The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,411 Friday 17 October 2008 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside Historic pubs culture crawl

Centerpage

Business editor explains the crunch

Page 16

How fashionable is Imperial?

Page 30

Street art hits the union Freshers’ Week

review Page 4 What did the freshers actually think of Freshers’ Week. felix finds out, pages 2-3 2 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 3 News [email protected] News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber [email protected] Picture: Tom Roberts Ravi Pall during these apprehensive times, Beit Hall Senior Freshers who attended their hall fes- tivities thoroughly enjoyed meeting Picture: Tom Roberts their peers. With a noticed increase in The general consensus of the Fresher alcohol consumption, defensive walls population at Imperial College sug- protecting people’s true personalities gests Freshers’ Week was an immense crumbled. More friends were made, Felix judges success. In comparison to last year, corridors got to know one another students have commented on the and the expected Fresher cliques new generation of scholars as being were formed. Continuing throughout “tame, but more social.” A view wide- the week, amusing stories from the ly agreed upon, with logical reasons last night were relived, providing bet- freshers’ week such as less vomit in the bathrooms, ter talking points than the aformen- Jovan Nedić Sophie Ellis-Bextor & Richard Jones and more people attending sell out tioned greetings. Argubly the least Editor in chief from the feeling. events. successful night was Wednesday, Thursday night was a cocktail and The high standards achieved this with many freshers choosing to go to reshers’ Week is finally over. chill-out night at the union, a calm and year, kicked off with The Mingle. An Fabric and see Dizzy Rascal instead The question on everyone’s relaxing night, leading up to the Fresh- event that sold out before Freshers’ of the cat like Sophie Ellis-Bextor and lips, however, is: was the ers’ Ball on Friday. Pritchard vs Dain- even turned up to their respective other half Richard Jones. Thursday week a success? ton, MTV’s Dirty Sanchez & Wrecked halls. With the only tickets available ICU wisely decided to take a break, Imperial College Union amused the crowds with their wacky for sale being supplied via halls. Even as Fabric hosted yet abother crazy [ICU] have been claiming that the form of entertainment, which included this, if Beit Hall was any indication, nights of tunes. This didn’t mean, weekF was a great success, with The attaching fishing hooks to each other’s was an adventurous task, with the however, Freshers’ not going to the Mingle on the Saturday and the Fresh- ears and then pulling them until one tickets selling out within a few hours. mighty Fabric missed out. Many stu- ers Ball on the Friday both selling out was loose, as well as piercing each oth- ICU’s first sell out event of the week. dent halls seized the moment to pro- to 1,200 students. The week certainly er with needles and then adding lemon As expected, new students gathered vide more exciting trips to the outside had a lot to offer the students: on Sat- juice. en masse, with the all-too-familiar world. A few of these just ended up in The lovely ladies of Imperial College urday night, Nick Grimshaw from Even though the line-up looked “Hi, I’m BLANK” and “What A-Lev- complete carnage, with some Fresh- Radio 1 was entertaining the crowds promising and the fact that two of the els did you take/Subject to you do?” ers’ blood alcohol content reaching in the marquee, whilst on Sunday the big nights were a sell-out, the question Obviously to unseasoned players of fatal limits. Picture: Tom Roberts freshers were given a chance to have a that remains is wether or not the nights the university game, this is one of the The question “What could make break and relax with some ice cream were enjoyable for the students. Earlier very few talking points with which this week better” crossed the minds of and chill-out music. this week, felix decided to take a sur- one can start a converation. Respec- severely malnourished Freshers’. The Monday was the turn of Imperial’s vey of 116 people, to ascertain wether tively The Mingle was a somewhat answer was Friday’s Fresher’s Ball. Big Jazz Band, again on the stage in or not the week was a success. conserved affair, with very merry Another sell out event, and according the marquee, whilst the crowd relaxed The results of the survey showed spirits amongst the crowd. Alcohol to a recent felix survey, the most en- around tables enjoying a fine selection that there was a fairly even split be- was consumed and surprisingly con- joyable night for numerous Freshers. of cheeses and wine. Tuesday was the tween those students who enjoyed tained within the stomachs of most This night contained massive lineups Freshers’ Fair with the After party in the week and those who didn’t, with a Freshers. With commendable DJ sets form artists such as Nicky Blackmar- the evening. The purpose of this night slight majority in favour of the week. throughout the night supplying fuel ket, DJ Hype and Rusko. However the was to allow various clubs and socie- This could be explained by the fact that Freshers’ week 2008 was hailed as a great success by the union, with both the Mingle and the Fresher’s for dancing into the late hours of the nights main highlight were the crazy ties to showcase their talents, which roughly half of the first year students Ball selling out, with 1200 students attending both events. Fresher’s fair attracted over 300 stalls night. However for many this was boys from Dirty Sanchez. Perfoming certainly worked; given the number of are actually able to attend the events, not the end, with afterparties tak- stunts such as smashing light bulbs people present and the fact that nearly owing to the fact that the venues at the ing place in kitchens and common on their backs, abusing their bodies £7,000 was taken behind the bar. Union have a capacity of 1,200, whilst rooms. Obviously local off-licences with sparks from an angle grinder. Wednesday was the big night for the total number of first year students were ecstatic by the subtantial boost Students felt the show was sick and all the sports teams, though the night is close to 3,000. good music during Freshers’ Week, the about Friday night, as it was proving In conclusion, the survey did provide in revenue. This notion of afterpar- awesome. didn’t go exactly to plan. The Athlet- When they were asked about the students will have a good time. difficult to see the Dirty Sanchez act a valuable insight into the general opin- ties, and wild shenanigans continued On the whole, This years Fresh- ics Club Committee [ACC] had been cost of the tickets, it was found that An argument can be made that it is since the stage was too low. Concern ion of Freshers’ Week, with the main throughout the week, with ICU pro- ers’ Week was both a success to the informed by the Union that the night in general the cost of the tickets were because of the acts that the nights were were also raised as to the capacity of findings being that Friday night was viding entertainment both good and Union and the Freshers’. The only would start at 6.30 p.m, which meant fine, except for The Freshers’ Ball, a sell-out and a huge success, however the venue, as a lot of the students were too expensive, and that the students bad. Comments from freshers resid- negative comments being the high that when they arrived earlier than ex- where around 70% of the people asked one first year student from Southwell unable to attend, with several students would prefer live band rather than a ing in Beit have mentioned nights admission price for the events. An pected they were refused entry. This thought the tickets were too expensive Halls commented that: “I didn’t really commenting that the Union should live act, which coincides with the com- such as the Ice cream Sunday and example being the ejoyable Freshers’ led to many people leaving the Union at up to £14.50. care about the acts, it’s Freshers’ Week, probably try and find an external venue ments made about Tuesday night. In Freshers Fair after party being par- Ball, robbing poor student of £14.50. and not returning, according to some However, despite the cost, around I would have gone anyway.” that can hold all the students. terms of satisfaction, the consensus of ticular poor for new students. This is Evidently various halls saw this as be- of the club captains. To add to the 60% of the students felt that Friday As well as the questionnaire, felix Another surprising result was that the survey seemed to have been that as most likely attributed to Hall events ing too harsh on the student pocket, troubles of the night, the £1.50 a pint, night was the best night for them. asked for an comments the students the second favourite night was the Af- long as good music is played, the week superceding said Union occasions. and in some Halls the tickets were as advertised by The Union, failed to Combined with the whopping 83% of may have had, and it was found that ter party on the Tuesday, with the main will be a success, regardless. However, With so many unaccustomed faces subsidised to £10. materialise until just before 9 p.m. students that said it were the people the majority would have preferred a comment being that the live music others have argued that the true suc- Hall Seniors, showing the freshers how to drink. Eventually all the problems were fixed, and not the entertainments that made live band instead of a live act, since it made it enjoyable for them. This can cess of Freshers’ Week will be seen by and the crowds were entertained with their night, and the fact that 60% of would not have involved them being be viewed as a massive success for the how many of the students will be re- team karaoke and give aways, whilst them didn’t have a favourite headline able to see everything. This was the various clubs and societies that took tained by the various clubs and socie- Picture: Tom Roberts being serenaded by Me & Mr Jones i.e. act indicates that as long as there is main problem that students voiced part in the show. ties in the coming weeks.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest felix 1,411 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 17/10/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2008. Felix was brought to you by:

Editor in Chief Arts Editors Fashion Editor LOLCATS Jovan Nedić Caz Knight Dan Wan David Paw Deputy Editor Emily Wilson Music Editors Kadhim Shubber Peter Sinclair Food Editors Susan Yu

Associate Editor Rosie Grayburn o f t eh W EE K Gilead Amit Afonso Campos Sports Editors Jack Cornish Copy Editors Film Editor Mustapher Botchway Louise Etheridge Zuzanna Blaszczak Dina Ismail Photography Jonathan Lloyd-Williams Businees Editor Tom Roberts Dasha Nakariakova Luke Dhanoa Good work this week guys. Also Layout Editors Science Editors as promised, the office has been Alice Rowlands Mičo Tatalović tidied, food will be provided for Daniel Burrows next week. Promise! Politics Editors James Goldsack Coffee Break Editor Jov Katya-yani Vyas Ravi Pall Freshers’ gone wild: The marque full of students having a good time. 4 felix Friday 17 October 2008 News [email protected] Main Dinning Hall serving Imperial fall to 6th, Oriental buffet, for now UCL climb to 7th Alice Rowlands Daniel Wan bles, which conveniently rank eight News Correspondent News Correspondent American universities in their top ten. In contrast to the THE rankings, Impe- Sales in food from the Main Dining An updated Times Higher Education rial are placed 27th, whilst MIT stand Hall (MDH) have declined by 27% in (THE) World University rankings for in a commanding 5th place. one year, so it may have escaped your 2008 were announced this week, which Imperial scored perfect 100s in Staff/ notice that the option of buying hot saw Imperial drop one from last year’s Student, International Students, and meals has been replaced by a £5 per 5th place. Imperial are only bettered by Employer Review scores, and aver- head ‘all you can eat’ ‘oriental’ buffet. Harvard, Yale, Cambridge, Oxford and aged at 98.4, 0.2 points behind 5th Unfortunately, the term ‘all you can now California Institute of Technol- place. The Times Higher Education re- eat’ should technically be replaced by ogy, who leapfrogged Imperial, moving vamped their ranking methodology in ‘all you can stack on your plate the first up 3 places from 7th to this year’s 4th. 2007, with Imperial taking great strides time you go to the counter’ and ‘orien- Despite controversy of 2007 rankings up the tables due to the introduction of tal’ should be replaced by ‘anywhere placing the renown American universi- graduate recruitment scoring. in Asia’. As some students have put it, ty Massachusetts Institute of Technol- Top British universities have taken a this option doesn’t compare favourably ogy (MIT) below Imperial, MIT have fall as a whole, with both Cambridge with the Oriental Canteen in South remained so; albeit by a smaller mar- and Oxford also slipping a single rank- Kensington- Chinese food at about gin of ranking for 2008. Many Ameri- ing. Bloomsbury-based UCL bucked £3.50 to £4.00 for a main course, or the can universities disregard the Times this trend and actually climbed 2 plac- Queen’s Arms- gastro-pub style of food Higher Education rankings in favour es to 7th; sniffing Imperial’s figurative which starts at around £6 for a main of Shanghai Jiao Tong University’s ta- backside one ranking behind. course. The only other hot food on campus, available to undergraduates, is in the Junior Common Room [JCR] and consists of soup, paninis, burgers or fried chicken. Several student have written into felix complaining that this is unsatisfactory, as there isn’t a realis- tic, healthy alternative. Jane Neary, head of catering and con- ferencing at Imperial, explained to felix that as well as declining food sales, the hot counters used in the MDH were not able to keep food hot enough to satisfy health and safety regulations. Jane Neary commented that “some- thing drastic” had to be done to tackle the falling sales and health standards, which is why a buffet was chosen. Top: queue in daVinci’s. Bottom: Oriental buffet in the Main Dining Hall The option of opening an oriental buffet on campus appealed because of the high Asian population at Imperial. es. One student even wrote in to say new buffet have been lower than the It was also pointed out that the buffet that the MDH served “slimy noodles, school-dinner food of old and change is only a temporary solution until the terrible egg-fried rice and deep-fried can be expected soon. problems with the MDH can be re- vegetables.” In comparison to the JCR, anyone solved. What is unclear to this reporter The oriental buffet will be reviewed lucky enough to be allowed into the is why buffet chafing dishes are able at the end of the week (sales made in Senior Common Room [SCR], will to hold the heat better than the hot the MDH during the first week were know that College are capable of pro- counters. disregarded due to the fact that it was viding edible hot meals starting from felix had also received a review of Freshers’ Week). However, if queues in £4.25, as well as the option of choos- the food at the buffet, which included the JCR and DaVinci’s are anything to ing your own salad - a privilege that comments about the poor quality and go by (note: food is also served in dB’s- has been taken away from the under- poor attempts to imitate oriental dish- no, I didn’t know either!), sales of the graduates in the JCR. Nope, we don’t know how the scoring works either. Go figure.

Street art hits the union quad Surgeon takes out wrong organ at St. Mary’s

Jovan Nedić several checks that are made to ensure the particular operation they may re- Editor in chief that such a mistake is not made. Such quire, which is accompanied with them measures include giving each patient a to the operating theatre. The Trust has An investigation is taking place at St wrist-band which has their name and a not commented on wether or not any Mary’s Hospital in Paddington after a unique number that links them to the of those responsible had been sus- patient was given the wrong operation. particular treatment they may require. pended, however one senior surgeon at A woman was admitted for a gynaeco- As well as all these measures, the pa- the hospital told The Times this week logical procedure and ended up being tient is made to sign a consent form for that “Heads are bound to roll.” taken to an operating theatre to have her gall bladder removed. Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust, of which St Mary’s is one of the hospitals, has claimed that the opera- tion was actually fortuitous. Once the gall bladder was examined, it was re- alised that it needed to be removed anyway. A spokeswoman told the Tel- egraph that: “During the operation, the patient was found to need this treat- ment which was successfully carried out.” “The patient made a good recovery and her original problem was resolved. The trust has apologised to both the patient and their family who have now returned home.” The main concern raised here is News corespondent, Afonso Campos, was supposed to write an that there could have been such a article, but he didn’t, so we put in a picture instead! mistake. With each patient, there are This hospital belongs to Mary., I want a hospital all of my own too 6 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of felix A votive offering to Thalia here must be a word to I am also unusually fond of hyphena- my. Their priorities, as ever, were spot they don’t exist, but also too young, in describe the combination tion, but that’s a different issue. For me, on. Because it literally is vitally impor- many cases, to have experienced them of phobias that I have. I comedy is on a par with science and art. tant to find things funny. Take away directly. We float in a pristine pool that would imagine some hid- Not a subdivision of either but equal a sense of humour and you remove we are desperate to prove is as mud- This just in eous Greco-Latin mon- to both. The Universe is a mysterious, a sense of perspective. Funny things died as anything that surrounds us. strosity with an indecent number of terrifying, incomprehensible and the- might not necessarily be less evil or I am tremendously lenient when it he hubbub surround- Guinness. read the ‘right’ version of events. A BLACK HOLE?”. Tprefixes. I’m not in the mood to start saurus-burstingly vast place for things unpleasant than unfunny ones, but at comes to borderline jokes because I ing the fashionista sluts I think a real contributing factor It’s tiresome, because the people who No, it’s a fucking peak on a line scouring www.phobialist.com at the as insignificant as us to find ourselves least we feel that we understand them. know and share the motivating force in Hangman a few weeks here is that most people who write really shouldn’t be acting like arseholes graph. It’s probably the power con- moment but I have no doubt that it in. We are grossly underequipped to The ability to summarize a situation behind them: our attempts to make back was quite a surprise to for newspapers are exactly the kind of end up gibbering and flailing copies of sumption of their air control system as would furnish me with the answer. To dealing with it, but we’re doing pretty in a joke or an amusing cartoon effec- some sort of sense of the randomness me when I picked up Felix people whose opinion you don’t want The Independent at you, screaming a thousand idiotic journalists suddenly Gilead Amit tell the truth, now that I come to think well for the grandchildren of apes. tively neutralizes it, strapping it to the of existence, to categorize and ex- last week. Despite living with women to hear. To be a journalist you need, bloody murder and conspiracy theo- started sweating at absolutely fuck all about it it’s probably something quite Our genuine attempts to fill in the operating table where you can examine plicitly describe the things we are too Tin the vicinity, I’d had no idea that the broadly, two key attributes: the ability ries. I’m surprised you morons aren’t happening where they’d promised their short and pithy, because what I have is black hole-like gaps in our knowledge it without fear. Laughing at something scared or uncomfortable to directly A. Geek piece had caused offence, as I’d taken it to generate what’s called ‘filler’ – mind- up in arms about this because the ma- live viewers apocalypse and cries of by no means unusual. Just pathetic. take the form of scientific investiga- means you can tell where its limits are; confront. There will always be idiots as more of a mockery of male attitudes less chatter to boost word counts, also jority of the press is taking the piss out Eureka. The truth is that I’m afraid of change. tion and artistic expression. The quest that you can see the places where it with no sense of comic timing, cre- rather than women. Having said that, I known as ‘articles’ if you work for The of you on a regular basis. It’s just gut-wrenchingly sad more I abhor any alteration to the routines to find the logical order behind why borders on the ridiculous. That gives tins who have no idea what audience think some of my female friends did try Metro – and the ability to manipulate TheLondonPaper’s attempt at ‘un- than anything, maybe particularly so I’ve laid down for myself. I am the fud- external reactions and behaviours are us the feeling of certainty and control is appropiate for what sort of joke, and to tell me something, it was just hard text. Ninety-five percent of journal- derstanding’ LOLcats last week was a for anyone who’s ever had a hope of diest of duddies and the muddiest of as they are, and the equally insatiable we desperately need. bigots who genuinely find racey jokes to hear them with the hoover going ists go into an interview with someone good example of this, with the journal- writing as a living in the future. Be- sticks. For a stinking wreck of neuro- need to find the order behind our in- Life is so mind-bogglingly absurd that funny for the wrong reasons. Ignore and the door to the kitchen shut all the knowing exactly what they want when istic equivalent of your parents discuss- cause the sad truth is that once you ses, though, I can still coin the occa- ternal reactions and behaviours. Many all you can really do about it is laugh. them. Examine the context. The world time. I’m sure it was nothing. they leave. Unsurprisingly, they always ing rap music making up a beautiful hit freelance work you’ll slowly realise sional euphonious phrase. less talented or original souls attempt The more nervous and uncertain you of comedy should not have heavily-po- What surprised me, you see, is that manage to get it, and that’s by twisting, one-page feature on the ‘phenomenon’ that to make any money, you’ll need to I’m sorry – this is misleading. It to garner some understanding from re- are, the more hilarious everything be- liced borders, but rather well-defined someone had an emotional response shearing and mushing up the words that has ‘millions hooked’. LOLcats is throw away notions of changing things sounds as though I’m either going to ligion – wasting their time on lazy and comes. Hence the fine line between a ceasefire lines we recognize and get to something they read in the press. until they spell out the right phrase. It’s a firm favourite in the Felix offices, of forever in favour of, well, going along relate some amusing anecdotes about stultifying acts of self-deception and baby’s tears and giggles, the frenzied giddy thrills from treading. I’d taken it as read that we just ignored like playing Scrabble with the Cookie course, but trying to understand and with everyone else. my aversion to change or provide you truly futile re-interpretations of the sex jokes that plague high school sex We’re scared. We’re alone. There is what people wrote in newspapers and Monster. concoct a page’s worth of something And that doesn’t justify anything with a fool-proof guide to emotional original work of others. ed teachers the world over, and the evil out there as well as genuine apa- the like nowadays. Why else would I These two things combine to form that you probably only heard about the that’s out there. I’m not even saying stability and mental openness. I’m But comedy ranks up there with both obsession with paedophilia, death, thy, which is infinitely more frighten- write this column. The only time I’ve this horrific concoction of hypocrisy, day you were commissioned to write that Hangman’s opening misogyny afraid I can’t do either. My own psyche science and art. It came as a relief to me sexual fetishes and genocide that char- ing. Humour is what allows us to get felt moved by a newspaper headline sensationalism and general ranting, about it results in the kind of writing spectacular was the sort of thing you’d We’re is still a construction site, and far be it earlier this week to discover that the acterises the humour of young adults. through unspeakable trauma and face was when I was told that Jade Goody and I’ve not found a single paper that that would only really entertain people expect to see in your average national for the man with builders in the attic Ancient Greeks had a muse of comedy, These last few are the things that scare up to our own inevitable brutality and had a fifty-fifty chance of survival, and isn’t susceptible to it. Everything from that had been dead for three to four publication. But we’re not a national scared. We’re to give out DIY tips with any degree of as well as the more well-known muses us most. We are too old to lock the decay. At the end of the day, it’s all we that was because the one thing you the FT to felix has writers who are will- hours already. publication. We’re a student paper. confidence. of history, tragedy, dance and astrono- bogeymen in the closet and pretend have. expect to be able to depend on in this ing to bullshit their way through eight When they chose to cover the And it’s our comedy pull-out section. alone. There is There is, however, one remarkable world – terminal illness – had man- hundred words, and crowbar events switch-on at the LHC – and I’ve been And it’s got a photo of the Oxford rec- “ product that can be acquired safely aged to fail on me spectacularly. So in into a moral-of-the-story cookie cutter. unable to find anyone that can debunk tor with lasers coming out of his eyes. evil out there as and legally and is guaranteed to help. general the press only are there to of- And when it’s Jade Goody being crow- rumours that the BBC actually asked And to be quite frank, if you’re still It’s been around for a while, but the fer me crosswords, comedy-sized pho- barred and bullshitted, why should I for a big red button to be installed for into taking things like that seriously well as genuine modern-day ultra-refined version has tographs I can annotate with various care? Frankly, I’d like it if the crowbar their news coverage – one paper ac- then subscribe to The Daily Mail, get lost none of its power. I’m talking about genitalia sketches, and the occasional was actually made of bullshit. But it tually printed a photo of a computer the cardboard out, and start writing a apathy, which is Humour. It’s a phenomenal concept FREE! soundtrack from a movie I’ve permeates everywhere, and everyone screen with a graph on it, and anno- stiff letter on it to anangrygeek@goog- with a fascinating history and incred- never heard of, usually starring Alec seems to think they’re the ones who tated it with a caption saying “IS THIS lemail.com. infinitely more ible, almost instantaneous results. It is no coincidence that we humans frightening. simultaneously have a sense of humour and an (albeit superficial) understand- ing of the Universe: the two unques- tionably go hand-in-hand. The Uni- verse is an inherently ridiculous place: The plight of Zohair ” I don’t need to quote Douglas Adams at you to make my point. The more ast issue felix asked us to de- the Palestinian / Occupied territories ments” would hold… complete our awareness of our mind- bate the rights and wrongs – and if you don’t, you are an ignorant I do not think it is unreasonable for boggling insignificance, the more ri- of the case of Palestinian loser. If there is anything that can pro- us to ask the College and the Union diculous our existence seems. This is student Zohair Abu-Shaban mote peace or some improvement in to take this matter seriously, and I am enough to drive some to despair, oth- and the denial of his passage the region then it is not building walls sure things are being done, but I would ers to madness, others still to religion, through either Israel or Egypt by the and segregating the indigenous com- like to see the student body at Imperial some to science, some to philosophy IsraeliL administration to allow him to munities, but instead education and being kept aware through regular com- and a large proportion of all of the attend his MSc at Imperial this year. gestures of good-will. What possible munication. Plus, I also think there is above to humour. However, I am sure that most people benefit the Israeli administration sees a good case for students at Imperial to I am a great uplifter-onto-pedestals. The muses. Thalia, second from the left, is the muse of comedy and bucolic poetry. Just a bit of context. would be of the opinion that no debate in stealing aspirations from positively rally together and get an active cam- is needed at all. This is a gross viola- motivated individuals, I just do not paign and petition going that can in- to pursue a better life through similar Ammar tion of the rights of an aspiring, award- know. Conversely, what I do know is clude people from all walks of life and restrictions but thankfully British stu- winning student and the only thing we the usual apathetic response we can political persuasions. Since this case dents were able to organise a campaign need to talk about is what, if anything, expect from the relevant embassies has already received attention in the large enough to counter this. Now that Waraich we can do. and offices. I would love to see what national media, it is possible to have a Khaled is in Britain and has started a I really, truly hope that students at Im- they say if one of their own children significant impact. national organisation that we can also Rampage of idealism perial are aware of the absolute squalor was stopped dead in his or her educa- There was another case in the past turn to for support (www.letpalstudy. that is the Gaza strip and the horren- tional tracks. Somehow, I don’t think when a Palestinian student called org.uk), I feel optimistic that together lobal warming has use for investments in hedge-funds, for in fact. For a real crisis look at the car- ally have. It seems I am asking rather dous life the people have to endure in paltry excuses about “hostile govern- Khaled was denied the opportunity we can do the same again. stepped aside and let example. These investments took place nage from a natural disaster or Zimba- a lot of you especially after Britain has credit crunch/crisis/ even before the homebuyers had paid bwe. Admittedly, the economy has the bred a litter of borrowers hooked on commotion take centre back their debts. It was only when the potential to wreak real havoc such as loans before they have left the womb. stage. The very word banks had borrowed up to five times death and famine but that is in the cir- I am in a very easy, comfortable posi- ‘crunch’ evokes the image of our world- what these original debts were worth, cumstances of a depression. We have tion to look with disdain upon the hype Gly possessions crushed under our col- that it become clear that homebuyers not even arrived at recession yet. If the of our present economic situation. I lapsing homes, forced into dilapidation were unable to pay off these mortgag- country reaches a state of depression, I don’t own any credit cards and so am It’s all gone wrong by our impending poverty. But for all es. Lehman Bros. had no option but will eat my words. only able to spend money I actually the frequency with which we hear that to close. We in the UK feel the shock However, the Media is doing a bril- have. Whilst enjoying a particularly t has all gone so very wrong. The King of Kings: Look on your works, ye causing to starve bring you joy? Are his day). Caz Knight phrase (and others such as ‘recession’, waves as many of the hedge-funds had liant job of creating a recession by overpriced cocktail distinctly lacking economy crumbles! Inflation Mighty, and despair! your emotions so warped and twisted Where was I? Ah yes, hello, welcome ‘FTSE’ and ‘merchant banker’) I won- British banks investing. Any decrease inspiring fear and stinginess in the in alcohol on the King’s Road with a soars! The weather is colder! Oh, Ozymandias, indeed. You are at Im- that making trillions upon trillions of and all that. If you are a returning stu- der how many people actually know in a bank’s assets will have repercus- population. This will only accelerate friend, a middle-aged man of banking it is you. I am ever so sorry, I did perial now where all your accomplish- people suffer is the only way that you dent I hope the wretched stupidity that what the Hell is going on and what im- sions on us, the savers. Less money for the recession if less money is being profession sat at the table next to us – not realise that you were here. ments are as the monuments of the might feel a flicker of long-forgotten is affirmative action towards peasants plications it will have on us. It is with them, less for us as they stop lending pumped into our economy. I despair “No shopping today, Ladies?” – clearly Your term has started? How important! Pharaohs: buried beneath the desert joy? has not blighted your test scores. My some timorousness that I embark on to us in the form of credit. We are no that people will blindly swallow what frazzled and anxious at the prospect of IHow note-worthy! The ramifications sands. Your worth here can be meas- It was debt that caused the economy father endowed the College with a this opinion, for I am a girl with lit- longer at liberty to spend tomorrow’s the Media puts forth without consid- things to come. A double whiskey was will ripple across the Universe, ending ured and weighed, and any calibrated to revert to the club-to-the-face-your- chair and yet my exams were still grad- tle experience of the world’s financial money today. ering: How much of my expenditure is ordered swiftly and I felt his frustra- stars, destroying galaxies and threaten- scale will tell you that your value is ex- stuff-now-mine economic model em- ed based upon my performance, like a markets and my experience of Canary What riles me most about this deba- reliant on credit? Will the bank reduce tion as they fluffed his order. This time ing the very fabric of existence itself! actly equal to the cost of your tuition ployed by our cave-dwelling ancestors, commoner! How is it fair that I must Wharf begins and ends in the tube sta- cle is just how the Media is portraying what it offers to lend me? And by how must be stroke-inducing for those at Viscount A million people tremble at the fees. in the age before Adam Smith wrote endure such a handicap? Since when tion’s extensive adjoining food court. the economic situation. My confusion much do I have to curb my spending? If the helm of our banks and markets, sound of the faintest remnants of the To think, people lose their jobs and his magnum opus, ‘Why It Is Right did money cease to make me superior To sum up the fiscal events until this began when I read headlines telling us the answer is many hundreds or thou- their heart rates rising as stocks and echoes of your footsteps! You are the homes because you are forcing the and Proper That Poor People Ought to others? point briefly and, I hope, not errone- of ‘meltdowns’, ‘Black Thursdays’ and sands then you have every right to be shares plummet: not to mention their Kensington rocks of the eternal shore; all that Government to spend all its money to Starve and That Banks Should Lend In any just society I would have been ously, it all began with banks in Amer- ‘crises’. I look at the world around me worried and I suggest you eat beans Christmas bonuses. crashes against you is broken! Neither provide you with an extremely gener- More Money Than Exists Because awarded a PhD there and then. They ica lending money to homebuyers. The and everything is still in its place. I still out of the can for a while. (I enjoy this Whatever the events and the future, Perdition’s Flame nor Heaven’s Light ous loan. You monster! You heartless Keynesian Economics Will Have Been won’t even give the money back so I bank used the claims on these home- have my health, my friends, my family habit: whatever my bank balance). So I think the Media needs to desist in the could enlighten that which was in your creature of the abyss! Do the screams Invented By The Time It Becomes An cannot cheer myself up by having peo- buyers’ mortgages as security for loans and everything else I had before this the solution is to make sure you keep incessant coverage of this subject until shadow. Your name is Ozymandias, of the children you, and you alone, are Issue’ (they were fond of long titles in ple thrown in rivers by ninja-butlers. the banks would take out themselves to sensationalism: probably even more, spending but only the money you actu- when we actually need to worry. 8 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 9 Comment [email protected] [email protected] Comment Imperial... what a load of bankers “You’re well safe, son. Let me give you a eople complain about the prehensive polytechnics are consist- pose. The result (not-with-standing bonuses does much to corrupt people, credit crunch too much. ently beaten by decrepit grammar uni- the Union Stationary Shop income which is something we could really do “Oooh, the banks are col- versities – although again it would be a skyrocketing), would probably be that without at the moment. I know I’m not biscuit.” lapsing,” “I’ve lost all my relief that Lord Patten will have some students will follow careers in their the most moral of people, but cleaning money,” “I’ve got no house,” other elitist tripe to trawl on about. chosen disciplines. tarmac is expensive, and the last thing ow that you’re reading still don’t get that. On what, Ken? On are just some of the whines I have What is nice, however, is the fact that I personally can’t see the point in we need at the moment is more jump- my article after being your mum.) Pheard in the last couple of months. Al- the banks are collapsing. There is the doing a Physics Masters for four years ers. That and more homelessness and utterly perplexed but si- I’m all riled up and unnaturally ag- though I should probably stop discuss- general sentiment that we shouldn’t be or an Engineering PhD for six when divided families, such as in the 90’s. multaneously intrigued gravated at this time of day, and it’s all ing complex economic theories with bailing out the banks because they’ve all the graduates then intend to do is I don’t honestly believe for one mo- by its headline, I can se- down to a couple of horrific experienc- tramps. But I’ve been looking for that brought this all on themselves, but £288 gamble away mine and everyone else’s ment that all the ills in the world can Dan Wan verely disappoint you. Another moan es over these last couple of days. Re- silver lining and, not being able to see per person on the Earth is a small price money in some jumped-up office in the be solved by banning this charade of Nabout public transport? Yes, sirree. wind to last Sunday evening, and you’ll the wood for the trees, have just found to pay for preventing the end of the City before they go home and get their broadcasting propaganda, thinly veiled Damn fucking right and it’s all justified see me standing at Notting Hill Gate Jaimie Henry it here at Imperial. economic world. What we shouldn’t be rocks off. Students spent years and as “careers fairs” and no doubt some too. coming back from the shitty part of my One of the bendy buses around central London It’s not the fact that eventually com- doing is bailing the bankers out. huge amounts of debt training as these students make the decision to go into TFL, you sons of a collective bitch, week where I get treated like dirt as a panies won’t be able to give out free You may like to think that the cur- professionals, and to claim it’s all for finance for completely altruistic or aca- why do you bother charging me horrific Sales Assistant. I’ve decided to subject razors, so self-absorbed feminist wan- rent climate would mean no more big “transferable skills” is like claiming sex demic reasons. But allowing such insti- amounts of money each week to sit on myself to the seemingly unconnected since they’re cheaper, and drivers have Red Bull addled night in Tiger Tiger, nabees can go write into university bonuses and certainly no more cham- is a transferable skill for rape. Maybe it tutionalised greed to be sanitised and the sweaty tin cans you call trains and branches of the District Line for rea- to have some skill other than pulling a has inadvertently swiped their Col- newspapers complaining about how pagne, but parasites that work in bank- is a caveat of the government’s policy force-fed into the mouths of students is buses, getting progressively annoyed sons unknown to man. All I want to do lever up and down in accordance to red lege card on an Oyster reader only to it’s an affront to their human rights ing will find a way to keep hold of their of cramming people into universities going to do nothing but perpetuate the until I end up getting off and walking is get back home (Fulham Broadway) and green lights. Today though, this be met with the red light of shame and (despite such razors coming with trophy wives. It will mean, however, left right and centre, but if these stu- gluttony that has already engulfed the the rest of the way, because it always via a simple 7-minute ride on a Wim- driver figuratively took the piss, and buzzer noise of rejection. The one on bottles of – traditionally manly – eye that Imperial’s endless supply of free dents go on to work in these fields it financial sector and currently threatens turns out to be quicker? All right, that’s bledon-bound train. “Next Wimbledon literally took the wrong bus route. De- a par with that infamous Family For- makeup remover), although admit- pens, cuddly toys, textbooks and god can be no bad thing. But they won’t. Is to take us all down with it. So maybe, not entirely true; I once had to hobble train within 6 minutes,” the dot matrix spite several diversion signs and road tunes ‘wah-woh’ noise. tedly this would be nice. It’s not even knows whatever else is being pushed it such a strange concept to fresh-faced just maybe, the impending doom that all the way home after trying to jump board states. Fast forward an hour blockages, he managed to ignore them Normally though, the driver just that eventually the notion of top up onto students by Botox-faced “execu- 18 year old applicants to actually want is the credit crunch might make things a railing in Piccadilly Circus, failing later, and I’m on the platform of High all, and found himself doing a three- wants to get home because, after all, fees will have to be abolished or that an tives” who would be quite happy push- to do the subjects they apply for? Prob- a little lighter on our shores, even if we and ending up effectively hurling my- Street Ken, the station one stop down point-turn on Kensington Church its 4am, and he probably has some unfamiliar system of overfunded com- ing crack to kids if it served their pur- ably not, but the lure of fast cars and do run short on biros. self across the pavement to the horror- the line. The Wimbledon train took 26 Street. To top it all off, he decides that sort of life that doesn’t involve shift- cum-amusement of Spanish tourists. minutes, not 6 as promised. All Under- he’s too good a driver for the usual bus ing hundreds of drunk fucks around That time definitely took longer than ground staff hate you. They only open stop I get off at, and skips it altogether. London. So, he waves you onto the bus the train I would have been on. the disabled gates for you because they Why the hell not, eh? without a fare, thinking you’re just too Come January, another price hike truly think you’re disabled, when re- Not all bus drivers have the IQ of cheap to have any credit on your Oys- will see minimum fares on the Under- ally you’re only limping because you’ve Hangman’s scrotum, though. Since ter. And amongst the mess that is your ground rise to £1.60, and buses to £1. kicked a train door open in frustration College insist on giving us CID cards brain after 11 cheap drinks, you think, Freshers’ Week... it’s finally over Boris blames Ken, and as a retort, Ken moments before, when the driver for- that use the same swipe technology as ‘Wow that was actually a kind gesture nasally goads the people of London got to open the doors and walked off to Oyster cards, I’m sure every Imperial of trust.’ So, you decide to say to him s Freshers’ Week finished, your new friends’ (and supposing you themselves, if this year’s handbook is of us are a) Undergraduates b) Naive c) for voting Boris into office. Fuck both take an undeserved break. student, at some point, probably when “You’re well safe, son. Let me give you a I, for one, breathed a sigh haven’t located those new, often mad- to be believed. Freshers are cute, naive, Amused. Second, break away from the of you, Mayors of London (Seriously, I I expect a little less of London buses, drunk coming back from the Vodka- biscuit.” I didn’t have any biscuits. of relief. It’s bad enough deningly elusive, glorious bastards and good looking, like bunny rabbits. boring pattern of evening alcohol as a that this is my second yet, or lost them in the human soup Freshers will soon become proudly medium to fun and new pals in Fresh- Freshers’ week at a fresh of Freshers’ fair, anyway?) and instead cynical and hardened like the current ers Week and find better ways to get new university – that’s right, I’m a find yourself stepping back to your pad 2nd or 3rd years, like weasels. Fresh- us used to this place. Third, for God’s Apostgraduate student, remember, we for a quiet night in with your silent mo- ers will be partying madly all the time, sake stop insisting that these are going exist here too? – chock full of the same bile phone. Supposing you’ve had your having the best years of their life (it’s to be the best years of anyone’s life, or old hype and breathless banalities I’ve fill of small talk and attempts to break all downhill from here, folks!) whilst else continue sowing seeds of unneces- Why do bachelors Dear Susie Peng/ encountered before. Now I can get on into protective first-week cliques, well simultaneously breezing through the sary worry in the minds of those who, Annabel with my university life – not what Mr too bad. You’re an adult, you’re at your three or more most academically chal- eventually realising that in a short time Student Cliche, in his many guises, says new university, you’re in a week of pur- lenging and trying years of their life. I the supposed best years are going to be my university life should be, which, if ported hedonism, and you’re not Out can only assume this last statement is over and yet life still doesn’t feel like like smart women? Chao Cui Slater the general events and psyche of all There Being Part Of It. Being forced to true, since most writers prefer not to Elysium and ambrosia now, that they that excitable ‘Fresher’ literature is to have fun at awkward events can be bad, detail much about the realities of aca- clearly are doing university wrong. oday I received an insult The female Freshers do need to ac- found your response to the hat appeared in the be believed, consists of rampant drink- but being forced to feel like you should demic study at university when there’s Fourth, hide the level of sexual frustra- (whoops... I’ve just been climatise themselves to this inherent Hangman section strangely sad. Hangman section ing every night (and indeed if that’s definitely be having fun is worse. egotistical, lazy fun to be poked at new tion seeping into certain felix writings informed that they’re ac- maleness though; by choosing to study You seem to be labouring under that caused this so, why do so many societies insist on I admired efforts to secure vaguely students. References to the lingering (irrelevant but there seems a heck of a tually ‘witty retorts’) and Science (and we don’t mean by choos- the misapprehension that the uproar was clearly inconveniently putting recruiting ses- famous entertainment names on two stung pride of supposedly being Ox- lot of sexual innuendo and male roger- laughed. That’s right. Me. ing to study at a scientific institution) authors were being remotely not a serious ar- sions in the early hours of the day?), nights of the week- one up on my old bridge rejects, ho-ho, never gets old, ing jokes pasted through what I’ve read Woman. Sexist (joke) insult. Laugh. they will be subjected to this form of serious! ticle. In fact, as one may have figured collecting swathes of phone numbers uni there- but might I suggest welcom- the potential Dark Path of investment of felix’s more casual laddish pieces so TSome people at this university really humour throughout their working ILet x be the length of time you have Wout from the name HaxzorMcRandy_1 in a couple of days, and studying to get ing events that don’t involve late nights banking / management consulting / far, there’s no game in trying to spot need to grab the rod that is shoved life. It’s different to our normal sense spent at Imperial College. As some- we are clearly dealing with someone a top class degree in tandem. and cocktails at the Union, but instead ‘corporate whoring’ (seems to be the it). so far up their arse that they can’t ap- of humour but that doesn’t mean that body who has endured Imperial life for who spends a considerable time of his Forgive me for being a grumpy old free food and movie nights, lunchtime trendy term now) which no doubt lies Honestly? So far, I’m very much look- preciate a joke, give it a good twist and by appreciating it you will automati- (3x + 12)/3.75 (Sorry I couldn’t resist life on the Internet. Not only that, but postgrad of 23 years old, but I didn’t barbeques, theatre shows, society dis- ahead in the Real World for the naive ing forward to a year of Imperial. No, GSOH ever so carefully remove it from their cally grow stubble and learn to burp an Imperial joke…) I’ll give you some given the titles like epic Fail and at least manage to make the ‘drink every night plays, and dinners? Might I suggest new student... sigh. I’m not a bitter and scarred old young overused orifice. Okay... Deep breath... in public. Variation is good for your advice about how to survive this ter- over 9000 more hints within his arti- with your new friends!’ quota for that those producing written material Here’s a few tips. First, stop patron- killjoy, I’m happy to be here. But boy, In case you haven’t gathered, this soul, or so we’ve been told. You do find rible experience of being surrounded cles, he has clearly crawled from the Freshers’ week the first time round, for Freshers stop drawing on the same ising Freshers. Sure, we need help in am I glad I got through Freshers’ Week required is being written in response to our the occasional specimen who is just a by desperate men. If you want to ex- dark side of the Internet. when my liver was a healthy 18 years- boring cliches? Yes, I get it... Freshers getting integrated with Imperial, but again. Now my university life can actu- ‘amusement’ stimulated by a certain wanker, but if you actually take a good perience real sexual harassment – go Anyway, what I was meaning to get old and I was as fresh-faced and shiny- can’t cook, wash laundry, or even wash stop writing all the old cliches. Not all ally begin. cliché-ridden article in last week’s fe- look at the men making these jokes and get a job on a building site/oil rig, to, is that he is what is known as a eyed as I was ever likely to get. I like a lix (we had to force ourselves to finish they’re not being offensive (in some or as a fire-fighter, or even in a bank! troll… and an obvious, though success- social drink. the bloody thing to write about it in its cases it may actually be an attempt at These are places where attitudes will ful, one at that. If you’re now thinking Actually, I love a social drink. But entirety). flirting... the odds are good and all that not change no matter how many let- of a large fat creature that has more hangovers, beer goggles and unwise Now we’ve read the article which has jazz). All these ‘feminine’ whingers ters you write and in which the women muscles than brains… or even worse encounters, the college human petri obviously caused such great offence are doing is showing our male peers who work are the ones really making a some messed-up warped WoW ver- I admired dish, or, at the worst, heartfelt drunken (you know... balanced opinion etcetera that we can’t take a joke. Well we can. difference to womens’ rights. The only sion of this mythical creature I should vomiting, do not a happy introduc- etcetera), and ended up feeling quite Enough is enough. We are “making our way in which you get some respect is explain in a bit more detail. Everything efforts to secure tion to university make, and I’ll haz- sorry for Haxz0rMcRandy_1 (if he voices heard”. through hard work, a good sense of that was stated in those articles was ard that I cannot be the only one who needs to repeatedly tell us about his Yes... the felix team often end up be- humour and looking all right in a skirt overdone and tailored specifically to vaguely famous woke up depressed and remorseful on conquests... it’s obvious he hasn’t had ing arrogant arseholes, but they are when you go for a drink after work. strike a nerve and trigger a reaction, “ my second day of university. This time one since his Freshers’ Week). As for a amusing arseholes... and that’s why we We will always live in a society where and doesn’t necessarily reflect the true entertainment round, things are also even more dif- certain ‘feminine’ article - firstly, there continue to read their articles week af- men and women don’t have equal opinion of the author, yet alone Impe- ficult, since I’m still busy enough try- has been a massive sense of humour ter week... term after term – somehow rights, this is because they are differ- rial as a whole. names ing to find my way around London failure on the author’s behalf and those out of the depths of their shit they do ent. Do yourself a favour and look at This is a common practice on the Net and the area where I live- like almost who so needlessly showed support to manage to make us laugh. The male the real inequality and injustice in the and is referred to as trolling…those every other postgrad in private hous- their article by allowing their names to humour at our institution is one of my world and don’t harp on about a group people who are naïve enough to take ing, usually just falling under an hour appear in association with it. Secondly, favourite things about this place. By of lads just having a joke. the comments seriously in turn have away from Imperial (or closer to two there are a number of things inherently the end of the summer I found myself “been trolled”, and hardly deserves a hours by night bus if you want to make wrong with their arguments. laughing to the “your mum” jokes my Yours “rallying of the silent majority”. ” the late events, and in a strange, prone- As if to alienate all the supposed tar- friends would have said... I actually LC (PG) That said, whether such articles and to-be-lost-in city? Difficult), and locate get readers, the article starts by sug- missed the blunt, crude, sexist, imma- trolls should necessarily be represented all the necessary rooms essential to my gesting that most women who come ture – especially the immature – com- in our student newspaper, or whether college life. to study at Imperial do so under the ments that they would have made. this is a form of humour that is best Most of us agreed that Freshers’ influence of some strange penis envy. To the authoress: I strongly recom- kept to the forums it belongs to, is per- Week was centred , for the majority, In actual fact we’re confident that mend that you cease to read the comi- haps a question both the editor and the around undergraduates. And here’s most women at Imperial are happy be- cal sections of felix... the satire is obvi- author should consider carefully. the really irritating thing I had to face ing female ‘despite starting at a male- ously too much for your brain. again – Fresher’s Guilt. This is the dominated university’. In our year at In case you were wondering... Oppo- Yours distinctive Guilt that seeps in if you Imperial, we’ve never felt it necessary sites Attract. Lulzkiller *don’t* ‘go drinking every evening with Freshers enjoying themselves at this year’s Mingle to minimise or conceal our femininity. 10 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 11 Science [email protected] Science Science Editors – Daniel Burrows & Mićo Tatalović [email protected] Quarter of all species under threat of Podview: Science Graffiti: Mićo Tatalović Paranormal Podcasts extinction Science editor The Skeptics’ Guide Skepticality where street art Update to ‘Red List’ shows many mammals are still at risk but some progress has been made

he way a woman walk to the Universe This is the Erika Cule Marine Protected Areas, as well as conservation. could show if she has or- official Science Correspondent to share pictures, videos and stories The huge increase in endangered gasms or not. New re- This weekly, meets laboratory about them. The aim of this and other species in this update to the Red podcast search published in the hour-long pod- of Skeptic A quarter of all mammal species similar projects ultimately is to try and List shows is a warning call that Journal of Sexual Medi- cast is a humor- Magazine are at risk of disappearing forever, get people more aware and involved in cannot be ignored. cine claims that trained sexologists can ous and critical In the US the according to an update to the Red Ttell whether a woman is having vaginal look at current ‘skeptical move- List released last week by the Inter- orgasms induced by penetrative sex, controversies in ment’ is grow- national Union for Conservation simply by looking at the way she walks. pseudo-science ing like never before, largely due to a of Nature (IUCN) – the world’s A number of previous studies have and the par- popular backlash against the anti-sci- oldest and largest environmental determined that clitoral and vaginal anormal. Some of the items will make ence stance of the current administra- network which is responsible for orgasms are two separate physiologi- your collective jaws drop. Particularly tion and at the forefront of the trend the publication of the Red List of cal phenomena dependent on different enjoyable/worrying is news of PETA’s is the Skeptics Society magazine and Threatened Species. nervous pathways. Vaginal orgasms ‘evidence’ of a link between cows’ milk its sister podcast, Skepticality. With This new update to the Red List, have been shown to benefit women’s and autism. Luckily for us, they have a fans such as Apple CEO Steve Jobs, published at the World Conserva- health: penile stimulation of the vagus solution: lobby Ben & Jerry’s to replace and a growing audience of converts tion Congress in Barcelona last nerve in the cervix is beneficial to car- cows’ milk in their ice cream with... wait both sides of the pond, one would ex- week, shows at least 1,141 of the diovascular health and also helps other for it... human breast milk! I checked: pect some hard-hitting broadcasting, listed 5,487 mammal species have physiological processes such as coping not an April fool special. Also excellent, but sadly the programme too often threatened populations in the wild. Bad news for Asian fishing cat : vulnerable to endangered with stress. Women with more vagi- an interview with Matthew Chapman, slips into navel-gazing verging on ar- Potentially the situation could be nal orgasms also have better relation- Darwin’s great great-grandson. Despite rogance. That said, once past the labo- far worse as 836 species of mam- ship quality. The new study looked at ending up in the movie business, he is rious preamble we get to hear a lively mals are classed as data deficient, While this may paint a very bleak the Ivory Trade. Due to well-planned 16 Belgian women, half of whom had active in the creation-evolution debate panel discussion (at, of all places, a sci- as their populations are unknown. future for mammals there was some conservation measures in recent years, vaginal orgasms and half of whom did in the US and is currently petitioning fi convention) from some of the move- Julia Marton-Lefèvre, the ICUN good news which came out of the data, 40 species of mammals showed signs not. These women were filmed walking the presidential candidates to debate ment’s biggest names, including ‘The Director General said, “Within our such as that regarding the African Ele- of recovery, giving hope that a mass down the street and trained sexologists on science issues. We wish him luck. Amazing’ James Randi , on the future lifetime, hundreds of species could phant which has been reclassified from extinction crisis can be avoided. then looked at videos to determine Although a bit long, this podcast will of scepticism. The mood was optimis- Danger! Do not stare into the laser Vacuums are nothings. We only be lost as a result of our own ac- Vulnerable to Near Threatened. This Several new initiatives have also whether a woman was orgasmic or not, keep you awake on your underground tic in a smug, back-slapping kind of with remaining eye! mention them to let them know tions, a frightening sign of what reflects the increasing populations in been launched during the congress, based on her walk. They were able to journey and provide you with intellec- way; odd when the next Vice-President we know they are there. is happening to the ecosystems southern and eastern Africa after their including a project by Google allowing good news for the african elephant: reclassified from vulnerable to do so correctly in 81% of the cases. The tual ammunition for moron-baiting. could be a woman who believes dino- The lab called, your brain is ready. where they live.” population crash in the 1980’s due to Google Earth users to view the world’s near threatened authors say that an observer may tell www.theskepticsguide.org saurs and humans were around at the Earthquake predictors are fault if a woman has orgasms by looking at same time. Crop circles are the work of cereal finders. her gait “that comprises fluidity, ener- www.skepticality.com killers. gy, sensuality, freedom and absence of Skeptoid Chemistry Professor on the line: flaccid and locked muscles”. Apparent- Point of Inquiry Forty isn’t old if you’re a tree. “Yes, Dr Gustav Plant . . . ‘p’ ly, the orgasmic women have “greater This 10-minute for phthalimide, ‘l’ for lithium, pelvic and vertebral rotation and stride weekly podcast Life is sexually transmitted. ‘a’ for acetaldehyde, ‘n’ for ni- length” and the muscle blocks may be aims to, accord- Be warned: this trochlorobenzene and ‘t‘ for responsible for impairment of some ing to its web- podcast is not Never be spontaneous . . . you triethylamine.” women’s sexual potential. site, “blast away for the faint of might combust. From an evolutionary point of view, the widespread heart. A lengthy I got an ‘A’ in Science. Stupid – if one could tell by walk alone if woman pseudo-scienc- conversation Old chemists never die, they sim- there is no ‘A’ in science. has orgasms and if this is related to her es that infect between the ply fail to react. health and therefore physical fitness, popular culture one topic at a time.” presenter D.J. On an empty disk you can seek one would expect men to have evolved This week, Brian Dunning looks at the Grothe (of the cultish-sounding ‘Cen- Half the people you know are be- forever. ways of seeing this. It might be interest- evidence for so-called ‘scalar weap- tre for Inquiry’) and guest Michael low average. ing to see if any man, not just trained ons’, sometimes attributed to Serbo- Lackey on ‘black liberation atheism’ Geography is spreading all over sexologists, could guess this. Even men Croatian genius Nikola Tesla. Dunning – when black intellectuals decided to Support bacteria. They’re the only the world. Stamp out geography! in a relationship pay attention to sin- brings us up to date with the latest renounce Christianity as a force for culture some people have. gle, attractive women. In fact, meeting ‘evidence’ from scalar proponents and repression. I started off intrigued and Handy Guide to the Modern Sci- a single woman leads men to view their then gradually debunks their ideas one ended up swamped in a confusing bog Yesterday I couldn’t spell engineer, ences: 1. If it’s green and moves, own partners in a more negative light by one, including the notion that Tesla of postmodernist jargon (science is a now I is one. it’s Biology. 2. If it’s yellow and then they do, reports a study published (who invented the alternating current “fiction” constructed by humans, the stinks, it’s Chemistry. 3. If it in Journal of Personality and Social motor) had anything to do with scalar concept of truth is just an illusion... I OK, so what’s the speed of doesn’t work, it’s Physics. Psychology. The study tested 71 men, weapons. He also explores the ten- could go on). Worth a listen, if only for darkness? half of which were introduced to a sin- dency of conspiracy theorists to hitch Grothe accusing all postmodernists of How do you tell when you’re out gle, attractive woman who flirted with their ideas onto genuine science – such “intellectual masturbation.” A vibration is a motion that can- of invisible ink? them, other half with a woman who as scalar field theory – and use jargon www.pointofinquiry.org not make up its mind which way it ignored them. After this experience and pseudoscientific mumbo-jumbo wants to go. Source: www.professorbunsen.com.au they were asked if they would forgive to pass off science fiction as fact. their partner if she cancelled a date, or www.skeptoid.com gossiped about their private lives. Men who had another woman flirting with them were 12% less forgiving. Pre- Newton and Copernicus by J. C. Olson printed with permission from: sumably the experience of a complete stranger flirting with them led them to http://www.newtonandcopernicus.com/ believe they were too cool to be messed around. Maybe it increased their self- perceived mate value. Interestingly, for women, the trend was opposite: af- ter meeting an attractive, single man, they were 17% more likely to forgive their partners and so were working to strengthen their current relationship. 12 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 13 Politics [email protected] Politics Politics Editors – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] The Kurdish Quest for Nationhood Raz Jabary

“We’re not going to win this At the end of the nineteenth century we saw the first recorded rise of Kurd- ish nationalism, when an insurrection was led under Sheikh Ubeydullah with the demand of the creation of a sepa- war,” claims Commander rate state for the Kurds in the Ottoman UK Commander in Afghanistan, Mark Carleton-Smith, voices concern over the Empire. It was in 1923, with the ratifi- cation of the Treaty of Lausanne that direction of the war and advocates diplomacy. broadly outlined the borders of mod- Katya-yani Vyas ern Turkey, that Kurdistan became Politics Editor divided into four pieces in the newly created states of Iran, Iraq, Syria and ood morning/afternoon/ Turkey. Many fail to understand that evening! I hope that you it was this random carving up of land have settled into the new that separated Kurdish family trees, term well. It will not be placed the Kurds under various tyr- long before your subject annies that would rule over them for consumes every morsel of spare time decades and has been the root for the Gyou have, and in Imperial’s typical continued Kurdish struggle today for soul-destroying style, drains you of the nationhood. will to follow world politics or anything Recent clashes between guerrillas of else for that matter. the Kurdistan Worker’s Party (PKK) Fear not though, myself and James and the Turkish military near the are here to help, and indeed feel free to Kurdish town of Semdini left at least alleviate the science-induced headache 38 dead and dozens wounded, accord- that you may be experiencing by con- ing to official Turkish military sources. tributing to this section. The event made international news This week I have been treated to de- headlines. The fundamentals behind risive looks when mentioning politics, this conflict involve an armed strug- apparently it is, well, for want of a less gle that was launched in 1984 with the blunt expression, just plain boring. aim of creating an independent Kurd- Is that true? Im sure it isn’t, in fact to ish state in what is today southeastern prove the entertainment credentials of Turkey. The Worker’s Party has always the politics section I have undertaken claimed that they did not initiate the it as my mission to find the most bi- fight, but that it was a direct response zarre story in politics that I could. bi- to the subjugation of Kurds in Turkey, zarre equates to interesting, doesn’t it? their attempted assimilation and the Of course it does. lack of possibility for Kurds to get in- Trawling through internet sites in volved on the diplomatic stage in or- the small hours of the morning seemed der to be heard. For example, Kurdish to be more conducive than attempting towns and villages had been renamed to play charades with my desk lamp. to erase their Kurdish identity, the However I did eventually come across Kurdish language had been forbid- a plethora of ridiculousness. den to be spoken in public, Kurdish Kurds are fighting for sovereignty over the kurdish-inhabited area. At a time when politicians are des- movements (be they political, cultural perately trying to coax the percentage or economic) had been banned and of the population that does not vote Kurdish media outlets had not been al- sides a couple of weeks ago, the Turk- American War of Independence, the Holding a substantial number of seats liance between the West (particularly into supporting them, one woman in lowed to operate. Until as recently as ish president and prime minister, both same as those deployed by the Kurdis- in the Iraqi Parliament and with close the U.S.A.) and Turkey in comparison Newmarket (near Cambridge) was so 1991 the Kurds were not recognized by from the ruling AK Party, promised tan Democratic Party (KDP) and the ties with the West, the Kurds in Iraq to the formerly futile relationship be- keen that she succeeded in registering the Turkish government as a distinct to step up the military effort in bat- Patriotic Union of Kurdistan (PUK) are closer to Kurdish nationhood than tween Iraq and the West, and the use of two of her cows and her dog to vote. ethnic people, but were rather referred tling the Worker’s Party. Turkey (itself in their fight against the brutality of the Kurds in Turkey. The greater suc- Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass de- Registering them under the names of to as “mountain Turks”, for they usually a NATO member), NATO, the ma- Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq. The cesses achieved by the Kurds in Iraq, struction, which were deployed against “Henry and Sophie Bull” and “John live in the higher plateaus. The conflict jority of European countries and the latter three examples of armed strug- in their realization of political aims, the Kurds in the late 1980s, also served Woofies”, she was able to make the ap- Military tactics may soon give way to diplomacy as top UK officials call for change. turned into a human crisis in the early U.S.A. consider the Worker’s Party to gle are nowadays looked back upon as in comparison to the Kurds in Turkey to increase nationalist consciousness plication appear to be legitimate. She 1990s when between 3,500 and 4,000 be a “terrorist organization”. However, struggles of liberation rather than the can be explained by the fact that the among the Kurds in Iraq. has now been fined £189 by the coun- Kurdish villages were destroyed by the targeting mainly military and strate- use of terror against a superior force. former were exposed to the subjuga- Although Kurdish Independence cil, with one official describing the sit- James Goldsack by negotiation rather than violence. strategy was “destined to fail” and the general in Afghanistan has welcomed Turkish military (often being burned to gic targets, the Worker’s Party has in- Unlike the Kurds in Turkey, the tion of their political ideals, whereas movements in Iran have similarly been uation as a “real Cock and Bull story.” Politics Editor Carleton-Smith stating “If the Taliban presence of foreign troops was “part various attempts to bring this short- the ground) and around three million sisted on its legislative background as Kurds in Iraq have their own interna- the latter were furthermore disposed oppressed as in Turkey, Iraq and Syria, Oh what larks! were prepared to sit on the other side of the problem, not the solution.” The fall to light. In the recent Presidential Kurds were displaced to geographical a counter force to what they see as “the tionally recognized semi-independent of their Kurdish identity. The use of the Kurds in Iran have experienced In other news Canada’s Absolutely The commander of UK troops in Af- of the table and talk about a political French foreign ministry said the news- Debate, Obama strongly advocated the entities in western Turkey with the militarisation of Kurdish areas in Tur- state with its own regional government their language and cultural traditions lesser degrees of cultural cultivation. Absurd Party has reiterated its policies. ghanistan warned earlier this week that settlement, then that’s precisely the paper report did not “correspond at expansion of the efforts in Afghanistan attempt of cutting off supplies to the key”. Ironically, the Worker’s Party has (the Kurdistan Regional Government that consequently led to a lower feel- Likely because of their same Aryan These include lowering the legal voting the war against the Taliban will not be sort of progress that concludes insur- all with what we hear from our Brit- while scaling back the military in Iraq. Kurdish rebels. deployed the same tactics as the rebels or KRG), presidency, constitution, se- ing of distinct ethnic nationalism. background and their Indo-European age to 14, citing the tantalising reason- won. This comes at a time when Brit- gencies like this. That shouldn’t make ish counterparts in our discussions on Neither the US nor UK can afford After the clash between the two led by George Washington in the curity forces, flag and national anthem. However, factors like the strategic al- linguistic heritage with their Persian ing that; “a 14-year-old has never start- ain is already stepping up pressure for people uncomfortable.” Afghanistan.” Britain has denied that to fight in two wars at once; the strain neighbours. The Kurds in Iran were ed a war” as well as plans to streamline a political and diplomatic resolution to Abdul Rahim Wardak, Afghanistan’s it believes the military campaign is on the available resources is too great. even capable of establishing a short- the Department of Defence by replac- the conflict. defence minister, expressed disap- doomed to failure. Writing on his web- Many officials believe that the war in lived independent Kurdish state in 1946 ing it with a elite crack squad of rock/ Brigadier Mark Carleton-Smith said pointment at the comments. However, site, David Miliband, foreign secretary, Iraq was misguided not only legally but with the help of the Soviet Union. Oth- paper/scissors commandos. Gordon “We’re not going to win this war,” . Carleton-Smith’s warning has been described the report as “garbled” and also due to the effect it has had on the er modern short-lived Kurdish states/ Brown take note, playground politics is “It’s about reducing it to a manageable echoed by a senior defence source who insisted that Britain did not support a fight against insurgency in Afghani- kingdoms have been the Kingdom of most definitely the way forward. level of insurgency that’s not a strate- told The Guardian “the notion of win- Kabul dictatorship. stan, the main battleground against Kurdistan and the Republic of Ararat. So there you have it, I had fun, I hope gic threat and can be managed by the ning and losing the decisive battle does He wrote “The future of Afghanistan terrorism. What all on the ground be- Although these states were never of- you did. Perhaps the creation of satiri- Afghan army. We may well leave with not exist.” Carleton-Smith added that is not about appointed dictators or for- lieve is that if troops were pulled out of ficially recognized by the international cal parties will encourage politicians to there still being a low but steady ebb of all the Nato-led international military eign occupation, it is about building Iraq, a country in disarray, they could community, they clearly indicate the take themselves less seriously. rural insurgency.” force could do in Afghanistan was pro- Afghan capabilities with the confi- be put to much better use in Afghani- will of the Kurdish people to govern While we are on the subject of tak- Carleton-Smith, commander of 16th vide the “parameters of security.” dence of the Afghan people.” stan to speed up the transition to com- themselves in order to prevent na- ing ourselves too seriously and for that Air Assault Brigade, has just complet- These deepening concerns reflect A Foreign Office official was reported plete Afghan control of the country. tional suffrage by external rulers. The matter, bizarre stories, this week it was ed a six-month mission in southern what British defence chiefs are say- to have described the claim that Cow- Aid agencies say the Taliban and as- Kurdish question in the Middle East, brought to our attention that a fierce Afghanistan during which 32 of his ing privately. The conflict with the per-Coles advocated a dictatorship in sociated groups are controlling more seemingly more complicated than the anti-felix campaign has been launched soldiers were killed and 170 injured. Taliban has reached a “stalemate” they Kabul as “utter nonsense” and that the territory and it is increasingly difficult well-known plight of the Palestinians, by some members of the student body. Carleon-Smith remarked that his forc- say. There is also increased frustration comments that have been attributed to to provide the population with their remains to this day to be a disputed The catalyst to their remonstrations es had “taken the sting out of the Tali- with the weakness and corruption of him are a distortion of what was said. humanitarian needs, let alone physical issue which has haunted the lives of happens to be the hangman article, en- ban for 2008”. However, he warned that President Hamid Karzai’s government British officials are exasperated with security. The increase in power of the many ethnic Kurds. This has resulted titled “Dont Do Badly Dressed Girls”. the public should not expect “a decisive in Kabul. the Karzai administration, the slow Taliban and the unknown whereabouts in the expulsion of many of them to the Opinion is welcomed at felix but there military victory” so it is necessary to The French weekly Le Canard En- build up of a national army and cor- of Bin Laden give more reasons to in- West, particularly Western-Europe, are much more constructive ways to “lower our expectations” and accept it chaîné reported that Sherard Cowper- ruption in the Afghan police force. crease the coalition’s power. where their inalienable rights, their get involved in student politics. as unrealistic that multinational forces Coles, UK ambassador to Kabul, told Violence in Afghanistan has risen After months of indecision and at- basic four freedoms of expression, as- I shall be reverting back to more se- can rid the country of armed militias. a French official that foreign troops to its worst level since 2001, when the tacking western diplomats and military sembly, association and the media are rious subject matter next time but for The aim should be not to engage added to Afghanistan’s problems. Re- US led coalition overthrew the Tali- officials for approaching Taliban forces respected and where they continue to the moment I am off to hone my rock, in an endless military assault but to portedly, Cowper-Coles said the coun- ban. However, since the invasion of to attempt a resolution, Karzai said last constitute a major lobbying force in fa- paper, scissors technique in time for change the nature of the debate in Af- try might best be “governed by an ac- Iraq, Afghanistan has been left short of week he had asked the king of Saudi vour of granting the Kurds self-govern- the next elections. ghanistan so that disputes were settled ceptable dictator”, that the American troops and low on resources. The UK Arabia to mediate in negotiations. Turkish military defending their territory. ment in their countries of origin. 14 felix Friday 17 October 2007 Politics Politics Editor – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] US Election fact-file t is seeming increasingly inevi- Some poll table that the next President of the United States of America statistics: will be Barack Obama. The Illinois Senator is ahead by between 4 and 14 points in every “Who’s most pre- pollI released in the last few days. pared to lead?” - The popularity of McCain has de- creased since the introduction of his McCain with a 3 to 8 running mate, “pitbull” Palin and the point advantage. worsening of the financial crisis. Despite the Obama campaign pull- ing ahead, it is not all over yet; elec- tion day is November 4th. McCain will “Who’s the have to produce a miracle to get back stronger leader?” - in contention. McCain is progressively using dirtier Obama with a +14 tactics as he feels the presidency slip- advantage. ping away. Obama is ahead in many re- cent polls geared towards presidential qualities. These results are horrifying “Who would better for McCain who has based his cam- paign around attempts to undermine handle an unexpect- Obama’s character. If McCain is to have any chance of victory in today’s ed major crisis?”- anti-Republican climate, he must por- Obama with a +3 tray himself as the one “ready to lead”. Generally speaking, there are three advantage. ways to do this. First, he can make him- self look more presidential; second, he can make Obama look less so; third, he “Who has bet- can employ a combination of the two. ter judgement?”- As the situation stands, however, Mccain’s chances seem to be diminish- Obama with a +7 ing, to pull of victory from his current position would be nothing short of advantage. miraculous. 16 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Business Business Editor – Luke Dhanoa [email protected] Confused about the credit crunch? Want to know what the credit crunch is about, but can’t find a banker to explain it to you in plain English?

Luke Dhanoa Business Editor The 90’s and the subprime 2003 and the invisible WMD’s prices skyrocketed, food got pricier. brothel. smorgasboard. This made things even harder for the In November, Mervyn King, gov- Nowadays everything seems to relate people who were just about keeping up ernor of the Bank of England warned to the credit crunch. Can’t get a job? with their loans. that growth in the UK economy would Credit crunch. Food costs too much? For financial folks the 90’s got off to a The mortgage and credit lenders sud- slow down and inflation would rise. He Credit crunch. Your dealer went bust? rocky start. 1990 was a recession year denly had a new problem: the changes in wasn’t bullshitting. Credit Crunch. Your girlfriend just (that means that the value of the econ- the economy meant that they couldn’t left your broke ass? Credit Crunch. omy shrank for more than six months) keep making a profit with their old It’s raining outside? Credit Crunch. and interest rates (the percentage you business model. Because house prices 2008 Everyone blames the credit crunch have to pay back on loans) were high. were falling, they couldn’t make prof- for just about anything, but not every- But eventually things got better, hell its on dud mortgages like they used to. one seems to understand exactly what - things got better than better, things So they tightened up lending practices In January, Bear Stearns chief James they’re talking about. Credit Crunch got great: the markets grew (in the US and they sold off subprime debt to in- Cayne steped down as the bank re- is just a media buzz-phrase that de- and UK) like nothing anyone had ever vestment banks, pension funds, hedge vealed huge losses and the stock mar- scribes part of the economic situation seen, there were new financial tools for It’s time to kick ass and chew funds, and whoever else was buying, kets tumbled. In March, Bear Stearns we’re in. We use the phrase because trading, interest rates were low, prop- gum. And I’m all out of gum. knowing it was worthless. got bought out by JP Morgan (with it’s easy to understand (and it rolls off erty prices were on the increase, things How do you sell debt? Well that’s some help from the NY Federal Re- the tongue nicely) but if we’re actually were going alright. By the time New easy. Let’s say you owe me a fiver and serve) for next to nothing. People start going to understand how the crisis be- Labour had settled in the economy was Let’s skip forward past 9/11 and into you’re going to pay me back in a week. to panic. gan, we need to look deeper into the in good shape, so everyone did what 2003. Around about then we’d recov- I then tell a bank that if they give me Banker bosses started to get fired all whole thing and consider the events everyone always does when times are ered from the 2001 CDO collapse and four pounds now, I’ll give them the over the shop and heads started roll- that started this whole crapshoot. Now sweet – they got careless. So careless the big thing we’re all thinking about is fiver that you owe me in a week. That ing left right and centre. In May the believe it or not, this current crisis that they started handing out subprime the Iraq War. Some people were con- way, I’ve sold the debt. market started looking like a massacre, has been looming for decades, possi- loans to people without thinking about cerned that global population growth but none of us noticed because we had bly even centuries (seriously) but this the consequences. What’s subprime was increasing the price of food, other exams. In August, UK repossessions particular timeline is only going to the you ask? Give that secondary article a people are pointing out that the emerg- 2007 rose by 40 per cent because people jsut 90’s, because that’s less boring. read. and come back. ing economies’ thirst for resources couldn’t pay back their mortgages. could be a problem, but they are ulti- In September all hell broke loose and mately ignored because there was a war One fine day in 2007 the investors Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. on and war’s more fun to talk about. It woke up and found out that the “as- The US Government rescued Fannie was here that the cost of living started sets” (something that makes money for Mae and Freddie Mac while we all get to rise but we didn’t notice it. Oil cost you) they’d bought off the mortgage ready for term. Then, as though they between $20 and $40 a barrel. lenders were worthless. Totally worth- knew it was coming all along every- less. In January, HSBC fired its top one started blaming everything on the US chiefs while the sub-prime debts “credit crunch”. 2004 to 2006 mushroomed. None of us noticed. So next time someone blames expen- In May, UBS had to close its high- sive food on the crunch, tell ‘em to shut profile hedge fund, Dillon Reed Capi- up. Food is expensive because there’s It was about this point here that tal Management and some of us real- too many people eating worldwide and things started to kick off. Some of the ised what was going down. In July, Ben we’re in a supply-led recession. people who had easy credit in the past Bernanke (Chairman of the Board of started having trouble paying back Governors of the United States Federal loans and the banks start coming down Reserve) said that the sub-prime crisis on them. Think back and you might could cost $100 billion, and promised remember that it was about now that to tackle abusive lending. He failed. All the TV became littered with adverts of a sudden people were too scared to for debt consolidation (if you think invest. The big banks started to inject even harder you’ll recall that the banks capital (money and assets) into hedge started charging extortionate amounts funds to keep them going, but it was no for overdue letters around about this good. The credit had crunched. time, so once you got into debt, they In September people who banked made sure to screw you extra hard). with Northern Rock rushed to take The American housing market started their money out (remember that?). The to struggle but the UK housing market investment banks were making huge Remember these boys? Remember Take That? Remember Nirvana? kept growing like “the blob” on crack. losses and bad mojo spread through Well if you do that means you should probably remember the 90’s Steel started getting expensive, oil the economy like crabs through a Starving Kids be eating your food

What are subprime mortgages and why were they given out to people?

ubprimes are actually fairly for a mortgage they buy the house (be- make a profit. Since your objective is to people loans to spend on whatever will end up bankrupt, enough will pay complicated, y’know pro- coming the owner) and then pay you make a profit, you give mortgages out they want. When you consider giving you back to come out ahead (assuming vided you go by the wiki. back the money in small instalments. to people who cant pay back, for cheap. someone a loan you put them into one the wider economy stays the way it is). But for the sake of clarity the For the convenience of being able to The 90’s rock don’t they? of three groups: So you (the 90’s banker) lend money subprimes in this case are borrow cash off you, they have to pay to people who you know will probably just loans that went out to non prime back more than they borrowed (inter- A) People who can definitely pay you have financial difficulty later, because candiates.S Hence the “sub” “prime” bit. est). If they manage to pay you back back, you can still make a profit. God bless While this isn’t technically super ac- on time, everything is fine: You make B) People who can maybe pay you the 90’s. curate, it’s a good starting place and a profit, the person gets a house. But back, What you’ve just read is a massive I’m sticking to it. And in case you’re if the person can’t pay back their loan, C) People who can’t pay you back. oversimplification of what happened. wondering why loans were given out to things get interesting; you (the bank) Hell, I’m pretty sure that a bunch of people who weren’t prime candidates, can take their house as payment for Obviously, you always lend to Group people are going to try and come kill I’m just about to explain it. the loan (repossession) and then sell it A, and never lend to Group C. But me for missing out on so many de- Let’s say you’re a ‘90’s mortgage lend- off to whoever wants it. If you can sell what about the “maybes” in Group B? tails and oversimplifying things. It’s er and people come to you asking for the house off for more than the person Some can pay you back, some can’t, also possible that you might think that loans to buy houses. Your first instinct owes, then you make a profit. Since it’s but you have no way of knowing who something scandalous happened here, would be to make sure that people can the late 90’s and house prices are rising Ash. Another example of 90’s can and who cant. So you hire a stat- but on balance, lax lending in the UK pay back the loans you give out, right? like mad, you stand a chance of mak- rocking. istician and tell him to work out how helped lots of people live better lives. That’s just common sense, right? ing a profit on repossessed houses. For many “maybes” you can give loans to, Cheap credit got millions on the prop- Wrong. you, this is the best thing since sliced and still make a profit. He works out erty ladder and got countless others People are coming to you to buy bread because you can lend money to But wait there’s more! Let’s say that that you can give loans to most of the through education. It really was a good houses. Once you lend them the money people who can’t pay you back and still you’re a credit card company: You give “maybes” and even though lots of them thing at the time. Honest. 18 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 19 Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts

22Cittie High Holborn, of Holborn, Yorke London, WC1V 6BN Tube: Chancery Lane The Great Culture Crawl The site of a pub since the 15th century, the Gray’s Inn Coffee Shop was built here in 1695. Coffee was in- Historic Pubs troduced to Britain in the mid 17th century and became the fashionable drink. Many coffee shops were the offshoots of taverns (sound familiar?). They sprang up all over London and sold beer and wine too. The Coffee Shop was set back from the road, with a garden at the front. This was built upon and after vari- ous incarnations and expansions the whole site was redeveloped in the 1920’s. What we have today is three distinct bar areas behind a ‘Tudor’ façade. The front bar is panelled, dark and comfortable. The cellar bar forms the brick foundations of a much older building. The bar to the rear is both fascinating and unique. In a great church-like hall, under a high pitched roof, a long bar counter sits below large oak vats. These are dwarfed by massive wine vats near the entrance, said to hold 1000 gallons each. On the opposite wall is a series of small cubicles, like confessionals, where it’s easy to imagine lawyers in confidential conversation with their clients. Another unique feature is an ingenious triangular stove (c.1815) which stands in the centre of the bar. It has no visible chimney, the smoke is ducted away below the floor. Some of the fabric of the pub is older than its rebuild date and it’s thought that much of it was recycled from its predecessor. It is certainly one of London’s most extraordinary and unique pubs. The Dove 19 Upper Mall, Hammersmith, London, W6 9TA Tube: Hammersmith

This pretty little 17th Century riverside pub has everything; unspoilt surroundings, good food and ex- cellent beer, which must explain why it gets so busy. The Dove's popularity is nothing new. It boasts a 194Old Fleet Street, Bank Holborn, of London, England EC4A 2LT long list of celebrity customers including Graham Greene, Ernest Hemingway and A.P. Herbert, whose Tube: Chancery Lane novel The Water Gypsies features a pub called the 'Pigeon', nee the Dove. William Morris lived next door. James Thomson, who wrote Rule Britannia, lodged and is said to It may be a bit of a cheek to include this as a traditional pub, because it has only have died here. Less certain is the claim that Charles II and Nell Gwynne had secret rendezvous here. been one since 1995. This impressive Grade I listed building was erected in 1888 as Another claim to fame is in the Guinness Book Of Records for the smallest bar in Britain, a cosy 4 ft. the Law Courts Branch of the Bank of England and designed in the Italianate style, 2ins by 7ft. 10ins.(1.27m x 2.39m). which was popular at the time. Ironically, an historic pub, the Cock, was moved The saloon bar has a low ceiling with dark oak beams and is simply furnished. An open fire takes off across Fleet Street to make way for the new bank. the chill in winter. A small flight of steps leads to the dining area at the rear, which has ample seating. The interior is solid and sturdy, just what you’d expect of a bank. Fuller’s Brew- Double doors lead out into a conservatory which houses an old vine. The riverside terrace beyond is a ery has spent a small fortune restoring and decorating this fine building, and has favourite viewpoint for the University Boat race. commissioned new paintings and murals. Large columns rise up to the high ornate plaster ceiling. From this hangs three very large brass chandeliers. The central bar structure almost reaches the ceiling and is so tall, a ladder has been provided to reach the top shelf. Gold and black curtains frame the huge win- dows and paint effect decorate the walls. The overall feel is rich and opulent. For a good view there is a gallery with limited seating. This is a very popular pub and is often packed at lunchtimes and early evenings. Bar food is available and there is a restaurant through the door marked ‘Club Room’.

Coal Hole 91 Strand, London, WC2R 0DW Tube: Charing Cross

The Coal Hole occupies a corner of the Savoy Building, designed by Thomas Collcutt. The theme of stone, 145Ye Fleet Olde St., City of London,Cheshire EC4A 2BU Cheese dark wood and leaded light windows, carries on into the street level bar. The ceiling is very high with heavy Tube: Blackfriars black beams. Hanging banners suggest something medieval, but no, it was decorated in 1904. Under the mock beams is a beautiful marble frieze of wistful maidens picking vines. This is one of the few pubs in London that can justify the ‘Ye Olde’ in its name, well known in the 17th century and rebuilt after the Beside the bar, in a corner, is a magnificent fireplace, heavily decorated with reliefs of vines. New lighting Great Fire of 1666. Its earliest incarnations hark back to a 13th century Carmelite Monastery – the pub’s cellars are thought to belong has brought to life the pubs wonderful features. The gallery, converted from an office, is a good vantage point to that same building. from which to view the friezes. The rare art nouveau décor was a brief interlude between the brashness of the The experience begins before you even get to the pub, as you approach through a narrow alleyway. By the entrance, a board lists late Victorian gin palaces and mega-pubs, and a new sentimental movement which was to favour the fake “ye the reigns of the 15 monarchs through which this grand old pub has survived. The dark wooden interior is an enchanting warren of olde inn”, harking back to more wholesome times. narrow corridors and staircases, leading to numerous bars and dining rooms, so many that even regulars get confused. The cellar bar is open in the evenings and has its own entrance in the Strand. It was in the basement of the A portrait of one of the Cheese’s most famous patrons, Dr. Samuel Johnson (who wrote the first dictionary) hangs on a far wall, and pub’s former incarnation that the Wolf Club was founded, by actor and lush Edmund Kean. Supposedly a his chair set upon a shelf. A copy of Johnson’s dictionary should be nearby, and his house is just around the corner. place where hen-pecked husbands could enjoy a sing-song, its real role was less innocent, and involved heavy In the main stairwell, increasingly narrow steps lead up to a couple of atmospheric dining rooms and private quarters. Unfortunately drinking and loose women. these rooms are often closed, a shame as augment the eccentric and rambling nature of this grand old building. Negotiating the narrow and awkward steps down to the cellar bars is rewarded with the discovery of the vaults, a fascinating series of tiny, honey coloured stone rooms. These vaults were part of the original guesthouse’s chapel. The steps continue into the cellar proper, where a further bar and dining area can be found. Volumes of visitors’ books were kept and signatories include ambassadors, Prime Ministers and royalty. Unfortunately these records began after the likes of Dr. Johnson, James Boswell, Voltaire, Thackeray and of course Charles Dickens (originally a Fleet St. journalist) Information provided by: drank here. One famous resident was a parrot whose mimicry entertained customers for 40 years; its death was announced on the BBC and obituaries appeared in newspapers all over the world. www.pubs.com Each generation that passes through the Cheese adds to its rich history. 20 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 21 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us The Arts [email protected] A different sort of Credit Crunch Chris Hong finds irony and welcome relief in the Donmar Warehouse’s latest production of Creditors

he irony of staging Strind- with the husband, Adolf, who is suffer- Atheism is so hot right now berg’s Creditors during the ing from a debilitating illness in a sea- current financial troubles side resort hotel lounge. The director, affecting the world will Alan Rickman, managed to sustain the David Paw thinks Francis Bacon would clean up at Sotheby’s. If he were still alive. surely enhance the image momentum of threat and anticipation of debt collectors hanging over you of menace. This compensated for the I first watched the film Event Horizon pearing and being picked off one by tion of young artists do not appreciate tion of the crucifixion is especially Twhile you sleep. This is certainly one of drop in pace during some parts of the when I was 12 years old, a watershed one in an increasingly macabre fashion the fuss, and another generation of bloody. The event is treated brutally the image Strindberg constructed for play where the tension between the age between an indiscriminate state of was engrossing in itself. But the op- secondary school art teachers lament and unsentimentally. Never the shrink- an ex-husband overshadowing a mar- characters slackened. Tom Burke as Caz Knight terror when subjected to horror films pressive air of foreboding and claustro- yet another screaming figure, face ing violet, the artist boldly states that riage. Strindberg does in fact go fur- Adolf was soulful in his confession of of dubious production value, and the phobia the film generated was intoxi- distorted and/or agonised, that could Christ is little more than a bloodied ther in the examination of marriages love for his wife whilst being a man Arts Editor age where one learns about things like cating, and as the crew traced their last have been copied wholesale from the and imperfect pile of flesh. in David Greig’s compact, cut down tortured with physical disability. Anna animatronics and bad CGI. An age steps before being ‘offed’, you felt like artist’s oeuvre. Despite the exhibition’s abundance version of Creditors. Anxiously await- Chancellor’s Tekla was playful and se- 990 gave birth to a new breed in which one simply ought to know their living shadow. The way it pulled Bacon is one of a breed of contro- and flair for the type of existentialist ing the return of his new wife, Adolph ductive and a great illustration as to of Imperial fresher it seems. better. you through a wormhole violently into versial artists that has dominated the rage that one typically identifies Ba- draws comfort from the words of a what brought on the insecurities about My first foray to the union My elder brother and I would sit and a landscape of pitiless terror without a landscape of the art world for the past con’s work with, unexpected treasure stranger. But this turns to destruction men in her life. Owen Teale played the this academic year 2008/9 sit through hours of torrid crap on the ripple was uncanny. century. This is because controversy arrives in the form of Bacon’s portraits as old wounds are opened, insecuri- ex-husband Gustav with subtle quiet- and I am met by a not-al- tube – enjoying most of it – and en- I felt the same violent pull when I creates great PR buzz. And you can’t of his former lover, George Dyer, who ties are laid bare and former debts are ness which exploded gloriously into together-ugly group of freshly baked gage with all manner of material on attended the opening of Tate Britain’s sell anything without that. Variously unceremoniously killed himself two settled. The play offers abundant in- terror for the couple. The beautiful students,1 dangerously close to look- Sky Movies. Jason Voorhees sequels, Francis Bacon retrospective the other called indulgent, decadent, vulgar and days before a pivotal gallery opening at sights into relationships and marriage. set of white wash walls and furniture ing trendy and even sporting a few B-movies, faux-indie Hollywood dross day. The stillness of the gallery was a scornful, Bacon’s worldview was one of the Grand Palais in Paris in 1971. The It deals with how opinions of couples gave an air of deliberate cover up of the items of noteworthy apparel. What has – we watched it all. One night, taking body of water that belied a Godless the most interesting aspects of his life archive portraits of close friends and diverge or converge, implications for past, adding to the cynicism and isola- wrought this shattering of the previ- our places in front of the TV for what violence and brutality that was visible and was one that added immensely to lovers are also unexpectedly tender. future relationships after divorce and tion conveyed by the dripping sound of ous Imperial prototype of the socially had now become a ritual, we settled to anyone who cared to slip beneath its an audience’s perception of his work. Importantly, we also learn that de- insights which seem obvious, only be- water which surrounds the stage. This doomed geek? I have also witnessed a down for our evening movie fix. exterior. PRs clacked around in cum- An atheist who made the symbolism spite Bacon’s devil-may-care attitude coming clear when spoken of. beautifully lit production is not per- surge in the number of people express- I have to admit, even as a preteen oik, bersome heels and journalists pointed of faith his own, Bacon looked at the to painting and his love of spontaneity, The success of the production de- fect, but during the persisting financial ing a desire to review plays, inspect art the prospect of a bunch of astronauts and squinted. In another room, the ex- world with unflinching, unromanti- his work actually benefited from pre- pends on the portrayal of the manipu- uncertainty, to be reminded of a differ- galleries and even try their hands at stuck on a spaceship together for two hibition curator took questions loudly. cised eyes. Humanity was only one in paratory studies and drawings much lation and threat by the ex-husband ent kind of creditors may be a welcome some rhetoric. (Hitherto, all of them hours wasn’t the most enticing offer An usher yawned, glad for a change of a menagerie of Godless creatures, ripe like any other traditional artist, loath Gustav as he comes back for revenge. distraction.Until 15 November female, come on lads!) Are we in the fe- the Gods that be (i.e. Rupert Murdoch) scenery, yet mindful that he would be to be locked up, scrutinised, experi- as he would have been to admit it. As a stranger, he sets about conversing “Die, Bitch, die!” Tom Burke as Adolf and Anna Chancellor as his wife, Tekla lix office close to no longer being able had ever lavished upon me. But the stuck in a room of hellish canvases for mented upon and torn apart with an The exhibition lacks in the years up to comfort ourselves with the fact that brightest little gems that dot the dia- the next few months. But even stuck unbiased hand equally versed in the to Bacon’s breakthrough work in 1944, we are the only interesting people at mond canopy of pop culture are not in the mundanity of the everyday, the procedures of science and butchery. but this is a minor quibble to what is Imperial? always the most obvious ones. Hours work still speaks for itself, and as with The exhibition deftly takes advantage essentially a long-overdue tribute to Our inaugural arts section this of intense character development the best of any art, succeeds in en- of this, and the first few rooms depict- one of the nation’s greatest (the exhi- year started with a very effective and and human drama set in a 50’s prison grossing and provoking the viewer in ing snarling, contorted primates are bition travels to Madrid and the Met Anyone for thought provoking column by Emily sounds about as enticing as dropping equal measure. followed by Bacon’s screaming popes, next year), and for the modern art nay- who asks us scientists to think about the soap in Wormwood Scrubs, but I know what you’re thinking. Francis influenced by Velasquez’s Portrait of sayers, he worked until his last triptych who we are besides physicists, engi- The Shawshank Redemption is cher- bloody Bacon. A key protagonist in the Pope Innocent X. in 1991. The touch is deft, his under- neers or biologists and what else de- ished by even the most obdurate of the Marmite minefield that is contempo- If a pope isn’t spared from the uncar- standing of colour dazzling and for all fines our personalities. Even if you wilful ignorati. rary art. You love him, or you despise ing gaze of the artist, then it thus does his personal shortcomings, his passion not come as a surprise that his depic- and focus consummate. some Hedda? recoil at the prospect of undergoing a Watching the crew of the ship disap- his work. Years later and a new genera- cultural mission for the benefit of felix Henrik Ibsen’s classic Hedda Gabler is Arts readers, it is worth pointing out that art affects and reaches us all. In given an unsuccessful modern makeover. many of the adverts that abound as a result of free economy, on television, Chris Hong tells all on the radio in the form of music and I am sure that all of us have seen a film at here have been numerous a real youthfulness to the play and the least once in our lives. Therefore, if you revivals of this Ibsen clas- writing and direction also succeeded have already made up your mind never sic recently, and the last I in that. to write syllable for this arts section, managed to catch was at There was some very commendable you will be sure to find something of the Almeida with the fan- acting in Adrian Bower as the rough interest to you here and possibly even tastic Eve Best who deservedly won her and wild Eli and Alice Patten as the tim- something which may inspire a new Tshare of awards and accolade. This new id and emotional Thea. Cara Horgan’s passion in you. updated version set in present day Not- spoilt, immature sixth former Hedda For the remainder of this column I ting Hill will have a lot to live up to. contributes towards the understanding considered elaborating on how this Modern day amendments include a 6 of her manipulative behaviour. How- trite financial situation is affecting month trip to the Far East instead of a ever, Toby, played by Christopher Obi, the art world: the artists and how we train journey around Europe, and what lacks the menace in his threat to force the viewer consume this art. But that used to be a manuscript has now be- the conclusion of the play. would be conflicting with my hatred of come a USB Flash drive. However, an Overall, the modern update, set in all the coverage this “crisis” is receiving attempt made for these to be blended London in mid September, fails to con- and the abundance with which it is spo- into the script stands out too much vey the failing of closeness and feeling ken about. Let us try and leave art as an as deliberate acts to modernise rather of being trapped felt by Hedda Gabler untainted haven as hard as that might than add anything to the dramatics. in Norway’s mid-winter. Although be considering how most things in this Some updates work beautifully, there are productions of Hedda Ga- world are kept on a ball and chain by like the chic (albeit a little run-down) blers out there which will provide more the economy. Turn over for Rosie Mil- apartment where the play is set, bring- drama, this is a competent attempt to ton’s cheering account of how the art ing a real sense of living slightly be- bring something different to one of Ib- world is triumphing despite the rise in yond their means, and the clever scene sen’s great works. defeated bankers. change with the boys out clubbing I also had the idea of expounding enhances the image of Eli descending 21 August - 27 September 2008 the notion of how art and science are into drugs and alcohol. The cast bring not mutually exclusive as many have come to believe. However, I think this debate has been made redundant from the frequency with which I have tried to convince you that they are not and by the fact that to anyone it should be so obvious that the two can be so in- herently linked. Art comes about from science and technology and in turn, art has been a medium through which sci- ence can be explained and made more attractive. Members of both “sides” can learn valuable skills from dabbling in a foreign subject. While Jimbob wrote his paper on the sex life of a golf ball, grandpappy relieved himself upstairs Owen Beale as ex-husband, Gustav, in the Domar Warehouse’s production of Creditors Cate Blanchett as Hedda in a current New York production of Hedda 22 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 23 Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts Bisexuality at the British Museum Stoppard-ed in my tracks byIvanov Rosie Grayburn discovers a lot more than cold marble and Roman sandals in the exhibition exploring the An adaptation of Chekhov’s Ivanov by Tom Stoppard is deemed a trove of acting talent, claims Caz Knight innovative first Emperor of the civilisation which shaped life as we live it today

tanding in the Ancient Egypt Horn: True. I was told he has a su- Warriors and had heard that the ex- ganic nature of the joints attaching the Throughout the exhibition we also gallery in the British Muse- perb collection of goodies from muse- hibition space in the newly converted gargantuan arm or 80cm foot to the get to know several of Hadrian’s peers um, I overheard a conversa- ums all over the continent. Maybe we Reading Room had been cramped torso. Still, the sizes of the remaining and contemporaries: the most of whom tion between two of the chat- should give him a break, Nesperennub. and frantic. I was pleasantly surprised bits are impressive and the details are was Antinous his Greek lover. In a time tier mummies. After all, he is sponsored by BP. when we entered the exhibition to find still there. Hadrian’s sandal is the best where it was acceptable to take a male Nesperennub: Pssst.. Did you hear So, after much pestering of the boy- it open plan, airy and atmospheric, in Roman design – eat your heart out lover as well as your wife, Hadrian wor- Sabout the new Roman Emperor who’s friend to accompany me, I wangled a with plenty of ventilation in the floor Topman - and the curls of his barnet shiped Antinous. The original script of moved in downstairs? Rich tosser. He’s ticket and set off to learn about this for Marilyn Monroe moments. What are trimmed to perfection. a Greek hunting poem really showed rented the Reading Room until the end Emperor Hadrian. Hadrian is one of I wasn’t pleased with was the price of The line you take through the highly Hadrian’s devotion to him. It was all of October! those Roman Emperors who you’ve the audio guides. I have an aversion disorientating space has been very quite sweet. Hornakht: Yeah, goes by the name of heard off but don’t know anything to audio guides at the best of times well thought out by the curators. I don’t think I have ever been so im- Publius Aelius Hadrianus. Who does about… except for that great big ‘eff but when they’re priced at £3.50 they Every single campaign of Hadrian’s is pressed with an exhibition due to the he think he is coming up here from off’ wall in Scotland which he put his are most definitely surplus to require- demonstrated with the best artefacts. extent to which we really feel familiar the 1st century AD and bringing all his name to. We are all familiar with that ments. Thankfully, there is definitely Every last coin is explained and adds with Hadrian’s personality, as if we clobber with him? weirdo Nero, the shanked Julius Caesar enough written information to keep something to our knowledge of this were one of his citizens. I felt respect Nes: (in lowered tones) I heard he and Marcus “that old guy off Gladia- you occupied and entertained al- finest Roman emperor. To keep us in- and awe for this innovative emperor. brought his wife AND his male lover tor” Aurelius, but actually a lot of what though you will possibly miss out on terested, there are more than enough The presence of so many images of him with him. we know today as “Ancient Rome” was a couple of anecdotes by skipping the unusual relics in the exhibition so we familiarises us with his hamster cheeks Horn: Well slap my thigh and call me formed by Hadrian. He was an incred- audio guide. don’t get bored with the generic Ro- and cherub hair which really helps us Osiris! ibly innovative guy! I mean, he was the The exhibition starts with a huge man objects. I loved the double headed to get to know “the man behind the Nes: To be fair on the guy, at least all 1st emperor with a beard and a pen- bust of Hadrian and his sandal-clad cameo of Trajan and Plotina, which is wall”. You do leave the exhibition feel- his bits and pieces weren’t stolen by the chant for the Greeks – trendsetter! foot. When a statue is this big, it rarely a thousand years old but looks like it’s ing very Roman: educated, superior British in the 1800’s. I had not been to see the Terracotta survives this long intact due to the or- fresh out of Wedgewood. and a little bit gay.

Diamond studded skulls and ponies While we suffer, the arts world invest their six figures in pickled sharks and ponies. Rosie Milton reports.

When I heard that Sotheby’s auction bling away other people’s money on house would be holding an exclusive the lots of the day. This apparent ab- single artist sale – a move unprecedent- sence of actual buyers to a saleroom is ed for the salerooms, even since its es- nowhere near a new phenomenon to tablishment in 1744 – I was interested the modern auction house, but I think to see which artist had boldly chosen that under the circumstances of such a to sell his work through this house. To controversially exceptional sale such as discover that it was the controversial this, it is especially poignant. Damien Hirst, I expected nothing less One lot that I witnessed being sold from the sale than astronomical sums was ‘The Dream’, a grey foal in formal- spent and I revelled in the sale’s de- dehyde solution with a horn emerg- lightfully ironic title – ‘Beautiful Inside ing from the centre of its forehead, My Head Forever’. emulating the fantastical unicorn. This Most recently Hirst has been in the sold for £2,050,000 (not including the media glare and under incredulous buyer’s premium of 15%). And where speculation from anyone interested was the buyer? Not in the saleroom, for in art (or money) - prior to this sale of sure, but bidding through his (or her) course - when he sold his unforgetta- representative. This of course raises Wannabe art conoisseur, Dasha Z ble piece, ‘For The Love Of God’ for a the issue of discretion – if you had in- cool £50 million to an unknown inves- vested a few million in any of Hirst’s tor (rumoured to be George Michael, pieces I feel sure it would be a bold Russian rubles) at the Sotheby’s sale for those of you interested in auction move to let people publicly know it of Damien Hirst’s work. I’m sure Karl room gossip). This human skull is en- had been you – his work is as we know, Marx is turning in his grave. crusted with 8,601 diamonds and as controversial – but even more so is the What of the future of the art world the press release for its ‘debut’ pointed money people are willing to spend on then? Will the frequenters of the auc- out, it was “the most expensive piece it. So who are the game players in the tion house salerooms always have mil- of contemporary art ever created”. auction world? lions to play with, or will they dimin- Ground-breaking contemporary art or Russian oligarch Roman Abramovi- ish and fade away in the coming years? Kenneth Branagh is Ivanov, the middle-aged rural Russian, plagued with lassitude and a dying wife. I’m not quite sure what is going on in this picture... elaborate disco ball? You decide. ch is one (recognised in the UK as the Will the exorbitant expenditure on art This seems to be the norm with any owner of Chelsea football club), but change too, or will the stakes continue discussion regarding Hirst and his in the art world he is known for being to rise higher and higher? Perhaps we erhaps the Donmar West writing a full-length play and it turned calls us to attention making us aware the seamless flow of humour (even a Hiddleston and his lion-like good maelstrom of conceptual art. The se- flanked by his ‘fashionista’ girlfriend may be witnessing the last runners in End’s production of Anton out to be a labour of love, or will to es- that we are about to experience some- few phallic jokes) which is juxtaposed looks are quite a contrast to his previ- cret to his success is one I will try and Dasha Zhukova, who recently opened the race to desperately spend ground- Chekhov’s Ivanov comes tablish himself as a serious dramatist. thing fantastic. Tom Stoppard’s adap- with their own supposed weariness ous role as the virile Cassio in Othello, decipher for you. If we look at his pro- the ‘Garage’ Centre for Contemporary breaking millions before they disap- to the stage at the correct He rewrote it tirelessly after a first edi- tation of Chekhov’s work is obvious in- and debt and with that of Ivanov’s more as he takes on the role of Anna Petro- duction, he almost always takes an or- Culture in Moscow (with a little ‘help’ pear into the black hole of the global moment given the climate tion in 1887 to better capture the spir- stantly with the modern turn of phrase pronounced and obvious misery. Bran- vna’s Doctor who is too honest for his dinary object (for example a few empty from her boyfriend of course). financial crisis. of expanding Russian art gracing the itual sickness of his protagonist as he and jokes which pour forth from the agh is surprisingly underwhelming in own good, despised by all in the village. cartons from a pharmacy counter, or Another post-sale rumour is that At least now we know that the Hadron Pgreat auction houses of “Moscow- suffers the bitter autumn of his life. characters onto an appreciative audi- his performance which only conveys His anger and indignation at Ivanov’s even a shark or two), puts it in a box Abramovich bought the key piece from Collider really did achieve something, on-Thames” (as London has become As a medic, Chekhov made a de- ence - much to Ivanov’s annoyance his characters feelings of emptiness. treatment of his wife are carried off or sticks it on a canvas and then makes the first part of the sale - ‘The Golden even if only metaphorically. At the end known in Russia). tailed study of what he called the Rus- and distress. Stoppard has done an The result is outstanding and his sheer with skill as are his audience-addressed millions from it. But although I have Calf’ for £10.3 million – another bes- of the two-day sale, even if you couldn’t My previous experience of Chekhov sian Condition – a blend of conscience astounding job at creating such a witty talent obvious from his near perfect musings. Riseborough astounded with broken the ‘technical’ process down tial soup, but embellished with 18 carat afford a Hirst yourself, then at least you at the theatre was a brilliant version of and apathy that he weaves into the (evident from the audience’s rambunc- ability to transition between frustra- her bold and energetic portrayal of the here, it still does not explain his suc- gold horns and hooves. Over the two- could spend a hearty £50 on the set of The Seagull, but ponderous and slight- play among many of the characters tious laughter) and well-oiled script tion, anger, despair, cynicism, flippan- impetuous Sasha, oddly reminiscent cess. To understand that we must turn day sale, Hirst achieved £111 million three catalogues which come complete ly difficult to understand nonetheless. but most markedly and importantly which is not only easy to, but a delight cy, indifference and sadness. He leaves of Ellen Page’s Juno McGuff, with her to the hungry consumers of his art – and only five of 223 works did not sell. with stickers of butterflies, fake dia- Add this to the fact that Kenneth Bran- in Ivanov. Chekhov draws on his own to digest. us wanting to do nothing but give him frank and dry humour. the wealthy ‘collectors’. Diamond encrusted skull rumoured to be owned by George Michael During the week of the sale, else- monds, pills, fags and a pickled calf so agh was deemed to make his come- personal experiences as Ivanov mar- The essence of the Donmar is still a huge cuddle as he huddles shaking, I left in amazement and confidant As long as there has been art, it has where in the money world the Lehman supposedly you can have a go at mak- back by storming the West End, after ries a Jewess at the prospect of a heft present with its modest and slightly red-eyed, lip a-trembling under the ta- that the next year at the Wyndham’s is had a purpose for display and collec- Brothers collapsed and there was fur- ing your own art (I know of one for sale a 19-year break from the stage, and I dowry but eventually falls out of love sombre stage setting which captures ble – “What’s wrong with me?” Quite going to be one of 24 carat caliber with tion. When the art auction became a showroom not only to view the art on the sale of September this year, I no- ther trouble on Wall Street. In the en- if anyone’s interested). had visions of an evening spent sitting and into depression, driving her away the weary spirits of the characters of different to his role of self-assured Pro- Twelfth Night, Madame de Sade and steadfast thing, it introduced the sport sale but also for those wealthy enough ticed that the majority of bids came suing weeks terms such as ‘Black Fri- Otherwise, who knows, you might through one soliloquy after another as and into her deathbed. A brief engage- pre-revolutionary, rural Russia. Indeed fessor Lockhart in Harry Potter and Hamlet (to be directed by Branagh) of competition in collecting. Today to indulge in the sport of bidding to from the crowded bank of telephone day’, disaster and crisis have not ceased do a Hirst and make a few million out Ivanov struggles to overcome his lassi- ment to the young, girlish Sasha ends a contrast to the gloriously plush Wyn- the Chamber of Secrets! featuring some phenomenal actors. it is viable to say, especially in terms display their millions in an almost gro- bidders along the side walls, or from to cry out at us from the front pages of of it (that is if there’s any millionaires tude and hollowness against the back- with Ivanov’s suicide minutes before dham’s theatre. Two young and beautiful troves of Perhaps the critics are right and we of modern art, that this competition tesque fashion. people dotted throughout the room the press. What a comparison then to left that he hasn’t sucked dry yet). If drop of a grey and sparsely dress stage. the wedding. Far from being Branagh’s show, acting talent sure to suceed are Tom are definitely entering a new, golden far outweighs the desire for collect- However, sitting amongst the crowd with their mobile phones constantly the gross frittering away of millions of you do, let us know if its beautiful in- How very very wrong I was. The play starts and ends with a bang: the superb cast, directed by Michael Hiddleston and Andrea Riseborough, age for theatre. Ivanov would certainly ing. The auction house has become a on the morning of the second part of stuck to their heads, vicariously gam- US dollars or pound sterling (or even side your head forever after. Ivanov was Chekhov’s first attempt at a loud, shock-inducing gun shot which Grandage, comes together to ensure both RADA graduates like Branagh. suggest so. 24 felix Friday 17 October 2008

Welfare Email Hannah on [email protected] Welfare Editor – Hannah Theodorou Email Nigel on [email protected] A guide to surviving your first term The beginning of term can be an anxious and confusing time for many students. Fear not, help is at hand:

David Allmann this is in addition to the demanding didn’t have as an undergraduate – a Student Counsellor courses studied at Imperial! partner, children, a mortgage – differ- Of course, all of these transitions are ent challenges involved in a different likely to be exciting as well as challeng- life-stage. Many of you reading this will have ing and offer opportunities for you to In short, no matter what stage you’re arrived at College this term. Some of experience new situations and cultures. at in your time at College, there are you will be in your intermediate years Yet, at the same time, new situations challenges and opportunities which here, while others will be in your final often feel daunting as well as exciting. are concerned with transition and year, preparing to leave College. What- They are likely to highlight the areas in change. If you’re struggling with these, ever point you’re at in your university which we feel unsure about ourselves. it might be helpful to talk about them, career, the experience of transition is Everyone might feel uncomfortable in in order to clarify and understand your likely to affect you in some way. a new situation, as well as excited. experience. Sometimes it’s helpful to If you’re in your first term of under- Perhaps you’re in the final year of talk with someone completely outside graduate study, this might be the first your undergraduate career, and con- your circle of friends and family. time you’ve been away from home for a sidering job applications as well as You could talk with your personal tu- long period, the first time you’ve been finals. Next summer you’ll be leaving tor or member of your hall wardening away from your family and friends for College and beginning the next phase team, in the first instance. In addition, an extended period. You’re likely to feel of your life, with different challenges the Student Counselling Service is a little homesick. This is natural, a sign and opportunities. Are you achieving available to any registered student that you’re human and have attach- what you wanted to achieve at Col- who would like to talk about any of Some students feel a little lost when they first come to university ments to people. lege? Everyone has regrets, but is there these challenges. Information about Perhaps you have arrived at College anything in particular that you’d like to the service is at www.imperial.ac.uk/ from another country; you might be achieve before you leave? counselling. To arrange an initial ap- deeply held ideas or beliefs: In this in the way of you enjoying life here at unfamiliar with Britain and British cul- Perhaps you’ve recently begun an pointment, contact reception at coun- international community we are pre- College; talk with someone soon so tures. English might not be your first MSc, or a PhD. The volume of work [email protected] or on 020 sented with a wide range of faiths, be- problems can be explored before they language. And although you can keep involved in an MSc at Imperial is large, 7594 9637. liefs and intellectual traditions. This become a major issue. contact with your loved ones by phone perhaps considerably more than was The doctors at Imperial College can be both exciting and bewildering. The International Office is running or email, it’s not the same as face-to- involved in your undergraduate degree. Health Centre have a great deal of ex- The Chaplaincy is available to anyone a series of orientation workshops for face contact. And if you’re beginning a PhD you will perience and knowledge of students’ – from any faith or world view – who international students. One of these You might have arrived in the centre be faced with the task of organising psychological health. They are avail- wants to reflect on these kind of ques- is ‘Adjusting To Student Life in Lon- of London from a much smaller town or your unstructured time in a way that able for you to arrange an appointment tions. Chaplains can also suggest other don’ which will be run in collaboration village setting, in which case you could was not required for an undergraduate to talk with them. There are also coun- places to help you explore your ideas with the Student Counselling Service. feel somewhat overwhelmed by living degree. Hence the transition to post- sellors and psychotherapists in the further or to enter into dialogue with This will take place on Monday 20th in the city. And on top of all that, this graduate study has its own particular Health Centre who can be consulted different view points. Further informa- October, 13:00 – 14:00. For further might be the first time you have to do challenges. after referral via a doctor or practice tion about the Chaplaincy Centre is at information visit www.imperial. your own washing, or to shop for your You might be returning to academic nurse. www.imperial.ac.uk/chaplaincy ac.uk/international or contact Im- own food. Moreover, for some people, study after a period of working: that Times of transition and change may If you identify strongly with any of perial College International Office at meeting new friends and socialising could be a shock to the system in itself. present us with new experiences that the areas described here, don’t wait [email protected] or tel- can evoke considerable anxiety. All of You might also have commitments you challenge or clash with aspects of our until your unhappiness grows and gets ephone 0207 594 8040.

Uganda: The HIV Success story? Subwarden Vacancy

Uganda has been one of the biggest success stories in Africa's fight against HIV and AIDS. At its peak, it was estimated that 15% of the population was living with HIV or AIDS, a percentage which has fallen dramatically to about 5% today. People tend to disagree on the reasons for their success but con- troversially, part of the success seems to lie with the government's ABC cam- paign, which focuses primarily on the message of abstinence. Martin Ssempa, a pastor in Uganda, is coming to Imperial to argue why he believes abstinence could be the key to success in the fight against the disease which affects 33 million people worldwide. Whether you agree or Applications are invited for the position of subwarden strongly disagree come along to hear his views, air yours and get involved in the debate! at Falmouth & Keough Halls in the new Southside This event has been organised as a S.H.A.G. Taster event, the Union's building. The position is open to all full-time members campaign to promote sexual health awareness. S.H.A.G. Week will be taking of Imerial College including postgraduate students. place in from the 24th to 28th of November right across campus and we are actively recruiting S.H.A.G. Ambassadors now to help spread the message about sexual health and distribute their weight in condoms! If you’re inter- Further information or an application form can be obtained ested email [email protected] saying you’d like to get involved. by emailing [email protected] Uganda: The HIV success story? Monday 20th October 6pm, Deadline for applications: 5pm Monday 27th October 2008 Royal School of Mines lecture theatre 1.47 26 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 27 Film [email protected] Film Film Editor – Zuzanna Blaszczak [email protected] The Film Cynic Clinic Coming soon Stuart Higgins a whip-lashing, über-exploring hero ments of cinema, but you can’t help into: Mr Jones & Son, Antiquarians but wonder. Must-see films set to arrive in Cinematography? Pah, it’s all in the and Odd Jobs. Jurassic Park would be soundtrack. little more than a documentary of Lon- Comments? Please respond to: Liam Neeson shows class a cinema near you! [email protected]. In Taken, see for yourself that formulaic doesn’t have to mean boring and unoriginal. It’s there in the water. Derr derr. It’s don Zoo on a Tuesday. going to eat those innocent bathers. Of course there are those films which Jonathan Dakin Daniel Craig, in his second outing as Derr derr. Its shark fin glistens in the by their very definition require no Wanted: Actor or actress to play Bank and find his beloved daughter before Bond, will be surrounded by gorgeous sunlight, as Dave the ‘special effects sound at all. They are, of course, Silent Chief in new financial drama. No previ- Taken HHHKK she disappears for good. Can he find His name is Bond, James Bond, and girls in the form of Ukrainian beauty bloke’ pants away, trying to pull a fibre- Films. However all those people are ous experience necessary, excellent pay Zuzanna Blaszczak Director: Pierre Morel her? And if he does, will she be alive? although you have seen him return Olga Kurylenko and English sexpot glass triangle across a swimming pool. now dead, so we don’t need to worry regardless of outcome, although poor Film Editor Writer: Luc Besson Taken utilises a conventional plot but twenty times before, this time he is Gemma Arterton, old favourites in- Jaws, what a masterpiece. You have about that genre any more. Other films results may cripple world economy. Robert Mark Kamen cleverly makes it unconventional by returning with only one thing on his cluding M (Judi Dench) and Felix Leit- to have respect for the way in which that require no sound include any For Sale: Medium Size Investment Cast: Liam Neeson, changing the way that the protagonist mind: vengeance. er (Jeffrey Wright), and a brand new a film like Jaws is able to elicit such of the Harry Potter series. Strangely Bank. One previous, not particularly have to confess I like autumn. Maggie Grace, goes about finding his daughter. As we After the explosive finale to Casino villain called Dominic Greene, played powerful emotions from its audience, enough those are also films that re- careful owner. Some minor scrapes Not only when the weather is Famke Janssen already know that he is ex-CIA, we Royale, Bond is on the warpath to by French actor Mathieu Amalric. using only the limited resources of the quire no visuals either, and in fact, and damage, although all repairs will nicer than during summer like can accept that what he is doing is re- track down those responsible for the Can the new Bond film really live 1970s. I was well and truly hidden be- should never have been made. Now if be covered by the Taxpayer Insurance it has been in this past week or alistic and because he attempts to find death of the woman who almost stole up to the hype? This reporter says yes, hind my big fluffy Powerpuff-Girls pil- there are any HP Movie fans out there Company. so, but also when the leaves are Jonathan Dakin his daughter in a very methodical and his heart. But along the way, what will and promises to be the first in line at low whilst watching that famous scene. who found that comment a little harsh, turning yellow and all that lights them logical way, the film is much more be- he discover? Who really was behind the nearest cinema, dressed in a tux Truly shocking. How on earth did they I would recommend learning to read Iup are cars passing by with headlights Oh dear, here we go again, another lievable then the standard Hollywood the events that unfolded in the previ- just like his hero, as soon as the film get people to buy it? It’s simple, derr instead. turned on to dispel the rain and fog. American kidnapping film. Haven’t we action movie. The script and camera ous film? What other shocking secrets is released. derr*. Of course if you’re feeling a little Because let’s face it, what can be more seen enough of them? Well actually, work are very good, and the violence will be discovered along the way? And Quantum of Solace will be released Try watching the same scene whilst more adventurous you could always pleasant than sitting in a cinema chair no, as Taken is a surprisingly different and action sequences are original and most importantly: can revenge be his? nationwide on October 31st. muted, and suddenly all tension is lost. try switching soundtracks. I liked with the seemingly obligatory bucket take on a worn-out formula. exciting. As usual, the star of the show It’s as though someone has added the The Shining, but felt that it lacked the of popcorn and a barrel of Coke wait- Bryan, a CIA bodyguard (Neeson), has Neeson gives a commanding and like- subtitle “It’s just a film, you’re only in true swing and flair of the Sixties. So ing for a movie to start, knowing that decided that the only thing worthwhile able performance, dominating the film a cinema, stop eating your neighbour’s by swapping the original desolate and outside there is a loud, grey, wet world in his life is his daughter Kim (Grace), by humanizing it and making us care popcorn”. You’re brought smashing chilling score with that from Austin that always turns out to be more bor- so he stops working for the American about him. Although some of the fight- back down to earth, the illusion shat- Powers, the Spy who Shagged Me, there ing than the film you are about to ex- government in order to make up for the ing scenes are fairly grisly, and the plot tered, with the sudden realisation that is instantly more joie de vivre, or as I perience with Digital Dolby Surround, time he has lost with her. Determined to has elements some people may find un- you’ve got a numb arse. It demonstrates prefer to say, va va voom. HD and a screen the size of a double- see Kim as much as he can, Bryan visits comfortable (sex slavery), the film fits the importance of a great soundtrack: Perhaps ‘Eye of the Tiger’ was wasted decker bus. And… autumn is when the Kim on her 17th birthday to try and re- together well and keeps the pace and the haunting string section, set over on Rocky III. Imagine how much bet- BFI London Film Festival takes place. build their tattered relationship. Soon excitement lasting for the entire time. thunderous brass, with Dave tinkling ter the Sound of the Music would have This year it starts on the 15th of Octo- after the lavish party that her mother Considering that the tension is quickly the triangle occasionally. It’s the spine- been, if they’d been singing along to ber and for fifteen days Londoners get (Janssen) and stepfather have thrown built up from the opening credits, my tingling, buttock-clenching fuel that “the thrill of the fight” instead? Or how a chance to exercise their skills of film for her, Bryan discovers that Kim has main criticism would be the ending. drives the movie head on into the wall about cheering up the more depress- criticism on hundreds of movies from only one birthday wish: to go to Paris However as most audience members of emotion (and if that isn’t a contrived ing bits of Braveheart with the Ghost- around the globe. Of course that is the with her friend so that she can explore would be familiar with formulaic plot metaphor, I don’t know what is). With- busters theme? Yes, purists might argue theory; the reality is a bit less glamor- Europe. At first Bryan is adamant; he styles, they would probably enjoy the out its triumphant, jubilant score, Indi- that this would slightly alter the subtle ous. How do you get 12 million people knows the dangers of the outside world rewarding conclusion considering all The actual James Bond with a very angry looking lady! ana Jones would be transformed from dynamic of these award-winning mo- Take a wild guess into a screening room that seats 200? and refuses to give her permission to of the terror that goes before it. Why are a quarter of the movies shown go. But after he realises that this is what Taken is a better-than-average, en- produced in Hollywood? But most im- she really wants, he gives in and allows grossing and intelligent, action-packed portantly, how do you choose which her to leave. But as soon as Kim arrives thriller that is enjoyable to watch. Al- films to see? in Paris, she meets a charming stranger though it is not ground-breaking or Theoretically you could see all of and is then kidnapped, an event that entirely unique, it passes the time ef- them. If you had a few thousand quid Bryan hears happening via her mobile ficiently. So if you find yourself stuck in to spare and possessed the very com- phone. Bryan must now race against a cinema, struggling to decide what to mon ability to be in multiple places at time and use all of his CIA knowledge watch, then give Taken a chance, and the same time or to travel across Lon- to track down the people responsible you will probably enjoy it. Liam Neeson, slightly older James Bond maybe? don in under twenty minutes, that is. You probably won’t be able to get even a single ticket now (I should know, I checked and got sorely disappointed), but I think it’s worth pointing out some movies anyway. And I won’t mention the ‘big’ names of the Opening Gala Surprising, surreal & funny like Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Million- aire or Quantum of Solace, they will Zuzanna Blaszczak fight the boredom of the routine they dean’s weakness for Tokay results in for real?’ and despite that, the laughter get their share of publicity and hype Film Editor find themselves in, Horatio becomes astonishing stories about his past. comes tumbling uncontrollably from without me having to point them out intrigued by a certain dean, Spanley The movie is described as an eccentric one’s throat; laughing as much at the to you. “If something goes to the trouble of (Sam Neill). Subsequent incidental comedy-drama. Well, it’s more than dialogues and the story on screen as Based on my extremely subjective happening, then it’s inevitable” is the run-ins will lead the younger Fisk to eccentric, this dialogue-driven film is at oneself for falling for it. And some- judgement of film synopses provided frequently repeated motto of Horatio invite Spanley to dinner, assuring his preposterous, bordering on the absurd. where between the laughter you’ll wit- by the British Film Institute in a mon- Fisk, the character that steals the spot- presence by promising a bottle of Im- Watching the dinner scenes one can’t ness a touching story of one man’s re- ster of a booklet the size and length of light in this New Zealand production perial Tokay to accompany the food. stop asking with wide-eyed surprise discovery of humanity and his surprise a good magazine, I would recommend based on a novella by Lord Dunsay. In One dinner turns to several when the ‘Are they [producers, actors, writers] at seeing that he still has a heart. the following; Indonesian Film Noir Dean Spanley the ‘inevitable’ is more The Secret (Kala) in which a gay cop and often than not referred to a most dis- narcoleptic journalist chase a phantom piriting event such as a death of a son, killer through Suharto’s Jakarta. An Ira- demise of a wife etc., but the inevitabil- nian road movie, Loose Rope (Rismane ity of this movie reaching the screens Baz), that ignores politics in order to in December is without a doubt a won- show the difference between rural and derful thing. urban with plenty of good humour and Set in England in the year 1904, the a bit of sting to remind us that not all is film narrates a story (through the voice well with the world. A Japanese tragi- of Jeremy Northam) of a chance en- comedy, Routine Holiday (Huangjin counter leading to a series of dinner Zhou), in which poet Li Hongqi ex- interviews which change the lives of an amines the idea of wasting time doing estranged father and son. The father nothing in particular (I don’t know why is Horatio Fisk, played by eight-time the protagonists aren’t students) in an Award nominee Peter O’Toole who understated-albeit-dreamy way. Also does a remarkable job with his por- the Polish Tricks (Sztuczki), a great trayal of an old jaded Englishman with success in its homeland, looks like it an exemplary stiff upper lip. could conquer the West as well with The son is Hounslow Fisk (Jeremy a nostalgic, witty and optimistic story Northam) – alone, middle-aged and about a young boy raised by his sister. tired of his father’s wisdoms. Theirs And for those who like their movies to is a typical relationship based on ob- break the classic Hollywood narrative, ligation and badly feigned affection, A Lake (Un Lac) by Philippe Gran- but one that we see transformed on- drieux promises to do just that. Who screen by the most unusual of events. knows, maybe some will eventually get At a lecture on the transmigration the wide release they deserve. of the soul, which the Fisks attend to Bryan Brown advertising his latest film 28 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 29 Music [email protected] Music Music Editors – Peter Sinclair and Susan Yu [email protected] up. I don’t have a great deal of anger fly- ing around, but any energy I have is ex- Describe your song writing pro- pended when we play live. It all comes cedure. What inspires you, where out in sweat and spit on the stage. and when do ideas pop into your head for new songs? With the following artists, say which one you prefer and why. Fear the Frightened Rabbit I write in blocks, for example most of the last record was written in about a Muse or Snow Patrol? Susan Yu tries not to intimidate the startled Rabbit who knows a thing or two about month or so. I get ideas all the time but music and attempts to suss out the Vessels and find out where the ship is heading... most of them float away into the ether. Snow Patrol, they are convivial nice I need to be sat down with an instru- chaps. Susan Yu ment and a recording device to map rightened Rabbit are a quar- out a song. I’m inspired by my own life The Killers or U2? Music Editor tet indie rock band from the I guess. It is all I know about. far away land that is Scot- U2. They’ve been brilliant for over 20 veryone had a smash- land. The band is comprised Many people describe writing years. ing summer? Nearly four of the lovely brothers Scott songs and playing music as being months of partying, doss- and Grant Hutchison, as well as Billy highly cathartic, a way of com- Stereophonics or The White ing, drunken nights, days KennedyF and Andy Monaghan, who municating your inner thoughts Stripes? at work, travelling, days of joined the crew later on down the line. and emotions, whether they are just chilling out in the sun with your Music Felix went and had a good old uplifting or anxious, whatever The White Stripes. Monster riffs. favouriteE beverage clutched in your banter with the front man vocalist / it may be, to be voiced through hands and the radio/music on full guitarist Scott... their music. Does this ring true Madonna or Kylie? blast, the list goes on. Now it’s time for for you? a new term, new faces, the same old What does the name Frightened Kylie is less nasal and irritating. routines returning with a loud HELLO Rabbit encompass? I fell like my music is a good way of and last but not least, time to check out framing certain parts of my life, to Duran Duran or Take That? new bands and new music. Well, that is It relates to my own social foibles, a call it ‘therapy’ is always a bit weird. It what I am here for, so if you have any look I had as a youngster when faced can help to put a full stop on periods Duran Duran. They play instruments. queries or thoughts about Music felix, with encounters with more confident of time when you sum them up over 4 feel free to email us (meaning the team, children. I then found out that a rab- and a half minutes of music. Blondie or The Manic Street comprising of me, Peter and James, who bit, when frightened, has about 10 Preachers? The Rabbit sits and waits for its long lost love back in NYC is a new addition to the felix team) and times the strength of a relaxed rabbit. Is there an immense sense of sat- we’ll try to get them answered a.s.a.p. Not sure how that applies to us, I just isfaction or even relief when you Difficult. Blondie have a better back provided that it’s something relevant thought it was interesting. finish writing a piece? Do you catalogue though. Name your perfect day. Where Do you have any groupies? What are your greatest musical as we are busybodies with a lot on our ever get annoyed or frustrated would it be and spent with aspirations? hands... Much appreciated. Do the band have some kind of with yourself if things don’t go to If you won the lottery what would whom? Depends what you mean. Nobody This summer, I ventured out to the V rabbit fetish? plan? you do with it? wants to sleep with us really, but we I’ll be aspiring to make the perfect al- Festival in Weston Park, Staffordshire, Spent rowing on a loch in the High- do have people who come to A LOT of bum until I am dead. which is incidentally an hours drive I have no fetishes towards animals. I’d Sometimes it just comes out and is Build a studio. lands with my girlfriend. our shows. from where I live, so I guess it was only definitely like to make that clear. done right there. Other songs take What is your new single about? a small trek down the road. The line- weeks or months to get right. But Name your top 3 inventions. Where and when did you last What sort of clothes do you usu- up for this massive shebang was defi- On the topic of fetishes, does any- there’s no point in getting frustrated. It throw up? ally wear on stage? Casual stuff or It is about a trip I took to NYC to win nitely something. I was enlightened by one have any weird and wonderful is more productive to work out what’s The guitar, the piano, the cassette smart formal gear? What is your back a girl. It didn’t work, so I came countless big guns like Muse, Stereo- fetishes that they’d like to enlight- wrong with it and try to change that recorder. In the studio about a year ago. favourite outfit? home and tried to work out what to phonics, The Verve and Kings of Leon, en us with? somehow. do. just to name a few. Other headliners Who is your favourite DJ, favour- Do you think it is acceptable for I have a thing for check shirts. But re- included the Kaiser Chiefs, The Prod- Billy likes older women, but not to the The Rabbit is scared as hell indeed... frozen in the headlights... or sweetly nibbling some green munchies So how do you normally vent out ite TV presenter and why? guys to wear makeup such as eye- ally whatever we’ve got on that day is Will you be touring soon? igy and The Chemical Brothers. There point of a fetish. It is more of a hobby. your anger/frustration or maybe liner, mascara etc..? also the stage wear. were also gazillions of smaller names I like picking scabs, Andy is into laser you prefer bottling it up inside? Favourite DJ is Richard Colburn. Fa- From the start of September ‘til the such as Girls Aloud, Newton Faulkner, war games and Grant likes drilling early on, and nothing really happened. I wasn’t terribly wild. Like I said, I What about the most cheeky one? vourite TV presenter is Gok Wan. Totally acceptable. end of the year pretty much. Scouting for Girls, The Feeling, Amy holes in chairs. After 2 years of near misses with other didn’t take full advantage of what the Billy has a wide variety of shit jokes. Winehouse (who actually turned up, labels FatCat finally came back and of- world had to offer. I think I’m better at surprise, shock, horror, not only this, Please give a brief description of fered to sign us. We were very lucky that now though. Does anyone in the band have bad she wasn’t entirely pissed off her face the band and what type of music indeed. habits? or drugged up, if her demeanour and you play. Do you think the way people have performance were anything to go by, When you were young, what kind been brought up has a major influ- Every one of us. Bad habits are the but still did not perform half as well as There are four of us in the band and of music did you listen to? ence on how their music is shaped? most enjoyable ones. Album Review: Sailing away with the Vessels she is capable of, what a waste of talent we make very pleasant guitar pop mu- If so, in what kind of ways? I say), and Duffy that were part of the sic. We have one song with electronic When I was very young I would listen Are any of you political? goodness. ible layers carved out of the whirlpool music. ‘White Fields and Open Devic- of bittersweet memories. There is also golden bill. This eclectic line-up en- drums on it and a couple of songs with to Vanilla Ice or Wet Wet Wet. Later, Absolutely. Our parents like folk mu- Album Review The sound of Vessels is colossal in of sounds that pulsates from the album, es’ does this and will hit the spot, if not a brief period where the drums an- sured a well mixed crowd, something the piano too. I became a big fan of The Stone Roses, sic, and artists such as Kate Bush and I usually vote, but it’s not based on a every sense. From the mixture of su- the whole shebang just sort of fuels your the first time. These tracks have very nounce their arrival, which is then fol- that appeased pretty much everyone. Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. Queen and I think it has found its way great deal of knowledge. I don’t absorb perb, distorted and sometimes delayed hungry adrenaline rush, simply bewil- varied tempos and structures, some lowed with splashes of minimal dark There may have been somewhat less How long have you guys been out into the sound of our band now. Ok, it all that well. synthesised guitar sounds and irrefu- deringly mind-blowing, I hear myself short, some stretching out, you will be electronica, hinting at the wilderness, sunshine and a little more rain than we there making and doing music and What kind of childhood have you maybe not so much with Queen... tably awesome double drumming to raving. Indeed, this scorching number left on tenterhooks each time a track loneliness beyond and gradually reach- hoped for, but the action was DAMN how did you form a band in the had? Do you ever regret anything Are you inclined in favour of La- the beautifully simple piano arpeggios, does not need words, the music speaks finishes, wondering where and when ing a strong, avalanching crescendo at good. Nothing could have clouded the first place? you’ve done in your childhood? Who is the most arrogant one bour, Conservative or Lib Dem? intricate glitch patterns, spellbinding for itself 200%. It just builds and builds, things are going to change… the end. festival mood, not the flooding toi- in the band? Who is the ladies’ Vessels guitar riffs, it’s all delivered with im- it’s almost as if you are trapped on this ‘A hundred times in every direction’ With ‘Yuki’, the simple arpeggios lets, not the nonexistent showers, not About 3 years. We’ve grown in number I regret being so obedient. You can get man? Errr... isn’t that private. Honestly White Fields and agination, flair and passion. swing, swinging higher and higher, the takes a turn away from the cacophony on the piano accompany the poign- the muddy, slippery ground that leapt since I played on my own with a guitar, away with a lot as a child and I didn’t though, I don’t really care that much. Open Devices This strangely wonderful, nebulous rush of wind hits your face, faster and that was the starter track and winds ant vocals, a velvety softness suffuses invitingly at your legs, urging you to adding one member each year. take full advantage of that. I’m easily the most arrogant. But that’s HHHHI affair of an album storms away with sharper and you feel absolute pain-free down to a slow, sweet, mellow husky the song, floating gently away in the dive into the chocolatey ocean. Some because I’m the best. Three of us have Do you think musicians have ‘Altered Beast’, a timeless hypnotic exhilaration. It’s that good. What is re- tune. This is the first time we get to sea, peace at last. The inclusion of the people, of their own accord of course, How did you get signed? Do you remember any moments girlfriends which, in a strange way, much say in the way society is concoction of loopy guitar riffs, com- freshing with great albums is the fact hear the bittersweet vocals in conjunc- soothing melodic guitar and piano in- stripped half naked and dived in hap- from your teenage years with rel- makes us very good ladies’ men. shaped? plex bass, synthesised instrumentation that you have songs that show vari- tion with the rasping guitar that is ever terlude helps to paint a calm picture of pily, rolling in the mud, soaking in the We were approached by FatCat very ish? Were any of you wild childs? Vessels are a quintet, five lovely guys and excellent drumming that has im- ation, not just the same old formula present. And then bang, the drums solitude, detachment from everything festival cheer and having a ball. What They have done, and a good song can from up North, Leeds lads they are mense drive and holds the whole thing because our ears are innately attracted and thundering percussion crashes in altogether. a wonderful, hilarious sight. I have to certainly soundtrack a movement. indeed. Having performed countless together immaculately. One is hope- to new soundscapes, something fresh, and it’s just sheer pandemonium. Then Other noteworthy tracks include the admit, I did give it a pass, being the I don’t think that music alone can incendiary live sets throughout the lessly, willingly drowned in the incred- something that rekindles our love for it backs down yet again and slowly awesomely-titled ‘An Idle Brain And cleanliness freak that I am, but maybe change the world, it can only make it a length and breadth of the country, but surely the whole soundscape gets The Devil’s Workshop’, with its poly- next time I’ll give it a shot, if the show- bit easier to be alive. these guys released their debut album stretched out and the drum and bass rhythm and frantic, cool guitar riff ers turn up. Well, that is my festival in August. They have received a fan- reclaims your ears once more. work. This is a loud, at times dark ,am- story told. Name the 3 worst bands in tastic response, including rave reviews: On the other hand, ‘Trois Heures’ bient one, an aural assault, the sonic This week I’ve got an interview with history. Kerrang – ‘Awe-inspiring… This is a sees the Vessels changing tact again, soundscape pulls through menacingly, Frightened Rabbit, a band that has only glorious, beautiful, unique, moving the backdrop being a desolate, gloomy, a massive contrast to ‘Walking through been on the circuit for a few years and The Twilight Sad, We Were Promised and magnificent album, 4/5,’ NME – ‘a almost threatening industrial land- Walls’, that is made up of soulful vocali- a cracking album by Vessels that could Jetpacks, Ross Clark and The Scarfs quite brilliant work of art’ and the seal scape, filled with gliding guitar ar- sation, forlorn guitar instrumentation do with a browse. Au revoir, ciao, adi- Go Missing. of approval from BBC Introducing’s peggios, digital detritus and metallic with clipped electronic beats that ties os, auf wiedersehen, zai jian, annyong- Huw Stephens. Their music is thought electronica. They have lots of tricks up everything together, nice and snug. hi kashipshio, sayonara, pirmelenge, Do you prefer playing in a smaller to have been shaped by a bit of eve- their sleeves. Over the course of 10 tracks, Ves- bye... whatever floats your boat... more intimate gig or to a bigger rything, from electronic post rock to ‘Look at that Cloud’ is an atmospher- sels demonstrate an immense array crowd? indie, finally ending up with their own ic instrumental piece that is a key track of distinctive soundscapes that mark We get mountains of CDs sent cohesive yet distinctive sound. There taken from their inspiring arsenal. It this captivating debut album as being to us every week and there are Both have their plus points. I feel it is are undoubtedly many post rock bands is however hauntingly fragile and the both strikingly evocative and euphoric. always gigs that need going easier to get away with mistakes at the in the music industry that are essen- dreamy yet achingly long synthesised Lend your ears to this ravishing find. to and reviewing. If you fancy bigger shows, because if everyone is in tially copycats of Mogwai or Explo- notes entrenched with pain evoke the getting some free stuff give us an a tiny room listening intently, they are sions In The Sky, but frankly Vessels feeling of the engulfing loss of that Susan Yu email at [email protected] Yep, those guys again, posing for another photo. Apparently looking at the camera is uncool! going to know when you’ve fucked it do not fall under this category. Thank The Vessels, that guy has ruined the photo by not looking at the camera someone, clinging onto the faint trails 30 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Fashion Fashion Editor – Daniel Wan [email protected] Fashion-spotting on campus Nada Jumabhoy roams Imperial College for its best dressed students this week

he felix Fashion team sions are no longer and they are happi- opinion. We were wondering why, but epitomised the aforementioned com- Daniel Wan sent out a team of all- ly settling down into the campus-wide it was obvious a lot of Freshers didn’t fortable and stylish combination well. tutting, all-scrutinising habit of slumming around in whatever think too highly of the hoody and jeans Her outfit was a combination of her Fashion Editor fashionistas to find the they find themselves in from the night culture that sitting in a computer lab own stuff and her boyfriend’s. The best-dressed students before. all day harbours. oversized rugby shirt and belt formed ou’ve survived the first of Imperial College. Most people we approached were Being simply and comfortably a sweet dress with a lot of character. week back at College. Ma- There is always an element of chance happy to pose for us, but they all in- dressed does not mean you have to Since Imperial is such a culturally di- zeltov. Nice to see you’ve involved. Not everyone is going to look sisted they weren’t looking their best. look too ragged though. Ez, who we verse place, we decided to feature Vic got back into the old habit Ttheir best everyday, and not every- Modesty is still rife amongt the first found chatting to his friends on the Man, due to his love of Korean cloth- of picking up your weekly one looks harmless, lost and innocent years, then. The team especially took Queen’s Lawn, was simply wearing a ing. He was wearing a monochrome felix, laughing hysterically at the dia- enough for us to pounce on. to Hoon’s faux fur trimmed top from polo T-shirt and jeans. It was nothing casual tuxedo and jeans outfit, with an Yphragm-punishing commentary, then We targeted Freshers, but tried not Zara. It was the first thing we noticed outstanding, but that’s exactly what we underlay of vivid scarlet provided by throwing your copy into the wind until to ignore the upper years. Sadly, we’ve about him as he sat in the Union have a loved about it. The solid blue and black his cardigan. some poor unsuspecting Fresher gets missed the very first week or two when pre-lecture pint. theme worked really well for him, fin- To all those that have been featured: hit in the face by it. He picks it up, and all the Freshers dress up in their best We also asked them what they ished off stylishly with a rather volu- smile, you’re now famous. For a week the cycle continues. outfits every day, even to go to a five thought of the fashion and style of their mised kaftan scarf around his neck. at least. To those that aren’t, but your It unnervingly feels like I hadn’t minute meeting with their crusty and fellow students at College. The major- Anjali, a second year Bioengineer best kit on, you’ll never know when suffered from three mind-numbing bearded personal tutor. First impres- ity were reluctant to give a truthful was hanging out by the SAF, and she we’ll be roaming again. months of London suburbia over the summer. No emotional goodbyes this time around, just absences, one by one, from our table at the local pub. When I found myself sitting in the Moon Un- Anjali, 2nd Year, Bioengineering Vic Man, 2nd Year, Maths der Water in Watford alone, I knew it was time to return my sweaty backside Polo shirt, to Imperial. Unprofessional as this will sound, American Apparel, I’ve been completely out of the loop of Shirt dress, £20 anything current. Including news, and Boyfriend’s Rugby Red cardigan, more than likely, fashion. The Internet has its wonderfully life-filling hands Top River Island, £25 tightly positioned around me. For the Tights Black tie, past couple of weeks, no Internet has Primark, £2 Covent Garden meant that my life has been a bland blob of ignorance. Hence, I apologise if Shoes, Vintage, £10 my section for this week reads like ‘The Massimo Dutti, £55 Tuxedo jacket, Origin of Species’; outdated, boring Belt, Online (Japanese), trundle that everyone already knows. But then some say ‘The Origin of Spe- Boyfriend’s £200 cies’ was revolutionary. But then some Bag, White Jeans, people at the time thought Charles Topshop, £35 Branch 22, £50 Darwin was the devil and wanted his finch-loving head on a pike. Shoes, I’m talking about Charles Darwin Fashion at Imperial? Online (Korean), in the Fashion section. What is wrong “The Freshers look £50 with me? What’s wrong with you? Why so much better Fashion at Imperial? are you still reading, fool? I wouldn’t be. In fact, I’m not, and I’m still typing. than my year!” “I’m into Korean You know what? I pitty the fool. And fashion, a lot of yes, with a double ‘t’. Half-heartedly people are here.” point that spelling error out. felix has taken some flak these last couple of weeks. Granted, we have not hit the ground running this year. I don’t think felix ever does, mainly down to the fact that half of last year’s editorial team have graduated and crawled out Hoon, Fresher, Chem. Eng. Ez Hassan, 2nd Year, Aero. into the big bad world of work, what I affectionately refer to as the getting- cucumbers-and-other-such-sizeable- vegetables-shoved-in-my-arse period Sweater of my life. (Faux Fur), We are a student newspaper, not the Zara, £60 Polo shirt, Guardian, not The Daily Star, but felix. Our readers are the students of Impe- Jeans Ralph Luaren, £60 rial, and to have such a large readership Topman, £40 Kaftan of thousands in such close community Shoes, Egypt, £2 is rare. We embrace that by referencing to the comic value and trends only you Topman, £50 Black Jeans, lot will truly understand; namely the T Shirt, FCUK, £80 sex ratio. The fact that a bloke is Fash- All Saints, £40 Belt, ion Editor probably proves that point. So lighten up. It’s all in jest, and enjoy Bag, FCUK, £15 the paper for what it is. American Apparel, Shoes, I’ve already had to omit Fashion from £30 Adidas, Limited the last issue due to lack of time and contributions. To stop such travesties Edition, £80 reoccurring, come write for felix Fash- Fashion at Imperial? ion. Write your opinions on the latest “Looks like a fuck- Fashion at Imperial? trend, a review of your mum’s ward- ing bombsite in “It’s non-existent, robe. My point is: anything (related to Fashion), and email me at fashion. terms of fashion.” isn’t it?” [email protected]. You never know, your mum might disown you for claim- ing she always looking dowdy, and then all you’ve got is felix for that motherly(- esque) bosom you blatantly crave. 32 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 33 Slitherlink 1,411 Tamara says: “Kill two birds with one cock!” probably doing the same thing anyway, drinks I have received from potential 1 3 1 no matter how soppy her emails are. In sugar daddies. The best thing to do is fact the soppier the guilt-ier as far as to adopt a nonchalant attitude and pre- Coffee Break 2 1 2 2 I’m concerned! tend like you know exactly what hap- Try to look on the bright side; at pened that night, you’re just too cool to [email protected] least you got an Imperial girl to look care. People will see that you don’t care 3 2 3 3 3 at you, imagine how the guys with and will copy you. Of course, for this no girls are feeling! My advice to you to work, you must be cool enough for 1 0 is to keep both on the go. Eventually people to want to copy you… 2 timetable clashes may arise, and some plate-throwing rows may be inevitable, Dear Tamara, 1 2 3 but you can worry about that when the I really want to have sex with my boy- time comes. friend but I am afraid he’ll think I look Photoshop Competition - 3 3 horrible naked because I’m really thin 2 1 Dear Tamara, with tiny boobs. What should I do?

2 3 3 2 I don’t quite know what’s going on, last Stick Insect week I woke up in a basement in Beit This week I’m loving scooters! – I don’t even live in Beit! Thankfully I Dear Stick Insect, 2 1 3 3 still had my trousers, but was missing my shirt, glasses and shoes. The place The man should (and will) be grateful 2 3 2 Dear Tamara, was a complete tip, like someone had that you’re agreeing to sleep with him just turned it upside down. After find- in the first place. He’ll be far too des- I’m a fresher, staying in halls, and al- ing my possessions in various places perate to get your clothes off to really Ravi Pall 3 1 2 though I came to university in a loving around the union, I carried on as nor- notice what’s underneath. If you were a Coffee Break Editor and committed relationship, my other mal. However, I keep finding strangers bit of a chubster, you would worry that half is hundreds of miles away and I talking to me like they know me and we the man will think you are too wobbly. ell what can I say www.felixonline.co.uk/sections/coffee_break for intructions. keep having slightly drunken hanky- shared some hilarious experience, or So just chill out and look at him criti- guys. Another panky with a girl in halls. I feel really some people just laugh as I pass them cally instead – he is the one who should week, another bad afterwards, but at the time my in the corridor. worry about pleasing you. Alternative- chance to enter the brain isn’t the one doing the thinking. All I really remember of the night be- ly, use your loan to get some help of the photoshop compe- This week’s texts: What should I do? fore is the guys buying me drinks! I’m so silicone variety. It’s like the underwear tition. Remember, you could win an confused, what’s going on? dilemma - girls worry about what they WiPod. A real one. I promise it’ll even be “Please feed the cat. I don’t want Frustrated Fresher, wear but if you ask most men, under- new. felix it to go to kitty hell.” Cold shower in Princes Gardens Confused, In the dark wear is just a hindrance to their pursuit Also, how awesome was the Freshers’ of what is underneath. Ball on Friday? That was a rhetorical “Lectures would be so much more Dear Frustrated Fresher, Dear Confused, question. It was immense. The Dirty appealing if I were naked more Sanchez boys both digust and amuse often” In these situations, I like to adopt the I can really sympathise with your situ- Got a problem, contact Tamara at me. All that matters is that Dainton 07980 148 785 what-he/she-doesn’t-know-can’t-hurt- ation. To me the success of a night out [email protected] gave me his blood-stained T-Shirt. This weeks winner. Team Vader. Next weeks RAW image for you to go wild. See www.felixonline.co.uk him/her attitude. Realistically, she’s is measured by the number of free Blood + T-shirt = Awesome Yeah, that’s right. It also made me happy to see the ever-so-lovely Jager Girls. Although I was scared by the Congratulations to this week’s win- know, they put Darth Vader in their This week’s image is of Dainton and online at www.felixonline.co.uk. Click podgy one who looked like it took a tub ner, Team Vader. We’ll be honest entry last week as well. It’s like some Pritchard from Drity Sanchez. Yes that on Coffee Break in the sections tab. of lard to squeeze her into her dress. when we say they won only because kind of gimmick. Also many chuck- is his manhood between the fretboard Email your entry to coffee.felix@ Like I cared though. Jagermeister is by of their immature, yet hilarious re- les were made at the inclusion of and guitar string. imperial.ac.uk with your team name far my favourite drink. Sure it tastes iteration of the CGCU url. Also the Kirby. Someone is obviously a fan of Ouch! with your photo and you’ll be entered Horrorscopes: get ready to be fucked over... HARD like cough syrup that has been left words “EPIC FAIL.” Just so you guys hangman. The high res picture can be found into the FUCWIT league. open for a year, but mix that with the Back by popular demand. The sick bastard from the first issue. You asked for it. genius of redbull and you don’t even know it’s there. In other news, the new MacBooks Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio have come out. Now I don’t count my- self as a hardcore apple fan boy, but This week it’s This week you This week you This week Felix is damn do they look sweet. Somebody certain that you’ll are a right-wing realise that working really depressed. hook me up with one, I’m poor. I know Stuff IC Students Like!? :) have sex. Probably conservative. You behind the bar in There is so much some of you will say ‘tough, I don’t get for the first time. have abandoned all the Union isn’t all stupid, inane crap one for free either.’ However, have you Definitely with that your free-market that it’s cracked up being thrown people thought about the fact that I Hell, even David Cameron used it to girl you met while in principles and cling to be. In fact there around and I really look like a pirate? No, thought not. 4. Relentless: tell the Labour party to “Wake up!” hospital. You know the one paralysed from the desperately to the lifejacket of government isn’t any crack at all. You spend 6 miserable just want to smile. I don’t even have the That is all. Best thing is, unlike Redbull, it comes eyeballs down, blind, deaf, dumb. Oh yeah jizz intervention. Most of you can’t even jump out hours completely sober before you lose control enthusiasm or life-in-me to go to Cheapskates Also lectures started this week, prob- If there is one thing Imperial Col- in 3 flavours. Normal, Orange, and into those bedsores. Do it. It could be worse, of your office windows because you have been and punch the next person who asks you to with a school friend. Do you see what you’ve ably earlier for some of you. I have three lege Students like, it’s anything that’ll Juice. All three taste exactly the same she could have AIDS as well. Save that girl for fired and security have strict orders to beat top up their fucking pint. I swear, I will fucking fucking done? I hate you all, I really really hate recommendations. The first is to bring keep you awake during the day, dur- though, suggesting that there is just next week. Buckaroo anyone? you up on sight. You have failed. KILL the next cunt-stain who asks, you. your pillow to your lectures. Seriously; ing the night and during you exams. way too much sugar. Reminds me those desks are hard. A Pillow makes Now Pro Plus is the usual option, or of Powerthirst (youtube it). It even that mid day nap all the better. Second Redbull. But both fail in comparison makes me wonder whether it can be Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius is avoid all 9 o’clock lectures. Don’t be to Relentless. I’ve seen rhinos have legal. the chump everyone copies the notes heart attacks on this stuff. Like Jagermeister? Try Jager bombs This week a Felix This week a student This week you’ll This week you left from because you turned up. Be the I won’t lie to you, I drink at least one with relentless. If that doesn’t send Editor says that complains about the meet Aaron Berk, your blue shirt at a guy/girl who copies of the chump that can a day. This stuff packs a punch, you to the moon, I don’t know what Enoch’s crosswords Hangman section. a second year. He friend’s house. They did. No offense to Chumps, I’m jealous and at 230 Kcal per can it’s hard core. will. Well, a space shuttle perhaps. are lame. Enoch Unfortunately, he can’t speak to you were kind enough you’re going to get a first. Lastly, Bring More sugar than you need. Yes! seizes a nearby chooses to come though. Tragically to wash it, dry it, a hipflask full of hard liquor. If you have sword and through into the office at an he was deer shanked iron it and fold it; to go you may as well be drunk. gritted teeth exclaims “If you EVER say that inopportune moment, when the Editors just in the ass, had his member filed away by a presenting it to you with a pillow on top. How- Back to more Coffee Break stuff, again, I will destroy YOU”. He then returns happen to be polishing their deer shivs. His cheese grater and sentenced to euthanasia ever you find out that they used slave child Sikh MC didn’t make it this week. to his corner in the Felix office and grumbles obituary reads “That damn bitch got what the old-fashioned way. Thats right, being labour and the blood of a thousand puppys as Long story short, we in the felix office about “those kids”. The offending Felix Editor he fucking deserved. Love Mum”. Few people torn apart by 4 rampantly horny horses is detergent. You have a new found respect for thought that Snaky B dressed as Dizzy then buys a bottle of whisky and does an attend his funeral, even fewer people wank on cool again. I would like to thank Aaron for his your buddy and you buy him a cake in thanks, Rascal was way better. We were right. Drink with me, I’m Snaky B explicit parody of “Girls Gone Wild”. Sweet. his grave. Well just one person. Me. effort to bring me back. unethical dead baby cake of course. Our man Marc Kerstein is hooking us up with all sorts to give away with the iPod- or so I heard. He better, he’s the and this week I’m dressed as DZ Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn Apple campus rep for Imperial College. He’ll hook you guys up with whatever At some point this This week you This week you find This week you you need (to do with Apple. He’s not a i!!! What up my breth- all about self-respect. It’s about get- cool? We’ll kick it old school! You get week you’ll wake up went to Fabric yourself a familar experiment in bed. drug dealer). ren? I’ve got to chat ting your backs up, backs up, back off me? Blud you’re not wrong if you think and look at yourself for the very first place, a lecture Your undeservedly to you, I’ve got some- the wall and making sure you stand up I want to get involved.. in the mirror. time in your life. It theatre. Wow this is better half begins thing to tell all you tall. Anyway enough of the guys. I want Disgusting. You’re was a memorable boring, how can you to tie you up. Once If anything in this or its associate pussy’oles. You’ll never know if you just walk to let all the ladies know that I want to too much of a pussy experience make it interesting? bound and gagged sections offend you in any way, You’ve got fix up, there’s a lot of nasty past, you better just ask. That’s some get behind your backbone. Snaky B, to top yourself off so you make yourself smile... but something was lacking, something I would suggest, as a man of the cloth, that you she begins to pour hot wax over you, laughing please bear in mind I’m not Obros walking around and you know it’s wisdom man. Remember it. You got to I’m good to go blud, because they don’t joker style. Unsurprsingly your smile doesn’t very important. Oh yes, I wasn’t wearing take a piece of rope, wrap it around the neck as you scream in pain. God won’t help you, he responsible for the Hangman time they try and look sharp. It ain’t take it further than the dance floor. Ya know I’m keepin it gansta. Who’d up in impress the ladies (scarred freak). Looks like underwear. As my groin sweat rubbed onto of the person next to you and scream “DIE doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. Why do team. Those guys are crazy and about getting attention, mate being understand my man? If you need some the end flow, keepin it tight? nothing’s changed for you then. Well I say my tight skinny jeans I felt the comforting BITCH” until they tell you WHAT THE FUCK you think all women are married to god at the as a result don’t blame me. a celebrity don’t mean shit to me, it’s fun, just glance at me and we’ll party kthnxbye! nothing, the rape you’ll suffer may be a new. sensation of an older man groping my testicles. THE LECTURER IS TALKING ABOUT same time as their husband? 34 felix Friday 17 October 2008 Friday 17 October 2008 felix 35 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport Badminton World Series Fencers On Target Richard Bale first match 5-2 before Tim Harford- ning his second match 5-4. Chris con- Bonanza! Fencing Cross made it 3 out of 3 with a 5-3 tinued to run rampant, demolishing Mens elite conquer chavs Bethany Wong victory. Chris could only manage a 5-5 his second opponent 5-1 before it was Wednesday night sees the start of arrived and it was all level at two a Imperial Men’s 2nd 130 Hockey draw in his second match and Sjoerd Alex’s turn to find himself on the end baseball’s 104th World Series, a best- piece, where Lord Byron delivered Saturday 25th October brings College’s UCL 2nd 120 fared no better, going down to a 5-8 of a brutal battering courtesy of UCL’s of-seven playoff that will pit the win- his commandments. The second half Imperial Men’s 1st XI 11 first charity badminton tournament in defeat, a sure sign of the disease rav- captain, eventually finding his way to ner of the American League Champi- kicked off with fresher Prior opening aid of ‘Save the Children’. aging his body. Tim got Imperial back a 5 – 11 defeat. Badger, clearly feeling onship Series, currently taking place Essex Men’s 1st XI 2 the floodgates for IC. Whatever captain A leading force in emergency relief Maurice Berk to winning ways with a 5-4 win but the the effects of physical exertion, made between the Tampa Bay Rays and Bos- DR put in the jaffa-cakes at half time and long-term developmental work, elation was short lived as UCL surged way for substitute and omnipresent ton Red Sox, against the winner of the clearly worked with goals from Diana Save the Children is currently work- The match got off to a controversial to the finish in the final three matches, 2nd team fixture Nathan Blundell who National League Championship Series, Jack Cornish effectively wrapping up the win inside ing in over 100 countries focusing on start with the captains unable to agree winning 4-10, 3-5 and 3-5. This left made a strong case for a place in the featuring the Philadelphia Phillies and the first ten minutes. It was at this time health, education, freedom from hun- upon which weapon to fence first. UCL UCL with a close fought victory in starting lineup for the next match with Los Angeles Dodgers. But how does an This match report starts midway Lord Byron unleashed Sid and Paedo ger, and protection of vulnerable chil- were keen to get under way with epee, epee, final scores standing at 40-45 and a 5-0 win. Alex continued to struggle event between members of these two through the first half when IC Men’s 1st from the bench... Stumpy had other dren. In 2007, ‘Imperial College Save to allow one of their fencers to attend leaving Imperial with a slender 3 point against his final opponent, losing 5-9 American leagues justify crowning a XI were two goals to nil down. IC had ideas however! Being a bit of an Essex the Children Society’ was formed. afternoon lectures while Imperial’s key lead with just foil to play for. and leaving the scores 125-117 in Im- world champion? decided that Essex had enough goals boy himself he decided to take pity on £10,000 was raised in our maiden year, epeeist Sjoerd Miedema was stuck in Club president Chris Namih, clearly perial’s favor before the final match. Today professional leagues exist and should now be put into their place the opposition and proceeded to miss and with a new target of £25,000, this traffic. Imperial received a lucky break back in his element after his rare foray With a potential 10 points up for grabs throughout SE Asia and Latin Ameri- - the whipping boys of the league! two open goals. Diana was less forgiv- year promises to be even busier. Our 3 as first Sabre, then Epee and finally Foil in to sabre, stormed to a 5-1 victory in for UCL, Chris needed to ensure he ca. In 2006 the inaugural World Clas- After some tactical adjustments and ing and completed his hat-trick. Eleven committees (Entertainment, Projects were randomly drawn. the opening foil match. Nathan “Badg- made the most of his years of fencing sic was held; the 16-nation event was encouragements from Lord Byron, goals in a row had secured victory for and Campaigns and Sports) will be Charlie Hennings made his experi- er” Harmston experienced a mauling experience to prevent the UCL captain won by Japan, with the USA being IC quickly struck back with two goals IC, although in the bar afterwards Es- hosting a variety of fund raising events ence count in the opening match, ef- by UCL’s captain, limping his way to a from almost single-handedly winning knocked out in the second round. Yet from Stumpy and Sash. Sexy Sash (as sex demolished ET et al. in a poorly and community projects, ranging from fortlessly dispatching his opponent 5-8 defeat and setting the nerves rac- them the match. Chris overcame his MLB remains the pinnacle of the sport, he is more well known) continued to run boat race. IC look forward to next music festivals to 12 hour football 5-2. Team captain Maurice Berk sub- ing. Fortunately 2nd team veteran Alex opponent 5-3 in a fine display that fi- attracting all the world’s best players. interlink with fresher Koch culminat- weeks match against Caterbury Christ marathons, starting with the Badmin- sequently found himself on the very Bishop restored faith with a solid 5-2 nally settled Imperial’s nerves, final After impressing at the World Clas- ing in some elegant moves. Half time Church, a potential league decider! ICHC Men’s 1st XI pose after their emphatic win against Essex ton Bonanza. wrong end of a 4-8 loss and Impe- win before Badger made amends, win- score standing at 130 – 120. sic, Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsu- The day will consist of a series of rial continued to drop points as Chris zaka’s decision to come to MLB led to mini tournaments, comprising Men’s, Namih lost his first match 3-5. Matters the Red Sox bidding $51.1 million just Women’s and Mixed doubles groups. continued to worsen as Maurice failed for the rights to negotiate with him With competitors from London uni- to redeem himself in his second match, (he eventually signed a contract worth versities and Middlesex clubs to social losing 3-5 before Charlie romped to a up to $60 million over 6 years). This Medic first blood ICURFC take on medic scum and non-league players, there is going 10-2 victory. Chris went close with a year’s playoffs have seen many nations to be a great blend of fun and competi- 5-6 loss in his second match to leave top stars on display including Canadi- tended their lead. The impenetrable move of giving it to the fatter mem- With a kick through, Scott, Fresher Netball Rugby tive spirit, so whatever your standard, the score 30-28 in Imperial’s favour ans Russell Martin and Jason Bay and defence of GK Colleen McGregor and bers to bosh it forward. But IC stayed Dave and Fresher Ginger-guy chased please sign up! before the final round. Maurice final- Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz of the partnership between Kate Wood- strong. After about fifteen minutes of down the scum’s full back and true to Imperial 2nd 10 Imperial Men’s 2nd XV 13 The cost of entry is only £7.50 per ly found his stride with a 5-3 victory, the Dominican Republic to name but ing and Emma Suttill at the other end sustained pressure on our own line, form he fucked up again which lead to player with all entry fees going directly quickly followed by Chris’s 5-4 win. a few. In all the 2008 season featured ICSM 3rd 15 frustrated IC and kept the goals com- St Barts 1st XV 15 and some gentle shoeing by Fresher Scott crashing over. to charity. Winners and runners up of Charlie brushed aside his final oppo- players from nearly 20 countries with ing. Half time came at a low point with Dave and Niall, the scum crashed over IC then had to defend their line with each category will each receive a tro- nent 5-2, leaving Imperial 45-37 in the around 30% born outside of America an IC injury, but the score 9-6 to the for their first unconverted try. the score at 13-10 and held strong for phy and Sotx sports equipment. lead going in to epee. and the Toronto Blue Jays franchise Alexandra Perkins medics. Niall Watson Then came the move of the match. 20 minutes. Unfortunately the scum For an entry form, or more informa- Sjoerd Miedema, was nominated an- being based in Canada. Fatigue was evident in both teams in After a long clearance by Scott in which crashed over to go up 15-13. After this tion, please contact bethany.wong06@ chor for epee and despite reportedly Unless a league that rivals the talent The last match the Medic 3s had played the second half but the medics capital- On a wet and windy day at home ICUR- the scum’s full back failed to catch and Joe Mac got cramp and screamed like imperial.ac.uk. suffering from tuberculosis, produced and ethnic diversity found in MLB is together was a massive victory over IC ised on the strength in depth of their FC 2nd’s played their first match of the knocked out for a line out, Scott had a little girl so the final fresher came This charity tournament has been a fine 5-3 win in his opening match. established the Series’ champions can in varsity, however it was the 2nd team new squad to continue fighting and season against St Barts 1st’s (Medic the presence of mind and knowledge of on. In the last fifteen minutes IC kept made possible by our sponsors Ethos Fresher Chris Jackson also produced still feel justified in calling themselves they faced in the first game of the new stretched their lead to 8 goals with only Scum). The first ten minutes was all IC the new rules to take a quick line out turning the ball over but couldn’t find a Sports Centre, Sotx and Reaz Vawda. an excellent debut display to win his Air guitar or fencing? the World Champions. season. This fixture has been incred- a quarter remaining. In the last ten with our forwards working it tight with to Fresher Dave, get the ball back and way through with Scott missing a pen- ibly close for the last three seasons minutes, under the threat of the flood- their muster and the backs hitting their score our first try of the season. The alty near the end of the match. with IC edging it every time so both lights being turned off, IC led a spirited lines when they had the ball. All the scum scored again to leave the rain IC 2nd’s can be proud seeing that the sides were fired up for a great start to resurgence, leaving the score 15-10 to scum could do was watch and stare, soaked matched locked at 8-10. previous week the scum had won 69-0 in association with Sports Partnership the season. the medics at the final whistle. and drop the ball every 5 seconds. This IC started the second half with and we are confident that we can hold There was no departure from the Credit goes to both teams for excel- pressure led IC to gain a penalty inside Fresher Rob nailing their fullback as he our own in this league. Andy Mac had Fixtures & Results expectation in the first quarter, the lent play with the ULU season coming the 22, which Scott Greening convert- was kicking for touch. The full-blood- a great first match in charge with the match being closely fought with end so soon after the start of term. Fresh- ed to give IC an early lead. James Mor- ed tackles kept flying from every mem- support of Malcolm. There also great Monday 13th October Men’s 2nd 3-6 Queen Mary Men’s 1st Lacrosse to end with episodes of good play. De- ers Sarah Hancox and Feroza Kassam rison left the pitch at this point com- ber of the team. Five minutes into the performances from the freshers who Netball Women’s 2nd 0-3 Uni of Essex Women’s 1st Men’s 2nd vs University of Surrey Men’s 1st Women’s 1st vs Uni of Portsmouth Women’s 1st spite IC leading 3-1, by the end of the played particularly well in their first plaining it was too tough at prop and second half our replacements came on were all over the pitch giving their all. Women’s 2s ULU 10-15 Imperial Medicals 3s Women’s 2nd 2-3 Portsmouth Women’s 2nd quarter the medics had managed to match for and the rest of the club are was replaced by Andy Dolan. and after two minuets and one tackle Men of the Match went to Scott and Waterpolo Women’s 1st vs Hertfordshire Women’s 1st Men’s 1st vs Uni of Portsmouth Men’s 1st claw it back to go ahead 4-3. looking forward to celebrating a clean The scum started bossing the scrum Fresher Simon left after his cameo. Fresher Ben. Twat of the Match had to Squash Lacrosse Men’s 1st vs Uni of Warwick Men’s 1st In the second quarter the medics sweep of first game victories with them as the ref was blind to their cheating After IC defend their line with mas- go to Fresher Simon for his two minute Men’s 1s ULU 5-0 Imperial College Men’s 2s Women’s 1st 11-8 Uni of Brighton Women’s 1st Basketball Netball found their stride and comfortably ex- in the Reynolds on Wednesday night! on the front and they worked their one sive hits we caught them on the break. cameo. Saturday 18th October Women’s 1st vs TVU Women’s 1st Women’s 1st vs Canterbury Christ Church Wom- Wednesday 15th October Netball Football en’s 1st Badminton Women’s 1st 13-48 Uni of Hertfordshire 1st Men’s 2s ULU vs SOAS Men’s 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs Canterbury Christ Church Men’s 1st Men’s 1st 7-1 Portsmouth Men’s 1st Women’s 3rd vs Brunel University Women’s 5th Crossword No. 1,411 Answers to: [email protected] Women’s 2nd 36-19 Unis at Medway 1st Men’s 3s ULU vs UCL Men’s 4s ULU Fencing Men’s 2nd 3-5 King’s College Men’s 1st Men’s 1st vs University of Sussex Men’s 1st Women’s 2nd vs Uni of Reading 4th Women’s 3rd 12-13 LSE 3rd Men’s 4s ULU vs Imperial College Men’s 5s ULU 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 7 Hello again. The surprisingly long word Women’s 1st 3-5 Uni of Reading Women’s 1st Women’s 1st vs Uni of Bristol Women’s 1st Rugby Across Down list of last week’s crossword meant that Rugby Men’s 6s ULU vs SSEES Men’s 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs Oxford Brookes Men’s 1st 8 I didn’t get a chance to plug the inter- Basketball Men’s 2nd 13-15 St Barts Men’s 1st Football 1 Constantly distorting tinny scales 1 In Mussolini’s forces (7) active online crosswords again. Men’s 1st 50-73 South Bank Men’s 2nd Sunday 19th October Women’s 1st vs University of Surrey Women’s 1st Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Essex Men’s 1st 9 10 (11) 2 Suspicious of everything, I will do so now. www.crossword. Men’s 3rd 27-7 Uni of Sussex Men’s 2nd Football 9 Start typing an edgier sort of insult resourceless Cicero would always info/Enoch should provide you with Women’s 1st 31-36 Roehampton Women’s 1st Women’s 1s ULU vs RUMS Women’s 1s ULU Men’s 5s ULU vs RUMS Men’s 2s ULU Men’s 4th vs Uni of Portsmouth Men’s 4th (9) have both possible answers (5) said interactive versions of all of this Men’s 1st 12-32 UWE Bristol Men’s 1st 10 A museum in Holland to do with 3 Split the community with Easter year’s puzzles. Fencing Lacrosse Men’s 6s ULU vs LSE Men’s 7s ULU Squash 11 12 12 the marines (5) Egg fiasco (9) This week’s offering may be a little Men’s 2nd 130-120 UCL Men’s 2nd Men’s 4th 10-88 Unis at Medway 1st XV Mixed 1s ULU vs St George’s Mixed 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs King’s College Men’s 1st 11 Cheat unsuccessfully to get a 4 Central African holiday at a great easier than the previous two; entirely a Men’s 4s ULU vs King’s Medicals Men’s 3s ULU C; showing a certain amount of distance (6) case of setters’ block that I’m going to Football Squash Monday 20th October Men’s 2nd vs UCL Men’s 2nd prestige (6) 5 Illegally enter health resort, get in a pass off as an act of kindess. Men’s 1st 1-2 Brunel West London Men’s 3rd Men’s 1st 5-0 Uni of Kent Men’s 1st Netball Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Hertfordshire Men’s 3rd 13 14 15 16 12 Non-believer ground to a paste (8) tangle (8) Enjoy! Women’s 1s ULU vs UCL Women’s 2s ULU Men’s 1st vs Roehampton Mens 1st Men’s 3rd vs Queen Mary Men’s 1st 13 Primate renounces aim in 6 Americans? Jerks! (5) Men’s 2nd 2-6 Uni of Greenwich Men’s 3rd Men’s 2nd 5-0 Uni of Hertfordshire Men’s 1st 17 embracing sin (6) 7 Highest of all in an examination (7) Enoch Women’s 2s ULU vs Royal Holloway Women’s 3s Men’s 3rd vs Unis at Medway Men’s 2nd Women’s 1st vs Uni of Sussex Women’s 1st 15 Having run through its paces, can 8 Flying into a storm on all sides: the O L I G O P O L Y C L Y R I C Men’s 3rd 1-11 Unis at Medway Men’s 1st Women’s 1st 4-4 King’s College Women’s 1st ULU get out of tricky situations (8) Roman way (8) 18 19 20 R N P L O A E L Women’s 3s ULU vs St George’s 4s ULU Women’s 1st vs King’s College Women’s 1st 18 Keeps away because of declining 14 Sea-shanty distributor (8) Hockey D I S C A R D S R E V E R S E Women’s 1st 6-3 Roehampton Women’s 1st Men’s 2nd vs King’s College Medicals Men’s 2nd markets (8) 16 Mistakenly claims gin is unique to Table Tennis E I Q T E A S O R Men’s 1st 11-6 UCL Men’s 1st 19 Plan to grow old with defective English culture (9) Squash Table Tennis R U P T U R E D T S T R U N G Men’s 4s ULU 2-3 UCL Men’s 5s Men’s 1s ULU vs UCL Men’s 1s ULU Women’s 1st vs Brunel Women’s 2nd Men’s 1st vs LSE Men’s 1st 21 22 23 24 DNA (6) 17 Standards by which to judge hot air N I E U A O T Y Women’s 1st 1-4 Middlesex Uni Women’s 1st 21 Lives in religious clothing (8) after hypocrite finishes (8) M A D E I B L A Z E R D E L M Men’s 5s ULU 0-0 UCL Men’s 6s Men’s 3s ULU vs RUMS Men’s 1s ULU Men’s 3rd vs Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd Tennis 25 23 Chewing citrus causes facial 18 Birds will do this; getting sexier A R S O T Y T A Men’s 1st vs Brunel West London Men’s 1st Tennis contortions (6) around a straight character (7) K I T A P I G P E N U P L A N Men’s 6s ULU 1-3 King’s Medics Men’s 5s Men’s 1st 10-0 Uni of Reading Men’s 1st Women’s 2nd vs RUMS Women’s 2nd Water Polo 26 27 26 Looks after true friends from all 20 Poison scare in different places (7) E U I Y C D I N Mixed 1s ULU vs UCL Mixed 2s ULU Volleyball directions (5) 22 Simple: as in a ballpoint pen (5) S I M I L E P A S S E M B L Y Men’s 7s ULU 2-2 Goldsmiths Men’s 3s Men’s 2nd 5-5 Roehampton Men’s 1st Men’s 4th vs Uni of Portsmouth Men’s 4th Men’s 1st vs University of London Men’s 1st 27 Rush into diner together to make a 24 Stain that contains itself (5) H B L I E C Y O Wednesday 22nd October delivery (9) 25 Opposed to an organization’s I N R O A D S I F O R W A R D Men’s 1st vs Canterbury Christ Church Men’s 1st 28 Having involuntary spasm after computing department being Hockey Volleyball Badminton 28 F I G N O E N E Men’s 1st 11-2 Uni of Essex Men’s 1st Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Men’s 1st Men’s 1st vs Queen Mary Men’s 1st third degree burn is popular (11) restructured (4) T I L D E A T H E W E A S E L Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only Boat Club dominate

ICBC succeed on home water Christina Duffy order to butch past other crews. It may Saturday in the boathouse. Tickets still crews on the day. This is another win Imperial College Boat Club not be pretty, but it’s fun. available! for Thompson who has been dominat- Just about recovered from the cel- Meanwhile the coxes were seeking ing all summer collecting medals and Three was most definitely the crowd ebrations of winning at Henley, Simon solace in each other and huddling on pots at every race. She was particularly Jack Cornish & last weekend for the 2008 Pair’s Head Hislop teamed up with ICBC’s GB the bank, whispering and tutting at excited at the prospect of the lidded Mustapher Botchway of the River Race. Putney embank- representative Adam Freeman-Pask the navigational errors unfolding while pot prize in this event. There is no mo- Sports Editors ment was a flurry of activity as crews in the senior 1 (S1.2x) cateogory. Not slowly coming to the horrific realista- tivation stronger than the thought of a boated in glorious sunshine and sup- only did they win their category but tion that crews can actually steer and lid and the prospect of the myriad of The season has finally started for with porters positioned themselves along the double was the outright winner of cox themselves. uses for such a device. most teams in action. This week there the course. The 4km processional head the entire head race coming home in In the Elite pairs category (E.2-), ICBC had several entries, all giving are match reports from a whole host of race took place from Chiswick Bridge 11:44.0, solidifying Imperial’s domina- Will Todd and Ole Tietz were inspired gutsy performances. Congratulations clubs. There is news of a charity bad- to Hammersmith Bridge and attracted tion of tideway races. This is 14 sec- by Pasklop and replicated victory in a to all participants and to Adam Seward minton tournament later this month as over 380 boats. The quality of ICBC’s onds faster than the heavily publicised time of 12:27.4. Unassuming and un- who is the unchallenged long-distance- well as a brief overview of the Baseball pre-season training was evident with doubles entry of Olympic kayaking pretentious, Will is reluctant to men- IC-screaming champion. world series. Imperial winning three categories and champion Tim Brabants and Olympic tion his former glory at Henley. This With coxes rounded up and rein- If your club has any match, tour or clocking the fastest time overall. sculler Alan Campbell, who only man- may shock some of you, but he won stalled into the boats it was pub time event reports, make sure you email Pair’s Head is one of the few head ged sixth place on the day. It is highly the Britannia Challenge Cup in 2007. and ICBC made their presence felt them to [email protected] to races where coxes are unscrewed from recommended that the Olympic duo True story. along the embankment. ICBC always stand the chance of it being printed the boat and let out for a few hours. see Steve Trapmore at ICBC if they It was Erica Thompson and Ed- welcomes new members and there are in future issues. Good luck in your The lack of calls for technique in the wish to improve this result. The IC pair mund Bradbury who secured the hat Fresher’s sessions every Wednesday matches and until next week... boat allows the guns to be taken out of are available for a photographic shoot trick for ICBC, winning the senior 3 afternoons at 14:00 and Sunday morn- Ps. The sports league table is almost retirement, and for as much banging and/or an interview and will be sign- mixed doubles (Mx.S3.2x) category in ings at 11:00 at the boathouse. See you upon us! up and down the slide as required in ing autographs at the Toga Party this 12:59.9, faster than many of the men’s there!