Women's Humor
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THE PENGUIN BOOK OF WOMEN'S HUMOR Edited with an Introduction by Regina Barreca PENGUIN BOOKS Contents Acknowledgments' vii Topical Index , xxvii Introduction 1 Anonymous "The Advantages of Being a Woman Artist" 11 Anonymous "Feminism" 11 Anonymous FROM A Poster Distributed by the NUS Women's Campaign 12 Mary Alcock "A Receipt for Writing a Novel" \ 12 Louisa May Alcott FROM Work 15 "A Wail" 17 FROM Jo's Boys -" j 19 Maria Allen \ , FROM A Letter to Frances Burney 31 Lisa Alther FROM Kinflicks 31 Margaret Atwood . FROM "Their Attitudes Differ" 34 FROM "She considers evading him" 34 "They eat out" . 34 x Contents "Aging Female Poet Sits on the Balcony" 35 FROM'"Letters, Towards & Away" 36 FROM Lady Oracle 37 Jane Austen FROM The Letters of Jane Austen . 38 FROM Northanger Abbey 39 FROM Sense and Sensibility 41 FROM Pride and Prejudice ' ' • 44 Sheila Ballantyne FROM Normajean, the Termite Queen 50 Tallulah Bankhead One-liner and Anecdotes 51 Mary Barber "The Conclusion of a Letter to the Rev. Mr. C " 52 "To Mrs. Frances-Arabella Kelly" 54 Djuna Barnes FROM Mghtwood 55 Lynda Barry FROM Down the Street 56 Anne Beatts FROM "Can a Woman Get a Laugh and a Man Too?" 59 Interview 59 Joy Behar One-liners 60 Aphra Behn FROM The Rover - 61 FROM "An Epistle to the Reader," Prefixed to The Dutch Lover 64 Jennifer Berman ,, FROM Adult Children of Normal Parents 66 Shirley Temple Black One-liner 67 Naomi Bliven One-liner , 67 Erma Bombeck FROM Just Wait till You Have Children of Your Oum! 68 Contents xi Elayne Boosler FROM "Punchline—I Don't Get It" 73 Elizabeth Bowen FROM Collected Impressions 74 "Pink May" .74 "The Unromantic Princess" 81 FROM The Death of the Heart 90 FROM The Heat of the Day 91 FROM The Little Girls 91 FROM The Hotel 92 FROM To the North . 92 FROM Eva Trout 93 FROM The House in Paris 93 Blanche McCrary Boyd FROM The Revolution of Little Girls 94 Julia A. Boyd FROM "Something Ain't Right" 99 Peg Bracken FROM The I Hate to Cook Book 99 Anne Bradstreet "The Prologue" 100 "The Author to Her Book" 102 Clare Bretecher FROM Frustration 103 Anne Bronte FROM The Tenant of Wildfell Hall 107 Charlotte Bronte FROM Shirley 111 FROM Villette 114 FROM Jane Eyre , .117 Emily Bronte FROM Wuthering Heights 119 Gwendolyn Brooks "White Girls Are Peculiar People" 128 On Marriage 128 Helen Gurley Brown FROM Sex and the Single Girl 129 xii Contents Rita Mae Brown A Note . 129 ,FROM Rubyfruit Jungle 129 FROM Six of One 130 Elizabeth Barrett Browning ^ "A Man's Requirements" 131 Frances (Fanny) Burney FROM A Letter to Her Sister Esther 133 Brett Butler One-liner • 133 Liz Carpenter One-liner 134 Rosario Castellanos FROM "Learning About Things" 134 FROM "If Not Poetry, Then What?" • 137 FROM "Woman and Her Image" ' 137 FROM "Cooking Lesson" . 137 Charlotte Charke . FROM A Narrative of the Life of Mrs. Charlotte Charke 138 Ilka Chase One-liner _ 140 Roz Chast FROM The Four Elements 141 FROM Parallel Universes 142 FROM Unscientific Americans . " 142 FROM Proof of Life on Earth 143 Margaret Cho One-liner 144 Lady Mary Chudleigh "To the Ladies" 144 Caryl Churchill FROM Top Girls 145 Ina Claire One-liner 145 Ellen Cleghorn One-liner 145 Contents . xiii Lucille Clifton "homage to my hair" 146 "aunt agnes hatcher tells (about my daddy)" ,146 Kate Clinton FROM "Making Light: Some Notes on Feminist Humor" 147 Jane Collier - FROM "An Essay on the Art of Tormenting" 148 Patricia Collinge "Sickroom Visitors" 149 Julie Connelly FROM "The CEO's Second Wife" 150 Lucha Corpi FROM Delia's Song 150 Elena Tajena Creef FROM "Notes from a Fragmented Daughter" - 151 Amanda Cross (Carolyn G. Heilbrun) FROM Death in a Tenured Position 152 Ellen Currie FROM Available Light 152 . Mary Daly FROM Gyn/Ecology 153 Josephine Daskam ' FROM "The Woman Who Caught the Idea" • 155 Emily Dickinson "Witchcraft was hung, in History" 156 "The Riddle we can guess" 156 "Forever is composed of Nows" j 156 "The butterfly obtains" • , 156 "I fear a man of scanty speech" •• ' 157 "Publication is the auction" 157 Annie Dillard . FROM An American Childhood 157 Phyllis Diller FROM Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual 158 ' FROM Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints 159 xiv Contents FROM The Joys of Aging—and how to avoid them 159 One-liners 161 Sarah Dixon "The Returned Heart" 161 Margaret Drabble FROM The Middle Ground 162 FROM The Garrick Year , 162 FROM The Waterfall 163 Lady Dorothea Dubois "Song" 166 Maria Edgeworth FROM Belinda 167 FROM Castle Rackrent v 172 Sarah Egerton "The Emulation" 174 George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) FROM Daniel Deronda 175 FROM The Mill on the Floss 177 FROM Middlemarch 193 FROM Silly Novels by Lady Novelists 195 Mary Ellmann FROM Thinking About Women 197 Nora Ephron FROM Crazy Salad 197 FROM the Introduction to When Harry Met Sally 198 FROM Heartburn . 198 Fanny Fern (Sara Payson [Willis] Parton) "Aunt Hetty on Matrimony" 199 "Women and Money" 200 "A Law More Nice Than Just" 201 "A Reasonable Being" 203 Geraldine Ferraro On Progress 204 Anne Finch FROM "The Introduction" 204 Contents xv Mary and Jane Findlater FROM Crossriggs *~ ~ 206 Fannie Flagg FROM Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe 207 Diane Ford One-liner . -•- 2Q9 Margaret Fuller One-liners 209 Zsa Zsa Gabor One-liners '210 Elizabeth Gaskell FROM Cranford 210 Stella Gibbons FROM Cold Comfort Farm 211 Charlotte Perkins Gilman "Queer People" 224 FROM "The Yellow Wallpaper" 225 "Similar Cases" 227 FROM Herland 228 Nikki Giovanni "Rituals" 229 "Straight Talk" 230 "Housecleaning" •, 231 "Nikki Rosa" 231 Whoopi Goldberg One-liners 232 Ellen Goodman . \ FROM Making Sense \ •' 233 Serena Gray FROM Beached on the Shores of Love 234 Germaine Greer FROM The Female Eunuch 239 Nicole Gregory and Judith Stone FROM Heeling Your Inner Dog 241 xvi Contents Sarah Moore Grimke FROM "The Pastoral Letter of the General Association ,• of Congregational Ministers of Massachusetts" 244 Cathy Guisewite • "Cathy" 245 Modine Gunch FROM Never Heave Your Bosom in a Front-Hook Bra 246 Margaret Halsey FROM With Malice Toward Some 247 Eliza Haywood FROM The Female Spectator 248 Cynthia Heimel FROM If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet? 253 FROM/Buf Enough About You 254 Nicole Hollander FROM The Whole Enchilada ' ' 262 Marietta Holley FROM The Widder Doodle's Courtship • 265 ' On Marriage 266 On Competition 267 Judy Holliday On Falsies 270 Marie Jenney Howe "An Anti-Suffrage Monologue" 271 Josephine Humphreys FROM Dreams of Sleep 276 Zora Neale Hurston FROM Their Eyes Were Watching God 277 FROM "Drenched in Light" 281 Ann E. Imbrie FROM Spoken in Darkness 282 Elizabeth Inchbald FROM A Simple Story 282 Molly Ivins FROM Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She? . .• 286 FROM Nothin' but Good Times Ahead • 288 Contents - xvii Elaine Jackson FROM Paper Dolls 289 Shirley Jackson FROM Life Among the Savages 290 FROM Raising Demons . 291 FROM Come Along with Me - 291 Bonnie Januszewsi-Ytuarte One-liners 292 Jenny Jones On Men 292 Erica Jong FROM Fear of Flying 293 Judith Katz FROM Running Fiercely Toward a High Thin Sound 297 Pamela Katz "The Long Ride" 300 Florynce Kennedy One-liners 303 Jean Kerr FROM Go Josephine, in Your Flying Machine 304 FROM Penny Candy 306 FROM Please Don't Eat the Daisies 312 Laura Kightlinger FROM "Return the Favor" 314 Florence King "Fiftysomething" ,314 "The Silver Scream" ' ! 320 \ - ( Maxine Hong Kingston , FROM The Woman Warrior 326 Sarah Kemble Knight FROM The Private Journal of a Journey from Boston to New York in the Year 1704, Kept by Madam Knight 328 Nella Larsen FROM Helga Crane . 330 xviii Contents Mary Leapor "Upon her Play being returned to her, stained with Claret" 330 . Fran Lebowitz FROM Metropolitan Life 331 Carol Leifer On Marriage 342 Charlotte Lennox FROM The Female Quixote 343 FROM Henrietta ' 344 Baird Leonard FROM "The Columnist" . 344 Doris Lessing "How I Finally Lost My Heart" 346 Esther Lewis "A Mirror for Detractors. Addressed to a Friend" 356 Judy Little FROM Comedy and the Woman Writer 360 Anita Loos FROM Kiss Hollywood Goodby 361 FROM Gentlemen Prefer Blondes 362 FROM But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes 366 "Moms" Mabley Stand-up routines 367 Betty MacDonald FROM Onions in the Stew 368 FROM The Egg and I 368 Patricia Mainard On the Politics of Housework 368 Mary Manley FROM "Corinna" 369 Katherine Mansfield "The Singing Lesson" 375 Merrill Markoe FROM What the Dogs Have Taught Me 380 Contents xix Penny Marshall On Acting 383 Judith Martin FROM Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 384 Harriet Martineau On Marriage • ' ' " " 388 Bobbie Ann Mason FROM Love Life 388 Phyllis McGinley "Why, Some of My Best Friends Are Women!" 389 Terry McMillan FROM Waiting to Exhale ' 390 Beverly Mickins On Sex 391 Edna St. Vincent Millay "First Fig" 391 "Second Fig 391 "Sometimes when I am wearied suddenly" 391 "Oh, oh, you will be sorry for that word!" 392^ Sonnet xi 392 Sonnet xii . 393 Sonnet xix 393 Sonnet xx 394 Sonnet xxix 394 Sonnet xxx '"• . 395 Alice Duer Miller Why We Don't Want Men to Vote 395 Carol Mitchell On Quickies ' 396 Lady Mary Wortley Montagu FROM "Verses Addressed to the Imitator of the First Satire of the Second Book of Horace" 396 "The Reasons that Induced Dr. S[wift] to Write a Poem Called 'The Lady's Dressing-Room' " 397 Marianne Moore "I May, I Might, I Must" ' 400 "Values in Use" * 400 xx . Contents Toni Morrison FROM Beloved 401 Judith Sargent Murray "On the Equality of the Sexes" 402 Gloria Naylor FROM Mama Day 408 Itabari Njeri What's in a Name? .