Wooden Overcoats Episode 5

Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE FIVE – SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER By T. A. Woodsmith

Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG Mayor Desmond Desmond ~ STEVE HODSON Seymour Prophitte ~ MAX OLESKER Chairman ~ PIP GLADWIN Waitress ~ HOLLY CAMPBELL

Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com

1 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SCENE 1.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one. It isn’t anymore. And though the village has never been happier, one woman still toils in her mortuary, alone and forever unloved. But today was the day she did something about it. Today was the day that Antigone Funn discovered… flirting.

THEME TUNE.

ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes. Episode Five: She Stoops to Conquer, by T. A. Woodsmith.

2 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SCENE 2.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) The morning had seemed ordinary enough. I awoke, stretched my weary paws, crept out from the hole in the skirting board, and wandered into the kitchen to gather the crumbs of Rudyard’s toast at the foot of the breakfast table.

FUNN FUNERALS KITCHEN. MORNING.

RUDYARD: (CRUNCHING TOAST)

ANTIGONE: (BLOWS ON COFFEE, SIPS)

NEWSPAPER PAGE TURNS.

RUDYARD: Oh God. (BEAT) Oh Good God. (BEAT) Antigone, I can’t believe my eyes. (BEAT) Antigone?

ANTIGONE: (NOT LISTENING) Mmm?

RUDYARD: I don’t believe it. At all. I can’t believe what I’m reading. In the slightest. Antigone.

ANTIGONE: (SLURP) I think the milk is off.

RUDYARD: Antigone! Pay attention! Ask me what’s up, or something!

ANTIGONE Why on Earth, dear brother, should I want to?

RUDYARD It’s what normal people do, over newspapers, at breakfast, in the morning!

3 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Since when have we been normal-

RUDYARD: ASK ME WHAT’S WRONG

ANTIGONE: What’s wrong, Rudyard?

RUDYARD: (HAPPY) Since you asked, on Tuesday, I’d just finished burying Mr Orton, and I was walking along thinking “Ah, Mr Orton. He oughtn’t to have done that. Oughtn’t to have stepped under that dangling piano-”

ANTIGONE: Silly place to leave a landmine.

RUDYARD: - when whose face slimed out of the newsagents? Eric ‘the scallywag’ Chapman!

ANTIGONE: Scallywag?

RUDYARD: I’m trying out monikers – and who should he happen to be walking with but dear old Sandy Topping! I’ve been eating that woman’s disgustingly dry flapjacks for almost a decade to try and secure her funeral – and take a look at today’s Piffling Matters.

THROWS NEWSPAPER ACROSS TABLE.

ANTIGONE: “Will it be a leap year? You decide.”

RUDYARD: Not that! That!

ANTIGONE: Oh. “Chapman and Topping make quite the pair at the very first Take Your Horse to Water Day parade.”

4 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Five minutes with Chapman, that’s all it took!

ANTIGONE: Rudyard.

RUDYARD: Do you know how many flapjacks a man can eat in a decade?

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, perhaps you should be getting out there, doing the rounds a bit – being nice to people.

RUDYARD: I hardly think we need a gimmick like that.

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS.

GEORGIE: Mourning!

ANTIGONE: Good morning Georgie.

GEORGIE: No I was thinking of mourning, with a U in it. Could be our catchphrase, like, “Mourning! It’s for you!” or “Mourning? Of course you are; your dog’s dead!”

ANTIGONE: Astonishing.

GEORGIE: I’m great at slogans. Kettle boiled?

ANTIGONE: Knock yourself out.

CLATTER, TEA POURING.

RUDYARD: Just look at his sulphurous face smirking at the old hag.

ANTIGONE: He has very nice skin. Looks like it would stretch well. Good for open casket.

5 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: He moisturizes every morning. Told me on that date we had.

RUDYARD: I can’t bear it! I simply can’t. (DESPAIR) I’m going to have to just...

ANTIGONE: You haven’t dated him since?

RUDYARD: Just...

GEORGIE: Nah. Too high maintenance.

RUDYARD: Antigone!

ANTIGONE: Interesting.

GEORGIE: Why?

ANTIGONE: Oh, no reason, shut up.

RUDYARD: Georgie!

GEORGIE: Is this milk OK?

ANTIGONE: I think it’s off.

RUDYARD: Someone!

ANTIGONE: Pass me the jam, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: You’ll die alone.

ANTIGONE: Very likely but I’d still like the jam, please.

6 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

JAM JAR ANGRILY PUT DOWN. ANTIGONE BUTTERS HER TOAST.

RUDYARD: Callous, that’s what you are. Our mother must have birthed you in a freezer. Oh stop scowling. You even scowled when you were born. (BEAT) Georgie, isn’t she always scowling?

CUTLERY CLATTER.

ANTIGONE: All I want is some peace and quiet before a full day’s work – is that so much to ask? Is it?

GEORGIE: Has anybody got the sugar?

RUDYARD: Work? Fiddling with an embalming machine?

ANTIGONE: At least when I do it I don’t flood the whole building!

GEORGIE: Don’t worry, I’ve found it.

UNSCREWS SUGAR CANNISTER.

RUDYARD: I’m doing the hard graft! Conducting services, booking appointments, nurturing friends-

ANTIGONE: Ha! What friends? One mouse!

MOUSE SQUEAK.

No offence, Madeleine.

7 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: At least I have a friend! What about you? All the faces in your life are stiff with rigor mortis!

UTENSILS DROPPED.

ANTIGONE: That’s it! If I wanted to feel terrible I’d talk to myself!

RUDYARD: Antigone?

ANTIGONE: I’m going to my mortuary!

RUDYARD: Oh come on, there’s no need to get-

DOOR SLAM.

(SIGH) Damn you, Chapman. Now you’re even ruining our breakfast.

GEORGIE: This sugar tastes funny.

RUDYARD: That’s not sugar; it’s Mrs Forrester. We ran out of urns.

SCENE 3.

8 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Antigone darted straight for the mortuary. I helped myself to a glob of jam and nipped after her.

MORTUARY. DOOR OPENS, ANTIGONE ENTERS. DOOR SLAMS.

ANTIGONE: (ANGRY) Why do I bother? Why am I still here? Why?

PUTS ON LAB COAT AND PLASTIC SLIPPERS.

I could go out somewhere, and meet someone! Just because I have no reason to doesn’t mean I couldn’t!

PICKS UP A CLIPBOARD FROM THE STAINLESS STEEL WORKTOP. PAPER NOISE.

(EXHALES) Who’s up first? ... Ms Emilia Lonesome. Eighty-six. Advanced decomposition due to extended period before discovery.

LIFTS SHEET.

Well, Ms Lonesome, I see you choked to death on a tiny pineapple and were left alone for several weeks. Which is why you’re decomposing. Because nobody found you. For weeks. Because you lived entirely… entirely…

STUMBLES INTO METAL INSTRUMENTS TROLLEY.

9 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Oh God! Rudyard’s right. I’m going to die alone. All this time I thought I was being discerning but I’ve been going about it all wrong. I want to be appreciated! I don’t want to be alone! (PAUSE) Well. Well! I’m not going to be alone. You hear me, Ms Lonesome?

PACES.

It’s time to put myself out there. Be bold, be brave; no more scowling, no more misery. Henceforward I will be open, and bright, and the sort of woman that Eric Chapman would-

STOPS PACING.

… Oh God, does that mean I have to be like Georgie? No! I shall out-Georgie Georgie! Yes!... I’d better ask Georgie how to do that. Mmm.

WALKS ACROSS AND EXITS.

SCENE 4.

10 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

PIFFLING GOLF CLUB. RAINING.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Meanwhile, Rudyard, taking Antigone’s advice, had embarked on a desperate quest to curry favour with the locals. He’d bought every loaf of bread in the Piffling bakery, taken cups of tea to every workman on the island, and passed several squirrels without yelling at any of them. I found him at the Piffling Golf Club, slowly sinking into the bunker.

PIFFLING GOLF CLUB. RAINING.

RUDYARD: Now look here, Madeleine. Mayor Desmond Desmond never misses a round of his Tuesday midday golf. Not even inclement weather can stop him.

MOUSE SQUEAK

It might skew his aim a bit, but I bet he’d still get here. I need to get back into his good books after that flipping fête fiasco. One day, that man’s funeral will be the biggest on Piffling, and I’m going to be conducting it if it’s the last thing I ever-

MAYOR: Good morning, Rudyard!

RUDYARD: (STARTLED) Ahh! Mayor, good morning Mayor morning.

MOUSE SQUEAK

MAYOR: I don’t wish to worry you but is that a mouse in your pocket?

11 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Yes, don’t you have one?

MAYOR: No… Well, I’ll soon change that… Anyway, I didn’t know you were a golfing sort!

RUDYARD: Oh yes. Love golf. Fantastic game.

MAYOR: What do you parr?

RUDYARD: Well, almost everything.

MAYOR: I mean, what’s your handicap?

RUDYARD: How dare you, I was born like this.

MAYOR: I play off four myself. How about you?

RUDYARD: I play off... eighty-six?

MAYOR: Good God, I hope I’m not behind you.

RUDYARD: Are you here alone, your worship?

MAYOR: Why, what are you offering?

RUDYARD: I just wanted to remind you of the fine services that we provide at Funn Funerals – oh, have a box of chocolates.

HANDS OVER BOX.

MAYOR: Gosh, thank you! But, er, I’m meeting someone, actually.

RUDYARD: Oh?

12 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MAYOR: Yes, your friend. Smashing chap, fantastic golfer. You should see his long iron.

RUDYARD: My... friend?

MAYOR: Yes. Eric Chapman. You introduced us.

RUDYARD: My friend?!

MAYOR: You know; tall, handsome, confident chap. (BEAT) Runs the funeral home opposite yours-

RUDYARD: YES I KNOW.

MAYOR: Oh, dear, I’m… terribly sorry – please, don’t hit me.

ERIC Morning all!

MAYOR: Eric! Thank God.

THE RAIN COMES TO A STOP. SUN COMES OUT.

ERIC: I didn’t know you were a golfer, Rudyard. Nice plus fours.

RUDYARD: Equals what, exactly? Horrible?

ERIC: What?

MAYOR: I say, we should probably play on through, shouldn’t we? It’s sunny now and everything.

ERIC: Sure thing, Dezza.

13 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MOUSE GASP.

RUDYARD: (GASP) Dezza?! Your worship-

MAYOR: Lovely talking to you! Let’s do it again soon!

ERIC Enjoy yourself, Rudyard! I hope you’re wearing golfing socks.

RUDYARD: Golfing socks?

ERIC: They’re the pair with a hole in one!

MAYOR: (OFF) Ha ha ha! Very good. Fancy a chocolate?

ERIC: (OFF) Ooo, ta.

RUDYARD: DAMN IT! Damn damn damn damn damn!

KICKS BAG OF GOLF CLUBS. A LAMBOURGHINI PULLS UP. CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.

SEYMOUR: (OFF) Rudyard Funn? Is that you, chap?

RUDYARD: Go away, I’m having a moment.

SEYMOUR: Rudster, it’s me: Seymour! How you doing, fella?

RUDYARD: Seymour?

SEYMOUR: See-me. Seemster. Seymour “Come up and see me and I can make you a millionaire, look I’ve made two and a half just standing here talking to you” Prophitte!

14 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Seymour Prophitte? You’ve come back.

SEYMOUR: Knew you’d remember! Your father put mine in the ground all those years ago – quietly and no questions asked if I recall. Very sporting of him.

RUDYARD: He was haunted by the guilt for the rest of his life.

SEYMOUR: That’s the fella’! Anyway, I just popped back to see the family, laugh at some old friends, that sort of thing. You keeping up? You look kind of, well, awful.

RUDYARD: Thank you.

SEYMOUR: Your legs must be very cold in that kilt.

RUDYARD: So cold. Why is no one else wearing one? I thought everyone wore tartan?

SEYMOUR: I can’t talk: I’m in my whites. If they don’t like it down at the club, I’ll just buy the place; see if they don’t let me play golf in my underpants then. HA!

RUDYARD: Right.

SEYMOUR: How ‘bout a game? Tiger cancelled last minute. What’s your handicap?

RUDYARD: I was born this way! Look, I’m having a terrible day, I can’t feel my knees; I’m going home.

SEYMOUR: Shame.

15 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: And besides which, I have always found you to be the most unethical, nauseating-

SEYMOUR: You see, I’d appreciate the company – old Granny Prophitte isn’t too well at all.

RUDYARD: … completely brilliant sporting companion – oh dear poor granny, how is she?

SEYMOUR: Really bad, poor thing. Really bad. Fore!

GOLF SWING. DISTANT SOUND OF BALL ENTERING HOLE.

RUDYARD: I’m so extremely sorry.

SEYMOUR: What are you talking about; that was a hole in one.

RUDYARD: Your grandmother.

SEYMOUR: Oh yes. Very sad. Really last legs kind of stuff. Fancy a swing?

RUDYARD: Oh, yes. Er… Fore!

BALL IS THWACKED. SMASHES A NEARBY WINDOW.

SEYMOUR: Hard luck.

CHAIRMAN: (OFF) My favourite window!

16 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: I don’t want to sound insensitive, Seymour, but may I take this opportunity to remind you of the fine services we offer at Funn Funerals?

SEYMOUR: Not at all, I respect that. I’ll cut to the chase with you Rudders, because I’ve always liked you.

RUDYARD: Really?

SEYMOUR: No, that’s just something I say. But Granny Prophitte’s on her way out, and I haven’t spent two decades getting filthy rich just to spend it all on women, Lamborghinis, and an incredibly heavy pocket watch.

RUDYARD: Can I touch it?

SEYMOUR: No. When the olive hits the martini, when it’s time for the ones you love, you’ve got to give something back. And I intend to do that. With lots and lots of cash.

RUDYARD: (WEAK) Lots is my favourite number.

MOBILE PHONE ALERT.

SEYMOUR: Ah! Gotta run, Rudy. A client wants to buy the Isle of Man. But listen, why don’t I swing by your place this afternoon, see what you can offer?

RUDYARD: I love you.

SEYMOUR: It’s only human.

CAR DOOR OPEN.

17 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SEYMOUR: See you, Rudy! Oh, and you’d better whip out your cheque book. I think the Chairman of the Club wants a word about that window.

CAR DOOR CLOSES. LAMBOURGHINI SPEEDS AWAY.

SCENE 5.

18 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard clicked his heels, hollered for joy, paid off an irate golf club chairman, and cartwheeled home to prepare a funerary package for his new client. Meanwhile, in the mortuary…

DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

ANTIGONE: In you pop, Georgie. Make yourself at home.

GEORGIE: You’ve never asked me down here before.

ANTIGONE: Yes, well, I thought you should see the nuts and bones of what I do here.

GEORGIE: Nuts and bones?

ANTIGONE: That’s a joke, but you’re not meant to laugh. Don’t touch anything.

GEORGIE: Uh-huh.

ANTIGONE: Just put on that apron, and the plastic shoe covers. Like I’m wearing.

PLASTIC FOOTSTEPS.

GEORGIE: What are they for?

ANTIGONE: We’re embalming people, Georgie, there’s a lot you can step in.

APRON AND PLASTIC SHOE COVERS PUT ON.

19 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Today we’re working on Miss Lonesome, here. She’s a little squishy but don’t take any notice.

GEORGIE: Cool!

ANTIGONE: First we’re going to set the features, make sure she’s not winking at anyone during the ceremony. Alright? Good. Do you have a boyfriend?

GEORGIE: What?

ANTIGONE: Sorry, is that too personal?

GEORGIE: Er – no no, I’m single at the moment.

ANTIGONE: And have you done a lot of... that?

GEORGIE: Having boyfriends?

ANTIGONE: Yes.

GEORGIE: Yeah, I’ve had tons. I’m great at relationships.

ANTIGONE: Excellent. So tell me, if you will, how one might go about-

ANTIGONE WRENCHES CORPSE LEG OUT OF RIGOR MORTIS.

GEORGIE: What on Earth are you doing?!

ANTIGONE: I’m asking you about attracting the opposite... sex.

GEORGIE: I meant with that dead woman’s leg!

20 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

ANTIGONE: Oh, we’re just flexing the limbs to relieve tension. It allows the embalming fluids smooth and easy passage – so do you have a formal courtship ritual or what?

ANOTHER LEG WRENCH.

GEORGIE: I – er – yes, well, there’s flirting, I suppose. Until they really fancy me, and then we start dating.

ANTIGONE: I see, I see, yes.

ARM WRENCH.

GEORGIE: This isn’t about Eric, is it?

ANTIGONE: What, no, shut up.

GEORGIE: You asked this morning if me and him-

ANTIGONE: It’s got nothing to do with Chapman, how could it, you’re ridiculous, don’t be silly in the mortuary.

UNDER ABOVE: THREE LIMBS CRACKING.

GEORGIE: OK OK OK!

ANTIGONE: This is purely hypothetical. Now, how does one… “flirt?”

GEORGIE: I guess you’ve got to pretend that you feel really sexy. So you’re letting them know that you’re a really sexy woman.

ANTIGONE: Pass the scalpel.

21 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: Well, that’s a bit full-on for an opening gambit, but he might be into that-

ANTIGONE: No. Pass me the scalpel.

GEORGIE: Oh. Sorry.

SCALPEL PICKED UP FROM METAL TROLLEY..

You’ve got to smile all the time like you’re just really happy to gaze into his lovely eyes; and you’ve got to move languidly, you know, like a warm sexy river; and you have to laugh at everything he says. But a really sexy laugh.

ANTIGONE: You’re saying ‘sexy’ a lot.

GEORGIE: Ooh, and you must say their name all the time – that’s really important, I read about it, it’s science so it’s definitely true.

ANTIGONE: And this works does it?

GEORGIE: Probably. I’ve never done it; people just like me. Do you wanna give it a go?

ANTIGONE: Now?

GEORGIE: Just pretend I’m Eric.

ANTIGONE: IT’S GOT NOTHING-

22 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: Or whoever. Slink over to me and gaze into my eyes and use my name a lot and – oh! Ask questions about me, that’s really important, probably.

ANTIGONE: Alright, let me just warm up the embalmer.

PLASTIC FEET MOVE AWAY. EMBALMING MACHINE BEEPS. RHYTHMIC PUMP AND SUCTION.

GEORGIE: And… sexy river!

PLASTIC FEET RETURN BUT… SLINKING.

ANTIGONE: Ah, hello Georgie.

GEORGIE: Good…

ANTIGONE: How are you, Georgie?

GEORGIE: Good, and now – laugh!

ANTIGONE: (SHRILL LAUGH)

GEORGIE: (BEAT) OK, that was... an attempt. Maybe try and make the laugh gentler, like this: (GENTLE LAUGH)

ANTIGONE: (GENTLER SHRILL LAUGH)

GEORGIE: Think a bit more “angels and babbling brooks and frolicking spring lambs in a gazebo.”

ANTIGONE: (MORE CAREFREE LAUGH)

23 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

GEORGIE: And again.

ANTIGONE: (SAME CAREFREE LAUGH)

GEORGIE: Brilliant! I’m almost seduced myself.

SCENE 6.

24 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Whilst Antigone practiced her spontaneous laughter, in the next room Rudyard was deep in negotiations.

FUNN FUNERALS FLOOR.

RUDYARD: So, you see, Seymour, you can have a coffin painted any colour you want, so long as it’s brown.

SEYMOUR: Amazing. And the fur lining wouldn’t be a problem?

RUDYARD: No problem at all.

SEYMOUR: And you’re sure you could do the bubble cannons and go-go girls?

RUDYARD: We can look into it.

SEYMOUR: In the church?

RUDYARD: The vicar’s very liberal.

SEYMOUR: Strange request, I know, but Gran-mama was always a bit of an eccentric. (VOICE CRACKS) We... bloody loved her for that. (BLOWS NOSE)

RUDYARD: Watch out for the velvet – wait, I thought she hadn’t died yet?

SEYMOUR: (FURTIVE) What? Er, yes – well she probably has by now, we’ve been here a while. A hundred and six years old she was.

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RUDYARD: Well, do sit down. Would you like a coffee? We rented a kettle a few weeks ago. Or maybe some brandy?

SEYMOUR: Christ, no. Never touch any of that. Do you juice?

RUDYARD: Not consistently.

SEYMOUR: Shame. People love juices...

RUDYARD: Shall we go over payment options?

SEYMOUR: And smoothies...

RUDYARD: And have a look at some contracts?

SEYMOUR: You know, the man over the road has put a juice bar in.

RUDYARD: You’ve been there?

SEYMOUR: Decent bloke, that Chapman. Said he’d give a free smoothie to all of Granny’s guests at the funeral.

RUDYARD: (BEAT) You’ve been to Chapman’s?

SEYMOUR: Solar powered too. You know, Rudy, I think that his ideals and mine might be more... aligned.

RUDYARD: No no no! Look, we haven’t even talked about the complimentary... foam fingers! And, er, inflatable chairs!

SEYMOUR: Rudy, Rudy Rudy-

RUDYARD: NO NO NO, you’ve got to go with us! We’ll throw in a kettle – it’s very nearly ours!

26 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

ANTIGONE: Why do I hear shouting?

SEYMOUR: Oh, er, Seymour Prophitte. Pleased to meet you and, I think, very pleased to leave. Ta ta.

DOOR OPENS. BELL TINKLES.

RUDYARD: (CLOSE) Antigone! Do something!

ANTIGONE: Er, um – oh, Seymour! I’m sorry, what did you say your name was, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: It’s Seymour.

ANTIGONE: Seymour? I love that name. Seymour. It’s so... sexy. (THAT CAREFREE LAUGH)

DOOR CLOSE. BELL TINKLES.

RUDYARD: (BEAT) What?

ANTIGONE: Do you like your name, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: I never really-

ANTIGONE: It makes me feel all... smiley. (CAREFREE LAUGH)

RUDYARD: Good Lord, what are you doing to your face? Your mouth’s all bendy.

ANTIGONE: Seymour, it was so nice to meet you Seymour.

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SEYMOUR: Yes…

ANTIGONE: I hope I’ll, er, see more of you! (CAREFREE LAUGH)

RUDYARD: She’s gone mad.

PLASTIC SHOES SASHAY.

ANTIGONE: Do excuse me, I have some ... light, spring, gardening to do. (CAREFREE LAUGH CUT SHORT)

DOOR OPENS, BELL TINKLES, DOOR SMACKS ANTIGONE.

OW!

ERIC: Oh God, I’m so sorry, Antigone, I didn’t see you there.

RUDYARD: Chapman.

ERIC: Let me help you up.

ANTIGONE: No, what, shut up, where am I?

ERIC: How are you feeling?

ANTIGONE: Chapman? Look, it’s Chapman! (PAINED CAREFREE LAUGH)

ERIC: I think she may have concussion.

ANTIGONE: Yes, how sexy! (WEAK CAREFREE LAUGH)

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ERIC: Her face seems to be contorting. (AS IF TO AN INVALID) Can you raise your left arm up over your head?

ANTIGONE: Like this? (PAINED CAREFREE LAUGH)

ERIC: Well, I don’t think she’s suffered any cranial trauma, but you can never be too careful.

RUDYARD: What are you, a doctor?

ERIC: I studied medicine at Oxford.

RUDYARD: Of course you did.

ANTIGONE: I’ve simply got to go, Chapman!

PLASTIC SHOES SASHAY.

I must do some, light, spring, gardeni-AHHH!

FALLS INTO COFFIN. LID CLOSES.

RUDYARD: Dear God.

KNOCK KNOCK.

ANTIGONE: (D) I’m fine. (CAREFREE LAUGH).

LID UP.

I’ll just climb out of this coffin. (SHORT LAUGH) I’ll be… I’ll be… (SHORT LAUGH)… Gone.

MORTUARY DOOR CLOSES.

29 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

SEYMOUR: Incredible.

RUDYARD: I’m sorry about that, Seymour.

ERIC: Do you think she’ll be alright?

RUDYARD: We’ll let you know; off you go.

ERIC: Seymour, you left your Chapman’s DVD and vitamin- enriched smoothie over at mine-

SEYMOUR: Oh I don’t think I’ll need them, Eric, old stick. I’m proud to say I’ll be going with Funn Funerals!

ERIC / RUDYARD: Really?

ERIC: I mean – yes, sure, that’s… I mean, all power to you – really?

RUDYARD: Yes, well, you heard the man, off you pop, Chapman.

ERIC: OK, yes, um – Seymour, could you give us a clue why-

DOOR SLAM. BELL TINKLE.

ERIC: (OFF) (BEAT) Enjoy yourselves.

RUDYARD: Seymour, may I say what a clever and discerning choice you’d made today-

SEYMOUR: What. A. Woman!

30 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Excuse me?

SEYMOUR: The one who prowled in.

RUDYARD: Antigone?

SEYMOUR: Antigone. What a name. What a woman.

RUDYARD: The transparent one who just fell into a coffin?

SEYMOUR: She’s ravishing.

RUDYARD: Are you sure you mean Antigone?

SEYMOUR: I feel all relaxed, like a... warm, sexy river.

RUDYARD: Are you sure you don’t mean Chapman?

SEYMOUR: I can’t think why I’ve not met her before.

RUDYARD: Well she usually hides in the mortuary.

SEYMOUR: Absolutely enchanting!

RUDYARD: Seymour, would you like my sister to deal with you from now on?

SEYMOUR: Oh God yes! Set me up! I’d do right by her, Rudy – she’s like a gorgeous, precious fox of a jewel.

RUDYARD: Well, I meant she could do you a funeral, but, er…

SEYMOUR: If she’s involved, you’ve got my business for life! I want to see a lot more of her! Like dinner, tonight!

31 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Gosh. Well. Yes.

SEYMOUR: Awesome sauce. I’ll come by to pick her up at seven.

DOOR OPEN. BELL TINKLE.

And Rudy – call me the See-Meister.

RUDYARD That takes longer to say than “Seymour-”

SEYMOUR: You’ve earned it.

DOOR CLOSE. BELL TINKLE.

RUDYARD: I’ve done it. I’ve done it! I’ve beaten Chapman! HA! And all I had to do was arrange a romantic evening between my sister and the – oh yes, this could be rather awkward.

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

ANTIGONE: Have they gone?

RUDYARD: Ah. Antigone. Yes. Now, you might well be suffering a stroke, but regardless I think it’s time for you to take a more client-friendly role in the business.

ANTIGONE: You mean front of house?

RUDYARD: Yes.

ANTIGONE: I thought I was “strictly downstairs”.

32 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Well, as it turns out, you seem to have a knack with… certain people.

ANTIGONE: Really?

RUDYARD: Your face is doing that thing again.

ANTIGONE: I’m smiling.

RUDYARD: Yes, well, save it for later. You see, that man – Seymour Prophitte – is very rich, and his grandmother is very ill, or possibly dead. And so I thought it’d be a wonderful idea if you could take him out for dinner tonight.

ANTIGONE: Dinner?

RUDYARD: Yes. Standard practice, I do it with all my potential clients.

ANTIGONE: No you don’t.

RUDYARD: I do when you’re not looking.

ANTIGONE: You’ve never taken anyone out for dinner in your whole life!

RUDYARD: Nor have you!

ANTIGONE: So why should I start now?

RUDYARD: Because this one funeral could make us enough money to keep us going for a whole year. Think about it!

ANTIGONE: I am! And I won’t!

33 Wooden Overcoats 1.5 – She Stoops to Conquer © T. A. Woodsmith and Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017

RUDYARD: Antigone!

ANTIGONE: No!

RUDYARD: (BEAT) You know, if we had that income we might be able to talk about the Automatic Embalmer’s Friend 3000.

ANTIGONE: (GASP) The 3000! Do you know how many litres of fluids it can suck out in half an hour?

RUDYARD: I’m sure it’s disgustingly impressive. So let me know if you change your mind. It’s just one dinner. Er, maybe.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

ANTIGONE: What am I thinking? He nearly convinced me! (CALL) I can see through you, you know! I am not a concubine!

GEORGIE: I say go for it.

ANTIGONE: Arghh! Georgie! I didn’t see you there.

GEORGIE: I’m great at not seeing you there. Here. Seeing me here. Let me do that again-

ANTIGONE: Never mind that; Rudyard wants me to take a client out to dinner tonight, and I sense an undercurrent. This is exactly why I never leave the basement.

GEORGIE: How did the flirting go?

ANTIGONE: Honestly, I’ve no idea. I did use his name a lot, but then I also fell into a coffin. It’s powerful stuff, your flirting.

GEORGIE: I think you’re ready for the next lesson

ANTIGONE: There’s more?

GEORGIE: A whole world more. And then all you’ll need is practice – which is exactly why you should go out to dinner tonight.

ANTIGONE: I should?

GEORGIE: You’ve got nothing to lose. You’ll never see him again if it goes wrong, and if it goes right…

ANTIGONE: I could woo him just enough to get his business… and then I’ll be the victor at both love and commerce! All on my own terms!

GEORGIE: Yeah, I guess.

ANTIGONE: Then that’s exactly what I’ll do. Teach me Georgie! You are my sensei! I must learn to control this unwieldy, sexy river that flows within me.

GEORGIE: You shall, my apprentice, you shall.

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) Take your hand off my shoulder.

GEORGIE: No.

SCENE 7.

PIFFLING YACHT CLUB RESTAURANT. EVENING. GENTLE MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Antigone made her seven o’clock rendezvous with Seymour at the Piffling Yacht Club’s Mexican night. (CLEARS THROAT, MEXICAN ACCENT) And so our two little lovebirds, our sombreros d’amour – I’m Mexican – settled in for the evening. Antigone’s flirting resolve was strong, like the bull, but – oh! – who was it that sat at a nearby table? Let us find out, my little quesadillas.

SEYMOUR: I’m pretty chuffed you agreed to come, Antigone. I can tell you’re not an easy catch.

ANTIGONE: Well, Seymour, I was happy to come, Seymour. Tell me Seymour, why do they call you Seymour, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: I guess so that I could... see more of you!

ANTIGONE: (CAREFREE LAUGH) I used that joke earlier.

SEYMOUR: What’s that?

ANTIGONE: I mean you’re so funny, Seymour! (CAREFREE LAUGH)

SEYMOUR: My God. Have you always been this beguiling, Antigone?

ANTIGONE: Oh maybe, yes. (SHORT LAUGH) My my, I don’t understand the menu at all!

SEYMOUR: No hablas español? Carinho, dejame ensenarte.

ANTIGONE: You’re so clever, Seymour. Where did you learn to speak Spanish?

SEYMOUR: My poor little dove, that’s Mexican. Because this is a Mexican restaurant.

ANTIGONE: Well they do speak Spanish. Alongside the indigenous languages, like Zapotec, Totonac, or Mayo. (BEAT) I did some research before I ca-

SEYMOUR: Ha! Zapotec. You’re so kooky. You know, I feel thrilled and excited by your zany exuberance, but not at all threatened.

ANTIGONE: (STRAINED LAUGH) (QUIETLY) oh god…

SEYMOUR: Wait a minute! Look who’s here!

ANTIGONE: Uh?

ERIC: Seymour! Antigone! What a funny surprise!

ANTIGONE: (QUIETLY) Oh god oh god oh god-

SEYMOUR: Chapman, you stunning old tosser! Isn’t she the finest woman you ever met?

ANTIGONE: (STRAINED CAREFREE LAUGH)

ERIC: She’s certainly unique. And you both know Mayor Desmond Desmond. My guest for the evening, Seymour. Because I’m really quite highly thought of around here-

SEYMOUR: No tits, don’t care.

ANTIGONE: Urgh.

MAYOR: Hello everyone! I say, this Mexican thing is all terribly exciting isn’t it! Olé! Oh dear, I hope that wasn’t offensive.

ERIC: Have you had a look at the menu, Dezza?

MAYOR: I’m afraid I don’t always read everything I’m given-

ERIC: You’re usually kept very busy, yes. Well we’ll get our table – you two enjoy yourselves!

SEYMOUR: Deffo, with this little cracker to keep me company!

ANTIGONE: Little what?

ERIC: And Seymour, if you wanted a word at all about, you know, funerals and that kind of-

SEYMOUR: I think I’ll be fine, chap!

ERIC: Oh. Yep. Sure.

ANTIGONE: Try not to, er, spit out your food too far, Chapman.

ERIC: I… won’t.

ANTIGONE: I just meant... because you’re so close. Within spitting distance. Which is a phrase, and you’ll be eating, so I just… it was just… just a bad joke.

SEYMOUR: My dove’s had a Bloody Mary already, chaps!

SEYMOUR / ERIC / MAYOR: (LAUGH)

ANTIGONE: (DESPERATE CAREFREE LAUGH) Waitress! More alcohol please!

SEYMOUR: Let’s order food too, shall we? Waitress!

WAITRESS: Buena noches, señor.

SEYMOUR: See? Mexican.

ANTIGONE: Yes. OK, well, I’d like to have-

SEYMOUR: We’ll both have the ‘el Mexican Platter’ to start.

ANTIGONE: Oh.

WAITRESS: Por supuesto, señor.

SEYMOUR: And then one ‘el fish’ and one ‘el chicken’. With chips.

WAITRESS: (SIGH) Si, señor. With chips. Gracias.

SEYMOUR: I liked her moxy. Tiggy?

ANTIGONE: (DISTRACTED) What?

SEYMOUR: You keep gazing over at Eric’s table.

MAYOR: (OFF) So I wanted to keep a mouse in my pocket but all I could find was a toad.

OFF: TOAD CROAK.

ERIC: (OFF) Suits you.

ANTIGONE: (WITH EFFORT) So, Seymour, my brother said you worked in finance?

SEYMOUR: I’m a rich man who keeps rich men richer. Tax avoidance, that’s the name of the game! Keep it quiet.

ANTIGONE: Why?

SEYMOUR: Because people with a lot of money want to keep it – that’s kind of their slogan.

ANTIGONE: Can’t they afford to pay-

SEYMOUR: Let me cut you off, you poor deluded fox. Economics is a bit more mucho complicato than that. See, my current client made an absolute packet in the nineties working with Donatella in heroin-chic, invested everything in north London props, and now’s he looking to bring it over here to keep it away from Aunty Tax Man. Comes to me, I save him two point five million, pocket ten percent myself: job’s a good’un.

ANTIGONE: That’s... sweet.

SEYMOUR: Sweet profit, you mean. Ha! What else can I tell you?

ANTIGONE: I think that’s everythi-

SEYMOUR: Hobbies? Of course, here’s a list: tennis, swimming, golf, croquet, cricket, lacrosse-

ANTIGONE: Right.

SEYMOUR: - badminton, boules, downhill skiing-

ANTIGONE: That’s very-

SEYMOUR: - not done! – cross country skiing, ice-skating, shooting...

ANTIGONE: Shooting?

SEYMOUR: Grouse, rabbits, whatever’s in season.

ANTIGONE: Oh God.

SEYMOUR: Come off it, Tiggy – you deal with death every day. If you get in a tizz over a dead rabbit, how could you possibly spend an afternoon stuffing my aunty?

ANTIGONE: Grandmother.

SEYMOUR: That’s it. She’s really fading fast, you know, won’t see out the month. Weak heart, runs in the family. Still, she’s promised me her estate when she goes, so that should soften the blow, eh?

ANTIGONE: Yes…

ERIC: (OFF) It’s a lonely life, mind you, Dezza.

MAYOR: (OFF) I thought the girls were beating down your door.

ERIC: (OFF) There is someone I have my eye on.

SEYMOUR: Tiggy?

ERIC: (OFF) She works at Funn Funerals.

SEYMOUR: Tiggy?

ANTIGONE: Sorry, I’m not quite…

MAYOR: (OFF) Not the sister?

SEYMOUR: You’re doing it again.

ERIC: (OFF) What, Antigone? No no no.

SEYMOUR: Tiggy.

ERIC: (OFF) Don’t get me wrong, nice woman – not my type at all.

MAYOR: (OFF) Talented, mind you.

ERIC: (OFF) Oh immensely.

SEYMOUR: Tiggy, you’re doing that thing again where you’re not looking at me.

ANTIGONE: Am I, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: You know what, we seem to fit, don’t you think? We’ve got the same interests, we find the same things funny.

ANTIGONE: Tell me Seymour, have you considered open-casket? I can do quite wonderful things-

SEYMOUR: Chimichanga?

ANTIGONE: No thanks. You know, many people are concerned about revealing their loved one after death but it can be a very therapeutic experience-

SEYMOUR: Guacamole? It’s made of grass

ANTIGONE: Not now.

SEYMOUR: I don’t think we really need to bother with any of that “seeing the body” stuff. Who cares? Just chuck her in the ground, job done.

ANTIGONE: You’ve just rubbished my entire discipline.

SEYMOUR: Discipline? (GROWL) Down, girl.

ANTIGONE: I’d be much happier if you’d let me embalm her properly.

SEYMOUR: No no no, you don’t need to see her.

ANTIGONE: Why not?

SEYMOUR: My aunty was a very private person.

ANTIGONE: Grandmother.

SEYMOUR: My relatives are dropping like flies.

ANTIGONE: Seymour, what’s going on here? You can’t remember who you’re burying, whether they’re dead yet, you won’t let me see the body… You do want us to bury a body, don’t you?

SEYMOUR: What?

ANTIGONE: Or would you rather we didn’t look into things too much? In case we rang up Aunty Tax Man!

SEYMOUR: Shhh! Keep your voice down!

ANTIGONE: What’s really going to be in that coffin?

SEYMOUR: (LOW) The kind of money that dreams are made of - just a little something for a rainy day. And you could come in for a pretty packet yourself if you just keep schtum. (CLEARS THROAT) Anyway, that’s enough chat. Right! Where do you fancy doing it?

ANTIGONE: Doing what?

SEYMOUR: You know, kick things up a notch. Hotel room or back of the Lamborghini? The Lamborghini has seatbelts.

ANTIGONE: Urgh!

SLAP. DINERS GASP.

SEYMOUR: Ow!

ANTIGONE: That’s it! This smiley charade ends now.

SEYMOUR: Dear God, what’s happened to your face?

ANTIGONE: It’s called a scowl, Seymour.

SEYMOUR: But why are you doing it? At me?

ANTIGONE: Because you’re a corrupt, sleazy, arrogant wretch. And if that weren’t enough, you’re trying to get me involved in a-

ERIC: Tax scam! Of course!

ANTIGONE: Chapman?

ERIC: That’s why he wants to go with your lot, it’s a tax scam! It makes so much sense now!

ANTIGONE: Yes, thank you, Chapman.

ERIC: That’s been bothering me all day! Ha! As you were.

SEYMOUR: No don’t leave me with her!

ANTIGONE: Don’t be scared, Seymour. I’m going home. But before I go: Mexico has sixty-eight indigenous languages and they’re all in use alongside the most popular language, which is not Mexican but Spanish. And guacamole is made of avocados. Goodbye.

STORMS OFF. DOORS SWING SHUT.

MAYOR: You know, Eric, I think Piffling ought to have sixty-eight languages.

ERIC: I’d sleep on it if I were you, Des. SCENE 8.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) The walk back to Funn Funerals was brisk indeed, and Antigone was relieved to return to her mortuary.

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS.

ANTIGONE: (BITTER) And one day, you’ll meet someone who likes everything about you, and you’ll scowl at him every day, and you’ll be deliriously happy together.

KNOCK ON DOOR.

GEORGIE: Sounds very romantic.

ANTIGONE: Georgie? What are you still doing here?

GEORGIE: Rudyard’s feeling a bit emotional. The Yacht Club called and said you’re banned from ever going back.

ANTIGONE: Pah! Now there’s injustice! I yell at a loathsome pervert and I’m the one who gets banned!

GEORGIE: But you see-

ANTIGONE: The date was a disaster, your advice was ridiculous. I am who I am, and if I do die alone at least I’ll be able to live with myself.

GEORGIE: Well that nearly made sense, but haven’t you heard?

ANTIGONE: Heard what?

RUDYARD: Antigone.

ANTIGONE: Oh it’s you. Why do you all suddenly think it’s acceptable to invade the mortuary?

RUDYARD I see from your scowl you’re back to your old ways?

ANTIGONE: Don’t give me that, Rudyard. You manipulated me, used me, and if I ever see Seymour again-

RUDYARD: That’s very unlikely.

ANTIGONE: I’m glad!

RUDYARD: He died ten minutes ago.

ANTIGONE: What? How?

GEORGIE: Whatever you yelled at him gave him a cardiac arrest.

RUDYARD: You fail to get the funeral, you kill off the client I sent you to see – in the middle of a public Yacht Club! – and you do it whilst Eric ‘the Toerag’ Chapman, our greatest competitor, is sitting at the next table eating Tapas, ready to swoop in as soon as you leave the building! Do you have anything to say?

ANTIGONE: Oh stuff it, Rudyard – it was a con! Seymour wanted us to bury millions of pounds in a tax fiddle!

RUDYARD: (BEAT) Antigone, are you telling me that a very rich man tried to give us a coffin full of money… and you prevented him?

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) You sound sceptical.

RUDYARD: Tomorrow we take back the kettle.

MORTUARY DOOR SLAM.

ANTIGONE: (SIGH)

GEORGIE: You didn’t actually kill Seymour, you know.

ANTIGONE: No?

GEORGIE: He groped the waitress trying to help him, and she stabbed him through the eye with a piñata stick.

ANTIGONE: Oh my. (BEAT) I hope she took her time.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Antigone didn’t come out of her mortuary for several days, finally emerging to pay her respects at the funeral of Ms Lonesome, who was buried with quiet dignity next to the churchyard’s old oak tree. Tensions were running very high in Funn Funerals – and, pretty soon, they were going to run even higher…

END MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: She Stoops to Conquer was written by T. A. Woodsmith and performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Ciara Baxendale as Georgie, Steve Hodson as the Mayor, Max Olesker as Seymour, and Belinda Lang as Madeleine, with additional voices by Holly Campbell, Pip Gladwin, and Max Tyler. Original music composed by James Whittle. The script was edited by David K. Barnes, and the programme was recorded at ArtSpace Studios by Tom Gillieron, and directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.