December 3, 2012
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last issue of the semester! volume 12 - issue 13 - tuesday, december 4, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by kerrymartin So, here we are at the semester’s end. My fi rst months as an editor for the water tower have been fantastic, and I hope you, my possibly-devoted readers, have had fun absorbing my self-important editorials, liberal diatribes, and transparently biased reporting. I’ll be back in January, so stay tuned for this upcoming news: United States: During his re-inaugu- ral speech, President Barack Obama rolls and smokes a blunt, gives an unscripted performance of “Ms. Jackson” by Outkast, and warns Americans to brace themselves because “Barry’s in the house.” Later, in his State of the Union address, he maps out his plan to reestablish the Rough Riders, the Green Mountain Boys, and the Tuskegee Airmen to mount a three-pronged attack on Texas. graduating Mexico: In a surprise move, perhaps brought on by the spirit of the holidays, Mexico’s major drug cartels begin distrib- uting drugs for free, providing their labor- ers with dental plans, and devoting much of their manpower to protecting endangered jungle cats. Newly elected president En- rique Pena Nieto will have an unforeseen problem on his hands: thousands of deaths a year from jaguar attacks. Worried that Obama will ban assault rifl es, Nieto hops the border and buys an arsenal of AK-47s to quell the cat problem. United Kingdom: David Cameron is hospitalized aft er injuring himself while I’ve attended fi ve diff erent colleges in life came back. I will graduate UVM with a people why you think so. When you are dancing to “Gangnam Style.” In response, the fi ve years since I graduated high school. Bachelor’s of Science degree in Secondary told “no,” politely say thank you and fi nd Brits start cruelly discriminating against I fi nally graduate this month, so I must Education. someone else to ask. Always be respectful, South Koreans, violently attacking their have learned something, right? In this, my You have that thing. I can’t tell you never yell, and never say, “Life is unfair!” homes and small businesses. Eventually, last the water tower article, I off er you what that thing is and neither can anybody Life is unfair. Learn how to make it work the Koreans are chased to Ireland, where my refl ections as I leave the school I have else. You might not know until later in your for you. they teach Tae Kwon Do to the IRA. In a called home for a mere three semesters. life, but please, when you fi nd it, hold onto Be an “I,” not a “We.” Be you. Don’t be controversial move, Queen Elizabeth II Th e story of how this came to be is not it for dear life. You will do that much better you and your partner, don’t be you and your elopes with Psy. really what matters here. Even best friend, don’t be around France: President Francois Hollande’s though I have yet to meet some- you have an obligation to your subculture someone else every second of proposal to lower the retirement age to 35 one else who had the burden of to tell people what it’s really like and to stop us the day. Spend time by your- and outlaw graduate school is met with learning fi ve diff erent class reg- ignoramuses from perpetuating stereotypes self, fi gure out what you like, mixed responses. Th e upper classes, an- istration systems, I aim to keep and do it. One of my good noyed with Hollande’s socialist attempt to my advice universal. (Registra- friends likes to take herself to even the playing fi eld, head to the streets in tion becomes intuitive, no mat- the movies, and I think that’s protest. Th e lower classes, happy that Hol- ter what system the school uses, by the because the world will know your drive. brilliant. Do the same. At all costs, avoid lande sympathizes with their lack of educa- third school.) Learn to advocate for yourself in a way speaking in terms of, “We really liked the tion and blue-collar work schedules, head Find something you love so much it that works. I think this is the most impor- show.” Don’t ever let someone else tell you to the streets in protest. Hollande fi nishes makes you cry. Freshman year, coming tant skill in being an adult. As a child, you who to be. lunch and quells the protest, but not before back from my fi rst education class, which I most likely had all your needs met by oth- Stand up for your people. Whether fi ve North African immigrant apartment took on a whim, I realized there was noth- ers. As we grow up, we learn to meet those those people are punks, stoners, or queers, buildings are burned down and eight sheep ing I wanted to do but teach. I questioned needs ourselves. Th is means when the bal- you have an obligation to your subculture are sodomized. the feeling several times over the course of ance on your bill seems off , call the compa- to tell people what it’s really like and to stop Italy: Aft er facing charges of fraud, college, but whenever I got to walk into a ny and ask why. When the school’s policy us ignoramuses from perpetuating stereo- corruption, and sleeping with under-aged classroom and do what I do, the high of my on something seems unfair, tell the right types and, worse, bigotry. I’ve had people ... read the rest on page 7 ... read the rest on page 3 holiday movie picks a very jewish christmas granny panties london calling retrospective by dannissim by yoomeeohayon by sarahperda by jamesaglio and benberrick news ticker: +++ Gay-friendly mosque opens in Paris, so, good for them +++ Supreme Court to look at Defense of Marriage Act in the next year: White House not supporting bill law g 2013-continued from page 1 by bendonovan Moroccan prostitutes, Prime Min- ister Silvio Berlusconi is reelected in a Pundits have put forward a long list of landslide victory. explanations for why the Republicans lost Israel: Angered by Palestine’s up- this election—changing demographics in grade to a nonmember observer state by the electorate, a better-run campaign on the U.N. General Assembly, Prime Min- the part of the Democrats, and Romney’s ister Benjamin Netanyahu orders that complete lack of personality top the list. Dear , the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and East readers with georgeloftus But the basic fact of the matter is that the Jerusalem be dug up and thrown into Republicans lost because they made them- the Mediterranean Sea as new islands. Considering that it is the end of fall semester, the water tower is losing a good Brennan’s- It’s the week before finals start and the only beer you’re serving is selves unelectable. The GOP has allowed portion of our staff, current and former, this semester to early and late graduations. So Blackberry Wheat? What the fuck is that about? It’s bad enough you got rid of Israelis are baffled at how to follow the itself to be dominated by a small group of order, but the Palestinian Liberation Or- we wanted to say congratulations and good luck to everyone to the following: Switchback, literally the only thing Vermont can brag about besides cheese and hardcore conservatives, whose views are far having the most white people per capita, but to only have this brew on tap is bor- by jamesaglio ganization quickly complied. The impov- to the right of the American mainstream— erished Gaza Strip heads to the Aegean Laura Dillon derline criminal. and voters responded by handing them a Ben Donovan Now that the election has run its People are acting like this last election Sea near Greece and fits in quickly; the resounding defeat in an election they prob- West Bank wedges itself between Corsica Laura Frangipane Rebecca Alitwala Kadaga- Have you heard of this lady? I hadn’t either, until, as course, it has become the job of pundits ev- was some miracle upset, when in fact it is, ably should have won. Josh Hegarty Uganda’s Speaker of the House of Parliament she announced that she would pass erywhere to figure out why the Grand Old at most, part of a trend. We’ll have to wait and Sardinia to become the new ocean- Just look at the Republican primary; front tourist destination (to no avail); Megan Kelley a bill that would kill all LGBT-identified people and HIV/AIDS victims in her na- Party lost by such a wide margin and where another two years to see if the Republicans while Obama and the Democrats were George Loftus tion as a “Christmas present” to the Ugandan people. they will go from here. The commonly told conquer the midterms again, but I wouldn’t and East Jerusalem goes to join Ibiza, actually, well, doing stuff, the Republicans driving thousands of residents to aban- story is that the old, rich white Republican bet against them just yet. Whether they spent nine months debating the moral- You have all played a big part in making the water tower what it has been for the Finals- Really? Already? Didn’t we, like, just have midterms? Now you want us to did not have a ground game that was com- ought to change is unrelated, but anyone don Islam and go ham with drunk, horny ity of birth control.