NOTE: This screenplay is for “The Thief Who Never Gave Up”, the film which later became “The Thief and the Cobbler.” This THE THIEF script dates probably from around 1980, certainly before 1984. A color sticker added in 1984 (or slightly later) changes the title Who Never Gave Up of the script to “Once ...” On the sticker, Sean Connery is not listed as part of the cast, suggesting that perhaps his part (1 Screenplay by RICHARD WILLIAMS and MARGARET line) was never recorded. Although on a 1988 cast list, FRENCH Connery is included. STICKER: VOICES ZIGZAG VINCENT PRICE Richard Williams presents Featuring the voices of KING NOD ANTHONY QUAYLE VINCENT PRICE PHIDO DONALD PLEASENCE ONCE ... DONALD PLEASENCE NARRATOR SIR FELIX AYLMER An epic fantasy filmed in SIR ANTHONY QUAYLE The COBBLER SEAN CONNERY(?) [one line Panimation SIR FELIX AYLMER only] For worldwide release in 1988 KENNETH WILLIAMS The THIEF Never Speaks Produced by Richard Williams STANLEY BAXTER PRINCESS MEEMEE CATHERINE SCHELL and Gary Kurtz CATHERINE SCHELL PRINCESS YUMYUM HILARY PRITCHARD JOAN SIMS The MAD HOLY OLD WITCH JOAN SIMS HILARY PRITCHARD PRINCE BUBBA THICK WILSON WINDSOR DAVIES GOBLET & TICKLE KENNETH WILLIAMS GEORGE MELLY GOPHER & SLAP STANLEY BAXTER THICK WILSON DERMOT WALSH The MIGHTY ONE-EYE PAUL MATTHEWS MIRIAM MARGOLYES DYING SURVIVOR CLINTON SUNDBERG DECLAN MULHOLLAND MAIDEN FROM MOMBASSA MIRIAM MARGOLYES CLINTON SUNDBERG The DWARF GEORGE MELLY and PETER CLAYTON CHIEF ROOFLESS WINDSOR DAVIES HOOK THICK WILSON The Once Studio Ltd., 13 Soho Square, London W1V|6JJ GOOLIE FRED SHAW Telephone: 01-437 4455 or 01-734 2034 Telex: 299556 ANFILM G (c) Producers Holdings Inc 1984 HOOF EDDIE BYRNE Other BRIGANDS DERMOT WALSH END STICKER DECLAN MULHOLLAND PETER CLAYTON Richard Williams Animation Ltd 13 Soho Square, London, W1V 5FB, England MIKE NASH DEREK HINSON Richard Williams Animation Inc. Eastmancolour & Fujicolour RAMSAY WILLIAMS 3193 Cahuenga Blvd West, Hollywood, California, U.S.A. P A N A V I S I ON 1 THE THIEF Who Never Gave Up

SEQUENCES

Seq. Number Seq. Heading 7.2 ZigZag Tells the King the Balls Were “Magicked Away” 1 Credit Titles and Prologue 7.3 Princess YumYum Visits Cobbler at his Cell 4.1 The Mighty One-Eye Invasion 7.4 ZigZag Receives Balls from his Men 4.2 The Great Crane 7.5 Princess VumYum Asks the King to Release the Cobbler 1.1/2 Prophecy 7.6 ZigZag’s Magic Act for King 1.1 Introduction of Cobbler and Thief 7.7 King Sends Daughters & Bubba to See the Witch 1.2 Thief and Old Lady 7.8 Escape by Night 1.3 Thief Tries to Rob Sleeping Cobbler During 7.9 Amidship ZigZag’s Rotor Carpet Entrance 8 The Desert Dock 1.5 Cobbler Entangled with ZigZag 8.1 The Brigands Camp 2 Princess YumYum Saves Cobbler from ZigZag 8.2 The Cobbler Plods on - “This Little Piggy” 2.1 Thief Falls in Moat and Enters Palace Piping 8.3 Brigands Attack and YumYum Takes Over 2.2 ZigZag Presents King with the Maiden from Mombassa 9 ZigZag Meets the One-Eyes 2.3 Princess YumYum on Swing Plays with Cobbler 9.1 ZigZag’s Magic Show 2.4 Thief in King’s Chamber 9.2 Oasis 2.5 ZigZag Sends for Cobbler - Princess Saved Him Again 9.3 ZigZag in Alligator Pit 2.6 ZigZag’s Feet Being Fixed 10 The Desert Mountain 3 Thief Steals Backscratchers in Princesses’ Chamber 10.1 Cobbler and Thief Climbing 3.1 ZigZag in Bath 10.2 ZigZag’s Alligator Ladder 3.2 Cobbler Chases Thief 10.3 Thief and Wings 3.3 ZigZag Tricks Cobbler Into Attacking Prince Bubba 10.4 Cobbler Nears the Top - Brigands Stay Behind 3.4 Cobbler Attacks Prince Bubba 10.5 Thief on Springs 3.5 Thief and Fur Rug and MeeMee and Bubba 10.6 ZigZag’s Alligator Sled - Gets Caught 3.6 Cobbler in Prison 11 The Witch 3.7 ZigZag Presents Polo Game to King 11.1 Brigands Charge Home 3.8 Thief and Polo Game 11.2 One-Eye’s War Games 3.9 ZigZag Suggests King Sends Prince Bubba to Witch 11.3 Brigands Run At Night 13.4 Thief and Jewel Bottle 11.4 City Waiting 13.6 Thief on Stocks 11.5 Brigands Run At Dawn 4.3 ZigZag’s Plotting Room 11.6 One-Eye War Machine 5 ZigZag and Phido at Cobbler’s Cell 11.7 Brigands Sight the City 5.1 King’s Nightmare 11.8 The Machine Starts to Move 5.2 ZigZag is Summoned Away from Cobbler’s Cell 12 The Battle 5.3 Thief Steals 3 Gold Balls While ZigZag Soothes King 13 The Dragon 5.4 Messenger Arrives - Tells of One-Eye Coming 13.1 ZigZag’s Death 6 The One-Eyes Approach Through the Mountains 13.2 Cobbler Gets the Balls 7 King’s Speech to Army 13.3 Victory Procession 7.1 ZigZag’s Men Sneak the Balls Downstairs 13.5 Gratitude 13.7 Happy Ending - Thief Steals Picture 2 THE THIEF SEQ. 4.1. Who Never Gave Up Narrator: SEQ. 1. ONCE UPON A TIME (the ball fills with light) BEFORE REALITY AND DREAM The credit-titles appear in glittering gold on a black screen. All credits WERE SEPARATED... are on the front of the film. There are no end credits for a reason that will become obvious. During the titles, off in the distance, a crystal ball appears. We are now travelling into the crucible and across a mighty crevasse where the shapes of circling vultures become clear above a cruel landscape Two multi-digited, disembodied, ancient grey hands gesture around the filled with the bodies of slaughtered soldiers and animals. Towering atop ball. When the credit-titles are over the gnarled hands and the glowing an enormous mound of corpses, lit by the final rays of sunset, stands a crystal ball have moved up to fill the screen. An aged voice says: locust-like one-eyed man. Narrator: IT IS WRITTEN ... THE MIGHTY ONE-EYE AMONG THE LIMITLESS CONSTELLATIONS AND HIS MONSTROUS HORDE OF THE CELESTIAL HEAVENS OF ONE-EYED WARRIORS AND IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EMERALD SEAS SLAUGHTERED THE FRONTIER GUARD AND UPON EVERY GRAIN OF SAND OF A GOLDEN LAND. IN THE VAST DESERTS THAT THE WORLD WHICH WE SEE The Mighty One-Eye is addressing his troops - a race of one-eyed IS AN OUTWARD AND VISIBLE DREAM warriors who encircle the base of the groaning pile of dead and dying OF AN INWARD AND INVISIBLE soldiers. His standard is plunged into the pinnacle of the human mound. REALITY. There is only the moaning of the dying and the harsh slap and crack of the ghastly One-Eye flag in the wind. Inside the ball appears a series of shimmering images - mysterious, Mighty One-Eye: majestic, magical. ONE-EYES! ONE-EYES! ONE-EYES WIN AGAIN!

The One-Eye army roars in response: ONE-EYES! Mighty One-Eye: THE DAY OF DEATH HAS COME TO THE GOLDEN LAND!

ONE-EYE HAS DESTROYED THE FRONTIER GUARD! One-Eye Army: ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE!

Vultures are landing on random bodies in the pile. 3 Mighty One-Eye: SEQ. 4.2. NOW WE MARCH TO THE EVEN THE GROUND SHALL GOLDEN CITY! BLEED! As he disappears into the enveloping darkness, the final ray of sun leaves EVEN THE STONES SHALL the bluffs and the camera swivels and, rising higher, follows the tiny AND I SHALL CONQUER CRY OUT! figure of the horse and rider making their way through deep ravines. THE GOLDEN CITY! One-Eye army: Travelling in a vast panoramic shot across the land, we slowly move ahead ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! of the nder, through valleys, peaks, canyons, forests, mountains. The AND EARTH AND SKY impression is that the land falls away as when travelling in an airplane at ALIKE SHALL BE RED WITH Mighty One-Eye: sunset, and the effect is that of an animated Chinese/Persian landscape. DEATH! I SHALL TRAMPLE AND BREAK THEM AND NOT Mountains with translucent snowcaps, summer thunder storms with One-Eye army: SHOW PITY! lightning pass by as the last remaining twilight spreads into the clefts and ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! valleys below. The sky is darkening gold now and we are in velvet black- One-Eye army: ness and deep violet with only the odd flash of burnished golden light to Mighty One-Eye: ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! NO ONE IS LEFT ALIVE TO illuminate pieces of the terrain. Lit by early stars and the sunset’s residual WARN THEM! half-light, luminous clouds against the azure of the evening sky magically Mighty One-Eye: transform and change as we fly past. One-Eye army: I SHALL OPEN ALL VEINS! The whole sequence has a feeling of live-action time-lapse photography, ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! BLOOD SHALL FILL THE but the magic and breadth are what can only be achieved with animation, RIVER as we animate nature’s elements. An orange crescent moon rises, becom- The camera travels away from the AND BONES SHALL FILL ing whiter and creates a pale turquoise glow over the land. The clear sky semi-circle of One-eyes, along the THE CITY! shines on silver surface storm clouds that pass within the valleys. heap of corpses which is so stuck NO MAN ESCAPES with arrows that it looks like a vast THE MIGHTY ONE-EYE! By now we have the feeling that we have travelled an entire country. pincushion. We go towards the The camera is slowing up as we leave the foothills of the mountains and a One-Eye army: back of the pile. ONE-EYE! ONE-EYE! ONE- great plain spreads before us. Narrator: EYE! ONE MAN SURVIVED. There in front of us appears a fabulous Babylon-like city - a turquoise jewel, set in starlit tranquility, girdled by a silver river, glittering with With great effort, the survivor celestial reflections. A piece of the pincushion begins mounts the horse and gallops off to move, crawling slowly as if it into the dark. were a porcupine with arrows for The camera slows as we approach and an irridescent pre-dawn light Narrator: illumines the sleeping city. spines. Wretchedly it drags itself ESCAPING UNNOTICED over to a tattered horse which sniffs HE RODE BY NIGHT Now the camera pulls back, revealing the peaceful tableau set still at the moving pincushion, then THROUGH THE EASTERN sniffs closer. During this the ranting within the crystal ball, and the ancient gnarled disembodied hands MOUNTAINS surround the luminous image within the orb. continues out of shot. TO WARN THE GOLDEN Mighty One-Eye: CITY. THE LAND SHALL BE BLOODY! 4 SEQ. 1.1/2 Narrator: SEQ. 1. 2. SEQ. 1. 3. IN THE CITY THERE DWELT Narrator: Early morning shadows. A rooster Cut back to the Cobbler, still IN THE CENTRE OF THE A LOWLY SHOEMAKER crows and we see a beautiful shot of hammering in his sleep. He hits his CITY ATOP THE TALLEST WHO WAS KNOWN AS cypresses in early morning, flowers thumbs, adjusts the tacks in his MINARET TACK THE COBBLER. against the hills, as the City is about mouth, pulls a needle from his WERE THREE GOLD BALLS. to awaken. baggy pants and puts an imaginary Still within the crystal ball, the An old boot-sign is illuminated thread through it. City cranes towards us as the three by the sunlight. We travel through In the main square of the bazaar, a golden balls are lit by the first ray of the empty front window of a little old lady, dressed in black, Cut to the front door of his shop, the morning sun. Cobbler’s shop. A sunbeam falls on hobbles across the square, dragging looking out. We hear the buzz of the Cobbler, asleep in his work a large bunch of bananas. flies, and between hanging boots in Narrator: THE ANCIENTS HAD clothes, amongst all his shoes and the doorway appears the Thief’s PROPHESIED THAT IF THE regalia. He is snoring and tapping Cut to the Thief, behind a head. He enters the tiny shop, looks THREE GOLDEN BALLS with his hammer on an imaginary fountain, eyeing her. He sneaks up around and goes upstairs. WERE EVER TAKEN AWAY shoe. Both thumbs are bandaged. behind her and grabs at her bananas. Suddenly, a steel-grey arm shoots Warily, he approaches the sleeping HARMONY WOULD YIELD ALSO IN THE CITY TO DISCORD out of her black robe, and a vice- Cobbler, his eyes on his patched AND THE CITY WOULD (pan down to a saddle shop. like grip locks onto the Thief’s pockets. Deftly the Thief slides out FALL TO DESTRUCTION Above a wall a swarm of flies arm. The old lady is a martial arts the Cobbler’s purse. Snap, it opens AND DEATH. hovers in a moving halo) expert, and with great energy and - nothing there - pulls it inside out - professional precision she kung-fu’s still nothing. EXISTED him. She ties him up in knots, and The crystal ball, like an (zoom in on the flies) then, reverting to her former self, Before the Thief can shift his alchemist’s crucible, fills with fire picks up her bananas with great attention elsewhere the sleeping and brimstone, black smoke and A THIEF difficulty and hobbles off, hum- Cobbler rolls over, inadvertently flames, obscuring the City. (The Thief’s head comes up, ming quietly. pinning the Thief to the floor. Narrator: looks both ways, and goes down There is the sound of distant BUT . . . again, behind the wall) trumpets and we cut outside to the (The smoke slowly clears) bazaar. We hear an approaching THE MYSTICS HAD WHO SHALL BE chant. ALSO FORETOLD THAT THE NAMELESS. CITY MIGHT BE SAVED BY HAVE NO FEAR ! HAVE NO THE SIMPLEST SOUL WITH The Thief’s hand darts out from FEAR! THE SMALLEST AND SIM- behind the wall and a saddle disap- ZIGZAG, THE GRAND VI- PLEST OF THINGS. pears. He skitters over to the next ZIER, IS NEAR! shop - the saddle obviously inside Again, we slowly enter the inside his cloak. The few folks who are up and of the crystal ball, zooming deep about are pulling back in awe as a into the city, as the sun spreads distant procession approaches. We across an empty bazaar. can’t yet see the procession clearly 5 but we can see that its motion is front and the cycle starts all over misshapen dwarf with a very deep shoots into the crowd for cover. complex and cyclic. There are again. voice. He bellows out the The awestruck Cobbler doesn’t ostrich plumes and men in black in “recitative” clearly in basso profunda know where he is or how he got frantic activity. Cut back to the Cobbler and against the high pitch of the singing there. Thief. The as yet unawakened castrati. ZigZag: (pointing at the Cobbler) Cut back to the Thief and the Cobbler is still trying to get rid of SEIZE HIM! TAKE HIM! Cobbler. They are awkwardly the flies and is bashing the Thief Dwarf: (echoing their master): entwined, and the still sleeping with his small hammer. They are HAVE NO FEAR! HAVE NO Goblet: Cobbler is hitting the Thief’s even more interlocked and the FEAR! SEIZE HIM! thumbs with his tiny hammer. In Thief is in very great, silent pain. ZIGZAG, THE GRAND VI- silent pain the Thief pulls his hands ZIER, IS HERE! Gopher: back against the Cobbler’s chest and Cut back to the procession in full TAKE HIM! they are trapped in a rigid embrace. swing. The chant is louder. The procession is almost at the Slap: HAVE NO FEAR! HAVE NO Cobbler’s door and we cut again to SEIZE HIM! The flies are now really starting to the Cobbler and Thief, even more bother the Cobbler. His nose FEAR! ZIGZAG, THE GRAND VI- intertwined. The Cobbler has Tickle: twitches and the Thief has to TAKE HIM! ZIER, IS HERE! stitched himself and the Thief scratch the Cobbler’s nose for him. together - four arms and four legs (Gong) in hopeless entanglement. As the Cut back to the square as the The rotor carpet cycle continues Cobbler finally wakens, the Thief Dwarf: rhythmic drone comes closer. and ZigZag, now clearly , visible, is makes a desperate bid to escape. TAKE HIM AND SEIZE HIM! the picture of total disdain. He is a HAVE NO FEAR! HAVE NO They both shoot upright and crash 4 Eunuchs: very tall man with the shifting gait TAKE HIM AND SEIZE HIM! FEAR! headlong down the stairs, out into of a marionette. Four yes-men the street, chickens flying about, TAKE HIM AND SEIZE HIM! ZIGZAG, THE GRAND VI- (known later as Goblet, Gopher, dogs barking, crashing in a heap Palace Guards rush forward but ZIER, IS NEAR! Slap and Tickle) are leading the right at ZigZag’s feet. are also hopping on the tacks. The Now we can just see ZigZag, the chant and fanning ZigZag with eunuchs scream like birds, the Grand Vizier, walking with a long-poled ostrich plumes. Bring- The moving carpet is late for the dwarf leaps from pant leg to pant zigzagging rhythm, upon two ing up the rear are four mammoth first time and the Cobbler is there leg, avoiding the tacks, and the pink carpets. Four crow-like men unroll eunuchs singing in castrati harmony in its place, with his tacks spilling palanquin lurches wildly around. A one carpet in front of him so that and carrying a pink palanquin all over the ground. ZigZag’s huge purple curvaceous female leg his feet never touch the earth, while which is covered in drapes and jewelled slipper places itself firmly flails out from the curtains, indicat- another four crow-like men, behind obviously has Feminine Contents. on an upright tack, and the dance is ing there is a very substantial him, roll up the carpet he has just The townsfolk are trying to see on. ZigZag screams in pain, trying woman inside. The astonished walked In, then rush around the what’s inside, but they daren’t come to maintain control. The yes-men Cobbler stumbles this way and front, just in time to unroll the new too near. When they do, one of the and eunuchs are powerless to help that, not stepping on a single tack. carpet for him to step on as the yes-men lashes out at them with a as they are also leaping about He is trying to pick them up but previous four roll up the carpet whip. Also, shooting in and out of screaming in agony. The Thief spilling more in the process. ZigZag has just finished with. Then the eunuch’s huge pantaloon legs, as immediately extricates himself and they run that one around to the if from curtain to curtain, is a 6 ZigZag: (controlling himself): SEQ. 2. WAKE, WAKE, MY FATHER! TAKE HIM INTO THE PAL- SOMETHING’S HAPPENING ACE! The throne room. Guards are in WITHOUT! (echoing their master) attendance and a very large, very King Nod: Goblet: aged eunuch stands behind the ER ... ER ... OH? INTO THE PALACE WITH throne, fanning the King gently. HIM! The King is slumped over like a (Procession entering) bean-bag, head lolling to the right, Slap: snoring. At the entrance Goblet, Goblet: THE PALACE! INTO THE THRONE ROOM Gopher, Slap and Tickle (with WITH HIM! castrati obligatto from the Eu- Tickle: nuchs) signal the arrival of ZigZag. Gopher: INTO THE ER ... QUICK! QUICK! INTO THE Slap: TAKE HIM INTO THE PAL- THRONE ROOM! ACE! TAKE HIM INTO THE THE PALACE! Slap: PALACE! GET IN! Dwarf: TAKE HIM INTO THE PAL- TAKE HIM INTO THE PAL- ACE! Tickle: ACE! YES, GET IN!

4 Eunuchs: Cut to a big close-up of a young beauty, giving a playful lick up the CRASH! The Cobbler is pushed TAKE HIM AND SEIZE HIM! stumbling into the throne room in TAKE HIM INTO THE PAL- side of the sleeping King’s face. He stirs. front of the procession, tacks falling ACE! and spindles and spools spilling. King Nod: Guards seize the poor Cobbler OH ! King Nod: and the enormous palace doors WHO IS IT? vibrate open. Their edges are like Princess YumYum: (in his ear) IT’S YUMYUM, DADDY. Zigzag:(stepping to the front) teeth. It is a frightening bit of OH, GREAT KING NOD, machinery which draws back to King Nod: HAVE NO FEAR, allow the entrance of ZigZag’s OH ... MY LITTLE.. ER .. ER .. ZIGZAG, YOUR GRAND procession. They march through PRINCESS.. ER .. ER ... VIZIER, IS HERE! the palace doors, still chanting. (he looks closely at her) King Nod: Princess YumYum: OH? . . . IT’S YOU. . . ZIGZAG. From a safe distance, the Thief YUMYUM. . . (snore) sees the palace doors open and he races through the crowd up to the King Nod: ZigZag: MMM... YUMYUM ... MY PET... entrance. Two guards silently step OH , GREATEST KING OF forward to block his path and the (snore) ALL THE EARTH, doors slowly close, the Thief Princess YumYum: THIS LOW-BORN PERSON outside. (in his ear again) OF NO WORTH, 7 ATTACKED ME IN THE ZigZag: Goblet: (echoing) Zigzag: (to the Princess - a smile SQUARE TODAY. . . OH, KING. . . OH, KING. . . HEAR! HEAR! with all teeth) SHALL WE TAKE HIS HEAD OF COURSE... AT THE MO- Gopher: AWAY? The Cobbler crawls forward on BRAVO! MENT... AT THE MOMENT . . . all fours, trying to pick up the tacks (recovering himself) Slap: OH ROSE OF THE WORLD, The Cobbler shakes like a leaf, in front of ZigZag’s feet. ZigZag SHOT DEAD! more tacks spilling onto the floor. falls over the crawling Cobbler. CROWN JEWEL OF THE LAND The young Princess eyes the young ZigZag: Tickle: Cobbler as a curio. OW! OW! THOU GREAT OH ... DEAD! (bows) YOUR SLIGHTEST WHIM IS King Nod: (slipping back to sleep FOOL! The Cobbler is still trying to MY COMMAND. again) King Nod:(shooting awake) OH . . . UH . . . ZIGZAG. . . IF WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? clean up the tacks. Zigzag is still King Nod: YOU REALLY. . . THINK SO . . stepping on them. COBBLER - GO WITH THE . Princess YumYum: Princess Yumyum: PRINCESS. O LET HIM GO FATHER, NO (His eyes are fighting not to BUT DADDY . . . BUT... REAL HARM APPEARS TO DADDY... close) BE DONE. Exit Princess and Cobbler, the Princess YumYum: (to ZigZag) Cobbler following in a daze, BUT WHAT HAS HE DONE? Close up of ZigZag frozen as bashing into things. Cut to Zigzag, with his stick YumYum interjects. Yumyum pulls ZigZag: under the cobbler’s chin as he gets off her shoe and breaks it. O FAIREST PRINCESS, up. There is a quick exchange of NOBLY BRED, Princess YumYum: looks between ZigZag and ... AT THE MOMENT ... I ... WORRY NOT YOUR YumYum. PRETTY HEAD (snap) NEED . . . A COB- ZigZag:(to King) BLER. WITH TIRESOME BUSINESS O FONT OF WISDOM, THIS OF THE COURT FOOL, THIS FIEND, THIS She looks at the Cobbler, promise - THIS... COBBLER... IS OF PEASANT’S SPAWN NO IMPORT. - OW! (stepping on tack) HAS in her eyes. Both the Cobbler and ZigZag are astonished. MADE THIS ATTACK ZigZag pulls out an ejecting wand ON ME SINCE DAWN! King Nod: which expands into a rod which he MMMMM . . . King Nod: puts behind the Cobbler’s neck, and ATTACK? WITH WHAT? presses his face to the floor. But the King is soundly asleep and ZigZag ZigZag: releases his stick from the Cobbler’s WITH TACKS! THAT’S neck as he steps forward to waken WHAT! the King. THIS PUBLIC HAZARD SHOULD BE SHOT!

8 SEQ. 2. 1. way across the draw-bridge, over SEQ. 2.2. Goblet: the moat before the Thief, tempo- Cut to the throne room - ZigZag MOMBASSA ... It is still early morning. The great rarily stuck at the top of a slight is up close to the King, confiden- Gopher: spiked panels of the palace gate are rise, sticks his head back out, takes tially. The pink palanquin is being MOMBASSA ... opening again. A gong rings. aim, and propels himself very hard brought forward by the four bearer- Dwarf’s voice: (off) down the rise. The cart rolls precari- eunuchs. It looks pretty heavy. Slap: OPEN FOR THE ROYAL ously down the slope and across the (Whenever the pink palanquin and MOMBASSA ... POLO PONIES! bridge, following the end horses. its contents appear in the picture, The Thief has his arms inside there is the constant sound of Tickle: (giggling) Eunuchs: now, and we only see the cart itself, heavy, usually excited breathing MOMBASSA ... (echoing in castrati) in long shot, go right across the from within.) OPEN FOR THE ROYAL bridge, where the horses have gone ZigZag: ZigZag gestures to the palanquin, POLO PONIES! in, past the guards on either side of AND NOW, O GREATEST OF and we see a dark, longlashed violet OPEN FOR THE ROYAL the gate. It goes right inside the gate THE GREAT, female eye, peeking through the POLO PONIES! ... but only temporarily, as the cart TO REST YOU FROM AF- folds. OPEN FOR THE ROYAL turns and goes back out of the gate, FAIRS OF STATE, The King, raising his head and POLO PONIES! wiggling and wobbling halfway I’VE SEARCHED THE coming out of his stupor, says: across the bridge. It stops, stuck WORLD, AND BROUGHT A procession of horsemen on a King: against a plank at the side of the YOU THENCE, AT NO MOMBASSA? string of magnificent polo ponies bridge. LITTLE EFFORT, AND begins to pass through the gate. Pause. The guards are watching, GREAT EXPENSE, At this, there is a deep chortle There are twenty-four horses - mystified. The two arms, after a A PLAYTHING from inside the palanquin. twelve black and twelve white. time, come out of the bin, reach to FROM FAR SOUTH OF GAZA Toward the end of the line, as they the wheels, and give a hefty push, - A BOUNTIFUL MAIDEN are filing past, we see a rubbish and the Thief dumps himself into FROM MOMBASSA! collector’s push-cart on two large the moat. Splash! wheels, a halo of flies hovering over He can’t swim, but makes a the filthy can. The Thief sticks his Through the air, ZigZag’s hands pathetic attempt. Mostly sub- trace an enormously voluptuous head out, looks to see if anybody’s merged, he struggles his way watching, peers toward the open female shape, as he says “BOUN- alongside the palace, out of sight of TIFUL MAIDEN” and, as he says gate, and ducks his head back in out the guards, around a curve, where of sight. “FROM MOMBASSA”, he leans he is just able to save himself by right into the ear of the King. With his head out of view, his grabbing onto the square-ended two arms come over the top of the vent of a large pipe which runs up bin and, with difficulty at first, he the outside of the palace wall. With starts pushing the wheels, like a great difficulty, the Thief wriggles paraplegic, trying to follow the his way inside the vent and we leave horses. him working his way up the inside Because the Thief can’t get going of the palace piping. fast enough, the last horses are half- 9 SEQ. 2.3. SEQ. 2.4. and we see the flash of painted toes, Cut to the outside of the palace, She is singing, obviously still Cut to the palace wall, outside a hand, an ear, a thigh. . . quite high up to see an elaborate amused by the oddity of the the same window. We see the system of piping, jointed and Cobbler. The Shy Cobbler is trying piping ripping loose as the Thief Pan right, back to the commode curving. We know the Thief is to measure her foot, blushing, makes his way up. The piping as the erotic chortlinq continues out working his way along the inside, getting up and sitting down, to get doesn’t quite fall off, though, and of shot. Flies first appear from the followed by the halo of flies on the things, afraid to measure her foot, we travel upwards with the pipes to bowl of the commode and hover, outside. The joints and pipes are afraid to touch her, hitting his the top of the palace, where we can followed by the Thief’s feet. After vibrating and trembling with his thumbs. see the City down below. The some squeegy sounds, the Thief’s weight. The odd nail and screw and piping leads into a turret with a robe appears, and finally, his head. plaster fall loose, as he works his There is a great creaking and a single crescent-moon-shaped He manages to get one hand out way ever upwards. large pipe falls just into view window. The Thief makes his way onto the marble topping, when he outside the large window behind successfully up the tubing and into is transfixed at the sight of the Cut to interior, Princess’ cham- the Cobbler, pulled half off the the base of the turret. jewel-encrusted sash. With diffi- bers. Trees grow through the floor palace wall by the weight of the culty, he reaches up and grabs the and birds sing. The Princess is on a Thief crawling up the inside. The Cut to the King’s chamber. We shining sash. It pulls down a bit, swing. She swings gently in and out Cobbler and Princess are too pre- see a luxuriously appointed com- and there is the sound of what can of the picture. The Cobbler is occupied with each other to notice. mode. A crescent-moon-shaped only be described as a medieval silhouetted against a window, window shows the blue sky out- flushing. cobbling furiously, when she swings side. The hole is surrounded by up towards him, with her one little green silk cushioning, studded with For a moment, the Thief’s head, barb foot. Every time she swings gems. A golden sash is hanging, in total surprise, stays there as his out of shot, he stops working and encrusted with large emeralds and shoulders and body whirr . . . and looks lovestruck after her. And rubies. The royal crest is on the base then he is flushed away. then, when the foot comes back in, of the commode and an ornate he is cobbling furiously. toilet-paper holder holds the royal Cut to a top shot, looking down toilet paper, with the King’s crest the dark bowl as the Thief’s eyes embossed on each square of the disappear down the tube. Cut to paper. Red velvet drapes, and a deep tne pink palanquin. The King’s rug. head peeps out quizzically from within the folds. He has heard the Pan left to the King’s sound of the flushing. Cut to the bedchamber. Straddled across the outside of the piping against the King’s bed is the pink palanquin. palace walls. Very fast cuts as the The King is sitting on the end of Thief shoots down the inside of all the bed, poking into the quivering the tubes, picking up momentum, pink drapery, and grunting like a pin ball. He shoots out of the amusedly. From inside, we hear original vent, SPLASH, right back deep, husky giggles. The drapery into the moat. outlines the various shapely orbs, 10 SEQ. 2.5. Eunuch 4: YUMYUM! Dwarf: (leaping for another leg - as Princess YumYum is shocked. A Cut back to the Princess’ cham- if it were a stage curtain) tack falls from the Cobbler’s ber. The Cobbler is shyly putting THE GREAT LORD ZIGZAG mouth. She picks it up and sticks it the repaired slipper on the Princess’ back in for him. tiny foot. He can hardly bring Eunuch 1: THE Dwarf: (hops again) himself to do it, and is stopping Eunuch 2: GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE DONE and starting. Eunuch 3: LORD WITH Princess YumYum: Eunuch 4: ZIGZAG IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S Eunuch 1: WHEN Dwarf: (leaping to another leg) BETTER THAN NEW. SENDS GREETINGS! Eunuch 2: YOU Eunuch 3: HAVE Eunuchs: (all four in harmony) Eunuch 4: DONE WITH As soon as the slipper is on, a SENDS GREETINGS! gong goes and the four huge, Dwarf: (hops again) muscle-bound, smooth, black, Dwarf: (leaps to another leg) HIM! shiny-skinned eunuchs fill the AND BIDS YOU RETURN Eunuchs: (all in harmony) doorway. They are the same four HYMN! eunuchs who carried the pink Eunuch 1: AND palanquin. Each has a large scimitar. Eunuch 2: BIDS Eunuch 3: YOU The Princess with a sly smile YumYum spreads a protective Eunuch 4: RETURN takes off her other slipper and snaps it in two. hand towards the Cobbler and steps Dwarf: (hops to another leg) in front of him. THE COBBLER Princess YumYum: NOT AT THE MOMENT Eunuchs:(all four in harmony) Out from behind a eunuch’s THE COBBLER (she hands the broken slipper to pantaloon pops the shrunken dwarf the Cobbler) and in his deep basso profundo he Dwarf: (hops to another leg) NOT TODAY! booms out the recitative. INTO HIS CARE! (she continues to smile at the Dwarf: eunuchs) OH BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS Princess YumYum frowns. YUMYUM! The eunuchs exit backwards, Eunuch 1: IN bowing. As the doorway curtain Eunuch 2: TO closes, we hear the same gong. He is followed up on high by the Eunuch 3: HIS castrati barbershop quartet holding Eunuch 4: CARE their notes in “chime” chords. Dwarf: (hops again) Eunuch 1: OH FOR BEHEADING! Eunuch 2: BEAUTIFUL Eunuchs: (all four in harmony) Eunuch 3: PRINCESS FOR BEHEADING! 11 SEQ.2.6. Gopher stands, preparing the Gopher: Tickle: Cut to a close-up of ZigZag’s bandages. Goblet glares at him. YOUR LORDSHIP. YOUR OH! ALL-ON-HIGH. I AM AS DUST GLADLY, MASTER. head. In the background is the Goblet: (to ZigZag) desert. A pyramid and a sphinx go YOUR GRACE! AT YOUR FEET. (He tickles ZigZag’s feet) by . . . giving the impression that he Gopher: ZigZag: ZigZag: is riding somewhere. The camera YOUR REVERENCE! GOBLET! NO, YOU FOOL! pulls back and we see it is a large OINTMENT! Goblet: painting being carried by two of his Goblet: BALM! YOUR EMINENCE! YOUR GRACE. EMINENCE. yes-men, Slap and Tickle. YOUR PLEASURE, MY AHAHAHA! Gopher: LORD! Tickle: ZigZag is seated on a semi- EMINENCE! MEMSAHIB! OH, SORRY, MASTER! throne. He kicks off ZigZag: Goblet: his slippers. SLAP! ZigZag: YOUR DIVINITY! GET ON WITH IT! ZigZag: Slap: MAKE HASTE! GOPHER! 19. OH, YOUR REVERENCE, YOUR HOLINESS, YOUR. . . Gopher: Slap and ‘Tickle have put the YOUR. . . 20. YOUR COMMAND IS MY painting down and adjust bolsters WISH, MILORD! and help with his damaged feet. ZigZag: ZigZag: TICKLE! AH, GOPHER. . ZigZag: (pointing to his feet) The four of them compete in BANDAGES! anticipating and attending to TIckle: Gopher: ZigZag’s needs. OH CERTAINLY, MY LORD! YOUR WORSHIP. Gopher runs over to an ornate ZigZag: (pointing to his right foot) OH, AT ONCE, YOUR HIGH- ZigZag: Persian box with a little red cross in SLAP! NESS! AHAHAHA! . . . GOBLET. . . the centre of its design, and takes Slap: ZigZag: Goblet: out some bandages, pronto. YES MASTER SIR! GOBLET! YOUR GRACE, ZigZag: (holding out his hand) ZigZag:(pointing to other foot) Goblet: ZigZag: GOBLET. . . GOBLET! TICKLE! MY PLEASURE, WITH PLEA- . . . SLAP. . . SURE, EXCELLENCE! Goblet: (pouring wine into a goblet) Tickle: Slap: YOUR GRACE! YOUR OH, CERTAINLY, MY LORD! ZigZag: MASTER, GRACE! YOUR PLEASURE, OH, AT ONCE, YOUR HIGH- GOPHER! ZigZag: MILORD! AVEC PLAISIR! NESS! Gopher: . . . AND TICKLE, . . AHAHAHA! YOUR REVERENCE, SIRE. Goblet promptly places the Tickle: ZigZag: YOUR WORSHIP! AHAHAHAHA! goblet in ZigZag’s hand. GOPHER! Gopher: (returning with bandages) ZigZag: ZigZag: CON MUCHO GUSTO! TICKLE! AFFECTIONS OF THE MY FEET! WORLD ARE FICKLE...

12 Goblet: Slap: ZigZag: YES! YES. AND WHAT DID PRINCESS VERY TRUE, THAT. YUMYUM SAY? Gopher: SO TRUE! YES! Out pops the dwarf from the Slap: ZigZag: VERY TRUE! KNOWING ALL THE NEEDS pantleg curtains and bellows deeply. OF KINGS. Dwarf: Tickle: NOT AT THE MOMENT! YES! Goblet: OH, WISE ONE. ZigZag: Eunuch 1 : NOT BUT I’M REVERED Gopher: Eunuch 2: AT THROUGHOUT THE LAND. INDEED! Eunuch 3: THE Eunuch 4: MOMENT Goblet: Slap: YES, MILORD! WELL, YOU WOULD, WOULDN’T YOU? Gopher: Dwarf: (hopping to another leg) NOT TODAY! EVERYWHERE! 21. Slap: Eunuchs: (all four in harmony) ZigZag: NOT TODAY! CERTAINLY ARE, SIR! WELL, OF COURSE, NATU- Tickle: RALLY! NO MATTER WHAT OH, YOU ARE REVERED. MAY CAUSE DELAY, IN THE ZigZag: ABSOLUTELY. END I GET MY WAY. (forces a smile, all teeth. I THANK YOU TOO MUCH! (Slap and Tickle stroke him ar- Goblet: dently) OH, GET YOUR OWN WAY Fade. ZigZag: (to Tickle) ALL RIGHT, YES! CAREFUL WHERE YOU PUT Gopher: YOUR HAND! AND RIGHTLY SO! Tickle: Slap: AHAHAHA! WE’RE READY TO OBEY Goblet: (to Tickle) TOO, SIR! CRETIN! Tickle: ZigZag: NATURALLY, HE ALWAYS NOTICE HOW I HANDLE DOES GET IT! THINGS. . . AHAHAHA! Gopher: SO TRUE! The gong goes, and the four eunuchs appear in the doorway. ZigZag looks up. 13 SEQ. 3. comes his head - the grill sitting on image is still humming and scratch- backscratchers appear to be his own Fade in on the outside wall of the top. He carefully puts the grill ing its back with an identical tiny hands. palace. down and works himself out of the backscratcher. The Thief, flat on his Princess MeeMee: The sun is much higher now. We drain. He is fascinated by the belly, puts his hand up to the (looking at herself in her tiny move in to a close shot of the lavender bubbles, which are floating mirror, finds there is no mirror hand-mirror) vertical piping, vibrating as the everywhere, shimmering and there at all, reaches through where MAYHAP SOMETHING DIED Thief inside makes his way. More reflecting his distorted eyes and face the mirror ought to be and swipes Cut to the little backscratcher plaster and screws fall loose. Precari- in every quivering bubble. the other backscratcher. hands, disappearing under the safety 23. ous. The camera pulls back and we Mesmerised, he watches them of the door-curtaining. see the piping leading up high to disappear naturally and he pops Princess MeeMee: the King’s turret, the City below. others with his finger. BUT WHERE IS MY Because this time the camera is back Hugging the floor he crawls BACKSCRATCHER, further, we see there is aT-junction across the tiles seeking the source of YUMYUM? in the piping leading. these wondrous things. Then he sees the beauteous head, shoulders Princess YumYum: 22. WHERE IS MY and back of the bathing princess. BACKSCRATCHER, sideways off to another turret, But it is not the princess who has MEEMEE? PERCHANCE with a large window. The shaking , riveted his attention - it is the WITHIN THE WATER? tubing and the following halo of glittering jewel-encrusted ivory flies tell us the Thief is arriving at backscratcher with which she is We see the backs of the two tubs, the T-junction. I He turns left this scratching her beautiful leg and which almost touch each other, as time, away from the King’s turret, flicking bubbles around. She the princesses in profile talk and and over, up and into the other scritches her back with it. This is all fish around in the water for their turret, with the big female-shaped very sexy, doubly sexy with the backscratchers. The Thief is on the windows. double image in the mirror. But the floor between the two tubs and is Thief only has eyes for the jewel- making his escape, commando- Cut to the inside of the big encrusted backscratcher. He works style. glowing sunlit windows, and we see his way just below YumYum’s eye Princess MeeMee: Princess YumYum taking a bubble level, alongside the tub and around MY SISTER, WHAT FOUL bath. A full-length mirror reflects to her back, and gracefully slides the ODOUR IS HERE? her so that it almost appears there backscratcher out of her hand. He Princess YumYum: are two princesses bathing. She is ducks as she turns around and starts (sniffing the air with distaste] extremely voluptuous, playing with fishing in the water for the lost MAYHAP THE PIPES ARE the beautiful big bubbles. We hear backscratcher. She has been hum- BACKED UP. the sound of the flies with an echo. ming, seemingly in harmony with Cut to the Thief, still on his The camera swings right, and on her echo in a kind of round which stomach, backing towards the door- the floor there is a kind of shower we only now realise is impossible curtain. As he works his way, his basin grill and the flies rise through for one person alone to do. The sleeves cover over his real hands so it, followed by the Thief’s fingers. Thief now notices that although that the little fork-like hands on the He eases the grill loose and up YumYum has stopped, the mirror- 14 SEQ.3.1. Goblet: ZigZag: NICE AND COMFY THAT, Cut to a large close-up of A VOTRE SERVICE, YOUR IT IS NOT! (Chucks goblet EH? ZigZag’s head. It is distorted. POP! GRACE. away) ZigZag lias spotted a fly, which is - it disappears. Pullout to show INDEED. IT IS NOT INTERESTING AT buzzing around his head. ALL! other reflections of ZigZag in Gopher: ZigZag: deeper darker colour bubbles. Pull OH, SIR SIR. Goblet: (catching goblet) HEIS NOTHING BUT A PEST, further back and we see we are in NOT AT ALL. A FLY IN MY ARISTOCRATIC Slap: ZigZag’s bath chamber. He is in the SOUP. SIR SIR SIR SIR. Tickle: tub (black and vultureshaped with AHAHAHA! Tickle: Goblet: talons for legs) surrounded by dark MMMMMMM. purplish bubbles which reflect the AHAHAHA! Gopher: QU ITE RIGHT. personality of the bather. Goblet, ZigZag: ZigZag: BEFORE ANOTHER DAY Gopher, Slap and Tickle rush PRINCESS YUMYUM Slap: around him, administering to his SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH WHY DIDN’T WE SEE THAT? GOES BY . . . needs as before. THIS COBBLER AND HIS He pullslout his cigar-like stick, Tickle: Goblet: LOT. . . AHAHAHA! flicks it, and it is a telescopic self- EMINENCE. ejecting fly-swatter. Goblet: As ZigZag rises from the tub, he Gopher: VERY. OH, VERY. steps into a bath-sheet held by Slap ZigZag: EMINENCE. I’LL SWAT THE BUZZING Gopher: and Tickle, and accepts another NINCOMPOOP! Tickle: (pouring oil into bath) YES. goblet of wine from Goblet. Slap YOUR GRACE. goes for ZigZag’s robe. Tickle (on SWAT, ZigZag swats the fly) Slap: Tickle gives out a startled yell. AHAHAHA! TRUE. TRUE! brings his curling iron and begins to dress ZigZagls beard, Gopher slides Goblet: Slap: (scrubbing ZigZag’s back) Tickle: a chair under ZigZag as he sits WELL DONE. OH, SIR SIR. YES. AH, YES. WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS. down. Slap: YES, INDEED. 25. GOOD SHOT, SIR! 24. ZigZag: Gopher: (placing chair) Gopher: TWICE TODAY SHE’S EMINENCE. OH, I SAY! Goblet: (testing the water) SAVED HIS BACON. INTER- Goblet:(handing him fresh goblet) MMMMM ESTING, IS IT NOT? Tickle: SIRE. EMINENCE. OH AHAHAHA! Goblet: BRILLIANT AHAHAHA! ZigZag: Tickle: (curling beard) OH, VERY. THERE WE ARE. GOBLET! OH, WISE ONE. Goblet hands ZigZag a goblet Slap: ZigZag’s flyswatter retracts of wine. Slap: CHARMING. Snap! He drinks. ER, YEH, YEH. Goblet: (drying feet) (grunt) Tickle: THERE WE ARE. YOUR I COULDN’T AGREE MORE. LORDSHIP. ENORMOUSLY. 15 SEQ. 3.2. Thief hides behind the palanquin. SEQ. 3.3. Cut to the Cobbler sitting over The Cobbler leaps through the 27. ZigZag yanks the slipper free. alone in front of the window, palanquin to get him, crashing into The cobbler shoots straight into Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle intently working on the Princess’ the King and the Maiden within. ZigZag’s dressing room, where he are giggling and snorting sadisti- white slipper. He is embroidering The King pokes his head out in bashes into ZigZag from the back, cally. an attractive gold pattern around amazement, then the Maiden’s feet knocking ZigZag into a sit-down ZigZag lets go of his prong stick the edge. We hear the sound of encircle his neck and pull him back fall over the Cobbler. More tacks and looks at the slipper. Goblet, flies. growing louder and louder. into the curtains. Thief and Cob- spill again. Goblet, Gopher, Slap Gopher, Slap and Tickle are still punctuated by the odd sandal creak. bler shoot through the legs of the and Tickle surround the Cobbler to cackling and snorting about what The Thief appears. Looking every- King’s huge aged eunuch guarding bar his possible exit. And the will happen next to the Cobbler. where but behind him, he backs the door - but the eunuch is so tall entrance is blocked by the huge ZigZag absently draws back a down some steps toward the and his legs so long he doesn’t even eunuchs. ZigZag, enraged, gets to curtain, which reveals a garden. He Cobbler who also has his back to notice them - only the breeze. The his feet. He pulls at the slipper as glances with Interest into it, and the Thief. Without slipping, the Cobbler, temporarily losing the the Cobbler hangs onto it with smiles devilishly. Then, pushing a Thief backs gingerly down the Thief, passes some forty thieves- both hands. button on the handle of his stick, steps, across the room, right up to type of line jugs. The lid of the end ZigZag: the prongs retract, releasing the 26. one, unseen by the Cobbler, lifts up AHA, YOU’VE FINISHED Cobbler from his position on the the Cobbler’s back. The Cobbler showing the Thief inside, then goes YUMYUM’S SHOE! wall, and he presents the shoe back lifts his head in the air, sniffing in back down and the jug falls over YOU ARE YOUR OWN to the Cobbler. distaste and BAM! - they touch, with a crash. It knocks over all the UNDOER. ZigZag: Back to back they grab at each others in domino fashion and jugs ON SECOND THOUGHT, other. They are in a reverse embrace bounce and roll and crash down ZigZag is pulling the Cobbler YOU TAKE THE SHOE. similar to their first meeting in the two sets of stairs. The Thief gets toward himself, by the slipper, then I THINK I MIGHT ALLOW cobbler’s shop. There are several out, the Cobbler spots him, and pulls out his cigar-like stick. . . short, sharp grapplings and clinches, they shoot down the stairs through A LAST GOODBYE TO HER ZigZag: then the Cobbler bends down very the flying jugs, and curtains, plants, YOU’VE SERVED YOUR FROM YOU fast and the Thief somersaults over pots, rugs and tapestries, miracu- PURPOSE, SHE’S IN THE GARDEN him, landing sitting down straight lously avoiding destruction. The NOW YOU’RE THROUGH! NOW. in front of the Cobbler. They both Cobbler makes a running leap at recoil in recognition. Suddenly the the Thief, going around a corner, On THROUGH - sproing! The ZigZag (peers into the garden and Thief sees and grabs the embroi- and grabs the slipper out of the pretends to see something awful. dered slipper and runs out witth it. Thief’s hand in mid-air. The Thief stick ejects itself into a longer stick with a horseshoe-shaped end with The Cobbler after a moment of spirals away, riding down a staircase 28. addled confusion tears after him. handrail, sliding away below, then two talons, and pins the Cobbler to the wall by the neck. The Cobbler ZigZag: crashes through a stained-glass DEAR ME! I SEE A BEASTLY They run and skid across slippery window. The Cobbler goes head- is still holding onto the slipper, which ZigZag also grasps. STRANGER! tile floors, around corners, along first down another set of stairs, YOUR PRINCESS SEEMS ZigZag: walls, in and out of doors, around some doors, diving between the legs TO BE IN DANGER! columns and past mirrors. They go of all four Eunuchs who are barring I’LL GLADLY TAKE IT TO into the King’s chamber and the a series of four entrances. HER. 16 ZigZag winks at Goblet, Gopher, SEQ. 3.4. Princess MeeMee: Goblet: Slap and Tickle as the Cobbler The Cobbler suddenly jumps 29. HOW DROLL! TAKE HIM AWAY! AND KILL looks, horrorstricken, out into the over the side of the balcony into the Gopher: garden. Most of the tacks drop out garden. There is a muffled crash of HIM AT DAWN! OH, AN AMUSION! of his mouth. the tools and nails in his pants as he A WHAT? lands, The Beast looks up in alarm. Gong sounds and Eunuchs Goblet: Slap: OH MY! The Cobbler runs straight at the appear. I from the pantaloons. OH, ER, HEH HEH. Beast and starts swatting him with The dwarf leaps out Gopher: YEH. OH, DEAR YOU! the Princess’s slipper. The Princess is Dwarf: WHAT? shrieking, and he then hands the Four Eunuchs: Slap: slipper to the Princess, whips out Tickle: ER, YEAH! his little hammer and bangs the Dwarf: OH. TAKE HIM AWAY AND KILL YES, YES, ISN’T IT? Tickle: Beast on his multi-toed feet. The HIM AT DAWN! AHAHAHA! GRACIOUS! Beast is blubbering and shrieking. TAKE HIM AWAY AND KILL Beast: HIM AT DAWN! Cut to the Cobbler’s point of MEEMEE! TAKE HIM AWAY AND KILL Cut to the Princess MeeMee. view. The camera zooms in on a MEEMEE! HIM AT DAWN! with trembling branches, and the huge, distorted, lime-green beast HELP! (in descent) TAKE HIM AWAY huge the branches at the top. who has the Princess clasped in an HELP! AND KILL HIM AT DAWN! She is in front of a large bush, eye of the Beast peeking through embrace. Princess MeeMee: The Cobbler is totally confused, STOP IT, STOP IT! OH! STOP The Cobbler looks desperately at Princess MeeMee: looks back and forth at ZigZag and IT! OO! THERE, THERE, BUBBA, MY the princess for a sign of compas- PRINCE. . . HONEY SWEET his henchmen and at what he sees in SOMEBODY. . . sion but there is none there. He is the garden. OO! PET. . . DI D THE TERRIBLE dragged out of the garden by the MAN HURTUMS? OO! two guards. The Eunuchs follow, still chanting. The eye] nods and the grotesque The Cobbler drives the Beast head comes out from the bush a across the garden and into the trees, Cut to ZigZag and his minions little bit. then turns and runs back to the watching. Princess MeeMee: NEVER MIND, BUBBA LOVE, Princess and bows shyly before her. ZigZag: WHAP! HEHHAH HEH! MOST AMUS- HE IS GONE NOW HE WILL She swats him across the face ING. HIS CONFUSING PRIN- BE PUNISHED. OH MY with the slipper and claps her CESS MEEMEE WITH HER LOVE, BUBBUMS HURT? hands ,and screams. TWIN! Beast : Princess MeeMee: IT IS A GENUINE AMUSION, YETH. GUARDS! GUARDS! I THE CONFUSION WHICH The two guards we saw at the HE’S IN! HEHHAHHEH! 30. gate arrive instantly and apprehend the Cobbler. 17 Princess MeeMee: SEQ. 3.5. to the ground with a thud. His THERE, BUBBA, MY DID THE AWFUL MAN HURT Cut to the Thief looking at the head emerges from the ripped vine. PRINCE. HIMS LITTLE TOES? peacocks while we still hear muffled A look at the Princess. She has not Prince Bubba: Beast : gurgles of pleasure. He makes his stirred. Crawling on his stomach, THAT MAN DIDN’T THINK I YETH (sob sob) HURT HURT way along the garden wall until his commando-style, he crosses the WAS A PRINCE. HE ME, MEEMEE! attention is caught by a gleaming courtyard and up some steps to the THOUGHT I WAS A . . . A silver ornament on top of a pavilion platform which supports the large BEAST! Princess MeeMee: visible just over the wall. He starts white fur rug in which the Princess THERE, THERE HONEY Princess MeeMee: LOVE. . . MY PRINCE. . . MY climbing the vines of red roses is ensconced. She doesn’t stir, and so OH, WHAT DOES HE KNOW! OWN PRINCE BUBBA which cling to the wall. Though he the Thief steps onto the rug and has difficulty getting to the top, ever-so-carefully tiptoes through it MeeMee takes out a small hand- Beast : once there he is transfixed at what toward the glistening jewelled mirror and admires herself. She is MEEMEE, MEEMEE . . . MY he sees on the other side. slippers. He delicately takes an always doing this. PRINCESS In the next garden, we see an armful of shining slippers and Prince Bubba: immaculate white pavilion, in front escapes half-way back across the BUT LOOK AT ME, MEEMEE! During this, the Beast is getting of which is a low platform on rug, when there is a deep rumble. MAYBE I AM A BEAST! out of the bush in which he is which spreads a large circular white The ground starts to shake and MeeMee continues to gaze at her sitting as if it were a large garden fur rug. On the fur rug, the Princess vibrate below him. The Thief looks reflection as she reaches up absently seat. As sections of him come out YumYum is lying, clad in white, on in all directions as huge white dogs’ and pats Bubba’s cheek. of the bush, the branches spring a white bolster, and we can just see heads rise up encircling him. We see Princess MeeMee: back into place. her gorgeous figure translucent that the rug is made up of enor- NONSENSE! While she is administering to underneath. Everything is white, mous white dogs arranged in a 32. him, and genuinely caring for him, like a television soap commercial. circle, bottom to bottom in the Princess MeeMee: Princess MeeMee takes a small The only real colour is a pile of centre, the Thief trapped neatly at YOU’RE A HANDSOME hand-mirror .and looks at herself, broken bejewelled slippers which the middle, as the camera pulls PRINCE UNDER AN EN- adjusting her hair, etc., still cooing the princess has been snapping in back. CHANTMENT... to him, He ends up on the grass two. The jewelled slippers are Cut to the next garden with the with her as she mothers him, reflected in the Thief’s eyes as he peacocks. As we hear terrible MeeMee puts the mirror down and smiles sweetly at Prince caressing him, fondling him, kissing peers over the wall. The princess rending, snarling and ripping noises Bubba. his hurt toes. As the love scene yawns, and stretches out for a nap. from the white garden, the pea- intensifies, peacocks walk up and All the slippers have been broken. cocks are startled away and we see Princess MeeMee: spread their tails like fans, so that Princess MeeMee drying Prince OTHERWISE, WHAT WOULD we only see the heads of the Beast 31. Bubba’s tears with a small hankie. YOU BE DOING WITH ME? and the Princess which disappear We hear only the sound of the They look up, startled at the noise Prince Bubba : slowly down behind the fan-like flies as the Thief makes his way next door. ARE YOU SURE? tails. It is early evening. The sky is down the white rose vines on the Princess MeeMee: ( dissolve) gold and the garden is in lilac inside of the white garden. The MY SISTER AND HER PETS! shadows. Thief is a dung-coloured mass (MeeMee goes on drying moving against this purity. The Bubba’s tears) THERE, vines suddenly give way and he falls 18 SEQ. 3.6. SEQ. 3. 7. SO I COUNT NOT THE EF- SEQ.3.8. Fade in on the bars of the win- It is early evening The royal polo FORT THIS COST, I ASSURE Cut to the Thief, his cloak dow of a dungeon door. The ponies are going on review before YOU. shredded, running around the back Cobbler is working intently on the the King’s pavilion viewing stand. THOUGH THEIR PURCHASE of the palace and out onto the pile of jewelled slippers which Gold sunlight and lush green grass. WAS COSTLY... BUT DE- bright green of the grass and the Princess YumYum broke in two. TAILS WOULD BORE YOU. golden sunlight. He is exhausted He has a large ball and chain Beside the King, straddled across King: and very much the worse for wear. clamped around his ankle. On the another “Throne” sits the pink ( bored) YES, YES, ZIGZAG, Suddenly a white, glittering sphere floor is a bowl of water and a lump palanquin. The King, seated beside VERY NICE. . . rolls past him and stops a few yards of bread on a plate. A few mice it, puts his hand in and strokes a ZigZag stands in grandiose away on the grass. He is hypnotized with beady eyes sit in a semi-circle purple knee which is just visible manner. by this glittering orb (about the size in front of him. He breaks off little amongst the drapery. Between the of a grapefruit) and he carefully bits of bread and throws them to part in the folds are a pair of tiny ZigZag: approaches it. As his head and hand the mice. white mother-of-pearl (In a loud voice, proclaiming to come right up to the ball, we hear 33. the assembly) We hear a horse’s whinny and a TO PLEASE KING NOD - the sudden thundering of hooves, loud clop of hooves close by. The opera glasses, held by a couple of BELOVED BY ALL, and CRACK! the ball and the Thief Cobbler looks up to the only purple fingers with pink nail COMMENCE THE GAME! go flying into the air. The Thief hits window, which is a slit of light varnish. We hear the familiar husky IN SHORT, PLAY BALL! the ground as the horses disappear with bars, towards the top of his giggle. The King, of course, is over a hillock and into the distance. cell. He pulls himself up, dragging falling asleep, ibut seems vaguely Trumpets blare, startling the King He can’t work out what has hap- the large ball and chain over be- interested in the horses. Seated at wide awake, and amid great cheer- pened, but he starts to go neath the window slit, and stands his other side fis ZigZag. ing, whinnying and thundering of hooves, the game begins. 34. on the ball, holding onto the bars, ZigZag: and pulls himself up to look out. O, IMPERIAL MAJESTY! away in the opposite direction There are two huge horse’s hooves I BEG YOUR INDULGENCE from the riders, when the glittering right at the window. Sky is gold - TO LET ME PRESENT ball quietly rolls up beside him. the grass is bright green. Cut to SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT. . . Still fascinated, he sees it, but outside the window. The Cobbler’s DIFFERENT! reckons it could be the cause of the eyes look out and the camera pulls FROM FARTHEST CATHAY, trouble, and so he starts moving back to reveal the elegant polo AT MY BIDDING WERE away from it. Stll rolling, the ball ponies. SENT follows him. No matter where the THE BEST POLO PONIES OF Thief steps, the ball keeps follow- THE ORIENT. ing him. We hear thunder of AS YOUR VIZIER AND SER- approaching hooves again. The VANT, OF COURSE Thief breaks into a run, the ball still I ADORE YOU. at his heels. up come the horses and IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEA- CRACK! - the Thief flies into the SURE TO MAKE PLEASURE air and splats on the ground again. FOR YOU. The horses race over the hill and into the middle distance where we 19 see the tips of the horses and riders the game. Then he shoots toward SEQ. 3.9. AS ANYONE CAN SEE, SHE turn and race towards the Thief. By us, and away, over a hill, where we 35. HAS ACHIEVED A CERTAIN now the Thief has worked out hear a splash. The camera cranes Cut to the King, asleep. . . the . . . BLOOM. . . what’s happening, and he runs on with him, and we see him helplessly game in full swing. Nobody seems King: his hands and knees into a large floating down a fast-moving to have noticed the Thief. (somewhat surprised) rabbit hole. Inside the dark of the stream. We follow him as the ZigZag: OH , REALLY? rabbit hole, we can see only the stream enters an underground 0, EVER VIGILANT MAJ- ZigZag: Thief’s white eyes and the screen passage and, finally, out the other ESTY! LIKE THE OPENING OF A shakes as the horses thunder past side, where the Thief grabs a rock at LOTUS! above and the sound fades away. the edge of the water, and just King: (suddenly awakened) IT HAS NOT ESCAPED The eyes show great relief. Then the manages to get himself out back OH! WHAT IS IT? YOUR NOTICE, I PRESUME? glittering white ball rolls down into onto land. He is emptying the the black screen and stops at where water out of his only shoe when the ZigZag: King: the Thief’s feet would be. In the polo ball arrives beside him. In I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY (suddenly, he is aware that he has dark we still see only the ball and desperation, he leaps into the TO SPEAK OUT WITH IMPU- been idly fondling the contents of the Thief’s eyes as we hear the stream, which of course is very NITY the palanquin - and withdraws his approaching pounding of hooves. shallow, and the ball follows him, NOW THAT WE ARE hand from within the pink curtains Too late, the Thief sees the ball in and CRACK! the game has caught ALONE... as if he had just grabbed a red-hot there with him and WHACK! - up with him again. Giggle from palanquin. poker.) OH, UH, OF COURSE. . . amid flying sod and earth, he is ZigZag: shot right up into the air where his IT’S FOR YOUR KINGDOM’S ZigZag: head is caught in the forked limb of UNITY, IN SHORT, SHE’S REACHED a tree and his body lands on the THE GOOD OF THE MATURITY. branch as the horsemen race past COMMUN ITY, SUCH LOVELINESS AND below. He heaves a sigh of relief, IF I TAKE A CANDID TONE... PURITY but then the gleaming white ball DEMAND INCREASED SE- King: drops from some upper foliage YES, YES, WHAT IS IT, ZIG- CURITY FROM UNTO- onto his head. As fast as he can go ZAG? WARD... ADVANCE... he shinnies backwards along the 36. limb to the main trunk and down ZigZag: King: the tree - only to find the ball rolls I SPEAK OF PRINCESS MEEMEE . . . WHAT! out from behind the trunk. He WHO DARES TO MAKE runs down a hill to get away but King: ADVANCE? the ball follows him in hot pursuit. MEEMEE? PRINCESS Chasing the ball, of course, come MEEMEE? ZigZag: the riders, and in long shot we see A CERTAIN... BEAST... SHE ZigZag: CALLS... THE PRINCE. the Thief being bashed by the YES - YES, THE PRINCESS horsemen and mallets, flying up MEEMEE. and down, hopele!sly entangled in (clears his throat delicately) 20 King: ZigZag: THAT IS, THE PRINCE TO SEQ. 13.4. THE PRINCE! A BEAST? IT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED TRAVEL THERE. . . Cut to the Thief escaping out of BUT WE HAVE ALWAYS SOLELY BY A WITCH, King: dark shadows, his head poking BELIEVED THAT BUBBA IS BOTH MAD AND HOLY AND WELL, IF YOU THINK SO, I’LL again into the late sunlight. He A PRINCE... UNDER AN AS ANCIENT AS THE MOUN- SLEEP ON IT. looks to the right, spots an open ENCHANTMENT... TAIN WHERE SHE DWELLS. (He starts to go to sleep.) doorway and runs inside. Cut to a ZigZag: King: long top shot of a checkered floor HER LONG INFATUATION AND WHERE IS THAT? At this point there is a burst of of an enormous dark hall. The FOR THIS ONE OF UNSURE Thief skids to a stop, looks around ZigZag: action as the polo ponies and riders STATION SHE IS FAR ACROSS THE thunder past and the game contin- blinking and begins to sneak COULD GIVE RISE TO SANDS ues. One ray of late afternoon sun forward. Cut to a full-figure shot of SPECULATION WHERE THE MAGIC MOUN- has lit up the three gold balls on the the Thief, sneaking along the dark IF IT BLOSSOMED TO RO- TAIN STANDS. tallest minaret - visible from the green checkered floor. Suddenly, he MANCE... WE MUST PUT IT IN HER King’s pavilion. stops, in a vibrating ‘take’. HANDS TO BREAK ALL Cut to a close-up of the Thief’s King: ZigZag: head as his eyes light up with BUT IS PRINCE BUBBA NOT SPELLS! (rising to his feet) A PRINCE ??? O WISEST OF RULERS! brilliant gleaming emeralds. King: HAPPY ARE THE SUB- ZigZag: THEN, TO SETTLE THE 38. ISSUE ONCE AND FOR ALL, JECTS WHO LIVE BENEATH (humouring him) YOUR HAND! Cut to a crystal bottle full of IF YOU HOLD TO THIS CON- THIS MAD AND HOLY OLD luminous emeralds shining in the VICTION WITCH MUST BE SUM- HAPPY IS THE KINGDOM IN THIS MILK AND HONEYED darkness. The Thief approaches, I WILL SPEAK NO CONTRA- MONED! sneaking up to the emeralds. DICTION LAND ZigZag: Transfixed, he puts his fingers all TO THIS TALE OF HIS AF- WE REJOICE AT ALL OH, SHE NEVER LEAVES AROUND US AS THIS BEAU- over the glass and examines the FLICTION - WHO CAN TELL? HER EYRIE, bottle and its contents. Then he IF THIS THEORY WE TEOUS EVENING FALLS FOR SHE’S FAR TOO OLD SAFE BENEATH THE SURE opens his robe and throws out all WOULD PROVE, AND WEARY his loot. Brass pots, pearls, jugs, AND IT REALLY WOULD PROTECTION OF THE AN- 37. CIENT GOLDEN BALLS. vanity cases, and brassware of all BEHOOVE descriptions crash noisily to the THERE’S BUT ONE WHO ZigZag: The camera goes up towards the AND WOULD FIND THE TRIP floor. He has made room... CAN REMOVE THIS EVIL three gold balls gleaming against the Next, the Thief rolls up his sleeve SPELL. . . TOO DREARY NOW TO peacock blue sky. BEAR... and reaches his scrawny arm into King: BUT, 0 HEAD OF EXCEL- the bottle and grabs the largest AND WHO’S THAT? LENCE, emerald. He tugs at it but it is too IT WOULD SEEM BUT big to come out of the neck of the COMMEN SENSE bottle. In fact, the neck of the FOR THE BEAST. . . bottle is too thin for any of the

21 emeralds to pass through it. But the SEQ. 13.6. platform as more people gather hands rattling in the platform Thief, naturally, keeps turning and Fade in on a top-shot of a palace round. The Guards march the Thief basket. The Thief pulls his tiny prying and pulling as the emeralds courtyard. Twilight. Getting darker up on to the platform to the stocks. stump ends back in and tucks them gleam in the darkness, lighting his through scene. We see a platform Cut to a front view of the stocks, under his arms, turns around, face. He has failed to notice the with stocks and executioner’s the Thief and Guards behind as one hobbles across the platform on his arrival of the two monolithic palace wooden basket in front. People are Guard lifts the top and the other knees and down the steps into the guards in blue, carrying scimitars, passing by the platform going Guard pushes the Thief forward. crowd which makes way for him as who have glided silently up behind about their business. The Thief’s hands are trembling he skitters away, gaining speed, him, summoned by. his crashing There is a wall behind the plat- violently. As they push him, indi- getting up off his knees as he runs brassware. The Thief eventually form with a double door. Doors cating for him to put his hands in out a convenient exit from the looks up at them, then goes back to suddenly bang open, revealing the the slots, the Thief’s trembling square. Cut to a back alley, the yanking at the emerald. He picks two Guards in blue with scimitars hands disappear up into his sleeves. Thief in the distance comes out of a up the whole bottle with his arm and the Thief (without the jewel Cut to a extreme close-up of the small archway and races up toward still in it, and runs a few steps away bottle) between them. Simulta- Thief’s head. Slowly his eyes us and ducks into a niche in the and continues to tug. The Guards neously shout: brighten and we see an expression wall. He looks back to see that no- smoothly slide up beside him and The Guards: on his face different from any we one is following him, and drops the Thief, still holding the bottle, (proclaiming) THIEF! have seen there before. He is takes a few more paces away, never THIEF! thinking! The Thief looks slyly up 40. interrupting his ineffective tugging at each Guard. Cut to an under- the backscratcher sticks out of his at the emerald. The Guards silently 39. shot of the Thief’s body and head. sleeves. He shudders, then stretches pick him up between them and cart The people look around at them His head and shoulders forward so his arms out and, grinning, wiggles him away, bottle, jewels and all - and others gather as the Guards that the Guards cannot see neath, his real fingers in triumph. Then he the Thief still tugging pathetically. carry the Thief over to the plat- he reaches into his coat and pulls runs down the rest of the alley and Fade. form. out the two jewelled backscratchers disappears up a flight of steps into Cut to a close-up of the Thief’s he swiped from the Princesses’ bath the shadows. It is getting quite dark head, seen from the stocks in the chamber. Still trembling, he shakes now. foreground. He draws his head back his long sleeves over his real hands , Dissolve to: like a turtle into his coat as he and thrusts out the two tiny fork- realizes what is about to happen. like backscratcher hands where his Cut to an overhead long-shot of the hands ought to be and places them in the stocks, wiggling them for emphasis. The Guard’s scimitars rise. A drumroll builds. There is a gasp from the crowd. And - WHAP! WHAP! - down come the blades. Cut to the Thief’s head in close-up as he mouths a silent imitation howl of pain. Cut to the little amputated backscratcher fork

22 SEQ. 4.3. asleep on the world globe and ZigZag: of the stick, ZigZag gestures at the Long shot of the Golden City at ZigZag is agitatedly pacing in his MEN ARE FOOLS WHO maps and at the silver panorama dusk surrounded by its glittering Zig-Zagging walk, up and down WALK IN DREAMS below his window. river. The evening Iight dissolves the room. Grey-greens, purples and Cut to vulture sitting on the hour ZigZag: slowly through to the silvery blacks, candle light and shadows glass, seemingly passing a thin 42. turquoise of the noon of night. flickering. stream of sand. CONTROL! ,CONTROL THE Suddenly, an inky black diagonal ZigZag: ZigZag: GOLDEN LAND! shadow crosses the rooftops. The SLEEP. . . SLEEP. . . SLEEP THEY SLEEP THEIR LIVES AND ALL ITS GOLDEN camera comes round to see what is THEY SLEEP. . . THEY AWAY. BUT I, ZIGZAG, WILL WEALTH! the cause of this and we see a tall SLEEP. . . THEY’RE ALL REIGN SUPREME! I RULE IT WITH AN UNSEEN minaret with a winged vulture-Iike ASLEEP! BUT I AM QUITE HAND ZigZag: shape for its crown. The shadow is AWAKE! EH, PHIDO? BY CLEVERNESS AND Phido is asleep again. caused by the moon which is now FOR THEY ARE EASY STEALTH. EH, PH 100 ? behind the vulture-shaped turret. 41. PREY. . . EH, PHIDO? He has absently finished a broad As we go closer, towards a gaping Cut to tne Vulture, snoring on ZigZag fingers the back of gesture and the half-asleep vulture mouth with stairs up the inside into the globe, on which is inscribed perched on the stick is poised over a what would be the gullet, the eyes Phido’s neck. Phido jumps awake “The Known World”. in panic, then realises ZigZag is large candle flame. His tailfeathers of the vulture light up. They are burst into flames. two windows and the light streams ZigZag: stroking him, and he “purrs” up I RISE ABOVE THE HUMAN toward ZigZag. When when Phido: out like searchlights into the night HEAP. SQUA-A-A-A-A-A-A-WK ! as the camera goes closer inside the ZigZag turns away, Phido hisses at mouth, up through the gullet, and He gestures out the balcony him. Phido leaps into the air, his arse up a winding staircase as the light towards the moonlit city below. ZigZag flicks out his self-ejecting blazing and, flapping his huge gets brighter and we arrive in ZigZag: pointer and uses it as a sceptre. wings, wildly runs along a couple of Zigzag’s plotting room. Lit by THE WORLD IS MINE TO ZigZag: benches over to a large black ink- candles and wall torches, ZigZag’s TAKE! THE KING HIMSELF SLEEPS pot and dips his burning end deep lair is an alchemist’s laboratory. The Leaning over the globe, ZigZag ALL THE TIME. . . A LOST, into the ink. Rising steam. walls are covered with maps, the gives it a violent spin and the UNCONSCIOUS SOUL TOO Hisssssss. A big sigh of relief from tables and corners full of alchemical dozing vulture off into the wall, STUPID TO SUSPECT THAT Phido. ZigZag races across to the equipment, flasks and beakers, old SPLAT! Recovering himself, he I’M suffering bird. books, scientific and astrological flaps dizzily back land lands on an (points to himself) THE ONE ZigZag: and occult paraphernalia, astrolabes, hour-glass. WHO’S IN CONTROL. BUT THIS IGNOBLE WAY OF LIFE IS JUST A PASSING astronomy charts. Perched on a ZigZag: On “CONTROL” he presses a stand-up globe is ZigZag’s familiar, EH, PHIDO? button on his stick and, Flick! It THING. his pet vulture, Phido. Phido has Phido nods in agreement, then extends to twice the length. He Pluck! I ZigZag pulls a quill quick and delinquent gestures and sticks out his tongue in a silent hiss brandishes it in front of the vulture. feather from Phido’s tail, already though skinny and haggard he has when ZigZag has turned his back. Phido, trained to jump on the conveniently dipped in ink. . . and the swollen stomach of the starving. pointer, sighs, rolls his eyes to steps forward to the wall. He does not speak but exhales heaven and wearily jumps aboard. bursts of air. At present, Phido is Then, with the vulture on the end 23 ZigZag: ZigZag: SEQ. 5. left for an instant and he stiffens in FOR I INTEND TO TAKE AS FOR YOU, DEAR BIRD, A Fade in on the pre-dawn moun- terror. Cut to the door of his cell. WIFE SPECIAL TREAT: tains. The sky is crystal blue; silvery There is a small square window Cut to two full-figure paintings, FOR BREAKFAST, YOU’LL white laced clouds edged with gold hole in the door and a large yellow side by side, of Princesses MeeMee HAVE COBBLER MEAT! hover magically. The rim of the sun eyeball with a red iris is staring at and YumYum. The bird’s eyes light up and he appears over the horizon and the him. ZigZag: jumps on ZigZag’s shoulder, hissing first ray of sunlight beams across BOTH DAUGHTERS OF THE and cackling. ZigZag is also chor- the valley, a golden streak into lilac 44. KING! tling and cackling amusedly as they shadow. The camera follows the ray It blinks sideways, like a camera ZigZag scribes a huge “Z” across both leave the tower, twisting and across the top of the Golden City lens. One by one the tacks drop each Princesses’ body. . . scratch, turning, snickering and flapping, where it lights only the three golden from the Cobbler’s mouth onto the scratch, lzzt. scratch, scratch, zzt. down the spiral steps winding balls - one - two - three. The ray is stone floor. Cut to the other side of Standing back, he continues, still below. The camera follows them then beamed down, reflecting off the door where we see Phido, the gesturing with the quill. and we slowly fade to black. the balls, and we follow it, descend- vulture, staring into the Cobbler’s ing into the City where it bounces cell. He has stereo vision, and while ZigZag: AND WITH THEM AS MY off a window, angling down, one eyeball is looking directly into ROYAL BRIDES ricocheting off various reflective the cell window, Phido’s other eye I’LL RULE IN PUBLiC SIGHT. surfaces. We follow it all the way is looking up at ZigZag who is WITH BOTH PRINCESSES down to the grassy ground at the holding him. AT MY SIDE edge of the palace wall to where the ZigZag: TO FEED MY APPETITE! ray shines directly into the barred THERE’S YOUR BREAK- slit window of the Cobbler’s cell. FAST, PHIDO DEAR. ZigZag throws the quill, like a Dissolve to the interior of the IT’S TIME TO TAKE HIM OUT dart, and it sticks into the wall and Cobbler’s cell. The Cobbler is OF HERE quivers between the hips of the two asleep on the stone floor in the AND CHOP HIS HEAD OFF - pictures of the Princesses. He bursts same position as when we first saw MAKE HIM DEAD into obscene laughter. Phido, still him sleeping at the beginning of the LIKE THE LOVELY PRIN- on the ink-pot, registers definite film. He is surrounded by shoes of CESS SAID. disgust. ZigZag suddenly notices all kinds. The ray of sun terminates him. Cut to fhe Cobbler, confused, 43. on the Princess’ white and gold fingering the Princess’ slipper. He slipper which the Cobbler clutches glares at the door. Cut back to ZigZag: to his breast. He is still sewing on it ZigZag and Phido. In attendance POOR PHIDO! HOW COULD I in his sleep and has just finished FORGET? are the two guards dressed in blue stitching the shoe to his shirt, when with their scimitars, The Royal I FEAR YOU HAVEN’T the sunlight wakes him up. He sits EATEN YET. Executioners. Phido opens his beak upright and discovers the Princess’ in anticipation and we see the Phido nods and smiles, starts to slipper is stitched to his chest. Then Cobbler’s head through the win- fawn and drool and purr. he recollects his state of affairs, sighs, and sadly starts to unpick the slipper from his shirt. His eyes look 24 dow, neatly framed by Phido’s SEQ. 5.1. King Nod: SEQ.5.2. beak. Cut to various superimpositions GET ME ZIGZAG NOW! 46. ZigZag: of vultures in the canyon where the Cut to Singing Eunuch 1, framed As the four voices reverberate in YOU CAN HAVE THE HEAD One-Eyes defeated the Frontier in a doorway, calling out, beginning canon, throughout the palace, the TO START, Guard. Gliding vultures, and a [? IchiJe”] chord. The dwarf runs camera shoots down staircases, THEN THE NECK, AND flapping vultures, landing on dead from eunuch to eunuch via the round corners, through rooms, into THEN THE HEART. bodies, piles of dead bodies. As the pantlegs. passages, and ends up down in the SUCH A TASTY LITTLE various vultures land and everything Dwarf: dungeon with ZigZag and Phido. MAN, EH, is still vague, amorphous and in (bellowing) THE KING The two executioners have just MY FLYING GARBAGE CAN? soft-focus the image appears of the WANTS ZIGZAG! pulled the Cobbler out of his cell dying survivor pin-cushioned with and hold him between them. Phido ZigZag tickles Phido’s starvation- Eunuch 1: induced belly and Phido’s beak , arrows, riding, riding. There are ZIGZAG! is flapping frantically, ravenously. snaps shut, blotting out the shot of several images of him riding - far ZigZag is cackling. The echoes of away, up cIose, blending one into Eunuch 2: the four eunuchs reach them: the Cobbler. The vulture, dribbling (in another doorway) ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! slobber starts flapping his enormous the other, indicating passage of time. Things are coming in and out Eunuch 3: ZIGZAG! THE KING WANTS wings and bashing against the door ZIGZAG! so that we can see that Phido of focus, as in a dream. Also, very (in another doorway) ZIGZAG! vague, behind the riding messenger, All pleasure disappears from actually does look like a flying Eunuch 4: garbage can. Cut to the Cobbler as are the faces of the One-Eye soldiers (in another doorway) ZIGZAG! ZigZag’s face. ZigZag laughs. and then, large, the image of the ZigZag: The Cobbler spits a tack at the Mighty One-Eye but only just Eunuchs: OH door. perceptible, seen through a haze. As ( together) FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- Bang! the survivor rides and the images THE KING WANTS ZIGZAG! PHIDO! blend, the sound of the hoofbeats AFFFFFFFFFFFFF-FAIRS ZigZag: WATCH HIS TACKS, grows Iouder, building into a OF STATE! THEY’RE NOT SO YUMMY. crescendo of multiple hoofbeats. I FEAR YOUR BREAKFAST MIGHT UPSET POOR POP! Cut to the King’s head, as he WILL HAVE TO WAIT! PHIDO’S TUMMY. awakens suddenly. He sits bolt Cut to Cobbler relieved. upright, shotked awake and staring, Cut to bird frustrated. (tickle tickIe, his flap, flap. ) frozen in fright. Behind the thin stream of ZigZag: daylight in his cell, the Cobbler King Nod: (Guards) crouches in the dark, and the ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! GET ME LOCK HIM UP, PUT HIM hissing vulture keeps beating ZIGZAG! AWAY! (to Phido) his large wings against the (shouting) YOU’LL EAT HIM LATER ON door. The King’s ancient manservant TODAY! eunuch bangs his mighty hands The guards push the Cobbler 45. together, and it echoes like a thun- back into the cell and lock the door. derclap. The eunuchs’ singing continues: ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! 25 ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! THE KING SEQ. 5. 3A. SEQ. 5. 38. King Nod: WANTS ZIGZAG NOW! Dissolve to the Thief coming Eunuchs and Dwarf: I’VE HAD A DREAM! A ZigZag: towards us, sneaking through a ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! ZIGZAG! NIGHTMARE! NO! A - A - A (failing to cover his irritation, shadowy alley. We hear the Eunuchs ZIGZAG! VISION! A VISION OF INVA- shouts: chanting in the distance. He comes THE KING WANTS ZIGZAG SION! COMING,YOUR MAJESTY! out of the shadows into the early NOW! ZigZag: COMING! morning sunlight. He suddenly King Nod: NOW, EXCELLENT MAJ- COMING! freezes, transfixed, staring up into O DAY OF DEATH! O DAWN ESTY! RULER SUPREME! Phido, on ZigZag’s arm, recoils at the sky. Cut to the Thief’s P.O.V. OF DISASTER! O MORN OF I CAN SAFELY ASSURE the shout. In the morning sun. Cut to the CALAMITY! YOU A DREAM’S JUST A ZigZag Thief’s head in close-up. See in his OH! DREAM. . . 47. eyes, the three gold balls panning OH! through - one - two - three. King Nod: impatiently sets the vulture on The three golden balls, shin- OH! I SAW IT, I TELL YOU! I the edge of a brazier full of glowing ing. KNOW IT’S TRUE! AN IN- coals, and Phido ‘again burns his 48. VADING HORDE OF ONE- arse - this time on a branding iron As he lifts his head, we cut to mid-shot of the Thief as he works ZigZag: EYED MEN! AN ENTIRE in the brazier. Squaaawk! (more (entering) RACE OF ONE-EYED MEN, flapping, hissing and hopping). his way backwards, back into the shadows of the alley. Cut to King O GREAT KING NOD HAVE AND DEATH! DEATH EV- ZigZag: Nod. Bolt upright, wringing his NO FEAR! ERYWHERE! ZIGZAG YOUR GRAND ZIGZAG, YOUR GRAND VIZIER IS COMING! (sotto hands, his face wreathed in anguish. ZigZag: The eunuchs are still calling for VIZIER CALM DOWN, YOUR HIGH- voce) IS HERE! WHO DOES HE THINK I AM? ZigZag. NESS! INVADERS? HIS MOTHER? King Nod: ONE-EYED? IF IT ISN’T ONE THING, IT’S DEATH AND DESTRUCTION BUT THIS IS AGAINST ANOTHER! ZIGZAG! MY KINGDOM WILL WHAT HAS BEEN PROPH- COME TO DESTRUCTION ESIED! ZigZag stamps away from us, AND DEATH! FOR HAS IT NOT BEEN down the corridor. WRITTEN WE ARE SAFE ZigZag: BE CALM, SERENE HIGH- FROM ANY THREAT NESS! AS LONG AS THOSE YOU MUST CATCH YOUR (gesturing out the window) BREATH! THREE GOLDEN BALLS WHAT DAWN OF DISAS- ARE ON THE MINARET? TER? WHY SPEAK YOU OF DEATH?

26 SEQ. 5.3C. SEQ. 5.3D. SEQ. 5.3E. SEQ. 5.3F . 49. Cut to the faces of the King and Cut to the Thief with his vaulting Cut to the King, starting awake. King’s and ZigZag’s point of view ZigZag at either end of the scope pole, pacing backwards for his next He leaps up, takes four or five the camera zooms the three gold screen, both intense and staring. attempt.We see him in a long shot. hysterical paces forward, and yells: balls, up close. We hear the sound King Nod: The sunlight has begun to move from out the window of flies BUT, BUT, BUT. . . down the minaret, although it is King Nod: buzzing. Cut to the Thief’s head, still very early in the morning and O TIME OF MISFORTUNE! ZigZag: with its halo of flies. The camera BUT HAS IT NOT BEEN the Thief and the courtyard are still O DAY OF DISASTER! pulls back and we see the Thief is FORETOLD in shadow. He takes aim, runs, O EVIL, EVIL HOUR! holding a long vaulting pole. He faster, faster, - the pole goes down, BY THE SAGES IN DAYS OF ZigZag: paces backwards. He is in the main OLD the Thief goes up, and vaults OUR SAFETY’S ENSURED palace courtyard and everything is THAT AS LONG AS THEY gracefully up to the minaret. Two FOR THE BALLS HAVE in lilac shadow, except for the STAY things ENDURED gleaming balls atop the minaret. (gesturing out the window) 50. THROUGH A THOUSAND The Thief takes careful aim, and AND AREN’T TAKEN AWAY AND ONE, OR MORE, AGES. begins his approach, gaining speed WE’RE AS SAFE AS OUR are wrong. His pole takes him as he runs. Faster and faster, he nears BALLS OF GOLD? only halfway up, and he hasn’t got THEY’RE QUITE SAFE UP the base of the minaret, goes past it YES, enough impetus for his feet to quite THERE, and runs straight into a wall, BUT...... touch the minaret. His toes, like SO DO NOT DESPAI R, pronging himself right in the . . . . fingers, grab desperately - and REMEMBER THE WORDS stomach with the pole. silently ...... futilely - and he falls back, out of OF THE SAGES! wheezing and gasping, he hops frame, out of luck. around in terrible pain. The King’s head falls on his chest The King, still standing, surren- and he is asleep. ders: King Nod: YES. . . WELL. . . THEN. . . The King nods off again, standing up.

27 SEQ. 5.3G. SEQ. 5.3H . SEQ. 5.3I. SEQ. 5.3J . Cut to the Thief. Here he comes Cut to the King, snapping awake, Cut to the Thief and flies. He is Cut to the King, gazing at the again. He takes aim, and runs. He’s still standing. He begins to run more determined than ever, and has balls in a stupor. He snaps out of it getting better all the time. Faster, forward and yells: more of a professional stance now, and mutters: faster. Down goes the pole, up goes King Nod: as he launches into this, his fourth King Nod: the Thief, and. . . SPLAT! He hits O ENDLESS, ENDLESS attempt. He runs. Faster, faster. The DEATH AND DESTRUC- the minaret half-way up, and slowly EVILS! O WHAT A HIDEOUS pole goes down. He goes up. And TION, ZIGZAG! sinks out of sight. CALAMITY APPROACHES! head first, his nose, almost touches (his voice building up to a bel- the wall of the minaret. Of course, low) 51. he’s still only halfway up, but he THE PROPHECY SAYS IF desperately tries to touch the THE BALLS ARE EVER King Nod: I FEEL IT! I KNOW IT! minaret, balanced rigidly on the TAKEN AWAY THE CITY upright pole. There is a SPRONG, WILL FALL TO DESTRUC- ZigZag: the pole vibrates like a tuning fork, TION AND DEATH! NO, IT COULD NEVER BE, O and he rotates in a spiral down the (really screaming) INFALLIBLE MAJESTY! pole toward the ground. Again. WHAT IF THE BALLS ARE WHILE THE BALLS ARE IN TAKEN AWAY!!! PLACE WE CANNOT FALL FROM ZigZag: GRACE. (shouting as loud at first as the JUST LOOK OUT OF THE King his voice decrescendoing WINDOW AND SEE! down to a calming reasoning level) The King, addled, looks out the window, and we move in on the balls.

28 SEQ. 5. 3K . like a circus trapeze artist, he SEQ. 5.3L. (as the King shouts all this, he is 52. ricochets off various awnings, past Cut to the King and ZigZag. The crashing into ZigZag, who is trying A WAY HAS NEVER BEEN shuttered windows towards the King is asleep, standing up. ZigZag to calm the King down and getting FOUND TO TAK E THEM ground. He grabs through clothes- gently leads him back toward his mauled in the process. ) AWAY. . . lines, temporarily augmenting his throne. soothingly and patroniz- ZigZag: WHAT FREAK OF NATURE costume in mid-flight with random ingly: (being battered) COULD EVER GET articles of clothing, underwear, etc. ZigZag: SERENE HIGHNESS! CALM UP TO THE TOP OF THAT Finally he reaches a long awning He whispers THY FEAR! SUCH THINGS MINARET? which smooths his fall and glides THERE’S A GOOD KING. NO COULD NEVER HAPPEN WHAT FREAK OF NATURE him safely to the ground, where he REASON TO FRET. HERE! SUCH THINGS HAVE COULD THERE BE skitters dizzily across the courtyard NEVER HAPPENED! - WELL, TO STEAL THE BALLS into the shadows. 53. THEY HAVEN’T HAPPENED WHILE ALL COULD SEE? YET! CAN’T YOU SEE? THE THEY’RE UP TOO HIGH, ZigZag: THERE HASN’T BEEN A GOLDEN BALLS ARE SAFE AND IN FULL VIEW ATOP THE MINARET!!!! AND IN THE PALACE COM- PROBLEM THAT WE PLEX, TOO. COULDN’T HANDLE YET. King Nod: ZigZag, gliding the King onto a (pulling himself together, stand- dais of bolsters. ing on top of the collapsed ZigZag) On “Freak of Nature” we cut to a Tucking him in. I CANNOT BUT THINK YOU medium top shot of the Thief ARE WRONG, ZIGZAG. backing up with his pole. He backs ZigZag: out of the picture but the pole IT’S NOT TIME TO GET UP, doesn’t and it keeps on travelling TOO EARLY TO RISE, through the frame. We see in TOO EARLY TO OPEN (tip- longshot that it is of enormous toeing away) length. Just long enough this time THE KING’S SLEEPY EYES. for the Thief to be able to reach the Cut to the King’s eyes popping top of the minaret. Slowly, we open. He lets out a mighty scream, begins the approach. Very profes- and charges head-first off the dais, sional now. Faster, faster, faster - colliding head-on into ZigZag. down goes the pole, and in semi- They both splatter across the floor. slow motion, the Thief takes off in The King jumps up and runs a perfect arc, headed for the top of around the room hollering. the minaret. Just below the dome is King Nod: a small window. He goes straight GREAT TROUBLE! TER- through the window and out of the RIBLE TROUBLE! BLOOD! other side and the perfect arc FIRE! DISASTER! CATAS- continues on down. He falls into a TROPHE! CALAMITY! group of buildings, RIP - he goes through a large awning. And then, 29 SEQ. 5. 3M. SEQ.5.3N. JUST LEAVE YOUR WOR- SEQ . 5.3O. Cut to the Thief’s head with his Cut to the King and ZigZag RIES IN MY HANDS. Close up on the Three Gold Balls halo of flies. He is really deter- outside the pink palanquin in the (thrusting his head out between and we hear the flies. We pull back mined now. His robes are pulled up King’s bedroom. ZigZag has guided the curtains) to reveal the back of the Thief’s above his pants to allow for unim- him there and he is parting a curtain I JUST HAVE THIS FUNNY head and flies, seemingly on a level peded leg action, and he has devel- of the palanquin so the King can see FEELING. . . with the tip of the balls. The oped olympic style. Off he goes, in (but we can’t). The King, though A pair of purple hands with pink camera does a 180 degree craning slowly at first, increasing speed. still looking worried is becoming fingernails encircle the King’s chest turn ending up with a front view of Faster, faster. . . faster. . . down goes distracted by the contents. We hear and slowly draw him back into the the Thief on a tightrope leading the pole, and up he goes in an the husky giggle of the Maiden palanquin. from a window at the top of a impossibly graceful arc, making a from Mombassa, and her purple blue-green minaret. He is using his perfect approach to the tip of the hand reaches out and chucks the 55. vaulting pole as a balance. The wind minaret and the balls. King under the chin. As she draws is blowing and he gingerly steps him in from the front and the forward on the wire. Cut to a long 54. King’s legs awkwardly climb shot where we see the tightrope Cut to the Three Gold Balls in aboard, ZigZag, one hand on the wire stretched between the blue- close-up as the Thief passes over King’s back, guides him in. The green minaret and the old Golden them helplessly, grasping at thin air. King is a big man and it’s all very Minaret with the balls. We can see He is an inch too high. Cut to a clumsy. clearly now for the first time that top shot of the Thief as he disap- ZigZag: there are three guy wires leading pears below us into the buildings. A KING CANNOT BE AT HIS from three smaller minarets which Here he goes again, bouncing off BEST support the ancient Golden Mina- awnings, shooting across balus- UNLESS HE TAKES A ret (which is always at an angle, like trades, around corners. He goes LITTLE REST the Leaning Tower of Pisa.) The through a series of windows, the ENJOYS FOR JUST A Thief is making his way along on shutters banging open and shut. LITTLE WHILE one of the guy-wires. The wind Each time he comes out, he is A TOY. . . OR TWO. . . TO comes in short bursts and the clutching more and more potted MAKE HIM SMILE. Thief’s robe billows out. He is plants. Finally he loses the lot, ZigZag makes a terrible forced having great trouble balancing. We ricochets off another awning, and smile as the Maiden from see his feet, his toes clutching at the ends up on the same long awning as Mombassa giggles throatily from wire like fingers. His legs shake and previously. Only this time, he’s within the palanquin. The King is the wire begins to sway from side head-first, on his back gliding swallowed into the curtains. to side. Desperately, the Thief backward down to the ground. He swings back and forth, balanced shoots off the end, and runs back- ZigZag: precariously on top of the wire. wards across the courtyard and (tip-toeing away from the Finally, totally out of control, he palanquin) collapses in the shadows. ZIGZAG, YOUR VIZIER, drops the balancing pole. He runs UNDERSTANDS along the wire, slips, falls off, catches the wire with one hand and loops himself back aboard. On 30 sheer momentum, he runs the nose while he works the largest, SEQ. 5. 3P . rest of the scene is played with this length of the wire to the Golden heaviest one, off. When he gets this Cut to the palanquin. The one shot. The Thief doesn’t move, Minaret, where he slaps his arms last one off, the weight of it almost Maiden’s purple hand dangles but his robe occasionally ripples in around it and hangs on for dear life. tips him off the dome. He reorga- limply from the bottom of the the morning breeze. The King and The wind whistles around the nizes the balls and finally he is able curtain. The King awkwardly backs Zig-Zag never look out the win- immobile figure of the Thief. Pan to stand, the small and medium- out as we hear the Maiden’s throaty dow. up to the Balls above him. Looking sized balls under one arm, and the gurgling from inside. The King is King Nod: down from the Golden Balls to the large one under the other, like also chuckling. He moves, almost (shaking his head to clear his Thief, we see his fingers, ineffec- shopping bags. He stands erect in slow motion, floating slightly. thoughts) tively grabbing around the curve of against the spike, master of the King Nod: I’VE BEEN. . . UH . . . THINK- the onion dome. Slipping and situation. Very slowly, he realises he HEH-HEH, HE-HA, HO-O ING, ZIGZAG. sliding, he dares to look down. doesn’t know how to get back ZIGZAG? ARE YOU HERE, ZigZag: Cut to a vertigo shot from the down. ZIGZAG? YES? Thief’s-eye view with the palace O FONT OF WISDOM? grounds, towers and courtyards ZigZag: swimming crazily beneath him. (popping his head quietly around King Nod: Desperately, he makes his bid to get a doorway) PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO YES, 0 STALLION OF THE HAVE A TWENTY-FOUR on top of the onion dome. He GOLDEN LAND? works his hands up around the base HOUR GUARD ROUND THE YOUR FAITHFUL ZIGZAG IS MINARET? of the dome, and, defying gravity, AT HAND. slipping and sliding, he kicks his ZigZag: way around the impossible shape. The King and ZigZag approach OF COURSE, GREAT KING, Now embracing the dome, he each other. We see their heads at WHAT HARM CAN IT DO? manages to duck-walk up to the opposite ends of the scope screen. PERHAPS IT WILL BRING spike which holds the balls. He Just above their eye level in the PEACE OF MIND TO YOU. pulls himself up the balls to a middle of the screen, silhouetted King Nod: standing position at the top; the through a small window, we see the Thief with his back toward us, YES. . . BETTER TO BE balls at his side. He smiles and goes SAFE THAN SORRY. . . into a photographic pose of tri- standing frozen at the top of the umph. Golden Minaret. He is too stupid Both smile at each other in to have yet thought of a move. The satisfaction.

56. His foot slips and he only just recovers. Back to business, and he works the balls, one by one, with great difficulty, off the spike. He puts the small and middle-sized ones between his knees and crotch, and holds onto the spike with his 31 SEQ. 5.3Q . upside down with his feet around SEQ. 5.3R. SEQ. 5.3S. 57. the ball on the wire. He is covered Cut to a close-up of the Ball-less Cut back to the hanging Thief, (Here we see the Thief through by his robes from waist to head, spike on the golden dome. The two of the balls beginning to slip the window awkwardly wiggling weighted by the other two balls. By camera zooms back from the through his Iegs. Hand-over-hand, his way down to straddle the swinging back and forth upside Minaret, through the window of he clotheslines himself rapidly along dome.) down, he works up enough mo- the King’s chamber. The King the wire to Ithe blue-green minaret Cut to the Thief, his back flat- mentum to swing back to the top smokes a hookah. His head rolls window and swings legs and balls tened against the dome, cradling of the wire, where he temporarily lazily toward the window, eyes inside the window. two of the balls under his left arm balances on the larger ball. He fluttering, slipping into sleep. They CRASH! There is an almighty as ballast, his right hand holding on whips it into his robe’s inner lining. are shut for an instant, then pop smashing and ringing as the camera to the spike.To free his right arm With some fast contortions, he open in a double take. pans down the tower. CRASH! for grabbing, he manages to place manages to get all three balls inside King Nod: Through a window comes the the larger, heavy ball between his his robe lining. They hang, two on (shrieking) largest ball. More crashing - and knees. The large ball is so heavy, he one side aid one on the other. Now THE BALLS ARE GONE!!!! SMASH! - through another win- begins to lose his knee-grip on it. he is pinned to the wire as the dow the second ball blasts. Down Grasping the spike with his right weighted robe hangs below like a further - and SMASH! little ball hand, cradling the other two balls set of giant gonads. He makes an comes out through another win- with his left, he stretches with the attempt to stand, but the balls start dow. Pan down to the ground with escaping, heavier ball toward the to swing from side to side with a more banging and the front door wire. But that ball is too heavy for life of their own. Arcing toward us flies open as the Thief is shot out, his knees to grip and it falls. He and away from us with flat onto his face in the courtyard. flails his foot out to direct it and everincreasing velocity, the whole Cut to a long shot of the courtyard the huge ball rolls onto the wire. thing goes out of control and we and Palace complex. The three balls Still clutching the other two balls, get a travelling top-shot of the City are bounding through the air and the Thief executes a spin and slides swimming below, the Thief and landing in rhythmic chimes, one backwards onto the wire himself, balls flailing around more and more after the other. All the awakened grabbing the larger ball with his wildly. and half-dressed people are running feet. He is now lying on the wire, 58. into the courtyard: pandemonium. two balls up front on his arms, and The Thief slips off the wire, Cut to the Thief coming to, as the large ball caught in his feet. He retrieves himself with a somersault, people and the balls loudly ring. He works it underneath him and the balls fly up towards the camera exits backward as they rush by in all perches on it. But the weight of the and back down again as the Thief, directions, unnoticed. other two balls pulls him off the now hanging by his hands from the 59. wire sideways. He now hangs wire, jerks his legs in front of him to catch the three balls between his legs. . . the large one first in his feet, the middle-sized one between his knees, and the small one in his crotch.

32 SEQ. 5.4. heaven. And it faints. Its knees SEQ. 5.3T . SEQ. 6. Cut to the Main Palace Gate as it buckle under it and it sinks to the King Nod: Fade in on dark, mountainous opens with the teeth pulling apart. ground, eyes blinking. The (shrieking in a crescendo) hills. The sky is black with thunder- The Survivor rides towards us, past Survivor’s feet now touch the DEATH AND DESTRUC- clouds. Lightning flashes and us, and across the courtyard and up ground and he walks forward, TION, ZIGZAG! MY KINGDOM thunder rolls,. Up over the sound the stairs into the King’s stumbling and gasping, toward the WILL COME TO DESTRUC- of the thunder comes the cadence throneroom, with people rushing King. It’s a fair distance and the TION AND DEATH! of heavy drums and marching feet. behind. King stands frozen at one end. As As the King screams, the camera Through a cleft between the hills Cut to the Cobbler, peering out he staggers the distance, guards and pulls out above him and above the appear black-armoured soldiers through his cell, as soldiers’ feet dishevelled courtiers hurry to palace, above the City, above the marching in close rank. The camera thunder past. Cut to lhe Survivor’s attendance. In comes Princess landscape, to show a God’s-eyeview goes in and we see the One-Eyes horse coming to a stop in the Yumyum eating a large peach, on of the Golden Land, with nearby advancing like a relentless swarm of throne-room. The Survivor, semi- one side of a pillar, and through mountains covered in violent giant beetles. A race of one-eyed conscious, in the saddle. Cut to the some curlains on the other side of approaching storms. Lightning and men, purple faces, red beards, one King, rushing through the curtains the pillar her sister MeeMee comes thunder flash and rumble. eye open, one eye shut, forever into the throneroom, followed by with her Iittle hand mirror, Prince taking aim. After infantry come ZigZag. Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Bubba in tow. The survivor col- huge ramps of Leonardo da Vinci- Tickle appear at ZigZag’s side on lapses at the feet of the King, gasps like war machinery: mammoth camera left. incoherently, then with a mighty cross-bows the size of houses, ZigZag: effort, stands himself up from his colossal catapults, massive gear- (stage whisper) GET THOSE knees, vibrating. wheels, hoists, levers, pulleys, BALLS! KEEP OUT OF Survivor: complex parts of some enormous SIGHT! BRING THEM TO ME (a last gasping shout) machine of death. Everything is on LATE TON IGHT! ONE. . . EYE. . . ONE EYE. . . a nightmare scale: elephants, horses, IS . . . COMING! camels, oxen carry more material Goblet: YES MILORD! and everything advances in efficient 60. and relentless order. Disciplined and Gopher: unstoppable, they march in cadence THY WILL BE DONE! He salufes, vibrates again and expires. and the earth shakes. Medieval Slap: organs and enormous drums create YES, MASTER! a fearsome drone. We move past banners and regalia, mammoth Tickle: RIGHTO, black-draped wagons with huge AH HAHAHAHAHA! wooden wheels carrying generals and other officers. Whips snap and Exit Goblet, Gopher, Slap and crack as oxen pull these enormous Tickle. . . wagons. Finally, comes the Mighty One-Eye, seated higher than the rest The standing horse and Survivor on a human throne of interlocking, vibrate and the horse’s eyes go up to scantily-clad women. As he lurches 33 along, the Mighty One-Eye gnaws SEQ. 7.0. King Nod: The drums begin to beat and the at an enormous leg of roast fowl The Cobbler looking out of his THE MIGHTY ONE-EYE IS Army begins to parade away. As the and bellows: cell window as the feet of soldiers COMING! Army is dispersing, we see Princess Mighty One-Eye: in spurred riding boots run past. At this, very great crowd reaction. YumYum at one window and 61. Flies buzz, the Cobbler sniffs and Princess MeeMee and Prince Bubba I SHALL GNAW THE we pull back and see the Thief in a King Nod: at another window. The camera GOLDEN CITY TO THE corner beside the Cobbler’s win- 62. pans down to a small door. Goblet, BONE AND I SHALL SPIT IT dow, pressed against a wall. WE MUST DEFEND THE Gopher, Slap and Tickle are sneak- OUT! We follow the soldiers as they CITY! ing inside. He spits out a great lump of meat rush into the main courtyard, Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle and tosses the bone over the side. which is already filled with as- are tip-toeing through the edge of Then he takes a large goblet of wine sembled soldiers on horseback, the ranks of soldiers. It is obvious and as he drinks, it spills over his foot-soldiers and Generals, etc., the from their hunched positions that face. Golden City army arrayed in white they have the golden balls concealed apparel with gold trim. Their Mighty One-Eye: beneath their robes. Tickle is (continuing) MY FACE SHALL emblem is a golden sun on their hugging Slap’s arse; Slap is carrying BE BLOODY WITH THE breastplates. Banners are flying. the big ball behind his back and BLOOD OF MY VICTIMS! Armour, swords and spears gleam in Tickle is trying to cover it up. the late afternoon sunshine. The He slings the rest of the goblet of Goblet and Gopher lead, carrying palace population - attendants, the other two balls, followed in line wine over his human throne bring- stableboys, cooks, servants, etc., ing shrieks and bawdy giggles from by Slap and Tickle. They are trying look on from the archways. to appear nonchalant as they make the women. The Mighty OneEye There is muttering and buzzing tosses the goblet over the side, and their way staggering under the of distress as they look up at the weight. roaring with laughter, slaps boister- empty spire of the tallest minaret. ously at buttocks and breasts A hush falls as the King appears on King Nod: squishing up and down. Thunder the balcony backed by ZigZag. (continuing) and lightning flash and boom in BE OF GOOD FAITH! chorus to his laughter. Dissolve to: King Nod: ACCORDING TO THE AN- MY LOYAL GENERALS! MY CIENT PROPHECY THE BRAVE SOLDIERS! THE CITY MAY YET BE SAVED! THREE GOLDEN BALLS TAKE UP YOUR POSITIONS HAVE GONE! WITH MY BLESSING! The army buzzes in response. He succumbs to a coughing fit. King Nod: The Crowd cheers: (Long Shot) OUR CITY FACES INVA- Crowd: SION! LONG LIVE KING NOD! More crowd reaction. LONG LIVE THE GOLDEN CITY!

34 SEQ. 7. 1 . Goblet: Tickle drops the ball, which hits QUIET! Cut to the inside of the little Slap: the step with a dull. To stop it door through which Goblet, Tickle, Tickle, still stumbling downstairs, OOF! ringing, Gopher throws his ball to Slap and Gopher (in that order) throws his ball in the air. It flies (catching the second ball from Slap, to Tickle, then Gopher whips have just entered. The four are in toward Gopher, who already has Gopher) his robe around the ball the dark, sneaking down stone stairs two. Tickle: Goblet: in an underground passageway... Tickle: OOH. HAHAHAHAHAHA. SILENCE! Slap, Tickle and Gophet each carry AH HAHAHAHA OOH OH! AAAH! Gopher: a ball. Goblet carries none, but AAGH! ! bosses the others: Gopher: Tripping! he throws this ball, too, (seeing Tickle’s ball approach) to Slap, who reacts by throwing the Slap: Goblet: OOH OOH OOH AH AH . . . QUIET! QUIET! one has to Gopher, who throws his AAH. HA-HA-HA. OH. OOH! Slap: to Tickle. Gopher: Tickle: (still stumbling) Slap: HAHAHAHAHAHA! SH! OH OOH OH OH! OH. WHOOPS. Gopher: Slap: Goblet: SSSH! CLUMSY FOOL! QUIET! Gopher: Tickle: OH! Slap: Tickle: SSH! HAHAHAHA! (to Gopher) ME! AGH! Goblet: (to Gopher) Tickle: Tickle: Slap: OOH! CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU (to Gopher) ME! 64. IDIOT! ER. HOHOHO! Tickle: HELP! OH! Gopher: (to Gopher) ME! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA! 63. Falling again, he throws the ball DON’T BE SO BOSSY! Gopher: back to Gopher, who throws his to Goblet: (throwing both balls at once to Slap, who lhrows his to Tickle. (to Tickle) He slams the door, which bumps SILENCE! Slap as it passes him. Tickle) Gopher: AARGH HA! All four freeze, covering the balls Slap: Fumbling, ring: OOOH! OH! Tickle: DONGGGGG! with their robes. HELP! The camera goes quickly down He throws his ball in the air and who throws his ball to smother He catches the first ball and the noise. the passageway to the King’s stumbles down the stairs, bumping Executioners outside the Cobbler’s into Tickle. throws it to Slap, as Gopher catches Slap: the third ball. AAGH! OH. OOP! cell. Phido, the vulture, is. pacing Tickle: up and down in front of the door Goblet: Goblet: (stumbling downstairs) QUIET! and the Cobbler is looking out. OOH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! QUIET! Phido’s head and the Guard’s heads Gopher: Gopher: Tickle: jerk toward where the sound of the AARGH! (catching Slap’s ball) AH. HAHAHA. HA! dropping ball came from. Back to AARGH! (catching ball) Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle, 35 who wave at the Guards. Tripping Gopher: (to Goblet) SEQ. 7.2. King Nod looks up to see ZigZag on each others’ robes and nearly WHY DON’T YOU HELP? Cut to the King’s Chambers. ZigZag flourishing his hand to make three dropping the balls, they make their Goblet: pulls the drapes shut behind him as he conjurer’s balls appear. way further down the stairs to BECAUSE I’M IN CHARGE! enters, following the King. As the drapes ZigZag: another corridor, hissing catty close, the sound of the drums and the MAGICKED AWAY, MY Gopher: whispers at each other. marching army is subdued. LORD... Goblet: OH, PARDON ME! ZigZag: ZigZag shakes his head and the (to Tickle) Tickle: O, COMMANDER OF THE three balls disappear. Nod sinks to a IF YOU HAD A BRAIN YOU’D OH, DEAR. FAITHFUL! BE DANGEROUS! OH. bolster and drops his head in his O, CHIEF OF THE WORLD! hands. Tickle: AHAHAHA! King Nod: I DO AND I AM! King Nod: Slap: WELL, ZIGZAG? MAGICKED AWAY! OH, NO... HAHAHA! HAR. ZigZag: HAR! ZigZag continues his very expert 65. WELL! . . . I HAVE NEVER conjuring demonstration. As he speaks, Goblet: HEARD SUCH ELOQUENCE he disappears the balls from his right Slap: (through his teeth) AND SUCH A GREAT OVA- hand and they reappear in his left. Then Gopher: LET ALL MOUTHS CLOSE! TION! he swishes out his telescopic stick and OH, CLEVER! YOUR ARMY IS AFIRE WITH balances the three balls on the end. IDIOT WITHOUT A HEAD! YOUR WORDS OF INSPIRA- ZigZag: TION! Tickle: OH, YOU MUSTN’T LOOK SO TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE! King Nod: TRAGIC AS IF NOTHING HA HA HA! BUT THAT ARMY HAS COULD BE DONE! NEVER YET FOUGHT A I AM NOT UNSCHOOLED IN Slap: CLEVER. BATTLE! THEY’VE NEVER MAGIC AND THE DAY MAY HUH-UH. HAD TO, ZIGZAG! THE YET BE WON. . . THREE GOLDEN BALLS VERY CLEVER! King Nod: HAVE ALWAYS PRO- YOU MEAN... YOU COULD Goblet: TECTED OUR CITY! USE... MAGIC?... MINDLESS FOOLS! 66. ZigZag disappears the stick and the Gopher: (to Goblet) ZigZag: balls in a green puff of smoke which he YOU DON IT HAVE ANY HAVE NO FEAR! ZIGZAG, BALLS! has made by a rather obvious move- YOUR GRAND VIZIER IS ment of pulling dust from inside his Slap: HERE! . . . robe. ZigZag: Tickle: King Nod: VERY TRUE! YOU’RE HERE, ZIGZAG! I’LL RETIRE TO MY TOWER AHAHAHA! BUT WHERE ARE THE TO SEE WHAT CAN BE BALLS ?!? DONE... ZigZag exits backwards into the curtains. 36 SEQ. 7.3. Phido takes a step backwards and SEQ. 7.4. As he says this last line, ZigZag Cut to the Dungeon corridor. hisses again, sticking out his tongue. Cut to ZigZag’s Vulture Tower, has pressed a button on his long The two Palace Executioners flank Princess YumYum: silhouetted against the turquoise telescopic stick and it flicks into a the Cobbler’s cell door. Phido is GET THEE GONE, sky of early evening. The vulture is stilletto, which he holds under each still pacing back and forth. He WRETCHED VULTURE! flapping up toward it. As he ap- chin menacingly. Goblet, Gopher, stops, looks down at his stomach, She kicks his sore end with the proaches, the lights in the tower Slap and Tickle respond with four and we hear it gurgle and rumble. point of her slipper. Phido hisses windows go on like two eyes. desperate, toothsome grins. Phido and flaps at her, but when YumYum Phido snickers with pleasure, then his 67. 68. runs at him, he turns and runs away stomach rumbles. ZigZag produces He sighs, glancesl toward the down the corridor. She calls after circles nearer and flies into an eye a pearl necklace and snaps off four Cobbler’s cell door, and goes back him: of the vulture tower. Cut to the gold pearls, handing one to each of to pacing. inside of ZigZag’s Tower window. them. Princess YumYum: We hear the boom of a big door GET BACK TO YOUR Phido zooms in and makes a long ZigZag: slamming and the sound of running MASTER’S TOWER! running landing, flapping his broad AND NOW A REWARD FOR feet. Princess YumYum runs dain- wings backwards to brake himself. EACH AND FOR ALL.! tily down the passage towards us, Phido ... his run and takes a few He comes to a stop at the feet of more steps and stops, sulking at her. Goblet: everything a-jiggle. She is beauti- ZigZag, who is receiving the three OH COME NOW. . . fully built. She looks angry as she Princess YumYum stamps her foot. golden balls from Goblet, Gopher, runs and the audience can’t tell if it’s He turns and walks away, looking Slap and Tickle. The three balls are Gopher: YumYum or MeeMee, until we see like a miniature version of ZigZag. on a red carpet in front of him. OOH! YumYum returns to the cell door she has only one white slipper on; Phido crashes into ZigZag who Slap: the other foot is bare. The vulture window and smiles. The Cobbler’s shoots out his telescopic stick with OH, MASTER! backs away, hissing as she comes up tacks move hesitantly upwards in fly-swatter on the end, and swats OH. to the door. The Cobbler is at the response, making a smile. They gaze Phido on his sore bum. Keeping OH. window of his cell, looking out, at each other. Hold. going, Phido hisses in pain, then Tickle: but he draws back as she ap- takes up his position on the world AHAHAHA! proaches. globe. ZigZag: YumYum: ZigZag: A MAGICAL TALISMAN, (to the Cobbler) GENTLEMEN! GENTLEMEN! DON’T BE AFRAID, MY WHAT A DELIGHT! MIGHTY, THOUGH SMALL. . . BRAVE COBBLER! YOU BRING ME Goblet: I PROMISE I WILL GET YOU IMMEASUREABLE PLEA- OO! OUT OF HERE! SURE TONIGHT! Gopher: The vulture takes a little hop NO DOUBT YOU WERE AH! toward YumYum and hisses. She CAREFUL AND KEPT OUT OF SIGHT... Slap: glances around in annoyance. OH! WE’LL LET THIS BE OUR Princess YumYum:: (to Phido) LITTLE SECRET. . . ALL GET AWAY, BIRD OF EVIL! RIGHT? 37 ZigZag: Slap: Gopher: NOW THAT I HAVE TH E THEY’LL BRING YOU GOOD ROUND, YEAH, HEHEH. YEOW! MY FINGER! MY BALLS, I WILL GO SEE THE LUCK... ROUND! FINGER! HE BIT A PIECE KING! OUT OF MY FINGER! (hands pearl to Goblet) Goblet: Fade. Goblet: BALLS! Slap: OH, YOU’RE TOO KIND. Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle HAR HAR. ZigZag: giggle and congratulate each other, LOOK AT THAT THEN. ...AND BAD LUCK FORE- kissing the hem of ZigZag’s robe. HAR HAR! STALL... Gopher: Tickle: 69. OH, THANK YOU, SIRE! AHAHAHAHA! (ZigZag hands pearl to Gopher) ZigZag: Phido swallows the piece. OH, PLEASE. Gopher: Goblet: THERE, THERE! OH, THANK YOU SIRE!... Slap: AND EACH ONE IS ROUND... THANK YOU, MASTER! ZigZag: ZigZag: 70. OH, REALLY. (hands pearl to Slap) ZigZag slashes at the vulture with Slap: Tickle: his fly-swatter. Phido guiltily flaps HEHEH. OH THANK YOU! HAHAHA! back to the globe and sulks. ROUND. HAHAHA! THANK YOU! Gopher: YES. THANK YOU! OH. HEHEH. ZigZag: OH. IT’S ROUND. OH, NO. YOU BITCH! YES! OH, DON’T. ZigZag: ZigZag: Goblet: (kindly) ...LIKE A REAL GOLDEN YOUR GENEROSITY, MY POOR PHIDO! WHAT A BALL. LORD, IS SECOND ONLY TO SHAME! WE’VE FORGOT- (hands pearl to Tickle) YOUR INTELLECT. TEN HIS DINNER HE HASN’T BEEN FED! Tickle: ZigZag: GOLDEN. OH, THANK YOU. THAT MAN OH. WHAT-IS-HIS-NAME? (chuckle) AH. Cut to Phido, whose stomach is WELL, WE’LL TAKE CARE (gasps) rumbling. His beak waters as he OF THAT AFTER ONE Gopher: looks at Gopher He flies over and LITTLE THING HEH. bites Gopher’s hand. Gopher HEH. YES, ER, SO IT IS! screams:

38 SEQ. 7.5. Princess YumYum: SEQ. 7.6. ZigZag: Evening. Fade in on four eagle 71. A green puff of smoke bursts THE WORDS OF THE AN- statues on a pedestal. In the middle (kissing King Nod on the fore- through the curtains, and when the CIENTS ARE THERE IN THE is the Thief’s head. He is trying to head) air clears, ZigZag is standing there, SCROLL, look like an eagle. The flies buzz in THANK YOU, FATHER! posed like a stage magician. BUT WHO (YOU MAY ASK) IS THE SIMPLEST SOUL? the halo above his head. Then the YumYum flounces out, following ZigZag: head shoots down behind the the Four Eunuchs who march in IT IS I! ZIGZAG! YOUR CHIEF King Nod goes to the window pedestal and the Thief sneaks along step. OF STAFF! TO REMIND YOU and looks down into the city the wall, behind a guard, and he OF THE SECOND HALF OF below. looks into the Throne Room, as we THE PROPHECY OF THE King Nod: hear: GOLDEN BALLS... WHO? Princess YumYum: ZigZag pulls a scroll out of his ZigZag: FATHER... FATHER! FA- sleeve and unrolls it. I! THER, SOMEONE HAS ZigZag: IMPRISONED MY COBBLER, THE CITY CAN BE SAVED 72. AND I NEED BEFORE IT FALLS BY THE King Nod: (waving a small bare foot under SIMPLEST SOUL WITH THE his nose) SIMPLEST OF THINGS... (wheeling round) HIM! YOU?! ? Close-up of the scroll and (Up to IMPRISONED, we still ZigZag: ZigZag’s bejewelled finger pointing WHO ELSE’S EXISTENCE IS see the Thief, at MY COBBLER out the appropriate words: we cut to the Throne Room and see SIMPLER THAN MINE? Princess YumYum waving her bare ZigZag: PURE SERVICE WITHOUT “The City might be saved By ANY SELFISH DESIGN? foot.) The Simplest Soul With the King Nod: smallest and simplest of King Nod: YES, YES, MY DEAR... ANY- things.” WELL... ER THING YOU DESIRE, MY CAST OFF YOUR FEARS, 0 ZigZag: LITTLE... OH, ER UH... BRAVEST OF KINGS! THA TIS RIGHT, MAJESTY, Princess YumYum: (letting the scroll snap shut and HAVE NO FEAR! YUMYUM, FATHER. . . tossing it away) ZIGZAG, YOUR GRAND YUMYUM. MAY I HAVE THE VIZIER IS HERE! King Nod: COBBLER BACK NOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ZIG King Nod: King Nod: ZAG? BUT HOW CAN YOU SAVE YES, UH... ER... THE CITY, ZIGZAG? - (raising his voice) COURIERS! HAVE THE COBBLER RELEASED IM- MEDIATELY!

39 ZigZag: ZigZag: I COULD BREATHE MY ZigZag: OBSERVE! IPSO FACTO! THE FIRST RULE OF CON- FINAL BREATH! MY DESIRE IS SIMPLE AS A ALAKAZAM! JURATION: ZigZag sucks in his jowls, causing ROSE IS... BUT IN THIS COG ITO ERGO SUM! 73. his face to look withered and old, CASE, IT’S TWO ROSES! (electricity sparkles in the cloud) AS ABOVE and he goes into an ancient posture, From benind the first rose, a ABRACADABRA! ERGO (he gestures at the sun) all the while gasping and wheezing second rose appears, joined on the SHAZAM! THEN SO BELOW! with great difficulty. Cut to the same stem. ZigZag reaches into the (the cloud is getting bigger) ZigZag’s arms drop. From below King, obviously being taken in. Cut vision and plucks the twin roses LET THUNDER AND LIGHT- the golden “sun” orb appear a back to ZigZag, recovering. right out from thl magical display, NING middle-sized ball and a smaller ball, ZigZag: waves his hands and the clouds (He goes into a dramatic pose) both gold. The balls begin to rotate YES! I’VE KNOWN IT SINCE I disappear, and presents the roses to (green puff of smoke emerges from clockwise around the “sun” and stop STARTED the King. mid-air) when they are lined up like the I MUST RISK TH IS AWFUL ZigZag: GO BOOM! three golden balls. Then a transpar- PRICE. . . . TWIN ROSES! The cloud of smoke is now three ent onion dome fades in beneath MAGIC’S NOT FOR THE King Nod: times the size of ZigZag. Ominous the three balls. ZigZag bows to the FAINT-HEARTED, (looking at them quizzically.) thunder bursts and lightning lights King, presenting him his illusion of AND YOU, TOO, MUST SAC- TWIN ROSES. . . ? up the room, flashing from the the Three Golden Balls. Cut to the RIFICE! ZigZag: centre of the cloud. Cut to the King, greatly impressed. While the Cut to the King: King, looking on, amazed. Every- cloud circle remains, the onion (almost whispering) King Nod: TWIN PRINCESSES! thing darkens into mysterious dome and three golden balls fade ANYTHING, ZIGZAG! colours. The cloud parts into the slowly pway. The King, who has been staring at JUST DO IT! the roses, jerks his head up in shape of a ring. The centre is a deep ZigZag: velvet blue. A silver dove flies AS YOU SEE, I CAN RE- Cut to ZigZag, very grave and disbelief. There is a strained silence dignified. which ZigZag attempts to fill with around the inner edge, a kind of STORE YOU AS MY PERIL WILl.- BE DIRE philosophy. mystic fire following it. Dove and THE GOLD BALLS, THOUGH YOU MUST GRANT MY ZigZag: fire disappear and a sun materializes THEY BE LOST. HEART’S DESIRE. . . in the centre of the ring. It enlarges BUT TO CONJURE THEM FATE SO SELDOM EVER Cut to the King. and is brilliant and golden. Re- BEFORE YOU BLESSES flected in the golden sun, ZigZag COULD BE AT MY GREAT King Nod: ANY MAN WITH TWO PRIN- bows to the King. COST. . . 74. CESSES WHICH IS? ZigZag: FOR WHOEVER PLAYS . . . (smiles encouragingly) FOR YOUR WEALTH OF WITH MAGIC Cut to ZigZag as he begins to King Nod, reddening as he INFORMATION HASTENS HIS APPROACH conjure again. A circular rainbow realizes what ZigZag is asking, IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO TO DEATH. forms and in the ‘centre a beautiful shakes with rage. KNOW. . . HE RESULTS COULD BE red rose materializes as he speaks: King Nod: Cut to the King, agog. MOST TRAGIC YOU WANT MY DAUGH- Cut back to ZigZag. TERS?

40 Close up on ZigZag, nodding as if to SEQ. 7.7. King Nod: (v.o.) WHO DWELLS AT THE TOP (waking) YES, YES, IMPOR- OF THE DESERT MOUN- congratulate the King for his great ZigZag: power of comprehension and gazing YOU DON’T NEED ME! TANT... VERY IMPORTANT... TAIN... with delight at the roses, frozen in the I DON’T NEED YOU! OH! ER YES! YES!... VERY The King’s voice continues over King’s outstretched fist. WE’LL SEE WHO ENDS UP IMPORTANT... A MATTER OF as we cut to the Thief, edging his Cut to a close-up of the bright red GRIEVING LIFE... LIFE AND DEATH... way, back flat against the wall. He King, trembling violently, about to JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT YES, YES... turns a corner and, back still against explode. THE ONE-EYES DO . . . (clears throat). the wall, edges away from camera Medium shot of the King and I’M TAKING MY BALLS AND Cut to the King. and closer to the curtaining of the ZigZag as the King rises to his full LEAVING! Princess YumYum, Princess Throne Room. height. Fade in on the Thief’s head, MeeMee and Prince King Nod: (v.o.) King Nod: coming up from behind a potted YOU MUST GO TO THE 76. ( shouting) palm. We can hear the King speak- DESERT MOUNTAIN AND NEVER! ing in the distance. The Thief looks Bubba are standing before him SEEK OUT THIS WITCH ZigZag: to see that the coast is clear, then with the four Eunuchs lined up PERHAPS SHE CAN TELL behind him. The Ancient Manser- US HOW THE CITY CAN BE (in a small voice) sneaks along a corridor toward the NEVER? sound of voices. vant, always in attendance, stands SAVED. behind the King. King Nod: Princess YumYum: (v.o.) King Nod: Princess MeeMee: NEVER!... EVER! FATHER FATHER, WAKEN! MY DAUGHTERS. . . OUR CAN SHE LIFT EVI L WE’RE HERE, FATHER! CITY IS IN GRAVE DANGER. CURSES? ZigZag: 75. King Nod: (v.o.) His eyes glaze over. King Nod: (v.o.) ER. . .UM. . .AH? I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. . . (beginning to back away) Then his head jerks up. King Nod: OH, WELL... Princess YumYum: (v.o.) (drifting into slumber) I JUST THOUGHT I’D ASK... IT’S YUMYUM, FATHER! There is a long pause. Princess MeeMee: THE THREE GOLDEN PERHAPS SHE WILL King Nod: Princess MeeMee: (v.o.) BALLS HAVE BEEN AND MEEMEE, FATHER! CHANGE BUBBA BACK Close-uplof the King, furious, MAGICKED AWAY... INTO THE HANDSOME still shouting. King Nod: (v.o.) AND WE FACE DESTRUC- OUT! GET OUT! PRINCE I KNOW HE MUST ER... AH... OH... UM... TION... AND DEATH... BE! The King’s Ancient Manservant This time, the King really falls Princess YumYum: (v.o.) Prince Bubba: steps forward menacingly. ZigZag FATHER asleep and his daughters move exits obsequiously through the SHE WILL? - YOU CALLED US HERE TO closer to him. MeeMee kneels at his SHE WILL? curtaining. Cut to the other side of TELL US SOMETHING... side. YumYum, on his other side, the curtains as ZigZag in a fit of puts an arm around his shoulders. Pause. No-one answers. controlled fury, stamps away from Princess MeeMee: (v.o.) (continuing) YOU SAI D IT WAS IMPOR- King Nod wakes up. the Throne Room curtaining King Nod: SAY SHE WILL! TANT... toward us & away down a circular WE HAVE ONE CHANCE... Princess MeeMee: staircase, muttering through his I AM TOLD THERE IS A MAD YES, SHE WILL, SHE WILL! teeth: AND HOLY OLD WITCH 77. 41 King Nod: Cut to the Thief. We hear the PALACE MOAT. THERE, A SEQ. 7.8. (snapping awake) King, voice over, as we see the BOAT WILL BE WAITING TO Fade in on the Cobbler’s face, AH... AH... ANYTHING IS Thief’s head peering around a TAKE YOU UP THE RIVER peering around the edge of an POSSIBLE. curtain, flies buzzing. UNTIL YOU ARE WELL outside door of the Palace wall. It is CLEAR OF THE CITY. . . Princess YumYum: King Nod: midnight. He tiptoes out of the OH FATHER... SHOULD WE ( continuing voice over) King Nod: door, looks both ways, then turns LEAVE YOU IN THIS TIME ... IS A GOLDEN IDOL WITH A The King’s eyes begin to glaze and motions toward the door. OF TROUBLE? PRICELESS RUBY SET IN over as his speech slows down. Silently, the four Eunuchs tiptoe Cut to two pillars, as the King’s ITS FOREHEAD. (continuing) out into the moonlight, carrying a voice is heard over. Thief shoots At the King’s mention of PRICE- THEN, YOU MUST CROSS large white and gold palanquin. We from behind one to behind the LESS RUBY, there is a ripple effect THE GREAT... DESERT... GO see the faces of the two princesses other. in the Thief’s eyes and they turn NOW and Bubba, peeking out from into rubies. In each eye, there (snore) within the curtains. As the King Nod: palanquin is carried, following the (voice over) appears the forehead and eyes of a Cut to a close-up of Princess THERE IS NO BETTER WAY golden idol. Cut back to the King. MeeMee: Cobbler, we see that we are at the moat below the Palace drawbridge. YOU CAN SERVE ME, MY King Nod: Princess MeeMee: DAUGHTERS. HAD I A SON, I AM TOLD THAT WHEN THE BUT WE HAVE NEVER A beautiful, smallish oriental I WOULD SEND HIM ON TH DESERT SUN IS DIRECTLY BEEN OUTSIDE THE PAL- gondola is tied up, waiting, loaded IS PERILOUS JOURNEY. OVERHEAD, THE REFLEC- ACE... WHO WI LL LEAD US? with supplies and a camel, which stands intrigued by what’s coming Cut to YumYum. TION OF THE RUBY FALLS Cut to the King, asleep. Cut to UPON A HIDDEN DOOR TO aboard: the palanquin, Eunuchs, Princess YumYum: Princess YumYum. A PATH UP THE MOUNTAIN. Cobbler, etc. Cut to Zigzag by an I’M NOT AFRAID! Princess YumYum: iron grating. He mounts a black DON’T WORRY. Princess MeeMee: 78. horse and gives Phido’s leash a jerk. NOR I! I KNOW ONE WHO CAN! Phido lands on the horse’s rump. Cut to a side shot of the Thief Fade. The Prince Bubba: behind his pillar listening. There is a I AM . . . mirror beside him and he just now 79. Princess YumYum: looks to his reflection, which he horse, feeling the talons of the HOW Will WE KNOW THIS sees for the first time ever. He vulture, jerks its head up and PLACE? shoots back in terror. Cut back to whinnies loudly in shock. There is King Nod King Nod: the crack of a riding crop and the AT THE FOOT OF THE King Nod: thunder of hooves. Cut to the DESERT MOUNTAIN. . . MAKE HASTE! THE COURI- Cobbler at the back of the gondola, ERS WILL SHOW YOU THE leaning on a pole, about to set off SECRET PASSAGE TO THE with the drawbridge above. We can see above and below the drawbridge at once. In silhouette we see the horse, ZigZag and Phido, gallop loudly across the drawbridge. The 42 cobbler, four Eunuchs, the Prince SEQ. 8.0. ing rope. Looking around again to sponge, lands flat on the dock. The and the two Princesses all stare up Fade in 1- sunrise - gold on gold. see that no-one is looking, he lifts Camel, still backing up, steps back in surprise at the black shape of The sail on the gondola billows in the anchor and gingerly makes his onto the dock where he walks all horse and riders disappearing into the morning breeze as the boat way out onto the mooring rope, over the Thief, just missing his the darkness. lands at a small dock. The great which is stretched taut. Two or body but squooshing the sopping Prince Bubba: Golden Desert spreads before them. three 8 steps along, he disappears wet robe. Then the Camel walks WHAT WAS THAT? The Cobbler leads the Camel down with the anchor into the water. forward again and the Thief, like The Thief suddenly darts from the gang-plank and the four Eu- Splash! Bubba’s head pops out of some sort of sea animal, slithers the shadows and races along the nuchs bear the palanquin behind. the palanquin curtains. backwards, unseen, over the edge of mooring rope, instead of the Once ashore, the palanquin is set Prince Bubba: the dock, into the water. gangplank, almost to the gondola, down and both princesses and WHAT WAS THAT?! MeeMee pokes her head out of and falls SPLASH! Bubba The others all look around and the palanquin draperies and says 80. angrily to the Cobbler: Prince Bubba: see nothing. The Camel sees Prince WHAT WAS THAT?! look out. Bubba again, and they stare at each Princess MeeMee: Prince Bubba: other. The Camel begins to laugh, INCOMPETENT FOOL! Everybody looks around, but by I’M HOT! WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG? the time the Cobbler looks back at expelling air - wheezing and heav- the palanquin, MeeMee has disap- Princess MeeMee: ing. The Cobbler, with enormous Prince Bubba: peared inside the curtaining, so that THERE... THERE... difficulty, works the Camel’s back (poking his head out, too) he sees only YumYum smiling at The camel turns around and, legs up. Cut to the Thief, under YETH! LETH GO! him. Zoom slowly back to see the seeing Prince Bubba for the first water. The anchor is standing The Cobbler turns around, sees beautiful panorama of the City in time, starts to wheeze and snicker upright and the Thief’s head, with MeeMee glaring at him, and, the moonlight. Shadows of black and he collapses onto his knees. his cheeks full of air, is stuck mistaking her for YumYum, is clouds lend a slightly sinister Bubba and MeeMee disappear into through the rope hole at the top of shocked and hurt. The Camel turns appearance. The Cobbler’s boat the curtaining and the Cobbler the anchor, his body kicking and around, sees Prince Bubba a third pulls into full view on the river, turns around to see just YumYum struggling, floating horizontally. He time, and breaks up laughing. As he crescent moon and stars reflecting smiling at him. The Cobbler and hangs on to the anchor with his starts to collapse, the Cobbler in the water. And in the black, the Eunuchs load the Camel with hands, unwilling to let go of his dashes around, shoring up the shadowy part of the City streets, provisions from the gondola. prize. For a moment, all is sus- Camel’s legs. MeeMee and the going at right angles to the river, is Cut to a porthole of the gondola pended as he tries to think what to Prince withdraw into the curtains. ZigZag’s frantically galloping trio - deck cabin. The Thief peers out, do next. Cut back to the Cobbler, The Eunuchs lift the palanquin, the ZigZag, Phido, and horse. sees an anchor standing on the deck. now pushing the front end of the Cobbler leads the Camel, and the Dissolve to a top shot of the He squeezes himself through the Camel. The Camel begins to go party sets off. The Thief behind a entire terrain, the Golden City porthole onto the deck, and, careful backwards. Cut back to the Thief, mooring pole squeezes the water below in the left-hand corner, the to see that no-one is looking, gets still under water. He can no longer from his robes. We slowly truck tiny boat making its way up a river the anchor inside his coat and hold his breath, and lets the air out out, showing the tiny caravan of his cheeks and shoots up, like a winding into the desert, and ZigZag sneaks forward. The curve of the 81. moving into the enormous desert riding into the mountains. The anchor base make him rock forward before them. The camera then music rises and we slowly fade. and backward as he goes along, and bullet, up to the surface. travels ahead of them into the vast he’s brought to a stop at the moor- Cut to the dock as the Thief emptiness. bursts out of the water and, like a 43 SEQ. 8.1. all the other Brigands have strong We pull back from the Chieftain Brigand Four: Dissolvelto a tiny spot in the Irish accents. He is drawing maps in and Goolie to take in more, and WONDERFUL, POWERFUL middle of the empty desert. The the sand, sifting it through his eventually all, of the forty Brigands. MAN. camera moves in to a colony of fingers, muttering , to himself. Brigand One: Brigand Eight: tattered Brigands. They have Goalie, a smaller Brigand, shares his IT USED TO BE DIFFERENT. GORGEOUS MAN. mocked-up clotheslines made of lament: Brigands join in, muttering and Brigand Two: old bones and string and bits of Roofless: coughing. DEAR, LOVELY MAN. burlap sacking for an attempt at AY. AY. TIMES HAS Brigand Two: Brigand Four: shade. There is a central tree made CHANGED, GOOLIE. GOD BE WITH THE OLD DAYS. of vulture bones. Forty brigands DID YOU EVER SEE THE sit, hopelessly, stultified, bored. Goolie: Brigand Three: LIKE? AH, AND INDEED, AND THE OLD DAYS WERE THE Everythilg is in sepia, except for the THEY HAVE, CHIEFTAIN. Brigand Nine: white bones and the white desert; BEST DAYS. THERE WASN IT A BETTER the sun has bleached all colour out Roofless: Brigand Four: MAN UNDER THE SUN. of them. They are terrible looking MM. AYE. NOTHING LASTS. 83. LONG AGO IT WAS ALL and monstrous, but hopelessly We move back to the bone- DIFFERENT. Brigand One: chicken-hearted. They have NOTHING. building Brigand, who has quite a hoofhands, peg-legs, ears stitched Goolie: high pile by now. He puts up the on backwards, dents in heads, eyes AND INDEED AND IT WAS. Brigand Five: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT final bone, which just balances, and missing, pulls back in satisfaction, as we hear 82. Roofless: CARAVAN FROM THINGS IS NOT WHAT THEY BALTHUSA? a distant voice shouting. On the teeth missing, scars. They are USED TO BE, YOU KNOW. horizon beyond him a tiny speck heavily muscled and covered in Brigand Six: appears. This is done as a simula- dust. What clothing they have is Goolie: OCH, AYE, AND INDEED NO. tion of a telephoto lens shot - the made of remnants of bygone days: AND I DO. figure is running frantically forward half a boot, a third of a hat, a piece OH NO. NO THEY IRE NOT. Brigand Three: but seemingly getting nowhere. The of a sock - all stitched together in a I REMEMBER IT WELL, running figure emerges as Sgt futile attempt. Roofless: WHEN WE STARTED OFF Hook, his voice becoming more Cut to a Brigand lying on his MM. TOGETHER. audible as he gets closer. stomach, amusing himself by THAT IS FOR SURE. Sgt Hook: building up a pile of bones, like a Brigand Four: Goolie: THE FORTY OF US. BRIG- THERE’S A CARAVAN COM- house of cards, and humming to THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. ING! HERE COMES A CARA- himself the tune of “Danny Boy”. ANDS. Roofless: VAN! THERE’S A CARAVAN This pathetic drone is the music Brigand Two: COMING! A C... A CA CARA- which underpins the early part of AH, IT WAS... IT WAS DIF- FORTY FINE TERRIBLE FERENT THEN. VAN! A C... CARAVAN IS the sequence. We pull back from FORTY FINE LADS. COMING! ... A him to reveal Chief Roofless, the Goolie: Brigand Seven: largest of the Brigands, with a AH, IT WAS. He is right up close to the lens INDEED, AYE. AND ALI BABA, now. We see that his hook is on his slightly aristocratic beard and LORD REST HIS SOUL. moustache. He has a Welsh accent; foot, not in his hand. He wheels 44 right, knocking over the delicate Roofless: (embarrassed) Roofless: tower of bones, and slides, as if A CARAVAN?” I REMEMBER ONE NOW. MAY I REMIND YOU, coming in to home plate, into the A CARAVAN!!! SHE HAD... GENTLEMEN, THAT WHEN IN DOUBT... main group of Brigands. Brigands: Brigand Five: Sgt Hook: WE’RE RICH!!! SHE HAD? Chief Roofless reaches into an old HERE COMES A CAR-A- gunny sack and pulls out a huge They begin leaping about, shout- Brigand Two: VAN!!! ing AW, SHE DID AND ALL, I dusty book. Scorpions, spiders and desert bugs scatter from inside the He catches his foot-hook around Brigand Nine: TELL YA. the central bone-tree and spins FURS! sack and the other brigands stare in around it. It collapses. A vulture’s Brigand Twelve: religious awe, as if the Holy Grail Brigand Three: SILK! has been produced. Several fall to skull lands on Hook’s head, cover- JEWELS! ing his face. He sits, stunned for a Brigands leap about yelling, their knees, heads bowed in respect. moment. Brigand Two: SILK!.. SILK!, then gradually quiet Roofless: HORSES! to post-orgy exhaustion. Brigand One: (continuing) CONSULT... I DON’T BELIEVE IT! Brigand One: Brigand Two: HORSES! I’M EXHAUSTED. (dusts off the book) Brigand Two: THE BRIGANDS’ HAND- Brigand Four: AH, WILL YOU STOP GOING Brigand Five: BOOK! ON? HORSES! ALL RIGHT, THEN. BUT WHAT DO WE DO Goolie: Brigand Eight: Brigand Ten: NOW? THE BRIGANDS’ HAND- CLEAR OFF! FOOD! Group shot as other Brigands BOOK. Brigand Eleven: begin to wonder the same thing. DRINK! Brigands: Brigand Four: Brigand Thirteen: AAAAH! 84. I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER Brigand Twelve: Brigand Three: WHAT D‘YOU TAKE US DRINK! ASK! FOR? THE BOOK! Brigand Five: Brigands continue laughing and Brigand Two: Brigand Two: A-A-AND WOMEN! 85. THE BOOK! jeering. AH, HE’S RIGHT. Brigand Ten: WOMEN! WHAT DO WE DO NOW? Brigand Ten: Sgt Hook: THE BOOOOOK! IT IS! Brigands laugh and cheer, some Sgt Hook, who now has removed breaking into bawdy laughter, the vulture’s skull from his head, Brigand Four: IT IS! ’TIS THE BOOK! IT IS A CARAVAN! others going into a dream. grabs the Chieftain’s beard. Brigand Seven: Sgt Hook: Brigand Fourteen: Roofless: HAR A HAR HAR SNORT CHIEFTAIN. IS THAT THE BOOK ITSELF? A CARAVAN? WHAT IT IS IT THAT WE DO ARC... Brigand One: Brigands mutter NOW, THEN? ’TIS THE BOOK. . . OF A CARA VAN? Brigand Eight: OH WORDS!

45 Brigand Four: Brigands push forward to see, Goolie: Brigand Two: AH ’TIS, ’TIS! making expectant noises. WHERE IS A ROCK? KEEP YOUR ARSE DOWN! KEEP IT DOWN! Sgt Hook: Sgt Hook: Brigand Ten: QUIET! SSH! THERE IT IS OVER THERE! The shh’shing gradually subsides YOU FOOLS! SSH! as the camera pulls back into a long Goolie: HE’S GOIN’ TA READ. QUIET, YOU FOOLS! A ROCK! shot, showing the tiny rock with the mass of bodies far below in the Brigands: Brigand Fourteen: AND ISN’T IT LOOKING AAAA H ! AH, HE’S GOIN’, HE’S GOIN’ WELL? vast desert, then pans a long way TA READ AGAIN! left, ending up on the Cobbler’s All go into a respectful silence as All the Brigands look at the same party, , moving towards the Brig- the Chieftain opens the book. Flies, Roofless: spot, off, and the camera zooms ands. gnats and various bugs jump out. THE... BRIGANDS... PO... PO- over to an isolated, small, As he fishes through the pages, he SI-SHEE-ON BEHIND... A technicolour, Persian rock - the only grabs a skinny tattered snake living ROCK! colourful thing in this sequence so within the book and uses it as a far. Goolie: ‘bookmark’ to find his line. The ...WILL TAKE UP... POSI- Roofless: snake, too, is fascinated by the TION... RIGHT THEN! words. A ROCK? TAKE UP YOUR POSITIONS! Roofless: There is a terrible stampede, A... ER... AMBUSH! Brigand Ten: A ROCK! stumbling and falling, as all the Brigands: Brigands steam off, cheering, AMBUSH. Brigands all look around for a towards the rock. Cut to an ex- rock. AMBUSH. treme close-up of the technicolour Brigand Four: rock and the camera , pulls back, Roofless: WHERE IS A ROCK? revealing the forty Brigands with (reading) B... B... BURGLARY! Brigand Eight: their heads behind the rock like WHERE? ostriches, their bodies fully revealed, Brigands: spilling and sticking out all over the Brigand Eleven: (reading) WHERE’S THE ROCK? place. The snake wriggles along the BURGLARY. . . ground and joins the pile. Brigand Six: WHERE IS THE ROCK? Roofless: Roofless: 86. Brigand Five: 87. (reading) I DON’T SEE IT! QUIET!! ! C... CAR... ATTACKS ON! Brigand Three: The Brigands, groaning and ... A... VAN. ATTACKS ON... I DON’T SEE A THING! struggling, become quiet, shhshing CARAVAN! CARAVAN. each other. RIGHT! Brigand Two: HAVE YOU SEEN A ROCK? Brigand One: SHUT UP, YOU FOOL! 46 SEQ. 8.2. THIS LITTLE PIGGY SEQ. 8.3. Brigand One: Cut to a medium close-up of the CROSSED THE DESERT 88. (whispering) AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY THEY’RE THERE! Cobbler’s party. The Cobbler is in Princess MeeMee: STAYED HOME front, leading the Camel. He is (continuing) Sgt Hook: exhausted but the Camel is cool. THIS LITTLE PIGGY ATE AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY THEY’RE HERE, CHIEF! The Four Eunuchs, carrying the SWEETIES WAS PRETTY WHAT DOES THE BOOK palanquin, also appear unaffected AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY SAY NOW? by the heat. A good distance HAD NONE! WAS NOT! Roofless: behind, the Thief follows, more AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY dead than alive, crawling, stumbling WENT ALL THE WAY TO Muttering, he searches through the Handbook. forward, falling on his face, crawl- THE DESERT MOUNTAIN... WHAT? OH... EM... OH, YEH... ing again, lurching forward in an AND SAW THE MAD AND (continuing) erratic path. His tongue is hanging HOLY OLD WITCH WHO HERE IT IS. THE... BRIG- out. Obviously, he has forgotten to TURNED HIM BACK INTO A ANDS... WILL... ATTACK... AT steal any water and he is half crazed. PRINCE! ... THE... SOUND... OF... Even his flies droop; they sit in his Bubba: THE... TRUMPET! hat, except when he falls to the ( desperately) ground - when they momentarily Brigands: SHE WILL? SHE WILL? SAY AAH. fly up. Cut to the inside of the SHE WILL! palanquin. YumYum is looking out, Brigand Thirteen: chin in hand. Princess MeeMee is Princess MeeMee: AUTHOR! AUTHOR! playing with the Prince’s multi-toed YES, SHE WILL! SPEECH! feet. The Prince is gurgling, snort- Bubba: Roofless: ing and giggling. SHE WILL! RIGHT! GOOLI E! Princess MeeMee: (clapping his hands) Cut to a screen full of Brigandsl THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT SHE-WI LL -SHE-WI LL -SHE- heads all mashed together. The one TO MARKET WILL -SHE-WI LL ! farthest away yells: THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED Cut to behind the rock where the HOME Brigands are all huddled, heads Goolie: THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD RIGHT, CHIEFTAIN! crushed together, against Chief 89. ROAST BEEF Roofless and the Handbook, legs AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY and bodies still sticking out in full Goolie, at the back of the pile, HAD NONE view, still shhshing each other. clambers over the top of the other AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY Brigands, stepping on their heads, Brigand Four: WENT and gets on top of the rock. He (whispering) raises a battered and bent trumpet “WEE WEE WEE WEE” THERE THEY ARE! (continuing with more toes on to his lips and blows an air-filled Brigand Two: the same foot) raspberry, expelling spiders, scorpi- ( whispering) ons and gnats in a cloud of dust AYE, THEY’RE THERE! from the bell. 47 Brigand Thirteen: then the Chieftain looks confused Roofless: Other Brigands join in making FOR THE MONEY IT’S RI- and says: NO. I AM ROOFLESS! encouraging noises. DICULOUS! Roofless: (He points to his half-removed Roofless: Cut to front view of the Cobbler. ER... ER... scalp) WE ARE TERRIBLE! frozen stock-still, and the Prince Another Brigand hands him the Princess YumYum: Roofless: and two Princesses looking out Book, and to find out what to do ROOFLESS? from both sides of the palanquin. Pan over the horrendous-looking next, he leafs through the Hand- Sgt Hook: crew. Only the Camel rises his eyes to book, muttering as he does so, until YES. YES. HE IS MERCILESS! heaven. Further back, we see the he finds the next order. ROOFLESS! (continuing) Thief, looking like Kilroy, staring SADISTIC! over a dune. Goolie having cleared Roofless: (they point to their heads) (lowering Handbook) Goolie: One sticks his finger in another’s his trumpet, blows a wild, out-of- HA-A-A-A-ALT! tune, CHARGE, and there is a ROOFLESS, OUR CHIEF- empty eye-socket. tremendous scuffle as the whole YumYum jumps angrily out of TAIN! Roofless: the palanquin, marches all a-jiggle pack of Brigands race from behind Roofless: (continuing) the rock, imitating cavalry attack up to Chief Roofless, stands with YES. I AM ROOFLESS AND CRUEL! sounds: hands on hips and says: THIS IS MY BAND OF BRIG- Anotherl slams his hoof-hand Brigands: Princess YumYum: ANDS! THEY ARE RUTH- into another’s face. WHO. . . OR SHOULD I SAY, CHA-A-A-A-ARGE! ! LESS! Roofless: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE TA-DA! . . . TA~DA! . . . TA-TA- (continuing) YOU? Princess YumYum: TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- ROOFLESS? AND VICIOUS! TA-A-A-A-A-A! TA-TA-TA-TA- Goolie: Zoom in to Roofless’s teeth. TA-TA-DA-DA-DA-TUM! OH MY GOD. . . Roofless: 91. NO, RUTHLESS. There is a whirl of sand and arms Roofless: Brigands get more and more and legs and general confusion. WELL. . . I . . . Brigand Two: worked up, repeating Chief When the dust settles, it reveals a I AM ROOFLESS! Roofless’s boasts, grunting, rattling Princess YumYum: formation of Brigands, grouped ANSWER ME! Brigand Fifteen: bones, pounding hooves, grinding behind Chief Roofless, facing the AYE, QUITE RIGHT! teeth, growling and laughing evilly. Cobbler’s tiny caravan. They growl Roofless: Cut to an aerial view of an enor- Brigand One: menacingly and unconvincingly, WELL... ER... I AM mous blank desert, the tiny group ROOFLESS! THE CHIEF- YOU HAVE HER THERE, though they look frightening CHIEF! as dots below. enough. Chief Roofless stares at the TAIN! Chief Roofless’s voice continues Cobbler, who stares back at Chief Princess YumYum: Goolie: over: 90. Roofless. The Chieftain stands YOU ARE WHAT? Roofless: holding his staff with his emblem RIGHT! Roofless: RIGHT! (v .o.) in one hand. He moves his other I AM ROOFLESS! AND WE ARE THE hand to his sword. They stare at AND ISN’T HE LOOKING SCOURGE OF THE COUN- each other for a moment more, Princess YumYum: WELL. . . TRYSIDE! YOU ARE RUTHLESS?

48 Cut back to medium close-up of Brigand Three: I AM THE PRINCESS SEQ. 9.0. Chief Roofless and his men. DON’T I RECALL IT? YUMYUM, DAUGHTER OF Fade in on a huge red eye. The YOUR KING! Brigand Ten: Roofless: camera pulls back and we see it is THE SCOURGE OF THE WELL... ER... WE IS DOING NO PUSHING! the One-Eyes ghastly one-eyed flag, COUNTRYSIDE! OUR BEST!... Brigands: flapping. It is twilight, high up in As the Brigands growl frighten- AH! OH! the mountains. We see ZigZag Princess YumYum: dismounting in the shadows near ingly, cut to MeeMee’s face and the WELL, STAND UP STRAIGHT! Princess YumYum: eyeball of the Prince, peeking YOUR COUNTRY IS IN the flag. He says to the vulture, Sgt Hook: 93. through the palanquin curtain. The WE ARE! GRAVE DANGER! Eunuchs stand like furniture. The who hops along after him: Brigand One: Brigands: ZigZag: cobbler steps in front of YumYum, AAH! striking a fighting pose at Chief ARE! THE CAMP OF THE ONE- EYES! HOW VERY NICE! Roofless, who towers over him. Roofless: Princess YumYum: I HEREBY DECLARE YOU PERHAPS THEY’LL BE Princess YumYum: OH, YES. MY ROYAL GUARD! WILLING TO PAY MY PRICE! (hands on hips) YES, WE IS! DON’T BE SILLY! ZigZag takes the flag down. As he Princess YumYum: Roofless: (to himself) does it, he says to Phido: Roofless: LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU! THIS MAY BE USEFUL... 92. ROYAL GUARD... ROYAL (taken aback) GUARD! YOU NEVER KNOW... WHAT? Princess YumYum: PERHAPS AS A PROP FOR (He begins to bluster) Brigands: MY MAGIC SHOW! All the Brigands look down at their OH! AH! Princess YumYum: shoes and we see their terrible feet. He tucks the flag away into his YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO Princess YumYum: Princess YumYum: robe. YOUR PROFESSION! JUST SO PULL YOURSELVES LINE UP AND MY COBBLER ZigZag: LOOK AT YOU! TOGETHER! WilL ATTEND TO EACH OF (continuing) All the Brigands look at each YOU IN TURN! Roofless: I’LL HAVE THESE BARBAR- other. LOOK AT THE STATE OF ROYAL GUARD, BOYS! IANS KISSING MY FEET. Roofless: YOUR SHOES! The Brigands start milling about AND MAYBE WE’LL FIND WELL... ER... ARGH... AH, in a mangled attempt at soldiering YOU SOMETHING TO EAT! WELL, THINGS HAS NOT Brigands: and shouting military-type orders at EH, PHIDO ? BEEN TOO GOOD LATELY, AAAH! each other. LIKE, YOU KNOW. IN FACT, The Cobbler immediately gets on Cut to Phido, hopping along, THIS IS THE FIRST CARA- his knees, fishes in his pants, ...and Roofless: wings hooked around his stomach, VAN WE’VE SEEN FOR takes out a big needle. He starts RIGHT, QUIET! QUIET! gasping. He is near starvation. THIRTY YEARS, ISN’T IT, stitching up the Chieftain’s boots as QUIET! QUIET! I IS THE Suddenly four huge shields appear, BOYS? the rest of the Brigands sheepishly COMMANDER OF THE surrounding ZigZag and the vul- fall in line. ROYAL GUARD! ture. Four enormous One-Eyes The Brigands mutter agreement. glare at the trapped ZigZag, their Princess YumYum: Brigand Thirteen: Goolie: FALL IN, THERE! SPEECH! spears at his throat. AND THAT’S TRUE. ZigZag: (to Chief Roofless) Fade. 49 SEQ. 9.1. formal manner for the benefit of ZigZag: CHARM BEASTS! GENTLEMEN! GENTLEMEN! ZigZag. PHIDO! AND BIRDS OF PREY, TOO! WHAT A DELIGHT! ZigZag is temporarily taken aback Mighty One-Eye: (ZigZag looks at Phido) TO MEET YOU ALL HERE by the whole scene. It was more UMPH! PHIDO! ON SUCH A FINE NIGHT! than he was expecting. He stares at WHO DARES ENTER THE On this cue, Phido jumps Cut to the inside of the Mighty the Mighty One-Eye and his own CAMP OF THE MIGHTY through the flaming hoop, his One-Eye’s tent. The walls are lined left eye starts to blink slightly - sort ONE-EYE? tailfeathers catching fire. As his arse with torches and one-eyed guards. of keying himself in for the scene. The One Eye leering. He makes a bursts into flame, Phido screams: The colours are green and black, Phido sees the food and, drooling, burst in front of him. Phido: with the purple faces of the makes a run toward one of the SQUAWK!!! ! ZigZag: One~Eyes, black flickering shadows roasting pigs. As he does so, he OH, MIGHTY ONE-EYE - J I Phido runs right out of the tent, from the orange flames. Pigs are pulls ZigZag by the leash to the AM ZIGZAG, THE GREAT, OF his leash charred, dragging after turning slowly on spits and women ground, flat on his face. THE GOLDEN LAND! him. (He whips a handkerchief , dancers gyrate slowly to strange ZigZag: AND I WAS, OF LATE, THE out of his sleeve, shakes it once, music. Curli-cueing smoke rises to OOOO! KINGIS RIGHT HAND! waves it over his head and it be- the top of the tent, escaping Phido, flapping, can’t quite reach comes a huge One-Eye flag.) On through a vent. The Mighty One- Mighty One-Eye: the spit. AND. . . ? HA-HA! ZigZag rams the end of Eye reclines on a human divan of OOOO! the flagpole into the ground. scantily-clad, live women. OOOO! ZigZag: ZigZag: 94. I AM A MAGICIAN, A SOR- Phido: BUT AS YOU WILL SEE He is spilling wine on them and CERER, TOO! Throughout the rest of this scene, THAT’S NOT ALL I CAN DO! gorging himself with a leg of fowl. AND I’M IN A POSITION, I HA-HA! Throughout the sequence, he Phido is rolling his eyes, trying to THINK, TO SERVE YOU! fondles and slaps his human furni- get near the food, drooling, gasping Mighty One-Eye: and suffering. Mighty One-Eye: (GRUNT) ture. It looks like Hell on Earth. SORCERER? MAGICIAN? Mighty One-Eye: When ZigZag is pushed through VERY WELL... AMUSE ME! ZigZag whips a pack of playing the entrance, the One-Eye rises to WHAT IS THIS! cards out of his sleeve. As he begins his feet from curiosity, snaps his ZigZag: ZigZag: flicking through the deck, he says: 95. fingers, and says: FORGIVE THE BEHAVIOUR ZigZag: Mighty One-Eye: (beginning to get up) guards withdraw, and ZigZag 96. THRONE! OF MY WINGED BEAST. . . leaps to his feet, broad sweep with I HAVE POWER OVER HE’S QUITE OVERCOME BY his arm and green fire and smoke PEOPLE THOUGH THEY The one-eye women who were I CONJURE DEMONS! comprising his divan, jump up as THE SIGHT OF YOUR MAY APPEAR COMPLEX. he says this and re-interlock very FEAST... (swings his arm around and a FOR ME, THEY FALL fast, snorting and chortling, into a Still on the ground, ZigZag glowing mini-dragon appears) (fans the cards in a wide arc) perfectly-trained, balletic circus- reaches out, yanks the leash, almost (The dragon takes its tail into its LIKE PLAY ING CARDS type, interlocking throne position. throttling Phido, and pulls him mouth and forms a hoop, which (over his head) Seating himself on his human- back. ZigZag plucks out of the smoke. AND I CONTROL THE throne, the One-Eye assumes a The dragon/hoop bursts into DECKS! flames.) 50 The cards fly apart, but ZigZag carpet at the feet of the Mighty SEQ. 9.2. Hoof: deftly catches each one. One-Eye. Fade in on the caravan, camped OH SALOME, HEH HEH, WHEN I THINK OF YOU, ZigZag: Mighty One-Eye: for the night at a beautiful desert SALOME (catching the cards) HMPF! MAGIC! WHAT USE IS oasis, a pool of water reflecting a AH! AH! OOOH! AH! HA! HO! THAT I N THE FACE OF crescent moon and stars, ringed by IN ALL THAT SAND (laugh) HOOO! DEATH? palm trees. fhe camel is parked next EVERYTHING ... AND YOU DANCING JUST (catching the last card) (awful laugh) to the pool. HA-HA! ! ! ! ! YOU SAY YOU CAN CHARM The camera moves in. We see the FOR ME... THOSE LOVELY EYES Cut to the One-Eye, his one eye BEASTS? white and gold palanquin, resting (laughs) slowly shuts. He appears to be ZigZag, hands clasped, half- on the sand. There is a white and OH, SALOME, HAVE YOU considering. bowing, smiles broadly and nods. gold tent pitched nearby with the Four Eunuchs asleep outside it. The GOT LOVELY LEGS... Mighty One-Eye: Mighty One-Eye: SALOME, I DON’T KNOW MMMMMMMMMMMMMM Cobbler is sleeping in front of the (awful laugh) door of the tent. Brigands lie all HOW TO SAY THIS (laugh) MMMM. . . THROW HIM TO THE ALLI- I WAS WONDERING... UH, GATORS! over the place, using each other as ZigZag: pillows and footrests, snoring and HUH... UH... AHHA... HUM BUT ALL Cut to the top of the tent where wheezing in a ragged chorus. IF, UH, WE COULD MEET THIS IS NOTHING FOR NOW the smoke is rising through the We hear the sound of the flies and SOME TIME... IN MY HAND IS THE VERY vent. His own tail smoking slightly, the camera pans past the collapsed A... GAIN... (laughs) KEY TO THE GOLDEN Phido looks down, watching Brigands over to a sand dune where UH... UH... AND... LAND! ZigZag being carried out. Do we the Thief’s head appears. He slowly I WOULD BE VERY NICE TO (holding up his rucksack sur- detect a smile? Fade. crawls forward over the rim of the YOU... UH... rounded by a ring of green sparks) dune and starts downward toward AND YOU COULD BE... UH... ZigZag waves his great sleeve in an the camp. Suddenly, the sand slides VERY NICE TO ME... arc across his body, hiding the down with him and overtakes him, UH... (laugh) UH... UH... UH... rucksack behind him. burying him with a hiss at the KINDA NICE IF WE COULD SORTA GO OUT SOME ZigZag: bottom. The flies hover over the EVENING (continuing) mound. A couple of Brigands roll FOR NO MAN CAN TAKE IT over, gouging each other, and AND THE MOON WAS SHIN- NO MATTER HOW GREAT... making adjustments in their sleep. ING... Y’KNOW... HEH... YOU WEAR THAT NICE (pointing to the Mighty One- A hoof-handed Brigand by a small COSTUME... (laugh)... Eye) (bursts of green smoke and rock is talking in his sleep. The REMEMBER THAT COS- electricity) skinny book-marking snake comes UNLESS HE POSSESSES out from behind the rock and TUME THAT YOU USED TO THESE THREE BALLS OF listens to the Brigand’s dream, DANCE IN ... (laugh) ... AND FATE! winding himself around his arm in THROW MOST OF IT AWAY... HEH, The smoke clears and the three sympathy. UH... UH... AND... AND... golden balls lie gleaming on a red THEN WE COULD...

51 SORTA SPREAD IT OUT... tent, which floats away, and we see All awakening now. SEQ. 9.3. (laugh)... UH... UH... that the Thief and the tent are Roofless: Eight alligators, lined up in two ON THE SAND... TALK. UH... pinned to the pool floor by the ’TIS A MYSTERY... IT IS! neatly-formed rows of four, jaws WE COULD TALK... stolen goods. The Thief desperately gaping. We hear ZigZag’s voice: SALOME... COULDN’T WE? cuts the ropes as thongs holding Brigand: 100. ...ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE. WELL NOW WHO WOULD him to his booty. Cut to the top of BE PUTTING THAT UP ZigZag: (voice over) ...UH...US... the pool as bubbles rise, popping at MY FRIENDS. . . AND... UH...MAYBE WE THERE? the surface. The Camel, looking at Cut back further and we see COULD... KISS... the bubbles, is laughing - wheezing Brigand: ZigZag behind a pulpit-shaped rock MAYBE...(Iaugh) ...AH... AH... ISN’T THAT THE HAND OF and heaving. Suddenly, the Thief with the alligators lined up before IT’S ALL A MISTAKE, I SUP- GOD? DATS A SIGN NOW... pops up like a cork to the surface. him like students. POSE... Like a balloon, his coat is full of Brigand: NEVER HAPPENED, I’M subsiding air, ringing him in ZigZag: (continuing) Brigand: MY FRIENDS... IT GRIEVES SURE... bubbles as he sinks back under, the NO HARM IN DREAMING... THERE IT IS! ME TO SEE YOU ALL LIVING air no longer supporting him. The THIS WAY... FED ON PER- (sigh)... camel can’t stand it. Chuckling, Brigand: AND THERE IT WAS. . . SONS LIKE ME WITH Behind a group of sleeping wheezing and heaving, he falls over NO MEAT! Brigands, a thin, striped, upright on his back, helpless with laughter Goolie: tent edges to a saddlebag. It disap- as the Thief claws his AND ISN’T IT LOOKING ZigZag pulls back his sleeve, pears inside the tent. The tent 99. WELL? revealing a very thin arm. A few moves closer to a large water jug, way out of the pool onto the jaws snap with motor responses. Brigand: which also disappears inside the sand. Cut to a long shot of the NOW THAT’S GRAND! ZigZag: (continuing) tent. Close up on the tent. The camp as a golden ray of sunlight YOU DESERVE SOMETHING camera pans up it and where the strikes the Cobbler’s face. The Brigand: BETTER! LIKE - THREE little flag flies at the top, there is a Cobbler blinks, wakens and sud- ISN’T IT NOW BEGOD. . . TIMES A DAY halo of flies hovering. Cut back to a denly jumps up. He stares in the Brigand: Alligators snap their jaws: snap longer shot of sleeping Brigands in direction of the light. On the NOW THAT’S GREAT. . . snap drool snap. the foreground as the Thief, inside horizon, we see the Desert Moun- Brigand: ZigZag: (continuing) the tent, travels along stealing any tain, clearly lit by the rising sun. It WILL YOU BE LOOKING AT A SUCCULENT SOMEONE objects in his path. The tent moves looks like a giant golden arm THAT NOW? TO EAT. . . ? over to the pool of water and - extending from the desert to the All the alligators are getting SPLASH disappears into it. Cut to sky. Blinking, the light reflects on Brigand: AND STOP YOUR GOING ON... excited, jaws snapping, and even the bottom of the pool, the tent the faces of the waking Brigands. biting each other a little. settled on the floor of it. There is a Hook: Hook: THAT’S A GRAND LOOKING ZigZag: (continuing) frantic wiggling from inside and a ( awakening) YES... knife blade appears, cutting a hole WHAT IS THAT? SIGHT in the side of the tent. We see the (hands outstretched) Goolie: Roofless: WELL, I’M JUST THE FEL- Thief’s head, cheeks swollen with AND ISN’T IT LOOKING LOW AND BEHOLDEN. . . LOW TO SEE THAT YOU air. In desperation, he cuts another GRAND? Dissolve to: GET large chunk out of the side of the 52 ALL THE FLESH YOU WERE SEQ. 10.0. goes straight up), there is only some the Mountain wall slowly part, NEVER AFFORDED... Dissolve to a close-up of the brush and undergrowth of vines revealing a staircase inside. The JUST HELP ME A LITTLE... Brigands’ feet, marching as the and small trees. The sides of the Brigands whisper, awestruck; AND I WON’T FORGET camera pans slowly along a line of Sgt Hook: TO SEE THAT YOU ARE them. Each foot has a shoe on it of 102. MAGIC! AMPLY REWARDED! some sort, inventively made out of mountain are flat. ’TIS MAGIC! old braces and sacking. The Cob- The Mountain is entirely made ZigZag: Goolie: (snap -snap - drool - slobber) bler has been at work and, with up of interlocking rocks shaped like ’TIS POWERFUL MAGIC! (continuing) whatever small means available, he hands. IMAGINE THE ARMS! has made rather stylish attempts at The camera tilts upward and the Brigand: AYE, AND INDEED AND IT (snap snap) shoes. Even the peg-legs have little Mountain looms above us, and into AND THE LEGS! shoes on them. As they reach the the noon sky. A third of the way up IS! (snap clamp snap) mountain the Brigands all sing... the one side, enormous pillar Brigand: AND THE THIGHS! different things. Still on the feet, reaching mid-mountain, steps wind IT IS THAT! the camera travels down the line up them from the ground. But (snap drool slobber) Brigand: AND THE HIPS AND THE past the Eunuchs, the Camel and there is no visible way to reach it. TO BE SURE AND IT IS! LIPS AND ALL THAT! the Cobbler, whose own shoes, of Cut to a sand dune and, again like course, are the worst of all. He Kilroy, the Thief appears over the Brigand: (snap) ISN’T IT! The alligators are beginning to stops. edge. He is exhausted. Suddenly, his jump around, getting out of Cut to a medium long-shot of eyes widen and his pupils fill with Goolie: control. ZigZag signals for them to the Brigands crashing into each the Ruby. Cut to the Ruby, gleam- ’TIS MAGIC FROM AN- stop. other as the long line comes to a ing in the forehead of the idol. OTHER WORLD... stop at the base of the Golden Idol. There is a mystic darkening of the 101. Hoof: Idol and the desert as the Ruby ZigZag: (continuing) Brigands: (turning away) AND I GUARANTEE YOU (noises of crashing into each begins to glow. Cut to the Cobbler, ANOTHER TIME... ANOTHER EACH DAY A SURPRISE other) Prince Bubba, the two Princesses, PLACE... Cut to Prince Bubba and the two and Chief Roofless, looking up. THAT IS PLUMP, PORTLY, Brigand: PAUNCHY AND FAT! Princesses, looking out of the Cut to the sun, gleaming. Cut to (following suit) palanquin. Cut to the Golden Idol long shot of the side view of the The alligators go mad, snapping, Idol, facing the Mountain, the AYE, MAYBE SOME OTHER biting the air, etc. at the foot of the Desert Mountain. TIME The Idol is circled by armed guards, Caravan and Brigands down below. ZigZag: ( shouting) A barely perceptible ray of light Brigand: FAT! FAT! FAT! protectors of the Ruby. They gaze indifferently at the arriving party. from the sun beams vertically on to I’LL BE MAK ING MY OWN Dissolve as they leap up, biting Cut to a medium close-up of the the Ruby. A facet of the Ruby ARRANGEMENTS... each other and snapping in an Cobbler, studying the whole scene. glows and beams a ray of light, like ecstatic frenzy. a laser, against the Mountain wall. 103. Cut to the Desert Mountain During all this, there is a single from the Cobbler’s point of view. line of eerie, high-pitched music At the base of the Mountain (which indicating the sun as it reaches its zenith. Hidden doors in the side of 53 All of the Brigands begin to Roofless: Brigand: Chinese, Russian, German, French, tiptoe away. COME ALONG NOW LADS, AYE, THERE’S GOT TO BE Italian, Spanish and Swedish; the COME ON... WE MUST TRY! AN OPENING SOME- Princess YumYum: letters are writteh in the graphic WHERE... ENOUGH! PROCEED, COB- Brigand: style of each language.) Cut to front BLER! TRY WHOT? shot of the Thief, backing away 104. from the guards and Idol, his eyes The palanquin, led by the Cob- Sgt Hook: bler, moves toward the door of the SHE’S GOIN’ IN THERE Brigand: still focused on the Ruby. Behind Mountain. Bubba looks fearfully, NOW LADS! GOD SPARE US... him in the near distance, the last of one eye peeking out from behind the Brigands enters the Mountain Brigand: Brigand: and the doors close. The Thief the palanquin curtain and whim- WOTS SHE GOIN’ IN THERE NOW YOU’LL BE GOING pers: FIRST! backs through a turnstile, in the FOR? YOU GO FIRST AND shape of an arrow, pointing the way Bubba: WE’LL FOLLOW YOUS! Brigand: out. The Thief continues backing I’M SCARED. . . AND WE WILL FOLLOW Brigand: away from us, transfixed, toward Princess MeeMee: AFTER YOU YOURSELF! the now blank wall of the Moun- THERE THERE BUBBA... Brigand: AFTER YOU... Brigand: tain. As the palanquin disappears into I’LL BE COMING AFTER the Mountain, Princess YumYum’s Brigand: YOU... voice is heard, hollering back at the NO, NO, AFTER YOU... Brigand: hesitating Brigands. Brigand: AND WE’LL SEE YOU AT Princess YumYum: AGE BEFORE BEAUTY! THE OTHER END NOW... (voice off) Brigand: Cut to the Thief, who is oblivi- THE ROYAL GUARD WILL MAY THE SAINTS PRE- PROCEED! ous to everyone going inside. He SERVE US! only has eyes for the Ruby set in the Roofless: Brigand: forehead of the mammoth idol. It ER... AH... THE ROYAL NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO is surrounded by silent guards. The GUARD... WILL... PROCEED! SLEEP... Thief works his way around the base of the idol, searching for a way Sgt Hook: Princess YumYum: RIGHT! to get past them. There is none. (voice off) PROCEED! COME ALONG NOW YOU BAM! His head hits a sign barring his path. Brigand: MEN! MEMBERS OF THE AYE, PROCEED THEN... ROYAL GUARD! Cut to the Thief’s head in close- ENTER! up, reverberating. The sign says, Reluctantly, the Brigands begin to “STOP”. The Thief jerks his head shuffle in. Brigand: away and bangs it on another sign, Goolie: IT IS THE DEVIL’S CAVE adjacent to the first. It says: “NO DON’T BE LISTENING TO ITSELF! PRAYERS PAST THIS POINT.” THE OLD BIDDY! (Every sign in this picture is written in English, Arabic, Japanese, 54 SEQ. 10.1. Brigand: go. Cut to the Prince, peeking over foot. Again, without breaking his Cut to the Cobbler’s party - NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO the side of the palanquin, the two pace, the Camel’s foot pulls the Camel, palanquin, Eunuchs, SLEEP... Princesses’ heads below him. Cut to Cobbler back onto the path. Princesses and Prince, followed by Roofless: the Prince’s vertigo point of view, Cut to a close-up of the Camel, Roofless and his men - coming out KEEP MOVING! looking down the sheer drop, a raising his eyes to heaven. of the tunnel onto the open steps Cut to the palanquin. The steps double image shifts back and forth. Cut to the Thief - several shots of on the side of the Mountain are steep and narrow and it is Prince Bubba: him slipping, sliding, working his pinnacle. They are all agog and difficult to move the palanquin I’M DIZZY! way ever upwards. As he reaches up proceeding gingerly, the Cobbler along. Prince Bubba peeks out on to claw his way another few inches leading. The steps are very narrow the cliff side. 106. we do a slow dissolve to: and it is only just possible to move Cut to Bubba’s vertigo view of Princess MeeMee: the palanquin along. Chief Roofless the drop. Cut to Bubba, wincing. THERE... THERE BUBBA... and his men are flattened against Bubba: Both MeeMee and Bubba with- the wall of the Mountain, inching IT’S STEEP! along sideways, though there is at draw back inside the palanquin, least six feet between them and the Princess MeeMee: leaving YumYum looking out. Cut edge of the cliff. THERE... THERE BUBBA... to a medium long-shot of the Roofless: MeeMee hugs him and both Cobbler, struggling on at the front. CAREFUL, MEN... DON’T disappear inside. YumYum peers He looks back at YumYum, who GET TOO NEAR THE out. smiles at him, and his tacks form EDGE... Cut to a long shot of the into a smile back at her. His foot Cobbler's party climbing the steep slips and he grabs the Camel’s foot 105. stairs up the side of the Mountain. as he goes over the edge. The Cut to an extreme close-up of the Camel, without breaking the Sgt Hook: rhythm of his pace, steps the AYE... THE EDGE... Thief's foot against the vertical side of the Mountain. Pull back, and we Cobbler back onto the narrow Goolie: see the Golden Idol below and the stairs. AND ISN’T IT LOOKING full figure of the Thief, who is Princess YumYum clasps her WELL! making his way up the impossible hands to her head and withdraws Brigand: slope, like a fly climbing a wall. into the palanquin. Princess DON’T LOOK DOWN! Cut to a long shot showing both MeeMee, frowning, pokes her head out and says to the Cobbler: Brigand: sides of the pinnacle, the Cobbler's DON’T LOOK UP! party on one side, going up the Princess MeeMee: dangerous stairs - the Thief, on the CAN’T YOU FIND A SAFER Brigand: WAY UP THIS MOUNTAIN?! MAKE YOUR OWN AR- other side, doing it the hard way. RANGEMENTS... The music here becomes Wagne- The Cobbler turns around, sees rian - Parsifal and the Holy Grail. MeeMee glaring at him. His tacks Brigand: Cut back to see the full Mountain droop and he walks backwards, SAINTS PRESERVE US! pinnacle, except for the very top, slipping again over the side, barely and we see how far they have yet to managing to catch the Camel’s 55 SEQ. 10.2. SEQ. 10.3. breaks off another large leaf. The come forward slightly, and we see The steep, dark walls of a pit. We Very slowly dissolve back to the Thief inserts this second leaf into him zoom past - one half inch see ZigZag, in exactly the same Thief, climbing, climbing. Several his sleeve, punching his fingers above the spear tips of the Idol position and size as the Thief, only shots. Medium long-shot as he through and grabbing the ribbing guards - and, of course, past the he is climbing up an alligator approaches a ledge above him of the leaf. He repeats this in his Ruby. Cut to the Thief’s view of ladder. The alligators are on top of which has two banana trees just other sleeve with the other leaf. more stone tiles, flashing past each other, their backs against the visible atop it. The Thief slips and Adjusting what are clearly his below us. Then the palm trees rush wall of the Pit, their short legs slides as he works his way around “wings” now, the Thief turns from top of screen to bottom and extended like stairs, each holding on toward the ledge. around and walks resolutely to the we rise to the blue sky. to the next by clamping his jaws on Cut to the top of the ledge. The edge. The camera cranes over the Cut to a medium long shot of the the tail of the one higher up. flies appear, followed by one hand, top of him and down, down, down Thief, looping the loop. It works! ZigZag makes his way gingerly past then another, then the Thief’s head. Cut to the Thief, gliding. He’s their jaws. He drags himself up onto the flat 108. really flying. He is in a state of ZigZag: surface, wheezing and gasping. He to the Idol below, ending in a shock. He looks back at his wings OH! EXCUSE ME! I HOPE gets to his feet, tries to walk for- close-up of the Ruby. and leers. He rocks slightly, testing YOU DON’T MIND... ward, sways dizzily around, then, Cut to the Thief’s eyes in close- for control. Now, full of confi- OH! I’M SORRY... YOU’RE determined, walks over a slight up, focused cross-eyed on the Ruby. dence, he banks gracefully away VERY KIND... curve, past the banana trees, to the He blinks. Pull back and the Thief into the distance and turns back WON’T TAKE LONG NOW... edge of the ledge, where he looks crouches, wings folded like a fly. toward us, heading in the direction ...SOON BE THROUGH... down. Zoom out and we see the He spreads his wings dramatically of the Ruby. THAT’S A GOOD FELLOW... tiny ledge with the Thief, three and hops over the edge. Cut to the quarters of the way up the Moun- Thief in mid-air, hurtling down- Now he has things fully under 107. tain. On the other side, the ward, flapping frantically. He can’t control and he brings his wings Cobbler’s party, tiny dots, continue understand why it isn’t working. As forward like a breast stroker, and ZigZag: to climb. Cut to the Thief’s view, the increasing velocity pins his gives himself added propulsion, his (continued. . . ) OH! HOW DO YOU DO! looking down, and we see the tiny wings behind him, he nosedives flies breaking formation and Idol, far below. head first downward. regrouping, every time he strokes SPLENDID! SPLENDID! OH! Cut back to the Thief, hanging Cut to a shot below the Thief forward. Master of the situation, PARDON MY CLUTCH! over the ledge. He turns his head, in the distance the camera. I the Thief turns to camera and poses I THANK YOU... looks at the banana trees with their he zooms toward smugly - CRASH - he hits the side I THANK YOU... large yellow leaves, and turns back Cut to the Thief’s view of palm of the Desert Mountain. The wing- I THANK YOU TOO MUCH...! and looks again down at the Ruby. trees and ground rushing up at him. leaves are shattered and he’s left, The Thief then gets up and goes to The stone floor around the Idol clutching the broken remnants, as one of the banana trees and breaks a comes up to camera lens, and, he slides out of frame, flapping huge leaf off it. As it snaps off, he about six inches from where the desperately. runs backwards, almost going off Thief’s face would be, it pans past Cut to a top-shot looking down the edge. Little bits of rock crumble at terrific speed. at the Thief as he slides down the off behind him. Without taking wings side of the Mountain, beating what notice, the Thief lays the leaf down There is a craning shot of the is left of his wings against it. on the ground and goes over and back of the Thief’s head as his 56 SEQ. 10.4. Palanquin, halt behind him, and AHR, I’M SEEING DOUBLE! All look up and we see the top of 109. Roofless crashes into the base of the MY EYES IS PLAYIN’ the Mountain, towering above in Cut to very steep steps. We are litter. From inside, we hear: TRICKS ON ME! the distance. The hand-shape is no looking down the steps at the Prince Bubba: Goolie: longer palm open; it is now in the Cobbler, who is climbing with HELP! YER EYES ARE PLAYIN’ gesture of pointing to the heavens. difficulty up toward us. Behind Brigands’ reactions as they crash TRICKS ON ME, TOO! Cut to a long shot of the top of him lurches the palanquin, carried into each other. the Mountain: the side view of the by the Eunuchs. Behind them, the Brigand: pointing hand. The Cobbler’s Roofless: WELL, THERE WAS ONLY Camel. And below, the line of ONE WHEN WE STARTED! caravan of tiny figures are on the Brigands, still flattened against the Cut to Roofless at the rear of the steps leading to the mound of the Palanquin, recovering. AND NOW... Mountain wall. AH... YOUR HIGHNESS... thumb. Slowly, the camera cranes Cut to a side view of the Cobbler Hook: to the front of the hand. Steps lead going up the almost vertical steps. YumYum sticks her head out of ISN’T SHE LOOKING WELL up the enormous palm and between the back of the palanquin. Cobbler The Eunuchs are having great Goolie: the forefinger and thumb, there is a difficulty lifting the palanquin. does not see the following action THE TWO OF THEM! valley. Prince Bubba is popping his head behind him down the steps. A thin trail of green smoke comes Brigand: out, swooning. Princess YumYum: from the valley far above. Cut back YES, ROOFLESS? AREN’T THEY GRAND? Prince Bubba: to Roofless, the Brigands huddled MEEMEE! MEEMEE! ME DI Roofless: Hook: behind him. ...TOGETHER... ZZY MEEMEE! MEEMEE ME THE POOR BEAST UP Roofless: DIZZY! THERE CAN’T GO ANY Brigand: AH... ER... PERHAPS ME FURTHER... GOD BLESS THE WORK! AND MY MEN OUGHT TO BE Princess MeeMee: THERE... THERE BUBBA... Prince Bubba pokes his head out Brigand: STAYIN HERE. AH... TO of the back end of the palanquin I NEVER THOUGHT THAT’D GUARD THE WAY AGAINST Prince Bubba: INTRUDERS... ME SICK! and says angrily: EVER HAPPEN NOW!... Prince Bubba: ME SICK MEEMEE! Brigand: 111. CAN TOO! ALL OUR EYES IS PLAYIN’ Princess MeeMee: Princess MeeMee: TRICKS! Brigands: THERE... THERE... AYE... AGAINST INTRUD- (poking her head out beside Roofless: ERS... LIKE... Prince Bubba: Prince Bubba’s) AYE! AYE! AND THE MOUN- ME GONNA BE SICK! JUST IN CASE... THERE... THERE... TAIN IS PLAYIN’ TRICKS ON ME GONNA BE SICK! ...TO PROTECT THE REAR... US, TOO. LOOK UP THERE! Princess YumYum: 110. AYE, THE REAR GUARD... OUTSIDE! Brigands: Roofless does a double-take at the WHERE IS IT? Roofless: THE ROYAL REAR GUARD! The Camel has reached a plateau sight of the twin princesses. LOOK UP? and is in the process of sitting down Roofless: THERE IT IS! in sections, behind the Cobbler, THERE’S TWO OF YOU! THERE IS WHOT? who is standing quite still, gazing THERE’S TWO OF YOU! up. The Eunuchs, carrying the 57 Princess YumYum.: Brigands: SEQ. 10.5. him as he touches ground again and ALL RIGHT THEN... YOU ON GUARD! Cut to the bottom of the Moun- flies up into the sky, hits the CAN STAY HERE AND ON GUARD! tain near some underbrush. A tangle ground again the Idol closer - flies GUARD THE WAY! Sgt Hook: of vines moves toward us. It is the up into the sky again, hits the Princess MeeMee: GUARD THE WAY! Thief, completely wrapped up in ground, the Idol closer yet - hits the VERY WELL... WE SHALL GO vines. They jiggle and wiggle as he ground again and up into the air Goolie: ON WITHOUT YOU! GUARD THE WAY, MEN! stamps past us in a fury. Cut to a once more. long-shot of the bottom of the Cut to a long-shot, side view of Prince Bubba: The Eunuchs lift the palanquin Mountain, the Idol and guards and the Idol on its platform, sur- YETH! over the seated Camel. Cut to the LETH GO! the underbrush and small trees rounded by its guards. The Thief Cobbler. The thin trail of green behind the Idol. comes down - SPRONG shoots Roofless: smoke we saw before, coming from Dissolve to the Thief, sitting out the top of the frame and drops HALT MEN! ... the valley far above, has reached between two small trees. He has right on to the Idol. (calling to Princesses) down to him now and the end of fashioned the vines into two spring- THUD! WE’LL STAY BEHIND AND it, in the shape of a whispy hand, is coils, which he is fastening to his Cut to a medium close-up. The GUARD THE EXIT! beckoning to him to follow. He feet. He uses trees as a brace as he Thief is plastered against the Idol, does so in a semi-trance. Goolie: stands up, putting pressure on the clutching it. It is too heavy for him WE’LL STOP BEHIND AND 112. coils. He works himself down into to lift and the Thief’s legs on LOOK AFTER THE EN- a crouch, lets go of the trees, and springs are going haywire. He is TRANCE! he’s off. able to move the Idol only slightly. At first he makes little helpless Pumping his feet like crazy, with a Hook: AND WE’LL LET NOBODY bounces, going off and on balance, death-grip on the Idol, his kicking OUT! gathering momentum and height gradually becomes more feeble as and control from hop to hop. He the guards’ spears slowly come in Goolie: accelerates higher and higher. He and encircle his neck. We leave him UNLESS THEY WANT TO makes one big bounce and we crane in medium long-shot, trapped, GO IN! with him, up and above his head. making pathetic little movements Hook: From his viewpoint we rush down with his feet. LET NOBODY IN LEST THEY to the ground and fly up into the WANT TO GO OUT! air, down to the ground, up into the air - as if the camera were Goolie: WE’LL STOP HERE NOW! strapped to him. Cut to a front shot of the under- Roofless: brush, the Thief in the distance AND YOU CAN GO ON IF flying up toward us, disappearing YOU LIKE! BEAUTIFUL! down and reappearing with each HALT MEN! WE IS GUARD- bounce. He bounces right up to the ING GUARD THE WAY! camera. THE WAY! Cut to the Thief’s view, the Idol ON GUARD MEN! in the distance, the camera with 58 SEQ. 10.6. Cut to a medium close-up, head One-Eye, standing at his full height SEQ. 11.0A. 113. on, of ZigZag, dirt flying, teeth on the top: Dissolve in to the pointing hand Dissolve to afternoon in the hills. working: Mighty One-Eye: at the top of the Desert Mountain. From behind a large boulder on the ZigZag: HAW HAW HAW! SO YOU Zoom in on the Cobbler and the right, we hear two cracks of a whip (continuing) CAN CHARM BEASTS... Palanquin reaching the valley and ZigZag’s voice: FASTER! SORCERER... HAW HAW between the thumb and forefinger. ZigZag: (whip cracking) HAW! The Cobbler still follows the MUSH! FASTER! Cut to a top-shot of ZigZag, beckoning fingers of green smoke. MUSH, MY HUSKIES! Cut to a top-shot of ZigZag’s looking up, daring to hope and The smoke is coming from a three- From behind the rock, eight alligator sled racing from large smiling ingratiatingly. One of his inch urn in front of a blank wall. alligators, harnessed two-by-two, boulder to boulder, crazily zig- eyes is flickering shut. The Cobbler follows the beckoning fingers right to the urn and stops as their little legs scurrying very fast, zagging. Mighty One-Eye: appear, pulling ZigZag on a dog Cut to a side-shot as ZigZag YOU MAY BE USEFUL AF- the fingers dissolve and disappear sled. As they run up to camera, swings around to the right toward a TER ALL... NOW WE TALK. . . into the lid of the tiny urn. The ZigZag whisper-shouts: gap between two huge boulders. Cobbler stares at it, then gingerly Dissolve. lifts the tiny lid and looks in. We ZigZag: Suddenly, a dozen One-Eye shields FASTER! fill the gap between the boulders see an eyeball peering back at him. FASTER! and ZigZag, to avoid hitting the They both stare, then the Cobbler looks away, back at his compan- (Whip cracks twice) shields, swivels off to the right. Cut to a top shot of the One-Eye ions. The Eunuchs have stopped Cut to an overhead long-shot of and Bubba, MeeMee and YumYum the One-Eye encampment with its soldiers encircling ZigZag and his sled as he circles, shouting: peek out. The Cobbler does a terrible war machinery, tents and doubletake at the twin princesses. paraphernalia. ZigZag’s alligator ZigZag: FASTER! FASTER! WE MeeMee leaps out of the sled races off, away from the main palanquin, all a-jiggle. compound as he makes a break for MUST AVOID... it. Cut to ZigZag and the sled in Princess MeeMee: WELL! AT LAST! Cut to a side-shot of ZigZag’s medium close-up. The sled comes alligator sled racing past boulders, to a stop and the alligators pant as YumYum all a-jiggle, leaps from rocks, at break-neck speed as clouds dust settles. ZigZag says, resignedly, the Palanquin and goes over toward of dust rise and the whip cracks. ending his sentence; the Cobbler: ZigZag shouts - only as loud as he ZigZag: Princess YumYum: dares, afraid to alert the guards: ...DISASTER... WELL DONE, TACK! I KNEW YOU’D GET US HERE! ZigZag: (continuing) 114. The Cobbler is looking back and MUSH! (whip cracking) There is a momentary pause as forth, from one princess to the MU-UH-UH-UH-USH! the surrounding One-Eyes glare other, amazed. He blushes and MUSH! menacingly. A voice booms a shuffles his feet. Cut to Prince mighty guffaw as we pan up the Bubba, still in the Palanquin, one largest rock and see the Mighty eye peeking out at the urn. 59 SEQ. 11.0B. Princess MeeMee: Witch: Witch: 115. WE HAVE TRAVELLED (fading) The Witch, looking sceptically at Cut to the tiny urn. The eyeball FROM FAR ACROSS THE A-R-R-R-R-GH... Bubba, says: has risen slightly and is looking out DESERT TO FIND YOU... Cut to YumYum. PRINCE? YOUR PRINCE? at everybody. Witch: Princess YumYum: Princess MeeMee: The Witch, less than half-there, AND OUR FATHER SAID She is fading slightly. MeeMee, (to the urn) fades away to nothing. YOU COULD HELP US SAVE her arms around Bubba says: O MAD AND HOLY OLD (voice fading) THE CITY! Princess MeeMee: WITCH, A-R-R-R-GH... The Witch is almost gone, but THIS IS MY BELOVED GREETINGS! PRINCE BUBBA. Princess YumYum: she starts to come back in again. Princess MeeMee: OUR CITY IS IN DANGER! Witch: The Witch fades back into full (squinting) ARE THERE TWO focus, stands up and walks, hands The eyeball slowly retracts into Princess MeeMee: the urn. WE COME TO IMPLORE OF YOU. clasped behind her back, like a O MAD AND HOLY OLD YOU, TO BEG YOU. . . (sees them) AH-H-H-H-H... doctor, over to Prince Bubba. From WITCH, I AM PRINCESS ONE AT A TIME, ONE AT A behind her back, she produces a MEEMEE OF THE GOLDEN The Witch fades in half way TIME... pink stethoscope, which she pops again, sitting on the other side of CITY... around her neck. the urn now, immediately fading MeeMee claps her hands and a Nothing happens. out to nothing. Eunuch places a bag of gold in 117 . front of the Witch. It spills several Princess YumYum: Princess MeeMee: (stepping forward) ...IF NECESSARY, TO PAY golden coins at her feet. AND I AM PRINCESS YOU... The Witch is fully materialized at YUMYUM OF THE GOLDEN this and points decisively to CITY! The Witch materializes right in MeeMee. front of her, fully there. For a moment, nothing happens. Witch: Witch: YOU FIRST! Then, a very faint voice fades in as TO PAY ME? the ancient witch half-materializes TO PAY ME? Princess MeeMee: beside the urn. A thin stream of PAY ME?! O ANCIENT ONE, I WISH TO green smoke from the urn curlicues REMOVE FROM MY PRINCE, around her. She has huge ears, like Princess MeeMee: THE ENCHANTMENT... 116. those of a mouse, and wears a white Prince Bubba leans out of the sari /nappy. She has white hair 7I7 ...TO REMOVE THE SPELL Palanquin and falls in a heap on the drawn into a large bun on top with ground. a red knitting needle poking WHICH HAS BEEN CAST UPON ONE WHOM I KNOW Bubba: through. She is a cross betlween a OW! mouse and a female Ghandi. TO BE A YOUNG AND HANDSOME PRINCE... MEEMEE! Witch: MEEMEE! GREETINGS... GREETINGS... The Witch takes a good look at a MeeMee runs to him. AHRHHHH... GREETINGS... very frightened Prince Bubba, then she begins to fade away again. 60 SEQ. 11.0C. The Witch jumps off the Prince’s SEQ. 11. OD. Witch: The Witcn puts her hand on knee. leg goes spastic fbr a moment Witch, gazing with delight, at the (inhaling deeply) WITH ACID Bubba’s knee, stares at him, and she and she grabs it. MeeMee. When gleaming golden treasure FUMES AND GAS COM- turns to Princess MeeMee. she lands, her She says to Princess 118. BINED, I WILL START TO BLOW MY MIND! Witch: meeMee: inside, says: Witch: MY CHILD... IT IS OBVIOUS Witch: She inhales and exhales deeply. TO ME... DIS IS MOST DEE-FEE-CULT A-H-H-H-H-H-H! FOR YOU I The fumes are of various shades of SPELL TO LEEFT... AND WILL MAKE SPECIAL PRICE green and yellow, swirling in The Witch pokes her finger into AND TAKE A SPECIAL TRIP! the Prince’s stomach and tweaks it a VERY COSTLY... patterns, making mystic symbols bit. MeeMee clasps her hands again, The Witch winds up and runs which come and go as they rise. forward, jumps in the air and lands Many of these go up her nose. Prince Bubba: and the Four Eunuchs place a large BURP! jewel-studded treasure chest in front on a trampoline in a pit, flinging Witch: her high up against the cliff where O GAS! She pulls back, turning again to of the Witch. MeeMee opens it, saying: she grabs a hanging rope and swings FIRST GAS I SNIFF TO- the Princess. around the pointing finger of the NIGHT! Witch: Princess MeeMee: OH PLEASE, GREAT WITCH! Mountain hland, shrieking like I WISH I MAY - I WISH I ...DAT HE IS VICTIM Tarzan as the camera cranes around MIGHT (popping stethoscope in her ears) with her. BLOW MY MIND OUT LIKE A OF THE DOUBLE WHAMMY. Witch: LIGHT! (more inhaling) She plonks the stethoscope on his ( shrieking) She is getting very high now. chest; pulls it off. It throbs and she A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Pointing vaguely in Bubba’s direc- Witch: A!!! tion, her eyes shut and she contin- (continuing) As she comes back around from ues: ...SPLIT INTERLINK INCAN- the other side, she blasts through a Witch: TATION WITH NEWT’S EYE- nest of bats who flap helter-skelter (continuing) IN YONDER BALLS... all over the place. Then she flies BEAST A PRINCE IS HID- She climbs aboard his knee and head-long into a large gong hanging DEN... reaches for Prince Bubba’s eye. She on the cliff. lifts it open and looks right in. His (gong): Witch: eyeball shows a silhouette of a GOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-NNNG!!! belly-dancer bumping and grinding She ricochets off the gong and to jungle rhythm. She slams his drops into a hanging basket, sup- eyelid shut and continues, to the ported on a tripod of three sticks Princess. over a cleft in the earth. With all Witch: her might, she tugs at a steering (continuing) ...AND THOU- wheel attached to the top of a pipe SAND ISLAND HEMLOCK leading into the cleft; finally, it SPELL!... turns and green gas rises through the fissure. She sniffs it. 61 SEQ. 11. DE. of breaking of glass and cursing SEQ. 11.OF Witch: 119. before she accomplishes this. Frightened and excited, Prince (laughing) HOW CAN, FROM HIM, THIS AH! -HA-HA-HO-HO-HU-HU- Witch: Bubba takes the glass and sniffs its SPELL BE RIDDEN? MYSTICAL ELIXIR! THE bouquet as the table dissolves away. HA-HA- HEEEHEEEEEEEEEE! She is swinging around in the MOST ANCIENT, CELESTIAL Prince Bubba: basket and she fishes inside her sari WINE! MMMMMMMM! NIGH... (nice) DID-DEE-WRONG-TING! for a match, gets one, and, reaching She expertly pops the cork. It hits MeeMee nods, smiling encourag- She clasps her hands over her over the side of the basket, strikes it the gong out of shot and a few bats ingly. Prince Bubba sips the wine, mouth, and, finally regaining her against the bottom of the basket. scatter. GOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OING! then takes a bigger drink, then professional compusure, peers at the She lifts the flaming match up The Witcn pays no attention, and empties the glass. There is a dra- label of the wine bottle with one before her and the gas fumes pours purple liquid, with green matic pause and the colours deepen. large, suspicious eye. Prince Bubba’s surround it: BOW-WHAAA gasses rising, into the glass. She His eyes widen, his body swells up frog-throat suddenly expands and AAAAAAAAM! There is an al- takes the knitting needle from her and he ejects a column of multi- he gives off a great mighty explosion; everything goes chignon, uses it as a wand, and the coloured flame from his mouth Prince Bubba: into black and white and the Witch table top and glass of wine appear with a roar. CROAK! rises rapidly up high on a column in front of Bubba. Cut back to the Witch, peering of gas. Prince Bubba: Witch: wo-ow-OWWWWWW myopically at the bottle. Everyone looks on, aghast. DRINK THIS! IT OUGHT TO WWWWWWW! Before the Witch, sitting on her BRING OUT THE REAL 121. mushroom cloud, appear three Cut to a full shot of Prince (tongue tangles) Bubba as he begins to experience an Witch: urns. She lobs them over the side at YOUUUFZZGRZBUB... ER...... MUST HAVE BEEN A BAD the Beast. He temporarily halfturns internal earthquake, parts distort- AH... SORRY... START ing, his colours changing - going YEAR... into different animals or parts of AGAIN! animals, i.e., alligator, rhino, frog, from dark green to light green and She tosses the bottle away, over then returns to himself. She does the whole thing again, back again. It all builds to a cre- her shoulder, and it explodes like a only this time like a television scendo. The Prince flips over and Molotov Cocktail, taking away a Prince Bubba: commercial. when he lands, he is an enormous bit of the Mountain. Cut to (shrieking) (gasp) WOW! (during —— green frog, looking very much as he YumYum, the Cobbler and the 120. did before, except that now, he is Eunuchs, ducking the explosion. changes) (returning to himself) EY AAAAAAAAH ! Witch: well and truly a frog. Cut to Small rocks are still falling. Cut to MeeMee, shocked. MeeMee, wringing her hands. HELP! MYSTICAL ELIXIR! THE MEEMEE! MOST ANCIENT CELESTIAL Princess MeeMee: Princess MeeMee: MEEMEE! WINE. DRINK THIS! IT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? OH MY POOR DARLING! OUGHT TO BRING OUT THE Cut to to Witch, up on her WHAT CAN BE DONE NOW? MeeMee embraces him. The REAL YOU! Witch, still on her mushroom cloud. She is amazed, like a small Cut to the Witch, stroking her cloud, reaches within a column of child who cannot control herself. chin and frowning. gas and brings out a red-checkered She bursts into hysterical laughter at Witch: tablecloth, a champagne glass, and a the result. MM-HMMMMM... PERHAPS... dusty bottle of wine. There is a lot TRUE LOVE’S... KISS? 62 MeeMee gingerly approaches the SEQ. 11. OG. Princess YumYum: Witch: Prince, takes his frog-face in her The Witch squints at the two OH NO! (squinting) HOW’S THAT? hands, squeezes her eyes shut, and frogs, puts the knitting needle/ Witch: kisses him. Cut to the Witch who wand behind her ear, and begins to A-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-GH! Princess YumYum: takes aim with a cupid’s bow and crack her knuckles thoughtfully. WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A OHHHHHHH! arrow with a heart for an arrow- Small shots of lightning come from MINUTE! head. SPRONG-NG-NG-NG! It her knuckles, shorting her. The Witch absently scratches her 123. shoots up in an arc and lands in Witch: head with her needle /wand and The Turkey /Prince begins flap- Princess MeeMee’s derierre. (knuckles) (snap snap snap pop shorts herself again, sparks flying ping his wings and gobbling: Princess MeeMee: snap crackle pop) wild. Prince Bubba: OOOOOOOOOO! MMMMMM... AH... LET’S SEE Witch: GOBBLE! NOW... (snap pop) MeeMee starts to vibrate as an (continuing) GOBBLE! internal earthquake overtakes her. A-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-GH! GOBBLE! 122. She jiggles like mad and - POOF! She walks up some steps in the GOBBLE! seated beside the enormous frog is a The Witch pulls the knitting mushroom cloud up to an old Witch: delicate light green lady frog with needle from behind her ear, shakes fashioned power lever a la Franken- A-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-GH! long green eyelashes. it at her other hand, and little stein - saying: NOT SO GOOD... NOT SO electrical crackles shoot out as she Prince Bubba: Witch: GOOD (in recognition) shorts herself. FORCES OF THE UNI- MAGIC DAY AND MYSTIC CROAK! Witch: VERSE! THINGS SEEM TO NIGHT The lady frog pulls out a tiny (continuing) BE GETTING WORSE! CHANGE THEM ‘TIL THEY AH! hand mirror and looks at herself She pulls the lever down, and - GET IT RIGHT! MAGIC FORCES IN THE AIR! and gasps. WHOOOOOOOOOOM! The With animated effects, the CHANGE THE CREATURES Princess MeeMee: cloud explodes and reforms as the Princess and the Prince go through SITTING THERE INTO WHAT (GASP) Witch, in a gale-force wind, runs a series of transformations, the THEY REALLY ARE! AND from cloud to cloud. Princess first, trying to lead the YumYum runs up below the MAKE SURE THEY ARE Prince, and the Prince following Witch’s cloud. SIMILAR! Witch: WHIRLING AIR AND RUSH- with scant success. Princess YumYum: The Witch flails her needle/wand DO SOMETHING! ING FIRE, TURN THEM INTO Princess YumYum: DO SOMETHING! wildly and points it at them. THEIR... (waving her wand) OH NO! Electricity crackles from her wand. DESIRE! Both Prince and Princess’ vibrate First the Princess turns into a and - POOF! ~ the Princess turns Lightning comes out of her wand Butterfly and the Prince becomes a into a beautiful unicorn. The Prince toward the Princess/Unicorn and Caterpillar. With an extra try, he is still vibrating, then - POOF! - he the Prince/Rhino. They are en- makes it to Moth. turns into an olive-green rhino. circled by a whirlwind of flames. Witch: They look at each other - the When it subsides, we see a peacock AGAIN! Princess/Unicorn in dismay, the and a turkey. Prince/Rhino bewildered. 63 Next, the Princess becomes a Witch: Prince Bubba turns back into his SEQ. 11. OH . white Mouse and the Prince, an RELAX! former self, except now he has Cut to the Witch. Elephant. The Princess becomes a Swan and sprouted wavy blonde hair and has Witch: Princess YumYum: the Prince a Duck-Billed Platypus. twinkling blue eyes. HA HA HEE! OOH! Princess YumYum: She is crouching by the chest of 124. Witch: (sigh of relief) gold, counting the goldpieces. NO! Witch: Prince and Princess look at each YumYum, the Cobbler, and the NO! FOCUS! other. Then, Princess MeeMee Four Eunuchs look on. She has AGAIN! The Princess becomes a white Cat throws her arms around Prince reverted to the attitude of a tiny The Princess becomes a white and the Prince, an overweight Bubba’s neck and says: child. She is also half her previous Seal and the Prince, a Walrus. Cheetah with messy hair. Princess MeeMee: size. Witch: OH MY PRINCE! YOU’RE SO Witch: 125. CHANGE AGAIN WRONG! HANDSOME! The Princess becomes a white The Princess becomes a Deer and Prince Bubba: Witch: the Prince, a Moose. I AM? (counting) FOURTEEN! Rabbit and the Prince, a greenish TOUSAND-AND-EIGHT! Kangaroo. Witch: Princess MeeMee: WRONG AGAIN! TWENTY-SIX! Witch: WELL... SORT OF... TEN! DO IT AGAIN! The Princess becomes a white Cockatoo and the Prince, a Dodo Princess YumYum: The Princess becomes a Koala O MAD AND HOLY OLD Bear and the Prince, a big Bruin. running around with little quick steps. WITCH... Witch: Witch looks as if to say, “Oh it’s Witch: ONE MORE TIME! nothing. . .” (thoroughly exasperated) The Princess becomes a white OH, HORSEFEATHERS! Monkey and the Prince, a Gorilla. Princess YumYum: The Princess becomes a white YOU HAVE BROUGHT MY Witch: SISTER HAPPINESS... I ONE MORE TIME! Pegasus Horse and the Prince becomes a broken-down plough- THINK. The Princess turns into a Poodle horse, covered in feathers. The NOW! MY FATHER SAID and the Prince, a laughing Hyena. Witch, realizing a connection YOU COULD TELL US HOW Prince Bubba: between her command and their THE CITY CAN BE SAVED! HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH- transformation, shouts: TELL US HAH-HAH-HAH! Witch: The Witch looks blankly over her Witch: (snapping her knuckles) shoulder at YumYum and the ( exasperated) I’VE GOT IT! I’VE GOT IT! Cobbler. CONCENTRATE! PRINCESS! Princess YumYum: The Princess becomes a Zebra (MeeMee turns back into herself) HOW CAN OUR CITY BE and the Prince, a Mule. HANDSOME PRINCE! SAVED? The Witch peers at them oddly. 64 Princess YumYum: Cut away to a long shot of the TWENTY-TWO! SIXTEEN- THE WAY WE CAME IN! OUR CITY IS GOING TO BE Mountain and a blackened desert TOUSAND-AND-TIRTY! LET’S GO OUT THE WAY WE UNDER ATTACK! and sky. An electrical thunderstorm TREE!... CAME IN TO GO OUT! The Witch becomes very serious is engulfing the top of the Moun- She is getting tinier by the sec- and stops counting the money. The tain with great flashing and rum- ond, going down to almost noth- 127. colours darken as she mutters to bling. Cut to the Cobbler’s party, ing. Shots of rocks coming unstuck Brigands: herself: hurrying away, leaving the and falling. Lightning shots. Shots NOW WHICH WAY DO WE Witch: Palanquin behind as they duck of Brigands dodging boulders and GO? ATTACK? ATTACK... AH... falling rocks. An earthquake begins. running all over each other in THE WAY YOU CAME IN! ATTACK... A... TACK... Cut to the Brigands and Camel, terrible confusion as they race down THE WAY YOU CAME IN The Witch stands up. She is ducking rocks. They’re howling the stairs. The Cobbler’s party has IS OUT! by now joined the Brigands. Prince AND OUT IS THE WAY IN! becoming physically much larger 126. and more dignified. She is turning Bubba is bumping down the stairs BUT WE’RE GOING OUT! into the great witch of the old days. as, from their point of view, we on his bottom, like a small child. Cut to the Thief, as we hear In a very quiet voice, she says: see boulders and pieces of the Prince Bubba: rumbling noises from above. He is Mountain crash down toward Witch: (howling) walking toward us, his robe in YOUR CITY IS IN GRAVE them. I WANT TO GO H-O-O-O-O-O- shreds. On one foot, he still has a DANGER! SOON IT WILL BE Cut to a long shot of the Moun- O-ME! spring, which he tries to kick off as UNDER ATTACK! tain top. The hand at the top turns Everybody runs like crazy down he stamps in anger. The spring into a clenched fist and the whole the shaking spiral staircase, I which causes him to rise and fall crazily. She holds out a pointing finger, Mountain looks as if it is about to shaking so badly it points at every- is all electrified with static electric- He is paying no attention to the take off or fall to pieces at any ity. Everyone is getting ‘shorted’ all noises. When a boulder lands beside one at once. Her hair has begun to second. blowout behind her as the wind the time. him, then another and another, he The clenched fist then turns into barely notices. rises. She is still enlarging, now a pointing hand, indicating the way Brigands: attaining heroic proportions. HELP! Cut to the Mountain Doors home. BEGOD! opening as the Brigands and the Witch: Cut to the old Witch, close-up, (voice rising) THERE IS ONE WE'RE DONE FOR! Cobbler and the Camel and the shrinking down again to her previ- LET'S BE GONE! Princesses, the Prince and the Four HERE WHO CAN SAVE THE ous size and proportions, com- CITY! RUN! Eunuchs all tumble down, yelling. pletely absorbed in counting her MEN! As soon as the last one is through, There is a great darkening and money which is flashing gold and RUN! the Doors close. flashing. The Witch points into the shorting her fingers. Small lightning RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ’TIS distance as the wind lashes around bolts shoot around at random. She THE BIG WIND THAT NOW her. She is like a giant. takes no notice; she is again like a HAS CAUGHT UP WITH US! Witch: tiny child playing with her treasure. IT’S FIERCE! WE’LL BE ALL (shouting) Witch: RIGHT WHEN WE CAN GET GO HOME! FIVE-TOUSAND-AND-TWO! OUT NOW! HOW DO WE GET NO-O-O-O-W-W-W-W! TWENTY-SEVEN! EIGHT- OUT HERE NOW? TOUSAND-AND-NINE! FIVE!

65 SEQ. 11.1. Brigand: Prince Bubba: Roofless: They are all rushing around, AND THAT’S THE BEGIN- AND WE FORGOT THE WE’LL HAVE YOU HOME colliding into each other when NING AND THE ENDING OF PALANQUIN! BEFORE YOU KNOW IT! IT ALL! MOUNT UP! suddenly they stop and look up. Roofless: Everything above is totally calm. Sgt Hook: PERMISSION TO SPEAK, Everyone looks at the Camel. Cut to a long shot of the Desert WHAT ARE WE GOIN’ TO DO YER MAJESTY... ER... YER The Camel’s face takes on a Mountain as it was when we first NOW? MAJESTIES... “who-me?” expression. saw it, except that now the sun is Roofless and Hook link hands setting. Perfect calm - long shad- Princess YumYum: Princess YumYum: together as a QUIET - YOU MEN! THE WHAT IS IT, ROOFLESS? 129. ows. WITCH SAYS ONE OF US Cut to the Cobbler looking up Roofless: step and the Princesses get on the HERE CAN SAVE THE CITY! NOT MEANING TO BRAG. . . and around him bewildered, the WE MUST MAKE HASTE Camel. Prince Bubba is left stand- two Princesses and the new “hand- BUT IF THERE’S ONE THING ing. AND RETURN AT ONCE! MESELF AND ME MEN ARE some” Prince Bubba all looking at 128. Prince Bubba: each other as if to say ‘did it really GOOD AT! BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? happen?’ Obviously, it did, because Roofless: The Brigands all grunt enthusias- of the Prince’s semi-transformation. RIGHT, YER MAJESTY! tically. Roofless: WHERE ARE WE GOING? THE PRINCE, MEN, THE Goolie: Princess YumYum: PRINCE... WHAT IN THE WORLD HAP- ...ER... GOOD AT? PENED? Brigands: Goolie: Roofless: WHERE DID WE COME THE PRINCE? Hook: MAKIN’ A GETAWAY... FROM?! THE PRINCE, TO BE SURE... WAS IT ALL A DREAM? WE’RE GOOD AT MAKIN A IT IS THE PRINCE HIMSELF! GETAWAY! Brigand: Brigand: ...AND WHAT DOES IT ALL Goolie: I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER Goolie: MEAN? AND ISN’T HE LOOKING ASK! AYE, RUNNING! WELL! WE’RE GOOD AT RUNNING! Roofless: Another Brigand: I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER (raspberry) IT’S QUITE POSSIBLE... Hook: They lift Prince Bubba piggy- ASK! ...RUNNING - AWAY! Brigand: back onto a particularly enormous, WHAT IS IT THEN? Another Brigand: Brigand: frightening-looking Brigand as the OURS NOT TO REASON AYE! Prince protests. Brigand: WHY... IF IT’S NOT A DREAM. . . Brigand: Prince Bubba: Cut to the Camel, raising his eyes AYE! BUT... BUT... Brigand: to heaven. IT’S BEFORE WE WENT IN! Roofless takes the Cobbler under Princess MeeMee: Brigand: RUNNIN’ AWAY! one giant arm, like a football, and Brigand: ( impatiently) shouts: AND AFTER WE CAME OUT! IT’S A LONG WAY BACK TO Brigands all grunt enthusiastically. Roofless: (shouting) THE CITY! B R IGA-A-A-A-ANDS! FALL IN! 66 All the Brigands line up shoulder SEQ. 11.2. EARTHQUAKE! NONE back his injured hands, his eye to shoulder, taking various start Dissolve to close-up of flames SHALL ESCAPE! flickering and his fingers moving. positions like football players, filling the screen. and we see a ZigZag: (laughing) He smiles. swimmers, racers of various sorts. standing brazier/torch. The Mighty AND HERE... ZigZag: Roofless paces in front of them, the One-Eye lies back on his throne of He pokes again - again evoking a OH OH OOOH AHA! Cobbler under his arm. purple women, which is now in a giggle. Cut to the Mighty One-Eye, reclining position. ZigZag is sitting Roofless: ZigZag: (continuing) leaning forward. WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL on a large pillow IS A SECRET WAY... Mighty One-Eye: YOU WILL ADVANCE TO Pull back across from him. 130. UNDER THE MOAT... AND YOU SHALL RIDE AT THE GOLDEN CITY AT FULL TO ENTER THE PALACE... THE FRONT! ... SPEED WITHOUT STOP- Between them is a table which is AND SLIT EVERY THROAT! PING! GET READY - GET comprised of three more women Cut to ZigZag. SET- on hands and knees with their Mighty One-Eye: Mighty One-Eye: bottoms together so that their THE CITY SHALL BE (continuing) GO! backs form the table. Across their ROASTED ON A SPIT! ...SORCERER. . . Cut to an overhead long-shot. To backs is laid a leather map of the (demonstrating with both hands Close-up on ZigZag’s face as the the left, the sun is going down. Golden Land, revealing in slight round a pair of buttocks, he shows smile falls off it. Behind the Brigands is the Moun- bas-relief the curves of the women how the army will form.) under it. The Three Golden Balls SMOKE SHALL FILL THE tain, throwing a long shadow. In SKIES! AND THERE WILL BE front of the Mountain is the stand on a spike in the foreground. ZigZag is winking and blinking, A FLOOD horizontal line of the Brigands, A FLOOD OF BLOOD! throwing enormous shadows. trying to give himself the appear- When Roofless says “GO! , all the ance of being really a kind of one- ZigZag: Brigands take off, running like eye person - sympathetic reaction. THEIR SOLDIERS WILL crazy, shrieking and howling. Slow ZigZag: (laughing) COWER BEHIND THESE dissolve. HUM HUM HUM HEE HEE WALLS... AND HERE IS THE WEAK WHEN THEY SEE THAT WE POINT IN THE WALL OF THE HAVE THE THREE GOLDEN CITY... BALLS! He pokes a certain point of the (ZigZag is laughing encouragingly map and evokes a giggle from throughout) under the map. 131. ZigZag: (continuing) SHALL WE TRAMPLE AND Mighty One-Eye: BREAK IT AND NOT SHOW TOMORROW I STRIKE! PITY? On this last line, the Mighty One-Eye smashes his fists down Mighty One-Eye: I SAY WHO LIVES AND WHO onto ZigZag’s hands. The table DIES! I SHALL MAKE AN jiggles and shrieks and ZigZag pulls 67 SEQ. 11.3. SEQ. 11. 4. King Nod: (cracking) SEQ. 11.5. Dissolve to the middle of the Dissolve in - sunrise over the DEATH AND DESTRUC- Dissolve in to a side-shot of the night, with everything visible in the Golden City. The golden sun TION... MY CITY WILL FALL massive Brigands, still running at blue moonlight, a side shot of the illuminates the Palace from the lilac TO DESTRUCTION AND full speed, sand flying. They are in mass of Brigands, running like shadows. The camera moves in and DEATH... WHERE ARE THE lilac shadow, but the sky is lit up as crazy, dust flying - a football team we dissolve to the City wall. GOLDEN BALLS? WHERE the morning sun is just about to in mid-charge and a Camel. Prince At each crenel of the top of the ARE THE GOLDEN BALLS?! break on them. They are still Bubba is being thrown, like an wall, a Golden City soldier stands, WHERE ARE THE GOLDEN throwing Prince Bubba back and enormous football from one to lit by the morning sun. The soldiers BALLS!!! forth. another. Various Brigands shout, as wait. We pan left to see several of Various Brigands: 133. they pass the Prince back and forth. them, then dissolve as we pan right (passing the Prince back and forth Various Brigands: along another group, and then The King suddenly stops pacing and shouting) MY TURN! MY TURN! dissolve again, and pan left along as we hear a distant rumble, the PASS HIM OVER HERE! THE OVER HERE! another group. We see a window sound of an advancing army and PRINCE! TO ME AGAIN! LET ME HAVE HIM! with Goblet, Gopher, Slap and heavy machinery. The King rushes THE PRINCE HIMSELF! PASS HIM TO ME! Tickle very worried indeed. Truck onto his balcony. HERE HE COMES! WELL- THE PRINCE! THE PRINCE! into the King’s window and we see Cut to a long-shot from the CAUGHT, ME BOY! KEEP GOING LADS OR a top shot of King Nod, wringing King’s point of view, looking down Prince Bubba: (howling and whin- WE’LL END UP WHERE WE his hands, pacing back and forth, and across the Golden City at his ing) STARTED! addressing his troop commanders army, stationed at the wall. Across HELP MEEMEE! MEEMEE! The Prince is howling and who are scurrying about receiving the river and the great plain, which MEEMEE! whining throughout. his commands. They take his is still in violet shadow, are the commands and leave. foothills. There is a tiny, golden Roofless: (still carrying the Cobbler Prince Bubba: King Nod: gleam in the shadows. under his arm, shouts) MEEMEE! MEEMEE! FASTER!! FASTER, YOU HELP! HELP MEEMEE! YOU TAKE THE RIGHT The camera zooms forward like a FLANK! YOU TAKE THE telephoto lens shot to a close-up of FOOLS! ! There is a shot of the Cobbler LEFT FLANK! RIGHT TUR- the cleft of the last of the foothills. FASTER!! FASTER!! under Boozdil’s arm. They have RET! GATE! DRAWBRIDGE! The Three Golden Balls rise up never slowed down. They run past YOU TAKE THE WOMEN, from the cleft into the sunlight and us and as the thunder and their CHILDREN, SAFE IN THE advance on an extremely tall pike. stampede dies away in the distance, TEMPLE! As the pike rises into the sky, the we hear laboured breathing and the OLD PEOPLE One-Eye emblem comes into view, sound of flies. 132. MEDICAL CORPS! READY hanging beneath the golden balls. It THE PHYSICIANS! is enormous and continues to rise Pan back and we pick up the Thief, a All run out leaving the King into the sky. Throughout this, the dishevelled wreck with bursting lungs. sound of the One-Eye army and He still wears half a spring on one foot alone, who looks straight up in the camera. machinery is building to a cre- and it gives him a little extra bounce as scendo. hr pumps his arms and falls, gets up and runs on. Slow dissolve. 68 SEQ. 11. 6. Within the machinery, archers, One-Eye women: SEQ. 11. 7. Dissolve to the Great Plain. horsemen, footsoldiers, spear- HAW! Dissolve to a front-shot of the On the plain, in front of the carriers, drummers, engines, all have HAW! Brigands all running toward us, like their allotted place. Everything is HEE! a head-on shot of a cavalry charge. 134. HEE! black - all the One-Eye machinery Roofless: foothills, an enormous black war and all the One-Eye soldiers, save HAW! ‘HAW! I SEE IT, PRINCESSES! ’TIS contraption is being set up. Golden for their yellow eyes, and the One- Cut to ZigZag’s black steed, THE CITY ITSELF!.. ’TIS TWO Balls and the One-Eye emblem are Eye emblem and the Golden Balls. rearing back and ZigZag, trying to CITIES! raised above it all. The One-Eye ZigZag sits on a nervously pacing calm the horse, smiles and nods Sgt Hook: Army in black armour, like beetles, horse, isolated in front of the huge back at the Mighty One-Eye. Cut ’TIS ONE BLACK AND ONE with one yellow eye, ride Horses, army-machine construction. The to the ramparts of the Golden City GOLD! Camels, Elephants, Yaks and Oxen. One-Eye Army is mostly within the wall. Demoralized, every soldier The soldiers look as if they’re made machinery itself. stands with his mouth hanging Cut to the Brigands’ view, their of metal - alien - dehumanized. Cut to a close-up of ZigZag open. Cut to the people - women, horizon falling and rising as they Everything takes place with clinical looking over his shoulder at the top old men, children, awestruck. Cut run, with the top half of the two precision as a vast, interlocking of the hill. Cut to the Mighty One- to Goblet, Gopher, Slap and Tickle, “cities” visible - one black and one machine of death is being con- Eye, looking down at the scene terrified. Cut to King Nod standing gold. structed. Enormous Leonardo da below. Much of it is so high, it is on his balcony with his mouth Cut to a front-shot of Roofless Vinci-type machinery is being almost horizontal with him. He is hanging open. with the Cobbler under his left brought up and placed in tiers. It is sitting on all of his women with the arm. At his left is the Camel with a like a giant, complex machine, non- female map-table in front of him. Princess leaning from each side. human, efficient and clinical in the His standards are posted around Princess MeeMee: extreme - a combination of ma- him, and they are cracking and IT MUST BE THE ONE-EYES! chinery and human phalanz - a flapping in the morning brreze. He Princess YumYum: terraced army. It is made up of shouts through an enormous HURRY, PLEASE! things like catapults the size of Tibetan horn /megaphone set on a houses, crossbows big enough to stand down to Zig Zag: shoot trees, windmill-driven seige Mighty One-Eye: machinery, assault towers with TH IS IS ONE-EYE MAG IC mobile platforms, hoists, battering SORCERER! rams, cranking systems, springs, HAW! gears, turrets, trebuchets, HAW! mangonels, crushing and mashing HAW! machines, enormous pincers, giant The Mignty One-Eye gives out a scissors, ropes and pulleys, slings, great guffaw. His women-furniture spears, cranes, scaling machines, join in. multiple cannon, boiling oil appara- 135. tus, bellows - a Hieronymous Bosch/Rube Goldberg death machine of epic construction. 69 SEQ. 12.0. In front of all this, in medium scaling machines like fireman’s overhead and cast a shadow over the Cut back to ZigZag at the front long-shot, leading it all, ZigZag’s ladders, catapults loaded with Golden City and the plain. From of the machine as the last pulleys, horse, reflecting ZigZag’s anxiety, boulders being pulled back, fire- between the clouds, the sun strikes hoists and paraphernalia are being prances wild-eyed, erratically. The blowing bellows being manned, the Brigands’ running formation locked into place. The drums stop enormous moving gantry of inter- mammoth cross-bows being and they run like a beam of light rolling and there is an ominous locking machines and men advances cranked tight - loaded with trees - onto the battle plain. Cut to the silence. Cut to the Mighty One- behind him. battering rams moving into posi- Brigands coming to a halt - some Eye, shouting through his horn. Cut to a long top-shot showing tion, elephants dressed with spiked sliding, some falling, some tackling Mighty One-Eye: the entire terrain machine advancing leg-irons moving forward, enor- each other - total confusion. From ONE-EYES!! ! slowly across the plain and the mous pincers starting to move their point of view, the War Ma- A-TTACK! ! Brigands, approaching the war as 137. chine approaches with relentless tiny dots, fast from the Great together and apart. precision. One-Eye Women: Desert toward the breach. There is nothing of humanity in (shrieking in echo) Roofless: A-TTACK! ! the heavily armoured soldiers, they LADIES TO THE REAR! Cut to a front-shot of the Brig- move like automatons and chant in Generals: ands running toward us. monotone. Princess YumYum 136. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Sgt Hook: One-Eye Soldiers: A-TTACK! ! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- Princess MeeMee: Enormous horns and organs blast, LIKES OF THAT! TTACK! INDEED! one-eyed men leap on giant drums, YumYum and MeeMee step in A Hoof-handed Brigand: Foot soldiers with small catapult making thunder. There is the sound A FIGHT AT LAST! AND apparatus and lances have moved front forming a spearhead for the of great gears starting to grind and ISN’T IT LOOKING WELL! past Zigzag, but he still rides above motley inept phalanx behind them. elephants trumpeting, horses them as they make a kind of arrow Prince Bubba: whinnying, medieval organs dron- Goolie: ( RA Z Z) in front of him. (trying to look brave) ing, and a low chant begins among Thunder begins as we cut to the MEEMEE BRAVE! the troops, relentless, mechanical. Roofless: Mighty One-Eye on the hill, dry The Cobbler stands next to One-Eye Army: ONCE MORE INTO THE lightning flashing in the hills YumYum, and behind are the A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- BREACH, BOYS! behind him. Sitting on his throne Brigands trying to look formidable. TTACK-A-TTACK... Brigands: of women, he bounces heavily up The Camel sees the odds, shakes his The tank-like mechanisms are CHAR-R-R-R-R-GE!! ! and down, banging parts of the head, and walks away out of the being propelled forward by men Cut to the machine of death, human upholstery with his fists as line of fire. The One-Eyes come walking inside huge wheel drums. more parts coming into launching he chants with his army. His closer. The “attack” drone contin- Scythe-like cutters begin to lacerate positions. The drone, “A-TTACK- women squeal and laugh bawdily! ues. The camera pulls back and we the earth. Advance guards begin to A-TTACK” relentlessly increases as Mighty One-Eye: see the entire machine through a whirl maces in both hands, ritualis- the gantry slowly gathers momen- A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- telescope. The telescope pans down, tically as they walk forward. One- tum. TTACK! goes in closer and we see the Eye footsoldiers advance, carrying Cut to different sections of the Cut to a top-shot of the entire huddled group of defenders - the massive cross-bows and great spears. machine getting ready to go into terrain once more. The clouds from Princesses prominent. The sky darkens. operation: pivoting assault towers, behind the foothills have spread 70 Cut to King Nod putting down Roofless: Close-up of YumYum yelling to Cut to the Cobbler dazed, the telescope. HUT-ONE-HUT-TWO-HUT - the Cobbler: scratching his head, and the Brig- 138. THREE! Princess YumYum:1 ands behind him, still switching King Nod: On “three”, the Brigands all COME BACK! positions. OH MY GOD! change positions. The drone of the COME BACK! Roofless: (v.c.) MY DAUGHTERS! One-Eyes continues under. Cut to the Mighty One-Eye: HUT-SEVENTEEN-HUT- EIGHTEEN-HUT~NINETEEN! He bolts out the door, followed One-Eyes: (v.o.) Mighty One-Eye: by his guards. Cut back to A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- Zoom in on the Cobbler’s face, YumYum, MeeMee, Bubba, TTACK! TTACK! looking at ZigZag. Cut to the Cobbler and Brigands taking tiny Cut to the Mighty One-Eye. Cut to the Thief, who comes moving gantry and ZigZag closer cautious steps toward the Machine. Mighty One-Eye: reeling onto the battlefield, still a in, staring at the Cobbler. Cut to the Cobbler, from his view A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- bit of spring on his foot - a shred- Cut to the Cobbler in close-up. the Machine comes closer, larger, TTACK! ded, gasping wreck. Suddenly, he Roofless: louder. Cut to the Cobbler, suddenly freezes and looks up. HUT-TWENTY-HUT-THIRTY- Cut to the running King tearing apart from the others. As if in a Cut to the black sky and the HUT-FORTY! down the streets, followed by his dream he is walking towards the sunlight upon the Three Gold The "A-TTACK-A-TTACK" soldiers. Death Machine in front of the line Balls, shining and glowing magi- chant is booming and we hear, as if King Nod: of Brigands as they again change cally. Cut to a close-up of the Thief in the Cobbler's mind, the voice of OH MY GOD! MY DAUGH- positions at Roofless’ signal. as his head raises up slightly, the the narrator at the beginning of the TERS! HELP ME! HELP ME Roofless: (v.o.) Three Gold Balls panning past in story, echoing: HELP THEM! HUT-FOUR-HUT-FIVE-HUT- his eyes - a similar shot to the first Narrator: (v.o.) MY CHILDREN! SIX! time he saw the balls. Cut to the 140. This is a longish shot, showing The Cobbler starts in surprise as front of the approaching gantry. A...TACK... A... TACK... the townspeople joining in, carrying he sees ZigZag in front of the One-Eye Soldiers: A...TACK... picks and shovels, brooms, pots and advancing Death Machine. A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- Also echoing in the Cobbler’s pans. The camera pulls back to Close-up of ZigZag’s face in some TTACK! mind is the voice of the Witch. reveal how hopeless the King’s surprise as he, in turn, sees the Cut to the still advancing Cob- ATTACK... ATTACK... A rescue attempt will be - they are too Cobbler advancing alone towards bler, the Brigands still switching TACK... A...TACK... far away. The daughters are within the Machine. Cut to Zigzag’s view. positions behind him. minutes of being massacred. Witch: Three hundred yards away, we see Roofless: (v.o.) Cut to the Cobbler’s face in close- Cut to the Princesses, YumYum the HUT-FOURTEEN-HUT- shouting: 139. up with a far-away expression in his FIFTEEN-HUT-SIXTEEN! eyes. Princess YumYum: standing Cobbler, and the Brig- Cut to the approaching gantry, a FORMATION MEN! Roofless: (v.o.) ands switching around. little closer in so we see ZigZag HUT-FIFTY-HUT-SIXTY-HUT- The Brigands form up into one Zoom in to the Cobbler in close clearly. SEVENTY! long American football scrimmage up. The drone continues under and One-Eye Soldiers: Pull back from the Cobbler’s face line, in on-line position waiting for the crescendo builds as they come A-TTACK-A-TTACK-A- Roofless’ signal. closer and closer. and he is feeling absently in his TTACK! . . . pockets. The narrator’s voice in the 71 Cobbler’s mind is becoming louder thong, wraps it around his fingers, boiling oil and landing on a massive drop nearby. Elephants, horses, now. loads it with one tack and aims it at cross-bow which fires a tree hard oxen, yaks and camels stampede Cut to the front of the moving ZigZag. into the base of an assault tower, into the hills, causing even more gantry and the approaching OneEye Narrator: ramming the mobile platform into pandemonium. Groups of One-Eye Army and zoom into ZigZag's (echo) the enormous pincers which crush soldiers fly into the air, followed by smiling proudly now. He looks as if ATTACK... A TACK... A it. groups of arrows, which prong he's going to personally run the TACK... A... TACK! Relentlessly, the machine starts to them in mid-flight. Cobbler down. The One-Eye chant HUT-EIGHTY -FOUR-HUT - destroy itself from the inside, is deafening now. EIGHTY -FIVE-HUT - collapsing from within. Guns go 142. One-Eye Soldiers: EIGHTYSIX! off the wrong way, arrows shoot We never see the blood and gore A- TT ACK-A- T ACK-A- TT 141. into their own men. Once set in because we cut away as soldiers ACK! . . . The Cobbler fires the tack motion, nothing can be done to explode, etc. They are now profes- From ZigZag’s point of view, we SPRONG!.. stop it. Everything reacts on every- sional objects of destruction, zoom across the remaining yardage It misses ZigZag but hits a shield thing else - all based on momen- destroying themselves. Everything is to a mid-shot of the Cobbler. - PING - then ricochets round the tum, gravity, and recoil. Men are entirely mechanical and balletic. In inside tubing of a huge trumpet and flung into the air, skewering each the middle of all this, the Thief Narrator: other in a balletic dance of death. appears. He is on stilts from the (echoing) ricochets again, striking a visor, then A... TACK... A... TACK... A... a spearhead, then up to a sharp IBeliows inflate men with air. It is a legs of a destroyed seige tower. He TACK... spoon-shaped pincer, and boomer- symphony of self-destruction, built is after the Golden Balls. As the angs straight into ZigZag’s horse’s on chain reactions. The forward pike holding the balls is sucked Witch: arse. The horse rears up in pain. thrust of the machine starts to grind down into the machine, the Thief (echoing) to a halt as the collapse proceeds. gets one ball. Then he gets his stilts ATTACK? ZigZag’s lance goes down, goosing a foot-soldier in front of him, On the hilltop, the Mighty One- blown out from under him, falls in ATTACK... AH... ATTACK... Eye is going crazy as he sees the a heap onto a spring as a catapult A... TACK... whose drawn blade lurches forward, cutting the rope on a small catapult, most powerful army ever made goes off, firing him up into the air Roofless: (v .0.) which throws a small rock back destroying itself from within and he toward the remaining two balls. As HUT-EIGHTY-ONE-HUT-EIG over ZigZag’s head into the Ma- can do nothing to stop it. he flies up, in the centre of the HTY- TWO-HUT-EIGHTY- chine. The rock cuts through a Mighty One-Eye: screen, two soldiers with spears THREE! release-rope of another machine (screaming in frustration) come from either side of the screen Cut to ZigZag in front of the catapult, which flings a larger rock, ATTACKATTACKATTACK and the Thief flies right between moving gantry -- a fast zoom in on which cuts through the rope of ATTACKATTACKATTACK!!! them a split second before they ZigZag and horse, ready to trample another machine catapult, which Cut to the King and footsoldiers skewer each other and drop. The the Cobbler. The Cobbler rises flies a much larger rock back, outside the City walls, stopping in Thief picks up the second ball as he from his customary bent posture cutting through the release-rope of their tracks as they see the devasta- passes over and goes down into the and we see for the first time that he four catapults further back in the tion. In front of the destruction, destruction again. He flies around is a tall man. The horse, startled by machine. The four rocks fly for- the Cobbler stands, frozen as the the centre of the machine, but he this rears up. ward, releasing one huge rock, Brigands race around doing their has a charmed life this time, and Zoom in to full-shot of the which flies back landing on a spring football routine while bits of passes through the most dreadful Cobbler. He pulls out a leather mechanism, firing it up, spilling machinery and One-Eye soldiers chaos unscathed. He rides catapults, shoots through circus rings of fire, 72 flying trapezes, rides bareback on Mighty One-Eye: SEQ. 13.0. he draws another smaller circle elephants, bounces off trampolines, MAGICIAN-A-A-A-A-A-A-N! Cut back to the Mighty One-Eye, within the first, where he stands etc. THIS IS YOUR FAULT! still raging on the hilltop. himself. Cut to a medium close- THOSE STOLEN GOLDEN The Thief lands on the handles of Mighty One-Eye: shot of ZigZag full figure. He rolls a giant bellows, just cut from its BALLS WERE BA-A-A-D MAGICIA-A-A-A-A-A-A-N! his eyes back into his head and goes rope, and flies back up as if from a LUCK! MAKE YOUR MAGIC OR I’LL into incantations. As he speaks, he giant diving board. As he goes up, a Cut to the Thief at the edge of MAKE YOUR DEATH! throws down sulphur clouds which regiment comes from each side, the rubble. Unseen, he has the Cut to ZigZag in terror. The billow forth in green smoke around skewering each other just after he Golden Balls’ cradled in his smoul- noise has subsided and stopped. him. passes through. dering robe and is creeping back The Brigands are standing quite ZigZag: The Thief grabs the third ball and toward the City. still, unable to work out what has (continuing) disappears again into the raging happened. The Cobbler still stands, DEVILS OF THE LOWER mechanical inferno below, spins frozen, in awe. They all look at REGIONS! around turnstiles, gear-wheels ZigZag. DEMONS OF THE DARKEST missing death between pincers, He takes off his cap, pulls it NIGHT! shooting across the top of boiling inside-out and it telescopes up to a BY THE POWER OF YOUR oil, just missing blasts of fire caused tall point - a white sorcerer’s hat LEGIONS, by exploding bellows, etc. with magical symbols on it. Then I COMMAND THAT DAY BE Cut to a top long-shot of the ZigZag pulls out and puts on white NIGHT! One-Eye War Machine. shoes with magical symbols drawn It is subsiding into the ground, on them. He brings out a white 144. scooping out its own hole and wand, then runs around the entire Everything darkens perceptibly. covering itself up with its colossal destroyed army, drawing a large The green sulphur gas has entirely rollers and mashing and crushing circle in the earth. We see this in covered the ashes of the One-Eye machines. ZigZag his been unseated top-shot. As ZigZag runs, he War Machine in a great circle, a lake from his horse and stands helplessly shouts: of green smoke. at the front. The Cobbler also ZigZag: Commanding the elements, he stands, frozen, awestruck. The ASHTEROTH! speaks again. Brigands are still leaping about, ADRAMALEK! ZigZag: changing positions. ASMODEUS! (continuing) THUNDER! Cut to the back of the Cobbler’s BAAL! LlGHTNING! head and we see ZigZag from his BAELZEBUB! WIND! point of view, standing in front of BELTHEGOR! AND RAIN! the smouldering, destroyed mass of LILITH! (Thunder rolls) (A bolt of light- machinery, mud, steam and ashes. LUCIFER! Cut to the Mighty One-Eye, ning strikes the edge of the circle) MOLOCH! (The wind rises) (There is rain bellowing through his Tibetan SATHANAS! horn, crazy with rage. around the circle but not inside it) As ZigZag finished the circle (The circle sets itself afire) 143. around the broken war machinery, FIRE! WATER! 73 (The rain around the outer edge ing from big bits, parts unsqueezing The Cobbler reaches down and from horrid to weird, to goofy, to of the circle intensifies) (We hear like giant toothpaste, growing, picks up a stick, ties a tack, sharp depressed. With a tremendous shrieking and howling but we uncoiling, growing. A giant mid- end out, on the end, like a spear, hissing, the Dragon is collapsing. cannot see where it comes from) section of guts splops out from and, as the Dragon towers over 146. BLOOD AND PAIN! beneath, swelling up. From it him, belching smoke and snorting Cut to ZigZag at the back of the BRING THE DEAD TO LIFE unboils a huge python-like neck fire, he steps forward to meet it. deflating Dragon, pumping an old- AGAIN! section. It seems to have a head The Dragon’s huge feet come fashioned bellows and running Within the circle, where the ashes which is evolving and rotating as it toward him and he strikes it in the from pump to pump, making new of the One-Eye Soldiers lay, there is uncoils towards us, growing and toe. There is a terrible hissing and growths wherever he can.But the an earthguake as if the dead soldiers expanding. The gases roar and hiss yellow-green gas comes out, almost whole edifice is caving in on itself. would come right up from the and the creature is spreading in all suffocating the Cobbler. The The Cobbler still does not know ground. Fire and smoke steam directions. Cobbler is coughing, but he contin- what is happening and thinks the through crevasses in the earth, then ues to strike at the enveloping Dragon is falling on him - which, a single green tentacle shoots across 145. Dragon. As the feet come toward in fact, it is. the ground. Then another flashes Suddenly there is an enormous him, or try to step on him, the He is at his wit’s end, running across, then, from the slits in the roar of steam, fire and wind, and Cobbler strikes them and they split around trying to get out from earth, a series of enormous tentacles the whole apparition leaps up into into multiple spinning eels. All the under the collapsing material and leap and shoot out criss-crossing, the air to an enormous height like a while, parts of the Dragon are noxious gas and tripping over the making a live meshed grid across gigantic kite or tent taking the expanding and swelling. war debris. He finally realizes what the army ruins. All the while, the wind. Hovering above us is a fully- It seems to have a sea of snake- has happened, and he turns to face gaseous yellow-green steam is formed gigantic oriental Dragon like guts surrounding it which keep ZigZag back at the tail. ZigZag is increasing. The earth rumbles again, with giant wings. It cracks and enveloping the Cobbler. He chokes still desperately pumping, trying to and a horrid pile of soft guts leaps snaps like an enormous tent in a on the gas and one foot of the look fierce. But he only looks out from the crevasses onto the gale. The Brigands are frozen in Dragon deflates like a tent of flesh, pathetic. The cobbler is amazed. living mesh. Then another large terror. Even the Mighty One-Eye is falling on him, trapping him He looks from ZigZag to the chunk of quivering entrails jumps aghast. The Dragon is now even underneath. Brigands, to the shredded, collapsed out of the ground, followed by larger than the War Machine and it He goes wild with fear and tears balloon. another, and another, larger and begins to advance toward the his way out. The Cobbler stabs Cut to the Mighty One-Eye on larger. Where the horror of the Cobbler. Cut to the Cobbler, another foot- more gas escapes and the hilltop. He is shaking his fist as Death Machine was based on resolutely glued to the spot. Close- the foot collapses. But another foot he screams at ZigZag. hardness and sharpness, weight and up of the Cobbier and we hear the grows out just above it, to replace Mighty One-Eye: immovable resistance, this creation loop of sound in his mind again - the first. This new foot traps him (screaming) or creature is based on the awfulness the voice of the narrator: on his back. In the ground and the NO MAN FAILS THE MIGHTY of primaeval softness. The feeling is Narrator: Dragon leans forward. Cut to the ONE-EYE AND LIVES! that of stepping on something soft A...TACK A...TACK... Cobbler’s point of view as the chest A...TACK. As the Mighty One-Eye screams, and wet in the middle of the night. and head come down toward him. he screams so loudly that he ends in It is like a slaughterhouse of He sees a clearly-labelled heart on a coughing fit. Stepping back, steaming entrails, uncoiling and the Dragon’s chest and heaves his reaching for his women-throne, he multiplying in sections, covering tack-spear into it. There is an feels nothing there. He turns the entire ground, little bits uncoil- explosion. The Dragon’s face goes 74 around, and sees his purple women ZigZag hurls down one last green SEQ. 13.1 148. standing with their arms crossed, smoke bomb and disappears behind Cut to ZigZag, hidden behind a ZigZag: staring at him coldly. He stops the rising smoke. rock. We see the sulphurous smoke ( continued) coughing. There is complete silence Cut to the Brigands, charging cloud in the distance. He is leaning IT’S OPPOSITE! for a moment as the Mighty One- into the smoke and falling all over against the rock, catching his I WAS VERY MUCH AT- Eye and his women look at each each other. breath. He pokes his hat back to its TACHED TO IT! other. He realizes there are a great Brigands: normal shape and begins to walk in (Snap!) many of them. The women, (shouting and coughing) a hurry, muttering: YOU TOOK MY LEFT LEG! together, take a step toward him. GET ‘IM! GET ‘IM! ZigZag: (Snap!) The Mighty OneEye turns to run l’VE GOT ‘IM! THE GREATEST WIZARD OOO! MY RIGHT! I’M GOING but the women close in on him NO, YOU HAVEN’T! HAS TO KNOW TO LOOK AN AWFUL SIGHT! with a cacophony of bloodcurdling, IT’S ME YOU’VE GOT, EXACTLY WHEN IT’S TIME (Snap!) high-pitched, vibrating trills, intent YOU FOOL! TO GO... O-O-O-O-O! OH! MY GOOD RIGHT ARM! on revenge. They surround and He falls into a pit. Cut to a close- (Snap!) envelop him, and though unseen by up of the heads of the gaping MY LEFT! I SEE THERE IS us, it is obvious they are tearing mouths of two or three alligators. VERY LITTLE LEFT OF ME! him asunder. Cut back to ZigZag spreads (Snap Snap!) who has backed up quite a distance The camera pulls back fast as we OH! MY BOTTOM! away from the Cobbler and the see the eight alligators, lurching (Snap Snap!) Brigands. YumYum spots him. forward, jaws snapping. Cut to OH! MY TOP! GREEDIES! Princess YumYum: ZigZag, the alligators coming DON’T YOU EVER STOP?! THAT’S HIM. THERE! toward him. ZigZag spreads his Cut to Phido, with his beak Sgt Hook: hand’s out authoritatively, his back opening wide, zooming down from THAT’S HIM! THE MAGICIAN against the wall of the pit. above toward ZigZag’s head. FELLER... ZigZag: ZigZag: MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS! YOU TOO, PHIDO, MAN’S Brigand: THAT’S HIM. ARGH! ARE YOU STILL HERE? BEST FRIEND...? I HAVEN’T FED YOU YET, I As Phido’s beak holds ZigZag‘s Princess MeeMee: FEAR! GET HIM! GET THE MAGI- head like a nut-cracker around a CIAN! Snap! We see only ZigZag’s walnut... reactions from just above the ZigZag: Roofless: snapping jaws as we truck in as the (disgusted) SIC HIM, BOYS! scene progresses. We also show FOR ZIGZAG, THEN... Phido, leering down expectantly IT IS... THE END. (Snap!) 147. from the top of the pit. Phido’s beak snaps shut. Gulp! Brigand: ZigZag: and a swallow. GET HIM! OH! MY LEFT FOOT! (Snap! ) 75 SEQ. 13.2. Like air in a partially-filled goofy version of its former self and Brigands: Cut to the Brigands, all walking balloon, the lump squeezes free of from out of its mouth shoots the THE MAN! THE MAN HAS around confusedly. The smoke has their weight and starts to wiggle Thief, running at top speed, carry- THEM! ’TIS THE MAN HIM- cleared. away. ing the balls in front of him, SELF HAS THEM! Brigands: Brigands: holding his robe like an apron, his scrawny legs pumping. He runs Princess YumYum: HE’S SKEDADDLED! HE’S HE’S OVER THERE NOW! TACK! MY COBBLER! MY headlong into the Cobbler. DISAPPEARED! HE’S THERE HE IS! WONDERFUL COBBLER! MAGICKED HIMSELF AWAY! SMACK! Roofless: Cut to YumYum, running toward AFTER HIM! The Cobbler’s arms encircle the Thief in an involuntary reaction. the Cobbler, shouting: Brigands: Again, all forty Brigands converge The Thief pulls desperately away, YumYum: 149. on the lump in a flying tackle. YOU’VE SAVED THE CITY! (continued) AH, AND and the Cobbler snatches the Balls Again, the lump squirts away. Cut from him. The Brigands halt in YOU’VE GOT THE BALLS INDEED’N HE HAS! to the Cobbler, crouching in BACK! I LOVE YOU! MAGICKED AWAY... mid-pursuit when they see they are anticipation of the lump which is not chasing ZigZag. Cut to the Cobbler, delighted and MAGICKED AWAY... THE moving his way. MAN WAS MAGIC! BLACK Brigands: embarrassed as YumYum throws her Princess YumYum: MAGIC! HE WAS AN AWFUL BUT THAT’S NOT THE MAGI- arms around his neck and kisses MAN! BESET BY SATAN (nearby, concerned) CIAN! WHO IS IT? IT’S NOT him. All the Brigands shout: CAREFUL TACK. HE’S HIM! LET HIM GO! LEAVE HIMSELF! TRICKY! 151. WHAT’S THAT THEN? THE POOR DEVIL BE! (Pointing to a movement under Princess MeeMee: We see the Cobbler standing Brigands: HOORAY! HOORAY! the Dragon) (protecting Bubba) among the Brigands holding the BUBBA, YOU’VE DONE HOORAY! From the Brigands’ point of view Golden Balls and far behind him, ENOUGH the Thief is skittering away toward HOORAY FOR OUR SIDE! we see a lump moving under the KEEP BACK! cloth of the collapsed Dragon. the City. The Brigands react in Goolie: Close-up on the moving lump and Cut to the Brigands. amazement at the Cobbler holding AND ISN’T SHE we see flies circling over the top of Brigands: the Balls. LOOKING WELL! it. The lump stops for a moment - HE’S OVER THERE! THERE Roofless: (Razz!) HE IS! WE’VE DONE IT MEN! the flies buzz - and it wriggles along Roofless: a little further. WE’VE GOT THE BALLS! ROYAL GUARD! WE HAS 150. Brigands: Sgt Hook: WON THE BATTLE! ESCORT IT MUST BE HIM! THE MAN Roofless: HE’S GOT THEM! THEM TO THE PALACE! HIMSELF! THE MAGICIAN! GET HIM! Goolie: The cheering Brigands lift Roofless: The Brigands tackle the lump AND ISN’T HE LOOKING YumYum and the Cobbler up on ...TACKLE HIM! once more. It shoots forward, WELL! their shoulders and begin to march In forty flying tackles, all the squeezed from under them, travels toward the City. Brigands converge on the lump. along a little bit until it is under the head of the Dragon. The absurdly deflated Dragon head rises like a 76 SEQ. 13.3. SEQ. 13.5. SEQ.13.7 Goblet: Dissolve to the Palace wall, King Nod, wide awake, sitting on FATHER... FATHER... I... O GREAT KING NOD! HAVE cheering soldiers at each crenel and his throne, flanked by his daughters (whisper, whisper) NO FEAR! GOBLET, YOUR the King at the centre crenel with and Prince Bubba. MeeMee is Cut to an enormous cheering GRAND VIZIER IS HERE! his arms held out in welcome. We combing Prince Bubba’s new blond crowd of people, gathered at the King: see a victorious procession, led by hair. The Cobbler is laying the base of the tallest minaret. There is WHAT!?! the Royal Brigands Guard, all Three Golden Balls down in front a tremendous celebration, musi- Looking at Goblet in disgust, the singing different things. At their of him. He steps back and bows cians, dancing, flowers, fountains. King claps his hands. head rises Princess YumYum beside awkwardly. The Brigands are lined The Eunuchs chant on a platform King: the Cobbler, who is carrying the up behind him, standing at atten- in front of the minaret. GUARDS! Three Golden Balls. In the midst of tion and looking extremely proud Dwarf: The two card-like guards appear. the Brigands, comes the Camel with their chests thrust forward. (zipping from pant leg to pant REMOVE HIM... PERMA- carrying Princess MeeMee and King Nod: leg) LONG LIVE THE NENTLY! Prince Bubba. Behind the Brigands, OUR CITY IS SAVED! THE GOLDEN CITY! march the FourEunuchs, followed PROPHECY IS FULFILLED! King: Eunuch 1: by the Golden City Army. This is a MY CITY OWES YOU A The guards pick up Goblet and symmetrical epic procession, GREAT DEBT OF GRATI- Eunuch 2: exit him. passing through crowds of cheering TUDE, O COBBLER. Eunuch 3: Goblet: people. Cut to the shadows. Out (pleading) BUT I ONLY Eunuch 4: comes the Thief, poking his head 152. LONG LIVE THE GOLDEN WANTED TO HELP - YOUR into the sunlight and looking Princess YumYum bends to MAJESTY! All Four: around. As the procession advances, whisper into the King’s ear. he skitters across the drawbridge (in harmony) 153. and into the Palace. Princess Yum Yum: CITY! Goblet: Dissolve to: They repeat their chant as the (continued) I WAS ONLY populace joins in and the sym- DOING IT FOR YOU - YOUR phonic soundtrack swells up. The GRACE. I WISH ONLY TO camera pans up the minaret and at SERVE!... the first large window we see King Nod beside the Pink Palanquin, The King chortles to himself, and kissing the large purple female hand the maiden’s arm or foot comes out extended from inside its curtains. and tickles him under the chin. The We hear the familiar husky giggle King slaps the hand or foot and it is and the folds of the curtain jiggle. withdrawn and the King chuckles The King chortles. He is inter- to himself delightedly - he can take rupted from the side. Goblet rubs it or leave it. his hands and bows. The music modulates to a higher key. Bells ring. Pull out slightly and pan up to another window. We see Princess MeeMee in white with 77 flowers round her neck and Prince She was right all along. Prince screen, the Thief’s head (with flies) Bubba sitting side by side, each Bubba, now fully aware of what has appears. He sneaks out and puts holding a hand-mirror, cooing happened joins the ecstatic each jewelled letter inside his coat. contentedly. MeeMee has a small MeeMee. (He speaks in Warren Then he looks around the screen mirror, looking at herself, and Beatty’s voice): for something else to steal. He Prince Bubba has a large mirror Prince Bubba : starts to tug at the edge of the film with which he is gazing at his I LOVE YOU. frame. The soundtrack goes peculiar twinkly blue eyes and curly blonde and sputters as he pulls the film hair. They embrace. 154. sprockets out of the projector and Princess MeeMee: A large choir joins the ringing the music shuts off. We see he is I LOVE YOU. bells. We pull out and pan up to a literally stealing the picture. The At these magic words the Prince’s third window as the music swells, film winds up very fast and he blonde hair goes ping and implodes modulating to a higher key. We see stuffs it inside his coat, stands for a slightly into a more normal size Princess YumYum and the Cobbler. second on the white background, man's hairdo. Princess MeeMee sees YumYum is also in white with looks at the audience, grins, turns this and says flowers round her neck. and runs into the distance and disappears. Princess MeeMee: Princess YumYum: I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! At this, there is another magical She moves to kiss him but the implosion and part of the Prince's tacks are in the way. . head assumes a more normal size. Cobbler: MeeMee sees what is happening (removing the tacks from his and she exclaims joyously mouth and straightening up to his Princess MeeMee: full height. He is a tall man. He I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I speaks in Sean Connery’s voice.) LOVE YOU. I . . . LOVE YOU. At each "I Love You" the Prince They embrace. magically transforms further Pull back and pan up past the towards a normal man. onion dome to the Three Golden Princess MeeMee: Balls gleaming in the sun, gold on I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I peacock blue. The camera zooms LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I rapidly back, taking in the whole LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I minaret and part of the palace LOVE YOU! below. The words “THE END” Now Bubba is turning into the appear in glittering jewelled letters, most magnificent man imaginable. precious stones, as the music reaches He is devastatingly beautiful. The its climax, bells ringing, voices Princess is beside herself with joy. singing - the compleat old-fash- ioned ending. At the side of the 78