WWW. wlusp.om awards for laurier The Simpsons! Marshall Ward

the Cord

2 8 m WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1998 Volume 39 Co ISSUE 1 6 Turret swings both ways

Annual Maclean's ranking hits home

PATRICIA LANCIA "Our numbers are very similar to our reputa- The relatively late release of the magazine work on," said Rosehart. "Maclean's just rein- tion and that speaks of the validity of the reputa- also makes it difficult for students to take the forces what we already know." For the eighth year in a row Maclean's magazine tion survey," said Rosehart. But noting Ryerson's information into account when making their choic- One such area is the out of province students cat- has issued its annual ranking of Canadian univer- low overall ranking (19th out of 21 primarily es. egory in which Laurier ranks 20th. All of the sities, university administrators and current stu- undergraduate universities) and high reputation "A lot of students already have their choice Ontario universities fall in the lower half of this dents. ranking (second overall) it "raises the question of cards in," said Rosehart. "It's potentially losing its category. Laurier held steady, placing fifth for the sec- how relevant input measures are." impact." Cunningham does not see the magazine Despite its reputation for small class sizes ond year in a row. The overall ranking is based on Students' Union President Gareth Cunningham as an accurate representation of universities. Laurier was ranked 17th in first and second year criteria such as the student body, classes, faculty, saw the reputational ranking as "encouraging," "I don't think they do enough investigative class sizes and 13th for third and fourth year. university finances, library holdings, and reputa- but conceded that since research about what's "I don't think any of the Ontario universities tion. corporate CEOs are important at school," he do particularly well in this category," said The quality of Laurier students is among the among the 3,500 people "We look pretty said. Rosehart. best in the country. Laurier has the highest pro- surveyed "a lot of the The Maclean's sur- This is especially true since the issue is tied portion of students entering with averages of influence is probably g00d..." vey then becomes more more to provincial funding than to the universities 75% or higher, the second highest overall enter- from the business of a guide for university themselves. ing grade, and the third largest percentage of stu- school." WLU President Robert Rosehart administrators than for Compared with other universities Laurier is dents who graduate. So how important is prospective students. competing with for students, many of which are Laurier also fared well in the faculty category, the Maclean's ranking to high school students? "In the absence of anything else, ifs the only in the medical/doctoral and comprehensive uni- coming in sixth in faculty with PhDs, and fifth in "I don't think students rely heavily on national comparative data we have," said versity categories, the numbers still paint a strong awards per full-time faculty and social science and Maclean's," said Rochelle McCarthy, a guidance Rosehart. picture. humanities grants. counsellor at Waterloo Collegiate Institute So does the Maclean's ranking affect adminis- "If you split these numbers with the schools Of greatest importance, at least to Laurier "I haven't seen anyone carrying it. It seems to trative level decisions? While the magazine is not we actually compete with, we look pretty good," President Dr. Robert Rosehart, are the reputational be a non-issue," said McCarthy of the university used as a decision-making guide, Rosehart admits said Rosehart. survey results. These indicate the quality of stu- information source. "I'm not saying it's something that emotionally the results are probably always "I think that in the environment we're in right dents the university is putting out rather than the they won't use, but we provide them with a lot of there. now [in Ontario] we've done a good job of rein- inputs measured in the ranking. other options." "There are some areas we know we need to forcing our position," said Rosehart. I LOOK AT THIS: TOMMY HILFIGER ama-A UNBELIEVABLE SELECTION OF xUI lkk J J DRESS, ATHLETIC & HIKERS OnV/LO CC BELOW WHOLESALE PRICES! COME VISIT THE BEST SHOE WAREHOUSE STORE IN WATERLOO 1

• • - - SHOES 22 746-4983 • HOURS Mon. - Wed. 9:30 8:00 Thurs. Fri. 9:30 - 9:00 — | Sat. 9:00- 6:00 »& Sun. 12:00 - 5:00 133 Weber St. N (JUST BEHIND THE DUTCH BOY PLAZA) | |

inion// StudentLife res |] @Sports | Classifieds News Taking the 'rents to court sounds off what is case Mackenzie In believed to be the first of its kind Canada, a Vancouver in KATHERINE HARDING was appointed Commander of the itary action, woman is suing her parents for aban- Obseiver Mission in Central America. soldiers doning her as a teenager. Robyn One of Canada's great military figures vis- In 1992, he was appointed Chief of sometimes Lawrence claims that her parents had a ited Laurier on Tuesday. Staff of the United Nations' Protection use deroga- fiduciary duty to care for her and to love Major General (retd.) Lewis Force in Yugoslavia. Later the same year tory lan- and protect her by offering affection and MacKenzie delivered a lecture on he created and assumed command of guage to guidance. "Canada - The World's Reluctant Hero" Sector Sarajevo, and with a force com- describe Lawrence claims that her parents' as part of the Wilfrid and Marion prising soldiers from 31 countries of their enemy. abused her both mentally and physical- Schweitzer Lecture series to a packed which the Canadian Battle Group was "They may ly until she was removed from them in house at the Maureen Forrester Recital the largest component, opened the have used 1985 and placed in a foster home. Her Hall. Sarajevo airport then' word, life then a since has been maelstrom of "We are the only for the delivery of but put it drug abuse. nation that when "You need an humanitarian aid. into con- Lawrence testified that she had start- 184 countries get Mackenzie went text," ed abusing drugs before she en-tered together and vote into great detail MacKenzie the foster home, but after institution to her parents us number one we about his involve- said. abandoned her she went hardcore immediately apolo- deal with the ment with the "You have experimenting with cocaine, speed, gize," he quipped. Sarajevo opera- to vilify your ecstasy, MDA, and PCP. Lawrence also "It may have tion, an operation enemy," he testified that persevering was not an something to do threat, not that helped to gain later added. option: when she was 10 her father with the awesome him household Be proud her dragged away from the supper table sense of responsi- the reality." name status "Canada is and began punching and kicking while bility that comes across the country. good at this her mother and sister refrained from with that," he said. General MacKenzie He also talked work be- MARTYN intervening; another time, because she "We didn't have to about Canada's cause of our LUKE used the incorrect fork at dinner, go to the Korean War or World War Two now infamous military involvement in national characteristics," he said. casualties and 100 injuries during their was Lawrence forced to eat her supper ...we went and did the right thing." Somalia. He tried to explain, but not He cited our lack of territorial ambi- UN missions. on the floor of the garage with the dog. With the help of his vast experience excuse, some of the deplorable actions tions, our fair and even-handed foreign "Thafs the bill...it's expensive," he If she is successful Lawrence will set in the military, Mackenzie's oration by Canadian soldiers in Somalia. policy and our generous gifts of foreign lamented. a new legal precedent in Canada and described Canada's role and some of his "When they were first deployed they aid combined with good people, as MacKenzie wants Canadians to be scare the hell out of parents who have experiences in the post-cold war era. were operating under Chapter Seven of some of our strengths. proud of the accomplishments this coun- to been judged have abdicated respon- "You need an institution to deal with the UN Charter: to establish law and "When countries come to the UN try has made on the world stage. sibility or voluntarily ended contact with the threat, not with the reality," he said. order and then after the country was needing help we are often chosen ... we "The next time someone tells you their children. In 1990, MacKenzie became only the secured they switched to Chapter Two: are trusted," he said. you are number one, don't apologize. third Canadian in the United Nation's his- assisting with humanitarian aid." "There is a cost to all this though," You earned it and you deserve it,"he tory to command a UN mission when he He explained how in any war or mil- Mackenzie said. Canada has had 16 said. banff Springs Wolf Course Coming together to remember Banff Springs Hotel Golf Course is con- KRISTINA SPENCE Glouster approximately four weeks to Although the crowd murmured vari- large crowd remained focused on the sidering introducing a new hazard - plan and the organizers were happy with ous pleased impressions of the ceremo- presentations. wolves. The area's booming elk popula- On Wednesday, November 11, hundreds the turnout. ny, not everyone was pleased with the "A lot of people planned on being tion has prompted officials to examine of Laurier students participated in the "I was flabbergasted," said Kroeker movement into an artificial environment. there and others who didn't plan on it ecological alternatives to prevent the first major Remembrance Day Ceremony of the number of students in attendance. Staff member Cec Joyal voiced her stayed anyway," said McMurray. nuisance that an extra elk pose. 450 held in the Concourse. Former Dean of Students, Fred concern over the relocation of the cere- Kroeker is currently lobbying for a The elks are coming into conflict Jeffrey Kroeker, student Senator, Nichols, thought the ceremony was very mony due to "inclimate weather." permanent cenotaph site to be estab- with residents of the small community. presided over the half-hour ceremony of well done and commended anyone who "I've been here 12 years and it was lished near the Dr. Alvin Woods Building, Bull elk will chatge during the fell rutting speeches, poem readings, and musical had a part in it. the largest turnout yet, but it would be somewhere within the grassy area just season and female elk have been tributes. "I have conducted this ceremony for sad if we couldn't get a turnout outside," outside the Concourse. He also plans to known to violently protect their young. Welcoming the students, staff, and years and this was superior to any- said ]oyal. organize future Remembrance Day cere- The plan to re-introduce wolves to 25 faculty was Assistant Vice-President: thing did," said Nichols. Despite the location change, the monies at Laurier. the environment has met with skepti- I Student Services David McMurray cism from wolf-experts who contend "Our ceremony today will serve only that the wolfs fear of man means they as a minor reminder to the vast efforts of will not stick around, despite the feet thousands of Canadian men and women that there may be a plethora of elks our fair the MAI who seived nation," McMurray Attacking again around. Other solutions be thor- will said. oughly examined, though, before the great most As McMurray outlined some of the ASADKIYANI ty, great danger, and hope." rate power grab represents the wolf option is acted upon. Clark pushed forward, describing democracy last formalities associated with Remem- the serious threat to in the On Monday, November Waterloo potential for parts of the to we don't any sign that brance Day, he emphasized the impor- 16, MAI affect fifty years and see Stage Theatre played host to the official democracy throughout the world. able or willing to tance of keeping in mind those who had our governments are Canadian launch of MAI Round 2 - The He pointed out a number of the defend our against it," said participated in the wars. that interests New Global and Internal Threats to Clarke. Some monkeys "It is their vast experience and pres- Canadian Sovereignty. Co-authored by The two authors object most strong- ence that we are losing," said McMurray. Maude Barlow and Tony Clarke, the ly to the clauses that would grant cor- and stupid The program progressed with the tra- The global book illustrates the problems associated porations "investor state" status. Some exterminators have interesting ditional reading of "In Flanders Fields" with economic globalization. investor state is a stories. Ottawa exterminator Bill Dow by Graham Gladstone, Chairman of First An transnational Barlow, the National Chairperson for corporate corporation that is granted the legal sta- told the National Post recently that he Year Council, and Matthew Soble trum- the Council of Canadians, and Clarke, tus a in every country was called and charged with the capture peting "Last Post," followed by a of nation-state Director of the Polaris Institute, have power grab that signs the particular trade agree- of a group of snow monkeys who had moment of silence. written Round 2 as a follow-up to ment. This means that host escaped from a local private zoo. After the commemorative wreath was MAI countries their expose of the Multilateral represents the forced directly with compa- When he tracked them down they laid, Stacy Glouster shared her experi- are to deal Agreement on Investment (MAI) written nies if they actual governments. were hold up tight in a group of trees ence of attending the 50th anniversary of as were American company that wanted refusing to budge or stop screaming (as the Second World War in Italy. in 1997. most serious An Both books detail the ways in which to sell gas that contained MMT success- monkeys are apt to do). Dow eventual- Holding back tears, Glouster told the globalization is leading to a redistribu- fully sued the Canadian government. ly had to use some interesting bait-the crowd about the veterans who broke threat to tion of political power from elected gov- MMT is a well-known neurotoxin that is zoo's owner. "The dominant female was down at the grave sites of their fallen ernments to transnational corporations. banned most of Europe, many in heat and was, uh, attracted to the friends and the Italians who belted out democracy in in Barlow discussed how the MAI was states and, until recently, in owner," said Dow. "Once we trapped the the Canadian national anthem in thanks American ended as part of the Organization for Canada. female we got the other ones too." of the Canadian war effort. Economic Cooperation and fifty yeans. as a result of this suit, not Brad Gates, an exterminator from Reverend \fel Hennig then led the However, Development (OECD). only did the government pay millions of Toronto, had another doozy. "One guy crowd in reading a prayer for peace. The MAI was eliminated when sev- MAI clauses are being passed on to dollars in damages, but it also reversed who called us was really concerned that Afterwards, Renee DeSerres played eral countries, notably France, conduct- other international trade agreements its stance on MMT, saying it is perfectly bats were going to nest in his hair. We "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes fol- ed an study and and World Trade Organization. ofcorporations is the arrive at the door and there's a family ol lowed by the eight-piece wind ensemble intensive of it com- the safe. This influence pletely renounced the agreement. In their book, Barlow and Clarke out- driving force the book. Said five, all with plastic shopping bags tied providing accompaniment for the nation- behind attacking the MAI. Clarke, of democracy is under their chins," explained Gates. al anthem. Referring to this success, Barlow line their reasons for "This erosion said, "This is a time of great opportuni- "We believe that the global corpo- what causes the most concern." The ceremony took Kroeker and

2 November 18,1998 n

Laurier shines internationally Board Report Students beware: open forum, open season

DAVID LABERGE students - that is, representatives from Renovations to the Athletic Complex, regional high schools. although in the very preliminary stages Students beware: the Students' Union The topics will be left up to the atten- of development, was an issue that was Board of Directors is aiming to pack the dants, but what the Board is interested discussed during this abridged Board Paul Martin Centre with students on in hearing is the main currents of student Meeting. November 26 for this year's Open Forum. thought. In other words, what is going Not so much new additions, but "[Board Members] will stake out through students' minds at this very more revamping will be the approach popular student locations to find out: moment. All students are encouraged to taken toward improving the AC. what are the issues? What concerns are come out and participate. Currently, there is a bit of imbalance out there?," said Director Chetan Bhanot. The November 12 Board Report was regarding facilities for males and If three Directors confront you in the Aird refreshingly brief due to the Canadian females. Seventy per cent of space is Centre elevator, do not be alarmed! Heritage meeting, which delayed the allocated for the males, while only 30 The Open Forum will be a large dis- beginning of the Board meeting, and per cent is for female use. The University cussion involving today's Laurier stu- late classes which many Directors had to is assessing costs regarding renovation dents, graduates, and even prospective run to. and architect plans. Acting fast to resolve computer dilemma JAMES MUIR Damanis commented that the speed of is needed: communication, public rela- the decision is a reflection of the com- tions, work space, attitudes and, pro- Dominating the discussion at last week's mitment the board has to the volunteers. duction tools. Student Publications (WLUSP) Board of "This way the volunteers can see the Keystone editor Luxmen Aloysius Directors meeting was the immediate results of their input right away," said was also on hand to provide a Keystone CONTRIBUTED purchase of a new computer. Damanis. update. Aloysius explained that there President Steve Metzger touched on have been a number of scanner prob- PHOTO items during his report and mentioned lems, most attributable to the feet that KATHERINE HARDING For their debut, Laurier was the onlyhi——mmiiNiiiiiiniiiiiiiiii information gleaned from the recent "Volunteers the Keystone must "wait in line to use Canadian university to proceed to the WLUSP open form. From this informal the scanner." At this time Borek Four Laurier business students have semi-finalist round. Laurier eventually discussion the board ascertained that can seethe explained that he had been examining proven that they can compete with the lost out to American school Carnegie- computers have become an issue. options for the purchase of a new scan- best of them. Mellon University that eventually went Owing to the fact that some of the com- ner. The fourth year business students on to win the competition. puters are ridiculously out of date, results of their At this idea Damanis said, "didn't we and their coach and business professor "We were going in with our eyes Director John Damanis suggested that a get a new scanner last year?" The direc- Kenneth Harling were semi-finalists at closed... we didn't know what to new state-of-the-art computer be pur- Input right tor could not understand the logic of the Electronic Data System Case expect," said team member Joe chased immediately. such a recent technology purchase being Competition held in Piano, Texas Thompson. "We now know we can com- Metzger suggested waiting a week to away." immediately replaced. November 4-7. pete with any of those guys, especially examine all options including purchasing Metzger, Aloysius, and Borek The Laurier contingent competed if we were in the competition six to less expensive, older computers as a John Damanis explained that scheduling conflicts, scan- against 47 other teams from 10 coun- seven years." way of lessening the expense of the ner efficiency, and a completely digital tries including France, Mexico and New Thompson said second place finish- technology purchase. Damanis explained Metzger said he was "very pleased" yearbook might necessitate a new scan- Zealand. er Berkeley University has more than that two computers must be replaced with the Open Forum on Student ner. Later it was revealed that the exist- Getting to Texas was no small feat 200 students apply to be on their case with high-end technology and saw no Publications issues. The informal meet- ing scanner was obtained free with one though. Three of the team members, competition team yearly. use in waiting a week since this was the ing provided the opportunity for many of last years computer purchases. Reagan Ruslim, Joe Thompson and "The best thing about this competi- inevitable decision. volunteers to provide input on the direc- In closing, Director Sue Portelance Leslie Berger, first read about the com- tion is that it proved that Laurier can The motion was made and unani- tion and immediate concern of the cor- Elections Council met petition in Canadian Business Magazine compete with any business school in mously passed by the board much to poration. He enumerated the various and determined the date for the joint two years ago and since then have the world successfully," said Thompson. the satisfaction of all WLUSP volunteers. areas of discussion where improvement WLUSP/Students' Union elections. campaigned heavily to be able to enter "Sometimes we may not think this is a Laurier team. one of the best business schools in the Traditionally, the competition only world, but we are," he added. invites two Canadian universities to par- The team has made a bid to host ticipate (McGilt and Queen's), but this the Canadian EDS Case Competition at year Laurier was invited to come along. Laurier this spring. Sexy but

LARRY'S "Tan without Sand" at no lace. HAIR DESIGN SUN-SATIONS f| n\ mm, 747-5563 (0150 w ftUO VJOS€ PI€WIUS) 885-0080 10%off with student 220 KING ST. N. 220 King St. N. UNIT J (FACING REGINA ST.) I- Waterloo WATERLOO, ONTARIO (above Larry's Hair Design) Unisex styles. Women's size 6 up to Men's 131/2. •,aCome slip on a pair and enjoy dry and comfortable feet. Any tougher they'd rust. R^shredlll WHH 'SH|im we We only sell what Exclusively in Waterloo at O *"> can't chink ourselves 133 Weber Street N. 746*4983 J 22

November 18,1998 3 Opinion

the Cord Bettering the BOD I am a Laurier Student. A proud Laurier student for the promotion of non-academic life. The effect whether or not to keep the boardroom doors "The tie that binds since 1926" studying political science. I came to this universi- is a veiy clouded job for the 15 elected directors. open and how to give reports on hiring have ty three years ago with the high hopes of getting With pressure coming from infinite stakeholders, wasted directors' time. As a result, many students involved in student government. where do they find direction? have turned away from attending the ever so With optimistic views of year, Students' Union initiated the important meetings. A Wilfrid Laurier University Student Publication utilitarian, neo-liber- Last the al beliefs, began my short-lived quest to work Strategic Planning process. The goal was to To compound the problem, directors have University Avenue West, I 75 for the cause of student rights. With increasing develop a long-term plan that would carry the attempted to fulfill their representative role and Waterloo, Ontario, N2L 3C5 public placed on all lev- Union into the future. to facilitate the have undertaken some private projects. This has (519) 884-0710 ext. 3564 pressure governments in Attempting Fax: (519) 883-0873 els for a more accountable democratic process, needs of as many students a possible, I had the been conducted in conjunction with the Board's Advertising: (519) 884-1970 ext. 3560 budgets were stressed to incorporate deficit-cut- opportunity to sit on the planning committee, interview functions. In October, this caused an e-mail: [email protected] ting measures. representing their views. uproar with the co-ordinators in the union, feel- www.wlusp.on.ca/TheCord/ Immediately, universities were seeing their After endless meetings, discussions and ing the Board was overstepping their bounds I funding decrease rapidly. What this created for forums, we formulated the WLUSU Mission and entering into the management side of the union. Thank God we got students, were soaring tuition costs and an over- all increase in the cost of education. In the last What happened to the direction the mission this new computer, four years, for example, tuition has increased statement was going to provide to the Board? Laurier students in policies, red I was goingKoo-Crackee. almost 40%. OSAP and part-time jobs became Intermingled redundant tape the buzzwords of the day. and dry procedural matters, the Board has lost a Ben Harris, losing control of Doom and gloom for the cash strapped need a BOD that sense of purpose. A shake up of this most the English language Laurier students, or an opportunity of a lifetime? important decision making body is needed. Out of the darkness, the cause of student rights will fight for their Essentially, Laurier students need a BOD that in the foce of mounting hostility from a Tory gov- will fight for their rights, hear their concerns deal- Editorial Board ernment presented itself. . ing with academic and non-academic issues and Editor-ln-Chief Benedict J. Ham's rights. I ran for the Board of Directors. work with the university administration. Opinion Editor R.W. Hickey The big issues concerning a wider focus need News Editor Patricia Lancia The BOD of the WLU Students' Union serves only if Associate News Editor James Muir as the official representation for the undergradu- Statement. Boldly displayed on a plaque in the more attention. This will happen the stu- Entertainment Editor Tim Durkin ate population at Laurier. They work hand in SU board room, the mission statement declares dent executive and the Board work together in Associate Entertainment Editor Danielle Fielder hand with the elected President and Vice it will meet its members needs by providing qual- good faith. Sports Editor Jeff Schouela President of University Affairs and also with the ity setvices, effectively representing students' Intra-Union politics is counter productive and Associate Sports Editor Michael KostofF remaining four hired VPs. How the BOD differs interests and promoting the enhancement of the will ultimately lead to the downfall of the advo- Feature Editor Tony Tsai from the student executives is they serve as an WLU community. Further, this statement provided cacy function of the union. Only then will the Student Life Editor Janette Roy overseeing role in the governing of union activi- a map of sorts to the directors of the future. Students' Union be able to "meet its members Oliver International Editor Martin ties and as a check and balance on the advoca- Since September, when full time classes needs..." Arts Page Editor Chadwick C Dietrich cy functions of the union. began, the Board has sat weekly to discuss the OLIVER MARTIN Production Manager Sarah Schiefer All sounds good; however, there exists a root many issues presented to it. Discussions involv- INTERNATIONAL EDITOR problem of competition between business and ing a new computer system for the union and a union activities. The Students' Union is a busi- potential referendum concerning the beverage The Cord Online The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the Webmasters Florin Negoita ness, with business functions, but also serves as exclusivity issue on campus are examples. author, and do not reflect those of The Cord Staff, the edi- Paul Wellhauser a student advocacy organization and a medium At times however, such trivial debates as torial board, or WLUSP. Cord Staff Classified Coordinator Jordan Fumess Production Assistants Allison Bone Katherine Hardifig Tricia Granville Letters to the Editor Wendy Li Sarah Ridley and quite possibly each patty would be better off believe we should allow Clark to try his Harpreet Mandur Meagan Ross I Joe once The point is that Copy Editors Chris Tracy Here come the if one was united with the other. However, before hand at leadership again. Krissy Smith Angela Peters this venture could ever become possible, several before we dive head first into a merger with the Sarah Vemon Kristina Spence Sun Pioneers key issues must be reviewed. Reformers it would serve us well to think it The newly elected leader of the Conservative through so that one day in the near future, the may Ottawa and govern Dear Editor, party, Joe Clark, stands firmly in his belief that he Conservatives return to the we see fit. Student Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman kicked off the wants nothing to do with the Reformers. way party has Publications Staff Greenpeace Solar Pioneers' Project with an unveil- Clark believes Preston Manning's last Photo Manager Luke Martyn ing of solar panels at Toronto City Hall on peaked and the United Alternative is merely a Jeff Petican Systems Administrator Rob Borek ditch attempt to halt their erosion from the September 17, 1998. Advertising Manager Angela Foster The Solar Pioneers campaign in Canada and national scene. Clark believes Canada does not Ad Sales Representatives vacant the Netherlands is promoting the use of small need another opposition party, rather Canada Even monkeys Ad Production Manager Jen Roberts would be much better off with another govern- Production Kipfer solar rooftop energy systems. They were original- Ad Assistants Jason ment. Melissa Bien ly developed in the Netherlands and make solar need love Beyond their stronghold in B.C. and Alberta, Public Relations Coordinator Karen Torpwadince rooftop energy affordable for the first time. Reform have one anywhere east of Electricity from the solar panels flows through a does not MP Dear Editor, and it Administration power cord and into an ordinary wall socket. the Ontario-Manitoba border does not Beyond the physical needs of the human being, appear they are to or any- President Steve Metzger I would like to see something like this applied about anytime soon those being food water and shelter, there is a where into the that It VP: Finance Michael Blake to WLU, or to any other building for which this Maritimes for matter. is welt fourth, a metaphysical requirement. a striving govern a Board of Directors Holly Wagg system would be beneficial. If anyone is interest- known that party to without And this thing is called love. And it is a need Sue Portelance Brian Carey significant presence in is ed, please call 1-800-320-7183 for more informa- Ontario and Quebec because even monkeys need love. And there are Michelle MacDonald John Damanis in an exercise in futility. tion on becoming a Solar Pioneer. indulging those who will point to individuals who have no Melissa Csikasz although ideologies of the Sincerely, Furthermore, the need for love, who have renounced it and exist in two parties are to the right of the political spec- The Cord will not print anything that is racist, sexist, or homophobic in nature, as spite of themselves. But I say when we cease to voting print anything there are greatly deemed by the staff as a body. The Cord will not in violation Eric Davis trum, several that differentiate seek love, we cease to be monkeys. of its Code of Ethics, outlined in The Cord Constitution. Cord subscription rates are the two from each other. One particular that has $20.00 per term for addresses within Canada. The Cord is printed by Hamilton Web Of that thing they call the truth, I know very Printing. All commentary is strictly the opinion of the writer and does not necessari- never sat well with me is Reform's policy on this or WLU Publications, little. But of what I pretend to know of it, I ly reflect that of the Cord staff, the editorial board, Student very equalization. In itself, equalization is a hold truest: no one can be human until they are dark rules OK for- Contributors Joe Canadian policy and any politician who looks a monkey. a long and prosperous career in Ottawa Tom Mac Kay, Andrew White, Raiman Dilag, Ross ward to Sincerely, would never oppose it. Reform does. In my opin- Bullen, Fox Interactive, Bryan Geiger, Rachel Reid, Dear Editor, Asad Kiyani, Sheri Cooper, David Laberge, Michelle ion, this is totally incompatible with the A Rebuttal to: "Wake Up Joe Clark": In the Sam Varteniuk Arbuckle, Nathan Hatton, Amy Neufeld, Irwin Potter- Conservative party. November 11 issue of The Cord, Chris Schafer Freely, Ride Thisnake, ween, Luxmen Alooishiss, pointed out some obvious characteristics of both Utters policy: Stephen Williams, gimme some pop! want pop! iden- I I • signed submitted the author's name, student the Reform Party and the federal Conservatives. All letters must be and with have enough money for the pop! more pop! we need tification number, and telephone number. Mr. contended that for either one of the to share pop! you buy pop and will shay-yer! Pop Schafer • All letters will be printed with the author's name. Letters can be printed with- is for shay-yering! Thank you the nest on my head. parties to ever have a significant enough presence out the author's name with permission from the EIC. Pop! more pop! even more shitty shits shitty scans of in Ottawa to form the majority party, one will not • The Cord comes out on Wednesdays. Letters must be received by Tuesday shit, swearing, awkwardly true sexual jokes, This lit- be able to do it without the other. at 12:30, on disk, or via e-mail at 22cordOmach1.wlu.ca. • easily legible, spaced not exceed tle space is so fucking big when you have to fill it In other words, the Reform party and the Letters must be typed or double and Can with dumb crap like this. Form fitting bumb-jugs, Conservatives unite into a Alternative 300 words. must United be • water - (it's sweet, ambrosia), press releas- reserves the right to edit any letter. Spelling and grammar will Union like opposition party if they ever hope of breaking the The Cord and their succinctness, inside-jokes, headline king corrected. es on that is Liberal grip Ottawa. • part, in Jimmy, Heatherm it seems, sucks ass. The Cord reserves the right to reject any letter; In whole or In Well, I do not deny this may be inevitable, of existing Cord policies. Ass I tell you. violation

4 November 18,1998 r 0

More Importantly

These governments don't make the and keep a job if you couldn't afford a lem whose cause is simple. People are anything, you're dead wrong. We can't Ignorant connection between their cuts to social hair cut, shoes, clean clothes, an alarm homeless because they do not have afford not to. It's cheaper to house a housing and homeless women and chil- clock, transportation, couldn't provide homes. It sounds ridiculously simple, person year around on social assistance Myths dren on the streets. They don't see the an address or telephone number and doesn't it? than pay for only a few trips to the connection between closing mental relied on a soup kitchen across town for The only way to end homelessness emergency room to treat frost bite. THOMAS MAC KAY health care hospitals and an increase of is to invest in social housing and social Homelessness results in lower quality of the mentally ill who are homeless. Or setvices. In other words, completely life for everybody, increased crime, lower Recently, the cities of Toronto and they do, and they just don't care. reverse the direction taken by Hams. property values and higher health care Any will Homelessness Harris justifies cuts to welfare and pub- costs. Ottawa have declared homelessness a hostel volunteer tell you the housing of the More importantly, Ontario real- national disaster. The organizers of homeless include many single mothers lic because perceived must ize that these efforts hoped governments would with children, laid off hospital workers, is a national fraud and misuse. What most people do "poor bashing" is reckless and provide aid similar to that of the former civil servants, many physically not realize is only about three percent of intolerable. Currently, it's more politically Manitoba flood victims. and mentally challenged and seniors. disaster. welfare cases are fraudulent, and in correct than racial prejudice, but it is just Unfortunately, Premier Mike Ham's Recent reports confirm that the richest Canada only 9% of welfare recipients as costly and dangerous to society. many and the federal Liberals are taking are getting wealthier while the poor and are on welfare for more than three years. While "poor bashing," do not real- in advantage ofthe voters underlying prej- middle classes are getting poorer, push- your lunch. Harris bends facts and implies wide- ize that one three Canadians will udice against the poor. This prejudice ing more Canadians into poverty. Currently, hostel spaces are being spread financial mismanagement based experience poverty at some point in was substantiated through Hams' agen- Often, people perceive the homeless opened to accommodate more home- on one or two examples to justify end- their working career. da of promoting hatred ofthe poor dur- as lazy and not wanting to work. Think less this winter. This is a short-term ing social housing. I guess they never consider they about difficult be find solution long prob- If we can't may in one ing the '95 election. how it would to 'Band-Aid' to a term you think afford to do be that cardboard box day. Tuned Out

losing touch with their college buddies, end is not the end of our socialization. The value of and workmates were all they had left. We cannot find deep meaning at work, We don't value community enough, nor will it come at a bar or a professional community and so we don't try to create it. When we organization. We may not be able to find say "community," we all too often refer it at all. We may have to create it. ANDREW WHITE to housing developments. Sometimes, This is the time for you to discover we mean groups of people that are geo- what you mean when you say "commu- Underneath my brand-new, attractively graphically dispersed, tied together by nity." When you make that discovery, laminated degree sits a stack of news- one common interest. That interest weigh it against your knowledge of what papers, books and note pads covered in doesn't even have to be a defining part you want to do in this life. URLs. This intimidating stack is the of a member, just there at all. Measure it up against the things you "career file." In it are lists of firms and Even more frequently, we mean the do now that make you feel empty, and agencies looking for people with my skill way that people share information... the things that make you feel satisfied. set. gossip. "Word in the community is that Once you've done that, figure out if None you've or it The demand for my skills — despite they're a hom'ble employer." of got it now, if you can have what I've been assured by guidance this can satisfy the desire we have as here. If not, leave. If so, grab hold.

counselors and BBAs — is high. Salaries people to be a meaningful part of a My parents are in their 50's. They are good. meaningful thing. just let go, and are off to where they will I'm set. But I'm not happy. My unhap- I'm not saying this to frighten you. find their community. piness comes from a single comment a But there will come a time in all our lives I have one hand still holding here, friend made two years ago. We were sit- when staggering across a bar, under the and one hand reaching for the next ting in Wilfs before going to the class we influence of whatever poison is least thing, somewhere where I can really find TA'd, when a woman I knew came up expensive, and slurring a vague greeting my place. to the table, hugged me, talked for a bit, is just not going to cut it. I hope I, and everyone else around then moved on. My friend looked at me We have to guard against allowing me, do not spend the next 30 years try- HAVE and said "Enjoy that now, 'cos when you this time in our lives, ensuring that it's ing to pry that other hand loose. graduate, it is going to become infinite- ly harder to meet people." Despite my dislike for many of the things considered an integral part of uni- versity life, it is still sad to think of leav- ing this place. And the sadness comes entirely from a fear of losing community. Eflß^HßEoly When I worked for about two years in marketing, the people in the company formed my social circle. We had lunch. We grabbed a drink Friday afternoons on our way home. But it wasn't community. We only sell what we We didn't have common interests. We had a common skill set that pulled us together from 9am til spm. Any other can't drink ourselves interaction arose from the desperation of the middle-aged realizing that they were wSr^M^W ■ L Why not take the bus BUY SELL to work? TRADE ' AT THE AREA'S LARGEST SELECTION OF USED CDS

WE OFFER THE MoST^fll^ |: 0 R YOUR USED CDS

hiravelcuis 385 Fairway Road St., 402 King Street N., 415 Hespler Road, 23 Wellington Road E„ £WUwt J KITCHENER WATERLOO CAMRRIDGE GUELPH £xj?m£ & (Canadian.Tire Plaza) (Between Harvey's Burger King) (Across from McDonald's) (Across from Wendy's) Student Union Building, 886-8228 893-2464 884-7376 622-7774 823-5341

.V

November 18,1998 ( 5 International Thank God for McChicken RAIMAN DILAG to stay, and the next several days are Canadian Thanksgiving going to consist of pavement pounding in Grenoble. "Thafs going to be so exciting Raiman!" in the quest for a home. Simple things The other day, as I "Wow, what an opportunity that will be!" like making a phone call or approaching sat at the window look- These were the words of my friends and an information desk suddenly have a ing up at the historical family before my departure. What a tran- stress level equivalent to the first time Bastille with my sition I'm seeing. From Hero to Zero in you asked someone out on a date! baguette, Brie and bot- less than 24 hours. I'm here in the You become accustomed to the tle of Bordeaux, I real- Southeast portion of the country at what many blank stares people offer when ized I haven't felt so we call the gateway to the Alps. This is you ask for help, and suddenly you real- alive in ages. New expe- my initial report from beautiful and cul- ize that perhaps you should have spent riences rejuvenate the turally shocking Grenoble, France. more time in French class and less time spirit and the senses. It seems easy enough, eh? Take the at the Second Cup. But after negotiating They remind you of why French lessons from your OACs and WLU, a lease and utilities, suddenly your con- we need to reach out then fly out to another country and voila, fidence starts to return, and you uncurl and then step out of our you're internationalized. Well, it isn't from that fetal position that's become all comfort zone, just like quite that Breaker High simple now is it? too comfortable. You realize that maybe learning to ride a bike or Myself, I'm used to the culture shock things will get better. Perhaps you'll roller blade, we all fall of leaving home to live in different places become used to the toilets with no and get a few scrapes, across North America. Yet this is different. seats. Suddenly comprehension sets in, but the rewards are PHOTO We spend so much time being babied and you're only half lost. Soon you see always worth it. FILE and catered to at Laurier. I thought OSAP others who have just arrived and with I have new respect lines were complicated. The administra- compassion you realize you're now an for those international students who may be second nature to us may not Consider an exchange, you won't tive bureaucracy of France is like nothing expert and can help them. venture out to attend Laurier. To do so come so easily to others, so if you can, regret it. I've ever seen. I thought doing House But as all exchange students will tell isn't easy. The simplest things, like tak- offer assistance. Council proposals or writing WLUSU poli- you, it does get better. After making it ing the bus or figuring out how currency What goes around comes around, Editor's Note: This report is going to be cies was red tape enough. This country through the first week, or La Semaine works, can become an ordeal when and I'm grateful there have been those a regular section for the International is the Kingdom of Paperwork! I'm learn- d'Enfer{Hell Week) as I call it, things do combined with all the other elements of willing to help me here. However, I'm section. Raiman is a Cord correspondent ing to be a very patient man while I'm improve. After being here for two weeks, culture shock. happy to announce there is at least one in France, and will be writing updates here. I've already made tonnes of friends from Ifyou meet one of our exchange stu- constant in my life. about his travels and studies in Europe. Trying to find housing has been an France to Russia to the U.S. And after dents, take the time to ask them how Throughout all the ordeals and all If you are heading on an exchange next adventure in itself. Imagine this, you being in my apartment for less than a they're settling in. Speak clearly, and be the challenges, as culturally ignorant as semester, consider writing for Cord arrive in a foreign country, dragging your month, IVe already hosted two parties, understanding if they don't seem to it may seem... a McChicken in France, is International. luggage knowing you don't have a place and have been the official host for comprehend immediately. Things that still a McChicken! E-mail [email protected].

& The Holly & Ivy Emporium a UN council & security November 17 18

8:30 - 4:30 in tke Concourse At the heart of the United Nations is the Many know of its existence and basic form the rest of the council. These seats but what is come from the nations of the General Jewelry - Woodcrafts - Stained Glass ever mysterious and powerful Security function, the Security Council. In a recent vote of the General Council? Assembly and are voted on yearly. * Christmas and more! Jf Gifts Assembly, Canada was granted a two The Security Council has the primary Although, these nations do not have a year seat on the prestigious decision responsibility, under the UN Charter, for "veto" power, like the permanent mem- making body, which ended a long cam- the maintenance of international peace bers, they still contribute fully to the paign by our government. and security. When a complaint concern- council's debate. ing a threat to peace is brought before it, Under the Charter, all members of the the Council's first action is usually to rec- UN agree to accept and carry out the ommend to the parties to try to reach decisions of the Security Council. Unlike agreement by peace- other branches of the ful means. In some UN which make rec- cases, the Council ommendations to itself undertakes governments, the investigation and Security Council mediation. When a alone has the power dispute leads to to make decisions fighting, the Security which Member Council immediately States are obligated tries to bring about under the charter to an end to the con- carry out. flict. They do this by Recent decisions issuing cease-fire made by the Council directives in some include the establish- cases, and in others they send peace- ment of a tribunal to hear cases involv- keeping forces to help reduce tensions in ing abuses to human rights and crimes t the troubled areas. against humanity in Rwanda, and medi- Major The membership of the Council ation of the dispute in the Kosovo region revolves around a system of permanent of Yugoslavia. and non-permanent seats. At its incep- During the month of February, tion in 1947, the US, Britain, France, Canada will be handed the role of presi- in music. Russia and China were given permanent dent of the Council. This job rotates of it as seats on the Council. monthly according to the English alpha- Think higher learning. To supplement these five nations, 10 betical listing of the members. rotating on a year basis Source: United Nations homepage As Canada's largest music site; Jam! Music is like getting other seats two a backstage pass inside the music industry every day. With a focus on Canadian music and all the news about your favourite acts, Jam! Music features concert listings |H across Canada, Sound Scan Charts, the Canadian Music Index, a full Artist Archive database, new album reviews, BMEgjB B the Anti-Hit list, newsgroups, release dates, live chats, H Ha concert and album reviews, Indie Band listing, contests, I photo galleries, the Question of the Day and more. 'MUSIC I I Think of this site as the part of you, education that RESTAURANT I redefines the rop Quiz. www.canoe.ca/JamMusic ■Monday night - buy 11b wings - get 11b FREE (after 8pm) I online. And it JI4!.MJ n It's rocks. - •Wednesday 2 for 1 fajita 607 King St. West I Kitchener, Ont. N2K 1C7 I 744-7557 ■

| November 18,1998

6 Student Life Weight loss worth waiting for sucking larger person NATHAN HATTON favour of aesthetics. Any low calorie fad loss." Basically what these companies of the weight back. wind before the a diet will probably do more harm to you are doing is setting you up for a fall. The By losing a huge amount of weight breaks sweat. reflect the in a very short period, these test cases Forget these stupid fads. Commit "Give us a week and well take off the than good. In depriving your body of cases presented usually haven't had time to do the most impor- yourself to a healthier diet (not a fed weight." Slogans like this, promising mir- calories, your metabolism doesn't just tant thing: commit themselves to a diet) and a regular exercise program. If acle weight loss in short periods of time bum fat, the muscle goes as well. Both healthy lifestyle. All they've done is tem- you were never the athletic type (what- dominate our popular media. In the past store energy, and your body has no way Any drastic energy in porarily committed themselves to drink- ever that is) it doesn't matter. Almost any few decades, North American Society has of differentiating the stored ing a shake. person can find some sort of physical become a dieting society. Eveiy year one from the energy stored in the other. change to Many who fall for these diets neglect activity at which they excel, or at least offers new diets that will turn you from a Any drastic change to your diet can component of all- enjoy for its own sake. Despite recent mountain of flab into a lean mean wreak havoc on your internal chemistry. the most important your diet exercise. Even if they do lose attacks of sports in this newspaper, play- machine. There's the catabolic diet, If you don't think this is true, just ask a regular unless they had severe weight ing a game of racquet ball or pick-up which according to its creator, "actually long-time vegetarian what happens after weight, can wreak before (and most dieters do soccer with friends can make getting fit works three times faster than starva- they eat a steak... not fun! problems not) - it necessarily make them a lot more fun than pedaling away in tion." There are the little pills that dis- If you watch any one of those diet doesn't havoc on it just makes them skinnier. solitude on an exercycle. From my expe- solve in your stomach and expand into commercials that offer testimonies of healthier, Never confuse being thin with being rience, it takes about three weeks to get a low calorie goop. If that doesn't do it people losing 100 lbs. or some other healthy. There are plenty of people who into the habit of exercise, so if you can for you, there are all sorts of other pills tremendous amount of weight, keep your internal weight" myth, stick it out for that period of time, you're and powders to choose from. Really des- your eye on the bottom of the screen. may fit the "ideal body their free time on the over the hump and on your way to bet- perate? Try diuretics! They'll pump that You may need a magnifying glass and an chemistry. but spend all re-runs and ter health. Try it for three weeks and if silly, useless water out of you in no time! Evelyn Wood speed reading course to couch watching Seinfeld cigarettes a Put you like the results, you are no worse We've become a society too catch it, but invariably there is a mes- results of about 1% of those using the smoking a pack of day. over- off. You can only win with a plan and a obsessed with quick fixes, having lost sage to the effect of "Weight losses vary. product. You're also not shown the after- them against many apparently little will. sight of the goal of being healthy in Cases do not reflect average weight after photo, in which the person gains all weight people on a track, and they'll be yP2t$2P jMSISk where o uS&l oooMW Sagitarrians' sexy to legs and tactlessness hang MICHELLE ARBUCKLE Astrological Outlook For Thursday, November 19 1999 MBA Orientation to Career Services Between mid-February and very late June Career Services Sagittarian's Personality you can expect to be lucky in matters of p.m. The Sagitarrian is often regarded as love, romance and creativity while Jupiter 11:45 a.m.-i2:45 being a vety optimistic and freedom-lov- transits your fifth House. Uranus and Poetry Reading ing person. Your enjoyment of life and Neptune will dominate your 3rd and 4th April Bulmer, reading from her book The Weight of sense of humour is charming but can get houses for most of the year, bringing Wings out of hand at times. Being one of the some unwanted changes relating to Grad dual signs of the zodiac, you give versa- short trips and your ability to communi- House p.m. tility which may lead to the tendency to cate. In mid-April you will find yourself 7:00 Stags £ Birthdays move too quickly from one task to looking at loved ones in a different way Friday, 20 another. Giving all of yourself to a project and begin to understand their actions. November Nancy University of Guelph: as is often difficult as there are so many Mid-May is a good time to take a look at Dr. Tout "Antibodies Tools for the Screening Detection and other things that you feel you must some herbal medicines and later in the Quantitation of and Organic Contaminants in the accomplish. Challenge is a major aspect month you may benefit from helping oth- Pesticides Environment' in the Sagitarrius Sun. Your tendency to ers. June is a time to think of rebuilding be straightforward and truthful may be a bond with a loved one that may be N1044 p.m. mistaken for tactlessness. slacking. July will be a time of intense 2:30 change and growth and you will find November Best Colours yourself asking questions you thought Monday, 23 Dr. Tony Clarke, Founder and Director of the Polaris Rich purples and dark blues were already answered. August is a time institute and UW's Stanley Knowles Visiting Planet to hide your money away until your 1998 Professor in Canadian Studies: "Corporate Influence Jupiter career is highlighted in September. Health Promotion: A Betryal ofPublic Interest' Flowers October, November and December all and Forrester Recital Hall Dandelions and carnations invite a healthy and rewarding lifestyle. Maureen p.m. Erogenous Zone Try not to take too much for granted and 7:00 |» S-Sat. Your soul believe in yourself. Best Feature Tuesday, November 24 Stagettes & Wrthdays Ron Grimes, Religion and Culture: "Initiation Ritual: Sexy legs Love Day : November 23 6 bridge Street KHetar Ontario Fantasies and West Lucky Day Health: September Realities." 3 Paul Martin Centre, p.m. Thursday Money: August 11 7:30 744-6587 hit Ready mode for $20iiiiifior less, or customize your own l|f jj] Birthdays Special scmeone Christmas gifts Exam stress^

Interac now accepted! noon-Bpm

November 18,1998 7 Feature

A Retrospective At a Television Look Simpsons [ Legacy

ROSS BULLEN the sand one-liners and sight gags, comedic gems every one. Every generation has at least one major However, like all good things, this cultural influence that affects the way comic juggernaut could not go on forev- that they think, laugh, and what they er. In recent years the writers at The expect as the model of excellence in Simpsons have taken the show into dan- entertainment. Back in the 70's "All In gerously unfunny waters. The Family' was a huge influence that It has become increasingly obvious broke tons of preconceived television that they are exhausted of any really barriers. In the Bo's various shows good ideas and that they are grasping at brought comedy to new heights (my per- straws. Where did they go wrong? sonal favourite perhaps being the earth- Obviously there has been some turnover ly adventures of one Gordon Shumway, of talent in the writing department, but aka. ALF). is it really so drastic that the show has Here in the 1990'5, several cases sunk this far? I don't know. could be made for which T.V. show is What I do know is that the strategy worthy of the top spot on our cultural that The Simpsons' writers have notchboard. Is it Seinfeld with it's inge- employed is a remarkably poor one. nious storylines, dry wit and memorable More and more often they have catch-phrases? Or maybe Friends, one of come to rely on celebrity appearances to the first (and definitely the funniest) supposedly boost ratings and provide show to explore "our" generation (even laughs-a-plenty. though most of the characters are sup- In the past when The Simpsons had posed to be about ten years older than celebrities on, it was either relevant to many of us)? Maybe even Frasier, cer- the episode (for example, Buzz Aldrin in tainly the cleverest show to appear in the NASA episode) or it was just quirky many years. I don't think any of them enough to be eccentrically appealing really qualify. (say, Ernest Borgnine in the River Rafting Those shows, enjoy them though I episode, or Adam West). may, simply cannot compete with The In the newer episodes, Celebrities Simpsons. are either there simply for the sake of The Simpsons is the only show that having some famous people on the is, for the most part, enjoyed exclusively show (the recent Alec Baldwin and Kim by people from our generation. Almost Basinger stinkeroo) or to appear as a everybody's parents watch(ed) Seinfeld new character, who will -senselessly- or Fraser and many of them watch be a four-letter word. You see, for the last Before I begin to thoroughly dissect All-out satire: never return (Helen Hunt as Moe's girl- Friends, too. two or three (maybe even four) years what is wrong with the Simpsons, I The local Republican party being friend). Sure enough those shows have their The Simpsons have been in a terrible believe an excursion is necessary to located at a haunted mansion or, on the Which raises another point: How influence on us (did you ever notice the state of decline. Much like the Roman explain what used to be so right about other hand, Grandpa Simpson explaining badly do we need an entire episode increasing number of people with a empire they have spread themselves out them. that the reason he thought he was get- devoted to Moe (or Apu or Ralph Chandleresque sense of humour, you too thin, relying on celebrity guests and The Simpsons reached their peak ting cheques for nothing was because Wiggum or any other non-Simpson, with know: Could I be more copied?), but minor characters, instead of focusing on during their third, fourth and fifth sea- 'the Democrats are back in power the possible exception of Mr. Bums)? The they are more or less part of the every what made the show such a hit in the sons. With talented writers (such as again". beauty of these characters is that they day world. first place, the actual Simpson family. Conan O'Brien of Late Night fame) The And, of course, about eighty-thou- were wonderful, sec- Seinfeld's expres- Simpsons provided loyal viewers with ondary characters who sions are not exclusive- consistently hilarious and memorable Cont'd helped to flesh out the ly our generation's, they Simpsons Trivia storylines, usually focusing on Homer world that the Simpsons are part of the collec- and whatever new scenario they pitched "Greening" is pronouced rhyming lived in. tive vernacular. Only his way (it was only after the writers with "groaning"). Sure, its fun to The Simpsons rings The Simpson's address is stopped focusing on Bart, as they did know that Moe has overwhelmingly in the beginning, and Some true as the show that, 742 Evergreen Terrace. episodes have had scenes syphilis or that Flanders for better or worse, has began to deal with Homer, that the show cut or shortened when they went had beatnik parents, but really took off). to syndication, so that the net- come to shape us. Matt Greening's parent's names are there is such a thing as Of course, The Homer and Marge. The Simpsons was capable of pro- works can air more commercials. overkill and the writers Simpsons have earned ducing laughter in so many ways and on at The Simpsons are so many such as: a this high position. His mother's maiden name is levels, There is 2,200 sq. foot house in starting to write the During it's heyday, The Wiggum. Henderson, NV which has been book on it. to Simpsons was the fun- His sister's names are Patty, Lisa, Pure zaniness: designed look exactly likethe But, above all else, How house. niest show on televi- and Maggie. about the Springfield police Simpson's The Simpsons have sim- sion, perhaps of all department sticking squirrels down their ply lost their edge. No of Or time (the only possible He has a son named Abe. pants for the purposes gambling? It was given away in a Pepsi con- matter which way you exception being Monty Perhaps the diabolical Dr. Colossus in test in 1996. look at it, they are no Python's Flying Circus). Bart is an anagram for brat. Bart's the "Who Shot Mr.Bums?" episode? longer as tunny as they The Simpson's have been imor- this You will note however, middle name is Jo-Jo. of mer- used to be. Whether that I have been forced Clever and witty: talized in a wide variety be the fault of the writ- Lisa (to Homer), "Dad, you even chandise, ranging from trading to use the word hey- MHh6itse Var? Houter is named do ers or simply the result what means? clothing a day. after formal U.5. President Richard no rhetorical cardsto to chess set. of time is hard to say. All When it comes to Milhous Nixon. Homer, "Do I know what rhetorical we can do is relish the television, heyday can means?" Visit the Simpson's archives at www.snpp.com. reruns. Break the Cycle of Violence

Feature needs people to write about issues concerning violence against women

Come to the roundtable meeting on Friday 2:3opm at the Cord Office and talk to the Features editor

| November 18,1998 8 112 Meet the rest ofSpringfield Down who later mar- Patty and Selma Bouvier Otto Man Quakers with Delores Montenegro. and out actor quash is sleeping Spinster twin sisters of Marge Simpson. Both Gen-X bus driver at Springfield elementary. ried Selma to rumors that he with the fishes. are unmarried, but Selma has been married to Experimented with illicit, mind altering, sub- Sideshow Bob and actor Troy McClure. Patty is stances. Hans Moieman living peanut with vision impairment. Drives a sworn celibate and possible lesbian. Hated by Quote: "Whoa, I think my shoes are talking to 31 year old, AMC Homer and the feeling is mutual, as Patty and Selma have made it me." an Gremlin. my I'm only their life goal to ruin him. Both love McGyver with a passion. Quote: "Alcohol ruined life. 31" Mlllhouse Van Houtten Abraham J. "Grampa" Simspson Bait's spit brother and sidekick. Lost virginity to Lisa Simpson in a Neglected senile father of Homer. Now is forced to spend his life at the future flashback episode, even though Lisa technically doesn't count Comic Book Guy Springfield Retirement Castle. May have been a cross dresser in the him as a sexual experience. Sarcastic, overweight owner of Android's 40's. Loves Matlock Quote: "So this is what it sounds like when doves cry." Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop. Has a Quote: "I did wear a dress for a period in the 40's. Oh, they had Bachelors Degree in Folklore Mythology. designers then." Ralph Wlggum Quote: "If your looking for the Hi and Lois sign- Stringy haired classmate of Lisa Simpson. Eats paste. ing, it has been moved to the Springfield Lunch Lady Doris Son of Chief Wiggum and is not too bright. Has a Coliseum. Crusty school cafeteria cook and part-time nurse. major crush on Lisa. Dispenser of unidentified meet loaf. Quote: "I bent my Wookie." Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby Quote: "More testicles, mean more iron." A Kennedy-esque womanising politician. Is not Mr. Montgomery Bums adverse to receiving large bribes or using the GroundskeeperWillie Owner of Springfield Nuclear Power plant and Homer's Boss. Evil incar- towns treasury to finance trips to the Scottish keeper of the school's award winning field. Underneath hum nate. All evil plots originate from him. His only Achilles' heel is a child- Bermudas. ble exterior lies a hard bodied warrior of the hood toy bear named Bobo. Quote: "You can't ban alcohol. It tastes great, highlands. Enjoys videotaping strangers even Quote: "Thank you for coming. Have a nice day. Smithers release the makes women appear more attractive, and though he knows it's wrong, but all the Scottish hounds." makes a person virtually invulnerable to criti- do it. cism." Quote: "Don't worry about it laddie. I've been Watyen Smtthers wrestling wolves since you were suckling at Sycophantic sidekick of Mr. Bums. Has 190 Weber St. N. (beside his your mama's teat." devoted life to servitude under Whiteßose) Bums. Closet homosexual, with most of ■ JLHTFVTIT IT \Jl\lLfUljlL (519) 885-5123 Ms. Edna Krabappel his desires focused on Bums. I ■VMII.V KKST/U'RANTS Lusty fourth grade teacher of Bart. Divorced and bitter, she spends her Quote: (Smithers' computer on boot up free time seducing all the available men in Springfield. Has attempted with an image of Mr. Bums:)" Smithers you are very good to seduce Mr. Bergstrom (Lisa's substitute teacher), Homer, Joey from at turning me on." Now Open Aerosmith. Had affairs with the head chef at the Happy Sumo and Jose Canseco (Almost) and Principle Skinner. May have drinking problem. Troy McGure Quote: (Mr Bergstrom:)"Mrs. Krabappel, are you trying to seduce me?" Hello I'm actor Troy McClure, you may remember me from 24 Hours such films as Lead Paint; delicious but deadly, Alice's Adventure through the Windshield Glass, and Calling all ALL PHOTOS COURTESTY FOX INTERACTIVE I will watch less television I will watch less television SARAH RIDLEY

Ah Bart, this decade's Denis the Menace. So full of mischief, fun, and small fire arms. Ever wonder what that lovable rascal writes on the chalkboard in the opening credits. We invite you to enjoy the many stores and Below are a selection of "Bartisms", taken off the lines our hero antagonist writes in the Uptown Waterloo has to offer! You won't have to opening credits. Note: I did not personally sit down and write down all the different lines from all the dif-1 1 look further than your own back yard for all your €_Mf ferent episodes. I have a life-well sort of. I I will not instigate revolution I will not conduct my own fire drills & Craft Supplies They me, me I others to fly 1 UW UNIVERSITY AVE. Art /HWft are laughing at not with will not teach WLU Banking Services VjMßf I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom I will not bring sheep to class I will not encourage others to fly A burp is not an answer I will not fake my way through life I will not eat things for money Hardware Store 1 I will not do that thing with my tongue I will not yell "She's bead" at roll call I will not drive the principal's car I will not call the principal "spud head" I \ I will not pledge allegiance to Bart Goldfish don't bounce ERBSJ. Profe^ionalServices jf I will not get very far with this attitude I will return the seeing-eye dog | I =: tvArmoo] N ' I Pubs & Restaurants I will not belch the National Anthem I do not have diplomatic immunity p town so. / Sporting Goods I will not sell land in Florida I will not charge admission to the bathroom I will not grease the monkey bars Organ transplants are best left to the I will not trade pants with others professionals I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment lam not authorized to fire substitute; I will not sleep through my education teachers Make Christmas special by celebrating in the 8 I am not a dentist There are plenty of businesses like show warmth of Uptown Waterloo! Visit Regina Street Cjß Spitwads are not free speech business and side a unique and Underwear should be worn on the inside Five days is not too long to wait for a gun |pi|> streets for festive j The Christmas Pageant does not stink Beans are neither fruit nor musical I will not torment the emotionally frail I will not expose the ignorance of the I will not aim for the head faculty Visitany Uptown Waterloo store or service and enter | I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's _ — Uptown/OM lounge I vour ballot to win a weekly prize of $100 jilt and a chance to win the grand prize of $500^^W

| The weekly prizes will be drawn each Friday _ 27, through to December 18th. INTERACTIVE prize will also be drawn on December 18th. J] FOX

COURTESY y0 W PHOTO: PARAGE

November 18,1998 9 Sports Hockey Hawks recover from loss TREVOR HILKER Hawks scored again as forward Jeff Ambrosio sent a pass to captain Martin After coming off a loss to the Westen Keams who one-timed it into the net. Mustangs in London on Wednesday, the Centre Craig Jalbert assisted on the goal hockey Hawks were looking to rebound which gave the Hawks a comfortable 4- on home ice, playing host to the o lead. Windsor Lancers on Saturday. Windsor did have some great The Hawks were able to control the chances to get into the game during the game for most of the night, except for second period. Ritch Schaafsma and the small lapse at the beginning of the Kevin Hansen started a two-on-one, but third period. Despite this, they still came it ended in an Ivankovic save off out on top, 4-2, thanks to the brilliant Schaafsma's one-timer. Ivankovic also play of goaltender Frank Ivankovic. robbed winger Darren Farr with the glove The Hawks opened the scoring while hand, as well as defenseman Scott shorthanded at 6:39 of the first period. Hillman who went in on a break-away. David Kline was sent in on a break-away The Hawks did not get off to a great by Rick White who completed the pass start in the final period, just 17 seconds while lying on the ice. Kline netted the into the third, the Lancers got on the puck for a 1-0 Laurier lead. board when Karl Yorker and Chris Gignac The Hawks then went up 2-0 late in set up winger Kevin Pucovsky who the first when former Owen Sound scored on the far side. TRACY Player Larry Paleczny made a drop pass Two minutes later, Darren Farr totally to defenseman Mike Little who blasted it undressed a very frustrated Ivankovic, CHRIS goaltender sliding one past him into the back of the over the glove hand ofLancer Windsor while he was lying on the ice. excellent goaltending and the fact they the #7 ranked Hawks in London last Ryan Gelinas. The only big chance net. Both Bill Allick and Kevin Diachina Ivankovic stopped 43 of 45 shots on have four complete lines is a big reason Wednesday. assisted. Right after the goal, Laurier the Windsor had in the first was foiled by the night and earned Labatt Blue player for their early success. Coach Martindale believes Tony Martindale called a time out on Ivankovic on a sliding stack pad save. coach of the game honours for his efforts. The Hawks next game is on Hawks can beat Western Wednesday, the rally the troops, who now clung to a getting Early in the second period, to After the game, coach Martindale Wednesday, Novemeber iBth at the but stressed the importance of of lead Hawks scored again as winger Trevor 4-2 talked about the time out and how he Waterloo Recreation Complex when the to a quick start. in point After the time out, Windsor kept on and support the Tokarczyk walked from the and instructed the players to keep the shifts Western Mustangs will be in town, the Be sure to come out Gelinas. coming and it was up to Ivankovic to be exciting put a floater past Both Bob short and cut down on the mental errors. puck dropping at 7:3opm. Hawks in what is sure to an and assisted on the fend off the onslaught. The Hawk goal- contest. McQuat Joe Rogers With this victor/, the Hawks sit 4-1-3 The Mustangs earned a spot in the tender play brilliantly, at goal. continued to and remain in first place in the Far-West CIAU top ten ranking this week, coming the one point turning away three shots by Roughly eight minutes later, division. Coach Martindale believes their in at #10 likely due to their 5-2 defeat of Lady Hawks singing the Blues of defeat gaining momen- but the rebound went right to Donna WOODIE BROWN Laurier had some more great chances, a sprawling Brown to knot the score at Hawks seemed to be tum, they a penalty call that Forbes who shot it past Brown, thus cut- but they fell short yet again. 1-1. Both Cheryl Pounder and Ashley would suffer ting Toronto's lead down to one. into their Following these opportunities, the Colter assisted on the goal. killed their attack. The Lady Hawks came left Laurier for the Hawks, Toronto While Laurier's penalties continued With only 47 seconds game at Waterloo Memorial Arena on referee made sure that bench in the Unfortuneatly mount, Toronto seemed to get off eas- called a time-out, and pulled the goal- Sunday night hoping to turn the tables Hawks penalty box became the warmest began to pick up the pace as the period to Erin ier. The referee did not call a blatant hit tender. on the Toronto Varsity Blues who defeat- seat in the building, with the strong came to a close. With 2:45 left, from behind that sent the Hawk player With the extra player, the Hawks ed the Hawks on November sth in majority of calls in the remained of the Fraser shot one off the leg of a Laurier headfirst into the turned up the Heat on the Blues, but Toronto contest coming a' boards. were unable to beat Brown. In the end, However, it was not to be on this day the expense of the Laurier had a cou- Toronto emerged with the 3-2 victory. as the Hawks suffered a dissapointing 3- girls in purple anc ple of good chances Even though the Hawks have now 2 defeat, exending their losing streak to gold. but could simply not lost three in a row, head coach josh three. These penalties execute effectively. Batley is still confident about the team's Laurier started off strong in the first crippled the Hawks All of their shots future. period, out-shooting the Elues 6-3. attack and frustrated seemed to be right "We have played well in our last cou- The game was scoreless with five both the players and the goaltender ple of games," commented Batley who minutes left in the first period when the fens. at and, even if there noted that a loss on Thursday in Guelph Hawks began to press. Toronto goal- The Hawks were were rebounds, was largely as a result of a red hot tender Kelly Brown was called on to stop first stung when, there was not any- Gryphon goaltender. three point blank shots, highlighted by a with only ten sec- one there to Batley added that the approach spectacular glove save to finally stop onds left in a Laurier pounce on them. tonight was different mentally than it play. penalty, there was a In contrast, Toronto was the last time they played Toronto. The Hawks had reason to be encour- mad scramble in WILLIAMS a "We great but just didn't get always had play- played aged by their first period play although front of the net. er in front of the the breaks," noted Batley whose team the teams entered the first intermission- Toronto's Bridget net, and this led to out shot the Blues 34-21 this time tied at zero. Bates assisted STEPHEN their third goal. around, but could not beat Kelly Brown. The Hawks continued to look strong Stephanie the puck bounced right to At 14:30, Heather Vance took a shot In future games, they will need to at the beginning of the second period, Summerhill in stuffing the puck into the defender and scored on surprised from the point that was tipped in by take some better shots and go right to but still could not put the puck past an net with 6:30 left in the period to give Urszula May who Torrington to May, giving the Blues the lead. the net more often. acrobatic Brown. the Blues the 1-0. Hawk goaltender Joyce 3-1 dressing up With time winding down, to the Your next opportunity to catch the Things looked promissing for the The Hawks remained calm and send the Blues to the room amazement of all concerned, Toronto Lady Hawks comes Sunday at 7:3opm Hawks when the officals called a rare returned the favour by scoring one 2-1. continued to control the drew a penalty for tripping. On the ensu- when they take on the York Yeowomen Toronto penalty just two minutes into minute later when Caroline Hall picked- Toronto the Any time ing power play Caroline Hall was denied, at the Waterloo Memorial Arena. the period. On the ensuing power play, up the rebound and slid the puck under game in third period. Laurier swimmers annihilate Western

new pool Robin Allen, who won both the and the 100 John Peleck and Sian Carver. Coach Dean Boles was In what has to be considered an historic occasion Fuke. Each swimmmer established 50 freestyle, and rookie Jen quite impressed. in Laurier Varsity Sports, the Golden Hawk Swim records in their best Kerr, who won both the "We have something we've never had before, Teams beat Western for the first time ever on events. 10 200 backstroke and 200 and that's depth," he remarked. "That depth is • Fuke broke the Saturday. Not only did they beat the Mustangs Browne eclipsed the individual medley. what's going to make us competitive for the division they trounced them. The women, early favourites to six year old 200 butterfly 200 Overall, the men title on both the men's and the women's sides." win the OUA West division, won by a score of 107- record by almost a full year old and women combined to The Hawks are back in action this coming 58. second, while Fuke broke win of 22 events, Saturday in Toronto at the OUA Invitational, where The men more then held their with a 110-54 the 10 year old 200 bteastroke record 19 including nine occasions all OUA teams will be in attendance. final. The victories leave each team at 1-0 on the breaststroke record by when Laurier swept the "This meet will be a good indicator to see where season, tied for the division lead with Guelph and two seconds. Browne was two seconds. by top two. Other event win- we stack up against the best in the province," noted Waterloo. also the top point winner ners included rookies Carrie Patterson, Shelley Boles. "Hopefully we'll get some people to step up Individually, notable performances came from on the day, winning all three of his events. were second-year freestyler Babin, and Mike Thompson, as well as veterans a notch and win." rookie Doug Browne and fourth-year veteran Tom The women led by s Hawks improving after Naismith JEFF SCHOUELA fired up the team at halftime and the Hawks came rebounds. Zdrahal shot 50%, scoring a team high league's worst defence last season. out much stronger and outplayed UW in the second 21 points ,and also added five assists and two The Hawks will definitely be looking to Zdrahal Believe it or not but the men's basketball team is half. This time, the Hawks looked to guard Jeff steals. With that kind of strong play, Zdrahal was this season. The third year guard was seventh in the actually playing really welt right now. After finishing Zdrahal and his 3-point accuracy to get back into named to the tournament all-star team and Laurier CIAU in scoring and was named to the OUA west a dismal 1-13 last year, the Hawks are playing 8-4 the game. Zdrahal buried six treys but it wasn't walked off the court as consolation champions, fin- second team last season. However, if the Hawks are ball in the preseason and ended up winning the enough as UW beat the ishing third in the tourney. to change their fortunes from last season's disaster, consolation finals at the Naismith Cup this past Hawks 76-65. The Hawks haven't they will need greater offensive input from the weekend at Waterloo. However, Laurier had With that kind of been to the playoffs since starters. Laurier played the University of New Brunswick to feel good about them- the 77-78 season, but Hodgkins will need to get a lot of looks at the in the first matchup. The Varsity Reds came out on selves as they played strong play, Kilpatrick is confident that basket and get off at least 12-13 shots per game if fire shooting, 62% in the first half and leading WLU Waterloo very evenly in the 98-99 team has a the Hawks are going to be successful. Also 40-23 at the half. the second half. Zdrahat was great shot at seeing post- Hodgkins and fourth year forward Kevin Ryan will However, the Hawks completely turned the Nonetheless, season action. need to pound the ball inside and free up the game around as Kenny Hodgkins carried the team turnovers proved costly named to the "I really like our guards for high percentage perimeter shots. at times, hitting key shots from the floor, and the for the Hawks as UW starting five. For the first The front court will definitely have to take more defense stood up and held UNB to just 28% from turned 25 Laurier tounmament all- time I can say that this shots if they are to truly be successful this season. the floor. Laurier outscored the maritimers 41-17 in turnovers into 23 points. squad has some valuable The Hawks will also need strong bench play from the backend to come back and win 64-57. With the loss, the star tern veterans. But we also rookie Adam Rogers and Corwin Troje if they hope Hodgkins was phenomenal, going 10-15 fr° m the Hawks were forced to have good depth and we to run with the league's better teams. field for 22 points, 8 boards and 3 blocked shots. play the Guelph Gryphons in the consolation finals. can give our starters rest when they need it," noted Obviously, this team can't get much worse after WLU took their big comeback win into their sec- The game was close until the third quarter when the Kilpatrick. last season's performance so there are definitely ond contest, this time against the host and much hot play of Zdrahal and Bob Papadimitriou put WLU What the second year coach also likes is that better things ahead for the men's team. If they get hated Waterloo Warriors. Once again, Laurier got off up for good. the defence has been sucessfull in holding top balanced shooting all around and continue to play to another slow start and Waterloo had a 15 point Papadimitriou went 9-16, including two 3's ,and ranked teams to point totals in the high 6o's and strong defense, then maybe the post-season isn't lead at the half. WLU head coach Mike Kilpatrick ended up with a double-double of 20 points and 10 low 70's, a big improvement after having the out of the question.

" ZTwLU\ CIAU HOCKEY TOP TEN — mum 1Vf* QlrQtinrr 11 Labatt's Hockey players ~S X ; igLUe i. UQTR Les Patriofces of the game . i| The WLU figure skating team travelled to Kingston iast week- pr——

Amerm bears - end for the Queen's Invatational. This event marks the first Darren Lowe #19 vs. Western Darrell continu ed his strons ptay this season competition of three for the varisty team. The Hawks emerged 0 St , * FX X-M&n w,th a short handed goal from this competition with their best showing in yea*. WeS ern The girls competed nine out of 10 events, accumualting Axemen _° in 4. Acadia _ jHEte 14 points, good for an ninth place finish overall. wmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmKmamim The highlight of the day for the Hawks was the short pro- 5* Ottawa GefrGeeS gram event. Rookie jenny Campbell blew away the competition Saskatchewan Hiiskips and placed first overall, earning the team 10 oftheir 14 points. Other strong performances came from Cherly Willie, who 7. Wilfrid LaUlier Golden Hawks placed 6th in the open singles event, and team captain Cheryl Coddington, who placed 4th overall in the open solo dance 8. St Mary's Huskies fl |j p... event. Frank Ivankovic #23 - vs. Windsor Laurier's skaters are very pleased with their showing at RsdmCfl Queens and are enthusiastic about the upcoming Ffank backst0 PP ed the Hawks t0 a 4-2 victory Laurier Ifl Wocforn mustangsMircfanoc —* Invitational in January. over wjndsor> stopping 43 of 45 shots.

BOWL c 10:00 PM Every Saturday Night!! # Tunes are turned up lights are turned down Bring in this ad and get a lane for 1/2 price, plus no charge for rental shoes!!

Open to persons 19 years of age and over, Licensed under the L.L.8.0. •Limited lanes available • phone for reservations

WATERLOO BOWLING LANES 14 Princess St. West, Waterloo (behind the Huether Hotel) 886-2900 if busy 886-2370 Snack Bar • Free Parking

November 18,1998 11 Entertainment Marshall Ward returns to WLU

RACHEL REID Ward elaborated on the dual role an ceived as a paradox of art. Art is for the artist must play. He noted that his own upper class, and wrestling is working Artist Marshall Ward will return to the efforts are split 50/50 between making class, a low form of art. (In, this collec- place where it all began this January as his art and selling his art. "Art is a busi- tion) I am bringing art and wrestling he presents his exhibition entitled The ness, as much as any other business. It together." Squared Circle at the Robert Langen involves making phone calls, sending Each of the ten six-by-four foot Gallery. out packages, getting involved...publici- acrylic-on-skin paintings portrays sombre Ward, bom in Kitchener, Ontario, ty." Ward further encourages his peers to looking men at battle with one another. graduated from Wilfrid Laurier University "get involved in exhibitions," and But there is no hint of the sensational- with a General B.A. in Fine Arts, before emphasizes the importance of becoming ism that the WWF has given to wrestling. going on to complete his honours affiliated with organizations. Ward him- Ward says, "I'm stripping wrestling degree in Rne Arts-Studio Specialization self has recently become affiliated with down to what I love about it...no glitter, at the University of Waterloo. He credits both the Ontario and the Canadian no glamour." Ward's paintings spring his education at Laurier as being the Society of Artists. from a personal love of wrestling, and he impetus to his burgeoning professional Over the past year, Ward has been aims to present it as he saw it as a kid, career as an artist. commissioned to paint murals for the before the NWO took over. "I originally majored in psychology, Lutherwood Youth Employment Centre "Wrestling to me is like classical the- but when I took an art course in first in Kitchener and The United Food atre, a fine art in itself. It has the ele- year, that turned everything over for me." Commercial Workers in Mississasuga. ments of a morality play...good and evil. Ward specifically credits a large part of He enjoys painting not only for him- Justice always prevails in wrestling." his inspiration to Professor Michal self, to develop his own art, but also for He explains that, while people usual- Manson, the studio instructor at Laurier. the community. "It is really important to ly say that wrestling is violent, they don't Ward was her student and worked as get work out there. I have a dual mis- see violence in the paintings. "They (the studio assistant for two years. "A light sion: to work for other people, for com- paintings) are powerful, yet subtle." turned on when I met Michal Manson," mission, and to paint for myself." Indeed, the lines are soft and gestural, he says. "She is my mentor, fully and He acknowledges that commis- the colours gentle. His career as an completely." sioned work is a means of earning a liv- artist that began here at WLU (where one It is obvious upon meeting with ing as an artist, but in no way is it sec- of his pieces is part of the permanent Ward that he is exceedingly proud of his ondary to his own painting. "I would collection) has included many exhibi- affiliation with Laurier. rather paint anything, anywhere, than do tions in K-W, several across the province, WARD When asked what his advice for any other job." and one currently at the Chalk Farm other aspiring artists might be, he The Squared Circle will be featured at Gallery in London, England. However, the replied, "It is very important to promote the Robert Langen Gallery from January upcoming exhibition at the Robert - MARSHALL yourself if you are going to make things sth 23rd. The exhibit is titled after its Langen Gallery has special significance. OF happen. Opportunities don't come to subject, the wrestling ring. "Where I had Ward remarks enthusiastically, "I never you...it is a trying road that you pave for fun with the title is in the sense that it dreamed I would have my own profes- yourself." sounds pretentious. Wrestling is per- sional exhibition at Laurier." COURTESY Yukkin' it up: That's opera DANIELLE FIELDER of the humans around him, and in the WITH SPECIAL ASSISTANCE FROM transformation from painting to opera, MICHAEL PURVES-SMITH he becomes a musical animal. (Yes, he extreme comedy sings). The text is based on the traditional LeOienDeWafeau Don a this don is BRIAN GEIGER much the same as Paynes." Though Spear is an accomplished Juan myth with twist: Though Tweedley's and Ross' bizarre stand-up comic, his list of credentials is, Music by Michael Purves-Smith not yet the bold seducer of women, but Lyrics by Suzanne Laugier has not Yuk Yuk's brings its Extreme Comedy self-portrayals are less than insightful, by far, the most varied of the lineup. a self-centered idealist who November 20/21,1998 one worthy of With series to laurier this week, with some of one can anticipate a dry, dead-pan deliv- His acting history includes a number found his attention. WLU Theatre Auditorium 8:00 p.m. of the who is god- the biggest names in Canadian stand-up ery from Ross. Tweedley can be expect- of commercials his appearance in a fea- the help statue the most, Laurier is of love, dog, a seivant, Don on the bill. Hosted by Orson Payne, the ed to be more off-the-wall as he has an ture film. Spear has also trained in Jazz Although frightening to dess the and into exciting Ottavio, the servant, he show promises to deliver a wide variety extensive background in improvisational Dance, mime and has had instruction in about to be thrust the world indifferent learns as our very own faculty a lady in a of comedic abilities. comedy. children's theatre. of Opera, brings how to woo civilized manner. Payne himself captures the diversity Ross has also had his share of tele- But what brings Spear to Laurier is of the lineup. A man of many talents, his comedy routine; a routine that has Saturday night's host is a skilled actor been featured across North American and dancer, and is also recording his and, in particular, at the Just For Laughs own independent CD. festival. Spear has had audiences laugh- Since launching his comedy career in ing overseas, as well. He has toured 1993, Payne has been seen in every- Europe and the Middle East as the host thing from the "Search for Canada's of the United Nations Peacekeeping Funniest New Comic" to the "Nubian Forces show. Disciples of Comedy" event held in Rounding out the bill is Hamilton's Montreal and Toronto. own Jason Rouse. Rouse has much less Accompanying Payne on the bill will experience than the other comedians in MCGIBBON be Sean Tweedley, who describes his the lineup, but is nonetheless highly comedic act as "a combination of respected and gaining popularity. As a testament to his relative inex- JENNIFER Whoopi Goldberg, Frank Sinatra and us Le Chien De Watteau this weekend. The music, dance, and action is Dennis Miller - in that order." perience, Rouse was featured in Composer Michael together Catherine Tweedley has also gained experi- Molson's "Search for Canada's Funniest Putves-Smith has drawn by director as a also a professor who ence in another diverse field; he is an PHOTO New Comic" competition earlier this created what he describes "diver- Black, at Laurier, a piece with by the established actor on both stage and FILE year. He won the competition, and has tissement, staged much was approached Purves-Smith in comedy." In a on project. "When film. His resume highlights appearances vision exposure, including a feature on gone on to be featured in a Pay-Per- choral music, dance and summer to work the I Suzanne Laugier, a the in love with it, and on the CBC productions 'Night Heaf and the nationally broadcast 'Comics!', a View special that aired on The Movie collaboration with read libretto, I fell leading figure in theatre in many images to my mind. 'Top Cops'. Tweedley is also quick to hatf-hour profile of some ofCanada's ris- Network. the world so came I what it look point out that he had a role in ing stars of comedy. Those who enjoy a little twist to their France, and with communication travel- knew exactly I wanted to ing as Hollywood's 'The Rocketmarf, starring "It was my first television show," stand-up comedy will certainly favour back and forth across the Atlantic, Le like." She described the production Chien de Watteau evolved. The title is in an interesting challenge, as she did not Harland Williams. Ross says of the 1994 event, "but it def- Rouse. In addition to what he describes to paintings the 18th music howev- Tweedley is currently a writer for initely hasn't made me a star." What has as "devilishly crafted jokes," Rouse reference the of know how to read at first, painter Watteau, whose human er, learning process a of fun. "Open Mike with Mike Bullard," the made Ross a star, though, are his includes some oddball theatrics that are century the was lot remain in scenes Chien after a popular talk show hosted by another appearances at the famed Just For straight out of a freak show. figures static the garden Le de Watteau, home A can four city of arrives Laurier Canadian stand-up comic. Joining him in Laughs International Comedy Festival in With so many big names in that they inhabit. dog, however be tour France, at seen in scratching or licking should be a experi- the writers' room, as well as the Yuk Montreal, and broadcasts on "Live at Canadian comedy, and so many differ- movement, and prove to cultural his nether parts while a nude, sensuous ence of operatic proportions. Come and Yuk's lineup, will be Rob Ross. Yuk Yuk's," in 1995. ent styles, everyone is guaranteed to get statue looks on. dog, apparently, out what your professors "If I were to describe my style of Quebec's Winston Spear will also be a few laughs at this Extreme show. The check talented feels no need conform gentility are up comedy," Ross claims, "it would be very performing at Yuk Yuk's Extreme. to to the to.

12 | November 18,1998 e Movie review under siege TIM DURKIN bus. It is, much to everyone's relief, a does sleep with someone it is not paint bomb. Many jokes are made about Washington and we do not see her whether 'assault with an ugly colour" is breasts. The Seige actually a crime. Hubbard is tough mind- Another fine point of the movie also Starring: Denzel Washington, ed though and stays on the case. occurs near the beginning when Annette Bening, Enter Bening who sneaks herself into American soldiers kidnap the leader Bruce Willis the factory where analysis of the bus is responsible for the bombing of an under way. At no point in the film is her American military base. Unlike the car- The Siege is a tale of what may come role ever clear, and her name changes nage that was Bonnie and Clyde the from North American society. Be fore- depending on her loyalties (CIA, NSA, director opts for discretion when por- warned, the future of terrorism will bring traying the shoot-out that ensues. uninspired acting (Bruce Willis), political- Unfortunately, he falls in line throughout ly correct slags (solider to Washington: -1 might start the rest of the movie. "If you're not careful I might start think- The movie attempts to be cat and ing you're Ethiopian." Washington thinking you're mouse but really all the good guys do is replies, "You're just stupid enough to clean up after the massive destruction of think that's an insult.") and of course Ethiopian. the bad guys, including when terrorists chaos in the streets. drive a van full of explosives through the Denzel Washington is perhaps the - You're just window of the Federal building. 600 most charismatic actor on the screen people die and no one is any closer to today, however not even his presence solving the case. In fact no one ever was enough to save this dismal affair. He stupid enough does solve the case. allows his persona to carry his character There are four sects of the terrorists PHOTO and it falls flat. Willis practically phones to think thafs organization, each acting independently. FILE this one in. The female lead, Annette When one dies in a fiery scene the next Washington Bening, looks so much like Sharon an insult group blows something else up. now. The movie did do a fine job of again. Hopefully doesn't as the guy on his for the next Stone I kept wishing it was. Because everybody dies no links are left keeping him hidden bad but decide to rest Laurels The most disappointing part of the Army). No one knows. We do leam that to join the groups and everyone is dum- when he turns out to be the bad guy he one. no one entire film is that it starts off really well. she is more tightly bound to the case founded. dies thirty seconds later and the movie Hopefully, decides to jump Terrorists have hijacked a city bus in New than it first appears. This makes little difference to the ends. The General is arrested for Human on the terrorism in America bandwagon York City. Agent Hubbard (Washington) is She and Hubbard do not hit it off powers that be when they decide to Rights violations but it with no emotion- again because it's a slow ride and it real- the first on the scene and attempts to and many cat and mouse games ensue. invoke Marshal Law in an attempt to al impact what-so-ever. ly sucks. diffuse the situation. After the release of Bucking Hollywood tradition their rela- round up all Middle East youth. If this movie had kept to the style of some hostages things are looking up. All tionship is never solidified (she actually Despite Wilis' attempts he of course the first 1/2-hour the remaining 1 and 1/2 Danielle hates me. She thinks Bruce is obviously of a sudden during the release of a few dies before we ever find out the true misses the one remaining sect leader might not have been so bad. We have cuter. He is not cuter than why more prisoners a bomb explodes on the nature of her involvement) and while she whom everyone has trusted up until seen this plot all too often to do it over Denzel. That's we bicker. PUNK, WANNA BE A STAR? THANKS TO AIL OF THIS WEEKS WRITERS. MEETINGS ARE EVERY WEDNESDAY HEY @ 6 IN THE CORD OFFICES. EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO ATTEND. COME AND GET IN ON THE GINGERBREAD-MANIA. Who among us wouldn't love to spend a culturally TPS SWEEPING THE NATION. WOO GINGER! enriched evening watching crazy folk parade about on stage for our amusement? But let's be honest, would- n't we rather BE the crazy folk? It's time to start getting excited for the Fourth Annual Campus Fringe which will be upon us in February. The Fringe consists of several one-act plays, of which students. is—l some are written by Laurier It's a PACE chance for all the budding thespians to don the garb of public performance and jump, sing, laugh, and dance on stage in front of an audience instead of at home in front of our mirrors (come on, admit it, every- one does it). For those of us a little less extroverted, technical crews are loved all. always by Book The Fringe has found a new home; instead of the Willyour flight home T.A, this year, the shows will take place in the new for the holidays NOW_ Studio Theatre. It's intimate, it's interactive, it's fun on a stick! or you'll feel the C ome Christmas! If you want to take part in this theatrical smor- gasbord, auditions are coming up fast, and are open to all. lIIRAVELCUIS They will run on November 24th, 26th, and 27th. Auditions must be scheduled, so call 884-0710 Student Union Building 886-8228 ext.4882 for your moment of glory. 112Owned and operated by tfte Canadian f-ederation o' Students OTESVMK 5 WLI' STHIIESSTS it INTO rOVFR nff II tF SI WITH VALID STUDENT ID* || FRI NOV 27 I STUDENT CARD ALONE DOES NOT GUARANTEE ENTRY |OCQl"£d Q1" 220 klfl9 S1" H lA/100 VALID GOVERNMENT ISSUED ID ALSO REQUIRED A25 428/

November 18,1998 {

13 Arts

_• ; j* '

>> ® '

'

„iff|l isheir

, Flame chance, • *- est'i(ia|w9i? the destruction 'jf gone, possess , the uioacfc tlje|pace is flame. fickle reason. flame. impedihg.fli> iffifp and of to only there only ruby purple accidental? passion final extinguished flames of reach spark, or blaze been fleeting flicker rage ignite uncontrollable tort'sradiate the one is warmth short-liueda afire? witness in instantaneously behind dibsoman iaIV is golden the eternal ethereal u»ill#»ftturn set careless §ftji.wenspreadfwHbg scorch softly igniting flame pditleverbreathing fi fin hag Life In theBo or fl intentional to to .Before our flfetranslucentfflmft f Q^aLL fol- :a Cracks in the Orthodxy Ludwja , who I sanguine tomorrows of starry decline Nathan. the ot

ideas fees • jhepterdsare they hMZ their Ilament into are invited to the following |ree pu|j|(Q tdlk"

We're in the midst of a spiritual revolution. The growing demand for a 1 greater understanding of spirituality is changing the way people view sci-j ence, medicine, healing and religion. Is spirituality a vastly unexplored I

r -> , , . • • • . . . ■ r . . K frontier? Will a deeper exploration of it bring the answers and healing | that we seek?

*31 ii 41 P»1 Mi I ■HH ■■ MKm Mb

Date: Friday, November 20th, 1998

Time: 11:30am to 12:30pm

■ Location: University of Waterloo, Davis Centre, DC 1302 (by the fishbowl) I S For more information, contact: Ruth Allen, CSO Coordinator email - [email protected] or 725-4369

Speaker | Joni Overton-Jung, C.S., is a well known lecturer on the subject of J spirituality and wellness. She is a Christian Science practitioner and lec- i turer based in Toronto. She has also worked with the Peace Corps in Botswana, Africa, and completed social advocacy assignments in Chicago, USA.

November 18,1998 14 fYou Hiring: Special Hottie Spring Break & New Years! Student Loans? Debt? Centre Spot on my and a new Montreal, Quebec City, Daytona Beach, Married? Children? Centre Spot is hiring for next term. Pick Well, IVe got cords (so soft). IVe an a Acapulco...Eam Free Trips. Individuals or Ensure that you have adequate insur- up an application form at the WLUSU hair-cut got idea for liaison - are involved, includ- groups welcome. Call Breakaway tours ance protection for your family. Free office, 3rd floor Fred Nichols Campus accessories ing bobbie pins (I hear youve got a few). We Need Your Support! now to party with thousands! analysis of your life insurance needs. Call Centre 'lm The Waterloo/Wellington Chapter of the 1-800-465-4257, Ext. 310. Brenda at 632-9730 or e-mail Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Canada www.breakawaytours.com [email protected] Personal Trainere/Aerobic Instructors is seeking volunteers to join its Cake and Exclusively Women's Rtness Centres is My dangerous Jim, have a Cookie Campaign team. If you Spring Break Florida or Mexico Roses & Blessings B & B looking for certified Personal Trainers and You know I've got bobbie pins baby. I've be part of knack for sales and want to via Detroit. Also, other popular destina- |y\a rg & Norm enjoy pampering guests in Aerobic INstructors. If you are an entusi- got about fourteen of them. Now that helps coordinate this cam- - the team that tions. Browse www.icpt.com and call 1- our non-smoking Christian home 10 ast jc individual who enjoys working with you got your new haircut (so soft) I won't paign call the chapter hotline at 748- 800-327-6013. Best hotels, prices and m jn _ from the campus. Warm hospitality, people please call Lee at 886-7546 be able to use them in your hair... per- 2195 or Sylvie at 1-800-387-1479 ext. 18. parties. Get group together or be an home-baking and comfort are our spe- haps we will have to find other uses for Other volunteer opportunities are also Inter-Campus Program Rep. cialties. Your relatives/friends will enjoy them. They are pretty good if you hap- available. Help us find the cure for sumptuous breakfasts, comfortable Sales Training Opportunity pen to run out of paper clips. Mmm... disease and ulcerative Colitis! ( oin our ra idl rowin company. Crohn's Montreal at New Yeare beds - P rivate baths - snacks Christmas Come i P V S S paper clips JirTli you sexy Hottie equipment and hot tub. Exclusively Women's Rtness Centres is Stay two nights at the 5 star Wyndham Baking), exercise

_ __ - looking for take-charge individuals for Be a Friend Hotel(indoor pool located near Club Excursion planning provided 742-1280 email nmwarren@gold- membership sales. Paid training provid- Are you available to volunteer, a few Metropolis. December 3 o-januai71. Bus Fax: 742-8248 (Z|dCC|fl£*€l Excellent salary base plus commis- hours per month, during the school day? and Hotel from $i39/quad Book now en.net www.bbcanada.c0m/2077.html ed. sion Ptease resume t0 Karen Harris The FRIENDS Service of CMHA unites and save! , Call Thames Travel: - at 886 RSlGS adult volunteers with children who need Student House Cleaning Service "^95 setting. additional support in their school Sharing a house and no one wants to ! STUDENTS Do you have a keen interest in children clean the bathroom? 1-8 hours a week, 30 words Or leSS $5 Are and their well being? you reliable, vaiiab(e rates 662-4187 pager 1-519-220- words $S patient, and have a trusting spir- each Word over 60 .10 it? Please call today to make a lifelong difference by befriending a child. Kings Tickets NON-STUDENTS 3 Bedroom Basement Apartment Philospher Ca 744-745 317 or visi rMmMVl am looking for 2 tickets to the 2 gat h roomSj Kitchen, living room. 1.5 Words $10 wywxmhawrb.on.ca A child will be glad 1 01-60 _ Philosopher Kings tQ WLU jan Aug concert, in Toronto, |ac h word Over 60 .10 u y° 1 ■ $33o/month utilities included. New this weekend. Call Darcy at 725-1886 stove, toilet, faucets. Call 8841729 PRISM Certification Instructors SEMI-DISPLAY ADS Wanted! An Open Challenge add .50 r~ for & out- To all Ms. have broken the *PriceS include GST I m PRISM is looking enthusiastic Pacman-ites:! Sublet, sublet, sublet sublet gojng stuc|ents to teach certification 90,000 point barrier and have done it Placement forms are available in the Campus Winter sublet, amazing location, Bricker courses during winter term A minimum with impunity. Ante up kids, 25 cents Cord office, Fred Nichols * " ' ° ™ vc ue emale r0 m tes' ing' of 8 working gets you a shot at the title. NEW YEAR'S & SPRING BREAK. commitment 5 hrsTweek b s 'J to"*, partly turn,shed. $295 0)fe Wildest pany touts to CUBA, Montreal. ' know|edge of m is requireA DaveB '" ® 77« p0r m01lth 11 your resu™ with 3 C0Ver Florida. Quebec. FREE trips, discounts, Please leave ! All classifieds must be paid in full bonuses for Group Organizers. letter at the PRISM Helpdesk (P1030) for Heather j before publication. Human Resources Celebrating 38 years of Quality & the Director, by | haVe a realty, really great business idea. ' Cash required in advance for ALL Reliability. November 25 at 4pm. Please contact Not being a biz major and all, I'm not sure student classified ads. No ad can be 1-888-593-6666 the certifica tion manager with any ques- they.j t fly .. you be the judge . a restaurant run until payment has been received www.uniropatravel.com tions via email at: that serves ass, only various asses. Deadline for placements or cancella-, Tuesday 12:00pm. [email protected] [email protected] HSA tions is at j

wilfrid laurier university

—1 * "\

.':.I am Steve Metzger, President of WLUSP. We believe that we can only go forward

S\.' Contact me at [email protected]

Student Publications Office, wm f j|H9Mrl Third floor, Fred Nichols Campus Centre

November 18,1998 15 '"~~ / S CjT jN \ —* -a -E IE .13 lias il you'll now gel a\ } \ \ \ JLeycbain -.. ! > '•/ | «-free snowboard in every case of ..J |\\\\ A 112" ""~V'\ KoLanee, wifb a ckance to win one of a \ i\|

fraSffi liundred RIDE snowboards or five tritos for 1I(\I j / [( /"RN A\\ \ "\ 4"x gggg® ;/H 1 J / x \\\ \\ .kw'^ mBtM two lo tbe Rockies. And like every great j/J Jjl )i( (((('f\ J\ legend, it's absolutely true, Cool, crisp j j / / \ \ \jji ||lillj v

V 1 ' \ -' findthe fourth l | I / White j