QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDER, QUEER, AND QUESTIONING YOUTH

136041_book.indd 1 5/21/14 5:45 AM We at PFLAG National are pleased that you are reading this booklet. It will provide you a great deal of useful information that you can use when you are ready.

If you need immediate assistance, please call one of the telephone helplines listed below. We encourage you to seek out help now if you need it, or think you might need it, especially if you are in danger or have thought about harming yourself in any way.

Contact The Trevor Project online at thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now, or call one of the following:

HELPLINES

The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Ali Forney Day Center: (212) 206-0574

CDC-Info: (800) 342-AIDS (2437) Spanish service: (800) 344-7432 TDD service for the deaf: (800) 243-7889 [10:00am till 10:00pm EST, Monday through Friday]

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743

The National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929)

All Rights Reserved. © 1999, 2002, 2006, 2014 Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc.

136041_book.indd 2 5/21/14 5:45 AM Founded in 1972 with the simple act of a mother publicly supporting her gay son, PFLAG is the original family and ally organization. Made up of parents, families, friends, and allies uniting with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT), PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy. PFLAG has more than 350 chapters and 200,000 supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced, and supported by the PFLAG National office (located in Washington, DC), the National Board of Directors, and the Regional Directors Council. PFLAG is a nonprofit organization that is not affiliated with any political or religious institution.

For non crisis–related assistance, to order copies of this publication—or to find the PFLAG chapter nearest you—please contact us or visit us on the web.

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About this publication: Be Yourself: Questions & Answers for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning Youth is copyrighted. For reprint permission, please contact the PFLAG National office, info@pflag.org, (202) 467-8180.

Editorial Team: Rachel Lichtman, Liz Owen, Ryan Sasse

Content/Editorial Review: Robert Bernstein, John R. Cepek Dr. Kay A. Heggestad, MD, Jody M. Huckaby, Ellen James, Elizabeth Kohm, Jean-Marie Navetta, Diego Sanchez

136041_book.indd 3 5/21/14 5:45 AM PFLAG NATIONAL GLOSSARY OF TERMS:

Ally: A term used to describe some- it comes to being out, and to respect one who does not identify as LGBTQ where each person is in that process but who is supportive of LGBTQ of self-identification. It is up to each individuals and the community, person, individually, to decide if and either personally or as an advocate. when to come out or disclose.

Bisexual: An individual who is Gay: The adjective used to describe emotionally, romantically, and/ people whose emotional, roman- or physically attracted to men and tic, and/or physical attraction is to women. Sometimes stated as “bi.” people of the same sex (e.g., gay People who are bisexual need not man, gay people). In contemporary have had equal sexual experience contexts, “lesbian” is often a pre- with both men and women and, in ferred term for women. People who fact, need not have had any sexual are gay need not have had any sexual experience at all; it is the attraction experience; it is the attraction that that helps determine orientation. helps determine orientation.

Cisgender: A term used to describe Gender expression: The manner an individual whose gender identity in which a person chooses to com- aligns with the one typically associ- municate their gender identity to ated with the sex assigned to them others through external means such at birth. as clothing and/or mannerisms. This communication may be conscious Coming out: For people who are or subconscious and may or may not lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgen- reflect their gender identity or sexual der, the process of self-acceptance orientation. While most people’s un- that continues throughout one’s life. derstandings of gender expressions Sometimes referred to as “disclos- relate to masculinity and femininity, ing” by the transgender community. there are countless combinations People often establish a lesbian, gay, that may incorporate both mascu- bisexual, or transgender/gender- line and feminine expressions—or nonconforming identity to them- neither—through androgynous selves first and then may choose to expressions. The important thing to reveal it to others. Coming out can remember and respect is that every also apply to the family and friends gender expression is valid. of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or trans- gender youth or adults. There are Gender identity: One’s deeply many different degrees of being out: held personal, internal sense of be- some may be out to friends only, ing male, female, some of both, or some may be out publicly, and some neither. One’s gender identity does may be out only to themselves. It’s not always correspond to biological important to remember that not sex (i.e., a person assigned female at everyone is in the same place when birth identifies as male or a person

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136041_book.indd 1 5/21/14 5:45 AM assigned male at birth identifies as Intersex/disorders of sex female). Awareness of gender iden- development (DSD): Individuals tity is usually experienced in infancy born with chromosomal anomalies and reinforced in adolescence. or ambiguous genitalia. In the past, medical professionals commonly as- Gender nonconforming A per- signed a male or female gender to the son who views their gender identity individual and proceeded to perform as one of many possible genders gender assignment surgeries begin- beyond strictly female or male. Oth- ning in infancy and often continuing er terms for gender nonconforming into adolescence, before a child was include “gender creative,” “gender able to give informed consent. The variant,” “genderqueer,” “gender Intersex Society of North America fluid”, “gender neutral,” “bigen- opposes this practice of genital mu- dered,” “androgynous,” or “gender tilation on infants and children. In- diverse.” Such people feel that they tersex/DSD is unrelated to, but often exist psychologically between gen- confused with, LGBTQ issues. Please ders, as on a spectrum, or beyond note: the medical term “hermaphro- the notion of the male and female dite” has been used in the past, but is binary paradigm. Gender noncon- no longer an acceptable term. forming people sometimes prefer Lesbian: A woman whose emo- using gender-neutral pronouns such tional, romantic, and/or physical as “their,” “ze,” or “hir,” and are usually attraction is to other women. People comfortable with their bodies as they who are lesbians need not have are regardless of how they express had any sexual experience; it is the their gender. attraction that helps determine orientation. Homophobia: An aversion to les- bian or gay people that often mani- LGBT: An acronym for lesbian, gay, fests itself in the form of prejudice bisexual, and transgender which re- and bias. Similarly, “biphobia” is an fers to these individuals collectively. aversion to bisexuality and people It is sometimes stated as “GLBT” who are bisexual, and “transphobia” (gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender). is an aversion to people who are Occasionally, the acronym is stated transgender. “Homophobic,” “bi- as “LGBTA” to include allies, “ LG- phobic,” and “transphobic” are the BTQ,” with “Q” representing queer related adjectives. Collectively, these or questioning, or “LGBTI,” with the attitudes are referred to as “anti- “I” representing intersex. LGBTQ bias.” Pansexual: A person whose emo- Homosexual: An outdated clinical tional, romantic, and/or physical term often considered derogatory attraction is to people of all gen- and offensive, as opposed to the pre- der identities and biological sexes. ferred terms, “gay” and “lesbian.” People who are pansexual need not

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136041_book.indd 2 5/22/14 1:39 PM have had any sexual experience; it is part of the human condition, while the attraction that helps determine sexual behavior involves the choices orientation. one makes in acting on one’s sexual orientation. One can have sex with Queer: A term currently used by someone and even have children, some people—particularly youth— but that doesn’t necessarily define or to describe themselves and/or their align with their sexual orientation. community. Some value the term for Many LGB people have first married its defiance, some like it because it an opposite-sex partner and had can be inclusive of the entire com- children with them, sometimes out munity, and others find it to be an of a sense of obligation or cultural appropriate term to describe their expectation, before coming out as more fluid identities. Traditionally a gay or lesbian. It is important to negative or pejorative term for peo- remember that one’s sexual activ- ple who are gay, “queer” is disliked ity does not define who one is with by many within the LGBT commu- regard to one’s sexual orientation; it nity, who find it offensive. Due to its is the attraction that helps determine varying meanings, this word should orientation. only be used when self-identifying or quoting someone who self- Transgender: A term describ- identifies as queer (i.e. “My cousin ing the state of a person’s gender self-identifies as genderqueer.”) identity which does not necessarily match their assigned sex at birth. Questioning: A term used to Other terms commonly used are describe those who are in a process “female to male” (FTM), “male to of discovery and exploration about female” (MTF), and “genderqueer.” their sexual orientation, gender Transgender people may or may not identity, gender expression, or a decide to alter their bodies hor- combination thereof. monally and/or surgically to match their gender identity (also referred Sexual orientation: Emotional, to as “transsexual.”) This word is romantic, or sexual feelings toward also used as a broad umbrella term other people. People who are straight to describe those who transcend experience these feelings primarily conventional expectations of gender for people of the opposite sex. People identity or expression. Like any um- who are gay or lesbian experience brella term, many different groups these feelings primarily for people of people with different histories of the same sex, people who are and experiences are often included bisexual experience these feelings within the greater transgender for people of both sexes, and people community—such groups include, who are asexual experience no sexual but are certainly not limited to, attraction at all. Other terms include people who identify as transsexual, (but are not limited to) pansexual genderqueer, gender variant, gender and polysexual. Sexual orientation is diverse, and androgynous.

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136041_book.indd 3 5/21/14 5:45 AM INTRODUCTION

Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are complex concepts and discovering your own unique identity can be confusing. Deciding to come out as LGB or queer—or disclosing yourself as transgender—can be challenging and puzzling, and leave you filled with questions.

Think about it: you’re becoming an But what if you can’t relate? If you’re adult, which can feel both exciting a teen who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, and frustrating, especially when transgender, queer, or gender you don’t yet have an adult’s rights. nonconforming—or wondering if You’re becoming more independent, you are—you may feel unprepared, and your relationship with your par- uninformed, and even excluded. ents, guardians, or family members is changing. It’s a new experience Maybe your friends and family have for them; they’re talked to you learning to ac- about dating, Realizing that I’m not cept that you’re falling in love, straight was the least and getting mar- not a little child expected thing to happen ried. But they anymore. to me. One night I was journaling, and without probably have Then, all of a thinking, wrote down “I’m never talked sudden, your bisexual”. Since then, I’ve about what hap- peers realize that realized that I don’t really pens when a boy the opposite sex like labeling myself. falls in love with isn’t that bad and - Anonymous, 16, Cleveland, Ohio another boy or couples start pop- about what you ping up all over can do when school. Soon such your physical relationships might seem like the anatomy just doesn’t “match up” most important things in the world. with how you feel inside. In fact,

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136041_book.indd 4 5/21/14 5:45 AM a lot of what you’ve heard about sexual orientation, a gender identity, LGBTQ people might have come and a gender expression. from people at school, where “gay,” “lesbian,” “queer,” “fag,” “dyke,” and Two: It takes time to know who you “tranny” are words sometimes used are. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to harass and insult other people; to be unsure, and it’s okay to take you may even have experienced this your time finding out. There’s no discriminatory language within your need to rush the process. own family. Three: You’re not alone. Right Our culture is dominated by het- now, there are tens of thousands of erosexual and gender-conforming out LGBTQ youth, and thousands images and messages. Television, more who are wondering if they are movies, and magazines mostly show LGBTQ too. It may seem hard to men and women together, most imagine, especially if your commu- music is about falling in love with nity isn’t exactly LGBTQ-friendly. someone of the opposite sex, and However, there are ways to reach many of your friends are probably out to other LGBTQ young people. talking about the opposite sex. And, If you call any of the numbers at while most people your age seem to the back of this book or log on to fit neatly into expected gender roles, any of the websites listed, you can you may feel you don’t—or don’t reach thousands of other youth who want to. have already gone through, or are currently going through, their own This publication aims to help you journeys of self-discovery. They’re understand yourself and the LGBTQ people with whom you can talk community by answering some of openly, compare unique life experi- your questions and recommending ences, and ask advice. supportive resources. The questions other youth have asked about being Obviously, this publication cannot LGBTQ shape this publication; we ask or answer every question, but we hope it will help you find answers of hope it gives you a place to start. You your own. don’t have to be alone when learning about and identifying your sexual First, three major points: orientation or gender identity/ex- pression. The resources beginning One: There is nothing wrong with on page 35 will give you a place to being LGBTQ; it’s as normal as continue your own journey—to find being left-handed. It’s just another information, to find answers, to find part of who you are. Everyone has a friends, and to get support.

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136041_book.indd 5 5/21/14 5:45 AM Our best advice? coming out will Be yourself. If Once I came to terms with present you with you are LGBTQ, being male, I felt so much questions and you’ll soon find better. I accepted who I am situations you that you have the and immediately wanted have never faced power to shape others to do the same. before, you’ll and define your - Anonymous, 15, Jasper, Georgia also find great identity and the joy and comfort way you choose to in the journey of express it. While self-discovery.

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136041_book.indd 6 5/21/14 5:45 AM FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

DANGER/SELF-HARM ● I have a crush on someone at my school. How can I ● I am in danger, and tell if they’re LGB too? sometimes think of harming myself. I need help! GENDER IDENTITY/ EXPRESSION

● What’s the difference SEXUAL ORIENTATION between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender ● How do people become expression? straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, or other ● What’s the difference orientations? between being transgender and being transsexual? ● I think I might be lesbian, gay, or bisexual. How do I ● When do transgender know for sure? people know that they are differently gendered? ● How can I be sure of my sexual orientation if I’m ● What is the typical not sexually active? process of “transition” for transgender people? ● I thought LGB people act a certain way. If I don’t fit the ● What does it mean to be stereotype, am I still LGB? gender nonconforming or gender variant, and ● I have a crush on my same- how is that different from sex best friend. Does this identifying as transgender? mean I’m LGB? And what does it mean to be genderqueer?

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136041_book.indd 7 5/21/14 5:45 AM ● Aren’t there only two COMING OUT genders? ● Should I come out? ● I think I might be transgender (also known as ● How should I come out? “gender variant,” “gender creative,” or “gender ● Should I come out to my nonconforming”). How do parent(s) or guardian(s), I know for sure? and how should I do it? ● I can’t come out to my parent(s) or guardians(s). MENTAL HEALTH Whom should I tell?

● Is being lesbian, gay, or ● Will people accept me after bisexual a mental disorder? I come out?

● Is being transgender a ● Will I lose my non-LGBTQ mental disorder? friends? Where will I find LGBTQ friends? ● What about “ex-gay” ministries and so-called ● Can I have a family of my “reparative therapy”—can own? they help me? ● I feel so alone, are there people I can talk to?

THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

● I don’t see other LGBTQ STAYING SAFE people around me. Am I the only LGBTQ person in ● What if I’m harassed at my community? school?

● Sometimes I don’t see ● What if I’m harassed myself reflected in the outside of school? LGBT community. Are Do I need to worry about there resources for youth ● HIV/AIDS? of color?

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136041_book.indd 8 5/21/14 5:45 AM DANGER/SELF-HARM but rather part of our human condition, like handedness. I am in danger, and sometimes think of harming Remember, everyone has a sexual myself. I need help! orientation. There is more than one school of thought about why some THE SHORT ANSWER: If you people are LGB. Most experts believe are in crisis or thinking about that we are born with our sexual self-harm or suicide, you need orientation—a concept called the immediate support. Please “nature” argument. Other believe turn to the inside front cover of that being LGB is a choice, influenced this publication for important by upbringing, cultural influences, contact information to get the and other external factors—the help you need. “nurture” argument. And some believe it is a combination of both You are a unique person, worthy nature and nurture. Regardless of of love, friendship, and support. how our sexual orientation develops, Regardless of how you identify or the majority of evidence states that it whom you love, you have the right is nearly impossible to change. to feel safe and secure. If you feel unsafe, if you feel unsure, if you feel The American Psychological like you have nowhere to turn, there Association (APA) is the largest are people who can help. association of psychologists worldwide. In its online Psychology Turn immediately to the inside Help Center, which discusses “Sexual front cover of this publication orientation, homosexuality and for important helpline numbers, bisexuality,” the APA confirms its including The Trevor Project. stance—declared publicly in 1975— that: “...most people experience little or no sense of choice about their SEXUAL ORIENTATION sexual orientation.” The APA goes on to explain that sexual orientation is How do people become created by a complicated mixture of straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, genetics, hormones, development, and or other orientations? influences both cultural and social; no single factor solely determines THE SHORT ANSWER: No one one’s sexual orientation. To read more really knows for sure. However, about health, emotional awareness, the vast majority of credible and sexuality, visit the APA’s Online professional experts believe that Help Center at www.apa.org/ sexual orientation is not a choice helpcenter/sexual-orientation.aspx.

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136041_book.indd 9 5/21/14 5:45 AM I think I might be lesbian, If you think you’re LGB, try not to gay, or bisexual. How do I hide your feelings from yourself. know for sure? Yes, figuring out who you are can be stressful, emotional, and a little THE SHORT ANSWER: You’ll scary—you may not want to deal know when you know. It could with it—but taking some time take a while, and it’s OK to alone to think about how you feel remain unsure. There’s no is the first step toward accepting need to rush. yourself. Give yourself permission to explore your thoughts, feelings, and There are hundreds of different emotions. Remember, everyone is ways to realize you are not straight. unique and perfect in their own way. Some LGB people say that from the time they were very young they “just felt different” or “just knew” they weren’t like their friends. Some How can I be sure of my didn’t share the same opposite-sex sexual orientation if I’m not grade-school crushes and some were sexually active? more interested in their same-sex classmates. THE SHORT ANSWER: You don’t need to have sex to People who are LGB often say it discover who you are. It is the took a while to put a name to their attraction that helps determine feelings. Once they learned what sexual orientation. being LGB was, it started to make sense to think about their own It’s important to know that you don’t sexual orientation in those terms. have to have had a sexual experience It fit with the to know that feelings they’d you’re lesbian, Since first realizing three had while gay, or bisexual. years ago that I am bisexual, Most people growing up. and coming out to most of experience my family and friends in the Many don’t begin intervening years, I have crushes when to think about grown tremendously as a they are quite their sexual person. I am on my way to young, before orientation until living a more authentic life. they become they’re teenagers - Lauren O., 24, Frisco, Texas sexually active. or adults. This Think about is completely your own past normal. We figure out our identities crushes: your feelings and your in our own time—sometimes it takes emotional and physical attractions months; other times it takes decades. will help tell you who you are.

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136041_book.indd 10 5/22/14 1:42 PM I thought LGB people act a Remember: you don’t need to prove certain way. If I don’t fit the anything to anybody. Be yourself. stereotype, am I still LGB?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Ignore the stereotypes. Some I have a crush on my same- people fit them, some people sex best friend. Does this don’t. Be yourself. mean I’m LGB?

People who are LGB, like people SHORT ANSWER: Not who are straight, can act in many necessarily. different ways, and might or might not fit stereotypes. If you don’t fit Enjoying intimate experiences—like a common stereotype for an LGB cuddling, kissing, or holding person, it doesn’t mean you’re not hands—with someone of the same really LGB—there is a wide range sex doesn’t automatically mean of diversity within that community, you’re lesbian, gay, or bisexual, just just as there is throughout every part as enjoying intimate experiences of society. People use stereotypes with someone of the opposite sex to help them understand what doesn’t automatically mean you’re to expect from certain groups of straight. people. However, some stereotypes Many people develop crushes on stem from a lack of experience with someone of the same sex at some the type of person in question or point in their lives, and we often from ignorance and/or prejudice, explore or identify with different and are simply incorrect. For gender roles and expectations example, you might hear that gay throughout our lives. Many LGB men aren’t strong or athletic. Or people have some sexual experiences that lesbians appear or act more with someone of the opposite sex, masculine. But these are stereotypes, and many non-LGB people have and aren’t one-size-fits-all. Visit some same-sex sexual experiences. www.lgbthistorymonth.com for a Those who enjoy such experiences searchable database of LGB icons with both sexes often identify as and note the diversity of the people bisexual. However, sometimes listed there. it takes some trial and error to Bottom line: don’t worry about determine what we like and what we the stereotypes, and don’t let labels don’t like. define you. There are as many Think of sexuality as a range, or different ways to express your LGB “sexual continuum.” At one end of identity as there are people in this the range are many people who are world. attracted only to the same sex. At

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136041_book.indd 11 5/21/14 5:45 AM the other end of the range are many person based on hurtful and often people who are attracted only to the unsupported stereotypes (see our opposite sex. And in between are answer to “I thought LGB people people who are attracted to both act certain ways. If I don’t fit a sexes in varying degrees. stereotype, am I still LGB?”).

Again, remember that our sexuality People sometimes joke about having develops over “gaydar,” a “radar” time. Don’t that senses who worry if you When I was a sophomore is LGB. Figuring in high school I realized aren’t sure. Your out if someone is that my attraction to girls early years are a was stronger than some LGB if they’re not time of learning, ordinary “girl crush.” I completely “out” bit by bit, what didn’t think I could be gay is like figuring works for you, because I am very feminine. out if someone and crushes and I love fashion and makeup, is interested in experimentation and it was hard for me to you. Sometimes are often part of push past the stereotypes. you can tell; that process. Over - Rachel, 17, Highland Park, sometimes you time, you’ll find New Jersey can’t. It can be that you’re drawn an extremely mostly to men, women, or both—or frustrating and stressful process, neither!—and then you’ll know. You but it is part of getting to know the don’t have to label yourself. people around you. It takes time and sometimes more patience than you think you might have! I have a crush on someone at my school. How can I Asking your friends or theirs won’t tell if they’re LGB too? guarantee an accurate answer. And while you can casually observe THE SHORT ANSWER: them to try to find some clues—do You can’t definitely, without they have pro-LGBTQ stickers on asking—which presents its their backpack or locker? Are they own unique challenges. a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) at your school?— It’s impossible to know for sure these things mean that they may be whether someone identifies as LGB, or they may be a supportive LGB just by looking at them. We ally. The only way to find out shouldn’t assume people are LGB someone’s sexual orientation is because of the way they look, to talk to them about it directly. dress, or act. Doing so would mean However, it’s extremely important making assumptions about the to respect another person’s privacy.

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136041_book.indd 12 5/22/14 1:43 PM They may not want to talk about or sense of being male, female, it, could be upset that you asked some combination of both, or them, or may not want to be neither; and one describes how recognized as LGB. As a general we present ourselves outwardly rule, be very careful when asking to others. someone such a personal question unless you know them very well, It’s pretty common for people to see and even then, be sensitive to the the acronym “LGBTQ” and think it’s other person’s privacy. Approach all about sex or sexual orientation. them the way you would want to be But it’s not! The “transgender” approached about the subject. portion of the acronym represents gender identity and is completely Remember, you can’t expect separate from sexual orientation and someone else to come to terms with sexual behavior. their sexual orientation any quicker than you are coming to terms with Many people think that all your own. But be patient. One day (if transgender people or all people it hasn’t happened already), someone with nonconforming gender will have a crush on you and they expressions are lesbian, gay, or will be wondering whether you’re bisexual. They aren’t! LGB or straight (or neither!) too. In fact, just as each of us has a sexual orientation (straight, gay, or bi), we all have a gender identity and a way GENDER IDENTITY/ of expressing it. Our gender identity EXPRESSION is how we feel inside about being a girl, a boy, something in between, What’s the difference or neither; our gender expression is between sexual orientation, how we dress and act to express or gender identity, and gender communicate our gender outwardly expression? (which may or may not correlate with our gender identity); and THE SHORT ANSWER: our sexual orientation describes Every person in the world to whom we are attracted. Sexual has a sexual orientation, orientation is separate and distinct gender identity, and gender from gender identity, and gender expression. One describes expression is separate and distinct our sexual attractions; one from both sexual orientation and describes our internal feeling gender identity.

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136041_book.indd 13 5/21/14 5:45 AM What’s the difference something). Just as you wouldn’t between being say someone is “gayed” or transgender and being “straightened,” so too you wouldn’t transsexual? say someone is, or has been, “transgendered.” Saying “Alice is THE SHORT ANSWER: a person who is transgender” is Transsexual people often, but correct—just like saying “Alice not always, use medicine and is blonde”—but saying “Alice surgery to help their bodies is a transgender” or “Alice is match their gender identity, transgendered” is not. Using these while most transgender people adjectives as nouns or verbs is do not. considered offensive, so avoid using them in those ways. The term “transgender” is an umbrella term, often used to refer to anyone who falls somewhere on When do transgender the gender spectrum, including people know that they are people who have gender identities differently gendered? and expressions that don’t mesh well with their assigned sex at THE SHORT ANSWER: One’s birth, such as transsexual and sense of gender happens at genderqueer people. “Transsexual” different times for different is a lesser-used term (considered people. by some to now be outdated) which refers to people who are Many transgender people transgender who use (or consider remember “feeling different” from using) medical interventions such their earliest childhood memories. as hormone therapy and/or surgery But because of stigma and lack as part of the process of expressing of information, they can struggle their gender. for many years to accept this difference. As more information The words “When I came out to my for transgender “transgender” parents as transgender, and “transsexual” people becomes it was after thought and do have one thing available, we in common: debate...I was tired of are seeing they are both hiding myself at home transgender adjectives (used and pretending being people openly to describe misgendered didn’t expressing their something) not bother me.” true gender nouns (used - Anonymous, 17, Madison, WI identity at to identify younger ages.

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136041_book.indd 14 5/21/14 5:45 AM What is the typical process Gender nonconforming—or gender of “transition” for trans- variant or gender creative—is a gender people? term for individuals whose gender expression is different from the THE SHORT ANSWER: There societal expectations based on is no “typical” transition their assigned sex at birth. Just as process, because there are many with transgender people, gender- different ways to transition. nonconforming people may or may not identify as transgender, male, For transsexual people, the female, both, or neither. Standards of Care requires a “gender identity disorder” diagnosis, Genderqueer people identify outside as defined by the American of the gender binary of being either Psychological Association, in order a man or a woman. They may think to qualify for medical treatments, of themselves as both man and hormones, and various surgeries. woman, neither man nor woman, This diagnosis is controversial in moving between two genders, or a transgender communities because it third gender altogether. perpetuates stigma and medicalizes what many believe is simply another natural human variation. Aren’t there only two genders?

What does it mean to be THE SHORT ANSWER: No. In America we tend to recognize gender nonconforming only two genders, referred to as or gender variant, and the “gender binary”—masculine/ how is that different from man/male and feminine/woman/ identifying as transgender? female. But many cultures And what does it mean to recognize many more than two. be genderqueer? The Bugis people of Indonesia THE SHORT ANSWER: recognize a total of five genders. Identifying as transgender In India and Bangladesh there is versus identifying as gender a third gender called “Hijra” that nonconforming (also called is neither male nor female. The “gender variant”) are two Fa’afafine are a third gender, as well different things. The first as a sexuality, in Samoa. The Muxe relates to one’s gender people are a third gender in Mexico. identity; the latter relates to To learn more about how other one’s gender expression. cultures perceive gender, check out

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136041_book.indd 15 5/21/14 5:45 AM this 2011 interactive map—and supplementary material—from PBS THE SHORT ANSWER: You’ll which shows dozens of cultures that know when you know. It could recognize more than two genders: take a while, and it is okay to www.pbs.org/independentlens/two- remain unsure. There’s no spirits/map.html. need to rush.

Like our sexual orientation, our There are hundreds of different gender identity can be looked at as ways to realize you are not gender a continuum as conforming and well. There is hundreds more I came out to everyone a whole range to realize you are at my school’s first-ever uncomfortable of identities to GSA meeting…instead of be found on with your gender giving my feminine birth or physical sex. the “gender name, I introduced myself Some people say spectrum.” as Elijah and admitted that Throughout I was trans. I remember that from the time our lives, we trembling with fear but they were very can experience everyone was brilliantly young they “felt and express accepting. different” or “just our gender in a - Anonymous, 16, knew” they weren’t variety of ways. Olmsted Falls, Ohio like their friends, Our gender rejecting the expression can change over time stereotypical gender characteristics as we have new experiences and they were “supposed” to display. become aware of new ideas. People who are transgender or Remember, gender is a label created gender nonconforming often say it by people. Labels like gender are took a while to put a name to their used to help us figure out what to feelings—it wasn’t until they learned expect from one another. They aren’t what the terms meant that it made set in stone, and there is no right or sense to think about their gender wrong gender to have or express. identity and/or expression in those terms; it fit with the feelings they’d had while growing up.

I think I might be Many other people don’t begin to transgender (or “gender figure out their gender identity variant,” “gender until they’re teenagers or adults. creative,” or “gender This is completely normal. We nonconforming”). How do I figure out our identities in our own time—sometimes it takes months; know for sure? other times it takes decades.

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136041_book.indd 16 5/21/14 5:45 AM As with sexuality, some people know The American Psychiatric what their gender identity is at an Association declared in 1973 that early age, and know that it doesn’t homosexuality is not a mental match the “boy” or “girl” label they disorder or disease, and the were assigned at birth. For others, American Psychological Association gender identity develops and changes says that it would be unethical to over time. If you feel that your try to change a person’s sexual gender identity does not match up orientation. with the “boy” or “girl” label others assume you to have, it is completely normal to explore and learn about other ways to express yourself. Is being transgender a Gender identity can be expressed in mental disorder? many ways—referred to as “gender expression”—and people use SHORT ANSWER: Absolutely clothing, makeup, accessories, name not. changes, and sometimes medical Being transgender or gender procedures to express outwardly how nonconforming is not a disorder. they feel on the inside. It is important to know, though, Try not to hide your feelings from that in July 2012, the American yourself. Yes, figuring out who you Psychiatric Association (APA) are can be stressful, emotional, and removed the diagnostic term a little scary—you may not want to “gender identity disorder” from the deal with it—but taking some time Diagnostic and Statistical Manual alone to think about how you feel of Mental Disorders (DSM) and is the first step toward accepting replaced it with “gender dysphoria,” yourself. Give yourself permission to in the new edition, published in May explore your thoughts, feelings, and 2013. The DSM says that gender emotions. Remember, everyone is dysphoria can be diagnosed when a unique and perfect in their own way. person’s gender identity/expression is different from their assigned gender at birth and at the same time associated with “clinically significant MENTAL HEALTH distress or impairment” in their social life, career, or other important Is being lesbian, gay, or areas of life. As a result of such bisexual a mental disorder? distress, those with untreated gender dysphoria have a “significantly THE SHORT ANSWER: increased risk of suffering.” Absolutely not. However, gender dysphoria narrows treatment to those who experience

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136041_book.indd 17 5/21/14 5:45 AM personal distress over their gender Because sexual orientation and incongruity. gender identity are not chosen, you cannot “change your mind” or “pray Therefore, gender dysphoria isn’t the gay away” if you are lesbian, gay, about simply being gender variant. bisexual, or transgender. After all, It has to do with did our non- the absence LGBT friends and or presence of I was raised in a Christian loved ones choose suffering and home, so homosexuality to be non-LGBT? discomfort a was off limits. I tried so These “reparative” person might hard to be straight, but it measures have just didn’t feel right. After feel if they are been proven to unhappy or having a boyfriend for three months, I just gave up and cause serious uncomfortable came out. Now I have a damage and with their girlfriend and I am ecstatic. potentially dire gender identity - Anonymous, 20, Bloomington, consequences or incongruity. Indiana for the patients As documented involved. by empirical and clinical data, there are A few things to know: many transgender and gender- nonconforming people who are very ● In 1990, the American happy and comfortable with their Psychological Association gender identity and don’t need or stated that scientific evidence seek treatment. shows that reparative therapy does not work, and that it can do more harm than good. What about “ex-gay” ministries and so-called ● In 1997, the American “reparative therapy”—can Psychological Association again publicly cautioned they help me? against reparative therapy, THE SHORT ANSWER: No. also known as “conversion Not only do these measures— therapy.” like “pray the gay away”—not ● In 1998, the American work, but also they are Psychiatric Association likely to harm you. Every declared its opposition to major mainstream medical, reparative therapy, stating psychiatric, and psychological that “psychiatric literature association has denounced strongly demonstrates this type of so-called therapy. that treatment attempts to

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136041_book.indd 18 5/21/14 5:45 AM change sexual orientation organization—shut its doors, are ineffective. However, its founder issuing an apology the potential risks are great, for the many harms their including depression, anxiety methods caused over the and self-destructive [suicidal] years. behavior.” The practice of “reparative therapy” ● The American Medical is deemed so harmful that there are Association states in policy now laws in California and New number H-160.991 that it Jersey outlawing the practice for “opposes the use of ‘reparative’ minors, with other states—and the or ‘conversion’ therapy that is federal government—considering based upon the assumption similar bills. Many PFLAG parents that homosexuality per se is have seen firsthand how damaging a mental disorder or based so-called reparative therapy has been upon the a priori assumption to their children. PFLAG members that the patient should believe that it is important that we change his/her homosexual educate society based on scientific orientation.” facts and reputable professional opinions, not on the ideological and ● In 2001, the U.S. Surgeon pseudo-scientific beliefs expressed General’s Call to Action to by ex-gay ministries and advocates Promote Sexual Health and of reparative therapy. Responsible Sexual Behavior asserted that homosexuality Knowing who these groups are and is not “a reversible lifestyle the various names under which choice.” they work is important. See page 37 for a list of some of them. ● In 2009, the American Psychological Association added a resolution stating “mental health professionals THE LGBTQ should avoid telling clients COMMUNITY that they can change their sexual orientation through I don’t see LGBTQ people therapy or other treatments,” around me. Am I the only because there was no evidence LGBTQ person in my that these efforts worked. community?

● In 2013, Exodus THE SHORT ANSWER: No. International—the world’s You are definitely NOT the largest “ex-gay” ministry only one; you are one of many.

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136041_book.indd 19 5/21/14 5:45 AM According to a study released in Sometimes I don’t see 2013 by the Williams Institute, the myself reflected in the percentage of adults in the United LGBTQ community. Are States who identify as LGBT ranges there resources for youth from 1.7% in North Dakota to 5.1% of color? in Hawaii and 10% in the District of Columbia. According to this study, THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes, the average for the United States is there are more and more roughly 3.5% of the population. resources for LGBTQ youth of color and for others who have And these LGBT people are a multiple identities (disabled widely diverse population: they’re youth, homeless youth, and white, black, Asian, Pacific-Islander, others). Latino/a, Hispanic, and Native American. As an LGBTQ They’re Jewish, youth of color you Catholic, Muslim, I’ve told only a few might face issues Christian, people I’m asexual. I that affect how used to think there was Sikh, Baptist, you experience, Protestant, Hindu, something wrong with me, but my friends and act on, and come Mormon, Baha’i, my boyfriend are all out regarding and Buddhist. supportive, and it’s great your sexual They’re old and to know I’m not alone. orientation or young, rich and - Kelly F., 21, Allentown, PA gender identity— poor, Democrat, including cultural Republican, and family Green Party traditions, access to resources, and and independent. They’re doctors immigration status. When deciding and nurses, construction workers, whether to come out, you might teachers and students, secretaries, worry about jeopardizing your ministers and rabbis, store clerks, relationships with your family mechanics, business people, police and friends in your racial/ethnic officers, politicians, and athletes. community, about being accepted as And when they were teenagers, a person of color in white LGBTQ most of them probably felt the groups, and about potential racism same way you do. If you get the and ignorance that you may find feeling you’re all by yourself, just in some segments of the LGBTQ remember: thousands of people have community. gone through the journey you are undertaking. You are not alone! However, there are people who are LGBTQ in all communities and in all cultures, as well as an

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136041_book.indd 20 5/21/14 5:45 AM increasing number of resources community). You can come out to available for you and your family. one person, to friends and family For a list of resources for LGBTQ only, or to everyone you know. youth of color, please visit www. safeschoolscoalition.org/RG-glbt_ There’s no reason to come out youth_of_color.html. if you aren’t ready. Sometimes there are very good reasons not to come out. There are people who won’t accept you if you’re LGBTQ, COMING OUT people who will do and say terrible things. They could be your parents, Should I come out? friends or classmates, or teachers or coworkers, people you love THE SHORT ANSWER: Only or depend on for financial help, if you want to, and only when companionship, encouragement, or you’re ready and feel safe other support. Like any big decision doing so. Don’t come out just we make, there are real risks to because someone else thinks coming out. you should. However, there are also very good Think of yourself as a puzzle. reasons to let some people know There are thousands of little pieces that you’re LGBTQ. Hiding your which make up who you are. Your sexual orientation or gender sexuality, gender identity, and identity keeps the important gender expression are just three people in your life from knowing parts of that puzzle—but without about a big part of you. By coming them, your picture would be out you can live with integrity in incomplete. regard to your sexual orientation or gender identity, begin building Realizing you’re LGBTQ doesn’t community support, and form change who you are. It just fills healthy relationships. At some in some of the blanks. Now, you point, many LGBTQ people find can choose to keep your personal that the loneliness and isolation of picture to yourself. Or you can keeping a secret is worse than any display it for others to see; it’s up fear of coming out. to you. Whatever your reasons for thinking If you’re LGBTQ, keeping your you should or shouldn’t come out, identity to yourself is called “being it’s your decision and no one else’s. in the closet.” Being open about it is It’s also one you should make at called “coming out” (or sometimes your own speed. “disclosing” in the transgender

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136041_book.indd 21 5/21/14 5:45 AM How should I come out? You may consider becoming more educated about sexual orientation THE SHORT ANSWER: Start and gender identity before you by coming out to yourself. come out. By doing so, you will Then, choose those who are be able to respond to people who closest to you to tell first. may have questions or wrong ideas about LGBTQ topics. You’ll feel Before you come out to others, you proud to know the facts if someone have to come out to yourself. It may asks you a question or if you want sound strange, but it’s actually very to correct someone’s incorrect important. Knowing that you’re information about people who LGBTQ is one are LGBTQ. thing, but being Explore the My friend and I were comfortable with resources listed discussing David Tennant being LGBTQ at the back of and being sure from DR. WHO and I, then a closeted lesbian, said, this publication. of who you are “That man makes me By learning as a person is question my sexuality.” The about others’ another. A lot friend asked, “Do you have experiences and of people have something to tell me?” as talking about learned to say, a joke, and I replied, “Yes,” yourself, you’ll “I’m not straight, with a complete deadpan. It know more about and that’s OK!” was awesome. who you are and as a first step - Anonymous, 16, Germantown, what to expect in the coming Maryland when you come out process. out. Let your Remember, any friends and allies know that you’re step forward is a step in the right getting ready to come out so they direction. can support you.

There’s no standard or correct way A support system is important to come out. Sometimes people when you’re coming out. You’ll make a joke out of it, surprise want people around you who care their friends, or slip it into a casual about you and will be there for you, conversation. Some kids decide whether it’s just to talk or to give to sit their parents down and talk you a hug when you need one, or to about it, while others feel more give you a place to stay, if necessary. comfortable writing their parents a If you don’t feel that you already letter or an email. It all depends on have people like that, contact the your relationship with your friends nearest PFLAG chapter or one of and family, how you communicate the other groups listed at the back best, and how you feel most safe. of this publication.

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136041_book.indd 22 5/21/14 5:45 AM Should I come out to my friends who are LGBTQ? parent(s) or guardian(s) Do they read books or go to and how should I do it? movies that include same- sex relationships? Is their THE SHORT ANSWER: If faith community accepting you’re ready—and with care. of people who are LGBTQ? Have you heard them say Many youth who are LGBTQ say that there’s nothing wrong that their relationship with their with being lesbian, gay, parents was much closer after they bisexual, or transgender? came out because it was more honest. They say it was a relief to ● Think about your feel like they weren’t keeping a relationship with your secret any more. parents. Have they shown that they love you even when Sometimes a child doesn’t come out they’re upset with you? Have to their parents, but, rather, their they stuck by you even when parents discover that their children you’ve done something they at a much earlier age—sometimes didn’t like? as young as two or three years old—are expressing signs of gender ● Think about having a plan in creativity. For these children, they place if they don’t respond and their parents work through the well, including someone to process together. call right away if you need support. If you had to leave But it doesn’t always work that home, do you have a place way. Some teens are forced to leave to stay? If your parents cut home. Some parents are abusive. off financial support, do you And some family relationships have someone else who can never recover. help you?

Before you come out to your You’re the only one who can answer parents, there are some things for these questions. Weigh the balance you to consider: of “yes” and “no” responses when you’re thinking about coming ● Think about your parents’ out. Trust your gut. It’s almost general reaction to LGBTQ always frightening coming out people. Find out as much as to your parent(s) or guardian(s), you can by observing your but if you’re terrified about it, you parents or asking indirect should pay attention to that. Not all questions. Do they have parents will be accepting.

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136041_book.indd 23 5/21/14 5:45 AM If your answer to all or most of ● Visit our publications page the questions above is “no,” do not at pflag.org/publications. come out to your parents until you There you will have access to have a safe place to go to and a way two helpful booklets, both to support yourself. You might be free for download. We highly better off waiting until you’re on recommend printing out your own. If your answer to all or the appropriate publication most of these questions is “yes,” to give to your parents or then it’s probably safe to tell them. family members:

If you decide you can and want to Our Daughters and Sons: tell your parent(s), think about how Questions and Answers for you can make it Parents of Gay, easiest on them and Lesbian and yourself. When I came out to my Bisexual People. parents, my mother cried. One of our ● Pick a time She cried because she most popular could no longer officiate when your publications, parents my wedding ceremony which had been a dream this booklet are relaxed answers several and not of hers since I was a child. She would be defrocked if commonly pressured by she attempted to officiate. asked questions work, family - Meg B., 22, Westerville, Ohio about having worries, or an LGB child the holidays. and includes a Otherwise, they might react list of related resources that negatively because they feel will help your parents in they don’t have the time to their own journey. deal with it. Welcoming Our Trans Family Visit pflag.org/find to locate ● and Friends. This publication your local PFLAG chapter is available for you and and speak to a parent who your parents if you identify can talk with you about how as transgender or gender your parents might react. nonconforming. This firsthand support is invaluable. Be sure to ask Most of all: be prepared for your that parent if you can have parents to need some time to permission to put your accept your being LGBT—just as own parents in touch with you probably needed some time them, should they need that yourself. support.

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136041_book.indd 24 5/21/14 5:45 AM Even if they’re accepting of LGBTQ Even if they don’t have those people in general, your parents reactions, your parents are probably may be surprised to learn that going to feel worried about you. you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or In fact, they may have some of the transgender. They may not want same worries you once had or still to believe it at first and may need do have: whether this will put you time to adjust to a different future in danger, whether your life will be than they had envisioned for you. happy, whether you’ll have a family In the extreme, they may talk of your own. These concerns can about bringing in a psychiatrist to cause them to ignore or deny what “cure” you (see page 36 for more you’ve told them. information about this situation). They may worry about how they’re Before the psychological and going to tell other family members psychiatric associations concluded and their friends. Before they do, that being LGBTQ is perfectly it is important that they have your OK, there were a lot of theories permission to come out about you blaming parents for playing a role to others. That’s right: when you in influencing their child’s sexual come out, your parents will start a orientation and gender identity. coming-out process of their own. As a result of such theories, your And the best thing you can do is parents may worry about what you be ready with answers—or suggest being LGBTQ says about them. people with whom they can talk. They may worry whether they have The more homework you’ve done, failed you in some way as parents, and the more self-assured you and that worry can come out as seem, the more you’ll convince anger and defensiveness. your parents that you’re ready to take responsibility for yourself, and Your parents could also feel that they may worry less. Ultimately, the you’ve rejected them or their way of more support you—and they— life by being LGBTQ, or that you’ve have, the better. somehow changed their dreams for you. This feeling of rejection is very common among parents of I can’t come out to my all teens, as teens becomes more parent(s) or guardians(s). independent and parents have to Whom should I tell? let go of their image of who or what their child will be. Parents of THE SHORT ANSWER: If not children who are LGBTQ might feel your parent(s) or guardian(s), this sense of loss and rejection even tell only those people whom more strongly. you want to know and whom you have reason to trust.

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136041_book.indd 25 5/21/14 5:45 AM Coming out isn’t something that from you? Would they tell other you do once, and then it’s over. You kids at school? What would happen might decide to come out now to if they did? Do you have a support family members and later to friends, system to help you if this is the case? or the other way around. Or perhaps Having a strong support network is you could come out to a sibling critical as you start the coming out now, and later to the rest of the process. The resources at the back family and your friends. of this publication—including your local PFLAG chapter—are a great If you are transgender or place to start! gender nonconforming, some people, including your teachers, Think also about what you could principal, and classmates, might lose by not telling a particular be uncomfortable with how you person. Is your relationship with publicly express yourself, especially your friend strained because you’re if it challenges people’s sense of keeping a secret from them? Would how they believe you be closer women and men with them and are supposed to Lucky to be from a family be able to get dress and act. of free thinkers, coming more support How you express out to my parents was from them if they your gender is easy. What was not so understood why something to easy was losing friends you were acting think about, I trusted. But for every withdrawn? friend I lost all those years discuss with ago, I’m fortunate to have Think about what people you trust, two in their place that kinds of things and evaluate understand and cherish me in terms of for who I am. you’ve been able to share with them in your safety and - Wain S., 21, Casper, Wyoming what kind of the past and how community you they have reacted. have to support you. If you want to come out to someone in particular, and you aren’t sure The people you tell first should be how they’ll react, try to feel them the ones you trust the most. You out first. You could get them talking need to be able to trust them not to about a current event, book, movie, hurt you, to accept you for who you or TV show about people who are are, and to respect your privacy and LGBTQ. not tell anyone you don’t want told. Keep in mind, though, that Think about what you could lose someone’s reaction to an LGBTQ by telling a particular person. If it’s person in a movie might not be the a friend, are they likely to withdraw same as it would be if that person WWW.PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 26

136041_book.indd 26 5/21/14 5:45 AM were their sibling or their friend. Will people accept me after And it can work both ways: people I come out? might seem either more or less prejudiced in a hypothetical or THE SHORT ANSWER: Some fictional situation than they would people will accept you and when responding to someone close some won’t. to them. Prejudice and discrimination are For example, because homophobia everywhere in America and around and transphobia are so common, the world and it takes time to a friend or a loved one might overcome bias and change attitudes. without thinking joke about an LGBTQ character in a movie—or If you are LGBTQ, it is more might do so because they think likely than not that you will run you expect that—but show far into prejudice. Our society has a more thoughtfulness and a desire “straight assumption.” We’re taught to understand when responding by our families, our schools, our to your coming out. On the other religions, and the media to assume hand, friends and loved ones that everyone is straight, which who seem accepting of LGBTQ often influences us to discriminate characters in the media might be against those who aren’t or far less accepting of someone close who don’t appear to be. That to them who identifies as LGBTQ. assumption has begun to change, but it is still real for many people. To get a sense of how someone might react to your being LGBTQ, Our society also has assumptions try to keep your questions specific, about what it means to be a boy or personal, and thought provoking. girl or a man or woman and may If, for example, you have a friend judge others by how they conform who has an older brother off at to those preconceptions. These are college or in the military, you called “traditional gender roles” or could say something like, “I’ve “gender stereotypes,” and they refer been reading about gay-straight to how people are “supposed” to alliances on college campuses” or behave. These biases are changing “I’ve been reading about marriage too—women in the workforce have equality for people who are gay and transformed perceptions about the lesbian. Would you be upset if your professions they “should” be in, for brother came home and told you example. But roles remain rigid in he was gay?” (Your friend might many places. Men with long hair are even surprise you and answer, “My more accepted now than in the past, brother is gay.”) but having long hair is not seen as acceptable in all areas of our culture.

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136041_book.indd 27 5/21/14 5:45 AM The prejudice you run into could Will I lose my non-LGBTQ be fairly mild. For example, friends? Where will I find someone assuming you’re straight LGBTQ friends? and thereby embarrassing you (and themselves). Or it could be far more THE SHORT ANSWER: To serious: people who are LGBTQ the first question—probably are sometimes kicked out of their not. And to the second— homes, fired from their jobs—or everywhere. worse—just for being LGBTQ. It is usually easier to be close Anti-LGBTQ biases are being to someone who is not hiding challenged, however, as more and anything and is comfortable with more people are getting to know themselves. people who are LGBTQ, because more of them are out than ever When coming out, though, be before. Attitudes are also changing careful to trust only those who because other people are standing you are confident will respect your up with the LGBTQ community privacy and confidentiality. Friends to say, “They are who tend to gossip can cause my friends,” “they I came out as a lesbian to are my children,” my sister, and it was easy. problems, even if or “they are my I came out as a lesbian they don’t mean brothers”—and to my mother, and it was to hurt you. “I’m proud of okay. I came out as a them.” We call lesbian to my father, and Some friends will these supportive it was difficult. I came out be supportive individuals as a lesbian to my friends, right away. One “allies.” and it was near impossible. or two friends - Anonymous, 16 might have Right now in Hayle, Cornwall, United Kingdom already guessed the U.S., it is that you’re not estimated that eight in ten people straight or that you are transgender, say that they personally know and you may find that you already someone who is LGBT. If you have LGBTQ friends and didn’t choose to come out, you’ll be part know it. of making that number even bigger, giving people the opportunity to Just as with your parents, consider get to know you. and transforming how each friend is likely to feel biased beliefs to ones of acceptance. when they learn that you are LGBTQ, and how you can let them see that you haven’t changed as a person; offering them some of the

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136041_book.indd 28 5/21/14 5:45 AM resources listed in the back of this groups for LGBTQ people who are publication can help. differently abled.

Talking to friends who are LGBTQ Even if it seems to you that you must about their coming out experiences be the only LGBTQ person at your can also help. Finding new friends school, you aren’t. With as much who are LGBTQ is really important. as 3.5% of the population being These are people who know exactly LGBTQ, there are other LGBTQ what you’re going through because students at your school whom you they’ve been there, or are in the might already know (but not know process of coming out themselves. that they’re LGBTQ) or whom you might not yet have met. Remember LGBTQ youth organizations are this the next time you may feel alone. a good place to start because you won’t have to try to figure out whether another teen there is LGBTQ or an ally. Most major cities Can I have a family of my have LGBTQ youth organizations own? where you’ll be able to meet people easily. You’ll find new friends with THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes. whom you can share experiences and support, and learn more about Throughout the world, same-sex yourself. Your school might have couples form and build long-lasting a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA), families. Many same-sex couples and GSAs almost always have a hold ceremonies to celebrate their supportive teacher or staff member commitment to each other and as a sponsor. This is another to share their relationship with excellent place to find not only peer family and friends. As of May support but also a trusted adult. 2014, same-sex marriage is legal in Washington, D.C., and the following If you’re in a small town or in a states: California, Connecticut, rural area, it may be harder to find Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, groups like these. In that case, you Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, can get in touch with peers through Minnesota, New Hampshire, New the websites and hotlines listed Jersey, New Mexico, New York, in the back of this publication. Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, The organizations in the resource Vermont, and Washington, with directory can also help you find a number of other states moving more specific groups, such as ever-closer to legalizing marriage organizations for LGBTQ African equality. Countries around the world Americans, Arabs, Asian-Pacific are beginning to embrace marriage Islanders, or Latinos/as or support equality as well. As of January

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136041_book.indd 29 5/22/14 1:54 PM 2014, the Netherlands, Belgium, continue to change, adoption Spain, Canada, South Africa, of children by LGBTQ couples Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland, is becoming more common. An Argentina, Denmark, France, Brazil, estimated 110,000 adopted children Uruguay, Nepal, New Zealand, live with LGBTQ couples, and England, Scotland, and Wales an additional 2 million same- had legalized same-sex marriage. sex couples say they would be Additionally, same-sex marriage is interested in adopting a child at legally recognized in Mexico City, some point in their lives. Cancun, and in 11 Brazilian states. While there are still many legal and A record number of companies, legislative challenges for same-sex including a majority of companies couples, LGBTQ people throughout in the Fortune 500, now treat same- the world are living with partners sex partners the same as married and/or spouses in happy, healthy, couples and and thriving provide health- relationships care coverage and Close friends were a very and families. other benefits important and helpful They also play for their LGBTQ support network. By a tremendous employees’ surrounding myself with role in helping positive people, allies and partners. create a society volunteering with LGBT Additionally, organizations I found in which these the United comfort and confidence. relationships States federal - Lauren M., 22, Phoenix, Arizona receive support to government thrive. has extended to married same-sex couples all of the same services, rights, and responsibilities as married I feel so alone, are there opposite-sex couples. people I can talk to?

Many same-sex couples are also THE SHORT ANSWER: You raising children together. Some aren’t alone. There are people couples and individuals have used out there who are ready to help. assisted reproduction in order to conceive a child. Other LGBTQ First and foremost, if you have people are raising children from any thoughts of self-harm, previous opposite-sex relationships turn immediately to the front on their own or with their new inside cover of this book for a partners. As people become more list of helpline numbers that educated and society’s attitudes you can call.

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136041_book.indd 30 5/22/14 1:54 PM The best thing you can do is find listing of youth resources in your someone to talk to whom you can community. trust. Maybe it is an individual you already know—a friend, parent, Start by visiting pflag.org/find sibling, or a friend’s parent or older to find the chapter nearest you. sibling. Maybe it’s an adult to whom You can also contact the PFLAG you have confided in the past and National office by phone (202-467- whom you know you can trust again. 8180) or email (info@pflag.org) for further assistance. If you don’t know anyone with whom you’re comfortable talking Whatever you choose, talking and who will be supportive and does help. Talking to others and understanding, start by calling being open and honest can be an one of the helpline numbers affirming way for you to connect or online help sections of the with your own feelings, connect organizations listed in the back of with others in your life, and this publication. You don’t have to connect with those in vibrant and give your name, and they won’t try diverse LGBT communities. And to talk you into or out of anything. best of all, you’ll learn that you’re really not alone. If you don’t feel ready to talk with someone on the phone, you can learn more by reading resources and information from other youth STAYING SAFE on some of the websites listed at the end of this publication. What if I’m harassed at Many organizations provide email school? addresses to which you can send questions confidentially. Others THE SHORT ANSWER: have live chat support. Please You don’t have to deal with remember to use good judgment harassment at school; there when making any contacts, whether are many resources available on the phone, online, or in person. to help you. Your safety and well-being should School can be a hard place for always be your top priority. LGBTQ youth, who might hear One of the best places to find jokes and insults on a regular basis support is at a PFLAG chapter not only from other students, but meeting. PFLAG has more than 350 sometimes from teachers or school chapters located in all 50 states, and employees as well. Some people can provide you—in confidence— who are LGBTQ are physically educational materials as well as a assaulted at school or by classmates

31 BE YOURSELF WWW.PFLAG.ORG

136041_book.indd 31 5/21/14 5:45 AM off school property. For transgender that require schools to respond to youth, most schools do not have reports of bullying and harassment. dress codes, bathrooms, locker In other places, courts are holding rooms, gym classes, or athletic schools responsible for failing to teams that meet their needs. provide remedies to anti-LGBT bullying and harassment. You do Regardless of your sexual not need to endure this treatment orientation or gender identity or from anyone. expression, you have the right to a safe learning environment, and If you are not getting support at there are lots school and are of resources looking for help, available to When I was in 8th grade, you can contact help you and I was outed, endured PFLAG or one bullying, and became your parent(s) of the other depressed. My mom or guardian(s) really struggled with my organizations create such an sexuality for years. Finally, listed in the back environment. through a lot of struggle, of this publication. One of PFLAG’s I accepted it and so did Visit pflag.org/ top priorities is she. Five years later, I am a safeschools to help students, strong and proud member and pflag.org/ parents, of the LGBT community claimyourrights guardians, and my mom started for more and educators working for the PFLAG in information create safe our state. and safe school - Magdalen S., 17, Fenton, and affirming Michigan resources. schools. To learn more about safe- schools programs available through a chapter near you, please visit What if I’m harassed pflag.org/safeschools. outside of school?

If you are being harassed by your THE SHORT ANSWER: peers or finding barriers to being Harassment outside of school yourself at school, try talking to a should be reported to the local supportive teacher or staff member police or to an adult you trust. or to someone else in your life who can listen and give you support. If you are harassed, assaulted, or a victim in any way because of Ask to see your school’s harassment, your sexual orientation or gender bullying, and discrimination identity or expression, contact your policies. Many states have laws local police or tell a trusted adult

WWW.PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 32

136041_book.indd 32 5/21/14 5:45 AM as soon as possible. You may have video game systems, or other been the victim of a hate crime. technology to send or post text or images intended to harm or Hate crimes occur when someone embarrass another person. If targets another person based on a you are at any time harassed, characteristic they have or a group threatened, taunted, or teased via they belong to, like being LGBTQ technology—no matter where you or being a member of a certain are—it is important to contact a race. In America, any violent assault trusted adult or authority as soon against an LGBTQ person because as possible. of their sexuality or gender identity can be considered a federal crime. Remember: You are not alone, and This is part of the Matthew Shepard there are people ready to help. Visit and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes pflag.org/cyberbullying for more Prevention Act, which was passed information. Additionally, the into law in 2009. resources section of this publication will help you find organizations Many states have their own hate that can provide assistance. crime laws which protect their citizens. Even if your state doesn’t While harassment and cyber protect against crimes committed bullying do not always elevate to due to sexual orientation and the level of a hate crime, they are gender identity/expression bias, you just as potentially detrimental and can still file a police report and seek dangerous. justice.

If what happened to you wasn’t exactly a crime, but it made you Do I need to worry about feel threatened, you can still file HIV and AIDS? an incident report at your local police station. It’s very important THE SHORT ANSWER: to tell the police what happened— Everybody needs to be imagine if the people who tried to informed about HIV and hurt you try to hurt you again, or AIDS. try to hurt another person in town. The police have a sworn duty to HIV (human immunodeficiency protect you, your friends, and your virus) is the virus that causes AIDS family, no matter who you are. (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome). Unlike some viruses, According to the National Crime HIV cannot be eliminated by the Prevention Council, cyber bullying human body: as of now, once is using the Internet, cell phones, you have HIV, you have it for life.

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136041_book.indd 33 5/21/14 5:45 AM Doctors, researchers, activists, despite overwhelming statistics and others around the world are documenting the spread of HIV/ working hard to find one, but AIDS in other communities, many there is still no cure for HIV/AIDS. people still choose to view HIV/ Improved treatments, however, AIDS as only a gay issue. Visit www. are increasingly alleviating the cdc.gov/hiv/basics/transmission. symptoms and prolonging life. html for a comprehensive list of how HIV/AIDS is spread. Since the onset of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, many people have The fact is that being LGBT does viewed HIV/AIDS as strictly a gay not infect a person with HIV or issue. The LGBTQ community— AIDS. Certain sexual behaviors, IV including PFLAG’s founders and drug use, and other factors can put first leaders—mobilized early one at risk for becoming infected in the epidemic to organize a with HIV as well as other sexually response. This response included transmitted infections (STIs). educating communities, increasing LGBT visibility to reduce stigma, For the most up-to-date developing prevention strategies, information on HIV/AIDS, and advocating for appropriate including high-risk behaviors, care and treatment options for testing, treatment, and more, visits people living with HIV/AIDS. Yet the Centers for Disease Control and the epidemic has continued to Prevention’s HIV/AIDS website at progress and take its toll on many www.cdc.gov/hiv/. diverse communities globally. Still,

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136041_book.indd 34 5/21/14 5:45 AM RESOURCES

PFLAG National has several projects Deaf Queer Resource Center that support and inform, including www.deafqueer.org/411/about/ Straight for Equality and A Note index.html To My Kid. Please visit pflag.org planet.deafqueer.com/welcome/ for more information on these and other resources. EveryoneIsGay.com www.everyoneisgay.com Other Support and Family Acceptance Project Advocacy Organizations [email protected] familyproject.sfsu.edu There are numerous other organizations that work on behalf Family Equality Council (FEC) of people who are LGBTQ. The www.familyequality.org following list includes just a few of the (617) 502-8700 groups that may be able to provide Gay Asian Pacific Support Network you with information or services: www.gapsn.org Advocates For Youth (213) 368-6488 www.advocatesforyouth.org Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education (202) 419-3420 Network (GLSEN) Ali Forney Center www.glsen.org www.aliforneycenter.org (212) 727-0135 (212) 222-3427 Gay-Straight Alliance Network Bisexual Resource Center (GSA Network) www.biresource.net www.gsanetwork.org (617) 424-9595 (415) 552-4229 Children of Lesbians and Gays Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Everywhere (COLAGE) Defamation (GLAAD) www.colage.org www.glaad.org (415) 861-5437 (323) 933-2240

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136041_book.indd 35 5/21/14 5:45 AM Hetrick-Martin Institute National Queer Asian Pacific (Home of Harvey Milk Islander Alliance High School) www.nqapia.org www.hmi.org (202) 422-4909 (212) 674-2400 Sexuality Information and Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Education Council of the United www.hrc.org States (SEICUS) (202) 628-4160 www.SIECUS.org (212) 819-9770 It Gets Better www.itgetsbetter.org The Transgender Law Center www.transgenderlawcenter.org Lambda Legal Defense and (415) 865-0176 Education Fund www.lambdalegal.org The Trevor Project (212) 809-8585 www.thetrevorproject.org www.thetrevorproject.org/chat Lavender Youth Recreation and (866) 488-7386 Information Center (LYRIC) www.lyric.org Unid@s (415) 703-6150 www.unidoslgbt.com

National Black Justice Coalition Youth Resource www.nbjc.org www.youthresource.com (202) 319-1552 (202) 419-3420

National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) www.nclrights.org Publications, Periodicals, (415) 392-6257 and Films: There are literally thousands of National Center for Transgender books, magazines, newspapers, Equality (NCTE) newsletters, and films available that www.transequality.org provide additional support and (202) 903-0112 resources to parents and families of National Gay and Lesbian people who are LGBTQ as well as Task Force LGBTQ individuals themselves. www.thetaskforce.org (202) 393-5177

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136041_book.indd 36 5/21/14 5:45 AM One great place to start is the CDC • American College of website for LGBTQ resources for Pediatricians youth and families, www.cdc.gov/ lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm. Also, • American Family Association use your favorite search engine to • Christian Communication research “lgbt youth resources.” Network • Christian Families with Faith for Lesbians and Gays (CFLAG) Anti-LGBT Organizations to Avoid: • Concerned Women for America There are a number of groups that • Courage/Encourage have formed to oppose basic civil • Eagle Forum rights and equality for people who are LGBT. Many are difficult to • Exodus International (as immediately identify since they of 2013, shut down and frequently claim that they are renamed “Speak Love.” No committed to “traditional values,” information as of yet whether when in reality they advocate for this organization holds the harmful “reparative therapy” and same views as the previous anti-LGBT legislation. incarnation)

Knowing who they are and the • Family Research Council harm that they pose to you is • Family Research Institute critical. Below are the names of just a few of these groups. You can learn • Focus on the Family more about such groups online. People for the American Way (www. • Jews Offering New Alternatives pfaw.org) has a resource center to Homosexuality (JONAH) that lists some of these groups, • Liberty Counsel descriptions of their work, and archives of what they’ve advocated • National Association for in their own words. Research and Therapy for Homosexuality (NARTH) • Parents & Friends of Ex-Gays Some of the organizations covered and Gays (PFOX) include: • Positive Alternatives to Homosexuality (PATH) • American Center for Law and Justice • Traditional Values Coalition

37 BE YOURSELF WWW.PFLAG.ORG

136041_book.indd 37 5/21/14 5:45 AM SUPPORT PFLAG

The Benefits of PFLAG National ● Invitations to local, regional, and membership: national events and conferences ● The PFLAG Voice, our monthly ● Voting privileges for national enewsletter; board members and regional ● A subscription to our annual directors newsletter, the PFLAGpole ● Satisfaction that you are part ● Action Alerts via email; of the nation’s largest network ● Discounts on PFLAG of parents, families, friends, publications; and allies advocating for LGBT equality

To join as an at-large member, visit www.pflag.org or fill in the application below and mail the application to: PFLAG National, 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 660, Washington, DC 20036

Member Information: Name: ______Address: ______City: ______State: _____ Zip Code: ______Phone: ______Email: ______Payment Information: n Check enclosed made payable to PFLAG. n Visa n Mastercard n Discover n American Express n Please charge my card (minimum annual membership: $50): n $50 n $100 n $250 n $500 n $1,000 n Other amount: $______Card Number: ______Exp.: _____ / _____ Important: For your membership payment to be processed, the member name and address must match what appears on your credit card billing statement. If you wish to purchase a membership as a gift for someone else, please call the PFLAG National office at (202) 467-8180, ext. 220.

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136041_book.indd 38 5/22/14 1:57 PM OTHER PFLAG PUBLICATIONS

Our Daughters and Sons: Questions Faith in Our Families: Parents, and Answers for Parents of Gay, Families, and Friends TalkaAbout Lesbian, and Bisexual People Religion and Homosexuality One of our most popular Discovering that a loved one is publications, this is a “must read” LGBT can pose new questions for parents who are forming new about your faith and may prompt and honest relationships with a you to reevaluate beliefs that you loved one who has come out to previously took for granted. By them. This publication answers using personal experiences, this several commonly asked questions publication provides examples about having a gay child and for reconciling your faith with the includes a list of related resources. knowledge that a loved one is gay. The booklet includes an updated Welcoming Our Trans Family list of gay and lesbian religious and and Friends spiritual groups to watch out for. This publication is a resource for parents and friends of transgender Nuestras hijas y nuestros hijos: and gender-nonconforming adults preguntas y respuestas para padres and youth. This guide will help de gays, lesbianas, y bisexuales answer some of your questions A culturally appropriate Spanish and concerns. This publication translation of Our Daughters and provides information, resources, Sons, this publication is a valuable and strategies on creating a safe resource for Spanish-speaking space for transgender and gender- families coming to terms with nonconforming family and friends, LGBT loved ones who are coming as well as addressing your own out. It answers commonly asked feelings. questions about having a gay or lesbian loved one and includes Spanish language resources.

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136041_book.indd 39 5/21/14 5:46 AM guide to being a straight ally and allied health professionals can (2012 Edition) change or save lives. This guide will help you understand be not afraid, help is on the way! how straight allies fit in the effort straight for equality in faith to achieve equality for all. Learn communities more about what it means to be a straight ally and get some great tips No matter where your faith and tools to being more supportive community falls on LGBT people of your LGBT friends, family, and and/or issues, Straight for Equality colleagues. is here to help. Learn how to address your own discomfort read this before you put your when it comes to LGBT issues metatarsals between your mandible in the context of your religious and maxilla: straight for equality in beliefs, how you can become an healthcare ally, and how you can take small but important steps to express your This guide helps health-care support for the LGBT community. professionals understand how they too can help move equality All publications are available as forward. By being more inclusive in a free download at pflag.org/ their language and learning more publications and also for purchase. about the unique challenges that Visit our website or call (202) 467- LGBT people face, doctors, nurses, 8180 for more information.

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136041_book.indd 40 5/21/14 5:46 AM PFLAG National 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 660 Washington, DC 20036 (202) 467-8180 pflag.org

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