Can You Brexit Without Breaking Britain? by Dave Morris & Jamie Thomson On March 29, 2017, the United Kingdom gave notice under Article 50 of its intention to quit the European Union. You're the British Prime Minister. You now have just two years to negotiate the unpicking of an alliance that's been built up over four decades. And that's not the only minefield you’re going to have to cross. Your cabinet is unruly, your party is splitting itself apart, and the country remains bitterly divided over the whole issue. Can you hang on and bring Britain safely into harbour? Forge new trade deals around the globe? Juggle popular support at home with the goodwill of your former EU allies? Stop the economy from spiralling down the plug hole? And all the while keeping an eye on those Parliamentary colleagues whose knives are ever-ready to plunge into your back? This is a gamebook in which the outcome is decided by the choices you make. You know the kind of thing. You’ll need a pencil to keep track of how you’re doing on the Brexit Memo Pad. Anything else? Oh yes, start at section 1. Seems obvious, but these days we can’t take anything for granted… . Contents Who’s who Brexit Memo Pad About the authors Start playing Can You Brexit? Want a print copy of the book? Of course you do. Much nicer than a PDF, that. You can order Can You Brexit? from any bookshop or get it on Amazon. WHO’S WHO Armand Alprèves: EU Commission chief negotiator Bill Appleby: Presenter of the BBC show Now Then Jay Arthur: Health Secretary Leslie Barkwell: International Trade Minister Ron Beardsley: Downing Street chief of staff Dave Deadpool: US chief strategist Dennis Dent: Secretary of State for Exiting the EU Amelia Dimple: Environment Secretary Harvey Doggerbank: Chairman of the 1922 Committee Bob Fobber: Leader of the Liberal Democrats Willy Franjeboom: Chief negotiator for the EU Parliament Colin Fungale: Sometime leader of UKIP Crispin Gorm: Attorney General Ingrid Käsen: Chancellor of Germany Yalayip Kulübe: President of Turkey Jonathan Leonine: Former Tory grandee Douglas Mac: President of the European Council Martin Mugglemore: Presenter of the TV show Feeding Time Gervais Noysom-Reek: Conservative backbencher Bob Owlbear: Deputy leader of the opposition Jaume Pandillero: President of the Philippines Kirstin Pike: First Minister of Scotland Lemmi Puukaasu: Prime Minister of Finland Tiffany Rufus: Home Secretary Barry Scraggle: Leader of the opposition Chloe Stoat: Business Secretary Alan Stollard: Chancellor of the Exchequer Bill Strait: Father of the House Peter Strewel: Foreign Secretary Jean-Jacques Terlamen: President of the European Commission Thomas Tode: Prominent Leave campaigner Terri Trough: Downing Street Press Secretary Dumpster P Windrip: President of the United States 1 The light creeps in under your eyelids like the water seeping into your car that’s just careened off the road and into the river. The windows bulge under the pressure and then burst inwards – strangely not with a crack but with a swish like curtains being drawn. In seconds the water turns into a gushing torrent. Your lungs are starting to fill with water as the limo sinks deeper into the black waters – ‘No!’ you cry as you sit bolt upright. Wildly you look around the back seat of the... Wait a minute. This isn’t your car. It’s the bedroom of Number 10. ‘Are you all right, Prime Minister?’ says a soft voice. ‘You asked to be woken at six-thirty.’ You give a groan as a dull headache starts pulsing behind your eyes. It feels like you’ve had about thirty minutes’ sleep at best. ‘What do you reckon about drowning, Wilkins? It’s supposed to be a peaceful way to go, isn’t it?’ ‘I believe the evidence is sketchy, Prime Minister.’ He indicates the cup of tea beside you, along with a stack of newspapers. Yesterday you gave notice to the European Union of Britain’s decision to invoke Article 50. You notice the Daily Heil has led with something about the glorious new dawn of Brexit. And why not? They aren’t the ones who actually have to deliver it. To remind yourself what it actually meant when you declared Article 50 ►199. To get ready for the day ahead ►289. 2 ‘There isn’t really such a thing as a Swiss model, per se,’ explains the Chancellor. ‘Not in the sense that Norway and the other European Economic Area countries have a defined structure for how they interact with the EU.’ Dent can see you’re confused. ‘What Switzerland has is more of a raft of bespoke agreements that substitute for the EEA’s off-the- peg, one-size-fits-all arrangement. Obviously those bespoke deals are specific to Swiss needs, but it could be useful if we’re thinking along similar lines.’ ‘They’re outside the EEA but still in the European Free Trade Area,’ says Strewel. ‘Only really we’d rather be right out of the whole shebang, wouldn’t we? We want Savile Row, not Moss Bros.’ ‘How did Switzerland end up with this model?’ ►754 ‘What do they pay into the EU?’ ►691 ‘What does EFTA membership actually give them?’ ►231 ‘Explain the process behind making those bespoke deals. Could we do the same?’ ►576 3 O thou of little faith… springs to mind. Of course. Nearly four in ten Scots voted for Brexit. They can’t have been impressed by seeing Kirstin Pike get up the next day and invite EU nationals to come to Scotland in their thousands. ‘And you’re right, Lord. The SNP have made a right mess of their economy. They have almost a dozen constituencies where only a slight swing would give us a win. They’re not going to lose out to Labour, after all, but any Scotsman who’s worried about the threat of leaving the UK, or Scotland trying to stay in the EU via the back door, has no choice but to vote Conservative.’ ‘But how would I call a snap election?’ ►35 ‘I suppose I can discount Labour as a threat, at least.’ ►626 ‘The Liberal Democrats look weak but might yet be a force to reckon with. They’re campaigning hard for Remain.’ ►784 ‘Amen, Lord. I have to get back to matters of state.’ ►666 4 If you have the keyword MAPLE ►458. Otherwise ►200. 5 The Commission is keen to discuss the future of EU citizens already living in Britain – as is the UK government to secure the rights of British subjects living in Europe, and you need a refresher on the basics. You pick up the phone and call the QC who briefed you before. ‘I’m going to need a quick reminder about residency rights, so can you – ?’ ‘It’s all in the email, Prime Minister.’ ‘What email?’ ‘The one I’ve just sent you. There’s a summary of all the salient points.’ ‘But how did you – ?’ ‘I’ve worked with ministers before.’ You take a look and sure enough there’s a list of everything you discussed. EU citizens currently count as permanent residents, but once Britain has left the EU they’ll be subject to the same rules as non-EU immigrants. To qualify for permanent residency an immigrant needs either to be in work, or to be related to a British citizen or permanent resident. They also have to have lived here for at least five years. If they’re working, they must also be earning a minimum of £35,000 unless they’ve been here for ten years already or have an exempted job, such as nursing. If someone is not paying taxes in Britain they have to have CSI, that is Comprehensive Sickness Insurance, so that they won’t be a drain on the NHS. Any time spent living here without CSI does not count towards the five years required to qualify for permanent residency. There’s a lot more in the email about exemptions, qualifications, definitions, and so on, but you needn’t bother with that. It’s what you have civil servants for. ►666 6 ‘The EU employs a rather arcane bookkeeping system whereby commitments to spend are figured separately from allocations for spending, so – ’ ‘Perhaps the t-shirt version for now, Ron.’ A frown as his big brain wrestles the problem down to smaller proportions. ‘It’s like a credit card, prime minister. The EU spends more every year than its budget allocation. Quite a bit more, actually. So it puts it on the card, sort of thing, and then to cover the payments it goes back to the member states for more money.’ ‘Sounds quite barmy. Who came up with that?’ ‘Well… originally it’s a method used by French corporate accountants, I believe. It’s called the reste à liquider – the “still to pay” fee. The thing is, while Britain would obviously cover our share of that until Brexit, the funding terms are in seven year blocks. The last funding term started in 2014, so the Commission will want us to pay for the rest of 2019 and all of 2020 as well.’ ‘They should have got the spending under control long before this. It’s exactly the sort of malarkey that had people up in arms about the EU.’ Ron looks at you. You can sense a billion calculations popping off behind those watery, bottle-lensed eyes. But with only ten minutes to the meeting there’s no time to dig any deeper right now. ►374 7 Puppet or not, you have a great story to sell to the public.