EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY: AN PERSPECTIVE TO COUPLE THERAPY by Gail Palmer

elationship counsellors achievable goal when developed a theory that respond to and strengthen relationship counsellors have a postulated that human beings, Rone of our world’s most therapy map. Emotionally both as children and as adults, precious resources: that of our Focused Therapy integrates are biologically wired to seek intimate adult relationships. In attachment theory and its and maintain a few intimate order to effectively treat conceptualization of adult love relationships and reach out to relationships in jeopardy, into a structured therapeutic these significant others when therapists need a model that framework that combines upset, and miss them when gives meaning to the couple’s experiential and systemic they are gone. A secure distress and provides effective interventions that specifically attachment is created through interventions that not only target the emotional bond emotional responsiveness and modify and shift the couple’s between adult lovers. accessibility from the destructive dynamics but also attachment figure. This security help create a sustainable and Adult attachment is defined as provides the individual with resourceful love connection. the bond that exists between both a safe haven to come Secure, loving and lasting individuals who are emotionally home to and a secure base from marriages that provide a safe connected to one another and which to explore and provides a haven and secure base for all who have primary significance in source of comfort, support, members is a realistic and each other’s lives. John Bowlby nurturance and love. 23

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Bowbly postulated that when an dependable and that they can connecting of the interactional attachment bond is threatened expect that they will be loved patterns between partners and there is a predictable response to and valued. Insecurely attached their internal models of self and the separation distress including individuals have had repeated other. The therapist must be angry protest, clinging, experiences that have taught able to focus on the interaction depression and despair and if them others cannot be trusted, between the spouses, which the attachment figure remains that they will be hurt and that generally is an enactment of the inaccessible, eventually either others do not want to be internal script and on the detachment. How each as close as they would like emotional underpinnings of the individual responds to (anxious attachment style) or couple’s interaction. In session, unresponsiveness of an they are uncomfortable being the therapist creates a safe haven attachment figure over time can close (avoidant attachment and intervenes with the couple be defined along two basic style). to help them create emotionally dimensions – anxiety and supportive and accessible avoidance. One strategy is to One can imagine that insecure responses to one another. either over activate proximity- internal working models of self Change for couples comes from seeking behaviours when the and other could be seen as a the creation of new dialogues bond is threatened by anxious major factor in troubled that arise as a result of a clinging, and pursue or react in relationships and that a reprocessing of the inner in an attempt to have the distressed adult relationship emotional experience, which is important other respond. This would continue to reinforce and imbedded in each partner’s insecure attachment style is maintain these learnt strategies. internal working models. referred to as either preoccupied What is important for or anxious in the literature. relationship counsellors to be Emotionally focused therapy aware of is that these models can links all the critical elements An alternative strategy, especially be modified through effective integral to adult attachment and if the hope for responsiveness is attachment based intervention. provides a powerful diminished, is to deactivate Treatment Options experientially based therapy attachment behaviours and designed to strengthen the either avoid or limit emotional Couples who rely on insecure attachment bond. Outcome contact and suppress one’s attachment strategies may research has found that EFT attachment needs. This insecure generally experience decreased produces positive results for the attachment style is labelled as marital satisfaction and majority of couples (see dismissive or avoidant. therefore will likely be the icceft.com for further details). couples that look for therapy to Interventions are made on both A third way of responding is a help alleviate the distress. In the interpersonal and combination of both anxiety session, partners will enact and intrapsychic levels with the goals and avoidance and involves evoke their attachment dance as of: seeking contact but then conflict activates internal 1) de-escalation of negative rejecting the contact when it is working models and individuals cycles, such as attack/withdraw offered. This style is referred to will respond to relationship that tend to reinforce and in the literature as disorganised challenges differently depending maintain attachment insecurity or fearful-avoidant. upon their preferred attachment 2) creation of responsive and strategy. Bowlby believed accessible interactions through These strategies for coping with however that people are capable specific change events - unresponsiveness can develop of changing their models of self withdrawer re-engagement and into habitual styles of relating to and other. Relationship blamer softening- that promote others and becomes a way to counsellors possess the unique attachment security approach relationships, opportunity to provide a 3) consolidation of attachment influencing how one therapeutic experience that rituals that continue to redefine experiences oneself and the impacts attachment security. the relationship as a safe haven. other in relationships. Bowlby labelled these styles as being Attachment theory is the ideal EFT utilises attachment comprised of internal working guide for treatment as it is as they arise in the models of self and other. systemic, linking the self with interactional dance to begin to Securely attached people believe the system and the system with shape and prime soft and 24 that others are trustworthy and the self. Therapy involves the responsive interactions. Insecure

Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Éisteach - Winter 2012

strategies are ways for partners The couple began therapy frustrating when you see her to protect themselves describing a fairly typical tears, and you know she’s hurt, emotionally and to help negative cycle of pursue/ and she is looking to you...what regulate their emotions in an withdraw; however the primary happens then, what happens intimate relationship. difference with this couple is inside when you see her tears?” Therefore, an individual with that Alice was a very soft The EFT therapist is working to an avoidant attachment style pursuer and although she help Rod engage and stay in might take a rational, cool would complain and criticise, contact with his attachment stance with their partner, she would do this in a very soft emotions, and to deepen and dismissing, ignoring or way and would retreat if met expand his emotional experience deflecting their lover’s bids for with a lack of response from her in session. connection. For the partner husband. A typical session who demonstrates a would begin with Alice, with a This is a difficult and slow preoccupied attachment style, strained voice and a tight face, process for Rod and while he there are usually difficulties saying “You are just not can describe in detail all the around differentiating and around – you go to your different facets of his frustration: regulating their emotions. An computer and you just stay annoyance, irritation, anxious partner may take a there. I really can’t count on grumpiness, he struggles with critical, blaming stance towards you for anything more than accessing and labelling any softer their partner as a protective paying the bills. As long as I emotions. Through the therapist measure and as a means to leave you alone, you are happy. helping Rod listen more to his ignite a response, using anger as But I am not – this marriage is internal cues and specifically his a shield to more vulnerable a emotional desert”. bodily reactions, he comes to attachment needs. name first disappointment and EFT Case Example As the EFT therapist helps then finally lost and validate and normalise Alice’s alone. Once Rod has opened the Rod and Alice are a middle- frustration as a protest to door to his own vulnerability, he aged couple who sought disconnection, utilising slow can talk more readily about his therapy when their youngest and reflective interventions, own anxiety around failing his child left home for university. there begins an uncovering of wife and his secret fear that in This couple had focused their softer, more vulnerable the end, if he really appeared emotional energy on raising emotions. Alice is able to state, weak or “sissy”, Alice would their children, and although “I am just so tired and lonely. I reject him. Alice had suffered periodic feel all alone.” Rod, in response episodes of depression, they to his wife’s emerging sadness Eventually Rod is helped to had never sought help for their around her need for affection express his attachment needs to relationship. The couple had and attention, states that he his partner and become a more fallen into a pattern of Rod as really doesn’t need “any of that fully emotionally engaged, caretaker and provider and stuff” and that really all he is responsive and accessible Alice as the complaining, fragile looking for from his wife is partner. Looking at his wife, partner. It was, however, Alice’s space to “do his own thing”. As Rod slowly states; “I have such a personal growth and insistence his wife dissolves in tears, the hard time with this. I know you for a different kind of therapist explores with Rod the need me to show you more how relationship that brought this look of frustration on his face. I feel and I want to try. I just couple to therapy. Rod had Rod is able to acknowledge his might get it wrong and I need learnt very early in life to take frustration and is helped by the you to understand and be care of others as his father therapist to stay in touch with patient”. These softer, more deserted the family when he his own rather then accessible responses allowed was ten, and being the only rely on his defence of telling Alice to see a different side of child he looked after his Alice how to take care of herself her husband and de-escalate her mother, who became alcoholic, or attempting to cheer her up negative emotional reactions. until he met Alice when he was through humour. Through 19 years old. Alice also had a validating Rod’s secondary This more open stance is a segue very lonely childhood and emotion, and evoking the into the of a change parents who fought violently stimulus of Alice’s tears, the event in EFT where a previously and were physically abusive and therapist intervenes further, blaming, critical spouse is able to harsh with the children. “Of course, this is really ask for their attachment needs to 25

Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Éisteach - Winter 2012

be met from an emotionally reengaging the spouse who REFERENCES vulnerable position. It is at this has been emotionally Attachment and loss. juncture in therapy that the withdrawn and softening the Bowlby, J. (1969). Vol. 1: Attachment fears relating to models of self more critical partner, . London: Hogarth and other are more directly constitute change events that Press. The making and breaking experienced. As the therapist are critical to the treatment Bowlby, J. (1979). of affectional bonds notes Alice’s reluctance to hear success. These events begin to . London: her partner’s reach for her, she redefine the relationship as Tavistock. Attachment and loss: Vol. gently explores what is blocking secure, where partners can Bowlby, J.(1980) 111. Loss: sadness and depression the engagement, and Alice turn towards each other and . New moves further and further into be comforted, nurtured, york: Basic Books. her emotional experience, the supported and loved. Johnson, S.M., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, therapist helping her articulate A., Palmer, G. Tilley, D., & Woolley, Becoming and emotionally what she “knows how” but does Partners can then be intimate S. (2005). focused couple therapist: The workbook not “know what”. (Wallin, and interdependent with each . 2007) other and the creation of pp 134–137. New York: Routledge. Attachment theory: attachment rituals helps to Johnson, S. M. (2004) A guide for healing couple relationships The therapist helps reframe reinforce and maintain . Adult Alice’s shut-down and attachment security. Having a In Rholes & Simpson (Eds.) numbness as a shield for her secure base and safe haven in attachment: Theory, research and clinical implications fear that no one will be there life makes possible positive, . (pp 367 –383) New for her, a fear she learnt a long loving interactions which in York: Guildford Press. The practice of time ago, when she needed to turn help build and broaden Johnson, S. M. (2004). grow up quickly and look after individual growth and emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection herself. Alice then accesses her potentially provide the . (2nd Ed) New sadness and around no foundation to a cohesive and York: Brunner /Mazel Introduction to one being there for her in her secure family from which Johnson, S.M. (2003) life and her fear around trusting children can grow and attachment: A therapists guide to primary relationships and their renewal her partner’s present response. flourish. . “I don’t know how - how could In Johnson & Whiffen (Eds.) he be there - no one has ever Attachment processes in couple and been there”. As the therapist (pp.3–17) New York: gently encourages Alice to Guildford Press. Attachment theory: A depend on her husband, she Johnson, S.M. (2003) guide for couple therapy also touches her fear that if she . In Johnson & Attachment processes in really lets him in he will find Whiffen (Eds.) couple and family therapy her unlovable and unworthy. (pp.103–123) The EFT therapist then helps New York: Guildford Press. Alice communicate her Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., Emotionally attachment needs in a direct yet & Schlinder, D. (1999). soft manner, “ I need you to focused couples therapy: Status and take care of me”, which allows challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science Gail Palmer, and Practice for an affiliative response from MSW, . 6, 67–79. her husband. “Sure I can do RMFT is co-directory Johnson, S. M., & Taliman, E. (1997). that – it’s been so long since of the International Predictors of success in emotionally focused marital therapy you let me really be close – I Centre of Excellence in . Journal of want to be there for you.” Emotionally Focused Marital and Family Therapy. 23, 135– Therapy in Ottawa, 152. Emotionally focused This case example shows a shift Canada. For over twenty years, Gail has Johnson, S. M. (1998). in attachment strategies, trained and supervised therapists and interventions: Using the power of emotion Case particularly for Rod who had students in Emotionally Focused Therapy . In F. Dattilio (Ed.) developed an avoidant or across Canada, the US and Europe. Gail studies in couple and family therapy: Systemic and cognitive perspectives dismissive attachment style. The will lead a four-day externship training in (pp. EFT therapist worked with Rod Dublin, Ireland January 17–20, 2013. 450–472). New York: Guildford Press. Attachment in to help expand his internal For further details please contact EFT Wallin, (2007). world and access his attachment coordinator James Parrin, psychotherapy. 26 fears and longings. In EFT, [email protected]. 087 202 9755

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