Malcolm Mclaren Things I Have Learnt from the Stars
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2 LIFE & ARTS ★ FINANCIAL TIMES AUGUST 1/AUGUST 2 2009 Life fter the double christening of two “We would buy a Routemaster and kit it upbringing gives you the confidence to announce to the world that you write.” delightful tots I was sitting in a out with bunks, I expect.” make that claim about yourself. People I made a lurid list of everything that’s field in the rain, shivering, talking “What do you do?” he continued. I like you have no idea.” Facing this ever gone wrong for me, changed the font A woman of Ato their grandmother, who was didn’t mind that he posed this question strange fellow, legions of possible retorts into bold caps, parcelled it up into a bundled up in a dark blanket and a but it isn’t one I ever ask. Why not? clouded my mind. I built a little pyramid bulging file and dragged it over into the child’s spare black hoody. “Bit too grim Because it’s nosey. I don’t hold with such where honest courtesy sat at the bottom trash part of my mental filing system. reaper, am I?” she asked with a laugh. a direct line of enquiry. You may as well and vicious outrage teetered wildly at the “Oh right, I see,” I said. “Well, I’d be very confidence She was an impressive woman, very go all-out, Oxbridge interview-style, and summit. Possible responses included: interested to hear more about about your funny and very happy-seeming, without a demand: “Say something brilliant about “I only say I am a writer because it’s photography work. Are there any current bad word to say about anyone. Wordsworth!” Besides, so many people true”; “I know I once claimed that all projects you could tell me about?” “When can I come and see your new don’t feel that their job or lack of job other people are to a certain extent our “Are you being sarcastic?” band, the one you say I’ll hate?” she truly represents them. Quite a few are own creations but your version of me is “Not at all.” teased her older grandson cheerily. He between things these days, uncertain and so unfamiliar that you had better answer “Wow, I’ve really pressed your buttons, coloured and scuttled away. We drank gin anxious, and do not wish to be defined by any further questions you have for me haven’t I? You’re on the back foot. I can to keep warm, and she chatted for nearly their current lack of definition. Even if yourself”; “Can you give me more details see this conversation is uncomfortable for an hour to my dog-mad toddler about you have a very clear answer, such as “I about my wondrous carefree childhood, you. Do we have some little issues by any canine care. am a Catholic priest, as it goes” or “I am s’il vous plaît?”; “Please know that I take chance?” His grin was wide. “And has he got a lead and a belt and a the home secretary,” your certainty can full responsibility for everything that has “Not at all,” I answered. “Oh, I’m silver clip and a bowl for food and a bowl seem tactless or boastful in the face of ever gone wrong in your life.” dreadfully sorry but I see my toddler has for his drink and a basket?” the little one others’ more hazy employ. disappeared into yonder forest please asked her, more than seven times. “I am a writer,” I said. He laughed, and said none of these things, of course. It forgive me if I pursue her, won’t you? . ” “Oh yes, he most certainly has,” the looked me up and down, doubtfully, in was all rather odd. I tried to imagine Ten minutes later there was a little tug woman explained again and again and the fashion of a teenage bus queue. He how little means such a contretemps to at the half belt of my polka dot mac. “I’d again. shook his head derisively. “Can I ask you IGod. like to continue our conversation from This happy scene was broken by one of a personal question?” “You see” – the fellow was still earlier,” the fellow said. “I was enjoying the new godparents, who came and sat I took a deep breath. “If you must.” speaking – “I am a prize-winning it. I think you misunderstood me. What I next to me, swaggering slightly in his “Would you say you came from a photographer, my pictures have been was trying to say was that when you very elegant suit. “Do you have a middle-class background?” exhibited around the world and are have had to fight for stuff all your life, godchild?” he asked. “I do.” owned by all sorts of celebrities, but it’s hard.” He patted me on the shoulder. “I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, ‘”I knew it!” He smiled, knowingly. because I also work in a restaurant I tell “Don’t worry, I’m not blaming you.” but I have 11,” I said. “Right,” I nodded. people that I am a waiter. And that is “Thanks for that,” I replied. Susie “You’ll be up the creak if all the “I knew it when you said that you were because I had a difficult working-class parents cop it,” he replied. a writer,” he continued. “I expect your upbringing, whereas you with your easy [email protected] Boyt “Yes, that is probably true,” I agreed. secure and comfortable middle-class and privileged start in life are able to More columns at www.ft.com/boyt The Diary The List Sean Smith Malcolm McLaren Things I have learnt from the stars Two words sum up today's culture: journey into the bowels of London’s past. “authenticity” is one, and the other is, Years ago, I co-wrote a screenplay in For the past year I’ve been writing about Girls Aloud well . “karaoke”. Most artists spend Hollywood with Alan. I explain to David singer and X Factor judge Cheryl Cole. Hers will be my their lives trying to authenticate (or that Alan has become an alchemist. Sadly, eighth celebrity biography in the past eight years, a make true) today’s karaoke culture, but I can’t join them. sequence I began with JK Rowling in 2001. Since then, I’ve you have to be a magician to do that. I have dinner with another David, the favoured stars who we know by a single name – Britney, Karaoke is mouthing other people’s theatre producer David Johnson, known Robbie, Justin, Kylie, Jennifer, Victoria and now Cheryl. songs; it is life by proxy, liberated by for putting Malcolm Gladwell on the road. I don’t work like a journalist who breezes into town hindsight and unencumbered by the Crazy people who work with me thought knowing exactly where they are going and who they are messy process of creativity. it an excellent idea to tell my stories to interviewing. I travel with a blank notebook and an open Everything and everyone in a karaoke the public, and, at dinner at the Wolseley mind, not looking for scandal, just the private person world is for sale, and so successful are its restaurant in Piccadilly, David madly behind the public face. I start each biography by TV shows – Pop Idol, The X-Factor and agrees. Eyeing the crowd surrounding disregarding what I have read about the subject previously. Britain’s Got Talent – that I am racing us – Lucian Freud and his daughter Bella, down an ancient road to Portsmouth on Alan Rickman and fans, Justin 1 Britney is not poorly educated trailer trash a nothing Saturday morning to judge a Timberlake and American record All I had when I arrived in Britney’s birthplace of McComb, talent contest. I am on a mission: I have producers from my not-so-distant past – Mississippi, was the name of a downtown store which this undeniable thirst for something I realise fate is playing me a card and mentioned Britney’s school on its website. The owner, I authentic. But Portsmouth is agog with decide that is what I will do. “It’s discovered, was a former pupil who knew Britney, as well signposts and fast becomes impossible to agreed,” David says, “but what shall we as her first boyfriend, judge’s son Donald Reginald Jones navigate. And, then, no. It can’t be. Yes, it call it? Confessions of a Rock ‘n’ Roll Junior. She told me that their school, Parklane Academy, is ... the Live and Unsigned Talent Contest. Swindler?” “No,” I say, “History is for was strongly Christian and cost $3,000 a year. She also I have never been a good judge of Pissing On”. directed me to the Jones family home, a mansion so anything, not women, not friends. I am splendid there was an elevator between floors. feeling submissive sitting here at the back I work in a very shitty neighbourhood in of Portsmouth Guildhall. I’ve got “willing Paris: dogs are considered better folk in 2 JK Rowling's birthplace prey” printed across my forehead; I am these parts and, such as Parisians are, According to early media biographies, the Harry Potter an icon of 21st-century unhappiness. they allow those creatures to shit author was born in the quaint market town of Chipping Surrounded by talent scouts and DJs, anywhere they choose. I am forever Sodbury in Gloucestershire, but her birth certificate names I am told that 10,000 acts across the UK slipping and sliding in it.