describes as memory kidnap, and second, what Kelly (1998) describes as a sanitised construction of history that fits with a national dominant ideology. The essential message is that in the presentation of a sanitised history, in which the struggles and accompanving triumphs of Our past are erased from a particular construction of histon, Our ancesq and historical realities become repudiated and dispiaced. In this proccss, WC esperience a feeling of being kidnapped from the experiences in Our ancestral memow; our ancestral heritage and memories, therefore, become kidnapped

from us. Invaru eloquently describes this sense of kidnap, of being forcibly uprooted

I sa\. another kidnapping in memory of those Africans and Indians who were hdnappcd, bound and gagged and taken CO the labour camps of Europe's and Britain's empires, their plantations of slavery and plantocracy, peoples whose dcaths arc forever the blood on the hands of their torturers and killers, for whom.. .no washing, ceremonial or othenvise, will ever remove. (Invaru, 1994, p. 32)

The fccling of being kidnapped mirrors the feeling experienced while wvatching

the hcritagc project because in chose vignettes, Black Canadian women and men are

violcntlv uproo tcd from the Canadian historical landscape. r\ successfu1 kidnap is

rhus prcdicatcd on the absolute distortion of historv and a saniusauon of its events.

Whcn there is no presence of Black fernale pioneers, whether slave or free, or

sunivors, cducators, poliucians, women who made in-roads where white women had

not uead, to those of us whose memories know differently, that memory becomes

assaultcd, it becomes kidnapped. What we how to be me of our heritage is then

made a lie. Illustrations of sanitised aspects of Canadian history are many and vary (for csample, see Keily, 1998; Boyko, 1995; Brand, 1991). One common illustration is

". .- - -- . found in thc perception that Canada is a country ot harmomous living, a multicuitural socien., free of the racism that bedevils our neighbours, the United States. Kelly

(1998) States that in order to bolster this image of harmony, "certain symbols such as rhc Underground Railway, protection of the Lion's paw and the yiding North Star came to indicate that the Canadian State was a haven for Afncan Canadians fleeing the US" (p. 37). In addition, a 1995 report by the Canadian Civil Liberties

.\ssociation provided proof of this historical sanitisation in the minds of graduating liigh school students (Kelly, 19%). The students had no knowledge of Canada's liistoricd racist practices, as in the esample of the segregated schooiing scstcm in

Nova Scoua and Ontario; a history that according to Case (1 996) is one of "an anguished story of the exclusion of hfrican Canadian children [in which] [tlhe 1850

Education Act should be considered as a major act of violence against African

Canadians u-hich has repercussions CO this day" (p. 305).

Esplaining the implications of the 1850 Education Act, Case (1996) notes that the 1830 Education Act was formed because of the vote of white raxpayers in favour of scgregated schools for Black people in Ontario. The established Black schools, howxcr, wcre removed from the jurisdiction of the Board of Education, which cscludcd thcm tiom access to funding necessaq to rnaintain the schools. This also

mcant that the Black community could not solely maintain their schools because of

the cconomic hardshp brought about by the racist conditions. In essence, BIack people were not provided the means to set up well-resourced schools nor were they allowcd to attend the well-resourced white schools. Case further notes that,

Even in those parts of Ontario, notablv Toronto and Hamilton, where schools were not tradiaonaily segregated, African Canadian students were often relegated to the back of the class, ignored and suffered greatly €rom lack of self-csteem as a resdt of the general conditions of their education. (1996, p. 205)

Egcrton Rvcrson was the mm who prepared the 1850 Education Act and whom the

Toronto Rycrson Polytechnic University is named after (Case, 1996).

hnother esample of the historical cducauonal racism in Canada can be found in thc sentiments espressed in a letter written by Lieutenant Governor Lord

Dalhousie, after whom Dalhousie Universin, is named (Fovn, 1998). The letter was

:iddresseci to Lord Bathurst and reveals the debased amtude towards Black Nova

Scotians who wcrc suiving to setde in their new home, Nova Scoua, following their clisplaccrncnt and kidnap, from their original homeland, hfrica:

Pcrmit me to state plainlv to Your Lordship that little hope can be entertained of settling these people so as to provide for their families and wants - they mut bc supported for manv vears - Slaves by habit and chcation, no longer working under the dread oit& lash, the idea if freedom is idleness and they arc ther[c]fore quite incapable of Indusw. (qtd in Fovn, 1998, p. 179; emphasis mine)

Fo1.n (1 998) adds that although Lord Dalhousie was encouraging in seeking pro\-isions for the Black settlements, he did not regard Afncan people as human follouing his description of them as c'slaves bv habit and education." Furthemore,

"[i]n condernning Mricans as, "slaves bv habit and education," Lord Dalhousie not

-cd his acceptance of contemporq perceptions of rifricans. he also fded to recognize the fundamentai inequalities that evisted in the African sedements"

(Foyn, 1998, p. 205).

h final illusuauon in the series of sanitised constructions of Canada's history,

1s thc perception that Canada has historicallv been a country that opened its doors to immigrmcs. The racist immigration policies of the early 1900s to the 1960s, however, rcmind us of the aggressive efforts made to create a white Canadian mosaic by rcstricung enqto African peoples (Kelly, 1998;Jakubowski, 1997; Boyko, 1995).

During that pcriod access was denied based on pervading stereotypes of Black people

;is unintclligcnt, unskilled, amoral, and unclean, however, challenges were later made to rhc rncist immigration policies in 1954 via the Negro Citizenship Association, which crcatcd peater awareness among the general public (Kelly, 1998). In 1962 and

1967, changcs wcrc eventuallv madc to the Immigration Act, not because of Canada's ticne\-olcncc, or agenda to promote a multicultural society, but because of economic cspcdicnc\- (Kelly, 1998). "The federal government realized that Canada would not bc nblç to rclr on its traditional source for skilled immigrants - namely Europe"

(licll~,1998, p. 41), at which point, the emplovment market in Canada became rncialized. In the 1950s and 1960s, Black wornen from the Caribbean were allowed mtn. into Canada onlv as employable domestic workers with no assignment of cicizcnship status (Brand, 1991). The women were ofren forced to leac-e their families bchind because spouses or children were dowed en. onlv as dependents and not as prirnan immigrants. Concluabhg Section

Al1 of these patterns and practices that negate the heritage of Black uromen and men makc the critical reflection of the media's construction of who we are and what are histones are, very pertinent. Consider again that in the alrnost ten vear span of the Camdian Hedage 1illwte.r project that Our Black heritage runs counter to the hcgcmonic definition of history and culture; a de finition that creates a hierarchy of cspericncc. \!C'hile the running vignettes are nevertheless sites of memory of such cspcricnce, it is a selecuve memory that disfigures in order to promote a racist cultural repression.

Thc scriousness and implications on the mind of young Canadians, especiaily

.\frican Cmndians, is evident on the heritage projcct website, which indicates that thcsc vignettes arc used as educational tools in Our classrooms. Wrroring the type of mcmon kidnap that takes place on our screens, is the kidnapping that takes place in our schools rhrough the Eurocentric literature that is forcibly taught. One can imaginc the mcmory kidnap chat Our young ones are experiencing, when the. are dcnied the truth of their identity and their nghrful sense of belonging. Hence, the procceding section looks at how students experience this kidnap in their educaaonal pursuits, through an imitative inteilectuality. Part Two

Imitative In teUectualty

Accepting Hord's (1991) statement that "literature can be usefd in helping black students to chrify their relationship to the past and thus making them informed mcdiarors of present issues of racial pride" (p. v), we cmconclude chat iiteranire scncs as a veliiclc for poliacai and cultural consciousness that enforces historical conunuity. Literature, therefore, serves as a conduit through which mernory of our hcritagc is summoned. For this reason, one of the powerful sites in which memory of knowledçe and heritage is dailv anchored is in our learirning institutions. More spccificallr, thc questionable power Lies in academia's participation in guarding certain kinds of mcmory by creating and institutionatising a hierarchv of literature, knowlcdgc and csperience; a hierarchy that is representative of the ruling relations thnt csist in sociew, of which our lcarning institutions are bastions of.

i. Machinations of an Imitative Intelîectuality

.-\hicrarchr of iiterature and knowledge is at the core of any educational srstcm premised on a Eurocenuic and supremacist epistemology. In this hierarchy,

F.uroccnuic knowledge bases override the knowledge bases of Black people,

Colourful pcople, and in general historicaily disenfranchised people. This rneans that onc's nbilin- co successfd~imitate and regurgitate the Eurocenmc epistemological constructs in the classroom necessarily signalled one's great intelligence. In other words, "[tlo have success was to show how clever we were in remaining within the limirs of such benevolent scholariy allowance, how weil we could practise an in~itative b~tel/ecftm'it-y" (Invaru, 1994, p. 24; original italics). In this imitative intellectuality, our cspcncnces as historically marginalised people are thus excised when they are defined and articulatcd through the racist lens of Eurocentrism. Herein reside the machinations of m imitative intellectuaiity.

Because an imitation of white wavs of being, of knowing, of thinking, of analrsing, was essential to a mastery of inteiiectual discourse, any resistance to this imitation, anv criùcal interrogation of the constructed western classics and theorists, and anr attcmpt to insert one's perspectives and theories, which were necessarily in opposition to the white dominant and colonial perspectives, resulted in one's Mure in thc cducauon svstem (Imam, 1994). The invidious workings of this imitative bchnt-iriur, is what Invaru describes as the kidnapping of one's intellect in which

"kidnapping becomes the mandaton. reading" (1 994, p. 22) of Eurocenvic epistcmology. Invaru (1 994) beauafullv captures the violence in this kidnapping:

Those rcquired readings took us awav from the play of life in us and amidst us in the suuggle for sunrival which our living had been made into bv the Irnpcrial Occupier. It ignored the voices in us. It taught us to disregard the lament of the speaking dead, the sweat the blood the body of mernory in the

a.. a.. qround and footpaths of our dailv existences.. .it took us outside of ourselves, away from ourselves, awav from Our mother's and father's gaze, it deafened us against rheir speaking. It turned Our thinking towards a deceptive inwardness, a thinking which looked towards England for meaning. (Itwaru, 1994, p. 22- 23) Imitative intellectualiw thus creates a delusional gaze by upholding the imperial gaze that renders Our invisibihty and inferiority (Invaru, 1994), and therein lies the ktdnapping of marginalrsed people's inteiiectual and spiritual memory of themselves.

ii. Making Connections through StudentsyNarratives

\.?-dc wriung to affirm a loving identity of Blackness and Community, there

Lias a suddcn pause for reflection concerning the methodolog). of structuring the

mandaton. thesis literature review. In those reflective moments, there was a stark

rcalisation that as Black students craving knowledge of Our ancesvy and experience,

our brains are left drowning and choking in white epistemology. We choke because

out- hurnanitv and history are accorded no significance and thus excised from the

gcncral sites of epistemological production, and as we stmggle to swim up to shore,

WC rcalise that "[tlhe average Black child is learning about the life lived bu the White

studcnt while the White student is living the life he [or she] is learning about" (Parent,

BIAC Rcport on Education, 1994). This denial of self-knowledge, of an active

participation in literature that locates our subjectivities in our educational journey,

that also intcrroçates colonial and racist definitions of Black people and Colourful

pcople, is here again, illusvative of the insidious worliings of an imitative

intellectualin..

Cndcrstanding this to be the inherent design of white academia, making the

connection that as Black students, we are robbed of our heritage when we consume

hourlt- the message that dl things white matter and that our lives and experiences are inconsequential because of our Biackness, 1 resolved to criticdy assess how 1 designed my literature review, which would inevitably lead me to a thesis focus. 1 came to the awareness that imbibing the messages that permeate white-cenued litcrnture docs not "encourage young [Black] inteiiecnials.. .to seriously deliberate their hisrory.. .to mediate that history through the study of their literature" (Hord,

1991, p. v).

An active mediation and summon of memory is svstematicaliy denied and delibcrarelv kept from Our reach when we are consistently in the position of engaging and anal\-sing white literature; using white ce ferences and theoretical standpoints to dctinc and assess Our ways of being. We eventually become so familiar with white fcmalc and malc ways of knowing, white female and male authored te'rts, and yet sharncfuily unhmiliar and unaware of Black female and male authored tcxts that nffirm our Bhck subjectiviaes. As a result, we lose ourselves, become fcagmented, disoricnted and violated as we participate in honouring the ancestors of white cpistcmologics, whilc ours cry out to be called upon and be cemembered. With no scnsc of agency to hed ourselves and assert authority in how we perceive our place in this world, our mernonr of who we are is kidnapped hourly in Our classrooms, bccausc wc sce that in our white dominant Canadian sociew,

academic discourse, state practices, the consmiction of knowledge imparted to ou th through the cumcula and everyday social interactions giving definitions to the socien. continue to reflect the dominant white relations of niling while paying lip semice to diversity and difference through the ocgamzed rhetonc of anti-racisrn. (Cq,1993, p. 11) Similarly, "although di institutions work together to mysufy and dehumanize the colonized, education can be at once the most subtle yet devastating in its assault on the personali?" (Hord, 1991, p. 4) because "the memory which is assigned him Fer] is certainiy not that of his people. The history which is taught him [her] is not his

Fer1 own" (Albert Memmi qtd. in Hord, 1991, p. 3). The result thereol is an cmasculatcd intellect.

In narrative research with hfrican Canadian students (Dei, 1998b; 19981;

1996b; 1996a; 1995; Kelly, 1998; Dei, Mazzuca, McIsaac, & Zine, 1997; Mortley,

1995), studcnts' discussions on the type of literature they are forcibly taught are

titunqlv<. illustrativc of the machinations of imitative intellectudity. They express the pain of bcing kidnapped in the intellectual aping of white epistemology, as they

strntcgzc to find ways of learning about Black epistemology, which is denied them in

thcir classrooms. The' speak of their efforts to de+ the mandate of white academia

bv locating themselves in their understanding of their world and the world around

thcm. Bccausc a memon of their heritage is rendered invisible, a disconnection to

the curricula content is inevitably created. Alongside these narrative works, are

insightful collections of aniclcs by parents, community leaders, and school

administrators @'O~~lev. . &James, 1998; Brathwaite &James, 1996; BLhC Report on

Educauon, 1994; Henry, 1992) that discuss suategies of resistance aginst imitative

intellcctunlin in their children's learning.

What is esceptiondv encouraging in the students' voices is how they corne to

understand and articulate the impact of imitative intellectuali~and consequentiy assert their agency by refusing the repression of their ancestry's memones. They corne to see a need to know more of themselves, the need for Black faces at the front of their classrooms, and the struggle in longing for Black epistemology. To honour the collective experiences of Black students desiring to affirm themselves in kindcrçarten, high school, and university, a few escerpts of students' narratives are prcscnted below, as they reflect the smggles inherent in this desire. From their words, wc can seek support in the communal fight to long for Blackness in Our acadcmic esperiences because even though "the history of education in Ontario [and

Canada] is an anyished story of the exclusion of ilfrican Canadian children" (Case,

1996, p. N>),the anguish persists to this da.. Bv reading their words and honouring their pain, wc refuse the kidnapping of their own mernories:

I have to go home and study so 1 can pass about someone else's culture and maybc if I have to five minutes before 1 go to sleep 1 can read some other book. Last year 1 had so much more tirne CO read but this rear 1 feel as though I haven't learned anvthing about what 1 want to learn. I think it's shamcful. (Kelly, 1938, p. 133)

I shouldn't have to go after school to learn about my history.. . PYhites] don't have to go after school to learn about their history.. .. (Kelly, 1998, p. 133)

Canadian histor. I did not learn about Black people.. .in the past nvo years, we have improved in out geography.. .but we don't reailv learn about the cultural background.. .not even the people, but just the city or the country. Basics, nothing deep.. .I would like to know more about the histon,. .ves, a lot morc. I think I need to know a lot more than 1 know. (Dei, hfazzuca, McIsaac, & Zine, 1997, p. 87)

[i\]nd even-thing we are evpected to learn, it is always from the White point of view. \Ye are not White, we are Black. 1 am fed up with this shit. (Mortley, 1995, p. 69)

I've never had a Black teacher and I've been able to make it. But 1 think it would reallr help on perhaps not the educational level, because I'm sure that a pcrson who is white or a person who is Black 1 mean they are both able to slearn the same amount and teach the sarne amount to students and they cm both teach very well or whatever. But 1 think just having someone who's Black up there who cm share like some of my experiences with me.. .. You know I'd be able to learn how hard to how easy it was for that person to bccome a teacher and the experiences that they went through maybe in terms of racisrn they had.. .they'd be able to tell me how to deal with it and I'd be able to learn in that aspect. 1 think that would help me a lot. (Dei, 1996b, p. 52)

Ir's like vou're learning about somebody else's history. You're learning about whcn th& [white people] discovered [aAmerica when thing were good for thern and when they did this and when they did that.. .. It started to take its toll on me after a while. (Dei, Mazzuca, McIsaac, & Zine, 1997, p. 139)

Schools are so deprived of Black stuff that a social teacher who said that he had bccn teaching social for a long tirne [was surprised when] .. .I told him that the first lady in the newspaper indusq was a Black lady, and he didn't know. Thnt's something that a social studies teacher should know. (Kelly, 1998, p. 130)

Thc Black lady \vas Man. Ann Shadd and the name of her newspaper was the

Provincial Frecman. It would appear that it is not only the Social Studies teacher who does not know Man. Ann Shadd. The folks at the Histonca group, sponsors of thc C~i~tadi~~nHenrnge i\fimttes series, might dso be asked if thev know who Man- Ann

Shadd is, and know of her accomplishment as the first woman, not just Black u-oman, but first woman to own and publish a newspaper in North America.

The issue of student retention and dropout, resulting from students' discngagemcnt from their curriculum, is a consequence of an educauonal experience rootcd in imitative intellecnialitv (Dei, Mazzuca, McIsaac, & Zine, 1997). W'hiIe Dei,

AIazzuca, AlcIsaac, & Zine, (1997) note that family Life and econornic constraints have a significant impact on a student's abilitv to stay in school or dropout, &ev note chat concerns of curriculum content, ueatment by teachers and administrators, and a suong presence of mentors, also conspire to create the disengagement that students feel in their schools and universities. One smdent illustrates the interplay of thesc tactors:

Our administration is dl White.. .it goes back to the drop-outs' point of view for rcasons dropping out, if you look at that.. .you can see that the people in power are a11 White and.. .pu might start thinking that there's no place for a Black person there. You aren't seeing any role models.. .. You might sav, 'Blacks can't do that; Blacks can't make it that far, so why am 1 bothering because with this school system I'm not gonna make it anywhere. (Dei, Mazzuca, McIsaac, & Zine, 1997, p. 81)

A rclling rcvclation in Dei et al. (1997), however, was that in addition to students dropping out because their sense of identicy was not affirmed, students did not drop out duc ro low self-csreem, as is popularlv perceived. On the contram, becausc of thcir strong scnsc of identity, students were "forced out" from feeling disconnected to the curric~lumthat systcmatically worked to erclude them. Dei ct al. concluded thcn that dropping out could be interpreted as a form of resistance to Euroccnuic ciirriculum uhile swing in school is also a strategy to contest the hegemonic ideologies that are nurtured within.

In the nbscnce of our histories and subiectivities from our learning

çspcricnccs, "positive, affective moments are rare for students of African Heritage in

Canadian classrooms" (Henw, 1998, p. 117) and these students' narratives poignantiy and passionatelv remind us of the negation of Our Blacliness in Our schools. Our intellects are brutalised when Our professors and teachers look at Our Black eves looliing bnck at them while we seethe with rage questioning the vew authorin- on wvhich they stand before us and deny Our presence. Our textbooks skew our Lives as

Black wornen under the universal category "women," which applies to white women, and under the category '3lack" which applies to Black men (Bristow, Brand, Carty,

Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd, 1994). We sit hoping that before the academic year is up rhat our Black eves will caution Our professors to acknowledge Our presence.

For some of us, raising Our hands and insisang on our experiences, Our thcorics, our rnothers, Our fathers, is a daunting task because the mandate of white dominant iearning sites is that of an aggressive perpetuation of white epistemologicd supcriority. Evidence of this is found in the hiring practices of professors and administrators, and in the development of curricula (Dei, 1998b; Ca-, 1991). On thc othcr hand, Ume has painfully taught some of us that enough is enough and that our professors mut be held accountable in their collusion to reinforce white dominant fcrnale and male ways of knowing, because in the cautionary words of

;\udrc I.ordc, ive soon understand that our silence will not protect us. For this

rcason, wc must defiandv and intensely long for ourselves in our educational

cspcricncc, but more important, instead of reinvenung the pencil, as it were, we must

consider uws of using a new pencil altogether. As Charumbira (1999) encourages

and insists,

WC, therefore, do not need to always "deconstruct" Western Consmcts as we crente our own, instead, our energies are to be turned toward the healing of Our traumaazed African psyches as wve create grounded knowledge with, for and u-ithin Our societies. We need to articulate our own theories from our socio-cultural locations in a way that represents knowledge, creation, production, and reproduction as experienced and lived by our African communities. (p. 29) ConcIudhg Section

To heal ourselves from the gashes that our Black intellect suffers in white academia, we must becorne intensely familiar with works that speak to, for, and about our realities. In light of the culture and project of white academia, we must insist on a trnnsgressive and oppositional standpoint chat will guide us toward a direction that n1lou.s a rencwal and celcbration of our Black memory and ourselves.

Therefore, in the spint of refusing imitative intellectuality, the rest of this chaptcr, and thesis, works toward that direction by presenting a collage of Black u-omcn's hcritagc in Nova Scoua, through very bnef biographies and personal narratives of triumphs, strugg!es and pioneering accomplishrnents. In this historical and contcmporan. collage, we witness how the women asserted their agency through a lwing dcfiancc to definc their realities in ways that empowered them and allowed thcm to work communally to uplift their communities. Irnbued with social and political commentaries from the individual women, we can get a sense of cheir his torical cspcricnces and learn of the formidability of our ancestral spirits. In so doing, a site of mernon. is created, which crects a pillar of their legacy.

Some of these women may be familiar to some and to others, thev mav be iinknonm. In either case, reading their names and reading of their legacies will dow us to form our own vignettes of heritage moments, when we wonder about Black womcn's heritage in Canada. As the ade 'W'e're Rooted Here and They Can't Puil Us

Cp' of Bnstow, Brand, Cam., Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1994)'s work teiis us, the hcritagc of Black women is rooted and while the dominant rendition of Canadian historv would like to rip their memory €rom Our psyches, naming them prevents that and allows us to reconnect with our heritage.

Part Three

"SM Can't PuU Us Up:" Roodng a Memory of BIack Women's Hen8tage

Mary hnn Shadd, Mary Bibb, Carrie Best, Daurene Lewis, Edith Clayton,

Portia \X'hite, Marie Hamilton, Rose Fortune, Viola Desmond, Sylvia Hamilton.

Thcsc narncs among man. ochers reflect the legacy of Black women's activism in

Nova Scoua and thcir mcmories are anchored in such works as rlfrict-ille

Gcncaloçical Society (1 Oz), Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scoaa (1 99 1, 1990,

198-), Thornhill (1 989), Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1 994),

Braithwaite & Benn-Ireland (1 993), D'Oylely & Braithwaite (1 973), Ffrench (1994a,

1 W-lb), Graham & Stevenson (1993), Hamilton (1999,1994,1993,1982), Sadlier

(1994). Black (1 992), and Braithwaite (no year). These works share a common

objective in the celebraûon of Black women's pioneering accomplishments and

tnumphs in the di ver si^ of their evervdav*. Living. If one ever wondered about Black

agncr, one need onlv look at the proud faces and mernorable life accounts

that Face the pages, leaving an indelible message of the courage of Black women to

boldlr ma ke in-roads where messages of 'No Coloureds" and "Slave Auction"

abound about. I was inspired by the above noted authors to use a row-cd format to present brief biogaphical narratives of selected women in the hopes of rooting their names and legacies in memory; a format 1 believe is effective for a cornparison and apprcciation of the richness and diversity of their tives. In addition, I do not present an csccnsive historical biographical narrative, as the scope of this work restricts such an undertaking, however, one does get a sense of history through the women's words and dcscripuon of events. Aspects of these women's Lives are inserted because as 1 came to lcnrn of their existence, 1 imagined that their triumphant struggles would be morc than firting among the celebrated Canadians on the aforementioned Canadian

Fledqr .Llirrutes project. I imagined a production of vignettes that would encapsulate thcir lcgacics and make for an informative and educational tool. More important, is thc hct that about a \car ago these women's names and Life accounts werc Çorcign to mc but haw now become familiar through a search of my hentage.

Below, brie f autobiographicnl narratives are presented as sites of memory in uhich Black women's legacies are resurrected to orient us toward Our heritage so that wc ma\- bc mobiliscd toward change, empowerment, and affirmation in Our present

da^ realities.

I. CaLlrng Out Our Names

Marie Joseph Angelique

Marie Joseph Angelique was a Black fernale slave who Lived in 18th century

Montreal and her unhown legacy is her resistance to the slavish conditions under which she lived, according to Aha Cooper (from a dialogue with Makeda Silvera and

Dionnc Brand, recorded in Silvera, 1994). In Silvera (1994),Cooper States that when

Anglique heard she was to be auctioned off, she resisted by setting fire to her white mistrcss's house, which led to the rest of the cicy buming down. hngelique was cvcntuallv caught and tried by the court, following which she was hanged and later burnt to the ground. hccordmgly, this teLing event in Canada's history is not in the historical records, especially considering that Montreal was the most important ci? in the Canadian colonies dunng that period.

Rose Fortune

For a Black woman, born in 1774, whose parents kved as slaves in

.\nnapolis \'allev of Nova Scotia (Braithwaite & Benn-Ireland, 1993), the following

rctcrcncc to Rosc Fortune's life calls for a pause of reflecaon: "Long before the

kminist movcment in Canada, a Black woman Rose Fortune, calmlv invaded the

male world and \vas policewoman and "baggage smasher" in Annapolis Royal, a

senport town in the hnnapolis Vallev of Nova Scotia" (Braithwaite & Benn-Ireland,

1903, p. 23). hnother rcference reads: "Long before the question of votes for

uomcn, iinnapolis Royal had its emancipated woman. It boasted the first

policcwoman and 'baggage smasher' on the continent" (D'Ovlev. . & Braithwaite, 1973,

no page number).

To appreciate the utle of "emancipated woman," and the belabouring efforts

of kceping order on the wharf, where she eamed the title of policewoman, one has to imagine the husde and bustle activities of the seaport: "Annapolis Royal was a bustling seaport town, and ships in great nurnbers sded at high tide through the

Digbv Gut, up the Annapolis Basin River to discharge their cargo from Boston, St.

John and more distant ports" (D'Oylep & Braithwaite, 1973, no page nurnber).

D'Ovlev. - & Braithwaite (1973) inform that with Fortune's wheelbarrow, "[dlay and night, cven as an old woman, she trudged to and fro, benveen the hotel and wharf, sturdilv pushing loads of trunks, boxes and carpet bags" (no page nurnber). In addition to transporûng luggage, she had the task of walking with people of imporrancc to thc dock to ensure they caught their boats on time, according to

Ffrcnch (1 9944.

Fortune cstablished her own transport business in 1825 and her enterprising spirit lii*cdon when the transport company, the Lewis Transfer Company, was cstablishcd in 1841 bv her progenies (D'Oyley & Braithwaite, 1973). "Lewis" was the namc of the familr that Fortune's ganddaughter married into. In 1965, the company

\ns sold to n white Nova Scouan with thc condition that the family name "Lewis," rcmains in the company's name (D'Ovlev. . & Braithwaite, 1973, no page numbrr).

Thc cornpmv remained the only transport company in Annapoiis Royal, nt least up und 1 973 whcn the seapon was no longer as active (D'Ovlev. , Sc Braithmite, 1973).

Thc site of memon. that keeps Fortune's heritage alive is that of the national park at hnnapolis Roval, which is a tourist attraction for visitors who go to see Fort

:\me; the Port Rord established in 1604 (D'Oyley & Braithwaire, 1773). Upon visi ting this site, tourists have the opportunity to leam of Rose Fortune activities on the wharf.

Mary Aiin Shadd

Proii)~&dFreeman, the weekly abolition newspaper of the 1850s, anchors the

memon of Man. Ann Shadd. Shadd was born in 1823 and arrived in Chatham,

Ontano in the rnid- 1800s through the Underground Railroad. Her fame comes from

bcing thc first woman, not just Black woman, but first woman in Canada, and North

:\mcrica to cstablish, publish and edit a newspaper (Bristow, Brand, Carty, Cooper,

Fiamilton, & Shadd, 1994). Advocating for antislavery, wornen's rights, creating an

niarçncss of suffraçist rncetings in Canada, were the focus of Shadd's writing. She

[vas also a [cacher.

Bristow (1994) informs that Shadd "publicly chdenged her Black sisters ro

carn on the struçgle against racism, sexism, and classism, in the tradition of Maria

Stcwm, who dccades eariier had lecturcd on racism and sexism in the United States"

(p. 69). In thc June 30, 1855 issue of her newspaper, the following ercerpt fiom

Shadd's newspaper reflected this challenge and summons to Black women to Libernte

cach other through the written word:

To colored LVomen we have a word - we have broken the 'Editoriai Ice' whtithcr willinglv or not for your class in hmerica, so go to editing as many of !-ou who are wvilling and able as soon as pumay, if you thnk ouare ready. (Mary hnn Shadd qtd. from Bristow, 1994, p. 69) Though popularly known for her newspaper, Braithwaite & Benn-Ireland (1 993) add that she was a pioneer in other areas such as one of the first femde public lecrurers and the first female law student at Howard University in the United States.

The danger of Black women being written out of Canadian history, is a point that Bristow, Brand, Ca., Cooper, Hamilton, & Shadd (1994) demand that we rcflcct upon when they infonn that Shadd's accomplishments as editor and journalist arc minimiscd in records of Canadian Women's history. Specifically in the 1988 text,

Canadian Women: A History, Cora Hinds is noted as the first female journalist in

Canada, for hcr work at the Winnipeg Free Press, in 1881, accordmg to Bristow et al.

(1994). Rccalling that the Provincial Freeman began circulation in the l85Os, this stark ovcrsight is a warning that should we fail to record our history, it shall be done for us b~ thosc who wodd have us written out of it completely.

Carrie M. Best

Follou-ing in the same editorial and journalistic tradition as hhry hnn Shadd, wns Carric M. Best. Born on March 4, 1903, in New Glasgow, Nova Scotia, Best was tlic foundcr of the first Black newspaper in Nova Scotia, The Cfutiotz, which began circulation around June 1947. The newspaper addressed the concerns of Black communicics in Nova Scotia bv being "the voice of coloured Nova Scotians for promoung interracial understanding and goodwill" (D'Ovlelv-. & Braithwaite, 1973, no page numbcr) as well as highlighting the vibrant and active communin. of Black

people in Canada. In other print material and newspapers, such as the Pictou .~Idlwate,the Xova Scolia Gleaner, and the Halifax Hertzid, Best's wriung could be found advocating on behalf of Black people (Sadlier, 1994). Sadlier (1994) echoes the sipificance of Best's journalistic writing, staang:

Csually, at that tirne, the only way Blacks could get their names in the newspaper was when they were identified by narne and colour in a reported crime. Through her investigative reporting, she was able to change this so thac therc was more balanced coverage of the activities of Blacks. (Sadlier, 1994, p. 28)

Best's dedication to community betterment has been recognised in the awards shc has received. In 1973, Best received the National Black Award for her commitment to the betterment of the Black communiw and overall Canadian community, according to D'OyIely & Braithwaite (1973). hlso, she was the first pcrson to bc awardcd the Llovd Mclnnes Memorial Award by the Lieutenant

Go\-crnor of Nova Scoua in 1970, "for the purpose of honouring perçons who have

mndc sipificant contribution to social betterrnent" (D'Ovlelv- d & Braithwaite, 1973,

no page numbcr). On Mav 11, 1975, Best received an Honorary Doctorate of Law

from Saint Francis Xavier üniversi~in Nova Scotia, and was assigned the title of

Officcr of thc Ordcr of Canada on December 17, 1979, a further progression from

hcr previous assignment of Member of the Order of Canada (Sadlier, 1994).

In honour of the activism that Best and her family embodied, a collection of

Hlack nuthored books, named the "Came Best Mobile Libraq" was estabiished in

(Ittawa. In addition, the Aben T. Best Memorial Park in Priestviiie, New Glasgow

11-3s erccted in honour of her husband, Aibert T. Best. According to D'Oylely &

Braithwaite (1 973, Best donated nvelve acres of land to the province of Nova Scotia for the park, which would "provide a quiet corner for the elderly, and a safe play area

for children" (D'Oylely & Braithwaite, 1973, no page number).

Best also dabbled in radio prograrnrning and was producer and narrator of her own show, "The Quiet Corner," in which her love for poeq was shared with

listcncrs (Sadlier, 1994). Her show was heard on five radio stations in the province of

Nova Scotia, making her a well-known radio personality throughout the Maritimes.

Sadlicr (1994) describes Best as "having made a difference because she helped

to put the needs and concerns, the trials and uiumphs, of ail peoples in the open

uehcrc the issucs could best be identified or reformed" (p. 32). Furthemore, she was

"a fiahter.. .pided by her values" (Sadiier, 1994, p. 32) and her autobiography, Best

(1 9y7), chronicles her fighting spirit to establish her newspaper, to assert the agency

of Black pcoplc in Canada, and to affirm her identicy as a Black woman. She States:

Ln my search for an identity I believed that a study of Black History would be of assistance and after the age of sis. I began to learn that which 1 fek should hwc bccn taught during m): school Fan... . From the columns written, 1 cm open the gates of memory and review briefly some of the pleasures and the pain of a journe): down a lonesome road into identity. Pest, 1977, p. 30)

I-Icr autobiography reads as a personai diary with dates linked to events

rnarking change and resistance, alongside pictures of accomplished individuals in the

Black cornrnunity, who had surmounted barriers to achieve their goals. Best carefully

sclccts for hcr autobiography some of her columns from the Pinoil Ad~focate,which

rcvcal the catalvtic effect her writing had on initiating change in Pictou Counn..

Offering words of encouragement to others that desire to follow in such trailblazing

paths, Best writes: 1 leave as my legacy to those who are beginning the journey, the carpels dropped dong the way. To the young who may read this autobiography 1 bequeath this final withdrawd from my memory account, msting that their iourney will be less hazardous than mine. Pest, 1977, p. 257)

Portia White

In the Dalhousie University Centre for Performing Arts, one can find a plaque commemorating the life of PO& White in the lobby area. 1 recail with fondness how plcasantly shocked I was to see that the face on the plaque was that of a Black womîn. 1 rcad the inscriprion below, quietly moved on, and forgot her name.

:\bout a ycar later, in its local news segment, the Maritime Global Television sratiun profilcd a recipient of the PO& White Prize, which was administered by the

Nora Scotia Arts Council, in the amount of $25,000. To emphasise the significance of rccciiing such an acclaimed prix, Portia White was described as a Black woman whom had brokcn ground as a worid renowned Canadian Contralto in the field of

Opcra Music. It was only nt the end of the segment that 1 realised that this \vas the same u-oman whose memory was anchored on the plaque in the Dalhousie University

Ccnrrc for Performing Arts. On sharing this experience with a close friend, she passcd on a pamphlet that offered a synopsis of Ponia White's life, and told of the cstablishmcnt of the coveted prize. The pamphlet read, "This prix is named for

Portiia White, a Nova Scoaa amst who rose through adversity to achieve international

acclaim as a classical singer on the great stages of Europe and North America." 1 sharc this experience because it shaped my thoughts about what provokes one to know, to search for knowledge, and wondering about the role that sites of mcmon play in nudging one towards a desire to know. These thoughts were particularl~crucial to me as a newcomer to Nova Scotia. This experience led me to scarch for rarious sites of memory that would lcad to knowledge of the Black hcritage in Nova Scotia.

Portia White was born on June 24, 191 1, in Truro, Nova Scotia. White moved to Hali fas followving the appointment of her weii-known father, WiUiam hndrew b'hitc, as a Baptist minister of the Cornwallis Street Baptisr Church in Haiifax. Her mothcr's namc \vas hie Dora White (her own familv's name was White). White's fnthcr irnmigated to Canada frorn Virginia (D'Ovlev. & Braithwaite, 1973).

:in cstensive list of White's accolades and musical appearances, al1 locally, nauonally and globally, are outlined in D'Oyley & Braithwaite (1973) but her arduous c ftorts n) bccome such an esceptional world-renowned singer are equallv noted.

\Ybitc's hnrd work was necessanr becnuse her parents could not afford voice lessons for hcr. Upon completing high school at the age of seventeen, she decided to bccomc P priman school tencher in order to pav for her voice lessons. D'Orley. . &

Braithwaitc illustrate the perseverance White embodied, noting that the distance to her school ac Lucasville was eighteen miles from the Halifav City, where she resided.

K'hitc also had to waik three miles twice a week to get to the train that would take her to thc ci? for her voice lessons. The challenguig weather of the Maritimes can aid one's imagination of the nature of these walks and the determination to make it to the end. LVhite was also a schoolteacher in Afriwiiie.

Some of the accolades White received in Canada are notable. For example, the pride that White's success evoked nationely was demonstrated when the

Canadian Broadcasting Corporation chose to incorporate White's life into its radio show series, Prud Pos~ersions(D'Ovley . - & Braithwaite, 1973). This feature senes profilcd Canadians of outstanding ment, quite Like the current Canadian Henlage

.\limte~project. Furthermore, in 1945, the Canadian National Film Board selected

Khitc for an appearance in the film "This is Canada." This film was used as an cducationai tool in Canadian public schools and was dso disvibuted by the govcrnmcnc throughout the United Nations. In the 1991 Encyclopaedia of Music in

Canada, \\;'hite's musical accomplishments are noted. Throughout ber career, she was ycnerally rekrred to as "the Marian Anderson of Canada." Born on February 27, lS97, in Philadelphia, Marian Anderson was a Black woman who was dso well- knonn contralto singer. For an interesring read of her musical career, which is dcscribcd as "the product of personal, familial, and communal determination and hith" (h ttn: / /uw~v.libran~.uocnn.edu/s~ccial/~allcrv/anderson/indel.html).

il Portia White Trust fund was estabiished to support White's studies and carcer and more notable, is the fact chat she was the first Canadian singer to be sponsored by her government, in this case the Government of Nova Scotia (D'Oyley

K: Braithuaite, 1973). Foilowing White's suggestion, the mst fund became permanent under the direction of 'The Nova Scotia Talent Trust," which would aid 8 1 other aspiring singers. Towards the end of her career, she decided to coach oung singers.

Viola Desmond

Viola Dcsmond 7Qas born on Ji y 6, 1914, in Halifau, Nova Scoùa, and is oftcn referrcd to as the Rosa Parks of Canada (Sadlier, 1994). This is because

Dcsmond was instrumental in successfully challenging the racist sekvegated seating in

Roscland Theatre, of New Glasgow, and consequently in other similar theatres in

Nova Scotia and the rest of Canada.

Thc unprecedented event in the history of Canada's legal system began in

1946 whcn Desmond was on her way ro a business trip (Boyko, 1995; Sadlier, 1994). on route, shc beLganto csperience car problems and so took in her car to the rnechanic. To while away the urne as her car was being fixed, Desmond decided to takc in a movie. Unknown to her, the theatre that Desmond walked into, the

Roscland Theatre, was a segregated theatre. This meant that Black patrons were ordercd to sir on the balcony while the white patrons sat on the main floor, at a slightly higher price. Desmond walked ont0 the main floor of the theatre to get a scnt and soon aftenvards, she was asked to move to the balcony section where the

Black patrons were supposed to sir. Afier realising that she was in a segregated movic theatre, she refused ro move. Desrnond insisted on rcmaining on the main tiour bv. panng. the ciifference in ticket price, that is the difierence benveen the balcony and main floor seats. Of course, this was not accepted and soon aftenvards, shc was arrested.

Upon her arrest, Desmond was not dowed any legal consultation and was fincd $25 and court fees (Sadlier, 1994). Sadlier (1994) inforrns, 'Viola had been convicted of defrauding the government of Nova Scoua the tax difference benveen the cost of a main floor and a balcony seat, representing a total of 19cents" (p. 53).

According ro Bovko (1995), this incident ignited protest from the Black community as thcy worked toward ending the segregated seaang in movie theacres chroughout thc province. The Nova Scoua Association for the Advancement of Coloured

Pcople took Dcsmond's case to the Nova Scotia court system and Supreme Court; a movc that \vas spearheaded by Dr. William Pearly Oliver. Through this mobilisation and protestation from various Black organisations in Nova Scotia, and the rest of

Canada, thc scgrepuon in movie theatres and segregation as a whole in Nova Scotia, cnmc to a halt in 1934 (Sadlier, 1994).

Rcmarking on the collective effort of the Black community in effecting a surge

of Icgislature, banning segregation throughout Canada, as a result of Desmond's case,

Dr. William Pearly Oliver stated, "Neither before nor since has there been such an

ag,~~cssiveeffort to obtain rights. The people arose and with one voice.. ..It is my

conviction that much of the positive action that has since taken place stemaed from

this [incident]" (quoted in Boyko, 1995, p. 165). Evangeline Cain-Grant

James Robinson Johnston, bom in 1876, in Nova Scotia, is commemorated in

a bookmark that celebrates his life as the tirst Black male Nova Scotian to graduate

from Dalhousie University's Law school. It is a pleasure to add to this legay,

Evangeline Cain-Grant, the first Black woman from the communiq of North Preston

ro graduate from Dalhousie University's Law school.

In Saunder's (1 999) article "North Preston laver breaking down bamers,

darcd August 21, 1994" the Chairwornan of the Parent-Student Association of

Prcstnn (PSAP), Madeline Downev, remarks on Cain-Grant's accomplishment as one

that "symbolizes the breaking down of barriers for black women in Nova Scotia" (p.

9).Saundcrs shares that Cain-Grant's decision to go to law school was influenced

by thc racially charged incident that took place at the Cole Harbour District High

School, Halifax, in 1989. This stemmed frorn the tension that existed among the

Black studcnts and white students nt the high school (Pachai, 1990) and consequentiy,

2 fight cnsucd amonç a group of students. The problem escalated when only nvo

Ulack malc vouth werc Aorosecuted for being involved in the fight. Black communin.

mcmbcrs in Nova Scotia and the rest of Canada protested the racism in the

cducational and court system (Pachai, 1997), causing the case to be dragged in the

court svstem. This lasted for ycars until the provincial court srstem convicted the

voung men.

This incident forced Cain-Grant to form the PSAP organisation and become

its president. The entire episode taught Cain-Grant an invaluable lesson about the workings of the iegal systern, and that is, "The law has been one of the most oppressive tools used against us. But it's a tool we can use to help ourseives as a communin. once we understand it" (Saunders, 1999, p. 169).

Cain-Grant's sentiments are not far from those on her expenence at the Law

School. Shc statcd:

1 found it chdenging, but not surprising. 1 had to conform to the dominant systern without losing myself at the same urne. Through it ali, 1 realized that 1 had to find a way of including my communicy's perspecuve and reaiity while 1 was learning the dominant community's perspective. (Saunders, 1999, p. 168)

Furthcrmorc,

Somc of them [professors and students] had negative attitudes and stereotypes about black people. 1coped by remaining silent most of the time. 1 had my own agenda, and wasn't going to let their attitudes stand in my way. Ir cost mc in terms of pain and heartache to allow racist attitudes to flourish. But 1 didn't havc the time and energy to finish law school and change people's atùtudcs. (Saunders, 1999, p. 168-169)

Cain-Grant currentiv runs her own legal practice here in Halifax, and pleased of hcr trailblazing path, she States, "I'm happy to be recognized as the first Iawyer

[rom North Preston - the first of many more to corne" (Saunders, 1999, p. 169).

II. SMCallrRg Out.

Thc seeminglv ordinaw life accounts of people whom had led anything but ordinan livcs, were the people whose life accounts 1 longed for; people who might be labcillcd as "no-names," not part of the academic celebrin. discourse where the act of name-dropping flourishes. 1was delighted when I came across the Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia's publication of a two-volume collection of persona1 narratives. 1 discovered a gem.

This collection contains narratives of Black Nova Scotian wornen and men, born benveen the years 1888 and 1920. Some birth dates are absent but their faces, locatcd at the bcginning of their individual narratives, match the weight and long mcmorics of their words. Their memories narrate their experiences growing up during thosc trying years in Nova Scoaa's history of colonialism and slavery; years fraught with a ncist atmosphere that denied Black people loving subjectiviues. In thcir tighting words of perseverance, gems of wisdom, humour and defiance Lingered unrmlv in my memon, as 1 laughed, smiled and shed tears while being regaled with thcir narratives.

Sul1 usina the row-cal1 format, 1 have inserted a few of the women's narratives to gîvc one an idea of the richness of this collection and here in their memories, WC rcmcmbcr that we never walk alone but alongside Our ancestral spirits.

Florence Diggs

Florence Diggs was born in East Preston, Nova Scotia and is mostly

rcmembercd in her communinr as an entrepreneur who owned and opernted a h~occn.storc for fom-three vears. Diggs anended the one-room Black school,

Partridgc River School. She completed her schooling up to grade ten, which was

typical of the limit of the grade levels in Black schools because of the racist education

svstem. Diçgs managed to raise a farnily and operate the grocey store ail those years. The store housed a post office for the community and operated benveen 9am and jpm, but Diggs decided to change the store's opening hour to 8am when she realised that many of the children in the comrnunity relied on her grocery store. Raising a hm ly and operaung store on her own for all those years, Diggs reflects on her

. - . . bravcn. and enterpnsing sptnt:

1 remember when 1 was busy, the thought never, crossed my mind how dangerous it was by myself. 1 never got broken in or held up in al1 those !cars.. .I dealt with many [cusromers] and 1was sure a brave girl then. 1 could have bcen hum 1 rernember one time in the winter. I had stocked up earlier that week. On Saturday a big Storm came and no one could get into the ci.. Evcrvone came to the store. We sat down and figured it up that night. it tdkdover nvo hundred dollars. It was quite n bit then. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scoaa, 1987, Vol. 1, p. 61)

In 1982, at the time of the interview, the grocery store was closed because

Digqs was espericncing eyesight problems. She States, "1 miss it now. The reason I closcd was bccause of my eyes. I think back now and rernember some tirne when I couldn't scc, hou I might have over-charged or undercharged" (Black Cultural Centre for Som Scotia, 1987, Vol. 1, p. 60). At the sarne time, she recalls with fondness the iov of cngaging in such an enterprise and notes that it was "a good way of making you indcpcndent and helpful to the community" (Black Cultural Centre for Nova

Scotia, 1987, Vol. 1, p. 60).

Mrs. Susanna Smith

Slrs. Smith is weil known as hIum Suzie. Born on March 10, 1883 in

C hcrrybrook, she was the oldest Living resident in the Halifav County. She lived to

102 years of açe. Her ancestors, her great grandparents, came to Nova Scoaa during the 1 775- 1783 American Revolution War, between the United States and Britain.

This was the urne when Black Loyalists from the United States, having fought on the

British's side, sought refuge in Canada after the war (Pachai, 1990).

Hcr dailv source of sustenance is described as follows, from a 1986 television

Shc would get up before dawn, harness her horse and wagon and be off to Darrnouth to catch the ferrv to Haiif'. Here she sold blueberries, vegetables and firewood which her huiband had chopped. Life was hard but interestkg. Shc bore nineteen children, of whom six were alive in 1786.. .. She had her share of ups and downs and recails some of these misfortunes: her husband taking ill; her house burning down. (qtd. from Blaclc Cultural Centre for Nova Scoua, 1987, Vol. 1, p. 99)

hLum Suzic was unable to read and write in her early years as she remembers signing an S on her mamage certificate in 1904. From her devotion to a Christian liicstdc, howcver, she was determined to iearn how to read so she could read the

Biblc. Shc bas becn dubbed a "fascinating lady who was without peer in age in the black communin- of Nova Scotia" (Black Cultural Cenuc for Nova Scotia, 1787, Vol.

1, p. 1.hm Suie was feted at the Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia, on

Januan 18, 1986 and the Çoiiowing day was commemorated in an article in the i-Mi hs ncwspaper, The Chronicle Herald. It reads:

Her roots make the persona1 serenity and good humor Mum Sute esudes al1 the more remarkable. She has spent her life in a community which, as the local Baptist pastor observes, was largely ignored by successive provincial gwcrnments and by generations of the white Nova Scotian majority since the ancestors of present dav Prestonians, freed slaves, were settled on this unproductive land neariv rwo centuries ago. (qtd. in Black Culrural Centre for Nova Scotia, 1987, Vol. 1, p. 101) An interesting addition to Mum Suzie's narrative is that she was sometimes believed to be involved in witchcraft, according to Black Cultural Centre for Nova

Scotia (1 987), as this was the belief that people had about the elder women in the community. hIum Suzie shared that she was hated by some for this reason, but Black

Cultural Centre for Nova Scoaa (1987) is qui& to point out, "nothing of that haued sccms ro have lingered as Mrs. Smith, the mother of her community and even a great- gxat grandmother, sings olds hymns in her church, surrounded by her family and communin., the nvo terms seemingly synonymous" (p. 102).

Delores Chase

Dclorcs Chase was born on October 2, 1922 in Sydney, Nova Scotia. Her first job wns working at St. Rita's Hospital, where she worked for three years, in

:\ntigonish, near Cape Breton. During this tirne, Chase worked as an aide but

I.~aduallycarried out nuning duties, and from then was encouraged to go to nursing school in Ncw Waterford, Cape Breton where she obtained training as a Certified

N ursing ilssistant. She was funher encouraged to obtain her Registered Nursing

Diplomn br the Sisters at the hospital.

Commcnting on the encouragement that she received CO pursue her degree,

Chasc s tatcs:

. . .Sister Mary MacDonald was the one who encounged me to go back to college and get the esna courses that I needed to acquire my R.N., [Registered Nursing Degree] and if she hadn't have pushed as much as she did, I don't knoa if 1would have had the courage. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia, 1990, p. 28) 89

Furthermore, she narrates how she managed to muster up the courage to successfully obtain her degree:

Returning to school to acquire my registered nursing degree was quite an csperience. 1 look back on it now and I wonder where 1 had the nerve because 1 walked into that classroom that morning and there 1 was old enough to bc the mother of those girls in that classroom, and I thought, am I going to sic down here and learn and compete with diese girls.. .. 1 looked around and 1 was the only black person in that classroom, and 1 said puknow what Delores, there is no way that you are nor going to pass and have your people proud of rou, and 1 was determined that day that 1 was going to be amongst the first five in that class for the nert NIO years. .. . It meant a lot of hard work, it meant a lot of giving up of a lot of things that 1 wanted to do outside of school, but 1 could have never of done it without the help of my children. 1 Iind nvo children home at the urne, one was in grade eleven and one was grade nvelve, and thev said Mommy, we will help you and they did.. .. So, 1 didn't cnrn that degree bv. mvself,. it was the help of my other nvo children and their pridc in mysclf to accomplish what 1 did. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scoua, 1990, p. 28-29)

Rctlccting on her Me, and her accomplishments, Chase beautifully remarks,

"Oh, I rcmcmber them with such longings" (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia,

1990, p. 30)*

Cora Mac (Morris) Jackson

Ms. Jackson was born in 1902, in Boylston, Guysborough County. She was chc oldcsr of sis siblings and since she had to look after her siblings, she only completcd her education up to grade three. At the age of fourteen, she began u-orking for a white familu, as a cleaner. hIs. Jackson was mamed and had five childrcn. Of her efforts to provided food for her famiiy, hfs. Jackson stated:

1 mould chase a mile for porcupine.. .we's hunt for porcupine in July and Aupst then we'd burn the skin.. .. h lot of people would skin them but that's no good.. .then we'd peel the skin right off like a potato.. .take the insides out, put it in salt and water overnight. Then the next morning we'd let it boil, put ail seasoning and put it in the oven to bake. The tail was some good. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia, 1990, p. 57)

She reminisced about growing up and expenencing the horrors of racism at school, although she Çought back:

See I was the only coloured person from Birchtown.. .they use to give me a hard urne. . . they use to put white chalk al1 over my face and say 'Cora Mae Jackson we're going to make her white.' Yes, 1 knew 1 could beat them anyday.. .I had my mind made up.. . he came up.. . just when he had the shovel down, 1 nabbed him.. .I beat the boy something desperate.. .. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia, 1990, p. 57)

Ms. Jackson also espressed her concerns of the Justice system as she recaUed being sçntenccd to lail for defending her husband: "mhis boy was fighùng and struck my husband.. . so I just pulled the stake out and banged across his head.. . 1 did thirty dqs [jail scnrcncc] bccausc hc didn't bit me ousec.. .." (Black Cultural Ccntrc for

Nova Scotia, 1990, p. 57). Her fien spirit made it possible for her to assert her agcncy for she remained vocal about the racial injustices she witnessed and cspcricnccd.

Concluding Section

Inscrung the above narratives subverts the negation of our humanity that we arc rcgularly bombarded with in V~~OUSareas of Our lives. When we sit down in

Front of our television, we do not ofien see affirming reflections of ourselves. The media operates to obscure our realities therebv creating an image of Blackness that is dcbascd, distorted, and violent. This is why we relv on personal narratives, oral histories to capture ways of being, which will nourish us in a society tiat blatantly and aggressively denies that we love who we are and develop our desires and ambitions accordingly. When we hear of stories of Ioving defiance from the mouths of those whom are of Our own image, we connect with the memories of Our past.

Chapter Conclusion

At the core of this chapter is the notion that infusing one's memorv with information that helps to reconnect or reclaim one's sense of hentage is a necessary wcapon againsr the erasure of that heritage. Since memory is the repository of cultural svmbols, vaiues, events, personaiities, and knowledge overaii, Black memory accs as agcncr in provoking us to engage and seek out certain types of literature that

lcad to reclaiming and uncovering memories of Our heritage and ancesm.

Furthcrmnre, bccause memory is at the core of narrative discourse, narratives act as

crucial sites of memorv from which we cm draw out the necessary literature to infuse

our mcmon. banks.

The nsst nvo chapters continue in this tradition by presenting rnv interview

rcscarch with four Black women and their personal oral narratives. Chapter 4

In Their Own Breath: Burs~gOrgasmic Narratives (Pan One)

Yihn it was born, the mother held her newborn child close: She began then to lick it di over. The child whimpered a Little, but as the mother's tongue moved faster and stronger over its body. it grew dent - The mother nuning it dus way and that under her tonguc, und she had tongued it clan of the crmywhite substance covering its body. (Pkilip, 1989, p. 56)

Thc importance of evoking mernories of the past, in order to become rooted in the knowledge of a heritage that affirms ones' identity, was the focus of the preïious chapter. Sites of memory act as useful tools in orienting oneself towards that knowledgc, wherein untold esperiences and unspoken names are made visible.

The bricf nutobiographical narratives in the previous chapter acted as such sites of mcmon., whercin exercising Black memon? to bridge familiarity of names, words, cvcnts, and places provides a starting point from which one gains knowledge cf that hcritagc. Xccordinglv, this pleasure of knowing propels one towards a celebratory rchonouring and reconnection with one's ancesq.

This chapter and the nert continue in this celebratory spirit by presenting my narrative research with four Black women as anorher site of memory. In chapter nvo,

1 notcd the significance of oral narrative research in providmg the invaluable space for Black women to recall and reflect on their lived espenences. From these womcn's narratives we witness how articulations of fighting and loving words of

Blackness cmcrge to redefine and reassert their visibility and subjectivity; how in their uwrds and breath they negouate their everyday living in a society where oppressive mechanisms operate to dishonour and objectify their expenences as Black women. Onlv nvo narratives are presented in ths chapter while the other two foilow in chapter five.

Mapphg Out the Narratives

i. The Narrators

Thc four wornen who narrate some of their Lved experiences are bI;~uene

Prevost Shcphard, Joyce Ross, Linda-Lee Ktng, and myself. Ai chree women are

from Nova Scoüa, Canada, and 1 am from Nigeria.

Thc backgrounds of the women van.. Linda-Lee Ktng holds the position of

Blnck Student Advisor at the Black Student hdvising Centre, Dalhousie University

and has bcld that position for the past seven years. 1 met King during my hfasters

program nt Dalhousie University. 1 came to know Linda-Lee King from our

common location at Dalhousie Universitv. In her role as advisor, 1 regularly sought

hcr counscllinç services regardmg mv academic work. Mv supervisor, Wanda

Thomas Bernard, suggested the names of Masene Prevost Shephard and Joyce Ross

tu mc. hhscnc Prevost Shephard was described as a retired community activist;

houwcr, thcrc is no sign of retirement as Shephard continues to remain informed

and active in hcr community. Jovce Ross is popularly known as the Founder and

Dircctor of the East Preston Day Care Centre, and her work at the Centre has given

birth to various initiatives in her communin.. Ross hopes to retire soon frorn the

Centre. Lending to diversity in iived experiences, are our age differences. Ross is 61 vcars old; Shephard is 69 years old; King is 38 years old; and 1 am 28 years old. One might form a sense of generational continuity in the theoretical approaches that we cmplo~in the narratives, while negotiating our everyday Living as Black wornen.

,AS for mv location as one of the narrators in the narrative research, this dccision arose out of the need for me to express some thoughts about my cspcricnces while doing this work. It was a need to find a space to rant and rave without anv thought as to mv language choice or my honest feelings about the wnung proccss of this work. In addition, my location stems from that ofa Black woman in acadcmia, whose longing for a sense of cornmunity and affirmation, was nurtured through thc narratives of the three remnrkable women, King, Shephard, and Ross. 1 am vcn. pateful for their willingness to talk to me, for the lengthy hours they put asidc for mc, hours that lasted past rnidnight, and for letting me into the privacy of thcir inumate thoughts and esperiences.

ii. Method of Selection

Finally, regardmg the selecuon of narrators for this work, 1 hdno set criteria csccpt that 1 wanted to talk to women who had not been profiled publicly as activists. i wanted to talk to women who mav not have termed themselves as activists and yet cmbodied the spirit of communin?othermothers in working toward resistance and changc in various semngs; be it in their home, at their workplace, in the church or in the general Black cornrnunity. Having said that, I acknowledge that there are class differences uithin the BIack cornrnunity, however, 1 did not make the issue of class a primary consideration in seeking community othermothers because mv main focus iras in esploring the diversity of comrnunity othermothering acuvities. No doubt

that the issue of class wili be an interesung Çrarnework for future narrative research in

thc lives of communitv othermothers.

iü. Interview Guide (see Appendix B)

Thc interview guide was designed in an open-ended conversational style, with

qucs tions t hat focused on self-de finition, comrnunitv meanings, and perceptions of

activism. To understand how we defined ourselves through an undcrstanding of

communin-, mernories of childhood experiences were first narated. This served to

show how onc's upbtinging forms self-definitions and definitions of Blackness.

In posing the question, 'Whar does the term "acuvist" mean to you?" and

"\K70uld \.ou consider ourself an activist?" 1 wanted to get a sense of whether ther

\i-ould situatc themselves within the tradition of cornmunity othermothering, as I did.

\i;'har was intcresung was that the women did not necessarilv view themselves as

activists, althouçh thev acknowledged their involvement in communicv betterrnent.

Givcn the nature of the narrative questions, and the conversational sn.Ie of

pcrsonal narratives, the women7sresponses were descriptive in length and contained

cnough meaninç and knowledge on their own. Hence, 1 often struggled with the

dccision to cdir as Little as possible, to avoid disrupting the women's words and ease

uith u-hich the- read across the page and conveyed their realities and understandings of the world. AÇter much deliberauon, I decided that the strong emotions evoked and the narrated li fe experiences, which necessarily informed their Li fc theorising, demanded that some of the narratives be quoted at length. This, I believed, would engage the rcader by capturing some of the warmth and pain 1 Çelt in the women's homes as thev theorised in living moments of laughter, loving ways of being, and painful rsflections.

In the tradition of a feminist methodology that advocates reciprocity and intcraction in the interview process (Roberts, 1981; Lather, 1991; Stanley & Wise,

1093). one of the questions provided an opportunity for the women to ask me qucsuons of their own. In this act of interview reciprocity, I esperienced a level of vulncrabilin. that madc me appreciate the kindness in which the women shared

inumatc aspects of their Lives, while reliving certain mernories. The responses to the

liist question, "\Vhat would vou recommend be done with this work upon

complction?' is inserted in chapter seven, the last chapter of this work.

iv. Making Connections as a Reader

Thc four personal narratives that follow in the nest two chapters are

prcscnted in a war that providrs a context for the reader CO understand some of the

u-omen's life choices, as informed bv their identitv as Black women. Especiaily

highlighted are the diverse roles that the wornen plav as cornrnuniry othermothers, as

rootcd in a philosophy of community bettement. The extensive and detailed

intenicw manscripts made this task of organising the informaaon a chailenging one, as even word, everv pause, and every breath was as moving, witty, and illuminating as

the next one. Nevenheless, the selected topic headings for each section act as a guideline for making connections and for gdining insight into the diverse lived

csperiences, which is why some of the topic headings differ in the individual

narrauves.

The reader is left to draw hcr or his own meaning while 1 mediate the

narratives with brief commentaries. The narratives are presented with minimal

cditing. 1 made this choice so that the voices and words of the women remain in

thcir orignal form to give the reader a feeling of being there with the wornen as they

spokc of their lived experiences. Editing the narratives would have been an

imposition of mv own choice of language and words and would have run counter to

mv insistcncc on the women speaking for themselves.

I also urge the reader to consider how the women's responses to the interview

guide qucsuons and their revealed Life choices, demonstrate how the women are

thcorists of change and agents of knowledge. I suggest the following statements as a

uscful guide in mnking the connection as to whar it means to theorise frorn

cspcricnce and knowlcdge and what it means to create Liberatonr and transformative

[Pleople of color plack people, African people] have dways theorized - but in forms quite different from the Western form of abstract logic.. .theorizing (and I intentionallr use the verb rather than the noun) is ofien in narrative fortns, in the stories we create.. .[in] dynamic rather than fixed ideas.. .How clse have we managed to survive with such spiritedness the assault on our bodies, social institutions, countries, Our veq humanity? And women, at least the women I grew up around, continuously speculated about the nature of life through pithv language that unmasked the power relations of their world.. .. Sly folk, in other words, have always been a race for theory .. . . (Christian, 1990, p. 136)

In addition,

Personal tesumony, personal experience, is such fertile ground for the production of Liberatory feminist theory because it usuaily forms the base of our theon. making. While we work to resolve those issues that are most pressing in daily iife (our need for Literacy, an end to violence against women and children, women's health and reproductive rights, and sexual freedom, to name a few), we engage in a critical process of theorizing that enables and cmpowers. (hooks, 1994, p. 70)

Finallr, in the importance of realising that these narratives are sites of theory and knowlcdçe, wc must remember that

What is considered theory in the dominant academic community is not nccessarily what counts as theory for women-of-color [Black women, hfiican worncn, Colourful wornen]. Theory produces effects that change people and the wav thcv perceive the world.. .. WTeneed theones that csamine the implications of situations and look at what's behind them. And we need to find practical application for those theories. We need to de-academize theory and to connect the community to academy. "High" theory does not uanslate wcll whcn one's intention is to communicate to masses of people made up of difkrent audiences. We need to give up the notion that there is a "correct" waï to writc theor'. (Anzaldua, 1990, p. xsv-nvi; original ernphasis)

ConcIuding Section

Morc important, these four personal oral narratives do not purport to be rcprcscntauve of al1 the esperiences of Black women in Nova Scotian. Radier they arc cspcriences we can connect to and seek wisdom from in Our shared histoncal location as Black women (as noted in chapter one). Ther also dowus to share in thcir "journev from internalized oppression to the "free mind" of a self-defined, Mrocenuic feminist consciorisness" (Collins, 1991, p. 104). It shodd be noted that 1 do not present a detailed historical account of Black Nova Scotian women's

esperiences in the narratives. The women, however, present the historical contert in

thcir narratives, which give us a basis for historical analvsis and understanding.

F.ssentially, in thcir own words, they act as histoncal agents and subjecrs. First Narrative

Maxene Prevost Shephard

"1am proud of who 1 am and 1 do know that we have a grrot deal to give to the community. 1 have. I am not working. 1 can reach out and do a number of things befoce my life ends."

Masene Prevost Shephard was born in Newport, about 40 miles from Halifax,

Nova Scocia, in 1931. She grew up in a large and close farnily of 17 children; four of the children died at birth or shortly aftenvards. Mer high school, Shephard married

Edward Shephard and moved to Truro, Nova Scoua. They have three children, one of whom is ndopted.

Shcphard and her husband moved from Nova Scotia to Montreal, Quebec bccausc hcr husband got a job at Canadian National Railway (CNR) in Montreal.

During the winter seasons, thev both returned to Nova Scotia, as that was the slowest pcriod for CNR uiorken. Mer four years of communng back and forth from Nova

Scotia to Quebec, Shephard and husband decided to settle down in Montreal. She

\vas also working dunng this urne and so wvith both incomes, she and her husband managed to Save enough monev to purchase a home in Montreal. Shephard noted tlic unccrninty of their future in Montreai when she described the nvo of hem as

"two fairly immature people" because at the urne of their move, she was 18 years old

2nd hc usas 22 rears old. iU1 the same, in her view, 'We got off to a pretty good start.

You know, we did not have a lot of cash, but we had a lot of love and we had a lot of ambition." Shephard added that another factor in her decision to move to Montreal was the racism she experienced growing up in Nova Scotia. In Our narrative sessions, she alwavs referred to Nova Scotia as 'Little Rock Arkansas" and she explains why:

...[W]e decided that we wcre going to lave Little Rock. Nova Scotia. 1 still think of Nova Scotia as Little Rock. I'm sure there are people that will be insulted. They always say that thereosthe United States and there's the Southern United States and then theregsMississippi. Now Mississippi's supposed to be about the worst you can get. So 1 could have chosen to Say Mississippi, but for sorne strange reason. this is such a rocky area here in the Halifax arca. that 1 always thought of Halifax being 'Little Rock Arkansas." Not a bit more enlightened, racist. cold. unwelcoming. niat's not a nice place to be... but 1 was going to live in Montreal. For me, it was the land of the free, and the home of the brave, even though the English and the French were sworn enemia (laughs). 1 always felt that if they were so busy hating each other, they wouldn't notice 1 was thtrt.

To hcr disappointment, her presence, her identity as a Black woman, was noticed whcn shc movcd to Montreal. It was then that she redised that racism had no boundaries in Canada; that the racism she experienced in Nova Scotia was not rcsttictcd to that geography.

And so when you finally analyse thue things, and you are able to establish some type of picture in your mind you begin to ratlise that whether you are here or there, the problern [racism] exists, and that's when 1 was oble to corne back home. But when 1 did arrive back home. 1 felt that things were going to be different. But things werenOtawfully different. Many many positive changes had corne about. and 1was delighted to sec those positive changes. however. the province was just as racist as it could be. And no las so, and no more so than Quebec. which 1 thought was going ta be my utopia.

.-Mer living in hlontred for 25 pears, Shephard and her husband moved back to Halifas; a decision that was made primarily because they had to renirn to look after thcir ngcing parents. i. Remembe~gher Parents

Shephard's father grew up as a foster-child. He moved from foster home to

foster home and eventualiy resided in a permanent home unal he was of age. At the age of 12, he started to work and throughout his life he worked in the mines, rnanaged a large farm, chopped wood for sale, and on the weekends worked as a

barber. With his savings, he was able to A~urchase enoueh a land to ~rovideL the

ncccssary sccurity for his farnily.

S hephard's mother s hared somewhat of a similar background in terms of

growing up without her parents. She was born in Malden, Massachusetts. At the age

of nvo hcr fathcr died and six months later, her mother died. Because of this tragedy,

her mother's mother felt she should live with her aunt and her family. Unfomnately,

shc ciid not have the chance to live with her aunt given their racial politics. Her aunt

and husband werc light complesioned enough to pass as white people, and so they

dccided ta cross the colour line with their child. Shephard stated that while her

mothcr was light complexioned, her aunt felt she was not light enough to go dong

with thcm and so her mother was left under her grandmother's care.

Bcfore her grandmother passed away, she asked sorne fiends of hers living in

Nova Scotia, if they would adopt her granddaughter. They agreed to and that was

how Shcphard's mother ended up in Nova Scotia. She never remrned to

hlassachusctts.

hgin, noting the racial politics at the àme, Shephard sadlg recded that her

mother \vas not treated well by her foster mother. She paraded her as a "little white princess" because her father was from Northern Ireland. At night-tirne, she would wake her up and spank her for any wrong doing she had committed during the day and send her back to bed. These experiences made it difficult for Shephard's mother to talk about adoptions and orphanages, as the topic was a painful reminder of her own circurnstances, of having to leave her farnilv in Massachuserts:

She realised. well, if a society has that type of social system that maku it necessary for people to deny their own race. their colour. their heritage, to cross into an environment that offers more opportunity, that in itseif must have been guite painful for her ... Having two parents [that is Shephard's Mum and Dad] being brought up in less thon the batof a family environment. they were really determined to try to turn out good citizens when it came to their children. My father worked very very hard.

11s Shephard reflects on her iife, she atuibutes her sense of moral agency and cornmitmcnt to communicv acuvism to her father. She States, "1 think if you were to ask me which woman made the most major impact on my life, I would have to Say rny mother, for her materna1 care, but my futher made the bigger impact on my iife." Shephard

~Icscribcshcr fathcr as a decent and honourable man who led a Christian life and was active in his community. She speaks with great pride of his love and determination to providc a solid home foundation for his familv arnidst the horrors of racism, and rccalls that thcir home was one of the few homes to have a radio and electriciy. ii. Childhood Mernories

"It's tirnes like these that you begin to realise that you are not acceptable mtmbers of society, from childhood to adulthood."

The abo staternent by Shephard characterised much of the discussion in her narratn-e, as she provided various enamples of the Little Rock Arkansas experiences shc had growing up in Nova Scotia, as weli as in Montreal. Given the racism she u-itnesscd growing up, Shephard's childhood conjures up mernories and experiences of pain as she realised very quicWy that she was living in a segregated society, and came to undcrstand the implications thereof. She illustrates:

You learned at a very early age that there were things that uisted in your society that you could not be a part of. At the time you understand that it's racism. You don't really understand it's bad or that there's something unhealthy about it. As you mature, as you grow up and you gain uperience, you began to realise that that which existed at that early period in your life, does indeed have an impact on your overall development as an adult. it leaves scars. Whereos at the time you weren't necessarily mature enough to recognise that that which was occurring was ... nios something that hud to change. You didn't feel like a Rosa Park or a Martin Luther King. 1 think that awareness is something that would evolve as you were exposed more and more to society. It's a very, very, very gradua1 thing... It was a very racist segregated society.

Part of her awareness of racism occurred when she realised that although she could play with the white kids on her sueet, she could not attend their schools or churches. She also became aware that there were certain things that her family

"could not be a part of' while living in Canada, a racist and segregated country.

Bcing dcnicd the freedom to live wherever they wanted to, was one of the signs that her family \vas not accepted because of their Black identity:

...[MJy father eventually moved into the city and then graducilly our family moved from the farm into Halifax. You recognised almost as soon as you arrived here that there were only certain streets that were open to Blacks. Ifyou were going to rat, you were going to rat in what we know to be a ghetto. The arawas red circle. You did not live other than in that area. This particular street in which we lived did have. 1 think, three fairly prominent families. You hod the Skiers that lived nut door, that is the homestead of Rev. Dr. Donald Skier. YOUhad a Fletcher family and of course, the Whitu. That Portia White, the operetta singer, also lived on that street. It was limited to maybc, 1 would say four to f ive [Black] farniliu at the utmost because here at North Street was the cut off line. To be perfectly frank, if you analyse who lived between Charles Street and North Street, 1am not sure that between those two streets you would find a Black perron. So thereforc, from Charles Street down off Gottingen Street, Maynard Street and Agricola Street and then of course further down you had what is called Maitland Street. Sec you had your Black families confined to that area.

Furrher analysis of the implications of the racist geographical confinement, is illustratcd in Shephard's recoilecuon of the urne her father was interested in purchasing a set of homes. The homes belonged to the estate of a white man who had passcd away. Shephard's father was able to purchase aiI but one of the homes bccausc of what was temed "a gentleman's agreement." This was an unwritren but clcarl~undcrstood agreement chat a white real estate agent would not sel1 any home to a Black pcrson in a designated white residenaal area. Therefore, her father was onlv allowcd to purchase the homes in the designated Black residential area.

Shcphard also adds that not onlv were they confined geographically, but that cconomicall!. the. were confined to certain positions in the emplovment sector:

Growing up in a segregated society we knew the jobs that were open to us were menial jobs. So therefore, if as a young woman you were going to go out to work, you could not go and be a salesgirl at the Metropolitan store or the Woolworth. You knew that you had to either work in the laundry, work as a maid in a hotel, or work as a family maid or as a charwoman, going into a different home each day. Therefore, you knew the opportunities weren't there. Somehow or other you're not able to... internalise... al I of these things. As Sliephard stated earlier, she expected that living in Monaeal would be a bettcr csperience compared to the 'narrow, bigoted. racist. classist" environment in

Nova Scotia, because in her words, 'surely there were people in this world that were

more enlightened" than those living in Nova Scotia. Regrettably, her adulthood in

hlontreal mirrored her childhood in Nova Scotia, especidy as it related to the

rcsidenùd racial poliacs. She explained the dynamics:

...1 have also Iearned that when one purchased a house in Montreal. if you happen to rnake one of those fatal moves and that real estate agent forgot his gentlemon's agreement and sold you a house in a white man's territory, that the neighbours would get together and of fer to purchase your house so that you move to a more agreeable neighbourhood. Hmmm, nice. They would have had to pay me a million dollars, because 1 could not have moved. 1 was willing and capable and able to sit there, because from the time that 1 left here [Halifax], 1 always lived in white society. 1 brought my childrm up in white neighbourhoods. and sotnetimes we were most unwelcomed. But it's al1 the more plcoscint... if I knew that I wasn't welcomed. Then that would be better for me psycho1ogica1ly. than to think that gee... do they mind if we're here or not... 1 knew that if 1 lived in a Jewish neighbourhood that my children would be exposed to the same academic standards... as their children. Not that there wasn't going to be racism and so on. but 1 had just determined that that was the way it was going to be. So 1 was more than happy to live in a Jewish neighbourhood. They weren't too happy about having us in a Jewish neighbourhood. That in itself was rather sad. It was not so sad for me. but it wa~very sud, for my neighbours. who happen to live next door - the Jamaicans.

Lnrercstinglt. enough, the resistance that her father faced when he wanted to

purchasc n home in a designated white residential area, was similar to what Shephard

cspcricnced when she and her husband purchased a home in Montreal. Man.

incidents corne to mind when Shephard remembers not being welcomed in her

n~i~hbourhood.On one occasion, her white neighbours put up a plank on their

porch to avoid contact witb Shephard's fdy. Her children were equdy affected bg

this racism, as a particular tenant would always cdthe police when she saw Shephard's children playing hockey in the middle of the street with other kids in the ncighbourhood. The woman made sure that the police would only go to Shephard's home for questioning. Shephard's response to this incident was very witty and poignant and 1 could not resist laughing as 1 listened to her:

Now f'd Say to myself. now mybe she didn't mind if a car came down the street and run over my two boys as long as it doesn't touch any of these little white kids they're playing with. But anyway, one of my ncighbours who happened to be Italian. came to me one day and shc said, 'Oh. you know. she's up in the air. she doesn't like having Black people on the street." So 1said, 'Well, rmone of the f irst people that bought [a home] on this street. 1 was here, you know. before the street was actually laid." So 1 said, 'Please do her a favour and tell her if shc docui't like having Black people on this street. that I'd be more than willing to find some Black truck driver if she wants to move to Beaconsville and break her lease." 1 said, '1 would have no diff iculty getting a young Black truck driver to takc over her Iease."

hlthough she reveals that in hindsight she felt her response was a Lide bit

childish and unkind, Shephard explains, "that's one of those defence mechanisms that 1

developed in order to protect myself from people that were so racist that they con see

nothing of value in me."

;\ccording to Shephard, for a group of white people who did not want her

Ulack Farnilv in their middle chss neighbourhood, they did not exactly uphold high

moral standards. One particular incident was a startling discovery when Shephard

("und out that the married couples in her neighbourhood reguiarly participated in

what is known as a kev club. The activities of the club entail couples mising their

ke1.s in a bowl, so that each peson selects a key from the bowl and cakes off with the

owncr of the keys to engage in sesual activities. This means that the women and men

slcpt with strangen. Shephard felt insulted when she learnt that this activity was taking place in her ncighbourhood because these people had aeated her family with much contempt and vct their behaviour was one she found absolutely contempnious and app&ng.

Ironically, because this key club acrivity regularly took place on a Saturday night,

Shcphard would pick up the neighbourhood children, whose parents were involved in the kev club, and take them to church on Sunday morning along with her uwn childrçn.

iv. Habits of Survival

Thcse Living conditions heightened Shephard's awareness, in her childhood and adulthood, of the poliucs of race. As her statement earlier expressed, Tt's times like these that you begin to redise that you are not acceptable mernbers of society." There wcrc manv occasions for this realisation in her life but al1 the while she was faced uith thc uncnding burdencd task of disproving the distortcd and derogatory images of Black people that esisted in white folks' racist imagination. Squalor, filth, di.,

\i.erc csamplcs of these derogatory images, and so maintaining a clean appearance and rcspectnblc disposition were some of the mechanisms Black people used to reject thcse esternailv defined images. Analysing the importance of rejecùng these images in a societv that deralued Blackness, Shephard States:

1 was a very attractive young lady. 1 always dressed perfectly. 1 knew that that was very important because you couldn't be both Black and look poor ... 1mean you had enough against you, so therefore 1 was very classic in my clothing. 1 always tried to be very, very, presentable. 1 tried not to weur too much makeup. 1 was always more low key, than anything. 1 guas I wanted to fit in but in a sense, you don't really fit in... As Black people. we over-compensate because we are unwanted. We are not respected. so therefore everything has to be perfect or it's close to perfect as we can make it... We hod to be acceptable, so perfection made us acceptable; yet strangely enough it's still not wugh.

hlthough she justifies this performance of perfection, she is acutely aware that ideologies rooted in racial superiority, in sexual stereotypes of Black womanhood, cannot be eradicated by a mere change of ones' dress code. Shephard was sali a

Bhck woman in spite of her appearance. She understood this as she concluded, 'it's still not enough," because it did not change people's racist attitude towards her. While giving Sliephard a sense of control, a spotless appearance remained an enormous

burdcn bccausc the dreadful stains of racisrn left their mark on her soul. Below she

analvscs the insidious workings therein as thev manifested from her childhood to

adulthood:

I was f orced to look very spot lus. Everything had to be perfect. Ifyou had lines. and what they cal1 the seams. up the back of your nylons... they hod to be perfectly straight. You'd practically commit suicide if you had a run and some white person saw you with a run in your stocking. You had to be utter perfection. So everything that you did, you had to be cocucious of it. Ifyou ever ...did a wa~hand you were hanging the clothu on the line, the white towels al1 had to be hung together and then the pink ones and then the blue ones or whatever. But everything had to be done perfectly so that if a neighbour looked out the window and saw your wash out there, it had to be just right or you just weren't a part of the group. And you know. 1 thought 1 was reasonably intelligent, but why did 1 alwuys fall for that garbage?... It was a burden. See, 1 remember tuking my children out in public and their clothes had to be just right. Inmy bag 1 would have rnaybe two extra changes of clothu because if they were eating ice-creom and the ice-cream rolled down their shirts, 1had to change that, because 1 couldn't let those white people think that, that is a dirty mother. My children had to be, 1 guess that's what we always Say, we have to do twice as much to prove ourselves and at anytime does this world osk, does God mean for us to have to prove ourselves a thousand times over?

These performances of perfection, or what Shephard describes as defense

mechnnisrns or overcompensating behaviour in order to be accepted by white people, can also be described as habits ofsurvival, according to Scon (1992). Tney are recurrent behaviours and habits in Black women's lives that occur in response to their lied esperiences of racial and gender oppression, or what Scott (1991) categorises as

"thc esternal adjusunents and intemal adaptations that people make to economic csploitation and to racial and gender-related oppression" (p. 7). The "Work mice as hard if rou'rc a Black person" philosophy is the underlying message in this pattern.

Such habits, first and foremost, arc responses to pain and suffering that help lesscn anger, give a sense of self-control, and offer hope.. .. They work, so opprcssed people use them over and over again to defeat pain or prolong pleasure. Pcople teach these habits to each other, often by example.. .. Like dancc steps, they provide a social euquene, a way of moving through the world, and "proof' that we are in conuol.. .. (Scott, 1991, p. 7-8)

In thcir persona1 narrative work on expenences of racism by Black Canadians and

Colourful Canadians, Brand & Sri Bhaggiyadatta (1986) offer further understanding of thcsc performances of survival:

Non-white people recognize a culture of looks, glances, gestures, silences, and physical movement: rneanings that are contained in the "ordinuf"' These silcnt communications mark Our entries and exits through rooms, buses, strects, neighbourhoods, meetings, and even the bank on the corner. In the chorcogaphy of seaang on the subway, you move to a position where you can sec people and the! cannot see vou, both for protection and evasion. There \-ou cm forccnst a possible attack; there you cm be unobtrusive. You move to the back of the bus; puend up doing what they want -ou to do. You are always under pressure, hemmed in, unfree. (p. 8)

Shcphard is full. awvare of the burden and pressure of these survival pcrforrnmccs as she sees the significance of reflecting on her behaviour when she nsks of herself, "But whv did 1 fdfor that garbage?' For this reason, Scon (1991) cautions that Like any habit, the habits of survival cm also impede one's personai gowth, given the constant scrutiny of one's persona1 behaviour.

v. Education

Shephard attended high school in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. Of her schooling, shc describes it as 'really guite good' as she was pleased that she had the Company of anothcr Black girl who also attended the same school and iived next door to her.

\'Chen she movcd to Halifax with her farnily, she attended Joseph Howe School, an inregratcd school.

Reading was one of Shephard's passions. At an early age, she read anything shc could set her bands on and chat included romantic novels. Although she laughs ahilc remcmbcring that some of the romantic books were hard to understand givrn thc wcabulary and sesual scenes depicted, she was noc dissuaded from reading.

\Wh hcr dedication to reading, she was able to succeed academicallv and later rcccivcd an award for making the most progess at the end of her school Far. This

\vas br no means a small accomplishrnent when one recaüs the segregated educational sys tcm at that urne. The few Black schools chat eldsted were in Little one-room houscs and opcrated with insufficient funding, making it impossible for teachers to bc paid and for the necessmr school supplies to be provided. The government offcrcd littlc or no assistance in spite of the fact that Black people were paying tases for those resourccs. Given the lack of resources, the few Black schools that smggled along were rventuallv forced to shut down. Shephard offers a vivid description of the trying tïmes, the struggles that were endured ro keep the schools open, and the devastating impact this had on her and the

Black communities:

Don't forget. 1 had corne out of a country environment where we had tcochers that sometirnes did not have a high school education. Sometimu. there mis some question as to whether we wue going to have teuchers or not ... We had teachers that came f rom different Black communities throughout Nova Scotia. lhey strugg led to teach us under very trying conditions... and ... over the years, 1discovered that sometimes there was no moncy to pay the teachers daries... They always boarded in the home of some, you know, neighbours and if there wowi't sufficient taxes to pay them their salary, they might work five or six months without a salary. Inturn, that family who was boarding the tacher would also have to wait five or six rnonths to be paid room and board. So it was wtremely difficult not only for the teacher but for everybody becausc in segregated schools the budget is uswlly very smoll. 50 there was no such thing as a library. We didn't have the test and so on that we should've had to get a sound education. Of course. going frorn that into the city, we began to sec that we do have an integrated system. At the time you don't know that that word even exists. Integroted is not a Canadian word, so therefore 1 knew that 1 was behind in some subjects, however. 1 did know that 1 was bright and to prove it, 1 got this award for being the most professional student in the whole chss... That was encouraging. Even though that separution existed... it existed in as much as you had to attend a Black school... So we were not unlike South Africa, or the deep South in the United States. So it does make an impact... As 1 look back as a mature woman 1 don't think there is anything quite like racism in this world... It is one thing to judge people based on their gender. 1 think it is another thing entirely to... to be a racist.

Such cspressions of anger at the education system are common, as Moreau

(1 998) adds:

It is not surprising that Blnck Nova Scotian women, whether they were locarcd in the margins of the white cities of Halif~xand Darmouth, in the townships of Truro, Guysborough and Yarmouth or in any isolated rural areas (cg. Lincolnville, Cherrvbrook) had an ongoing struggle for formal education. (p. Il-)

This strugglc for education stemmed from the fact that Black Nova Scotians were not nllowed to participate as equals in the education system as late as the 1950s (Moreau,

1998) since it was ody as of 1954 that segregaàon was legaily abolished (Pachai, 1987). Prior ro that period, Black people smggled through economic hardships, infused bv the racist clirnate, to establish one-room schools in their comrnunities

(Pachai, 1987, 1997). With limited resources, it was very difficult to keep the schools open and incvitably most of the schools had to shut down.

Shephard furthec explains the ramifications of those conditions, in relaying the difficulties that Black teachers faced in relation to employment:

In city schools your chances of becoming a teacher in a city school wos practically nil because they didn't hirt... Black tcochers to work in city schoob. And this is significant, that it's cosy enough to go bock and... develop the history of the hiring practices and 1 con tell you the nome of the first Black teacher hired in... the City of Halifax. And her name was Layia Smith and she's deud now, but she hasn't beur dead for many, mony years. But... 1 mean it was very difficult even if you had...y ou know a Bachelors begree or a Masters Degree in Education. That did not guarantee that you were going to get a particular job, or in a particular school. because... the racism systematically removed you from that lis?. You know. you were not eligible, and there weren't too mony excuses made. They just don't do certain things because it's just not done.

With much protest €rom the Black communities of these oppressive schooling conditions, certain schools became integrated giving Black children the opportunity

h)r an cducation (Pachai, 1990; Hay, 1997). Nevertheless, the inherent belief that

Ulack childrcn were unintelligent prevailed in the schools and a particular incident

that occurrcd when Shephard enrolled in a course on career development, is teliing of

thc prcvnlcncc of such beliefs. The course provided students with the opportunity to

job-shadow and interview someone in a professional field of their interest

Shephard had alwavs wanted to become a doctor like her gnndfather and so

shc rcquested an interview with a doctor. Her teacher's response to her request was

onc that crushed her: ...[ S]o 1 decided I wanted to go and have an interview with a woman doctor. So 1 made rny request and they came bock and they said, 'We've set up an interview for you to go and talk to a physiotherapist." So 1 said, '1 didn't ask to sec a physiotherapist, 1 asked for an interview with a doctor." 50 they said, 'Go ahead and have the interview with the physiotherapist, and then we'll sec what we can do.' 1 went off to visit the physiotherapi~t,and she took me to the...y ou know the gym and so on, where they curry a lot of the uercisc;, they use the pool and the stretching the hips and so on... and I enjoyed that. And 1 went back and I %id, 'Thank you very much. 1 enjoycd that but..." (laughs) it's very interestiny, 'but when do 1 get my interview with a doctor?" And 1 felt that it was either racism or classism that they did not allow me to have an interview with a doctor. 50 they set up an interview for me to sec a doctor, and she was Dr. Matthews...

\\'bar \vas cspccidl~distressing, according to Shephard, was thar although the Black studcnts had the opportunity to participate in a course on career developrnent, it was futilc and insulting because the racist educational system prevented Black people from attaining any education past the high school level. She explains:

So it would be a waste of tirne on Our parts to try to become doctors, lawyers, physiotherapists, nurses. Nome it: it just was not available to you, and to prove how unavailable it was ... the only profession that was open to a Black wornan was to become a Black teacher in a Black school, you sec. So therefore, opportunitics did exist for you to become a Black teacher because this is the supply that they needed to provide teachers to those schools. Sa therefore, that was easy. That was quite simple. They did not accept Bhck women into nursing schools until 1948 and evem at that time, they would only allow you to go to nursing school if you had a partner ...a black partner because the students at that particular the, they were housed in nursing residences... and it was two to a room, and a white girl would [have] the dilemrna of having to share a room with a Bhck girl... in the Rose Street School in Truro, Nova Scotia, which is about 60 miles from here. While you were allowed to be in the same classes together, you were not permitted to use the same bathroom. So they had bathrooms set aside for Block students. This is how ... childish, how idiotic, racism can be. You attended the school, but you were not allowed into the same bathroom... couldn't go to their churches. Itwas very, very, very sad.

Thc colour ban in Nova Scotia's school of nursing was successfullc lifted

through the acuvism of Mrs. Pearleen Oliver, which led to the admittance of Black girls into the schools (Hamilton, 1982). Compounding the problem within the school

svstern was the issue of poveq. It affected children's ability to attend school with the necessarv school supplies and denied them the opportunity to have a nutritious meal bcfore leaving for school:

And then to add insult to injury, you'd go to school and you don't have pper and you don't have pencils. and moybe you don't have any food. And maybe you're going on an empty stomach. 1 didn't go to school on an empty stomach but kids thot 1 played with went to school on an empiy stomach and it still, it annoys me. It maka me angry. Our home wcu, while not a large house, was a warm, clean house. Wc had nice warm beds. We had mattrusu. We had blankets. We were, we were reasonably cornfortable and we were not rich. My parents had an open door policy. Didn't everybody have an open door policy? That's what we always hear about people that lived in the country. Itwould be very difficult for some poor parent to have an open door policy because in my house, if you came to my house and you were hungry, you were fed. And if you came from some other part of the country and you didn't have a place to stay, then you were put to bed.

Endcrstandably, this topic continues to be a very delicate and painful one for manv Black Nova Scotian women as is evident from the personal narratives in the

rcscarch work by Ntutela (1995) (see also Moreau, 1998). This is why Shephard

\-chemcntl~addresses the popularly held rnisconception by outsiders that Black Nova

Scotians historically refused the opportunity to get an education:

Ifyou came in frorn the West Indiu or maybe some African Notion, you would be able to attend Dalhousie...g et a degree with the understanding that you're returning home to look after the raidents of your cout~try... But if you were an indigenous Black, you didn't get the opportunity to get into university because they just did not ... First of al1 it was wrong to encourage us to do something that ...wasn't really open to us ... Black people that come from other countries, primarily, the West Indies, coming into Canada would not be able to fathom the whole racial picture that existcod in Canada because they feel that here we are in a land of opportunity ...' Why haven't you taken advantage of the opportunity that uisted?" 50 therefore, they end up blaming the victim for not taking advantage of that which really did not uist. 50 while Canada might have appeared to them to be this big magnanimous country that was just waiting to educate foreign students of colour, they had the wrong impression... As Shephard continues to reflect on the invidious workings of institutionalised racism, her wounds are as fresh as they were when she was growing up:

It still angers me to the point that tears fiIl my eyes whm 1 think that we were deliberately denied an opportunity to Iearn. It wanot accidental whur they sent to us teachers thut barely had a high school educotion and in many casa, even had possessed a junior high Ievel. It is a damned disgrace and Canada should be oshamed of their past and Nova Scotia in particulor has a great deal to apologise to us for. Just for that reason, 1 wiil die thinking that affirmative action is good for US ... What is wrong with asking for a system that allows me either os a woman or OS a Black woman, to have equal opportunity to obtain the type of position that 1 have been educated to do? And this infuriatu me... and this pains me more thon almost anything I've dealt with in 68 years, the hatred towards Blacks. This suppression, the hostility that has been meted out to us, 1 think it's so very unjust, so detrimental, not only to us as a people, but r feel it is detrimental to society. They owe US something. They talk about us and our quota system. They have quota system. One hundred percent (100%) Allowed... 1guess it's when 1 went bock to collqe in Montreal and subsquently to Maritime School of Social Work [Dalhousie University] that 1 really had been able to determine that deep down inside of me, not unlike the thousands of indigenous Bloclu in Canada, there is a great deal of anger and pain that you somehow try to keep at a distance... 1 can almost feel myself using my hands to push the anger, frustration, hostility, bitterness awoy. Yet strangely enough, inside 1 consider myself a warm, loving, dedicoted... interest hg person.

Summarising the interplay between racial politics and a person's construction

of idcnticy growing up, Shephard asserts that ones teenage years are some of the most

important yars in ones life and yet hers were burdened with the rediaes of racism.

She wns denied the innocence of childhood because she was forced to grow up

quicklv, ro understand hrr place as a Black person in a white racist society. As Brand

& Sri Bhaggkadatta (1986) note, "In confronting racism, children go through a

lcarning esperience rhat matures their critical abilities. In fighting racism they reach

for concepts of moralin; and logic. They are forced to develop an analysis of the

u-orld" (p. 3).As Shephard got older, she understood certain realities. She couid

not go into certain restaurants, she could not get a haircut in white beautv parlours nor could her brothers get one in white barbershops, and she could not access hotel semices even though her father paid his taxes and the hotels were government owncd. She had to cultivate habits of survival that would allow her to carefully ncgotiate her movements in the everyday culture of racism; constantiy being on guard to cnsurc that everything she did was perfect in the hopes that she would be rcspectcd as a human being.

She found al1 of these restrictions quite ironic especidy when she recendy discovered that she had a cousin who fought in the Second World War. She began to considcr rhe implications of n Black man fighting in a 'white man's war" for white pcoplc's frecdoms and vet denied basic rights in his own home country. She could not undcrstand whv a Black man would want to fight for a country chat drd not value

Iiis own humanin as a Black person:

Why would ...a Block man ever fight, to get into the Service, to preserve a white society when he was not even allowed to get a hair cut in a barbershop? Why, it affected me sufficiently that when my two sons were growing up in Montreal, you know every kid... every boy wants to grow up to be o soldier or a sailor or an airman. And 1 said look at the time they were born '58 and '59. Of course we still had to go through the Korean War or the Vietnamese War ...and my kids were talkîng about growing up and getting into the Services. 00 you know what f used to tell them? "If you ever corne home and you tell me that your going to go into the Services, unless that war is being fought on Canadian land, 1 am going to buy myself a gun... I'll buy a pistol and Sm going to shoot your big touoff (laughs). Sm serious. vi. Infused Activism for the Children's Sake

'You know ...we are the type of people that will go around with holes in the sole of Our shoes if that means that we are able to give to Our own children or someone else's children something that they need. And ï'm sure that I'm not the only mother, or Black mother that thinks that way. And this is why in a community such as ours, we as womui have to be mothers to other mother's children. It doe~indeed take a village."

Shephard rcsolved to protect her children Çrom the demoralising effects of racism that she esperienced and prepare them for a better educational esperience than the one she had. She was detehned ro pass on to her children as much sccuri~as her parents passed on to her:

When 1 went to Montreal, 1 started... developing a real interest in education. Having been deprived of an integrated education, 1 started to put a real value on education and 1 decided that if and when we had children, we would bring them up in a certain level of society. And we bought [a home] in a white neighbourhood... Because I have three children to educate, I was determined that I was going to educate my children in a school district that considcred education to be important ... So when 1 think of the children that get in trouble, my hartaches for them, because I know 1 devoted rny life to rearing my children. Muybe 1 should have devoted more of my life to myself, which would not have really been selfish, but 1 wanted my children to have every opportunity in life. 1did not want them to be deprived because they were Black children.

Shcphard decided to stav ac home and work at raising her children and looking

nftcr hcr farnil~.She quicklr adds, howvever, rhat she believes she should be

compcnsatcd for the tirne she spent providing a solid foundation for her children so

thar thcy would be decent and well-adjusted human beings. In her view, this

compcnsation would be wvell deserving since she was not able to remain in the

u-orkti~rcelong enough to build a pension plan for herself. For this reason, she

srrongl~believes that Black wornen should get into the habit of networking or establishing an investment club so that they can be educated in money matters, which will help them toward a secured future.

For the sake of her children, Shephard assened her agency as a parent and becarnc ven. proactive in her cluldren's education by participating in their after- school activiues and being active in the Parent Associations. For example, in conjunction with other parents, she organised and formed a day care in her ncighbourhood:

But it was technically ... a little school for our children. We had the basement of one of the bigger opartment complues and we set a little day school for other children. And they would go two or three times a week. They would play and listen to stories, the wornen took an active part. We would go in and you know. wash the toys and clean the place and so on. We had a committee set up and we welcomed people to you know, bring their children to, to join the facility and we had to organise off-duty policemen to chauffeur our children back and forth. They had a little bus. and they took our children back and forth. We had to bmch out and do sorne publicity and that type of thing.

The day care gave Shephard a sense of accomplishrnent and agency, knowing thnt shc [vas contribuung to her children's development as well as those in her ncighbourhood. hloreover, it created a chah of activities and committee affiliations tor Shcphard; from organising a ballet school and a French summer school, to

~oluntceringnt a hospital and counselling children who iived in troubled homes.

She also became involved in the Black Educators r'issociation and organised

Black parent-tcacher meetings to encourage parents to get involved in their children's school activities so they could assert the needs of their children. These meetings were

3 plattorm to discuss ideas on how to provide a stnictured environment for the childrcn, one that would enable them to attend to their homework in a timely and productive fas hion. In con)unction with the Association of Black Social Workers,

Shephard also worked as a field worker, counselling families.

Reflecting on the way she raised her children, Shephard speaks with pride of thcir own cornmiunent to helping other Black children in need, of how they pass on the same ethic of care that infuses her own activism in her cornrnuniy:

... life has been kind to us. So in turn 1 sec my son in Montreal, he coaches you know hockey and he coaches soccer, things of this nature, because he feels it's important to be involved with children. And I look at Jordy ...1 don't know if he ha~a Black football team this year or not, but he would go into the country in the Black community and pick up children and take them to play football. And 1 don? think anyone told him to. 1 think he just has a sense of cornmitment. You know you just want to do something to bring some happinus to the children and in addition, to teach them to have a good self-esteem and to keep thern out of trouble... Because children that aren't active end up in trouble so often because they are bored to death. So if you keep your finger in there then you guarantee some type of a positive change... And t can sec it being ref lected in...my three children. My daughter, she is involved in Phoenix House. My daughter said to me on the way home. She says, "Mom, you know, 1 love you." And 1 said, "Oh, 1 love you too.' Y'You know what , Mom, you taught me something. Now you taught me that if someone needed a coat and they didn't have one, you taught me that you would take yours off your back and give it ta them." But you know what, 1 considered that a major compliment, but as a Black wornan, 1 considered it even a bigger compliment because that's the way we are. We are givers. We are wonderful people. And so when she said that to me, you know, 1 felt so good inside and - but the thing that amazed me the most was that she had observed it. So whether you do fulfil your drums yourself or you fulfil your drcams by living vicariously through your chi fdren, you're still accomplishing something.

\'iShcn Shcphard's children engage in an activism of their own, they are expressing an ethic of carc that has been passed on by their mother.

Whilc Shephard cautions chat such activism is not aiways easy to accomplish giwn limited resources, she encourages that we must press on:

It takes each and every one of us being partially responsible for al1 of our children to make life worthwhile and to keep them off the beaten path because ifs awfully easy for Our kids to get into trouble... They have little opportunity, little opportunity. 50 where do they get money to take a girl down the Street and buy her a coke? Where's the rnoney coming from if they don't have a job? If they don't have a job they have to get it from somewhcre. Some of it means selling a little bit of crack to get the funds to makc themselvu look big and importont. Thot's what they are going to do. And so half of our kids are involved in selling crack or taking crack. We cannot off ord it becouse our kids will be destroyed. White kids, upecially if they corne from influcntiol parenting, their mothers cm send them to o trcotment Centre. We don't havc the funds to put Our children into treatment Centres. We don? have those Iuxuries. 50 where do our kids end up? They end up in jail. And we have far too many young Bhck kids in there. For my nutproject, 1 already have received rny papers and things, last year. 1 am going to become involved in the Elizabeth Fry society and sec what 1 can do ...and it's not enough to expect someone else to do it. Not enough ... We get so embroiled in Our own problems or likes or dislikes, our desires, whatever we havc, we forget the other person and 1 think that is very sad.

Khilc shc insists that more community work needs to be done, Shephard is vcn. pleased with the proactive role that churches continue to take in developing a consciousncss around social issucs, such as suicide, depression, and mental illness.

Shc urges that thcv conunue in the same spirit given their historical role in the survivd of the Black communig: .We would reully in essence have practically nothing to keep us going and they've given us direction. They've given us moral standards, and those are some of the things that 1 think have cemented us in the struggle." The work at the

I'ictoria Rond Unitcd Baptist Church in Dartmouth is one example of a church she

rcprds as worhng in this direction, as it hosts workshops and seminars that address

social concerns.

vii. Community Organising

Canadian Congress on Leaming Opponunities for Women; Black

Professional K'ornen's Group; Association of Black Social Workers; Real

Opportunitics for Prisoner Emplovment; Farnilv SeMce Association; Nova Scotia Home for Coloured Children; Bryony House; Women's Self-Education Netswork;

Ladies Ausiliam. These are only a few of the organisations that Shephard has been

:iffiliated with throughout her Me, and she continues to spend her time volunteering in the cornmuniw. The seeds of activism were planted when she joined the Young

\Yomen's Organisation hosted at the YWCA. She recalls, "As a woman, 1 felt a major cornmitment. Maybe starting bock with that ...Young Women8sOrganisation ... maybe [it] began to generate something within me as a wornan. 1 wanted to gain OS a Black woman."

Shephard speaks of the warmth and sense of togetherness she felt in meeting with othcr Black women in that organisation who had similar interests and concerns.

Shc notes that it \vas a white wornan from Jamaica who established and led the Young grciup of Black women. 1\11 of them were in high school and only a small number wcrc part of the organisation. This was because very feu. Black women had the opportunin to go to high school, following junior high school because of the atorcmcntioncd segregated school systern and economic hardship. Shephard cmphasiscs the limited opportunity of a high school education when she States, 'Going to grade ten and eleven and twelve was an exception to the rule."

She also recalls a man from the West Indies who dso helped organise Black wuth tr) discuss issues of interest:

When 1 first started or when 1 first joined [the youth group] ... established by B. A. Husbands... and I adrnired him... He was married with a family and yet for some strange reason he had this desire to ses, you know, Black teens interested in something and he brought us together and formed this group ... You could almost say he was a cornm~ityworker, yet 1 think he did this as a motter of interest ... And so therefore, he tried to get us organised and tried to get us involved and he gave us the opportunity to corne together os an organised group ...We would discuss different things and, in ow own contut because this was completely Black...y ou know, the fact that we were coming together and sharing Our concerns. viii. The Church as a Site of Activism

Shephard's sense of community organising continued in the church shody after hcr baptism in Truro. She began to teach Sunday school, conduct the children's church session, and she performed in the choir. Remembering her activism in the church, Shephard adds that the institution of the church was not immune from the racist artitudcs toward Black people because white churches did nor allow Black pcoplc to worship in them. As for those that allowed Black people to attend their churches, it was conditional upon Black people only wors hipping and not socialking with rhc Young pcople. As soon as the service was over, they had to leave the church prcmiscs.

Shephard's participation as an active member in her church ignited her subscqucnt activism in the community. \%en she moved to Montreal, she taughr in

Sundar school and conducted women's meetings and bible studies meetings. She statcs, '[Wle began to accept some type of a social role in our church in as much as we decided that we would reach out and do things for people that were in need. So 1 became active ...." Shephard described the process of taking an active role as something thnt gm-c hcr a nice feeling.

Retumhg to HdTàx

On rcturn CO Halifax, Shephard continued her activism and became interested in the needs of Black adopted children, pamcularly those living with white families.

At the urne, the Black Cultural Awareness Group was addressing this issue because the children were being isolated from the Black communiry. Following a meeting with W'anda Thomas Bernard, a professor at Dalhousie University's Maritime School of Social Work, Shephard began to work on a governrnent gant application. The gant \vas to be used to engage the children in activities that taught them about their

Black heritage and history. Shephard shared that applying for the gant was quite the undertaking because they later discovered that some officials from the Children's i'd

Socien had told the government officials not to provide them with the Çunds.

Fortunatcly, wvith the assis tance of the Blac k Women's Professional organisation, they wcre able to obtain some funds to continue the project, although with Limited rcsources. Of this esperience she says:

But in any case ...we did persevere. We ran our progvam, maybe not as well as we would have liked if we had been able to hire employees and so on but that wanot to be... And do 1 get a grcat senne of satirfaction when 1 know that 1 have worked for a whole year with a group of little Black children living in white foster core, os I try to teach t hem that they are very very important people. They have a chance in this life. Maybe they are not with their birth mothers, birth fathers, they are still loveable and worthwhile.

It is sak to assume that Shephard's sense of satisfaction was heightened particularl~bccausc of her own background in adoption, with both parents being ndopted and the adoption of one of her children. Through her involvement in childrcn's adoption, Shephard had the oppomnity to work with the Nova Scotia bascd Black United Front organisation and this work gave binh to a project origindly

callcd Opportunity for Black Women. The name of the proiect was later changed to

Opportunin. Project, to reflect the importance of addressing not only the needs of

Black women, but also those of the farnily and cornmunit).. Topics such as the impact of the iudicial system on Black people, food supplies, and the needs of the communiw as a whole, were the focus of the project.

One particular project that Shephard holds dear is that of the Women's Health

Education Nenvork, which she calls her pet project because it addressed women's tiealth issues. She speaks passionatelv about the proactive role that women must take in relation to hcir health:

... I feel that as women, as Black wom en...our heulth issues are not addressed in the manner that they should be addressed. We should be better informed as to what our rights are in making demands for top-notch medical services. We know that under normal circumstanccs, women are not included in most areas of health... We often tirnes have serious hart conditions that are not being addrused, upecially at an earlier age because womtn artn't rupposed to have hart attacks until...p ast that vital age... So we ful much of this has to do with the fact that doctors and researchers are not addrusing those serious hcolth issues that pertain to women because the research are donc on men. And thatls why 1 feel that Black people have to become involved in al1 of the government bodies that are established. We should be on the health boards. We should be on any boards that pertain to the Iaw of man, legal changes, etc. Nome any branch of the government that might form a cornmittee, then 1 feel on that cornmittee there should be at leust one Black representative. Inaddition to that, 1 feel that there should be one aboriginal representative.

From a lifeume of activism, Shephard concludes that die government does not offer the adequate support needed for community developrnent projects to succccd. She eloquently States, "1almost feel that the government almost sets you up ... t hey handicap you f rom the very beginniy... Youlre continually in need of f unds ...support services1' Anrone who has worked in community organisations knows that these are maior obstacles to community activism and organising and so it requires great determination to march on in spite of the challenges. Shephard has alwavs marched on. Theoreticai Talk: Tough Love Messages for Black Women

'As a Black woman. 1 have always felt that women play a major role in society in gmeral. And those of us who are Block women have a major rupomsibility to represent our community... You have to go and pass on ...and so what 1 received in my generation. 1 as a Black woman must pass on to the next generation."

Mter 69 vears of resilience and defiance, encouraging and insightful words naturallv tlow throughout Shephard's narrative. I enjoyed immensely her knack for rcgding stories with a determined passion for Living, which made the lessons therein mernorable. Hcr approach CO issues in the Black community, both locally and globellr, was couched in honestv and painful honesty ar that, as there are issues that she suIl ppples with in terms of Black liberauon strategies and the role that ch ri sua ni^ plavs therein. With her Christian upbringing, she finds herself qucstioning the love ethic that demands compassion towards our enemies because shc strugles to heal hersclf of the anger and haaed shc feels towards whitc people and thcir rncist practices. She illustrates this emotional contlict:

And yet sometimes I feel 1 have a great deal of anger. and pain inside but if I hide i t and not let it out to express the anger that I f eel. to whom do I direct that anger? You see. not only do 1 have good white friends. but 1 have good white relatives. not unlike yourself. You see your aunts, uncles and cousins out there, people that teach you love and respect, or at least 1 hope they do. you know because... they've been taught that we are inferior. They were taught that we don't have the same intellectual capabilities as white. But that's not true. 1 think the greatest crime that white society has infected on Black society is to try to teach us that we are not as good as they are. 1 think is the major crime. They think we are not as capable, we will accomplish lus. We are not up to scratch. And 1 say that having al1 that intellectual capability habeen used to rnake them rude. nasty, exploiters. al1 conquering. al1 destructive as they have been. then dear Lord do 1 want tu be like those people? Now 1 stop and 1 think about it and 1 think Oh Gode have mercy. Have mercy on us al1... Have we been carried away when one is able to systernatically inflict upon a nation such as South Africa the apartheid that they have infected on those people? ... And yet as angry as it makes me, because when my religious - it's almost. you know, sometimu you almost feel like you're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. the two persomlities within. Because you have so much anger on one side, and yet on the other side you have this compassion, this wormth, this sense of forgiveness. And then 1 ask myself, is there something wrong with me emotionally? boes this same dichotomy uist within the heurts of Black people? boa it uist? And if it does, what do we do about it? As women, as mothers, as wives, as children, what do we do to change? Thot we are supposed to be agents of pain. Thot's what we are, is agents of pain... What should we be doing in al1 conscience, to bring about the change that does not uist for us? ... When you corne out with a boctorate, is there a job waiting? And if the job is waiting, is it waiting for you? 1s it waiting for me? Or is it waiting for a member of white society? They do look after their own.

Since we both have white relatives, Shephard wondered about my relationship wirh mv mother, and of how I negotiate m identity as a Black woman with my mothcr's white idcntity. Below is our brief dialogue:

Chiorna: 1 consider doing this research as part of my activism, in terms of celebrating Black women's visibility, their lives and the work they do in their cornmunity. Are there any questions you would like to ask me? What would you recommend be done with this work upon completion?

Shephard: From your own experience as a child of a Black father and white mother, do you have difficulties trying to clcon the screen? To know, to wipe that fog away to see the picture. And when you wipe that fog away what do you sec?

Chioma: 1 have no problem seeing. 1 don't sec any fog. 1 con sec right through.

Shephard: You see right through?

Chiomu: I see right through.

Shephard: And they are the oppressor?

Chiomu: Yes, and my mum being white, you know she, her whiteness allows her to have privileges that 1 will not have.

Shephard: How do you feel about that?

Chioma: Well, she can see that.

Shephard: She sees that?

Chioma: Yeah...she hato understand that if she...

Shephard: And she wants you to understand? Chioma: Yes, she understands that haviq a Black daughter, 1 am restricted by my race and gender in ways that she will not be restricted. So shc knows that.

Shephard: She knows that.

Chiorna: Yeah

Shephard: And 1 think it is something that we al1 have to know ... And sometimcs we're afraid to look through that glass because then we have to deul with reality.

Shcphard's honest approach to dealing with our realities is expressed in some of the tough love lessons she offered for Black women as mothers and daughters and as rnembers of the Black community; lessons learnt from her own scars of racism to thc ioys of supporring each other:

50 1 think that as women, we owe it to ourseives to treat other women with love and with respect; that we never put another woman down. Thot we never feel that because one has a higher level of education than the other, that that person with the education is superior to one who has not had that same opportunity. Because so often, it's not because the woman without it is not bright enough to get it, she just doesn't have the opportunity to get it. We need networking... You know you come together. you become each others mentors, you become each others sponsors because you have that bond and we don't have that bond. Many white women have that bond. We Iack that, but we need it ...And 1 know right at the present tirne they have a Black wornen' help network, which has been sturted here at the North End Centre but we need a Black people help network ... We need more organisa?ions within the cornmunity building stronger programs that pertain to our community, that address the needs of our cornmunity. But we as mothers and technically the nucleus of Black society... we do have a major responsibility because if a monts out workiry on a constant basis, putting the food on the table then we as women carry a very heavy burden. Technically we should not be carrying that alone, but so ofteo we are. And as wornen we've got to get together more. We've got to be able to meet and discuss and compare our experiences and we must be a support to each other ... They [Black women activists] never get any positive feedback as to what they are doing and how effective it is and that's very sad ... Wal king alone is o very very stressf ul painf ul experience. And it's when we corne together os sisters that we provide a support service, and we must do that.

Shcphiird's sentiments egg us on to use our might, words, intelligence, and

compassion to break down the wali that has been instimtionaliy and systematicdy erected to create an everyday, every hour CU~N~of domination. They rernind us of the importance of honouring each other in our collective efforts to upiifi our communiues, while suggesting ways in which we can negotiate affirming roles as

Black women. To Shephard, we are the shapers of the future and the nucleus of socicn. To us she holds accountable for educating Our daughters and sons, ou. communi~,and ourselves for only then are we able to celebrate our visibilitt. and honour our ancestors whose iives and pain paved the way. Her reward cornes in knowing that we are not sitting still but suiving ahead.

\Vith respect to Our leaders and their determinaaon to cloak our spirits in oppression, S hcphard declarcs that we must 'sec them as guards because they are keeping us in prison behind a high wall ...a wall that is not easily penetrated." More important, WC must zedously keep guard in our liberation struggles for 'they have

indeed enslaved us because whilc we arc not working in 1999 as slaves, we are in sorne way, shape or forrn, still indentured. We are not free... we are still in chains." She insmcts that

much work needs to be done and so we must assen Our agency and sense of

cntitlcmcnt instead of being passive members of society.

SMpasshg it on.. .

The conversational s~leof the narratives lent to long hours of theorising and

rcRccungL - on a wide range of topics affecting Black people's experiences here in

Canada and the world beond. Because of Shephard's observations from her

cstcnsive travels across the world, she is able to draw some conclusions on the global systemic oppression of Black people as she sees a comection benveen her immediate communiw of Black Nova Scotians to the global community of Black people.

Thcrefore, she urges that we never stop reflecting on these matters and mzking connections in our analysis:

I think that this is something that a Black woman really cannot ignore, and that is thot we are oppressed and we will continue to be oppresscd not just because we are Black, but also because wc are wom m... When you clear the fog from the window you see ptainly or clear ly that white society has indeed systernatically institutionally separated us or excluded US from socicty. Are we still enslaved? Are we still colonized? I know we are. And as 1 said eariier, for some years now 1 have been trying on a personal levcl to research social stratification and 1 have concluded that it is not an accident that the Black man (and woman] or the Black society f inds itself in the position that it's in. 1 did not consider it for one minute to be accidental. So therefore I always check myself periodically and 1 ask gueSti0~.

1 havc decided to pass on some further observations and theones from

Shcphard's narrauvcs on other topics, by placing them in builet form under topic

hendings for casv reference. To avoid loosing the gusto and candour in her words,

thci- arc prcscnted in their entirew, with minimal editing. Like the Book of Psalrns,

likc anr cngaging book of tales, her life accounts read iike parables. Thev arc rich

uith insight and wittv asidcs, and 1 have bolded the sentences in each section so as to

hi~hlighther insights, moments of rupture, and critical reflections.

Her caution against the individualistic and capitalist culture of white society in

choosinç our "experts" on out espenences.. .

Because once 1 was very active in the women's movement and 1 was chosen to enter for the Woman of the Year and so 1 entered it and 1 didn't win of course... It al1 boils down to the fact that sorneone norninoted me and I knew this young woman who had been very active in the community and she worked her hands off... serving the community ...und no one norninated her but they had nominated me. And 1 could sec that she was a little bit hurt. And you know what, she wos just quietly hurt. Becouse 1 was back here two or three years you know, I had come bock from away [from Montreal] and that away was very important. Ihad come back from away, which is the expression we use here. And in that two or three short years 1 am norninated for this accolade, you know. and she was totally ignored. 1 didn't say much but really 1 wanted to put my arms around her and apologise, but thtn 1 wasn't responsible for being norninated. Sorneone had nominoted me, I don? know who, but 1 suppose the Canadian Congrus on Learning Opportunitiu for Womcn because 1 was very active with thern. But in any case 1 felt sad because she should have been norninated literally years before 1 was nominated. And it wos a disstrvice in a sense to take precedent over someone who had worked very hard and it's a little bit sad. But sometirnes you see in the Black cornrnunity you will find that white society will choose ywr leaders, which wc should resisî, but to be tacthil we don?. Now this is hue and we should always make sure that wocnur that duem honour get the honair. Sometimes wc ona little too selfish to do tha?.

"But Some of Us Are StiU Brave.. ." niings are different now. There are basic human rights that al1 mankind should have and we are after those things, and we'll settle for nothing las. And f always say that they freed, not just some Blacb, but they freed, bought... bought thew freedom for al1 people. white women in particular. And if you analyse what has happened throughout the United States and Canada, over the pst, what 30 yeurs. 35 years. 40 years, the white women have benefited from everything that has occurred, far more so than the Black men or Black wornen, and even other rninoritirc; they are called the visible rninorities. It's just that, that glass ceiling, 1 felt was going to be just so much thicker if you were a Black woman, but then 1 always try to point out ... 1 was aware of the fact that white women were going to reach that ceiling a thousand years before rny sisters were going to reach that ceiling... 1 somrhow felt thut. or 1 always ask my question..." Will they look out for those of us who are visible, and yet not really seen, are we a part of the action? Are they going to open doors for themselves only? Or are we al1 going to tear down those walls. open those gotes. open those doors together?" And 1 always had that fear that we would not be doing that together. So therefore. when the announcement was made regarding Judge Sparks 1 said. 'Damn It!" 1 always knw we [Block women and white women] would not be making that move togcther. Thot the colour of one's skin still pwoils in making decisions ...ad if thcm is opportunity, tha? oppohinity is avuilable to those that fit that critaio or aiterion... whatever you want to use. 1 usually stick to the word criteria. 1 know that one's multiple and that one is single. however in my mind it's Black criterio ... ïtfsalrnost impossible for US to get through that wall. It's going to take a cannon blast and then I'm afraid that as we shoot that cannon, it might bounce off the wall and come back to dutroy us; and these ore ftars 1 gucss. It was in the best interest... that they instilled within us an insecurity or an inferiority in order to keep us in chains, and it's painful because... when these things happen it hurts so very. very much. And so when she [Judge Sparks] was not elevated to the Federal Court. 1 was just so very devastated. I phoned everybody 1 could possibly phone. 1 wrote letters. 1 did everything. because not only did 1 consider it a slight against her as an individwl... 1 also considered it as a major slight to our community. Some of the Burdens of Being Black.. .

1 am a very serious person. 1 take thirys very deep into my hart. If 1 con get some of the anger and the animosity out of myself, 1 feel that 1 would know a great deal of joy because 1 coruider life as bcing kind to me. But 1 feel not jwt myself. but for other Block people, the Men, and th- is a buden in king Black. It's as though our Blocknu is seen or a contominont to sociely-and 1 forrnulated that hypothrris or that idea a long tirne aga. Was it because 1knew that 1 couldn't go to that white xhool; was it because that if I died 1 couldn't be buried in a white cemetery; was it because 1 knew that if I went to the Nova Scotia Hotel to stay overnight that 1 wouldn't get a bed; was it because 1 knew that if 1 went in and asked for a hair cut in a white beauty parlour that 1 would not get it; was it because 1 knew 1 would be turned out at certain restaurants as 1 went in to purchase a meal. We are perceived as a contaminant to white society and to other societies that have beui instilled with some of the same racial policia. which is very sud. And I cannot allow myself to feel that 1 am a contaminant. So therefore. everything f do, everything 1 say, everything proy 1 make has been to prove to white society that while 1 am Black and not white, 1 am a very vuy valued member of society, and 1 always have given to it [society J and have never taken anything away from it. And 1 think that if al1 Black people were able to think along these lines and then implernent that same principle that would in itself instil a sense of pride... We are intelligent, we can be the great surgeons, we con be astronomers, we con be Presidents. we can be Prime Ministers. We have the ability to accomplish anything in life that we set out to do, but 1 think our society owcs us a great deal of encouragement and a great deal of support. And if it's not coming down the pipes in 1999. then 1 guess for the years 1 have left and combined with the yuvs that you have left. and a thousand other Blacks, somehow or another. that which is presently not available might become available if we have to pull strings for the rut of our lives. fi's sad, it is painful to k Black in a racirt socie?y but rochm is hem to stay and it's ge?ting healthicr by the day. tt's tragie. It's tNly -K. And it hurts.

Canada and Racial Apartheid.. .

Itwas only in recent years that 1 watched an interview being done and they were interviewing a white South African, and he stated, 'Surely you realise that before we irnplemented the Apartheid System we hdto study the situation, and so we sent representatives to Canada. to England. etc. to determine how they were treating their Blacks." So that South Africa would be able to set up a similar program. So that Apartheid system thut uisted in South Africa wos not one that was not contributed to by this...mg nanimous country. So thanfon, when you think about these things, you becorne somewhot angy. On the RoyalFamily ...

Getting back to statements 1 made in regards to the Royal Family, 1 have little or no respect for the Royal Family. The Royal Family starting 1 suppose prior to good green Bess and her group, they made millions and millions and millions of dollars in the shve trade. Bringing my people from Africa to various countrics throughout the world to work as slaves ...she made... rnoney on Our backs. And 1 feel that 1 own some of the diamonds on her croirn. 1 feel that 1 have pid for the bricks that were used to build BucWnghom Palaee...Kuuington Palace. Those people owe me something because they sold my ancestors to build their wuilth. Therefore, I have no respect for them. 1 feel that they are living off the masses and exploiting the masses.

Concluding Section: Some Afier/wods

As wc reached the end of our final narrative session, 1 asked Shephard how shc fclt about parucipaang in the narrative interview, and she had this to say:

Very diff icult, because 1 do feel as 1 look back at it, and as 5 try to map it out, you see, and I can sec al1 rny little cubiclu, If1 had time to set ail of this up, 1 would have graphed it... 1 would have addresscd each topic, 1 would have had my headings and then my feelings. It seemed so rnuch difficult; it puts me in touch with some of the pain 1 had known as a Black woman. We spent a lifetime without any recourse, a lifetime without recourse. This is where we are in Canada, in Nova Scotia, Little Rock, in 1999. Life is not pleasant. Lif e does not corne easy to us. This is why 1 emphasise and demonstrate some of things th& have occurred in our experience as Black in Canada because 1want you to have some understanding of what it is in a society, or in this society that has in some respects, delayed us in achitving some of the things that you might have been able to achieve in your own community, because they boxed us into little boxes. And when you don't fight with arms, it progresses very very slowly. And since we've been conditioned not to take arms, if we only take up the Bible and it just so happens they are not into the bible. you don't make enough of that progress. It's just impossible and it's very very tragic ... 1 want to live my life as Gandhi lived his life. He loved his people and he respected his people.

Shc took the opportunity to review her Life accomplishments and commitment to communi~uplift and passed on some vital and touching words of encouragement to mc: You know 1 wanted to say that 1 have devoted thousands and thousands of hours to volunteer work. 1 feel thot 1 have [been] negligent [in] not doing more because there is a great deal more that 1 myself should have done. And 1 would also Iike to say this. When 1 die. 1 will not Ieave a gravestone or a rnarker to acknowledge my journey on this earth. 1 intend to be cremated and 1 intend to have my ashu spread at a number of pbcuthot 1 feel that are very important to me. And so therefore. 1 will not need a mcirker. But 1 pray to Cod and if some, just one, small Black child in his adult ycors is able to look back and Say, that Mrs. Shephard was very kind to me. or Mrs. Shephard told me that 1 con become anything 1 want. then that will be my rnarker. But thot will be my name in lights. And 1 mean thot very very seriously. 1 hope you will receive your encouragment from people like myself ... And as a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. the things that you will be able to accomplish in your life will take a book to record them. And it muka me proud to sec you. you know exploring this area, but pray that you will never know the pain that some of us have known in Nova Scotia.

In concluding Shephard's narrative, 1 present her definition of activism, which u-as a vcn. insightful one, in terms of educating one on the different kinds of activist

bchaviour rhat do take place but not necessarilv for posiave change. She previously

statcd, "1 began my role of an activist without really identifying the word as such." Below

shc surnmarises what activism means to hcr:

1 consider the word activist as being an agent of change... and by that 1 mecm that which we do in society is done to bring about. that is for me, a positive experience. not only for myself, but for those with whom Sm dealing. 1 sec agents of change as being either negative or positive. And 1 think 1 had that attitude prior to learning of Mahatma Gandhi or Martin Luther King. I alwqs felt that if I was going to do something in society, it had to be of a positive nature. And when 1 say a positive as opposed to a negative nature, 1 think of the KKK as being a very negative agent of change... They are out there to promote a solidarity on the part of the people that shored the same philosophy that they have. that is racisrn. separation, hostility. They promote al1 of those things thot I consider it as being unchrist like yet they proclaim themselves to be Christian... Sa 1 had decided that if 1 indeed am to be an agent of change, then 1 have to promote al1 of those things that are good primarily for al1 people... I always felt that we should rwonwith oll people. That we should inform them as to the effect that their particular views might have on us as a people, or us as women. And so therefore. rveolways tried to promote a very positive picture as to what true activisrn is... Whatever hostility or pain that 1 felt within myself. 1 tried never to let it show. Second Narrative

Joyce Ross 'So 1 am very proud of my community and it made me even prouder whcn 1 started Iearning Black History and knowing what people contribute...."

The 1986 issue of The Black Business and Professionai Woman's Engagement

Cnlendar profiles 21 Black women across Canada. The text undemeath the individual

n-omcn's picturcs, celebrates their academic pursuits and community endeavours

whilc cncouraging others CO look to them as examples of iife possibiiities and

actualised dreams. hmong these women is Joyce Ross, featured in the rnonth of

May, and the test underneath her picture reads:

Joyc Ross can be cded one of Canada's outstanding citizens, but unlikc man!, she has received some recognition for her work in the community.. .. In rccogniuon of hcr communiw involvement, Ross was awarded the "1 Care" nivard from CHNS radio staaon in 1971, the "Citation award" from the Volunteer Help Lme in 1974, and was norninated for Woman of the Year in thc black comrnunities. Her cornmuniw takes great pride in Ross' contributions over the years, and she has set an example that al1 women can follow. (Benn-Ireiand, 1986, month of May)

Thcsc words capture the essence of Ross' cornmitment to communin. developrnent

and II \-cars latcr, it is even more encouraging to see that her dedicaaon has not

dwindlcd bv. anv- means.

Evidence of Ross' commitment can be found among her long List of

communi~initiatives, awards, and the various positions she has occupied over the

\cars in community organisations; positions such as board mernber, vice-president,

prcsidcnt, treasurer, secretq and founder. Some of her communiq- and church

affiliations include the Pison Prevention Minism., Church CounseUing Team, Ladies iiusiliary, Family Planning Association, African Women's Baptist Institute, Kay

Livingstone \Yromen's Wnority Group, Black United Front, and the YWCA. For the past 43 years, Ross has taught Sunday school and recentiy the East Preston United

Baptist Church honoured her for her outstanding cornmunity and church work by liccnsing her acuvism in Prison Ministry on May 30, 1999. As she prepares to officiallv retire, what she will be mosr known for in her East Preston community, of

Non Scotia, and the country, however, is her work in child-care services as

çrnbodicd in the legacy of the East Preston Day Care Centre, of which she is founder and dircctor.

On Januan. 19,2000, the CBC Televisiori Maritimes evening news hour capturcd part of this legacy on their segment "Our Community," hosted by Angela

Johnson, a Bhck fernale journalist. Ross was recognised for her contribution to the

East Prcston community, through her work at the day care Centre. She was also profilcd in the 1998 cover stoy, "Honouring Canadian Child Care," featured in the

Amcrican magazine, ChM Care In/omiarion Exchange. The magazine recognised the

East Prcston Dav Care Centre as one of the top [en childhood iniuaaves across

Canada. In the same vein, the full-page feature article, "East Preston Day Care -

Shaping the Future," recopsed Ross' work in thc 1997 Spnng issue of the Nova

Scotian busincss magazine, Black to i3ci.sines.r. These examples are offered as a glimpse in to some of the outstanding work that Ross has done, and continues to do, for her community.

In the magazine A Dream Corne Tme, introduced and edited by Ross, feamre srories chronicle some of the struggles that were overcome and the labour of love that made the dav care Centre a success. Pictures of staff and cornmittee members of the dar care, community residents, organisations, and government officiais, reveal thcir participation and support in making the Centre, whch was Ross' dream, a

The need for a day care Centre in the East Preston Communitv became cvidcnt following a survey in which 90% of the people in the community were in faïour of having a day care. This was because 'most of the grondparents, they wanted to have some place for their grandchildren to go so they could have free time because they used to look after [them], because the Black farnily is always an utended family."

Thcrcforc, in 1771, Ross formed the East Preston Da- Care committee to begin the ti~undationwork for a Ccntre. After a Far and a half of working arduously to solicit hnds from rhc govcrnment, the committee was unsuccessful. They decided then that it would be best if they searched for a piece of land on which to erect the building for the Centre. They waited in faith.

Onc dav one of the communitv residents, Charles Glasgow, offered the cornmittee an acre of land for the price of $800.00. The offer was accepted and the purchase was made, leaving a balance of $1.86 in the cornmittee's bank account. tlencc, the ston goes that with $1.86, support from the cornmuni-, faith and pcrscvcrancc, Ross' dream began to take fight. In 1974, with bare resources and subsequent assistance from the governrnent, Ross findv incorporated the East

Preston Da- Care Centre and became its founder and director. As in the magazine, A Dream Corne Tme, Ross notes in the narrative session that she did not always have the support of some residents in her community, but she

\vas dctermined to work harder, particularly against the barrien of racism. She states:

1 mean everything 1 ever tried to get through in this community, we as a cornmittee would work together. There was always a fighting battle, a stressful battle, and you had to work as hard to be succusful and you rdlyhad to push. So there's a time when you get tired. Even that's like right now... I'm saying there's lots of things rd like to see donc, but you mean you gotta go through another fighting hurdle. fie been just a person who always wanted to do and was always willing to do ... AS I rerninisce, everything that 1 put my hands to do, I had no failure... You see f'm a drearner, I'm always drearning and ï'm still dreaming of things to do ...

i. Childhood Mernories

OnJuly 8, 1939, Ross was born to Edith Colley and James A. Colley in East

Prcsron, Nova Scotia. East Preston is one of the oldest and lnrgest Black communities in Nova Scotia and was founded in the earlv 1700s dunng the scrtlcmcnt of Black people in Canada. Ross is married to John Ross and they have hi-c children and 1 1 grandchildren. Coming from a very large familu, Ross shares that hcr grandmother had 14 children and estimates that there are about 91 family mcmbers, iudging from the attendance at her mother's 75th birthday celebrauon. Of thc dymics in such a large six family, Ross states:

[W]e have a good family relationship. We have fun when we aII get together as a family, like my brothers and sisters. and what not. It's just like...y ou know we get together and we laugh and go on ... We star? talking about old tirnes and how things were. It's great to get together. 50 we've been doing it 'cause we've been having family weddings now for the Iast three years in a row and everybody's been coming home.

She L.goes on to share somc of her childhood memories and does so with great pride: Growing up in the Black community, 1 have a lot of good memoriu because like Our community was, we were a Black poor community. Arid 1mean...we never had electricity, we never had indoor facilitics and we had a lot of farms because a lot of people provided for their own living, you know. So we had a lot of farms in the community and we had a farm. We had pigs, chickens, horsts and cows and wc had wood stoves that you have to, you know, go into the woods and cut the wood down. And me and my brother was the oldest we had to do so [the cutting]. And in Our family there was no such thing as boys work and girls work. Everybody did everything. All my brothers could cook meuls and clan house same as we con because that was the way we were brought up. Thot everybody had to work and we dl worked together and everybody was trained and taught to do the same thing, and they cook pies and cakes and everything ...It's great being a Prestonian. I'II never trade my birthplace for the world, 1 mean as for as being a Bhck woman from Preston because the community means a lot to me. And 1 have contributed a tot to the community ... East Preston is a great community and Preston is really a historic community ... And it's so interesting to radabout your history, to know what this community has contributed. So 1 love my communi ty...

K'hilc Ross espresses her communinr pride, she sadly cornments on the Çact thnt somc residcnts choose to discngage from their cornmunitv as a result of intcrnaliscd racism, which shc atuibutcs in part to the general negative portrayai of

Black pcoplc in the media:

Preston was always like an integrated area. but as [white] people became aware that they were living in Preston, they kept moving the Preston sign until it got to the la& house where the Black person lived. And as they kept doing that, then the community had to start fighting for its rights to make sure that those signs stayed where they were supposed to be. But 1 don? know why people feel that way, but as 1 said you know the only difference is the colour of Our skin.

Ross csplains further:

Wherever you go people have a tendency to want ta disassociate with the cornmunity. And like the Black community, if you have crime in the Black community, we're such a minority... it's sort of blown out of proportion. And you could have the same crime in the white community, which you could never hear about. But these are the things that you have to live with, but it shouldn't make us not to be proud of where we come from.

Being rew proud of her heritage is a feeiing she exudes as she nanates a particular historie event in Preston's history, involving Richard Preston: And 1: mean Richard Prcrton, he found his mothcr here as a slave when he came ta Canada looking for his mother. He found his mother right out by, when you were taken out to the church by Floyd and you came around a little buid. Thcre is a little house there and ... 1 don't think it is the same house but it is that araon that land is where he knocked on the door looking for his mother in the Black community. And when he asked, she soid she did not know him and when he turned he had a scar on his cheek and she opened the door again and asked him to come bock. And when he did and she looked on the scar on his cheek she knew it was her son ... So 1 am vcry proud of my comrnunity and it made me even prouder when 1 started Ieurning Black history and knowing what people contribute.

It should be noted that the name Richard Preston, according to Pachai (1990), hm no connection to the Preston community name. Richard Preston was from irirginia; hc escaped the slavish conditions there and arrived in Nova Scotia in 1816

(i\lesandcr & Glazc, 1996). He was 26 years old at the urne and part of his mission upon Icaving was to search for his mother (Pachai, 1990). Richard Preston's legacy rcsidcs in the creation of the African United Bapust hssociauon (AUBA), in 1854, and in the foundation of the Cornwallis Street, hfrican Baptkt Church, in Halifas, of which hc was thc first ordained pastor (Pachai, 1990). The AUBA was instrumental in mobilising Black people towards political change and education, through its cstnblishmcnr of various churches throughout the province of Nova Scotia, which scncd as ngcnts for such change (Pachai, 1990). Two pamcular organisations that wcrc formed becnuse of the communiry acùvism of the r\UBr\, were the Ladies

Ausilinn and the \Vomen's Institute of the Afiican United Bapust Association, both ot' which Ross was active in. Her involvement in both organisations is addressed larcr in hcr narrative.

As a child, the community of East Preston was a site of affirmation against the predinç belief of white supremacy and Black inferiorig. Ross recalls that she was taught to affirm herself and others by greeting people whcrever she went, but she latcr realised that the greetings were not to be extended to white people for her own protection. This was a lesson she learnt on her trips to the City of Hatifzx with her aunt. When she extended greetings to white people, she was acknowledged with racist rcmarks; however, it did not stop her €rom carrying on with pride:

[Alnd the white people would say 'nigger, nigger, nigger, Black sambo." We would just hang our heads and just keep walking 'cause that's the way we were brought up. And we always speak to everybody and even when we went to the City of Halifax, every Black person we sec we would speok to thern. We didn't even know them. Some of them would turn their heuds. It's just that when you arc brought up in a Black community, and you know everybody. you're brought up to speak to everybody you see. So when we grew up and got oldcr and wtnt to the city and we see Black people we would always speak and Say 'Good Morning" and 'Good Afternoon." But Cod knows where they came from or who they were but they wouldn't speuk to you, then we redise we are not in our community and what they probably meaning was speak to everybody in your community. But then there is no harm to speak to a person whether you know them or not so we still do that right to this very day. ii. Education

Ross' prima? school education began at the Paruidge River

Schocil whcrc she onlv completed grade eight. Because of the racist and segregated cducauon svstem, she was forced to end her education at that level. There were no high schools in her community, and the few integrated high schools in the City of

Flalihs were verv espensive. This was a very uaumauc expenence for Ross as a

Young girl as she wanted to be a nurse, teacher, and a missionary. Though she Iaughs nt thc fact that she aspired to d three professions, she recalls how upset she was at being forced to leave school:

1 know when 1 left school at fourteen 1 cried. And 1had a teacher, like Miss Inez Crornweli; she was one of my role models. It wus her and Mrs. Doris Evans and Mrs. Georgina Harper ... they were really teachers who cared: not just worrying about the education they wanted to make sure you got the butand you got good jobs and what not; and she really talked to my parents. and tried to tell me not to lave school. and we cried. But 1 was a person who constantly rad.

At the age of 14, Ross joined the workforce and worked as a domestic worker ar the Victoria Generd Hospital Nurses' Residence for 12 years, and while she a-orked, she kept up with her passion for reading

And 1 think 1 learned more by radin9 and travelling. thon 1 did going to school because there was experience. Even when 1 was working at the Residence, at dinnertime you'd sec me reading. 1 just love book. 1 like to rad... and then going and seeing for yourself. 1 like to travel. so ï've been a lot of places. I've beui to about seven of the islands. and I've been to the Holy Land, and I've been to Rome (laughs) and Italy... But as 1 says the f irst book that 1 got it was 'The Township." And 1 got that book from one of the ladies house that 1 worked in as a domestic. She had the book and 1 just happened to see it in her library. And 1 told her that I was reading it and looking through it. So 1 went to the bookstore in Halifax on Granville Street and 1 got them to order the book for me. 50 1 got it. because every book that you can put out about Blacks and every history book. 1 have it. 1 haven't radthem but I've got loads of them for the time that Sve got to just sit and read, to read them because 1 mean we have contributed so much and it's so interesting to radabout your history, to know what this community has contributed.

ils a mature student, Ross returned to school and took Sociology and

Ps\-choloq&- - courscs ac Mount Saint Vincent University, Haiifau. She later enrolled in thc Nova Scoua Teacher's College and in 1977 obtained her certificate in Early

Childhood Education. Ever since, she has furthered her learning by taking courses at

Mount Saint Vincent Universin? and Dalhousie University. Her passion for learning lcd hcr to encourage others Like herself, who had been denied an education, to return to school. She firrnly believed that one is never too old to learn:

[Alnd through doing that [returning to school] not only did 1think of myself. 1 thought of other people who are in the sarne boat, and that's when 1 came back and 1 contacted Dr. Auburn and Dr. Fogerty who was leaders. You know, they were organising under the Adult Education Department and so 1 organised Adult Education in the community. and 1 did that for about fifteen years ... So 1 got teachers to teach, and we had classes that would bring people from you know grade six up to grade twelve. After they would get grade ta, eleven, they would write a GED test and they could pass with thcir grade twelvc and those who wanted they could go further on into universitics and what not ... So not only did wc do upgrading, we had home sewing class and we had Black History clases... and a lot of people wmt through that route and they got better education and they got better jobs.

Ross' love for her community and devotion to its uplift propelled her toward nctivism, making it possible for her to think of others Like herself who had been dcnicd the op port uni^ of an education because they were Black. She wanted hem ro bclieve in themselves, enrich their lives, and to be proud of their identity, and this

scnsc of comrnunitv1 ride was what led Ross to initiate chaneesu that would make ber community self-sufficient. She believed that a sense of self-sufficiency would gcncntc a scnsc of pride among the residents; a sense of pride that would make them proud to idcnuf~with thcir communiry.

iii. Initiating Change

Ross' activism began with the East Preston Dav Care Centre. She believes that childrcn are the future of our heritage and thus works to ensure that they proudly idcntify with their communin.. bv. initiating change wherever necessary.

She recalls a pamcular incident thnt spenks to this point, a ume whcn the goxrnment claimed chat they were providing an integrated education for Black children. She analvses the fact that their notion of integrauon was predicated on

Black children abandoning their schools in their communities to go into the white schools. Moving them into the white schools was problematic because the curriculum did not validate the Black children's history and thus they felt devalued with no sense of heritage:

And the problem that really got me is when they wanted integration and ... in order to have integration they moved al1 the schoob out of the Black cornmunity for integration. And we really really fought hard for that, to try and bring it the other way around to... build a school in the Black comrnunity and let the white kids corne to the Black community. It's Jtill integration because when they f irst started doing this, and children moved out of the cornmunity, they had the schools supposed to be integrated but they would have al1 Black classroorns and so we had to f ight this... Yeah, like the Black students would be in one classroom and the white students would be in one classroom. So what was the difference! So we hod to really intervene there to make sure that wn'tthe same because they said the Biack kids' academic standards were so low that they couldn't compete... They shouldn't be in the same roorn with whites because white' education wos higher ... But anyway we overcame that ... That was about f ifteen ycors ago, maybe. No, not that long ago, even less because that's when my children were going to school then. You know, they were yowger in the school but.. and then too it rnakes the kiL, it makes people, the children in the cornmunity feel like Say, 'The only way 5 can get anything good is 1 got to lave my community in order to get it.' And then because of the education in the school system with Blacks, there was nothing positive taught in the school systern about Blacks. 50 peopie were ashamed because they thought they didn't contribute anything to society, and even some of the Black kids you had to...p ush them to take Black History because remernbering the pst, they felt it was the same [negative] thing. So if you're sitting in the clarsroom, anything in the History books would make you ashamed because of what they were teaching. And so 1 mean that's what we went through when we went to school ... But, however, it changed. And so the system ..A better, but not as good as we like it to be. There's still improvement to be made into the school systern, into the education systern. But thank Cod we've overcome that hhurdle. but we're still the only one cornmunity that has a Black school into it. That's in North Preston. Just maybe when we go back 1 can take you through that community. And we'll take you past the school. They have one of the best schools. They built a new school. ft's Nelson Wynder and they maintain their school, but al1 the other communities was smoller and because of the mixture, the communities it was casier to lose the schoob. But... ifs not something that everybody is happy with and 1 don't think we'll ever be happy with it because sorne people who left their community don't want to identify themselves back with their communi ty.

K'c might recall that the same criticism of the segregated education system that Ross

passionatelv expresses, is likened to those espressed by Shephard in her narrative. hnother example of Ross' initiative was her successhil lobby to get a school bus for the children's transportation to school:

When we was a child there wasn't a lot of cars, there wasn't even no paved highway. The highway was pved when 1 was about twelve years old, the first paved highway. 1 remember we used to walk to school, we used to have to walk all the way up to the school. We never had school buses until iriy children... Whcn we moved down here, we moved down the road and it was too too for for the children because there were a couple of children who got hit on the highway once the traffic started coming in. And so we decided the highway was too dangerous to have childrm walking on the highway. So we fought for transportation and we got it on the number seven highway and after we got it, we hod two stops. 50 1 used to stand up there and watch the corner and help the childrm get on the bus and what not. Then after, we were successful getting it for this main highway. Then there was childrui rho were living for off the highways. Then we fought to go into the short streets. So now we got four bus transportation ... But, everything you got you have to fight for, so 1 said we want a cornmittee fighting for bus transportation. 50 there's a lot of things that 1was involved in getting, pushing and fighting and we made a lot of history in this community, a lot of history. And as 1 says 1 was upstairs and every time 1 pick up a paper, 1 see my picture in it (laughs).

Ccminlv, Ross had role models that mobilisrd her towards change bu helping hcr belicvc in hcrself. Shc names them and reflects on the impact they had on her life

:ind how blessed she felt having them egg her on beyond the realm of domestic work

;ind thus aspire toward an educauon:

Well, as I soid in this community 1 had three teachers, and that was Georgina Harper, Doris Evans and Inez Cromwell. They were rny role models and then Gus Wedderburn, he was the person who, who helped me get going. If it hadn't been for hirn, 1 don? know, 1 probobly would be still doing nothing... but 1.1was always determined that 1 wasn't going to be scrubbing floors and cleaning houses the rat of my life. I always felt that there was going to be o way that 1 could do better and when the opportune time came, I took advantage of it. And ifs Gus Wedderburn who really got me on my way. He came here as a schoolteacher from Jarnaica and being a vocal speaker as he was, he was invited to speak at the Rotary Club in Dartmouth... He pleaded with them to start hiring Bbck people and he encouraged Black to continue their education so that they could get better jobs. And that's when the lady that 1 showed you on the day-cure wall, that was the first person to get o job in Steadmans [a store owned by Jewish people in barmouth, Nova Scotia]. 1 says well, the doors are turning and that's when 5 started to do something about it. And it seems that God always give me a vision and when he give me a vision and 1 osk him to help me to follow on that vision and get through it, he always doa. And so that's ...who my role rnodels were.

Ross always believed that in spite of the racist institutionahsed structures that forccd her to leave school at an early age and the racial durs addressed to her, she would succeed at whatever she did. She refused to be defined by the externalities of pcoplc's prejudice and bigotry and beiieve in herselE

And I never had, 1 can't say that 1 had a real real bad experience of being discriminated agoinst because after 1 grew up 1 knew 1 could always handle discrimination. And because 1 knew who 1 was, where 1 came f rom and 1knew 1 was somebody and no one was going to tell me any different and 1 know my people contributed. They may have cleaned your house, but you needed me and 1 needed you. And so no matter. rnaybe my job was a little Iess, but if 1 didn't corne to clan your house, how would your house get eleon. 50 becouse you needed me and 1 needed you we had to learn to get along together and we had to respect one another. And that was rny aim al1 the way through thot we had to learn to get along together, to learn to respect one another.

This uas Ross' habit of survival, refusing to bc objectified, and so she defined herself in affirming ways according to her own terms, a strate0 that according to Collins

(1 O9 1), mnny Black women employ while working as domestics. It is a mechanism cmploycd CO resisr the devaluauon of Black womanhood in the racialised workforce, so that womcn cm survive and thus provide for their families. Moreover, it was this land oi resisnnce that formed the basis for Black women's historical suuggle for communin. sunival. iv. Cornmunity Meanings & Organising

'But 1 would not let him tell me what 1 couldn't do. 1 said, 'Never say 1 can't do it."

In addressing her definition of community, Ross illustrates how one can be gdvanised toward self-agency when one conceptualises cornmunity as a site of rcsistancc:

The community to me is the place that you feel relaxed and happy and you feel a part of.... Being able to work with anybody no matter how nqative they are. You don't let negative bother you. you don? rupond negatively. If somebody responds negatively you respond positively with love. And as 1 always tell my childrui, like two wrongs don't make a right. So being able to... do what you want in the community and being able to help, and being able to take leadership without having a number of people to, like knock you down. or something. being succcssful. Sot 1think Ilve been able to accomplish a lot that 1 would have liked to accornplish in the community because I've had the support of the community. And when you have the support of the community that means a lot. So the few that you might not have the support of, it doesn't bother you cause you have the majority who is willing to work with you. Then the minority doesn't matter.

Shc hrther csplains how her sense ofcommunity cornes from the opportunity to hclp othcrs and give back just as God has given ro her in her own Me:

But 1, I will continue. 1 think it's in me. 1 can't stop helping people because there was a time in my life when 1 first got married and I really needed help. And 1 used to stand in the window and look out because whenever I...got ready to go someplace, my husband always had someplace to go and 1 just stand in the window crying and pray and say 'Lord if you ever give me an opportunity to get CI car. get a job where 1 can havea car, 1 will never bernw with it." And Isays, 1 willalways do for others ... 1 know how it feels like to really want sorneone to do something for you and be let down. And so 1 says, "1will never let anyone down" and I've seen myself taking two trips to take people to church because they won't ask anyone else.

It is cncouraging to hear Ross discuss some of the changes she implemented, which \r7cre infused br her conception of community and community betterment.

Shc happily lists her accomplishments knowing diat she has made a difference and

hns left an indelible mark in East Preston history: When 1 think about the things in this comrnunity that 1was the spark of getting started within the community, 1mean it was the recreation Centre, it was the day cure Centre, it was the Girl Guides, it was the Boy Scouts. You know these are major things that happened in this community that was really successf ul and when you think, alrnost, the majority of the things that was really started in the community came through my initiative by trying to encourage people and support anyone, encourage people to work with me to get something started. But you would never hear people suying it. When 1 look around the communi ty and 1 sec even the young people at the church, when 1was the first person to be the young pruident of the group in our church. And 1 was 16 when 1 was a young president. And we worked very hard and, and as 1says 1 had to pray to be that because when the older people wanted to step down. 1said "Lord, if you want me to do this, you gonna have to prepare me." And he did and 1 had to be the leader because 1says, if you're going to be a leader, you have to be different. You can't be a leader and go out and do the same things that the other young people do ... The group grew to 84 young people... So we had two groups, a junior group and senior group and we went everywhere. We was involved in convention m went al1 around... Halifax and the white churches and everythiq. We just had a tremendous time and 1 think it was because of the program.

As mentioned earlier, the East Preston United Baptist Church honoured Ross for hcr outstanding community and church work b\y making her a licentiate in Prison

Ministn and she speaks enthusiasticdly about the work she has done and continues to do in thc community through the church:

But as 1 says 1got baptised in 1953 when 1 was 13 and from that day 1started teaching Sunday School. And as 1 says Jve been teaching 45 years, 46 years Sve been involved but one yeur 1 didn't teach. So that's 45 years of teaching Sunday School. 1 was on the Church finance committee and 1served as a Building Fund Treasurer for Il yars. 1 was on the finance secretary for 16 years, was a rnember of our Ladies Auxiliary. 1 served as President of the Ladies Auxiliary. 1 served as Treasurer of the ladies Auxiliary. 5 served as Sick Committee Chairperson of the Ladies Auxiliary. 1 served as History Committee Chairperson of the Ladies Auxiliary and then 1 was involved in the African Women's Baptist Institute, which is a part of our African Baptist Association. And 1 served as President for the African Women's hptist Institute and as a young person 1 served on the Provincial, the Maritime Convention Young People's Group, which 1was part of writing the history; changing the group, from BYPU which was 8aptist Youth, it's changed to Baptist Youth Fellowship, from BYPU ...Bop tist Young People's Union... IWK [Grace Hospital] wants to pick my brains because 1 would like to get a Health Centre going in the community cause there's always something else and we got it partly started. But in order for me to be successful getting it off the ground, I've got to get rid of [stop working at] the day-care because 1can't do it and concentrate on the Health Centre because 1 believe in hard work ... And rrn presently involved with the Church Counselling Team and in between that I'm involved in the prison ministry, which started f rom our Sunday school Bible cluss. We started, because at that time the church wasn't deeply involvcd in Prison Ministry and for a lot of people who just thought maybe that was a waste of time, and that we shouldn't be doing that. But we've seen a lot of changes by going and we've been rquested to come. So we go to Halifax Correctional Centre [and] Women's Prison in Truro the third Sunduy in each rnonth. And we go to the Women in Sackville, the second Tuesday and we go to the men the fourth Monday. So there's thrce timcs a month. 50 now 1 have 21 volunteers and we have a schedule where we go and do that... I want Prison Prevention Ministry. And thot rneans getting to the young people before they get into trouble, and getting people to corne in and try to get drugs out of the community, and things like that bccause 1 think... what gets a lot of people into trouble is drugs.

Ross bclieved that to foster a positive interest in the lives of outh, that the Girl

Guides and Boy Scouts organisations would be useful additions to the community:

Well, the Girl Guides, we in 1980, I rernember at the day care Centre, and there was this lady... a white lady named Sally Masenger. And I've always thought about starting something for the young people... And so she come, she says Tve been trying to get Guides in Preston for the long time. You don? know anybody who is interested?" And at that time I was the superintendent of the Sunday School. So 1 says "Okay, T'Il take it back to the Sunday school teachers and we'll discuss it and try to get somebody." 50 we did and JO half the Sunday school teachers wanted to be involved and we got them involved. And we opened up registration, and we got people involved. And we opened the Boy Scouts and got young people, young boys involved in that. So in 1980 we had a strong Girl Guides going in Preston...

With thc success of her community organising, Ross reminds us of the strugglc to achieve her goals while she Çaced some trials dong the way. She narrates hcr dcterminxion to actualise her dreams:

I say if the Lord is my light and salvation, he is my shepherd, 1shall not want. So therefore, 1know if 1 put God before me and 1 work together with people, that al1 things will go well. And 1 remember when we had the [day care] committee going and we were really struggling. We were trying to get funding and everything. Itjust seemed like every door was closing. And then finally the minister in charge of community services, that day when we talked to hirn about it, he says, '1 don't know where you are coming from with the big ideas," he says, "because there is no money to build any day care Centre." He says, 'Ifyou ore so scrwt," he mys, 'You go and get the building and we'll subsidise the children." 50 1 looked at him and said, Thank you very much sir, we will and we will be back." 1 got out and it was five of us and 1 said to the other lady. 1 said. 'Well, that wasn't very encouraging, wor it?" 1 said. 'Whot do you think we should do now?" They -id. 'Well, what are you gonm do?' 1 says, 'Well I'm not prepared to give up." They said. 'Well, we'll han9 with you." And that's al1 1 needed to hear. when they said they'll stay with me. 1 says. 'Well we'll keep fighting this battle." And so we did and when wc went to training we al1 got involved in the extended program at the Child Dcvclopment and when we gradwted in 1970, that picture's down on the day care wall. and when wc graduoted. where wa~1 Sitting? Right buide him [the minister of community services] at the head table and Dr. Jane Norman, she knew how hard 1 worked and said, 'Come on Joyce, 1 want you to sit up here." I was at the table rubbing shoulder to shoulder. And you know from that day on, now he's involved with the senior citizens. he thinks 1 am the greatest person on earth. But 1 would not let him tell me what 1 couldn't do. 1said, 'Never say 1 can't do it."

Ross' philosophy, "Never say I can't do it' was the motivation that she and the dav carc committee members needed to lay the foundation of the historical day care sitc. In addition to the basic services offered at the day care, the Centre houses a

Fnmil~Hcalth Rcsources Centre. The Centre has undergone four expansions since its incorporation and Ross provides a picture of the expansion:

And so what makes Our childcore Centre unique is because we. we don't only offer for the children, we offer special reading program. we offer parenting program. you know, where parents can corne together and teach them how to dcol with the children. We have a pruratol progrom, which is sponsored by Health Canada. and so if teenagers get pregnont we teach ?hem how to take care of the children even though we don't encourage it. We hope that they didn't. but if it happens that there's a place they can go and there's a supplement that we give them. 50 we have a number of programs and now we have heulth programs because we have a lot of children with osthma so we've been partnerships with the IWK Croce Health Centre now. And we do asthma programs so we're looking forward to getting more health programs implernented into the fomily health research Centre, which the day care Centre operates.

Shc gcocs on to demonstrate the growth of the staff and the increase in child attendancc from othcr communities:

And I remember when we got the day care Centre going there wa~some people in the comrnunity that says, 'Give it six months. and it will be f lat on its bock." And 25 years later we are stilt going and we have 25 employees full-tirne, yeur round and we have 115 children. And so we have a lot to be thanMd and we have over 150 children on the waiting list. That's why we'rc saying I'vc to go bock to work to sec who we are going to take off the waiting list. And even thoqh we serve Ea~tPreston and nine surrounding communities. when we got started there were some people in Preston that werc so sure that we weren't going to make it. We started with 32 children and al1 of those children wasn't from Preston... We had 65... enrolled in registration; we had 65 subsidiscd scats. 50 after the people in this community seen other communities bringing their children in, then that's when everybody started coming from this community ... do somc people got so far to say why should we be taking children from other cornmunitiu when we should be taking care of Preston first. WeII 1 do takc care of Preston, you know ... We're integrated ... But 1 said when Preston had the opportunity they didn't take it. So we had the staff and we had to subsidise seats, so it didn't matter to us who came as long as, you know, children needed it. We really want, would have liked to have cvery child in Preston go [to the day care] but that's not so. And you never get it. 1 meun there's no way you gonna get 100% of the people doing the thing you want to do but we do well. And we're happy with what we do and as 1 says, 1 won't regret it. The job's the most stressf ul job you could ever have. It can gct on your nerves sometime but through it al1 1 just learn to trust in Juus and 1LOVE IT. 1 really love it. It's gonna be hard for me [to retire]. That's why they are fooling around and they won't get me somebody to train and they're saying I'm not gonna lave.

Ross is ver pleased with the progress of the Centre. The expansions have made ir possible to offer services that take an integrated and community approach to child-care, which address the needs of the parents and their health concerns. For

Ross, this is the essence of community betterment, which is considering the needs of individuals so that the needs of the community are met. She believes that this approach to child-care is the underlying reason for the national recognition the day cnrc rcccived in rhc aforementioned hmerican magazine:

50 this is what 1think makes our program more unique than others because we were just recognised nationally as you know, one of the top tui day care Centre in Canada. And we represented Nova Scotia so that speaks very highly of us. We were told that we were in the top ten but no one ever told us where we were at, whether one or ten. They wouldn't tell us that and I don't care because 1 don't do things for praise. f'd rather get my reward in Haven but 1 just try and do the help but as I says there's a lot of people who speak highly of us but 1 never praise ourselves. I just try to do the butyou can because no motter what you do. you know. everything is not perfect. You are going to have your problems, you're gonna have your ups and downs but you do the batyou can. LVihat also makes the Centre unique are some of the changes that have been institutionalised with respect to standardised testing in early childhood education.

Ross enthusiasacally explains how these changes materiahsed and why they were ncccssan:

When we had those 96 children in Patridge River School... f ifty of them, they said needed remedial help. And when I asked him what was the problern. and then he started telling me they were giving them this city wide oriented tut. 1.9.tut. So 1 told him that was not fair and so we fought to get it changed. 1 mean escalators and elevators and light switches. Some half of the children didn't even have electricity in the homes and so they got the change. 1 said give them a horse and wagon or larnps and things like that. Thot's what they are used to seeing. Some of these children. first timc they arc out of their home is to go to school... Here are adults in the community. don't know what escalators are... I said if 1 wasn't a person who rada lot and travelled a lot 1 probably wouldn't know what an escalator is.

This esample of the escalator is a very poignant one that cautions about the

usc nt' whitc urban and middle class standards of knowledge as a normalised measure

of intclligencc and performance. This issue was discussed in the previous chapter as

it rclatcd to the machinations of imitative intellectuality. Ross' sentiments reflect the

significant criticism of the pedagogical tools used to reflect ideologies of universalisrn

and cthnoccntrism in our educational svstem. By challenging the notion thnt al1

childrcn have knowledge of cenain esperiences, that white children's esperiences can

bc particularised to those of Black children, or more to the point that Black children

ought to know of those Çoreign experiences, Ross validated the Black children's own

espericncrs bv insisting that thev be tested on knowledge of their own environment.

Following hcr challenge of the standardised testing, and the resulting changes, there

[ras an improvement in the children's performance. In light of the children's improvement, Ross was requested to assist other children in their performance.

50 we got that changed and so then 1 asked him, what is the problem that you are having ... they told me. We went to the school and 1 said 'Now you give me a list of your problems and we will work on it." So the f irst ywwe did... and ... when we went ... back... we asked the teachers how we were doing, is everything working okq. They say yes, you know they came great but thur the second year we went to ask them they çoy that one of the problems was we were letting them write their letters and names in uppercase letters and it took a whole yeur, as much as a whole year to get them to change. So then we ruliscd that what you learn under five years old is crucial in your life and its good that you have a good foundation. 50 we changed that and we've been still working on that. And then after that they started telling us that we've been making the children too ready for school. And when the officiais from the school board corne out with the principal from another school to find out what we were doing and wc just told them. And they said, '1s there any way you could work with other people?" 1 says well if they want to but 1 have a job here to do ... 1 meon you could tach people what you like but if they don't have the common sense to apply what you're teoching, then it still don't make no differuice. But we are here for the sak of the children and making a difference. And now the last, about five years ago they said the children was too ready and they came and asked us if we could pull back. 1 says no because the school system should be able to adapt to what we are doing. If we have a child who is progressing fine we progress them, now we [start with numbers] one to five. Once a child can identify one to five, we go to one to ta. And we give them the challenges and 1 feel the school system should be able to do the same thing. The school systern can't change, I'm not changing. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to give them as much as 1 con. So now the kids from the day care Centre is going to school being bored the first year because they're telling the teachers we did this in day care, we don't want to do and then there is behaviour problems. And 1 think the school systern should be able to deal with that and try to do something for thue kids... but you sec what it is with al1 the cutbuck, they get too mny children in one classroom. Then they have these children who don't go to day Centre. Like they tell us ...the differencu ... like a child that went to the Centre and a child that didn't. They say the differuice is between day and night and 1 Hill says, that is not my problem. We organise ourselves for a purpose and that is what we try and do, accomplish. How it al began "1 am not an '1" person."

In celebrating the role that community othermothers play in creating positive change in rheir communities, 1 asked Ross to share how she became interested in communiry development:

When you think of how 1 came to be involved in the araof work that I'm doing, it's li ke one thing Ied to the other. AS 1 had said first, I liked to be a missionary, a nurse. It became about wanting to help somebody and coming from a large family, when you always have to share that responsibility of helping bring the fami ly up and doing things. 1 remember when 1 got a job, we still had a wood f urnace, we didn't have a fridge and E bought the first fridge that we had for our house and 1 used to have to bring up the childrcn, like buy cloth~and things for them. And 1 wos always a person who valued everything.

Thc love and care she felt growing up, and the sense of responsibility she had towards her hrnilv, infused her with the same sense of responsibility toward her cornrnunity. Hcr urging to anyone dedicated to bringing about change and creating a scnsc of agrncy, is to never give up:

You goma have your ups and downs but when you got Jesus you got a foundation, you got somebody to leon on and you can take your troubles lightly. But if you don't have Cod ...y ou give up cosy. You're a fighter but remember you've got to be patient, you've got to be humble. He always maka a way. So 1 mean, any obstacles that 1 came through, Cod was able to bring me through. 1 just prayed myself through it. As 1 says, I give him al1 the praise and al1 the glory for al1 the accomplishments, that 1 have been able to Iead other people through with me because 1 said rve never did anything of myself because 1 am not an T" person. I feel1 might initiate an idem but if 1 had no one to work with me, nothing would have happened. So you have to give credit to all those people who helped to work with you.

In response to some of the criucism she has faced from those who question

hcr crcdibilin. because she does not have a universi- degree, Ross emphaticaiiy States

that she is equally intelligent as the next person. She also adds that she had the

opportunin- to pursue a universitv degree but was already cornrnitted to her position as director at the Centre. Besides, she States that she does not require a University accrediration to feel validated because her validation cornes from knowing that she has workcd ven hard to provide a sound foundation for children's educaaon, and has succeeded enormously.

On the same subject of titles, 1 asked Ross if she would cal1 herself an activist to gct an undcrstanding of how she would describe herself in relation to her role in rhc community. This is what she said:

I get al1 kinds of nomes for al1 kinds of things that 1 don't really think that 1 hold those titles. 1 mean, you know it took me the longest time because they had a...Black Business & Professional Women's Group and someone asked me to join and 1 said I'm not a professional. 1really never took that title as a profusional. 1 mean even 1 didn't redise till we was at one meeting... Because everyone think it's [the day care] a service, [that] you're not providing a businas. But then when we wos at this Black business meeting, we had about 36 people in the room and everyone had to go around and tell what they did. And when I said how many employea [we had at the dq care]. we were the highest Black employee in al1 the Black people in Nova Scotia... ZS full-time jobs year round. Thot's more than anyone haand ... 1 wos shocked when everybody start talking about it... And I'm swing. well geu! To me. I just take it lightly. You don't think that. But when you get out into the world. and when you talk about what you do and the things you do, that's when people highly recognise what you do and they talk about it and they lift you up. 1 mean there're people who says things, and 1 just wonder how they get so much [information] but I think it is by the word of mouth... We serve people al1 arouid. like f rom Dartmouth straight through to Lake Echo to Porter's Lake and it's people who came through Our Centre who talk. 1 mean we even had people who wrote up pieces. and the magazine. talking about what care they got. Now we8redoing this history book [on the day care Centre] and you should see the letters that is coming 'cause we want a parent's section. And 1 asked al1 the parents if they could write o comment about how they rated the Centre. or if the Centre rneant anything to them. And you should sec the number. the things that we got from some of the parents. And it just maku you feel good when you sec even some of the white parents who said how they was doubtful whether they wanted to send the children, but they took a chance. And the difference that it made in their children's lives, you know.

This is Ross' reward because she feels uplifted knowing that she has made a

difference in people's lives. When she took iil Iast vear, she was rerninded again of how much she was valued in the community. Her church famiiy, people in her communitv and surrounding communities reached out to her and her farnily and assisted with her house choies and meal preparations. She was pleasantly surprised with how much care and love she received and as she narrates this expenence, one psaglirnpse of the community spirit she is surrounded by:

... 1 have been sick since June the 2ath [1999] so I've been just drained right off of my feet because 1 just work too long hours and I'm constantly giving and one thing 1 can say is that during the the1 was sick, 1 got the sume thing in rcturn. People came. They brought food. They come and clcon my house. They come and have prayer services with me. They brought me the communion from the church. 1 mean 1really have a loving church family. 1 couldn't ask for anything more. People who couldn't make it, people phoned. people sent cards. It's just that 1, it made my hart feel good to know that therc was so many people out there who cared and there was so many people who wanted to... bring food when 1 couldn't even eat it. And 1 was saying. 'pleasc don't bring me no food. 1can't eat it." But then there was food for rny husband, you know. Likwhen he would come home the mals was coming ... 1really didn't know 1 had so many friends and so many people who cared until 1was in the house so long and was sick. One lady ...three weeks she went by and she seen rny car in the yard and she said, 'Look Joyce hos to be sick." And she phoned me and she said ...she didn't know 1 was sick. So people from al1 communities, 1 meon Hammonds Plains, North Preston. Cherry Brook, East Preston, called me and prayed for me on the phone. So it makis, 1 feei better now thon 1 ever felt because of so much support, so much concern that was given to me while 1 wos sick ... But community as I: said, that's the community when you can love and shore. So much love has been shown to me ... 1 couldn't ask for anymore.

At the tirne of the interview, Ross was preparing for the day care's 25th

annivcrsan celcbration and so she had Ume to reflect on the recognition she received

oïcr thc -cars and the road she travelled to get to this point:

1 feel happy because of what I've done but I'm not feeling proud because 1feel 1 made a difference in this community. And, and 1feel I've made a difference in everybody that 1 worked with and work for and so now Sm beginning to see because 1 hear people saying things. A lot of people won't come and tell you but a lot of people has come and told me, so 1 feel that things has been not too bad. ...1 am really looking forward to a major celebration because 25 years of working in your own Black community with your own 8lack people. it is not cosy. 1man you almost got to be made of Stone and 1find if 1 don't pray every morning before 1 leave here, you pray everyday. You're comtantiy pruying for God to guide you, to give you the patience. Becouse 1 mean you got to work twice as hard to work with your own than if you went out and worked with someone else. The upectotion is more.

The expectation is more" sentiment addresses the burden of the double edge sword in the lives of Black professionals, faced with having to work with limited resources while tn*ingto rcmain effective and credible in their work. They may be perceived as having powcr to insùtutionalise change, yet it is a fdse sense of power if one is forced to work hard to merely survive with Limited resources. Furthermore, where Black professional women are concerned, "due to cultural conditioning and traditional cspcctations about women held by both men and women, ail of us have a double load to carn.. .This reality requires an emaordinary amount of dedication and motivation in ordcr to succeed" (Andrews, 1993, p. 191).

Shanhg impressions

MI-immediate impressions of Blackness in Halifax, Nova Scotia, led mc to rhis uork as it crented an interest in learning about the history and esperiences of

Black Nova Scotians. 1 shared some of these impressions with Ross and she offered hcr intcrpretations, shedding Ligbt on the esperiences of Black Nova Scotians. Below

1s an csccrpt of our dialogue:

Chioma: [Wlhen 1 first arrived at the airport, Halifax airport, 1 thought 1 would be orriving and seeing Black people al1 over the place and it was nothing like that.

Ross: Now that's the same as my friends from Florida. When they came, they thought they was going to ses Black people in al1 the stores and everything but little did they see that very few in nurnber. 1 rnean there's a lot of hidden discriminution, or silent discrimination ... so you're not gonna sec a ma~kof Black people in anywhere. We're few in numbers scattered... It's just been about ten years ago since you start seeing Black people in the Banks. The Banks would never hire Black people, never but, it's only been about ten years ago or a little more that you would see Black faces. That's something you would never sec. They jus* figure Black people would steal money, they won't hire them. They would have them secretaries... behind in the offices but not at the front.

Chioma: [Il kept thinking about my, my thoughts about living here, what 1was observing... Then with a lot of help from talking with professors [and Bhck Nova Scotians], 1 started thinking maybe 1should actually talk to people, talk to some women and sec what is going on, what's happening because we often don't hear about it [Black women's experiences]... Like you said, this community... is so rich with history and 1 wouldn't have known it.

Ross: That's why the Black Cultural Centre is there because of Our history. The Black Nova Scotian's history has been so hidden and so destroyed and rewritten to put us in a bad position. That's why the Black Cultural Centre was founded to give us a positive image. And so every time somebody cornu [to visit me] they come and 1 don? mind. And when 1 go over to the University 1 met one African girl, 1 forget which country she was from. She was ut Mount Saint Vincent for two years and didn't know there was Black cornmunitics. Hadn't saw a Black person, likc that lived here, in the whole two years. She wos ready to go back. She was going. 1 says it's too bad because 1 says we should have something up in al1 the hotels and in al1 the universitics talking about the Black community. so that when you get students from the African countries, they can Say well this is a Black comrnunity who welcomes people, and its Black churches are there.

Ross rccailed a time when she extended this welcoming spirit to some visitors wlio wcre parucipaung in an International Women's Conference in Halifax. She offercd to cake them around to let them know of the vibrant community of Black pçoplr in Nova Scotia, in spite of the seerning invisibilicy:

[Alnd same as Katie, the one who writu that magazine from Ghana, when she came here... they came here for International Women's trip, and at the last minute the Mount Saint Vincent organised this trip. but they ... they didn't have any Black people involved and a lot of people were coming from the African Countries. And nobody from the Black cornrnunity was involved with Mount Saint Vincent on this trip. And nobody knew. So at the last minute that they were here in Canada and after they were here, there wos no Black people invited to welcome or to talk ta thern. So what hoppened, 1 got a cal1 and several of us got a cal1 one day to meet them at the North End Library. So when we met, we introduced ourselves to thern and then 1 talked about my community and everything and I...invited them to corne to the community and 1 said well 1 have a van. Our deaconas hos a van. We'll pick you up... But 1 think al1 and al1 there wos about fifty people from the Africon countrie there... and so the ones that came with us 1 took them to our church and I...I had my grandmother, the one that 1 showed you that died and her aunt, the one that use ta sing, and 1 had the piano. And we took them all through the Black communitiu with the van. 1 took them to Pastor Rev. Skier, becouse he woo a great historian... 1 took them to church and he...g ove them good Nova Scotia history and thui we came here, mother and aunt. We was al1 up, like six o'clock and we cooked al1 this food... everybody wa~ sitting al1 over the place eoting.

Reconnecung with Our Hen0tage

The mcaning of community has no geographical boundary, for Ross, which is whv shc is nlwars interested in making visitors welcome. Her strong sense of hentage makcs hcr cnthusiastic about educaung others about her herirage so that they cm cquallv havc a rooted identity that affirms their identity.

Rcconnccting with one's roots, is what Ross esperienced when in 1792, dong u-ith four Black Sova Scotians, she embarked on a trip to Sierra Leone to reconnect with an important period in the history of Nova Scotia, which occuned 200 years ago. This histon- is that of the 1792 forced migration of Black Nova Scotians to

Sicrra Leone, which was headed by Thomas Peters, one of the "Black Pioneers."

Thc forced migration occurred because of the dissatisfaction of Black people n-ho sctdcd in Nova Scotia from the United States, foilowing the defeat of the British b\- the ;\incricans during the 1775-1783 hmerican Revolution War (Pacha., 1990).

The British qovernment offered to the hmerican Blacks, both free and slaves, tieedom, land allounents, and gants, in their North hmerican colonies in exchange for their loraln-. . during the war (Pachai, 1990). The Black pioneea, an ail Black regiment estabLished in New York by the British, was especiaiiy integral to the arrny labour resenre needed on the British lines. Soliciting the services of the Black pioneers and slaves was also an attempt to disrupt the Amencan colonies in the south and its slave labour economy (ïulloch, 1975). According to Tuiloch (1 975), the

British "hoped for cheap labour and eager soldiers. They also knew that a slave revolr would be a powerful weapon affainst the U.S. economy and the U.S. army" (p.

8). In eschange for their freedom, the people pledged their loyale to the British, hence thev were referred to as the Black Loyalists.

Bi- this time, the Loyalist settlements were aiready formed in the Mariames and Quehec by the white United Empire Loyalists who had fled the United States in

1-75 whcn the war broke out (Hill, 1981). According to Hi11 (1981), the British govcrnmcnt cncouraged this settlement to the white loyalists, offering them

inccntivcs such as administrative posiaons, sizeable portions of land, and permission

tr) brins dong their slaves.

B\- 1-83, the British lost the war, which resulted in a considerable evacuation

British colonies, a large percentage wcnt to the West Indies and many went to other

British provinces in North i-ericasuch as Quebec and Nova Scotia; Nova Scotia

had the largcsr settlement (Winks, 1997). Grant (1990) States that a number of 3,000

to 3,500 Bliicks were estimated to have setded in Nova Scotia.

Cnlike the white loyalists, the Black Loyalists did not receive the promised

provisions of land allotment and grants (Winks, 1997). 0- a few of the Black pioneers received their provisions, however, the pieces of land ailotted were barren and roc-, and the Living conditions were generally poor (Winks, 1997). Thomas

Perers, one of the Black Pioneers, sought compensation for the Med promises by the British. The agreed terrn was the emigration of the Black settlers to Sierra Leone for the! could not retum to the United States (Winks, 1997). In 1792, about half of the Black Xlaritimers joined in the exodus to Sierra Leone (Pachai, 1990).

I offer this very brief summary of this history to contextualise the importance of Ross' trip to Sierra Leone. Below she speaks of the wonderfui urne she had on the trip and shares somc moments:

Sierra Leone Trip took place in November 1992. Itwas organised by a Rev. Eustus Mead in Toronto. He had taken a Toronto delqation to Sierra Leone years ago. ...[T]hat was one of the foscinating trips that 1 went on, because the Sierra Leone trip wm a migration. They were celebrating their 200'~Anniversa ry... the people leaving Shelburne in Nova Scotia, going back to Sierra Leone because when they shipped here as slaves. they found it too cold to live here and stay here. So ...half of thern went back to Sierra Leone and half stayed. So the half that stayed. they settled in Birchtown in Shelburne and in Nova Scotia and New Brunswick... When these people went back to Sierra Leone, it meant that some people were here that were still relatives of people in Sierra Leone. 50 when the opportunity came, and they were trying to get this trip going, 1 thought a lot of people were going and 1 said yeah. I'II go. 1 like to travel ... But not a lot of people went ... three of us frorn Nova Scotia: that was myself, Miss Doris Evans, and Wayne Hamilton and Rev. Eustus Mead from Ontario and a reporter. Itwas a foscinating trip. When we got to Sierra Leone, and when we landed. we were just like, I mean 1 know what it's like now to be a dignitary (laughs) because when we landed, we were ucorted into the airport. They had a special roorn for us. They took al1 our passports. They had changed Our money and everything. We didn't have to do anything. Then they escorted us out into a bus and we drove into Sierra Leone. Freetown. It was just like the olden days when we were a child because there was no electricity, it was lamplights and it was really, really dark road... and it was so hot. And we had to get on a boat first and then after we got off the boat and then we had to travel on bus to get to the home. And we lived in homes and the people were very very nice. We lived in a nice home, but there was ...a lot of p hces that weren't as nice. But you see that everywhere you go. You sec good und bad. And we lived in a nice home. big just like this house... Shc conunued to share the sense of importance she felt on the trip:

We talked on the radio and... they were thinking that we were people who were Decision Makers. And then we had f lags. because we took f lags f rom Canada [and] Nova Scotia. and... they give us flags ...And then when we were travelling on a highway. like al1 of the cars had to be stopped and searched... They would just %y, we had the Nova Scotia belqation. and wave on. You know every place we went. it was really just like the red carpet was hid out. 50 one day there was a lady who 1 called from here because 1knew she was from Freetown, and she wa~going back the same tirne we was. And the strangcst thing happcned. When we were on the boat, she was on the same boat. And then she recognised the name and then she said. 'Are you the lady that called me earlier a couple of days ago?" 1 said yeah. Her Mme was Elizabeth Lukes. And 1 said "Ycs," and so we wtrt introduced. So she invited us to her house on a Saturday afternoon tea. And oh boy, it was so relaxing becaose no cameras was around (laughs), nobody was around you, no dignitaria. and you could jus* feel at home and 1 says -Oh goodness 1 would not want to be a dignitary because 1 just couldn't live like this" (laughs). And 1 meon everywhere we went ... we were top-notch professionals. and dignitaric~and we were just trcoted like royalty... but 1 mean it was a great ucperiulce. It wos an experience that I'll never f orget ...

Ross's scnse of community was evidcnt while she was in Sierra Leone as she took along some items that would be usefui to the children:

People, 1 guess when you are from Canada they figure that you have a lot of rnoney and you con give a lot, but we took a lot of stuff like pencils and crayons, you know things that they thought that would be a good uchange. And give them and the little children... 1 rnean they were so appreciative the things that our children just take for granted because it's so free to get here... 1 mean pencils and purs ... had 1 known two days prior to us going. 1 could have taken a lot more but then 1 just got the cal1 saying from Henry [Bishop] at the [Black] Cultural Centre saying that you could take that sort of stuff. So then 1 went downtown and 1 bought a little. and I could have gathered up more... So if 1 ever go again to any of the African countries. 1 have an idea of what it's like.

Remembering Other Brave Organisu-ig

One cannot miss Ross' passion for Life especiaiiv when she proclaims, "1 just lovc history," as it becomes obvious in her own efforts to make histoq- and remember histoq*in a way that e~chesand honours. An example of one such effort is the hisrorical work, authored by East Preston Ladies Auxiliary (1987), which Ross passed on to me. This book commemorates the 69th anniversary of the East Preston

Ladies Ausiliaw and was a collaborative effort of Mary Glasgow, Verna Thomas, and

Ross, :dl of who are members of the Ladies Auxiliary Cornmittee.

The Ladies Ausiliary was formed when the African United Baptist Association

of Nova Scotia began to recogmse the sigmficant role that Black women played in

orpnising church activities and participating in the mandate of African Baptist

cliurches. In 1854, Rev. Richard Preston, whom was spoken of eariier, caiied a

rnccting for rlfrican Nova Scotian Baptists to consider the idea of forming a

collcctirc to represent dl the Afiican Baptist churches in Nova Scotia. The idea of a

collccuvc wns accepted and the African United Bapust hssociaaon of Nova Scotia

\vas torrncd.

Thcre werc no women in this collective but that changed 63 years later when

"the\ rcalizcd they could accomplish greater things, if they allowed the women to

bccomc involred. These men made it quite clear they needed help from the women"

(East Preston Ladies Auxiiiary, 1987, p. 11). Black women were very active in the

church, and as of 1891 thev anended annual meetings of the hfrican United Baptist

:\ssociauon and bepn to address V~~OUSneeds of the community, including that of

cducation (Hamilton, 1983). Bv 1913, each of the churches aff~atedwith the

association had a wornen's missionarv socien; (Harmlton, 1983). Reahsing the significant contribution the women would make to the association, its rnembers requested that a woman representative €rom the individual churches be sent to their next meeting. The association wanted to discuss the dcvelopment of a women's group that would assist with the church's activities. On

September 3, 1717 in East Preston, a group of 22 women from the member churches of the association hcld their first meeting and gathered around the weil on the church gounds. Hence, this histone event was referred to as 'The Meeting at the well," or

"Thc Womcn at the well" (Hamilton, 1793). Foilowing this historically significant meeting, dcscribed as "the first organized society in the church" (East Preston Ladies

,\usilia~~,1987, p. 79), the women's organisation became known as the "Ladies hsilian.77

"The women at the well" phrase came to symbolise the beginning of community activism because the wel was "where the seeds of the organization had bccn sown" (East Preston Ladies Auxiliary, 1987, p. 15). To honour the legacy and actiïism of thc womcn at the wel, and to acknowledge those who have continued in thcir hotsteps, 1 name the pioneers of the Ladies Auxiliary: Sisters Louisa Bundy,

Louise Byrd, Xlaggie Clavton, Sarah Clavton, Isabel Diggs, Jane Hamilton, Mary tlowcll, M.Joncs, Rufus Marsman, Martha hiiddeton, Sarah Mddleton, Edith

Samucls, C. Snunders, Man. Saunders, Maude Soarks, Muriel Sparks, Eliza Tolliver,

.\lnrpret Cpshaw, Rachel Upshaw, Julia William and Bessie Wyse (East Preston

Ladics Ausilias, 1987). Following the establishment of the organisation, the women decided to organise subsidiary audiaries in the various Afncan Baptist churches in Nova Scotia.

For csample, Sister Sarah Clayton, an executive of the Ladies Auxiliary encouraged other women to take up the challenge to organise. According CO East Preston Ladies husilian (1987), she "Çocused her attention around the well in her community, where thc sccds had bcen sown. She sounded a cal1 to the ladies of her community to cirgmize. Through her love for God's work, East Preston was iiluminated" (p. 15).

Following a vear after the first meeting of the Ladies Auxiliary, the East

Preston chaptcr \vas creatcd. With harsh economic conditions, funding was a problcm but these women succeeded in raising funds through concerts, cntcrtainment events, and annuai dues to mcet their mandate. The mandate covered n range of issues. From home mission work, organising other women's group in dl thc :\frican United Baptist i\ssociauon churches, to raising funds for the churches, thc association, and the Nova Scoaa Home for Coloured Children (Hamilton, 1993).

Thrcc vears later, they successfully made donations and conuibutions to the church, the African United Baptist r\ssociation and the Nova Scoua Home for Coloured

Children (thmilton, 1993).

The Nova Scotia Home for Coloured Children was formed in 1917 by various

Ulack cornmunity organisations and the Afican United Baptist Association played a maior role in its formation (Pachai, 1990). The Home was necessary for Black orphans who were neglected and refused admission to white institutions responsible for orphans (Pachai, 1990). According to Hamilton (1993), the minutes of the 1920 meeting of the association indicare the total donation by all the Ladies Au?ùliary chapters to the Home. One notation reads:

The Ladies r\u?uliaries of the Afncan United Baptist Association have done splendidly, and we beiieve their accomplishments will be quite surprising. In 1917, thev raised $170,1918 they raised $368,1919-20, they raised over $1 100 for the r\ssociation and the Home. (qtd. in Hamilton, 1993, p. 196)

Hamilton cmphasises the sigmficance of such contributions when she says, "It should bc remcrnbcred that this activity was taking place dunng the post-war period, when scgrcgation was legal and blatant, and when the vast maiority of Black people were prcvcntcd from cver reaching junior or senior high school" (1993, p. 196).

Esccrpts of minutes from the East Preston Ladies Auluiiary meetings are inscrtcd in thc aforemenuoned commemorative book. Details of the minutes give mca protound sense of ancestry and fellowship as one reads of contributions that thc women made in their communinr. One also develops an appreciauon for their hard work, accomplishrnent, and growth in the midst of great economic hardship. As

1 rcad thc minutes, I had a warm smile on my face as 1 imagined their discussions and strategics for mobilisation. With such warmth, I share some of the minutes, which thnuthors of the commemontive book happilv insen with their introduction:

hIanr hardships, including a lack of funds, prevented Our pioneer sisters from recciving a high standard of education. Sorne could neither read nor write, but rccorded minutes show, they cariied on business in a professionai manner. We would like to share with ousome escerpts frorn the 40's and 50's minutes book. (East Preston Ladies Ausiliary, 1987, p. 17)

Somc sclcctcd minutes read:

August 26, 1941 - Motion - The ladies give Rev. Wyse a $3.00 gift Aupst 25,1942 - Motion - Ladies have 4th Sunday in September for W'omen Day May 18, 1943 - Motion - To pay $600.00 to help with bdding of vestiary of our church Septcmber 18, 1945 - Motion - Sis. Cromwell give opening address for Women Day 3100 service. Sis. Colley give short prayer, sis. Wise give Long prayer. Sis. Ewing give opening address at 7p.m. service and sis. Smith give short prayer. Motion - Sis. Diggs and sis. Fletcher see that sister --- be called to neat meeting.

Scptcmber 16,1947 - Motion - We invite the ladies €rom North Preston Audiary to have a program 5th Sunday of November. Ushers: Sis. Slughter, Sis. Glasgow. Januarv 18,1949 Motion - It was suggested that inquiries be made regarding the Ladies have Easter Sunday for benefit of the school. (East Preston Ladies rluriliary, 1987, p. 17- 1 8)

According to East Preston Ladies Auxiliary (1987), getting to these meetings

\vas a task in itself as many of the women would travel on foot. Ox or horse teams wcrc kw and cars and trucks were only beginning to surface, and uansportation was not casilv availablc in the 1940s and early 1950s (East Preston Ladies hu'tilia

Thcrcfore, attcnding the meeangs was a testament of these women's commiunent.

As thc latc Rev. Dr. Donaid Skier beautifully remarked in his greetings commemorating their anniversary:

hnnivcrsaries afford one the opponunity to have these esperiences. To sit around the well with the founding sisters, to sit in their meetings as thev planncd and charted a course ofgrowth, to have feliowship with individuals who in manu instances are only a name. 1 trust that may be the feelings that man! of the sisters will have during this time of celebration. (East Preston Ladies AusiLam, 1987, p. 7)

This celebraton. walk in histow is taken to honour these women as wel as the numerous Black Nova Scotian women who have been a part of the Ladies husiliary tradition; wornen such as Ross and Shephard. The weil where the women gathered is another important site of memory.

StiU Organihg...

In addition to her celebratory work on the women at the well, Hamilton

(1 993) highlights the development of an equaily significant women's group, the

\K'omcn's Institute of the hfrican United Baptist Association. Kre might recall that

Ross was also involved in this orgarusation and served as president. The institute arosc from the need to have women's activist work in the African United Baptist

Association under formal management, and Mrs. Pearleen Oliver was instrumental in this pionecring initiative (Hamilton, 1982, 1993).

Hamilton (1 993) reports that the first meeting of the Women's Institute was hcld on October 18, 1956, at which the Çoiiowing topics were addressed: "Improving

Our Hcalth Standard Within Our Community," "Raising Our Educationd Standards

\Yi thin Our Community," and "Strengthrning Our Farnily Relations" (p. 198). Over

40 vçars latcr, the institute continues to hold annual meetings and have forged ahead in cornmunity acuvism. Related activities include establishing scholarships and providing college tuition fees, discussing issues of race relations in the media, womcn's concerns in the home, and VOU~Idevelopment issues (Hamilton, 1993).

A rccent documentq by Hamilton (1999), titled ''NO More Secrets" is esemplan of the sponsorship received from the women's institute for cornmunity projects. This moving documentary, of uhich I had the pleasure of attending the first public screening, addresses the serious issue of violence in the lives of Black

Nova Scotian women (sec Barnard, 1999 for a review of the documentary). Through a talking circle format, as adapted from the culture of First Nations people, Black women discuss their experiences of violence as children and adults in the docurnentary. By supporting this kind of work, the Women's Insutute makes it possible for this taboo subject to be shared as a point of healing from past wounds and thc beginning of future prevention.

The community acuvism of the Women's Insutute of the hfrican United

Baptist i\ssociation and the Ladies Auxiliary, again remind one of how the church sen-es as a platform for communitv development, in its concern with the comrnunity and individual Iivcs. As Hamilton (1993) aptly summxnses about these wmen's acuvism, "[t] heir spiritual beliefs guide them and provide the suength and support thc~nçcd continuallv to carq thcir struggle fonvard in the activist tradition that providcs thc framcwork nccessarv for sociai and institutional change" (p. 201).

[H]owcver we might find fauit with the Black church, it has always been a place wherc Black women have had digmty and respect.. .despite the sesism of the Black church, it was also a place where many Black women found they could drop that need to serve others. Church was a place .ou could be and sa., "Father 1 stretch mu hands to thee," and vou could let go. In a sense you could drop the layers of daily esistence and get to the core of ourself. The degradauon Black women may have experienced in daily life wvould fdaway in thc church. (hooks & West, 1991, p. 79)

Th rough hcr church activities, Ross defined herself in empowering ways and found the impetus she needed to assert her agenq through her love for cornmuniy. In the church, she took pride in her identitv, and one might sav, was made whole. Conclusion Section

As I reflect on the tirne spent with Ross at her home, 1 recail with much fondness Our trip co the East Preston Day Care Centre. She gladly gave me a grand tour of the Centre.

On the walls of the Centre, plaques of recognition and awards from various government offtcials and community organisations, bear testament to its legacy, honouring the collective memory of those who worked hard to establish it, as well as those who continue to show their care in the quaiity of servicc offered to the comrnunity. For example, such honounng cornes from the Black Professional

\Yomen's Group of Nova Scotia, which recognises the Centre for its outsranding communin service. Another recognition reads, "Government of Nova Scotia csrcnds sinccrc congrntulations on your outstanding social and econornic contributions to child-care in your community." The IWK Grace Health Centre of

Halifax also joins in recogrusing East Preston Day Care as a Partner in Care for

Childrcn, Women, and Families.

ils 1 walked in, posters, symbols, art pieces, quotes, and images of affirmaaon

k~cctcdmc. On one of the wails, the aim of the Centre is made visible and it reads:

"To hclp the children develop habits and attitudes which wiil go towards insuring

their adjustments to later life in school and the outside world." One poster expresses

similar sentiments, '?X'hile children make up 30 percent of the popuiaaon, ther

represcnt 100 percent of our future." These are sorne of the poignant messages that

permeare the Centre. They are important reminders to parents, children, dav care staff, and to evewone, of the importance of raising our chrldren in an environment that nourishes their spirits and their minds.

The lribrant sense of community is visible upon seeing the various wds of

"Firsr Blacks" chat celebrate the braver). of Black people in the East Preston communin., and Nova Scotia, who created in-roads in society where they did not csist tor them. In a row-cal1 format, faces of Blackness adorn the walls with cclcbrated pictures of Black Nova Scotian women, some of whom include Connie

Glasgow, East Preston's first university graduate from Mount Saint Vincent hiversity, and currently the ptincipal of Cole Harbour high school; Ross' grandmothcr, Xlrs. Harriet Colley, who was the oldest resident of East Preston at the agc of 98; Judgc Corrine Sparks, Nova Scotia's first Black female lawyer and in 1986, thc first Black female judge; Maxine Tynes, poer and first Black woman to hoid a position on the Board of Governors at Dalhousie University; Mrs. Pearleen Oiiver, rcsponsiblc for challenging the colour ban in Nova Scotia's nursing schools and successfullv fought for the admittance of Black girls into the schools (dso menuoned in Shcphard's narrative); and as noted above, the pioneer of the Wornen's Insurute of thc hirican United Baptist Association.

K'hilç reading these names, one feels the pleasure of affirmation that cornes in nnming nnmcs and honounng Lives, for it instils a suong foundarion in our self- definition and scnse of connection br rendering our subiectiviues visible. This power in naming names is further demonstrated as one reads across the wds the names of ench child in the day care Centre. Placing their names on the waii is a calhg and 172 honouring of their presence in the Centre that acknowledges their integrai place in rhc legacy of our future heritage.

1 share this trip to the Centre because it rerninds me of hooks' (1993) sentiment that, "Traditionally, black folks have had to do a lot of creative thinking and dreaminç to raise black children free of internalized racism in a white- suprcmacist societv, a society that is everywhere everyday of our lives urging us to h;itc blackness and ourselves" (p. 80). Remembering the pictures, posters, and narnes on the wall of the Centre, there is no doubt that Ross has used the tool of creativity to makc thc Centre a site of affirmation and visibility for the children, and for dl of us who havc the opportunity to visit.

1 also make connections benveen the Centre and Our learning institutions and rcnlise that the work that Ross does, instilling a sense of pride within the children, is similar ro the work that Black students, educators, administrators, and profcssors do in thcir own efforts to affirm cheir place in white academia. When one sees the posters on the wall that validates the childrenysidentity on that site, and in society, it is the samc validation that we long and fight for in our schools and universities.

In the day care Centre, Ross lovingly affirms the children, as thev are the tûturc of out- community. Through her continued love and spirit, through her dctcrmination to beat the odds against oppression, as reflected in her adage, "It's bctter to tnand fail, than to fail to tn-" (Child Care Information Eschange,

Sovcmber/December 1998, p. 18), we cmbe encouraged in Our personai fights for a longing of ourselves and community betterment, and be nourished in its rewards. Chapter Conclusion

This concludes the presentation of both narratives while the other two narratives continue in the next chapter. Chapter 5

In meir Own Brearh: Bursring Orgasme Narratives (Pan Two)

The blorher then put her fingers inro her chdd's mouth-gently forcing ir open; she couches her tongue CO the chdd's tongue, and holding the tiny mouth open, she blows inro it hxd. She was blowing words-her words, her mocher's wordç, chose of her mothcr's mother, and ail their rnothers before-into her daughters mouch. (Phrlip, 1989. p. 58)

Following from the two narratives in the previous chapter, this chapcer prcsents mv narrative and Linda-Lee King's narratives.

Thitd Narrative

Linda-Lee King

'The Black perspective is not something that is well known on campus. It's not somethiq that is easily received therefore, there will be questions. Even negative as it tends to becorne, it's still a Iearning experience, but we can make sure that we don't have so many learning uperiences on the bocks of the students or myself, or people like myself."

Linda-Lcc Iüng was born in Glace Bay, of Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, in 1962

to \'iolct and Roy King. She has one sister. King currentiy holds the position of

Black Student Advisor of Daihousie Universitv's Black Student Advising Centre; the

first Ccntre of its kind to be established in any Canadian University. King has

u-orlied at the Centre for about eight years. She is also a social worker.

King's schooling experience was in Cape Breton, where she obtained her

Bachelors Degee in community srudies, in 1980 from the University College of Cape

Breton, which was formerly known as the College of Cape Breton. In 1782, she obtained a specialised degree in social work from the Maritime School of Social Work at Dalhousie University. King decided to funher her education and so she returned in 1995 to Dalhousie University and enrolled in the Social Work Masters program.

Hcr icIasters thesis, which addresses the impact of everyday racism on Black women's self esteem with their concomitant coping mechanisms, is a work in progress as she iuLgglesthe stressful demands of her work and its accompanying deleterious effect on hcr hcalth.

In hcr social worker role, King has worked with the Black Women's Health

Group in Hdifas, conducting workshops on self-esteem. Given the success of the u-orkshops, she been asked to conduct more workshops, but regrettably, she has not had thc timc to accommodate the rcquests but hopes to do soon. King makcs a point of stating that the success of the workshops stemmed from the format that she uscd to structure the dialogues among the wornen, which was that of the Talking

Circle as adaptcd from the culture of First Nations people. She statcs that she is gatcful to her former professor, Jean Graveline, a First Nations wornan, who taught hcr about thc Talking Circle in one of her social work courses at Dalhousie

Cnivcrsity. Jean Graveline used the Tdking Circle as a pedagogical and research tool in thc classroom to encourage the respect of varied experiences that students brinç to thc classroom. It is rooted in the philosophy that "we musc each learn to pay each othcr full attention and to take responsibility for maintaining focus on what each spcakcr is sharing. This assists people in learning not to project their experience and

Feelings on to others" (Graveline, 1998, p. 138). hccording to King, this philosophy 176 bas important applications in our society that disregards the erperiences and voices of historicallv marginahsed people.

i. Childhood Mernories

When King speaks of her childhood, she lights up nostalgically in memory of hcr fond dars in Glace Bay, where she grew up. She expresses how her home and communirv were the bedrock of affirmation and confidence that she needed growing up as a Black child. She explains:

Oh, it was wonderf ul. It was wonderful because white4and didn't affect me until 1 left the house and the community... to [attend] school [university]. 1 didn't really notice too much [white-land] bccause everything was so strong at home and in the community that anything that would happen ut school didn't reully affect me. 1 went there to study, get my tducation and that was itJt wasn't a Black school but it was five minutes away from the housc, and then you corne home and you're in the community. So al1 the love and, you know, comfort was there and aunts and unclu and everybody was there. 50 1 consider myself to be very lucky... 1 was fortunate to have a good childhood.

King's father worked in the cod mines and her mother worked in what used to bc cnllcd five and dimc deparunent stores. Iung mentioned that a working mother

Iras n rarity in those days and that her mother 'was one of the f ew in the community that did go to work." With both parents working, her grandmother, Albenha Jones, on her rnothcr's sidc, raised King. Forninately, her parents' home was only a few houses hmhcr gandmother's home and so King was not far away from her parents. She considcred herself verv luckv because while under her grandmother's care, she continued ro spend time with her mother and kept having "deep talks" Gth her, which made her think she had two mothers. She descnbes the loving manner in

~vhichher grandmother raised her:

1 considered her to be like the grandmother on Soul Food [the film]. She made everyone feel like they were the only child... She made each individual feel as if they were the most important person in her lif e and that you could go to her with anything. Her place was 'Do-drop-in." It was kind of like central station where everybody kind of pascd through.

King's cherished memories of her grandmother were of their trips to the groccn store. Her grandmother would dress her up so beautifuily, which according to King made her feel likc a little princess. She explains why her grandmother always drcsscd hcr that \va!:

Well. 1 think, one, that she thought if you were going out in public, you should fix up. and two. I think it's because she didn't want people to Say that we were dirty or that she had a dirty little kid with her, a dirty Black kid with her ... she thought we had to represent ...put our bat foot forward ... She could have been a fashion consultant at the time because 1 was the bcst looking kid in the store... People always spoke of, you know. 'Oh. she looks so cluin." or 'she's so well-behaved," when 1 just thought that was the way it was supposed to be... and the thing is, now thinking of if. if 1were in a store and 1 had a child and sorneone said to me, "She's so clean," 1 would be insulted (Iaug hs).

As a roung child, King came to understand the implications of "fixing up" as it rclated to putting one's best foot forward to represent Black people in n positive way. it is particularlr interesting to recail that Shephard shared similac experiences of

mastcring the art of fising up, as 3 young woman and as an adult. For both women,

their pcrfect phvsical presentation was tantmount to rendering a positive visibility of

thcmsclvcs as Black wornen, to subven the debased esternal constructions of

Blackness that esisted in the white racist imagination. In both families, it \vas a shield

uscd to protect their children from the invidious make-up of those constructions. King's mother used to teii King of her own childhood experiences and the crcative acrs of defiant visibility that her parents engaged to show the outside world that their family had a suong sense of pnde:

My mother used to talk about how her father used ta rent a taxi and take them for a Sunday drive... and as 1 got olds ï'm thinking, 'Oh, you guys must have been brave. You have a white man driving you around in a taxi bock then." 50 he would hire a taxi because he didn't have a car ...he thought his children needed to be taken on this Sunday drive. He'd rent one every Sunday. But there were no Black drivers, so they probably couldn't get a license... 1 found that rcolly nice and intercsting and 1 just - 1 thought it was kind of progressive for back then because 1 was shockcd that they would even rent them one ... 1 think of it as divine justice (chuckles) - 1 think it's funny having a white man drive Black people around back then.

In a racialiscd economy where Black men and women were segregated into low

pavinq. <. positions and manual labour, one cmgrasp King's notion of divine justice in a

whitc man driving a Black man and his family around town.

Rcsiliencc and defiance are qualities that emerge in King's characterisation of

hcr hmilv. For example, the narrative of her grandmother in her early nventies, on

route from Barbados to her sister's home in Glace Bay, is telling:

...[ D]id I tell you about rny grandmother though, about her corning into that pier [Pier 21, Halifax], the one they were celebrating? So basically you have this young woman coming to a strange country, in trauma from them separating her frorn her friend and not knowing what happened. 50 she's at this train station. Somebody took mercy on her and carne over and helped her, told her where to go. And it happened to be this white lady that took her on the train and sot with her and like you know, like basically, showed her where she necded to go and what not. And they got as for os Truro, and 1 think that as - when they got to Truro. rny grandmother spoke of trying to go to get something to eat and they'd go into this phce and they wouldn't serve them because she wus with this white woman. 50, then they ended up having to go to sorne place... then they were served. but a Black guy had told her why - like she hadn't - didn't have two clues... the black guy uplained to her why they wouldn't serve her. Like at the other restaurant she didn't know whot was happening... and the other wornan just took her somewhere else. So thcre was the Black guy at the next restaurant that explained... And I would have been wanting to go home (laughs) ... from the minute they separated the other girl... So thon she proceeded to, you know, that woman was helpful becausc shc was able to occupy her enough to - you know. get to her destination. 50 basicaily she had another ride long ride to get to Sydney, but because of [the] trauma, shc wos really mcssed up and, and she probably wouldn't have been able to get on. Shc was so frightmed ... so that was one of the interesting stories ...

Ln spire of the racisrn her grandmother encountered, she pressed on towards her destination and for King this served as an important lesson in survival for her own

Her gandmother was a role mode1 and mentor in King's Life because she lcarnt somc important theories on developing a positive work ethic, a positive self- cstccm, and how to negotiate her identity as a Black wornan therein. Of her grandmother's influcnce, King shares:

1 don't know what education... formal education my grandmother had. 1 don? think it was much, but as for as I'm concerned she was srnarter than any professor 1 ever met and any 1'11 ever rneet, because things that she taught and instilled are the things that enable me to do my work .JOtry to look at other people's point of view ... Basically treat people the way you want to be treaied ... And she taught us that al1 people were important and just how she was able to shore herself amongst so many people... To take pride in who you were and things like that... 1 don't know if she would want me to put this in print or not, but basicolly, she felt that even with her husband, although she loved him, her children were her blood and she only married him. And for that day, you know, for her to say that way back then, that was rare 'cause her husband was bringing this money home... for those children, but she was working hard to maintain in the household.

Practising hcr pndrnother's philosophy of respecting other people's perspectives and trcaung thcm accordingly, helps King in her role as Black Student hdvisor when shc interacts wich students and assists them with their concerns. It also helps her maintain a hedthv dose of hudty because as she puts it, '1 can't see myself as this big important person because 1 always say, 'Okay, whoever is on that side of the dak, 1 could be sitting therev...." ii. Homeplace as a site of resistance

i\s we speak of the affirming roles that our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and communitv otherrnothers play in raising us, we affirm their love and spirit. We recobmise the inherent challenges of raising Black chddren to love themselves and

Black ways of being in a white dominant society that negates and distorts their

Blackncss. \Ve honour the legacy of struggle and the triurnphs thereof of Black women and men in their creative acts of defiant visibility.

Honouring this heritage is a prinuple that King holds dear and pracaees. This

is sccn in the way shc adorns her home with lovely art pieces, masks and dolls, all

rcprcscntntivc of African ancestry. This act of adorning one's home with affirming

irnngcs of Blackness is what hooks (1990) describes as the business of making one's

homcplncc a site of resistance. It is a resistance against white suprernacy, "where one

cciuld frcclv confront the issue of humanization, where one could resist.. .where ail

biack people could strivc to bc subjects, not objects.. .where we could restore to

ourselvcs thc dipin denied us on the outside in the public world" (hooks, 1990, p.

4). kling illustrates how she suives to be affirmed in her home:

[Olne of the things too is that wherever 1 live, 1 always make sure 1 have the Black images... and lots of Black things around me ...anything representative of any parts of my descendants [who are] Caribbccrn... 1 have what 1 cal1... my African corner. 1 have my - my mini Caribbean corner. 1 have representation of Blacks all over the world... because it makes me feel good. It boons rny self-esteem; it makes me feel homey. It makes me feel 1 have a community of family right in here. And to be honest there's days 1 don't like to leave it because 1 enjoy looking at each and every piece and some people, they would sec it as being... too much. But for me, it's better than any drink or anything like th& ... The comfort that emerges from King's art collection is a resistance to the historical and current female images that reinforce racist and derogatory constructions of Black womanhood; images that continue to assault Our spirit as rcinforced in white western art, literature, television and film, in order to maintain cultural and racial domination books, 1992). Hence, it becornes critical to create

sitcs of resistance that allow us to re-image ourselves in celebratory frames. At a

Young age, lung realised the significance of such re-imaging and she nanates her

amazcment of how she came to such realisation:

[Alnother memory 1 have too growing up is... buying cards and receiving cards for birthdays and holidays and things like that. 1 don't recall saying anything about getting white cards but 1 know 1 sure didn't give any. 1 would buy animal cards - cards with animals on it so thot it wouldn't have to be white people that didn't look like me. 1 would take - buy cartoons of white people and colour them brown and their hair brown and Black and stuff. so thot they would look like my image. And 1 did that from a child. 1 wasn't taught and 1 was the only one in my family that did it. But it meant a lot to me to have something that looked like me and repruented me and my family and my community. And so ...when 1 look back and say well my goodness, yeah. 1 was the only one that did thd. and, and to be able to fully understand why 1 did that. Becouse 1 don't think 1 knew. I don't think 1 really really knew at the tirne 'cause I was tao Young.

I found this episode quite reveahng of how insidious white universalisrn

opcrntcs, wherein a child would make the critical connection benveen race and

rcprcsentation. I shared with King thnt although at that age she was not able to "fullv

undcrstand" and articulate the embedded racialised power structure operating at that

lcrel, she understood her actions at a basic level, when she says, 'I wasn't giving it to a

white person... Ali I knew was that it didn't look like me and it didn't look like the person 1

was giving it to." Bv insisting on giving and receiving cards that reflected her own

image as a voung child, as an addt King conanues to exercise this agency by collecting images that empower her self and community perception as a Black woman.

hooks (1993) discusses a related account in her erperience of strïving to surround herself with images that reflected her own image. She first instructs that,

Clcarly, if black women want to be about the business of collective self- healing, we have to be about the business of inventing al1 manner of images and representations that show us the way we want to be and are. Within white-supremacist pauiarchal Society, it is very difficult to find affirming images of black femaleness. (hooks, 1993, p. 83)

She gocs on to narrate her own activism in creating those affirming images when she criuld not locate any in her neighbourhood:

h fcw years ago, 1 went to live in a new place where 1 knew no one, so it occurred CO me that 1 needed to surround myself with Life-affirming images of black womanness in my home to have in my rnidst representations of a nurturing community. I was shocked by how difficult it was to find rcprcscntaaons of us where Our features were not crudely distorted or csaggcratcd. 1 was dismayed by how many paintings showed us without eyes, or noses, or mouths. And 1began to wonder if these body parts are "fogotten" because they represent the unloved, unliked parts, because the? desus into the realm of the senses. The problem that 1 encountered was not a dcarth of imagerv, but a lack of appealing imagerv. So what did 1 do? I went to thc home of a Grlfriend who had been making litde brown dolls (she had to dyc material to make colors that could convey the varie. of our complexions), and she made me six girl dolls to represent me and rny sisters. (hooks, 1993, P 83)

It is always reassuring to see Black women and Black entrepreneurs who have

madc it rheir business to provide a varien. of Black images in the form of dolls,

books, posters, and such related items. AM Adekayode, a Black woman in Halifaix

made it her business to make Black female dolls avdable for displays at regularly

cclcbrated erents in the Black commun$-. Events such as African Night at

Ddhousie University and informative sessions on violence against women and chiid abuse. Generally, her dolls are designed according to various themes relating to women and children's health concerns and they rernind us of the necessity of addressing these issues in our homes and communities.

MMgthe Campus a Sire ofAlErmation

The efforts to create Our homes as sites of resistance are a constant work in progrcss. For some of us these efforts extend to Our workplace, especially when they arc csscntial for the type of work we do.

In King's workplace, as the Black Student hdvisor at Dalhousie University, making thc Black Student Advising Centre a site of affirmation is a constant work in progcss, bccause King recognises the university as a bulwark of white capitalist suprcmacist ideology. The Centre thus "provides a crucial Link which facilitates intcracuon and cooperauon benveen the University and the Black communities.. .. Ln an cffort to crcate a racism free and culturally sensitive environment, the resource room cnables peer supporr, meeting space andior acadernic cncourage:ncnt/en~chment" (h tta://is.dai.ca/ -bsac). The resource room contains litcrriturc chat may be beneficial to students, such as scholarship information, Black iournals and newspapers, lists of community services and organisations, and cmplovmcnt listings.

One of the main services of the Centre is confidentid counselling and cncouragcment from the Advisor as related to acadernic or personal needs.

.-iddressing the personal needs of snidents reflect King's philosophy of an integrated approach to students' academic needs assessment. The Centre, therefore, acts as a site of affirmation for students, providing the necessaq resources to equip them townrds a successful academic experience.

In the narratives that foiiow, 1 hope chat one gets a sense of the wide range of seniccs that Kng offers to students, which go beyond some of the descriptions listed

abol.c, partjcularly as it informs rny interpretation of her work as chat of activism

influenced by her meanings of communiy

i. Building Cornrnunity

Thc Black Student Advising Centre acts as a 'community connector,'' according

to Iung, in meeting the mandate of providing a racism free aunosphere on campus.

When askcd what comrnunity means to her, Kmg offers a descriptive definition:

Community is just a bettermuit of my people. ft's just making a place for my people to stay strong ... for children not to come up feeling that they don't belong in a place that ... their parents are paying taxes for. Just to have egual access ...whatever 1 do, wherever 1 am, it's going to benefit the community... the overall betterment of my people, survival of my people. So whether 1 have people survive in Halifax. whether 1 do it in Af rica, whether X do it in the Caribbcan. it's for the betterment ... of my people, descendants of Africa. Black descendants of Africa... whatever 1 do to set a positive image for our people, to encourage our people. And 1 consider commulity any place that 1 rat my head and there's people like me, physically, sometimes and a little bit of emotionally, and anyone that is willing to treat me and mine, which is Black people, people of African descent, like human beings. That's my community. 50 ï'm not saying 1 love just Glace Boy. If I'rn in Preston. that's my community. 1f I'm in Halifax, that's my community ...Sm interested in the overoll good. If 1 happen to visit Africa, that's my community. If 1 don't visit. it's still my comrnunity from a distance... Some people believe that you have to be in your community where you wen born or married into it or whatever, to give bock to community, and 1 don't come from that philosophy... Community is where you are and if you are... uplifting... al1 Black people. 1 can't get ahead by putting other Black people down based on what community they're from. based on what country they're from. That's not doing anything to uplift us as a global people, from my perspective. In Kfig's definition community, there is a recurring reference to the collective empoLverment of individuals within her philosophy ofcommunity uplih. Her sense of communitv goes beyond the geography of her immediate surroundtngs and cstends to the global cornmunity of Black people. This philosophy extends to King's ad~ison-rolc because uplifung students is the underpinning thread of the work she docs in the Centre. She illustrates further the community essence of her work in rcrms of giving students a sense of belonging and enutlement, through the senrices offercd at the Centre:

Well rny interpretation of it and, and also some students interpretation of it, is it's a safe haven [that is the Centre]. It's a place - when they don't feel welcorne, when they don't feel included, whtn they don't feel that they have qua1 accus - where they can go and be, just feel safe and [realise] that there is the potential to have people... really and truly care about their succtss, their needs, and who are able to identify with any barriers that impact their education... We wouldn't automatically say, okay, if it's not strictly Black and white academic that it doesn't impact on how you study, that it doesn't impact on your ... ability to progress... to look at the individual as a peerson, not just a student ... 1 think ifs also important we look at people m individuals because if we don't, then we're sending people out [as] robots into society ...

Thercfore, having a sense of community means that Black students recognise

their sharcd hisron as Black people and assen themselves and affirm each other as

they ncgotintc their resistance to the daily negation of their Blackness in the white

dominant universin.. Some of these negating acuvities were discussed in the previous

chaptcr, \vr.hich highliçhted the suuggle of students to siniate their Lived espenences in

their academic work. These concerns are not Çoreign to Dalhousie University

students, according to King, which is why it is becomes important to have a safe

space uhere students can strategize towards validaang their standpoint in acadernia. ü. Contesting '%mite whitewresearch

The struggle for students to situate their standpoint as Black students, in the rcsearch ther participate in, is a prevalent concern that King hears of when students talk to her about their schoolwork. Students desire to engage in course material that amrrns rheir identiry, which means gaining knowledge from an engagrd communirv srandpoint that recognises their experiences in that learning proccss. For a student u-hose identity is rooted in a historicdy rnarginalised location, gaining knowledge of thc world necessarilv demands that that knowledge encornpass their lived csperiences. In his toricall~white dominant learning ins tituuons such as Dalhousie

Uni\-ersin-, this engagement is denied in the design of curriculum and in the hiring practiccs of pro fcssors, and administrators (as discussed in chapter three).

For these reasons, King has to work hard to insu1 confidence in students who dcsirc to contcst the Eurocentric pedagogy in their classrooms and participate in rcscnrch that is rcflective of their identity and community. King asserts that contcsting thesc punds, however, involves risks that can be overwhelming for srudcnts, and she offers an account of this risky business:

That's one of the things that 1 end up helping students fight ... To be able to either request the Bhck experience content [in curriculum] or for thern to be able to write from a Black perspective. It happens a lot... When you try to place yourself in your work, when you try to find profluors who will work with you, who are interested in your issues when you try to write your subjects or your research based on, you know , your experience.,.they're denied t hat. Thot is such a burden for students and such ... an irnpediment to their - to their continuing. Having to...y ou know ... fight - using those words again, f ight to show that yes, rm learning what you teach in class but ... Sm preparing it for you from my perspective. Finding professors to supervise, professors to role mode1 after ... in fear of being penalised because they are connected with a black group, or seen as being militant. Students being told that when they speak up in class, they ...make the other white students feel fearful to speok ...1 mean it's hord to believe it's still going on ...and also the isolation... Whwi therebsan issue and they have to decide whether or not they bring it forth. And if they bring it forth, then they're viewed as the expert and they have to be the educator when they're there to be educated. I don? see the students receiveany extra credit for that... And students skipping cla~se~becouse they donbtwant to go into a classroom where people arc using outdated material that hm discrimination or demeaning content ... in particular where they have to sit through people reading literature and other things that have niggv in it or any derogatory things towards them... And we also have to give people, students the - the outlet to vent that. But if they choose not to do anything, they're the only ones that know the consequenc es...ond 1 have been witness to students going through some severe consequences of bringing things [these concerns] up. ft depends on your support system in - in that particular battle...

Bcing placed in the expert position is one of the risks that students face as thcr. tnv. to locate themselves in their course material because they are forced inro the uncornfortable position of educating their professors and fellow students about the

Euroccntrism chat pervades the curriculum; about the problemauc nature of theory that is rootcd in white academic elitism designed without any practical application in cwn-da\.. . living. These concerns are not what smdents expect to tackle but expect that their profcssors are aware of these issues and expect that they raise they address

Kith respect to research topics, some students simply want to meet the course rcquircments without enduring the smggie and resistance from professors that cornes from desiring to encompass their esperience in their research work.

.\ccording to Iüng, the stmggle cornes from making a choice benveen locating thcmselves in their research and deciding "to 'write white' in order to have a smooth transition in their program." 'Write white" is another way of referring to the discourse of an imitative intellectuality, as discussed in chapter three. King States that in some cases, students opt to "write white" as a survival mechanism and unfortunately, it cventually 'wears them down so much ... they don't want to continue.' At which point,

students consider dropping out.

This is very disheartening for King because she believes that studmts would

cscel and be encouraged to pursue further education in graduate school if they were

in an acadcmic environment that responded to their needs. Schooiing in a white

dominant university, however, thwarts this ambition for some students because they

arc constantlr in battie with the phlosophy that the 'white side" is right. King can

date to the srudents as she shares the important role that mentonng played in her

universin esperience at Dalhousie University:

...1 donOtknow why but 1 always believed and it's just my personal belief, that had 1 grown up in - somewhere where there was ... access to like BIack universities... or even a larger representation of Black people. 1 think 1 would have went further. because 1 didn't redise how intelligent 1 was until what 1 wa~doing, when 1 did Jean Gravelineoscourse .. and that would be the First Nations professor, and when 1 was in... Dr. Barbara Keddy's course. That's when 1 realised 1 was intelligent. and thatOs not long ago. Up wtil then. 1 thought 1 - 1 knew 1 could do things and 1 felt that 1 was capable, but 1 never ever felt intelligent until then, when 1 realised what my potential was ...

Because the university site is very much reflective of the power relations in

, 1998)' it is critical that Black students have mentors.

\KVhcnWC sec Black professors in our women's studies classes or science classes, we

cm SCL. them as people who have survived the white dominant educational system

and succeeded acadernicaily. As students, we cm celebrate their accomplishments as

u-c ncgotiate Our own acadernic aspirations. üi. Retention and Access: Two Sides of the Same Coin

For King, these issues merely reflect an important criticism, which is that

Dalhousie Universirv's preoccupauon with enrolment figures and student access into the universin- is not a balanced one. While the university purpons to work toward an increase in Black student enrolment, there is no structure in place to ensure that students actuallv remain in the univenity, such as addressing the serious paucity of

Ulack csperience within the curriculum. King laments, "No one is concerned... if they're the same faces or if it's just new people coming through... 1 think it's very important at all levels that, you know, we work to kep the students here...." The university's Transition

Ycar Program, she adds, is the only place where a strong Black content in course matcrial is prcsent but it is oniy available to the Transition Year Program students.

Thcrcforc, having fcw courses with Black expecience as its focus that are not open to thc majoriw of studcnts, does not make for an enriching academic environment, whcrc idcallr insututions are to reflect the knowledge base of al1 peoples and not just rlic ruling class.

Rctcntion and access are issues that must be addressed collectivelv because a prcoccupation with enrolment figures must follow a preoccupation of graduation figures. Anything less is antithetical to an effective education svstem, according to

Iün~.This is an area that she firrnly believes needs serious attention, and would udcomc the opponunitx to be active in dus area. Departmentd financial restraints, howcver, prevent her from acquiring the necessary resources to do so. In discussing the absence of courses and departments that situate Black epistemologv in the university, King recalled a penod when an Afncan Studies department at Dalhousie University existed but because of "cestructuring" it was merged with the International Development Studies depamnent, which resulted in onlv a few ilfrican Studies courses. She remembers that students were veq disappointed with this change. They began to ask, "Where ore the Africons?" because thcy saw only white professors teaching African Studies courses. In response, Kng had to inculcatc the importance of students addressing their concerns with the univcrsitv administration and not just sharing them with her.

This scenario with the African Studies deparunent refiects the business of

"cspcrt knowledge" that is sweeping Our learning insurutions in their race to integrate curriculum thar renccts the diversicy of students experience (Farmer, 1993). What is

~langcrous,however, is that such races continue to remain the sole domain of white profcssors, lcaving thcir so-called expertise unchailenged and contested by the veq peoplc whose csperîences thev. relv. on for that knowledge (E%.rmer, 1993). As

Fnrmcr (1993) stresses:

Thc race to include materials by people of color is a poor response to the pressing need for overall societal change. It does not challenge the status quo at ail, for it simply adds a few courses with the tvords race, ethnicity, diversi-, multiculturalism, and so on, in their titles, or dows the teaching of the same old courses with different titles, or the addition of one book by a person of color. (p. 197)

\\'hile our learning institutions are touted as equal oppomnity emplo~erswith

thcir siqnaturek- race-relations and diversin. officers, concrete politicai action to

cradicate instinitionalised or departmentai racist policies are avoided or thwarted. Therefore, fighting against the status quo, or against what Lipsitz (1 998) refers to as the "possessive investrnent in whteness," to bring about concrete change demands that white privilege be contested at all levels in Our universities. Othenvise, as Farrner

(1 993) warns, "[wlirhout a reformation of power structures and serious antiracism uork within academe, the race for inclusion is just another exercise" (p. 21 5).

The above concerns are best summarised in the understanding that "the ccntrality of issues related to race in the lived experiences of Black students and the inabilin. or unwillingness of teachers [and professors] to address these issues within thcir pcdagogical practices gready affect a student's sense of belonging and cncouragcmcnt" (Dei ct al., 1997, p. 82). Learning about Black people's Lives and drawing from thcir contributions to society, their ways of developing affirming theories of being, serves to foster what hooks (1994) refers to as an "engaged pcdagogy." Xccordinglv, an engaged pedagogy is one that "necessarily values student csprcssions" (hooks, 1994, p. 20) and oppositional knowledge. Consequentlv, in the abscncc of an engagcd pedagogy that invalidates Blackness, we become disernbodied students aithout an. scnse of agency and visibility. We become intellectually and spiritu:illr hcmmed in. When these issues are taken very senously by the univenin- and school administration, oniv then can "education in this sense serve as an cquitable forum for the social, cultural, and academic needs of ail students" (Dei et id., 199-, p. 87). Wmk: ("ALonely Spot To Be Inyy

"But it's chilly due to race. Whether people are afraid of you because you're Block ond you may bring issues that they don't want to dcol with or they're not cornfortable, or whether they really don't want you there."

If for a moment we reflect on the previous section and the concems raised by studcnts - representations of Blackness on campus as it relates to curriculum content and the presence of Rlack professors, and thus conclude that the university does nor

\duc Ulackncss, it becomes no surprise that King feels devaiued in her work. This scnsc of dcvaluation takes many forms in her work. They include questionhg her crcdibility, silcncing her voice on V~~OUSissues, disregarding the meaning of communin, pigeonholing, being ovenvorked and underpaid, and working with insufficicnt rcsourccs. Al1 of these culminate in working under highly suessful conditions, which incvitably make her position at work 'a lonely spot to be in."

Before esplaining what she means by her workplace being a lonely place, kng hrst statcs that Dalhousie University vaiues her work as long as it does not threaten thcir position on ccrtain issues and policies. She adds that certain aspects of her work arc contractcd out by Dalhousie University to King's College University. In iüng's

Collep Cniversitx she works as a consultant on race relations issues, which means that staff', sstudents, and professors can seek her services on related matters or othenvise. In her working relaaonship with King's Coiiege, King feels ralued

bccnuse her knowledge and esperience is valued and respected. As for her sense of

valuauon in Dalhousie University, she feels that in general it only places value on her skills when she successfdy mediates a race relations issue. She quickiy remarks, howcwr, that a successful rnediation is defined as one that is favourable to the university.

Shc illusuates this point:

I guess one of my concerns is that the service is being seen as an add-on service. Kind of something [that] was just thrown there, 1 guess for politically correct rasons. And then we have the other group of people who patronise the value of it in terms of, it's valunble... in theory but not in practice. And 1 say that ... as long as we're able to do things that, you know. mak the university look good or show the number of Black students [enrolled], it's positive. But [it is negative] when you're dealing with issues of ... inquities in the educational system. especially institutionalised racism, individual difficultiu betwevi students and profusors. And 1 Say professors because the students are usually speaking to issues where they're not reflected in the curriculum or any effort being made to, to find a place for themselves in the curriculum.

Thcrcfore, her work is valued if, she is 'able to help them get out of a jam ...advocate, mediate a situation where it is beneficial for both parties." If it is a mediauon that is in hïour of a srudcnt and not the university, 'then you're labelled as a trouble rnaker or militant." Accordingly, curriculum and administrative reform is perceived as an cscrcisc in militancy, a contaminant in the great white halls of academia, and in

Fnrmcr's (1 993) words "the brninchild of fanaucs" (p. 197).

Thcsc pc~adingperceptions result in lüng's credibility being quesuoned whcn shc challenges university policies. This forces her to allv herself with someone

in thc unircrsitv in order to tend credibilicv to her work, which she translates as taking

"someone white in to more or Iess translate what you said. by repeating it word for word in order to validate what you're soying." Furrhermore, when universiq administrators

ntrcmpt ro invalidate King's knowledge and SUS,when the- attempt to portray her as one who is not professional enough, educated enough, or not much of an "expert" to comment or make suggestions on university issues, she responds to them with whar she cdls the "doctor anaiogy:"

...1 often give them an uample of, if you're a doctor, would you allow me to operate on your son or daughter?... And 1don't upect you to say yes, because 1 don't have that [medicol] knowledge and expertise. Therefore, if you've never lived the Black Nova Scotim wperience or have never beur discriminated against, based on race, how can you automatically assume to be an expert?... It's so easy to become isolated as the militant or ...[seen as] 'those difficult people" or 'because she's not a professor or she' s not quolif ied... we can't consider her an expert because she' s not a faculty person." Without any acknowledgemcnt of any adult education that I've dons in the past or rcrearch that I've... developed and research 1'm working on that... would equate to some of their work.

The sentiments espressed above are what Famer (1993) refers to as silent mcchanisms, which are used where Black women's work is concerned, particularly in protessional settings. She esplains:

Xn hfrican hrnerican plack] woman is viewed through lenses colored by gendcr and racial biases; thercfore ideas, instructions, and feedback from hcr ma! be received hostilely, in a patronizing manner, or sometimes blatantly igporcd, with impunity. Typical responses to her words may be imrnediate chdlcnçc, dumbfounded silence, and/or a continuation of conversation as though she had not spoken dl. People may finish her sentences for her or rcstate her words as though she has spoken a foreign language. These silcncing mechanisms are used to denigrate her, to let her know she has no ideas worth hearing, much less using. (Farmer, 1993, p. 206)

Iüng's coping mechanism, using the doctor analogi against being silenced, is again a rcminder of the business of espert knowledge in Our universiaes that creates a bicrarchy of knowledge in order to control information with no room for scrutiny. i. Pigeonhohg

Another aspect to silencing is pigeonholing. The work that King does in race relations medation, also works to pigeonhole her. This is because the university works on the premise that she has no authority on anv other matters apan from race

relations or Black related issues. This premise, that Black race matters is al1 that Black

pcoplc in academia are interested in or have any knowledge of, works to sideline,

silencc, and heighten the belief that Black women administrators are only useful as

"hands-on workers, not ideas people" (Farmer, 1993, p. 204). As King says, 'if it's

regarding something else and 1 want to give input, it may or may not be received well in

terms of, 'You're not a prof essor thcrefore you are not of the same status."' N'orking as a

Rcsearcb Ccntrc director and lecturer in a traditionally white academic institution,

Farmer (1993) echoes similar sentiments from her personai narrative when she notes

that,

Tqicallr, whenever there is a "Black" issue on campus, Afncan Amencans [Black &ople] are brought fonh. The likelihood of an Afncan hrnerican's plack person's] presence and input being actively sought is far greater if an event deals with issues of race or if a guest speaker is an African Amencan [a Black person]. We are very popular during Febniary, Black Histow Month.. .W'hen a White person turns to you during a reception or meeting and asks, "Do vou know So-and-So?" you can be rest assured that Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So is Biack.. .Any hfrican thericm [Black] woman who rebels against these assumptions in any fashion, either assertively or aggressively is seen as a Sapphirc. And since aiI women are espected to be nice, this can be a real career Iüller. (p. 306)

This makes the working conditions ven- precarious for Black women,

parucularlr when their work is also overscrutinised by superiors and typicdy

intcrrupted just to 'check up" on hem, as is the case in King's work. These condiaons cventualiy force Black employees to leave the university workplace and as for the hiring practices of the university, King notes that the university "will not hire Blacks as they don't see it os a positive thing necessari ly. It'S always, 'we have to get our quota' ... and once one cornes in, that's good uiough. And you usually have one person in the department forever." Hcnce, the token Black person in the department or administration is simplv good rnough.

Whcn working under conditions that do not give one a sense of validation, the abiliy to perform with a manageable workload becomes more concerning when there is litdc staff support in the office environment. Part of the overloaded wvorkload cornes Lrom the various tasks that King performs which go beyond the duties signified in her titie, "Black Student Advisor." In other words, the title "advisor" docs littlc to encapsulate even a fracuon of the osks she performs as she ends up doing a iuggling act in her many performances as administrator, accountant, office rnanngcr, and office equipment consultant, to sav the least. Of this workload, she

1 had also shown my job description to some white colleagues and they look at the detailed job description and MY, 'Well, that's an impossible job" ...but nobody's advocating for the fact that it's an impossible job ...And then when 1 advocate [saying] that it's... self-defeating ...then ifs like, 'Well, there's sotnethi-) wroq with you," as opposed to you can't cope ... It drains your confidence, then you start to self- doubt yourself, because if you know you were doing al1 this hard work and if the people you work for... don't oppear to value what you're doing, then you start to question, 'Well, why am 1 doing this, and am 1 doing enough and then how much is enough?"

Tlic universim provides King with onlv a part-rime secret- to work in an

cnvironment that has a £dl-time workload, which inevitably creates an overburdened uorkload. The Centre has to rely on the support of student volunteers. Working with limited resources and support is thus what King considers a 'vicious cycle" and

'self-defeating" and she is left with no choice but to do the best she can. Yet, she is

also forced to ask, 'But how long can you do the bat with what you have?' because

instcad of providing a full-tirne secretary to assist her with the overburdened

workload, she is often toid by her superiors to cut back on some of the services

oiicrcd through the Centre, services pwticularly related to community outreach

ii. Cornmunity as Lifeline

Cuttinç back on cornmunitv ouueach activities is not an option in King's work

ils it is a major component to her advisory role at the Centre. It serves to develop

positiïc relations benveen the university and the Black community as well as promote

mectings with fellow educators to encourage increased admission. Other sirnilar

liaison activitics include sponsoring and attending workshops, meetings, and events,

and when she is unabie to attend the meetings due to her hectic schedule, she tries to

arrangc for the staff to attend on behalf of the Centre. The importance of

communin- outreach activities further lies in the nourishment that King gains since it

Lji-CSher a chance to discuss some work concerns and seek suppon.

King feels that the university does not value this cornmunitv component in

leor. For one, there is no compensation for the time she spends attending

community outreach events when they are past work hours. King remarks that community outreach events are regarded as 'socialising' events and therefore regarded as unrelated to her work. She sarcasticaily wonders 'if Black people have nothing more to do than run to every single Black function out there," noting that community ouueach is in fact work that demands urne and commianent. Nevertheless, King remains adamant about the importance of Liaising on behalf of the universiry and community and insists, "To be told to cut back on the community is like stabbing my lifeline. No community, no students, as far as 1 am concerned."

The rcason that Ktng regards the community as her lifeline is that her advisory position is thc only one of its kind in the university and it makes for a very isolating u-ork cspericncc. When she wants to discuss creative ideas or share concerns, she oftcn finds that she has to bottle up her feelings and keep juggling on because collcapm and peers may not be willing to speak up on workplace concerns for fear of jcopardising their own jobs. King states it 'could easily happen to them and they've seen it happen to others. 50 it's more of a waiting game of who's leaving next. Weil, who cmstay the longest?" Although an emplorment equity office esists, she feels she has

no rccoursc. She used to be on the equin; committee but noted that her comments

wcrc not gken S~~OUSconsideration, which made her decided to concentrate al1 her

cfforts on the needs of the students and community directly, instead of fighting to be

nlidatcd at committee meetings. She comrnents on this situation:

We used to have an anti-racism and discrimination policy. which is not there anymore. Itwas defeated after it was voted in. When you have difficulties, there's no where to go. There's no where to go other thon support of some peers and not al1 of those peers are able- well. one there's not that many ...and not ail of those peers are willing to speak up because they know that what*s happening to you is easily -could easily happen ta them and they've seen it happen to others And it's based on your level of stature at the university. It's important when people... the professors... obtain tenure so that they're at least secured as long as they want to be there. Other staff members, it dcpends. ft's a little more tricky because you belong to a union. Thot may - may not - most likely do~not represent you. 50, you know. devalued in terms of when you briqup race issu=...or even if other people bring them up and ask you to help them... work with them, then you become the problem. You're hired to... consult and advise student. staff and faculty about issues that affect students or racisrn. 1 can't protect Black students. and but yet, therevsnothing in place to deal with these issues. So you go to professor to professor, staff to staff, depends on ...which department and it depends on the goodwill of whoever's dealing with it. And if that's not successful. then it's at the point where you have to bring community people in and that con be difficult. It's been helpful. but it's going to be difficult at tirnes becouse community people aren't always accessible... at the timc the student is in need. Like for instance, the university has a university lawyer. If a student needs a lawyer, then they try to go to Legal Aid. The wait is so long, you know, they muy become frustrated. Most of the students can't afford to, or shouldn't have to hire a lawyer out of their own pocket. The some with the staff to dcal with issues. 50 that's another area... where rny position and people in my position are devalued.

In spitc of Dalhousie University's cosmetic attempt at creating an equitable cnlironmcnt for staff and faculty, King finds reassurance in the senices she offers and in the changes she has insututionalised. She adds that given the confidentid naturc of hcr work, these changes mav not be pubiicly visible but have been made n-ithin hcr dcpartmcnt with people who are able to initiate change on behalf of the studcnts.

iii. Fighting for Space

In thc university's poiitics of space ailocation, fighting for the Centre to rcmain in opcnrion is a barde for King, especidy as there have been occasions when shc bas been told that the Centre's space is needed for storage. She esplains:

You know [in] ...that kind of environment where ...y ou're devalued based on race... Based on ...maybe the university creating a service that they weren't rurlly ready for or that ...they didi't introducc in a way thot the rnajority of the... Dalhousie community or university community, isn't supportive. And they say, 'Well why are you doing that for Black studtnts?" ... 1 have diff iculty ,and ...ayour title of your work says 'Çighting Words' - fighting words to keep a room that 1 use as a Resource Centre for students. Every year ulmost... there's, you know, conscious efforts made to prove that the room was in use, so that they don't toke it to put storagt in, store books in it - a room that's heavily used. [Just] because somcone deems they want it for something else ... And the excuse is, you know, your service is so restrictive, you know, or the room is not being used.

Maintaining this fight is necessary because King reminds that the Centre is usçd "by students who would like to go somewhere they see other people that look like them, that may have issues in comrnon with them." Shc describes the Centre as a comfon zone for the students and for her, and iust as she adorns her home with images of

Blackncss, n-hich give her cornfort, she does the sarne with the arnbience of the

Ccntrc. As shc suesses, 3's important for us if we're not reflected in other places to ut least have a place that we can go [to] and even if you don't talk to anyone, you still sec sornebody or something that you're connected to. 50 that helps with my mental health."

Similar to the conccrn of the politics of space is the poiitics of naming as rclatcd to thc lack of recognition given to the Centre. King shared that when

universin. events are organised on or off campus, the Black Student Advising Centre

n-pically is not listed as a Daihousie University department. This she feels creates the

impression that the Centre is independent of the university and thus an insignificant

~r~ganisationoff on its own. Hence its place in the university environment is deemed

insi

For manv Black professionals, being forced to juggle an overburdened workload in a workng environment where their work is not valued, or where they are underrepresented and therefore the only token Black professional, ultimately creates scverc health problems (hooks, 1993, James & Farmer, 1993). It then becomes parnmount to have a support nenvork in place. In King's situation, however, although shc gers support from feliow educators it is sometimes problematic rcconciling her concerns with theirs because the nature of the concerns differs. She csplains:

What it does to my state of health is similar to that of other Black professionals.... When you're one person. or one of so fcw in your department. mostly one. ..even if there's more. or sometimu two ... it's a burden in itself. because you push harder ...It's almost like you have... to make do ...and it's truc because you really do end up working over and above what you've - upected of you because you have to prove that yes, you're qualified. yes, you're performing and you're trying to meet white standards set up for white departments. when you're doing that without the proper resources. wi thout t he... suf f icient support f rom the university environment. Sometimes without suff icient support that's from the Black comrnuniîy as well, and also sometimes without ...the support of some of the students that you're serving. And that's difficult because it wears on people, because you don't have collcague~to address issues with ... Like 1 had to go to an aboriginal counterpart because there were no other Black student advisors to talk to about sitwtians, that we were dealing with and student problems... For instance if 1 dealt with people from the high school. then they tend only to be interuted in people from the high school... or someone thot deals with...p rimary schools and you know, and pre-university - that's where their focus is. So finding a support system... is very difficult... 50, you know. it does impact on your health. your physical health... And then if you're sick and you need to access bemefits and what not, that can become diff icult ... 1: know that the white counterparts state that they don't have us much difficulty US Black counterparts accessing benef its when you become ill, that kind of thing. So therefore. there's not an understanding of the impact of racism - that racism has on your healt hl and along with the self -doubt...decreased confidence. Iung Çurther elaborates on the impact that the racist environment has on her health:

...So then that means that in order to provide that service. that's more Wear and tear on the body... Likc 1 try to get flu shots once a year ... becausc of the number of people and the close proximity within my office... to prevtnt being sick more than usual. you know, 1 have - 1 developcd allergies sincc ï've betn there, environmental allergies. 50. you know, 1 buy vitarnim ...rm turning myself into a guinea pig. There's a lot more that Sm doing as an individual... to rectify and maintdn rny, you know. health. physically and mtntally. Because if you become sick. well of course you're going to become. you know, psychologically deprcssed... And there are different things that you do to make do ... like [having] Black images and images of people, of African descent around me.

With insufficient support from peers and the university, with limited access to hcalth bcncfm that cmaid in reducing stress levels, hooks (1993) sumrnarises this issuc b~ cmphasising that "Suess is a hidden killer underlying aii the major health problcms black women face" (p. 53) and highiights the deleterious impact on one's hcalth:

pA]ifcthreatening stress has become the normal psychological state for many black women (and black men). Much of the stress black people experience is dircctly related to the way in which systems of dominaaon - racism, sesism, and capitalism, in particular - disrupt Our capacities to fullv exercise self- detcrmination. @. 54)

Furthcrmorc,

K'hen wc feel we can no longer assert meaningfui, transformauve agency in our lives, when we are doing too much, when we experience an ongoing impending sense of doom, constant anxiety, and wvorry, stress has invaded Our lives and taken over. Without our even knowing quite how it happened, we have forgotten what it feels like to iive without debilitating stress. (hooks, 1993, p. 54)

For King working in what she describes as 'racist environments and inquitable environments." the abilin. to exercise self-determination and agency takes a toU because

'you con often f eel li ke a rat on a wheel." Working endlesslv with no real sense of validation makes her feel helpless because 'there are times where you, no motter how hard you work, no matter what you do, the system is not set up for you to succeed or progress." More to the point, 'not only ore you working in it, you're basically fighting against the people that are paying your paychque."

Essentiallv, while the university instimtionalises strucrures that purpon to lend authcnucitv to claims of diversi-, anu-racist policies and non-racist environments, thc~arc mcrc eserciscs in what King characterises as 'window drusing" and what

Fnrmcr (1993) equaiiv refers to as "place but not importance." Both characterisations rcicr to the tendencv of universities to situate Black people and Colourful people in positions that lack any opponunitv for advancement or ability to implement change.

In which case, rcal insunitional power for effective change, remains absent in spite of n scant visibilih or strong visibiliry of Black people.

Andrews' (1993) study of ilfrican American women in professional and administrau~cpositions highlights the esperiences of Black women in hist~ncall~ u-hitc acadcmic institutions, as similar to those shared by King. In Andrews' study, u-omcn werc forccd to make urgent decisions about necessary changes because issues such as salan discrimination and an overburdened workload caused them great ansiery. In some cases, the women had to alter their academic worldoad by distancing rhcmselves from their snidents or reducing the number of courses they ta~ight,for fcar of further burnout. As to Andrews' question of how these women manage to balance their professional and persona1 Lives under such working conditions, the women simplv stated that there is no room for balance. Andrews (1993) thus concludes from the women's narratives that they "juggle at bcst and throw the bail down at worst. Perhaps the dichotomy is a faise one.. .A more accurate description may be untangling the personai and the professional if, indecd, Black women would want to do that" (p. 193). Unfonunately, as detrimentai as this juggling acr is, sorne of the momen are forced to go ahead and play "the White man's game," as they called it, to survive economicaiiy. Others "rearrange their prioritics, back off from the stresson and, in a Çew cases, simply take their bal1 and

jacks and go home!" (Andrews, 1993, p. 194).

Nego ria ting Perceptions of Actiwsm

'1 need to know your interpretation of activism because 1 have difficulty placing rnyself under that definition."

As I becamc more aware of the work that King performs at the Black Srudent

.\dvising Centre, 1 came to see that it was a place for my understanding of various

nctivist :icuviucs. That her duties go far and bevond the parameters of the

univcrsity's dcscnption of advisor, that she feels invalidated and isolated because of

thc ovcrburdened and highly stressful work environment, reflect what Farmer (1 993)

summarises as "the racist manner in which administrators of color are treated [which]

rangcs from blatant disdain and disregard to subtle foms of exclusion" (p. 303). As a

rcsult, "the ucatment is patemaiizing and maternalizing, and always includes the

assumption that Whites Iinow best" (Farmer, 1993, p. 205). Bearing this in mind, 1 view the work rhar King engages on behalf of students as that of activism within the tradition of community othennothering.

With her cornmitment to the benennent of students' academic experience,

Lng continues to egg us on toward excellence while she works in an environment dcvalucd bv the universitv. One might wonder about the incentive and cncouragliment that she receives, if any at dl. Upon addressing this point, her instant rcsponsc is that having the opportunitv to see students successfully complete their univcrsity dcgree pesher the reassurance she needs, which gives her some sense of validation.

What encourages me to do what 1 do from day one ... is immediately the students... assisting the students. It's my way of giving bock to the community... doing my part as a community member. a black community member ... 1 feel like that is my contribution at this tirne, to assist the Black community, maintain and move on to the future. And that is not to say that ï'm - that 1have that on my shoulders alone... Ifs just that ifs my piece of that pie in terms of my contribution... If it means. you know, moybe mothering students a litt le here and there, sometimes. you know. people need... a big sister or somebody to give them a little. you know, 'How are you feeling today?'... Also when 1 see a student succeeding... it kind of re-energiseâ me and ...p eople say. oh well. it mus? be a very unrewarding position. It is financially [and] ...status wise in terms of if you look at moving up. But that's not what 1 took the position f or ... My acceptance of the position was to work with students, and if everything else falls down around me. at luut 1will always be able to say 1did my best and that 1 did it, genuinely from my heurt. And trying to preserve the positive attributes of being a member of the Black community, being a person. a womon - a Bhck woman of African descent. and, you know, hopefully helping to pave the way for those to follow ... And Sm not saying I'm God or any higher power or anything. but sometimes it takes somebody taking an extra step or just an extra minute to give someone that. you know. little spark to keep them going. And 1 think it's worth it ...

When I informdy approached King and told her I was considering her participation in chis oral narrative research, one of her immediate responses was, 'Oh,

I'm not an activist. you know. this isn't activism work." She did not agree with hou. 1 idcntifird her work in the university as that of activism. Although 1 brïefly explained, by associating aspects of her work to my understandings of activism, our discussion on definitions of activism continued throughout the year. 1would identify a particular action of hers within her home and at work, which related to a student's concern, and link chem to activist activities. She was not persuaded and her position

\vas maintaincd up und Our narrative sessions, wherein the question of why 1 felt she

\vas a fitting esample of an activist was raised again.

I have decided to insen the foilowing lengthy narraave excerpt as 1 believe it niakcs for an cngaging read of the various stages at which King and I negotiated our pcrccption of activist work, and to show how we finally came to a common ground that allowcd us to understand each others perception. King used the interview guide qucstion, "What does the term "activist" mear. to you?" and c'Would puconsider

1-oursclf an activist?" as a point of reference. At the first stage, she shared why she apxci to participate in the work and from that point we made some connections with our cspcricnces of puauing a Masters degree:

King: Activisrn in general, to me, like activism just meuns, oh, for me, that's people who are out with their placards, who are rnarching, people who want to be in the forefront, who want people to know that they're [doing] things for the community, who don? mind being involved with the media. You know, people who head up a lot of cornmittees and they're the ones who are constantly called on to make decisions for the comrnunity. That's what 1 sec as activism, in general...

Chioma: 50,with that def inition... it sounds like there's a reservation in. in the way you defined it.

King: Yeah, there's a big one ... that's my perception of what it is but 1 don't sec myself as f itting into that def inition.

Chioma: Could you just say you don't see yourself in that perception? 1s there a way of perceiving what you do, according to a different perception of activism? King: Well, to me that's standard. Thot's a standard description or the more popular description of activism. 1 know 1 do things that are active for the cornmunity, but they're subtle. They're behind the SCenes... they may not be perceived os carrying as much weight. but Sm not concerned with that. AS long as I'rn doing what - what little part 1 can take part in. 1 mean that's al1 1 wanted to do. 1 don't want people taking my picture. 1 don't give a lot of interviews. 1 don't. 1 won't do like television interviews or media storiu... 1 have in the pstdone odd things but. I'rn not cornfortable with how the important things that you do are often left out and the - and the whole concept of what you're trying gct across to people can be manipulated... At first I did interviews ôased on the topic and if 1 thought the person had a good. you know. had a topic that 1 could contribute to. Then 1 had to reduce it to, you know, why are they *king me to do the interview. 1s it for something that was due a month ago, and they show up the day before because my time is las valwble than someone else's? 1s it because it's something Black and sheosright there. so you go to her and she has to answer?... But one of the things that really bothered me is that a lot of people would come to akquutions about Black students, but when 1 suggcsted that they go bock into the resource roorn and speok with the students first hand, they weren't interuted. 50 the interview was finished at that point. They want an expert. 1 can't be an expert. 1 con only be a vehicle of change if Sm able to include the people they'ce talking about. or they want to research, or if I'rn able to contribute on their behalf ...Like for instance. wi th your research. If 1didn't think your research was valid. I wouldn't be doing this interview.

Chiorna: What maku it valid though?

King: It makes it valid. because you're interated. 1 like the fact that you're interested in the oral history, because it's so important. Most of our work is oral. 1 know. like even in my learning. rny experience with students, peers. CO-workersand co-students. when 1 was a student rnyself. or when I'rn studying... Some people are more comfortable verbally because you don't have to worry about your grammur, your this or that. you get ...the content. you get the most important ...therne of what you need to Say down and then you worry about the gramrnar and the punctuation later. And you get the essence. The essence becornes the core of what you have to Say, and there's more heart and ernotion behind what you're telling. And then some people are more creative on poper ...they con create lovely poetry that expresses what sorneone else con do orally and then, ifs like another form of media for the cornmunity. And you know. there's emphasis on who can rurd... Ifpeople were able to hear the stories verbally bnd] f'm not saying that people shouldn't try to rad, but then it doesn't cut them out of the education link... 1 think that we would have more of our history preserved if people were given the credibility of [oral] methods to... obtain that world history. That's what 1 liked about what you were doing... it gave credibility to the oral part of education... 1 know one of the difficulties 1 had in doing my [Maters] resurrch was. well if I'rn in an institution of higher learning. if I'rn supposed to truly learn from this experience, why do 1 have to restrict myself ta topics that don't reflect me if there's not enough content. Like for instance, rd Say if 1 were doing something with Black women that there wano rcsearch [on], why should 1 have to pick something else because there's not enoqh compared to the arnount of white literature. They say you have to have a hundred sources. If there's not a hundred sources, it's guite possible that... some professors could %y, well. we're sorry, you've got to have a hundred, so you can't do it.

Chiorna: ... we talk about sources and you tolk about creuting a bibliography for the research, 1 find that because the - the theorists, the outhors that ore typically used in the ciassrooms, in the women's studies classrooms, are not Black wom en...the tendency is to - is to be cornfortable then with what is there, with - with white women's writing. It's that taking the extra step to actually go and find out the works that are out there by Black wom -...or even redefining what it means for something to be a source or not O source... And sol what 1 find is that there're Black ways of ... doing theory or creuting ways to negotiate how we live... You con get references, you con get sourcu, you con get insights from other areas. 50 1 could go to Toni Morrison's 'Beloved" and find something there, and say, okay ... 1 con use this for my work and that moy not bc acccpted because it's [English] Literature... But the good thing, is that I sec womur's studics as being inter-disciplinary ... where you know, the two con connect. But I've noticed that it's common in our writing, Black Wornen's Writing... Black writing in general, that there's always that tie to Literature. to the [Literary] works.

King: It has to be because we have ta use what's available. and then also. what constitutes literature? 1s it because she's [Toni Morrison] a literary persan... or do people become credible when they win the... Prize for literary works ...At that stage, if they ' re saying the same thing they we're saying twenty years ago and now al1 of a sudden somebody recognises it. [does] that moka it truc academic?... 1 gue.~~my main concern is - is that there are sa many ways of knowing, learning and education.

Therc is no doubt in rny rnind from the above dialogue that King sees her work as one thar is valuable to the community and to the students, but she sa11 necdcd to gct a clearer picture of rnv classification of the work as acuvist work:

King: 1 need to know your interpretation of activism, becouse Ihave difficulty placing myself in - under that definition.

Chioma: Okay. How about - if 1 say a little bit about why 1 roqwsted your participation in this work, what made me think that what you did and what you do is act ivism?

King: Yeah, that sounds good to me.

Chioma: 1 see your role as the Black student advisor as one that liaises between the cornmunity, the Black community and the - and the academic, predominantly... white university ... 1 remwnber the first time 1 walked into the Centre and f saw al1 the - al1 the art pieces. 1 saw the posters on the walls. 1 sow images of Black men and Bhck wornen - Black mole and fernale achievcrs. 1 saw pamphlets - pamphlets on resources and services that are available in the Black communi ty... 1 looked around and ... 1 thought, okay this is. this is what the Centre does... to bridge, you know, the... community with the academic community, right, by increusing enrolment in the university... 1 would observe you, observe the way you interact with the students when they corne into the Centre. 1 noticed that 1 felt 1 was going into the Centre just to Say "hi," to sec you and you know, not necessorily wanting anything, but to go in.. and have that awarenus that 1 am walking into let's say a Black environment that is reflective of you know, Black images that are visible... Bhck books or, or pintings or swings, quota, you know, by Black achievers. And ïdwalk in and I'dSay hi to you ...appreciating what you did in that Centre, like what it meont for me to have somebody that I could... talk to about anything, or about nothing at all. But to know that if there was something that 1 wanted to talk about, that 1 had the option, 1 had a choice. That the resource is there for me ...1 am trying not to get too emotionol now but ...that's what you did for me, right, because I'm a newcomer here. You know, you opened your door to me ...so when 1 think of those things, 1 think of somebody who is doing activism ... of a different kind....

I conunucd to sharc my observations of her interactions with students, which 1 felt

Falls within Black women's activist tradition cf community othermothering:

Chiorna: ... 1 would also observe other students doing the same thing. They'd walk in [and say], "Oh, hi, Linda-Lee, how are you?" and you would sit down and you'd %y, "Oh, come and sit down. how are you?" ... You would actively ask, you know, how they were doing, how is school, is everything okay and ...make connections between their life as a student and their life os a mother or sister, brother, husband, wife.,.those different aspects, you know. of their being. When I'd sec you walk out of the Centre, it never stops. As you walk down - as you walk towards your car, a student rvould come up to you and you would stop ...You would never once say...'it's after five or it's after four-thirty, 1 can't speak to you, come back tomorrow" ...Then 1 started thinking of what it mus* mean, you know. for you when you do that work because you are the only person that the students have to go to in terms of going to somebody that they - that they would feel cornfortable talking to... because you're a Black woman and they're Black students ... So my ossurnption is that they would sooner corne to you than go to any other white, you know, administrator or any other white you know. outhoritative figure in the university. And when you invited me to your home, I also noticed that students also cal1 you here... after hours, even on the weekends. And 1 noticed that your home... was sort of open to them, in terms of them wanting to come over and discuss something with you. I rernember one student ... wanted a ride from the library, you know, and you orrangcd for them to be picked up, and this was on a weekend... and 1 was thinking-my goodness, this doesn't stop... After four-thirty on a Friday. it goes on ... I'm trying not to get too emotional now, but... that's what you did for me. right, because I'rn a newcomer here. You know, you opened your door ta me, and I'malso a student. And 1remember the first meeting we had... 1 had some concerns about a ruearch project 1 was doing, but it felt good that 1 could talk to you know, somebody comfortably without censoring my words. you know ... One of my profusors. right, Barbara Keddy... wos the one who referred me to you... And so when 1think of those things. 1 think this is somebody who is doing activism. you know. of a different kind... 50 I wantcd to sort of talk to you... to ...g et an understanding of what some of the concerns are that students hove... and... what motivatu you in your work ... 1 thought it would be interesting to talk to you and sec what encourages you and also to f ind some encouragement for myself dong the way.

King: Interms of an activist. that's ...a support person, it's something 1 have a cornmitment to. Ifthere's something 1 con do to assist a studont or encourage them to, you know. take something on themselves. or to help them, you know, analyse the situation or even problem solve... if 1have the capacity, then 1 do it and 1 see thot as part of rny job. 1 sec that as part of my commitrnent as a Black woman to - the betterment of my community ... in terrns of giving back.

i. A Moment of Rupture

What 1 later realised was happening al1 dong during our discussions, was not that King could not perceive herseif as an activist, but that she was not comfortable with thc terms 1 was using to illusuate my meanings. Hence, she decided to describe

hcr work in diffèrent terms, and this began the second stage of our negouation:

King: But I still can't quite picture that as activism.

Chioma: But you - you use key words in thot you say, you're providing support ...You Say it's a way of helping your community.

King: Uh-hmm. Well, it's beyond the individual. It's beyond the student as an individual, if's beyond me as an individual. Whatever we do, it's comrnunity. Whatever we do. if we're na* to someone, if we're nice to someone outside the community, inside the community, it reflects on the community. So, that's why 1 Say it's community-based.

Chioma: When 1 was thinking of this work, 'cause a key theme in this work is. you know, subversion, subverting, you know. the ways that Black women are made invisible by crrmting a visible frame that would allow us to rediscover [oursclves]; not discover because we've always been talking and we've alwoys been sharing... So. by using activism here, you know, 1 thought of subverting ...the traditional perception of what activism is.

King: Hmm.

Chioma: ... but in terms of, you know carrying the placards on the streets.

King: No, 1 carry them invisibly

Chiomo: There you go.

King: I carry invisible placards. By rny presence. by advocating on behalf of students. By advocoting on the importance of maintaining contact with the Black community ... Now if you soy 1 had an impact on student's lives and I guus indirectly it's - it would be under family and the community, but 1 had a hard time making that connection until - until you, you know, rcally uplained to me and you - unfortunately you had to keep explaining to me ...why 1 was a possible candidate for you research because... 1 saw what 1 did as important and that it had value. It may not have been receiving value but 1 wasn't even concerned with that. 1 was just doing what 1 f elt needed to be done based on rny commitment to... the job f had accepted and the people that I was working with and for. And 1 considered myself to be working with and for, not only the university because they pay my salary. but the students and al1 the branches to the community.

For Lnçand me, this was a moment of rupture, of awareness, because it was thc closest iüng hnd corne to understanding mÿ definition of her work as activism.

Shc dctincd hcr rolc as carqing invisible placards, and this aptly marched my subïcrsion of traditional conceptions of activisrn that conjured imageries of public protestations on the Street. King descnbed her work as 'behind the scenes work" and that was preciselr whr 1 regarded her as an activist. Regardless of whether her commitment ro the betterment of the students and the Black community \vas pcrformed in front of the scenes, publiciy, or in her office or at her home, it was still uwrk pcrformed to empowver students. Anyone who has had the oppominity of spealiing to King in her advisory role or of gaining some knowledge of the detailed work she does, would corne to the conclusion that what she does is anything but behind the scenes. This has been my expenence as stated above in our dialogue.

ShhgImpressions

As wc reached the end of Our session, King posed a four-part quesaon to me that addressed Our location as Black women in the university. She wanted to know my perception of the value that the university places on: a) Black students b) Black

Staff and Facultv c) Black Community d) Black Research. My response was a long one that created more dialogue berween King and me and so I offer a verÿ bief s\mopsis of our eschange:

Chioma: I'm thinking ...about this thuis work that Sm doing and al1 thue questions... are being addressed in the work, but 1 suppose a short response to 'What value does Dalhousie University place on Black students. Black staff and faculty, Black community and Black rueurch?' will be no value at al1... 1 always f ind this part really painful to answer because of my experience, you know, in gradwte school, so far, and because of al1 the obstacles that I've had to overcome and challenges that I've had to face..Let's just say ... 1 don't feel that there's any value really, that is placed on Blockness. I look at al1 these questions and I'lljust term them al1 under ..."Blackness" ...' '1 think about how rnany faculty, how many Black faculty there ore in Dalhousie. 1 think there are about thirteen, 1 think [most of them] are part time... for Dalhousie University, sitwted in a province such as Nova Scotia, that has a rich and dynamic history of original Black people in Canada, 1 expect to see more than thirteen faculty members... 1 also upect to sec more Black students and 1 also expect to sec ... Black curriculum... in rny program; I'rn in a women's studies program and 1 don? sec that. really. 50. to put it very mildly. Dalhousie really doesn't place any value at al1 on - on reseorch or on Black epistemology in general ... otherwise as Black students, we won't be craving and longing to see ourselves in our clas~rooms.We won't be craving to hear about Our experiences... of Our own histories. to hear of role models that encourage US ... And thatOswhy this - this work that I'rn doing is. is in defiance to that, to that perspective, to that position that Dalhousie holds to say that for me to celebrate who 1 am. to celebrate Blackness and to satisfy that longing... 1 have to f ind a way to creote epistemology that celebrates who we are as Black people and to challenge myself while doing that. And 1 say challenge because when you're - when you're in a white dominant academic setting and you see whiteness al1 around you ... sometimes, not sometimes, for the most part it is really hard to try and transgress and to do work that cclebrates who you are, because they. the readings in our classrooms don't allow us to celebrate who we ore. Ah, the professors don't celebrate who we are, they ignore us. They don't see us. So when - when you're constantly facing that every day, it's hard sometimcci, just, you know, to rnuster up the courage to say, okay, at this point ï've had enough ... enough is eaough, 1 con no longer participate in contributing to white epistemology. 1 con no longer review white epistemology and things like that. You have to Say, you know, 1 have to find myself. 1 have to find work that situatu me and who 1 am and celebrate that location. So, it's a very, very short answer to a big, big question, but in a nutshell that's - thot's my response.

King: Uh-hmrn. Inyour work, how would you place or would you place yourself as an activist by including me as Black Student Advisor in pur work?... Like to me, that places you as an activist ... 1 view you as you using your uperience with the university and also with the centre...^^ more or lusa trigger to speak about it in your work. And you said when you came to bolhousic, that you -thot you expected more faculty, more staff, more students ...what did you expect when you came to the Black Student Advising Centre?

Chioma: 1 didn't have... any preconceived you know, perceptions. The only information 1 had on the Centre was information 1 got from the Internet while 1 was in Toronto, and when I saw that. 1 thought, oh, well, if there's a Black Student Advising Centre there, that means, you know, there's u strong Black presence on campus. When 1 walked into the space [the Centre]. it was e~ouragingto sec al1 the al1 the Black artefacts, faces. imageries on the walls ...In hindsight ... 1 realised yau know, there's ...the politics of... space allocation...' cause your office isn't exact ly ...t he most spacious office. I mean, you've wor ked at making it... hospitable by putting... Black imageries on the wall, Black frames...p osters, calendars.... But 1 see. knowing what 1know now about ... universities, allocation of space and the politics of what department gets what space, what f loor, what corner office and dl of that. 1 reolise that we are... rnarginalized... in that space. And the resource room could be bigger, but it could be big. 1 should Say. 50.1mean, for a - for a Centre that - that aims to encourage you know, Black students ... to stay ...Dalhousie University ... does not do a good job in telling Black students that they are important or that they matter while they are in the university... And aII of that is politics... and 1 mmifs like you said, it's window dressing, and even at that it's a terrible window display. Nevertheless, walking t hrough the Centre, 1 mean it encourages me...

King: 'Cause 1 found what you said interesting with respect to the fact that os a graduate, a Black graduate student that you notice the difference between an area. that is under-raourced...as opposed to... students [who] set me ...as someone that's stressed or cun't handle things... as opposed to someone that is juggling too many things on a plate..JO, ites, it's comforting to set that someone you know, that is progressing to the levels of academia is able to have the sensitivity and to see the diff erence between... the gwlity of service in spite of... being under-resourced. Because that is a concern of mine that you know, that it could ursily be identified as oh, well, a person doesn't know what they'rc doing or whatnot because of ... the racing around, the talking to one or two, three people at a time. You know, sorneone coming knocking at the door while wc're having a meeting... 1 f ind that that's very comforting for me [what you said] and cncouraging in terms of me being able to you know, continue with the work Sm doing.

Chioma: Any student that has you know, any cornmon smse... will be able to tell that ifs, it's a buqoffice, that the work that you do is not. is not minimal in any way. 1 observed how the students interact with you. they interact with much ease, and sometimes that could be a problcrn because they forget that you know, you have a professional duty to deliver at the same time. And so, you know, they may not be considerate of that part of you. But 1 man, your genuine concern in their well being and their academic work ...tells them, 'Well, okuy, this person cares" in spite of what the room looks like.

Kiry: ...y ou know, people will come by and there's nobody there, whether ï'm in my office with the door shut ... so in tams of studtnts coming and feeling well there's no one here... if it's ...periods that I'm unavailable...

Chioma: But if they come there and don't sec anybody at the front to greet them, that's the - that's the university's fault, because the university has not hired a full time support staff for you. So 1 mean, if they had a problem like that, then they should go and talk to the people at the top and cornplain about it.

Ki: 50 we def initely will place you as an act ivist because you took a big challenge and a big risk doing the type of rucorch that you're doing ...1 wish you the batof luck and 1 know that you will be successf ul.

Chioma: Well, we'll see when it's over. Thank you and thank you for this bookmark that says "Don't Quit."

King: You're welcome.

Chiorna: Yeah, 1'11 remember it.

King: Uh-hmm. You should, and you won't.

Chioma: And 1 won4tquit. Thankyou.

King: You're welcome. Conclusion

Concluding King's narrative, she informs of how her standpoint as a Black woman influences her role as the Black Student Advisor. This standpoint is one she roots in the community othermothering tradition of Black women. She passionately summanses:

Based on my upbringing. 1 view womm as ... bcing a backbone of the Black community. Theylre usually the people that pull and kap the communities going and the familiu together, whether they're single parents, whether. you know, you have aunts raisin9 children, whether you have the uncle as a father figure. like the variation within the families. It's usuolly a woman that's - that's the key, the person bringing that together and holding it truc. So, as a woman. although 1 don't have children, 1 don't see it as a negative thing. because I'm able to mother al1 kinds of people, babiu to adults, whether they like to be rnothered or not. Some of them need and want to be mothered. so, I'm able to give some of that extended family to people who 1 just happen to adopt, or just corne in contact with. You know, just passi-) through, or you know, sometimes you're able to touch people's lives and that is what 1 see as our community role.

Furthcrmorc.

Yesl it ties in [to my role as Black student advisor] and it ties in because OS long as 1 have a Say in how 1 fulfil that role, that they have to take me OS a Black woman, and as someone that believes in the utended family and the importance of community. 50 if they want an Uncle Tom. Aunt Linda-Lee. they're not going to get it. Fourth Narrative

Chioma Ekpo

Swiching rules: From resevcber to participahg nurator

1 begn my narrative by first sharing the suucture of my interview, in terms of bccominç a participant in my oral narrative research work. h particular process that crcared much considerauon as I conternplated being a participant, was the process of locating somcone who would interview me for the work. It became apparent that it had tr) bc somcone who was familiar with the work 1 was doing, was aware of my own standpoint within, and someone with whom I could trust shanng intimate aspccrs of ml. life. These factors made me appreciate the delicate nature of oral narrative research, as mv role was reversed from interviewer to participant.

Aftcr carcful thought, and suuggle, 1 decided to have rny supervisor, Wanda

Thomas Bernard, interview me, as she had especience in conducting oral narrative rcsearch. The obvious formal relationship berneen the nvo of us made me consider

tl~cpossibility that 1 would not be relaxed enough, to reach a level of vulnerability

ncccssan- to share inamate and painful experiences. Moreover, it would not be

~ppropriarcto censor and pre-package mv role as participant when the other

participants had kindlv agreed to invite me into the private spaces of their livcs for

mlvuork. Following ml- interview session, 1 realised that in fact the forma1

rclauonship benveen mç- supervisor and me affected rny abilin. to speak freely. 1 had

censored some of my words while describing some of my feelings. Consequently, I decided to have an additional person, who dso had csperience in conducting oral narrative research, interview me. Coming to this dccision was not an easy one but it was one that 1 felt would honour the notion of inscrung myself in the oral narrative research. Furthermore, 1 felt that the women had csperknccd a level of vulnerability that cornes with participating in oral narrauve rcsearch, and so it would not be right to have rny own narrative censored. 1 then rcqucsted the assistance of Linda-Lee King, for she had experience in oral narrative rcsearch from her Masters work. Given her busy schedule with work, she was unable to accornmodatc my request.

1 wcnt on to request the assistance of Ruramisai Charumbira, a Ph.D. student at the Cnivcrsitx of Toronto. Shc graciously agreed to pamcipate in this work and intcnicw rnc. I should note chat she was a fitung choice as she had been involved in this iourncy. In mv longing for Blackness in this work, her encouragement from its inccption to completion was consistent. Hence, the excerpts in this narrative are presented as a dialogue benveen the NO of us.

Considering that throughout this work 1 use personal pronouns of "1" and

"\KY' to indicate a connection with some of the issues and esperiences discussed in this work, one should note that some parts of my narrative reiterate these cspericnccs. The! are left in, however, to reveal the processes 1 went through in coming to this work, which were not specificallv noted in the methodologv chapter.

Thev Are left in as "raw" information, behind the scenes experience, so to speak, of

mv rolc as u-riter, rcsearcher, and student, in this work. Structure of the N-tive

Some parts of Our narratives are intempted with thematic signposts that

illusuate the meaning of certain terms used in this work. In addition, the responses

are presented in a dialogue format between Rurarnisai Chammbira and me. By using

hcr first name, it is done with a sense of reverence for the safe space that she created

so that 1 could be less scared and cautious about ueading into this territo. of

intimate rcvclations. Thus addressing her by her surname would be a disservice to

the atmosphere of farniliarity that guided me during our narrative session. More

important, it is an honour to Ruramisai Charumbira as she suggested the idea of

inscning mu voice in the narrative research as one of the narrators. She saw the

libcratory potcntial of doing so as it would also ailow me to give voice to mv own

cspcrrcnces.

FinaIlv, I do not mediate mv narrative with Literature texts for tu.0 reasons.

First, inserung literature texts would be repetitive considering that the issues that

iorm thc discussion in my narrative centre on the topic of Black students educational espericnces, which have been addressed in chapter three with supporthg Lirerature.

Second, leaving out the literature test allows for a bit of creativity in the presentation of the narrative interview.

Introduction

Onc miçht sar that my narrative is one of a migraung joumey. 1 say so

bccausr the gcneral design of this thesis work, its contents and meanings, have al been informed by my experience as a Black Igbo woman from Nigeria, who moved to Halikx, Nova Scotia to pursue a Masters degree in Women's Studies. Specificaliy, the choice to move to Nova Scotia was influenced by the heritage of Black people in

Canada. For these reasons, I was moved to make cenain choices in the design of this work and my location in it, and so from my narrative excerpts, 1 share some of the cvcnts that informed those choices. 1 aiso share of how 1 came to the decision to insert myself as a pamcipant in my oral narrative research.

1 was born in England in 1972. Mv father, Odoziaku Ekpo, and mother,

Teresa Hibbert, met in England dunng their studicts at the University of Birmingham.

.\IV fathcr is an Igbo man fiom Nigeria and my mother is from England. Two years aticr my birth, we moved to Toronto, Canada, and at the age of four, ive left for homc, Nigcria. Some years later, mv parents got divorced and my mother moved back to Toronto.

Throughout the yars, my mother visited me in Nigeria and at the age of sistecn, following the completion of rnv secondq education at boarding school, I movcd to Toronto to [ive with mv mum.

My father later remarried and with my stepmother had, four children, and so 1

have one sistcr, and three brothers. My sister lives in Chicago, where she prepares to tinrol in Medical school, at the Universin. of Illinois. The rest of our farnilv is in i. Childhood Mernories

The first question that came up during our interview session was directed at mr esperience of doing the oral narrative research with Maxene Prevost Shephard,

Linda-Lee King, and Joyce Ross. This was my response:

Yeah. um, it reminded me of home. Goirw) back home to rny village; that would be Nigeria...[Y ou] go home and you can see the elderly people. You sec your grandparents, everybody in the village coma around, you know. You are congregating. you are talking. You talk about the year gone by, and you plan for the year aheod, you know as family and things you have to do. And then unclu and the aunts talk to the niecu and the ncphews about school encouraging them in school. Or reprimanding those who didn't do well in school. And [the narrative uperience] reminds me of the encouragement that you get from farnily, from the older relatives. What it means, to have those kinds of role rnodels that believe in you and they keep you going.

I harc inserted this response here as a way of introducing out narrative session becausc this description represents some of my most vivid mernories growing up, of ping to our hmilv home in the village, where my grandparents resided. The? resided in what was formcrly known as Imo State but is now Abia State. Eveq year, we al1 gathcrcd in the village during the Christmas holiday, for a week or nvo. This was pan of our family vacation, which provided the opportunity to see uncles, aunts, and cousins, and ro essentially catch up on the year's progress and activities, and plan for the one ahead. The sense of community, of togetherness that those gatherings svmboliscd, \vas what Shephard, Ross, and King came to symbolise.

ii. Negotiating Experience through Migrating Identities

Hcreon, lve continued to talk about the research experience: Ruramisai: What was your experience like, in terms of doing the oral narrative research with Shephard, Ross, and King?

Chioma: What 1 found was that through the interviews 1 was doing with them 1 realised that they were giving me sornething that 1 needed throughout. which was a sense of connection to the cornrnunity, ta the history here. It's like this was like what 1 was longing for. craving for al1 the while, wanting to be nurtured... wanting to learn about ... the~ewomen's lives. And Umm, I did end up talking to three women in the comrnunity. 1 didn't want to talk to wornen who had been profiled a lot. throughout. because 1 was thinking there are so many stories amongst so-called ordinary women that 1 would like to top into... to use to heal myself and to also create you know o site of visibility for their voic es...So by rendering them visible. then 1 render myself visible as well. and forrn myself in the procus through their own stories.

Ruramisoi: 50 what is this businus of "fighting words" in your thesis title?

Chioma: [qhe f ighting words refers to. it's fighting in a loving way. but ifs still a fight. It's still a struggle but some with love and longing... to find words that can nourish me, Black words. Black loving words, that con nourish me, as a Black woman in white academia trying to affirm myself. trying to you know create Black epistemology t hot renders... Blac k women visible and positive. Thot's what the fighting words are. Fighting for words. fighting for their own stories. fighting for their faces. their pictures. their own experiences in the work that celebrates who they are. Because even the books that we have on Black history, renders them [Black women] invisible... Yeah so that's what this thing is about really. ït is about words. seeing the words. reading people's own words ...1 was searching for myself. 1 had to you know ground myself in this location... os a Black woman. 50 1 had to attend to that and you know find things that would connect me and to be able to voice it... to actually name names.

Ruramisai: So you had to came to Nova Scotia, and to connect, and to do that connection. 50 thon the shock of being in a white dominant community, what did this do? What does the meaning of community mean to you now?

Chioma: For me community rneant, community meant watching the news. hearing of someone getting shot by the police and hoping that the person that was shot was not a Black male. Community meant assessing and analysing critically. you know, images cf Black women and men in the media. That kind of thing. right. So for me that was the medium, it was always through media, because 1 had no strong affiliation to any. you know, Black organisations per Say. 1 did work for a few though... But I would do this sort of community thing in my own private space in my own home... to see how we are portrayed... by the dominant culture and to sec how ... thcy characterise us negatively. render us invisible and al1 of that crap. So that's what it was. Incoming here it became more. 1t became something that would have to you know, cal1 me in and embrace me and hold me and heal me, ucep? I didn't know how because in my mind community was something that wa~out there...[ like] a block called 'community" in a...location. But now that has changed because it hm corne to mean the connections inside that 1 have to... different people. different Black people, different Black fami lies, different Black historical figur es...

In bndging the physicd distance of community with an intimate feeling of a sense of communin., I illustrate further:

Chioma: It became a question of me attending community events, whm 1 arrived here in Nova Scotia. Seriously finding out, you lurow. where we are, where are the Black people... What are we doing. how are we mobilising ourselvu right... 1 started realising yeah, this is where wc are. We are here. Right. Umm, we may go home and look at the news and we rnay not sec ourselvu. We may go to the classroom and pick up textbooks and not sec ourselves. 60 through the libraries... walk through campus and not see ourselves. But we are here and we are doing work. And we are visible and we are alive... we are active. you know we are not dormant. we are not stagnant. you know, shit is happening. Umm, so al1 of this. 1 had to reconcile this now with my own schoolwork... at this junction between academia and community... 50 community now meant that ...my own academic work had to be fulfilling. Itmeans that I would have to have... those affective elements, you know, of education... what it means to learn about yourself as a Black woman: to learn about other Black women. It's incorporating that into your own work. Thot shifted a lot.

Ruramisai: Incoming to Halifax, coming into a more dominant white university, 1 was just wondering if you con remember a story or an incident that happened to you in university that can illustrate at your own personal level in school. things that happened, that shift in feeling?

Chioma: Itwould be an overall image. When I think of boarding school at home and 1think of the award recognition ceremonies right? And 1 think of when they are calling out the nom=...of girls... who have graduated from school. And they are al1 Black girls. you know, going up to the stage and getting their awards... academic awards, awards for their duties as prefects, things like that. Then 1 corne here and I'm looking at who is getting recognised... ad 1 am not seeing too many Black faces. 50 1 think. where are we. what's going on. Right? Umm. And 1 think of teachers as well. you know, teachers and profusors. That's a big one for me becuuse Lnever had a Black teacher. I can count ...how many Black professors 1had ... when 1 came to Canada, actwlly , 1.2.3. I'd Say three at U of T. And that was in my latter years. my final year actually ...Yeah. three Black professors and then 1came here and ...enrolled in a class for a short time. f t was an African Americun English literature class. And 1 am sitting in the class and 1 am looking at this Black professor [Ant hony Stewart], and 1 am thinking "Wow. what a feeling to look up and see a Black person at the front of the class." And that's when 1 realised 1 had not had many Black professors, teachers. in any [course]. not necusarily, Black... But just. you know overall. Rurarnisai: Okay, so then this wholc process of your going to Nova Scotia, and going through the program... what Ied you to that point? Interms of what you are saying, is it important for you to work towards being affirmed and recjaining that sense of yourself , growing up in an al1 Black environment? Maybe you con tell me a bit more about your acadcmic uperience... about the processes that Ied you to this choice as back as you con remember, trying to find yourself ..-A bit more of your om personai story of whatever happuied to you specifically ...that affected you as a Black woman in a white progrom?

Chioma: Inorder to create this site of visibility of Black women's voices, 1 had to put aside white women's work, white feminist work, and now say ok it's now time to go and f ind myself and bring it into the work. Find Black Canadian women's voice. And when 1 Say voicrs 1 mean cither stories you know, or just writers, whomever they may be right? So that if 1 wakc up one morning 1 con list more than twenty Black Canadian women writers, historical figures. politicians, community leaders, things like that. So in that regard 1 have to transgress because when you are so used to learning about white women and white men woys of knowledge, uperiencu and al1 of that, it really weighs on you and you losc yourself complctcly, that you forget to ask "Where am I?" So one morning you wake up and you start asking "Where am 17" You know, 1 mean there's this, 1 saw this quote ifs just classic. ft's on the Black report that was put out by, 1 believe it is a Black educators group here in Nova Scotia. And it said something along the lines of 'the Black child is Iearning about the lives of the white child" something about the Black child is learning about the white child's experiencu, right, while the white child is living the life that he's learning about. Right? 50 he [or she] learns white epistemology... learns the f orefathers and foremothers of white epistemology. And we memorise their names until Our dying day. And what do I have, 1 have nothing... 1 remember thinking that is so telling. 1 just rat there and radover those words, over and over again. AS simple as it sounds, it just said a lot ...1 said, well you know if this thuis is supposed to be mine, then 1 have to moke it mine.

Ruramisai: A positive voice pushed you towards community.

Chioma: Oh definitely it did because it was you know, it was by attending different community events in the Black community that 1 was able to Say, we are here, we are alive, we are doing stuff and we've got storiu to tell. We've got our own experiences to talk about. You know, if 1 am going to get that information, get that knowledge 1 am going to have to go back to the source. And not rely on the fact that my Dalhousie librory does not have the information. And the information they have needs to be advanced and updated or even the fact that we have more information and more literature on you know Black Americans, than we do on Black Canadians.

Rurarnisai: So in a way then it becomes important for you to sort of become privately reconstructing Blackness. Chioma: And that's how 1. in that regard, 1 had to transgress mentally. To ... resolve to include... to bring in you know. Black women's voicu into the work. To say. this is where we arc. These arc our words. Umm. and it wasn't an tory thiry to do. Because when you are so used to reading about white ferninism and white women's writing. al1 that stuff 1 mean, what happas is you don't even know you're own work. You don't even know Black women's work. You don't even know what's going on in their own lives. So then you have to say. thu, where do you begin? How do you now start to create you know this epistemology that is going to heal you and offirrn who you are in this work. and do it in a way that is so lovingly done that it becomu this greatest strength. that it becomu more than a thuis. It becornes more than a degree. It becomes something that you know empowers you in the process.

iii. S t rategising toward Transgression

Ruramisai: Ok. So would you say that you know. from the quote that you said, you know, Black children learn what white children do. what you see what they've done ... what would you Say would be an important issue for Bhck people or Bbck students like yourself who are like in academia in terms of profiling Black people? Like what strategies... would thcy use? How do you work to profile?

Chioma: 1realised that if you are going to transgress as a Black student in a white university. Black studmt in a white high school. Black student in a white kindergarten playground, if you really work at affirming yourself and your own serue of identity and your own history you've rcally got to love yourself. You really got to love that heritage. You've really got to love that history and corne to realise what it means. Right? Because f unny enough. 1 realised, 'cause you often hear "Oh you know learn your history. Oh you have to know your history. This is your heritage." And just recently 1 really understood what it means for you to learn your history. And what that meant for me in this work, was to leurn about Black Canadians' history here in Nova Scotia and the entire country. It mcant learning about Black women. their uperiences and what they had done. whether it was those who were wri tten about or those you know who were just talked about. Itmeant memorising the names of these Black women, rnemorising their date of birth. memorising the communities they came from, right? Comrnitting al1 of this to memory, so that if 1 am walking down the street and 1am thinking "Okay, how am 1 going to get through this today?"... 1 can go back and Say well you know a Black woman 1 read about who had that grocery store in Preston, that persevered dl those years you know, imagine how she did it at that tirne. 50 1would make these kinds of connections. Right? So if you ore student now that gets to the point where you Say ok. enough is enough. And it doesn't corne easily. 1 know that you know Black's schools we are not learning about ourselves, but there cornes a point where we must insist that when we are going to do Our work that would do work that gives us plcosure. niekind of pleasure that cornes from reading about yourself. and when 1 say reading about yourself. reading about Black people al1 around. You know. Or even generating the knowiedge you know ..about you know. the woman next door that lived 70 years and has stories to tell ...and not just take it and say well 1 can't do it. Not just wait till the final paper where you now transgress. 'Cause that's what we do. We always wait until the final paper and then sqnow we are going to do it on "Black da da da' 'cause that's the tirne for us to do what we want to do. We've got to say sornething even when we are in the classroom during the courses, and look at that white professor and say, you know when you talk about women doing this and that...y ou know. what women are you talktng about? Do you rnean white womtn, do you mean Bhck women. colourful women? Which women are you talking about? Just let me know so that 1 know ...what kind of images... 1 can work with in my head. And you know it's so painful. It's a painful thing to do.

Ruramisai: From what you just said, waiting for the final paper in this case for you, where is the gap in terms of self and community itself. training to love one's self? Where is the connection, where is the link in how you transgress?

Chioma: Well 1 think of the home. And 1 think of you know. Our families. relatives, our extended families, that we would have in the home. And we looked at them you know as our links in terms of creating this, you know, loving character of ourselves because we surely can't look outside of the home. You can't look to whiteness to do it for us. You can't look at white media to do it for us. So we have to start sornewhere. We have to do it from within. So for me that's what cornmunity events do, they serve as reminders you know of what we are. what we have accomplished and what we con accomplish. Umm. there that's sense of unity that you know we can carry this through. to the end. Through the high schools and through the universities.

Ruramisai: Trying to find whether you can bring Black social structures. you know li ke the extended family for example, kinship right. You have aunts and uncles and whomever in the whole gamut of everybody to say. you know, that's how a Black child lives. They are used to that in the relations like respect your elders. and al1 that things that's going into it. To Say if... the institution. academia, was structured like that, it would be easier for Bhck people to Iearn you know. would it make a difference in terms of creating knowledge of Black epistemology that is affirming and says something.

iv. The Business of "Blackness" & Activism

Ruramisai: 1 said bef ore we are going to talk about Blackness. and 1 gue~swe have been to a certain degree sort of talking about it, but 1 was just wondering if you could still clarify it in terms of ... tell me a bit mare about what Blackness means to and for you ... of how it's important in your project. Chiomo: The word "Blackness." Whui 1 sec it and when 1 use it, it jumps at me. You know it's this exciting word that radiates the beauty and knowledge of what Black people's uperiencu are. With al1 the pain and with al1 the joy, but we did it. To Say this is who we are, this is how we are, and we are working to create loving subjectivities of ourselvcs as Black people. So it encompasses all of that ... Blackness, sometimes it's def iant, you know. Umm.... exciting and it's just out there. Grabbing what is entitled to me as a Black person. as a Bbck woman. Right?

Ruramisai: Does it have anything to some dqree a sort of hinting at activism 1 guess, when you say def iance and getting what is worth?

Chioma: The idea of saying, 1 have had uiough of this shit. It is time that 1 do something. It is time that 1 stopped you know, 1 wouldn't say complaining, it's time that 1 start saying ok let's start doing. ït's time that 1 start doing. Otherwise if I don't do, if a white woman coma up to me and asked me so what are you going on about? What am I going to say? 1 need to Say something. 1 need to have something that lifts me up.

Ruramisai: Ok. So when you, in the proccu of doing then it becomcs important to f inding yourself in the sense of who you are as a Black woman.

Chiorna: Absolutely ... When I started considering umm talking to Black women for this work, 1 was interested in Black women who were activists in the community right? And different ways of activism ...a wornan who would tutor a couple of students, you know, three tirnes a week ...or a woman that would cook and shore with the neighbours, right. 50 I was looking for, you know, thue women who are active in the community, doing work to develop you know their seme of Blackness and a sense of who they are, in different ways, on different Ievels. And 1 realised, when we talked about what this whole community thing has mccint for me, 1 realised that for this work I would have to do an activism of my own. 'Cause in celebrating these Black women's livu and their activism. 1 would have to create one of my own. So that 1 con truly nourish myself and truly heal myself and satisfy my own longing for the radiant Blacknus. And it happened, what eventually happened was an activism intellectually, in terms of decolonising my mind in how 1 sec white epistemology and Black epistemology, in terms of not validating Black epistemology with white epistemology. And particularly, saying "this is our knowledge and this is it. 1 don't need you to approve it"... And it's a very very -, ifs so revealing when you start to redise that, for me anyway, when 1 wos doing this research 1 had al1 these white feminists methods text books, white feminist theory books. and 1 am looking and 1 am thinking how am 1 supposed to be affirrning my sensibility here. if 1 am going to search for Black women's voices in white ferninist methods... that kind of thing ... And 1 started realising that we have Our own ways of doing things ... They are methods and they are theories and 1 have to find where they are, and soy this is theory. A woman is talking about her life, she saying for me to get through the day this is what 1 have to do. That's theory. She hasn't titled the conversation theory making, but that is what she is doing. 50 you know, the funny thing about this whole, 1 was going to say nonsense, the f unny thing about women's studiu is that, the whole idea of women's knowledge, women's way of da da da. right? Yeah ok. so it's white wornen's way of knowing, white wornen's uperiences, and 1 have to say no. Ok your experience is that uperiencc and that theory works for you. good. Now let me f ind one that works for me. It is for me, and I am going to find the method that work for me. And that4show this whole thesis developed. The method of even corning to it, it was a process on it's own.

Ruramisoi: Thot's very interesting, you actwlly just started speaking into my next question, which you might want to follow it in a little bit more detail if you have any particular rnemories of something that you might just want to officiate this story along with ...1 know you just sort of hinted on it a little bit, to say what does that mean, what does the change of going through that proctss of having to chose that, knowing that it cannot validate in theory, theory cannot be validated as method in what's relevant or oral narrative have in terms of Bhck womur's ability of creating Black epistemology.

Chioma: Hmmm. 1 was thinking the other thing. And, 1 thought ok well I think it is interesting in hearing what Black women are saying so how about 1 go and find Black wornen that will talk to me and share their lives with me. And because throughout the whole year with my conversations with friends, my experiencu were a whole narrative of ifs own. This whole thuis experience, trying to affirm myself as a Black woman in this white academic setting.

Ruramisai: Yeah, how do you say, like your own experience of coming to it, the feeling of it, you know you Say like you always interested and con you build on that and how you actually processed that in corning.

Chiorna: 1 know. 1 will give you an example. Umm. There is a calendar that 1 have. It's a 1998 Black Inventors calendar... 1had this calendar al1 this while but 1 never really went through it and this calendar has al1 this literature right on Black inventors. When I started doing my research for this narrative work. 1 came across a book on oral nurratives of Black wornen [sec Vat, 19971. And a particular chapter focused on Black women inventors, in the States. So I am reading this chapter ...thinking this is... an interuting chapter, about ... Bbck women inventing products. And because they are Black, [they decided] ...to seIl their products at a very very cheap price because they knew that no one [would] buy a product from them because they were Bhck women. So they seIl the products through a white Company, and they get pidcrap. But that's their invention and of course they don? get credit for it. But in that particulor chapter 1 rad these accounts and then just the other doy 1 opened the calendar and 1 saw one of thue women on this particular month. And 1 am thinking "oh my god, 1know this woman's name." This is the woman 1 was reading about months ago, and here she was al1 this time in my calendar. And when that happened I started thinking. you know, about the joy of knowing names. and knowing who these people are and knowing what they've done. Ruramisai: So you using the oral narrative as a method of doiq your research became important to profile Black womvi's stories for you?

Chioma: Ys, it givu me a chance to hear you know words of wisdom coming forth. Itgives a chance for the woman to talk about their own livcs. In a way they haven't done before perhaps. Especially for academic work. Becawe academia, they don't care, they don't care about our own storie, they don't care about Our own experiences. 1t's not academic enough. whatever academic is.

Ruramisoi: Ok. so in a way thm as a Black person you sort of have to take your way of doing things frorn your Black community and bring it into soy. Black people celebration of love and aff irrnation... and if white academia doesn't have it. then you are going to slide it back in for your own sanity.

Chioma: Thot's right. And there is a sanity. tt is big time sanity. Because through it al1 you are going around thinking you're crazy because you're saying 1 don't sec anything, 1 don't sec us, where are we. And sometimes you have to wonder and %y maybe it's just me. maybe 1 am just complaining. But it's not just you. because that's what is happening. Unlas you bring it in. and see for yourself. it's not going to happen.

Ruramisai: Ok. So in the end, if it's not there. you sort of just mopping around.

Chioma: You rnust fight for it. and you must bring it in. And you rnust be prepored to f ight for it. Because. in that process you know you becorne enriched. you know you feel you know, it's like I keep thinking you know. in the clasroom, when we sit down in the classroom as Black students, and when Our white professors are teaching us, 1 am thinking when they look into Our Black eyu what are they thinking. what are they seeing. Right? White feminist profs are writing especially in Canada here. and there is no talk about Black women, and their own contributions here in Canada, what are they doing? What they are doing is they are killing our spirit. They are killing that ancestral spirit in us that we need everyday to keep us going. What they are saying is that you don't count. You are in that chair but you don't count. You're ancestry doesn't count.

Ruramisai: Ok. I understand. 50 in terms of that, then it would seem that through taking oral narrative perspective it would be important for you. for both as a persona1 level and also as a contribution to Canadians as part of your own activism os part of the Black comrnunity. So 1 wos just wondering if moybe you could tell me little bit more about what your experience has been you know, you said that at the beginning you interviewed three women 1 think. 50 if you con sort of just tell me a bit more about what your experience habeen in light of all this stuff you have been talking about. what it feels like ta affirm your own self? What is forthright for you ...what you are looking for? Where you didn't find it. something else came up that you didn't expect that you con sort of bring up. Interms of your expectations, for example. What you were looking for?

Ckiorna: What 1 was searching for? Funny thing was I didn't even know. 1 knew 1 was searching for something, 1 kncw 1wa~ searching for a visibility. but what 1 got in the end was more than that, which was a sense of pride... during the narrative sessions with the womcn. Like whur 1 reflect and 1keep seeing myself sitting there listening in awe of thue women's livu. and their wisdom. and the struigth that they had and still have to fight for what they want. and to f ight to affirm themselves in the communi ty ...Marie Hamilton said, that is Sy lvia Hamilton's mother, that we must fight for what we want [sec Hamilton. 19891 So 1 said, "Well yeah. through his work 1 can do the same thing." 1 con fight for what I want ... To soy well if this is what they are able to do, if Joyce Ross is able to establish a daycare. which celebrated its 25'' anniversary this year, if shc was able to do that at that time because of her love for the community. then 1con do the same. At lea~t1 con try and get going. So you know when 1corne back from the interviews. 1sit here and go wow, thue are tnteresting storiu. And thue are just ...snippets here and there thot you need to remember so that when you are fighting ...when you are trying to affirm yourself ... you can reflect on those stories and say well if they are doing it. we can. And we should do it because that is the whole essence of the community. You know. Fighting to aff irm this loving sense of Blackness that we have. Especially in a university. you would nced to tap into that strength you know and just say "ok 1pray thot our ancestral spirits will guide us in this journey and impart some of that wisdom, give us the strength to just go for it.

Ruramisai: To some degrec in the fulfilrnent of your longing. that you don't juSt long, that you do.

Chioma: You have to do. You have to do because 1 mean... when you do decide to actually do something. you've really got to love yourself and love what it is you are doing. Because thut love is what is going to carry you through the pain, through the struggle, to remind you that you have to do it for yourself, for others, and for the community around you.

Ruramisai: The cornrnunity of Black Canadian women. community in academia. Nova Scotia, in the African sense of community and connection.

Ruramisoi: So maybe just moving on f rom that. maybe you can tell me what some of the joys that you have experienced as Black woman?

Chiorna: It was a Saturday morning and 1 have this song playing. 1 cal1 it my meditation song. It's "Tirne After Time." It's Sung by a Black woman, Casandra Wilson... her rendition of that particulor song. And it was playing and 1 was listening to it and for me the Song has always been sort of a love song. right. 1 was listening to this Song and suddenly f started crying... 1 was listening to the words ..."If you look for me you'll f ind me tirne after tirne" ... and 1 just started crying. Because for me, doing this work, was like tooking for myrlf and looking for myself through other women as well. And it just kept saying "Tirne after Tirne" ...And 1 kept thinking yeah. if you keep searching even though os painful and as daunting os it con be, that eventually you will f ind it. And Ijust started wailing. and when I was wailiy... 1 had this image of ourselves as Black people in different homes you know, happy, talking. Iaughing. eoting, you know sharing stories and carrying on, you know. offirming ourselves..,in all these storieâ that we never hear about and al1 these lives that we never read about that get silurced. That get silenced when you go into class to learn about who we are... If1 search 1 will find it. And when you do that it rneans that when you are going to search to find, that mcans you've got to contest along the way. You have to go by a different set of rulu... especially you are creating oppositional knowledge; knowledge that's in opposition to white dominant knowledge [because] they dqrade you completely and essentially kill your spirit in the process. And 1keep rernembering that. And for me in that moment, that was me coming f inally and seeing this spirit opening up it's arms welcoming me in, and saying it's ok, it's ok. you'll get there. you'll be fine.

Ruramisai: Ok. So they were tuirs of pain. of joy. and releuse.

Chioma: It would have to be... fighting for something you love that much. But you're willing to pay with tears you know. They are tears of joy later on. if you believe that what you are doing is worthwhile and needs to be donc. So after it8sdonc what 1 would like is to have a chance to talk about it. You know sort of give back. Thot's rny way of giving back, because to come in here, 1 have been transformed completely. My identity has been re-shaped as a Black woman. It has been reuffirmed, especially in the graduote school process. 50 1 would like a chance to give back by possibly distributing copies of the work to different Black community organisations, the educationol organisations. Naturally the women whose narratives are in the work will be getting copies of it. 1 have donc sornething. 1have planted a seed. The only way it will be watcred is if you know other students come in and Say we're going to do sornething that we love. sornething that we are passio~teabout. something that def ines us, or redef ines US in a loving way. And thui from there, it will just grow. You know if we don't do that, then no one is going to notice we are not there.

Ruramisoi: Ok. 1 don't know if you have anything else you want to add that 1 might not have been clear about, or something you might have occurred to you now that didn't occur to you in the process?

Chioma: It gives me much pleusure when 1 talk to Black students whether they are on the same level or they are undecgraduates.... Itjust gives me so much joy to sec thern you know working so hard. creating a space of their own... and that they will continue to do it. And so my real hope is that for any Black student that somehow decides it is time. it is time to change al1 of this, that she or he will you know really reolly f ight for that, because it's not an asy thing. There are so rnany psychological, you know, obstacles aloq the way.... They are probubly going to say, why even bother dealing with this and maybe 1 should do the regular stuff. Or maybe 1 should just do what is naturally upected of me. And what that natural expectation is one that theorisu who you are. My hope is that anyone, if any student decides to affirm herself or himself, that she or he will follow through, with so much defiance that is fuellcd with a love for self and community. Because if you don't crcate the knowledge in this setting, if we don't bridge the community and acadernia orena, no one is going to do it. No one is going to do it. And we have to insist.

Ruramisai: What or who, whatever, inspiration or role model do you sec in yourself in moving towards this direction?

Chiorna: 1 have ok. There is bel1 hooks. Black feminist writer in the States. And 1: can't even Say how much this wornan does for me. When 1 think of her own writing, and how she works to affirm herself, and to you know, create a space that is loving for Black people in academia and community. 1 see her face on the poster on my wall and 1 Say ok this is someone that insists we must do this for ourselves. So f look to her for inspiration ...I look at the profusors 1 have on campus ...and 1 have talked to them and the struggle is the same ... You think as a graduate student, you're own cornplaints are different ..and its the same thing. Because they are all f ighting to affirm ourselves in the university. And so when I talk to them, I get reassured and I get encourcrged knowing that I am not alone in this struggle. And then 1 think of fellow graduate students, like you, who are doing work that is transgrusing towards oppositional knowledge and 1 sec them as my role models and 1 realise this is a community of struggle. Whether it's Dalhousie University, whether itas the University of Toronto, you know we are al1 doing the same thing. Trying to implant ourselves and to leave Our map. My family and close friends are cqually rnotivating. My mum's own political activism in her university days at York University also rnarvels me, and she has not stopped.

Ruramisai: Ok, thank you very much for sharing your tife with me.

Chiorna: 1 thank you. Thank you very much.

Chapter Conclusion

As the utles of this narrative chapter and the previous one suggest, the joumey of gctting to know these women and sharing in their Life narratives was indeed an orgasmic one. I use the word "orgasmic" not to be flippant but because it rerninds me of Audre Lorde's used of the word "erouc," which she explains as follows:

When 1 speak of the erotic, then 1 speak of it as an assertion of the Me-force of women; of that creative energy empowerment, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, Our loving, Our work, Our iives. (hudre Lord, qtd. in hooks, 1993, p. 113)

Being in the Company of Shephard, Ross, and King was indeed an empowering cspcriencc as we al1 reclaimed Our language and voice.

The following chapter weaves out some themes €rom al1 four narratives, dong wirh mlmethodological reflections. Chapter 6

Nmative Discussion

;\lchough Blach women ;ire often chmcterized as viccims, theorizing is a form of igency that provided them wi~!oppominities ro ''lam. think, imagine. judge, Ltsren, speak, write and act" (Stimson, 1989) - mhich uansforrns not only the individual (from victirn to activist, for euample) but the comrnunity, and the society as wel. (James, S. hl, 1993, p. 2)

In the last nvo narrative chapters, I presented some of my Lived experiences and those of Linda-Lee King, Joyce Ross, and Maxene Prevost Shephard, which rctlectcd the philosophy of community betterrnent. Our different locations in the home, community, church groups, community organisations, and the university site, rcflcctcd the varied locations €rom which community othermothering (Collins, 1991,

1998) activin emerged to create change.

In this chapter, a themaac analysis of ali four narratives is presented within the thcorctical framework of a Black Afrocenuic feminist consciousness (Collins, 1991,

199S). Luborsb:vts (1994) approach to thematic analysis is used to idenu. some thcrncs, main points, and patterns. Luborskv defines themes as "the manifest

,-wncralized statements by inforrnants [narrators] about beliefs, attitudes, values, or senuments.. .that seek to understand and reflect the informant's [narrator's] own

\.iews and words" (1 994, p. 195). Nain points refer to summaries of the "content of rcplics b~ manv people to a question," while patterns "describe findings from the rcscarcher's observations and analyses of a regularity, structure, or inferences.. .."

(Luborskv, 1994, p. 195). Smcture of halysis

The lengthy and descriptive presentation of the two preceding narrative chapters lends to various possibilities for weaving thematic topics for analysis. 1 have decidcd to present a brief analysis using selected snippets from the women's narratives to highlight three themes. The themes are presented in part one. Under rhc first themc of community beuerrnent, 1 present main points from the narratives as a surnman of our definitions of communiw to illustrate how our identity as Black womcn infuses self-ernpowement and community bettement. 1 also discuss Our kelings about being referred to as "acuvist."

Thc following nvo themes are mothering the hem and mothering the rnind.

Thc former rcpresents the acuvism that takes place in our private spaces wherein we cri ticdlv thcorisc and nego tiate sel f-de finitions towards sel f-empowerment, while the lnttcr addresses thc activism that mkes place in Our public spaces where we use chose sclf-dcfiniuons to initiate change in institutional settings. Specifically, 1 pair snippets of Shephard's narrative and mine to illusuate the theme of mothering the heart while

Ross' and iüngs' iilustrate mothering the mind. This collage of snippets is mainlv desi&mcd co present a communal collage and continuity of how we theorise toward change from our varied locations and erperiences as Black women.? Ail three thernes rctlcct fighting words of Blackness as fostered through communiw meanings.

In part rwo, 1 connect the community othermothering activities of the u-omcn to some core themes of a Black Afrocentric feminist consciousness and in pan three 1 present some methodological reflections on the narrative research process.

Part One

Black women use the persond narrative to document their differences in self- perception as well as their concerns for themselves as part of a distinct women's and racial community . .. . (McKay, 1989, p. 142)

Throughout di four narratives an overd dieme of community berterment and

racial uplift resonated in the choices that Shephard, King, Ross and I made in diffcrcnt arcns of Our lives. The choices, although individual ones, were rooted in a

ricsirc to conncct with the community for a collective empowerment of Black people.

This thcmc of comrnunity bettement is espccialiy prevalent in oral narratives of

Ulack women (I-Ienrv, 1998, 1992; Naples, 1998; Etter-Lewis, 1996b, 1996a, 1991;

Grim, 1996; Nelson, 1996; Ntutela, 1995; Rollins, 1995; Casey, 1993; Scott, 1991).

The main points of the women's responses to their definiaons of communin-

rcvcal an undcrstanding of their philosophy of communiry bettement and of how

thcir idenun as Black women play a common role in shaping that philosophy.

- 1 am srateful to Ruramisai Charumbira, who presented this idea for this chapter through her insights and gentk nudges. i. Defining Community

The foundation for the women's activism resided in their sense of community.

Specificallr, the notion of community as a safe discourse was a deterrnining factor for their activism in terms of creating safe spaces of resistance withm the homes, in the schools, and in the workplace for individuals, fades, and children. De fining communiq as "The community to me is the place that you fecl celaved and happy, wu tee1 a part of' (Ross) and "a betterment of my people.. .making a place for rny people to stay strong" &.mg), both women rooc their community meanings in this sale discoursc. Both factors of betterment and safety lead to self-empowerment for thc collcctirc devclopment and uplift of Black people. In essence, community rcprcscnts relntionships and acts as a connector. As 1 stated, "It has corne to mean thc connections iriside that I have to different people, different Black people, di flcrcnr Black families, di fferent Black historical figures."

Equallr sipificanr is chat a sense of pnde in Our identity as Black women shapcd out dedication to racial uplift. Shephard stated proudly, "As a woman, 1 felt a maior commitment. I am proud of who I am and I do know that we have a great deal to ive ro the community" and King added defiandy, "They wili have to take me

3s n Black woman, no Uncle Tom rlunty Linda-Lee." This standpoint supports the notion of cornmunint otherrnothers as those women who "work on behalf of the

Black communin- by espressing ethics of caring and personal accounrability which

çmbracc conceptions of transformauve power and mutuality" (Collins, 1991, p. 132).

(If grearer importance is the understanding that, Such power is transfomative in that Black women's relationshp with children and other vulnerable comrnunity members is not intended to dominate or conuol. Rather, its purpose is to bring people dong, to - in the words of late- nineteench century Black feminists - "uplift the race" so that vulnerable mernbers of the community will be able to attain the self-reliance and indcpendence essential for resistance. (Collins, 1991, p. 132)

As Shcphnrd summarises, "And this is why in a comrnunity such as ours, we as women have to be mothers to other mother's children. It does indeed take a village."

ii. Feelings about the title "Activist"

Ln chapter four, which introduced the narratives, 1 noted that 1 was particularlv intcresced in whether Shephard, Ross, and King viewed their cornrnuni~ othcrmothering work as one of activism. 1 wanted to know if they would consider thcmsclvcs activists.

Ln al1 of our responses to the question, 'Would you consider ourself an acuvist?" wc did not immediatelv state that we do consider ourselves activists.

ShmhardA stated that she viewed herself as an agent of change. Ross esplained that shc \vas not one to be preoccupied with desas people refer to her in different ways.

King wns reluctnnt from the beginning of her narrative session to label herself an nctivist, although 1 finally managed to get her to understand why 1 considered her work as that of activism. As for me, though 1 indicated that engaging in research that cclcbrates Black women's Lives is an act of activism in my narrative, 1 did not readilv takc on the title of activist when King said chat she would consider me as such.

Considering that my aim in posing the said question was to subverc the

tradi tional perception of the tem "activist" - by espanding its de finition beyond sueet protests to encompass those activities that occur in private spaces to bring about change - perhaps our reluctance to take on the title of activist cmbe attributed to its traditional connotation as one who is militant and udawfd.

Nevenheless, one thing is certain and that is that there appears to be no prcoccupauon with the terminology these women assign themselves or that others mar. assign to them; in which case they simply get on with the task at hand and work to bring about change in their persona1 life and in their communities. While 1 very much regard Shephard, King, and Ross, as activists, and view my role in this thesis work as that of activism, 1 might surmise that King, Like Shephard, would be more comfortablc with the classification, "agent of change," while for Ross it does not mattcr. In my casc, I now feel comfonable with embracing either classification.

Thc following nvo themes address two nreas of mothering that are essencial for a criticai transformation of self and community.

II. Motliering the Hem: Personai Tra~sfonnationsthrough Our Ph

\KTithinthe contest of narrative research, Our choice of words signi* what

Errcr-1-cwis (1993) refers to as self-monitoring thouçhts, in which there is a recurring pattcrn of thinking of our past and present life choices, of reconciling Our past iife choiccs while negotiating present ones. In Shephard's narrative and in mine, our spccch pattern reflected this self-monitoring process, in which we were constantly rctlccting on the emotions that emerged from memories of certain Life choices and cspcricnces. Specificaily, through critical self-interrogation, revelations of emotions became road maps to our memories of how we came to some consciousness of our idenun as Black women and its implication for self-actualisation and self-valuation.

Below, 1 have selected excerpts from Shephard's narrative and mine that hiçhlight areas where we name Our pain in coming to this consciousness. 1 do so to srate the potential for criucal reflection and transformation when WC break silence

and couragcouslv name and honour Our Lpain in our efforts to affirm Our identitv as

Black women. Funhermore, this naming process captures the process of theorising hmpain ro a location of pleasure where we become radical subjects and thinkers

(hooks, 1992).

i. Setting the tone

i\t the beginning of Shephard's narrative, she told me that she always referred to Nova Scotia, as "Litde Rock" because of the racism she experienced in her childhnod and right through her adulthood. She used this descriptor, "Little Rock," on more than one occasion to indicate her belief that at the age of 69, and in the Far

2000, racism still esisted in Nova Scoua and Canada as a whoie. In a sense this set thc tonc for Shephard's narrative content for it hinted to the Çact that she had vivid mcrnories of painful experiences. 1 had hoped that she would graciously share some of thesc espcriences with me, and she did.

Ar the end of Shephard's narrative, 1 asked her how she felt about participnting in the narrative process. She told me that she wodd have preferred to map out her responses in Little cubicles as she felt she did not strucrure her responses accordinglv. Certainly, the conversational style of the narrative research lent to the scemingly unsuuctured nature of Shephard's responses. hl1the same, 1 concluded that hcr desire to have her responses sauctured was a reaction to the fact that, in her u:ords, "It seemed so much difficult [the narrative process]; it puts me in touch with

somc of the pain 1 had known as a Black woman." The difficulty stemmed from the

fact that the memories that framed most of Shephard's narrative were of her hun and

pain in making sense of the racisrn she experienced in Nova Scotia and Montreal, and

concomi tantly, negotiating forms of resis tance. She declared,

This is whv 1 emphasise and demonstrate some of the things that have occurred in Our experience as Blacks in Canada because I want you to have somc understanding of what it is in a society, or in this society that has in some respects, delayed us in achieving some of the things that you rnight have been able to achieve in pur own communiry, because they bosed us into little boscs.

Hrncc, the smggle of excavaang memories, of being boxed in, characterised

thc tonc in Shephard's narrative. This not to Say, however, that there were no

rccollcctions of pleasant and happy memories, rather Shephard wanted to give voice

to hcr cspçriences and to share with me, a new comer to Nova Scotia, a howledge

of Black people's history in Canada through her personal esperience.

In mr narrative, the esperiences that shaped my memories were those of my

move from Toronto to pursue my graduate studies at Dalhousie University in Nova

Scoua. Specifically, my memories centred on rny location in white academia and the

fight to affirm myself in my thesis. hrticulaung this fighting process, I stated, "So

then rou have to say, 'Then where do you begin? How do you now start to create ou know this epistemology that is going to heal puand affm who you are in this

This question was significant because in corning to Nova Scoua for a sense of communin., 1 witnessed a constnicted invisibility of Blackness in spite of the active prcscnce of Black people and their agency in affirming their varied subjectivi ties, evidcnt from the man. community events 1 attended. It was in my longing to feel

conncctcd to the community of Black people so that my acadernic work wouid be

cclcbraton. of Black women, to feel vaiued and alfirrned in the white dominant

acadcmic arcna that I smggled and erperienced pain. This is why the narrative

rcscarch helpcd to affirm me. As 1 shared in my narrative,

\Y'hnt 1 found was that through the interviews 1 was doingwvith them [the u-omcnl 1 realised that they were giving me something that I needed throughout, which was a sense olconnection to the community, to the history herc. It's like this was.. .what 1 was longing for, craving for ail the while, wanting to be nunured.. .wanting to Iearn about.. .these women's lives.

In ordcr for one's longing for communin. and connecuon to take place, a

proccss of rcconciliation is necessq for a sense of renewal.

ii. Reconciling Our Pain Towards Consciousness

"\Y'e cannot value ourselves rightiy without first brealung through the wails of dcnial which hide the depth of black self-hatred, inner anguish, and unreconciled pain." (hooks, 1992, p. 20)

In Shcphard's narrative and mine, the words we used to express Our emotions

ucre telling of Our constant anempt to negoaate and reconcile some of Our painful

memories. K'e both shared Our interpretations of our lives as Black women. Shephard, in her reflections as a mother and activist, expresscd her concern about

Black children growing up with the need to feel loved and valued. This concern was infused br her eltperience of having to learn of the brutality of racism as a child, as ndl as bv her need to protect her children from similar erperiences. In my

rcflcctions as a student, 1 expressed the process of understanding the machinations of

imitative intellectuality and my effort to transgress toward a decolonised intellect.

In Our different roles, Our narratives addressed the process of reconciling our

pain from our understanding of the ins timtionalised oppressive mechanisms in

societv that clevalue Our identity ns Black women. We especially shared in a common

intcrcst, the arca of education, in that Our need for ceconciliation emerged from

fcclings of being cheated in our educationai eexpcricnces. Below are a string of choice

phrases from Shephard's narrative and mine that illusuate this understanding, of

makinp connections and being moved from pain to consciousness to action:

Shephard: Don't forget .. . As 1 look bac k as a mature woman. . .i t \vas a very ven rery gndual thing.. .when you findy analyse these things.. .lt's not accidental.. .It was in the best interest that they instilled within us an insecurity or an inferion? in order to keep us in chains, and its painfui because when thesc things happen it hum so vey, very much. So everything oudid you had to be conscious of it.

Chioma: I stnrtcd cning. And you hou?it's so pain fui. It's a painful thing to do. But you're wiiiing to pay with tears you know. \men that happened 1 started thinking.. .I was searching.. .In that regard 1 had to transgress. And we must insist. So 1 had to attend to that.. .I had to reconcile.. .at this iunction.. .That shifted a lot.

Shifting is painful but it is the core of consciousness raising and constant

theorising wherein we cm re-think our world and imagine Liberatory ways of being. Shephard's statement that, 'Valking alone is a very very stresshl painfd expenence.

And it's when we corne together as sisters that we provide a support service, and we must do that" speaks to the strengh of articulaang this pain and the potential of healinç when we insist on honounng and shaiing Our pain in safe spaces to encourage each orher. When she further states "1 formulated the idea a long urne ago," she is indicating her process of theorising from her painful experiences and understanding the institutionalised racism in society, and concludes that 'Wow we have to develop as Black people a greater consciousness."

Thc act of mothering each others hean in the intimacv ot shanng our pain, and our efforts to reconcile that pain so that we are moved toward change and acuïisrn is rcpresentative of a Black Afrocentric feminist consciousness. In that

sharing,L - WC remain connected and work to educate, theorise, redefine ourselves toward radical Black fernale subiectivities (hooks, 1992). In this process of dcvcloping a consciousness of the university site as a reflection of the ovcrall mcchanisms of oppression, I concluded from mu pain that,

K'hen pou do decide CO actuailv do something, ou've really got to love ~oursclfand love what it is you are doing. Because that love is what is going to carn. vou. through the pain, through the smggle, to remind you that ou have to do it for vourself, for others, and for the community around FOU.

Lorinç one's self must uanscend to the public spaces ofour lives if we are to continue in the struggle of assemng a Black Afrocentric feminist consciousness.

Tahng escerpts from Ross' and King's narrative, the nest section shows how mothering occurs when the philosophy of community is practised in those public spaccs. Ill. Muthering the Mkd

Comrnenting on the importance of activist work in the public spaces of institutional settings, Coliins (1991) States that, "Black women cannot be content with mercl\ creating culture and providing for families and communities because the u-clfarc of those families and communiaes is profoundly affected by.. .political, cconomy, and social institutions" (p. 144). Tradiaonally, Black women's activism has focuscd on cducation because education has been regarded as a necessq tool for racial uplift and community development (Henry, 1998; Moreau, 1997, 1996; Foster,

1997; E'cc, 1997; Hamilton, 1993, 1982; Bristow, 1993; Gilkes, 1EU; Brand, 1991;

Cannon, 1988) which is why "it is no accident that many well-known Black women activists werc cithcr teachers or somehow involved in smggling for educational opportunities. . .." (Collins, 1991, p. 149). The names and faces of retired Black Nova

Scotia tcachcrs in A Historical Caiendar. 1991. A Portrait of Retired Black Teachers:

A 1-ciracy of Nova Scotia's Black History, published bv the Black Cultural Centre for

Sova Scotia (1 99 l), is testament to this activist tradition.

Ross' and King's narratives represent this activist tradition in educaaon and thus thcir communin- othermothering activities can be described as whac Collins'

(199 1) rcfers to as "mothering the mind." Stemming from their role as educators, at thc East Preston Dar Care Cenue and the Black Student Advising Centre, this type of mothcrins is critical in instilling a sense of agency and empowerment arnong Black children and students in light of the pervasive culture of domination and hierarchy of knowlrdge wvithin Our learning instirutions. As discussed in chapter three, the culture of domination fosters an imitative Liteliectuality discourse in our school, which ncgatcs our identity. Accordingly, King's and Ross' work is exemplary of the role that Black women play in creaung foms of resistance by providing the necessary affirmative tools to fight this imitative intellectuality discourse.

Recall from Ross' narrative the example of schools using standardised testing to mcasure the intelligence levels of children in her cornmunigr. Critiquing the use of white children's lived experiences as a basis foc universal knowledge, she fought to change such testing. King could easily offer similar examples, by stating "That's one of the thinçs that Iend up helping students fight .. ..To be able to either request the

Black cspcricncc content [in curriculum] or for them to be able to write from a Black

pcrspcctivc.. ..They're denied that, " when she critiques the practice of "white write" rcscarch in our schools.

i. Community Infùsed Education

What is similar in both Ross' and King's approach to educaaon is the

important rolc that communiy meanings play in fostering self-ernpowermcnt and

pridc. Consider, for example, Ross' statement, "The children in the communin- feel

likc sal-, The only way to Set anything good is, '1 got to leave my comrnunitv in order

ro set it."' Thcse words indicated her concern about children not valuing their

community and heritage, but more important, they capture the spirit of her

cornmuni- othermothering activiaes that was infused by a desire to create a

community of which its residents could be proud. When we recall Ross' cornmunity iniuaaves, such as the girl guides, boy scouts, and the East Preston Day Care Centre we can sce that she understood the importance of children having a sense of connection arnong each other and within their cornmunity. Being moved to action from this basis, Ross decided to create those sites of connection and community.

F-Ier rccurring phrase, "And so we changed that," "And so we got that staned" svmbolise her steps towards community activism. In the same vein, when King states, "I make sure that the experiences of students are not burdened," she is cspressing the importance of ensuring that when Black students enter the university sctting, thcv rnaintain a sense of community and racial pnde in their schooling cspcr~cncc.

Onc cmconclude that the East Preston Day Care Centre and the Black

Studcnt ;\dvising Centre are sires of communitv based education, and make the conncction char the Centres are NIO sides of the same coin. Where Ross begins at the childhood cducauon level to insu1 confidence in the children at a oung age, with a hundation in cornmuni. pride, King continues with the torch by building a foundation in the universin. for the adults.

King's "outsider within" status (Collins, 1991) in the university, which she defincs as "fighung against the people that are paying your paycheque," powerfully equips her to educate students in ways that will enable them to affirm their racial pridc in an cnvironment she described as "chiiiv due to race." This is why when King snys "Xo comrnuni~,No smdents," and Ross says "But we are here for the sake of the children and making a difference," the)- both symbolise their philosophy of a community infused education as a tool of resistance. Recalling Ross' poignant words about children feeling that, "The only way to get anything good is, 1 [that is the children] got to lave mv community in order to get it,"' one cm see that the pcrcepuon of leaving the cornmunity to get anythmg good is iikened to leaving one's self to get an imitative intellectuality (based) knowledge. For King, she does not want studcnts to lcave the university and so works to create an atmosphere of cornmunity so chat the students remain in school and complete their education. Her stacement,

"Thev have to take me as a Black woman, and as someone who believes in the cstcndcd hmily and the importance of communiry. So if they want an.. .Uncle Tom,

.hm Linda-Lee, thev're not going to get ir" expresses her standpoinr of an afioccntric approach to education wherein ilfrican and Black studcnts feel affirrned through conncctions.

Part Two

M&ng Connections ~dhha BIack A&ocenuic Femhist Consu'ousness

Grouing up in Canada, a white dominant society, King, Shephard, and Ross

lcnrnt at an cari\. age how white suprernacv is creaced through a hierarchy of race. As

Black uomen. thev espenenced the institutionalised oppressive tools that were used

to debasc and destrov their Black identitv. Their visibility in certain areas of socien.

was tantamount to their invisibilinr in others, and this served to denigrate them.

Whcre there were "No Coloureds Mowed" and '%Io Coloured's need apply" signs that were historicallv affixed to various institutions, schools, workplaces, organisations, churches, hotels, restaurants, public facilities, and so on, it signified a deliberate invisibilin: of Black people. Therefore, the negauve visibility and

invisibiliw of Black people perpetuated the white racist ideology that Blackness was

contaminant to the purity of whiteness.

;\ccordingly, there were many occasions in the narratives of Shephard, Ross,

and King, and mvself wherein we felt invisible by being visibly dehumanised because

of our Black identities. Through acts of transgression, we necessarily became active

agcnts in Our homes, workplace, and cornrnunities in defiance to the daily systemic

invisibilitv of our subjectivities. As hudre Lorde States of this visibility-invisibilin.

discoursc the "visibilit\: which rnakes us most vulnerable is that which is also the

sourcc of our geatest suength" (qtd. In Collins, 1991, p. 94). From this strength, we

bccamc mobilised by esercising self-agencv towards the empowemient of ourselves

and of our comrnunity of Black people.

i\s 1 soiourned towards my own self-agency and longing for community and

Blackness in the narrauve research process, nvo questions remained prominent. One,

w-hat are the dcfining moments, those moments of rupture that propel one towards

acti~istbeha~iour, either at the personal or public level. Secondly, what are some of

the preliminan negotiations involved in arriving at that defining moment. During my

urne with Shephard, King, and Ross, their life choices led me to critically reflect on

thcsc questions as the^ served to enlighten me on the pleasures and rewards of

redcfininç our subjectivities through gradua1 steps of activism. Below 1 show 1 came to see that their Me choices were reflective of a Black Afrocentric feminist consciousness, as advanced by Collins (1991,1998).

1. Ruptures: Towards Actiw'sm

At the core of a Black Afrocentric feminist consciousness, is the notion that

Black women are agents of knowledge, active subjects constantly negotiating their cvcn.dav. . living towards self-empowerment and cornmunity bettement (Collins, 1991,

1998). Furthcrmore, within a Black Afrocennic feminist consciousness,

Empowerment involves rejecting the dimensions of knowledge, whether personal, cultural, or institutional, that perpetuate objectification and dchumanization. African-American [Black, Colourfùi] women and other individuals in subordinated groups become empowered when we understand and use those dimensions of our individual, group, and disciplinary ways of knowing that foster our humanity as fuly human subjects. This is the case whcn Black women value Our self-definiaons, participate in a Black women's activist tradition, invoke an Afrocentric feminist epistemology as central to our worldview, and view the sMs gained in schools as part of a focused education for Black community development. (Collins, 1991, p. 230)

In al1 four women's narratives, various life choices and decisions were rooted in thc nccd for an empowering self-definition that rendered their subiectivities visible.

Ruptures in parucular life accounts teach and reveal how this standpoint rnoved the women tonard activism. For example, King at a oung age realised that the greetings cards shc saw around her did not represent her, her farnily, and her community. The cards did not represent the loving Blackness she was surrounded by in her community. This was a defining moment for King, because at a oung age she saw the nced to render herself visible and from that location she asserted her agency and was moved to creating her own representation by cailing the cards in different shades of brown, which reflected her Black identity.

From Shcphard's adulthood, when told that she was not welcorne in the predominantlr white residential area, her insistence on remaining rooted in home was a defiant act against the racism that would restrict her movements. Hence her rcsponse with fighting words, that she would gladly mange to have a Black truck drivcr to move those who did not want her Living in the same residentiai area.

Shcphard's witw remarks and talk back fiery amtude to those who would value nothing in hcr are signs of resilience. The legacy of the East Preston Day Care

Ccntrc is cquallv rooted in the fighting words of Ross, "1 would not let him tell me nhat 1 couldn't do" in refusing to be sropped from actualising her dreams to cmpowcr her community. In rnv example, upon redising that 1 was not able to name with case at lcast tcn Black Canadian women authors, was a defining moment that led mc to a Lgrcaterawareness of the culture of domination embedded in out learning institutions.

I offcr the above examples because they sigmfy the fact that Black women havc oftcn struggled to define themselves in a white dominant society that s!-stcmically negares their esperience and humani., where whiteness breeds a dcvaluation of Blackness (Hamilton, 1982; Brand, 1991; Phiiip, 1989, 1992; hooks,

1993). This is why, "When Black women define ourselves, we clearly reject the assumption that those in positions granting them the authority to interpret our realit): are entitied to do so" (Collins, 1991, p. 106-107). In the self-definition process we also relv on the support of one another to reconcile our pain and transgress through a sensc of enutlement. Seeking suppon through a comectedness with each other as we iournev in this act of transgression is the basis of a Black Afrocenuic ferninist consciousness.

Part Three

MerhodoIog3cal Mecrions

Thcrc is always the overarching concern of accountability as one approaches narrative rcscarch anaiysis. This concern lies in approaching the life accounts with an honcsn that honours the joys and struggles of the nanators, as weil as the candour

2nd pain with which they speak. It was easy for me to get caughc up in this concern and losc sight of the plensures I expetienced of getting to know Shephard, Ross, and

Iung and so it became important that 1 keep reminding myself of the feelings I had whcn 1 spokc with them, to women. Recalling what drew me to their voices in the

first place, which was my longing for community and affirmation made the task of prcscnting the narratives in a respectfui wav a smoother one.

Equallv,. b~. placing myself among these women, as a participant in the

narrative process, I was transformed through their warmth with which thev embraced

me; a sense of warmth that 1 often reflecred on at the end of the narrative research,

and continue to do so. In their fighting words of Blachess, I learnt of how thev

thttvrisc their lived identities against the debased and externdv consmcted images 252 that permeate white fantasies of Blackness. From their defined standpoint as Black women and agents of knowledge, they have generated oppositionai knowledge €rom which they nse in celebratory ways. I have remembered their theones of resistance and have applied them to my own Life while 1 made sense of how one cornes to insist on a loving de fiance from which we embrace Blackness in Our acavist initiatives.

Rcalising that I was a newcomer to Halifau, King, Shephard, and Ross mothcred me as the. welcomed me into their home and their [ives. There were urnes lvhen Our narrative sessions continued past midnight and yet the wornen remained accommodating. As I arranged schedules for the narrative sessions, my schedule was torcmost considered to make sure that whatever worked for them would work for mc. Thcir kindness extended to being fed at every session as well as being rrnnsportcd ro and [rom their homes, by themselves or by a family rnember. Mahng a point to insert this aspect of the work is done to indicate the tenderness I felt from thcsc umrnen, which affirmed mlr decision to engage in narrative research.

I cspccially recall the dav 1 spent with Ross, wherein unbeknownst to me, the batteries of mv tape recorder died out during the narrative session. Hdf way through my fint narrative session with Ross, upon flipping the tape to the other side, 1 discovcred rhnt the batteries in the tape recorder died out. I \vas terribly embarrassed as 1 sharcd with her what had iust happened. Graciously, she told me not to worry and that wc could reschedule for another day. 1was relieved and grateful for her undcrstnnding. In a sense, Ross' encouraging words, "You're a fighter but remember

~ou'ïegot to be patient, you've got to be humble. You are going to have your problems, you're gonna have your ups and downs but you do the best you cm," was a backdrop to this episode as it cautioned me against some of the "ups and downs" that 1 would e'rperience in this work, and yet need to persevere aU the way.

From a shared identity with Shephard, King, and Ross, 1 was enraptured through a celebrauon of their lives. Bv rendering them as agents of knowledge, 1 was cmpowered in my work, which by no means was isolated from my personal Life. Our communal union is indeed reflective of a Black r\frocentric feminist consciousness, which infuses a "process of self-conscious stmggle that empowers women and men to acrualize a humanist vision of community" (Collins, 1991, p. 39).

Chapter Concfusion

The four narratives illusvate chat Black women's voices are heterogcneous and complcs, predicated on diverse experiences and backgrounds. The observations and rcflcctions of cven-dav-. Living chat emerged within Our immediate community ro the ghbal community, continue to inform that as Black people we must continue to srrive and "do for our communin.." From the fighting words of Blnckness in the narratives, 1 Iearnt that the journey towards self-empowerment and the moments of rupturc within, is one that is in constant motion and interrogation of the oppressive strucrures in out eveq-day Living. Our ability to criacally interrogate Our locations in this process is a step toward self-definition and uansformative wavs of being, and so

having a safe space for Black women to take this step is essential (Collins, 1998, 1991; Elambrick, 1997; Vaz, 1997; Ener-Lewis, 1993; hooks, 1992). As mentioned in chapter nvo, narrative research provides this space.

Sigificantly, the shared experiences of aii four women educate us so that we

"understand the process of transformation, the movement of their passion from rage to carc and recognition. It is this empowering process that enables us to meet face to hcc, to grert one another with solidarity, sisterhood, and love" (hooks, 1992, p. 42).

In thc legtcv of struggle and triumph, in the spint of community, in those moments of pain and plcasure, four of us were rnoved toward action and change.

Thercfore, in honour of the women who were the community that lovingly and intcnselv hcld this work together, by advocating the potential transformative csscncc of doing narrative research with Black women, it is appropriate to end this chapter uith the inspiring words of Rev. D. D. Skier. He was an activist in the Black

cornmunitics of Nova Scotia who passed away last Far. In a sense, his message,

which speaks of the urgency of engaging in oral narrative research, is especiallÿ

poiqantCI in light of his recent death:

The vouth of todav are our greatest asset. We look to them to unfold the truths in order to infotm those of future days. So too, the elders today are Our greatest source of the past.. .. As the aged ones in our midst dwindle so we lose that contact uith Our past. Our local history is not recorded, so we depend upon the knowledge and wisdom of these people who Lived during the ).cars of the past and to rely upon their memory on what was handed down to thcm.. .. Our social iife, the suuggles they faced, the religious life, the cconomic deprivaaons, the determination to survive, the genius and invenaveness of taiented individuals cm make for interesting reading.. .. May 1 also encourage the communities to learn of their past from the lips of the aged oncs amongst FOU. Put their erpaiences on tapes, record hem, cotlect hem and keep them safe. (Black Cultural Centre for Nova Scotia, 1987, p. 11-1 2) The following chapter concludes this thesis, in which 1 present a summary of the running thread in this work dong with the recommendaaons that Shephard,

Ross, Iung and 1 offer for this work. Chapter 7

A Sense of Release, A Feehg of Renewal: "Retlectiomhm a Black-eyeà Squint '"

We write because language is the way we keep a hold of life. With words we experience out deepest understandings of what it mcans to be intimate. We communicate co connect, to know communi~. (hooks, 1999, p. 13)

"Hcre." she said, "in this place, we Besh; flesh chat wecps, laughs; Elesh that danccs on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hmd. Yonder they do not love your flcsh. They despise it. They don? love your eyes; they'd jusr as soon pick em out. No morc do they love the skin on your back. Yonder thcy flay it. And O, my people, they do not love your hands. Those they only use, Ue, bind, chop off and lave empcy. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. 'Souch othcrs with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause the! don't love that either. tau got to love it,joc~!" ((Baby Suggs, qrd. from hiorrison, 1987, p. 88; original irdics)

Concluding, I begin in part one of this chapter by presenting two bief narratives bclow. The first one reflects the uadition of community acavism in Nova

Scr~tia,as rcportcd in the title work of Charles Saunders, Black and Biuenose.

Saundcrs is n Black male journalist for the Halifax newspaper, The Dazb Xe1v.s. 1 feii in low with this narrative as it svrnbolised for me the power of fighting words and the tradition of actirism in the Black communin.. The second narrative is a personal one.

It captures the pleasure I have experienced in this journey, of being familiar with namcs and places that connect to one's ances-. My reflections, which surnmarise the running thread in this thesis, are presented in part nvo, dong Mth

rccornmendations and the conclusion.

' 1 borrow this phrase from the novel title of Ghanaian femde writer, .4ma ;\ta .iidoo. (1977). Sister [ullior Or Refl~ctionsFrom a Black-eved Sauint.. London: Longman Part One

1. "Black and Bluenose"

In his work Black and Bluenose, Charles Saunders (1999) presents a seminal work in the visible rendering of activism and loving defiance of various Black cornmunicies in Nova Scotia. If one ever wondered about the visibility of Black people in Nova Scotia, this notion is immediatelv erased in the noteworthy coiiecaon of articles covering a range of everyday ezrperiences and sentiments, dongside picturcs of different personaitues, which represent community protests against the prcvailinç racism in the province.

Within the past and contemporary narratives of community acuvism, Saunders mcshcs histon with the cunent events he reports on, in the chronological mapping of issues battled by Black Nova Scotians. With thematic threads woven in each chnptcr, thc narratives in Saunders' (1999) work are selected Çrom his newspaper column and span over a ten-vear period.

Thcrc is an immense richness to the stones woven by the perseverance of

Uhck people and is tberefore not onlv a collection of journalistic articles, but a map of gesturcs and words of defiance. Newspaprr articles range from issues on land appropriation to resistance against department stores, and what links these articles is thcir restimony of the step by step in-roads that emerge in the spint of community activism. This allows the reader to feel situated in those historical moments and places and for those of us who have memories of hating history classes because we Mt disconnected and assaulted by the Eurocenmsm woven into historical accounts, this work returns the pleasure of learning about history and of how communities mobilise roward change. A recurring theme is that by Living in a white dominant socien-, thc decision to fight for one's entitlement is a process that must insist on a dctcrmination to follow through to the end in the rnidst of great opposition.

One particular column evoked for me the spirit of fighting words of

Blackncss, which was Saunders' (1999) column "Cbuo~ng_yurtr'toys' cur$tIY' dated

Octobcr 15, 1990. It informs of the Black community's response to the advcrriscmcnt for Black dolls in the flyer of the Zellers Department store, located in rhc Dartmouth Shopping Cenue, Nova Scotia. The description of the dolls in the store's tlyer rend: "lovely hand-made porcelain dolls.. .beautifully crafted," but nccording to Saunders,

In realin., the dolls are crude caricatures of blacks, with big bug eves and wntermelon-eating grins. Thcy are dressed in clothes that look like a cross benvccn a pair of pyjamas and a clown outfit. The- represent a stereotype that should have been passed into histonr with Amos 'n' Andv. (1999, p. 107)

A futrhcr disturbing characteristic of the dolls was their narnes, Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moc, which bnngs to memo the popular children's rh me that reads: Eenv, mccnr, minel-, moe, Catch a nigger by the toe, If he hollers let him go, Eeny, meeny, mine,., moe. Saunders reminds us that though the original rhyme had the word

"nigqcr" in it, it was occasionally substituted with the word "tiger."

From Dartmouth and Toronto, protest and cornplaints were made to the manasement of Zellers regarding these racist and visudy assaulting imageries in the form of dolls, but they were dismissed in the management's refusal to cake the doiis off the shelves and to offer an apology (Saunders, 1999). According to Saunders

(1 999), the management stated did not see any problem with the doils and in fact pcrccived the dolls to be cute. The store was picketed and Professor Percy Paris of

Dalhousie University initiated a complaint with the Nova SCO& Human Rights

Commission.

In contemplating the reasons for Zellers inaction in correcting the situation,

Snunders (1799) poses the questions, 'matrhymes did the people who sel1 those dolls sing dunng their childhood? Did they drem of catching ugers by the toe?" (p.

108). What 1 found incredibly memorabie in this story, which is whv 1 chose to insert it, \vas the spirit of fighang words expressed by a woman who shops at Zeiiers.

Saunders reported this woman as saying, '$1owe Zeiiers some money. But you know what? They can collect it fiom Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moe!" (1999, p.

108, cmphasis mine).

It took three months for this issue to be resolved, to some degree at least. In

his J anuary 2 1, 1791 article TVach, Zelh botb ~zinners," Saunders (1 999) provided a tollou-up to the incident. Zellers decided to participate in the February Af'can

F-[critag Month bv offering sponsorship in the form of prizes for various contests hcld during this celebration. Zellers offered whac Saunders described as a "terse one- line statement" which was not an apology and removed the dolls from the shelves. ikcordingly, "it aggravated the situation because the store sali refused to acknowledge the insulting nature of the dolls and their name (taken from a racist children's rhyme), or to take steps to prevent simiiar incidents from occumng in the future" (Saunders, 1999, p. 109). Mer further protest, Zeiiers made a cornmiunent to cmployment equity and to having positive images of Black dolis.

ils Saunders (1 999) sumrnarised this outcome:

The positive outcome of this incident is not jusr a victory for Perw Pans, though he deserves a great deal of credit for his perseverance. And it's not iust a victory for the black and other rninority communities of Canada. It's also a victory for Zellers. (p. 1 10)

Thc particular fondness 1 have for this narrative is the message that a fighting spirit rcsided in this province. In spite of the superficial and desuucrive notion pcrpctuated of Black comrnunities with no history and agency, this account was a constant rcminder that if 1 searched 1will find the legacy of Bhck peoples' activism.

Thc other accounts in Saunders' (1999) collection were inspirational in mv work and 1 urgc anvone to read this work for it is indeed a celebration of communiry and

Ulackncss in Nova Scotia.

II. Star Smck ih Hahfax

When one reads about someone and feels an affirming connection to that prrson's lifc, upon seeing that person one ~picallybecomes quite excited. This was ml. cspencncc whcn 1 first met Sflvia Hamilton, a Black woman from Nova Scotia.

Hamilton is a historian, film producer, and writer. Recall frorn chapter four in Joyce

Ross' nnrrative, mv discussion of the documentary film 'Wo More Secrets," which addrcsses issues of violence against women in the Black community. Hamilton produccd this documentary. One rnight have also observed that her work is rcferenced and discussed throughout my thesis. My excitement upon meeting Hamilton stemmed from having watched her earlier documentas; Black Motbet, Black

Dar,Ql,ter (see Hamilton & Prieto, 1989), while 1was in Toronto.

Profiled in this celebratory documentas. of Black Nova Scotian women's Lives, is a woman by the name of Daurene Lewis. From Royal Annapolis, Lewis is a dcsccndant of Rose Fortune, whose brief autobiographical narrative was presented in chnptcr three. In the same pioneering spirit of her predecessor, Rose Forrune,

Ffrcnch (1994) infotms that Lewis was the first woman, not just Black woman, but first woman to be elected Mayor in 1984 by winning eighty percent of the vote in the prcdominant white town of Annapolis Royal. She was also the first Black woman to run for provincial office, and although she losr the bid for die seat, her determinaaon and cfhrrs are notable. Lewis had originaily considered becoming a doctor but the racist cducation svstern in Nova Scoaa prevented her from heading in that direction; shc latcr trained as a nurse (Braithwaite & Benn-Ireland, 1993).

i prescnt this backdrop to make a connection to one of the fond memories 1 have of mv brief stay in Halifax. This memorv was of mv attendance at a community cvcnt that \vas held to celebrate and launch the annual publication of the Black

Uusincss Initiative's Directory. Linda-Lee King (whose narrative is one of the four in tbis work) had invited me to join her at the event so that 1 would become familiar with various cornmuniw memben. 1accepted her invitation. At the event, I noticed a woman u-ho scemed familiar but I was unabIe to determine her name. A few minutes later, I turned to King and asked her if the woman across the room \vas

Daurene Lewis. She said it was. Imrnediately, 1 became very excited as flash backs of Lewis' face and mention of her name, from books 1 had read, and from Hamilton's documenq, Bi& Motbq

Block Dazgbter (see reference list), flooded my mind. It was uuly a moment that one would liken to being in the company of an entenainment celebritv. 1 felt honoured to be in her company. King was quite uckled by my child-like enthusiasm and so suggested 1 go over and introduce myself to Lewis. 1 told her 1 could not as 1 did not know what to Say. King then walked me over to Lewis and inuoduced me as a gaduatc student from Dalhousie University. At the end of the night, King playhily

tcascd rnc about this incident stating that 1 was indeed star-struck, but more

important, star-struck in Halifax.

In narrating this incident as well as presenting the nanauve of the Zellers

clcpartmcnt store, I am attempting to convey the pleasure I have experienced in my

longing for community and the feeling of renewal therein at the end of this writing

iournu-. To conclude this journey of fighting words, below 1 summarise the running

thrcad of this thesis through my rcflections and present some recornmcndarions.

Part Two

\K'har 1 have attempted to convey in this work is that memory is a

batdeground whcre we contest manufactured histonr and memorv, rooted in a white

supremacist culture that must flourish on our forgetfuhess. Unless we use Black memow as agency to reclaim our history and ourselves, we lose the libcrate and discover Our ancestral conanuity. Black memory is the agency for rcsistancc but to remember one must know, and in an oppressive society that creates a hierarchr of knowledge and erperience, the issue becomes how do we corne to know and what compels us toward that knowledge; furthermore, how do we resist that torgctfulncss.

king sites of memory as a tool of resistance, therefore, serves to root Our memon. of Black womenls experiences and ancestry, in which case narrative discoursc bccomcs a sire of memory. From the oral narratives presented in this u-ork, we had the opportuni. to honour and revere Black women's subjecavities rhrough their community othermothering activities. By resisting an imitative intellcctualitv discourse, a decision to engage in oral nmtive research with Black worncn rnowd me in that direction. Because as Maulana Ron Karenga (1969)

Lf 1 communicate this information using the same frame of reference as the whircs who wrote my histon? before, then I cannot even develop myself; 1 have no appreciation of rnvself. Al1 1 am doing is getting infenotiq- in a conccntrated structure. I1m against that. (Karen@, 1969, p. 43)

Thcsc words acted as a beacon for me in rny resolve to engage in affirming

Black cpistemologv. in addition, rnv efforts to reject the choke hold of an imitative intcllectudin discourse, and to reclaim Black mernory as agenq, created the understanding that,

Criucdv speaking about our disciplines, and ourselves, places us on a path to learning different from acadernicdy acceptable and more-often-traveiled roads. Yet with di its difficulties, work for liberatory pedagogy and thought is not devoid of fdfiilrnent. Being neither martyrs nor path makers, we follow in the footsteps of ancestors whose faces and names have been erased form documented sources - but not from our memories. Their spirits propel us alonfi paths of growth and understanding. If we allow fear to silence us, we beuav Our and their visions. Voicing and wnting Our stones, taking our spaces and sharing Our spirits, we build what we need for survive and Liberation. (James & Farmer, 1993, p. 223)

In those moments wvhen I had to keep asking others, and mvself, whv 1was doing this work, 1 was reminded that it was to find myself. In finding myself, I had to keep on to avoid betraying the memories of Black women who have been named and unnamcd, whose cries and laughter nudge us to lovingly go on. If the power of narratives lies in its ability to delight us, insuuct us, and have us surrender to the possibilities of being moved to action and change, of transgressing ways unimaginable cvcn ro ourselvcs, then in this work 1 have been moved. Below is a personal email that actcsts to this power. It was sent to my supervisor, professor Wanda Thomas

Bernard, and graduate program coordinator/thesis cornmittee member, professor

Barbara Kcddy. It read: fi Recoxnmendaa'ons for Mswork

The urgency of work that is celebratory of Black women's lives demands that further efforts are made in this direction to engage in affirming and liberatory rcsearch. Mygreatest hope in this work is that 1 have honoured the iives of Joyce

Ross, Masene Prevost Shephard, and Linda-Lee King, aii three wvornen who agreed to participate in this work, and those whose mernories and names have been cdled upon ro honour our collecuve ancesq.

Bclow, Shephard, Ross, King and 1 offer significant and insightful rccommcndations for this work, following Our response to the interview guide clucstion, "What wvould purecommend be done with this work upon completion?"

13v prcscnung their rccommendauons, they daim authorin. in the wav chat their voiccs arc hcard.

Shephard: What do 1 think should bc donc with it? 1 think you are going to have it typed up and made available in your thcsis, but what do you think you'd like to have done with it?

Chioma: Well 1 would like somehow for the final product to be made avaibble to different cornmunity organisations that would serve to educate ail of US about the importance of doing this kind of work. Talking to people in the community so we can learn you know from pat experiences and wisdom and preserve the history.

Shephard: Yau will receive a lot of that type of feedback from the golden aga.

Ross: The information that will be written, 1 don't care where it goa. It doesn't rnatter to me because 1 think the more people know about the community. the more people know about what's happening, the better. Because it is about time that some of our Black people start being recognised for what they do. Whvi 1 sec people who get high honours and you see all of this stuff, when 1 compare to what 1have done to what they've done. 1 Say it's no comparison. But it's because nobody knows. 50, if nobady knows you can't get recognition but if somebody knows then maybe somebody can recognise you .... So much of Our stuff has been hidden and there are a lot of t hings that has to be told by the people involved because nobody else is gonna tell you the stories. King: 1 would recommuid that it be mode available to OS wide an audience as possible. And 1 know that when you do research out there. I'd make it available to the participants. to your department, to gradwte studies and to the library. 1 think it would be also helpful that it be made available. like placing it in the community. like the Black community as well as the academy. I'd like to sec a special section created... sa that al1 Black works ... work... related to Black issues be tocated in an area where people con f ind them wily. 8ecause for instance, you're in women's studies. Ifsorneone is in history. they might not think to look in womm's studies and be able to recognise your work ...frorn the title. But there rnay be works that Black people are doing from Black perspectives that don't have an identifying title on it... I'd like to sec it placed in places like the Black Cultural Centre and 1 think that the university should provide the funding to do so. I'd like to sua copy placed in the Black Student Advising Centre... and also that it be available... at the North Branch Library - the North End Community Library and that it bc visible enough so that any student that is looking for information written and researched by Black people is accessible...esp ecially oral information. f'd also like to sec your information. your research going to the public archiva. The end [product] ye~...I would like to see your work be also placed... in an oral format as well. And the reaon I say that is that, 1think that it's important for some of the elders and some of the people who were unfortunute enough or. for whatever reason, to attend wiversity. be able to benefit frorn your work as well ... We have people who ...have disabilitia... that rnay not be able to radyour work ... 1 think that it's important for this work to be done in several formats and 1don't think it should be the student's responsibility because it is...g round breaking work. So that 1 sec as a worthwhile investment to do several formats because it is ground breaking. It's ground breaking because it's an areo that's untapped... If the students ore the onu that are breaking the ground. 1 think they should be given their due and credibility. It's an untapped arabecause of the lack of accus and retentional Black students and professionuls and the unwillingness ... to allow other forms of knowledge and information into the academy ... Oral history is very important to our people... To me ifsa wonderful gift. It's a gift to the university and even more so ifs a gift to your, your history. your culture. Our culture, Our people, the elders the future and the pat. pruent... And unless we make it visible... there goes another gift. a contribution of our people that's missed. 'Yes, she went to the university. she's graduated and she's gone.' We may find out that she's working somewhere. several years down. or she muy be just another gradwte. a Black graduate that cîisappears into the sunset. when you made a, a wonderful contribution, and 1 have to say ...although 1had ruervations about participating in your resecirch. I'm glad because it gave me an opportunity to have an insight into what you were doing first hand... and to be part of the process.

Fram mr standpoint, 1 add the foilowing recommendaaons, which fddong nvo Lmes: First, the women's studies program at Dalhousie University, and academia in gcneral, mus engage in an activism of its own by recognising that Black women's knowledgc and lived experiences cannot be left on the periphery of the academic inquin*and scholarship. In spite of the relatively new stanis of the women's studies

&~aduateprogram at Dalhousie University, such issues were deemed insignificant, or qiren no consideration when its foundation wvas laid. Like the scholarship on Black women's Livcs that are left to the end of the List of course readings and marked as

"optional," these issues can no longer be reiegated to such status.

Hence, a serious comrnitment to hiring Black Çemaie (and male) professors,

Ulnck administrators and iibrarians who wiii work toward a visibility of Black womcn's scholarship in academia, wvill be a necessary step in this direction. More important, as Shephard reminded me, in the year 2000, we can no longer accept such inescusable and unforgivable conditions that continue to wnte us out of existence.

Thcrchrc, iiwomen's studies is to maintain its original mandate of rendering worncn's subiectivities visible and in academia, then it must charge ahead and

scriously do so not with some women in mind, but with ail women in rnind. With

thc trcmendous and unceasing support I received from the women's studies faculty in

my proçrarn, from wornen who support this standpoint, 1 urge that their own

activism in making this change a reality is crucial.

Second, leaders, educators, activists, students, and rnembers within the Biack

communin- must plav an active role in ensunng that theses that celebrate and honour

our Blackness are publicised withn the universit). and disserninated to comuniy orga"sations and centres. One way that this cm occur is through a compilation of

such acadernic work or through students themselves notifying community organisations of their work and requesting that a copy of the thesis be purchased for

arailability to the community. Students can also apply, and in some cases appeal, for

funding support through their department for such disseminauon.

This pannership between the comrnunity and academia wdi serve to

cncouragc Black students who resolve to uansgress the structures of white academia

and locate their reality at the centre of their scholarship. The significance therein

cannot bc overemphasised as I can say that from my research experience through the

libran. srstcm,. our works are not easiiv identifiable in the search engines, as one is

impcllcd to walk through the library stacks for an effective search. Furthemore,

swing the thcsis work of other students who engaged in potentiallp liberating

rcscarch that positcd Blackness at the centre of their scholarship, served as a beacon

t;)r mc and a rcrninder that 1 could also follow in that direction. When I write that 1

had to dccolonise my mind throughout this thesis, it speaks to the fact that 1 did not

full! gasp thc importance of loving one's self, of loving Blackness, to engage in

loving and affirming research. III. A Sense of Release: Conclusion

"Wriung is lilce killing, because it takes a lot of courage, the same courage as when pukill, because puare killing ideas, you are killing injustices, you are killing systems that oppress you. ~omeumesit is better to kill the outside world and rot kil yourself." (Nawal El Saadawi, qtd. in Grewal, Kay, Landor, Lewis, & Panar (Eds.), 1988, p. 4-5)

The idea of loving oneself in academia is as foreign a notion and laughable at bcst $yen its cùsaffected milieu. For a people, however, who have been characterised as barbaric, savage, uncivilised, primitive, diq, stupid (and the List goes on), in the vcry academic environment which produced, and continues to produce disciplines that cnforced and prornulgated these characterisucs, the institution of learning is a site wherc one musr indeed raise one's pen and hands to love and affirm one's self

(books, 1994). Because cultural and intellectual arrogance permeates the halls and portraits chat grace the walls of academia, and that "[tlhe vast maiority of black students have becn removed from their history and have precious Little context which to put the vagaries of their own lives.. .." (Hord, 1991, p.v), there was an urgcnt nced for affirmation that insisted on a contest that would honour my identity and hcritage. it was definiteh a love for self and communitv chat held this work togcthcr.

in longing for rnyself, 1 have longed for the spirit of chose who equally long for thcmselves and fight to assert their agency. In diis work, 1 have been fortunate to comc cogether with such people who also long for an affirmation of themselves in their acndemic work. They have taught me of the importance of a loving defiance, of a fighting spirit that is criucd if we are to create change and transgress personaily and intellectually. From his personal experience of working to affirm himself and affirm his Blackness as a Law professor at Harvard Law School, Derrick Bell poignandy offers a crucial consideration if we desire to be enraptured in this act of transgression:

Cornmitment to change must be combined with readiness to confront authoritv. Not because you will always win, not because you wiii always be right, but because your faith in what you believe is right, must be a Living, working faith, a faith that draws vou away from comfort and security and toward ris k, when necessary, through confrontation. (Beil, 1994, p. 162- 163)

Ln this work, "1 had to w to make the invisible visible by bringing these worncn from the margins of scholarship to the center (at least my center) of scholastic concerns" (Hambnck, 1997, p. 68). In this regard, I confronted myself and challcngd myself towards expressions of liberatory research, and in this ccinirontation, through persond and painful honesn-, I have deeply esperienced a rcncu-al. Thcrefore, to those of us, students, administrators, professors, educators, i~ndcommunig-intrllectual workers who work towards a love for engaged pedagogy, u-hilc WC work to çive voice to Our ancestocs, the marginaiised, and silenced, we must rcmcmber ro lovingly support each ocher so that we demysti5 research and encourage orhers to loin in creating Liberatory expressions.

On this note, 1 conclude with a poem that is insened on the following page.

MYdearest friend, Rurarnisai Charumbira, wrote this poem for me while she completcd her own thesis writing and passed on the torch of passion as 1 iourneyd into ml. own uriting. She has rooted me in this work by being indeed being, "a friend to my mind." During my thesis wriang, 1 looked to rny wvd, where the poem was posted. Time after time, I often read one Line as a rerninder of how far 1 had corne and hou. far 1would have to go. Each time, 1 could feel my tears weiling up inside. 1 had similar feelings when I read the words of Baby Suggs, which inuoduce this chapter. 1 su11 feel the same way because her words represent the defiance of fighting words in the spirit of Our ancestors, urging us to love our Blackness. Her words scnc as a rcrninder tt-iat,

For the many like me, black and fernale, it is imperative that Our writing begin to rçcreate Our histones and our myths, as weLl as integrate that most painful of experiences - Ioss of our history and our word. The reacquisition of power to create in one's own 1-image and to create one's own image is vital to this process; it reaffirms for us that which we have always known, even in those most darkest of urnes which are still with us, when eves>thing conspired to provc othcrwise - that we belong most certainly to the race of human. (Philip, 1989, p. 25)

Now, 1 release my tears; with a sense of renewal, remcmbering that we never wnlk donc but alongside our ancestral spirits, who whisper in their scars and in their

smilcs, in their breath and in their touch, to more loving and fighting words of

Ulackncss, timc aftcr time...... And 50 I Came. .. Hey, Phela 1 said 1 searched like an orphan, And thought 1 hod fouid Blackness Like a f ire it seared my body ...and Comrnunity. At f irst. ...then 1 found me, Like a fire it seared my heurt oh the orgasmic rapture. Ouch! ... like a beloved child 1 was cradled At f irst. ... oh yes, 1 found. Or so 1 thought! 1 said 1 found the orgasrnic pleasure Of Blackness... Of Community... Of my ancestor ...... Ou-w, 1 said it seared my body and heart and 1 thought this is it. ...ah, then 1 came oh 1 keep coming, ...then 1 came, 1 will keep coming.... oh the rapture... ! like a f ire it seared my sou1 1 found me...... oh yes, 1 came. 1 found Blackness... 1 said 1 had an orgasmic rapture 1 found Community... Like a fire I found the Ancestor ... The ancestor seared my sou1 1 found Yes, 1 had searched, Me ... At first. ... and then 1 came ... 1 said like an orphon 1 had searched, Ouch! From Ruramisui Charurnbira: Or so 1 thought I was searching.... For you Chiorno €kW my beloved friènd as you journey into your thesis, as you journey urmed with nMoreFighting Words of Slackneu' us Community. ne Ancestor Crodluyou, and 1curry you. Thank You for king thfor me throigh it a/,... Sepienber 6,1999- ûî36hrs Holifox, N Si Canaab. Epilogue

Qtd. in Doroth Winbush Riley, (Ed). (1 991). My Sou1 Looks Back 'Les I Foreet: A Collection of Ouorations Bv Peonle of Color (p. 226). New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

:Ucc U'aiker. (1 983). In Search of Our Mothers Garden (p. 13). New York: FIarcourt Bracc. Sample InteMew Consent Form

Tentative Thesis Titie: Cnaring Tbeir Viribiity:A Celebtation o/ Blmk W'omen i huer tbmrrgh Activism in Hahfax, Xova Sroh

Researcher: Chioma Ekpo Interuniversi- Women's Studies Mas ters Program Daihousie University Halifax, Nova Scotia

Thesis Supervisor: Prof. Wanda Thomas Bernard, Dalhousie University

Thesis Cornmittee Members: Prof. Barbara Keddy, Dalhousie University Prof. Meredith Ralston, Mount Saint Vincent University

1 hcrcbv agrcc to pamcipate in this interview research, which will take place in a stom-tclling format.

1 am aware that n1.0 one-on-one interview sessions will be carried out per participant, and nvo to chrce houn will be allocated per interview session, although this is subiect to change. 1 also understand that the location for the interviews may be in the home of the participant or nt an agreed location.

1 also w~ccto have the interview tape-recorded.

BI- taking part in this research, 1 understand that some risk is involved and that my participation is voluntary, which means 1 have the right to withdraw my consent at anv umc. I am aware that if I choose to release my name in the research, 1 may be subjcct to criticism by the comrnunity or in the area of work 1 am involt-ed. I also havc the right ro refuse answering any question(s) that are asked of me. 1 have been intormed that the interview session will be stopped in the erent that 1 feel uncornfortable while recounting an- life esperience. Given the sensitive nature of telling lifc accounts, 1 have also been informed that every effort wdl be made to cnsurc confidcntiality at every stage of the research in regard to specific aspects of the nnrrnuvcs that the participants do not want quoted or reported.

Plcasc check the following applicable boxes: ïcs No 1 understand that I have the nght to remain anonymous in the research. 1 am also aware, however, that because of my roie in the community, and the close-knit community nenvork, it wili be difficult to preserve anonpity. Yes Xo 1 have consented to the release of my name in this research.

Ycs No I have been informed that the interview audio tape(s) and a copy of the completed research will be made available to me at the end of the research.

1 mar cal1 Chioma Ekpo at (------), or the thesis supervisor, Prof. Wanda Thomas Bernard at (------),at any urne about any concerns 1 may have about the research.

Participant Phone ~umber

Researcher Date Interview Guide

What is your name? When and where were you born?

\XVherein Nova Scotia did you grow up? What \vas it Like growing up as a Black woman in Nova Scotia?

K'hat wcre some of Our memories growing up in the Black community?

Did .ou have any role models that were Black women in your home, in the commuriity, and outside the community?

Khat does communig mean to you?

Has vour identiw as a Black woman shaped this meaning of cornmunit$

How did you corne to be involved in this area of work? Could putell mc a bit about your particular work in the area of r\cademia/Cultural Production/Child Adoption Senriccs/The Church?

What docs the tcrm "activist" mean to you? Would ouconsider yourself an nctivist in the community!

What arc some of the obstacles you faced during your early days of being acave in thc communin.? What are some of thc current obstacles that ouface?

Perhaps vou couid outeii me about some of the encouragement you receive in this "labour and love" called activisrn. What are some of the rewards of doing this kind ofwork? For example, who are some of the people that offer the support vou nccd to continue doing the work in the community?

1 consider doing this research as part of rny activism, in terms of ceiebrating Black women's visibilin; their iives and the work they do in their community. Are there ml. questions \.ou would like to ask me? iVhat would ourecornmend be done with this work upon cornpletion? References

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