Craccum-1981-055-016.Pdf
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C R A C C U M July 21 1981 24 tich which letters 8. Further WHO'S A SILLY BOY, THEN? arcade join Donim around, and then invited them for a It has been asked w hy some people write do the other 10,500 think? I bet they think like I T . Dear C R A C K E M , "light snack". W hen the dining room doors continuous letters like this. W ell I write them do, that the whole thing is a farce, and that I ne peep-sl [ ^ er last week's silly letter, here is the even opened there was a long table filled with plates to establish some type of imagined readership every serious candidate is just as ultra left-wing :ographic sillier: ALFRED NONYM OUS AND THE full of grapefruit, and also at the end of the empire, push some particular unidentified as the rest. Well, this year you all have a GRAPEFRUIT STRIKES BACKI: peep show table was Agent Grapefruit and Colonel cause, and for m y own alter-ego trip just like chance to stand and be counted. This year there the inside, ai Froggy Kent was minding his own business Riphurheddoff along with that whinger Baby Nigel Pearson suggqpted. It compensates for is a serious candidate who: on the planet of Hothity when he noticed a Fitt. Alfred chucked a grapefruit at them, but >ne. For 5 m y own dull and boring personality since I'm 1) ls N O T a communist or socialist. strange c r a c c u m d r o id w h e e lin g a r o u n d t h e the Agent used the dark side of the farce to just a First Year Science Student. It is so much 2) Does N O T remain a perpetual student, lute segmeni campus. The farce told Froggy that this was a heave it back at them, and then ordered them fun to walk around the quad and peer over just to re-run for president every year. hile many spy craccum droid sent by the evil minds of to be taken away. Agent Grapefruit then their shoulders and watch them reading m y 3) SUPPORTS the tour (and the smelter). queues wait! AGENT GRAPEFRUIT and COLONEL decided to test his new freezing chamber so he exciting letters in the pages of Craccum, with 4) Has had a G UTSFUL of all the whingeing, TIIPHURHEDDOFF. He quickly ran down to the s waiting decided to try it out on Maya Sue Donim, and Dak's witty captions above. Hee hee hee, and bleeding heart m inority pressure groups that phones in the basement of the Maths/Physics so he froze her to Alfred's dismay. This made nobody kpows who it is who writes them give Auckland University a totally undeserved 3 P a rty" Building, and changed into ALFRED Alfred very angry, so he finally pulled out a except Alfred Nonymous! Although I think I b a d n a m e . I wondei WONYMOUSI He met Maya Sue Donim at the rolled up Craccum, and challenged Agent may have been getting funny looks from Dak This year you can show that you are proud 3er basket w , and they rushed up to the Craccum Grapefruit to a craccumsabre fightl as I walk past him, or m aybe it's just m y of your University, that you appreciate the Office to w a r n t h e R e b e l L e a d e r D a k l S e r g e a n t Alfred Nonym ous and Agent Grapefruit lit imagination. Ah, who cares anyway? education the taxpayer is giving you, and that Dak quickly called an em ergency meeting, and ire to their craccumsabres, and both began to fight BORING! Anyway, until next week I remain; you, too, are fed up with the bad image a few then all of Hothity Base was frantically savagely. After hours of this fun, Alfred cut off stirrers are giving you. this morning preparing for the im m inent grapefruit attack. Agent Grapefruit's head, and noticed very little Yours in Insanity, The candidate is Gavin D. McLellan: the Suddenly they came, the tie-craccums firing ss the fiowei difference! Then Colonel Riphurheddoff took a Alfred Nonymous official Grapefruit candidate. The only :adem ic rotten grapefruits at the Rebel Base, and led by craccumsabre, and quickly had his head cut off candidate that the Agent has ever supported. the Agent and Colonel in the om inous KILLER i w ho le thing since he was an uncoordinated little twitl P.S. Coming next week: ALFRED The only candidate who thinks like YO U do. GRAPEFRUIT that was zapping the base with Shocked at the death of their leaders, and NONYMOUS THINKS BIGI Vote for McLellan, give the bastards a shock, i you leave death rays. The Rebels retaliated fiercely with disorganised, ignorant, and incompetent as P.P.S. Here's a test for the poor typesetter: show them how many there are of you!!! 600 ak the spell, their own craccdm lasers and X-craccum s, but well, they let Alfred run halfway back to the #j)-384jfd8'(**$*kdos82340H'()g78U9djf8JOh'2F votes and he will be in. I size ; they were obviously being beaten, so Sergeant MILLENIUM CRACCUM before they started jqhLdje90'""""'xxxs'('Et%*&'%*&&'4564. filled the Dak ordered a mass evacuation, and everybody chasing him (well this is the only w ay I can How about: Que pasa senor? Tiene kolen! Yours very sincerely. took off in X-craccum s, except for Alfred think of ending the story). Firing death bolts as es to protect Neat typewriter, huh Dak? Agent Grapefruit. Nonymous and Maya Sue Donim who took off he ran, Alfred Nonym ous got into the in the M ILLENIUM CRACCUM I The Rebel MILLENIUM CRACCUM and was into P.S. Don't be fooled - the only difference Army did as much damage as they could to on/vay bus, hyperspace before the Imperials could catch WRONG ALL OVER THE PLACE between Stephen Fullerton and Stephen Deople would! the KILLER GRAPEFRUIT, but could not him, as the fickle machine finally worked this Dear cute, gorgeous and cuddly editor, Mitchell is the spelling. destroy it, so they all just split into hyperspace >n the bus time! He had also zapped the KILLER You've been censoring m y letters again, P.P.S. If you censor this out, DAK, I will to get away from the Imperials. GRAPEFRUIT into a million bits before the jump issed and haven't you? Actually, I think you have been instruct m y camel to perform several obscene Unfortunately Alfred Nonym ous had trouble to hamper any retaliation. just a bit too harsh on m y last letter, because it acts of sanitation upon your letterbox, at ; head, with the hyperspace controls, so he could not Alfred Nonym ous was satisfied that he had only mentioned feminists once, for just a few regular intervals, for a long, long time. the slurring escape th e K I L L E R G R A P E F R U I T a n d killed Agent Grapefruit and Colonel lines. But if they really need to be protected by had to say, tie-craccums that were now pursuing the Riphurheddoff, and destroyed the DEATH you to such an extent, let them carry on that MILLENIUM CRACCUM . Alfred used the farce GRAPEFRUIT but even as he thought that, a way. They can stay away from noticeboards to dodge the death rays and rotten grapefruit, shit-stirring in the farce told him that the evil and then they won't get offended, because TRAGEDY OF FOLDER-CLIPS ith song, if but he could not keep it up for long, so he just pair would still recover som ehow from their m any copies of that last letter will soon be Dear Yorrick, >r chrissakes turned th e M I L L E N I U M C R A C C U M a r o u n d , loss of heads. Probably because their heads a p p e a r in g . I'm sure that no-one (that is to say, no omebody el: and headed straight for the KILLER were not so vital to them in the first place! Anyw ay, this letter is not about feminists. sensitive person) would want to suggest that GRAPEFRUITI Agent Grapefruit and Colonel Anyway, Alfred headed towards a rendezvous No - there is a far more ridiculous thing about your desire to purchase a single folder clip was Riphurheddoff were stunned as it approached point with the Rebels to build a new Rebel a trivial matter. somebody to happen. The presidential electionsl! In them, and then disappeared from their screens Base, and started thinking up ways of rescuing previous years, I have just sat passively and Folder clips are cussedly difficult little d re tty altogether! Agent Grapefruit was so angry that Maya Sue Donim. watched the whole show pass by, doing no gadgets. The come 50 tops and 50 bottoms to all enjoying he used the farce to strangle som e more than cast m y vote for some joke a pack, and we were always finding ourselves m ean if you controlpersons w ho he thought were T*H*E E*N*D candidate or for No Confidence. Now, there's left with too many tops or bottoms.