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THE DUEL OBSERVER United Nations Unveils E-Sanctions LINNAEAN DEPT

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THE DUEL OBSERVER United Nations Unveils E-Sanctions LINNAEAN DEPT BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT SECURITY COUNCIL TO DISCOVERS “BEER PLANT” NORTH KOREA: “WTF :(” Mr. Orlando ‘08 THE DUEL OBSERVER United Nations unveils e-Sanctions LINNAEAN DEPT. By Mr. Clark ‘06 Volume V, Issue V “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself” May 6, 2005 (CLINTON, NY) Researchers from the Hamilton College SEED OF CREATIVE DIPLOMACY DEPT. Biology Department have discovered a new species of (NEW YORK, NY) In an effort to streamline the sanc- REVIEW IN YEAR 2004-2005 2004-2005 YEAR IN REVIEW perennial flora that lives on a peculiar schedule. tion process, the United Nations Security Council has These plants, dubbed by student researchers as decided to deliver notification of sanctions over the the “Beast Bush” or the “U.C. Tree,” blooms weekly for internet. BELL LABS DISCOVERS TURKEY MIGRATION TO two days (generally Friday and Saturday). In addition The idea for electronic sanctions, or e-Sanc- “SPEAKING” CANADA INCREASES DRA- to this, the plant seems to bloom only at night. By the tions, came about when UN Secretary General Kofi By Mr. Erb ‘05 following Tuesday, all residual buds have died and fallen Annan disowned his son Kojo during an AOL Instant THE FUTURE IS NOW DEPT. MATICALLY By Mr. Millhauser ’08 off. Messenger conversation. (HOLMDEL, NJ) Engineers at Bell Laboratories, the GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE, EH? DEPT. The plant flowers into a brilliant array of blue Kim Jong Il, the North Korean dictator with Research and Development wing of Lucent, Inc. have (MONTREAL, QC) A startlingly large increase in and silver aluminum cans, and already researchers are ambitions of a nuclear arsenal, was the first to receive stumbled upon a new way to communicate with others in turkey migrations to Canada occurred in the weeks lead- seeing that there are many different varieties of the plant’s one of the new e-Sanctions. Kim was reportedly a clear and completely wireless way. ing up to Thanksgiving, as many distraught Montreal flower. The most popular with focus groups have been the discussing the artistic merits of the new filmChristmas Graham Jenkins, the president of Bell Labs, held residents have reported. “Bud” or the “Stone”, but scientists promise more variet- with the Kranks with fellow dictator Gen. Than Shwe of a press conference earlier today announcing the discov- According to physics professor Jean-Jacques- ies are on the way. The plant has been seen blooming Burma when he received the e-Sanction of his country. ery. “This technology is absolutely amazing!” Jenkins Pierre Escargot, the influx of turkeys over the American- outside the Martin’s Way Bridge, under bushes near KJ, The Security Council hopes the e-Sanction will claimed. “We call it ‘speaking’. There is no need for a Canadian border is “très grand” which, by the principle and also in the hedges near CJ. Pollen from the plant has allow the UN to quickly and clearly censure reclusive cell phone, laptop computer or a personal digital assistant. of induction, ought to a tendency to make surrounding plants less inhibited and and stubborn leaders such as Kim. It works everywhere! Even the subway!” If speaking cause an electric current, more likely to release their pollen in order to mate. Kim Jong-Il could not be reached for comment functions in underground transit as Jenkins claims, this but doesn’t. While a practical use for this new discovery has because he was too busy writing about the e-Sanction in new technology could enjoy rapid success in urban mar- There has been yet to be determined, a bidding war has already begun his LiveJournal. kets around the world. wide speculation about between representatives from Amsterdam and Ireland for The Duel Observer was able to attain a tran- The process is surprisingly simple. Engineers the few live samples that have been found. the cause of what’s being script of the historic first e-Sanction: discovered that when they combined the use of their vocal called The Great Turkey UNSC33: WTF Kim Jong Il y do u want nukes? cords with human contact, fast and easy communication Exodus of 2004. Many Continued from Separation, page 2 SoRonery2: cuz u suck real bad was made possible. This discovery happened when two tearful students that they were not the reason why the of Vermont’s citizens UNSC33: y r u such a jerk :( Bell Labs employees were forced to leave their computers professors had been fighting. believe that the turkeys UNSC33: u r so sanctioned lol <3 The UN to use the restroom. The two engineers, discovering that “Of course this isn’t your fault,” the state- are trying to escape the UNSC33: The United Nations Security Council their hands were occupied, were forced to communicate “awful tyranny of Presi- ment read. “It’s just that, sometimes professors can get without the aid of their cell phones or PDAs. This turkey expatriate had large, along and sometimes they can’t. Unfortunately, we’ve hereby resolves to impose a general embargo on dent Assface.” The rest “It was weird at first but then we really got stubby fingers grafted on to his of the country claims that tried everything, but we are just too different to ever get the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. :P : wings, courtesy of Canada’s into it,” Tyler Rolston, one of the engineers responsible the turkeys are hitting the along. We’ve decided that we’re going to go our sepa- P :P public healthcare system. for this startling technological breakthrough, said. “It’s road early to avoid the rate ways. You have to trust us that this will be the best UNSC33: haha sux 4 u :) hands-free and effective. And speaking is so much clearer in the long run.” SoRonery2: OMG! WTF UN inevitable Thanksgiving traffic. than a cell phone call! It’s more efficient than text-mes- The disembodied spirit of Sigmund Freud, Upon reading this, many students began to SoRonery2: ur not invited to my party saging, too. I didn’t need to use smiley faces or anything weep. The statement then continued, “We want you to however, theorizes that the turkeys are migrating to because I realized I could use my own face to show my express sexual tension. Freud’s ghost also cited sexual know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you; fault, but I know they’re just trying to make me feel bet- emotions!” this is only about us. Both the liberal and the conserva- ter.” Taylor Robinson ’06 remarked. tension as the explanation for A Capella music, cooking Lucent, in cooperation with Arbitrary Domicile shows, Ultimate Frisbee, and the State Department. tive professors still want to teach you all very much and Fists clenched in frustration, he added, “I just Publishing, will begin marketing speaking as a how-to we want you to know that.” wish I had done all my reading last semester. Then ev- Professor Escargot could not be reached for fur- book. The book will be on shelves next week under the ther comment because he has been institutionalized into Though the statement was intended to erything would be alright.” title, “Face to Face Communication For Worthless Idiots console the students, many remained unconvinced. Alexander Hamilton could not be reached for the Montreal Asylum for the Mathematically Deranged, With Low Self-Esteem.” At the press conference, Jenkins where he will remain for n(A-B)*10^34 years. 4 “Sure, they’re going to say that it’s not the students’ comment because this reporter can’t find his ouija board. See Speaking, page 2 1 SADDAM HUSSEIN TO SPEAK CAMPUS SAFETY SIGNS Continued from Speaking, page 1 forearms. LAWRENCE TAYLOR TO announced, “This new book will allow people to put away According to the book, “The Green” would send AT HAMILTON their electronic devices and use this amazing new technol- Popeye into violent rages which ended with Bluto being By Mr. Orlando ‘08 BOLSTER RUN DEFENSE ogy which the boys down in the labs like to call ‘speak- severely “boffed an’ whammed.” Bluto also accused By Mr. Butler ‘06 TOO SOON? DEPT. ing’.” He added, “The only drawback we’ve seen so far is Popeye of injecting a mix of collard greens and Human BAD BOYS BAD BOYS WHATCHA GONNA DO DEPT. (CLINTON, NY) In its continuing efforts to bring pro- a limited range of about one hundred yards. Also, we’re Growth Hormone into his buttocks and chin. (CLINTON, NY) In a surprise move, Hall of Fame line- vocative speakers that will spur discussion among the still doing research on ‘speaking’, because we’ve seen In response to the allegations, Popeye held a backer Lawrence “LT” Taylor has come out of retirement Hamilton community, the Kirkland Project has announced some side effects, with the most prominent being social press conference this morning. “I yam what I yam and to sign a three year deal with Campus Safety. Taylor, its next speaker: none other than former Iraqi dictator anxiety and making friends.” that’s all I yam,” Popeye said, tears welling in his eyes. who led the NFL in tackles for twenty-seven consecutive Saddam Hussein. Hussein will be the third speaker in the Alexander Graham Bell, the pioneer of com- “And I yam not juiced.” seasons, will join a young campus safety squad that was Kirkland Project’s “Assholes in Context” lecture series. munication technology who invented the telephone, could I’m strong to the finich, and it’s just spinach! I Many know of Hussein from the highly publi- among the worst in the nation last season at stopping the not be reached for comment because he’s been dead since yam not a dirty no-good cheatin’ palooka! It’s not right, cized “Gulf War One” and “Gulf War Two: Shaky Premise run.
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