every where u other readed it furst The weather outside is weather THE TUFTS DAILY We’re so adjective, we verb nouns! FOOL. TUFTSDAILY.COM Pickard advocates for tree scholarship b y Un d e r w e a r Mo d e l For his part, Dean of Student Boxers AND Briefs Affairs Bruce Reitman scratched his head in confusion. “Do trees need to Citing shrinkage in the univer- go to school?” he asked. sity’s endowment from the flaccid “Is there such thing as a tree? Does economy, Tufts Community Union school really exist? Am I here?” he (TCU) President Duncan Pickard continued, eventually curling into a has announced that the Senate will fetal position and moaning vaguely reevaluate its allocation of the recov- about the impending apocalypse. ered funds. Meanwhile, senators have also dong!!! Pickard, weeping softly as he allocated $2,300 to volcano moni- Show me the money, bitch. compiled poetry for Class Week, told toring, $4,560 in reparations for the Daily yesterday that the Senate students who have had to listen has decided its first priority will be to them on a weekly basis, and Tufts Student Fund turns out to to provide a full scholarship for the $24,800 to the political action tree on the President’s Lawn, which committee “Neil DiBiase for Holy last semester earned itself a place in Roman Emperor 2012.” be massive Ponzi scheme the spotlight after a crowd of hippies Senators were hoping to also b y Ha r r y Po t t e r ing with Hillel President Nathan that they had done extensive due violently assaulted it. draw on the Tufts Student Fund, Touch My Wand Render, a senior, to attract students diligence on Pickard before invest- According to Pickard, who said he which was initially said to have to the cause. ing with him. The average invest- was inspired by the sunlight gently raised $7,606. But since then, audi- The Tufts Student Fund (TSF) The TSF, a unique initiative start- ment was $2. stroking the hippies’ banana cos- tors have discovered that the cam- was actually an enormous Ponzi ed by students from a cross-section “I hired at least two indepen- tumes, the scholarship is necessary paign was actually a massive Ponzi scheme that defrauded hundreds of the student body, aimed to collect dent auditors, but mostly I was just since decreasing financial aid awards scheme that in reality only raised of students who thought they student donations to fund a one- wooed by his seductive voice,” said are hurting everybody — and every- seven cents for financial aid. were contributing to financial year scholarship for a needy under- one freshman, who requested ano- thing. “I know firsthand how bad it is As the Senate pushes its current aid to a fellow student in need, graduate. It attracted contributions nymity on the grounds that he is a to have a shriveling package,” he said. platform, it will have to contend with Tufts Community Union (TCU) from 20 percent of the student body schmuck of an investor. Already, TCU Treasurer Matt opponents who have complained President Duncan Pickard con- and received a $20,000 boost from Before his arrest, Pickard emp- Shapanka has befriended the tree that the proposed legislation, which fessed to administrators last night. an anonymous donor. tied out his lavish campus center and is working on setting aside contains a number of pet projects, is While TSF organizers claimed to Pickard told investors that he suite and is reported to have sent $200,000 for Tree GPS. The device, too full of pork. have raised $7,606 during a push was putting their money in the TSF, his treasures, including five leftover which Shapanka will forcibly insert “What’s next?” Hillel for donations last month, it turned but an independent analysis by the value meals from the Commons, to into the brains of all Tufts students, President Nathan Render asked. out that the actual amount com- Daily has determined that he was friends and relatives. will send them a message every 30 “Cheeseburgers?” mitted to financial aid was seven actually funneling all donations into Meanwhile, the Jewish commu- seconds with the location of the tree. Still, senators say that the cents; the rest was embezzled. a slush fund for stoning wealthy nity at Tufts appears to have been The senior senator is also work- efforts are a necessary compo- Tufts University Police individuals. The planned public hit the hardest by the scheme; the ing on Shapanka GPS, which will nent of their plan to foster equal- Department officers arrested beatings were supposed to give stu- Chabad House may have to tem- regularly alert him about the posi- ity on campus. To that end, they Pickard last night after his admis- dents receiving financial aid hope porarily stop serving matzah ball tions of his various body parts. are currently considering cloning sion to University President during the first-ever Class Week. soup on Friday nights. Asked about the recent develop- the Wren mice and transplant- Lawrence Bacow and Dean of “Today, we received news of a “The returns Duncan and ment, senior Toby Bonthrone, fight- ing them into Sophia Gordon to Student Affairs Bruce Reitman. massive fraud — both in terms of Nathan promised sounded so ing back arthritis and hobbling with make sure that all students share Pickard, a junior, was soon after scope and duration,” University good, and they seemed like a cane, called it “bloody daft.” comparable experiences. released on $100 bail, which he President Lawrence Bacow said in such trustworthy people,” Hillel Bonthrone then instructed his “Nobody likes to talk about paid for with points. a late-night press conference on Executive Director Rabbi Jeffrey colleagues to rally back against the equality on campus. It’s too uncom- While details remain unclear, the President’s Lawn. “FML.” Summit said. “Us Jews are going colonists and to put an immedi- fortable,” Pickard said. “But do you Pickard claimed to have circum- Undergraduates interviewed to find new ways to make money. I ate halt to the tea trade pending an know what else is uncomfortable? vented most of the other 18 stu- last night expressed shock at the think we might have to start work- investigation as to who poured all Having a mouse climb up your dents behind the TSF, partner- development, as all of them said ing on the Shabbas.” the bags into the Boston Harbor. pants while you’re trying to sleep.”

University moves from ‘need-blind’ to Boxer Briefs STIR this, bitch ‘completely-blind.’ Is anyone surprised? on April 26, 2008 but were too intoxicated A new report has caught the university to confirm the fact. Concert Board had been b y iPh o n e Push My Buttons test scores. with its pants down, administrators have said. unable to make an announcement until now The new policy does not discriminate the According to a recent survey, Tufts’ endow- due to certain language in the contract, which, A day after the Office of Undergraduate least bit on the basis of intellectual ability, ment is completely transparent. “You can see in the interest of the annual concert’s intended Admissions released this year’s Regular the admissions office said in a press release. right through it,” the report reads. The study’s audience, was drafted when group members Decision acceptance letters, it announced That stupid kid from your high school authors expressed surprise, noting that most were blackout drunk. that next year it will move away from unoffi- who had to stay back a couple of years told universities choose to cover themselves at least cial need-blind admissions to an innovative, the Daily that the change was “sweet.” slightly. “It’s almost indecent how much you Brown and Brew to convert “completely blind admissions” policy. Coffin praised the change, explaining that can see,” according to the report. to undergraduate housing Effective immediately, the entire staff of now he felt like Tufts was on track to attract a the admissions office will be laid off and record number of students. ResLife or death Brown and Brew will be converted into replaced with a blind man who will throw “Before, our admissions strategies lacked undergraduate housing space next year, the 4,000 darts at a board with pictures of all vision,” Coffin said. “Now ... they still lack vision.” Director of Residential Life and Learning Office of Residential Life and Learning (ResLife) future applicants. Yesterday’s announcement shocked the Yolanda King has decided to replace the annual announced yesterday. “The way the economy has been going, college admissions world but made some housing lottery with a lottery of punishment. “[Dining Services] wasn’t making money, this was bound to happen,” Dean of unemployed visually impaired people really Students with good numbers will be stoned and and ResLife couldn’t count how many people Undergraduate Admissions Lee Coffin said, happy. A number of schools responded with waterboarded, while those at the bottom of needed housing,” Director of Dining Services while casually tossing a dart at a family of changes of their own. the list will be assigned a room in Haskell. This Patti Klos said. “It was a match made in four walking into the admissions office. Harvard pledged to admit all students move comes right after King decided to hire the bureaucracy heaven.” Tufts unofficially practiced need-blind who smiled during alumni interviews, and Carmichael bed bugs to work for her. King and The plan completes a process started last admissions, under which it does not con- Babson agreed to accept anyone not infect- her insect army will begin plotting shortly. semester when late-night hours at the Curtis sider an applicant’s ability to pay, for the ed with the norovirus. Hall eatery were cut. The current plan calls for Classes of 2011 and 2012, as well as the Early University President Lawrence Bacow Gonna be a blackout four double rooms — complete with new comfy Decision applicants for the Class of 2013. praised the new policy. armchairs — and free Odwalla bars for residents. The admissions office felt it was neces- “With this new truly egalitarian admis- Concert Board has finally confirmed that “An open floor plan will allow for more sary to go further than the current practice, sions policy, we can move one step closer the Dropkick Murphys headlined last year’s community building,” ResLife Director Yolanda with an eye on cutting costs and shunning to becoming the ‘light on the hill’ that we Spring Fling concert last April. Rumors about King said. “And seven students can fit in special those long-as-fuck SATs. have always always aimed for,” Bacow said the appearance began circulating when some singles on the café’s mezzanine level — they’ll Under the new policy, all impaled appli- in an e-mail. “And, hey, at least admissions students were reasonably certain they had seen wake up to aromas of coffee every morning. cants will receive offers of admission, regard- will run a hell of a lot smoother than the the Irish punk band performing around 5 p.m. Better than that stench in Lewis.” less of the strength of their application or housing lottery.” Inside this issue Today’s Sections If you’re Snooze 1 This is a furry, angry wearing a animal. So is this. Sex | Features 2 shirt today, Home | Garden 3 you hate Sports Back babies see ARTS, if you really want see SEX, you know you want it 2

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every Ima hoar | The sexpositionist other CAMPUS THE TUFTS DAILY In Ev a n s b. Cl i n c h y Still long, still spindly response investigatory journalists Soup du Jour Chiefs of Sporcle to Features Sunshine McSprinkles Yay! Harry Potter Awkward-question Asker columns Alexandra Bogus Always finishes first. Presents: hen I heard that the columnists Duts The Jungle were taking a day off from the I’m Funny! Seriously, I am! Redhead Daily, I was thrilled. I’ve been Underwear Model dying to write a response column Jailer’s Son April Fools! W Sticky Notes b y Ef f i n Me Re t s k y decided to become roommates.” FOREVER. As you know, Tufts people love Rando New Guy Da i l y Do s e o f Ma r i j u a n a Peacelover and Kode’s room defi- writing responses. iPhone nitely communicates their commit- As an avid reader of the Daily’s sex columns, I’ve Got an Epic Story! Walk into any room in any resi- ment to saving the environment one I have taken every piece of advice I’ve seen Harry Man Poke Me I feel happy. dence hall and you will always step at a time. Small trees and shrubs written this semester. And while many of the undoubtedly be greeted by ugly bed- line the hallway leading into their suggestions were great (I had an excellent Tits Biggood I feel sad. Jolly Kunt I feel angry. spreads made in African sweatshops room. “I needed to save the trees threesome with two librarians in between the Allyshun JizzNow and energy-sucking mini-fridges. But from the gardening center, where book stacks), I have had some problems and Effin Me Retsky not in Emmalee Kode and Destiny they had to compete with so many want to pose a few questions. Bromy Ol-hO-ski Krustina Pap Smear Peacelover’s room. The two have put other shrubs to be bought,” Kode My various partners have really been turned Jewel Eeuhh Cocklove the Bush back into Bush Hall and exclaimed. on by bullet vibrators, but what happens when transformed their double into a hip- Across their brown, organic, hand- one gets stuck in your butt? It happened to Lisa Frank iMoan pie heaven. knotted rug made by a local artisan, me, and I couldn’t figure out how to get it out, Imma Bush Lisa Frank fans The duo met their freshman visitors make their way into the rest so I just waited for the battery to die. Internetz McGee year while protesting at a “Save the of the room, which is shrouded in The rockin’ bumps of sex on the Joey were Feline Squabble Mitch Slap Lisa Frank groupies Rainforest!!!” event in Boston. “I was earth tones. There is moss that grows great fun, but I had some trouble figuring out Michel Mononucleosis so alarmed at the rate of defores- around their window frame, extend- what to do with the splooge when I was fin- Jay “Just Joshin’” Z tation in the Amazon that when I ing toward the mold on the plates ished. Any suggestions? The trash can was full NCAA Bracket Loser x2 High-Fructose Corn Syrup Destroyer overheard Emmalee talking about by Kode’s computer. “I don’t believe and the driver didn’t have any helpful ideas. land ordinance rights in Brazil, I got in cleansing dishes of their natural How many cock rings are too many to wear Dolgar the Dark Wizard Bitchers excited,” Peacelover, a sophomore state,” she said. “I prefer to let the at once? If I actually want to put them on a Bitch (please) Tomfoolery majoring in sociology, women’s stud- microscopic air-plankton have their rooster, does this number change? Raphael Editrixes of Bitching ies, mathematics, civil engineering fill and return the plates to a clean, I was hooking up with this dude, and I Michelangelo and environmental studies, said. edible condition.” threw up in his mouth and then made jokes Donatello Splinter “We entered into the most pas- Peacelover keeps 13 animals of vary- about it so as to alleviate his stress — like on April sionate discussion about the threat ing species that she freed from zoos Fmylife. He wasn’t so happy. In fact, he started Michelangelo Scribble! Scribble! Scribble! to undiscovered species and eventu- and animal testing facilities in her bed. acting really weird, so I had to read through Leonardo ally ended up getting coffee at my “It gets a little crowded, but I never his e-mail account to see what was going on. Where’s My Rice Pilaf? We’re Winning Drunk Hunt favorite local, vegan, organic, Oxfam- have to waste resources by heating the It’s OK, though — I am a woman and thus very supportive café,” sophomore Kode, room in the winter,” she said. manipulative by nature. 6’ 0” Sophomore Seriously. RAGE a peace and justice studies major, Kode takes care of the rest of the On a high note, I’ve actually found that queef- Thomas: is dope said. “After that, we just kept running décor and has a number of items ing can be really fun. When doing the deed Weak Sauce into each other at ECO events and pinned up, including a photo of an starts to get repetitive, I like to queef to create Brosky McNattylight P.D.B.F Think Outside the Bottle campaigns. orphan in Africa that she sponsors cool dance beats. Who needs John Mayer for an Shannon A month before housing lottery, we with $1.37 each month. orgasm when you can make your own tunes? Obamarama We are. Sometimes I get really good ideas from Don’t Call Me Lance Greenhouse Phone Home combining two columns — even about totally Sunny Side Up different subjects. For example, I know eat- Midge Survey shows studentz enjoi ing high fructose corn syrup isn’t good, but I Lives On Gmail Executive Soul Stealer found that it makes a great lubricant. Much better than that KY stuff. Giant Goofball Pimps cat videos on the internetttz I’ve also learned that making clothes out of Aardvark Kangaroo Calvin Klein food can be environmentally efficient as well The Freak from Greece b y Br o m y Ol-hO-s k i as erotic. There’s nothing hotter than having Sloppy Jo Hos Da i l y Editorial Bo a r d an outfit made of salami be eaten off of you by Dwight Skins — Always that special someone. DONG A national survey released last Tiny Tim Furday revealed that 43 percent of 10 10 all students rate cat videos as their want to do other stuff top source of entertainment. Sex, Public waste of space good too commonly assumed to be a widely The red brick wall outside of Jumbo Express I Miss Kiwis Production Director enjoyed college thrill, fell by the is truly more than just a red brick wall outside Tetris “Master” Executive Gamer wayside at 12.2 percent. of Jumbo Express, though before Shepard All students particularly enjoy Fairey came, it was actually just a red brick wall Sister Bear Pica Pushers videos of cats attacking babies, cats outside of Jumbo Express. But now that he’s Wo Ai Zhong Guo trying to get into small containers, been there, the wall is our pride, our unity and Sunshine McSprinkles Jr. Courtesy Adele N00B (but, not?) cats trying to get out of small con- ”Suck it,” Marvin Cat said to those ham- that place we can go to look at good chalk Late Starter tainers and cats watching Cats, the drawings. Solid ster bitchez. Hey, look at my beard! musical. But wall politics have become more aggres- OK A new subgenre of cat videos has to keep up with the monopoly cats sive as different individual students, student Master T also emerged, featuring no actual cats are slowly imposing on the indus- groups, teachers, alumni and presidents make Skip to my LuLu By l i n e but rather children presenting and try. With LOLcat bumper stickers, changes to the wall nightly. University of Connecticut Executive Husky narrating depictions of cats. The cat motivational cat posters and all the The cannon, a washed-up version of the enthusiast who pioneered this sub- other merchandising with which cat wall, was speechless. Loves Evans Épéeists The Real 24th President genre with her experimental video, video producers are infiltrating the The art exchange started simply enough. Pole Dance Correspondent “Kittens Inspired by Kittens,” spoke YouTube scene, Hamster’s one-time An artist’s work was taken over by a group Not a Public Editor to the Daily anonymously about the throne of glory is no longer secure. of students, and then students responded to Aloha.INDD Field goal shooters Pro Cycling Specialist inspiration behind her films. After his original short film, that, and then students responded to that. Also Loves Evans “I want beef jerky!” she said in an Hamster starred in several remixes Spirit of Color painted the wall in rainbows, Blitzkrieg Bop e-mail. to “Hamster on a Piano,” but even but Blackout saw to it that that didn’t last very Livin’ for the Weekender Cappy Morgan Why the sudden cat craze? It’s after the tens of thousands of hits long. Major:Undecided wrote on the wall, hard to say. But whatever the moti- he won with “Acoustic Hamster on officially changing the name of their group to Ghost Do I exist? vation, cat videos are entering the a Piano” and “iDog on a Piano,” he Major:Biomedical Engineering Systems with a Emerson Existentialists industry fast. simply cannot keep up. Concentration in Microsystems and a Minor in Thoreau Upon hearing complaints about “It’s just not the same business Roman Civilization. A homeless man peed on Sartre Is this real life?!? excessive pussy viewing online, Tufts anymore,” he said while on the set it, and Satan had the wall freeze over just for Twitter Check out my Tweet! Health Service was gracious enough of his latest remix release, “Hamster kicks. Engineers Without Borders (EWB) were Mrs. Twitter Oh, I have. to sponsor a campus-wide version Eating Popcorn on a Boat.” the first to rearrange the bricks. Waldo Try and Find Me of the national survey. The survey Some loyal fans, of course, are “We are not for borders!” EWB spokesman Elbows Nerds was part of a broader health-relat- doing all they can to offset the decline Shatner Lucas said. “We are for wide-open Well-oriented Geeks ed research series, which featured in hamster video viewership. spaces! No borders! Not even the bookstore BU Terrier several other surveys conducted by “I will never watch a cat video,” prom- chain.” Health Service including “Do you ised University President Lawrence After the Tufts Mountain Club found Dolla dolla billz ever feel like killing yourself? How Bacow, a lone tear streaming down the height of the wall not challenging NCAA Bracket Champion Director of Asking Nicely about now?” and “Are you practicing his cheek. Last week, the Bacows were enough, they made it taller. Teachers have safe sex, you whore?” responsible for 6,000 of “Acoustic Hamster been adding single bricks to the wall, to EPIIC Success Director of Haggling Some of the cats’ competitors, on a Piano’s” 32,000-plus hits, he said. which students chanted, “We don’t need Betrayer Director of Groveling Panda Tan Director of Begging like Hamster, who made his debut “Errrr…” cat-lover Adele said no thought control!” in “Hamster on a Piano,” feel unable while pulling on her shirt collar. 3

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Venue Profile President’s Lawn is the best grass this side of Tijuana

b y Mitching a n d Mo a n i n g odd if held indoors; plus, nature’s Daily Editorial Board famous lack of smoke detectors allows self-medicating Jumbos to The President’s Lawn, located toke up during the event. at the heart of Tufts’ Medford “Spring Fling is my favorite campus, is one of Boston’s great- day of the year,” said a mem- est hidden gems in the world of ber of the Tufts administration concert venues. who wished to go only by his “[It’s] a brick,” Walter Orange first name, Larry, adding, “Who of The Commodores said of the doesn’t like to wake and bake in President’s Lawn, “house.” his own home, purely on wafting Contrary to Mr. Orange’s beliefs, clouds of second-hand smoke?” the President’s Lawn is a large, Alcohol consumption on the amorphous patch of green, dotted lawn is highly regulated. Despite by gnarled trees, and cut in two by the rules, crafty under-age concert- an asphalt artery, a simple footpath goers often find ways of sneaking that leads up the hill. Standing at Dionysus’ sweet nectar in through the top of the lawn, Tisch Library, various creative methods includ- a shining beacon of masturba- ing filling fake limbs with booze tion, sits off to the east, and Gifford and training carrier pigeons to air- House, Tufts’ “little White House,” drop nips of liquor to ensure that lies to the west. The stage for Tufts’ when pre-game buzzes wear off, annual Spring Fling will be set up they can easily be bolstered back in the North-West corner of the to “nice,” “giddy” or even, in some field at the foot of the lawn. extreme cases, “Lindsay Lohan.” The Prez Lawn, as it’s known The Lawn has a mostly pleas- locally, hosts only one actual con- ant gradation despite some bullshit cert a year, Spring Fling, though on angles such as 22, 37 and 4 degrees, The Freak from Greece/Tufts Daily any given weekend night, inebri- and the acoustics are decent, though, Come chill out at the coolest venue in town. ated undergraduates can be heard not great. Only God, however, is to butchering oldies, modern classics blame for these shortcomings. tly and sympathetically blow the fence, acting as feeding stations paths and past the Ocean’s and Disney tunes. In the past, the Tufts adminis- heads off of these small creatures,” for migrating livestock. When the streams they wentand past “Last weekend, I heard someone tration has voiced concern over one administrator said. “We think weather is fair, many Jumbos can the White Rock and the Sun’s do the entire score of [historical the danger posed to students by this will not only connect students be found pretending to study on Western Gates and past the musical] ‘1776,’” an anonymous hordes of grotesquely fat squir- with nature, but allow squirrels the grassy hillock, and their horny Land of Dreams, and soon sophomore told the Daily. rels and Tufts’ campus bird, the and pigeons to move on to a hap- counterparts can be found making they reached the fields of Concert Board’s Spring Fling, pigeon. This year, the admin- pier place.” out in what is undoubtedly one of asphodel where the dead, the which is held at the end of April, istration may take action to When not being used for con- campus’ most romantic locations. burnt-out wraiths of mortals is perfectly matched for the prevent squirrel and/or pigeon- certs, the President’s Lawn doubles Over 150 years ago, Homer make their home.” President’s Lawn. The event, a cele- induced accidents. as a lawn. In the winter, bales of hay wrote in “The Odyssey” (24.5-9): And boom, that’s the bration of warm weather, would be “We’ve hired freshmen to gen- are placed around the trees and the “Down the dank mouldering President’s Lawn.

Porn Review Dictionary Review TUTV erotic production is American Heritage shows it can a huge load of awesome really put the ‘dic’ in dictionary

b y Ro m y a n d Mi c h e l l e the library’s helicopter landing — anything to b y Imfixinto give a rat’s ass about. No one gives a Daily Editorial Broads avoid monotony. Da Boss shit what a “marimba” is, and even Perhaps the most famed of the destination fewer people want to describe anything Steaming up screens nationwide, TUTV scenes, however, is the Joey joyride. As there The American Heritage College as “homiletic.” God forbid Americans Late Night Productions pushes pornography is a lack of seats on the campus shuttle, the Dictionary, Fourth Edition is a piece of don’t know what “festschrift” is (see, to new limits with its first full-length feature, schoolgirl is forced to sit on her pirate’s lap. His shit. Although readers may be excited that was sarcastic). leg is real, but anyone can see that this Black The dictionary, despite including the If You Seek, Lay Me Jack’s “black jack” is certainly wooden. As Dictionary phrase “American Heritage” in the title, things heat up, the couple makes no attempt is thoroughly un-American. It includes to get off before “getting off,” and in a series of such offensively foreign phrases as Starring Don Jeremy and Amy camera pans and close-ups, we see our pirate “vox populi.” True American patriots Effyouseekay claim his booty right then and there, to the Tila Tequila Publishing Company should avoid reading the dictionary steady rock of the bus. at all costs, as it may negatively affect Directed by TUTV If the ludicrous venues inserted in the plot and aroused by the cover of this thrill- their world view, and should instead don’t startle you, then the exhibitionism will. ingly thick volume emblazoned with stick to McDonald’s menus and fan- “If You Seek, Lay Me.” In this sexy thriller/ In one particularly jarring scene, a rather what may be a headless eagle holding tasy baseball statistics. romance, co-stars Don Jeremy and notable inebriated Amy regurgitates the contents some arrows or just a pair of wings chill- Though it lists boring and really stu- Daily legend Amy Efyouseekay engage in a of what can only be attributed to the eve- ing with some weaponry, this is a bastard pid words, the dictionary leaves out brilliant erotic performance that turns Walnut ning’s punch on her partner’s genitals, mid- of a read. One would’ve hoped that, by other super, totally rad ones. It’s stuck Hill into a silicone valley and brings audiences fellatio. Against the director’s plea, however, the fourth edition, the folks at American in the 20th century, dude. Nowhere to hedonic highs. the intractable debut artist simply slurps the Heritage would’ve gotten something does it define “MILF” or “ROTFLMAO,” Like many a 21st century hookup tale, the contents back up and finishes her partner right, but unfortunately for readers, that much less “GMAFBWAIWT.” Important story begins with a Facebook poke, that ever- and the scene. hope is dashed to the ground before one words like “fratmatress” are also miss- ambiguous solicitor of something between Naturally, the film has its minor flaws, but even reaches “aardwolf.” ing. How are we supposed to describe friendship and fornication. the amateur-produced masterpiece apolo- First off, the organization of the book the world when nothing is clearly But the show’s path is quickly deter- gizes for nothing. Its title makes no attempt is atrocious. It’s hard to know where the defined? Furthermore, while the dic- mined. The setting: a Theta Chi fraternity to mask its lewd insinuation with coherence, plot is going next, and it doesn’t help that tionary lists many famous people like party. The theme: pirates and schoolgirls. and from the onset, the film sets the stage for each chapter starts off with only a single Leo Tolstoy and George Washington Somewhat baffled by the brothers’ thematic a slew of less-than-quality sexual innuendos letter. Moreover, technical terms, adjec- Carver, it doesn’t include the symbols pastiche, attendees stand around waiting and puns to come. The most vulgar content is tives, nouns, verbs, pronouns, people of our generation. Where are the Joe for clarification, but seeking one thing and highlighted, not blurred, and nothing — not and places are all mixed together in what Bros? Where’s Hilary Duff? one thing only — later upped to two and even an uncomfortable queefing episode near seems to be a random pattern. How are One of the big problems with the then three things. Efyouseekay sluts up in the end — is cut out. readers supposed to know where to look dictionary is that it’s just too long. Size a very revealing pleated skirt and scouts It is exactly this boldness that mirrors the for related words? does matter, and saying that one could out Jeremy, whose full pirate package puts performers’ Dionysian mission and crafts such The authors obviously try to make fit it into her schedule is a big stretch. Johnny Depp to shame. an orgasmic delicacy of adult film. Despite its things a little more interesting and easy It’s painful and virtually pleasureless. When Efyouseekay and Jeremy find each fanciful plot, the film’s cinematography is tight, to understand by including pictures, but The dictionary would do much better another, the pair embarks on a 90-minute jour- and one can see this genre of TUTV film com- none are in color, and besides, pictures if it cut out a few thousand words and ney to find the perfect spot for coital debauch- ing into its own. TUTV has never before thrust of “rotifers” and “lych-gates” don’t exact- used the space to print a do-it-yourself ery, during which they will stop at nothing to itself into the lives of Tufts students with such ly hold one’s interest. centerfold of Hannah Montana. Give fulfill their most carnal desires. In the Tisch enthusiasm, and with this feature, it certainly The main problem with this book, us some tits and ass, Dictionary, that’s library stacks, the two students, one a cunning rises to the occasion. University laws have however, lies in the bullshit words it really what we’re looking for. linguist, the other interested in cliterary analy- suppressed artistic endowment long enough, includes. While we must praise the dic- The dictionary is not a volume that sis, do what they do best. They soon move on to and now it’s time to come out, hardcore. “If tionary for defining words integral to merits any sort of praise whatsoever. It the library’s cubicles, fabled to “cause fabulous You Seek, Lay Me” is, at best, the crescendo of the English language such as “cunt,” is an irrelevant, boring, un-patriotic, ideas to spring up” — and spring up they do. At a hoary battle won, and at worst, a provocative “motherfucker” and “viscacha,” it fea- overly long text, and no one anywhere one point, they even engage in intercourse atop way of sticking it to the man. tures many words that readers don’t should ever use it. 4

Sportstuftsdaily.com LeBron faces hate mail and Royal relations Hard Boiled | Useless Garbage b y RAGE ever, and I think LeBron’s proved to Pleading Get Out of My Way any doubters in his first few years in the league that there is no question he LeBron James is the best and every- is the best ever. LeBron, LeBron, Bron the fizzifth body knows it. But not everybody Bron. It’s got such a ring to it. likes it. “Anyway, Mike’s jealous of the King. I According to Cleveland Police Chief mean, who else could it be? Mike’s the So has the economy been hitting you harder Michael McGrath in a statement yes- only guy on this earth who people con- than Christian Bale? Are your bank account terday, James formally requested the sider close to LeBron, so naturally he’d and pantry stock of Uh-Oh Oreos dwindling assistance of the Cleveland Police want him to quit so that he could still to near-nothingness? Checks bouncing more Department in order to track down the be the best.” than a kangaroo on a pogo stick? Well fear not, source of over 2,000 pieces of hate mail The police maintain that there is no my fellow Americans, because I have the solu- sent to him over the past three months. evidence whatsoever that Jordan is the tion. You can now turn to the judicial system as “The letters have become increas- source of these threats, though they a cash cow and sue your fellow citizens to milk ingly violent over the past few weeks,” claim that if the case is not solved with- all they can in hopes of once again being able to McGrath said. “There have been threats in a week, they will be forced to indict afford that Fathead. Your first target? Sports. to LeBron, his parents and his girl- Jordan to appease the King’s wishes. Meet Mr. Kendall Bronson of Detroit, friend. While normally, we might not The six-time NBA champion was vis- Mich., who recently filed a class-action law- take personal requests for a thorough ited by the press soon thereafter in suit against the Detroit Lions for, in his words, investigation of this sort, King James Venice Beach on vacation and, logically, “sucking so bad that it has ruined my life.” In is our leader and we are but his lowly was upset to hear these developments. light of the Lions’ recent 0-16 season, the first servants; we will humbly accept his He remained relatively docile, however, of its kind in NFL history, Bronson chose to sue request and do whatever is necessary to when addressing the media, both about the franchise for the lump sum of $100,000, or make him happy.” LeBron and the idea of being arrested roughly one dollar for every fan who came to As to the sources of the threats, no for the threats. Ford Field in the 2008-09 year. leads have been found yet, though “What a little bitch,” Jordan said. A lifelong Lions fan, Bronson says that his James believes a single individual is “The Queen ain’t got shit on me.” wife now refuses to sleep in the same bed as responsible. But after being reminded of the situ- him because being next to someone associ- “It’s Jordan; I guarantee you it’s ation at hand, Jordan was back down to ated with such an abysmal franchise makes Jordan,” LeBron said in a press con- business. her cringe. Moreover, his co-workers — fans ference yesterday. He then went on to “Hey LeBron,” Mikey said. “I’m com- of the New England Patriots, New York Giants, speak of himself in the third person. ing for you, man. My style is impetuous. and Pittsburgh Steelers, among others — have “Mike’s been jealous of LeBron since My defense is impregnable, and I’m just mct proceeded to throw eggs, garbage and, in one he was in high school,” James said. “He ferocious. I want your heart. I want to Fear me, bitches. Or at the very least, try case, a live lion at Bronson when he enters knew LeBron was going to be the best eat your children.” not to threaten my life, mmmkay? their office. “Whenever I come home, all my wife screams to me is ‘Kendall, I can’t believe you chose to follow such a miserable team. Their Slumping softball team pushed to seven play matches your ambiguously gendered name,’” Bronson said. “Sometimes, I wonder why the Lions are so terrible, but then the idea to sue them just popped into my head one innings in win over Babson Sunday on my eighth shot of whiskey.” b y 6’0” So p h o m o re ing to obliterate an opponent for the first Hovhanessian added. “Seriously, I sched- While Bronson may have a legitimate case Cheerleader time since spring break, Tufts knows it’s uled a mani-pedi for 3:45. Not only did in this one, the lawsuit of Mr. Cletus Bell of time to go back to the drawing board. I miss that, but I had to spend two extra Jackson, Miss. vastly trumps it. After looking dominant with three “We’ve really got to get back to Jumbo innings with all that catching gear on in the “I’m suing Levitra and that handsome- mercy-rule wins over Bates during the softball: pitching, hitting and just beat- blazing New England sun. I think I actually looking man in them commercials,” said Bell weekend, the softball team hit a bit of ing teams into submission,” coach Cheryl broke a sweat.” in an exclusive interview, which took place on a rough patch yesterday, needing a full Milligan said. “All three were there against For some on the team, the game offered his front porch over a pitcher of sarsaparilla. seven innings to beat non-conference rival Bates, and then all of a sudden, Babson a harsh reminder that Jumbos aren’t com- “I saw one of them television ads where the Babson on Spicer Field. comes in and we just take our foot off the pletely invincible. guy hurls a football through a tire, and I never The nationally ranked No. 9 Jumbos were pedal. It’s inexcusable.” “Honestly, I forgot that the games nor- could throw, so I went out and popped some pushed to the limit, but ultimately escaped “The game started at three, and I was mally last seven innings,” sophomore of them pills.” with a 7-1 win over the Pride to up their really planning on being out of there by pitcher Izzie Santone said. “After I struck After returning home with the product, Bell record to 17-0 on the season. Still, after fail- 3:30 or so,” senior quad-captain Cara out their right fielder to end the top of the proceeded to throw down about 16 Levitra pills. fifth, I started lining up for the postgame And, to his shock and dismay, it did not make handshake. When no one else joined me, him the least bit better at throwing a football. it hit me that we don’t actually beat the life “I went out in my backyard and threw for out of every team we play.” hours at that dang ol’ tire,” Bell said. “And not One reason for Tufts’ struggles yes- once was I able to get it through the hole. A Campus Notice terday was its stymied offensive assault. hot woman didn’t even come out and take me Beavers junior pitcher Danielle Liska lim- inside like in the ad, just my boring and quite Effective immediately, Tufts Recycles! will be in ited the Jumbos to a paltry seven runs, frankly pig-ugly wife again. Screw Levitra. I favor of the Tufts Goat Waste Management their second-lowest offensive output in wanted to be Brett Favre — instead it just their last six games. made me a tripod.” Initiative. “We’ve just sort of lost our way a little You know how Coca-Cola wants to sue bit as an offense,” Hovhanessian said. “We Coke Zero for “taste infringement?” Well, I’ll were pretty much ripping the cover off the do you one better. Kobe Bryant of Coolsville, ball earlier this season, but seven runs is W.V. is suing the NBA star with the same name Our current 20th place in RecycleMania is not downright pedestrian. Coach told us after- for “name infringement” in the now infamous wards to be in the cage three hours earlier case of Bryant v. Bryant. The plaintiff claims putting us at the head of the herd so we’ve decided tomorrow, and I can’t say I blame her. After that the defendant clearly stole his name and to chew our way to the top. We cannot continue to that performance, I think we could all use a promptly made it famous, which has ruined little extra B.P.” the West Virginia Bryant’s reputation as “the compete with other schools whose students do not With the Jumbos’ offense unable to run worst playground basketball player ever.” waste a valuable feedstock by putting recycling into away with a lopsided victory, Santone was “Before this Laker punk came along, every- forced to go a full seven innings for the one saw ‘Kobe Bryant’ as synonymous with the correct bins. first time since March 18. Undoubtedly passing that misfired more than a drunk fatigued, the reigning NESCAC Rookie of Plaxico Burress,” said Bryant, who holds the the Year yielded a run in the top of the Guinness World Record for most airballs in a Goats are known to eat everything, and we hear sixth, raising her ERA to 0.70. row with 65,000. “Now, I have people coming they are especially fond of pizza boxes and “The biggest regret I have about the way up to me asking if we’re related, if I can dunk we played was that we had to work Izzie for them and if I will sign autographs. Every mid-term exams. Goats will be penned on the quad pretty hard,” Milligan said. “And it showed day I step on the court with one purpose, and and will provide the additional benefi t of organic — she gave up a run. that is to be the absolute worst I can be. And “A complete game?” Milligan continued. this guy just waltzes in and ruins my perfect fertilizer and emissions free mowing. “Our team should never ask that much of a life. I even have girls asking to hang out with pitcher.” me. What the hell?” Tufts will look to get back on track this In more recent news, a Siberian Tiger at the We hope this move will keep us ranked among the weekend when it travels to Hartford for a San Diego Zoo has taken a cue from Bryant, top green schools in the country and make Tufts three-game series against Trinity. Indeed, filing an antitrust suit against Tiger Woods, a NESCAC East foe might be the perfect saying that “Woods gives other tigers abso- the top Billy Goat of RecycleMania. antidote to the team’s woes. lutely zero shot at becoming famous. He has a “We definitely had to work hard for this complete stranglehold on the ‘Tiger’ moniker one,” Hovhanessian said. “Hopefully they — what are us simpletons supposed to do?” Please leave your comments at: only get easier from here. It certainly won’t www.tuftsrecycles.org/donotstop hurt that we’re playing a team within our division. If Bates was any indication, the Hard Boiled is a senior majoring in wom- NESCAC East is pretty putrid this year, so en’s studies with a Hands-On Lab. He can maybe that’s all we need to right the ship.” be reached at [email protected]. Campus Notice Effective immediately, Tufts Recycles! will be in favor of the Tufts Goat Waste Management Initiative.

Our current 20th place in RecycleMania is not putting us at the head of the herd so we’ve decided to chew our way to the top. We cannot continue to compete with other schools whose students do not waste a valuable feedstock by putting recycling into the correct bins.

Goats are known to eat everything, and we hear they are especially fond of pizza boxes and mid-term exams. Goats will be penned on the quad and will provide the additional benefi t of organic fertilizer and emissions free mowing.

We hope this move will keep us ranked among the top green schools in the country and make Tufts the top Billy Goat of RecycleMania.

Please leave your comments at: www.tuftsrecycles.org/donotstop