Shame Vs. Guilt

Guilt and shame are not the same. Understanding the di erences between them can help us work through our negative self-judgments. When we are better able to grasp the di erence between healthy guilt, unhealthy guilt, and shame, we can begin to halt self-criticism and reject shame messages. Guilt is often experienced when we act against our values. Shame, on the other hand, is a deeply-held belief about our unworthiness as a person. Here’s a way to visualize it:

HELPFUL GUILT UNHELPFUL GUILT SHAME ( HEALTHY ) ( UNHEALTHY )

Helpful guilt is a feeling of Unhelpful guilt is a feeling of Shame is an intensely DEFINITION psychological discomfort psychological discomfort painful feeling of being about something we’ve about something we’ve done fundamentally ﬂawed. done that is objectively against our irrationally high wrong. standards.

Chris hit someone while Pat forgot a coworker’s Jamie feels like a worthless EXAMPLE driving drunk and feels name and feels terribly person who is only taking guilty. guilty about it. up people’s time and wasting space in the world.

Helpful guilt is caused by Unhelpful guilt is caused by Shame is caused by an CAUSE OF actions or behaviors that actions or behaviors that innate sense of being break objective deﬁnitions break irrationally high worthless or inherently FEELING of right and wrong. standards. defective.

We can experience guilt as We can experience guilt as We can experience shame WHEN IT early as age 3-6. early as age 3-6. as early as 15 months. (Developmentally, guilt is a (That’s why shame is more DEVELOPS more mature emotion than deeply wired in our brain shame.) and is more diﬃcult to reverse.)

We act in a way that breaks We act in a way that breaks We see ourselves as WHY WE objective standards of irrational standards of unworthy and deeply moral behavior. behavior developed early in ﬂawed. FEEL THIS childhood to please an adult.

Potentially positive. Negative. Negative. OUTCOME Healthy guilt allows us to Unhealthy guilt leads us to Shame causes us to fear seek forgiveness and emphasize self-punishment that we will be rejected, so correct a wrong. It can lead over behavior change, it tempts us to disconnect to healing. trapping us in guilt. from others and avoid what causes us shame. It could even start us down a path of deeper mental health problems like depression and substance abuse.

Healthy guilt resolves as we Unhealthy guilt remains Shame is internalized and RESOLUTION repair the damage we until we correct irrational deeply connected to our caused. beliefs. sense of who we are which makes it more diﬃcult to resolve.

Face the behavior that hurt Separate and resolve Exercise self-compassion to HOW TO self and others. healthy guilt to uncover shift feelings of shame and unhealthy guilt. move awareness away from Take responsibility for the WORK WITH self-criticism or proof of harm done. Practice self-compassion inadequacy. and work to understand that Seek forgiveness from the everyone possesses a Pursue relationships. person affected. combination of strengths Nurture connections and a Change destructive and weaknesses. sense of belonging with behavior and attitudes that others. Seek connection with created the harm. others. Joining a self-help Reclaim wholeness and group can offer support. heal relationship with the person affected.