$3 So Easy A Caveman Could Do It $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program blackhawksblog.blogspot.com November 16th, 2008 [email protected] CAGE IN THE WATER... In the immortal words of Axl Rose, we said the Sharks are the league’s best team. Michalek. Boyle, Erhoff, and Vlasic have not “All right, that SUCKED!”. There isn’t another What’re you going to do about it? Tell us how hesitated to bomb in from the points. Even way to describe Friday’s effort versus the hard the economy has hit Detroit again?). San the cadaver of has chipped in with Blues. It’s cute that the Hawks have enough Jose has taken a home-heavy schedule and 12 points. Watching the Sharks is akin to confidence to think they don’t have to show used it to separate themselves from their divi- watching Motorhead live. It’s frantic, thrilling, up for a full 60 minutes every night to win. sion, and conference. and you’ll have nothing left afterwards. However, it’s simply not the case. For the first We know some of you will think Now That You’re Sorry You’ve 10 minutes, the Hawks appeared to be nurs- you’ve heard it all before when it comes to the Bought Your Ticket ing hangovers. Or they were looking forward Sharks. This team is different. Gone are the The Sharks are a terrible match-up to getting hangovers, one or the other. By the rigid, tight-as-a-virgin’s-asshole Sharks, and for the Hawks. They’re a terrible match-up time they considered playing cogent hockey, taking their place are a free-wheeling, damn- for pretty much everyone. They’re bigger than they were down 3-1. the-torpedos bunch. New coach Todd McLel- the Hawks, and they’re as fast if not faster. That crisp passing that we marveled lan has installed a system that has the Sharks Making it worse, the Hawks d-men are going at during last Sunday’s game against the crashing the net like someone told them the to find it challenging--to say the least--to Flames? The past two games their pass- keg was about to run out of beer. They fire keep large, quick Sharks forwards, with their ing has been about as crisp as birthsauce. more shots than Theo Fleury on St. Patrick’s crash-the-net-or-die attitude, from making Struggling to create against the Bruins can Day. This team is all about relentless attack, Huet’s life utter hell tonight. The Hawks D be excused, but against the last-place Blues? attack, attack. The Sharks are to hockey right just isn’t big enough. All that said, the Sharks Turnovers were plentiful. Soft goals? Yeah, a now what The Bush Administration is to for- have been ordinary away from The Shark couple of those, too. Mental errors? Covered. eign policy (though The Bush Administration Tank, relatively speaking. So there’s a decent All in all, a night to forget. You know it was a probably wouldn’t care for the fact that the chance they may throw in a subpar effort, and piss-poor effort when Serious airs it Sharks have a black guy on their team. We’re the Hawks are more than talented enough to out to the press after the game. with ya, Kanye). take advantage. However, any more of that That being said, if it wasn’t for a There are simply too many weapons dufuses-on-ice routine we saw Friday, and couple of post-ringers, the Hawks would have to count. The top line of Thornton, Marleau, we could see something resembling a football bagged two points without ever getting out of and Setoguchi has been on fire all season. score. -Eric B. and Rakim 2nd gear. One of the positives to be extracted San Jose was able to move Marleau to wing from Friday was the play of the Hawks’ 3rd because Ryan Clowe has been so good on the We’ve been asked by James Mirtle to join the line of Bolland, Byfuglien, and Ladd. They 2nd line, with (currently SB Nation, so you can now catch our blog at were skating hard, they were physical, and injured, though may play tonight) and Milan secondcityhockey.com they provided the Hawks with all three of their goals. It was so obvious that this was the only line doing anything that Coach Q double- shifted them for the last part of the game. Hopefully, this kind of play from them will continue. Another heartening aspect of Friday’s tilt was, well, all the tilts. We don’t know if a new rule was instituted barring the Hawks from talking to the Ice Crew, or Coach Q broke their PSPs, or, more likely, it was their play, but something pissed the Hawks off badly. We can’t remember the last time the Hawks had four fights in a five-minute span. We’re pretty sure it was when we were all wading through inches of water on the bathroom floors of the old Stadium. The Blues have never been shy about puffing out their chests and taking lib- erties with a Hawks team they clearly thought would take it lying down. Good to see the Hawks won’t let that crap continue. Still, no one made Barrett Jackman bleed. Disappoint- ing. Put that on the to-do list, boys. I Know The Way To San Jose, Why The Fuck Would I Want To Go? The task at hand for the Hawks to have a successful homestand is only to beat the NHL’s best team (that’s right, Scum fans, “Well, he always said over his dead body!”. Behind The Net Getting To The Bottom of We’ve been unabashed supporters of Behind The Net (www. Most of these players did not approach Tavares’ age-16 perfor- behindthenet.ca). Tonight, we’re lucky enough to have the creator of the mance, but even at these lower levels, they averaged nearly a -per- site join us. He will do so every so often, and we couldn’t be happier. As all game in the NHL at age 18. 10 out of 12 of them arguably ended up being geniuses, he’s a mysertious dude, and not much is known about him. All we NHL stars – while Martin Lapointe played nearly 1000 NHL games (and the know is he goes by the moniker, “Hawerchuk”. We’ll let him take it from jury is still out on Rob Schremp). there. So what happened the next season? Tavares kept his output steady, which still placed him at the top of his age group: Can you imagine baseball fans across the country getting excited about a 16-year-old shortstop? Football fans getting worked up because a Name Season Age League PPG Adj freshman running back is dominating the varsity somewhere in Texas? Well, it happens all the time in hockey. Ever since a 16-year-old 2004-05 17.40 QMJHL 2.71 2.55 stepped on the ice in 1977 and dominated players three years his senior in 2000-01 17.55 OHL 2.10 1.89 the Hockey Association junior league, there’s been tremendous buzz Pierre-Marc 2001-02 17.68 QMJHL 2.03 1.74 around kids who would be a decade away from their primes in many other Bouchard sports. Hockey fans are always looking for the second-coming of Gretzky: in 1981, in 1989, Sidney Crosby in 2003, and John Tavares 2007-08 17.28 OHL 2.00 1.74 now John Tavares. Pavel Brendl 1998-99 17.77 WHL 1.97 1.68 There was so much excitement around Tavares that ’s Dale Hawerchuk 1980-81 17.74 QMJHL 2.54 1.62 junior hockey leagues changed their rules to allow him to be drafted at age 14 and play just three days after his 15th birthday. Fans of bad NHL teams Ramzi Abid 1997-98 17.77 QMJHL 1.99 1.60 were already hoping they’d be bad enough to get the first draft pick in Vincent Lecava- 1997-98 17.70 QMJHL 1.98 1.60 2009 so they could pick him. He did not disappoint, scoring 45 goals in 65 lier games. The list of players who’ve put up numbers like this at such a young age over the last 25 years is a short one: 1994-95 17.46 OHL 2.11 1.56 2000-01 17.63 OHL 1.74 1.56 Name Season Age League PPG Adj Mario Lemieux 1982-83 17.24 QMJHL 2.79 1.55 John Tavares 2005-06 15.28 OHL 1.18 1.01 1996-97 17.50 OHL 2.07 1.55 Jason Spezza 1998-99 15.55 OHL 1.06 0.83 Pierre Turgeon 1986-87 17.34 QMJHL 2.66 1.55 Rob Brown 1983-84 15.73 WHL 1.16 0.69 Rob Brown 1985-86 17.73 WHL 2.51 1.51

The table lists each player’s age as of January 1st of that season. A few more good names pop up on the list, along with some huge The PPG column lists each player’s points-per-game, while Adj shows that disappointments. My initial inclination was that because Tavares wasn’t figure adjusted to a 6 -per-game offensive environment. This adjust- scoring at a higher rate, he wasn’t getting any better. And players who don’t ment is particularly important – without it, we would overstate the signifi- get better as teenagers tend to be very disappointing professionals. But he’s cance of performances like Brown’s--in a league where teams combined for still at the top of every list at his age, and he doesn’t play on a top offensive more than 10 goals-per-game. At any rate, Tavares was younger and better team like Crosby did. I think he’s obviously not as good as Sidney Crosby, than other prodigies, who themselves were pretty good: Spezza has three but likely better than Jason Spezza. That’s not a terrible verdict – Spezza 30-goal seasons in the NHL before age 24, while Brown scored 49 at age 20. was 6th in NHL scoring last season; Crosby, whose abilities are well-known, Tavares didn’t disappoint in his second season, scoring 72 goals in was 1st in scoring two years ago. 67 games. His company at that level: The bottom line: Tavares probably won’t be the best player in the game, Name Season Age League PPG Adj but it’s pretty likely that he’ll be in the top ten – even if he doesn’t step up another notch in his final junior season. Sidney Crosby 2003-04 16.40 QMJHL 2.29 2.04 John Tavares 2006-07 16.28 OHL 2.00 1.61 -Hawerchuk 1996-97 16.70 QMJHL 1.59 1.27 Derek Roy 1999-00 16.66 OHL 1.32 1.13 Pierre-Marc 2000-01 16.68 QMJHL 1.42 1.10 Bouchard Brian Bellows 1980-01 16.33 OHL 1.76 1.09 Jimmy Carson 1984-85 16.45 QMJHL 1.71 1.05 Martin Lapointe 1989-90 16.30 QMJHL 1.48 1.05 Rob Schremp 2002-03 16.50 OHL 1.14 1.03 2000-01 16.54 OHL 1.14 1.02 Jason Spezza 1999-00 16.55 OHL 1.17 1.01 Pierre Turgeon 1985-86 16.34 QMJHL 1.65 0.99

NHL STANDINGS *late game not included Eastern Conference Western Conference

ATLANTIC W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY CENTRAL W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY NY Rangers 13 5 2 28 55 44 8-3-1 5-2-1 Scum 11 2 3 25 60 52 3-1-2 8-1-1 Pittsburgh 11 4 2 24 58 48 6-2-1 5-2-1 Chicago 7 3 5 19 52 41 6-0-4 1-3-1 New Jersey 8 7 2 18 46 48 5-4-1 3-3-1 Nashville 9 7 1 19 55 57 5-1-0 4-6-1 Philadelphia 6 6 4 16 54 54 2-4-1 4-2-3 Columbus 8 7 3 19 56 58 5-3-1 3-4-2 NY Islanders 6 9 2 14 44 55 3-6-1 3-3-1 St. Louis 6 8 1 13 48 52 4-4-0 2-4-1

NORTHEAST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY NORTHWEST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY Boston 10 3 4 24 52 39 5-1-1 5-2-3 Minnesota 10 4 1 21 40 30 5-1-1 5-3-0 Buffalo 9 5 3 21 50 47 5-3-1 4-2-2 10 6 1 21 53 42 6-2-1 4-4-0 9 4 2 20 49 42 5-2-0 4-2-2 Calgary 9 8 1 19 52 62 6-2-1 3-6-0 7 7 4 18 57 64 3-2-3 4-5-1 Edmonton 8 7 2 18 43 52 2-1-2 6-6-0 6 9 2 14 41 45 3-5-1 3-4-1 Colorado 8 8 0 16 44 48 4-4-0 4-4-0

SOUTHEAST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY PACIFIC W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY Washington 10 4 3 23 56 49 7-0-1 3-4-2 San Jose 14 3 1 29 63 43 10-0-1 4-3-0 Carolina 8 7 2 18 46 53 3-4-0 5-3-2 Anaheim 9 7 2 20 55 58 4-5-2 5-2-0 Atlanta 7 7 2 16 48 57 5-3-0 2-4-2 Phoenix 8 8 0 16 40 41 5-3-0 3-5-0 Tampa Bay 5 7 4 14 34 46 2-3-3 3-4-1 7 7 2 16 42 43 5-5-2 2-2-0 Florida 6 9 1 13 37 46 4-3-0 2-6-1 Dallas 6 8 3 15 48 62 2-2-2 4-6-1

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP

Top 10 Things We Like About The Circus Coming This is your face: To The , and the Circus Trip 10. Circus animals actually improve smell of the Westside 9. How quickly suburban parents lock car doors after parking 8. Late West Coast starts lead to watchin’ hockey while knockin’ boots! (We’re assuming this is awesome. It’s never actually happened.) 7. Bulls’ horrifying performances put on late-night TV where they belong 6. Comcast Chicago anchors complaining about how late they’re up, forgetting they cover sports for a living This is your face after 20 5. Elephants moving across United Center faster than years in the NHL: 4. Hearing what the tempature outside in Edmonton is at face-off, and feeling better about winter in Chicago 3. Scent of animal manure conjures memories of Wirtz 2. Noticing the similarity between the tamed animals and Bears’ pass rush 1. Not paying $6.25 for piss-water beer while watching the Hawks

If you would like to ruin your organization’s credibility and advertise with us, please email us at [email protected] or call 773- 470-8921 7-3-5

Havlat’s performance on Friday was...let’s be polite and call it “abstract.” Perhaps this sore groin he has is a bigger problem than they’re letting on. But thanks to the NHL’s full disclosure policy on injuries, we should know soon. Wait, what?

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary 88 R 5'10" 187 19 15 7 12 19 1 4 3 0 1 47 14.9 $3,725,000 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6'1" 197 26 15 9 7 16 -1 22 2 0 2 49 18.4 $3,900,000 24 R Martin Havlat 6'2" 217 27 15 5 9 14 2 10 3 0 0 39 12.8 $6,000,000 32 L 5'10" 180 22 15 3 10 13 8 6 1 0 0 25 12 $491,667 19 C The One 6'2" 209 20 15 2 8 10 1 8 1 0 0 46 4.3 $2,800,000 51 D 51 Phantom 6'0" 188 29 15 2 7 9 5 0 0 0 0 23 8.7 $7,142,875 36 C Dave Bolland 6'0" 188 22 15 2 7 9 6 6 0 1 0 20 10 $845,833 16 L 6'2" 198 22 15 3 4 7 5 10 0 0 0 30 10 $1,550,000 2 D Duncan Keith 6'1" 194 25 15 2 5 7 5 6 0 0 0 31 6.5 $1,475,000 33 R 6'3" 247 23 15 2 4 6 0 23 0 0 0 32 6.3 $3,000,000 25 D Cam Barker 6'3" 213 22 7 2 4 6 0 11 2 0 1 13 15.4 $2,768,587 23 D Aaron Johnson 6'1" 211 25 13 3 3 6 11 6 0 0 1 6 50 $525,000 22 R 6'2" 213 23 9 2 4 6 3 13 1 0 0 15 13.3 $675,000 7 D 6'3" 220 23 15 3 3 6 2 29 1 1 0 23 13 $3,500,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6'1" 188 23 15 1 2 3 -1 25 0 0 0 6 16.7 $500,000 5 D Brent Sopel 6'1" 211 31 12 1 1 2 -6 4 0 0 1 9 11.1 $2,333,333 55 L 6'2" 220 24 11 1 0 1 -1 43 0 0 0 3 33.3 $600,000 11 R Jack Skille 6'1" 208 21 6 1 0 1 -2 5 0 0 0 12 8.3 $1,275,000 37 R 6'1" 189 25 15 0 0 0 -1 44 0 0 0 18 0 $712,500 28 R Craig Adams 6'0" 197 31 4 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 1 0 $600,000 8 D Matt Walker 6'3" 214 28 4 0 0 0 1 10 0 0 0 5 0 $600,000 6 D Jordan Hendry 6'1" 194 24 8 0 0 0 -1 4 0 0 0 1 0 $625,000 4 D 6'2" 200 21 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $643,333 Totals/Averages 6'1" 203.9 24.17 51 90 37 291 14 2 454 11.23% $42,686,462 *not on roster That Buff angry streak we’ve been begging for might finally have arrived. Not only two fights in two games, but against Boston heavy Shawn Thornton and then a pounding of ancient jack-ass Tkachuk. It’s not a coincidence that Buff may have been the best Hawk player Friday. The problem with Buff is we’re sure we won’t see this fire every night.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 Nikolai Khabibulin 6'1" 209 35 9 554 2.38 4 1 4 1 278 22 0.921 0 1 2 $6,750,000 38 6'1" 205 33 6 368 2.45 3 2 1 0 178 15 0.916 0 0 0 $5,625,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 34 15 922 2.41 7 3 5 1 456 37 0.918 0 1 2 $12,375,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $56,119,795 CAP SPACE: $314,000*

*space also affected by buyouts and injured players

16 years ago, David Stern sent me to ruin the NHL. I have done every- thing I can think of to drive the core I am so close to completing the task fan away, strip hockey of all that’s Stern charged me with.... great about it, and eliminate any at- tention by the mainstream media...... Shark in the water 14-3-1

Jumbo Joe is an interesting case study. His oversized-Adam Oates Act may be overrated.. It’s been said that Thornton improves the players he plays with, but we’re not so sure. , Brian Rolston, , and Jona- than Cheechoo have been the ones riding shotgun for Joe, but all of them have put up 25+goal season either before or after playing with Thornton. So one could make the argument that it is Thornton who has benefitted from playing with

good players. In fact, when Cheechoo had an off-year last season, Thornton’s point totals went from 114 to 96. Joe is still

for a little over $1 mil, he’d have thrown his TV make-up at you. a great player, but how great? Hmmmm... We bet if 5 years ago you told JR he’d be skating on a 4th line

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary 12 C 6' 2" 220 29 18 8 11 19 7 2 1 2 2 71 11.3 $6,300,000 16 R 6' 0" 200 21 18 9 9 18 6 0 0 0 0 73 12.3 $1,246,667 19 C Joe Thornton 6' 4" 235 29 18 3 14 17 1 13 2 0 0 36 8.3 $7,200,000 29 L 6' 2" 225 26 18 9 6 15 4 21 5 0 1 54 16.7 $1,600,000 22 R 5' 11" 190 32 17 4 10 14 8 20 1 0 1 53 7.5 $6,666,667 10 D 6' 2" 205 26 18 2 12 14 6 20 1 0 0 43 4.7 $3,100,000 8 C 5' 11" 195 24 18 7 6 13 2 0 3 1 0 67 10.4 $1,637,500 4 D Rob Blake 6' 4" 225 38 18 2 10 12 -2 24 2 0 0 58 3.4 $5,000,000 9 L Milan Michalek 6' 2" 225 23 16 5 5 10 1 6 1 0 2 38 13.2 $4,333,333 25 R Mike Grier 6' 1" 225 33 18 2 7 9 4 2 0 0 1 33 6.1 $1,775,000 44 D Marc-Edouard Vlasic 6' 1" 200 21 18 1 7 8 2 10 0 0 0 26 3.8 $1,100,000 14 R Jonathan Cheechoo* 6' 1" 200 28 14 4 3 7 -1 12 2 1 1 36 11.1 $3,000,000 37 D 6' 1" 200 32 17 0 4 4 7 0 0 0 0 15 0 $1,566,667 64 L Jamie McGinn 6' 0" 185 20 5 2 1 3 2 0 0 0 1 2 100 $966,667 39 L Tomas Plihal 6' 1" 210 25 14 1 2 3 0 4 0 1 1 22 4.5 $500,000 27 C 6' 1" 205 38 18 0 3 3 -1 16 0 0 0 19 0 $1,100,000 11 C 6' 1" 200 25 10 1 2 3 -1 4 0 0 1 19 5.3 $775,000 45 L 6' 3" 225 32 17 0 1 1 -1 27 0 0 0 9 0 $725,000 43 L Lukas Kaspar 6' 2" 225 23 6 1 0 1 -1 4 0 0 1 6 16.7 $600,000 21 D Alexei Semenov 6' 6" 245 27 7 0 1 1 0 10 0 0 0 2 0 $650,000 59 R Brad Staubitz 6' 1" 215 24 7 0 0 0 0 16 0 0 0 4 0 $475,000 3 D Douglas Murray 6' 3" 240 28 14 0 0 0 -1 2 0 0 0 9 0 $550,000 Totals/Averages 6' 2" 213.41 27.45 61 114 213 18 5 695 8.78% $50,867,501

How do you lead the league in goals when your shooting % is 23rd? Lead the league in shots, silly.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 20 6' 0" 200 33 12 729 2.72 10 2 0 0 303 33 0.891 0 0 2 $5,375,000 33 Brian Boucher 6' 2" 200 31 6 362 1.49 4 1 1 2 149 9 0.940 0 0 0 $650,000 1 Thomas Greiss 6' 1" 200 22 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $736,000 Totals/Averages 6' 1" 200 28.6 18 1091 2.105 14 3 1 2 452 42 0.907 0 0 2 $6,761,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $ 56,175,834 CAP SPACE: $706,000* *space also affected by buyouts and injured players **stats do not include last night’s game

...IS THIS THE YEAR? We’ve never bought into the saying, “Never kick a man while he’s down.” After all, when they’re down, they’re that much closer to your foot. With that in mind, we present... An Exclusive Interview with Bill wirtz from Hell

Q: So Bill, how’s life in the flame treating Q: Well, surely you must appreciate that you? will all his moves the Blackhawks have be- come a profitable organization again, and Rocky’s making lots of money. A: Oh it’s all beach chairs and Mai Tai’s! What do you think it’s like, fuckstick? The A: The only thing better than people hap- beer’s watered down, there’s no gin because pily giving you something is people unhap- of some dispute with a distributor apparent- pily giving you something. That applies to ly. There’s absolutely nothing on TV, there’s anything. Money, gifts, respect, blowjobs, an inch of water on my bathroom floor at all they’re all better that way. Makes you feel times, and if I go anywhere I have to pay $20 like an emperor. I thought I made him to park. Who could live under these condi- harder than that when he was a child and I tions? broke all of his toys. Q: Yes, who indeed? Anyway, what have you made of your son Rocky’s stewardship of the Hawks? Q: I guess the team’s improved perfor- mance on the ice isn’t bringing you much joy either, then? A: You know the saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,”? Why isn’t there one God no! That’s what makes players about the apple falling off and then kick- want to get paid. Worse yet, Rocky’s ing the tree in his drunken, wrinkled, saggy paying them! Look at all these contracts nuts? He’s pissed on my legacy so much I being handed out! Seabrook, Byfuglien, smell like urine down here. Games on TV, Sharp. You don’t build loyalty in your full building, Foley back in the booth, it players that way. You break their spirit, never ends. Bringing back Hull and that ri- that’s how you make players loyal. I diculous wig? Why would you want someone spent a lifetime chasing exciting, skilled, who wears a deflated football on his head to handsome forwards out of town. Hull, represent your organization? Answer me Roenick, Amonte, I’ve chased every that. good-looking scorer outta there. Now that Sharp’ll be hornin’ in on Wirtz’s trim for years! Though I guess it doesn’t Q: Wow. Didn’t know you would be so matter, due to booze and age I haven’t angry. Is that all? had an erection since 1968. That, and I’m dead.

Q: That’s a disturbing image. Anyway, we’re out of time, Bill. enjoy your eternity A: Fuck no. I understand the need to make Down Below. changes. Sometimes I’d drink whiskey instead of gin. I get that. But putting Pully out to pasture? That man was loyal like a dog. Sure, he also smelled like a dog, looked A: Yeah, well, it’s still better than Joe like a dog, drooled like a dog, GM’ed the Louis Arena. team like a dog, and knew as much about hockey as a dog, but still... The Fight Card

HAWKS vs. SHARKS

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 3-7-08 Wiz v. 2nd. Wiz bravely, or insanely, takes on Sharks Murray 11:21 heavy, and lands a few nice shots, but takes a √ √ few more. Bless him, though. 2-2-08 Burish v. 1st. Another one damning the torpedos to face Murray 0:12 much bigger, and paying the same price, √ √ though we’re not sure Burish actually feels pain. 10-10-07 LaPointe v. 1st. Good bout, both land some blows early. Davison 11:53 We’ll give LaPointe a decison, cuz we’re nice √ guys. Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

What To Watch For: One would think with the Sharks playing a far more open style, opponents’ frustration level won’t run nearly as high. After all, it’s fun to skate up and down the ice. However, San Jose’s fight-per-game count is a little up this season. There are certainly some ornery bastards on this side, with Douglas Murray, Ryan Clowe, and long-time dufus Jody Shelley. And they have their hands full because--despite their overall size-- the rest of the Sharks team can be whinier and bitchier than your ex. The Hawks’ dander, whatever that is, has been up in the past two games. So we should get at least one contest to round out your weekend.

Power Play Kill

Team Opp PPG PP% Team OPP PPG PP% Team Opp PPG PP% Team Opp PPG PP% DET 69 23 33.3 EDM 66 12 18.2 MIN 60 4 93.3 CGY 95 18 81 STL 66 17 25.8 WSH 69 12 17.4 NYR 75 7 90.7 WSH 88 17 80.7 MIN 67 16 23.9 CAR 82 14 17.1 CHI 77 8 89.6 VAN 88 17 80.7 TOR 88 20 22.7 VAN 88 15 17 BUF 71 9 87.3 BOS 72 14 80.6 PHI 72 16 22.2 MTL 72 12 16.7 LAK 66 9 86.4 FLA 77 15 80.5 BOS 66 14 21.2 DAL 78 13 16.7 OTT 75 11 85.3 COL 54 11 79.6 CGY 91 19 20.9 NSH 81 13 16 SJS 67 10 85.1 ANA 102 21 79.4 ANA 72 15 20.8 TBL 69 11 15.9 NYI 89 14 84.3 TBL 88 19 78.4 OTT 80 16 20 NYR 101 16 15.8 PIT 75 12 84 NSH 86 19 77.9 BUF 90 18 20 COL 79 12 15.2 PHI 87 14 83.9 DAL 80 18 77.5 PIT 81 16 19.8 NYI 82 12 14.6 STL 67 11 83.6 PHX 64 15 76.6 CHI 72 14 19.4 PHX 69 9 13 MTL 77 14 81.8 EDM 71 18 74.6 ATL 74 14 18.9 NJD 62 8 12.9 CAR 77 14 81.8 ATL 77 20 74 SJS 96 18 18.8 FLA 63 8 12.7 DET 75 14 81.3 NJD 69 18 73.9 LAK 82 15 18.3 CBJ 84 10 11.9 CBJ 90 17 81.1 TOR 72 20 72.2 Spotlight

Todd McLellan

Okay, that joke is pretty “inside-baseball”, so for those who don’t get it it’s comedian Eddie Izzard, or Todd McLellan’s doppelganger. Anyway, McLellan has walked into a pretty sweetheart situation in Northern . He’s inherited an obscenely talented team that has under-achieved the past three seasons. This team should already have at least one Cup to its name. However, that’s not to say McLellan isn’t doing a great job. Previous coach Ron Wilson is a legendary hard-ass. He had the Sharks playing a rigor mortis-rigid system, accentuating defense and coverage far more than scoring. That leaves little room for error, and whenever the Sharks faced adversity in the they were on pins and needles, because they weren’t geared to go and get goals when they needed them. That doesn’t mean Wilson’s ways don’t work for some teams. But it is far more beneficiary for a team that must play over its head to win, just like his Leafs are doing currently. Wilson also never hesitated to take credit, and on the flip side, was quick to point a finger. The Sharks are just too talented of a team to play that way, and McLellan has taken the shackles off. They are now scoring goals for fun, constantly attacking, and look like they are having the time of their life doing so. They probably are. After the Bataan Death March that was play- ing under Wilson, the McLellan Era must seem like a long-term tropical vacation. In addition, McLellan hasn’t hesitated to admit when he’s made a mistake this season. The next time Ron Wilson admits a mistake will be right about the time The Four Horsemen arrive at your door. The Sharks will benefit greatly from this when the games count for real in April and May. Their margin of error will be greater. No player will think one mistake will cost them the series and season. They will have confidence of making up any deficit and are our best hope to keep Scum from another Finals appearance. KNOW THY ENEMY

Tonight, we are thrilled to have Mike Chen tell us about the spike our whiskey? Sharks. Mike writes for Kukla’s Korner (kuklaskorner.com) and is one You’re damn right Mike Grier’s all over the ice. He was injured for a of the Sharks guys on The Battle of California (battleofcalifornia.com) good part of last season and had knee surgery once the playoffs merci- fully ended. Grier is one of those guys that if he just had little better set Q: Obviously, it’s been a groin-grabbingly good start for you guys. of hands, he’d have 40 goals. Count the number of scoring chances he Why would a Sharks fan buy more into this season than they have blows, you’ll be surprised. the previous ones that have ended so disappointingly? Still, that’s not why the fans love him. You’ll never question A: Ron Wilson coached the Sharks like the bastard uncle who was his hustle, and when he’s fully healthy (like now), you can’t stop him, really smart but called you a fucking idiot in front of your girlfriend. you can only hope to contain him -- until he tries to shoot. He makes a By the end of his tenure, the team played a technically sound game that dynamic penalty kill pairing with Patrick Marleau. lacked a lot of passion. If you watched them from night to night, you Ok, really, how do Sharks fans feel about Patrick Marleau? From wouldn’t know if they were going to be good or awful because they where we sit he seems to have gotten a lot more shit over the years seemed so mentally fragile. than he’s deserved. Todd McLellan’s done something right because I’ve never I’ve always supported the guy, and here’s the story I tell that makes me seen this group of core players hustle as much as they have this season. think that yes, he absolutely deserves the C. Yes, he was having a shitty Patrick Marleau in particular is playing the best hockey of his career. year last year, and after a game against New Jersey in February, he stood Also, McLellan’s coaching system is an up-tempo game that emphasizes up in the locker room and told the team that he had to be better. He held crazy amounts of shots. Wilson wanted everyone to play as a locked- himself accountable for being shitty, then he nutted up and did some- in five-man unit while McLellan emphasizes speed and creativity. It’s thing about it. If you watched him from February on, he played balls out much more fun to watch, though it helps a ton having a true #1 blueliner all the time, and that’s continued into this season. like Dan Boyle out there. Most Shark fans finally realized it in the series against Calgary Ryan Clowe missed most of last year. How has having him back where he seemed to be the only Shark skating hard. There’s been a love/ changed things? hate relationship with him but as far as I can tell, most fans Clowe was a big question mark coming in because he’s an extremely are finally comfortable with him wearing the C (he’s also a great streaky player. At his best, he bangs and crashes, goes to the ugly areas, community guy). And the ones that aren’t can fuck off. and bangs in the rebounds. He gives them a big body in front, and it’s Everyone knows about Thornton, Cheechoo, Marleau, but what helped the second power play unit actually outshine the first power play player should Hawks fans watch closely tonight that they may have unit. Still, he can disappear for a few games in a row, and it’ll be inter- not known much about before? esting where they slot him when Jonathan Cheechoo comes back from #16 Devin Setoguchi. The guy’s taken Jonathan Cheechoo’s spot as Joe injury (supposedly against the Hawks). Thornton’s trigger man, except he skates way faster than Cheechoo. He Do you really believe Rob Blake at age 87 is going to be that big of a might be riding off a little bit of beginner’s luck right now (it’s help? his sophomore campaign and he’s almost eclipsed the number of goals Yes and no. We’ve added “Rob Blake takes a bad penalty” to the Sharks he had last year) but the dude loves to shoot and he’s not afraid to mix drinking game because he does it so freakin’ often. He’s still got it up in the crease. that cannon of a , which will help out any power play. Word out of the locker room is that he’s been a real calming influence and he’s #10 Christian Ehrhoff has a laser of a shot from the point and he’s instilled some of that “veteran leadership” crap in Marleau and Joe rounded into a pretty reliable defenseman. Earlier, I’d predicted that Thornton. So while I don’t think he’s worth anywhere near his $5 mil- this would be the year that he finally put it all together, and some lion salary, he’s still find as a one-year mercenary. readers scoffed at me. Now I look, in the words of Homer Simpson, We’ve watched the Sharks a lot this year, and it seems to us Mike S-M-R-T smart (mis-spelling intentional). Grier is flying around the ice. Did we see that right, or did someone

Hawks-Sharks: the Last 4

Mar. 7th, 2008: Sharks 3, Hawks 2 Feb 2nd, 2008: Hawks 2, Sharks 3 (SO) On Hull & Mikita night, Sharks ruin the party with Hawks get pummelled on the shot-board 41-20, textbook shut-down effort in the 3rd. Marleau and Sharks eventually win in shootout when JR scores winner in the 2nd with wrister past Lalime. scores and then Cam Barker finds himself taking 5th Hawks have last minute Bourque goal ruled out. Hawks attempt. He looked as confused as we did.

Jan. 22nd, 2008: Hawks 2, Sharks 3 Oct. 10th, 2007: Sharks 2, Hawks 1 Starting to notice a theme here? Hawks actually Toews scores his first goal on his first NHL shot, badly out-play Sharks, but Erhoff scores winner in and that’s about all Hawks accomplish on the night. a very chippy game that has 17 penalties. Manage only 16 other shots, and eventually Mi- chalek puts us out of our misery in the 3rd. From the Outer Reaches

The South Shall Rise Again, If Only To Leave The Building

About 10 years ago, Life had gotten the upper hand and was “hockey was here to stay.” chortling at my misfortune of having to live in Miami, Florida. My Now playing in an arena 2 hours from anywhere, the feelings for Miami can be easily summed up in two words: Go Hur- Panthers play before 5000-7000 people, if that. When down there ricanes. And I’m not talking about the college football team. Or the last month, the Panthers-Islanders game might have been the most hockey team. depressing hockey game ever seen. The only time the crowd cheered The city is not without its charm: Great weather, interesting was for an ad that WWE was coming to the arena. My escape from architecture, and more good looking women and fake breasts than life had become a slow trip to hell. In other words, just like life. you know what to do with. And for three months of the year, some My buddy Angry Mike and I had lunch at Gulfstream park exceptional horse racing. You would think between the women and (another South florida treasure that I thought would take a supreme the horse racing a man could live like a king. assbag to ruin. Sure enough a supreme assbag did.). He had a the- But no two legged or four legged beauty ory. He told me (angrily) that hockey is a seasonal could overcome Miami’s oppressive heat, vile rac- One Fan’s Thoughts thing. Like you instinctively know when to pull ism, corrupt politicians or ass-wipe civilians. Mix out your golf clubs, you instinctively know when in the filthy streets, crime, style-over-substance it’s hockey season. It just never gets cold in Miami. lifestyle, as well as the THOUSANDS upon There’s nothing to turn on that switch. I thought that thousands of failed New York bozos who run was complete bull. I told him about the talk shows around town in their Jets jerseys and brag about for three days, the matching of supermodels and how great the city that they’re too poor and not suc- hockey players. I told him about the thousands and cessful enough to live in is, and what you have is a thousands of kids running around Miami Arena and genuine shithole. A shithole with a hockey team. how the Panthers had embedded a future fan base for Thank God. the next forty years. Playing in a decrepitated old building, the “That future fan base you so lovingly described...,” were a breath of fresh air in a salt Mike quipped, as he stood up to go to the john, “... sea haze. The crowds were knowledgable, pas- by Adam Fels is currently playing Guitar Hero right now and sionate, and rediculously young. The hockey team wouldn’t know a Florida Panther from your asshole.” had a lot of likeable, hard working. hard-hitting players. Paul Laus (Why is it that all the great lines are said right before going to the suddenly became, “my guy.” Rob Neidermeyer was dating Nikki john?) Taylor. In fact, Wayne Huizenga liked the good nature of his hockey Florida just isn’t built for hockey. Neither is Nashville, players so much he wound up dispising his baseball players because Atlanta, Tampa and dare I say Carlolina and Phoenix too. Some of it. That, in part, led to the dismantling of the ‘97 World Series- of these cities will still push enough people through the turstiles to winnng Marlins team. Hockey was almost as popular as...well, justify staying on. I think Mike might have something with seasons. something that isn’t the Dolphins But I think it’s a cultural thing too. The only ice the south likes is at the bottom of a glass filled with bourbon. Hopefully the league will Like everything else in Miami, they fucked it up. put them in one big division: The Southeast Irrelevant Division.

The city was coming off the high of a Stanley Cup run--not Adam was born and raised in Chicago, where he sacrificed to mention that ridiculous rat-throwing sensation. When Stu Barnes any chance of reaching adulthood by growing up in the standing was traded for a young center named Chris Wells, the Miami sports room at Chicago Stadium. He currently works in advertising in New talk radio station took calls for an entire week. That’s 5 1/2 more York, where someone screams in his ear about Brandon Dubinsky on days of calls than The Score has taken. Ever. “Surely,” I thought, a daily basis.

Bringing You Sweet, Jail-Bait Ass Every Day of the Week The Making of The

YEAR DRAFT FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Dan Boyle (FLA Undrafted FA 1998) and Brad Lukowich (NYI Rob Blake (LA 4th round 1998) 4th round 1994) from TB for (SJ 2nd round 1993), , and 2008 1st and 4th round picks 2007-2008 Jody Shelley (CAL Undrafted FA 1998) from CLB for 2009 6th Jeremy Roenick (CHI 1st round 1988, round choice sigh) Brian Boucher (PHI 1st round 1995) Alexei Semenov (EDM 2nd round 1999) 2006-2007 Mike Grier (STL 9th round 1993) 2005-2006 Devin Setoguchi (1st round) Joe Thornton (BOS 1st round 1997) from BOS for Marc-Edouard Vlasic (2nd round) (SJ 1st round 1996), (SJ 1st round 1998), and (fBUF 1st round 1994) 2004-2005 Thomas Griess (3rd round) (4th round) 2003-2004 Milan Michalek (1st round) Joe Pavelski (7th round) 2002-2003 2001-2002 Marcel Goc (1st round) Christian Erhoff (4th round) Tomas Plihal (5th round Ryan Clowe (6th round) 1999-2000 Douglas Murray (8th round) 1998-1999 Jonathan Cheechoo (2nd round) 1997-1998 Patrick Marleau (1st round) info in part provided by hockeyreference.com

COACHES Head Coach: Todd McLellan GM HISTORY Asst. Coach: Todd Richards 2004-Present: Asst. Coach: Jay Woodcroft 1996-2004: Asst. Coach: Trent Yawney 1994-1996: Chuck Grillo and Dean Lombardi Goaltending Coach: Corey Schwab

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Playing at home...... 6-0-4 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 1-0-1 Eddie O tells crew to Stop It Right Here...... 7-3-5 Playing on road...... 1-3-1 Taking 30 or more shots...... 4-2-3 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Scoring first...... 3-2-2 Taking less than 30 shots..... 3-1-1 during 4-on-4...... 7-3-5 Opponent scores first...... 3-1-3 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 2-1-3 We fantasize about shooting Eddie O.... 7-3-5 Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 2-0-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 5-2-2 We’re ecstatic Pat Foley is back...... 7-2-5 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 5-0-3 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 6-0-4 Ice-girls wear skirts...... 1-0-3 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 1-1-1 Ice-girls wear pants...... 2-0-0 ANYONE blows editors of Committed Indian ...... 0-0-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 2-1-0 ice-girls wear shorts.... 3-0-1 Playing on a Monday...... 1-1-1 Opponent played night before.... 2-1-1 Ice-girls wear hideous pink outfit...... 1-0-0 Playing on a Tuesday...... 0-0-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 2-1-2 Leading after 2 periods...... 7-0-2 Playing on a Wednesday...... 2-0-1 Burish takes a penalty...... 4-2-2 Losing after 2 periods...... 0-2-2 Playing on a Thursday...... 0-0-0 Keith takes a penalty...... 2-1-1 Tied after 2 periods...... 0-1-1 Playing on a Friday...... 1-1-1 Sharp takes a penalty...... 5-1-2 In ...... 0-1 Playing on a Saturday...... 1-1-2 Toews takes a penalty..... 2-1-1 In shootout...... 1-4 Playing on a Sunday...... 2-0-0 Havlat takes a penalty.... 3-0-0 Cam Barker plays...... 4-1-2 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Sopel takes a penalty...... 1-1-1 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 3-2-3 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 6-1-4 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 3-3-3 Lacking a #2 center...... 7-3-5 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 2-3-2 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 5-2-5 In 1-goal games..... 1-1-5 Outshoot opponent...... 4-2-1 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-3-2 In 2-goal games...... 1-2-0 Are outshot by opponenet.... 2-1-4 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 0-0-2 In 3-goal games...... 3-0-0 Havlat shies from contact...... 7-3-5 No fights in 300 Level..... 6-0-2 In 4+ goal games...... 2-0-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 3-1-2 Playing Eastern Conference..... 0-2-1 Scoring 3+ goals..... 7-0-3 scores...... 1-0-1 Playing Western Conference..... 7-1-4 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 0-3-2 Martin Havlat scores...... 3-0-1 Playing Central Division...... 1-0-4 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Patrick Sharp scores...... 5-1-1 Playing Northwest Division.... 4-1-0 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 7-0-4 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 1-0-0 Playing Pacific Division 2-0-0 PA plays Classic Cock-Rock...... 3-0-4 Dustin Byfuglien turns down a hit...... 7-3-4 Playing Atlantic Division 0-1-0 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Andrew Ladd scores...... 2-0-0 Playing NASCAR Division 0-1-0 Frasier fights...... 4-1-1 Dave Bolland scores...... 0-0-1 Playing Northeast Division 0-0-1 Burish fights...... 4-0-0 Adam Burish scores...... HA! Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Seabrook fights..... 0-0-0 51 Phantom scores...... 1-0-1 Playing in November.... 3-0-2 Barker fights...... 0-0-1 Duncan Keith scores...... 0-2-0 Playing in December...... 0-0-0 Buff fights...... 0-0-2 Brent Seabrook scores...... 3-0-0 Playing in January..... 0-0-0 Sharp fights...... 0-0-0 Aaron Johnson scores.... 2-0-1 Playing in February..... 0-0-0 Eager fights...... 4-0-1 Troy Brouwer scores.... 2-0-0 Playing in March...... 0-0-0 On Comcast...... 6-1-4 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 6-0-4 Playing in April...... 0-0-0 On WGN...... 1-1-1 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 1-3-1 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 6-0-4 Josh Mora looks scary..... 6-2-4 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 2-1-5 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 2-2-1 On Vs...... 0-1-0 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 5-2-0 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 1-2-2 Judd Sirott swears a lot off-air 7-3-5 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 1-0-0 Are even close on face-offs..... 5-1-3 Committed Indian is sold outside... 3-0-2

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