THE PENGUIN BOOK OF WOMEN'S HUMOR

Edited with an Introduction by Regina Barreca

PENGUIN BOOKS Contents

Acknowledgments' vii Topical Index , xxvii Introduction 1 Anonymous "The Advantages of Being a Woman Artist" 11 Anonymous "Feminism" 11 Anonymous FROM A Poster Distributed by the NUS Women's Campaign 12 Mary Alcock "A Receipt for Writing a Novel" \ 12 Louisa May Alcott FROM Work 15 "A Wail" 17 FROM Jo's Boys -" j 19 Maria Allen \ , FROM A Letter to Frances Burney 31 Lisa Alther FROM Kinflicks 31 Margaret Atwood . FROM "Their Attitudes Differ" 34 FROM "She considers evading him" 34 "They eat out" . 34 x Contents

"Aging Female Poet Sits on the Balcony" 35 FROM'"Letters, Towards & Away" 36 FROM Lady Oracle 37

Jane Austen FROM The Letters of Jane Austen . 38 FROM Northanger Abbey 39 FROM Sense and Sensibility 41 FROM Pride and Prejudice ' ' • 44

Sheila Ballantyne FROM Normajean, the Termite Queen 50 Tallulah Bankhead One-liner and Anecdotes 51

Mary Barber "The Conclusion of a Letter to the Rev. Mr. C " 52 "To Mrs. Frances-Arabella Kelly" 54 Djuna Barnes FROM Mghtwood 55

Lynda Barry FROM Down the Street 56

Anne Beatts FROM "Can a Woman Get a Laugh and a Man Too?" 59 Interview 59 Joy Behar One-liners 60

Aphra Behn FROM The Rover - 61 FROM "An Epistle to the Reader," Prefixed to The Dutch Lover 64

Jennifer Berman ,, FROM Adult Children of Normal Parents 66

Shirley Temple Black One-liner 67

Naomi Bliven One-liner , 67

Erma Bombeck FROM Just Wait till You Have Children of Your Oum! 68 Contents xi

Elayne Boosler FROM "Punchline—I Don't Get It" 73 Elizabeth Bowen FROM Collected Impressions 74 "Pink May" .74 "The Unromantic Princess" 81 FROM The Death of the Heart 90 FROM The Heat of the Day 91 FROM The Little Girls 91 FROM The Hotel 92 FROM To the North . 92 FROM Eva Trout 93 FROM The House in Paris 93 Blanche McCrary Boyd FROM The Revolution of Little Girls 94 Julia A. Boyd FROM "Something Ain't Right" 99 Peg Bracken FROM The I Hate to Cook Book 99 Anne Bradstreet "The Prologue" 100 "The Author to Her Book" 102 Clare Bretecher FROM Frustration 103 Anne Bronte FROM The Tenant of Wildfell Hall 107 Charlotte Bronte FROM Shirley 111 FROM Villette 114 FROM Jane Eyre , .117 Emily Bronte FROM Wuthering Heights 119 Gwendolyn Brooks "White Girls Are Peculiar People" 128 On Marriage 128 Helen Gurley Brown FROM Sex and the Single Girl 129 xii Contents

Rita Mae Brown A Note . . 129 ,FROM Rubyfruit Jungle 129 FROM Six of One 130 Elizabeth Barrett Browning ^ "A Man's Requirements" 131 Frances (Fanny) Burney FROM A Letter to Her Sister Esther 133 Brett Butler One-liner • 133 Liz Carpenter One-liner 134 Rosario Castellanos FROM "Learning About Things" 134 FROM "If Not Poetry, Then What?" • 137 FROM "Woman and Her Image" ' 137 FROM "Cooking Lesson" . 137 Charlotte Charke . FROM A Narrative of the Life of Mrs. Charlotte Charke 138 Ilka Chase One-liner _ 140 Roz Chast FROM The Four Elements 141 FROM Parallel Universes 142 FROM Unscientific Americans . " 142 FROM Proof of Life on Earth 143 One-liner 144 Lady Mary Chudleigh "To the Ladies" 144 Caryl Churchill FROM Top Girls 145 Ina Claire One-liner 145 Ellen Cleghorn One-liner 145 Contents . . xiii

Lucille Clifton "homage to my hair" 146 "aunt agnes hatcher tells (about my daddy)" ,146 Kate Clinton FROM "Making Light: Some Notes on Feminist Humor" 147 Jane Collier - FROM "An Essay on the Art of Tormenting" 148 Patricia Collinge "Sickroom Visitors" 149 Julie Connelly FROM "The CEO's Second Wife" 150 Lucha Corpi FROM Delia's Song 150 Elena Tajena Creef FROM "Notes from a Fragmented Daughter" - 151 Amanda Cross (Carolyn G. Heilbrun) FROM Death in a Tenured Position 152 Ellen Currie FROM Available Light 152 . Mary Daly FROM Gyn/Ecology 153

Josephine Daskam ' FROM "The Woman Who Caught the Idea" • 155 Emily Dickinson "Witchcraft was hung, in History" 156 "The Riddle we can guess" 156 "Forever is composed of Nows" j 156 "The butterfly obtains" • , 156 "I fear a man of scanty speech" •• ' 157 "Publication is the auction" 157 Annie Dillard . FROM An American Childhood 157 FROM Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual 158 ' FROM Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints 159 xiv Contents

FROM The Joys of Aging—and how to avoid them 159 One-liners 161

Sarah Dixon "The Returned Heart" 161

Margaret Drabble FROM The Middle Ground 162 FROM The Garrick Year , 162 FROM The Waterfall 163

Lady Dorothea Dubois "Song" 166

Maria Edgeworth FROM Belinda 167 FROM Castle Rackrent v 172

Sarah Egerton "The Emulation" 174

George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) FROM Daniel Deronda 175 FROM The Mill on the Floss 177 FROM Middlemarch 193 FROM Silly Novels by Lady Novelists 195

Mary Ellmann FROM Thinking About Women 197

Nora Ephron FROM Crazy Salad 197 FROM the Introduction to When Harry Met Sally 198 FROM Heartburn . 198

Fanny Fern (Sara Payson [Willis] Parton) "Aunt Hetty on Matrimony" 199 "Women and Money" 200 "A Law More Nice Than Just" 201 "A Reasonable Being" 203

Geraldine Ferraro On Progress 204

Anne Finch FROM "The Introduction" 204 Contents xv

Mary and Jane Findlater FROM Crossriggs *~ ~ 206

Fannie Flagg FROM Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe 207

Diane Ford One-liner . . -•- 2Q9

Margaret Fuller One-liners 209

Zsa Zsa Gabor One-liners '210

Elizabeth Gaskell FROM Cranford 210

Stella Gibbons FROM Cold Comfort Farm 211

Charlotte Perkins Gilman "Queer People" 224 FROM "The Yellow Wallpaper" 225 "Similar Cases" 227 FROM Herland 228

Nikki Giovanni "Rituals" 229 "Straight Talk" 230 "Housecleaning" •, 231 "Nikki Rosa" 231

Whoopi Goldberg One-liners 232

Ellen Goodman . \ FROM Making Sense \ •' 233 Serena Gray FROM Beached on the Shores of Love 234

Germaine Greer FROM The Female Eunuch 239

Nicole Gregory and Judith Stone FROM Heeling Your Inner Dog 241 xvi Contents

Sarah Moore Grimke FROM "The Pastoral Letter of the General Association ,• of Congregational Ministers of Massachusetts" 244 Guisewite • "Cathy" 245 Modine Gunch FROM Never Heave Your Bosom in a Front-Hook Bra 246 Margaret Halsey FROM With Malice Toward Some 247 Eliza Haywood FROM The Female Spectator 248 Cynthia Heimel FROM If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet? 253 FROM/Buf Enough About You 254 Nicole Hollander FROM The Whole Enchilada ' ' 262 Marietta Holley FROM The Widder Doodle's Courtship • 265 ' On Marriage 266 On Competition 267 Judy Holliday On Falsies 270 Marie Jenney Howe "An Anti-Suffrage Monologue" 271 Josephine Humphreys FROM Dreams of Sleep 276 Zora Neale Hurston FROM Their Eyes Were Watching God 277 FROM "Drenched in Light" 281 Ann E. Imbrie FROM Spoken in Darkness 282 Elizabeth Inchbald FROM A Simple Story 282 Molly Ivins FROM Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She? . .• 286 FROM Nothin' but Good Times Ahead • 288 Contents - xvii

Elaine Jackson FROM Paper Dolls 289

Shirley Jackson FROM Life Among the Savages 290 FROM Raising Demons . 291 FROM Come Along with Me - 291 Bonnie Januszewsi-Ytuarte One-liners 292

Jenny Jones On Men 292

Erica Jong FROM Fear of Flying 293

Judith Katz FROM Running Fiercely Toward a High Thin Sound 297

Pamela Katz "The Long Ride" 300

Florynce Kennedy One-liners 303

Jean Kerr FROM Go Josephine, in Your Flying Machine 304 FROM Penny Candy 306 FROM Please Don't Eat the Daisies 312

Laura Kightlinger FROM "Return the Favor" 314

Florence King "Fiftysomething" ,314 "The Silver Scream" ' ! 320 \ - ( Maxine Hong Kingston , FROM The Woman Warrior 326 Sarah Kemble Knight FROM The Private Journal of a Journey from Boston to New York in the Year 1704, Kept by Madam Knight 328

Nella Larsen FROM Helga Crane . 330 xviii Contents

Mary Leapor "Upon her Play being returned to her, stained with Claret" 330 . Fran Lebowitz FROM Metropolitan Life 331 Carol Leifer On Marriage 342 Charlotte Lennox FROM The Female Quixote 343 FROM Henrietta ' 344 Baird Leonard FROM "The Columnist" . 344 Doris Lessing "How I Finally Lost My Heart" 346 Esther Lewis "A Mirror for Detractors. Addressed to a Friend" 356 Judy Little FROM and the Woman Writer 360 Anita Loos FROM Kiss Hollywood Goodby 361 FROM Gentlemen Prefer Blondes 362 FROM But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes 366 "Moms" Mabley Stand-up routines 367 Betty MacDonald FROM Onions in the Stew 368 FROM The Egg and I 368

Patricia Mainard On the Politics of Housework 368

Mary Manley FROM "Corinna" 369

Katherine Mansfield "The Singing Lesson" 375

Merrill Markoe FROM What the Dogs Have Taught Me 380 Contents xix

Penny Marshall On Acting 383 Judith Martin FROM Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 384 Harriet Martineau On Marriage • ' ' " " 388 Bobbie Ann Mason FROM Love Life 388 Phyllis McGinley "Why, Some of My Best Friends Are Women!" 389 Terry McMillan FROM Waiting to Exhale ' 390 Beverly Mickins On Sex 391 Edna St. Vincent Millay "First Fig" 391 "Second Fig 391 "Sometimes when I am wearied suddenly" 391 "Oh, oh, you will be sorry for that word!" 392^ Sonnet xi 392 Sonnet xii . 393 Sonnet xix 393 Sonnet xx 394 Sonnet xxix 394 Sonnet xxx '"• . 395 Alice Duer Miller Why We Don't Want Men to Vote 395 Carol Mitchell On Quickies ' 396 Lady Mary Wortley Montagu FROM "Verses Addressed to the Imitator of the First Satire of the Second Book of Horace" 396 "The Reasons that Induced Dr. S[wift] to Write a Poem Called 'The Lady's Dressing-Room' " 397 Marianne Moore "I May, I Might, I Must" ' 400 "Values in Use" * 400 xx . Contents

Toni Morrison FROM Beloved 401

Judith Sargent Murray "On the Equality of the Sexes" 402 Gloria Naylor FROM Mama Day 408

Itabari Njeri What's in a Name? . 408 Sheryl Noethe "Illusion" 408 Edna O'Brien FROM Girls in Their Married Bliss , 409 Flannery O'Connor FROM The Habit of Being 410 FROM "A Temple of the Holy Ghost" 410 FROM "Good Country People" 411 Jane O'Reilly On Feminism 411 Dorothy Osborne FROM The Letters of Dorothy Osborne to William Temple 411 Grace Paley "An Interest in Life" 412 Gail Parent FROM Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York 425 Dorothy Parker "A Telephone Call" 426 FROM "Dusk Before Fireworks" 430 FROM "The Grandmother of the Aunt of the Gardener" 431 FROM "The Lady's Reward" . 432 FROM "Mrs. Post Enlarges on Etiquette" • ' . 432 FROM "Home Is the Sailor" 433

Cathie Pelletier FROM The Funeral Makers 433 Ann Petry FROM "Mamie" 437 Contents • * xxi

Fiona Pitt-Kethley . "Men" 438 "Penis-Envy" 439 Sylvia Plath "The Applicant" 439 FROM The Bell Jar 441 Letty Cottin Pogrebin FROM "A Question of Appearances" 442 Mimi Pond FROM Shoes Never Lie 443 FROM "Why Is Everybody Always Pickin' on Bill?" 444 FROM "L.A. Laugh Tracks" 445 Barbara Pym FROM Excellent Women 445 FROM A Few Green Leaves 446 Gilda Radner On Playing the Fool / 446 Libby Reid FROM You Don't Have to Pet to Be Popular 447 Agnes Repplier FROM Counter-Currents • 450 One-liners , 450 Stand-up routine 451 Helen Rowland FROM "Book of Flirts" > 451 FROM Reflections of a Bachelor Girl ,' 452 FROM "It Must Be Thrilling to Be a Man" 453 One-liners 453 Jill Ruckelshaus On Following 454 Rita Rudner FROM Naked Beneath My Clothes 454 One-liners 459 xxii Contents

Muriel Rukeyser "Myth" 460

Joanna Russ FROM "Somebody's Trying to Kill Me and I Think It's My Husband: The Modern Gothic" 460

Mary Russo FROM "Female Grotesques: Carnival and Theory" 461

Dorothy L. Sayers "Are Women Human?" 461

Florence Guy Seabury FROM The Delicatessen Husband 468

Anne Sexton - "Riding the Elevator into the Sky" 469

Ntozake Shange FROM For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide, When the Rainbow Is Enuf 470

Joane Sharpe "A Defence of Women, Against the Author of the Arraignment of Women" 471

May Sinclair FROM Mr. Waddington of Wyck 474 FROM The Three Sisters 476

Betty Smith FROM A Tree Grows in Brooklyn 476

Stevie Smith FROM Novel on Yellow Paper 485 "Beside the Seaside: A Holiday with Children" 486 FROM "Simply Living" 498 FROM "Too Tired for Words" 501 FROM "Cats in Colour" 503 "Marriage I Think" '514 "No Matter Who Rides" 514 "Lulu" 515

Carrie Snow One-liner 515 Contents xxiii

Muriel Spark FROM The Playhouse Called Remarkable 515 FROM The Driver's Seat 515 FROM The Girls of Slender Means 516 FROM Robinson 516 FROM The Hothouse by the East River 517 Elizabeth Cady Stanton FROM A Letter to Susan B. Anthony, 1853 517

Linda Stasi FROM A Field Guide to Impossible Men 518

Abby Stein On Sleazy Men 539

Gertrude Stein FROM Gertrude Stein's America 539 FROM The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas 540

Gloria Steinem FROM "If Men Could Menstruate" 541

Eliza "Mother" Stewart On Sweet Women 542

Deanne Stillman FROM Girls in Suits at Lunch 543

Catharine R. Stimpson "The F-Word" \ 543

Pam Stone On Female Problems 544

Harriet Beecher Stowe " , FROM "Love versus Law" : 544 ^ i Linda Sunshine FROM Women Who Date Too Much (And Those Who Should Be So Lucky) 545 May Swenson "Southbound on the Freeway" 558

Judy Syfers "I Want a Wife" . 559 xxiv Contents

Judy Tenuta FROM The Power of Judyism 561 Mario Thomas On Ruthlessness 562 On Doctors 563 Emily Toth FROM Forbidden Jokes and Naughty Ladies 563 Frances Trollope FROM The Domestic Manners of the Americans 563 Catharine Trotter FROM Love at a Loss 569 Sojourner Truth FROM "Ain't I a Woman?" 569 Anne Tyler FROM The Clock Winder 570 FROM Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant 571 Robin Tyler On the Mind and the Prick 571 Judith Viorst FROM "Self-Improvement Program" 571 Helena Maria Viramontes FROM "The Cariboo Cafe" 572 FROM "Snapshots" 573 Jane Wagner FROM The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe 574 Alice Walker "Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts" 575 Margaret Walker "Street Demonstration" 576 Wendy Wasserstein FROM The Heidi Chronicles 577 On Getting Out of Gym 577 FROM Bachelor Girls 578 FROM Uncommon Women and Others 581 Contents

Mary-Lou Weisman "The Married State" Fay Weldon FROM Down Among the Women FROM The President's Child FROM Darcy's Utopia FROM Praxis FROM The Heart of the Country FROM The Shrapnel Academy FROM Remember Me FROM The Fat Woman's Joke FROM Female Friends FROM The Life and Loves of a She-Devil FROM Letters to Alice: On First Reading Jane Austen FROM Little Sisters Carolyn Wells "To a Milkmaid" Mae West One-liners FROM Pleasure Man FROM The Constant Sinner FROM A Bio-Bibliography

Rebecca West One-liners Edith Wharton FROM The House of Mirth FROM The Custom of the Country Frances Miriam Whitcher FROM The Widow Bedott Papers Paulette Childress White \ FROM "Mothers and Daughters" Katharine Whitehorn » On Fat and Thin, Big and Small Isabella Whitney "TheManer of Her Wyll, & What She Left to London: And to All Those in it: At Her Departing" xxvi Contents

Thyra Samter Winslow FROM "Semi-professional Astrology" - 611 Liz Winstead One-liner 612 Virginia Woolf FROM A Room of One's Own 612 FROM The Voyage Out 613 FROM Orlando 614 FROM Three Guineas 617 FROM "The Mark on the Wall" .619 FROM Night and Day 619 Hannah Woolley On Female Education 622 Author Biographies 623