Office of Student Affairs
2009-4-1
A Modest Proposal, vol. 5, no. 7
Richard Badgett, et al.
© 2009 A Modest Proposal
Find more information about this article here. This document has been made available for free and open access by the Eugene McDermott Library. Contact [email protected] for further information.
T H £: STUDENT OPINION PUBLICATI
as Discourse Run Its COu se. H ow petty stage-fighting and cheap, antagonistic "journalism" are destroying thoughtful discussion in America. Pages 11-13
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J? .... , J .... you h~ave a+-> op·~ ., . b ~h /"~1.cles · · , 1'£ , .: :1 . ~ , ·- · ~. ·J.ulOna _out:eam u · Submit articl'es and artwork to AMP! 1 e, _ relrgwn, sex· and ev' :;.n.: h·ab · .. .. : p s W _pol~tlcs,k · .. · · · ' · "" y-:eattng · ., . e ·as for ..atticleS: that. are· w 'e11 -wntten. . and. ; . . ap-. proximately 8{)0 words. Ever h. . . ·.. . up tO 0 I C) ' · , , -,yt ~ng beyond that IS E ~ u.. .ur story meetmg is Aprilll th a:t 7 PM r:nal artlcl~s as attachments t d. . . . . gmail.com Plea . o amo estproposal@ . . . . . se liiclude a face-forward h. ·h . al tty picture of youi:self and yoi.ir fu11 n ' .Jg qu .- missjons An · . .. arne Wlth subc . . ·. ... .yon~ can contnbute. This month's'd d. 1me 1s Fnday,Aprill7th. . · ea - A M oDEST P ROPOSAL CoNTENTs 3 In This Issue. • • CAMP US L IF E Pathetic, Apathetic I 2 Three Horsemen Herald 4 UTD Death of Discourse Student apathy on campus BY ART ZACHARY hinders change .. BY BILLY EASLEY G L OBAL POLITICS Langu~g~ Not 14 Honeymoon Period . Langutslllng So little time, so many things to do Progress on the path to a better university BY ALICE POST BY KENNY GRAY 6 TVOrNotTV I 5 Double Bonus UTD-TV begins on campus Congress'"foul play" threatens to BY ALEX GARCIA TOPETE establish a dangerous precedent BY SARA MAHMOOD SociAL CoMM ENTARY ARTS & LEI SLJRE Complex Matter 7 Scientific "Progress" is not as straightforward as it seems I 6 The Spin Cycle BY LIZ ORGAN Lonely Island, The Decemberists and Royksopp 8-Welcoming Bush BY RYAN HENRY Bush's Dallas return will bring business and prestige The Menu BY JESSICA HUSEMAN This Month: Cafe Brazil ~y BRADY SPENRATH 9 What A Dirty Rat P erfidious pope pokes prophylac tic prospects, proselytizes poorly Depp's Best BY RICHARD BADGETT Five films show D epp's acting depth B_Y jOHN HARDING IO The Real Right to Work Unions in America and the PUZZLES & GAMES E mployee Free Choice Act BY AARON ARNOLD 19 Comics II Discourse Is Dead L ack of reasonable discourse leads 20 Puzzles Page t o uneducated Ameri can ~ BY TAYLOR BRIGANCE 22 The Uranus iJottua.rumtfv tbq~·t tmiver- sityadmitristrittiorz, the, Board~{ R~~utrif1l;,~U!1h•ersi!J r-f1t~ti!:t. , System, or oftbt operating board rf the uewfpap.~ 4 C A M P U S ~.-.~--:-=-.... __l...... L-I....._F_.__E ______Pathetic, Apathetic ·UTD The student-university relationship will change, but notfast enough by billy easley biUycaslcyU!>gmail.com Elections matter - yes, even those in student gover nance. By the time this article has been printed, our student representatives will have already been chosen. The hastily put together ucarnpaigns" will have been forgotten. If there are any vestiges of election fervor left, Spring Break will surely have removed the lingering memories. What I've realized is something quite perplexing: In the end, the typical UTD student doesn't care much about Student GO\'ernment. My last article focused on international politics and the ramifications that important elections across the globe could · have on America; but UTD's Student Government, a body of representatives that we as students are far more capable of influencing, had hardly crossed my mind. There are plen ty of people who might ask why we should even care about rampant apathy concerning Student Government. There are a ton of reasonable objections to that appeal; but for the sake of time, let's focus on the most crushing response ro those who shrug at Student Government. 1he Student Government serves you. It isn't like Stu dent Congress in high school; this is serious business that affects our daily lives as students. As a commuter student, I believed I didn't have much at stake in these elections, but UTD diploma available for eight easy payments of $5,000. Phoroillustration by richard badgett that belief is a nothing more than an illusion designed to excuse our malaise. has a losing or a winning season, that pride will still ex tangible. But I realized that there wasn't any real difference The simple truth is that most students on this campus ist; it doesn't depend on the existence of a football team between any of the coalitions that were involved in the lat are nor concerned with the well-being and development - it thrives on the collective pride that's intrinsic within est SG election. I realized that Team TEAD was going of the campus. UTD is a tool - you attend UTD so you the people who attend that university. to win- not because its members.were people who were can get a degree. You benefit from UTD's accreditation, but At UTD, we have a basketball team that should be re interested in changing student life, but because it was the um does not benefit from your attendance since you're ceiving accolades for the season it's had - but it's as un most successful at branding its campaign. not involved. derappreciated as Qur chess team. That's because there's no Honesdy though, until there's a cultural change that You shrug - perhaps you roll your eyes at my epiphany impetus to care whether the university succeeds or fails. The causes students to feel that UTD is worth investing in, the concerning something l should have known already. I can only thing that matters is whether you graduate. That's the quality of SG is the least ofUTD's problems. see your response from beyond the page because it's both culture at UTD. I'm against any forced or mandatory appeals that arc predictable and understandable. I'm not accusing you of la - I had this unfortunate epiphany on Election Night. I meant to expedite that process, such as creating a foot ziness. I'm not accusing UTD's Administration of not try was sitting in the Galaxy Rooms as the ballots were being ball team or making freshmen stay on campus. Hopefully, ing hard enough to make you have a stake in the growth counted. It was hardly a note~orthy affair- as I sat there with the new dorms - despite all the controversy swirling of tjle campus. UTD is undergoing a necessary phase of in the heart of Student Government. The air was filled "vith around the food costs - UTD's image as just a commuter growth - this campus is forming its own identity. It's go a sense of subdued anticipation instead of intensity. The · school could be changed into something 111:uch more. ing to be a long and arduous process that can't be rushed votes were counted with calculated efficiency. For an added Eighty-three out of6,000 graduate students voted in the but can't be completed soon enough. Until this campus can bit of fun, the dedicated election officials started whistling SG elections. Apparently, that's a pretty good turnout. But be regarded by the majority of the students who attend it, the tune of Kill Bill as they counted - I decided to talk to this is ultimately why so many initiatives to engage the stu with some level of distinct pride at a foundational level civic some of the people running for office. dent body in campus life fail. This is also why Team TEAD, engagement will remain limited. From the conversations I've had, I would go so far as Student Voice, and Open Source will most likely fail to Overreacting to this problem is the worst possible ap to say that more than 75 percent of the people who were achieve rheir goals concerning the student body. • proach. A football team won't create an explosion of school running for office were truly invested in the idea of making spirit.'OU's football team isn't responsible for that school's UTD a better campus. The glint they had in their eyes and Billy Easley is too cDQ/ for sdJDQ/, wbich is why he ncua w/t11 team spirit - it's simply a medium of expression for the the excitement that characterized their promise of creating ncwr goes to cltur, and ncwr talus offhis shadn. pride _which already pervades the campus. Whether OU a student body that was highly involved in the campus was Disnm this arlid~ at amp , uttla/Jas.~du! A M ODEST P ROPOSAL CAMPUS LIFE 5 n Progress on the path to a better university meetings with the committee, Dr. Den proofed temporary practice rooms, such except with a nis Kratz, dean of the Arts & Humani as those used at UT Austin, don't look professor over ties, asked them to broaden their scope bad or "temporary,» the administration seeing them. from practict( rooms and music for gen will look into them. These gains eral recognition of the need to improve Since the university currently has are tremendous by ken ny gray · Arts & Humanities offerings. only one good piano in the John boosts for the [email protected] The committee had already heard son building (another is in the Galaxy university. Ac general complaints from many non ~ooms , but out of tune), the committee cording to an The first installment of this series, A&H students who wanted to develop presented Dr. Wildenthal with research AMP member, printed in the November 2008 issue ofA their talents or learn another language. on the cost of quality pianos (as little as the Fall 2008 In Modest Proposal, outlined several reasons The committee set up an online peti around $5,000). Dr. Wildenthal said he termediate German the language program at UTD remains tion to advocate "stronger administra would look into purchasing three or four was dropped even though underdeveloped. It ended with a call tive emphasis on arts and humanities pianos. seven students had en for students to take action and secure programs." Mentio.ned more specifically For the foreign language program, rolled. In the future, that a better language program. The UTD were the foreign language and th~ music Shahrokhi advocated a fourth semester of class would not be dropped. The survey faculty, eager to hear from students and programs, with great importance placed language classes to count as Humanities is a tremendous opportunity to build the work with them to provide a more en- on giving attention to and improving aU credit. That has not been obtained, but the foreign language program. I encourage riching educational experLence, works of the Arts & Humanities. The petition committee did work out another solution everyone not only to vote but also to hard to improve the university com (at www.petitiononline.com/UTDAH/ which will strengthen this.program. be strategic: If you know that your top munity. Only some'effort from students petition.html) can still be signed, so add The committee asked Dr. Wildenthal choice for a language is going strong will get the ball rolling, especially since your voice if you support the mission. to drop the minimum 10-stu'dents-per right now, choose your second - we much of what we identify as problems Mter a few weeks and more than 400 class requirement. H e promised that if a should try to reap as much benefit from has likely been considered by adminis signatures, the committee took the peti class doesn't have 10 students but has a this as we can. trators. Sometimes students bring up tion to Provost Dr. Hobson Wildenthal, decent number (say five or six), he would This turn of events is a shining exam ideas the administration hasn't consid according to Academic Affairs Com pressure Arts & H umanities not to drop ple not only of the exact kind of team ered or didn't know about. Thanks to the mittee Chair Dina Shahrokhi. it. Perhaps Shahrokhi said it best, "Dr. work and initiative that UTD needs in endeavors of hardworking members of Dr. Wildenthal told the commit Wildenthal wants to find a way to make order to move forward but also of the Student Government, aU of these hap tee Arts & Humanities will receive a it work. H e doesn't want to let money amazing things SG can do. Everyone pened. S2 million building for painting, draw stop' us- his vision for the university is should take some time to thank Stu Two members of the Academic M ing, and music. Plans for the building not simply teaching Spanish I and II." dent Govemment and Dr. Wildenthal fairs Committee of Student Govern include practice rooms, locker space fo r Wildenthal also asked the committee for their hard work. More importantly, ment, Lewis Chang and Emily Lich large instruments, and a well-lit area to conduct a survey and find out which everyone should contact senators on tenheJd, set out to improve the music with good easels. three or four languages interest the most Student Government and voice more program, specifi Lichtenheld raised the point, as sev UTD students. Once he has that infor concerns. If you see something missing cally to obtain eral students have complained, that other mation, Wildenthal will guarantee four from the university, do something about better practice universities provide large instruments so semesters of classes for those languages. it. M ake a petition, rally some people and students don't have to lug them around. That question will be included in a stu together, tell Student Government, run pianos. In To address this, the university will have dent-body-wide survey with questions for Student Government. There are re some large instruments on hand for stu from every Student Government com sources available, and the administration dents to use. mittee, which SG will release soon. is willing to act. Let's keep working to Dr. Wildenthal didn't mention Dr. Wildenthal also said he would gether to tackle our problems. • soundproofing for the practice room~. so explore the possibility'of.setting up lan guage tutorial sessions 'that' would meet the committee made sure to emp h~s lte Kmny (;ray wriltdhis u11 sturymdn: the necessity and importance. After tlie weekly. They would not 'count as class Ht art .w gOQd Illustrations by liam skoyles and mac hird c6mmittee informed him that sound- but would operate rlke a· language club, !Yismss this llrti'rlt at qmJ!.utdallaudu! 6 CAMPUS LIFE APRIL 2009 • V oLUME 5 • I ssuE 7 TV -r Not TV UTD-TV is the newest addition to Student Media on campu-s. nalists to fill up our news sections. We are not a 24-hour network like CNN, and we are definitely not Fox News {fortunately); but working with UTD-TV will still mean by alex garcia topete going after the news around our campus [email protected] to fill 10-to-15-minute newscasts evecy week. Anchors, reporters, videographers, First was 7he UTD Mtrcury. Later came and editors are all needed for the produc Radio UTD and, of course, A Modest Pro tion of the newscasts - from coverage of posal. Then, just two years ago, the Cosmic events to shooting the newscast with the Filin Festival became the latest form of anchors. So, who wants to be UTD's Wal expression and entertainment on campus. ter Cronkite? Now, in 2009, yet another branch of the WE NEED people to do the recaps media comes to our university - UTD of events at UTD, too. This entails cov online television, or as we chose to call it, ering events, but to a greater extent - as UTD-TV. in, planning to have a whole 15-rninute I promise that this is not all a con capsule about it with all of its highlights. spiracy to turn UTD students into idiots For example, a soccer-match recap might by bombarding them with "viral" content, be several minutes of slide-tackles, shots, since UTD-TV is not Hulu, and the peo passes, cool dribbling, fouls, and, of course, ple behind it are not aliens. On the con goals. trary, UTD-TV is a new opportunity for · Since there is so much·constantly going students to get informed about campus on around UTD, we will need quite a few while also having fun by watching or even people in order to cover everything. If you producing online shows. already root for our sports team, go to the You might ask: "What exactly is UTD concerts, or attend Student Government TV?"Well, it is a student orgaflization that meetings, then why not take a camera with will run an online TV station delivering you? newscasts, UTD-event recaps (such as However, UTD-TV will not be all concerts and sports matches),. and differ about news-type coverage; we want to have UTD-TV goes live in May. Illustration by mac hird ent shows- all produced by the students shows of all categories. We need creative H ow about a favorite of the doctors-to events for their campus organizations. Be for the students. Thanks to UTD's Alumni people to produce the shows students will be at Um, Grey's Anatomy - who dares sides the shows, newscasts, and recaps, we Fund, we were able to purchase top-of watch and enjoy. to adapt the medical soap opera to the col \viii have ads posted before and after the the-line equipment and the cameras began H ow about a talk show? You could dis lege setting? Or perhaps somebody would video-capsules online. Also, we might put rolling after Spring Break in anticipation cuss current topics like Whoopi Goldberg like to try a whodunit a la CSI or Law & banners in the videos and on the web pages of going "live" (meaning, producing shows and company in The View or poke fun at Order where somebody has to catch the announcing upcoming events and promot regularly) in May. politics like Jon Stewart. You could emu guy cheating. A genius student who is also ing other student organizations. UTD-TV But in order to become a successful TV late Rachael Ray and give advice about col a huge jackass? How about a show about will take care of the design of the ads and station, we need a group of talented and lege-cooking and the like. nerds, since we have plenty around? Any banners, if need be. Could you ask for a committed people who help with the pro You could even attempt a sitcom. May ATEC majors willing to develop the great better deal in advertising? duction of all the materials. We have the be someone can come up with a cool con next animation, the successor of South I urge everyone to jump onto the band equipment, and now we need people to cept for a Friends-style show, with lovable Park? wagon of arts & media at UTD. You could use it to the best of its potential. In other and funny characters, or a Scrubs-inspired You can be creative -just watch TV, do so by being a productive member UTD words, WE NEED YOU. sitcom with the insight of crazy cut-away s learn from the shows, and give yourself a TV or by doing little things like signing WE NEED all of you potential jour- thought by the cast. shot ~t making your own. UTD-TV will the Arts Petition going around campus. If be willing to help you realize your vision you want more information, contact UTD of a show. TV through Facebook or just wait for our i i ... just watch TY, learn from the shows, and give Content aside, as a good mass-media website to be online in the near future.• yourself a shot at making your own. UTD-TV will organization, WE NEED PARTNERS to "sponsor" shows by filling free public ser 'The r~al reaJon iflD-TV wm ;ppr~d: be willing to help you realize your vision ... vice anouncement spaces, in other words Alex Garua Toptlt is going lo look woo good on TV. '' people who want to broadcast/announce Disnus this article at amp.utdql/gs.cdu! -~~jjl- 7 Scientific "Progress" is not as straightforward as it seems by liz organ [email protected] On March 9, 2009, President Barak Obama issued an executive order which reversed lWO previous orders by President George Bush that limited the use of fed eral funds for embryonic stem cell lines created prior to an arbitrary 2001 date. Obama's order lifts the funding ban and gives the National Institute of Health 120 days to review legislation and issue "appropriate safeguards" to ensure funded research will not overstep the bounds of The United States is just another lemming as it follows ~e rest of the world in stem cell research. Illustration by scott ungchusri ethics where human life is concerned, es pecially human cloning. ist outside of a religious framework: the that distinction just as arbitrary as the Roe payer money to fund such research is a This presidential action has drawn National lnstinJte for Health has a De v. Wade trimester system for legal abor major blunder. Forcing Americans to pay criticism from pro-life figures and con partment of Bioethics that has been re tions? Even supporters of the principles for something many consider to be a vio servatives. But the media response has searching and discussing the issue. 1be behind that decision seldom agree on the lation of the right to life of every human largely been a message of the "triumph" of information gained from these screening particulars, and because we cannot be sure being constitutes an irresponsible and scientific progress over those determined tests leads tc;> decisions on the part of the what elements make up a human life, we unethical use of federal dollars. Let fed to block it. Dismissing the arguments parents about whether or not to abort the cannot know with certainty when an em eral funding be used to pursue adult stem against embryonic stem cell research as child. Even the UN, in its Universal D ec bryo becomes a heing with the right to cell research, and let ethically-question "anti-science" propaganda is horribly of laration on H uman Rights, affirmed the live. able research, like using embryonic stem fensive and incorrect. fundamental human "right to life, liberty Much has been made of Bush's 2001 cells, be funded through private sources. Many of these arguments are ground and security of person." These organiza executive order, but it did open up the Do not force people to fund research that ed in logic and follow from the most ba tions arc secular in nature. opportunity for researchers to work on may impinge upon humans' right to life. sic human right of all- the right to life, The fact of the matter is that any pro alternative methods of stem cell research ln short, Obama's new mandate ush which has been constantly acknowledged cedure which involves the destruction of using adult cells rather than embryonic ers in a new era for stem cell research and by an overwhelming majority - and are embryos requires that a judgment call be ones. Now, induced pluripotent cells cre its promise as a tool to learn more about also direct criticisms of the motivations of made about when life truly begins. A sig ated using adult skin cells possess many fighting disease, but this new era is a dan the new policy itself. nificant portion of our country believes of the basic characteristics of embryonic gerous one. If the safeguards put in place One reason cited for this change is the life is more than just a fusion of chemi stem cells and can be used for research. arc not airtight, researchers will find ways need to keep our research on par with for cals and genes and flesh, and for them, it Use of these cells does not involve the to get money for projects that involve eign competitors, to whom we are losing is impossible to know for certain when same ethical issues as using embryonic cloning and destruction of life. The intro our best and brightest stem cell research-· the animating force or spirit/soul behind cells, and they have shown a great deal duction of federal funding into a scientific ers. 'This argument is both timeless and life becomes part of the physical being of of promise so far. Though stem cells from arena that may be life-destroying rather childish. It is a more complicated version the person. By allowing embryonic stem embryos are easier to harvest than these than life-affirming is problematic at best. of the lemming dilemma-if one jumps cell research to take place, we make a de induced pluripotent cells, ease should But to simplify this issue into a science off a cliff, should the others automatically cision about whether or not we consider never be an excuse for pursuing ethi versus anti-science argument is erroneous. follow? embryos to be human beings that deserve cally.unsound research, especially when a 1he discussion of the merits and pitfalls Other countries can do whatever they the right to live. more ethical - albeit more complicated of embryonic stem cell research is much want, and on some level, their policy de Those who do not believe in any such and time-consuming - way of doing the more complex than the media's portrayal cisions will always affect us because the spirit must still ask what really constitutes same research exists. of its supporters as the "scientific enlight world is an interconnected network of life? Is it simply our genes and physical The primary problem with this whole ened" and its opponents as Dark-Age cause-and-effect relationships. But can matter? In that case, all our genes are situation has yet to be addressed. Given hillbillies.• we afford to sacrifice basic human rights present from the moment of conceptic)fi that we cannot know for. sure when an embryo or a fetus tnll.y'a human life, just because "everyone else is doing it?" forward. By allowing embryo& to be used is Liz Organ wondm' why w..-r..- uttlingfor pluripoient And for anyone who argues that bio for research, we set a fuzzy distinction b~ and given that many Americans find this ulls whm oitmipotmt ul/Jor..- within Ot • . . Bush's Dallas return will bring business, prestige even ifhe's unpopular . . ..0 :• .·:•:: :: ..· .. ii Heck, even • •• . : :::1 Nixon had speaking by jessica huseman [email protected] engagements ... Bush is BACK! Some of you might ering how involved both of them have find the exclamation mark slightly inap been in championing public education.'' propriate, considering his lack of popu Laura Bush even has detailed knowledge larity, but I think it's fantastic. All of you of DISD, since she taught for years at Bush-haters can stop worrying. He's not Longfellow Elementary. creating policy, he's not running the.war, Immigration may also receive their at he's not even walking his dog on the tention. A large portion of Bush's time, White House lawn. He's back, so let's let both as a governor and as president, was him bring home the benefits. spent encouraging the full assimilation Benefits? What? Yes. Having an of immigrants. Given Dallas's rapidly ex-president move-in is something for changing demographics, this could be which most cities would hock their first huge. Fittingly, one of Bush's lase !=ails as born, especially considering our rocky he left office was made to former Mexi economic times. Being an ex-president is can president Vicente Fox. Bush's con big business. cern for Mexico's progress may also help Ford was the first to cash in on it. He relations with our southern neighbor. hired an agent and started bringing in the Bush's time in office was also spent bacon with paid speeches, appearances, spearheading an unpr_ccedented AIDS and book deals, quickly pulling in more campaign in Mrica. Given the time he than S1.7 million a year. And post-presi poured into it, it is doubtful he y.rill cease dential incomes have been rising ever his involvement anytime soon. His efforts President Bush will bring added prosperity to Dalla.s. Photoillustration by scott ungchusri since. Reagan made $2 million a year, were crucial in places like Zambia and George H .W. Bush made S4 million, and istan of the Taliban, and thereby allowing • for Dallas, as major Dallas-based busi Ghana, where instead of simply throw Clinton brings it home with a net worth India to improve relations with Mghani nesses go international. Many already ing money at the problem, he worked to of more than $100 million. stan. He also made it possible for India to have a huge stake in Asia. Companies empower communities to find local solu While Bush may not be as popular as have access to civilian nuclear technology like Hewlett-Packard and AT&T have tions. Because of this, Bush has near-ce these past presidents, he'll still be making and fuel, and then topped it all off by vis several customer service and manufactur lebrity status in parts of Mrica. Women quite a bit of money just because of the iting India in 2006 to establish bilateral ing companies set up in China and In don his image on their dresses, and his "president" bullet point on his resume. relations. Basically, Bush opened the door dia, and Ross Perot has more employees face is plastered on billboards of thanks. Heck, even Nixon had speaking engage for India to be viewed as a super power. in India than in the United States. But And while Mrka may not be the next ments. And, Dallas will be the home to And, they love him for it. China and India rely heavily on Dallas as place AT&T chooses to place their call all of this. China isn't too far behind in member well. Their packages are shipped from the centers, it's nice to know that his AIDS In addition, having a president living ship for the Bush fan club either. While Port of Long Beach to Dallas Inland Port campaign might be based in Dallas so in Dallas will only cause the property val the Chinese government doesn't exacdy for distribution all across the country. It's that we as citizens have opportunities to ue of surrounding houses and neighbor encourage public opinion polls, Bush is clear Dallas' connection to Bush will be a get involved. hoods to soar. The homes in Daria Place extremely popular with both the Chinese huge benefit. Bush may not be well-liked; some of ~ where Bush's house is located - nave people and the Chinese government. He And Bush's benefits won't be purely you may even claim to hate him. Mter already begun to appreciate in price and, immediately reached out to them after economic. Many speculate that George all, he got us into a nasty war, and he has by the end of this year they are predicted 9/11, pushing free-trade policies that and Laura will return to the lifestyle of despicable grammar. But, he is no longer to double. helped China become the third largest civic involvement they lead before mov controlling politics, and so it's time to Dallas will also benefit because of econ.omy in the world. He theri topped ing to Austin and then Washington, stop refusing to see the good thing right Bush's popularity (yes, popularity) over it with the proverbial cherry by attend D.C. They were major players in the de in front of you. Leave him be, and let this seas. As it turns out, Bush is actually pretr ing and supporting the 2008 Olympics, velopment of the Wesley-Rankin Com be a good thing. ty well-liked in Asia. In India, he is the something v~ry few politicians did in mW}.ity Center in West Dallas, and once most popular American president in his the face of Cftina's poor human rights thc;y get s~ ttled, there are many things Whm]mita mfJ'Wd into ht!r ndghborhbod, home tory. Which isri't surprising, considering record. t\;to)'j.could devote their time to. Educa prices quadrupled. Suck aJt.that.. Bush! his s ucce~s 'in essentially ri~ding Nghan- All this could become a hl\ge asset tiQn , w.o~d ma,ke the most sense, ,consid- l)iscuss this artitle qt B.l11~, 1!fdqllifJ. tJJHZ .. •.• - • '. h ' ' .• A MODE ST PROPOSAL SociAL CoMMENTARY 9 Rat Perfidious_ pope pokes prophylactic pros ects, proselytizes poorly by richard badgett [email protected] The Pope is a no-good, lying, inhuman wretch who will distort facts to suit his own Dark-Age version of Catholicism. To un derstand what I mean,let's go back in time . a few months. It's February, and '!he New York Times is running a front page story about the Catholic Church's reintroduction of indul gences. For those who failed high school world history, indulgences are something like a personal pardon from the Pope. They don't erase sin in God's eyes, but if a sin is already confessed to, indulgences can be is sued to .manumit the time a sinner spends in purgatory. The practice is archaic and more than a little contentious, but the reason I bring it up isn't to offer a serious doctrinal challenge to Catholicism. Rather, l want to set the stage for the kind of 15th-century view of his role that Benedict XV1 espouses. He's a With your hands up high and your feet down low, that's how Pope Benedict does the Comet-0. Photo courtesy of wikimedia commons. backward, hateful, evil man and an embar rassment to both Catholicism and human through the distribution ofcondoms, which twins. Being a mere 80 pounds and NINE For more examples of what I mean by ity. The last four years have seen a reversal can even increase the problem." YEARS OLD, doctors decide that the lives a culrure of intolerance and backwardness, of Catholic policy on tolerance for differing This is not a doctrinal issue for Catho of both the twins and the mo~her would be let's go back to theBenedict's recent trip to beliefs and a direct assault on the forces of lics to discuss. This is not a debate about the endangered were she to bring the children Africa. While there, he issued what may be rationalism and human decency. use of birth control, abortion, etc. This is an to term. Doctors perform an abortion sav the single most ironic statement ever heard In late March, Benedict took a trip to objective, medical claim which is patently ing the life of the girl, and for their efforts, by human ears: "So many of them (Mri Africa, pretty much the only place in the false, and the Pope knows it. In short, it's a are excommunicated from the church. cans) are living in fear of spirits, of malign world where Catholicism is still spreading. lie. And it's a lie which will kill people. It's easy to deflect this away from the and threatening powers. In their bewilder The trip would be largely unremarkable Abstinence-only education isn't some Pope himself, since Sobrinho, the cardinal ment they even end up condemning street were Catholicism the only thing spreading thing unique to the papacy. Other organi responsible for issuing the excommunica children and the elderly as alleged sorcer in Africa. It's not though, of course, as sev zations (of many denominations) demand tion, isn't a direct representative of the Holy ers." So to make sure I understand correctly, eral diseases, most notably AlDS, are dev that humanitarian workers include absti See. the Pope, a man who excommunicated a 9- astating Africa's population. nence-only education in their approach to But this is misleading, because what year-old rape victim and recently appointed And while it's not inappropriate for combating STDs in the third world. ijut caused the excommunication wasn't a rogue a new chief exorcist, is saying Africans mis a spiritual leader to address this situation few go so far as to claim that condoms bishop acting out of accordance with estab treat children and fear spirits? - perhaps offering words of encourage actually increase rates of infection. It's the lished doctrine. It was the culture of intol To wrap things up (something the Pope ment or a message of God's love to assuage kind of thing that's so ludicrously false it erance and backwardness that Benedict has would advise me against for my own safety), their suffering - what Benedict did went would be funny, were not millions of lives fostered in the Church. Benedict has slowly taken a progressive, beyond all bounds of acceptable behavior. imperiled by the falsehood. Incidentally, the father who acrually tolerant church and turned into a medieval In a speech in which he, not a little Another wonderful example of Bene raped the girl wasn't excommunicated, only abomination of intolerance and lies. For the ironically, said that many of Africa's prob dict's barbaric, deceitful hate-mongering is the doctors who saved her life, the officials love of God, can't something be done to stop lems come from "outside Africa," Benedict the treatment of a 9-year-old girl in Brazil. who allowed the doctors to do so (abortion this man from doing any more harm? upped the antj: for irresponsible, danger The short 'version of the story goes 'some is illegal in Brazil except in instances where ous, and knowingly dishonest discourse by thing like this: a 9-year-old girl is raped by the mother's life is at risk), and of course RidJard, not unlike Benedid, lilts asserting that AIDS "cannot be overcome her stepfather and. becomes pregnant with the girl bersel£ it whm ~u tall him Big Papa. Discuss this 11rtUk lll.,.HrJe«c•.ulu! 10 SOCIAL COMMENTARY APRIL 2009 • V oLUME 5 • Issue 7 The Real Right to Work Unions in America and the Employee Free Cho.ice Act by aaron arnold · [email protected] Laws about important subjects often arouse passion ate feelings in inverse proportion to the degree to which people actually understand them. Bills in such fields as climatology or economics are especially prone to this phenomenon, because the bill's consequences, though actually understood by on ly a few people, affect every one. Sometimes ignorance <;.an be so ingrained that bad policies become hard i:o change, and people vote aga~nst their interests without even reali zing it. Sometime tllis year, Congress will vote on one such bill: the Employee Free Choice Act. Though it's ex tremely short, this change in the relationship between American labor and industry is being fiercely contested by people who don't really know what it does. Most controversial is that the bill provides an al ternate way for workers to form unions. Ctmently, to form a union, you must have ar least 30 percent of your coworkers sign a card indicating that they'd like to unionize, at which point a secret ballot election is scheduled. If a majority votes in favor, a union is cre ated. The EFCA would allow a majority of workers to sign the cards and simply forego an election. Opponents maintain that the secret ballot election Not even Sally Fields' perky spirit can save these workers from a life of drudgery. Photo courtesy ofWikimedia Commons preserves workplace democracy and prevents pro-union badly-needed power to employees and will lead to a re- agement, rising costs of health care (for which the intimidation. In practice, the electipn is hardly an ideal · verse in the long, slow decline of the American middle completely unionized auto makers in countries with democracy, and employers are just as guilty of intimi class caused by the gradual erosion of union member- universal health care don't have to pay), and just plain dating workers. ship. Job security is much poorer in the United States better cars from foreign competitors. The delay between signing the cards and the elec than it is elsewhere. Although Americans work more Ironkally, when the financial sector required a much tions allows employers to subject employees to mislead-· hours than others, they see much less of a return on more expensive bailout, conservative talking heads were ing propaganda and threaten workers into compliance. their labor because the lack of unions is a powerful ob- outraged anyone might even think of eliminating the Worse, according to National Labor Relations Board, stacle to equal negotiation. millions of dollars in bonuses those executives received. employees attempting to form unions are illegally fired Why should you care about all this? Only half of Those same talking heads demanded concessions from in 25 percent of all cases. The fines for this are so low college students are employed at all, and most of those auto unions in the form of pay cuts, benefit cuts, and the that businesses just break the law and pay them. The are part-time. The full-time ones typically aren't in loss of pensions. EFCA would increase those 'penalties and thereby unionized industries, and the very few who _do work in Unions offer a democratic, free-market way for in help safeguard workers who do hold elections. Lastly, traditionally union-friendly fields often don't think be- dividuals to stand up for themselves against the over it would create arbitration boards to smooth over such ing in a union is a good idea. People have been told for whelming power of corporate money. Students need conflicts, making them much less bitter and costly. years that unions lower productivity, decrease competi- to think for themselves and reali2e, as Upton Sinclair Letting workers form unions more quickly restores tiveness, and generally get fat and Lazy. pointed out after corporate interests helped defeat his In the recent auto.b.ailout, we heard that those evil heavily labor-focused run for governor of California, unions had destroyed domestic industry. We were also that "it is difficult to get a man to understand some told the future lay in "right to work" laws, which were thing when his salary depends upon his not under ll ...employees atte~pting to designed to undercut unions by letting unattached standing it." • form unions are illegally fired workers reap the benefits of union negotiations without ' having to contribute. Aaron Arnold um his f(l(tory ofun-unioniud labor to wrile his articles. Th a1 b h · d th B · 1hr ' 11 . . He abo has a large bushy mustache and tits women to railroad tracks in 25 percent of all cases. e re story e tn e tg ee s co apse m- ruery Thursday. . : . .vplv.!!§ .rtliJSl! _ll}qrS! _t.h_a!l their .u!ljqn.s ~ :-: .P.09! 1!11!!3-____ • _ __ _ Inuw£.thiurtick..41 ""'utda/W.uly!. _ ' ' A MooesT PROPOSAL SOC I A L. , C OMMENTA R Y II Dis coursr:f e .is Dea e~tricate ourselves from Iraq? Ways to keep philanderers, bigots, scam artists, and bribe takers ~>Ut of Congress? 1he Daily Show is what it claims to be: a cq by taylor brigance medic "news" program and nothing else. [email protected] When the time comes to have a serious talk with someone who isn't parroting Mankind has always enjoyed carnage, your views, don't try to become a Jon particularly when pitted against itsel£ Stewart or a Stephen Colbert. From human sacrifice to gladiatorial The beau.tiful thing about competent combat, public execution to public sport, discourse is that it encourages a mod we can't get enough of watching people eration of position, a coming together do barbarous things to each other. How of viewpoints that results in progressive ever, now that we're "civilized" we've dis action. The opposite occurs when people covered that it's far more fun to destroy stubbornly stick to positions without people~s beliefs rather than their skulls. recognizing the validity of other perspec Death is but once; shame lasts forever. tives. Even ifcomplete agreement doesn't Arguments, screaming matches, and occur, it's still possible to hold a perfectly cunning character evisceration are now rational debate that ends graciously and the name of the game. This is all well and civilly. The point js for us to learn from good .when taken in contexts that aren't You are not Jon Stewart, and when you act like him, he becomes a saaaad panda. each other so that participants may still particularly important: video games, Ph~to courtesy ofWikimedia -Commons · get a better grasp of the rationale behind sports, music, the best Star Trek captain a different view even if participants aren't (PICARD ALL THE WAY). Problems and free state admissions to preserve with their two facetious cents? Exactly convinced enough to change stances. arise when it spills into a more critical the balance of the Union. There have how short a time passes before yelling or So I'm begging you - don't start and dangerous new arena: politics. been both good and bad compromises; profanity starts making its way into the flame wats, don't label the other party We have bastardized our civic struc there have been, of course, stances that "debate?" as this or that. Neither Republicans nor ture. Democracy is a process that finds would · eventually prove more justified, We've become so caught .up in win Democrats have a copyright on stupidity. its greatest strength in rational discourse, but striking an accord to insure progress ning and losing that we miss the point of Alw~ys take-into account that you might building consensus, and getting an entire is worth more than conflict that results· discussion to begin with. When we enter be dead wrong. Try to understand another people regardless of their income, race, or in stalemate. a political debate, we should be trying to perspective, and if you reach a point from religion to work for the good of all. Now That no longer happens. Every de bring our own expertise, ideas, and opin which you can no longer find common we take the very freedom so integral to rogatory joke, belittling comment, can ions to bear - not beating others over ground, don't 'take it personally. You can our way of life and turn it into a weapon tankerous cable TV host, predetermined the head with how stupid they are and stand and yell all day with your room to use against each other. It hasn't always policy position, internet fl.amewar, snarky how smart we are. We're all convinced mate about whether to get chocolate or been this way. look and contemptuous glare is one more we're Jon Stewart. strawberry ice cream and wind up with Historically, Americans have taken nail in the coffin of rational discussion. Now don't get me wrong - he's a nothing but an empty freezer ... or you divisive issues and compromised - ac When was the last time you saw a po funny host and with enough journalistic can both S!!ttle for some Neapolitan.• tually worked for a solution: a bicameral litical debate that didn't devolve into a integrity to fprce hard questions on his legislature to appease large and small shouting match? When was the last time guests- but have you ever seen an epi states, a federal system to balance na you came across a thread on Facebook ~ode of Ihe Daily Show and come away TayM Brigance actually killed Discourse in an alley yttm tional and state governments, and the that didn't turn into a smarmy back with some grand new concept about how ~gq. He has been blaming it on human nature ever since. Disam this llrh€k atam_t> .utdnllas.edu! pre-Civil War policy of balancing slave and-forth filled with trolls chiming in to fix the.economy? Practical methods to 12 A PRIL 2009• V oLUHES case: the cover up, the agents collected According to the 2009 "State of the tive sources. O'Reilly labels any newspa shell casings and omitted details on their News Media," a Pew Research Center per with a Hberal opinion page as a front reports, or the nature of the crime - that project, cable news "outpc,.rform(ed) vir for the "secular progressives" to push their they shot a man a combined 15 times in rually every otl1er news organization" in agendas. Any broadcast or radio journal the back as he fled unarmed. 2008. Bill O'Reilly is, by all accounts, the ist who has ever gotten on O'Reilly's bad by art zachary On websites that carry the cHp of the de facto spokesman for American politi side by espousing what he considers lib [email protected] interview in question, Beck's acolytes cal discourse. He stands confidently atop eral views is likewise lampooned. proclaim these two as heroes and patri the ratings of the most urili'.red form of O'Reilly's books, or at least Culturt lnteUigent, informed political dis ots. The most insidious aspect of Beck's "news" medium in the country. Warrior, contain what amount to item course is dying, drowning in a rurbulent presentation is his abiHty to take complex What's more, he actively tries to pre ized lists - complete with insults-of sea of punditry and pathos. We Ameri issues and present them in easy-to-read, vent his audience from pursuing alrerna- O 'Reilly's high-profile enemies along cans, in seeming unanimity, ar;e standing opinion-ready pac~ges for fast-food by complaccnr and complicit, watching style media consumption. He is com the spectacle unfold. It is difficult to mended for "telling it like it is," when point a finger at any specific cause for the "what it is" happens to be the separation event but easy to mark the herald of its of real fact from manufactured issue. coming. For years now, Americans have Although he purports to be an "opin been settling for less from the media. ion maker," Beck shares the company of This means hucksters such as Glenn journalists, presents and reports on the Beck, a conservative radio personality news, and is broadcast on news networks. and Fox News host, have ever-increas This unique siruation allows Beck to play ing audiences to whom rhey may peddle the part of journalist and demagogue si their specific brand of"journalism." Beck multaneously. As such, it is unsurprising makes his living shamelessly appealing that Beck often misrepresents or underre to the emotions of his viewers and lisren ports the facts of a matter to strike an eas e.rs. He sheds tears over the memory of ily defensible position, Perhaps it is unfair 9/ 11 with such regularity, the act would to hold Beck to the standard of integrity seem hackneyed were it not insincere. To once reserved for figures of influence in Beck, these "imprompru" sob sessions are the media, but it is imperative that we re somehow patriotic. fuse to accept low standards, especially for In addition to his bizarre version of people who cloak themselves in the guise patriotism, Beck, a 15-ycar veteran of ofjournalism. . the Church ofJe sus Christ of Latter-day Complacency with such low-integrity Saints, is somehow able tO find room on journalism provides men like Bill O 'Reilly, pis sleeve for faith. Whenever the oppor a conservative Fox News commentary tunity arises, he combines the awesome host, have a platform from which to hurl powers of church and state to force his ad hominem madness. O'Reilly is a wolf agenda, as he does in principle number' in journalist's clothing. H e is well educat two of his 912 Project: "I believe in God, ed and carries the credentials of a trust and He is the Center of my Life." Beck worthy reporter. His career spans decades creates siruations in which it is impos and includes gigs with major networks. sible to agree with the opposition with He is also a bully. His brand of debate our implicitly disagreeing with the val mirrors more closely that of interrogation ues that he purports to champion. Side rhan rational discourse. H e contradicts with his premise, and you are a citizen of his own arguments with bravado and is the "Real America" (the abridged title to consistently unprofessional and offensive, Beck's second book). C hallenge, and you though none of these sterling qualities are a traitor. appropriately convey the true danger of Beck aecides what information "Real O'Reilly: his following. America" needs and discards the rest. O'Reilly believes that he stands alone Take as an example, Bush's pardoning of against a world gone mad - a world ex-border patrol agents Ignacio Ramos overrun by "secular progressives," the label and Jose Campean. The pair was convict he attaches to pretty much anyone who ed of assault with a deadly weapon af disagrees with the "No-Spin" platform. ter shooting a fleeing drug runner. Beck What a great world it would be were he portrays the two as martyrs, two guys just acrually to stand alone with his invective. "doing their job." At no time does Beck Unfortunately, Bill O'Reilly is the most acknowledge the less heroic details of the watched cable anchor on television. , As Athertians learned so painfully, sacrificing open discourse for knee-jerk populism dooms a • 7 • A M oDEST P ROPOSAL SociAL CoMMENTARY e Dedine with in-depth discussion of how they ing figure, drawing scorn from both sides Fahrenheit 9111, Moore's magnum cans who turned to television to learn have wronged him in public or private of the political fence. His documentaries, opus, falls into the same pattern of cheap about the goings on in the world- h~d life. O'Reilly holds grudges and slings which are documentaries in the same tricks and emotional manipulation as a reliable, professional, impartial voice mud with one breath, then decries the sense that 1he O'Reilly Factor is serious ·Beck's and O'Reilly's, except from the to which they could listen. Somewhere practice of both grudge holding and mud journalism, are at worst sensationalism other side. Moore invokes 9/11. in true along the way, America lost sight of the slinging with the next. His intellectual and at best a shallow form of contrarian Beck-~lln style: by forcing the audience importance of rational and emotion qishonesty knows no bounds. politicking. into the intractable dilemma of accept free reporting and ended up with bitter, So as not to confer the all the blame The trouble with Moore, which ap ing his thesis or ignoring the tragedy of angry partisans at the helm of the infor on the right wing, it's worth bringing lib plies likewise to Beck and O'Reilly, is the event. Moore's harassment oflegisla mation-acquisition machine. eral filmmaker Michael Moore into this he demeans the arguments of his side by tors on the streets ofWashington, D.C., ~ith regards to the Iraq war, per terrible menagerie. Moore cuts a polariz- being among its ioudest voices. is entirely reminiscent of O'Reilly's street haps the most important policy deci ambushes. E.ffectively, the most glaring sion of this decade, a 2003 study con-· differences between Moore and the rest ducted by cl1e University of Maryland's would appear to be only the facts of their Program on International Policy found respective political ideologies. that "both before and after ... a major Thus the obvious question is posed: ity of Americans have had significant What docs all of this matter? misperceptions," about the facts of the "News" media is in a state of flux as matter. Fox News led the pack with it actively redefines its place in the in 80 percent of viewers who had "one or formation dynamic for the Internet age. more misperceptions," specifically about Communication and transmission of the purported links between Iraq and information is now a more open and ef Al-~eda, the status of weapons of ficient process than it has been at any mass destruction in Iraq, and interna other time in history, by several orders tional support for the military action. of magnitude. Such being the case, Beck, So the most accessed news source of the O'Reilly, Moore, and others like them most tJtilized medium for information hold positions of co.nsiderable influence. acquisition faHed to provide America They step onto the stage to define the with cl1e proper tools for formulating paradigm for the present, as well as for a "t>pinions about a very serious policy new generation of media figures - they decision. Even now, hindsight 20/20, help determine the import of commen America still looks to FOX for news tators of their ilk for posterity. in greater numbers than it does to any All of this matters because America other source. is, whether we acknowledge this or not, Until we desire change, America de actively agreeing to accept a lower stan serves no better, because we allow the dard from the media than we deserve. degradation of discourse to continue. It O'Reilly verbally abuses someone in the is easy to pass the blame up, and argue perverted spirit of modern debate, and that it is not the fault of all Americans; his viewers effectively agree that such whatever consolation this affords you is conduct is acceptable. Beck sketches out hollow. It's not enough just to claim vic rageous parallels between the practice of timhood, nor can America stand cynical science and eugenics- in a convoluted ly by in quiet opposition: this is to agree diatribe against global warming in which ·tacitly to the terms that have been set. also compares Al Gore to Adolf Hitler. Challenge yourself to become bet His audience's acceptance of this brand ter informed, and the stark reality will of overt anti-intellectualism as any present itself. In the words of Karl Mar.x, · thing but insulting expands means and "Shame is a revolutionary sentiment" their tolerance for dangerous ignorance. change can only happen when it we de Moore packages sensationali'st exposi cide that the way things are will no lon tion as documentary film. His audience ger suffice, when we demand more. Until agrees to help further blur the line be then, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Mi tween meaningful opposition and politi chael Moore will continue to wave their cal pablum. flags at the head of the moribund parade A generation ago, Walter Cronkite of political discourse in America. • was the voice of the news media on tele vision. For much of his career, newspa Art Zachary has tlx hwls ofbotb ud Williams and pers probably dominated news media, Wtilttr Cronkite in storagr, and will nrotr Itt baseball e and death. America must not repeat this mistake. Photoillustration by mac hird and richard badgett but the increasing number of Ameri- or journalism inttgrity truly die. DistJUS this artitk lllllm.P.utdq&r.edu! ------· ~5~t~O~B~A~L~~P~o~L~II~IC~S ______The Honeymooners So little time, so much to do. some Democrats in Congress to• help support her new husband's plans-and i i Searches for "Obama dog'' outnumbered boy have those plans been flying from ' .. President Barak Obama's office. "xxx" for a short period of time, but America's by alice post The .first thing any honeymoon needs is a bit of, ahem, stimulus. How rapt attention is waning. '' post.ali ce@y~h oo.com ever, foreplay in the manner of pleas ing the financial market with a bank massaging one area with money didn't cheers, even though Obama slipped Ahh, the honeymoon period of the bailout did not reliably arouse warmth work, then try somewhere else, eh? up on the Late Night Show with a joke presidency. What an apt name for the from America's credit. The so-called Though intended to "jumpstart," this about the Special Olympics. Searches first 100 days of office. The president baiiout bill bounced around the houses bill was more of a mini-budget with a for "Obama dog" outnumbered "xxx" has all kinds of policy passed while for a bit and was not met with growth sense of urgency b~hind it. for a short period of time, but America's America looks on starry-eyed. This from Wall Street. America was getting Apparently unable to buy love, rapt attention is waning. Time and the · honeymoon is not yet finished between all the attention, literally rolling in free Oba!pa spent some political capital on starriness o'f America's eyes, however, is the president and his ball-and-chain money and still not taking off. more-ideological issues. In February, running out. of a country, but as we move through Like any creative husband on a bon he announced the discontinuation of Money always causes problems for its last month, let's take a moment to eymoon, Obama tried different ap the detention facility at Guanarnamo couples during the first year of mar reminiscc about how much the happy proaches to please his new bride. In Bay, Cuba and relabeled the "enemy riage. This one is no different. Since lovers have learned about each other: terms of pleasing her markets and indi- combatants" as "detainees." In March, America is incredibly disorganized The engagement on N~v. 4 was vidualhouseholds'pocketbooks,onFeb. the president made a nod to the left and has terrible credit, she left the fis spectacular, and the wedding on Jan. 17, Obama signed the American Re- hy facilitating stem cell research. In the cal responsibility to him. The budget 20 a ceremony never to be forgotten. covery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. international arena, President Obama from the president promises (among America looked so beautiful as a bride Designed to jumpstart the economy, addressed Iran with a cautioned oppor- many things) another $250 billion for with all that radiance in every one of • it invests in beneficial initiatives, costs tunity for diplomacy. Rethinking the more bank bailot.lts, S576 billion from her faces, and the groom articulated roughly $787 billion, and - in addition strategy in Mghanistan, Obama con- an alternative minimum tax, and an vows of solemn promise. to infrastructure, unemployment, and sideted reaching out to the less hard core additional $330 billion for Medicare. The honeymoon then began as a lo- state budget stabilization - allocates members of the Taliban and peeling These big- ticket items are exactly what cal one because the entirety of America funds for education, parks and wild them away from violence. All of these America asked for. Then again, Amer does not travel well. Luckily she stocked life, and the department of defense. If actions were reminders to America that ica is good at asking for goods with she chose a man drastically different out wanting to pay for them. America than her ex-husband. threw a democratic fit about the bud- Of course, the differences are due get. The Congressional Budget Office mostly to promises made in the 20- projected another $2.3 trillion dollars month courting phase of the relation- added to the Cle.ficit across teo years, ship. While wooing America, Obama and congress cut additional bank bail always had to take in political consid- outs after the continued oversight-or erations. Not everything was different lack thereof- failed to thaw the credit about the new man in the Whi.te House; f reC'Le. Obama vowed to pull out oflraq on a So the new couple is set for a very timeline while still keeping a sizeable rough year. America is finding it in stabilizing force on the ground. This creasingly difficult to keep herself em echo of Bush, however, was tempered ployed. Friends ofher ex-husband grow by additional military promises to end more and more outspoken ~d bitter. the Stop-Loss program, which extend- 'TI1e world is not greeting the new man ed deployments of military reserves. As with unconditional peace and harmony. a commander in chief, Obama deployed Obama still hasn't figured out how to 17,000 troops to Mghanistan in Febru- stimulate America. ary. The refocus was different, but the With such an exhausting honey expectation of world peace with a new moon, it's scary to think how the couple man was a bit too rosy. · will look after four years. • -. The honeymoon1 th.~mgh, contin- , , ues. In Congress, friettds ?f the groom Alice tried to tag along on Obamai honeymoo,._ 1 are abl~ to support a large amount of Sbtnanigam tniued. (tU4"1JJQWty Iax)- '. Dis~uss this arti([( at EY1$~ by sara mahmood smahmood89@&rmail.com The; average American taxpayer is having a pretty tough time. Though the stock market has shown rea sons for optiinism in recent weeks, overall, the past few months have been pretty gloomy from an economic standpoint. Most have their fingers crossed praying that the bailout plan passed early in the Obama administra tion brings the nation back to fiscal prosperity. With so many people at the edge of their seats, it's no surprise that, when the American International Group (AIG) bonu~ scandal broke out early in March, there was a large outcry of anger and frustration. ln response to the mass fury of the American people, the H ouse of Representatives took it upon themselves to formulate a bill that would tax those who received por tions of the $165 million bonuses. The H ouse bill, passed on March 19,2009, specifi cally targets the small number of people who received an AJG bonus and demands that they pay a 90 percent Congress couldn't nsk being late for their weekly Grey's Anatomy party. Illustration by lewis chang tax on what they received. Initially, the bill seemed ap propriate and necessary. However when the precedent rcntly faces issues on many fronts, including not only lty group with their knee-jerk legislation. Just because the bill creates is explored further, the repercussions managing the economy, but also reforming healthcare a majority of Americans stood opposed to the issue at of such legislation are discouraging and somewhat and education, and dealing with international issues of hand does not mean that laws need to immediately be frightenjng. pressing concern. W hat makes matters worse is that made to pacifY the nation. To begin with, the H ouse passed the bill to levy a the H ouge's efforts, and the bill itself, were virtually Consider the many times that the nation previously 90 percent tax on the recipients of the AIG bonuses unnecessary, as was recently proven when most of the united together in opposition of a national concern with such haste that it inhibited them from com recipients returned bonuses. that, later on, was proven to be immoral and wrong pletely considering all aspects of the bilL While many The media hype that came with the unveiling of - slavery, civil rights, and women's suffrage to name complain that Congress the ludicrous oonuses a few. The point is that although a majority may stand acts sluggish, it is impor eventually lead to the strong for an issue, that doesn't make it right, and it tant to realize that this i i Although a majority may stand returning of the mon defirutely does not call for hasty legislation. fOrm of stagnation acts ey, and had C~ngress Yes, Americans stood together in opposition to hav as an agent of the checks strong for an issue, that doesn't waited to see the re ing their bailout money used for untleserved bonuses, and balances imposed on make it right and it definitely does action of those who but if, in the future, they stand together against a weak the legislative branch to received the bonuses, minority group, such as they've done in the past, it's ensure that each aspect not call for hasty legislation. 11 they would not have frighterung to think that Congress can, and very well of every bill . has been wasted time drafting might, immediately pass legislation against a small closely considered. The legislation that did faction of people without considering that minority's Constitution was specifically designed so that the not need their attention. The nation's outrage was• rep rights or opinions. passage of bills would be a lengthy and thorough pro resented through the media, and th1t alone immensely Individuals who belong to cultural, religious, and cess. The rushed passing of the recent House bill ne influenced the recipients to return the money out of other minorities should hope that strong opposition glected the checks and balances of spending time and either guilt or fear of their names being leaked, which doesn't come against them because, after the qwck energy analyzing legislation. In essence, the H ouse would have lead to even more severe public outcry passing of this recent House bill, every small group at had a knee-jerk reaction to the situation, which is against them. risk of being targeted.• something that the framers of the Constitution had Though the speedy passing ofthe bill can be frowned hoped to avoid. upon for not allowing for thorough, ~-t~ought out Sarah doesn't tut1111lly «Jre about s/lpf>UY slopes. SIN j ust 'Wrdle 'this to Another matter of concern is how the House is legislation, the most important issue is the content of difnul lxr own quutionable gowrtrtMttt bailout ttWney. spending their valuable time in session. The nation cur- the bill itself. The House specifically targeted a minor- Disaus this artkk ld lllfll>.•. ri•llg,Jw! _____,__A~R---.~T__..~Sw_ -- ~~~( -~ L E I s u R (5,•• .:. 1he • ptn ycle alie's Rap," the rest of the album is really a fair number of big-name collaborator only mediocre. "We Like Sportz" is defi Norah Jones, Chris Parnell (on two track nitely the class of the remaining songs, as no less), T-Pain, Jack Black, Natalie Pon long as you can enjoy something that is so man, and Justin T imberlake all contribut terrible that it actually becomes good (you to the album in one way or another. In fac by ryan henry might even say the song is incredibad). All there are so ma~y collaborations that I b( ty4n.w.henry@gmaiLcom of these songs have a distinct pop/hip-hop gan to wonder whether Andy Sandberg w< feel yet still maintain the sardonic atti- trying to cover up the fact that he had ru Lonely Island is i pretend band tude so pre~alent in all ofThe Lonley out ohntly original things to write. that creates hilarious online vid- Island's singles. The singles, which I don't think that this album really h: eos to match its equally witty make fun of pop/dance/rap, are staying power, and I suppose it was just songs. l am always somewhat the best part of the album, but pipe dream to hope that Sandberg coul Lonely Island skeptical when made-up bands the rest fails to keep up the keep up the magic of "I'm on a Boat" f< . lncredlbod put out a CD., and, while In same mocking hilarity. an entire album. In the end, depending o (Universal Republic Records) credibad does have such staples Andy Sandberg, the· prin how much you enjoy their YouTube sens< as "Jizz in My Pants," ''I'm on a ciple artistic mind behind The tions, this CD is worth a listen-just dor Boat,""Dick in a Box," and "Nat- Lonely 1sland has managed to get set your expectations too high.• Listening to The Decemberists will The Hazards of Love, Colin Meloy takes typical, mellow, indie rock, 7he Hazar, make you smarter. I have believed that that concept to its logical conclusion: He ofLove shqws some hard rock influene< for a long time. When you listen to them, makes a story arc that spans an entire al that weren't in any of their other album you hear something that is half rock and bum. The greatest problem with this is It shows a bit of dynamism that I aJ halfliterature.This iteration shows a lot that he suddenly becomes confined used to hearing from their lyrics but n< of growth in their overall sound within his own narrative struc so much from their sound. "The Wantin but still retains much of The ture. Despite that, I believe Comes in Waves" is the best example < Decemberists's novel charm. this album is a resounding this, as it is an amazing musical. fusion < However, it does mark an in success. While I do miss the hard rock and folk. This added sense < teresting divergence in the sounds of "The Crane Wife musical depth goes nicely with the adde overall feel of what long-time Ill" and "Here I Dreamt I narrative depth. This album is a nice m fans ha:ve known The Decem was an Architect," this al of softness and sweetness with a good I:J berists to be. bum is The Decemberists dis- of rock and attitude. Hopefully, The De The Decemberists. Before, they generally limited tht ir tilled to its quintessence, and it cemberists's days ofprodu cing simple pc The Hazards of Love narrative to miniature arcs, such as with truly shows their full potential. Where rock songs are behind them, and they' (Capitol Records) "The· Crane· Wife" and "The. Tain." In. I expect something along the lines of keep showing us their edgier side. • • Royksopp is back. With their slick, ifyou don't enjoy a little technopop, then a long day, and this album supplemen relaxing Scandinavian tracks, Royksopp you should probably steer clear. "Happy that nicely. Everything comes togeth• encourages relaxati<1n. I find it hard Up Here" and "Tricky Tricky" are in a coherent manner, and tlie songs flo to imagine somebody not enjoy the two best tracks. "Tricky seamlessly from one to another. ing their unique blend of cool Tricky" features Royksopp If you really want something th: sounds. truly embracing their elec you can sit down and chill to, this albu1 This album shows a clear -tronicaldance roots. is for you (and you might also want 1 divergence from their only hit All in all, this is a reaHy check out the rest of Royksopp's disco! in the United States: "Remind well-put-together mix of raphy).• Me." Instead ofhaving the lyrics electronic beats and smooth take center stage, junior empha- · styling: Royksopp's other ·al- Royksopp Ryan Henry ~·as on a boat with hisjlippy-jloPf>i ~. sizes rhythms. That said, therds a dis<> ' bums are .nice , li~~n to while sit ' 'when he 'wrote this r~iew. }lin lor tinct techno feel to i:he entire alburn,·so ting back and enjoying a cold beer after Dis~ this article lit amp.ut®Ou.etl•! _ (Wall of Sound) A M ODEST P ROPO SAL ARTS & LEISURE 17 e enu 1his month, migas, _co.ffee, and quesadillas take us south ofthe equator Wait, what do you mean, "What are we celebrating, again?" We're celebrating The Menu's 1-year anniversary ... The Menu, the article I write for A Mod est Proposal ... My article, that debuted by brady spenrath one year ago, April 2008! It's the res [email protected] taurant review I write every month for - ok, fine, whatever. We're celebrating Why, hello there! Glad you could that you just got all those online high join me. Since it's just a couple miles scores on Guitar Hero: M etallica. from campus, I knew you wouldn't Anyway, as you see, this place is ca find it too hard to come here to Cafe sual, quite humble, and unassuming. Brazil. I know "the northwest corner of I think I could even come here in my US I-75 and Campbell Rd"was a little pajamas if it were late at night or early vague, but I'm glad to see you were in the morhing. Did I mention they're able to use Half-Price Books and the open late· most nights, even 24 hours bowling alley next door as landmarks Thursday through Saturday? It's also a as I suggested. No, I'm not suggest good place to study if you're into study ing you could possibly miss the pink ing in public. Some locations even offer building, I'm just saying that there are free wi-fi. But seriously, you've never other things around. even looked at my article? What am I drinking, you ask? W ell, Anyway, the food isn't bad either. Cafe Brazil has amazing flavor both inside and out. Photo courtesy of cafebrazil.com you can help yourself to all the coffee They have a gargantuan selection, and you want from the bar fo r just $2.59. most of it, even breakfast, is available all yet? 1 see the new AMP on your table people could make it a meal, this huge Yeah, any of those seven different fla day. Suffice it to say, I haven't tried ev all the time! chunk of vanilla ice cream is rolled vors, go right ahead. I personally love erything, but I can recommend the Su Well, while we wait for our food, I'll in oats just before getting fried sur the Snickerdoo flavor because it re per Qyesadilla. It has chicken, cheese, go refill my coffee cup again. Speaking rounded by a fried crepe shell and minds me of snickerdoodle cookies at mushrooms, spinach, chives and cilan of another cup, I also love the South covered with caramel, chocolate sauc C hristmas with subtle cinnamon and tro and is accompanied by their house ern Pecan C reme flavor. It has the aro es, and whipped cream. It's unique, it's ginger flavors. specialty, the rosemary potatoes. ma of sweet pecans, but not too much creative, it's massive, it's delicious, and You want decaf? Well, they have a The nachos are good too. Even to take away from th~ coffee. it's perfect with coffee . couple flavor choices of decaf, too, but I though they're on the appetizer menu, I love how each time I come here Well, time to pay and, I'll admit, at can't vouch for it, because I never touch have them with the meat ofyour choice, I'm not sure what flavors will be around S8 a meal this isn't the cheap the stuff. True, it can be hard to keep up and they'll make a pretty good meal. served, since they change them from est food, but if you're not strapped for with all that coffee. No worries, though If you're not in the mood for Lat time to time. I don't think I'll get tired cash at the moment. it's not bad, es - if the coffee tastes a little past its in-inspired food, the Spicy Rainforest of their coffee any time soon, but even pecially for the unique recipes here. prime or if a flavor's empty, just let the Pasta isn't bad. It has chicken, cheese, if I do, they also have full barista ser Of course, sometimes it's worth it just waiter or waitress know, and they'll fix mushrooms, bell peppers, and onions, vice, making lattes, cappuccinos, and to come for coffee, a snack, and some it in no time. and it's really not as spicy as they make custom smoothies. studying. it sound. So give it a try. Oh, and did you check out the web Now look, you've been avoiding this If you feel like having some break site before we got here, or the chalk issue the whole time, and it's time to ( ( They (Cafe Brazi l) fast to accompany your coffee, the board above the kitchen counter? They talk about it. H ow is it that, after a have a gargantua.n Build-Your-Own-Pancakes . are always not only offer different desserts and year of my writing for AMP, the very a fun choice. You get to droose ingre Jatte flavors each month but also run publication I see you reading every selection, and most dients from a list that includes M&Ms, different deals and specials constantly, month, you still haven't noticed my ar chocolate chips, bananas, blueberries, such as letting kids eat free or offering ticle? I mean, I expected that you, of of it, even breakfast, is walnuts, and more. discounts to teachers. all people, would have read it by now. .avai Iable all day. 11 The migas- a stirred-up combina I'm glad you enjoyed your food, I'm seriously disappointed, M om. • tion of eggs, tortilla strips, cheese, and but don't forget about dessert. Yeah, chorizo- are a little bland, but decem that chocolate cake isn't bad, and the All that talk of coffee, and I just fin overall. cheesecake looks really good, yeah, ished my cup. Just a sec, let me get some The only thing I've had that I yeah, blah, blab. Brady wa.r jwt kidding this whole time: more. wouldn't rec"mm~nd is the Chicken The Fried Ice Cream is truly a sight , Youre not his mom. ' Ah, another fa.vorite flavor - M oka Zapata. It's ,fL,.vi:>rless and a little dry. to behold. --:- and not just because it Discuss this artie/( Ill ll.ll1ftJ.dil11.!1!JuJ!H.! J ava. lt. ha §-j u~t; a hint.of Q:ark chocolate. But, why. hav.el"\"t you read my article ;6ounds impossible. ·So large that .two ' '·. • \ J 18 ARTS & LEISURE A PRIL 2009 • VoLUME 5 • Issue 7 Five films which show Depp's acting depth acceptance. Fans of the dark and goth 5. Once Upon a Time i11 Mexico ic movies of Tim Burton will love Ed Wood. "Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi CAN'T?" 1. Fear anfl Loathi11g in Las Vegas by john harding [email protected] Robert Rodriguez is a fiJmmaker who "There he goes. One of God's own generally flies under the radar of public prototypes. A high-powered mutant of I've wanted to write an article about perceptibn. Even people who have seen some kind never even considered for mass Johnny Depp for quite a while now, and, a lot of his movies and enjoyed them production. Too weird to live, and too rare since 2009 will be another huge year for probably don't know his name. Sin City? to die." him, I thought it was about time. That's Frank Miller, right? Planet Terror This summer will bring Michael Mann's a11d From Dusk Till Dawn? Easy, Qyentin Thus did Raoul Duke describe his at Public Enemies, a biopic of sorts in which T aranrino! Spy Kids? I dunno, Disney? All torney's deparrure, a description quintes Johnny Depp will once again don the were Robert Rodriguez, and none would sential of Hunter S. Thompson, the leg- . role of the heroic outlaw in his portrayal ever have happened if it hadn't been for a end of a man whom Dcpp depicts in this of man-on-the-run John Dillinger. Plus, little, no-budget Mexican film called El adaptation of the eponymous book. just in time for the holiday season, we'll Mariachi which led to a sequel, Desperado, Blow tells the tale of the rise and fall Hunter Thompson, an absolute mas be treated to Tim Burton's adaptation of ;.md a thrilling conclusion in the form of of one of the most prolihc drug smug ter of the written word, led a life most of Alice in Wonderland, in which Depp's Mad Once Upon a Time in Mexico. It's a classic glers of all time, George Jung. Though it us couldn't even imagine, and his friend Hatter will pack the theater seats even example of how Johnny Depp can make wasn't universally adored by critics, it did Depp is one of the few people in the tighter than the shelves of Hot Topic. a movie. It would still be great without succeed by being different enough from world who could be trusted to convey it. Johnny Depp is a unique kind of A him, but each and every scene he's in is other drug yarns (Scarfoce) to not re Depp becomes Thompson in a way that List actor. Instead of succumbing to the just top notch, much like Heath Ledger's hash something already done a thousand is staggeringly uncanny - even wearing countless high-paying offers from mind Joker scenes in 1he Dark Knight. times before. Continuing a theme that his clothes. Dcpp also narrated last year's less, robotic H ollywood films other actors runs through most of his performances, Gonzo, a documentary about Thompson, at his level take every day, he creates his 4. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse Depp plays the criminal with a heart. It and will play him in a film version of an- fame by cleverly choosing outstanding ofthe Black Pearl takes a high-caliber performance to get roles in deeper, artsier fiJms and makes you to cheer against the police, but it's them Box Office successes because of the "Savvy?" . no problem for Depp. Ray Liotta and talent he lends them. Penelope Cruz provide an excellent sup I Ie did appear in some big-budget Nearly everyone in America has seen porting cast and make Blow a movie not Jerry Bruckheimer movies; however, even this movie, so I'll spare you all the details to be missed. those films revolved around his perfor about it. There were a lot of movies fight mances, which overshadow the millions ing for this position (1he Ninth Gate and 2.EdWood of dollars spent on special effects and sets. Edward Scissorhands, I'm looking at you Now, let's see five examples ofhowJohnny guys!), but 1 just couldn't ignore the clas "I'm all man. I even fought in WW2 earns his n~'trh .er~<•· sic, incredible character of Captain Jack Of course, I was wearing women's under Sparrow. garments under my uniform." This movie became the summer block buster of 2003 and proved that if you Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are a have $140 million to spend on explosions, match made in heaven - maybe not battleships, and the undead, you really can heaven, but .some nice place where it's make one hell of a fun movie, even if it night all of the time, everything's in is based on a theme-park ride. Of course, black and white, and everyone moves in this movie should have just been called stop motion. Ed Wood, easily their best Pirate of the Caribbean because the others collaboration, is aho Burton's best movie Poster courtesy of Universal Pictures were nothing next to Depp. (detai ls in a h1ture article). 'This biopic weaves the story of cult fiJmmaker Ed other of his books, 1he Rum Diary. Read 3.Blow ward D. \Vood Jr., a movie-maker in the the book, read all rlf the books, and see 50s and 60s whose work is the target of this movie. • "Danbury wasn't a prison, it was a ' every film student's drinking games be crime schooL went in with a Bachelor cause of unintentionally funny technical 1 john Harding based his lift on johnny Depp basing of marijuana, came out w.ith a Doctorate errors, outlandish plots, grade-school hu Cr.ptain SfNlrrow on Keith Richart4. Poster courtesy of Columbia Pictures of cocaine." level special effects, and his searCh for Discuss this artirle at amp.utdD/Ias.edu! SHAM ELESS ~ ERI V OLIT Y To Earth;Moon ,Or Comet Wlinllltll LmitJ ,---~--~==~~· ~9k Mrm~7---~------~ Caption ·, , ~.'~ Conte.st! llustration by jordon batura AMP hails the long-awaited return of the caption contest . Submit your captions as commen~s at amp. utdallas. edu or email your be~t captions to amodestproposal@gmail. com. Winners will be selected at the end of the month and will win a AMP T-shirt andfree dinner! "Whaddaya mean 'points off?! See websitefor official details .. · I STOPPED didn't I?!" by scott ungchusri 20 E~ u z z L E s ~ ~-::---~ .lo.oQ.&__...3oG___,__A.l..-..IM---'--l...E__._St______Across: Down: .·liiJjjJ 1. Opposite of Bas. 1. Victory makes them for mice 5. Boast 2. Lasso 9. Howard, White, or 3. Wyatt Weasley 4. Noise sonar makes 12. Dahl 5. Common frat salutation: April Fools 14. Protagonist of 2002's "What's up __?" Chicago 6. To the __ of things ... 15. Shade 7. Wheel connector 16. The Meaning of Life : 8. Doohickeys Chicken nuggets ::The color 9. Greek letters commonly red: ____ used to represent densities 18. Greatest 10. Evict 19. Potts oflron.Man 11. Cast your __ 20. Late Shakespearian 13. Those that use The Pirate work, Katrina Bay abbr. 22. Rubbish . 17. Poet who,".·. . took the 24. Precedes Ahh. during a one less. traveled by" fireworks display 18. Noncommittal internet slang 25. Latin existence 21. Christopher Robin's bear 26. A disc image file type and Mr. Hankey 27. Heart rate abbr. 23. Used to drink tea.of 30. Don't on me course 33. Small mountain lake 25. Change 35. Mr. Ed or Seabiscuit 26. Unique quality of King 37. Stiff Tut's tomb wheri found 3 9. Rambunct!ous, hat 27. Donkey noise wearing creature 28. Like 9 down but used 40. Not a fan of salty snacks fo r wave functions 41. Diminish 29. Picks abbr. 42. Northern Asian Risk 30. Well crap ... This is in territory here twice ... same as 1 44. A tax down 45. \IV here peas hang out 31. Precedes flavin or some 46.Matterhorn,Mont 32. Incredulous outburst Blanc, or Dom 34. Compressed file type 48. Nicolas with bad hair 36. __ upon a time Have anycross words or miffed sentences for us? Send them to [email protected] 50. Released Don't Bring 38. "36 down" the cards have While you're at it, visit http://amp. utdallas.edu and post on the forums. Me Down, Roll Over been Beethoven, Strange Magic 43. Signer of new artists 51. This clue has not been 47. Site written yet 49. Faux pas 52. Gets you to sleep better 50. Canadian inquisition? 4 7 3 than Advil PM 52. Undercover narcotics 57. Obliterate officer? by alex palmer 6 5 7 4 62. Angry pirate sound 53. Colored eye part [email protected] 63. The specific name for 5-4. If you were a detective in 2 8 9 a group of 8 billion geese a city called Gold Gully you lifting a 7 47 into the air woUld be this abbr. 8 3 before 2:00 PM EST 55. King Kong, Coco, ·65. Tombstone regular abbr. Curious George Sud 66. Cauldron 56. Type of course offered by 4 6 2 7 67. Fencing swords Kaplan 9 68. Popular CBS crime 58. Dandys, Coxcombs, oku · 1 drama Metrosexuals 69. Telekinesis, talking to 59. I's four buddies 4 1 2 the dead, psychic visions f 60. Nickname for Clementine 70. Skimpily clad sport 61. EJQ<:on-Mobile . -·· , . 2 .; ~ ~·- . -9 . 6 ·8· pfe~~usiy ,.. I '64': Passports, Dritrer's ...... ; s.. : Li.~~st etc.' . -· - . 3 I· 7 · A MoDEST PRoPOSAL PuzzLES & GAMES 21 . 8 6 ; Sudo 4 5 8 2 9 5 4 2 6 9 3 5 9 8 3 6 7 4 2 4 2 4 8 4~ l _ 3 5 9 2 7 3 8 7 6 5 8 2· 3 - 7 8- 6 1 9 7- 8 9 . ~ 8 9 9 3 2 4 3 7 5 4 1 5 4 2 1 9 2 6 9 8 2 9 7 2 9 6' 3,1,1.1 2 1 8 1,1.1,1,1 2,1,1,1,1 5 4 7 1,1,1,1,1 1,1,1,1,1,1 9 3 6 1,1,2,1 1,2,1,1,2 7 3 1,1,1,1,1 1,1,1,1,2 AMP is tlOt respoTtSihk for GPA loss due to obsessive puzzle solving; AMP taku . 1,1,1 t:reditfor increased GPA due to obsessive puzzk solvit~g. 1,1,1 Discuss these puzzles at gmp.utd!Jilas.edul 1,f,1 1,1,1 1,1 1,1 1 0 5 1 1 1 1 2 6 1 6 2 1 5 1 1 5 5 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 5 1 2 1 1 1 2 2 1 ~ Have a puzzle you want to see? Want to write your own crossword? Give us feedback on your favorite puzzles! Sudokus are gt:ea~ but we want more! Send emails to: [email protected] THE MOST TRUSTED NEWS ON THE PLANET ~ URANUS EXCLUSIVE I- I LOL Z URANUS April 2009 URANUS: I WANT MY BABY BACK. • • Pope Grants Indulgences to Wrong Afterlife XJBALBA (AMP)-Pope Benedict XVI, in what Vatican spokesmen are callixig "a bit of a surprise" granted manumissions to wrong afterlife. This grant of ~~ulg·~.~~ effectively commutes the ~ouls to Xibalba1 the Mayan ne1:h9Jrwcdd.'•. • believed to be a system of Caves or Guatemala. "We were pretty surprised these Catholics shoWed up at of scorpions," said One Death, Xibalba. "Things have been nri:~ffvkdl~~~l';:;;• pardon the pun, arQund here thousand year$." Plans haVE~ · expand each 9f tHe< c.stx:'•':dte.ald1vdtciti54:!sfjtd '!~'ll accommodate the n13w:'resic;ients. • Of the surprising ~lation that hi$ was now housed in the netherworld oi a dead civilization, Father Gianfresco Batista was brief in his analysis: "Throw me a bone, God. I died a virgin and this is what I gef?." Ebert Injured During Attempt to Screen New , DragQl)b~ :. Unless that tasty baby morsel has rocket booties and gills, it doesn't stand a chance. •i • . . , . . ~- ..,~ by Kerri Russell "In fact I once beat a dolphin. Later CHICAGO (.M1P). Chief Man-Dolphin Correspondent we became friends and went to a Raven's latest release ·of Pa;ramol.tt\t game. There were actually pictures of him offering, Dragonball: Evolution, BALTIMORE (AMP) - After winning 14 hitting the same bong, but you don't see suffered severe faciallacetations medals, Olympian Michael Phelps was on Seaworld switching over to manatees all of hospitalization. top of the world. Endorsements, speaking a sudden." His injuries were sustained during a deals, and Phelps' accumulation of gold As with his marijuana scandal, there particularly action-packed sequence in llie :: didn't end when he climbed out of the pool. were no actual witnesses willing to step film duri.t\g which Ebert's scouter registered So the blow dealt fa Phelps a few months forward, merely second-hand pictures, but :readings so high that it literally · ago, after an embarrassing debacle involving the ear-to-ear grin across Phelps' face as Asked to cor_nment op ~ the spread of some compromising Facebook he chomps down on what appears clearly concerning th,e film; Ebert ma~e ·va,mu"'•::·• photos, was not a small one. He lost several J • .-. ~ • I to be a small child's leg is fairly danming. references to an unpending re.vtew of his endorsements and was forced into a "Yea, you jerks can say whatever you gnmting angrily lor three full epiSodes. series of shameful public apologies. want about me. But I'm not t.he only sports Apparently, all this public humiliation still figure doing this. Lee Corso had a baby arm didn't teach the prodigious athlete a lesson. just the other day." Pacman Hired to Bust • Just weeks after being caught smold.ng Michael P:Q.elps attributes his insatiable Fruit Thie f Ghosts marijuana, Phelps was spotted at a Baltimore need for baby flesh to his caloric intake nightclub feastin~ on human flesh. requirements. "It's well known that baby "It's all the rage, you know? Like all the STANFORD (AMP) - Upon c:U~Qv.'mt;ilCh•,;.l flesh is the most concentrated source of cool kids are doing it right now," explaineq calories in the world. Eating them is just that his chenies }lad local nightclub owner Phil Akoustinaikos. "I disappea:red plain convenient ... especially the chubby mean, we try to discourage that stuff at The ones." Tropic (Akoustinaikos' club), but you know When asked what sort of effect he thought how it is." his hunger for the most dangerous game of When confronted with photos of him all would have on his status as a role model, ''l don't ' gorging himself on the unholy smorgasbord proof is in the })Uic:lding, Phelps was again defiant. "I'm the best there of people-meat, Phelps was wl)olly ever was, and the best that will ever be! I'm Blad~tt. "He is a miracle Vliotke!l'. unrepentant. all not trying to be no role model?" Phelps Not of Pacrnan•s former "Man, I apologized like no other after that him in such acclaim, many accuse then tossed his microphone away, danced bong thing. And that was just some freakin' like a robot, and strutted off stage.• only temporarily :removing the tn:s:ld.lc>ns:. pot! I still lost all my endorsements, so now fruit thieves. Hoping to prevent I figure just screw it. I'm Michael F***mg negative p:ress in the future, l"ar-:nu:m Phelps. Do you have any idea how fast I can brief: "waxtca waldca wakka, waldca wa~t!.' swim? I'm a goddamn dolphin. You expected these people to be haunting your dreams. Find out what they are really up to. ey D':Srickashaw Cunningham shitty emo bands, but he hasn't been seen Chief Paparazzo in public since the day he learned to fellate himself. _ SAN FRANCISCO (AMP) - Now that we're Charles Manson- still in jail. almost a decade into 21st century, it's time Tori Spelling - Tori, daughter of famous to take a look back at some of the names millionaire and robber-baron Aaron Spelling, and faces that were so prominent when this achieved global fame with her role on the millennium began. iconic Beverly Hills: 90210. Elian Gonzales - Everyone's favorite When her acting career began to slow down, refugee, this spry youngster was everywhere Tori returned to her first passion; clubbing back in 2000. After arriving from Cuba on a baby seals. Today she runs a highly successful life~aft, Elian ignited a media firestorm when fur trading company in Saskatchewan. he sought asylum in the US. Tori has managed to stay in remarkably Atty Gen Janet Reno denied his request, of good shape since she quit acting,and attributes course, and Elian was happily reunited with her trim physique to her profession: "Usually his C.uban parents. you can get 'ern while they're sleeping, but Today, Elian digs ditches and then refills sometimes those little guys can really haul them at a re-education camp outside the ass." township of Julio, whiling away the time Jaleel White - Most famous for his role of dreaming of his brief taste of freedom. Urkel on Family Matters, Jaleel also played. the Marylin Manson :_ A lightning rod for ll'oice of Sonic the Hedgehog on a show of the controversy, this scary singer outraged same name. parents with his sexual ambiguity and explicit Today, Jaleel spends most of his time lyrics. They, of course differentiated between teaching orphans to read, rescuing dolphins, Manson's gender-bending and their own pop and generally being a swell guy. idols Boy George, David Bowie, and Prince, all Anfernee Hardaway - One-time All Star of whom were way more wholesome. and member of the Orlando Magic, Anfernee Today Manson is still writing irresponsible retired and now spends his days lying face hate anthems and giving fashion advice to down in a gutter reeking of gin. •