Spider-Man 3 (2007) Directed by Sam Raimi
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I’m Already in Denial By Fearless Young Orphan Spider-Man 3 (2007) Directed by Sam Raimi Two weeks ago, I would not have considered chunking Spider-Man 3. Know why? Because I had only seen it once. I caught all three Spider- Man films directed by Sam Raimi during their opening weeks in theaters. I enjoyed the first, absolutely loved the second, and was eager for the third. I went and saw it. I was underwhelmed, but forgiving. I believe I was I know how he feels. under the influence of cultural hysteria. Everything in the media and in my own affectionate heart was telling me that I must have liked this movie. Sure, it had its flaws. Many of them. But I could forgive the flaws, because it was Spider-Man! It was Sam Raimi! I’ve adored Sam Raimi’s work since The Evil Dead and he would never do something like . well, no, it’s just . let’s talk about something else. Okay, so for about four years now I’ve been thinking that the only real problem with Spider-Man 3 was that it crammed too much into one film. From the day I saw the movie I was of the opinion that the villain Venom should have had a separate film which featured him alone as the villain. Making Venom a bookend to a film that already had two serviceable villains in the form of Sandman and Harry-as-New-Goblin was wasteful. Venom is awesome and deserves his own movie, particularly since Raimi wisely used Topher Grace in the role of Eddie Brock and, hell, the sometimes under-noticed Grace was all over that part. He was absolutely the most interesting thing in the entire film. There’s your Spider-Man 4, right there. If Venom was a must, then forego Sandman at least. But of course, that is hindsight, and after a while it became clear that the series would be rebooted. All I could do was shrug and say, “Oh well.” Last week, my friends, I saw Spider-Man 3 for the second time. I suspect that I had not seen it again yet (normally I rent these movies almost as soon as they are released on DVD) because my subconscious knew something and was hiding it from me. This movie is terrible. It is damn near unbearable to watch. There is so much wrong with it that the few qualities it does have (good acting, for one thing, plus an occasional sense of humor and two minutes with Bruce Campbell on screen) cannot salvage the film, and instead emphasize what a mess it is. I almost don’t know where to begin. So what does the Orphan do when she doesn’t know where to begin? She makes a list. And I am not going to outline the plot for you, sorry. I’ll assume you’ve seen the film – you and me, and everyone else looking forward to it back in 2007. Otherwise, trust me on this and go read some of my Foreign Classics discussions – those poor things don’t get any attention. 1. THERE IS TOO MUCH SHIT HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE. I’ve already mentioned this, and it remains the biggest problem. We have too many villains, too many subplots, too many relationships shifting ground. The movie cannot juggle them all coherently and certainly does not have time to devote each facet the attention it deserves. I found myself watching scenes that had to do with a subplot that had not been mentioned in half an hour and having to scramble to remember what was going on with that particular part of the story. Two of the subplots, however, take up enormous chunks of film time and are utterly useless, those being: a. Mary friggin’ Jane. I have had it up to my eyeballs with these movie bitches who say that they aren’t afraid to face the consequences of being the significant other of an in-demand hero. They aren’t afraid to face it, no, not until it inconveniences them and then suddenly, there’s a crisis and they get all needy. I’m sorry her acting career isn’t all she dreamed. Maybe she should avoid musical theater. I recall she was doing well in Oscar Wilde plays in Spider-Man 2. Or maybe she should grow a goddamn backbone and just tell Peter what the hell her problem is, rather than expecting him to read her tiny mind. Peter Parker is a nice guy; he’s too nice, if anything, and if she’d just get over her drama queen PMS and say, “HEY, listen, I got fired from my job and I feel like shit, and I could use a little support here,” then he’d probably be her go-to guy. She’s mad because in his Spider-Man persona he kisses Gwen Stacy. Princess there needs to grow up: that was a stage kiss. Did she suppose that during her stage career, she was never going to have to kiss anyone else? She’s hurt because Peter is a little self-centered in his newfound fame. Peter is a young man who’s never been in a serious relationship before her; perhaps she can cut him a little slack. You know, he’s not ignoring her for the sake of playing Halo. He’s fighting crime and saving lives. These two young people spend an extraordinary amount of time in this movie being mad and anxious at each other without really knowing why, but subjecting us to their infuriating and unproductive bickering nonetheless. And DO NOT try to tell me that the relationship between Mary Jane and Peter must be rocky because it has something to do with his need to rescue her – for God’s sake, this girl has been perilously hanging from webs for three films now whether she’s dating Peter, not dating Peter, banging Bruce Campbell (you go girl), on stage, off stage, and whether or not she has a clue that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. She is the target no matter what, and Peter will rescue her, no matter what. The relationship problems here are so thick that Gwen Stacy looks ever more appealing. She’s sweet and smart, and easy on the eyes. b. Uncle friggin’ Ben. Sandman is a small-time thief named Flint Marco (Thomas Haden Church, an actor I adore) and even though two movies ago Peter Parker moved past his Uncle Ben’s Death Guilt Complex, suddenly we’re served up a bit of revisionist history that includes Flint Marco’s participation in Uncle Ben’s carjacking and death. This is an utterly unnecessary headache and really, the only thing we’d care to see less than Peter whining about his Uncle’s death is Peter whining about Mary Jane. But no, we have to go through all this shit again. One could argue that Peter must have a personal issue with Flint Marco in order to “kill” the man under the influence of the evil black gooey spider-suit, but I say no. Evil black gooey spider-suit could produce murderous impulses all on its own – in fact it does – ratcheting up Peter’s aggression until he makes a deadly error. Honestly do we need to see Peter and Aunt May crying over this again? No we do not. And Sandman/Flint Marco is already an interesting villain without the added drama of Uncle Ben: he’s got a sick kid and steals money for her sake. That’s a cliché, but no more a cliché than avenging a dead relative, and Thomas Haden Church is a good enough actor to pull it off. 2. EVERYBODY CRIES, BUT NOBODY CRIES AS MUCH AS SPIDER-MAN. Oh my God, stop tearing up. Get some control over Is this intense brooding? Or is he just yourself. Grow a pair. You’ve got about to cry? I bet he’s just about to cry. superpowers. Maybe find your way past being an emotional bitch. Or if not, then please, someone ask Mr. Raimi to stop those long, lingering shots of Tobey Maguire’s red-rimmed eyes as he snivels through yet another bout of depression. 3. EVERYTHING IS A GODDAMN COINCIDENCE. You’d think there were only about ten people living in the whole city of New York, and that the entire area of the city is two square blocks. On my second viewing, I counted eight wild coincidences that shove the plot along. Let us see if I can name them all here. i. Evil gooey black gunk from space crashes to Earth in a meteor which lands within a hundred yards of Peter Parker so it can crawl into his backpack and go home with him. ii. Peter is in a class with Gwen Stacy iii. Who is dating Eddie Brock iv. Who is Peter’s competition at the newspaper; v. And Gwen is on a modeling job in a building that suffers severe damage from an out-of-control crane, thus Peter has to rescue her. vi. And Gwen is also the police chief’s daughter, so that said chief can see that Peter is awarded the key to the city so there can be a big ceremony that the Sandman can interrupt. vii. Flint Marco, who escapes prison and is turned into the Sandman thanks to a wacky science experiment, also happens to be involved in Uncle Ben’s death. viii. Eddie Brock happens to walk into the very church where Peter is tearing off his evil gooey black spider-suit so it can fall from the bell tower onto Eddie and turn him into Venom.